I always thought my life couldn't get any stranger. Sure, I was genetically modified by some evil scientists who kept trying to spray caustic chemicals into my eyes, which is not only strange but kind of sad, but ever since my 3rd birthday, and subsequent escape from the Lab, things kept coming after me like some poo flung at me by that one sniper chimp. (I'm still afraid of Australian accents because of him.) And I blew up that lab with some C-4 those evil men had stashed next to the cages. (These scientists were begging for a Darwin Award, I swear.) But recent events in my life made an acid trip look benign by comparison.
I mean, seriously? Why can't a chimp like me catch a break?
Never mind the fact that I can read and write like those silly humans, which tends to get me into the zaniest situations. (That time with those Asian kids was an accident, I swear!) I just seem to be a magnet for the freaky and odd.
Just last week, I was minding my own business, trying to avoid that imbecile Leeroy, (Let's try to see you steal my bananas now, you simian psychopath!) When whatever thing that lives up there in the sky decided I needed to become a primate Lightning-rod.
My life sucks.
I thought I was deep-fried chimpanzee surprise, but that butthole in the sky said no apparently. I wound up in this crazy forest, chock full of things that wouldn't hesitate to get a bite of my simian sweetness. (The girls always gravitated towards the Bingo, ya dig?)
The first day was brutal. I woke up like a dude who had one too many Banana Schnapps the night before. I've been hungover before (Those nasty scientists deserved to die, and the booze that they left over was great!) but this felt like a hangover that was actually a curse placed on me by Monkey Satan! I swear the sun was trying to kill me that day.
After getting my bearings (and by that I mean vomiting all of the previous day's breakfast, lunch, and dinner on to the forest floor) I decided to get up into the trees, to get a good view of where exactly I was hurled to.
That's when these wooden mutts decided to have me for a great ape snack. Thinking quickly, I used my mastery of combat against canine combatants, but even with the strength of six men, it was hard to get the mossy mongrels off my chimpy-hide. Smacking one of the more unfortunate timberwolves (Makes perfect sense the more I think of it) with a smaller timberwolf, I soon had them on the defensive. These morons would learn the folly that was attacking the Great and Powerful Bingo! But I got cocky. While kicking the tails of these stupid beasts, I never spotted the giant cat thing that was also stalking me. The wolves did, and ran off with their grassy tails between their legs.
While celebrating my apparent victory, I didn't notice Mr. Putty-tat until he was almost on top of me! The beast was huge! And quite ugly. the more I think about it. It would have been a wet dream of those scientists, I mean, what the hell? It had the tail of a scorpion, the wings of a bat, horns, and a nasty attitude to match.
With a ear-piercing roar, the beast jabbed at me with the stinger of doom. Fortunately for me, I was quick enough to dodge my early demise. (Bingo:5 Death:0!) To escape, I used Kong's Ancient Art of Simian Retreat, and flung my poo into big kitty's eyes! ( Don't look at me like that! I am a chimp ya know.)
While Sargent Clawson was incapacitated, I booked it. Getting up into the trees and going as fast as Tarzan hooked on Speed, I lost the big 'ol furball of primate destruction.
It was getting late, So I decided to catch some sleep in the freaky looking tree.
But before I fell asleep, I swore I saw a zebra down below fade into the shadows....
