New Pains and Old Regrets

by Pump It Up

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Sad, Princess Luna, Spike
Length: 3687

Many years after the arc of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has come to a close, the passing of Twilight’s friends pushes her past the brink of despair.

It has been more than five hundred years since Twilight first arrived by chariot on that life-changing day, and Princess Twilight Sparkle still resides in Ponyville at the Golden Oaks library. But with the deaths of her closest friends still weighing down on her, she makes a decision that not only affects her life, but the ponies around her.

Marked teen due to thematic elements.

Edited by retroman000 and Espeon_in_the_Morning and pre-read by Unoriginal and FLUTTERSHY2424.
Cover image by Neko-me. Previous cover art by AppleAlba.

Published 2014-02-09 23:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-20 20:24:25 UTC

Chapter 1

“Spike?”

“Not right now,” he mumbled through the pillow against his snout, “I’m in the middle of a gem cake.”

“Spiiiike?” The voice seemed insistent on getting his attention, disrupting his dream just as he was about to take the first bite of his mouth-watering cake. Spike groaned as his dream cake poofed out of existence.

“Spike!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Geez, Twi, don’t get your feathers in a ruffle,” Spike said, stretching and climbing out of bed.

By this point in time, the purple dragon had grown too large for the library, so he had to sleep in a separate structure outside. However, he had requested that it be as close to Twilight’s room as possible, both in distance and in height.

As a result, he was able to walk over a short bridge to Twilight’s room. Spike opened the enlarged window and stuck half of his body in.

“What is it?” he said, the look on his face making it clear that he was not amused by the rude awakening.

“Could you make me breakfast?” Princess Twilight Sparkle asked, child-like. Her stomach rumbled. “You make the best pancakes.”

Spike sighed. Whatever grumpiness he had evaporated. He never could say no to Twilight when she asked him like that. He also loved cooking pancakes, but that was beside the point. “Sure, Twi.”

He walked back along the bridge to his “house,” which consisted of his bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom with a shower specially designed to fit his needs, and a small greeting area.

Spike went over to the kitchen and opened the cupboard where he kept most of his pancake ingredients. Without using measuring utensils, he expertly mixed the ingredients and put the batter on the griddle. He waited about five minutes, then flipped them.

In no time, Spike had finished the pancakes and brought the platter to Twilight’s room. Twilight brought the plates, forks, syrup, and a flat surface for them to put the plates on.

The purple mare cut her pancakes up, drizzled them in syrup, and took her first bite. She chewed slowly, eyes closed in pleasure, and swallowed. “Delicious as always, Spike,” she complimented. Spike only smiled.

◊◊◊◊◊

After cleaning up, Twilight said, “Spike, you’ve been great these past few weeks. You deserve a break. Why don’t you… Why don’t you go to Rarity’s for a day or two?”

“Really?!” Spike exclaimed. “You mean it? You won’t call me halfway through the day, will you?” he added skeptically. It had happened more than often enough to warrant the dragon’s concern.

“No, Spike. Today, I am just going to relax.”

The dragon snickered. “Good luck with that.”

“Hey, I can relax!” Twilight playfully swatted Spike’s shoulder.

“Alright.” He smiled. “Bye Twilight!”

“Goodbye my number one assistant,” she replied softly. He did not notice the hint of sadness in her voice as he left her room.

◊◊◊◊◊

Spike’s head was so high in the clouds that he was almost to the Carousel Boutique before he realized something.

Rarity’s been dead for hundreds of years! Having said “Rarity’s place” for so many years, coupled with the fact that the Bearers received elongated lifespans, made him forget such a simple detail.

His eyes widened as something startling clicked in his brain; he raced back to the library, startling ponies and causing them to jump out of his way.

Why didn’t I see it earlier?!

◊◊◊◊◊

Twilight sighed as she saw Spike go out of sight. That should keep him for a while.

She felt bad to play on his lingering crush for Rarity, but it was a necessary evil; Spike would never allow her to try what she was about to do.

When she had first become an alicorn, Twilight had read up on all she could about the subspecies she now was in. She had read all the books that existed, and even some of the ones that were unknown by the populace. In many of them, they only stated what could not kill an alicorn due to the rapid healing abilities. She noticed something that was never mentioned: suicide.

She was never the same after the death of the last of her friends from Ponyville. Even though she knew it was harmful, she held her grief and sorrow inside. Before Fluttershy died, Twilight would go over to her cottage and talk; but after the passing of the pegasus mare, she kept everything inside, not even talking about it to Spike.

Recently, the thought of suicide came to her. The enormous pain of loss, coupled with the fact that she had been staying up late for what seemed like forever, caused her to think of it as logical; or rather, illogical, but with no better alternatives.

Downstairs, Twilight set down the dirty dishes and silverware in the sink. She pulled a regular knife out of a drawer with her magic and trotted upstairs. She sat on her bed and briefly contemplated where to cut. The purple mare shook her head to clear these thoughts and placed the knife near her neck.

WAIT! a voice inside her head screamed. Is this really the right thing to do?

Of course, she responded. I can’t stand to live anymore. I miss everypony, and I’m going to see them again.

But what about the country?

They've survived without me before, and they can again.

The princesses?

They’ve been through this more times than they can count. They’ll be fine.

What about Spike?

This question stopped her. Twilight lowered the knife. Spike?

Yes, Spike! Your number one assistant, your brother?

I’ll cast a spell, after this, that will cause him to follow me soon after I pass. It’ll drain me, but I don’t care.

You can’t be serious! That is cruel to everyone, and selfish! You shouldn’t—!

The voice was silenced with a gasp as Twilight’s life began being pumped from her neck, the knife clattering to the ground, dripping crimson.

Chapter 2

Spike burst through the window, shattering glass and frame. “Twilight!”

She was lying on the bed, blood still coming from her neck, soaking the already soaked sheets further. Spike managed to get himself in the room. “Twilight?”

Her eyelids fluttered.

Spike looked around for something, anything, that would explain what had happened. He spotted a note tucked between her feathers and pulled it out.

Dear Spike,

If you are reading this, then that means I have gone through with my decision.

I was sad, Spike.

All my friends were dying, and are dead, and I will probably never follow them. At least, not naturally.

Even though I am a logical mare, even logical mares have to grieve. Fluttershy was my counselor, and when she died, I couldn't talk about this to anypony else — not even you, Spike. I needed everypony to think that I was strong, that I would still be able to be a princess.

I would have talked to Cadence, but she and I have become distant, far more that I might have liked, and she has her own duties and responsibilities.

I love you, Spike. You were like a brother to me. I hope you understand why I did this.

See you soon,

Twilight Sparkle

Spike’s eyes went from the paper, to Twilight, and then the floor. His eyes narrowed as he noticed the knife.

“Twilight,” he muttered to himself, “I will not let you leave this way.” Spike scooped Twilight in his arms, careful to elevate her neck, and raced off to the Ponyville Hospital.

◊◊◊◊◊

Twilight. Twilight!

Twilight heard the voices calling through the blackness.

Twilight!

Is this what death is like? she asked herself. Where’s the light? A beam of light appeared, perfectly white, but not lighting up the whole area. There it is. She went towards the light, still hearing her name.

Twilight! Twilight, can you hear me?

Slowly, as she went farther and farther into the light, she began to feel pain in her neck and chest.

I don’t think you’re supposed to feel pain when you’re dead.

The light shut off, but now everything was starting to get brighter.

“…coming to,” a voice said.

What? Coming to what?

“Oh, thank goodness,” a familiar voice said.

Twilight breathed in, feeling the air make its way through her lungs.

Wait, air? Lungs?!

Twilight’s eyes flew open, and she sat up quickly, causing the world to spin and her to feel like vomiting.

“Easy, Princess!” the doctor said, coming back to her bedside. Twilight lay back down.

“Where am I?” she croaked.

“At the hospital,” the doctor replied. He was orange with a bright yellow mane, and wore a coat that obscured his cutie mark. “You were brought here after your incident. Spike” —he gestured to the dragon standing beside him— “was lucky to bring you when he did. Too much later and we wouldn't have been able to save you. As it was, we had a hard time finding your blood type.”

“Blood type?” Twilight glanced down, noticing a small sheet of clear, adhesive plastic on her chest, and beneath it, a needle in her skin. “I got a transfusion?”

“Yes.”

Trying to swallow with what little fluid she had in her mouth, she asked, “May I have some water, please?”

“Yes, of course.” The doctor picked up a tray with a cup of water on it in his mouth and brought it over to Twilight. She picked it up with her hooves, too tired to use magic, and took a sip. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

After finishing two glasses of water, Twilight said, “I never quite got your name.”

“I’m Dr. Apple Aday “

“You’re one of Applejack’s descendants, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

Twilight smiled wanly. “You don’t need to call me that. Just Twilight will do.”

“Okay, ‘Just Twilight.’ Now, I’m sure that the two of you will be wanting to talk, especially since you’ve been out for a week—”

“A WEEK?!” Twilight shouted.

“Calm down, Twi,” Spike said.

“Sorry.”

“Due to your loss of blood, and the length of time it took us to find the right type, we decided to take the liberty of putting you under for a while. Plus, you stayed unconscious longer than the average pony— but we all know you are not an average pony,” Dr. Apple Aday finished, smiling. Twilight gave a small smile back. “Well, I’ll leave you two to talk. I’ll be coming in later to make sure you’re doing alright.”

“Okay.” As soon as the door was closed, Twilight turned to Spike. “Spike, I—”

Spike enveloped her in a hug. “Don’t you ever do that again,” he said into her coat. He released her. “Why wouldn’t you talk to me?”

The mare sighed. “I’m a princess, Spike. Everypony leans on me, expects me to be strong. You needed me to be strong, a shoulder to cry on. The other princesses have their own countries to run. They can't be bothered by me.”

“Twi,” Spike said, “you could have come to me. I wouldn’t have told anypony, and we would have been able to help each other grieve. The princesses would have gladly stopped everything and helped you. You forget, the whole country grieved too. You aren’t alone.”

The door opened, and Dr. Apple Aday poked his head in. “Visitor for you, Twilight. He pulled his head back, and Cadence walked it, wearing a crystal choker.

“Hi Twilight,” she said.

“Hi Cadence!” Twilight said. “That was rather quick.”

“I’ve visited every day. I’m staying at the library. I hope that’s alright with you.”

“Oh. Yeah, it’s fine.”

Cadence pulled up a chair to the hospital bed and sat down. She rubbed her eyes, which had bags underneath. “Twilight, I want to talk to you.”

“Sure,” Twilight said. “Go ahead.”

Cadence took a breath. “Do you remember when Shining Armor died?”

“Of course,” Twilight softly said. “How could I? He is… was my own brother.”

“After he died, I withdrew into myself. Sure, I was able to run the country, but it was no longer happy work, or even boring; everywhere I went reminded me of him. Eventually, it got to the point where I wouldn’t come out of my room unless I was to give a speech or visit another country.

“When I was in my room, I would cry and cry for hours. The castle staff was smart enough to make sure that nothing sharp got into my room. However… however, there must have been a new pony, because…” Cadence took a shaky breath and looked down. Twilight glanced at the choker and then at Spike. He looked back worriedly.

“Cadence,” she said, “you don’t have to—”

“Because there was a knife on the food tray and I took it and… I did what you did. I didn’t talk to any pony, didn’t get out my grief. That’s why I where this choker.” The pink alicorn pointed to the crystal jewelry. “I wear it not only to hide the scars that I purposely wanted left behind, but to remind me of the mistake I made, the horrible choice I decided. The wrong choice.” Cadence looked up, tears in her eyes. “And evidently, you made the same one.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”

“It’s alright.” The two sisters-in-law embraced.

Cadence broke the hug and held Twilight at foreleg-length. “Don't you ever do that again.”

“I won’t. I promise. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Twilight winced, the promise bringing back memories of a certain pony.

The room door opened again, and a nurse came in. “We need to do some checks on you, Yo— Twilight.” The nurse said to Cadence and Spike, “You’ll have to leave the room for a few minutes.”

“Alright,” replied Cadence.

Spike took a few seconds before also saying, “Okay.”

Cadence walked out of the room first, followed by Spike, who glance back at Twilight and gave her a small smile. Twilight smiled back, and the door closed.

Chapter 3

“Well, Twilight, turns out you’re well enough to leave!” Dr. Apple Aday said cheerfully.

It had been a couple of days since her talk with Cadence. She had decided, similar to Cadence, to leave a scar on her neck; however, it wasn’t noticeable if you just glanced at it. Twilight would rather not wear any more jewelry than necessary.

“Now I can get back to work.” She glanced up at Spike, who was standing beside her. “And spend time with those I care about.”

When the two got home, Twilight went straight to her room, and Spike went to his house. Twilight pulled out a traveling chest and started filling it.

It didn’t take long for her to fill it up and go over to Spike’s house. She found him in his greeting area.

“Spike, I’m going to Canterlot for a few weeks.”

He frowned. “So soon?”

“Yes. I need to talk to Tia and Luna about… You know.”

“I understand.” Spike gave the alicorn a hug. “Be careful.”

Twilight broke away. “I will.”

◊◊◊◊◊

Twilight had decided to take the train instead of a chariot or flying; Dr. Apple Aday had recommended no high-altitude activities for a month or two. It took some convincing for the ticket pony to let her pay for the train ticket and be in coach. As it was, ponies would constantly come up and talk to her.

You will never truly get used to it, Celestia had once said.

It was just after Twilight’s coronation and coronation party; all her friends had gone to bed, and Luna was attending to her duties. Celestia and Twilight had stayed up talking.

Celestia had looked relieved, and Twilight attributed that to the fact that she didn’t have to put on a façade for anypony. Twilight was assured of this because of what Celestia said—

“You never truly get used to it,” Twilight said, echoing her memory.

◊◊◊◊◊

When Twilight arrived at Canterlot, she went straight to the castle—at least, as straight as one can when one is royalty. All in all, it made what should have been a forty-five minute journey into a one-and-a-half hour ordeal.

She trotted up the steps to the entrance. The guards posted at the door saluted, and nodded up to the ones above to open the gate, revealing Celestia, whose mane seemed a little more limp and whose eyes seemed baggy.

“Tia!” Twilight cried, racing towards the white alicorn and giving her a hug. Celestia gave her a short hug back.

“I heard about what you did,” she said.

“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never, ever do that again!”

“Do you know how much I— everypony would have missed you?”

“Yes. Tia, could I talk to you?” asked Twilight.

“About what?”

“About… how you’ve coped.”

Celestia’s muscles tightened slightly. “I have much work to do right now,” she said quickly. “Maybe later.”

“O-okay,” Twilight said.

“How long will you be staying?” Celestia asked cordially.

“Maybe a week?”

“Why don’t you sleep in Luna’s wing?” The way she said it was more like a command than a question. “I must be going.” Celestia turned sharply and walked away.

Now Twilight was even more confused. Why in Luna’s wing of the castle? I’m always in Celestia’s. The lavender mare turned and looked at the sky, the warm colors percolating into the earth.

Luna is probably up!

Twilight walked to where Luna held the night court and peeked into the large room. No pony was there except for the princess of the night, sitting on her ebony throne. Twilight tentatively walked in.

“You may enter,” Luna said authoritatively. She looked up from the floor. “Twilight!” she said, her tone more friendly. “Come come. What would you like to talk about?”

Twilight came up to the throne. “Well, I wanted to talk about how you’ve coped with… the passing of friends. I mean,” Twilight said quickly, “You and Tia have gone through so many, so you’re used to it by now. Right?”

There was a lengthy pause as Twilight grinned awkwardly.

“We have not.”

Twilight’s grin slipped off her face, and she hung her head. “I’m sorry I assumed.”

“It is alright. I know not what Celestia has told you, but part of the reason that I became Nightmare Moon was because of my friends.

“Along with eternal night, the monster offered me the chance to bring my friends back, knowing that it would help with my lack of attention and appreciation. I know now that it probably would have killed me eventually or brought back only a semblance of my friends, but back then I was foolish and accepted.” She gave a sharp laugh. “Look how well that turned out.

“And Tia… She hurts, more than you know. She never told anypony, but she had a foal. That foal became a parent of the Blueblood lineage. Yes, they were also descendants of Princess Platinum, but it was never said that they were also of Tia. She denied it even to herself, because if she accepted the foals and grandfoals and great-grandfoals as her own, she would never be able to live; she could never become emotionally invested in running the whole of the family and running the country. She could never deal with the loss. She never has.”

“I-I never knew…”

“Of course not. Tia is very selective in what she tells others. You saw how she was, I assume?”

“Yes. She was sad. Her mane didn’t seem like itself, and her eyes held that tone. But of course she would be, after what I did.”

Luna nodded. “Everypony was worried, but Celestia most of all. She did not want to lose another friend, especially one she had gone great lengths to save from time.”

“Huh? I don’t understand.”

“Patience, Twilight. I will explain.

“When Tia accepted you, she knew you would be a wonderful student, and she knew she would enjoy being your teacher. However, it wasn’t until after Cadence’s wedding that she fully realized that you would perish like all living things. You see, Twilight, one of the two main reasons for you becoming an alicorn is a selfish one: Tia wanted you to stay with her. Of all her students, you were the one she bonded with the most; she didn’t want a pony she considered her daughter to die while she continued to live.”

Twilight simply sat there, taking it all in, her thoughts a whirlwind.

Celestia had a child?

Blueblood really was royalty?

I wasn’t made into an alicorn just because of my magical abilities?

Celestia thinks of me as a daughter?

“Twilight, are you alright?” Luna asked.

Twilight shook her head around to derail her thoughts. “Y-yeah.”

“Auntie Luna?”

Turning, Twilight saw a white colt standing at the entrance to the room. The colt rubbed his eye. “I can’t sleep.”

“Come here, child.” The moon alicorn beckoned with a hoof. The colt slowly walked to her. To Twilight, she said, “You should probably be off to bed, Twilight. You need to sleep.”

“Okay. Good night, Luna.”

“Good night.”

◊◊◊◊◊

Twilight’s eyes flew open. She looked to the open door and saw the silhouette of a tall pony.

“Twilight?” it whispered. “Are you awake?”

“Yes, Tia,” she replied.

The sun princess sat beside Twilight’s bed. “I take it Lulu explained to you about…?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know why this must be kept secret.”

“Of course! Are you that worried about me spreading this?”

Celestia sighed. “I’m sorry, Twilight. I just wanted to make sure; I don’t want to nearly lose you and have you tell my secrets.”

“Celestia!”

“I’m sorry I ever had any doubt. But you know how hard it is for me, now.” With that, the burdened pony left the room.

Twilight didn’t sleep after that. As much as she tried, she could not let the Sandpony make her sleep. Instead she tossed and turned, thinking. And when the sun rose in the sky, Twilight finally understood Celestia’s statement, said so many years ago.

You never truly get used to it.

You never truly get used to the loss.