Doritos

by Commander-Strife

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1378

One day, a certain man finds his Doritos are gone and must go on an epic, hardly narrated-about quest to reclaim his Doritos.

[Only has Gore that is NOT described in any detail but it implied to exist, nothing more]
One day, a certain man finds his Doritos are gone and must go on an epic, hardly narrated-about quest to reclaim his Doritos.

Will he find the true thief of his Doritos? Yes, but who will it be?

So... this happened.

Published 2013-11-22 04:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-22 04:10:04 UTC

First Degree Burn

A beautiful morning shined through the window into his room, everything was all set up perfectly, all he needed to do was press a button, greet his audience, and record yet another one of his many youtube videos.

His usual black shirt on, he sat into the equally black chair, it was very comfortable and he even liked to sit in his chair and simply do nothing, staring at his black, blank, offline monitor for minutes on end.

The chair sunk downwards only slightly as he sat into it, the man who sported the looks of one descending from some kind of Asian ethnic group mixed with possible European ancestry sat down, the glow of his monitor gracing him. He'd prepared for this moment, his 2 million subscriber milestone, for which he'd give his lovely subscribers a wonderful video of an hour's worth of horror game-play.

He reached over to his left and felt only desk, and it was then, that if anyone watched him, their heart would sink as his eye twitched.

The gears in his head churned, registering his most favorite of potato chips were in fact missing, despite putting the bag down only moments ago before his bathroom trip.

“Where's my Doritos...” He wondered in a hushed, confused tone, looking around the desk.

The longer he searched, the more his heart raced and the more he panicked. He couldn't play it without his 1st degree burn Doritos! He'd promised to eat them and try to play a game for a whole hour and he delivered on his promises dammit!

Within ten minutes of searching he came to the conclusion they bag had vanished into mid-air, as if some god got a craving and stole his chips.

“The gods...” He took off his glasses and looked up at the ceiling, using his mighty eyeballs to go past the ceiling with his vision, and he spotted Mount Olympus. It was from that moment he realized they were partying and he heard the crunch of chips and even smelt them.

It was from that moment on he changed forever as he got out of his chair, then his house and forged up to the abode of the Gods, and with his handsome muscles, he beat each of the gods along the way, for they'd have known this would one day occur. One by one, he brutally dismembered each Greek god along his way with his own hands, killing each one.

He eventually reached the Greek God of Thunder, Zeus himself, and clenching his fists which shuddered with anger as his eyes were filled with the lust of his Doritos and the destruction of the thieves who'd taken them.

Zeus jumped over him, doing all sorts of acrobatic feats, hurling thunderbolts at the youtuber, the energy dissipating upon impact of his incredibly defined skin, not affecting him at all.

“WHERE'S MY DORITOSSS!” he shouted with Hulk-like ferocity, running at the god with incredible speed.

Their battle was momentous, a battle so great and wonderful, artists would paint, writers would creates entire series in multiple media, and animators would reenact this for all time. A nearby man, one known as Chuck Norris, normally around there as he was indeed Zeus' father, he wept but let them fight.

The man was eventually the victor, the Greek Boss God twisted literally into a ball. Chuck Norris smirked as the god made oddly distorted noises and wiggled. Norris would later banish him for being beaten and would doom his son to one day become a hobbit obsessed with rings.

He held a chip bag in his left hand and was eating from it, a single chip however made the sound of a million nukes and the mighty youtuber heard it and would hear it from across the whole of creation.

He was suddenly upon the Chuck and lifted the all-powerful cowboy god off his feet with a single hand holding his upon his neck. The chips were still in his hand and the most manly ginger to ever exist offered him a chip.

The raiding black shirt studied the bag, the brand was indeed “Doritos” but it was the new flavor only sent there “Supernova Intense” the flavor said to contain the heat of an entire supernova.

He refused the chip but let him down.

The muscly man looked at an almost unconscious Zeus and then Chuck.

“My apologies. My bag of Doritos FIRST DEGREE BURN has been stolen from my desk” He spoke the words First Degree Burn with a shout, he was incapable of saying it any other way.

Chuck Norris waved his hand and the sky above went from clear to a rainy storm in mere seconds and he spoke with a voice that could surely impregnate women within hearing distance, and cause men to grow a beard upon every fiber of their being.

“The God of the sun has stolen your chips, noble entertainer. Not Ra, but one of another world” And with that the adrenaline surging through his veins went into Maximum Overdrive. He jumped in a way that made the beaten god Super Hyped and punched the fabric of reality, opening a long-since-closed portal to the magical land of ponies.

If his audience knew he was coming here, he'd never hear the end of it, but entered regardless.

The passage was normally rough for anyone else as because of a special barrier, he would go from human to pony, but his form was so finely tuned and crafted by those greater than gods, it was immune to this barrier.

He arrived in the Canterlot Palace's Throne Room in front of the large double doors.

He saw his Doritos.

In the Hooves.

Of Princess Celestia, who'd gone through half of the bag by now.

She conjured a barrier of pure solar energy between them, and he banged his fists against it, his black shoes occasionally kicking the barrier with incredible force. His aura and demeanor intimidated the royal guard, but still charged to him despite the fact they shook in their plates.

“No! This is between me and him, do not endanger yourselves, leave this room!” She ordered out of concern for their lives.

The man drew back for a moment to yell at her like The Incredible Hulk, saying with a husky, deep tone.

“MARKIPLIER NEED DORITO!” The sound could be heard for miles. Markiplier was not happy but Princess Celestia had it handled and even raised her barrier.

Markiplier ran at her with unmatched speed, breaking the glass windows from the speed, as if a certain mare had performed a sonic rainboom nearby.

It took him half a second to close the gap, but that was all she needed to hold the bag out to his face, and he stopped dead.

His nose was in perfect position and the brilliant Mark drooled, his adrenaline utterly gone and his rage completely gone. He reached into the bag and took out a tasty, alluring, wonderful triangle of utter heaven, and placed it upon his outstretched tongue and slowly pulled it into his mouth.

He chewed, and chewed, the spices taking effect at the perfect moment, making his temperature feel higher. He exhaled and said loudly.

“Whew! That's a hot bag of Doritos” And took another chip.

Princess Celestia then took the bag back and shook it, chips rustling inside as she used a free forehoof to pat upon her armrest-less throne, scooting aside to give him room.

She invited him, a human, to sit with her upon her royal throne.

Mark couldn't give two shits about the consequences and climbed up onto the throne and sat next to the Princess whose sitting height overshadowed his by at least two inches. He studied her features from behind his glasses, now suddenly back on his face, and the two ate Doritos together.

The two ate Doritos, and ate, and ate. They stole more Doritos from Earth from more youtubers, many gods dying, and many internet celebrities making their way to the Throne Room.

Markiplier and Princess Celestia both lived happily ever after with the Doritos they also shared with many others, such as Mark's friends Cinnamontoast Ken, PewDiePie, and Egoraptor, and even more.

The Hypothetical End.