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GOOD MORNING, BITCHES!
Discord jolted awake, dropping from his makeshift hammock that he had made with the end of his tail and a flying set of dinner plates. The plates dropped from the air the moment Discord awoke, shattering against the floor of Fluttershy’s cottage. Discord blinked in mild surprise, and scratched his spot behind one of his mismatched horns.
Huh. Normally the voices in his head didn’t start swearing at him until at least four in the afternoon.
Yo! Is this thing on?
“Hey, quiet up there!” Discord rapped his knuckles across the side of his head as Fluttershy peeked tiredly downstairs to see the reason for the commotion at such an early time of the morning. “No talk-y in my think-y box unless think-y box says so!”
Ah, I always did like talkin’ to myself! I make the most wonderful company!
The voice in Discord’s head grew louder, ringing behind his ears. He dug into them with his talons, scratching away and trying to rub out the noise, but all he managed to pull from his ear was a ball of cotton candy. Which he promptly devoured.
“Discord?” Fluttershy asked quietly. “Are you alright down there?”
And then we’ve got the shy one; found out last Tuesday the bitch was kinky as fuck, though.
“Peachy!” Discord made an o-kay symbol with his talons, speaking just a little too loudly.
“O-okay, then,” Fluttershy nodded slowly, backing silently up the stairs until he was completely alone again.
The draconequus snapped his talons and the shards of plates that had shattered around the room turned into miniature walking toothpicks, which then built themselves into an exceptionally pointy bed.
“Much better,” Discord grinned as he flopped onto his toothpick-bed, making himself comfortable.
He closed his eyes, snuggling warmly against the fire that he had conjured beneath the bed.
Jesus – when they said ‘show up for the roast of Discord’, this wasn’t quite what I thought they meant! And I didn’t think that I’d be the only funny one showing up!
Discord groaned, rolling over. “Quiet up there, I’m trying to sleep!”
Oh, so that’s the way it’s gonna be, huh? Tryin’ to tell the black man what to do! Hey, how about you shut up, I’m trying to talk to the audience!
“I’m quite used to listening to strange things coming from my own head,” Discord said to what he was pretty certain was only himself. “There’s not a single thing you could possibly do to make me lose an argument against myself again.”
Ha! Jinxed it, nigga!
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“Oh sweet Celestia, please make it stop!”
“Sorry?” Donut Joe stared down in shock at the draconequus clutching at his heels pitifully, whining and grasping at his own head.
“You’ve got to help me!” Discord pleaded. “The voices – the voices!”
“Uh, yeah,” Donut Joe began backing away from the God of Chaos nervously, hiding behind his vending cart as Discord followed him closely down the road. “I’m just going to go… this way. Uh, right now… bye.”
Discord was left to fall into the dirt as Donut Joe (wisely) fled as swiftly as he could from the raving draconequus.
So, there I was, layin’ smack dab in the middle of the fuckin’ street –
“For crying out loud!” Discord clapped his paw and talon over his ears, trying to drown out the noise. “I don’t even sound like that!”
-When all of a sudden, I got this great idea!
Discord paused for a moment, listening intently as silence finally fell over him, and he drew many a curious and cautious stare.
“… I got nothing,” he shrugged truthfully.
And that’s when it struck me; I could make my living as a crack ho!
“Wait, what?” Discord yelped.
Ha! Gotcha again!
“Oh, sweet mother of Celestia!” Discord threw his arms up in the air, pacing in circles. “Am I being punished for something?”
Haven’t I been calling Celestia fat all week?
“No, no!” Discord shouted worriedly into the air. Anything to make the dreaded voice stop. “I swear, I never even thought anything of the sort!
Are you kidding me? Is Celestia fat? That bitch has spent more time in the fridge than Walt Disney!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”
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Celestia exited the throne room quietly, her daily routines completed after long and grueling hours of political duties. However, at least the draining day was at last over, and she could look forward to relaxing in front of her fireplace with a warm, soothing cup of chamomile tea and enjoying some rest.
The ruler of Equestria nodded politely to a pair of guards as she passed, who in turn bowed deeply and stood at attention. Celestia gave each of them a kind nod, continuing along her way through the palace.
The entire left wing of the castle promptly imploded, chocolate milk spewing out of the walls at high speeds and knocking one of the guards off of his feet faster than either could blink.
Surfing down the wave of chocolate milk atop a multicolored parasol stood Discord, flapping his arms wildly as he tried to gain momentum. Absolutely nobody seemed to be rushing to the aid of the injured guard.
“Cursed!” he bellowed, Celestia still trying to get over the shock as wave after wave of chocolate milk spewed forth over her hooves. “I’ve been cursed, I tells ya’!”
(“OH GOD, MY LEG!”)
“Discord, what is the meaning of this?” Princess Celestia barked angrily as Discord leapt into the air atop a pogo stick made entirely of parakeets.
“You’ve got to help me, sun-butt!” Discord begged. “I mean, Celestia! I’ve been cursed! It’s voodoo!”
“Discord –”
(“Isn’t anypony going to help me?!”)
“Black magic!”
Ha! I see what you did there!
“Discord –”
“Witchcraft, which is also friendship!”
“DISCORD!” Celestia shouted to make herself heard as Discord stopped midair, the parakeets flying away in an explosion of feathers and squawks.
“Have you completely lost you mind?” she interrogated him angrily.
(“Oh sweet Celestia the pain!”)
“Hang on,” Discord held up a talon. “Let me check.”
Am I still crazy?
More than a lonely cat lady!
Oh, yeah? Well… you’re stupid!
Celestia watched as Discord froze suddenly.
For the first time all day, it was finally, blissfully, gloriously silent.
“… I won?” Discord gasped. “I mean, I win! Ha! Take that! I win, I win, you have no~o comeback!”
Sorry, but if you want my come back, you’ll have to scrap it off of your mother.
Discord’s wail of despair was heard for miles.
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