"...But you'll be answering to the Colta-Cola company."
Time and time again, we ask ourselves the same old question: Why did I get out of bed this morning? The answers don't really seem to matter, because no matter how or why you did, life seems pretty intent on cutting you zero slack whatsoever for the day ahead. And as everypony in Ponyville knows, that kind of sucks sometimes.
So, in personally satisfying the aforementioned Great Question, allow me to tell you a story. A story... about soda.
You see, when it comes to soda, no one else in Ponyville knows about it more than Lyra Heartstrings. Loves it. Drinks it daily. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Can't get enough of the stuff, that mare. In fact, I think she even tried to petition for its addition to the Food Pyramid and all that jazz. Pretty sure it didn't work, but ah, doesn't mean anypony loved it any less.
Anyhoo, you know about Lyra? Of course you do. Everyone knows about her. And her roomie, Bonbon, as well. She and Lyra are totally a thing, and that, my friend, is no secret. Even if they both denied it. Profusely. But hey, I bet you didn't know that Lyra loved soda so much, at least. You didn't, did you? Heh, I thought not.
Learn something new every day, I guess. Except me, 'cuz I already knew about it and stuff.
And before I go on, I just thought I ought to mention: that supposed “obsession” that Lyra has with human dudes? Totally false. Untrue. Nuuupe. Soda is her true fixation, ya see. Sorry to step on your head-canon pals, but that's just how the world works. Hasbro won't cut you any breaks, and neither will I.
There. You just learned two things today, you lucky sod. No need to thank me; your bill will arrive in the mail within the next two weeks or so.
So anyway, Lyra and her life partner Bonbon were at home one day, chillin' on the couch. As per the usual, Lyra was slurping one of her favorite brands of soda—which is, as everypony who knows her will know, Colta-Cola—and listening to the radio. It was another one of those dumb radio plays; almost like a soap opera, except, without the angsty, pained expressions that make those things sort of amusing to watch. So, pretty much trash from front to back.
(Ponies, being as technologically-schizophrenic as they are, have yet to invent the proper television you see. Even in an age where building a goddamn hydroelectric dam is alright, they're only just starting to get their heads and horns around to actually using the electricity that they're making. Seriously, radio? What is this, the thirties?)
But as every radio owner knows, there are times when the drama must come to a close. Or at least, a cliffhanger. Lyra didn't really like those, but she didn't really give a shit; two sips of her soda later, she forgot what she was even mad about in the first place. Right then, she heard someone speaking over the usual ads...
“In light of new concerns regarding the content and effects of soft drinks,” droned a boring announcer guy, who probably only got paid a bit every two years, “the Equestrian Health Organization, or E.H.O., has proposed a new bylaw to remove all brands of carbonated beverages from store shelves and ban its continued distribution thereafter. A unanimous...”
Bonbon liked to cuddle up with her pal Lyra, even though they aren't actually gay for each other (or so they say), and that is precisely what she was doing when the minty unicorn suddenly decided to leap off of the couch and gallop out the door. As ol' Bonnie was still clinging on to her chum for dear life, noticing that the scenery seemed to be flying by really fast for some reason, she figured out pretty quickly that something was up.
And her curiosity was not unsatisfied, no; she got her answer straight from the pony's mouth. “Those fools!” she furiously voiced, still relentlessly stampeding ahead. “They want to take away my rights! My livelihood! My love! This will not stand!”
“But dear,” her not-lesbian companion retorted, “what in Equestria is this even about?”
“SODA! They want to take away my CARBONATED LIQUID REFRESHMENT!” the minty unicorn roared, shoving an elderly pony into a banana-peel collection bin and knocking it over. “Those morons at the so-called “health” organization wanna get rid of it! Over my dead, flayed, and decaying carcass they will!”
See, Bonbon knew something else about Lyra. When she got really pissed-off about something, you do NOT stand in her way. Otherwise, she’ll turn you into a smear on the pavement that she passed over. It totally happened to a guy, once. All over the news. Shit was crazy.
And just like that, we’re three for three. I should start charging rates for free, random bytes of information or something.
I could make a killing, I swear.
Anyway, Lyra was really mad about the EHO’s decision to ban soda. I mean, legally, it would still take YEARS for it to take full effect, and no doubt the big soda companies would have their overpaid lawyers fight tooth and nail over this, but this unicorn in particular doesn’t really like waiting. She ain’t a very patient mare.
When she wants shit done today, she gets shit done today.
So, she ran all to way to Ponyville Town Hall, yellin’ about “carbonation oppressors” and “soft drink haters”, with ol’ Bonnie still hanging on to her dear friend for dear life. She would’ve let go a long time ago, but, that rule about jumping out of a moving car? Still applies here. But, Lyra did not slow down once, so, she couldn’t. At least, not without breaking something. Like, a bone. Which sucks. ‘Cause it hurts like a bitch, and all. Hence why she didn’t do it.
Yeah.
Er.
I mean, it’s not like she kept hanging on to Lyra because she was secretly in love with her and would “never let go”, like that one chick in the movie about the boat said, right?
Of course not. The mere notion! Hah, ridiculous.
So, as I was saying, Lyra went up to the mayor’s office—just barging in without a care, that unicorn did—and started ranting and raging about the bullshit that the EHO was stirring up. But, being a politician, the mayor didn’t appear to give two shits.
“Miss Heartstrings, you are the fourth pony I’ve had come in here complaining about that,” she droned, not even bothering to look up at her. “Trust me; I’m fully aware of this…issue.” The Mayor is usually more perky-looking, but folks, that crap is just for show. While not quite the soulless automaton that most politicians are, Ponyville’s Mayor was still pretty dull.
Lyra, however, was here to make a case. And darn it if she wouldn’t get her way. “Well, then do something about it!” she complained, waving her soda can in the mayor’s face to make a point. “I don’t want to have to resort to getting these from the same colt on the block that a junkie would buy needles from!”
“I understand your frustration, Miss Heartstrings, but you must know that there is very little I could actually do about what the EHO had proposed.”
“And why not?!”
“Because, for a start, the EHO is based in Manehatten. That region is well out of my jurisdiction. Also, the proposal was already—”
Lyra huffed. “A road trip it is, then! Come on Bonnie, we’re going to put a stop to this!” And with that, the minty mare turned and stormed out the door, with her pal-for-life still loyally clinging to her.
“Have a nice day, ma’am,” Bonbon said meekly, grinning nervously as she was half-carried half-dragged out of the office.
The Mayor rolled her eyes. “Kids these days,” she muttered boredly. “Always running off into the sunset with maniacs…”
So, with all that drama in the office aside, Lyra took to the road. The railroad, that is. Friendship Express to Manehatten, which only took a couple of hours. They got snacks on the ride, which was pretty cool, but Lyra was still steadfast on her goal.
They weren’t taking away her soda. No sir.
They soon arrived in the big city of Manehatten, and holy damn was it a big city! I mean, big buildings, and everything! Hell, there were even skyscrapers! Seriously, the houses in Ponyville look like they were from the Dark Ages, but here they have skyscrapers?!
The actual hell, guys? I don’t understand these ponies anymore. I’ve given up trying to understand how far along their culture is.
Narrator’s idle frustration aside, Lyra and her partner Bonbon marched straight up to their target: the EHO’s main headquarters. It wasn’t quite as impressive as the status of the organization made it out to be, though; not a very big building. It wasn’t much bigger than Ponyville Town Hall was. Heck, it was small by Ponyville standards in general.
But, no matter. She had come here for a reason, and that reason was more important than anything else in her life at the moment.
Except for maybe Bonbon.
…
No, they are NOT gay for each other. How many times do I gotta say it? Sheesh.
Anyhow, Lyra and her buddy stormed the building. And by “stormed the building”, I meant that they just entered through the front door, but did it in a way that implied that they meant serious business. “Like a boss”, you could say.
But, there wasn’t anypony there. Except for a colt at a little, solitary desk. Secretary, maybe? Lyra didn’t know, but she didn’t care. She needed her fix of soda, and she wanted to get it as painlessly as possible. Legally, that is; it’s way too damn expensive to buy that off that black market, anyway. Bonbon’d have a fit.
“Who’s in charge of this dump?!” demanded a thoroughly hot-and-bothered Lyra, slamming her front hooves on the desk and scaring the piss out of the colt. “I got a few words I need to say-slash-cram down that donkey-muncher’s ears!”
“Er… that would be me,” the thin, gangly colt replied timidly. “Is there a problem?”
“You bet your pimply plot there’s a problem! My livelihood is being attacked—wait a second, YOU’RE the head honcho of the EHO?!”
“We’re… not a very strong organization.”
“…”
“Um, if you’re here to complain about the Soda Ban, well… you don’t need to. It’s been rejected.”
“…”
“In fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s been rejected several hours ago, by now. A news program on the radio delivered the report. In fact, I… have it recorded here…”
“In light of new concerns regarding the content and effects of soft drinks, the Equestrian Health Organization, or E.H.O., has proposed a new bylaw to remove all brands of carbonated beverages from store shelves and ban its continued distribution thereafter. A unanimous response from the Canterlot Parliament has, however, rejectedthe proposal, with Council Speaker Silver Tongue citing it as, “an attack on the personal liberties of the Equestrian population”, as well as indicating the potential economic repercussions as well. Full details at 6…”
“…Oh.”
Lyra, understandably, felt rather silly about this. She hadn’t even finished listening to that same radio broadcast that spurred her crusade in the first place; if she had stopped for even a moment more, she might have avoided such embarrassment.
Well, shit.
The colt shrugged and chuckled nervously. “Ponies do like their soda, I suppose,” he said quietly. “To be fair, I didn’t approve of it either. My old boss, and former head of the EHO, quit the job and dumped the position on me as soon as his proposal was rejected. Couldn’t stand the stuff, apparently. Anyone caught drinking it at the workplace was fired on the spot…”
With a sigh, Lyra patted the colt on the head. “I know that feel, brony. I know that feel.”
And so, her quest having succeeded (in a way), Lyra and Bonbon decided that it was time to head home. But, seeing as how the train didn’t run again until morning, they were forced to get a room at a fancy Manehatten hotel for the night.
It cost a fortune, but they used the credit card that the EHO boss guy had left behind and was given to them by the colt, so it was all good.
“I love soda,” the minty mare droned dreamily, opening a fresh can and guzzling it down contently. “I love it so much…”
Bonbon crawled up onto the bed with her eternally-platonic friend, and ran a hoof down Ly’s leg. “I love Lyra. I love her so much…”
“…Sorry, what?”
“Nothing, dear.”
Like I said, folks. Not gay.
~END
