Episode I - Chapter I : Happiness [Laughter]
Episode I - Hapiness [Laughter]
"Sanity and hapiness is an impossible combonation."
~Mark Twain
Twilight Sparkle released her delicate grip on her quill, allowing it to drop to the table.
"There!" she exclaimed, looking over the single piece of parchment that lay on the oak desk before her. A single glance, however, and she was immediately displeased with her work. She read it over again, assuring she wasn't imagining it. A scorn of contempt appeared on her face. The title of the parchment read:
Suicide Note | 4th Draft
She cried out in despair,
"Argh! Four drafts and I screw up the title, for Godesses' sake?!" Princess Celestia had always taught Twilight of the 'no-notes-on-test' rule, of which the purple unicorn had just blatantly disregarded. She facehoofed, but just didn't have the patience to write yet another copy of the damned note. Twilight hastily scribbled out '4th Draft' and proceeded to the small kitchen that lay under the Ponyville library.
As she trotted down the hardy, solid stairs -- parchment gripped between her teeth -- she reflected on the old building. Twilight had resided in the Ponyville Treehouse-Athenaeum for years now, tending to and caring for the countless books and scrolls. Recently, though, she had been running short on storage for the massive amount of data she received on a daily basis.
"Ah, well..." She rationalized aloud, closing the door behind her as she arrived in the cookery. "...Spike will take care of it." Levitating the parchment from her muzzle, she took a few jars of herbs from a shelf above the stove. Sprinkling the contents into a mortar, Twilight read off the recipe from her memory:
"Mint, ground vanilla, pulverized nutmeg..." She placed a large copper kettle atop a burner, and began boiling the water inside. She then levitated over to her the club-shaped pestle and a small, transparent-orange bottle. It had a plain black-and-white laminated label, the words 'Twilight Sparkle - Monoamime Oxidase Inhibitor' inscribed on it. Unscrewing the cap, she dumped it's contents -- exactly twenty-one plastic capsules, each filled with a fine, crème coloured dust -- into the herbal concoction.
She began grinding the ingredients together, giving off the aroma of mint and ammonia. Once the mixture was turned to a strange combination of crushed leaves and powder, she took the kettle off the cooker and poured the herbs into it. Humming, she stirred up the water, turning it a sickly brown.
A small rectangular window breached the thick wall of solid wood of the kitchen, letting the moonlight shine peacefully onto the floor. Sighing contentedly, Twilight poured the 'tea' into a large mug, adding two spoonfuls of sugar. Placing the suicide note on the counter, she chugged the liquid, having it disappear in a few short glugs. Blech... too sweet. she thought to herself. She poured another pint of the liquid and let it flow down her throat, finishing off the ritual by drinking straight from the kettle itself. Well... Hopefully they'll find my body before the smell becomes a problem.
Lying down beneath the illumination of Luna's domain, Twilight closed her eyes and awaited her inevitable end.
-<(‡)>-
At around dawn, a knock came from the solid mahogany door that served as the entrance to Twilight's Athenaeum. Shaking the drowsiness from her head, Twilight rose (surprisingly) to her hooves. The knocking on the door continued, and Applejack's voice called out, her Southern accent slightly slurring her words.
"Twilight? Ya' in there, Sugarcube?"
Rushing nervously up the stairs and to the door, Twilight took a deep breath. Why was she even nervous? There was no chance her friend could have discovered what Twilight had tried (and failed) to do. Exhaling sharply, she opened the door, permitting the butterscotch mare.
"Good morning, Applejack!" Twilight said, smiling with a façade of glee. Applejack's eyes widened, her ears flattened against her alloy-orange hat.
"Oh... erm... mornin' Twi'." Taking a step back, she continued, "Uh, is this a bad time? Cuz' Ah' could come back later..."
"What do you mean? Now is fine!"
"Are ya' sure? Cuz' ya' got a little somethin'..." Applejack waved her hoof at Twilight. Confused, the lavender unicorn looked down at her breast, noticing it was covered in vomit. Oh... that's why I'm alive. she thought. I must've 'ejected' the drugs. Blushing nervously -- the stupid grin still plastered upon her face -- Twilight levitated over a blanket and draped it around her neck, covering the filth-caked splotch of fur.
Flinching slightly in disgust, Applejack began to speak again:
"Anywho~ I'm goin' outta' town for the Summer Sun Celebration. Big Macintosh'll be away at another one of his..." she paused, "...'private photoshoots' with Cousin Braeburn, so I was wonderin' if ya'll could watch my dog for me?"
Twilight's smile shot off her expression.
"What? Why me? I'm sure Fluttershy is much more capable of an animal caretaker than me."
Chuckling nervously, AJ responded curtly.
"Erm... Fluttershy is at the 'photoshoot" too, unfortunately... as well as Rarity... and-" she shuddered, "-Mayor Mare." Twilight raised a suspicious eyebrow as Applejack shook her head, attempting to abolish the thought. "Anyway, Ah' thought, 'Well, why not you?' So what'ya say Twi'?"
"Uh... I guess so. So where is the little poochie?" Twilight said, adding a slight 'goo-goo voice' to the last sentence. AJ whistled loudly, and a few moments later, the 'dog' scurried up to his master's flank.
"Ah' just can't thank ya' enough,' Twi'! Anyways, Winona here, gets two cups a' feed each day 'round noon, and I usually walk her down to the river right afterwards...
Applejack's voice seemed to fade to dull ringing, emanating through Twilight's ears. The longer Twilight stared at the 'dog' that sat aside her friend, the stranger it seemed. What in the hell?? Sitting in Winona's place was a large, male, adult stallion. His deep azure eyes pierced his beige hide with needle-like sharpness. Strangely, that despite how obvious it was, he was clearly not a dog. He wore a grey, cheap looking costume that was completed with long, floppy ears and a thin, erect tail. The stallion stared back with a piercing, judgmental look, his body completely motionless.
"Got all that. Twi'?" Applejack said, breaking Twilight from her vertigo of thought.
"Hm? Oh, sure! Crystal clear!" she said hurriedly.
"Great. Cm'on Winona, girl! Imma' leavin'." The stallion got to his hooves -- his height reaching just above the earth-pony -- and ran his tongue along his master's cheek. AJ responded with a quick rustling of the stallions head. He trotted inside, leaving Twilight's eyes wide with confusion.
"Good luck!" Applejack said, closing the door as she left.
-<(‡)>-
The two ponies simply stared at each other, the silence becoming increasingly awkward. 'Winona' calmly trotted toward one the sofas that Twilight had positioned around the living room a few months ago, the sun glinting off the collar that hung around his neck. Jumping upon the cushions, the stallion twirled around three times before sitting down, a sigh of relief escaping from his mouth.
Twilight gave off a terrified squeak at the notion. Clearing his throat, the tan pony spoke:
"You know, I like this couch." He said, his strong Australian accent adding to the ridiculousness of the current situation. "Most ponies' couches, it takes me at least four minutes to get comfortable. In dog time, that's long enough to get one off!" Twilight gasped. A stallion in a dog costume was in her house, sitting on her couch and spewing profanity. Maybe she really had died...
"Wha- What are you?" She stammered. Twilight felt her head spin, as if she would faint.
"Well. I am alot of things." The stallion said, a steady calmness in his voice. "My Master call's me Winona, most people call me dog or poochie..."
"I know! I mean... what are you?"
"I am, simply, a dog. Although my friend's call me Wilfred."
"Ok... 'Wilfred'... if you're a dog, then why can you talk, and why do you look like a pony?"
"I have no clue, honestly." Shrugging, Wilfred continued "But, if the prophecy that is foretold is true, I am the third God of Equestria."
Twilight fell to her haunches, stunned.
"Prophecy? What prophecy?" She asked urgently. "What the hell are you saying? It's only been two minutes and you're trying to convince me that you're a God? Do you expect me to believe you??"
"Well... let me give you a bit of context first." Wilfred began, gesturing with his 'paws.' "Many years ago, before Equestria was colonized by the three kingdoms, there was a young monk who lived in the Everfree Forest. This stallions name was San William de Pene Pequeño, or better known as the Bishop of the Goddesses. Despite being a normal earth-pony, he possessed great magical capabilities. He watched over the land, assuring it maintained itself.
"But then the Bishop became ill...very, very ill. He knew that, no matter what he tried, his soul would be inevitably wrenched from his body. In his desperation to keep peace over the land he knew he had to create a new vessel to carry out his whims. Without it, the world would plunge into peril, the land overcome by the evil that lay within the forest.
"Casting together the elements required to make a living organism -- a mixture consisting mainly of water and minerals -- he accomplished this goal. However, according to the laws of equivalent exchange, he still required a soul to control the body. Sacrificing himself, he infused a soul into the vessel. But not just any soul..."
Wilfred paused, his eyes wide and unblinking. "...an otherworldly soul. One who was as powerful as the Bishop, Celestia, and Luna combined tenfold. Such a unique being required time to prepare itself however, and henceforth, lived in solitude. Waiting for just the perfect moment to reveal itself." He finished with a devious smile, a shadow seemingly crossing his face. "How do you think he could keep himself in hiding for so long without a decent disguise?"
Twilight's mouth dropped open wide. Her body began to shake. Was she really in the presence of a foretold God, one more powerful than any seen before?
"Wha- what in Celestia's name are you talking about? So you're saying that you're a legendary God? Destined to save the world from all harm?!" She stammered. The two sat in silent suspense, the atmosphere becoming denser with anticipation at each passing second.
...
"Naw', you fucking gibbon, I'm just a damn dog, and you're probably just hallucinating!" Wilfred said, laughing hysterically.
Author's Note
Should I continue?
It wasn't until Twilight took a seat on the couch next to the costumed stallion that she realized how tired she had become.
"Ok, so..." She began. "You're not a God, correct?"
"Not unless you're pronouncing 'dog' backwards!" Wilfred responded smugly, chuckling at his own pun. Twilight sighed, sinking deeper into the soft, red sofa cushions.
"I guess I can't ask you what you are, since I'll just get another sarcastic remark, won't I?"
Wilfred turned his head toward the lilac unicorn -- eyes wide and mouth stretched across his face in a massive grin.
"Ya' fuckin' think??" He spat.
"Okay then... so now what?" Twilight asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well... what do you want to do? Or are we just going to sit on the couch all day?"
"Hm..." Wilfred scratched his hear with his hind leg. "One moment!" He said, reaching a gloved hoof behind the sofa, emerging with a large, black duffel bag.
"Wait, where did you...?"
"It's called mallet-space, dear." Unzipping the bag, the dog-stallion retrieved a clear, wide-mouthed plastic bottle; a small hole cut in the near-middle. "Oi -- Twilight, is it? -- put a tad of water in here, will ya'?"
"What do you mean? It has a hole in the center of it!"
"It's fine! Just a few centimetres'll do." He held out the old plastic container, offering it to Twilight.
Sighing slightly, the unicorn enveloped the bottle in a telekinetic grip and proceeded to the washroom sink. Filling it with a small amount of water, she returned to Wilfred stuffing a silver trombone mouthpiece with a dark green hash. Twilight tentatively gave the bottle to him.
"What in the hell are you doing??" she asked, her voice raising in slight alarm. "Are those... is that... drugs??"
Placing the now full mouthpiece inside of the aperture in the bottle's side, Wilfred recovered a large plastic lighter from the sack.
"No, of course not!" he said exasperated, raising the mouth of the bottle up to his own. "Drugs are illegal! These are just medicinal herbs!" Flicking the igniter, he began charring the hash, breathing in deeply. The water at the bottom of the container gurgled loudly as Wilfred began coughing wildly. "Very, very *cough* strong medicinal herbs."
Exhaling, a cloud of smoke and water vapour poured from his gob, drifting into Twilight's nostrils. She scrunched her face in disgust at the strong smell of marijuana. Using the water from the bottle, she telekinetically extinguished the smoldering cannabis.
"What the hell?!" Wilfred exclaimed, splaying his arms in anger. "That was twenty-quid of weed you just drenched!"
"I will not, under any circumstances, allow drugs in my place of being!" Twilight yelled, furious. "I am most likely going insane -- considering I am scolding a talking dog -- and narcotics will not help my situation!"
"Oi, calm down you damn nark! It's just a little bit! You could do with some yourself!"
"Shut-up! If you are going to be in my home, you must abide by my rules!" A tense silence settled over the two, Twilight practically steaming with rage. Sighing, Wilfred said,
"Alright, fine. No drugs. Just let me clean up my things." Relaxing, the twilight-maned pony laid her head upon the sofa's arm. Godess, I'm tired. She thought. I'll just close my eyes for a bit. What can a single dog do, anyways?
"Wilfred." Twilight said drowsily.
"Yes?"
"Be careful, ok? I'm going to take a nap, and I don't want to wake up to the house on fire."
"Will do, Twilie! You can trust me!" Wilfred said, smiling politely.
Good... she thought, closing her eyes for the second time that day.
-<(‡)>-
Twilight awoke on the floor, a dog licking the crusted vomit from her breast, it's tongue flicking back and forth and drenching the lilac coat in slobber.
"Wait... Wilfred?" She asked drowsily. The chocolate Labrador took a few steps back, it's tail wagging excitedly. A... a real dog? Twilight thought, confused. Thank the Goddesses! I'm not going insane! She rushed forward, wrapping her hooves around the canine in utmost relief.
"I'm not going insane!" She said aloud, her voice cracking slightly.
"I wouldn't quite say that!" Wilfred's voice called from the basement, turning Twilight's smile into a depressed look of worry.
Pushing herself off of the small brown dog, she trotted over to the cellar door. Using her horn to illuminate the way, she carefully stepped down to the dark, below-ground cellar.
"Wilfred?" She called uncertainly. Suddenly the sound of a match striking its ignition source illuminated a grey, costumed hoof. Raising the match to a cigarette hanging from the beige stallion's mouth, Wilfred inhaled, shining light upon the rest of the strange 'dog.' He wore a black tuxedo jacket -- donned with a rose -- over a pure white dress shirt; A bow tie wrapped around his neck like a collar.
"Do you have faith in my judgement?" He asked, a large slur put on each word he spoke.
Twilight picked up a forehoof in surprise.
"Wh-What?" She asked, perplexed.
"Do I have your loyalty?"
"I... I guess so?"
"Then be a friend to Michael... do as he says." He said.
"I'm afraid I don't quite understand..."
A click emanated through the stone clad basement as four blinds withdrew simultaneously, spilling light from the rectangular windows unto the ridiculously well-dressed stallion sitting in a leather chair.
"Christ, you're hopeless, ya' know that?" Wilfred said, his normal, Australian accent returning to him. In one swift motion he extinguished his cigarette, and tore off his classy façade; Hat, jacket and all. "Can't even follow up on a joke, you're so uptight!"
For the first time, Twilight looked around the (now well-lit) cellar. A couch and coffee table lay parallel on a tan, embroidered rug... the same couch, coffee table, and rug that had been upstairs just that morning.
"What the hell??" She exclaimed. "Why is all of the furniture down here?!"
Perched and facing the furniture was a thirty-four inch flat screen plasma television, the Summer Sun Celebration Setup broadcast in Manehattan glowing profusely on the otherwise blank display. "And where did that come from??"
"I told you!" Wilfred responded defensively. "My butler's took care of it all! Got plenty of money to spend, after all!" He paused for a moment, scratching his ear in contemplation. "Or maybe I told the hookers that..."
"H-Hookers?? You brought hookers here?!" So that was what the chocolate Lab was doing in the house. "Just how long was I out for?"
"Oh not long! Only a few hours... That was, before I snuck some thiopental into your bloodstream..."
"What?! You did what?!" Twilight screeched, her blood pressure beginning to rise. "Anesthetic? Where did you even get some thing like that? I could have died!"
"I had to! Ya' just can't seem to chill the fuck out! Now what if we stop yelling, and I show you the benefits of moving the living room down to your basement." Wilfred said matter-of-factly. Twilight sighed in exasperation.
"Fine. Why did my neighbours dog move all my personal belonging down to my cellar?"
"Well I'm glad you asked! First of all, I would like to let you know that you get almost every single channel there is known to ponykind! None of that satellite/radio bullshit. You get it straight from the source using cable! Allow me to demonstrate!" Wilfred clicked a button on a remote that had somehow materialized in his hoof. "Hornhub, Ponyboy, Ponygirl, the Hen-tai network for any Gryphon friends you have over..."
As each channel he flicked through became increasingly more disturbing, the lavender mare decided to put a stop to the eroticism. She quickly hurried over the wall and unplugged the Telly.
"Ok, so..." Twilight began, gasping in relief. "Television aside, what other accessories have you given my basement?"
"Well, I have installed an automatic blinds system for the windows. You just press this button..." Wilfred explained, clicking another button on the black controller. "...and voila! Instant darkness!" As he pressed the button, an arc of electricity sprung from each window, effectively overloading the neighbourhood power grid; indicated by the sudden lack of lit lamps in the room.
Face-hoofing, Twilight levitated the faulty controller from her 'guest's' hoof and into a bin.
"Let's just stop with the demonstrations, ok?" She said condescendingly. Then, suddenly glancing at a clock mounted on the adjacent wall, the lilac mare's expression turned to worry.
"Oh no!" She exclaimed, scrambling up the stairs. "I was supposed to be at the palace over an hour ago! Princess and I are supposed to be going for a nature examin-..."
"Let's go for a walk." Wilfred said, any emotion void in his voice. Pausing, Twilight turned around, her neck craning down the steps to look at the clothed stallion.
"A walk? A walk? I'm already late as it is! Princess and I have been planning this for ages!"
"C'mon now Twi'. We both know you weren't planning to meet with that monarchist today..." He paused, a devious smile creeping across his face. "...or any other day for that matter." He and Twilight held a steady gaze, the mare's eyes widening in surprise.
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't I be?" She said.
"I know what you tried to do last night. The pills. The tea. All of it."
"But how did you kn-...?" She began, only to be interrupted by the odd canine:
"Because we are one mind. A singularity. I am a figment of your imagination as you are of mine." His smile disappeared. "Nothing is secret between us, Ms.Sparkle. Nothing."
Then the heavy silence befell the scene again, keeping anything from moving or making a sound. It seemed apparent to Twilight that she could hear her heartbeat. A steady thump...thump...thump... emanated from inside of her, crescendoing and becoming increasingly fast. The blood pounded through her head, semmingly draining her sanity like a leaking tap.
...
"Nah, just joking. I read you're little snuff letter while you were asleep. Cheesy as all Hell." Wilfred said, the smile returning. "The 'Diamond in the rough. The one who never got to shine?' Jeezus girl, that is sappy... and it took you four drafts to think of it??"
Twilight's blood pressure began to drop as her head stopped it's tormenting throbbing.
"Can you stop doing that? It scares the living shit out of me..." She said, clasping her hoof over her muzzle in shock. Now my neighbour's dog is getting me to swear?? In the mere hours (or days; Twilight couldn't quite tell since she had put under anesthesia.) the lavender unicorn had begun to swear just from being in the presence of her new companion. Most ponies nowadays didn't even know how to swear... it seemed to have become a lost dialect.
"In all seriousness, I would like to go for a walk." Wilfred said, his blue eyes squinting in a dramatic tone.
"Why? You can just go outside yourself, can't you?" Twilight inquired stubbornly.
"Well, yes, but you and I have things to talk about."
"Like what?"
"Well... whether you like it or not, you have a serious mental condition, Twi!"
"What? Like, dementia? Schizophrenia?"
"Erm... yes, that too, probably. But no! Your main problem seems to be depression." The beige stallion said, his voice rising in concern. Twilight scratched her chin in thought. That was true... she had been trying to kill herself just a short while ago. "Nothing like a bit of friendly advice and some fresh air to perk someone up! Just make sure to... eh, clean yourself up first."
Right... Twilight was still covered in her own bile and stomach fluids. She sighed,
"Alright. A few minutes and I'll be ready. Don't move any more furniture around or anything, ok?"
"Crystal clear, Sir!" Wilfred said, giving a mocking salute. With that, the mare trotted away, en route to the shower. Once she was out of plain sight, Wilfred -- brushing off the dust from his costume -- pulled the makeshift bottle-bong from his duffel bag, and indulged himself in a hacking, coughing high.
