The Elements of Harmony Get a Firmware Update
What the Hell is a Fingerprint?!?
"YEAH! GET SOME, yah filthy communists!"
Applejack, the Element of Honesty, pumped her hoof in the air after scoring a sick-ass three-sixty noscope. The day was going well for her. In addition to her 30/1 Kill/Death ratio, she had obtained permission from her grandmother to take the day off. Which meant a day without applebucking, without cart-pulling, and most importantly, a day without her grandmother.
What was the occasion, you ask? (And you did, of course. I'm subtly manipulating you.) Well, since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you. Today was the day that Applejack and the rest of the Elements were receiving their new, shiny, upgraded Elements. Today should also be the day that Hasbro looks up "Elements" in the thesaurus.
You see, about a week ago, Fluttershy had approached Twilight Sparkle with an idea. Wouldn't it be great if the Elements worked not only as a high-intensity beam emitter, transmutation device, and plot hooks, but as MULTI-FUNCTION PHONES as well? Of course, Twilight ate this idea right up because the prospect of having a personal assistant that didn't require food, sleep, or care of any kind made her feel a bit funny inside in a good way.
So, after obtaining the permission of the other Elements through the use of persuasion and bribery, Twilight wrapped five the elements in royally-sanctioned bubble wrap and shipped them off to Canterlot to be installed with an assortment of new operating systems. Pinkie sent hers to Saddle Arabia via speedboat, claiming that they sold an equally-powerful OS for around a quarter of the price.
Applejack, bored with monologueing to herself, unpaused her game and continued to blow the heads off of Marxists. Wincing as she was about to round a corner and pull off a face-stab, she heard a knock on her door.
"G'way, I'm busy." She managed to grumble through a mouthful of Apple Puffs. They tasted terrible, but there was a rule on the Apple family estate that every food item and sentient being had to be either a pun or apple-related. Nopony was going to interrupt her. This was her day off! How dare a salespony come barge in on the day she received her new Element in the mai-
"Ah, horseapples shuckbuttons duck-a dong dowee!" She dumped her headset and controller on the apple-powdered couch, running for the door. Using Winona as a footstool to see through the peephole, she could barely make out the form of a certain green mailmare.
When she opened the door, she quickly grabbed the package out of Ditzy's hooves that was slightly larger or smaller than a breadbox by about thirty degrees. Not even sparing a glance at the pegasus, she slammed the door in her face and stepped off her dog.
The package was a pristine white, and was made of a cardboard that seemed to have about the tensile strength of diamond-studded carbon steel. A logo was stamped on the front, and had some text written on it.
"iOS Seven, huh?"
*** *** *** *** ***
"So this is it." Twilight huffed and puffed, trying and failing to not seem aroused by her Element. Instead of the old, stodgy pure gold tiara, there was now a sleek-looking matte black crown with a small flat glass surface on the front.
The rest of the Elements of Harmony sat in a circle in Twilight's living room, most of them trying and failing to make their way through the plethora of Styrofoam peanuts, bubble wrap, and Chinese puzzle boxes that made up the packaging of their phone. Pinkie Pie, however, was the exception. Her Saddle Arabian OS was a sniper rifle in a shipping box along with a note that said "You know what to do, Pablo." Pinkie was satisfied with her product and rated the shipper five out of five.
Using her totally power-balanced magic, the excited purple unicorn lifted up the sleek new contraption and placed it on her head.
"AAH!" She screamed as her vision went completely black. All of the others stopped their epic journeys of unboxitude, looking with confusion at the mare. After writhing on the ground for a few seconds and knocking over a few potted ferns with her panicked magic, she seemed to calm down. Her vision was replaced by a picture of what appeared to be a warped window pane, with a large stylized "8" next to it. After another few seconds, she was brought to a screen filled with animated boxes of varying size and colors.
"Ah, its okay, guys." She said, waving the worried friends off. I'm okay no-"OH MY GOD THAT'S BRIGHT!"
"What happened?!" Asked Applejack, who still had pieces of the impossibly strong box stuck in her mouth.
"I just looked to the top-left and it brought me to a COMPLETELY different cosmetic layout!" She said, frowning. "This one has, like, twenty thousand little icons all over the place. This one's electronic mail." She said, blinking rapidly. "And this one's a word processo- oooh, it's typing what I'm saying. BUCK!" She blinked top-left again, and was brought back to the square screen.
"What now? Said Rarity, who was almost finished rescuing her WebOS necklace from the box. She had had quite enough of Twilight's voice by now. Thankfully, she knew just how to shut the egg headed mare up. "Click on the icon labeled "Microsoft Excel"
"What does that do- ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh." Twilight cooed at the impossibly organized cells and rows, drooling a bit. She went into a self-induced pleasure coma.
"Now that SHE'S taken care of, lets get this party started!" Said Rainbow Dash, ripping her element out of the packaging, and holding it up high. "I asked them for the TOUGHEST, most AWESOME firmware of all time to handle my sick moves." She looked at the element and frowned.
"Umm, guys?"
"YETH?" The rest of the group said through mouthfuls of packaging.
"This is a rock with "Nokia" engraved into it. It came with a string." She held up a piece of twine.
Twilight would have answered, but she was spasming on the carpet. Every time she blink-clicked or made any kind of gesture, a new screen would pop up. She had degraded into epileptic shock.
"VICTORAY!" Applejack held her new Element in front of her. It certainly looked legit, if by "legit" you mean "about an inch longer than the old one and metal now." She slipped it on.
Instead of blinding her like Twilight's Windows 8, this one simply wanted her 'fingerprint'. What the hell was a fingerprint? She instead tapped it once with her hoof. As she did so, her vision filled with small, transparent square icons in startlingly high resolution.
"Ah jeez, ah want a picture of this just so I can show it to Big Mac!" Said Applejack. "Not to fear!" Replied Pinkie Pie, who was currently reading the instruction manual. "To take a screenshot, you need only perform a simple gesture."
"How?" Said Applejack, trying to reach out and touch the crisp icons.
"Touch your nose, clench your bowels, perform a rain dance, salute, hurdle your leg, and wave your hat around." She turned over the manual, looking for more instructions. "That can't be right."
Applejack, unfazed, did the gesture quickly and took a screenshot. "Easy as pie. Thanks, Pinkie!"
"Mine works perfectly." Said Fluttershy sheepishly as she held her necklace in one hoof and used the touch-screen with the other. "I like this "Android" thing. It's easy to use."
"YAY!" Said Rarity, unboxing her generic-looking necklace. "Now you can all watch me try WebOS!"
The room disintegrated into laughter..
Author's Note
I definitely sacrificed the literary value here: But I had an idea and wrote in in half an hour. My first one-shot.
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