The Pony/Brony Conversations {Season One}

by Pyrotechnic

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Romance
Length: 29027

This is an interview, if you don't know what that is, I suggest you stop while you are ahead.

The conversations featured in this story are real. Nothing has been made up. I assume no responsibility if you find offense to any of this story's content as you are warned at the beginning of each episode.

This story is really random and contains numerous off topic ramblings. It might take forever to get to the topic at hand. If this bothers you, you are reading the wrong story.

Features the parings of: TwiDash, RariJack, ScootaBelle, Implied FlutterPie, as well as a few unique parings never before heard of. I have a strong friendship with Luna, Derpy, and the Crusaders. There is also no 4th wall as it is completely shattered.

Rated Mature for Pervasive Sexual Content including Innuendo and Humor, and Strong Language. Some ponies are out of character and portrayed to be a lot more sexually perverted and foul mouthed. Please make sure this doesn't bother you or else you won't have as much fun as you can.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-23 00:04:47 UTC

Pilot: Introductions and Laughter

Management is not responsible for any misplaced hopes and dreams that you may have upon reading this. If you laugh for more than four hours, stop reading and consult your doctor. If this continues to persist, stop reading fanfiction and maybe take up something relaxing like jumping out of a plane or playing the penis game. This will have strong language, questionable interpretations of various characters, sexual content including humor, and underage cursing. Because of this, we at the Equestrian Rating Board has rated this show Mature. Kick out all whiny pussies, brats, and whiners as this will have really bad language and material. If you complain anyway and can't take a joke, then we politely suggest you go fuck yourself after going to your doctor to get your head examined. Fantasy and reality are two different things, and because of this, you aren't cut out for this sort of shit. Do not attempt any of the stunts in the following and if you do, you probably don't deserve to live anyway. Though whether the pilot episode will have anything dangerous is up for debate!

Enjoy the show!!

TV

MA

DLS

Twilight: Hello and welcome to a very special episode of the show. In this episode, we will basically ask the author some questions. We are very much aware of the significance of this and just where we are.

Pinkie: Do you really know where you are Twilight? It is, after all, a very special place to me.

Twilight: YES! Of course I know where we are. This is the fourth wall, where you say things that make no sense and where THEY watch our every possible move

Fluttershy: Sounds scary. I don't know if I like a whole bunch of strangers staring at me.

Rainbow Dash: Relax Flutters, most of the fans of the show are nice and write stories based on our adventures. Only a handful really write stories that aren't all that good. Some of them even write stories based on our sex lives. You would probably know more about that Rares.

Rarity: Are you implying what I think you're implying darling!

Pinkie: Of course she is Rarity!

Rarity: That isn't what you are supposed to say. You are supposed to say, “Of course not Rarity. Don't be overreacting about such trivial things”

Rainbow Dash: (deadpan) “Of course not Rarity. Don't be overreacting about such trivial things!” I was only joking and you aren't a prissy fuss when it comes to your stallion friends, and or the occasional baby dragon or foal. Are you happy now?

Rarity: I don't like the implications of that statement and I don't think I will dignify that with a response.

Pinkie: Don't you see Rarity? You just reacted to Dashie's bate, and look at least 5% silly with all that you said on the matter.

Twilight: We are getting off schedule. We don't have time for arguing about Rarity's sex life. I am sure she gets plenty.

Rarity: (facehoof) That wasn't the point dear.

Applejack: Don't we have like somepony or some such person to interview? Where is he, I can't believe he is late to his own interview.

Pinkie: He isn't late. How else is this dialogue being written?

Twilight: That isn't the point, he is still late, and it is going against schedule.

Pinkie: I am still telling you Twilight, he isn't late. He is just waiting for the proper time to actually introduce that ark of this little story thing.

Rainbow Dash: He decided to gather us here and tell us a bit about himself just because he can and doesn't really have any qualms about shit like this.

Rarity: Rainbow, after all this earlier conversation and you decide to bring out the offensive language. HOW COULD YOU!?

Rainbow Dash: This is not a public thing Rares. He has this under password and only one person is in the audience tonight.

Applejack: I heard a member of the sadly lacking Applejack fan club is in the audience today.

Twilight: There is a fan club about you?

Applejack: I reckon there is and should be, after all I am Best Pony.

Rainbow: YOU BETRAYED ME HARRISON!!!!! HOW COULD YOU TYPE THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.

(candy falls out of the sky and lands in front of Dash)

Rainbow: You think you could just bribe me and expect things to just go back to normal? After betraying me with that statement?

(a picture falls down from the sky, as well as a small piece of paper)

Dash: (looks at the paper) Holy shit!

Twilight: Language, Rainbow! Tone it down.

Dash: Holy fucking shit! I will definitely accept your apology this time bud. But if you betray me, I will have to kill you.

Twilight: Dash!!!!

Dash: WHAT?! He sent me a picture of Spitfire..... well never mind what she is doing, but I really need this.

Applejack and Rarity: I just bet you do!

Harrison: Sorry I am late guys, I was in traffic.

Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight: But you don't drive...

Harrison: I know, but I have always wanted to say that, and now that dream comes true.

Twilight: Anyway, this little session will involve each of us asking you questions about various aspects of your life.

Harrison: Why!?

Pinkie: It is a sad day, when even the author of this thing doesn't know why he is here.

Harrison: All I got was the memo on Geckos and Lizards not being chew toys or playthings.

Fluttershy: (beaming) That is so true!

Rainbow: Well, whatever, who should go first. I want to go back home to take a nap.

Rarity: Is that before or after you have fun with yourself?

Twilight: Rarity!!! Stop being crass

Pinkie: Have you ever said that word before Twilight? That might be a smidgen out of character.

Harrison: Who cares. Let's start the interview already. One of you, ask me shit.

Twilight: Alrighty then, how old are you?

Everybody but Twilight: That question isn't anything new. The answer has already been stated and is a waste of time.

Twilight: Geeze, alright, I get it. You don't have to gang up on me. If you don't like that question, then one of you ask something better.

Fluttershy: Which one of us did you get into, when you first started to watch the show.

Harrison: Good question Fluttershy. I technically didn't get involved in the show till after reading fanficiton. My first story was similar in some weird way to this scenario. All of you were at a sleep over and Twilight over there got asked a sex question during truth or dare by Rainbow Dash.

Rarity: That actually sounds like something she would do.

Rainbow: Hey!! Asking embarrassing personal questions is the only way to go.

Pinkie: Are you right hoof or left hoof dominate.

Rainbow: Left of course! But what does this have to do with anything?

Pinkie: If you have a sick enough mind and can read between the lines, I am sure you can figure it out.

Rarity: (giggles)

Dash: I still don't get it.

Harrison: (whispers something into Dash's ear)

Rainbow: (pale) And I actually said that when it meant THAT!?

(I nod)

Rainbow: I hate you so much right now Pinkie.

Pinkie: You aren't the only one.

Harrison: Bringing the conversation back to me again, I liked what I was reading when I read a story by Streak The Dragon, about TwiSpike. It got me into the show and turned me into a crazy, pony obsessed Brony.

Twilight: Spike and I were together?!

Harrison: Yeah, you went to Rarity for another romance novel so you can have a nice date with Leftie. You tried passing off the aftermath as a tea stain, but Rarity saw through that pathetic lie.

Twilight: Was it really that bad?

Harrison: It would have worked if it wasn't for Rarity smelling it and knowing that it wasn't tea.

Rarity: (smug) I know what is and what isn't tea very well and I am surprised that you would think it would work.

Applejack: How would you know what the difference was?

Rarity: Never you mind that Applejack.

Applejack: First hoof experience?

Rarity: I am not answering that Applejack. I am a lady, and I can choose to ignore what you say.

Pinkie: How does choosing to ignore Applejack, prove your a lady?

Rarity: I haven't thought that far ahead yet, try again in a few minutes.

Harrison: Anyway, does anypony else have something to ask? We need a lot more questions to work with.

Applejack: Which one of us are you attracted to?

Rarity: You can't just ask something like that? Applejack, I am surprised at you.

Harrison: Rainbow Dash, and a smidgen of affection for that pony over there (points to Twilight)

Rainbow and Twilight: (smug) I have absolutely no problem with this.

Harrison: Who can also forget about that one? (points at Fluttershy)

(The next moment involves Fluttershy eeping and falls off her chair, trying to learn the art of invisibility)

(An intense awkward moment of silence occurs as everypony and the author try to figure out how to keep the ball rolling)

Pinkie: What was the craziest thing you ever did as a child... or foal... whichever one fits your situation.

Harrison: I am glad you answered that Pinkie. When I was around 5 or 6, though the actual time frame escapes me, I had a very overactive imagination, and I would like to recreate scenes from my favorite games, where I was the video game character. This meant that I tried to act like a video game. Sadly, I couldn't jump straight up a ledge without hurting my knee.

Rainbow: That sounds kinda lame.

Harrison: (grins sinisterly at Dash) You also haven't heard what I did later at the same school.

Rainbow: Do I want to know?

Harrison: Well one day in class, I was listening to the teacher talk about whatever, and I noticed a pair of scissors nearby.

Twilight: Scissors are very dangerous and shouldn't be in the wrong hooves or life as we know it can end.

(I nod)

Harrison: That is so true, which was why I was very bored. This is the kind of boredom that you feel yourself wasting away.

Rainbow: WOW, that is really fucking bored.

Harrison: Well then I got the greatest idea ever!

Pinkie: Strap on photon torpedoes to your car and use it to blow up drivers that piss the fuck out of you.

Harrison: BETTER!

Pinkie: Set the house on fire and pretend you are Superman.

Harrison: BETTER!

Pinkie: Dedicate your entire life to politics and when you hopefully get elected, raise taxes by 90%

Harrison: No, I decided to play with the scissors and pretend they were a video game boss trying to get me and I had to use my mouth to defeat them, while imagining cheap thrill music in the background of my head.

(Silence... There is absolutely no sound and everypony is struggling to process what they have just heard)

Fluttershy: That sounds..... nice... what happened?

Harrison: (Grinning) I cut my lip and got a palmful of blood in my hand. When I screamed that I cut my lip, I went to the hospital. Well sorta.... just a small doctor who stitched me up. I didn't like that though and started to scream bloody murder.

(Silence)

Harrison: I wonder if those kids in the waiting room at the time appreciated the fact that some random kid was screaming his head off and sounded like he was being murdered.

(Silence)

Harrison: I really don't like needles and had to eventually be restrained since I tried fending off the doctors, bleeding lip be damned.

Rainbow: I can understand that.

Twilight: Rainbow, of course you would understand, when I took you for your flu shot, it took twenty of Princess Celesta's royal guards, Princess Luna, Applejack, and myself to restrain you, and Luna ended up with a shattered pelvis, Celestia with a broken rib, I had a fucking black eye and broken leg, and Applejack was knocked out.

Rainbow: Heh, you remember that.

Twilight: (glare) I had to finally knock you over the head with a fucking table to get anything done. I know you don't like needles, Dash but you fucking hurt me. For reminding me of that unpleasant situation, this is the last time, I let you massage me using butter for awhile.

Dash: (Blushes) but you liked it..... wait... YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT! I also have no control over my reactions when it comes to needles. I am sorry I hurt you, but it couldn't have been helped.

Twilight: I never said you and I weren't a couple anymore, but that black eye fucken hurt.

Rarity: This is severely off the topic. We still have a ton of questions to ask and we are still on the 3rd one.

Pinkie: Yeah, the list is very long and while we have all the time we can possibly need, we actually have to have this go somewhere or the producer will get restless.

Twilight: We have a producer? This isn't TV and nopony or anyone is watching this. We aren't even live or anything!

Pinkie: She should know who she is! (waves at a random spot that no one can see) After all, if you don't know yourself, then what is the whole point?

Harrison: Pinkie, can you try to be normal for once in your life?

Pinkie: (tilts her head in confusion) What is this normal you speak of and how does one be “normal”

Applejack: Never mind random, thinking questions. Let's get the ball rolling and ask these damned questions.

Fluttershy: I agree, if you don't mind, can one of you ask the next question?

(Silence)

Harrison: You know what I just realized?

All: What?

Harrison: I never answered a question about who I got into when I first started the show. I mentioned only one half of the answer and then we got sidetracked by something. I hope this doesn't have a habit of happening.

Pinkie: Does anypony else find the idea of the author himself wondering if this would happen in the first place, odd?

Harrison (ignoring Pinkie) Well, I had researched My Little Pony on Wikipedia, after reading the TwiSpike story, I started to like the characters. The romance was pleasantly graphic, but not anything nearly good enough to get off on.

Dash: Isn't that a bitch? You can't find decent sex these days!

Twilight: (Smug) I thought I did plenty for you already Rainbow. Especially when I rub your p...

Dash: TWILIGHT, WE AGREED TO KEEP THIS PRIVATE!!!!

Twilight: But you said....

Dash: Never mind what I said, we agreed and besides.... (turns to Rarity) She is here and with her nature to gossip and harass innocent relationships till she gets her claws on the juicy gossip, we are not safe.

Rarity: Now what was this about a sensitive spot that Rainbow has?

Twilight: Oh, don't you know Rarity? Rainbow really likes her va....

(Desperate to shut Twilight up, Dash does the only thing that can ever shut Twilight up from disclosing personal information about her. She takes out a clip of what looks like a scrunchy with two metal rungs. She straps it on top of Twilight's horn, and presses a button that only she knew the location of. Twilight's smug expression instantly vanishes and replaced with a look of intense pleasure. Her tongue flops out of her mouth and her legs twitch. She spasms with a look of intense pleasure still on her face. Some drool escapes her mouth.)

Twilight: OOOOHHHH SSSSSSSSWWWWWEEEET CEEEELLLEESSSTIA... FUUUCKKKK YOOOOOUUUU DAAAAA...

(She collapses to the ground proceeding to spasm in pleasure while completely failing to function normally. Loud moans continue to explode out of her mouth. This is proceeded by intense twitching. A white stain slowly appears under her.)

Rainbow: That is the best way for Twilight to shut up when yelling at me. Strap on an electromagnetic vibrator thing on her horn and the rest takes care of itself. She also is extremely cute this way, so all of it is one giant plus for me.

Rarity: (mumbling) Thank Celestia, Sweetie Belle and her friends aren't here... This is something children shouldn't be privy to yet.

Harrison: ARE THERE ANY OTHER DISTRACTIONS THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT!?!

(nothing happens)

Harrison: Okay then, well anyway, once I watched the first episode I was hooked instantly. I was expecting something similar to The Land before Time with morality lessons.

Fluttershy: What is The Land before Time?

Harrison: It was a 1988 film starring a dinosaur Longneck thing named Littlefoot as his mother is killed, he must venture to a better nesting ground. Shitty summery aside, he meets dinosaurs of each species and befriends them.

Fluttershy: Sounds nice, why is that so bad?

Harrison: I agree, the first movie was the best. It wasn't a musical about friendship and caring, and emotional shit like that. The series also proceeds to have like 12 fucken direct to video sequels all having none of the original voice cast. I fucken hated it after the 4th one, then they got old. I also haven't seen anything past the 4th one so that may have something to do with it. The friendship lessons got a bit old and with them randomly breaking into song about it.

Fluttershy: (Crying) but we sing about friendship.... what's the difference

Harrison: First off, I am not condemning MLP. I would have to be fucking nuts or dead to not like the show. Second off, it was a cheesy musical where they forced out songs at seemingly random intervals with absolutely no comedic or logical timing to them. This is something that most musicals seem to have. Too many fucking songs and not a lot of movie.

Applejack: They call it a musical because they have songs. It is pretty weird to complain about these kinds of things when the genre is called a musical.

Harrison: True, and I don't hate all musicals. This is nothing to do with MLP, but some musicals are actually pretty good. Sweeney Todd is one such musical that I can stand. There is a Cupcakes themed Sweeney Todd parody with you in it Pinkie. You had a more happy role in that story, and the cause of it is a little horrible.

Pinkie: (Giggling) What was this one about? There are so many Cupcakes spinoffs and crossovers that I started to lose track of them.

Harrison: Well, Wolokai wrote a trilogy called the Pinkanesia Trilogy. The first one was inspired by Cupcakes and Sweeney Todd. Basically, you and Fluttershy were getting ready in Sugercube Corner for the afternoon rush. Pinkie, you are in the basement trying to locate various ingredients, when you stumble upon a dead body.

All: A WHAT!?!

Harrison: Yeah, you proceed to freak out about it.

Pinkie: Yet another reason that it isn't related to Cupcakes in that way then. As long as I am not purposely killing ponies, then it is at least a bit better.

Harrison: Don't relax yet guys. Anyway, this is about the time that the health inspector shows up.

Pinkie: They tend to do that at the worst possible times. When you are in the shower, fucking your wife, or in bed.

Harrison: I believe those are telemarketers and they do indeed suck, though I myself have a really bad indirect dealing with these fuckers. My internet at my mom's house was very fucked up and every time some fucking idiot called, the internet would restart. This got extremely fucking annoying when I was downloading something or watching something on Youtube. Seems a lot of these people were telemarketers.

Pinkie: So what happened after that in the story?

Harrison: Well I want to avoid a lot of spoilers, but basically you are blamed for murdering the victim and Fluttershy helps you escape. Eventually, when you are escaping (alongside a caraway Scootaloo who hitched a ride... though we don't find this out till later) in the forest, Fluttershy decides to sacrifice herself so that Pinkie can escape with minimal fuss. She gives herself over and basically takes responsibility for Pinkie's supposed crime.

Fluttershy and Pinkie: That sounds kinda bad.

Harrison: What basically ends up happening is Pinkie and Scootaloo living in some kind of City I forget the name of at the moment, and end up killing the rich and greedy and baking them into cupcakes to feed the homeless and poor.

(silence)

Pinkie: That reminds me of something but I don't know what it is. Maybe some kind of Tumblr blog of some kind.

Harrison: I think you are right. That blog had you and Scoots in a Cupcakes themed world as master and assistant... maybe mother. The story crossovers Amnesia, Sweeney Todd, and Cupcakes. The trilogy focuses on Pinkie as a mother figure for Scoots and later in the trilogy, try to stop a dark presence from fucking up Equestria. The 2nd book kills off about 99% of all of you and brings you back at the end thanks to a sacrifice on Pinkie's Part. Though her fate is vague till book 3.

Twilight: That was a bunch of spoilers don't you think?

Harrison: Yeah, but it was vague enough. When I first read it, I was traumatized due to everypony dying, so I figured that was an easier spoiler to deal with. The series ends happily.

Applejack: Harrison, I noticed how comfortable you are with saying everypony. Is there any specific reason for that?

Harrison: When you are obsessed with Ponies as much as I am, you start using the speech of the land so to speak. I won't say it outside of being online, but if any of you were here in the real world and not in some kind of void, I would probably do the same thing.

Twilight: Well, we have time for one more question, before the chapter ends.

Pinkie: Hey, I was supposed to say that last part!

Twilight: I said it first Pinkie, so therefore we will focus on that fact.

Harrison: What did you want to know?

Applejack: What is your most embarrassing memory that you remember? (Grins wide)

Twilight: It is about time we actually focus on the list of questions. (beams at Applejack) Thanks for sticking to the script Applejack.

Harrison: I have two embarrassing memories, but one of them doesn't really count as embarrassing, I just wanted to fit it in this specific chapter.

Pinkie: There is no 4th wall here.... nope... move along people!

Harrison: When I was 11, give or take a little, I was at a kind of social group where we basically learn about social interactions and learn how to behave. This is a piss poor explanation of it, but sometimes we would go out and do fun things together as a group... Well anyway, one time while at an older location, me and this one girl named Katie were playing together. I grabbed her legs and proceeded to drag her... we were playing quite rough... well anyway, I am dragging her backwards, and I notice that my hands are slipping. Next thing I know she is freaking out and looking embarrassed. Long story short, I had accidentally pulled her pants down. I was 11 and could see her panties.... though I have no idea what they were. She didn't slap me as it was innocent, but I can damn well say the moment was ruined forever. No one else saw this, at least I can't remember if there were any witnesses, but I tried my best to avoid her, worried that I had ticked her off.

Rainbow: (laughing) That is rich. You pulled down a mare's pants.

Harrison: We were rough housing.... I didn't mean to! She forgave me and it was the last time I ever seen anything of that nature.

Fluttershy: What happened to her?

Harrison: I have no idea. We haven't spoken for around 12 years... I lost contact with those specific group members, but there were two Katie's' around that time so we called them their name alongside the first initial of their last names.

Rarity: Well what is the next moment, dear?

Harrison: Yes. I had almost forgotten. This one isn't embarrassing but it is serious. Did you know that I could have died as a baby?

(gasps are heard around the void as everypony looks shocked)

Twilight: Really?

Harrison: Yeah, my mom works as a Home Health Nurse and goes around basically taking care of various people who need her help or have a tough time functioning on their own. Basically the definition of a Home Health Nurse. Well one day, with her older car, she was on her way to the next patient. She had me and a dog of ours that I don't remember in the car with her. There was some engine problems and the car finally seemed to stop outside a house.

Fluttershy: Oh my.... I have a bad feeling about this.

Harrison: She takes me and the dog outside to go phone for help at this person's house and when she gets to the door of the house, the car bursts into flames.

Rainbow and Applejack: Holy fuck!

Harrison: If she didn't take me and the dog outside with her, then this conversation wouldn't be happening.

(Silence)

Twilight: This is one hell of a way to leave off this chapter.  I was hoping it would be a little happier then that.

Harrison: That is why I started with the more embarrassing one first. To fuck with everyone's emotions with the wrong one.

Rainbow: Well I have to catch up with the latest episode in the Daring Do show... This was a lot of fun, but I really need to know how she escapes this one. She was shot, drugged, and left for dead and I don't see any possible way she can escape. I hope nothing bad happens.

Twilight: Rainbow, you forget, we have to go to Canterlot so I can introduce you to my parents as my date instead as one of the Elements.

Rainbow: Dammit, how could I forget something like that?

Rarity: Sweetie Belle needs somepony at home with her at all times so I have to take off as well. Who knows what can happen with that one?

Applejack: I am sure everypony knows what I have to do at this point as it is all I ever do.

Pinkie: Same here. I have to go drown a duck in the bathtub.

Fluttershy: PINKIE!!!!

Pinkie: Don't worry, it is some kind of advertising duck. He is really fucking annoying and even you would find him a fucking waste of space.

Fluttershy: Oh, well have fun with that.

Harrison: I guess this is the end of the first chapter. We will be here at some other point in time, and we hope that our producer likes the show so far. This is Harrison, signing off. Till next time fuckers!

(Cue My Little Pony credits theme)

Episode 1: Cutie Marks and Revelations

The following is rated M, meaning it contains things of an adult nature. If you can't take a joke, fuck off! Don't come crying to me if you feel offended due to technicolor ponies  talking about fucking each other. There is a reason that Lauren Faust didn't air this shit. So get your shit together, the path only gets rougher from this point onwards.

Enjoy the show!!!!

TV

MA

DLS

Twilight: Wow that warning we had this time got rather mean.

Dash: I know, they seem to get meaner as time goes on.

Twilight, but this is our first episode Rainbow. How can they get meaner if this is only the first episode?

Dash: Maybe it will become a gimmick and each starting episode will get meaner and meaner.

Harrison: We shall see Dash. We shall see.

Pinkie: What's up on the agenda for this episode?

Scootaloo: This time, we be on this bitch motherfuckers!

Harrison: Holy fucking shit, it's Scootaloo!

Rarity: Language, dear! There are foals present and you are quite foul mouthed.

Sweetie Belle: We are not slow simpletons. We know how the world works.

Apple Bloom: (smug) Yeah That's right, we know all there is to know about the world. Why, just the other day, I know that Applejack wanted you to put blueberry jam up her ass and eat it out.

Rarity: You heard that!

Applejack: Dammit Apple Bloom, I thought you were sleeping.

Apple Bloom: Do you know how fucking loud Rarity is when you are eating out her ass?

Rarity: (blushing) Why are we having this conversation?

Applejack: That isn't the point. What I do to Rarity and what objects I insert into her ass is my business and my business alone.

Scootaloo: Hey that sounds like a good cutie mark! Can I help too? Maybe I can get my 'shove things into other ponies asses' cutie mark!

(Everypony and the author stare at Scootaloo in alarm.)

Scootaloo: What? I just asked a question.

(Sweetie slaps Scootaloo on the cheek. She looks mildly annoyed.)

Sweetie: If you want to shove something up an ass, you can do that to me. You are mine. I may have forgiven you for feeling up Babs, but next time I will restrict your wings.

Babs: She was the culprit? I thought it was Apple Bloom. (turns to Apple Bloom) I am sooooo sorry Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom: (giggling) Don't worry about it Babsey. I kinda liked how you retaliated.

Babs: But I threw a table at you! I then restricted se...... I mean happy fun time for 5 months. If you were a colt, I left you with blue balls for that entire time.

Apple Bloom: (leans in close) But being restricted was part of the pleasure Babsey.

Babs: You are so weird Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom: The Apple family is into some pretty weird things. There is Applejack's weird fetish of ass play, I like sex restriction. You don't want to know what Big Mac is into.

Applejack: (shuddering) That guy is really weird when in the sack. I feel so bad for Cheerilee.

Fluttershy: (She is intensely blushing and a big puddle of insecurity) I-I-I-I-I just want to S-Start the show already.

(Pinkie leans over and comforts Fluttershy. Oddly enough for everypony, minus the author, she isn't all smiles and sunshine) Don't worry Flutter Butter. We won't sidetrack any more.

Twilight: That is really bizarre thinking about

Dash: I never thought I would see the day.

Harrison: What are we all confused about?

Twilight: But, you are the author and creator of this show! How can you possibly not know what is going on?

Applejack: Anyway, our weird sex lives aside, it is time to get started on the show. We have to ask questions and receive answers....

Dash: That is the most generic summery of this entire show that you could have possibly used. Good job Applesmack

Applejack: AND WE have so little time to do so in.

Fluttershy: (whisper) I would like to ask a question.

Scootaloo: OOH.... OOOH, How about we start?

Harrison: I think Fluttershy......

Sweetie: Yeah, maybe we can finally ask the question to someone that is biased towards us.

Apple Bloom: Yeah.... maybe we can finally get our Marks that way.

Harrison:  But Fluttershy.....

Babs: How in the everlasting fuck do we get our Cutie Marks?

Harrison: (sigh) Sorry Fluttershy!

Fluttershy: It's alright, I wasn't ready after all. You go on ahead and answer the question. That is, if you want to.

Harrison: Alright, well I will start with Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie: You will? Wow, I thought you would start with Scootaloo first since you love her.

Scootaloo: Don't you know anything Sweets? He is saving the best for last.

Dash: (leaning towards Twilight) She really is starting to sound like me.

Twilight: She looks up to you, it only stands for logical fact that a number one fan will reflect the basic personality of their hero. Scootaloo absolutely adores you in every possible way. So the only way she can properly reflect that is to regain elements of your personality.

Dash: I love it when you talk all sciencey Twilight!

Twilight: That isn't the only thing you love!

Harrison: Alright! Back to the conversation at hand! Sweetie, I have no idea how you haven't noticed yet. You have perhaps the loveliest singing voice out of anypony here.

Sweetie: But the crowds.... I don't want to sing in front of crowds. They all look at me, quietly judging me. They will hate it, and reject all my hopes and dreams. I will let everypony who ever loves me down based on their hateful words.

Harrison: Let me tell you a story, Sweetie Belle. When I was 13 or 14, I was in the school play. This school called Havern was putting on a Lion King play. I was in it as a narrator. There is no way in fucking hell, I would be in a bigger part. I never practiced once because I memorized my lines. Well fast forward to opening night and I am absolutely fucking terrified. I do terribly in crowds, and this was the worst one of it's kind, an audience.

Sweetie: See you were terrified! I don't want to let anypony down. They all have such high hope in me, and if I mess up, then I will be ruined.

Rarity: Oh don't be so dramatic Sweetie! The point is we can never hate you.

Harrison: I was backstage, and it was getting closer and closer to my lines.

Scootaloo: Where in the Lion King were you supposed to go on at?

Harrison: It was around the time that Simba and Nala are growing up. That scene transition was around the time my lines were. Though it has been a million years since I was at that school so I might be forgetting some things. Point is, outwardly, I was nervous. Maybe I would fuck up my lines and embarrass myself. I was beginning to regret not practicing.

Twilight: If you had a chance to do it over, would you have studied?

Harrison: Oh hell no! I knew the lines by heart. Point is, I was terrified. When I got on, I thought of playing dead. Maybe they would cancel the show if they thought I had died.

Twilight: You can't just do that! Everypony there was watching their foals put on a play. They expected you to go on.

Harrison: I get supreme stage fright, and I thought about it repeatedly. It was a possibility of delaying the inevitable.

Sweetie: What ended up happening?

Harrison: I didn't want to be the center of attention if I did delay. So many people staring at me because I done fucked up. So  I go onstage and I recount the lines perfectly.

Sweetie: You imagined they were in their underwear didn't you? Everypony says some useless advice like that. It never helps.

Harrison: I did no such thing!

Sweetie: What do you mean? That is what everypony does.

Harrison: I pretended there was no audience. I stared at an imaginary point and pretended that there was not a million parents staring at me. It would only mess me up if I looked at the potential smiling faces of my loved ones. I did this same strategy when in New York being embarrassed by a comedian. He had called on me and interacted with me. I made a few jokes, but I tried not to think of all the people in the audience staring at me. Don't stare at anypony and imagine you are by yourself. It sounds depressing, but it helped me.... It also isn't a fucking cliche that gets told to anyone these days. It helps, or at least it did me.

Sweetie: But what if they don't like my singing? What if I fuck up and disappoint everypony that cares for me?

Scootaloo: We can never be disappointed in you Sweets!

Rarity: You are my sister and you may not be a dress maker like I am, but I can never be disappointed in my own sister.

Twilight: Sweetie, I heard you singing when you were practicing for the talent show. You have a wonderful singing voice.

Dash: You can wow anypony with your voice! Just don't play at any of the Wonderbolt shows or you can upstage even me.

Twilight: Oh Rainbow! Don't say it like that!

Scootaloo: We love you Sweetie Belle and we can never be disappointed in you.

Sweetie: (teary eyed) I don't know what to say you guys.

Scootaloo: Why don't you sing for us. Make this show even more fucking awesome then it already is.

Sweetie: I don't know you guys.

Scootaloo: For me?

Harrison: (leaning back in chair) My work here is done.

Twilight: Yeah sing for us Sweetie Belle!

Sweetie: Well, what if it sucks?

Apple Bloom: Bitch please, if you suck, the show wouldn't have hinted many times with how fucking amazing your singing is. I can think of two instances where you have the voice of an angel.

Sweetie: Am I really that good?

Apple Bloom: Absolutely!

Sweetie: Well...... alright, but if it sucks and I hurt your ears, then don't come whining to me.

(Sweetie takes a microphone out of the void where random objects are stored when they aren't needed. For some reason that isn't explained, a smooth jazzy tune appears in the background, and with one final hesitation, Sweetie takes a deep breath and begins to sing.)

(As Sweetie sings, the words flow out smoothly with little to no interruptions or flaws. Her eyes are closed as if worried that she would be noticed. After awhile though, she opens her eyes and continues to look of into space. Her voice is flawless and everypony is on edge. Finally she comes to the end of the song. When the song finally ends, everypony is speechless for a few seconds. Scootaloo is the first to erupt into applause. Her clapping of her hooves is soon joined in by the others.)

Scootaloo: That was fucking amazing Sweetie! You did very good.

Twilight: Why did you hesitate like that? You were amazing!

Sweetie: Was it really that good? I didn't ....

Scootaloo: You want to know how fucking good it was? Try this!

(She swoops Sweetie off her hooves and leans close, giving her an earth shattering kiss on the lips. Everypony's applause dies swiftly then, as they all stare at the kissing couple. Dash is cheering wildly, with Applejack looking at Rarity with a smoldering expression on her face. Fluttershy and the author are closing their eyes trying to pretend they are invisible. Apple Bloom is kissing Babs in the same way, all the older ponies not paying attention to them. Finally Scootaloo releases Sweetie from the enrapturing bliss of the kiss.)

Scootaloo: Does that answer your question?

Sweetie: I can't brain... please logic answer.... (her brain reboots) Scootaloo please refrain from doing that in public. You know how hot your kisses make me.

Twilight: We are severely off track with this latest distraction. We are only 1990 words in and we still have two questions left to answer.

Dash: (threatening) Quiet you! Can't you see that Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were eating face?

Twilight: But we are off schedule.

Dash: Do you want me to get Mr. Clampy out? I am sure he would love to sit on your horn again.

Twilight: I'll be good. I don't want to make another mess in public again. Not after the last time.

Dash: Then shut it, and bask in the wonders of ScootaBelle.

Apple Bloom: Hey Harrison, what will my Cutie Mark be?

Harrison: Seriously, you are asking me that? Haven't you been paying attention?

Apple Bloom: What am I supposed to be paying attention to?

Babs: I can think of a few things for a start.

Apple Bloom: (blushing) Besides that I mean... I tried everything I can possibly think of and still nothing.

Harrison: Mares and gentlecolts....

Rarity: There aren't any colts or stallions here.

Harrison: That isn't the point Rarity. Anyway, direct your attention to exhibit A. (points to the left)

Twilight: Holy shit! I think that is Big Mac!

Dash: Is he doing what I think he is doing to Cheerilee?

Scootaloo: He is.... He totally is shoving a banana into her ear and fucking it.

Pinkie: Oh dear god my eyes!!!I won't be able to look at a banana the same way again!

Dash: Now he is eating it and shoving it back into her face while he fucks her in the other ear.

Applejack: I told you he is into weird shit. At least Cheerilee hasn't left him yet. That isn't even the worst he can do.

Scootaloo: On Monday, she is going to be walking funny after that!

Harrison: I don't think I want to know, and that wasn't even what I wanted to share in the first place.

Pinkie: It is too late, I have the mental image in my head and now the worms of doom are eating into my brain!

Harrison: What I wanted to show you is the other left. There!

Apple Bloom: Our clubhouse? What does that have to do with anything?

Harrison: Can you take a look at this picture right here?

Apple Bloom: Wow, Applejack can certainly fit her muzzle real deep into Rarity!

Harrison: No, not that one.... this one. Sheesh that joke has already been done too many times.

Apple Bloom: Boy that building really does look condemned!

Harrison: I heard from a reliable source that you were the one who fixed it.

Sweetie: Yeah, it is totally true. That place looked like shit..

Applejack: Hey, that was my clubhouse when I was a filly. It turned out reliable for when I needed it. It made me the mare I am today (grins)

Apple Bloom: I just tried to patch things up. It looked so sad with how angry it looked. The poor thing was dying a slow and agonizing death.

Applejack: That sounds kinda depressing for something that isn't alive in the first place.

Apple Bloom: It was something I just did because it was the right thing to do.

Harrison: Jeeze are the foals here really that slow when it comes to finding their special talents.

Pinkie: The writers are the ones that are responsible for that. Do you know just how many stories there are where they find their Cutie Mark's or are aware of what they could be?

Harrison: That isn't the point. Apple Bloom, I can't believe this show is going down the route of all the other stories. (sighs) How did you feel while you were building the tree house? Anything comes to mind? I hate being cliche.

Apple Bloom: All I really felt was an overwhelming desire to fix what was broken. I may not have had any training or experience or any of that shit really. It felt like I knew what to do...... (A split second pause) It felt right somehow, that I was the happiest I could be while slamming innocent nails into the wood.

Harrison: I think that Rarity's Boutique somehow got knocked down while we were here in this void.

Rarity: WHAT!!?!?!?!?

Sweetie Belle: So that is what that noise was.

Rarity: What noise? I didn't hear anything.

Harrison: That is because Rarity, you were making kissy smoochy faces at Applejack during the adorable kiss of the foals from earlier. If you were paying attention, you would have heard your Boutique explode.

Rarity: You said it was knocked down. Which one is it?

Harrison: It doesn't exist any more... Point is, I had a reliable..... I mean some tragic occurrence randomly demolished your home which I have nothing to do with.... Oh my fucken god, what is THAT!!? (points at a random point off screen)

(Everypony except the author and Scootaloo look and fall for the oldest trick in the non-existent book)

Harrison: (whispers) Did anypony notice you?

Scootaloo: (also whispering) Nope! There is a reason I am called Stalkerloo in some countries. No one notices me if I don't want them to.

Harrison: I hope you got the cat and Rarity's dresses out before using the dynamite.

Scootaloo: Course I fucken did! Now where is the payment we agreed on?

Harrison: Here! It took fucken ages to track down and a lot of effort.

Scootaloo: Thanks... This picture of Rainbow Dash will be useful on those lonely nights I can't have Sweetie Belle with me. But won't you get in trouble for giving this kind of picture to a young, impressionable youngster.

Harrison: I am sure there is a loophole in there somewhere.

Rarity: What did you mean by having us look like simpletons at a random point like that dear?

Harrison: I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about!

Babs: What is my Cutie Mark going to be?

Harrison: You are an interesting case. You only appeared in two episodes and have very little personality like the others do. Judging from what happened the first time, you can be quite slippery.

Apple Bloom: That is so dang true. She can't sit still and I finally have to tie her up to be able to get anywhere.

Applejack: Apple Bloom! Don't be crude!

Harrison: The show might not even feature you anymore for Season 4 and unlike the others, you didn't get a clue as to what you Cutie Mark will be!

Babs: (lowers her head) Oh, so you can't help?

Harrison: I didn't say I have a few theories as to what it could be!

Babs: Well, stop teasing, what the hell is it going to be?

Harrison: Judging from what happened the first time, you can be very tricky. How the fuck did Diamond Tiara not notice you were a blank flank? You covering your non-existent mark should have gotten obvious after awhile?

Apple Bloom: Tiara is a dumb bitch who only cares about herself. I don't think she would have noticed if Silver ate her out."

Applejack: Where did you learn to be so crude AB?

Apple Bloom: (wide, shit eating grin) I learn from the best!

Applejack: (blush) I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or yell at you, so I will just sit here in silence.

Rarity: Bit late for that dear!

Applejack: ...

Harrison: In my fucked up head canon, I picture you as the Apple's future lawyer. Say Apple Bloom accidentally committed a murder...

Rarity: How do you accidentally commit a murder? You either killed the fucker or you didn't. Do or do not do, there is no try.

(Everyone stares at Rarity with wide eyes)

Harrison: You... weren't the one I thought of that would make a Star Wars reference.

Rarity: ...

Pinkie: YOU ARE WRITING THIS ENTIRE THING! HOW IN THE EVERLASTING BLUE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW?

Twilight: Blue fuck?

Pinkie: Shut up!

Harrison: Pinkie! The day someone of my stature can drive somepony like you to madness is a moment few will ever witness. It isn't my fault none of you can fill me on what happens.

Pinkie: You are the freaking author! You are writing these words.... HOW? How is it fucking possible you don't know your own jokes.

Harrison: I am surprised you, yourself haven't figured it out.

Twilight: I knew from day one!

Scootaloo: Even I know what he is doing!

Rarity: (pats Pinkie) You can't know all dear!

Pinkie: But I can break the fourth wall! I can bend physics to my will! I can do anything! Why can't I know what is going on here!

Dash: You are a pony.

Pinkie: Yes, thanks for that Dash. You are Rainbow Dash, But I don't tell you that!

Harrison: You are only Pony. You can't know everything.

Babs: Hey, we were talking about me! I want to know more about my Cutie Mark. Rip off!

Apple Bloom: This is a thing. Seems we can't focus on one topic and go off on many tangents.

Applejack: Where did you learn that word?

Apple Bloom: You spend too long around Sweetie Belle and you pick up new words.

Sweetie: (beaming) I say the same thing about Rarity!

Harrison: I had a story planned where the Crusaders are sick of not getting their Cutie Marks.

Apple Bloom: But we are sick of not getting our Cutie Marks. That isn't anything new.

Harrison: That isn't the point, this story was rather dark and involved Scootaloo going around trying to think up ways to get her Cutie Mark. Eventually, she happens upon you, Apple Bloom, and learns of your machine to steal Cutie Marks from other ponies.

(Silence)

Harrison: It was a grimdark! But oddly enough, no pony actually looses their lives.

Dash: How does that work?

Harrison: Simple, through the powers of bullshitting machines, I was able to say that it was capable of stealing the abilities of the ponies. Say Dash is used as a victim so to speak.

Dash: Hey!

Harrison: What would you say, Dash, is your distinguishing characteristic?

Dash: My what?

Twilight: He means what makes you, you Dash.

Dash: Oh, that would be my wings!

Harrison: You are close... You entire being rests on you being able to fly. Scootaloo treasures you, but is insanely jealous of your ability to fly. So this machine would steal your wings and replace them with Scootaloo's. It also has a side effect of stealing personalities.

Dash: So, Scootaloo's wings would be mine and mine will be hers? That sounds a bit weird.

Harrison: Yes, you get perhaps the worst treatment of all since she gets your personality and pretty much steals everything from you. You basically turn into her. You don't remember life as Rainbow Dash and basically turn into the next Scootaloo.

Dash: Weird

Harrison: I don't remember where I wanted to go with this, but I remember a few things about it, and it leads into my long awaited answer for Babs. Sweetie Belle, again had a musical talent, but hers involved using a musical instrument to basically steal the soul of everypony around her. Her voice was soul stealingly good.... literally.

Sweetie: Cool! So I was a kind of Succubus.

Twilight: A succubus is a sex demon though Sweetie. It basically kills stallions (or mares if that particular succubus swings that way) with sex. Repeated sexual intercourse with said Succubus has been known to lead to eventual health issues or death. I think they suck out your soul while fucking you. There is a colt version called an incubus....

Dash: That was morbid knowing all that. Thanks, I am better off now then I was five minutes ago.

Twilight: I think Sweetie, here is more of a Siren. It is mostly used on sea fairing journeys, but I can't think of any other demon she could potentially be. Sirens basically use songs to lure in their victims.

Harrison: Wow, we are being educational now.

Twilight: Always good to learn new things.

Harrison: Sweetie would sometimes use her voice in nightclubs or other places to steal the life force of those around her. Rarity and the others are clueless, but Scootaloo kinda inadvertently figures it out when she overhears Sweetie singing and gets temporarily knocked out. Can't be killing my favorite character now can we?

Scootaloo and Sweetie: What happens next?

Harrison: Basically Scootabelle! Scootaloo is pleased with Sweetie's voice and tries to strike a deal with Sweetie, who is rather reluctant. She tries not to sing around others if she can help it, hence her fear of singing in public.

Sweetie: Clever!

Harrison: But Scootaloo manages to convince her and Sweetie starts her career in song stealing souls. She slowly changes over the course of the story, becoming a lot more mature looking, taller, and having a darker mane. Only Scootaloo and Apple Bloom notice but everypony else is rather clueless.

Apple Bloom: As they should be!

Applejack: Hey!

Harrison: What I said earlier spoiled what Sweetie does to transform, but it basically happens the same. Apple Bloom uses her machine on Diamond Tiara, Twist, Applejack...

Applejack: Hey! I don't like where this is going.

Harrison: Remember what I said, it doesn't kill, just steals the abilities and turns you into a lifeless husk.

Rarity: Mmm, think of the possibilities.

Apple Bloom: What about Silver Spoon?

Harrison: Before I go into that, it also brings up Babs, though off screen.... Point still stands though. Apple Bloom, tired of Diamond Tiara, decides to use her machine to drain Diamond Tiara but when she goes to foalnap her, Silver Spoon is in the way.

Apple Blooms: Rats!

Harrison: You go through it anyway, but this time with Silver. Since Silver Spoon isn't really all that mean to begin with, you offer her a choice. I am really proud of this one. You offer Silver Spoon a free chance to just walk away with no strings attached. She will be spared completely. Kinda a sadistic choice here. Abandon your friend or you both get screwed.

Apple Bloom: Ooh, I bet Diamond wasn't happy.

Harrison: No she was not. She pretty much assumes that Silver Spoon is going to stay with her since they are BFF. What happens is Silver thinks Apple Bloom is going to kill her and doesn't want to die, so she actually takes up that offer and walks out... though rather shakily. Diamond screams at Silver to come back but that doesn't happen. Silver Spoon hears Diamond Tiara scream outside the clubhouse where all this is happening, but she and the audience never know what happened to her. Diamond's fate is never revealed but Diamond's tiara crown thing is found by Fluttershy who puts two and two together.

Silver Spoon basically becomes obsessed with Apple Bloom... Calling her mistress, and warning them when Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy try to stop what is happening. When various ponies figure out what is happening, Apple Bloom uses her lawyer, Babs to get out of any situation... Sometimes with forged evidence. Babs, you are extremely gifted and always win the case no matter how flimsy. Pretty much you all are corrupted....

Twilight: How does it end?

Harrison: You... don't want to know

Twilight: That just makes me want to know more.

Dash: Yeah, telling somepony they don't want to know is the worst thing you can do.

Harrison: The bad guy wins. That is all I am saying.... No pony does die, but it isn't happy. That is all I am saying.... We wasted enough time on this topic... At least I answered what Babs will have as a Cutie Mark. Lawyer may not be good, but I picture her as one. But Scootaloo becomes the next Princess of Equestria.

Twilight: What happened to Celestia?

Harrison: You shouldn't ask that question, Twilight!

Dash: What happened to Celestia?

Harrison: Scootaloo tricks Celestia into attacking Twilight's friends and killing them. Celestia is able to work out that the Elements aren't themselves anymore. This is done without Twilight's knowledge and thinking Celestia killed her best friends in the entire world for no reason, attacks Celestia in turn. She is very powerful and retaliates on instinct. This turns out to be a drastic misunderstanding and Celestia dies due to the retaliation. To spite Twilight and Celestia even worse, they come back to life, still puppets of their former selves. Twilight in shock is sent into self-enforced exile, while Scootaloo takes the crown. Discord is released from his stony prison and the Crusaders finally have their cutie marks.

The supposed sequel begins with Twilight trying to take back the crown. Fluttershy and a Scootalooified Rainbow Dash are the only ones who are themselves. Dash, though just acts like Scootaloo. She is very worshipful toward the new princess. Twilight, in this sequel, has to gather an army and try to avenge Celestia and save Luna.

Twilight: Well.... that happened..... HEY, WAIT a minute, you said no pony died.

Harrison: By the machine.... the machine doesn't kill anypony. Scootaloo tricked you and I don't know if you noticed or anything, Twilight, but if stress gets to you, you kinda react without thinking. Seeing your friend's personality change  but not knowing why can't be very healthy and stress free.

Twilight: Oh

Scootaloo (jumps into the author's lap) NOW ME! DO ME!

Harrison: I don't think I should comment on the innuendo here.

Sweetie: (glare) That is a good decision

Harrison: Scootaloo, have you noticed how you have wicked moves....

Sweetie: (glare)

Harrison: On... your scooter. You got some height on some jumps and you even have good choreography for the rehearsal of the talent show.

Scootaloo: Choreowhatta

Dash: Choreography means that you know your moves

Rarity:  I was expecting Twilight to answer that question.

Dash: I live with Twilight. If you hang around Twilight for extended periods of time, you pick up meanings of words. Just because I am dumb doesn't mean I can't have my smart moments.

Twilight: (grinning) I am teaching her how to fetch books for me too

Dash: Hey, I am not a dog

Twilight: That wasn't what happened last night.

Dash: Except on your birthday... I am anything you want on your birthday.... Last year, I was a maid.

Scootaloo and Harrison: Mmm, I am liking this picture

Twilight: It was pretty good. I had her dust behind the bookshelves and clean up things that were.... dirty

Pinkie: OH DEAR CELESTIA!!!! THE IMAGE, IT IS IN MY BRAIN!!! (screams)

Harrison: (looks at non-existent watch) Wow, the time really is dragging on... We spent more time then I planned on that last question. We have time now for only one more question. I wanted to answer at least two more, but we are running short.

Twilight: Who is going to ask the last question?

Fluttershy: I want to ask a question... that is, if you think there is time for it.

Harrison: Yeah, we can have you ask. Everypony else was pretty rude about it earlier. (glares at the others)

Fluttershy: Oh I don't want to cause trouble...

Harrison: Nonsense, think of this as a way to make up for that rudeness. (glares at the others)

Fluttershy: Oh okay, what do you prefer more, Peanut Butter or Jelly?

Dash: That is a la...

Harrison: Good question Fluttershy. I used to prefer creamy peanut butter. I didn't really like jelly all that much and the brand used to be Smuckers.... not really the good stuff but there you go.... I did eat some Strawberry jam though.

Twilight: Hang on, you said that in past tense! What happened to make you not like creamy peanut butter... do you now like crunchy?

Harrison: (pause) That isn't a very happy story. I have no problems telling it, but it isn't a very happy one.

Fluttershy: Oh, is it really that bad... (whispers) sorry!

Harrison: It is in the past! This isn't a happy tale to tell, and this is supposed to be a comedy...

Pinkie: How can telling a story about how you lost interest in creamy peanut butter be that bad?

Twilight: PINKIE!!!! You know as well as I do that you never say those wor......

Harrison: Believe me it can Pinkie. For the story that answers that question happens at a kind of sleepaway camp.

Twilight: Is this a painful memory?

Harrison: It is in the past. I like telling the story anyway. Fucked up, but true.... Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Dash: I heard about this. You dropped hints about how camp was fucked up.

Harrison: This camp was called S.O.A.R, which stands for Success Orientated Achievement Realized.... basically it was a sort of alternative camp with a school setting. We would learn what you learn at school, but it was sort of to help in problem  area. Mine was math and homework help. I didn't like to do homework at the designated time and would usually do it at the last minute.

Scootaloo: Oh I know that feel.... I usually get the smart filly in class to help me with mine.

Sweetie: I am the smartest in ..... wait a minute, Scootaloo you give me your work! (glare)

Scootaloo: Only the best for my Sweets

Sweetie: Sometimes I really hate you Scoots. I stayed up to three in the morning once.

Scootaloo: I know! It was the after school special.

Rarity: Are you studying or getting to know one another on a deep and personal level?

Scootaloo and Sweetie: The second one!

Rarity: That was what I thought.

Harrison: This school/camp thing lasted 7 months...

Twilight: Wow that is rather long!

Fluttershy: Weren't you homesick?

Harrison: Yes it is and yes I was. But the whole thing didn't really last that long. The first session was 3 months. That was the best. I made friends and even became a hit with the crowd. I never was liked all that much before and to have people stick up for me and defend me was awesome!

Dash: Sounds good! Any stories?

Harrison: Not that I can remember. I was popular pretty much for the first time in my life. Once the three months were up, I came back home for a month's break, where I beat Banjo Tooie for the first time. That was cool.

Dash: I love that game. Luna and I play the multiplayer.... Fun times, fun times.

Twilight: Yes, but I still wonder what the fuck happened to Tootie. She isn't really in the sequel that much. Fucking writers pass off small details like that....

Harrison: January, I would head back to the same camp. I was hopeful that I would have a terrific time then too.

Fluttershy: How ominous.

Harrison: The kids this time were a bit off. I forget 2 or 3 names, but Conner I will never forget. Nick was another. Will I will NEVER forget. Conner said odd things at weird times. We think he said it for the attention but no one really knew. Some jokes were made that he was dropped as a baby.

Fluttershy: That sounds... just awful....

Harrison: It was horrible but sometimes kids can be cruel. He was nice and we were quick friends. Sometimes though we were prone to arguing. I would usually question him on his crazy comments, and he would insist that his point was valid. We got teased a lot for being a married couple. I am quick to shoot down that theory because I don't like teasing like that. Will and Kendrick were quick to jump on that.

Twilight: and Nick.... what was he like?

Harrison: Nick was a kid that suffered from Tourette Syndrome. He had small jerky movements usually involving grabbing his mouth and shaking. He became known for that. In many ways. Sometimes they would mimic him. He was the go to source for Nintendo Power, something he would sometimes let me read.

Dash: Luna has that magazine. Fun stuff!

Harrison: Once in awhile, he would get angry, usually involving the reward/punishment system

Dash: What the fuck is that? Sounds like something I do with Twilight.

Harrison: This camp has a reward system. We would sometimes get an allowance depending on the good behavior we did. We could pick out minor rewards for doing good things. We also got to choose the punishments. Sometimes we had to do 30 or so pullups, pushups or situps depending on what we chose.

Dash: That sounds lame.

Harrison: (laughing) It was... we couldn't curse or say blaspheme though this was in no way, shape or form a religious camp of any sort. Some people were though and they were being considerate. I can't really do pushups or anything so I was teased for it. I am not... a strong person by any means.

Twilight: Did they at least have to do it?

Harrison: Yeah, and that was what lead to Nick being angry one day. He really exploded one day. He reacted rather violently toward the camp councilors.. they sent him home a few days later.

Pinkie: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Harrison: With Nick gone and a constant source of entertainment, all my little problems were focused on. When around a group of boys for hours on end, we can get really perverted. Will and some other kid especially acted intensely. I remember one time, they got into a mock argument. They were slapping each other and called each other names. Then they suddenly start wrestling. This somehow led to one of them dry humping the other in a non real sexual way.

Dash: How does that happen? You either hump somepony to death or you kill the fucker.... There is no in between. They either did or didn't.

Harrison: They were playing around, but it was really surreal to watch. Point is, they started teasing me a lot more. Up to around this week or so, I have been and always will be a vegetarian.

Twilight: Wow, so you don't eat meat!

Harrison: Correct, I probably would be the only Human in Equestria that would thrive on the diet. Don't care much for the flowers and leafs, but I wouldn't go crazy or anything. Well, a little further down the week's progression, they started questioning why I was vegetarian.

Fluttershy: Meanies... that was your choice... They shouldn't have to bother you about it.

Harrison: I barely got any attention from them. Yes, I will admit here in this private unaired show, that I was and can be very annoying and that it wasn't completely innocent. I was having trouble with basic necessities and getting my act together. I was annoying like I said and they didn't like how I didn't pick up my end of the work.

Twilight: What.... What did they do?

Harrison: They made me a bet, saying that I would be really cool if I ate meat.

Pinkie: Tell me you didn't

Harrison: I ask you this, if you after hearing hurtful and negative comments on an almost constant basis, being the butt of every joke, getting talked about behind their back and getting told with a straight face about it later, will cause you to do anything for a good word?

Rarity: But you were a vegetarian, surely you weren't that desp.......

Harrison: I don't like that I caved into peer pressure to be something I am not. They weren't very nice. One kid was the worst out of all of them, but yes, for the remainder of the camp for the four long agonizing months, I ate meat. I am back on the no-meat diet, but for a few weeks after camp, I would alternate.

Applejack: What happened after that, if you don't mind?.... I can't help but notice the tone shift a little bit.

Harrison: I am numb to this.... I don't say this for attention or sympathy. Why should I keep this bottled up? Especially after what I did. I figured, as long as I don't come across as attention craving, I can state it. I don't want pity, sympathy or anything. I don't mind it, but I like telling the story for different reasons other then attention.

Twilight: So what happened once Nick left?

Harrison: Little things for awhile. Will would sometimes get fed up with how annoying I was and tell me that I was worthless and I wouldn't amount too much.

Fluttershy: (rage) That doesn't sound....

Harrison: He told me, pretty much every time I made eye contact that I am the worst one out of everyone there. Conner was better then I was and both of us were supposedly annoying. Every time I made small bets with people where they offered stuff, they would rip me off and lie. It wasn't anything really all that worthwhile mostly. Chores and candy were offered and forgotten about.

Twilight: HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE SMALL!?

Dash: That sounds like it was the worst.

Harrison: You don't know anything. I had some supporters, I was able to use their I pods sometimes.  (I have no idea why Will let me use his I pod. He seemed to hate me, but sometimes he would let me use it)

But this one kid, I think Kendrick was his name was the worst. He was the kind of kid that sucked up to Char a teacher there. Another teacher there was from Minnesota and we had a fun time poking fun of her accent. Anyway, occasionally he would put his hand on my leg and caress it a little. He would play slap me when I tried to squirm away. Sometimes hard too. He had no reasons to do this, maybe he did it for the reaction (there were many) maybe he had a thing for me.... That last one was rather doubtful. He HATED me. I can't see him doing that for the usual reasons. He probably did it because I would always react.

One day, I was in their room. Occasionally during the colder months, we would settle in this small cabin area. This is where we could build a fire if it got cold. This was one of MANY survival mechanics I sucked at. We had many different job titles. Little humorous titles that meant nothing.

Godzilla= Leader and Fire builder I hated this... I hated this sooooo much. They led the meetings that we sometimes had and basically did everything first.

Sherpa = Dishwasher and yet another one I didn't like. We would wash with soap, and dip the plastic plate things in bleach after.

Scribe: Exactly what it says on the tin... we would have him write shit down. He basically made the lists for the day. Basically, this was the Twilight of the group.

Twilight: Hey! The list is very sacred.

Dash: According to you, there is nothing that can't be categorized.

Twilight: That is because there isn't.

Dash: You don't take notes when we are doing it though (smug)

Twilight: I can't ! My wings are tied up at the time and what little magic I can use, ends up looking like I had a seizure during it.

Harrsion: I have a feeling I am forgetting a job title, but these were the ones I remember. Anyway, this camp had additional default punishments that several brave souls decided to do. Solo meals and Solo.

Dash: What the fuck is the difference?

Harrison: Solo was where you have time by yourself. Depending on how you fuck up, determines what happens. Solo can also mean being separated. You set up a tent a few feet away from the others and sleep by yourself or away from the others. Yes, even when it was cold out. Sometimes that person will sleep outside that cabin and not have a fire. It hasn't been freezing fucking cold out when it happened as this is in Wyoming, but it sometimes felt like it. I am sure if it ever became below freezing they would modify it somehow, but it never happened.

Solo meals is where you have a set pattern of meals for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner by yourself and away from the group. It was meant to be a punishment.

Breakfast: Oatmeal

Lunch: Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches

Dinner: Plain Rice

Twilight: So this leads into your question, right?

Harrison: Yes it does. I would get into trouble a lot and the group at the beginning of the 4 months picked a punishment of Solo meals. I can't remember what for, but I got this one a lot. I had this for a straight week once.

Twilight: Yikes!

Dash: Don't you learn?

Harrison: Yes and no.

Dash: Huh?

Harrison: This leads into it. With near constant negative criticism from the other kids, I sort of instinctively stopped doing what I was supposed to. I would be slow in the mornings, be the last one out of the cabin and fed last. Being told everyday that I was worthless got to me, but I don't think I did it consciously.

Twilight: This doesn't sound good.

Harrison: Like I said, I was in their room listening to the risque conversation they were having. I was just hanging out and enjoying the banter, it was one of the few times I was actually allowed to be around the group. They didn't seem to care. Well, maybe I wasn't supposed to laugh at the joke that they told.... Next thing I know, they are insulting me and Kendrick sort of runs over to me and insults me.

Rarity: That ruffian!

Harrison: He then insults my dick size and..... well he and Will sort of molest me..

(silence)

All: What!?

Harrison: They grab it and sort of ....

Twilight: Enough... I get the point.... but how the everlasting fuck did this happen?

Harrison: I have no idea, but when I try to squirm away, they begin throwing things at me.  I get hit in the head with a shoe and sent out of the room.

Applejack: Why!? Did the counselors do anything about this shit? This doesn't seem right!

Harrison: They told me that they didn't see it and to not exaggerate when I was clearly bothering them.

Twilight: Bullshit!..... you weren't bothering them were you?

Harrison: I remember only laughing.... Maybe they didn't like that.... I am starting to question if it happened. I remember getting stuff thrown at me though, but maybe I didn't get molested.... Does it make sense if I can't remember it after a while but think it happened?

(Silence)

Harrison: The teasing got worse after that. The slaps were getting harder, my few friends abandoned me and Conner would tease me to avoid getting bullied himself.

Babs: That seems kinda familiar.

Applejack: But this had to have gotten noticed. Are you telling me that you had no allies?

Harrison: John, the head counselor scared me. He would sometimes yell at me and make himself unapproachable. I was terrified of the guy every single time he rode up to the camp occasionally. We would sometimes go out and camp while doing school work, but I stopped doing some of the work. Not all the time and not every day.... I would thrive on the school sessions. John wasn't a bad guy, he just wanted me to pull my own weight. He was just terrifying.

Applejack: Why didn't you go to anyone?

Harrison: The two times I did, the counselors would blow me off. They said that it built character and it wasn't all that mean to begin with.

Dash: That's bullshit. I can understand ignoring them, but they were saying mean and hurtful things to you!

Harrison: I know Dash, I know. I stopped caring and hid it inside. I dealt with caresses on my cheek and leg (getting very close sometimes) and increasingly harder slaps. Finally, it reached the end of the 4 months. The kids just got meaner. Conner was excited. The day before his mom rode up to visit him and he was looking forward to seeing her. His mom is really nice and I think I befriended her on the final day. He was there during the first session and we had bonded.

The kids however weren't so nice, and they were laughing and 'joking' to Conner about the possibility of maybe coming across his mother's dead body on the way down that hill. They were laughing and teasing that we would come across her. The reason of the 'joke' was because the roads were really icy at the time and snow was everywhere.

Rarity: That was a joke!?

Harrison: Apparently! He started crying after awhile and they kept laughing.

Fluttershy: How horrible

Harrison: I kept getting felt up and slapped by Kendrick and I got increasingly mean comments directed toward me. Finally I started imagining, that maybe when I got back home, maybe I would do what they wanted me to do and kill my self.

(silence)

Harrison: Anything would have been better! The slaps hurt and I was in pain from the abuse I suffered but felt afraid to tell anybody about. I didn't though... not just because of the obvious or really any cliche bit here. I couldn't do it.... I was afraid and highly sensitive to pain. Dying really hurts and I don't want the agony before the nothing.

(silence)

Harrison: We told the parents what we learned and I smiled after awhile, glad that I was getting away from everybody.  I got a few numbers, but only one person tracked me down. Conner had to be tracked down but his mother was an ally and nudged him to do the right thing.

My time at camp is something I hint to people. I don't care anymore. For the first two months back, I didn't say anything. Afraid that nobody really would care. My mom and dad were supportive over the phone calls back, but I didn't say anything and dealt with the minor anger they had for me not behaving. I figured if the camp counselor didn't care and believe me, then my mom wouldn't either. I had a big freak out later and cried, but still, it was too late then.

John, the guy I was so scared of, felt like he had failed me because I was suffering and didn't tell anyone. The two counselors I have no idea what happened. There was a counselor there during the summer called Becky. She was awesome and made an effort to connect with me. She was how John found out.

Dash: You didn't really try to go through with the suicide did you?

Harrison: It got bad. On the happiest day of my life, I was still bullied horrifically. I became even worse socially (if that were possible) but I didn't think about it after that day. Why upset my parents over this? Yeah, it got bad and I had to deal with this on my own for 4 months.

Turns out the only reason I didn't was because I was a coward. Not very inspiring huh. But I am happy now and I don't really mind telling you all this.

Twilight: Good! Because that was fucking awful.

Harrison: Kinda shifted the tone here.... I hope it wasn't weird or anything.

Pinkie: To be like that is something nopony should have to go through. I know, I have been through that..

Dash: That was our fault Pinkie! We were being so fucking shifty, we should have known how you would take it.

Harrison: Well this makes the 2nd closer that is a bit of a buzz kill..

(A beat of wings is heard and a dark Alicorn appears out of nowhere

Luna: Did I miss anything?

Harrison: Tall tales and legends, but nothing much.

Twilight: Don't say it like that! Luna, you missed this entire episode and came out of fucking nowhere! I sent a letter to you and Celestia ages ago and you show up now!

Luna: Sorry, we have been busy. What did you all talk about and can I join in next time?

Dash: The Apples have really weird sexual tastes.

Luna: That is nothing new Dash. Everypony knows about that.

Dash: I didn't...

Rarity: I have to get going and rebuild my Boutique. I really hope nothing got hurt.

Sweetie: What about Opal, Rarity?

Rarity: That cat should be fine....  the cat is ALWAYS fine, it is my dresses that I am worried about.

Twilight: Dash and I will be going to Canterlot to have a gaming night with Luna here.

Harrison: What will you be playing?

Twilight, Dash and Luna: Super Smash Bros Melee!!!!!

Harrison: Fuck yeah! Who will be who.

Luna: Zelda

Dash: Link

Twilight: Ganondorf

Dash: I won the last three rounds bitches, this time we be betting real Bits this time!

Applejack: I have to take Babs and Apple Bloom back to Appleloosa now.

Harrison: Shouldn't there be some kind of time skip here?

Apple Bloom: (giggling) Plot device Harrison.... Plot device

Fluttershy: I can stay here for a little while!

Harrison: I would like that...

Scootaloo: Can I stay too?

Harrison: Yeah, but don't try anything! I can get into trouble this time if anything happens.

Scootaloo: What the hell does that me.....

Harrison: See you next time, fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Cue Credits*

Episode 2: Happy Tree Ponies (Lumpy Arc) Part 1

The following will contain strong language, sexual content, humor, and themes, some violent descriptions, and pony cuddling. Make sure you are okay with various ponies being held and humiliated before attempting to read this and future episodes. Ponies are made to be held and adored. I am not responsible if you flip your shit and find cuddling with an adorable little pony offensive. Loaded with D'awww so if you for some strange reason don't like that... well you might want to consult your local nuthouse... Seriously, this is the most feel orientated episode I have done. Extra warning for that. Hey, you never know... there could be people adverse to d'awww. You should thank me really!

Enjoy the Show anyway!

TV

MA

DLS

Special Guest Star: Derpy Hooves

(The scene is Twilight's Library. Everypony and myself are currently sitting in various chairs in a circle)

Harrison: Boy do I have a fun episode planned for all of you today.

Twilight: What exactly are we going to be accomplishing today?

Harrison: In my world, there is an internet cartoon about adorable little creatures having adventures. This series is called Happy Tree Friends. The show is really quite cute in a way.

Fluttershy: (perking up) That sounds kinda nice.

Harrison: Fluttershy, I am not so sure you should even be here for this. The episodes aren't as nice as you are expecting. The cuteness factor doesn't last long.

(As I am talking, the Crusaders, as well as Rainbow Dash, are having a small discussion. Dash is grinning and explaining something to Scootaloo.)

Rainbow: It is a totally awesome prank, Squirt. Just kick his chair and wait for him to crash to the ground. I made a deal with Pinkie to put a pie under the wood paneling, replacing it with a fake one. He totally won't be expecting it.

Scootaloo: I don't know, he seems to be a really big fan of me, it doesn't seem nice to kick over his chair for a prank.

Rainbow: This is a right of passage of becoming an adult, Squirt.

Scootaloo: (tilts her head in confusion) How does kicking over the chair of what, amounts to my biggest fan, count as a right of passage into a mare? I think you finally lost your shit Rainbow.

Rainbow: Yeah yeah whatever. Just do the damn prank and I will take you flying with me and Twilight later.

Scootaloo: Did we mention on this show that Twilight is an Alicorn?

Apple Bloom: Don't be such a baby Scoots. I can guarantee that he will take it well.

Sweetie: Do the prank Scootaloo and if you are a good sport about it, I will personally make it worth your while.

(Sweetie leans in real close, licking her lips a little and Scootaloo shivers slightly. She, as well as her poor victim are full on red)

Scootaloo: Do you know that you are evil Sweetie? (pause) Wait, what do you mean good sport about it? What the hell are you talking about?

(Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Rainbow Dash all struggle, rather terribly to hide laughter. Giggles still manage to escape from their confines.)

(Scootaloo glares at them in fierce suspicion. She doesn't appear to be aware of anything though)

Sweetie: (sultry voice) You know you want to Scoots. I can think of so many ways to repay you. You know that thing you always want me to do, but I have never done. Well I will add my horn to our little... practice sessions.

(Scootaloo shivers and both Rainbow and Scootaloo's wings snap outwards)

Rainbow: (grumbling) Dammit Sweetie Belle, you gave me a fucking wing boner.

Sweetie: (innocent look) Who me? I have no idea what you are talking about. (smiles wide, oozing innocence and smiles) I would never think of such a dirty thing.

Rainbow: (wince and grimaces) Damn, I don't think I can argue this.

Sweetie: No Rainbow, no you can not. (her smile widens) I am just an adorable little unicorn filly. I go to school, learn magic, and completely behave myself. (her smile droops slightly and her tone turns deadpan) Plus no pony will ever believe you.

Scootaloo: Alright, alright, just give me a moment to calm down. It will be fucking embarrassing if I try to prank him with a wing boner. It sends the wrong message.

(While Scootaloo attempts to calm down her... problem, the focus switches over to myself, explaining the show I plan for the girls)

Harrison: So each episode focuses on a solo or group of these little critters called the Happy Tree Friends as their days don't quite turn out so well. Though that is an understatement.

Twilight: Alright, where is it aired?

Harrison: It has a popular fan base on the internet, but it also had a spot on television as well. I just so happen to have my laptop with me due to a convenient plot point. Just give me a moment to boot this fucker up and you ladies will have the experience of a lifetime.

Pinkie: Isn't it already on though?

Harrison: Pinkie, just let me have my fun.

Rarity: Is this some sort of ruffian thing that is going to make me upset?

Harrison: You sound like my mother asking if this movie or this show is going to upset her. Don't do that, it's creepy.

Applejack: Well I just so happen to have free time from apple bucking, so I can waste a ton of time till I am called again to buck the living shit out of the trees.

Fluttershy: Well it sounds nice and relaxing so I might as well stay here and watch this show.

Harrison: (Sees Scootaloo sneak closer to the chair and grins..pretending to notice nothing) Well I will show you five episodes and introduce you to one of the greatest internet toons in my opinion. There is a list though, but this is one of them.

Twilight: Wonderful, and we are already properly organized!

(Scootaloo gets close)

Harrison: So, now that this computer is all set up, we can start..... hang on a sec ladies!

(I lean over suddenly and without warning, startling the almighty fuck out of Scootaloo. I grab her and hold her closely)

Harrison: Hi there Scootaloo, since you seem so eager to start you can be with me. My own little Scootaloo.

(She stares at me with confusion. She is no doubt wondering what just happened.)

Harrison: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I have Scootaloo in my arms and she will never get away. Think of the possibilities...

Scootaloo: You scare me.

Harrison: I scare myself sometimes too. Just stay right there and never leave, just don't piss on my leg.

(Rainbow, Sweetie, and Apple Bloom are in stitches, laughing silently and in hysterics.  AJ, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Rarity are looking confused, Twilight however looks rather annoyed.)

Harrison: Seriously though, this is a dream come true. This is the greatest moment in my life. Just, please don't pee on my leg. These are good pants and I don't want pony pee on my leg.

(This comment proceeds to make Rainbow actually wiggle around in her hysterical laughter. Tears are falling down her face and her stomach is heaving almost violently from trying to retain her air supply.)

Scootaloo: I am not a child. I haven't peed the bed since I was a foal. Don't pester me. (pause) Is it really such a big deal that I am here?

Harrison: (hugs Scootaloo) You are my favorite Crusader. You are even my Best Pony that people seem to have. (hugs and nuzzles Scootaloo) You are so soft. Why are Ponies so soft?

Scootaloo: Well... (again another pause) you really think I am all that special? I can't f....

Harrison: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE GO THERE!!! You are special because you still have yet to discover your special talent. I too have no fucking clue what to do with my life. You are so special Scootaloo.. (hugs her tighter) and you will stay with me till the episode is over. In fact I am going to cuddle all the ponies here at some point.

Anyway, each episode from this point onward, I will have a pony companion sit with me where I fidget with them or cuddle them. This is in a completely and 100 percent non-sexual way, so any of you that are in a loving relationship with slightly clingy partners, you don't have to worry about anything. Although if any of you have any accidents, or find yourself turned on, the privilege is revoked and I don't like you as much anymore. Control yourselves dammit!

Derpy: (Falling with style and lands suddenly scaring almost everypony there.) I hope I am not too late. I heard we were starting an independent show, and I just love those things. The drama, excitement, and all that stuff.

Harrison: Cool our first guest star. Glad you could make it Derpy. I was just explaining to everypony that I am holding free cuddle sessions to my favorite ponies or ponies who like that sort of thing.

Derpy: Well the post office allowed me to take a break, and I felt it was necessary to mingle among the masses. Wait, this isn't going to turn into an orgy later is it? I am not allowed to have those anymore.

(Silence.. There is no one or anypony that dares speak.)

Derpy: (continues on oblivious) Yes, I remember that day fondly. I sent 4 stallions and 4 mares to the hospital. They said something about really high stamina. So now I have to hump the pillow or steal some food to get off nowadays. Of course, my new room mate sometimes helps me out. (Her ears droop and her wall-eye actually proceeds to rip various hearts to shreds) I love my room mate so very much you know. If it wasn't for her, I would be so alone in my cold, lifeless house without Goldy there anymore. (she perks up again) So, what have I missed. Did any juicy secrets get revealed?

(Another round of silence, before Sweetie decides to break it)

Sweetie: What's an orgy? (she practically oozes innocence)

Derpy: It is when a mare, or sometimes a stallion decide that it is too boring to have fun with one another on their own, so they gather all their friends (or sometimes random strangers) and decide to really enjoy one another's company as a group.

Sweetie: Oh, so it's Tuesdays with Rarity and Applejack then? I was wondering why there were so many stallions and mares at the Boutique. I have never seen the place so crowded.

Derpy: Those were so much fun!

Rarity: (She is a violent shade of red) Let us never speak of this again.

Applejack: (equal shade of red) Agreed

Harrison: Let's just pretend we never heard that rather revealing tidbit about Derpy, Applejack or Rarity and just start the show already.

Derpy: Yay! You mean I can stay? Oh this makes me really happy. (she starts dancing with a very happy look on her face, but it is over before the image can be fully implanted) Wait, I must test your usefulness factor. What kind of muffins do you enjoy?

Harrison: I love Blueberry muffins! I have been known to hog them before my mom can even eat one.

Derpy: (her grin threatens to split her face apart) I think I love you mister! Everything is better with muffins.

Twilight: Right, well we need to move on. Harrison was going to show us Happy Tree Friends.

Derpy: REALLY!!? I love that show. Kinda sad sometimes, but the music when they are panicking is funny. My favorite is Nutty since a good deal of his shannaguns have actually happened to me before. Minus most of the outcomes of course. I actually got trapped under a vending machine once and had to eat about two-hundred bars of chocolate to be able to escape. Now I no longer like chocolate, as it brings back painful memories. Chocolate almost killed me and I hate it for that. On the lighter side, I developed a fetish for being trapped against my will. So the world is now looking up again. (finishes with a huge dopey grin)

Harrison: How is it that you are getting access to an earth show, Derpy?

Derpy: (smiling) I have no idea!

Pinkie: Derpy, how is it possible for you to see it? Even I haven't heard of it. This, coming from the mare who knows what Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory are. I am in this blind just as everypony else is.

Derpy: I just picked it up once on TV. Why, is that a bad thing?

Twilight: Do we even get any Earth stations?

Derpy: If this is something bad, I can get rid of it. The last thing I need is to be in trouble with the law again. I am now on a three strike policy and if I get in trouble next time, they take my muffin supply away.

Twilight: (sighs) No, Derpy, this is just a little strange. (beat) Wait, what do you mean about getting in trouble again?

Derpy: I don't want to talk about it.

Harrison: I just want to take a moment here, and say that these episodes contain violence and some of it is rather graphic. Some episodes are rather painful to watch. This isn't for everypony and I really don't want to upset any of you. Doesn't protect any of you from watching it though. (fidgets with Scootaloo's wings. After awhile I start petting her. I don't seem to notice it)

Scootaloo: This feels weird. (to the others) Let's start the show already. (Settles up close and gets herself comfortable.

(The others, especially Sweetie Belle, who is glaring at me, settle around the laptop. My desktop is shown with my background)

Dash and Scootaloo: Holy shit, that background!

Twilight: So this is what your computer looks like?

Harrison: Yep. I have all my important applications along with this background. I was really proud of myself for finding a background to showcase my favorite ponies. Do you know how fucking hard it is to find Jpg pictures of you ponies?

Dash: I approve of this. This make me look around 100% cooler than I already am.... And this isn't an easy task!

Scootaloo: I am hanging out with Dash. Oh wow, this is so awesome! Thanks for showing this! (hugs me)

(Sweetie's glare is increased and she drills her piercing gaze into the back of my skull, hoping it explodes. I take no notice, but Scootaloo does and realizes what it must look like.)

Scootaloo: You need to chill Sweetie! Why don't you join me up here? If you are going to be the clingy jealous pony, you might as well be here with me. After all, it isn't nearly as fun without you up here.

(Before Sweetie can gather enough of her brain power, she is dragged, somewhat roughly to stand awkwardly near Scootaloo. Being a light, fluffy little pony, she is, of course not heavy at all)

Harrison: Hello there Sweetie Belle. You picked a good time to join us. You are so cuuuutee, I think this means you get a cookie for no reason. (holds out a random, if ordinary cookie)

Sweetie: (lightening up) YAY!!! Free random cookies! (takes the offered treat, and noms on it, making happy noises)

Harrison: So cute!

Scootaloo: Hey, I want a random cookie too. You said I was your favorite. That means I get free shit too.

Harrison: You drive a hard bargain. Why don't you take this Blueberry muffin that I just had randomly?

Derpy: Muffins are the key to happiness. They literally make any and all problems go away. Random wars? Give the opposite side a muffin and watch the smiles form. Annoying co worker trying to kill you? Offer a muffin and he will be so happy and spare you. Trust me on this one. Muffins are the key to any problem, even world domination.

Twilight: What was that last one?

Derpy: I said, I built a really nice snowmare.

Twilight: Oh okay.

Derpy: Phew!

(I feel a brief moment of pain and a weight settle on my head. Turns out I have another visitor.)

Apple Bloom: You haven't forgotten about me have you?

Harrison: Are you kidding me!? I would be yelled at by my producer if I left you out.

Apple Bloom: (confused) What does that mean?

Harrison: It is a random shout out. Just try to ignore it.

Apple Bloom: Oh okay.

Twilight: I also notice what appear to be game folders. Luna should be happy as she just recently got involved in the gaming past time. Sometimes Dash and I go to the Castle and hold gaming nights with her. She has already developed quite a fondness for them and gained skill in just a few short months.

Harrison: All of these are games I actually enjoy. I used to be quite addicted to video games, so much so that I parodied (for lack of a better word) a drug trade at school. My parents were upset that I was irritable when I would play some games, and attempted to take away my Gameboy Advance. This one kid had a spare Gameboy and at this time, I actually had money. I bought it off him and when I got caught and they asked for the system, I ran into their room and hid the spare behind the bed, and then gave them the copy system for I had two. I later snuck in and got the spare.

Dash: You sneaky bastard. I like that.

Harrison: Coming from you Dash, I take that as a compliment. I also think that you deserve to be second on my little list for that compliment.

Dash: (nervous) What does that mean?

Harrison: (ominous tone) You'll see Dashie. You will totally see. (chuckles sinisterly, and starts to pet Scootaloo mane)

Dash: I don't like the sound of that. You know, you can be creepy sometimes. (looks at me petting Scootaloo as I am laughing my ass off) Like really fucking creepy.

Harrison: Anyway, I have the first episode set up. Last chance for any of you to bail.

Fluttershy: (raises her hoof) I actually have some very important laundry to do. If you don't mind, can I go and do it?

Harrison: A very excellent reason. While I think it over, why don't you eat this very delicious apple?

Fluttershy: (squeals lightly and trots over) Ohh, I like apples. This makes me so happy! (she nuzzles my hand and props herself somewhat closer to my chair and enjoys the distraction.... I mean meal)

Harrison: This first episode is called See You Later, Elevator.

Pinkie: Hey that sounds kind of like See you later, alligator!

Dash: Seriously Pinkie? It was a pun. Thanks for explaining the joke.

Pinkie: Your welcome!

Dash: (sigh) That wasn't the point Pinkie.

Derpy: I actually experienced something similar to this. Getting stuck in an elevator isn't fun. Pretty much the entire episode is what happened to me. I was in Lum.... I mean the passenger's hoof-steps here. Yep, that is what happened. (grins wide then she mutters to herself) At least those meanies deserved it when I did it to them! Nobody threatens my roommate and lives.

Harrison: This episode is actually kind of funny in a dark kind of way. One of the scenes in this episodes mirrors a scene from the horror movie Final Destination 2. Remember ponies, do not do ANY of these things. (glares at the Crusaders) This is dangerous shit, and I am not having you do any dangerous things like ANYBODY in the episode.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: Fine

Harrison: (Grabs the Crusaders and holds them close) Then enjoy this first episode ladies!

Youtube Video

(Several ponies are excited and can barely sit still. Fluttershy is nervous, picking up on the somewhat sinister sounding innocence. Dash and Twilight are holding one another and invading the other's personal space. Rarity, likewise is lying nearly upon Applejack, while Pinkie is oddly enough completely still except for the odd twitch of excitement. Derpy is hanging on me and giggling to herself. Once the show starts and the theme picks up, the first reaction is stated with complete seriousness)

Dash: That theme is really fucking annoying.

Twilight: Shhh, you are talking during the show.

(The storybook appears and again a rude interruption occurs)

Rarity: He doesn't look very reliable. My Applejack is ten times the hard worker that oaf is.

Applejack: Aww thanks sugar. But the show hasn't started yet, how can you tell so soon?

Rarity: How many hard, dedicated workers do you know that are named Lumpy?

Applejack: Fair point

Twilight: I like the alliteration. But the text seems a bit off.

Dash: You would notice that wouldn't you egghead?

Twilight: You bet!

Fluttershy: EVERYTHING IS SO CUUUUTTEEE. I can't believe I was worried about this. I bet everything is going to be just....

Harrison: Please don't finish that.

Fluttershy: But...

Harrison: It doesn't last long. I remember when I first saw this show.... just.. don't finish that sentence.

(The episode starts and Mime, Giggles, Cuddles, and Sniffles both get on an elevator. Handy tries getting there but the door closes rudely before he can get on. He isn't pleased about this)

Rarity: Those bastards, can't they see that he was there? He has no hooves and they just ignored him.

Applejack: That doesn't sound very neighborly of them.

Derpy: Yes, Handy doesn't get treated very well in the series. I am not just talking about the obvious here. They never explain what happened to his hooves, but in one episode they do give a very good possible way using another character.

Harrison: I love that episode. So romantic.

Twilight: Sniffles is the anteater, correct? Well I just adore him. He hasn't spoken or done much of anything yet but he just strikes me as somepony I would want to know. (swoons slightly for some reason)

Dash: Come on, is every egghead attracted to other eggheads like some kind of fucking beacon?

Derpy: Sniffles is indeed the smartest character in the entire show. He is one of my personal favorites. Episodes with him, generally don't end well...

Fluttershy: What exactly does that mean? I mean, they are okay... right?

Derpy and Harrison: Oh boy

(A father and his cub go up to the elevator and the father presses the call button. He has a pipe in hand and uses a match to lights it.)

Rarity: He shouldn't be smoking near a foal.

Derpy: Oh I hate that guy. Yeah, he is funny as all get out, but he just irks me so. He is so careless and a bad father to boot. Dinky always comes to mind when I think of that jerk. Makes me feel like a bad mother. He is called Pop and his son is Cub. Cub is cute in all, but Dinky is better then him. I should know. I still have my daughter and I haven't had any accidents with her for quite some time.

Fluttershy: So cute. Reminds me of Mr. Bear and Mr. Wobbles.

(After lighting said match, he carelessly tosses it behind him.)

Fluttershy: (gasps) Oh he littered. Somepony can seriously get hurt if they were to get set on fire. He should know better then to carelessly toss lit matches like that.

Derpy: Now you know why I hate him. Things are way too easy with him and they are always predictable. Every single freaken episode that he appears in, is predictable. At least the ones featuring him as a focus. Sometimes he just happens to be there.

(The match floats in the wind, but is quickly blown into a window. Toothy is hard at work working on what appears to be the next big novel or something. He laughs in relief for a bit before the match flies into the room)

Fluttershy: (eyes wide) Oh Mr. Beaver, get off your butt and hightail it out of there. You can be hurt.

Derpy and Harrison: Oh no!

(The beaver looks over at it and suddenly the room is engulfed in flames.)

Fluttershy: (sighing sadly) You should have actually made an effort to run. These things can happen. Now you are slowly and painfully burning to death.

Harrison: Well that reaction was unexpected.

Derpy: I thought for sure she would panic.

Dash: (laughing) He didn't even try. Poor Toothy.

Fluttershy: Mr. Beaver has a name?

Derpy: Yes, his name is Toothy and he isn't my favorite of the cast, but I do have one favorite episode he appeared in.

Harrison: Is it Eye Candy by any chance?

Derpy: (pleased surprise) Yes! How ever did you know?

Harrison: Cause that is one of my all time favorite episodes.

AJ: So this show focuses on this sort of thing?

Rarity: Tasteless comedy appealing to a low standard. But I have to admit, I find it rather amusing.

Dash: His screams please me greatly

(Everybody stops watching and turns to stare at Dash in alarm)

Dash: What!? It was funny.

Fluttershy: Burning to death is rather painful. I imagine he is in intense, emotional and extreme agony. The fact that fire boils the skin is even worse.

Harrison: Jesus Christ Fluttershy!

(The fire alarm logically is turned on and the pierce shrill runs throughout the building. The building, of course causes the elevator to stop working, trapping the heroes inside. They start to panic slightly)

Harrison: One of my personal fears is to be trapped in an elevator. I don't actually suffer for this or anything, but it is always in the back of my mind to be trapped in a crowded elevator.

Sweetie: This is actually kind of cool. The music matches the chaos onscreen. It is kinda horrible in a funny kind of way. This pleases me.

Scootaloo: Kinda boring with the lame death of fire though. I assume Toothy, or whoever the fuck he is, died. I want to see something more exciting than being burned to death.

Apple Bloom: I'm bored. I wish something exciting happens soon or I'm leaving

AJ: This is just silly. Shouldn't a fire pony be called to the scene?

(The next scene shows Lumpy being called to the scene. He is obviously the fireman called for duty)

AJ: Oh they are so fucked now. I don't like that guy.

Harrison and Derpy: (brohoof) This is going to be awesome.

(He runs up to the elevator and pushes the button)

Fluttershy: (upset) Oh you silly moose! You don't push the button when the building is on fire. Everypony knows this and you should feel bad that you didn't take that class.

Harrsion: That is the point. He is supposed to be stupid. That's pretty much all he is good for.

Fluttershy: Oh those poor animals. May Celestia pity those doomed creatures.

Harrison: Celestia can't save them now!

Derpy: Ooh, this next scene is my favorite!

(The fire short circuits the elevator causing various wires to spark dangerously. The elevator free falls with the hapless victims still inside. Lumpy is still waiting for the elevator. After about 5 seconds, he gives up and searches for the stair case. Finding one, he looks up and notices that the staircase is horrifyingly huge. He looks rather scared)

AJ: Lazy fucker probably never worked a fucken day in his life. I can easily gallop up those stairs and have those poor souls out in no time. I really don't like that moose and he makes me feel slow and useless.

Rarity: That is why I love you Applejack! You have a wonderful work ethic. (kisses Applejack on the cheek) I love you so much.

Dash: Is it me, or is this episode being really, really sappy?

Twilight: (nuzzles Dash's neck) I think it is just you, Dashie. That might be a problem. I might have to prescribe some vigorous workouts and a week of sex to cure you.

Dash: Shut up Twilight! (beat) Best medicine ever!

(The elevator stops on a random floor, and dings cheerfully. Mime, one of the lost souls on the evil elevator of doom notices that he is somehow alive, and recovers from the emotional turmoil of earlier. Sniffles, sensing his chance, runs cheerfully toward the exit)

Twilight: Yes Sniffles, run freely out of there. He might just make it!

(Instantly the doors slam shut, trapping him half way out of the elevator. His smile frozen)

Twilight and Fluttershy: He can still be alive!

(Cut to the inside of the elevator. One half of the anteater's body falls away. Half of his skull and internal organs steam in non-existent sunlight.

This proceeds to shock Twilight, Dash, Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack slightly at how gory it is. Derpy, myself, Fluttershy and the Crusaders however are calm. The reactions of those on the elevator mirror those shocked)

Fluttershy: I don't think elevator doors are that sharp. (split second pause) Hey, at least his face made it it off!

Scootaloo: Ooh look at the blood!

Apple Bloom: (laughing slightly) Gross

Sweetie: I have the strangest craving for spaghetti right now! (She nuzzles Scootaloo, half in relief, half in comfort)

Twilight: (in tears) Nooooo Sniffles! Why!? You were so close.

Dash: (comforting the distraught unicorn) It's okay Twilight. At least he is in a slightly better place now.

(Lumpy is straining on screen as if he ran a marathon. Cut to a revealing shot of Lumpy having climbed the first two steps)

All but AJ: (laughing hysterically)

AJ: (extremely angry) OH THAT FUCKER! HE MADE IT TWO FUCKING STEPS! I OUGHT TO BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT FUCKING MOOSE. HOW DARE HE MOCK HARD WORK AND LABOR. THE REST OF US WORK FOR A FUCKING LIVING. HE MAKES ME SICK!

Rarity: (nuzzling Applejack slightly) It's okay dear! Just calm down.

Derpy: I love that scene!

(The elevator stops and the doors open revealing the elevator is just below the floor with enough room for one of the characters to make it. Cuddles, this time decides to make a break for it. He furiously scrambles up the side of the floor, but when he is halfway out, the doors close and the elevator suddenly drops. His intestines stretch as his faint screaming can be heard. Twilight retches a little, but everypony else is fine.)

Fluttershy: Silver linings everywhere! Oh this is so much fun! Cuddles' face this time made it out. Sniffles and Cuddles were able to get some portions of their body parts out of that nasty elevator. Disappointing that it is a bit unrealistic. Intestines aren't that long and it should snap after awhile.

Harrison: Christ almighty, Fluttershy! That is really disturbing.

Dash: (laughing her ass off) Why can't I stop laughing?

Sweetie: I really need to eat some spaghetti after this. This is making me really hungry.

Apple Bloom: This is really sick. But I can't look away.

Harrison: Ahh, memories!

Derpy: I know, right? I remember the first episode I watched absolutely horrified me, but now I am desensitized to it.

Rarity: How are you holding up dear?

AJ: I am fine. This is pretty over the top, but I can see the appeal in it. Just, Lumpy really pisses me off.

Twilight: (slightly ill) I really don't know if I can stomach this. Nothing in my books has ever been this gory before.

Derpy and Harrison: (shit eating grins) It gets better!

(Lumpy finally seems to have made some progress and pants, hard. He soon vomits slightly off screen due to the strenuous (for him) activity.)

AJ: (Extremely smug) Yeah, you stupid motherfucker, you are suffering due to the burn of no exercise. Next time, try to pace your ass and maybe you won't utterly exhaust yourself.

Dash: Seriously AJ? The fucking moose is a piece of shit dumb ass. Why are you getting yourself so worked up over it?

AJ: I have no idea, really. I guess I just need to point out Lumpy's flaws to make myself feel better. He is so utterly incompetent, that he makes me feel lazy by comparison.

Rarity: You and lazy just don't mix dear! Try not to let it get to you.

(Lumpy hears several of the panicked victims... eh, heroes pound frantically on the elevator door. No doubt freaking out about two deaths they couldn't prevent. He gasps, and rushes off. He prepares his ax to chop the door down, but almost mockingly, they swing open, and Mime is left smiling dumbly for a few moments)

Fluttershy: Oh I wonder what could possibly happen now!? Move, you stupid deer!

Derpy: (whispers to me) I think Fluttershy is having too much fun commentating to realize she just insulted a somewhat living creature.

Harrison: (I nod) True! (To Fluttershy) Oh you are so good Fluttershy! Have another apple! (I throttle.. eh, cuddle with the adorable pegasus and strangely hear a small squeeing sound as I hand her an apple)

Fluttershy: (Squees... eventually breaking midway through Yay apple! (munches happily)

Derpy and Harrison: (brohoof)

(Lumpy swings at the exact moment at the temporary free Mime, and Lumpy rewards this creature with a swift, hard swing of the ax to the face, splitting it in half. Mime does not look very happy about this. His brain is visible briefly during this.)

Fluttershy: Oh come on! He had plenty of time to move out of the way! He deserved that!

Dash: (laughing) It's his own fault for standing there. He had plenty of time to move and the fucker didn't even move. Wasn't Giggles paying attention enough to have warned him to move his ass out of the way?

Derpy: About 95% of this show doesn't follow logic. Anything and everything can be used to kill them. Those of us with a screwed up sense of humor find it comically exaggerated. What you might do in this situation is almost always the opposite of what they do. One character in this show is the smartest when it comes to most of the problems that abound, but even she isn't immune to death.

AJ: That's kind of smart thinking there Derpy.

Derpy: Just because I am accident prone, have a wall-eye and currently on the Prince's hate list, doesn't mean I am not smart. Most ponies think I am stupid or silly. Let them! There aren't a lot of ponies who still share that opinion and are in a coherent enough state to argue with me.

Twilight: Again, what are you talking about? Which prince? What the hell is going on?

Derpy: (nonchalant) Prince Blueblood of course. He constantly trying to get me charged for treason. Not that it will do any good. So, every night I tie him up and dangle him out of the palace tied to his bed sheets.

Twilight:  That doesn't sound very nice Derpy. He is royalty!

Rarity and Derpy: He is not. He is a greedy, manipulating bastard that feeds off equine suffering.

Derpy: Plus he owes me two-hundred thousand bits. So he tries to get me charged for treason so he wouldn't pay it.

Scootaloo: (During this conversation she has made her perch on my shoulder. Her friend Apple Bloom is on my left, while Scootaloo is on my right. She looks near comatose with boredom) Why don't we finish this damned episode already? There are still another four to watch.

(Lumpy, horrified that he accidentally chopped somebody's face in half, pulls back from his swing. The doors rudely shut in front of him and the elevator continues it's goal of free fall and terrifying the lone survivor Giggles. Lumpy manages to open the elevator door and is greeted by Cuddles' intestines. Seeing no other option available, our heroic moose slides like a fireman down using the intestines.)

AJ: Can that be done? Can you slide down intestines like that? Is any of this shit possible to do?

Harrison: Would you like to find out AJ?

AJ: No thank you! I am fond of all my bodily organs, thanks. But thank you for the offer though. Maybe next time.

Twilight: (a little green, combined with some shivers from the imagined pain) This is making me sick.

Dash: (still in agony over her excessive laughter) I think I am going to die. This is just too funny. I have to stop laughing.

Sweetie: (groans) I am sooo hungry. I wish I ate a bigger meal. This is making me really hungry.

(Scootaloo, noticing the unicorn's pain jumps off my right shoulder and starts holding the unicorn. This seems to cheer up Sweetie slightly from her self induced starvation)

Scootaloo: Is there anything you want to eat? We have food if I am not mistaken. Harrison gave us several random snacks already.

Sweetie: (grins weakly) What I want to eat, I can't do in public. No, this is actual hunger pain, not libido. I want a meal, preferably noodles.

Harrison: Hey, no eating each other out while on my person. This is a cuddle fest, not THAT kind of entertainment. I told you to control your urges. Also I don't have instant noodles on me. All I have are a comically infinite supply of muffins, cookies, and apples.

Scootaloo: Damn! Well let's just finish this episode. It looks to be almost over.

(Giggles is crying. Whether or not it is because Mime, Cuddles, and Sniffles died is unknown. Logic would denote that it is a combination of sheer unadulterated terror combined with the emotional agony of seeing people die in front of you. She appears to have given up all hope of possibly escaping)

Pinkie: Hey! Stop with that depressing line of thought! That sounds really depressing don't you think? Maybe, I don't know make it happier?

Harrison: Who are you talking to Pinkie?

Pinkie: I don't know if that is ironic or what, so I will just ignore it. I give up trying to figure you out.

Harrison and Twilight: Oh no! The world is going to end. Pinkie is giving up on figuring out the strange and unexplained. We are so fucked!

(Giggles descent into sorrow is quickly interrupted as she hears a noise coming from above. Lumpy had arrived and was trying to unlatch the top portion of the elevator. Giggles cheers up considerably. Cut to outside, Lumpy is carrying a slightly charred, yet happily alive Giggles.)

Derpy: She kinda looks like she just had the best sex of her life. Her eyes are half-closed and she looks like she has an afterglow.

Harrison: Really? How would you explain the fire burn?

Derpy: There are really odd ponies in the world. How do you know that one would have a fire fetish?

Harrison: Oh dear fuck, that probably implies Lumpy was the one who did that!

Derpy: This has been a disturbing image brought to you in part by Dirty Minds Inc. Where we give you brain scarring imagery at the fraction of the cost.

AJ: I don't fucking believe it! How is it possible that he successfully saved her?

(Setting down the survivor, Lumpy quickly heads back into the rapidly burning building, possibly looking for more survivors. He also might just be that stupid and want to go back. That's always a possibility. Without warning, the building explodes and to Giggles' horror, bodies start raining down. True to what anyone would do, she starts to panic, but before she could do more than scream, the elevator that is somewhat responsible for all this crushes her. The elevator dings and Lumpy surprisingly exits carrying Cuddles. It's his lower and better half. He sets it down and starts to perform CPR on the intestine causing his stomach to swell. The closing iris starts to close just as Cuddles' stomach explodes. An eerie quiet settles over the ponies as the credits roll.

Moral of the Story? "There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs")

Harrison: So ladies, how was your first foray into the mindfuckery of Happy Tree Friends?

Twilight: Interesting. I absolutely loved it. I am broken up by Sniffles but it was intriguing just how ordinary objects can cause such mayhem. I love the morals. Makes me think of what I already do with Princess Celestia and the friendship reports.

Dash: It was fucking hysterical. I don't think I have seen anything more amusing in my life.

Rarity: I agree with Twilight. Ordinary, everyday items can cause the most gruesome accidents. I was expecting something awful with no redeeming qualities. Fortunately, that assessment isn't true.

Pinkie: It was funny, but in a not so funny way. Makes me kinda sad that I find amusement in suffering. I am not Cupcakes Pinkie, therefore I don't find pleasure in suffering. The animals were cute, if a little dumb about common sense.

AJ: Except for Lumpy's stupidity, and how he makes me feel lazy by association, I think this show is pretty darn alright considering it's subject.

Sweetie: It made me hungry! But I liked it anyway. The violence was a bit meh, but it was pretty funny.

Scootaloo: I think it was the funniest and greatest thing in the world. (sheepish) After Sweetie Belle and Rainbow Dash, of course.

Apple Bloom: I didn't think it had to be that violent to be amusing. But I think it was alright considering.

Fluttershy: I came into this episode thinking it would upset me since it pretty much deals in death. I found it silly and comical to the point of foolishness. The deaths were impossible to pull off and stupidity is pretty much what it runs off of.  I look forward to the next four.

Derpy: It isn't my favorite episode of the series, because of the elevator deaths that are similar to Final Destination 2. But it was a good refresher into the series. I haven't seen this in awhile.

Twilight: What's Final Destination 2?

Derpy and Harrison: A horror movie that kinda sucks!

Twilight: (rolls her eyes) That tells me nothing about it.

Derpy: These humans survive a violent tragedy thanks to a premonition one of them gets and ultimately advert that tragedy. Then they realize that Death wants them dead, and the survivors end up dying one by one. There have never been survivors in any of the movies, and if it appears that there are, then the next one quickly disproves of that. I have seen better movies over the years.

Twilight: It seems to be a human movie.... how are you getting that here though? I didn't think our reception picked up things like that.

Derpy: We don't... that is why I was worried about it being a problem. The last thing I need is the government involved. Anyway, what's next on our schedule?

Harrison: This episode is yet another Lumpy episode...

AJ: Oh great! Please tell me he is improved a little from the last one.

Harrison: Nope! He is just as stupid here as the last one. It introduces some new and old characters including my personal favorite character in the entire series. Flaky! Who Fluttershy should take an immediate liking to as they both share MANY similarities. I think Flaky, given the context of the show is the most like Fluttershy. Shy, somewhat cowardly (no offense Fluttershy) and not nearly as brave. But if the circumstances call for it, she can be quite brave. Doesn't protect her though, but I still root for her.

Fluttershy: Oh goody!

Twilight: Is Sniffles in this episode?

Harrison: Surprisingly yes. I picked it because of Flaky... but Lumpy is a central character.

Derpy: Well don't leave us in suspense man! What is the episode called?

Harrison: It is a technical two-parter called Wrong Side of the Tracks.

Derpy: Right on! I love that episode!

Rarity: Can we take a break though? We have been sitting here for several hours and I would like to take care of a few things.

Dash: I could go a few more hours, but I really need to pee! I have to go flying as well so we might as well say I need to take a break too.

Twilight: I hope you won't take too long. There is still so much I would like to do to you!

Dash: There is that... just don't prescribe anything that isn't cool or tastes weird.

Twilight: (smirk) Don't worry. What I have in mind can cause addictions if not dosed out by a proper medical professional. It should be your favorite Dashie.

AJ: The farming needs to be done as well. I have to kick the shit out of something to get all this pent up energy out of my system.

Harrison: All right, all right, you don't all have to provide excuses. Just go and do your various errands. I will just stay here.

Derpy: I have nothing that I need to get done. At least for a little while. Can I stay too? I am really into just what kind of games you have. Seems you have something called Cave Derpy. Sounds intriguing.

Scootaloo: I don't want to leave either! Plus, I kinda want to be held right now.

Sweetie: Scoots, I can do that for you. You don't need him to get you off.

Harrison: If you two can stop acting like a married couple for five minutes, I will play something for you two. I love you both, but you got to stop arguing. Last thing I need on my conscious is to be the one responsible for Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle breaking up.

Derpy: My roomie isn't expecting me back for quite awhile. She has a break from tour right now and knows that I wanted to participate in the show. You guys are alright. Why don't you play Cave Derpy as that sounds kind of fun.

(It is at this point, that we realize Fluttershy is still in the room. She has a calm smile on her face as she apparently had been waiting for a pause in the conversation. She trots over and puts her hooves in my lap)

Fluttershy: If it isn't too much trouble, and you aren't busy... Can I please have some more apples?

To Be Continued...

*Cue My Little Pony Credits theme*

Interlude: Giving the Girls the Bad News

(I am waiting with Derpy in Twilight's Library for the girls. Something big is going on and everypony needs to be together.)

Harrison: Are you sure this is going to go well Ditz? I know how well everypony was enjoying this format and I don't want everypony to be upset.

Derpy: It will be fine dude. It isn't like you are canceling the show after all, real life has gotten in the way and various games, so you can't be involved in the former format as much as you used to. Just trust in them dude.

Harrison: But what if they really liked the Happy Tree Friends format? The last episode is pretty much all they are getting.

Derpy: Just relax and stop worrying. That is why I am here dude. To make sure you don't do something stupid and end up killing us all.

Harrison: Hey, I am not Twilight. I do not get so bent out of shape every time something doesn't work out the way I want it to.

Derpy: Then what does happen?

Harrison: Mostly I just end up worrying about it!

Derpy: That's it?

Harrison: Depends on how bad it is.

Derpy: Anyway, you are supposed to tell them what came up and which direction the show will now head in. I can assure they aren't going to start a mob. They aren't the type to resort to mob mentality.

Dash: (Entering the room) Oooh, a mob, where are we going and who are we running out of town.

Twilight: Dash! I will not have the love of my life involved in joining a mob to run a hapless pony out of town.

Dash: Oh come on Twilight! It isn't like I am going to go after somepony innocent. I am just saying....

Twilight: No! Besides, it isn't join a mob month!

Applejack: It sure has been a long time sugercube, what took so long to get us together?

Harrison: I have been busy. I plan on having a few new guests on the show.

Fluttershy: I have been looking forward to the next episode of that wonderful show we saw last time. It feels like it has been ages since we have been together.

Scootaloo: Yeah, the party has arrived now that I am here.

Sweetie Belle: Scootaloo, don't be like that. We were called here to do the rest of the show we were promised. It really has been a long time since the last one.

Harrison: Listen I have to tell you girls something

Rarity: What ever could it be darling?

Twilight: My notes of the last episode tell me that we were about to start Wrong Side of the Tracks.

Derpy: Oh good luck dude that makes things harder to explain

Harrison: (To Derpy) That isn't helping Ditzy

Derpy: Oh I know! It makes things a lot more fun that way if I be as little as helpful as possible.

(Scootaloo catches on to what I am telling Derpy and frowns)

Scootaloo: Sis, what is Harrison talking about when you say he is trying to tell us something?

Harrison: Well you see....

Dash: Whoa, whoa, woah, wait a minute. Slow the fuck down there! Scootaloo, what do you mean by this, I thought I was your sister.

Scootaloo: You're my honorary sister. I look up to you so bad that to be the younger sister of The Rainbow Dash would cause my heart to explode from the sheer awesomeness of that fact. But Ditzy, she is my real older sister.

(Silence all around. Only Derpy, myself and obviously Scootaloo are the only ones looking like this news isn't shocking. That isn't to say everypony else is looking as if their brains have exploded.)

Scootaloo: Not a lot of ponies know that we are related. Ditz has adopted Dinky and became a secondary mother to me. She also is dating Tr.... I mean the movie actress Elvira.

Rarity: Wait a minute there darling! You mean THE movie actress Elvira. The one who pretty much wins The Equestria Movie Award in every movie she is in. The one who is simply the epitome of every fashion magazine known to pony kind.

Dash: She was awesome in Brokeback Mare!

Twilight: You just liked it because of all the lesbian sex.

Dash: Shut it Twilight, I did not.

Twilight: What was the main character's name?

Dash: uhhhhhh, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle

Twilight: (Facehoofs) That was the title of our roleplay Dash. But no, that wasn't it

Fluttershy: She donates seventy percent of her earnings to help out a needy organization. I read in an interview once that she is making amends for some ponies that she wronged and her life wasn't always the glamorous one that she has now.

Derpy: Yeah she is pretty awesome, but that isn't the point, much as I wish it was. Harrison had something to tell all of you. Something really important.

Harrison: Once again Ditz, you are just oodles of helpfulness

Pinkie: I love that word. Oodles is so much fun to say.

Harrison: No more interruptions please. I have something very important to say and it concerns the show.

(The others finally catch on to my serious tone and stop their chatter)

Twilight: Please tell me you aren't thinking of doing what I think you are doing.

Dash: What could he possibly do that is so bad?

Pinkie: He could snap and totally kill and harvest us to where we are just barely alive.

(We all stare at Pinkie in shock)

Harrison: (Picks up Scootaloo and grabs Dash from nearby. Dash struggles visibly but relaxes slightly) I can't harvest any of you. Not only because I don't have any equipment, but I hate getting messy. I love all of you and wouldn't want to do anything to any of you. (Pets Dash and Scoots rapidly... both of whom seem to like the treatment. The latter of whom seem the more reluctant.)

Applejack: Sugercube, I like how you aren't planning on killing us, but that still doesn't explain this supposed bad news about the show.

Twilight: Oh my, you aren't getting cancelled are you.

Dash: What!? We're cancelled? This isn't good. I thought I was funny. I can change! Those jokes I did in public, I didn't do them.

Rarity: This sucks darling! Out of all the worst possible things, this is THE.WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!

Scootaloo: (Turns to look at me in horror and sadness. She is crying and she sniffles) I thought you loved me. Now you are getting canceled and we will never see each other again

(Fluttershy is too busy crying to come up with a response. She is comforted by Pinkie Pie who is cradling her whispering sweet nothings to try and calm the timid Pegasus down.)

(Derpy is laughing her ass off and being completely unhelpful to the situation I am in. As I am confronted by mostly unhappy ponies of the news I didn't want to share, I struggle on what to do.)

Derpy: Why is it that you are so quick to overreact! Oh wow you ponies sure are negative.

Scootaloo: (Grabbing me as if that is to protect from some giant hand descending down and taking me away from doing the show. She has a somewhat fierce look on her face) What do you mean by that Ditz? Are you telling me that this isn't bad news?

Derpy: (Wiping a tear out of her face, still chucking) I didn't say it was bad news completely, but it isn't all that happy. Some happiness is still mixed in. Hey, as long as you aren't cancelled we can still move on right? So stop focusing on the downers and wait to see what he has to say before going around like we are about to die.

Twilight: (relaxing slightly) Okay, so what was this news!

Harrison: Thanks Ditz! No we aren't getting cancelled. The reason for this delay is mostly because taking the time to work on this and all my other projects, combined with various video games keeping me sidetracked, I just don't want to work on anything. Video games are a lot more fun than taking the time to write. The last episode of the show as well as that particular arc of the story was where we all watch Happy Tree Friends episodes. I haven't watched a lot of that show during my hiatus and to be honest, I am not as into that anymore.

Twilight: I am bummed we won't be watching any of the show especially as there were still apparently episodes that we had to watch. But at least we aren't cancelled and to me that is still good news. This is so much fun.

Harrison: Instead of that, I will be moving several things around. The next "episode' will instead focus on what I wanted to introduce later, a video game arc.

Dash: Awesome! What games?

Harrison: I can't say right now, as this technically isn't canon. This instead proves that I am indeed capable of writing. This is only an interlude. I will say this though. I hosted a contest in-between episodes, trying to determine who will be the next cuddle guest. I hosted a theoretical murder contest trying to determine which one of you would carry out the best murder.

Scootaloo: That sounds awesome! So who won!

Dash: I remember that! I learned that my friends have a fucked up mindset.

Rarity: It isn't like we are going out to do it. But, again, I must express my curiosity on who won as well.

Harrison: I asked my producer to judge fairly and they announced that Applejack was the winner. She had... an entertaining murder idea. So the next episode, I get to cuddle... you AJ.

Dash: (Grumbles in a low voice nopony can hear) Fuck!

Applejack: This is going to be interesting!

Rarity: Don't touch anything inappropriate now, okay Darling. I would hate to have to do anything... unfortunate to you. The show really will be cancelled if that happened.

Harrison: Don't worry, I won't. I hope the next episode won't take nearly as long as last time. I have a pretty good idea what will happen and what games we will play for the next few sessions.

Derpy: Is that all?

Harrison: I am afraid so.

Dash: But we hardly had any revelations in this episode.

Harrison: This is because it is an interlude Dash. It isn't technically canon. Okay, now that I have said everything I needed to say, I will end here.

Derpy: By the way, everypony, Elvira will be visiting in a few days. Her schedule is freed up and she would like to visit Ponyville again.... I mean she would like to visit.

Harrison and Everypony else: Wait, WHAT!!!!

*Cue My Little Pony credits Theme*

Episode 3: On the Way to the Castle

Warning: This chapter features language that isn't meant for small children or young foals, whichever you prefer. By reading this chapter, you agree to pay me $5000 should you ignore this warning and decide to get upset anyway. Nothing all that bad happens, but I don't know your limits. This features content not seen in the show before and features a newer and more obvious storyline. Anyway, fuck the warning, I am not going to hold your hand anymore and you shouldn't expect the internet to cater to your whims. Unless you are ordering a fuck buddy online or purchasing some shoes, you shouldn't expect explicit hand holding. Fuck you I'm done!!!!

Enjoy the show!!!

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MA

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(Twilight is standing in front of the group reading a scroll. AJ is leaning on me with her back on the ground, with her hat being held by yours truly. The both of us look rather comfortable and try our damnedest to not look as if we are enjoying ourselves. It isn't going over so well and we still slip up.... it happens)

Twilight: Okay, Celestia basically sent us a letter inviting the lot of us to the castle. Since Harrison is with us and we aren't catering to the whims of a typical HIE, she has agreed to privately transport us to the castle.

Dash: So what does that entail exactly?

Twilight: Normally, we have to take the train because our ruler doesn't extend special privileges to everypony, but sometimes she extends some special favor when the situation calls for it.

Rarity: That holds some appeal, so how long is the train exactly?

Scootaloo: Does it really matter? It isn't like time is going to pass normally or anything!

Pinkie: Yeah the power of the plot will allow important information to pass, and then an event skip will happen!

Harrison: (To AJ) Is it me or are we breaking the 4th wall more than usual today?

Derpy: I think it is just you! Dinky and her little friend Button are meeting us at the Castle. Ellie is dropping them off at the castle before heading into work.

Dash: Who's Ellie?

Derpy: My marefriend Elvera. Dash I only just told you this not to long ago.

Dash: What? I don't remember this!

Twilight: That's because you don't remember anything other than sex, the Wonderbolts, or Daring Do!

Dash: Who are you again?

Twilight: (Facehooves) Not funny!

Fluttershy: So exactly what are we going to do once we are at the castle.

Harrison: From what I can remember, I think we are going to play video games. This should be interesting. What are video games like in Equestria?

Pinkie: Dammit Harrison, you should already know. This is your story!

Harrison: (Leans in closer to AJ) I love doing that to her. The way she freaks out if I conveniently forget my own plotlines. Figures somepony like her to freak out if the fourth wall is not known.

AJ: (Gets herself comfortable and leans against my shoulder) You shouldn't tease her though, Suger, It isn't nice.

Twilight: To answer your question, video games are quite a bit different based on what you told me...

Pinkie: When did this happen? I don't remember that particular exposition.

Twilight: It was done earlier today as a matter of fact (smiles cheerfully) You probably weren't paying attention.

Pinkie: Argh!!!!!!!!!

(Everypony giggles at Pinkie, but the party pony doesn't focus too much on the laughter and instead goes off to ponder what happened)

(Finally, the train arrives. No visible driver, but we don't dwell on it for long. Once we all arrive, we get a surprise in store for all once we get on the train)

Princess Luna: Hello subjects! Is this seat taken?

Twilight: What are you doing here!? I didn't know you would be showing up, and if I did, I would have made preparations to...

Luna: Relax Twilight Sparkle. We are just escorting everypony up to the castle. This is a social visit!

(Twilight relaxes significantly, but the confusion still gets to her)

(After the bumpy introductions, the train starts and we are finally on our way to the castle. Twilight, Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie decide to sit in a separate compartment, while myself, Luna, AJ, Scootaloo, Derpy, and Rarity take the last one)

Harrison: Where are Sweetie and Apple Bloom, all I see here is Scootaloo.

Scootaloo: What's wrong with just me?

Harrison: Nothing, but you usually aren't alone for long. You three are always together.

Scootaloo: Normally we are, but Apple Bloom had chores back at the farm and couldn't make this first visit up to the castle.

Rarity: Sweetie Belle is traveling with Button and will meet us there. We will all be united soon! Video games are different for various house holds. Some of us can afford the newer consoles and some are the standard consoles that appear in your world. Only few ponies are able to afford the absolute newest console.

Derpy: I am probably an exception to the rule as my services do give me a lot of money to get around. Dinky was able to get a copy of the newest console similar to the castle.

Rarity: Forgive me dear, but I still don't know what it is you do.

Luna: That is classified information I'm afraid.

Rarity: Drat, I was hoping to know more about what it is that you do.

Derpy: You will eventually, but not now.

Harrsion: (Smug) I know!

Derpy and Luna: You don't count!

Scootaloo: I also know!

Luna: You only know because of Cutie Mark Crusader Eavesdroppers! I caught you five minutes in because you failed in stealth due to intense and loud whispering. Solid Snake you are not!

AJ: So a few days ago, you told us that you and Derpy are related. How exactly does that work out? I never saw her at Parent Teacher night. Where are your parents?

Derpy: Mom and Dad are pretty busy. They are both teachers. While they try to make time for us, grading papers and extra tutoring is keeping them occupied. They do make an extra effort for Hearths Warming, Birthdays or Nightmare Night. For the most part I have taken to raising Scootaloo. Combined with Dinky and my rounds as a mailmare and whatever it is I do with Luna, I am a pretty busy mare.

Scootaloo: Ponies make fun of Ditz because she is occasionally clumsy and has a reputation among the mail ponies. I don't like it when my BSBFF is teased.

(Blank silence at what Scootaloo just said)

Scootaloo: My Big Sister Best Friend Forever! Honestly, I think you should be aware of that as Twilight has something similar with her big brother.

Rarity: Well, now I feel rather silly when you put it that way.

AJ: Sugercube, your shoulder is starting to get uncomfortable!

Harrison: What do you want me to do about it?

AJ: Mostly, you are supposed to cuddle me. While I like leaning against you, you are supposed to put your arms around me.

(Rarity isn't pleased with this option too much, but disguises her jealously by a small cough)

(I don't move, somewhat nervous about the whole thing)

AJ: Come now Suger, I don't bite. Unless you want me to in which case I am more than happy to give you a nibble.

(This sends both me and Rarity into violent coughing fits. While Applejack and Scootaloo look like they are going to collapse from the sheer "hilarity" of it all. Derpy and Luna shake their heads with small looks of amusement on their faces)

AJ: Oh that was rich, I can see why Dash likes this pranking business. I love the look on both of your faces.

Rarity: Not funny! I will be getting you back later dear.

Harrison: I can't believe you did that!

AJ: I know, you are just too easy!

Harrison: You do realize I will be getting you back, right?

AJ: I would expect it!

Harrison: Starting now!

AJ: Wait what?

(I reach over and grab the startled Earth Pony and lean back against the wall. I trap her in my arms and restrain her. I know I can't fully keep her restrained, but she doesn't make a move to. She doesn't look angry but calm)

AJ: I can get used to this.

Harrison: You are so soft, why is it that ponies are soft?

AJ: Don't know, but suddenly I find myself rather tired. Is this spot taken?

Harrison: It's all yours

(AJ and I drift off to sleep cuddled in each others arms. Hooves obviously in the case of AJ grabbing me, but that small fact doesn't matter. For the rest of the train ride, we each have our activity for the rest of the train ride planned out)

Rarity: They look adorable together! If I wasn't already hooves deep in love with AJ, I would share.

Derpy: I wonder if he has a marefriend of his own. He doesn't ship himself with any of us so I can't tell for sure.

Luna: I watch his dreams. He may not be a part of Equestria like the rest of us, but his dreams are confusing to say the least.

Rarity: What does that mean exactly?

Luna: Dreams of friendship lost, from a childhood friend that he hasn't seen since he was fourteen are just the tip of the iceberg. He also is lonely, but I have a feeling that he doesn't want to dwell on that.

Rarity: How are you able to dreamwalk from that far away. We don't even exist! Dammit I hate how I can suddenly see this fourth wall shit that Pinkie sees. I have learned various things that I wouldn't ordinarily want to know.

Luna: We will soon reach the castle, we will wake AJ and Harrison when the time comes to depart. For now let us try to keep ourselves entertained.

(Four Hours Later)

Twilight: Oh wow, we are almost at the castle!

Pinkie: What did I tell you? We will event skip when a certain amount of information passed.

Twilight: Nopony doubted you Pinkie.

(Their voices are heard and soon they arrive near our carriage. As the newcomers approach the car we are in, they are greeted by Derpy. She has a huge, shit eating grin on her face. She is accompanied by Scootaloo who is perched atop her head, equal grin on her face

Derpy: You have to see this! It is so precious!

Twilight: What!?!? Stop teasing and tell me already!

Scootaloo: AJ and Harrison are spooning one another!

(From inside a muffled sob is heard. Twilight's and Rainbow Dash's eyes bulge)

Dash: (Somewhat angry) Why!? How!? (Than in a low voice nopony can hear) Why isn't he doing that to me?

Twilight: Did you say something Dash?

Dash: No I didn't. You need to get your hearing checked out. I didn't say anything!

Derpy: (Focusing her grin on Dash) You definitely said something. What did Dashie say!?

Dash: I said absolutely nothing. I would appreciate it if you would drop this subject now!

Derpy: I haven't seen you this flustered since you foalsat for Scoots and I as foals! I saw this side of you before. Dashie has a cru....

Dash: Shut it! Don't you dare say that! I don't have a crush. Ponies like me don't get crushes! He may worship the ground I walk on and think I am awesome and sleep with a stuffed animal version of me, but I don't like him. He doesn't interest me. Now fuck off and let me see what he and AJ are doing!

Twilight: Keep telling yourself that Dash! The more you deny something, the more it's the opposite of what you claim.

Derpy: Isn't she precious, the way she believes we believe she is telling the truth. Our little Dashie has grown up so much since the little squirt I saw her as when she was trying to raise money to join flight camp.

Pinkie: Guys, just drop it. We can all give Dashie a hard time for her Tsundere tendencies later. For now, lets see some cuddles.

(The ponies gather into the car and see a sight that will always be etched into their minds forever. AJ is wrapped tightly in my arms and both of us have a cover over us. Where the cover came from is irreverent. AJ has one of her hooves wrapped on mine and we are sleeping away. Derpy, Twilight and Scootaloo are sent into giggle overload, while Dash looks heartbroken. Her ears lie back and she looks miserable. However, to avoid being teased, she struggles to throw on a neutral expression

Luna: They were sleeping and suddenly AJ leans up against him and he grabs her. Surprisingly, she didn't wake up because of this, but I feel like somepony is a cuddler and I am not looking at AJ here. I didn't have the heart to wake them. Rarity has been fine for the most part about AJ being spooned by another rather than her, but she hasn't fully endorsed it either. She keeps sending jealous looks at them. I think she has been feeling rather left out.

Dash: I can relate

Twilight (Grinning) What was that Dashie? Did you say something?

Dash: I said absolutely nothing. I am not jealous, I just expected to be second was all. I am definitly not thinking of murdering AJ to get to Harrison. Nope, no way! I am so very fine.

Rarity: You better not carry those plans out dear. I would hate to have to resort to dramatic measures if you did anything to AJ.

Dash: I am fine! How long till we get to the castle?

Luna: We are actually at the castle right now! I haven't had the heart to wake them up. We are waiting for them to wake up naturally. However long that may be doesn't matter.

(Dash leaves the room, not wanting to be anywhere near there, while the ponies that don't care are naturally waiting. Turns out that time isn't long)

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(This is optional music that you can listen to during this moment. It was what I was using to write this scene. It fits... trust me on this. This won't be the first time I share music with so you might as well get used to this and click on that above video!)

Harrison: (Stretching) Morning! How long was I out? (Notices AJ) Whoa, how did you get there?

AJ: I don't know? Where am I?

Harrison: You were in my arms!

AJ: I was?

Luna: (This time she struggles not to laugh) Yes, and you were huddled up so close and he had you in his arms. It was really quite adorable.

Harrison: Oh...

AJ: My

Harrison: This

AJ: Isn't

Harrison: Good. I didn't want to have a standard HIE plot-line. Dammit!

AJ: And what is wrong! You weren't making a fuss when it was happening.

Harrison: Neither did you! This has never happened to me before.

AJ: I don't know whether that is profoundly sad or irritating, so I will just not comment on it.

Harrison: Did, ah, anything happen?

AJ: You mean... did we, ah (blush) did we do anything naughty?

Harrison: I wouldn't exactly use those words. (Blush) but yeah!

AJ: I don't feel anything abnormal, so I think we are okay. I do admit that it was nice to be held and secured. I felt safe.

(Rarity can be heard coughing and she is glaring at AJ and myself. I also notice that Dash is nowhere to be seen)

Harrison: Where is Rainbow Dash? She isn't here with her charming personality.

Twilight: She decided to go on ahead. We actually arrived at the castle not too long ago, but we didn't want to wake you up. So we decided to wait for you to wake up.

Harrison: I thank you, but what would have happened if that had been a few more hours?

Twilight: I don't know! We might not have thought that part through.

Harrison: Well, why don't we go on and start this plotline already? I doubt everyone wanted a few dozen paragraphs of shit like this to read.

(The walk to the castle is fairly uneventful. AJ is near me at all times, with Rarity not too far behind. Dash is still nowhere to bee seen. This is somewhat worrying. Scootaloo made a perch on my head seeing as how, according to her, she is most comfortable there. Luna is giving an odd, thoughtful look, but refuses to elaborate. Despite the embarrassment of waking up to find you are spooning a pony, the embarrassment quickly fades. Dash's presence is still missed as her constant wisecracks provide countless amounts of entertainment. Twilight's look of concern does not go unnoticed by either me or AJ, but there isn't much we could get out of her when we asked her)

Luna: We have finally arrived! Let me go tell Tia we have arrived and then we will show you where we will be playing games. I think Button and Dinky will also be somewhere around her. Since this is a secret entrance of sorts, we won't have to worry about the guards. Normally this is a problem, but for now let's not dwell on this.

(We follow Luna down various corridors. I am still saddened that Dash isn't anywhere to be seen. Now, the worrying sets in. Was it something I did? I may never know. AJ too looks a little concerned, but our worry pales compared to what Twilight must be feeling )

(After awhile, Luna finally stops outside a grand room. The doors are huge and I feel dwarfed by them. I can't help but feel as if I don't belong here, as if my presence tarnishes the somewhat sacred nature of the area. Our hoof/footsteps echo all over us. We are almost to the main room when a shout echos across the room. I look around anxiously hoping it would be Dash, but it turns out to be a palish violet unicorn foal. She is seen with a brown earth pony colt)

Derpy: Dinky! You made it! How was your trip!

Dinky: It was okay! A bit dull in the excitement department because we kept getting our asses slaughtered by alien bastards. Finally Mashie decided to just nuke the fuck out of them. Rocket Launchers are simply the greatest invention since canned cheese.

Derpy: Don't swear, dear! You aren't supposed to know language like that for at least a few more years.

Dinky: Whatever!

Derpy: Don't whatever me! I am your mother not your warden. Please try to remember that!

Dinky: It isn't hurting anypony!

Harrison: Amen to that! This argument sounds really familiar. I wonder why that is!

Dinky: Yeah, see. You can't hurt ponies with words.

Button Mash: Unless a bomb that you are strapped to is wired into what words you use. If the trigger words include fuck in it, you're fucked.

Derpy: Kids! (Facehooves)

Twilight: Have any of you seen Rainbow Dash? She hasn't been seen since we got off the train and I am really worried about her.

Dinky: She's sulking in the game room. Said something about feeling unappreciated. I think she is feeling neglected sexually. Ponies become really pent up and moody if they don't get fucked.

(This somewhat innocent observation caused several different ponies and myself to blush horribly. The worst are Twilight, Rarity and Applejack)

Harrison: They do!?!? Oh god that makes things much more awkward!

Derpy: That is very inappropriate! Where in Equestria did you learn this language?

Dinky: Mostly from the orphanage I grew up at. I tend to pick certain things up! (wide grin)

Scootaloo: Dinky doesn't like to talk about her origins before we adopted her.

Dinky: Wouldn't you Scoots? Imagine that kind of life style. Where you know that you are lost or abandoned by your parents. You are my sister but don't pretend you have a clue about what it was like in that awful place.

Scootaloo: Fine! I won't pretend, but it still makes a difference now that you have a home here.

Harrison: On that happy note, let's try to find Dash and play some games.

Dinky: So he is going to be spending some time with us. Goody, I can use another gaming buddy.

Button: You have me Dink!

Dinky: Oh Mashie, you don't count. We already hang out so much, I know you inside and out!

Derpy: What does that mean exactly?

Dinky: Use your imagination Mom!

Derpy: That's what I am afraid of doing cause if I do that I am going to need a whole bunch of brain bleach.

Dinky: Good effort mom, but that isn't what I mean. Did you honestly think I am fucking Mashie? Oh that's rich. My mom has such a dirty mind. I just meant that we spend so much time together.

Derpy: Thank goodness!

Dinky: Besides, it isn't like you are so squeaky clean yourself! I sometimes hear you and Elfie fucking each other senseless. Do you know how loud mom can get if you tickle her?

Harrison: That brings a pleasant image to my head.

AJ: Do you happen to have some of that bleach on you Sugercube?

Harrison: Darn, I used it when I imagined Derpy and Tri.... I mean Elvera together!. Why don't you just not think about it?

AJ: That's a lot easier said than done. I am now imagining them going at it again. AH! FUCK NO GET AWAY!

Rarity: Where's Sweetie Belle?

Dinky: She went to keep Dash company! We were just on our way for some fresh air after the room became all sweaty.

Harrison and AJ: GAH! I can't unsee this image.

Luna: Much as this conversation is very entertaining, we really have to get going.

Twilight: I really hope Dash is okay.

Harrison: Me too!

Princess Celestia: (Appearing suddenly and without too much warning) Did I miss anything?

(Everypony, as well as myself nearly have a heart attack. AJ jumps so violently, she jumps into my arms. For a very fit pony, she isn't heavy at all. I unintentionally carry her bridal style. Her hat is nowhere to be seen. Twilight flinches violently and collapses on the floor. Luna isn't on the floor, but she isn't pleased with her sister's random appearance)

Luna: Don't fucking do that Sister! You nearly caused some of us to have heart attacks.

Celestia: But you can't go wrong with scaring ponies. It is simply amusing to find them all skittish.

(It is at this moment that Rainbow Dash appears. She is probably wondering where everypony got to)

Dash: Hey, what happened to everypo.....

(She sees me holding Applejack bridal style and her eye twitches once before she stares blankly ahead. She doesn't make a move to run away, but she doesn't show much emotion otherwise. Nobody notices this though, however her presence isn't fully ignored either. It isn't long before I calm down enough to set AJ down)

Twilight: Oh there you are Dash! Where did you go? We missed you.

Dash: I flew on ahead. I had to calm down for a bit. Don't worry babe, I am doing just fine!

(Nopony notices the flat tone she uses. She doesn't glance over at me once)

Celestia: We shall soon start our day by playing various games. It is a very good thing that Equestria has been relatively quiet in the department of emergencies. I am still somewhat busy so I can't join the festivities for long. Games in Equestria work a lot different from those in your world, Harrison.

Harrison: How so?

Celestia: For one, our technology for making games is a lot more advanced. I trust you are familiar with the concept of virtual reality?

Harrison: Somewhat. I am not that smart when it comes to the science behind it or pretty much anything outside of the science fiction movies and books I read.

Celestia: Than I will simplify it to the best of my ability. Basically, my little ponies can play inside their favorite games as if they were the main character. Everything they experience, from injuries, potential deaths, anything really, will become real. That means, that it is possible to die in the game. This is really hard to do as not a lot of games allow solo gameplay. You will almost always be around other characters in the game. You will sometimes replace the main character of said game depending on that certain character's importance to the storyline.

Twilight: Isn't this kind of technology really dangerous? Some of us can die!

Celestia: While I admit that it can be very dangerous if any of you attempt this and get injured enough to get a game over, I have taken precautions for this. What effectively amounts to a one-up spell will revive you if you do die, so that way we won't lose any of you.

Rarity: Have you tested this out on anypony? This doesn't sound very safe.

Celestia: I haven't tested it, but honestly I am very confident in my spell-work. Have a little faith in me ponies.

Luna: This still doesn't sound very reassuring. They could die and we will be without a defense for Equestria.

Dash: Come on, you guys, quit being such downers. We won't die! We are the motherfucking Elements of Harmony! Nothing but nothing can kill us.

Fluttershy: We are still mortal ponies Dash! We can still be killed.

Pinkie: Jeez it has taken quite a long time for you to say something Flutters! You haven't had a speaking role since the beginning of the chapter.

Harrison: Sorry about that!

Pinkie: Is there really a 4th wall here anymore or have we completely obliterated it by now?

Harrison: Not really! You guys are so self aware I am sure the joke became unfunny ages ago!

Celestia: The console is similar to most virtual reality headsets in the case of a helmet that hooks into a ponies brain. Since it is mostly made for Ponies that means Harrison can't participate.

Harrison: Dammit! I wanted to play!

Celestia: You can still play some games but the virtual reality console is mostly designed with Ponies in mind and wouldn't acknowledge your vital signs.

Luna: Has everypony figured out who will go first?

Youtube Video

(Dash looks around the room, and once again spots me nearby Applejack. She is huddled very close to me, seemingly unaware of doing so. She grits her teeth and slowly raises her hoof)

Dash: I will go!

Twilight: Really Dash? It's dangerous!

Dash: Don't care! Playing a game where I am a hero sounds just about fucking awesome.

Harrison: Amen to that! I'm jealous! I wish I can go.

Dash: Yeah, it does suck that you are staying behind, but it can't be helped. Too bad!

Scootaloo: Hey can I go? Being a sidekick to THE Rainbow Dash sounds fucking awesome!

Dash: Why not! Do we have one in her size?

Celestia: Yes, they come in all sizes. But are you sure, Scootaloo? This is really dangerous! I would hate to have been indirectly responsible for your death. This is exceedingly dangerous for a young filly.

Dash: I will protect her! Nothing can get to her when I am around!

(While this conversation is going on, Derpy is leaning over in my direction)

Derpy: Are you okay?

Harrison: Why wouldn't I be?

Derpy: It's just that Dash totally blew you over and sounded like she was pissed!

Harrison: I am sure she will get over it in time. I was probably at fault.

Derpy: No I don't think you were! She just yelled at you.

Fluttershy: I haven't heard that tone from her in quite awhile. I don't think I have ever heard that tone from her.

Harrison: Guys calm down! Whatever Dash is going through, I am sure she will eventually get over it! If she doesn't, then that is fine. She will come around! Just drop it, okay!

Fluttershy: (silently to herself) Should I be worried that even I notice what is wrong here?

Luna: Dash, this isn't the case of a normal saving the world here. Your lives are literally on the line here! One screw up and it's literally game over. We can't charge in there and save the day.

Dash: You can't?

Luna: No, it isn't possible without serious injury to the gamer. These helmets are hooked into you and if we restart the game with you still "inside" so to speak, then it will risk serious brain damage and other nasty repercussions.

Harrison: So it is in theory, similar to The Matrix?

Celestia: Ah, a good comparison. Yes, I suppose you can say that it is like that. In this world, you can eat various foods and your body gets the nutrients as if you had really just eaten that food.

Dash: Awesome! Can we start now? I am starting to get bored.

Twilight: Wait!! I can't just let Scootaloo loose on your own! Somepony has to watch out for your reckless self.

Dash: Cool, my marefriend and honorary sister, fighting to save the world! What could possibly be better?

(Celestia and Luna share a significant look. It is quite clear that they are very nervous about the dangers that they can face. It isn't enough to know they can lookout for Scootaloo. Who would look after Dash and Twilight?)

Celestia: Despite the dangers present, I am sure you can look out for each other. As long as you three stick together and don't do anything reckless, (significant look at Dash) then I am sure you will get along fine.

Dash: Course we will, now can we just go already?

Twilight: Dash, we still need to pick out a game! We won't get far without that most important feature!

Dash: (facehoof) How could I forget that!?

Luna: I happen to have the list in front of me!

Harrison: How convenient

Luna: Yes indeed! The list of games to pick from include: Mad World, No More Heroes, Bayonetta, Resident Evil 6, Resident Evil 4, Resident Evil 3, Banjo Kazooie, The Survival Game, Nightmare, Exmortis 2, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and Conker's Bad Fur Day. These were on my current list and there are still many others to go through.

Scootaloo: How about Nightmare!?!? A horror game sounds just fucking awesome!

Dash: It probably isn't even scary despite having a wicked cool name!

Luna: Actually it is! The game is extremely terrifying and I strongly urge you to not play it. Especially for the first time. Plus it's a 13 player game and not all of you want to play. There isn't even 13 of you currently, and there is no fucking way I am playing that game again.

Twilight: I heard about Ocarina of Time! It is supposed to be one of the greatest games of all time.

Harrison: It is! Rave reviews, strongly recommended and all that stuff.

Twilight: Perfect! Dash, Scoots, how about you? What do you think?

Scootaloo: It sounds awesome! I honestly don't care what we play as long as it is with Rainbow Dash.

Dash: Sure, it sounds awesome enough!

Twilight: Are you okay, Dash? You sound a bit odd!

Dash: Course I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be? Now can we please start already?

(Celestia and Luna share a significant look before turning back to Twilight, Dash and Scootaloo)

Celestia: Just be careful my little ponies. We won't be able to rescue you if anything goes wrong! Stick together at all times!

Dash: We will, can we please just go already!!?!?

Celestia: Alright then, in that case, please follow us to the game room. The console is there and we will get you all situated comfortably.

(The walk down is relatively uneventful. Nopony speaks as we are all too nervous. I huddle closer to AJ and Dash doesn't seem to notice or care. We eventually arrive at some double doors. The label on them reads, "Game Room" simple as that. Celestia, Luna, Twilight, Dash and Scootaloo enter without any hesitation, but the rest of us hang back)

AJ: Is it me or does this whole thing feel odd.

Derpy: I think it is because of all the tension in the air, but I feel it too.

Fluttershy: Dash is upset. I don't know why and I don't think I am going to find out, but she is definitely upset about something.

Harrison: I just hope she isn't going to get herself killed. That would suck if my favorite character and best Element of Harmony vanished. I would feel somehow responsible.

Pinkie: Just trust in her to know what the hell she needs to do and to do the right thing. Dashie isn't going to get herself killed. Nothing is going to go wrong and this entire story is going to go very smoothly.

(Silence for a few seconds)

AJ: You don't seriously believe that do you Sugercube?

Pinkie: Absolutely not! But it felt great to say!

Dinky: Are we just going to stand here like a bunch of idiots or are we going to actually go inside?

Harrison: Right! That is obviously what we need to do!

(Still, nopony moves)

AJ: Why does this feel wrong?

Derpy: I know Dash! She sulks when she feels unnoticed, but she snaps out of it. This isn't going to be the last time we see her. We just have to focus on the positive! Twilight is with her and she is the rational of the couple. She won't let Dash get killed. Scootaloo keeps Dash centered. She won't endanger her. She better not as Scootaloo is my younger sister and I wouldn't let her die in peace if I lose the single most important family member outside of Dinky I have. Let's just go in there and make sure they have our support.

Rarity: Brilliant speech dear.

Derpy: I thought so too!

(Getting over our nerves thanks to Derpy's pep talk, we finally enter the two double doors. Various beanbag chairs and chairs greet us. Dash, Scootaloo and Twilight have a few wires and nodes connected to their bodies. They are situated side by side. Scootaloo and Twilight are calm, but Dash has a look of sheer terror on her face. Once she notices us however, she fights to wipe off that look. It isn't nearly as successful as she would have hoped. Derpy heads over to her and gives her a look of motherly concern that only a mother can pull off. Dash fights the effects of the hug for as long as she can, but she eventually caves in and gives Derpy a very tight hug. They are obviously talking about something but the words don't carry over. Dash nods once, tears glittering in her eyes as she mumbles something back. Derpy nods once, apparently in agreement. Finally, she steps away, taking her place among the crowd. Dash leans back, a huge gulp of air added to her lungs and she grips Twilight a little tighter and settles one hoof on Scootaloo. She is finally ready)

Celestia: Now since this won't work with normal power alone, I will have to put you into a trance. Is everypony absolutely ready?

Twilight: Yep

Scootaloo: I was born ready!

(Silence from Dash. Nopony interrupts her for an answer as this is obviously her decision. After awhile she closes her eyes and takes a very deep breath)

Dash: I am ready!

(She opens her eyes once and stares straight ahead. Her eyes reach mine and we stare at each other for a long moment. Words come to mind, but nothing is spoken. Finally I nod once and she relaxes. Concern apparently forgotten. Celestia's horn glows a bright shade of gold and her magic settles over the three ponies. Their journey is about to begin and all we can do is wait for that time that they open their eyes)