Pinkie Pie - Secret Agent 314

by ZapAppleBloom

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Pie Sisters, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Pinkie Pie
Length: 3505

My name is... well, I can't tell you that. But I'm secret agent 314. And I'm on a very important mission.

I'm secret agent 314, better known as Pinkie. I've been selected by Celestia herself as one of the random Ponyville civilians showing the most potential of successfully becoming a super secret spy and save all of Equestria!

Note: Cover pic credit to Gray--Day on deviantART, picture can be found here.

Published 2013-11-23 08:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-27 22:36:32 UTC

Chapter 1 - Recruited

A light pink mare hopped down the street excitedly. Her poofy magenta mane flopped up and down as she bounced along, bearing a striking resemblance to cotton candy. She hopped from pony to pony, greeting each accordingly.

"Gooood morning today, Miss Cheerilee!" she greeted a pinkish-reddish mare as she hopped by.

"Hey, Applebloom! Getting an early start on Crusading today, huh? Can't forget Sweetie Belle! Or you, Scootaloo! Keep flappin' those wings! I know you'll get it soon!"

"Morning, Ditzy Doo! Whoops!" She scooped up an envelope that had fallen from Ditzy Doo's saddle bags and handed it back to the grateful mare. "Gotta keep an eye on those envelopes, or they'll all fly away!" the pink pony said, before turning and hopping into Sugarcube Corner.

She was met at the door by a very flustered-looking Mrs. Cake.

"Oh, there you are, Pinkie Pie! Right on time for work, just like usual!" She cast a nervous grin over her shoulder at a midnight blue stallion standing inside the confectionary.

"Huh?" Pinkie asked, confused. "Mrs. Cake, I'm almost late by mfff!" Pinkie was abruptly cut off as Mrs. Cake covered her mouth with one hoof.

"Oh, Pinkie, what are you talking about? You're never late! Perfect timing, every day for the last ten years!"

Pinkie shrugged. If Mrs. Cake wanted to pretend Pinkie had a perfect work record, that was fine with her.

"Oh, Pinkie! How rude of me! Meet our, um, guest, Mr. Midnight Moonbeam," Mrs. Cake said, anxiously tugging on the collar of her apron.

The dark blue stallion stepped forward and extended a front hoof to shake one of Pinkie's. "Very nice to meet you, Ms. Pie. I assume you have no idea why I'm here. Well, long story short, I'm from Canterlot. I work for the Equestrian Secret Operation Services. I'm the Director's secretary and assistant. As I am sure many of you folk from Canterlot probably don't know, I may as well go ahead and tell you that the Director is Celestia."

Pinkie smiled and shook the stallion's hoof up and down vigorously. "Wow, that's great! I'm so glad that, being a super rich fancy Canterlot unicorn and all, you got to go to college and you're Celestia's secretary now! I could probably NEVER do that! You see, Earth ponies don't typically go to college, as most of us are too mentally incompetent to comprehend half of our daily lives anyway, so what's the point of college? In Ponyville, only a few unicorns get to go to college, and the teachers are so under-educated that even the brightest unicorns barely learn anything anyway. I heard in Cloudsdale, Canterlot gives them a lot more government support money for being the biggest Pegasus city and all, and they put most of their money toward education, and so allllll the pegasi get to go to college, but they all just get really weak degrees like cloud kicking or filling clouds with rain, so, yet again, another reason college in Equestria is pointless. Oh, if you're here for some citizen survey thing to improve our daily lives, being the caring government that you all are, could ya maybe tell Celestia that if she's gonna give us a buncha educational government support, at least give us good educators and mentally competent ponies? That would be reeeeally helpful of you bigwig politicians up in the big city."

Midnight Moonbeam staggered and took a step backwards. "Woah. For a 'mentally incompetent' Earth pony, you sure do seem to be able to wrap your mind around the Equestrian educational system. Sadly, no, that's not why I'm here. But, in the meantime, I'm sure you can relay all that information to Celestia yourself very soon."

Mrs. Cake abruptly interrupted the smooth flow of Midnight Moonbeam asking a question and Pinkie responding with an award-winning philosophical theoretical explaination of the Equestrian government. "Um, excuse me, Mr. Moonbeam, but do you mean you're taking Pinkie to... Canterlot? I really don't think we'll be able to take care of Sugarcube Corner without her. And who would watch the twins?" She pointed a hoof at Pound and Pumpkin Cake, who were being good little silly foals and banging wooden blocks together.

Midnight held out a hoof reassuringly. "Don't worry, ma'am. We can send some ponies to help compensate for the loss of one employee."

Mrs. Cake narrowed her eyes, clearly not convinced. "Are you sure your fancy shmancy Canterlot ponies can fully compensate for Pinkie here? She can bake a batch of perfect cupcakes in ten minutes flat. Are you sure your sophisticated unicorns with all their fancy magic are ready to take on that?"

Midnight Moonbeam sighed. "Ma'am, we will supply as many employees as needed until you have been fully compensated for Pinkie here, if not over-compensated. Ms. Pie, if you're ready, there's a chariot parked outside to take you to Canterlot. I'll explain your mission on the way there. Pack your bags, say goodbye, take all the time you need. Just be ready to leave by noon." He hastily exited to prepare the chariot.

Now that Midnight Moonbeam, also known as the intimidating government official, was gone, Pinkie turned to Mrs. Cake. "Why were you so nervous when I came in? He's just a government pony. And it's no use lying to them about my work schedule 'cause they're watching all the time and they'll find out the truth eventually."

Mrs. Cake stared at Pinkie incredulously. "Pinkie, don't you see? That's just it! He's from the government. He's here to recruit you for some probably very high-paying job, and those Canterlot ponies care about schedules and timing more than just about anything else."

Pinkie shrugged and trotted around Sugarcube Corner, packing her belongings in her saddle bags for the trip. She was just about to trot out the door when Mrs. Cake noticed two suspicious-looking lumps in Pinkie's saddle bags, and some brown and orange fur sticking out from under the flaps.

"Pinkie..." she sighed. "You can't take the twins with you." Pinkie lifted the flap of her saddlebag and placed the twins back on the ground with a sheepish grin before heading out the door to the chariot.

"Have fun, Pinkie!" Mrs. Cake called after her. "And don't forget to bruuuuuuush!"

Author's Note

There may be some typos in there, if there are just comment 'em and I'll fix them as soon as possible!
The whole government support money thing was poking fun at the fact that the biggest states get the most educational support money and usually win all of the big national competitions, and with most states the money goes to really pointless, inconvenient things with no real effective long-term effect in the educational system, like college in Equestria.

Chapter 2 - To Canterlot!

A fancy golden chariot pulled by two royal Pegasus guards zoomed through the sky, flying toward Canterlot. In the chariot sat a dark blue unicorn stallion and a pink Earth pony mare.

"So, Miss Pinkie Pie. You already know, I'm from the government, but I bet you're probably wondering why exactly I'm here, and what it has to do with you," said Midnight Moonbeam.

Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes. "You bet your pink poofy penguins, I wanna know why I got roped into this. I'm not leaving Ponyville without a good reason!" She pulled a parachute out of her saddle bags. "And if I wanna stay in Ponyville, I have a parachute and plenty of experience jumping off moving, high speed transportation modes."

Midnight sighed and smacked his forehead with one hoof. "Miss Pie, if you're content with staying in Ponyville, that is perfectly okay with us. But, at least give us a chance to explain."

Pinkie put the parachute back in her saddle bags, her eyes still narrowed. She crossed her hooves stubbornly. "Fine. Explain. But make it quick. I don't have all day." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Oh, wait! I do have all day! Silly me!"

Midnight pulled a vanilla folder out from behind his back. He opened it and hoofed through the papers inside. "Miss Pie, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is one of the most dangerous operations that we have been faced with in... well, in the history of Equestria, really. We've lost many of our best operatives on this mission. We decided to try a different approach — a new recruit. As I was looking through all the files we have on all the ponies in Equestria, I found your record. I must say, very impressive. You're an Element of Harmony, for starters. That alone was enough to qualify you. But you're also capable of pulling objects out of nowhere, as am I."

To emphasize, he pulled a balloon out from behind his back and handed it to Pinkie.

Pinkie burst out laughing. "Haha! Oh, sweet Celestia! Just a balloon? That's nothing!" She pulled her entire Party Cannon out from behind her back and fired it right then and there. Confetti and streamers rained down from the chariot to the Equestrian countryside far below, like flecks of rainbows falling from the sky.

Midnight's jaw dropped down to the ground — well, to the floor of the chariot. "Well — I, ah, that's exactly why we decided to consider you. We've acquired lots of evidence of you easily accomplishing nearly impossible feats with barely any effort. And that, Miss Pinkie Pie, is exactly why we think that you're the perfect candidate for this mission." Midnight leaned back in his cushioned fancy chariot chair, having stated his point.

Pinkie clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Wow, you guys chose me out of every pony in Equestria? That's sooooo coooool! Usually, everyone relies on Twilight to do everything anytime something goes wrong. But now, Celestia wants me to save the world and be a super duper Pinkie Pie spy! So, what are the details of this super secret dangerous deadly probably-not-gonna-walk-away-from-this-with-all-four-hooves mission, eh?" Pinkie rubbed her front hooves together in anticipation.

Midnight laughed. "Well, Miss Pie, we're almost to Canterlot. Once we reach Headquarters, Celestia herself will debrief you on the mission herself."

Pinkie's jaw dropped and her eyes widened to the size of cupcakes. "Celestia can debrief me even though I don't even have briefs? Wow, I never knew Celestia was that powerful!"

Midnight Moonbeam sighed. The rest of this chariot ride was gonna be really, reeeeally long.

Author's Note

Some of these first chapters may be kinda short on word count, but what I lack in lenght I'll try to make up for in content and storyline. Once the story starts to get a little more interesting, the chapter length should increase. The next chapter should be considerably longer than this one.

Chapter 3 - Headquarters

Pinkie Pie stumbled off the chariot and barely made it to a trash can before throwing up. Midnight Moonbeam followed her with a slight chuckle. "A little airsick, eh, Miss Pie?"

"Yep," Pinkie muttered, before leaning over the trash can and barfing again.

"It's natural. That was a long trip. You'll be fine soon," Midnight commented. "In the meantime, we're due at Headquarters in..." Midnight glanced at a watch on his hoof that Pinkie was pretty sure hadn't been there five seconds ago. "Oh, shoot! C'mon, Pinkie! We're due in five minutes, and it takes at least fifteen minutes to get across town!" Midnight immediately ran toward the big Canterlot street to attempt to get a taxi.

Pinkie, done barfing for the time being, trotted over to Midnight. "Um... you're a unicorn. Can't you just... hmm, I dunno... maybe teleport?"

Midnight rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Huh. Good point. Thing is. I'm not exactly Celestia when it comes to using magic. Magic is... a bit of a struggle for me. But I guess I can try." Midnight closed his eyes and concentrated. His horn began to glow golden, the same shade as his eyes. Pinkie blinked, and in that moment, she and Midnight were transported outside a huge skyscraper.

Pinkie stared at the enormous building. "Most of it is underground," remarked Midnight. Pinkie followed Midnight into the building. A tan unicorn mare with a long red mane approached them. "I'm sorry, nopony is allowed inside without identification." Midnight pulled out a small card and showed it to the mare, who nodded and allowed them to pass.

Midnight led Pinkie through a maze of hallways and elevators till they reached the top floor. They stood outside an office, in front of two polished wooden doors with an elaborate sun design carved on them. Midnight took a step forward and turned to face Pinkie. "Now you get to meet Celestia," he said, and pushed the doors open.

Pinkie trotted into the office and spun in a complete circle, looking at everything. "Whooooah." She thought that the doors had been elaborate, even for Canterlot. They were nothing compared to the office. And right in front of her, sitting behind a desk that must have cost at least a million bits, sat Princess Celestia herself.

"So, Midnight. This is the new recruit, I take it." Midnight trotted in after Pinkie, closing the door quietly. He cleared his throat. "Yes, ma'am, this is the new recruit."

Celestia placed her hooves together on the desk and looked at Pinkie. "So, kid. What's your name?"

Pinkie turned her head a full 45 degrees to the side in confusion. "Princess Celestia, you know me! Pinkamena Diane Pie, Element of Laughter!" She hopped around Celestia's desk. "Oh, I've done sooo much stuff for you! I'm surprised you don't remember me. Like that time you forgot Luna's birthday and I had to bake about a bajillion cupcakes amd then they were all gone after the first five minutes of the party and I had to spend the rest of the party baking! And I missed pin the tail on the Cranky Doodle Donkey! You mean you don't remember that?"

Celestia rubbed her forehead. "Pinkie, I have over a million royal subjects. I'm bound to forget one now and then. So, how much has Midnight told you about your mission?"

Pinkie pulled out a notepad and flipped through the pages. "Hmm... something about a super dangerous mission and being chosen in particular out of all the ponies in Equestria. That's all I got." She shrugged and put the notebad behind her back.

"Well, then, Pinkie, you've got a lot of listening to do," Celestia said. She pressed a red button on the underside of her desk and soundproof glass panels slammed shut across the office door and windows.

"Gaah!" Pinkie jumped and clung to the ceiling, startled. She quickly pulled out horseshoes with plunger heads on them, which she quickly put on her hooves. Pinkie then cautiously crept down the wall until she was on the ground again. "What the — why is there glass covering every possible escape route?"

Celestia chuckled. "Soundprood glass. Confidential information. Can't have everypony blabbing about it. Anyway, your mission is as follows. A group of ponies in Germaneigh have been devising plans for a new nuclear weapon that could wipe Equestria off of the map once it's completed. We've lost many of our top agents on this very mission. None have been successful. Your task, as an agent, is to infiltrate the compound and destroy the weapon. I personally have lots of confidence that you can do it, Pinkie."

Pinkie grinned. "Sounds great! When do I get secretly transported overseas to start this amazingfully exciting mission?" She hopped in excitement.

Celestia frowned. "Ah... about that. You can't begin a mission without training. And you can only be trained by an experienced agent. And most of our best agents are out on missions right now."

Pinkie tilted her head in confusion. "An experienced agent? You mean I get to meet a real agent?!" Pinkie jumped around the office like a kangaroo on a sugar high. "So, when does my training begin?"

Celestia stood up and pressed the red button again, retracting the soundproof glass. "To meet your new trainer, we have to go underground — to base." She trotted over to the office doors and led Pinkie and Midnight through another maze of hallways and elevators until they reached an underground facility bustling with ponies.

Pinkie gaped at all the ponies rushing to and fro, researching data for various missions. "Whoaaa. Are these all agents?" She turned in circles, taking in every detail.

Midnight rushed around helping out and keeping ponies in order. He stopped running for a moment to answer Pinkie's question. "Ah, nope. Most of them research information to assist missions. A few of them are agents, but this is just mission control."

Celestia left Midnight to handle mission control and led Pinkie down another hallway. They emerged into another bustling room. Instead of being lined with computers, the walls were lined with lots of high-tech equipment. "Pinkie Pie, welcome to the training base. One of these agents here is going to train you to be one of the best agents we've ever had." Celestia walked over to a microphone, which was connected to the training base's intercom. "Senior agents, report to the conference room immediately."

Pinkie hopped around, looking at everything. "Ooh! Senior agents! Exciting!" She followed as Celestia led the way to the conference room. They were soon joined by five other ponies.

"Senior agents, this is our new recruit, Pinkie Pie." Pinkie sat down beside Celestia and looked around the table at all of the other agents. She was surprised that she recognized all of them. The senior agents were Vinyl Scratch, Spitfire, Lyra, and —

"Omigoshomigoshomigosh!" Pinkie hopped around to the other side of the table and wrapped her hooves around the other two agents... her very own sisters. "Inkie! Blinkie! What're you guys doing in Canterlot? After I left the rock farm and moved to Ponyville, I thought I'd never ever see you guys again! You have absolutely NO idea how much I missed you!"

Inkie laughed nervously. "Yeah, Pinkie, uh... we... we missed you too."

Celestia smiled. "Well, Pinkie. I guess we know what agents are going to train you."

Author's Note

OOH! A cliffhanger! And Pinkie's sisters suddenly appearing and not seeming too excited to see her! Oh, the suspense!

Prologue

"Celestia, ma'am! You need to see this!" A navy blue stallion burst into the office of Celestia, leader of the Equestrian government and director of the Equestrian Secret Operation Services, the ESO.

Celestia sighed, awaiting the impending bad news. "What is it, Midnight Moonbeam?" she asked hesitantly, wondering if she really wanted an answer.

Midnight Moonbeam nervously read to Celestia the paper he held clutched in his hoof. "At eleven-hundred hours last night, we lost contact with—", his voice cracked. "We — we've lost all contact with agent 245, ma'am." Midnight wiped a tear from his eye with a dark indigo hoof, the tear staining his coat an even darker shade of blue.

Celestia reclined in her chair, deep in thought. "So many agents lost... 245 was one of our best. But we have to eliminate this threat. One way or another, we'll find a way." She sighed. "Midnight, how many agents do we have currently available?"

Midnight Moonbeam hastily pulled out a clipboard from behind his back and flipped quickly through the pages. "Um... very few, ma'am. Agent 231 is currently investigating the poisoned muffin mishap in Ponyville. She's the most available we have."

Celestia leaned forward and placed her hoofs together on top of her polished wooden desk. "Midnight, I hate for it to have to come to this, but..."

"No, please! You can't send me into the field, ma'am! I'm a secretary, not a trained operative! I don't even have preliminary field training!"

Celestia sighed, a small smile spreading across her face. "Oh, Midnight, that's not what I was even beginning to imply. We need more operatives, and look at Equestria — a huge country, filled with ponies. Certainly, somewhere, there has to be a pony that fits our emergency recruitment qualifications. And your mission — which, may I add, is far from a field operation — is to find a pony that will fit our needs. Any pony will do. Look around Canterlot, Manehattan, Los Pegasus, Ponyville, go all the way to the Crystal Empire, I don't care. But we need another operative. And we need one now!" She slammed her hoof down on top of the desk for emphasis, a cup of pencils falling off the corner and scattering on the ground.

Midnight hastily saluted and rushed out of the office, tripping over his own hooves in his carelessness. "Don't worry, ma'am! I'll find an operative! I won't let you down!"

Celestia smiled. "Oh, Midnight, I know you'll find a pony somewhere. I'm not worried one bit."

Author's Note

Kinda sloppy for a prologue, and I know it doesn't explain much, but things will clear up eventually.