Rage Quit: Equestria

by Jspang

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2490

Michael Jones films a Rage Quit in Ponyville. Do you need further clarification?

Warning: This story contains huge amounts of cursing. Please do not read if this kind of material offends you!

The hit show Rage Quit has used every shitty game in existence. The only solution is filming one in Equestria, of course. Join Michael as he rages at ponies, rages at inanimate objects, and just rages in general.

This is something I came up with while incredibly bored. This is not meant to be taken seriously in any shape, form or fashion. Also, some knowledge about Achievement Hunter in general may be needed to understand some of the jokes in this fic. I do not own any of these characters, least of all Michael himself.

Published 2013-11-27 02:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-27 02:20:04 UTC

There's only one chapter.

A skinny young man with a shock of curly, brown hair stood atop a small hill overlooking what looked like a quaint little town where everybody knew each other and people went about their daily lives with a wide grin on their faces. However, this small village was anything but. It was actually a quaint little town where everypony knew each other and small, magical horses went about their daily lives with a grin on their faces. Basically, it was the young man's own personal paradise.

Who was this young man, you ask? Well he was none other than Michael "Rage Quit" Jones. Mogar to some, Micoo to one, and to his fans a beloved icon inundated with the fiery fury of a thousand suns who makes internet videos with large amounts of yelling and cursing an not much else, least of all logic. In fact, he was just about to make one such video. How convenient.

Michael allowed himself a small smile as he raised his handheld camera to his face and casually thumbed the record button. As he filmed a wide, establishing shot of the town, he said, "So welcome to Ponyville, your average village built on the edge of one of the most dangerous places in the country and filled with residents who collectively have fewer rational thoughts than Ryan. Let's go fuck some shit up!"

"...anything from Anomalous Magical Materials to Zealously Pursuing Magical Dominance can be found in this section. I personally am working through Meticulously Mastering the Minutiae of Magic, and let me tell you..." The camera listlessly traced the purple unicorn that was indicating one side of her library, happily babbling away about her recent studies. Michael, however, wore an increasingly frustrated expression as the mare continued. "Which brings me to-"

"This is boring as shit! Don't you do anything but read?!" Michael interrupted quite rudely.

Twilight paused in her rambling, "Well sometimes Spike an I dust the shelves, reorganize all the books in the library, enjoy a nice discussion on books we both enjoyed-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

The unicorn stared as the human sprinted through the wall rather than use the door, leaving a Michael-shaped hole in her precious library. Twilight's eye twitched and a lock of hair in her mane sprung out of place as she turned away from the damage. "Why is it always Tuesdays?" she mumbled to herself before yelling, "Oh, Spike! I have another chore for you!"

An anguished groan came from upstairs.

Michael pointed his camera up at a small cloud with a tangled, rainbow-colored tail hanging over the edge. Faint snoring could be heard coming from the cloud as well. Taking a deep breath, Michael yelled, "Yo, Skittles! Wake the fuck up!"

There was a cry of alarm and everyone's favorite prismatic pegasus plummeted out of her perch, remembering her wings just in time to keep herself from becoming a brightly-colored spot on the ground. "What the hay, dude?!" Rainbow Dash shouted, "Was that really necessary?!"

Michael chuckled. "Nah, but it was funny, and let's face it, you've probably suffered much worse head injuries than what that could have been."

"Oh har har," Rainbow deadpanned. "Look, is this something important? I have a lot of work I need to avoid doing."

"Oh, nothing too pressing. I'm just making a video for a channel I work with that has over six million subscribers, but if I'm bothering you, I can just put up the camera and go." The human said this last part with a challenging smile as he began to put the camera away, taking care not to actually turn it off.

Rainbow Dash gasped. "Si... six million? No! Your subscribers won't be able to see my awesome moves! I call this first one the Buccaneer Blitz!" With that, the pegasus launched into a routine of tricks that would have made jaws drop.

Unfortunately, Michael didn't give a fuck. While Rainbow was busy pulling off intense stunts, he quietly wandered off, camera still recording.

Pink. Pink was everywhere. There were pink floral patterns on the walls, pink streamers hanging from the ceiling, a pink bedspread, pink carpet, a pink nightstand; literally everything in the room had some shade of the garish color splashed on it, including the pony who appeared in the camera's view. "Hi, Mikey-Wikey!"

Michael may or may not have screamed like a prepubescent girl, but these reports have varied. "God-fucking-dammit, Pinkie! Don't fucking do that shit!"

The excitable filly responded with a shit-eating grin and a giggle. "Sorry, Michael, but this is my room. What are you doing in here anyway?"

Michael tried to be discreet about kicking away her party cannon. "Um... nothing."

"Okay!" Pinkie chirped. "Hey! Since you're here, do you wanna help me prank somepony?"

Hell, I do that at the office already. "Sure. Why not?"

The two soon-to-be pranksters wandered back to the ground floor of Sugarcube Corner, discussing their methods and potential targets. When they reached the main dining area, the pony and human nodded to each other.

Pinkie backed into the kitchen while Michael made his way to their agreed-on target, a light blue mare with a two-tone, blue and white mane and tail. Casually strolling towards her table and lifting his camera, he said, "Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take part in a quick interview for the... uh... Equestria Daily?"

The mare nonchalantly took a sip of her coffee as she regarded the man in front of her. "And why would a newspaper interview require a camera?"

"We're uh... getting with the times. Anyway, first question: what is your name and profession?"

"Well my name is Colgate and I usually..." As the mare continued talking, she somehow didn't notice Pinkie appearing from under the table with a large bottle of Spicy Ranch's Mild Hot Sauce for Bitches and slip some into her coffee. The earth pony disappeared under the table once again after she had completed her dirty deed.

As Colgate took another sip of her "spiked" coffee, she made a face. "Did somepony put hot sauce in here?" she asked, only mildly (get it?) concerned.

Michael jumped on top of the table flailing his arms as he almost fell off. "How did you like being fucking wrecked?! Yu-yu-yu-yu-ye-Wait, that was it? No fiery mane? No mouth burning with the fires of Hell? Fuck this. I'm out!" He then stomped towards the door, kickin it open and leaving Sugarcube Corner to be loose in Ponyville once again.

Pinkie Pie joined Colgate in staring after the enraged Achievement Hunter. She gulped. "I... I don't... Look, I'll go get you another cup of coffee. Let's just forget this happened, like the noodle incident."

Colgate just nodded dumbly and sat back down at her table.

Rarity Belle hummed to herself as she put the finishing touches on her latest masterpiece. She wondered to herself if the gemstones were a bit much, but her thoughts were derailed by the sound of the Carousel Boutique's door being swung open. Quickly, the unicorn made sure she was presentable before twirling around to address her guest. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is-Oh. It's you." She spat the last word as she recognized Michael.

Making sure to focus his camera on her expression, Michael gave an incredibly extravagant bow before speaking. "Greetings, my dear Rarity," he quipped in a terrible British accent that was as over the top as his bow. "I do believe that I have need of a suit to wear for a night on the town and was hoping that you might assist me in my noble quest. Is there really any reason for this immense hostility you foist against me?"

"You know very well why I don't enjoy being around you, Michael. I believe Pinkie refers to it as the dreaded 'noodle incident.'"

"Poppycock! I was merely an innocent victim in that particular en-"

"However, I am willing to let bygones be bygones and create an ensemble for you if you agree to cooperate, abstain from cursing in my presence, and drop that ridiculous accent."

Michael scoffed. "Accent? I must say I am quite offended, milady. You should know better than to insult a fellow creature on such a paltry basis as their speech patterns." He chose to ignore the intense irony of his statement.

Rarity felt her teeth grinding together and sighed. This was an awful habit for a proper lady to develop. "Very well, did you have any particular design in mind?"

"I was considering a dark purple suit with a large hat and cane, matching, of course. Perhaps the cane could have a large diamond on the grip as well. After all, I have to look the part for my hoes."

Rarity felt her eye twitching and spoke in a low, threatening tone. "Get out of my boutique."

The human snapped his fingers, as if remembering something."Oh! How could I have possibly forgotten? I also require a golden tooth."

Rarity snapped as well, but it was most definitely not her fingers. That would be silly. "GET OUT OF HERE!" she screamed as she hurled Michael bodily out of the boutique via her telekinesis, slamming the door after him to muffle the loud curses he uttered as he hit the ground.

"Ya fucking bitch!" he yelled when he finally dusted himself off.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

"Oh shit."

"Angel, what did I tell you about threatening the other animals with medieval weaponry?" Fluttershy scolded the bunny as she removed the miniature broadsword from his grip and stowed it inside a drawer with a rapidly increasing pile of battle axes, similar swords, and even morning stars. "I would expect you to know better after the twelfth time. Where do you find all these anyway?"

The demure pegasus trotted away after she finished, satisfied that Angel had finally learned his lesson. The little hellspawn, however, simply rolled his eyes and reached under a nearby couch, quickly withdrawing a mace an running after a terrified ferret.

Fluttershy was idly humming in the kitchen, completely unaware of her little friend's plight, when she heard a calm knock at the door. It was so calm, in fact, that the pegasus didn't even faint at the sudden noise, but she may have nearly ripped off the door to one of her cabinets attempting to hide. Eventually, however, when the noise refused to cease, Fluttershy slowly crept out of her impromptu hiding place and made her way towards the door.

"Hello?" she quietly asked as she swung it open.

"Hey, Fluttershy," Michael said in a much softer and gentler voice than he had used all day. "I was just wondering if it was alright for me to hang out here for a while."

"Oh, of course," the mare said as she opened the door much wider. A chipmunk hopped our of her mane and ran outside as she did so. "Please come in. Would you like some tea?"

The Achievement Hunter stepped inside and flopped onto a nearby couch, narrowly missing two bunnies and a mouse on the way down. "That would be great. Thanks." As Fluttershy left the room, Michael placed his camera on an end table and turned to survey the room. "Now where is that little piece of shit?"

He didn't have to search very long. Angel Bunny hopped into the living room soon after Michael began looking for him, giving Michael a glare that would kill a lesser man and toting a mace that, if applied professionally, could kill a greater man as well. Mogar, however, responded with a sadistic grin that sent shivers down the rabbit's spine.

Moments later, Michael finished tying Angel up with some spare twine he had found and shoved a cotton ball into his mouth. "There you go, you son of a bitch. Now you keep quiet while Fluttershy and I are talking." With that, he shoved the rabbit under the couch he was sitting on.

As if on cue, the pegasus mare trotted back into the room, balancing a tray holding a kettle and two cups with a wing. She gently lowered the tray and began pouring the tea. Fluttershy brought her cup to her lips and blew on it softly before taking a sip, not noticing Michael staring right at her, his tea untouched.

When she finally spotted his stare, she let out a quiet squeak and attempted to hide within her mane. "I'm sorry, is the tea too hot? Do you not like it? I can-"

"No, no. That's not it. I just... This is hard for me to say." Michael struggled to find the words he wanted. "Before I leave, I just wanted you to know that I've always admired you much more than anypony else. You have a kind of control and gentleness I could never hope to have, and you inspire me to try to better myself every day."

Fluttershy was speechless. Her cheeks burned at the praise as she tried to force words out of her mouth. "I... thank you. I really don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. I need to get going, but I wanted you to know that first." In one motion, Michael gulped down his entire cup of tea and got up to leave. "Thanks for the tea," he said as he grabbed his camera and headed for the door. As he was opening it, however, he paused. "Just promise me one thing. If you ever meet a guy named Mike Kroon, run. You run the fuck away from him." That said, he closed the door behind him, where he was finally able to drop his calm facade.

"HOLY FUCK! THAT SHIT IS HOT AS DICKS!"

Applejack sent a powerful kick into the apple tree behind her, nodding to herself as she heard its fruit fall into the strategically placed baskets around its base. She was about to hoist one onto her back when she heard the sound of footsteps approaching her. Turning, the farm mare caught sight of Michael, who was waving as he drew near.

She sighed. "Whaddya need, partner? We ain't exactly on the best of terms and I'm a mite busy right now."

"Just one thing, AJ," the Achievement Hunter began, "Just one quick little question and I'll be out of your hair... mane. Whatever."

"Alright. Shoot."

"I just wanted to know how it feels to be the worst pony ever."

"What?! I... you..."

While the earth pony stuttered, Michael spun his camera to face him, grinning widely into the lens. "SUCK A DICK, RAY!"

Author's Note

If you're confused about the very sporadic nature of the story, I designed it after the formula of most Rage Quit videos. And if you haven't watched Rage Quit...
1. Why are you here?
2. WATCH RAGE QUIT!

I'm so sorry about everything in this story.