Twilight Sparkle Versus the Worst Book Ever

by TinCan

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 2000

Equestria's newly-minted princess gets a birthday/belated coronation present from Discord. Unfortunately for her, it's everything he says it is.

On Twilight's first birthday since ascending to alicorn-hood, her former enemy, the spirit of chaos himself, drops by to give her a gift fit for a princess.

When Twilight finally works up the nerve to open it, what she finds inside lives up to Discord's grandiose promises… technically. But that's only part of the problem.

Twilight Sparkle has never let a book get the better of her, and she's not about to start now, but has Equestria's foremost bibliophile finally met her match?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-13 02:31:31 UTC

The gift of chaos

Within Sugarcube Corner, the birthday celebration for Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic and Princess of Equestria, was just getting started.

Rainbow Dash raised her voice to be heard over the music. "I'm tellin' ya, Twi," she said, air-dancing, talking and eating cake at the same time, "Your (omf) b-day's a national holiday now. This is nice and all, but we should be having a parade or something." She paused to brush crumbs from her face. "Oh, or maybe a flying competition! Yeah! Let's do that. You could watch me smoke every other pegasus in Equestria, and the Wonderbolts would be there and—"

"That sounds more like Rainbow Dash Day t'me," Applejack said, cocking an eyebrow beneath the brim of her hat.

"Well, it'd all be in (nom) Twilight's honor though," Rainbow replied. "All my awesomeness would go to her for a whole day." She clapped her wings and grinned at Twilight. "Tell me that's not the best gift ever!"

Rarity held a hoof to her cheek and tittered. "Ooh, better yet, you could hold a tourney! You could give your champion a token of your favor and he'd be inspired win for your sake and then, when you call the victor forth to receive his prize..." Her words trailed off into a dreamy sigh.

Rainbow Dash looked from Twilight to Rarity and scratched her head. "Why would she root for some guy? I'm gonna win it. And what's a favor token? Do they make you faster?"

"Cool your jets, Dashie!" Applejack said. " 'Less I miss my guess, Rarity's thinkin' there'll be a certain fella in the running we met in the Crystal Empire, aintcha Rar?" She winked at Twilight.

The birthday pony, who had until now been doing her own silly, jerky dance to the music, stumbled, turned bright red and laughed self-consciously. "Er, um, ah... I don't know," she finally said. "I don't think I'd feel right just ordering everypony to celebrate me."

"Who needs to be ordered to come to a party?" Pinkie Pie asked, bounding out from the shop's kitchen with a fresh tray of homemade confections. "Don't be bashful; bigger bashes are always better! And speaking of biggening, is Fluttershy here yet? We can't really start without her." She set the tray down on a table next to Twilight's birthday cake, then did a double-take. "Hey! You cut the cake already? Everypony has to be here first; it's birthday tradition!"

Rainbow Dash guiltily hid the rest of her slice of cake behind her back. "Uh n-no, she's not here yet Pinkie," she said, hastily wiping a dab of frosting off her nose.

Pinkie stared, dismayed, at the gap in the cake. Her mane and tail began to uncurl. "But she said she'd be here! Is she ditching Twilight on her birthday? Is she okay, or—"

"Don't worry, dear," Rarity consoled her. "Angel bunny came hopping along just a little while ago while you were in the back. I think he was trying to tell us that Fluttershy would be here very soon."

"He sure seemed over-excited about it, though," Applejack noted. "Like he was tryin' to warn us or something."

Pinkie instantly regained her joyful demeanor and started jumping up and down. "You can't be over-excited about a best friend's birthday! Woo-hoo!"

There was a soft knock at the door, barely audible over the shouting and music.

"Oh, that's probably her now!" Twilight chirped, glad for the sudden change in topic. "I'll get it!"

She swung open one half of Sugarcube Corner's saloon doors to find Fluttershy standing outside, looking down at her hooves.

"Hey Fluttershy, c'mon in!" she called.

The pale yellow pegasus remained rooted in place, eyes still downcast. She squeaked something Twilight didn't catch.

"What was that? I couldn't quite hear you."

"I said, um, please don't be mad at me or let this ruin your birthday or anything. I promise it'll all be okay."

Twilight tilted her head, not understanding. "You mean being few minutes late? Fluttershy, you know we don't mind." She stepped aside and held the door open for her friend.

"No, it's not that. It's, um..." The pegasus pointed one hoof straight up.

Twilight's gaze followed where she was pointing. What she had initially thought was a dark, low-hanging cloud opened a pair of unnerving yellow-and-red eyes, grinned a snaggle-toothed smile and waved a lion's paw at her.

"Hel-ooo Twilight! Happy birthday!" a much-too-familiar voice called down to her.

The music from within ceased with a noisy record scratch.

"DISCORD!?" Twilight screamed.

The atmosphere in Sugarcube Corner had gone from festive to strained in the blink of an eye. Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash stood in a tight group in the far corner of the room, staring warily at the monstrous newcomer. Twilight had backed from the door into the center of the room. The draconequus hunched down to fit his sinuous body through the relatively tiny portal. Fluttershy slipped in behind him, mortified by the scene her unusual friend was making.

"What do you want, Discord?" Twilight asked coldly.

He beamed at her, pretending not to notice the chilly reception. "Why, I want to wish my favorite princess a happy birthday!"

Twilight minutely inclined her head with far more good grace than she felt. "Thank you. If that's all..."

The draconequus slid around her and began picking over the food table. "Oh, but it's not! Don't you want to know all the wonderful, morally-unobjectionable things I've been doing since our good friend Fluttershy helped me see the light?"

Fluttershy coughed into her hoof, embarrassed. The other ponies stared in stony silence.

"Eh? Hey? Oh come on!" The spirit sighed. "I come here with nothing but good will and this is the reception I get!"

"This is a private get-together. It's by invitation only," Rarity said, looking down her nose at the interloper.

"He, uh, he said he wouldn't crash the party, but he just wants to give Twilight a present." Fluttershy said.

Meanwhile, the draconequus stuck his reptilian claw into the space left in Twilight's cake where Rainbow had sneaked a piece early. Somehow, the chaos spirit removed the absence-of-cake and popped it into his mouth, chewing lustily on nothing and leaving the cake whole and uncut. Rainbow furtively checked behind her back to make sure the slice she'd taken was still there.

Discord swallowed whatever he was eating, then reached behind his ear and, with a flourish, produced a gift box poorly wrapped in gaudy draconequus-themed paper. "That's right! I know you're going to like it. It's the perfect gift for the egghead who has everything. I made it myself."

Rainbow Dash held her front legs in an X-shape. "Don't take it; total trick!" she hissed.

The young alicorn dearly wanted to follow her friend's advice and make the draconequus leave, but she also needed to start behaving like a princess. She couldn't just let annoying ponies or spirits get her goat. "That's very kind of you," she forced herself to say, "but I can't accept birthday gifts from those without invitations."

Discord's smile faded into a pout. "Aww, but I worked so hard on it! Can't you just take a teensy-weensy little peek?"

"Th' princess said no," Applejack growled. "You want us to think you're on the up-and-up, then quit pesterin' her and skedaddle!"

The draconequus stuck out his lower lip and began to blubber theatrically. "But... but... I only wanted to be ni-i-ice!" he wailed.

Fluttershy softly cleared her throat. "Twilight, it's... actually from both of us."

He looked back at her in surprise, but quickly recovered. "Yes, yeah! Precisely. So now it's all fair and above-board and you'll take it, right?"

Twilight frowned at the box, then grudgingly accepted it.

"Well? Open it! Open it!"

"I can't," she said, glancing back over her shoulder to the other gifts her friends had brought. "We have an itinerary. Dancing, then games, then presents, then cake. See? Not gonna do that for hours." She brandished a schedule to his face.

The huge spirit sniffled, then wiped a crocodile tear from his eye and flicked it into a corner, where it briefly burst into cold flame. "Oh princess, how can you be so cruel? To deny your well-wisher the opportunity of seeing the look on your face as you open his wonderful, fantastic gift... That's inequine!"

Pinkie considered the case, then shrugged to Twilight. "He's right, that's against the Party Pony Protocols, article 4, section c. If the giver's there, they have to see you open their gift."

"Please, Twilight," Fluttershy pleaded, "I saw what it is, and I'm sure you'll like it! Just give him a chance, okay?"

The princess sighed and rolled her eyes. "Alright, fine. I open this and you leave, right?"

Discord nodded excitedly. "Sure, sure, unless you want me to stay after you see what an awesome gift I got you!"

Twilight braced herself, gritted her teeth, clenched her eyes shut and tore the wrinkly paper off the present. When nothing exploded or grabbed her after that, she carefully lifted the lid off the box. Her friends took a few cautious steps back.

Inside the box was a book.

She lifted it out with her telekinesis and turned it around in the air, tense and waiting for the other horseshoe to drop. The book was bound in smooth, dull metal, and both cover and spine were unmarked.

"You got me a book," she stated.

Discord, now grinning in a way Twilight found extremely worrisome, cocked his head. "A book?"

"Let me guess. The Neighcronomicon? The Princess in Yellow?"

The chaos spirit nodded. "Yes and yes and then some!"

Twilight frowned. "What, both? You made a collected volume of every evil, sanity-blasting book in existence?"

"Don't! Open! It!" Rainbow Dash shouted from the sidelines. Rarity shushed her.

Discord leaned his chin on his bird-elbow, itself supported by nothing. "No, but you're getting warmer! I do suggest you listen to your friend and don't open it just yet."

Twilight stared at the gift. Even without opening it, she could feel that the book was charged with Discord's chaos magic, but only a teeny, tiny little bit. It shouldn't be enough to be dangerous, but still...

"Okay, I give up," Twilight said. "Are you going to tell me what is this supposed to be?"

"But you said to let you guess!" Discord complained, pouting again. "And you were doing so well."

"Just tell me what's in here or I'll assume it's kindling."

Discord laughed. "Like Twilight Sparkle would ever destroy a book!" He sighed. "Fine then. I guess I can just spell it out for you and ruin the joy of discovery that comes but once in a lifetime when a pony gets a thoughtful, helpful gift from her number-one best spirit friend in all Equestria and—"

"Um, it's... everything," Fluttershy interrupted.

Her friend blinked. "Everything?"

The pegasus nodded. "Mm-hm. Everything ever written."

Twilight measured the book. It was scarcely half as wide from cover to cover as her hoof. "How—"

"Chaos magic, my dear," Discord explained. "And Fluttershy is selling it short. It's not just everything written; it's everything unwritten too. Every different possibility that the authors never explored. Everything lost forever. Everything yet to be written. Everything written by strange creatures from distant stars who no pony will ever see. It's not a book; it is the book."

The princess was skeptical. "So... Wonders of Urth and Sky? The Horn of Joy? The lost dialogue of Star Swirl the Bearded? They're all in here?"

Discorded nodded.

Applejack spoke up. "Fluttershy, is this all true? Does that little hardback have all those fancy nopony-never-heard-of-em books in it?"

Fluttershy smiled disarmingly. "It really does. They have to be in there."

Discord laughed and brushed his claws. "Happy birthday Twilight Sparkle, and many happy returns of he day!"

The draconequus bowed theatrically and evaporated into a cloud of bubbles, each of which popped with a different, inappropriate noise.