"Somepony once told me the definition of Hell. The last day you have left on the planet, the pony you became will meet the pony you could have become." Said Caeser
When what was my best friend told me that I just... I don't know what happened exactly. I stared blankly at them for what could have been for a good five minutes, slumping back in the chair at the cafe we were at. They had got done telling me that I wasn't being a good friend at all to them and his new fiance.
"I bet you don't even know her name!" He screams
"Of course I do!" I snapped, "It's..." My jaw hung open on that last word, struggling to find that name, that one name! I was scanning every avaliable memory of my friend and his marefriend that we shared but not one instance of her name popped up. Shit.
"See what I mean!? If you don' get out of your house more often and start seeing new ponies and places, you will end up one very lonely stallion, Midnight!"
It's true, it's all true. There needn't be any debate about it either. I simply hung my head with my ears flattening against it in sadness, drooping my front right hoof over my left as a sort of "comfort hug", trying to bring myself some sort of solace at his painful, stinging words, all the while looking at my half finished sandwich with a no longer interested desire to finish it. Sadness and depression has ruined my appetite.
Opening my mouth, only managing a little squeak. "I..." Why did that even come out of my mouth? It wasn't going to do me any good. Maybe it was just a pitiful plea? Almost as if I was trying to say, "Please forgive me." This wasn't the case. I knew every single word of it was true. I can now say I am ashamed of who, or rather, what I have become. "I..."
"Don't even bother!" retorts Caesar, slamming a hoof on the table. "You're going nowhere in life and I don't want any part of it anymore, I don't want to be friends with somepony who has no goals in life. What is it you do anyway? Get up, sit around until work, work, come home then sit around watching movies you picked up on your way home? How do you live with that!? Why don't you come hang out with me and my friends more often and not just when I forcibly invite you out and we end up talking our way into a conversation like this? I'm sorry," he says with a sombre expression "but I have to say goodbye. Remember what I said at the beginning."
I just sat there, dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say, not that I could say anything, or what to do. My throat hurt from so many hurtful words and feelings being crammed down it. I didn't get up until the waiter came along to clear the table. "Sir, is everything alright? You've been sitting in the same spot for about ten minutes after your friend left." I only managed a short, quiet, squeaky "Yeah" from my hurt throat, before getting out of the chair and paying the whole bill. It was kind of annoying Caesar didn't leave his half, but I guessed he was trying to hint at how much of an ass I had turned into.
The walk home is slow, boring, and all around utterly depressing. My ears were practically glued to the side of my head I was that upset. Getting home added to the weight of what Caeser had dumped on me. Movies were strewn about the DVD player, the couch had an obvious indentation of where my plot spent a good portion of the day, then there was the copious amounts of junk food wrappers that littered the overflowing bin. I tried pushing the contents deeper into the plastic container, only to have the side split open on me.
I stared at it in disbelief. How many times had I done this!? Poking at the trash seeping through the side, it was so tightly packed that not even a knife could get in without difficulty, so I tore the bin apart to make it easier to get the circular brick of trash out, landing with a thump on the floor. "Fuck me!" I exclaimed with surprise, and I thought that it wouldn't be surprising if I found a diamond in here either.
It's amazing, isn't it? How you can live in a total mess, and be completely oblivious to the extent of how bad it is until someone points it out and shoves it back in your face. I currently reside in a rather nice apartment living off a comfortable salary from working in an upscale Canterlot store selling mystical oddities. I tell ya, these rich folk will buy almost anything if you can convince them the back story is real and how it'll effect them. Of course the story is real, but the implications are by no means real. Don't get me wrong, all of our artifacts are real, sourced from far away lands, or are heirlooms that get sold to us for whatever reason, and come with a well-researched document on the item as provenance to prove its authenticity.
But, I digress.
It's the sudden realisation of how bad things have gotten when they've been pointed out to you that hurts, but even more so when it gets hammered down into your throat rendering you unable to talk from hurt feelings. Almost like that rubbish bin. I began to unenthusiastically tidy up, opting to use my mouth to pick up the bits of plastic wrapping, paper, and chip packets instead of using my magic, putting it all into the second full trash bag. I couldn't even be bothered putting the energy into casting a spell to levitate all the trash into the bag I just felt so worthless, which would have taken all of a minute to tidy up that way. The kitchen was even worse. Dishes, dishes everywhere! It took me about half an hour to wash and dry the dishes, then I had to wipe down all surfaces, sweep, and then finally, mop. Holy shit, it's clean for once!
Two hours later after picking up all the rubbish by mouth, straightening everything out and sitting in the spot of the couch deformed by my plot, a strange, unfamiliar feeling of satasfaction at a job well done washed over me, thus bringing a small smile to my lips. I look around at the nice, clean apartment. You get so used to having messes here and there with the odd bit of clutter that you don't even notice it. Why, just... why did tidying up without using magic make me feel better? How was it even possible? I couldn't exactly put my hoof on it, but it began to make me question myself: What else can I do to feel this way?
I'm not trying to be lazy with this next part, but I got on the computer to do a bit of research and typed into the main search bar "Things to do to make yourself feel good". The list of things was innumerable. On a side note, pony keyboards came in two sizes: Huge, and small. The bigger ones had much larger keys on then to allow them to be pressed with ease by hoof but the downside was they required a large desk, and the normal ones were intended entirely for unicorns because we simply used magic to press buttons. For the non-unicorn ponies that had small keyboards, they came with a hoof-strap attatchment which had a small plastic pole a few inches long and on the end is a rubber cap that won't slip when you typed on the keys.
Anyway, I gotta stop getting off track. I clicked the first link I saw, titles "99 Ways to feel good about yourself right now". Some of the suggestions were listed;
1: Call your mother. Not gonna happen. Who wants to listen to that old thing badger on about random and often disturbing symptoms and new illnesses. Pfft, what an attention seeker.
2: Look in the mirror. Why would I do that? I already know nopony wants to date this ugly mug.
3: Wrote a love note. Who the hell am I going to write that to!?!?
The list went on, until my eyes scanned over these three particular points.
9: Apologise. Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I should really get started on that, like, yesterday.
10: Find something to give away. I don't use a lot of the things I have, they're mostly for decoration and show. Who's to say somepony wants something I've got, but can't afford it?
11: Lift someones spirits. Ok, this one hit hard. Harder than bricks. It's almost like getting bucked by Applejack after she catches you drunkenly drooling over her ass when you saw her at a bar after you somehow got too close. I feel like total horse apples right now. Imagine the good it would do to somepony, if somepony else showed them a little kindness.
Eventually I found myself watching online videos, inparticular ones that were the "caught on camera" types. Some of these were amazing. A frail, old, crippled stallion with a missing front right leg who's crutch broke, had fallen in the middle of the road while he was trying to cross the road. He kept trying to get up only for the crutch give out on him several times, and to top it off ponies kept driving right on by, even going out of their way to drive around him! I mean come on, how pathetic is that?! Then one kind pegasus walks up to him and uses her wing to help lift up the poor guy, keeping him walking straight until they were on the other side of the road. She gives him a hug, and offers him a ride on her back to buy a new crutch. She even offered to pay for it!
Next I found another one. It began with a reporter monologing about how a homeless old mare whom walks two hours a day for a hot meal at a friends place and sleeps in a shelter, had found several hundred bits worth of bank notes and didn't even have two bits to her own name. You know what she did? She returned it to the bank! A homeless old mare returned several hundred bits to its rightful owner! The camera is on this lady now. "I was raised right, my momma taught me never to steal from anypony, and when I found the money, I just had to give it back."
"But why didn't you keep it? You could really use the money right now." Queried the reporter giving the interview.
"That doesn't matter. It wasn't mine to take or spend. The owner probably had plans for it too." The reporter concluded the interview by saying that "The owner was so grateful to get his money back that he gave the mare 400 bits to say thank you, and offering a place to stay if she ever needed it."
An hour and a half went by watching these videos, and a lot of them broke my heart or made me cry in some form. A firefighter rescuing and recussitating a dying kitten caught in a housefire, now that one made me break down in tears to see how somepony cared enough to save such a tiny little thing. It's decided. I've been such a horrible, condescending, narcissistic little buttwipe and I need to change now! Not exactly the right words, but I feel like I deserve every name in the whole goddamned book right now.
First thing is first. It behooves me to start apologising to my... ex-friends. I've hurt them by being such an utter dickhead to them. Holding my head high with a renewed sense of self esteem, I trot out the door into the afternoon sunlight to begin the laborious task of apologising to everypony I have wronged.
I just hope that I can pull it off, and that they can take my apology.
Who's first? Caeser.
I hope to convince him we can be friends again. I know I don't deserve his friendship, but I must apologise for how I treated him, his fiance, and everypony else that got treated less than desireably. What the hell was I thinkning, treating friends that way? And why does it take getting smacked in the face to realise how wrong it all is? Yeah, it's kinda late to change things that have already happened, but I want to, no, NEED to makeup for them to get some sort of closure so then I can sleep at night knowing I did something good for somepony else.
Something caught my eye; a little filly sitting by a fountain holding two pieces of... something? Getting closer, I saw it to be a the body and legs of a doll. Oh... How sad is it to have a toy break on you when you were a little kid. When my favourite toy broke when I was but a little colt, it felt like my heart got ripped out. You just get so attatched to something because of who gave it to you, and how long you've had it that the thought of letting it go or losing it sends waves of fear down your spine. Enough reminiscing, lets get back to reality.
Normally I would have walked on by with a passing glimpse at the scene but not today! I trot up to the filly and get down on all fours so I'm level with her eyes, asking, "Hey there, are you alright? What's your name?"
She shows me the two halves of the doll; head in one hoof and the rest in the other. "My name is Dinky. I was w-walking home a-and I tripped and f-fell and my toys head c-came off." she says between sobs.
"Here, let me help if you want?" She gives a weak, shy nod and I levitate the two pieces into the air, properly joining the two seams and fusing the stitching back together with a spell. With a flash, it falls back into her hooves.I tell you, that smile made my whole goddamn day. Right now, she is the most happiest filly alive. "Oh thank you so much Mister! Mummy would have made me throw it away but daddy gave it to me for my birthday last year."
"What an awesome dad!" I add, making her grin even more. "Would you like me to take you home to him and your mum?"
"It's just me and mummy now, daddy left a while ago."
My mouth hung agape for a second. How could a little filly so calmly explain that her dad up and left? Sheesh, what an ass. Oh geez... that one kinda hit home, it's a small reminder of how I kept ditching my old friends.
"But it's no trouble Mister, my house is only down the end of the street. I was just scared of losing the toy daddy gave me. Thank you!"
She gave me a quick hug around the neck to say thank you and galloped down the road happy as can be. When I stood up and let sink in what happened, it made me feel even better. It warmed my heart to see see somepony happy because of what I did for them. If this is what it takes to feel good about myself, why did it take me this long to realise it?
Caesers house was just across from the plaza. Knock knock. "Yeah, who is it?" Came the reply from behind the door. It swung open to reveal a frowning stallion on the other side. "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"
"Caeser, I just came to..." I can't find the wight words, they are like stones in my heart. "I just came to say I was sorry. For everything. I was a terrible pony to you and everypony else. When you left me at the cafe this morning you made me realise what I was doing is wrong on so many levels. I don't care if you never want to be friends again, I just came here to give you my apologies and now I'll be on my way." I turn to leave, having taken a few steps before getting stopped.
"Wait." I froze in place, not turning around. "Thank you for that. Really. I saw what you did for the filly, it made me smile to see you selflessly help somepony like that. What's come over you?"
"When you left, I went home and did some thinking. You were right, about everything. I need to change, get out more, see more ponies and do more things. When I saw the crying filly on my way over here I knew I had to help. And you know what? It felt great! It just felt so great to know somepony is happy because of what you did to help them."
"Who's that, honey?" came a voice from inside the house, and a lavender mare poked her head around the door.
"It's Midnight. You remember Amethyst, don't you?" He said with a wink. It would seem my apology must've been good enough he'd tell me her name so I don't look like an idiot asking it, when I already should.
When we all got reaquainted with each other Caeser and I made some plans to get caught up with events I missed out on due to... *ahem* my selfishness...
On the walk home, it dawned on me. Why do ponies lead empty lives like I used to? All it takes is for you to reach out with the helping hand of kindness to show that there are others out there that care. This should be a world of kind-hearted ponies and not the kind that walk by crying fillies. Give somepony a few bits if they're just shy on their groceries, give a bit or two to the homeless or street performers. And there's that one most important ideal. Smile. A smile will always find its way back to you.
If you give somepony one of your smiles, it might be the only sunshine they see all day. It can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
