Hanky Panky Pinkie Pie

by PegasusMesa

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 5469

Promoting Safe Sex, the Pinkie Pie Way

When a sudden wave of unplanned and unwanted pregnancies sweeps across Ponyville, only one pony can be trusted to handle the crisis—unfortunately, Princess Celestia doesn't feel like getting out of bed, so she pawns the responsibility off on everypony's favorite pink mare.
Now, in order to unravel this conspiracy of sexy proportions, Pinkie Pie must utilize all of her tricks, all of her wiles, and an alter-ego that will go down in history (or maybe not). Oh, and somepony should probably teach her where babies actually come from.

Look out, Ponyville—here comes Hanky Panky, to save the day!

Thanks to JeffCvt for editing!
All hail Alexstrazsa for the flank-kicking cover image.

Published 2014-01-20 21:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-20 21:30:05 UTC

The Birth of a Champion

The morning after the Summer Sun Celebration, Ponyville resembled nothing so much as a war zone, except that the combatants had fought with party streamers, confetti, and food, instead of actual weapons. Long tables lay mostly abandoned, some still adorned with plates of half-eaten cake and nearly empty punch bowls from the previous day’s partying.

A few ponies sluggishly made their way through the mayhem, and some enterprising individuals even made a half-hearted effort to begin the long process of cleaning up, but for the most part, Ponyville gave a sense of abandonment.

Two burly stallions trotted through town, darting through alleys and hiding behind tables in order to avoid those who had managed to pry themselves out of bed. They paused between two houses and peeked down the street to make sure the coast was clear. “Why’s we tryin’ not to be seen, again?” one of them asked, taking a moment to preen his gray wings.

The other stallion, an earth pony, clubbed his companion on the back of the head. “Boss saids not to lets nopony knows what we’s doin’!” he said. “He saids if us gets found out, then us don’ts gets paid!”

“Ya’s didn’t haves to hit me,” the pegasus muttered, rubbing the sore spot. He completely froze when a voice from the main street reached his ears.

“Is somepony there?” it said. The stallions’ bickering immediately stopped as they strained to listen; slow but steady hoofsteps approached their hiding spot.

“Now looks at what ya’s dids, ya mook!” the pegasus said, grabbing the earth pony and launching into the air. “Ya’s gonna gets us caught!” They landed on a roof and peered over the edge.

“Hello?” A purple mare turned the corner and, frowning, stared down the alley. “I could’ve sworn I heard voices over here.”

“Dat’s dat princess,” the pegasus whispered to his companion. “Twiggle Sprinkle, or somethin’.”

“I knows already—” The earth pony’s sentence cut off as the other stallion rammed his hoof down the former’s throat.

“Twiggle Sprinkle” gave the empty lane one last lingering glance before turning to leave. “I guess it was nothing,” she said. “Pinkie’s ‘special punch’ must be making me see things...” Her voice trailed away.

The earth pony yanked the hoof out of his mouth. “What’d ya’s do that for?” he said before receiving another slap on the back of the head. “Ow!”

“Ya’s better keeps yer mouth shut ‘till we’s inside.” The two dropped back to the ground. “Let’s gets goin’.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the afternoon sun blaring down upon her, Pinkie Pie hummed a cheery tune while she bounced down Ponyville's main street. She inhaled the warm midday air with gusto, grinning as she passed out greetings to everypony she saw.

"Hi there!" the earth pony said to a passing couple, before turning to a second pair of ponies. "Good morning! What's hangin'? How're you?" Each group answered with a smile and a wave.

“Hey! Pinkie Pie!” A gust of wind, caused by a pegasus shooting past overhead, yanked Pinkie’s mane backwards. “Wait, nonono!” The pegasus barreled straight into a bale of hay.

Pinkie hopped over and peered at the crashed pony, who pulled herself out and shook detritus out of her rainbow-colored mane. “Hiya, Rainbow! Nice landing!”

“Yeah, thanks,” Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes and dusting off her legs. “I feel like I always have ‘nice landings’ when you’re around.”

“That’s because I’m such a positive influence!” the earth pony said in a sing-song voice. “So, what can Aunty Pinkie do for you?”

“I was going to ask something…” Rainbow tapped her chin with a hoof, deep in thought. “Right! I’m off for the rest of the day, and I just thought up this wicked prank! You want to give it a try? Heh heh, Rarity’ll never see it coming.”

“Oo, sorry, Rainbow, I’d love to, but I can’t,” Pinkie said. “I’m already on my way to Twilight’s. You wanna come along?”

“I would, but—” The pegasus glanced around, as if making sure nopony was sneaking up on them. “—I think she’s after me. I’ve got a few overdue Daring Do books I’m not finished with… You go ahead, and I’ll catch up with you later.”

Pinkie’s innocent laughter lilted through the hot, stifling air. “Okey dokey! We can hang out tomorrow, if you want.”

“Sounds good to me. Have fun at Twilight’s!” Rainbow’s wings started to flap and she lifted into the air. She paused to say, “And, uh… don’t tell her that you saw me, ok?” before giving a brief wave and taking to the sky.

“No problemo, Rainbow!” Pinkie shouted, hoof extended in farewell. She turned to continue to the resident alicorn’s library only to find herself already standing in front of her destination. “Huh,” she said. “That’s convenient!” She bounced her way through the front door.

The usual odors of paper and ink assailed Pinkie as soon as she entered, but a new scent mingled with the old. The earth pony wrinkled her nose and took a few experimental sniffs. “Is Twilight melting rubber or something?” She glanced around, looking for the librarian. "Twiiiiiliiiiiight," she called.

"Sshh!" In the kitchen, Twilight Sparkle squinted and stuck her tongue out while her magic squeezed the bulb-end of a full eye dropper, which hung suspended over a boiling pot. "Just...one...more...drop..." A single bead of fluid detached itself and dripped into the concoction. “Perfect!”

Her eyes bulged when Pinkie’s voice whispered in her ear, “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

"AAAHH!" The eye dropper slipped out of Twilight's grasp and sank deep into the pot’s murky depths. "Nonono, I wasn’t supposed to add that much! Pinkie, get down!" She dove away from the volatile concoction and grabbed her friend, pulling them both behind a table.

“Whee!” Pinkie said.

A few tense seconds passed without incident before the alicorn’s head slowly rose into view; the pot’s contents hadn’t so much as hissed.

“Phew,” Twilight finally said as the two mares made their way forward to investigate. “For a second, I thought it was going to—”

One moment, Pinkie peered over the metal container’s lip at the brown sludge that simmered inside; the next, she found herself splayed against the wall, hurled there by the concussive force caused by a violent explosion. On the stove, the pot had simply disappeared, vaporized by the volatile reaction.

The earth pony coughed up a puff of black smoke. “Spicy,” she said, wiping splattered liquid out of her eyes. “Is this goop what smelt like burnt shoes? What is it?”

Twilight, similarly positioned, groaned as she fell forward onto her hooves. “Well, it was supposed to be onion soup,” she said in a strained voice. “That is, until somepony startled me into adding too much of Luna’s secret ingredient!” She locked her harsh gaze onto Pinkie’s.

“C’mon, Twilight, you have to admit—that was cool!” Pinkie said, giggling. “I mean, it just exploded! Haha…hoo…” Her laughter died in the face of Twilight’s unchanging expression. “Haah… sorry about that.”

“Ugh.” Running a hoof down her face, the alicorn finally looked away. "Now I need to go out and buy a whole new batch of ingredients!" A wave of light from her horn encompassed the two mares, and when it disappeared, not a trace of the mess remained.

"Sheesh, is there anything you don’t have a spell for?" Pinkie followed her friend to the library’s front door.

Twilight slung a pair of saddlebags over her back. “I dont have a spell that will replace those ingredients,” she said.

“Heh heh, good one! Haha… haa…” Once again, Twilight fixed a glare on Pinkie’s face. “I think I have enough bits on me to cover that,” the earth pony said, shrinking back.

“Deep breaths,” Twilight muttered, before she sighed and put a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. "Look, Pinkie...I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't mean to get angry. I just…”

“Twilight?” Pinkie looked into the other mare’s eyes. “We’re all okey dokey, right?”

“Yes, we’re ‘okey dokey’. I’ve just felt a bit off, lately,” the alicorn said. She withdrew her leg and moved to the open door, beckoning for Pinkie to go first. “Jumpy, I guess.”

With the potential crisis averted and all harsh feelings resolved, Pinkie immediately brightened. “I feel jumpy all the time!” she said as she bounced out the door, followed closely by Twilight.

“I didn’t mean ‘literally’ jumpy,” Twilight said, stifling a giggle and locking the library behind her. “I’ve probably just been cooped up inside for too long; a walk to the market is just what I need!”

"Hooray for exercise!” Pinkie said with a leg-pump.

Now that everypony in town had managed to recover from the previous day’s festivities, Ponyville bustled with its normal activity. Nearly all of the decorations had been swept up, leaving only a few tables to be carried back into storage.

"Hey, what brought you to the library, anyway?" Twilight asked. She set an ambling pace down the grassy road.

While she bounced circles around her friend, Pinkie chattered at high speed. "The Cakes are on vacation, so they gave me off, too! But having nothing to do is reeeally really boring, so I thought to myself, ‘Which of my friends should I go see?’ Then I realized that I hadn’t hung out with you in, like, a gazillion years!" To a passing couple, she said, "Heya, you two!"

"Bored, huh? You know, I bet if I asked him nicely, Discord could attempt to throw Equestria into a chaotic nightmare," Twilight said. "Or, maybe Luna can—"

"Hey, Twilight?" The alicorn stopped and looked back to find Pinkie standing stock-still in the middle of the road. “Have you noticed that there are a lot of couples in Ponyville, lately?”

"Are there? I don't really pay attention to that sort of thing." Twilight glanced around. Nearby, two mares cuddled in an umbrella’s shade, and at least five others had a leg around their respective partner. A pair of laughing pegasi darted down an alleyway and out of sight. “Now that you mention it, I guess so.”

"Yeah, there really are! You don't think..." Pinkie slapped a hoof against her cheek and gasped. "You don't think it's an evil plot, do you?!"

"I think you’re on to something," Twilight said, gesturing dramatically with her front legs. "With love and happiness on the rise, dastardly deeds are certainly ahoof!"

"I knew it!” The earth pony ran in place while her head darted back and forth. What're we going to—"

Her friend sighed and pressed a hoof against her forehead. "No, Pinkie, I was being sarcastic! I’m sure it’s nothing but a coincidence." With a leg around Pinkie’s back, Twilight led her down the road, towards the market.

As the two mares passed in front of a round building that was decorated to resemble a monstrous cupcake, a grinning gray stallion with a plate of cupcakes balanced on his back approached the two mares. "Hello there, Princess Twilight! Would you like a free sample?"

Twilight paused and reached her magic out to snag one of the offered treats. "Hmm, don't mind if I do—" Pinkie suddenly grabbed her around the neck and yanked her away; Twilight’s magical grasp dissipated, and the cupcake fell upside-down to the ground.

"No, thank you, we just ate!" Pinkie shouted, pulling the struggling Twilight away. As soon as the stallion was out of sight, Pinkie released her nearly strangled friend.

"Pinkie Pie!” Twilight said in a raspy voice. “What the hay is wrong with you?!"

Pinkie’s hoof raised and pointed accusingly in the direction they had come. "That’s Glint Frosting, the pony who runs the new bakery in town!" she said. "He’s trying to run the Cakes out of business, that meanie!"

"Are you sure about that?” Twilight asked, massaging her sore throat. “He seemed perfectly nice to me. He’s been giving me free cupcakes all week!”

“Yeah, I’m sure!” Pinkie kept herself pressed up against Twilight for the last hundred yards to the market. “I welcomed him into town, but when he found out that I worked at Sugarcube Corner, he got all mean and ignored me!”

“I dunno...You might be reading into it a little too much.” The princess frowned at her friend. “And there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition.”

“Yes, but—”

“Twi! Pinkie!” As the two mares approached the town square, Applejack came forth from behind her apple stand. “How’re y’all doin’? Wait, weren’t you already here today, Twilight?”

“There was a little...accident… with my soup,” Twilight said, glancing at Pinkie, who blushed and giggled. “I need to get a new batch of ingredients.”

“Ah, an ‘accident’,” Applejack said. “If y’all are willin’ to wait, Ah’ll walk with ya as soon as mah relief shows—”

“That’d be me, Ah reckon.” Applejack’s older brother, Big Mac, appeared from a nearby group of ponies.

“Well speak of the devil, here he is,” the farmpony said, clapping him on the back. “Howdy, big bro—um, Twi, you alright?”

Twilight had gone an ashen-gray color and stood stock-still, staring right at Big Mac. After waiting a few moments for an answer, Applejack poked the alicorn in the ribs. “What? Huh? Oh, um…H-hi there, M-Mac.” She hid behind her mane in an astonishingly accurate imitation of Fluttershy.

"Uh, heya, Princess," said Big Macintosh, glancing at Applejack, who just shrugged.

"F-funny running into y-y-you," Twilight said. Her gaze snapped to the ground and stayed there.

“Um… yup?”

What’s going on with her? Pinkie thought. I’ve never seen Twilight acting this shy before!

A few uncomfortable seconds passed in silence. “Get to work, Mac, yer scarin’ the poor mare,” Applejack finally said, shooing her brother away. “Ya wanted to do some shoppin’, right, Twi?”

"What? Oh, yeah..." Twilight cleared her throat and blushed, but her eyes continued to bore holes in the dirt. "Right. Yes! Shopping! That’s what we’re doing! B-bye, M-M-Mac."

Big Mac gave a little wave and took his sister’s place behind the apple cart. "Bye, now."

Pinkie stared at her stuttering friend for a moment longer. That was weird, but... I guess it was nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a darkened room, the two stallion thugs stood before a desk, behind which somepony sat in a chair with its back spun around.

“What does you's mean you's isn’t gonna pays us?!” The gray pegasus thug stomped with such intensity that the stone cracked.

“I think even somepony of your limited intellect can figure that one out,” said the seated pony in a metallic voice. “I promised payment as soon as you completed your work, and it appears that I still have some tasks for you to take care of.”

The earth pony raised a hoof and waved it around. “Wait, but we’s only s’posed to do that one thing! Why’s we’s gotta do more?”

“We’s isn’t!” the pegasus shouted. Wings spread, he launched himself over the table and tackled the chair. “We’s takin’ our money, and gettin’ outta here!” He kicked the chair aside, only to find that its occupant hadn’t been a real pony, but instead a stuffed doll holding a speaker, from which peals of laughter echoed.

“I didn’t think anypony would expect me to actually be there,” the chuckling voice said. “Regardless, you are going to do more work for me, unless you want the authorities to know everything you’ve done so far.”

“That’s dirty,” the pegasus growled.

“It’s also effective. Now, listen carefully.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Early the next morning, before the sun had even arisen, dozens of frenzied screams shattered the silence that hung over Ponyville.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loud snores thundered through the air in the bed chambers of Princess Celestia. Under her quilt and sheets, the sleeping monarch lay with her legs wrapped tightly around a giant stuffed bear. Her wings unfurled and refurled while her eyes darted back and forth beneath closed eyelids.

A high-pitched squeak pierced the snoring as the room’s massive, gilded doors slowly inched open; a pegasus guard poked his head through and glanced around. "Princess Celestia?" the invader asked quietly. Pushing the doors open even further, he winced at the shrieking hinges. “Princess Celeeeeestia?”

The princess's only reply was to roll over, away from the source of the commotion.

"Princess!" he said, louder this time, but still receiving no response. The stallion trotted over and looked down upon his liege. "Hoo, boy, this is awkward. Um, Princess? I need to speak with you."

Celestia's eyelids flickered. "Go 'way," she muttered. As she shifted, the quilt fell away, baring her cutie mark for all to see.

The guard swallowed and averted his eyes. Don’t stare at her flank, don’t stare at her flank, don’t stare at her flank… "P-Princess please wake up. This is very important!"

"Don't wanna." She pulled a pillow over her head.

For a second, his eyes ventured dangerously close to her exposed posterior. Keep it together! You can't get fired on your very first shift! "There is—"

"Don't wanna!"

“Why me?” The guard sighed and walked out. returning with a miniature gong only a moment later. “‘Guard the Princess,' they said,” he muttered. “‘You won’t actually have to do anything,' they said! Then why am I the one who has to wake her up when she’s still tired from the Summer Sun Celebration? I’m going to be scrubbing toilets for a month after she gets through with me…” He took one last look at the sleeping alicorn. “For what it’s worth, Princess, I’m sorry about this."

*BOOOOOONG*

The princess’s eyes shot open as her hooves flailed spasmodically. "What the hay is going—"

"Princess Celestia, there’s something you must see!" The guard placed his "alarm clock" on the ground and moved to the monarch's bedside. “I have—”

A raised leg halted his speech. "You could have said something to me before resorting to a gong," Celestia said, turning her bleary gaze his way. A wide yawn cracked her jaws.

He opened his mouth to protest. "But I did—"

"Well, I’m up now. What’s important enough for you to wake me up so early?" She stretched her neck and back.

The pegasus winced as the princess’s ligaments loudly popped. I hate it when ponies do that... "Princess, apparently there’s a problem in Ponyville," he said. He pulled forth an envelope and placed it before her. "This is an urgent correspondence from Ponyville’s Mayor Mare."

With a final yawn, Celestia picked up the letter. "I suppose I have no choice, then." She unfolded the parchment and skimmed over its contents. "'Disaster in Ponyville’—well, that’s nothing new—‘dark magic suspected’—also nothing new—‘yadda yadda dozens of pregnancies’—wait, what? Pregnancies?!" The letter fell back to her lap as her magical grasp gave way.

"Ah, yes, that appears to be the, um, case," the guard said, shuffling back and forth on his hooves.

"Ugh, this is the last thing I want to deal with, right now..." Celestia suddenly sat up and straightened her back. "Guard, bring me that small chest, if you would be so kind." Her hoof pointed at a box, sitting on a nearby dresser.

"Yes, Princess!" He trotted over and eagerly retrieved the wooden case. As soon as he dropped it onto the mattress, Celestia’s magic opened it and pulled out a six-sided die that sported the faces of Twilight Sparkle and her friends, one on each side.

Wait, old Mucker told me about this, the guard thought, remembering the elder guard’s stories about the “Cube of Decisions”, or some such nonsense. But everypony else said he was just pulling my leg!

"Alright, let's see who it's gonna be," the princess muttered. She flicked the die with a hoof and sent it spinning through the air. It landed on the ground and rolled around for a few moments before coming to a rest.

When he saw which side faced up, the guard gasped. "Princess, surely you should do a re-roll—"

"The Cube of Decisions has spoken! Er... rolled. Whatever." Celestia flopped backwards, hugging her stuffed bear tightly. "When I wake up in a few hours, remind me that I need to write a letter. Good night!"

Probably best not to argue, if I want to keep my job. “Good night, Princess.” The stallion ambled back out of the royal chambers and into the hallway. The princess had already fallen back into her slumber, if the snores were any indication. "I hope the princess knows what she's doing..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That morning saw Pinkie Pie up and about bright and early, looking for something to occupy herself. "All that screaming from this morning was pretty creepy!" she said to her pet alligator, Gummy, who rode on his owner's back as she wandered aimlessly through Ponyville. "How ya doin'?" she asked a nearby mare.

The pony gave a halfhearted wave before continuing on her way. Pinkie noticed that the mare's stomach bulged out slightly.

"I think she ate a bit too much for breakfast," Pinkie whispered, just loudly enough for Gummy to hear. "No wonder she looked so depressed; her tummy's gotta hurt like the dickens!"

Angry mutterings wafted through the air, drawing Pinkie's attention. The noise came from a crowd of ponies that stood outside of the Ponyville hospital. Ever curious, Pinkie waltzed over to investigate.

"What's got everypony so down, Daisy?" she asked an earth pony standing on the outskirts. Gummy latched onto his owner’s mane with his toothless jaws.

"Can't you tell?" Daisy said.

Pinkie shook her head. "Nope!"

"Take a guess." The pony patted her protruding belly; a few of the other mares in the crowd, each with the same affliction, looked at Pinkie and similarly poked their stomachs.

"Wow, you all ate too much?" Pinkie chirped. "That's crazy!"

Daisy slapped a hoof against her forehead. "Ugh, nevermind," she said to Pinkie.

"'Nevermind' wha—"

A pair of stallions dressed in official-looking regalia dropped a tiny riser on the ground in front of the hospital doors. Mayor Mare hopped up and cleared her throat loudly.

“Everypony, may I have your attention, please?” she said. “I know that you are all disturbed, understandably so. However, I have the assurances of Dr. Candor Toot, here—” She beckoned to a bearded yellow stallion. “—that you will have all the help and support that you need to get through this difficult time!”

"When I eat too much, all I need to do is take a nap to feel better," Pinkie whispered to Gummy.

“Ja, eet’s true,” shouted Candor Toot, white coat billowing as he stepped up beside the mayor. “All of you can take solace in ze fact zat I haff experience in zis type of pandemic!” He toyed with the stethoscope that dangled from his neck. “Now, I shall see ze next patient!”

With everypony paying attention to the doctor, Pinkie’s attention began to wander, and she turned to leave.

Suddenly, a pegasus stallion, garbed in the armor of a royal guard and bearing a scroll, fell out of the sky and landed heavily nearby. "Excuse me," he said, "is there a—” A pause ensued as he scanned the name written on the letter. “—'Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie' present?"

"Oo, oo, me me me!" Pinkie said.

"A letter, from Princess Celestia," the stallion said. He passed over the scroll and spread his wings. "We're counting on you."

“Thank you thank you!” the earth pony said, pulling him into a tight hug. “I’m gonna go read it right now! See ya, Daisy! Bye, Star Struck! Arriverderci, everypony!” With Gummy hanging onto her mane for dear life, Pinkie galloped down the street and was soon out of sight.

“How did she know my name?” asked Star Struck the Guard, straightening his helmet.

Daisy patted him on the back. “It’s Pinkie Pie; you learn not to worry about it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dropping onto her bed, Pinkie held the scroll up reverently. "Wooo, mail! I never get mail! Alright, Gummy, let's see what it says." She ripped the seal off and dug in.

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I wish that this letter came under better circumstances, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I just received word about the crisis that has befallen Ponyville. By now, you have certainly heard about the strange pregnancies

"Hmm… Nope, haven't heard a thing!" Pinkie said.

that have afflicted a great number of mares. The nature of the issue gives me reason to believe that these pregnancies are not natural. Clearly, somepony must get to the bottom of this mystery, and I have chosen you to be that pony. I have complete confidence in

The rest of the letter went unread as the parchment slipped from Pinkie's slack hooves. Her eyes teared up and her body began to shake. "YES!" she shouted, virtually bouncing off of the walls. "Yes yes yes! I'll do it, I'll do it! Finally, Pinkamena Diane Pie gets to be the superhero! Hoo—" Pinkie paused mid-cheer while a wide grin spread across her face. "I... I get... I get to be a superhero! Woohooo!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You need me to make a what now, dear?" Rarity asked, expression blank.

"I need a costume!" Inside Rarity's boutique, Pinkie bounced in place while she spoke with the fashionista herself.

"And what might you need a costume for, if I may ask?" the unicorn said.

"Oh, um, you know..." Avoiding eye-contact with her friend, Pinkie kept her gaze on the ceiling as she scuffed a hoof against the floor. "Just for costume stuff."

"Oh, of course—'costume stuff'. How ever could I have thought otherwise?" The unicorn rolled her eyes. "Pinkie, you cannot simply make such an outlandish request and then refuse to explain yourself! Can't you trust me?"

"No, that's not—" Pinkie started, but she cut herself off and sighed. "Alright, I'll tell you, but you have to promise to keep this a secret!"

"Of course! I promise not to tell a soul!" Rarity cringed under her friend's scrutiny. "Fine, I Pinkie Promise.”

"Okay..." said the mollified mare. "Princess Celestia wrote a letter asking me to investigate some random pregnancies, and—"

"Random pregnancies?!" the unicorn exclaimed. "They aren't just 'some random pregnancies'! At least twenty of the poor dears stood outside of the hospital this very morning—I saw them with my own two eyes!"

Pinkie’s eyes opened wide. "Wow, they were all pregnant?! Maybe that's why they got mad when I said that they had eaten too much..."

"You know, you might be onto something, there,” Rarity said, pulling out her measuring tape and notebook. “Regardless, I think I understand why you want a costume. Hmmm… We need something that will bring out the color in your eyes…” At least a dozen bolts of material, suspended by her magic, flew out of the closet and spun around the two mares. "Blue? No, too garish. And this green is far too pale… Aha, I've got it! Stand still, if you would." She whipped out a length of orange cloth and wrapped it around Pinkie’s legs. "So, what have you decided to call yourself?"

"Huh?" the earth pony said, eyes widening.

Rarity sighed and momentarily paused in her dress making. "If you plan on pursuing justice, then you must have a name befitting your station! I suppose we can discuss this while I work, yes?” Her scissors cut a sheet of yellow fabric into strips.

"I haven't gotten that far, yet," Pinkie said, wincing when a measuring tape tightened around her stomach.

"Well, what would you like to be called?" Rarity said. Her tongue poked out of her mouth while she quickly wrote down Pinkie’s measurements.

"Hmmmm..." The earth pony scratched the back of her head. "How about 'Pinkie Pie'?"

Rarity sighed and levitated more cloth out of the closet. "Your real name simply won’t do, Pinkie."

Numerous sheets of fabric lay draped across Pinkie's back. "Ok, then howsabout... Oo! Oo! What about 'Rainbow Dash'?"

"I'm afraid that one's already taken,” Rarity sang while she arranged the cloth.

"Well, then... oh, I could be 'Pinkie Pie'!" The unicorn's magic brought forth a needle, which she expertly used to sew the costume together.

"Focus, darling!" Rarity said. "If you’ll allow me to lend assistance, I believe that we can get to the bottom of this. What do you wish to accomplish by taking a new identity?" The scissors quickly cut through a length of material.

"I want to be a hero that all the little fillies and colts can look up to!" Pinkie waved her front hooves in the air, knocking the partially-completed costume off of her back. "Heh heh, sorry," she said when her friend groaned. "I'll stand still.” Rarity levitated the spandex back to its proper place and fell into a fit of stitching and sewing.

"I meant, what specifically are you trying to accomplish? Oh splendid—I believe we're about done!" A final snap of the scissors heralded the completion of her newest work. The unicorn stepped back to get a better look.

The costume was mostly orange spandex, with yellow capping the ends of her legs, and covered Pinkie's entire body, except for her head.

“Ooo, stretchy!” Pinkie said, pulling at the fabric and giggling when it snapped back.

"Hmm, it's missing something..." Rarity mumbled. Suddenly, her face brightened as inspiration hit. "Ah! How could I have forgotten?" The scissors attacked a scrap of fabric, creating a small mask in no time. She carefully placed it over Pinkie's eyes. "Aaaand... done!” She stepped back to get a better look. “Oh my, dear, you look marvelous!"

Pinkie looked at herself in the mirror. "Wow, this is perfect! Nopony will be able to tell it's actually me!" she said, turning to look at the costume from a different angle.

"Of course, what ever did you exp—" The chiming of the bell above the boutique's door interrupted Rarity as Twilight Sparkle pranced in.

"Hi, Rarity! How are y—" The alicorn paused when she saw the costumed Pinkie. "Why's Pinkie wearing spandex?"

The earth pony gasped and tears filled her eyes. "How did you know it was me?!"

Rarity patted her costumed friend on the back. "There, there, dear; it's alright, Twilight can only tell because she's very intelligent. Any other pony would have been utterly fooled."

"Well, actually—" Twilight coughed loudly when Rarity directed a glare her way. "Erm, I mean, yeah, you look like a completely different pony!"

"If you say so..." Pinkie sniffed and looked down.

“Sooo,” the alicorn said slowly, "you still haven't told me why you're dressing Pinkie up like a superhero.”

Immediately, Pinkie snapped out of her slump. "Oh! That's right!" she said, reaching into the depths of her tail to pull forth Princess Celestia's letter. "The princess wants me to solve the 'Mystery of the Pregnant Mares'!" She passed the parchment to Twilight.

"Is that what we're calling it, now?" Rarity muttered.

“Huh,” Twilight said, perusing the letter’s contents. “I don’t know why Princess Celestia didn’t ask me, but… I’m willing to help you out, if you need it.” Her hoof stroked her chin thoughtfully. “There’s clearly some type of magic being used; mares don’t just get six-months pregnant overnight, after all.

“That’s a good point!” Pinkie said, drooping her leg over the alicorn’s shoulders. A sly look passed over her masked features. “You know, if you want, I’ll let you be my sidekick!”

Twilight ducked out of Pinkie’s grasp. “I think I’ll pass on that. Anyway, do you even have a plan?”

“Psh, who needs that?” Pinkie scoffed. “All I need to do is go out at night in these duds, and everything’ll be just peachy!”

Rarity cleared her throat to get Pinkie's attention. "We still haven't settled on a proper name for you, dear."

"That's right!" Pinkie sat on her haunches and scrunched her face up in concentration. "Where were we, again?"

"I had asked you what, specifically, you aim to accomplish by assuming an alter-ego," the unicorn said.

Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow. "This one's pretty obvious," she said. "All you need to do is stop all of the reckless hanky panky that ponies are doing, and everything'll be fine."

"Ooooo," Rarity cooed, clapping her hooves together. "You could be 'Hanky Panky'! You must admit, it has a certain ring to it."

Pinkie waved absently. "Nah, we can do better than that." The unicorn ignored her and cut an "H" and "P" out of yellow cloth. "So, I need to find out who's putting the little ponies in these mares' bellies," Pinkie mused while Rarity sewed the letters onto the costume's chest.

"You're kidding, right?" Twilight said. "We already know who put the foals there!"

"Really?!" The earth pony grabbed her friend by the shoulders. "C'mon, tell me! Then I can go bring 'em to justice!"

Pregnant silence reigned for a few seconds. "Pinkie, darling," Rarity finally said as she put her sewing materials away, "has anypony ever told you where babies come from?"