Thank God This is the Only Chapter
Spike Wakes Up One Morning to Discover That He's Grown a Pair of Nipples On His Chest by Arwhale
As it loved to do every morning, the light came streaming in through the window and bitch-slapped him in his scaly face.
Spike reflexively jerked his hand up to shield himself from the sun’s onslaught, which permeated through his closed eyelids like hot water through a sponge. A sound that was partway between a yawn and a groan escaped his gaping mouth, and he groggily turned his face away from the light. His eyelids flickered a few times before sliding open.
He was greeted with the sight of Twilight standing directly across from him on the other side of her bed, next to one of the dressers. She had her back turned, and a small glass bottle filled with a milky-red substance was hovering next to her head, wrapped in her signature purple aura. Spike watched as Twilight discreetly slid the bottom drawer of her dresser open, and from within, withdrew a small metal tablespoon. She brought the two objects together and tipped the bottle over. The red liquid dribbled out one drop at a time until the spoon had been filled to the brim, and she quietly set the bottle down on top of her bedside table.
A tiny smile spread on Spike’s scaly lips. He waited until Twilight had the spoon hovering right in front of her mouth before he alerted her to his presence.
“Twilight.”
The mare jumped at the sound of his voice, and the translucent purple cloud around the spoon evaporated. Before she could react, it clattered on the floor, spilling its contents all over the hardwood. She whirled around to see him staring at her from under the covers of his bed and giving her a knowing smirk.
“What’re you doing?”
Twilight stared right back at him with pupils wide as dinner plates. She took a second to fumble around in her brain for the right words and stammered, “Uhhh, uh...morning Spike. I, uh, was just taking some, uh… medicine…”
“It’s hot sauce, isn’t it?” Spike’s question was almost a statement. He watched as Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it again. She bowed her head with shame, ears falling back on her head.
“Yeah…”
Just as he suspected. Spike shook his head with a mixture of amusement and disappointment.
“Twi…” he began, but she interrupted him before he could get any further.
“Look, it’s not my fault, okay? Pinkie Pie just showed up at my door yesterday with a bottle of the brand new Thousand Year Phoenix Raging Inferno Sauce and wanted to give it to me as a gift. I couldn’t just be rude and say no!” she retorted defensively.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Fine. Whatever. But you know how it makes your stomach all… you know.” He trailed off, making a face. Twilight sighed.
“Yeaaah…” A grin slowly worked its way onto her features. “…but it’s soooo WORTH IT.”
Her horn glowed, and the spoon and bottle came together once again in midair. With a toothy grin of excitement, she poured herself a new dose of the pungent-smelling red sauce into the spoon. Spike stuck his tongue out in disgust.
“Twilight… you know the doctor said…”
“I know, I know,” she ignored him, bringing the full spoon to her watering mouth. “But I just gotta try this one little bit…”
Spike would have tried to dissuade her again, but it was too late. She plunged the spoon into her mouth and closed her lips around it, pulling it back out empty. She held the sauce in her mouth for a few seconds before swallowing it all in one big gulp. Spike cringed.
“Jeez, Twilight, a little bit?”
She didn’t answer him. She reared her head back, eyes partially closing as they watered up. Her nose began to run, and her lips parted into an O shape as she exhaled deeply.
“Oh… oh my gosh…” She started to hyperventilate. Tears trickled down her cheeks. “It feels… so… HOT.”
Spike smacked himself in the forehead. “Yeah, no duh, Twi. The title on the bottle has the words ‘RAGING INFERNO’ on it in all capital letters. What did you expect?”
Twilight dropped the spoon onto her bedside table, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. She smiled, repeating, “Oh my gosh, it’s soooo HOT!”
She panted, trying to douse her tongue in cool air. Spike was mildly concerned, but it wasn’t enough to get him out of bed. Instead, he simply laid back and watched her head shake back and forth, face turning a shade of dark red as the hot sauce attacked her tongue and throat.
“Twi… you’ve got a problem. Seriously.”
“No… I… don’t… ohmygoshohmygosh…” Twilight sat down on the floor, groaning and wrapping her foreleg around her belly. Spike face-palmed.
“And now for the stomach stuff…”
On his cue, Twilight shot up to her hooves and rocketed down the stairs, hooves rapping hard against the wooden steps. Spike heard a door slam shut, which was soon followed by what sounded like Twilight going into labor. “UUUUUUUHHH!”
Spike flopped over onto his belly and pressed his pillow over the holes which served as his ears. Every muffled sound he picked up through the fluffy barrier only confirmed in his mind that he wasn’t going to be able to use that toilet for a very long time.
When the sounds finally ceased, the toilet flushed, and Twilight emerged from the bathroom with a look of satisfaction on her face.
“That,” she said, “was the best one yet.”
Spike mumbled incoherently into the pillow. Twilight cocked her head.
“What’s that, Spike?”
He lifted his head, pushing his body up from the mattress with his arms. He shrugged.
“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.” Spike sighed. He rolled out of bed and stood up, his joints making tiny popping sounds as he stretched out his limbs. Sticking his elbows out like chicken wings, he twisted his torso from side to side, and the sound of his vertebrae cracking could be heard all the way across the room.
When he looked downstairs, Twilight was looking right back up at him with one eyebrow raised. He huffed.
“What? I’ve got back problems!” he whined.
Twilight shook her head, taking a step closer and squinting. “No, no, it’s not that… what are those things on your chest?” She pointed to his underside with her hoof.
It was Spike’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “Things? What are talking ab—” He directed his gaze downward, and the instant he did so, the words became caught in his throat.
Two, pinkish-red spots protruded out of his scales, one on either side of his chest. Each dot was a little smaller in diameter than a bit coin, and tiny little bumps covered the surface of each one. He even spotted a wiry little hair coming out the middle of the one on the right. His face wrinkled in confusion.
“Uhhh… what the…” he trailed off. With one of his claws, he poked one of the spots.
"Wait, hold on, don't touch it!" Twilight said with concern. Her horn flashed bright white for a moment, and she teleported to the spot right in front of him, startling Spike and causing him to leap backward. "Here, let me take a look!"
Spike held his hands up, as if surrendering. "Okay, okay, sheesh..."
Twilight craned her neck forward, taking a close look at the spot he had just touched. Her brow furrowed downward as the very center of the spot seemed to rise up from his chest like the top of an undersea volcano emerging from the ocean. She reached out to touch it, but hesitated, her hoof hovering over the little lump for several seconds.
At last, she touched it, feeling how hard the center of it was. Spike kept his hands free from his chest, but he couldn't help but smile at the tickling sensation it brought. She withdrew her hoof after only a second and sat back on the floor, appearing thoroughly flummoxed.
"So... what is it?" Spike inquired. Twilight grimaced.
"Umm... I think we should get you to a doctor..."
...
Spike poked holes in the white crepe paper with his claw, seated on a cushioned exam table. Twilight sat on the floor beside him, occasionally smacking his hands away from his chest whenever she caught him trying to touch one of the strange, reddish spots.
"But it feels kinda good..." he complained.
"Shh."
It took about fifteen minutes before the doctor finally came through the door. A stethoscope lay around his neck, and the cutie mark of a microscope adorned his flank. He looked up from the clipboard he was holding and adjusted his spectacles. When he saw Twilight sitting there, he exhaled deeply.
"Been laying off the hot sauce, Twilight?" he asked. She blushed.
"Yeah... for the most part..." Twilight coughed, pretending to clear her throat. He smirked.
"Yes, yes, I'm sure you have..." He glanced at Spike. "But I see that you've come here for another reason. Because of..."
He paused to refer to his clipboard, and read the symptoms word for word from the sheet of paper. "Mysterious, unknown growths on the chest. Hmm... sounds odd. Let me take a look."
He walked over to Spike, and withdrew a magnifying glass from the pocket of his lab coat. Spike wilted slightly under his inspection as the doctor placed the lens of the magnifying glass over the spots, lifting it up and down, angling the glass this way and that. Spike just stood still, shivering every time the glass surface made brief contact with the spots.
"Mmhm. Mmhm. Oh, I see," the doctor mumbled to himself, making the otherwise silent room that much more awkward. After a full minute of this, the doctor stuck the magnifying glass back into his coat pocket and jotted down something on his clipboard.
"Hmm, yes, I do believe I know what the problem is." He placed the clipboard onto the exam table next to Spike. Twilight raised her eyebrows.
"Really? So you know what's wrong with him?" she asked with hope in her voice. The doctor nodded.
"Yes, I believe I do. Spike here... well..." He removed his spectacles from his face, giving them a good polish, and set them back on his snout. Spike leaned forward to hear the diagnosis.
"... It appear that he has grown a pair of... nipples."
The room fell totally silent. Twilight's face was blank for a moment, devoid of any expression. She blinked slowly.
"Uhh... nipples?" she repeated the word to him. He nodded in affirmation. "Like, nipples nipples?"
"Yes, quite."
Twilight paused, needing to take a moment to digest this new bit of information. Spike went back to staring at his chest with a horrified but nonetheless fascinated gleam in his eye, poking one of his nipples with a claw while Twilight was distracted.
"B-but... but--that doesn't make any sense... he's a dragon! A reptile! Reptiles don't have ni-- those things! And he's a boy!" Twilight's voice gradually rose in volume, sounding higher in pitch with every word. The doctor shrugged.
"Very true. But as you and I can both see, they're still there regardless." He picked his clipboard back up and scribbled some more notes on it with his pen. "Quite odd. Quite odd indeed."
"B-but, but... how could y--" Twilight fumbled with her words, mouth hanging open. "H-how can you just be so... nonchalant about this? I mean, doesn't it worry you even a little bit that Spike goes to bed last night, nipple-free, and then just magically wakes up with nipples the next day?"
The doctor shrugged again, taking a step back as Twilight became angrier. He went back to polishing his spectacles on the collar of his lab coat to avoid eye contact with her.
"Well, I suppose it isn't normal... but I wouldn't be too worried about it," he concluded.
Twilight was speechless. She tried to say something in protest, but incoherent babble was all that could come out. The doctor shoved the pen into its holder at the top of the clipboard and headed toward the door.
"I will schedule a checkup for him a week from now to see how he's feeling." He twisted the knob and opened the door a crack. "And be sure to give him bed rest and plenty of fluids. Or something like that."
Twilight held her hoof up in a plea for him to stop. "But... but he's..."
The doctor had already closed the door behind him, leaving the two of them alone in the examination room. Twilight's hoof fell with a soft clop on the linoleum tile. She turned to Spike.
"That's it. We're... Spike!" she admonished him with a sharp glare, smacking his claw away from his chest for the fifth time that day. He flinched, holding his stinging hand.
"Ow, what? You heard the doctor. And besides, I kind of don't mind..."
Twilight wasn't listening. She grabbed him with her magic and lifted him up from the exam table, carrying him bodily in spite of his mild protests.
"Come on, Spike. This guy may not have been able to solve our dilemma, but I think know just who can tell us what's going on..."
...
Zecora used a wooden spoon to stir a concoction in a small clay pot, which was being heated over the fire pit in the middle of the room. She paid close attention to the color, the appearance of the surface, and prepared for the exact moment when she'd have to take it off the heat...
Her front door slammed open, striking the wall and causing her to holler out in surprise. She dropped the spoon into the pot.
"Zecora! Thank goodness! Spike has nipples and I need your help!"
Twilight was standing in the doorway, with Spike hovering directly behind her. She was breathing heavily, looking like she'd just finished running a Mare-athon. Zecora quickly retrieved the spoon from the pot and coughed into her hoof.
"Um... nipples, pray?" Zecora asked, suddenly very confused. "Nipples...is this what you say?"
"Yes!" Twilight nodded emphatically. She brought Spike over from behind her until he was face to face with the zebra. "Look at it!"
Zecora panned down Spike's body, starting from the neck and ending at his upper chest when saw them. She tapped her chin in thought.
"Hmm. This is strange. Strange indeed. A book on dragons, I must read," she said with an air of wisdom, walking over to where she kept her books. She rifled through the one of the shelves, glossing over the titles written on the book's spines, and then removed one from the shelf. She presented it to both of them, showing off the design of a roaring dragon breathing fire etched into the leather cover.
“A book on dragons I do possess,” she opened it and rifled through the pages, skimming over the words, “that may be able to solve the mystery of nipples on Spike’s chest.”
Twilight’s face lit up with relief. She set Spike down and hugged him to her chest. She’d come to the right place, after all!
“Don’t worry, Spike. Zecora will have you fixed in no time!” she said with a smile of pure joy. Spike, on the other hoof… or hand… only sulked.
“Twi, seriously, it’s not a big deal,” he said. “Zecora’s probably just gonna tell us that it’s nothing to worry about and we can go back home and…”
“Oh. Uh, uh…” Zecora said as her eyes read one of the pages. She closed her eyes, tapping her forehead as she apparently wracked her brain, thinking very hard. She almost seemed to be in pain.
They both frowned with worry.
“Hey… Zecora? What’s wrong? What is it?” Twilight questioned. Zecora looked up from her book and directed her gaze up and to the right, stroking an invisible goatee as she stared at the ceiling.
Finally, she answered.
“I can’t think of a word that rhymes with ‘cancer.’”
Author's Note
There is no logical reason for why this story exists. I am deeply sorry for my shameful actions, and I hope you can all forgive me for the horrors I have committed.
...
Hope you enjoyed!
