Servile

I’d always wondered what it was like to be invisible. The whole time that I sat there during that meeting I wanted little more than to fade into transparency as I’d always hoped, as both Magpie and the other stranger guard kept glancing at me as if I was some sort of exotic animal that Dusk had brought in on a leash. Nothing bothered me more than to be talked around, especially after the events that led to me being a succubus, with both Solaris and Cadenza ignoring me as if I wasn’t there. Now Shimmer Shield, the head of the guard, was doing her best not to so much as glance in my direction. I knew why she was doing it, mostly in order to keep me out of the meeting for my own sake. If I was dragged in Magpie would have torn me to pieces, for as the discussions drug on she didn’t so much as bat an eye at her fellows. The bat-mare debated her points with a precision that could rival Dusk Shine’s as he fought to overturn her rather base suggestions. If it had been up to the night guard we would sentence most of our prisoners to a swift death, or sell them to Changelings for a profit. I personally began to loathe the unprincipled, cowardly mare the more she talked. It was as if her points made every bit of sense, but they ignored or otherwise skimmed over the moral part of every discussion. She never looked at it from the perspective of a pony, only at cold facts.

Dusk managed to argue around and bury almost all of her moves, but soon even he began to get irritated. Her demeanour was tactless and straightforward, with no sort of cushioning or restrictions on her speech. She didn’t bother to censor the total goals of her proposed policies, which in most debates was good, but her final goals were downright atrocious. She put a spotlight on the easy, quick disposal of the prisoners in Canterlot instead of rehabilitating them, or perhaps legalizing the main source of their incarceration. She ceased to look at them as ponies with lives that were being taken away from their families and jobs and took the perspective of them being criminals, each and every one, with all cruel motivations and thus they should all be treated the same. I did little but blink and wince every now and again if one of them raised their voice over the other; mostly Shimmer Shield to talk down Magpie’s heartless approach to her circle of jurisdiction. Dusk only turned up his volume once during the meeting, and that was the protest the bat-mare’s proposal of selling the prisoners to Changelings. It took him a long time to calm down from that, and even longer to get him to not consider firing her on the spot.

At long last the meeting was over, but not even a moment after I stood up to leave did I hear a small cough echo through the mostly empty room. Magpie had left, thankfully saving me from another vocal flogging, and as I turned to see who was trying to get my attention I saw only the bystander guard, the one that had remained stoically silent throughout the entire meeting. Dusk stood next to me, waiting for me to leave, but I turned and trotted over to the strange stallion, wondering what a guard would want with a young succubus colt such as I. I stopped short of him and glanced upwards, into the pale-coated pegasi’s eyes. He seemed sympathetic as he began, a rather understanding tone lent to his already smooth voice.

“You might not know me, but I’m the manager of the guard’s quarters… I basically supervise everything that goes on in the barracks. Magpie mentioned that you were a servant, yes?”

I nodded. “To the princes… why?”

“I needed a spare pair of hooves to clean out the guard’s rooms tonight.” He shrugged. “I’d pay you, if you’d like. See, the guards aren’t the most hygienic, so we need to clean out their rooms and go through inspections and such. If you’d like I could just walk you through it, take you through a room or two and let you go on your own. After than just report anything to me and clean up. Nothing big.”

“Actually.” Dusk Shine said, trotting up beside me and putting a wing across my back. “He has other things to be doing. Like studying potions, just as Lune wanted him to be.”

The prince aimed to steer me away from the guard, but the stallion stepped in front of Dusk, reacting faster than the scholar could. He gave the prince a withering look and glanced down at me, as if in disdain of my lack of will.

“Can’t you let the kid make her own decisions?” The guard inquired.

“I-I’m a colt.” I stuttered.

“I have orders.” Dusk said, keeping me tucked under his wing protectively. “Tell him what happened to the last pony you invited to ‘clean out the guard’s rooms’, why don’t you? See if Felt wants anything to do with you after that.”

The stallion scowled, looking down at me covetously. “That was an accident, and I had nothing to do with any of that nonsense. It was just a few of my best who’d had a little too much to drink.”

“And then proceeded to invited a pony to clean out the guard’s quarters with them, construct an elaborate scheme to convince him to test the locks on a pair of shackles, and then they watched as their little prank devolved into something terrible? I wouldn’t call that an accident, I’d call that premeditated. Just because I don’t want Felt falling for anything like that, you’re being bitter.”

The guard stepped out of the way, grumbling something about the royals ruining all of their fun. I looked back at the guard and wondered why a pony would be tempted to do such things, why a good stallion would want affection so badly then as to take some vague, twisted form of it and call it ‘fun’. Dusk herded me out of the room, not wanting to spend any more time in the North Wing. Magpie smiled at me and waved a hoof from across the wide corridor, whispering something to a stallion before pointing at me and mouthing a derogatory word. I wondered how these ponies weren’t locked up, how they weren’t deemed criminals. Dusk saw the look on my face and pulled me a bit closer, leaning down slightly to whisper an explanation.

“That guard back there is only one rank above a novice, and he’s only been here for a year. The incident we mentioned happened with a bunch of first-year guards, drunk as skunks and suffering from withdrawal from their opposite gender. So, being a bunch of moral-less hedonists, they tempted a new recruit into their quarters, bound him and did some rather… unsavoury things. Mostly we only ever experience problems of such gravity with the new guards, but… Magpie is a senior officer, untouchable due to her experience. She didn’t pose any problems until right after we gave her tenure, and we couldn’t be rid of her. Now she causes no end of trouble, including wandering off during important festivals, getting massages from the locals, asking them for sex, partying, etc. Which led to Lune finding you, of course, since it was during his festival that she slacked off and proceeded to do the first two in order.”

I blinked, wondering how such a well-trained individual could have changed, with the world in her hooves and a higher purpose to serve. How could she have just turned her back on her morals?

As if he’d read my mind, Dusk replied. “She’s jealous, you know. As with most ponies of her unfortunate disposition, she will constantly pine for a position in life she can’t receive. She wanted to be our servant before you, but Solaris, Cadenza and Lune all turned her down. She’s always been spiteful, and she still harbours that against us. Hence her extremely cold outlook on life. We even told her that we could give her a nice position high up on the ladder simply arranging housing for guardsponies, and she turned it down. She told us that it was beneath her, and that she deserved to serve us directly. She even went after me begging to be let in as a maid. Solaris told me of her recent track record, and I knew that I’d probably have to worry about money missing from my wallet. Thus, I turned her down as well. She hasn’t gotten over it to this day.”

I shook my head, sighing. It seemed that more than a few ponies either wanted the position I held as a servant or thought I was a foal for agreeing to take it. I’d met two very differing opinions in the last few hours, and in all I wanted little more than to curl up into a ball and sleep. I’d almost been lured into a trap with a guard captain, and Dusk had been forced to escort me from the room. All told I was stressed, and wanted little more than to lay down. Dusk saw the look on my face and continued to talk as we made a beeline towards the Southern Wing.

“You know Solaris might want you, now that he’s calmed down.” He stated, glancing down the corridor that led to his tower. “After all, he’s bound to have something for you to do. I’d recommend apologizing first, though, seeing as how you kind of delivered him a weapon earlier.”

“You really think so?” I asked, wondering just what I would be doing if I spent the rest of the evening with the scholar, instead of my usual master. “What’re you doing tonight, if I may?”

“Mostly reading.” The scholar said nonchalantly. “Nothing you’d be interested in. Just things about upkeep when binding creatures from other planes of existence to this one. “

I blinked pointedly and turned my attention to my hooves, not knowing whether to confirm his suspicions or not. He seemed to get the point and chuckled, gesturing off in the direction of Solaris’ corridor. I nodded and bid him farewell before I trotted off, en route to Solaris’ tower, wondering just what Lune was doing at the moment. I knew that he was most likely doing paperwork, as usual, but in a way I wished that I was there, keeping him company. I pondered that as I made my way across the rotunda to my master’s chambers, curious as to whether he’d forgiven me for my previous transgression. I opened the door to the tower with ease, the spell on the massive redwood doors recognizing me from my many times of entering and leaving. I hadn’t taken more than a few steps before I’d reconsidered, wondering just how furious Solaris would be if I visited him, despite the fact that he’d specifically told me to leave him be.

I made sure to avoid Solaris’ study and instead veered off towards the part of the tower that held the library. I’d find Dusk there again and I could tell him how Solaris turned me away politely, as to avoid telling him that I’d been too scared to so much as knock on his study door. Before I’d made it a few steps a nagging itch came across the back of my neck, and I turned to see what it was.

Certain ponies can say that they almost had a heart attack at one point in their lives, out of pure shock. Most of those who say ‘you almost gave me a heart attack’ are simply exaggerating, because not many have ever experienced true terror. Turning around and seeing a draconequis floating but an inch behind your head, his breath brushing the hairs on the back of your neck, is a genuine reason to scream, run, and generally almost go into cardiac arrest. Before I could, however, Discord had me levitating a few inches off the ground, flailing helplessly.

“Not the most respectful way to react in the presence of your master’s friend.” The spirit said, regarding me coolly with those constantly quizzical, mismatched eyes of his. “I didn’t mean you any harm last time we met, but seeing as how you ran like a filly from a scary monster she found under her bed, I had little choice but to give chase.”

“You left me on the floor unconscious!” I protested, just before he held a single talon over my lips. I blushed at how demeaning he was being, unable to move anything but my lips, and not even those anymore as he held me in mid-air.

“I know, but did you expect me to deliver your body to Solaris saying ‘Here, friend! I know you’re hopelessly infatuated with this young girl of a colt, but I knocked him out on accident, so I was just hoping you could take care of it. Thanks a lot, see you next Tuesday!’?!” He droned, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Well…” I reached for a comeback. “I guess it makes sense when you put it like that…”

“I know, don’t remind me of how I’ve been… ‘reformed’.” He shuddered. “I’ve been making sense more than I care to lately. Now, I’m giving you prior warning this time, so brace yourself.”

The draconequis extended a claw, reaching to place it directly on my foreleg. I cringed and waited for his contact, unable to know just what was coming. His claw contacted me, and I swore it was almost like looking through a kaleidoscope. Trying to interpret what the draconequis was thinking was akin to attempting to map every firing neuron in a pony’s head, thousands of thoughts exploding into existence, then dying, just to be replaced by more than there were originally. It was strange; his mind didn’t dedicate itself to one specific thought process, instead divided his attention amongst hundreds of thousands at a time, none particularly related. It was hardly a wonder why everypony thought he was mad; nothing he thought was even remotely connected, without the tiniest strand of relativity between once thought to the next. I shrugged away from his claw, not wanting any more of it. The brief second of contact had left with a terrible headache, manifesting itself directly behind my eyes. I could hardly wonder just what would have happened if I’d stayed in contact any longer, if I’d have been knocked out or perhaps my mind would begin to function something like his, I couldn’t know.

“Well, you didn’t faint this time.” He acknowledged, setting me down while stroking his beard. “Curious how you can grow and adapt to fit the needs of different psyches… it makes me wonder if you never truly had a choice in all of this.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at the spirit.

“Let’s stop and think for a moment, shall we?” He grinned, summoning a lounge chair, which hovered midair as he took as seat, beginning his lecture. “If you look back at this chain of events that led to you serving Lune, you must begin to look at, not yourself, but others around you and their effects on your mind. Let’s begin with this; the mare that set everything in motion, Magpie. She comes into the spa that day, and you touch her whilst massaging her. Your mind begins to acclimate to hers, leaving you with a heightened sense of dependency and loyalty on those of higher standing. Not even hours later Lune comes in, and since his will is much stronger and he wants you to be more servile, but loyal to him, your mind begins to meld a bond with him the moment you make contact. That explains how hard it was for you to separate and become Solaris’ servant as well. Then, Solaris melds your mind into an extremely loose, all-obedient creature that will do anything for him. Then you contact Cadenza and Shimmer Shield, righting your sense of morality. Then, Solaris is appeased, thus you become appeased when you contact him next, and your mental well-being is once again in order, though he still forces his lust upon you, leading to him taking you in the bedroom Lune gave to you.

The more you think about it, the less it would seem you influenced the events around you, and the more it seems like you just mentally adapted to be the most suitable pony for your current master, doesn’t it? Of course, though it’s just a theory… once that seems to make perfect sense, but a hypothesis at best.”

“I know better than to listen to you.” I said, taking a step backwards, almost unable to bear what he was telling me. “You’re a liar.”

“Of course I am… well, was. Now I can’t lie. I can tell you what I believe though, and I think that, based on the facts presented through the timeline of cause and effect, that you are simply constantly becoming whatever anypony wants to be, with no sense of core self. That… perhaps before Lune discovered you, you did your best to optimize your abilities to serve the pony who you knew, deep down, would one day come along and steal what you thought was your sense of ‘self’. In a nutshell, I don’t believe that the pony gifted with that Cutie Mark there,” He gestured at my flank. “ will ever be able to possess themselves as an individual, because they aren’t an individual at all. Think about it, Felt. When Solaris asked you if you wanted to return to your life, what was your initial reaction? Because if I recall correctly, you asked him what he thought you should do, instead of taking it from your own will. You couldn’t even imagine making a decision that gave you free will, because you never truly had one. You were always waiting for a pony with enough power to control you, to herd you like a sheep, and like a sheep you are content to sacrifice your sense of self and be whatever your owner dresses you as, so long as you don’t have to do the one thing that scares you the most. So long as you mustn’t choose.”

“That is…” I didn’t want to say what it truly was, because it came startlingly close to correctness. “… that isn’t really what I was thinking…”

“But it was.” The spirit chuckled, turning to leave. “You were afraid of wandering, of having no purpose because you were unable to devise one for yourself. You never had a goal in life because you couldn’t find one, so you let the goals of others be yours, and you learned of their wants through your gift. You can’t have a want of your own; instead you must steal them from others, constantly unable to think of yourself because that’s how it has been since you were a foal. You have never had to formulate what to do for yourself, so you are incapable of doing so now. You never had free will, little colt. You’ve only ever thought of what others want of you. Without another pony to rely upon, you are nothing.”

He snapped his fingers with a resounding click, and disappeared.

I sat on the floor of my bedroom, unable to think. What had I’d just been told? Discord had rattled my entire worldview, and now I couldn’t see through my own eyes without thinking that perhaps somepony was manipulating me. Was that all my life had been up until then, a constant cycle of me receiving everypony’s expectations of me, and I trying to fulfil them? Had I ever had an independent thought? Even moving to Ponyville had been a suggestion from Aloe and Lotus, who’d offered me a job there almost the moment I graduated. Had I truly just sleepwalked through life until that point, unaware of the fact that I was quite literally unable to make my own choices? The more I picked through my head the more it made sense, and the more horrifyingly aware of my dependence on others I became. The books I bought and filled my shelves with were all textbooks that had been from the reading list for my college syllabus, and my clothes were all those that I’d seen other mares wearing, some of which I’d given massages to and others still I’d simply bumped into on the street.

The sad truth came over me like a tidal wave, and I sank the floor in a miserable heap. I truly hadn’t made my own decisions up until then. Even my plan to change into a dragon after a succubus was based upon Lune’s suggestions. The tattoo I’d wanted as a young colt was merely a conglomerate of two drawings I’d seen in an art exhibit, and the carpet and wallpaper I’d selected for my room had been the same ones that had adorned my college dorm room. Nothing in my life had been original, only borrowed, altered or taken from somepony else. My idea of becoming a masseuse had been given to me by Aloe one day while I was in the Ponyville spa with my mother, and my choice of going to the castle was entirely taken from Lune. It made me question myself more than I ever had, and then one thought hit me that made me want to cry; that perhaps my love for Lune hadn’t been real.

Had I truly loved Lune before I’d laid my hooves on him the first time? Such a question was difficult to answer, as I could scarcely recollect that night almost two weeks ago. I might have been in awe of him, yes. Perhaps overwhelmed by his presence or at least mildly attracted to him as any sane stallion would? Absolutely. But in love… it scared me to think that perhaps my mind had simply adapted into what Lune wanted of me, and he’d wanted infatuation, adoration and a mutual partner. I’d become his mutual partner, until Solaris gotten a hold of me. The first time he lay his hooves on me and I became his servant as well, my mind molding into the selfless, mindless slave that he’d wanted until he was done being carnally driven, then he wanted a simple servant. I’d become right again when I’d been exposed to Cadenza and Shimmer Shield, and all of the sudden I couldn’t feel my hooves.

“Who am I?” I simpered, burying my face in the carpet miserably.

The more I thought the more it hurt; it pained me to know that perhaps nothing I’d ever done was truly of my own volition. Nothing is more agonizing than knowing that you weren’t original, just a frankenstein-like chimera consisting of sown-together pieces of personality, borrowed from others. I had Lune’s loyalty and trust, the lustful obedience Solaris had instilled me with, the moral conscience and sense of morality I’d gained from Cadenza and Shimmer Shield, and finally the little pieces of myself, which weren’t truly me, but sown-together shards of hundreds of ponies whom I’d met before I came to the castle. I felt like a hideous creature, unable to think of anything original, only take things in like some sort of leech bent upon being a sycophant, if only to compensate for the fact that I was nothing but hollow inside. A disgusting, pieced-together mind that was made of spare parts, only stolen from other ponies against their wills.

I looked over at my dresser and began to sob uncontrollably, curling my tail around my back leg in the depths of my self-loathing. So it was true, that none of this had truly been of my own making. I’d been guilty of nothing more than existing, and that in and of itself was a sin in my eyes. I wasn’t supposed to exist, by all standards. Ponies were individuals; true they called upon their past experiences for things, but they could make random, heat of the moment decisions that characterized free will. They possessed true sentience. Whereas I was incapable of such feats, just like when Solaris had asked me if I’d wanted to leave. I was incapable of throwing myself against probability and my past experiences, and thus it could truly be said that I wasn’t fully animate. I was a horrible, mentally deformed creature, devoid of free will and to be scorned, pitied. I wasn’t a pony more than I was a parasite, some sort of awful accident that had spawned forth from an unfortunate alignment of all the wrong stars.

I continued to weep until I noticed a box, a most familiar redwood box laying down on the edge of my dresser. I crouched and slunk over to it, my head bowed to the floor like the beast I was, taking the box off of the dresser and setting on the floor where I belonged. I opened it and my eyes cleared for the first time in almost an hour; it was Meredith’s Sting, the blade Sunset Shimmer had given to me for delivery to Solaris. I shut the lid, shaking my head. At first I thought to myself how good and sweet death sounded, if only it meant that I didn’t steal the traits of another pony. I shook my head, however, pushing the box away before slinking over to the edge of my bed, curling into a singularity of pure agony. Simply knowing that I existed hurt, as if I was an insult to all living beings. I dug my sharp hooves into my back leg, jabbing my tail into my side at the same time, trying to feel the pain I deserved. Nothing happened, and I suddenly became aware that a succubus couldn’t truly feel pain.

I cried anew, wondering what sort of hell I was in. I continued to sob into my wing until I caught a glimpse of my Cutie Mark through my blurred vision, my eyes clouded with tears. I began to dejectedly loathe every part of my body, until finally my gaze and mind settle on the Mark together. That was the source of my misery, of my inability to think for myself. This thing was the whole reason that I was a parasite, a sickening monstrosity incapable of acting on my own. This was the tyrant that had ruled my entire life, forced me into offer my heart to anypony who wanted it. I glared at the Mark I called my own; a simple heart, with a little bow tied around it, a present to any who wanted my affection. I loathed that mark as much as I loathed my own being, and in that moment I couldn’t help but think of it as a tyrant.

All of the sudden the word clicked in my head. ‘Tyrant.’ It echoed through my ears and I looked over to the knife in the box, my eyes widening in wonderment. Perhaps, just maybe the knife wasn’t just enchanted to stab the tyrants of the literal sort. I pulled the box closer with my tail, opening it and fumbling with the sharp, tempered metal handle until it was firmly in my grasp. I eyed my Cutie Mark, my hoof shaking as I thought of being free of my gift. I wanted to be free so badly, to be my own pony and make my own decisions. I wanted to be able to take chances, and stand up for myself as an individual. I would pursue that dream even if I had to carve the source of my handicap right out of my living flesh. I brought the knife to my flank, smiling as I ran the cold steel over my skin, even scraping away a few pieces of fur with the razor-sharp edge of the blade. I raised it, ready to plunge it into myself and finally take out the piece of me that had never belonged.

Just before I brought my hoof down to meet my flank I saw a flash of blue, and suddenly the blade was gone. I looked at my empty hoof for a moment in shock, then turned to see Lune in the doorway, his eyes wide, holding the knife with his magic a few inches away. I leapt up and sped across the room as fast as I could, wanting little more than to seize the knife from him and finish what I’d just been starting. The knife disappeared and he levitated me in place, his eyes wide in shock as I roared at him, screamed profanities I don’t remember in my blind rage. I called him so many things, an abuser and a rapist, a cruel stallion who’d taken advantage of me. He carried me over to the bed, still unable to comprehend what I’d been doing.

“Felt, what happened?” He asked in a gentle voice, setting me down on the mattress as if I was more fragile than glass. “You’re not making any sense, dear. Just explain to me why you’re upset, and I can help.”

He continued to talk to me in that calming voice until I gave up struggling, collapsing back into a pillow and weeping like a lost foal. I sobbed, but didn’t answer him as he leaned over me, petting my mane to comfort me as he kissed my ears, cooing and comforting me with his graces.

“Just tell me what happened, love.” He whispered soothingly.

I hiccupped, unable to form words for a few more minutes before I finally said. “My whole life has been a lie… all I ever do is borrow ideas and personalities from other ponies to please them, to make me more like-” I hiccupped in the middle of my sentence. “- them so they’ll like me. And if I can’t become like them I aim to please them, to make up for the fact that I’m nopony. I’ve never thought for myself, so I’ve never made my own decisions… I don’t even have free will. I’m worse than a dog, some sort of disgusting abomination, and when you came in I had Meredith’s Sting, and I was hoping that maybe I could cut out the tyrant that’s been ruling my life since I was born…”

Lune blinked, absorbing and thinking over every bit of information as I’d given him before he replied, in as low a voice as he could manage. “Everypony is a product of their past, Felt. You just a bit more so than others, and you were born with this gift for a reason. I don’t think that knife will have cured you of your empathy for others, or helped you gain free will. Nothing can change that now, dear… but I can tell you that you aren’t an abomination. You don’t make others miserable, and you most certainly aren’t incapable of making decisions. You might be a product of those around you, but you choose which facet you listen to. You choose whose personality to channel, and that in and of itself is a choice. I personally think that if you were incapable of choosing who you were, Solaris would have turned you into a beast by now.”

“B-but I can’t be on my own, Lune.” I turned to him, tears streaking my face. “I can never exist without another pony to know, otherwise I have nothing.”

“Oh, Felt.” The prince sighed, planting a kiss on my muzzle before continuing. “You just described so many normal ponies, who don’t even have your gift. Trying to be as others are is simply a natural occurrence, magnified by your skills. In no way does that make you something apart from the rest of us.”

I blinked, wondering how he was doing this. I’d been so sure, so set on sinking that knife into my skin before he’d come along, before he’d injected the voice of reason into me.

“No matter how many times I see you like this, Felt, I’ll always kiss every inch of you until you feel beautiful again.” Lune said, putting a hoof on my cheek. “You’re my partner, you’re my servant, my lover and conscience. You saved me from myself once, and it is the least I can do to save you from yourself.”

I curled myself into a ball and he wrapped his hooves around me, pulling me into his embrace.

“This is why I’ll always love you the most.” I whispered, wiping the last of my tears away.