Pony Hellsingby UniqueSKDChaptersChapter One - Annoying The Pony Who Kills With Magic Wires Is A Bad Idea...Chapter Three - And Here Comes Another New Character!Chapter Two - The Vampony You Are Calling Is Currently Eviscerated. Please Try Again LaterChapter One - Annoying The Pony Who Kills With Magic Wires Is A Bad Idea...Pony Hellsing IMPORTANT! = This story is a parody of the anime show 'Hellsing'. More specifically, it is a parody of the Abridged version of the show. There will be much use of naughty language and sexual references. Otherwise, enjoy the story! You blood-sucking Edward Cullen-wannabe fuckbuckets! ========== Luna's night sky was brightened by her thousands of of tiny stars which dotted the darkened heavens of her beautiful canvas, and also by the light of her magnificent moon, which shone down upon the foreboding Everfree Forest below. Save for the screeching of some bats out on the hunt, and the occasional hooting of an owl somewhere within the forested area, everything was otherwise cryptically peaceful, eerily quiet. Or at least it was, until somepony started to sing to himself, as he stood concealed behind a thick bush, urinating on to the forest floor. "I'm taking a whizz, I'm having a wee, I'm singin' bout' piss, while releasing my pee", sang Unique, swaying his head side to side as he drained his stallionhood of its pent-up liquid waste. "Are you nearly done yet?", an annoyed voice exclaimed from behind Unique. "You've been back there for over seven minutes now! Nopony pisses for THAT long!" Unique shouted back over his shoulder, "Well, I can't help it if Unique Jr. needs to be emptied now, can I?". The flow of his urine began to slow down at that moment. "Hold on, I'm about done here." When his flow of urine came to a halt, Unique shook off the last few drops from his member, before tucking it away into its sheath. Kicking a pile of dirt over the yellow puddle he had made, Unique turned around to exit the bush, straightening his hat as he went his way. "Alright, alright, I'm done. We can go now." Unique glanced over to the tree which his companion was leaning against. He was a grayish-coated zebra with black stripes, though he had upon his head a unicorn's horn, which he had explained long ago was due to his parent's breeds (his father was a zebra, his mother a unicorn). Unique found it funny he actually remembered hearing that. He could have sworn he was ignoring him at the time. Oh well. The zebra/unicorn was fidgeting with several strands of glowing ethereal wire between his hooves. These wires were created by his magic, and served as his primary weapon of choice in battle, extending the length of these wires and slicing his opponent's into bloody ribbons, clean through their flesh and bone like a heated knife through butter. He also wore a short brown vest over his torso, the insides of which had pockets where he kept special Sound Crystals. He used these to record and playback the agonizing screams of his enemies as he obliterated them, apparently a past-time hobby of his. His disturbing hobby was probably why he and Unique got along so well as if they were the best of friends (sarcastic emphasis on 'friends'; they hated each other, really). Who wouldn't enjoy falling asleep at night with the sounds of dying ponies looping over and over again in their ears? The zebra glared at Unique with blood-red spheres, his annoyance at having to wait for the pegasus to finish going potty transparent on his face. "That's eight minutes now you've been back there," he grunted. "Who the fuck pisses for eight minutes?" Unique bared a chesty smile, revealing his fangs, stained red with blood, glimmering in the light of Luna's moon. "Your mother, that's who, Walter!", he cheekily replied. The zebra rolled his eyes and leaned away from the tree, so that he stood upright upon all four hooves. "First of all, as I tell you over and over again, my name is Cobalt, not Walter," Cobalt said flatly, eyes narrowed at Unique, "and secondly, if you're going to give me a comeback, at least TRY to make it clever." Unique lowered his head, but kept his gaze fixed on Cobalt, and a grin on his face. "If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth.", he chuckled darkly. A splatter of blood coated the tree behind Unique, as Cobalt, standing on his hind legs, willed his magical wires to slice off the pegasus' right arm, using his hooves to co-ordinate his attack. It lay upon the forest floor, twitching and writhing. Unique looked down to it, and laughed. "Oh come on now, Cobalt," he said, as he bent down to pick up his severed arm. He pointed to the not-so-amused zebra with the arm in his hoof. "I was only kidding, buddy. I'm sorry.". Cobalt relaxed a little as he said this, and his wires began to fade away as he cancelled his magic. "Your mother actually swallowed the lot!", Unique quickly added, with a madpony's smile. More blood splattered across the tree as Unique's remark lost him his other arm, both of them lying on the ground in front of him, both twitching, slowly dyeing the green grass red with blood. The zebra stared hard at the armless-pegasus, readying his magical wires. "Anything else you want to add? Or do I need to cut you down to size, literally?". Cobalt's voice was serious, cold. He didn't take well to Unique's sense of humor most times, though he did find slicing the cocky bastard up now and then to be therapeutic, in an odd, sickening, deranged sort of way. Unique was about to make another remark when suddenly... Shake that flank at me, shake that flank at me, oh girl, shake that flank at me, shake that flank at me... Cobalt raised an eyebrow at Unique, his glowing wires wavering a little. "What the hell is that?" "Oh, that be my ringtone, bro," answered the pegasus, still smiling his mad grin. "You like it? It be bitchin', yeah? It's Emin-Mare? Get it? Huh? Get it? Emin-Mare?". No response. Cobalt just stared at Unique expressionlessly. Silence fell between them for the few awkward moments that followed, save for the sound of the ringtone still looping the same line over and over again. Unique coughed. "Yeah, well, anyway, I'm just going to take this call now." He chuckled. "You know how much of a boner-killer the boss is, am I right? Right?" No response. Cobalt just stood there and looked at him expressionlessly still. "Ah, go play with traffic, ya sour puss." The pegasus then began to shuffle his shoulders, grunting in agitation. He then remembered that he was lacking what he need to get the phone out of his coat pocket. Arms. And both of his arms were on the ground right by him. "Well...shit." Unique looked to Cobalt again, putting on an innocent puppy-eyed face for the zebra. "Would you mind taking this call for me?", cooed Unique, batting his eyes at the unimpressed Cobalt. "I'd answer it myself, but, well...", he nodded to his bleeding shoulders, "right now I'm as disabled as the Black Knight from that Monty Python movie I like." He gave a short giggle. "Heh heh, 'flesh wound'. Funny shit right there. It's funny cause' he's obviously screwed." Cobalt sighed wearily as he strolled over to Unique. "Pull yourself together, won't you?", he said as he reached inside of the pegasus' right pocket. Not finding anything in there, he searched the other pocket. Nothing in there either. "Have you tried looking between my butt cheeks?", suggested Unique, smirking. "Screw off, Unique!", Cobalt spat in angered annoyance. "For once, could you just not be...yourself?" Unique bit his lip, which he regretted doing quickly after, since he accidentally cut it with his sharp fang. Spitting out his blood, he cleared his throat and replied to Cobalt, in an awkward tone, "Actually, it, er, wasn't a joke. I seriously meant checking my ass." Cobalt deadpanned. "What?" Unique gave an awkward chuckle. "I sometimes keep my phone in my ass, so that if and when the boss calls during or before a mission, she speaks to my butthole, okay?", he explained. Cobalt blinked. "Why would you do that?" Unique shrugged. "She talks crap most of the time. I thought she'd get along well with my ass." Cobalt stared at him in disbelief. "Please tell me you are taking the piss here, Unique." Unique shook his head. "Sorry, Cobalt. Looks like the one time you want me to be serious is the last time you'll ask me to be, eh?" Cobalt backed away from the pegasus in disgust. "I am NOT putting my hoof anywhere near your ass, you sick creature!", he exclaimed. "Well, maybe if you didn't sever my arms, we wouldn't have had to cross this bridge, would we?", Unique stated matter-of-factly. "Besides, what if it's something very important? The boss could be in danger for all we know, and this is a distress call. Would you want to take that risk?", he pointed. He began to turn around for the zebra, whose face had contorted into a look of disgust and embarrassment. He bent over, causing the zebra to turn his head away, throwing his hooves up in front of his face. "Be gentle, please," Unique laughed, unable to resist ignoring the hilarity of the situation right now. This was the sort of thing one would expect to see in some cheap cheesy comedy show, or in some low-rated comical story Funny enough about that last one though... Cobalt took a quick peek at Unique's butt. He sighed in defeat, and waved his hoof in the air, making an imaginary crucifix. "Celestia show mercy on me and us all," he prayed, as his hoof moved slowly towards Unique's rear, the pegasus giggling all the while. Cobalt closed his eyes as he prepared for the inevitable. His hoof was just a few inches from touching Unique's rear. "Just a little more, now," piped Unique, teasingly. Cobalt's hoof was so close now, only an inch. "Almost arriving in poo-bay, Cobalt." Cobalt braced himself for contact... And instead felt a rush of wind blow into his face, a rush of wind straight through his mane, and a burning sensation in his eyes. The air suddenly smelled foul and unpleasant, the stench causing Cobalt to choke and gasp for oxygen. His asphyxiation dilemma was interrupted by the sound of a hysterical laughing fit. He then saw, much to his confusion and shock, Unique rolling around on the ground, his face red with glee as his legs flailed wildly and pounded the forest floor. "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOTALLY FUCKING BOUGHT THAT! A PHONE UP MY ASS? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I KEEP IT IN MY ARM SLEEVE THE WHOLE TIME! OH CELESTIA CHRIST, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Cobalt covered his nose with a hoof to prevent the foul smell from offending his senses, and looked over to where the pegasus' arms lay. He saw something vibrating inside one of the severed sleeves, shaking wildly. Cobalt could have sworn at that moment he popped a blood vessel somewhere, as absolute rage overcame the zebra, his face red from the humiliation, and the incredible feeling of seething fury building inside of him. He was practically a volcano set to explode. "Oh for the love of Celestia, you are just a treat, Cobalt!", laughed Unique, as he started to calm down from his hysterical fit. He was about to wipe the tears streaming down his face, but remembered his lack of arms. He frowned in irritation. He was going to have to ask Cobalt to hold them close to his shoulders so that they could reattach themselves. That was the best thing about being a vampony, he supposed; he could regenerate his limbs and body parts, so long as they were close enough to him. Well, actually, the best thing about being a vampony was that he got to stay up as late as he wanted. He'd still be up watching late-night mare-on-mare movies, while everypony else was in bed, getting their 'beauty sleep' so they could get up and go to work in the morning, in some shitty office where their boss constantly yelled at them all day. Which, now that Unique thought about, was pretty much how things were for him. Huh, perhaps there wasn't much difference after all. Unique shrugged, and sat himself up. "Hey, Cobalt," he called out, not looking in his direction, "you wouldn't mind helping me put my arms back on, would you?" No response. "Cobalt?", Unique asked again. No response. Unique rolled his eyes. "Oh, come now, Cobalt," he groaned, turning his head in the zebra's direction. "You're not mad with me, are you?" Unique's eyes shrank, his face contorted into an expression of terror, and he felt a huge lump in his throat, as he saw hundreds and hundreds of long glowing wires heading straight for him, brutal and sharpened, their owner, Cobalt, staring poisoned daggers at the pegasus, baring his teeth in pure anguish. Before the wires ripped into his body, Unique sighed to himself. "Oh, fuck all kinds of duck..." Chapter Three - And Here Comes Another New Character!Vinyl Scratch's chest was hurting. Her hooves were aching like hell, and her lungs were on the brink of giving out. Her heartbeat was pounding away like a jackhammer. Her adrenaline was higher than it had ever been before in her life, even more than it was during her dubstep concerts and performances. And her adrenaline was pretty high during her dubstep concerts. Except the difference between them and her situation now was that she usually was running away from fans, and not literally for her very own life. Oh for bucking Celestia's sake, I'm such a bucking idiot!, Vinyl mentally cursed herself as she leaped over the husk of what had once been a tree, before it had fallen possibly due to Time's cruel aging fate, or some other unimportant-as-of-now reason. Vinyl wanted to look back, to see if that...that thing, whatever in the holy sacred name of Luna it could have been, was still chasing her, but she feared that if she did so, the moment she saw that it wasn't following her and looked back in front would be when the creature would appear, just like in the horror movies. Only this wasn't a movie. And since her body was aching with pain and exhaustion, there wasn't much chance of this whole thing being a bad dream, either. Vinyl darted between a couple of trees after making a hard turn to the left, thinking that perhaps she could buy a couple of seconds of precious distance time by alternating her route. Her chaser might assume she would continue running straight, so maybe this could throw it off a bit? No such luck. Once more, she heard that same sinister hissing, and she knew that if she'd turn her head back right now, she'd be looking into those horrible eyes again. Those terrible eyes that expressed inpony, murderous intent and cruelty. Why did I open my bucking big mouth?, the thought raced through the DJ's mind as she resumed her sprint in this race of life-and-death. Why didn't I just agree with Tavi that Mozart could easily beat Skrillex in a rap battle? Buck, why did I even think a walk through the woods at night to calm down was even a good idea in the first place? Vinyl's eyes began to water as the pain afflicting her muscles started to get to her. Hours of running with very little time to stop and rest had finally caught up, and the strain Vinyl was putting on herself was becoming too much now. Too busy with her thoughts and the pain, Vinyl failed to notice the broken tree branch in front of her until it was too late. Her foreleg hit the wood, causing her to trip over and roll several meters across the forest floor, before coming to a stop and laying flat against the ground. Vinyl, dazed from the ordeal, attempted to stand back up, but the new pain she felt in her foreleg kept her from doing so. Oh no...no, no, no, please! Not now! I don't wanna die! Please, please! She tried again to stand, gritting her teeth as she put her weight upon her leg. The pain shot up from her sprained hoof and all over her already-aching body, and tears streamed from her watering eyes. Slowly though, she succeeded in rising onto all fours, but when she tried to take a step forward, it was quickly made clear that she wasn't going to be moving any quicker than the snail pace she was going at now, and not without hurting herself with each step. Vinyl gulped as she realized that this was the end of the road for her. That thing would only be seconds away from finding her. And when it found her... She managed to hobble over to the side of a tree, and lean her body against the rotting bark. She turned herself around, and though hesitant at first, she forced herself to look back along the path she had taken. If she was going to die here, she might as well retain some dignity and face her executioner. She watched with frightened eyes for any sign of her chaser, her body shaking and trembling. She waited for those red eyes to appear suddenly out of the darkness before her, and those wickedly rows of bloody teeth. She waited. She waited a little longer. She waited a little longer more. She waited a whole minute. She even pulled out a deck of cards and played Solitaire. Nothing. No sign of the creature. Just eerie silence, not even a sound of approaching hoofsteps. Not even the sound of rustling leaves and foliage to suggest something was even moving towards her. A small ray of hope worked its way into her mind. Had...had the beast perhaps...given up on her? Was she safe? Did this mean she would get to go home and see Octavia again? Her tense body began to relax at the thought, and she signed in relief. If the creature had indeed given up chasing her, she didn't care what reason for. All she wanted to do now was find a way out of this Celestia-be-damned forest and return home, back to Octavia, back to her - their - bedroom, and back to her - their - warm and comfy bed, snuggled up to their - no, wait, 'her' - musical marefriend. Her injured hoof would surely make the task take longer than she would have preferred, but at least for now she was safe from harm... "Hey." The pony whipped her head around, to meet a terrifying pair of eyes, accompanied by a most horrific grin, just inches from her face. Vinyl's blood froze, as did her body. Her eyes widened, her pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks. The hairs of her mane, tail, and white coat stood on end, and she held her breath. Paralyzed with dread she didn't believe possible, she looked like a living statue, her posture perfectly still and silent, like a still image of a scene from a horror movie. Vinyl's jaw dropped. She wanted to scream, tried to scream, but only a deathly quiet whimper came out. Her pursuer's grin widened, stretching its lips until Vinyl could see the gums of its mouth. "Just so you know," said the creature, its voice raspy and dark, "you are now fucked." And Vinyl Scratch was finally able to scream. ELSEWHERE IN THE FOREST... Cobalt rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time that night. "Celestia damn it, Unique. Will you fucking pull yourself together already?" Unique turned his head to look at Cobalt. The striped unicorn did look awfully funny being upside-down. It made his frown look like a smile from this point of view. The sky being replaced with grass and leaves, with big tall trees growing downwards rather than upwards was rather strange, though. Down below, Unique could see the moon, its magnificent ghostly pale-white glow just about piercing through the tops of the trees, shining little rays of light up at him. That's how the world looks when your head is hanging from your neck by a single tendon. "Hey, Cobalt? I just realized something. I kinda look like one of those Necromorph fuckers from Dead Space! You know, the one that decapitates your head and takes over your body? He he he!" Cobalt raised an eyebrow at the mad pony vampire, his head swinging gently side to side as they both walked through the forest. He never would be able to understand what in Equestria Unique was on about. Half of the bullshit that came out of that mouth of his just made absolutely no sense to anypony save for the vampony himself. Who or what the Tartarus was a Necromorph anyway? And what was Dead Space? Unique chuckled as his body grabbed his loose head with its hooves and lifted it back onto the base of his neck. The flesh and muscle slowly began to reattach themselves together, uniting Unique's head with the rest of his body. The insane vampony then cracked his neck, and looked at his unimpressed companion. "There. Pulled together. I should probably thank you for not ripping my heart to pieces, by the way. That would have been the end of me for sure." Cobalt coughed as his eyes shifted left and right. "Er, yeah sure. I, er, meant to avoid doing that..." Unique's smile disappeared, replaced with a frown. "Come again?" A loud scream made the two ponies pause in their tracks, their ears perked up (well, three and a half ears, anyway, as Unique was still in the process of regenerating the missing half of his right ear). The cry sounded feminine, and from how loud it was, who or whatever it was had to be pretty close by. Cobalt and Unique looked to one another for a few seconds, before Cobalt's horn flared alight as his magic ignited, his vicious magically-summoned wires floating around himself. Unique whipped out a pair of large handguns from out of his coat pockets, one plated silver and the other plated black in color. Both handguns had a sticker along the side of their slides. The one on the silver-plated weapon read 'BITCHES LOVE CANNONS' in bright red lettering, while the sticker on the slide part of the black-plated handgun read 'CHECK YO' PRIVILEGES!', also in bright red lettering. "Never mind, Cobalt," Unique said, his twisted grin once again plastered upon his pale face, as he began running off into the trees in the direction of where the scream had came from.. "We're going back in business!" Author's Note Yes, I know it's not that good a chapter, but I type whatever shit comes into my head, so if you want a better Hellsing Abridged parody story, then go find someone else. Otherwise, sit down, shut up, and keep reading this pile of shit I call a story. XD Assuming you still are reading this awful crap of mine, the next chapter will definitely be where the action starts. I promise. Lots of blood and guts and entrails and all that crap you love from Hellsing. Oh, and Alucard-references. Gotta have those too... Chapter Two - The Vampony You Are Calling Is Currently Eviscerated. Please Try Again LaterChapter Two - The Vampony You Are Calling Is Currently Eviscerated. Please Try Again Later "Luna damn him to the pits of Tartarus! Why hasn't he answered already?" Lady 'Integra' Redheart tapped the polished mahogany surface of her desk impatiently with her hoof, a scowl on her face. She held the phone in her other hoof, listening to the sound of the dial tone repeating itself over and over. Outside of the window behind her, the moon rested high above in the night sky, casting a luminous pale-white light into her office, illuminating the room with a mix of shadows and light at once. Outside, the Hellsing estate bathed in the magnificent pale glow of the moon. No pony would ever have thought that, of all ponies, the mare everypony knew as Nurse Redheart, a hard-working member of the staff at Ponyville Hospital, was also the head of a top secret organization dedicated to hunting down the monsters that thrived in the darkness, and keeping the kingdom of Equestria safe from the evil they thought existed only in the realms of fairy-tales and campfire stories. Even the princesses knew not of the existence of Hellsing. If everypony knew the truth, they'd understand why she was often so aggressive as well. Being the head of an organization whose existence was kept hidden from the world was an incredibly active job. There were some nights when she never got more than an hour's worth of rest, before she had to continue her masquerade as a nurse back at the hospital during the day, before resuming her role as Lady Redheart once more when night came. Then there was the night job itself. Every night, there was always another freak of nature that suddenly thought to itself, 'Hey, I feel like slaughtering some innocent ponies tonight, and maybe even try to conquer all of Equestria! Yes, I think I'l do just that!', and every night, it was Lady Redheart who had to sit at her desk and listen to reports regarding where the villain was last seen, what kind of resistance to expect, this, that, and the rest of the crap that followed. And as they talked, she'd be handed photographs taken from their orbiting satellite networks, showing all sorts of nasty, gruesome shit. Redheart was thankful she worked in a hospital. The experience she had with assisting doctors with surgery procedures helped make her less squeamish when presented with images of ponies with half their body organs hanging messily from their guts, with maggots and flies spread all over their corpses to lay eggs or feed off of the decomposing flesh. Just once, it would be nice if the pony giving the report didn't sound so depressing all the time. Granted, she didn't expect there to be party cannons and dance music when discussing bloody massacres and murderous monsters, but the reporting ponies always sounded so cardboard, as though their marefriend had refused to help them lose their virginity or something, and they had taken it as a sign that it was the end of all things as they knew it. And from the way most of them dressed, Redheart would have been very surprised if they ever even got as far as second-base. What kind of pony wore a green tie with a grey suit? The clicking sound of a door handle being turned made Redheart look up. Her door opened, and into her office stepped a stallion, his coat a dark grey color, his eyes amber, and his mane blue-silver. He had an insignia on his chest, which displayed the Hellsing symbol, a custom emblem worn by all members of the organization. As he stepped into the room, he gave a small polite bow to the mare, before straightening himself and closing the door behind him. He approached the desk and stood to attention. "Good evening, ma'am," the stallion greeted. "How are you on this lovely night of Luna's making?" Of all the ponies who served the Hellsing organization, Thunderlane was one of Redheart's few favorites. He had joined the organization some couple of years ago, when Unique, along with Redheart herself, saved him and his little brother, Rumble, from a horde of vamponies. Though it took quite a few weeks worth of visits to a professional psychologist to get Rumble through his trauma, after Unique incidentally splattered the poor foal with blood as he killed the vamponies, Thunderlane was nevertheless grateful. It was Redheart personally who saved his flank, and he felt indebted to her for it. Since then, he had served as her personal assistant, whom she turned to often for advice when he wasn't busy preparing her drink of tea, gathering and sorting out documents, or having to summon the janitor to clean up the trail of blood left behind by Unique's bleeding wounds when he returned from a mission. He had been terrified of the things that went on within the organization at first, especially with the horrendous creatures that Unique would sometimes bring back from his missions, but over time he began to toughen up and see the gruesome sights as though they were an everyday thing. Or rather, an everynight thing. Which in this line of work, it usually was. Redheart sighed, closing her eyes as she rubbed the side of her head soothingly. "I'll be fine once Unique decides to answer my call, Thunderlane," she answered. "Why do I put up with him, Thunderlane?". She turned her eyes towards the stallion. "Did I dope myself on something at the time when I recruited him, and forget about it?" Thunderlane stifled a chuckle. "No ma'am, I don't think so. I believe it was more about his abilities than his -" he paused for a moment as he pondered over what word he wanted to use, "- 'interesting' character," he finished. Redheart deadpanned. "You consider somepony who hanged a banner on the statue of Celestia last week, which said 'Molestia Approves Pot!', to be an 'interesting character', Thunderlane?" Thunderlane shifted his gaze away awkwardly. "Well, maybe 'interesting' isn't the exact word to describe him, ma'am," he replied. Wanting to change the subject quickly, he cleared his throat and said to Redheart, "So, er, ma'am, where has Unique been deployed this time, if I might ask?" Redheart put her hooves together as she leaned forward in her seat. "We recently received reports of unusual activity occurring within the Everfree Forest," she explained, her eyes fixed firmly upon the stallion. "Areas within the forest that we've known to be hot-spots for predators have become strangely quieter, less occupied. Furthermore, several adults and foals have been reported missing from Ponyville." Thunderlane's jaw fell wide open, his eyes expressed panic and worry. "None of the children were -" "No, Thunderlane," Redheart interrupted, raising a hoof. "Nopony that your brother knows of or has heard of was taken. You have my word." Thunderlane sighed in relief. He didn't want to have to explain to Rumble why Applebloom or Snips or any of the other children were no longer attending class had it been any of them, should the little fellow bring up the subject. Redheart leaned down to her side, opening one of her desk drawers and took out a large cigar, which she placed one end of in her mouth. Closing the drawer, she sat back up, and waited for Thunderlane to light the other end of the cigar before she continued. "As it stands for now, the victims were Earth and Unicorn breeds, so we don't think the target has flying capabilities." She took a drag of her cigar, and removed it from her mouth as she exhaled a puff of smoke. "This means the target is grounded, so it shouldn't be difficult for Unique and Cobalt to track the bastard down." Thunderlane was just putting his lighter away. He dropped it upon hearing that name. "Cobalt? You sent him with Unique? But they hate each other!" Redheart smiled wickedly. "Which is why I sent him." The phone, which Redheart had placed back in its holder, began to ring, And she grabbed it before the pegasus could begin to reach for it. Her cruel smile was replaced a furious intimidating look, which made Thunderlane back away a few steps. "About fucking time, Unique!", she roared as she slammed her hoof on to her desk, nearly causing some stacked books to fall off. "I've called you seven times and now you decide to answer me, you piece of -" "I'm afraid the piece of shit you and I call 'Unique' isn't able to take your call right now," spoke a familiar voice through the phone."And right now, I'd say he's more like 'pieces of shit'." Redheart paused and double-blinked. "Cobalt?", she said, a quizzical look replacing her rage, "Why are you answering Unique's phone? Where is he?" "Oh, he's right here," Cobalt casually responded, "and he's also over there, and some of him's up in the tree, guts are on the floor. Yeah, he's everywhere." "What is that supposed to mean?", demanded Redheart. "What's happened? Have you taken care of the target yet?" Redheart then heard another familiar voice faintly in the background. "Hey, Cobalt! Is that Redheart? Tell her I'm not here! Tell her I'm taking a toilet break!"" "Shut the fuck up, Unique! Or I'll rip that loud mouth from your face!", Redheart heard Cobalt shout back. Given the muffled tone of his voice when he answered the insane vampony back, Redheart figured he was covering the phone, though she heard their conversation well enough. "Er, no, ma'am Redheart. We've not neutralized the target yet, but we are close to it's position right now." Redheart slammed her hoof down upon the desk again, shaking all of the contents placed upon it. "What do you mean 'you haven't neutralized the target yet'? It's just the one vampony, according to our sources! What have you both been up to the whole time?" A long silent pause. "You don't want to know, ma'am," Cobalt eventually answered. "Yes, I do! Otherwise I would not have -" "I pissed for eight minutes and farted on Cobalt!", yelled Unique. The sound of laughing echoed in the background. Cobalt's agitated groan hinted at his irritation. Redheart face-hoofed. Why did it still surprise her at all Unique did something like that? A sound came over the phone, followed by an "Erk!", which was followed by the sound of something fleshy being torn. Redheart only needed one guess what happened. At least Unique would be quiet now. At least for a few minutes, before he regenerated his lower jaw. "Can I be permitted to kill him, please?", Cobalt pleaded. "I'l even make it look like an accident!" As much as she would have wanted the same thing, it took every ounce of willpower for the mare to not ignore her better judgement. "Request denied," ordered Redheart. "Put the thick twat back together, and get the mission done ASAP! And tell him if he continues to fuck about, I'll personally burn every last one of his lesbian mare movies, and have Thunderlane piss on the ashes." Thunderlane, who still was in the room, having been standing nearby the desk the entire time, listening and watching the mare's facial expressions and trying to guess what was transpiring over the phone, flashed Redheart a shocked look at the mentioning of his name. He threw his hooves up and frantically shook his head. "No way! Don't get me involved in this!", he mouthed to Redheart, who ignored him. "Alright, hold on one moment," replied Cobalt. The next few minutes were filled with silence, before Redheart heard what sounded like a raspy gurgling noise. Cobalt's voice came back on. "Well, it's hard to tell what he said, what with his tongue just flailing around, and the fact he's got no jaw, but I think he gets the message." "Good," replied Redheart. "Now get the mission done so I have one less thing to worry about." And with that, she called off, and slammed the phone back onto the holder, before letting a weary sigh escape her lips. Redheart began to massage her temples as she felt the mother of all headaches begin to surface. Of all the crap she had to put up with as head of the Equestrian Hellsing organization, there was nothing - NOTHING - that she couldn't stand any more than the nuisance that went by the name of Unique. Though he was, without a doubt, one of the organization's most deadliest agents, he was unfortunately a complete wanker. She and Unique had many disagreements over a myriad of subjects, especially over how to execute an operation in the field. Unique would rather decimate everything in his way than take a logical or methodical approach to the situation. Whereas most of her agents would assess the situation at hoof before charging in, weapons blazing and all over the place, Unique did exactly that. He caused a great deal of collateral damage, and on one occasion even harmed several bystanders, which he tried to dismiss by claiming that they 'got in the way of my misfired bullets'. He showed complete disregard for procedures so many times that Redheart often wondered why she even let him loose at all. But despite his setbacks, oftentimes, and very much to her absolute annoyance, Unique's way of handling things ACTUALLY proved effective, and got the job done. Though Redheart would sooner take a whole bottle of cyanide pills and swallow the lot, and have anthrax injected into her bloodstream, along with the deadly plague and whatever horrid diseases that existed, than admit to Unique that he was somewhat right in the use of his methods. "Will you be needing anything, ma'am?", Thunderlane asked the mare. She shook her head slowly. "No, Thunderlane. You may be excused. I'm sure you've other things to see to." Thunderlane gave a polite bow, and turned away from the mare and the desk, heading to the door to leave the room. He was nearly at the door, before Redheart spoke up. "On second thoughts, Thunderlane?", Redheart said, closing her eyes while still rubbing the sides of her head. Thunderlane stopped where he was, and turned to face her. "Yes, ma'am?", he asked. "Have somepony deliver a six-pack of AppleJack Daniels to me right now," the disgruntled mare asked, as her head slipped from her hooves, hitting the desk with a loud thud. "And an aspirin, too. I think this is going to be a really fucking long night..." Author's Note Yeah, not much going on in this chapter, but wait until the third one. We get straight into the action stuff. I'm off to watch more of Hellsing Abridged. Fucking hilarious shit, it be, dawg! XD Oh, and I'd like to point out that I don't claim to be a great writer. I just write what shit comes to my head. What you see is what you get. If you don't like it, I have about 49 Followers at the time of this chapter's submission who I could recommend you try. XD Tell them I said 'Hi!'. HEE HEE HEE! I'm so insane in the membrane...
Chapter One - Annoying The Pony Who Kills With Magic Wires Is A Bad Idea...Pony Hellsing IMPORTANT! = This story is a parody of the anime show 'Hellsing'. More specifically, it is a parody of the Abridged version of the show. There will be much use of naughty language and sexual references. Otherwise, enjoy the story! You blood-sucking Edward Cullen-wannabe fuckbuckets! ========== Luna's night sky was brightened by her thousands of of tiny stars which dotted the darkened heavens of her beautiful canvas, and also by the light of her magnificent moon, which shone down upon the foreboding Everfree Forest below. Save for the screeching of some bats out on the hunt, and the occasional hooting of an owl somewhere within the forested area, everything was otherwise cryptically peaceful, eerily quiet. Or at least it was, until somepony started to sing to himself, as he stood concealed behind a thick bush, urinating on to the forest floor. "I'm taking a whizz, I'm having a wee, I'm singin' bout' piss, while releasing my pee", sang Unique, swaying his head side to side as he drained his stallionhood of its pent-up liquid waste. "Are you nearly done yet?", an annoyed voice exclaimed from behind Unique. "You've been back there for over seven minutes now! Nopony pisses for THAT long!" Unique shouted back over his shoulder, "Well, I can't help it if Unique Jr. needs to be emptied now, can I?". The flow of his urine began to slow down at that moment. "Hold on, I'm about done here." When his flow of urine came to a halt, Unique shook off the last few drops from his member, before tucking it away into its sheath. Kicking a pile of dirt over the yellow puddle he had made, Unique turned around to exit the bush, straightening his hat as he went his way. "Alright, alright, I'm done. We can go now." Unique glanced over to the tree which his companion was leaning against. He was a grayish-coated zebra with black stripes, though he had upon his head a unicorn's horn, which he had explained long ago was due to his parent's breeds (his father was a zebra, his mother a unicorn). Unique found it funny he actually remembered hearing that. He could have sworn he was ignoring him at the time. Oh well. The zebra/unicorn was fidgeting with several strands of glowing ethereal wire between his hooves. These wires were created by his magic, and served as his primary weapon of choice in battle, extending the length of these wires and slicing his opponent's into bloody ribbons, clean through their flesh and bone like a heated knife through butter. He also wore a short brown vest over his torso, the insides of which had pockets where he kept special Sound Crystals. He used these to record and playback the agonizing screams of his enemies as he obliterated them, apparently a past-time hobby of his. His disturbing hobby was probably why he and Unique got along so well as if they were the best of friends (sarcastic emphasis on 'friends'; they hated each other, really). Who wouldn't enjoy falling asleep at night with the sounds of dying ponies looping over and over again in their ears? The zebra glared at Unique with blood-red spheres, his annoyance at having to wait for the pegasus to finish going potty transparent on his face. "That's eight minutes now you've been back there," he grunted. "Who the fuck pisses for eight minutes?" Unique bared a chesty smile, revealing his fangs, stained red with blood, glimmering in the light of Luna's moon. "Your mother, that's who, Walter!", he cheekily replied. The zebra rolled his eyes and leaned away from the tree, so that he stood upright upon all four hooves. "First of all, as I tell you over and over again, my name is Cobalt, not Walter," Cobalt said flatly, eyes narrowed at Unique, "and secondly, if you're going to give me a comeback, at least TRY to make it clever." Unique lowered his head, but kept his gaze fixed on Cobalt, and a grin on his face. "If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth.", he chuckled darkly. A splatter of blood coated the tree behind Unique, as Cobalt, standing on his hind legs, willed his magical wires to slice off the pegasus' right arm, using his hooves to co-ordinate his attack. It lay upon the forest floor, twitching and writhing. Unique looked down to it, and laughed. "Oh come on now, Cobalt," he said, as he bent down to pick up his severed arm. He pointed to the not-so-amused zebra with the arm in his hoof. "I was only kidding, buddy. I'm sorry.". Cobalt relaxed a little as he said this, and his wires began to fade away as he cancelled his magic. "Your mother actually swallowed the lot!", Unique quickly added, with a madpony's smile. More blood splattered across the tree as Unique's remark lost him his other arm, both of them lying on the ground in front of him, both twitching, slowly dyeing the green grass red with blood. The zebra stared hard at the armless-pegasus, readying his magical wires. "Anything else you want to add? Or do I need to cut you down to size, literally?". Cobalt's voice was serious, cold. He didn't take well to Unique's sense of humor most times, though he did find slicing the cocky bastard up now and then to be therapeutic, in an odd, sickening, deranged sort of way. Unique was about to make another remark when suddenly... Shake that flank at me, shake that flank at me, oh girl, shake that flank at me, shake that flank at me... Cobalt raised an eyebrow at Unique, his glowing wires wavering a little. "What the hell is that?" "Oh, that be my ringtone, bro," answered the pegasus, still smiling his mad grin. "You like it? It be bitchin', yeah? It's Emin-Mare? Get it? Huh? Get it? Emin-Mare?". No response. Cobalt just stared at Unique expressionlessly. Silence fell between them for the few awkward moments that followed, save for the sound of the ringtone still looping the same line over and over again. Unique coughed. "Yeah, well, anyway, I'm just going to take this call now." He chuckled. "You know how much of a boner-killer the boss is, am I right? Right?" No response. Cobalt just stood there and looked at him expressionlessly still. "Ah, go play with traffic, ya sour puss." The pegasus then began to shuffle his shoulders, grunting in agitation. He then remembered that he was lacking what he need to get the phone out of his coat pocket. Arms. And both of his arms were on the ground right by him. "Well...shit." Unique looked to Cobalt again, putting on an innocent puppy-eyed face for the zebra. "Would you mind taking this call for me?", cooed Unique, batting his eyes at the unimpressed Cobalt. "I'd answer it myself, but, well...", he nodded to his bleeding shoulders, "right now I'm as disabled as the Black Knight from that Monty Python movie I like." He gave a short giggle. "Heh heh, 'flesh wound'. Funny shit right there. It's funny cause' he's obviously screwed." Cobalt sighed wearily as he strolled over to Unique. "Pull yourself together, won't you?", he said as he reached inside of the pegasus' right pocket. Not finding anything in there, he searched the other pocket. Nothing in there either. "Have you tried looking between my butt cheeks?", suggested Unique, smirking. "Screw off, Unique!", Cobalt spat in angered annoyance. "For once, could you just not be...yourself?" Unique bit his lip, which he regretted doing quickly after, since he accidentally cut it with his sharp fang. Spitting out his blood, he cleared his throat and replied to Cobalt, in an awkward tone, "Actually, it, er, wasn't a joke. I seriously meant checking my ass." Cobalt deadpanned. "What?" Unique gave an awkward chuckle. "I sometimes keep my phone in my ass, so that if and when the boss calls during or before a mission, she speaks to my butthole, okay?", he explained. Cobalt blinked. "Why would you do that?" Unique shrugged. "She talks crap most of the time. I thought she'd get along well with my ass." Cobalt stared at him in disbelief. "Please tell me you are taking the piss here, Unique." Unique shook his head. "Sorry, Cobalt. Looks like the one time you want me to be serious is the last time you'll ask me to be, eh?" Cobalt backed away from the pegasus in disgust. "I am NOT putting my hoof anywhere near your ass, you sick creature!", he exclaimed. "Well, maybe if you didn't sever my arms, we wouldn't have had to cross this bridge, would we?", Unique stated matter-of-factly. "Besides, what if it's something very important? The boss could be in danger for all we know, and this is a distress call. Would you want to take that risk?", he pointed. He began to turn around for the zebra, whose face had contorted into a look of disgust and embarrassment. He bent over, causing the zebra to turn his head away, throwing his hooves up in front of his face. "Be gentle, please," Unique laughed, unable to resist ignoring the hilarity of the situation right now. This was the sort of thing one would expect to see in some cheap cheesy comedy show, or in some low-rated comical story Funny enough about that last one though... Cobalt took a quick peek at Unique's butt. He sighed in defeat, and waved his hoof in the air, making an imaginary crucifix. "Celestia show mercy on me and us all," he prayed, as his hoof moved slowly towards Unique's rear, the pegasus giggling all the while. Cobalt closed his eyes as he prepared for the inevitable. His hoof was just a few inches from touching Unique's rear. "Just a little more, now," piped Unique, teasingly. Cobalt's hoof was so close now, only an inch. "Almost arriving in poo-bay, Cobalt." Cobalt braced himself for contact... And instead felt a rush of wind blow into his face, a rush of wind straight through his mane, and a burning sensation in his eyes. The air suddenly smelled foul and unpleasant, the stench causing Cobalt to choke and gasp for oxygen. His asphyxiation dilemma was interrupted by the sound of a hysterical laughing fit. He then saw, much to his confusion and shock, Unique rolling around on the ground, his face red with glee as his legs flailed wildly and pounded the forest floor. "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOTALLY FUCKING BOUGHT THAT! A PHONE UP MY ASS? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I KEEP IT IN MY ARM SLEEVE THE WHOLE TIME! OH CELESTIA CHRIST, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Cobalt covered his nose with a hoof to prevent the foul smell from offending his senses, and looked over to where the pegasus' arms lay. He saw something vibrating inside one of the severed sleeves, shaking wildly. Cobalt could have sworn at that moment he popped a blood vessel somewhere, as absolute rage overcame the zebra, his face red from the humiliation, and the incredible feeling of seething fury building inside of him. He was practically a volcano set to explode. "Oh for the love of Celestia, you are just a treat, Cobalt!", laughed Unique, as he started to calm down from his hysterical fit. He was about to wipe the tears streaming down his face, but remembered his lack of arms. He frowned in irritation. He was going to have to ask Cobalt to hold them close to his shoulders so that they could reattach themselves. That was the best thing about being a vampony, he supposed; he could regenerate his limbs and body parts, so long as they were close enough to him. Well, actually, the best thing about being a vampony was that he got to stay up as late as he wanted. He'd still be up watching late-night mare-on-mare movies, while everypony else was in bed, getting their 'beauty sleep' so they could get up and go to work in the morning, in some shitty office where their boss constantly yelled at them all day. Which, now that Unique thought about, was pretty much how things were for him. Huh, perhaps there wasn't much difference after all. Unique shrugged, and sat himself up. "Hey, Cobalt," he called out, not looking in his direction, "you wouldn't mind helping me put my arms back on, would you?" No response. "Cobalt?", Unique asked again. No response. Unique rolled his eyes. "Oh, come now, Cobalt," he groaned, turning his head in the zebra's direction. "You're not mad with me, are you?" Unique's eyes shrank, his face contorted into an expression of terror, and he felt a huge lump in his throat, as he saw hundreds and hundreds of long glowing wires heading straight for him, brutal and sharpened, their owner, Cobalt, staring poisoned daggers at the pegasus, baring his teeth in pure anguish. Before the wires ripped into his body, Unique sighed to himself. "Oh, fuck all kinds of duck..."
Chapter Three - And Here Comes Another New Character!Vinyl Scratch's chest was hurting. Her hooves were aching like hell, and her lungs were on the brink of giving out. Her heartbeat was pounding away like a jackhammer. Her adrenaline was higher than it had ever been before in her life, even more than it was during her dubstep concerts and performances. And her adrenaline was pretty high during her dubstep concerts. Except the difference between them and her situation now was that she usually was running away from fans, and not literally for her very own life. Oh for bucking Celestia's sake, I'm such a bucking idiot!, Vinyl mentally cursed herself as she leaped over the husk of what had once been a tree, before it had fallen possibly due to Time's cruel aging fate, or some other unimportant-as-of-now reason. Vinyl wanted to look back, to see if that...that thing, whatever in the holy sacred name of Luna it could have been, was still chasing her, but she feared that if she did so, the moment she saw that it wasn't following her and looked back in front would be when the creature would appear, just like in the horror movies. Only this wasn't a movie. And since her body was aching with pain and exhaustion, there wasn't much chance of this whole thing being a bad dream, either. Vinyl darted between a couple of trees after making a hard turn to the left, thinking that perhaps she could buy a couple of seconds of precious distance time by alternating her route. Her chaser might assume she would continue running straight, so maybe this could throw it off a bit? No such luck. Once more, she heard that same sinister hissing, and she knew that if she'd turn her head back right now, she'd be looking into those horrible eyes again. Those terrible eyes that expressed inpony, murderous intent and cruelty. Why did I open my bucking big mouth?, the thought raced through the DJ's mind as she resumed her sprint in this race of life-and-death. Why didn't I just agree with Tavi that Mozart could easily beat Skrillex in a rap battle? Buck, why did I even think a walk through the woods at night to calm down was even a good idea in the first place? Vinyl's eyes began to water as the pain afflicting her muscles started to get to her. Hours of running with very little time to stop and rest had finally caught up, and the strain Vinyl was putting on herself was becoming too much now. Too busy with her thoughts and the pain, Vinyl failed to notice the broken tree branch in front of her until it was too late. Her foreleg hit the wood, causing her to trip over and roll several meters across the forest floor, before coming to a stop and laying flat against the ground. Vinyl, dazed from the ordeal, attempted to stand back up, but the new pain she felt in her foreleg kept her from doing so. Oh no...no, no, no, please! Not now! I don't wanna die! Please, please! She tried again to stand, gritting her teeth as she put her weight upon her leg. The pain shot up from her sprained hoof and all over her already-aching body, and tears streamed from her watering eyes. Slowly though, she succeeded in rising onto all fours, but when she tried to take a step forward, it was quickly made clear that she wasn't going to be moving any quicker than the snail pace she was going at now, and not without hurting herself with each step. Vinyl gulped as she realized that this was the end of the road for her. That thing would only be seconds away from finding her. And when it found her... She managed to hobble over to the side of a tree, and lean her body against the rotting bark. She turned herself around, and though hesitant at first, she forced herself to look back along the path she had taken. If she was going to die here, she might as well retain some dignity and face her executioner. She watched with frightened eyes for any sign of her chaser, her body shaking and trembling. She waited for those red eyes to appear suddenly out of the darkness before her, and those wickedly rows of bloody teeth. She waited. She waited a little longer. She waited a little longer more. She waited a whole minute. She even pulled out a deck of cards and played Solitaire. Nothing. No sign of the creature. Just eerie silence, not even a sound of approaching hoofsteps. Not even the sound of rustling leaves and foliage to suggest something was even moving towards her. A small ray of hope worked its way into her mind. Had...had the beast perhaps...given up on her? Was she safe? Did this mean she would get to go home and see Octavia again? Her tense body began to relax at the thought, and she signed in relief. If the creature had indeed given up chasing her, she didn't care what reason for. All she wanted to do now was find a way out of this Celestia-be-damned forest and return home, back to Octavia, back to her - their - bedroom, and back to her - their - warm and comfy bed, snuggled up to their - no, wait, 'her' - musical marefriend. Her injured hoof would surely make the task take longer than she would have preferred, but at least for now she was safe from harm... "Hey." The pony whipped her head around, to meet a terrifying pair of eyes, accompanied by a most horrific grin, just inches from her face. Vinyl's blood froze, as did her body. Her eyes widened, her pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks. The hairs of her mane, tail, and white coat stood on end, and she held her breath. Paralyzed with dread she didn't believe possible, she looked like a living statue, her posture perfectly still and silent, like a still image of a scene from a horror movie. Vinyl's jaw dropped. She wanted to scream, tried to scream, but only a deathly quiet whimper came out. Her pursuer's grin widened, stretching its lips until Vinyl could see the gums of its mouth. "Just so you know," said the creature, its voice raspy and dark, "you are now fucked." And Vinyl Scratch was finally able to scream. ELSEWHERE IN THE FOREST... Cobalt rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time that night. "Celestia damn it, Unique. Will you fucking pull yourself together already?" Unique turned his head to look at Cobalt. The striped unicorn did look awfully funny being upside-down. It made his frown look like a smile from this point of view. The sky being replaced with grass and leaves, with big tall trees growing downwards rather than upwards was rather strange, though. Down below, Unique could see the moon, its magnificent ghostly pale-white glow just about piercing through the tops of the trees, shining little rays of light up at him. That's how the world looks when your head is hanging from your neck by a single tendon. "Hey, Cobalt? I just realized something. I kinda look like one of those Necromorph fuckers from Dead Space! You know, the one that decapitates your head and takes over your body? He he he!" Cobalt raised an eyebrow at the mad pony vampire, his head swinging gently side to side as they both walked through the forest. He never would be able to understand what in Equestria Unique was on about. Half of the bullshit that came out of that mouth of his just made absolutely no sense to anypony save for the vampony himself. Who or what the Tartarus was a Necromorph anyway? And what was Dead Space? Unique chuckled as his body grabbed his loose head with its hooves and lifted it back onto the base of his neck. The flesh and muscle slowly began to reattach themselves together, uniting Unique's head with the rest of his body. The insane vampony then cracked his neck, and looked at his unimpressed companion. "There. Pulled together. I should probably thank you for not ripping my heart to pieces, by the way. That would have been the end of me for sure." Cobalt coughed as his eyes shifted left and right. "Er, yeah sure. I, er, meant to avoid doing that..." Unique's smile disappeared, replaced with a frown. "Come again?" A loud scream made the two ponies pause in their tracks, their ears perked up (well, three and a half ears, anyway, as Unique was still in the process of regenerating the missing half of his right ear). The cry sounded feminine, and from how loud it was, who or whatever it was had to be pretty close by. Cobalt and Unique looked to one another for a few seconds, before Cobalt's horn flared alight as his magic ignited, his vicious magically-summoned wires floating around himself. Unique whipped out a pair of large handguns from out of his coat pockets, one plated silver and the other plated black in color. Both handguns had a sticker along the side of their slides. The one on the silver-plated weapon read 'BITCHES LOVE CANNONS' in bright red lettering, while the sticker on the slide part of the black-plated handgun read 'CHECK YO' PRIVILEGES!', also in bright red lettering. "Never mind, Cobalt," Unique said, his twisted grin once again plastered upon his pale face, as he began running off into the trees in the direction of where the scream had came from.. "We're going back in business!" Author's Note Yes, I know it's not that good a chapter, but I type whatever shit comes into my head, so if you want a better Hellsing Abridged parody story, then go find someone else. Otherwise, sit down, shut up, and keep reading this pile of shit I call a story. XD Assuming you still are reading this awful crap of mine, the next chapter will definitely be where the action starts. I promise. Lots of blood and guts and entrails and all that crap you love from Hellsing. Oh, and Alucard-references. Gotta have those too...
Chapter Two - The Vampony You Are Calling Is Currently Eviscerated. Please Try Again LaterChapter Two - The Vampony You Are Calling Is Currently Eviscerated. Please Try Again Later "Luna damn him to the pits of Tartarus! Why hasn't he answered already?" Lady 'Integra' Redheart tapped the polished mahogany surface of her desk impatiently with her hoof, a scowl on her face. She held the phone in her other hoof, listening to the sound of the dial tone repeating itself over and over. Outside of the window behind her, the moon rested high above in the night sky, casting a luminous pale-white light into her office, illuminating the room with a mix of shadows and light at once. Outside, the Hellsing estate bathed in the magnificent pale glow of the moon. No pony would ever have thought that, of all ponies, the mare everypony knew as Nurse Redheart, a hard-working member of the staff at Ponyville Hospital, was also the head of a top secret organization dedicated to hunting down the monsters that thrived in the darkness, and keeping the kingdom of Equestria safe from the evil they thought existed only in the realms of fairy-tales and campfire stories. Even the princesses knew not of the existence of Hellsing. If everypony knew the truth, they'd understand why she was often so aggressive as well. Being the head of an organization whose existence was kept hidden from the world was an incredibly active job. There were some nights when she never got more than an hour's worth of rest, before she had to continue her masquerade as a nurse back at the hospital during the day, before resuming her role as Lady Redheart once more when night came. Then there was the night job itself. Every night, there was always another freak of nature that suddenly thought to itself, 'Hey, I feel like slaughtering some innocent ponies tonight, and maybe even try to conquer all of Equestria! Yes, I think I'l do just that!', and every night, it was Lady Redheart who had to sit at her desk and listen to reports regarding where the villain was last seen, what kind of resistance to expect, this, that, and the rest of the crap that followed. And as they talked, she'd be handed photographs taken from their orbiting satellite networks, showing all sorts of nasty, gruesome shit. Redheart was thankful she worked in a hospital. The experience she had with assisting doctors with surgery procedures helped make her less squeamish when presented with images of ponies with half their body organs hanging messily from their guts, with maggots and flies spread all over their corpses to lay eggs or feed off of the decomposing flesh. Just once, it would be nice if the pony giving the report didn't sound so depressing all the time. Granted, she didn't expect there to be party cannons and dance music when discussing bloody massacres and murderous monsters, but the reporting ponies always sounded so cardboard, as though their marefriend had refused to help them lose their virginity or something, and they had taken it as a sign that it was the end of all things as they knew it. And from the way most of them dressed, Redheart would have been very surprised if they ever even got as far as second-base. What kind of pony wore a green tie with a grey suit? The clicking sound of a door handle being turned made Redheart look up. Her door opened, and into her office stepped a stallion, his coat a dark grey color, his eyes amber, and his mane blue-silver. He had an insignia on his chest, which displayed the Hellsing symbol, a custom emblem worn by all members of the organization. As he stepped into the room, he gave a small polite bow to the mare, before straightening himself and closing the door behind him. He approached the desk and stood to attention. "Good evening, ma'am," the stallion greeted. "How are you on this lovely night of Luna's making?" Of all the ponies who served the Hellsing organization, Thunderlane was one of Redheart's few favorites. He had joined the organization some couple of years ago, when Unique, along with Redheart herself, saved him and his little brother, Rumble, from a horde of vamponies. Though it took quite a few weeks worth of visits to a professional psychologist to get Rumble through his trauma, after Unique incidentally splattered the poor foal with blood as he killed the vamponies, Thunderlane was nevertheless grateful. It was Redheart personally who saved his flank, and he felt indebted to her for it. Since then, he had served as her personal assistant, whom she turned to often for advice when he wasn't busy preparing her drink of tea, gathering and sorting out documents, or having to summon the janitor to clean up the trail of blood left behind by Unique's bleeding wounds when he returned from a mission. He had been terrified of the things that went on within the organization at first, especially with the horrendous creatures that Unique would sometimes bring back from his missions, but over time he began to toughen up and see the gruesome sights as though they were an everyday thing. Or rather, an everynight thing. Which in this line of work, it usually was. Redheart sighed, closing her eyes as she rubbed the side of her head soothingly. "I'll be fine once Unique decides to answer my call, Thunderlane," she answered. "Why do I put up with him, Thunderlane?". She turned her eyes towards the stallion. "Did I dope myself on something at the time when I recruited him, and forget about it?" Thunderlane stifled a chuckle. "No ma'am, I don't think so. I believe it was more about his abilities than his -" he paused for a moment as he pondered over what word he wanted to use, "- 'interesting' character," he finished. Redheart deadpanned. "You consider somepony who hanged a banner on the statue of Celestia last week, which said 'Molestia Approves Pot!', to be an 'interesting character', Thunderlane?" Thunderlane shifted his gaze away awkwardly. "Well, maybe 'interesting' isn't the exact word to describe him, ma'am," he replied. Wanting to change the subject quickly, he cleared his throat and said to Redheart, "So, er, ma'am, where has Unique been deployed this time, if I might ask?" Redheart put her hooves together as she leaned forward in her seat. "We recently received reports of unusual activity occurring within the Everfree Forest," she explained, her eyes fixed firmly upon the stallion. "Areas within the forest that we've known to be hot-spots for predators have become strangely quieter, less occupied. Furthermore, several adults and foals have been reported missing from Ponyville." Thunderlane's jaw fell wide open, his eyes expressed panic and worry. "None of the children were -" "No, Thunderlane," Redheart interrupted, raising a hoof. "Nopony that your brother knows of or has heard of was taken. You have my word." Thunderlane sighed in relief. He didn't want to have to explain to Rumble why Applebloom or Snips or any of the other children were no longer attending class had it been any of them, should the little fellow bring up the subject. Redheart leaned down to her side, opening one of her desk drawers and took out a large cigar, which she placed one end of in her mouth. Closing the drawer, she sat back up, and waited for Thunderlane to light the other end of the cigar before she continued. "As it stands for now, the victims were Earth and Unicorn breeds, so we don't think the target has flying capabilities." She took a drag of her cigar, and removed it from her mouth as she exhaled a puff of smoke. "This means the target is grounded, so it shouldn't be difficult for Unique and Cobalt to track the bastard down." Thunderlane was just putting his lighter away. He dropped it upon hearing that name. "Cobalt? You sent him with Unique? But they hate each other!" Redheart smiled wickedly. "Which is why I sent him." The phone, which Redheart had placed back in its holder, began to ring, And she grabbed it before the pegasus could begin to reach for it. Her cruel smile was replaced a furious intimidating look, which made Thunderlane back away a few steps. "About fucking time, Unique!", she roared as she slammed her hoof on to her desk, nearly causing some stacked books to fall off. "I've called you seven times and now you decide to answer me, you piece of -" "I'm afraid the piece of shit you and I call 'Unique' isn't able to take your call right now," spoke a familiar voice through the phone."And right now, I'd say he's more like 'pieces of shit'." Redheart paused and double-blinked. "Cobalt?", she said, a quizzical look replacing her rage, "Why are you answering Unique's phone? Where is he?" "Oh, he's right here," Cobalt casually responded, "and he's also over there, and some of him's up in the tree, guts are on the floor. Yeah, he's everywhere." "What is that supposed to mean?", demanded Redheart. "What's happened? Have you taken care of the target yet?" Redheart then heard another familiar voice faintly in the background. "Hey, Cobalt! Is that Redheart? Tell her I'm not here! Tell her I'm taking a toilet break!"" "Shut the fuck up, Unique! Or I'll rip that loud mouth from your face!", Redheart heard Cobalt shout back. Given the muffled tone of his voice when he answered the insane vampony back, Redheart figured he was covering the phone, though she heard their conversation well enough. "Er, no, ma'am Redheart. We've not neutralized the target yet, but we are close to it's position right now." Redheart slammed her hoof down upon the desk again, shaking all of the contents placed upon it. "What do you mean 'you haven't neutralized the target yet'? It's just the one vampony, according to our sources! What have you both been up to the whole time?" A long silent pause. "You don't want to know, ma'am," Cobalt eventually answered. "Yes, I do! Otherwise I would not have -" "I pissed for eight minutes and farted on Cobalt!", yelled Unique. The sound of laughing echoed in the background. Cobalt's agitated groan hinted at his irritation. Redheart face-hoofed. Why did it still surprise her at all Unique did something like that? A sound came over the phone, followed by an "Erk!", which was followed by the sound of something fleshy being torn. Redheart only needed one guess what happened. At least Unique would be quiet now. At least for a few minutes, before he regenerated his lower jaw. "Can I be permitted to kill him, please?", Cobalt pleaded. "I'l even make it look like an accident!" As much as she would have wanted the same thing, it took every ounce of willpower for the mare to not ignore her better judgement. "Request denied," ordered Redheart. "Put the thick twat back together, and get the mission done ASAP! And tell him if he continues to fuck about, I'll personally burn every last one of his lesbian mare movies, and have Thunderlane piss on the ashes." Thunderlane, who still was in the room, having been standing nearby the desk the entire time, listening and watching the mare's facial expressions and trying to guess what was transpiring over the phone, flashed Redheart a shocked look at the mentioning of his name. He threw his hooves up and frantically shook his head. "No way! Don't get me involved in this!", he mouthed to Redheart, who ignored him. "Alright, hold on one moment," replied Cobalt. The next few minutes were filled with silence, before Redheart heard what sounded like a raspy gurgling noise. Cobalt's voice came back on. "Well, it's hard to tell what he said, what with his tongue just flailing around, and the fact he's got no jaw, but I think he gets the message." "Good," replied Redheart. "Now get the mission done so I have one less thing to worry about." And with that, she called off, and slammed the phone back onto the holder, before letting a weary sigh escape her lips. Redheart began to massage her temples as she felt the mother of all headaches begin to surface. Of all the crap she had to put up with as head of the Equestrian Hellsing organization, there was nothing - NOTHING - that she couldn't stand any more than the nuisance that went by the name of Unique. Though he was, without a doubt, one of the organization's most deadliest agents, he was unfortunately a complete wanker. She and Unique had many disagreements over a myriad of subjects, especially over how to execute an operation in the field. Unique would rather decimate everything in his way than take a logical or methodical approach to the situation. Whereas most of her agents would assess the situation at hoof before charging in, weapons blazing and all over the place, Unique did exactly that. He caused a great deal of collateral damage, and on one occasion even harmed several bystanders, which he tried to dismiss by claiming that they 'got in the way of my misfired bullets'. He showed complete disregard for procedures so many times that Redheart often wondered why she even let him loose at all. But despite his setbacks, oftentimes, and very much to her absolute annoyance, Unique's way of handling things ACTUALLY proved effective, and got the job done. Though Redheart would sooner take a whole bottle of cyanide pills and swallow the lot, and have anthrax injected into her bloodstream, along with the deadly plague and whatever horrid diseases that existed, than admit to Unique that he was somewhat right in the use of his methods. "Will you be needing anything, ma'am?", Thunderlane asked the mare. She shook her head slowly. "No, Thunderlane. You may be excused. I'm sure you've other things to see to." Thunderlane gave a polite bow, and turned away from the mare and the desk, heading to the door to leave the room. He was nearly at the door, before Redheart spoke up. "On second thoughts, Thunderlane?", Redheart said, closing her eyes while still rubbing the sides of her head. Thunderlane stopped where he was, and turned to face her. "Yes, ma'am?", he asked. "Have somepony deliver a six-pack of AppleJack Daniels to me right now," the disgruntled mare asked, as her head slipped from her hooves, hitting the desk with a loud thud. "And an aspirin, too. I think this is going to be a really fucking long night..." Author's Note Yeah, not much going on in this chapter, but wait until the third one. We get straight into the action stuff. I'm off to watch more of Hellsing Abridged. Fucking hilarious shit, it be, dawg! XD Oh, and I'd like to point out that I don't claim to be a great writer. I just write what shit comes to my head. What you see is what you get. If you don't like it, I have about 49 Followers at the time of this chapter's submission who I could recommend you try. XD Tell them I said 'Hi!'. HEE HEE HEE! I'm so insane in the membrane...
