Welcome to the Jungle, We've got tons of cake!
With a hefty 400 pound frame, the new Axl Rose was a wreck compared to his sleek and cool younger self. Here he was, in his multi-millionaire mansion built on the gainings of his old band, Guns n' Roses (the 1988-1993 edition [i.e. the good edition]), (and the utterly terrible album Chinese Democracy) which he sued over from the other members. He was eating from a bag of Doritos as he watched crappy E! Entertainment shows on the lives of celebrities.
"Fuck me, why the hell do these paparazzi even have to waste their lives over this bullcrap?" said the half-naked Axl aloud, his nacho flakes rubbing off onto his belly folds and getting themselves eternally embedded between them, never to return to the surface. As he said this, the show turned to focus on 'Celebrities who ruined their careers and effectively their lives' and the celebrity in focus turned to Axl Rose. The washed up, old, blonde rocker tried to sit up straight on his velvet chair but instead sank deeper. He shrugged.
"Axl Rose! The greatest recluse in rock, as is his latest title," read a balding man from a script. "That's right! Axl Rose had been in hiding for a good 50 goddamn years from the public since he's not proud of showing off his beer gut to the public! Many think that he's doing this due to a "feud" with former lead guitarist of Guns n' Roses, Slash, but he's doing it so that he doesn't need to share his bag of Doritos! That's right, fucker, I'm looking at you!"
Axl Rose looked around the place frantically, stretching his pudgy neck as far as he could around the place, trying to find a hidden camera. Then, as the show host kept talking, Axl Rose tried to turn off the television but the remote just wouldn't work. Fact is, the remote disappeared into the folds of his hand fat.
"Axl, I'm getting concerned for you, mate. It's time to turn this fucked up life of yours around, and I know just the place to start," said the man, and he revealed himself to be Jimmy Savile. He broke the screen and advanced on the fat blondie, his tall, 8-foot frame crashing into Axl's room. Axl screamed like a banshee.
"I have a fat guy fetish, too!" the British rapist yelled, and he whipped out the smallest cock known to man. Axl pitched a perfect high C note.
"Welcome to my jungle!" screamed Jimmy, as he engulfed Axl Rose's entire 400-pound frame of fats into his suddenly bushy pubes, the volume of which rivaled the Amazon Jungle.
"We've got fun and games!" He shouted, as the hairs closed in on Axl Rose's folds, acting on their own will and squeezing them, as if they were nipples.
"We've got everything you want, I think I'm gonna... came?" said Jimmy uncertainly as his dexterous hairs actually squeezed Axl's nipples. Real milk came out.
Just then, the queen of fourth wall breakers, Pinkamena Diane Pie, broke through the television screen with her luscious pony ass and grabbed Jimmy Savile by the back with her hooves, and tossed him to the side of the room, breaking 200 of his bones and dislocating his microscopic boner. She lifted Axl Rose (with not a lot of difficulty since she possessed superpony strength), who had passed out, and teleportaled away to Equestria.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Slash was relaxing on a boat. Though he could have been to around 50 different kinds of the best orgy parties in L.A that afternoon by the request of his closest friends, he chose to remain faithful to his wife and kids, spending the day with them at a modest yacht. You'd think that his yacht would be a multi-millionaire's, but you'd be wrong. Slash donated 90 percent of his earnings from all of the concerts he had done in his life to humanitarian projects and wildlife conservation, giving him the official title of "The King of Mr. Nice Guys." Furthermore, he'd decline 100 percent of big earning concerts because he'd have to attend other concerts that supported the good shit e.g. saving dolphins or saving people from disasters and all that Christ-like action. He didn't need to attend big concerts to earn money anyway; People would just throw money at his feet to see his eyes, which he'd decline to do. But when he did do so, He'd cause all women in a 5 mile radius to wet their panties with feminine cum and make the eyes of men burn in their sockets. Therefore, he'd hide his eyes behind sunglasses or beneath his voluminous hair. Right now, Slash was alone on the yacht because his family wanted him to get some time to philosophize about the world. Oh yeah, did I mention that Slash is the undisputed current incarnation of Jesus Christ? Just then, something stirred in the water.
"Wachow!" cried Jack Black in his lame-o KungFu Panda style as he shot out of the water, his forced ejaculation from merely observing Slash propelling him out of the water. He landing on the far side of the boat, causing it to tip over, sending Slash to land on the ocean. Or not.
"The fuck, dude?" said Slash as he walked on water, the water being fearful of getting any inch of Slash wet. Jack Black grabbed his stomach in pain and exploded. Deadpool crept out.
"Hey, you gotta go to Equestria, Mr. Jesus Christ. That's right, I know your real name, I broke many walls to find that out," said Deadpool as he cleaned his sword of Jack Black blood. He picked up the guts and slung them over his back, effectively creating a Jack Black Back Pack. Slash, using his powers of telekinesis, forced the back pack into his hands.
"Hey! Gimme my Black Jack Black Back Pack back!" yelled Deadpool, but zipped his mouth shut immediately as he realized that he was talking to Jesus Christ. "I mean, you can keep it."
"Good. Let's fucking go to Equestria," said Slash, and both of them ripped open their own portal, teleporting to the Pony City where the grass is green and the mares are pretty.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Duff McKagan (ex-bass guitar player for G n R) and Steve Adler (ex-drummer for G n R) were doing drugs in Duff's basement. After a good helping of bad shrooms, the two were snorting coke and doing marijuana bongs at the same time. See, no matter what these two drug fucks say about reforming their lives and shit they never really quit their addictions, hanging out with whores and bitches and taking drugs and having orgies. Sometimes they did drugs while fucking bitches, snorting coke on whore cunts. As a result, Duff's pancreas burst again and Steve got kicked out of the band he founded. Right now, they were high as balls.
"Hey, Duff, pass that," said a red-eyed Steven as he snorted a way-past-OD dose into his white powder-rimmed nostril.
"How about hell-to-the-fucking-no?" said Duff as he bonged his way onto his own homemade stairway to heaven.
In truth, both of them were severely depressed with the losses in their lives so they had to resort to drug use to ignore that shit, and it was working pretty well, with Steven snorting down on more coke than Scarface's entire store in one sitting and Duff getting peripheral vision from various types of drugs, ranging from heroin to angel's hair and baby's breath. Yes, that's a drug, it induces rages where people are forced to take their own lives by shotgun blast into buccal cavity and writing lame, unexplained and illegible suicide notes.
Just then, Mike Chang barged into the basement, carrying a suspicious red drink.
"Hey guys! I have a confession to make. I'm biceptasticularly AWESOME!" he said, chugging down the red drink. "And if you guys want to be as ripped as I am, put away those drugs and sign yourselves up for my fitness program, where I take your money and you get a six pack costume in return, like the one I'm wearing now!"
Mike Chang removed the fake six pack, revealing a very un-natty beer gut. Somehow, his biceps, calves and thighs were still muscular.
"It's because I masturbate furiously 24/7 with both hands and feet, that I have a smaller than average penis but larger than average muscles on my limbs! How's that for a workout program?"
The two rockers didn't notice him. Just then, Steven's bloodshot eyes shifted to the drink in Chang's hand.
"Fuck.. Is that a drug?" Steven said, his eyes widening in hope.
"Nope, It's my secret energy drink! It does have highly concentrated roids though, so in a way it's kinda like a drug, but you get ripped instead of high," said Mike, and splashed some of the drink onto his muscular thighs, then used his foot to rub himself through his underwear.
"Dude, that guy's got drugs," said Steven, but Duff was too busy dancin' with Mr. Brownstone to care. Steven rose up from the floor of coke and pounced on Mike Chang. Mike Chang repelled him by using his beer gut as a trampoline, forcing Steven to fly across the basement and into Duff McKagan. By now, Duff's face was as hag-like as McJagger's, and he was in a heroin-induced rage as he reached for something beneath the couch.
"Please, guys, I guarantee you, I'll only steal ninety nine percent of your earnings in exchange for you losing about zero percent of your body fat! Doesn't that sound nice?" said Mike Chang as he chugged down on his red drink. His limb muscles grew along with his beer gut, and he used his hands and feet to rub himself vigorously while using his beer gut as a balance. Duff McKagan pulled out a Velvet Revolver and shot Mike Chang in his chest mole 65 times. Mike Chang flexed his biceps and kissed them 71 times after that before dying of roids. And no, blood loss wasn't a factor.
"Dude.. There's a dead guy on the floor," said Steven Adler, "The cops could come anytime soon."
"He's dead LOL. Fuck the cops," said Duff Mckagan, and the both of them guffawed, all high from a recent acid trip.
"Hey look, drugs!" shouted Steven Adler as he picked up the red energy drink and lapped it up. Little did he know, he was ingesting some of Mike Chang's blood along with the steroids. Duff McKagan used his legs to buck Steven Adler to the side, and licked up some of that Blood Brew.
Both of them vomited simultaneously, conjuring a portal that led to Equestria. Both of them fainted and slid into the portal. The portal was the result of the right mix of drugs and Mike Chang's blood in both of the rocker's systems.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Izzy Stradlin was sitting in a chair. Known as the 'George Harrison' or the 'John Paul Jones' of Guns n' Roses, he was a quiet and shy guy. And contrary to popular belief, no, the shy guys do not get all the bitches, and Izzy Stradlin had not been to an orgy since.... well... forever. Izzy was carrying a smoke in his left hand while his right was balancing an acoustic guitar.
Just then, Pinkie Pie broke the fourth wall and found Izzy. Izzy shrunk back.
"Hey friend! Come to Equestria with me, with meee! Once you're there, you'll really see, you'll see! Lots of friendship, lots of fun, playing under the Moon and the Sun! Hooray!"
Izzy looked close to tears as he huddled up in the corner.
"What a pussy," Pinkie Pie said under her breath. Then she thought of an idea.
"Fluttershy! Would you please talk to our new friend?" She called from the portal's source. She figured that an even bigger pussy was needed to talk to another pussy.
"H-- H-- Hey, I'm F-- F-- Fluttershy," said the shy pegasus to Izzy Stradlin, "C-- Come to Equestria, please?"
"F-- f--" said Izzy, inching back even further.
"What a fucking pussy," said Fluttershy, and flicked Izzy off with her hoof and brought him against his will to Equestria. Fluttershy picked up the smoke that was in his hands and put it into her own mouth, expertly puffing smoke rings, and putting on a pair of shades while she did so. Simply because she is the boss.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Bumblefoot, a guitarist in the new Guns n' Roses, meditated in his own basement, on a velvet carpet. His ridiculously long beard snaked around the entire perimeter of the 12 foot by 12 foot carpet and kept going; As a relatively young practitioner of the hair kung fu trade of Tai Chin, Bumblefoot was an ardent advocate of Tai Chin master Alec Baldlose, and trained in the art of Hairy Style, Zayn Beatnik, Kneeall Hairy, Liam Mane and Louis Longlockson. Bumblefoot levitated slowly into the air, which was not what he expected.
"That's weird. Levitation from the realization of the sheer absurdity and waste of life of Tai Chin isn't supposed to come this early," Bumblefoot wondered aloud. Just then, Deadpool burst from the floor, shoving a katana up Bumblefoot's ass. Or so he thought he did.
"Ha! Those Pubic Hair Push ups did come to some use!" said Bumblefoot smugly as his pubes covered his butt hole, and was so dense the katana literally shattered against it. Deadpool was about to make a wisecrack about swords in asses but took a step back and pulled out two of the swords on his back, ready for a fight.
"Hey man, I don't wanna fight. I was just meditating," said Bumblefoot, but Deadpool had other plans. With a flick of his hand, one of his swords acted as a boomerang, zipping across the top of the room and slicing the neck of a chandelier above Bumblefoot off, causing it to crash down. Bumblefoot was like the Gaara of hair, his locks rushing up to his defense at the top of his head, creating a thick layer against which the chandelier crashed. Bumblefoot smirked.
"Look, whatever you need, I'm sure we can negotiate it," said Bumblefoot, but Deadpool wasn't looking for negotiations. Deadpool, with an un-Deadpool cry of belligerence, rushed up to Bumblefoot, aiming for his neck. But it was futile, as Bumblefoot's dexterous beard hair came to his aid at every slice of Deadpool's sword, blocking all of its hits. When Bumblefoot's hair broke Deadpool's swords, the assassin gave up and collapsed onto the floor, utterly exhausted from Bumblefoot's masterful Tai Chin.
"Aw, geez, just tell me what this is all about," sighed Bumblefoot.
"Must.... Destroy.. current.... Guns n' Roses line up.... Must.... bring good rock n' roll music... back," said Deadpool slowly, and threw open a portal to Equestria to escape. Deadpool crept in, but before he could close it, Bumblefoot's tendrils of Black Belt trained hair flew forward, keeping the portal open for Bumblefoot himself to go into.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
In his dressing room, DJ Ashba looked fantastic. Or so he thought.
"Okay, Slash had his cigarette at a 69 degree angle with respect to his mouth at minute 8:03 of this performance," said DJ Ashba, as he fumbled with his cigarette as he looked at an old Guns n' Roses performance. See, the role of DJ Ashba in the new Guns n' Roses wasn't lead guitar, nor was it to replace Slash. No no no, his role was to be Slash. He even grew his hair out and wore a top hat like Slash, and even wore the same attire as Slash did for his recent performances. DJ Ashba went to even more extreme lengths the week before by trying to replace his entire circulatory system's blood with Slash's blood, from the blood bank that Slash went to everyday to donate a gallon of his own blood. He nearly died as their blood groups were incompatible but he was unfazed. Honestly, who could blame him? Slash is Jesus-Christ level cool, though it is quite futile to try to emulate that coolness, especially when you're playing lead guitar beside Fat Axl Rose.
"Perfect!" cried DJ Ashba as he looked like the perfect mirror image of the paused video of Slash. Then he released pause and paused again on the next second, taking the next few minutes to reassume Slash's position one second later. Then, a rip in space time occurred.
"This is NOT Chuck Testa!!" cried Chuck Norris as he went a-knock knock knockin' on Ashba's face. DJ Ashba was teleportaled to Equestria immediately. Just then, legendary poet but bloke-in-that-bar-who-can't-sing-for-shit status Bob Fucking Dylan broke into SNSingleG's room to sue for copyright.
"Fuck you, hippy! Time to get trippy!" said Bob Dylan as he flung some shrooms at my face. Then, like a rolling stone, I went prone on the floor and proceeded to move all along the watchtower while tumbling around. However, times were suddenly a-changin' when Bob Dylan realized how many song titles of his that I was stealing and proceeded to take his own life like Kurt Cobain did. However, the shot didn't kill him but instead took out the part of his brain that caused his God-awful 'musical' cacophony he called singing but also took out the part that gave him control of his hands. Now he couldn't write down his genius poetry or play the guitar.
Thousands of miles away, the brain matter of Bob Dylan that he shot out from his cranium flew onto Kurt Cobain's grave, being given sufficient velocity from that bullet shot alone for sub-ocean flight. The brain matter seeped into Kurt Cobain's head and he was resurrected since Bob Dylan had shot out the parts of his brain that Kurt Cobain lacked. He was, however, doomed with another 40 years on Earth and horrible vocals. He wished that he had a gun. But, no he didn't have a gun, so he found an albino, a mosquito and a mullato to exert his new found libido on.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Axl Rose fell into a bale of hay, and was surprised that he got turned into a pony.
"What the fuck?" said Axl, as he observed his hooves, "I fucking hate horses. The only good horse is a dead horse."
Axl realized that he lost many pounds, even though he was a horse and horses are known to be (in general) heavier than humans.
"Fuck.... Haven't been this thin since Chinese Democracy," said Axl, as he looked around for more Doritos. Unfortunately, there was only hay. Just then, a portal ripped in the heavens and a pony Slash came a-tumbling in. Slash's coolness blinded Axl Rose.
"Hey, Axl!" said Slash the pony, and the vocalist let out a perfect high C.
"We're on a feud, you fucker," said Axl, "We're not allowed to talk to each other."
"Come on, Axl, stop this Civil War bullcrap," said Slash, "Down there, deep in your heart, you know that you're still a part of Guns n' Roses(1988 - 1993 edition [The Cool Version]). And it's not complete without me, man."
"But.... Feud!" cried Axl, but was silenced yet again as a technicolor LSD-inspired portal opened up at the side of the barn they were in and Duff McKagan and Steven Adler emerged, both ponies.
"What's this.... everything has fucking color now!" screamed Steven Adler. He realized that he had peripheral vision. "And I can't see straight, think we're still high?"
"I dunno, my vision seems perfectly normal," said pony Duff McKagan.
"We need to get high, fuck you guys," said Adler and McKagan in unision, pushing Axl and Slash out of the way. Then suddenly, the barn door swung shut and thunder and lightning came from the sky, accompanied with Izzy Stradlin's arrival right in front of the barn door, blocking the exit of the rockers. He was a human.
"Hey, I'm a shy guy," said Izzy confidently, as he squatted and flexed his newfound engorged biceps, which even (deceased) commercial scammer and Youtube bodybuilder Mike Chang would be jealous of. The other four looked at him in confusion.
"Hey pussy, you're not allowed to say shit," said Axl Rose, and the others nodded in agreement. Izzy issued to them the first middle finger he ever gave in his entire life. He ripped off his clothes to reveal the body of a chick-magnet.
"I had sex with this pink pony and I got these guns," said Izzy, and flexed and admired his hard abs and rippling muscles adorning his limbs. He kissed them all with TLC. And that means tender loving care, NOT totally lost cause.
"I got swag after consulting my new swagger coach, Fluttershy. That's fucking right, baby," he said, leaning against the barn door and tossing his long black hair back, then crushed the box of cigarettes that used to be in his pants pocket. Slash, Duff and Steven reeled back in shock as cigarettes were holy in Guns n Roses. Izzy just smirked and put on a pair of shades, all the while admiring his own ripped body.
"The recipe for swag doesn't call for a dash of cigarettes. That's class. Classy people have lung failure, but people with swag get these!" Izzy shouted in a deep voice and jumped and did a split, while pumping his fists skyward. Duff sighed.
"Where's my velvet revolver? I need to shoot myself," said Duff as he observed a drastically IQ-reduced Izzy Stradlin kissing his pecs like a whore on a black man's cock.
Just then, a portal opened and a fatigued Deadpool stumbled out, covered in a chain of hair. Following the hairy Bumblefoot through the same portal was DJ Ashba, who (don't be fooled!) looked like Slash. Both were human.
"Hey Slash, is that your doppeltwin?" said Steven Adler, pointing at the real Slash. DJ Ashba shrugged.
Nobody noticed Deadpool and Bumblefoot, since both were famous after the time of the first Guns n' Roses. Bumblefoot, startled by the number of things happening at once, let out a few hand signs.
"Hairy Style style, Hair prison block no jutsu!" cried Bumblefoot, crushing his fists together, and all of a sudden his hair grew exponentially large and with tentacle-like dexterity wrapped itself around everybody in the room. All of them were encased in cocoons of hair.
"Louis Longlockson style, Hair spike no jutsu!" continued Bumblefoot, slapping his palms together. The hairs suddenly became lethally spiky and threatened to kill all of them then and there. Until Slash used his Jesus like mindpowers to create force fields around everypony and everyperson. Then, with a hoof, Slash turned all of Bumblefoot's head hair into fire, releasing all of Bumblefoot's captives. Bumblefoot cried out in pain and fell to the ground.
"It's so easy, easy," hummed Slash, then realized he wasn't the vocalist. He turned to Axl Rose.
"Hey. You've got to get your shit together, bro," Slash said, placing his hooves on Axl's shoulders, "Only then, can we make good un-Chinese Democracy albums, fuck bitches and reform Guns n' fuckin' Roses."
Axl Rose looked at his hooves. He was deep in thought. However, Bumblefoot became the thought police and destroyed them, replacing Axl's thoughts with hairy thoughts.
Bumblefoot, in the real world, stood up from a burnt crater in the barn floor.
"You can't.... kill me.... Liam Mane style, Pube swallower no jutsu!!" His lower mane, meaning his pubes (which were curiously cut like a beard), emerged from their hidey hole in his underwear and proceeded to tie themselves around the old line-up of Guns n' Roses. Even the buff Izzy Stradlin couldn't get out of this shithole, as all of them were pulled into Bumblefoot's crotch.
"Well, it's been fun, dudes," said a finally sober Duff McKagan, "never would have thought I'd die without putting up a fight, side by side with an Axl Rose."
"What about side by side with a Steven Adler?" said Steven Adler.
"Aye. I could do that."
"Quick, Axl. Make a decision fast," said Slash, his Jesus-powers on a 20 second cooldown.
Axl bit his lip, utterly shaken as he looked into Bumblefoot's pubic depths. They were going for a one-way trip to genitalial hell as all of them were headed for Bumblefoot's pee-pee hole.
"I'll miss you guys," said Izzy as he kissed his muscle mountains. Everything rolled their eyes. Just then, Jimmy Savile came through the barn door and clogged up Bumblefoot's pee-pee hole. That's right, you read it correctly. CAME.
"How is that guy alive?" asked Axl, but Slash shook his head, bringing him back to the task at hand.
"Oh. So why should I even help?" harrumphed Axl as death by Bumblefoot's not so bumbly or even footy genitalia was stalled. Jimmy Savile leapt onto Bumblefoot's dick and wrestled with it, since he had a huge hair fetish. Damn, Jimmy Savile had a fetish for everything.
Which is precisely why Axl Rose is Jimmy Savile's direct opposite. He hated everything accept for food and pissing people off.
"Because... because.. Fuck, why the hell do you even hate me?" said Slash, while Axl was struggling against his hairy bonds.
"Remember? You revealed that you were 1.25% nigger," said Axl Rose.
"And?"
"Well, there. I can't stand niggers."
"That's it? I mean, don't you think there's something even deeper in our relationship than me being an eightieth black? I mean, don't you remember when we were bros, playing cards, smoking cigars, chugging booze, stealing cars, fucking bitches, sometimes doing all that shit all at once?"
"I.... suppose not," said Axl, his head drooping in lethargy. "Well, that's what you are and my opinion of you ain't gonna change."
"Really? Remember that bro-pact that we made after that St. Louis shit went down?" said Slash. Axl Rose looked away. In truth, Axl was in love with Slash by 1993 but didn't want to admit it, since homo- was a suffix he added to his long list of -phobes. Then again, who could blame Axl? Slash is cool incarnate and multitudes of straight guys went gay for him during his November Rain solo.
"Come on. Just once. I can't use my powers to get out of this, we need something deeper to defeat this supporter of crappy new age rock, to send a fucking message," said Slash. He held out a hoof, motioning for Axl for a bro-hoof, a bro-hoof of epic proportions. Just then, DJ Ashba came into the barn, with him 6 ponies.
"Sorry guys, I tried to stop them, but they were strong!" said a beaten up DJ Ashba, his Slash hat toppling off his face.
"You lost to ponies? You wimp. SWAG!" yelled Izzy as he licked his muscles. "I think I just got a boner from licking my swagpacks!"
"No. It's perfect!" called out Slash as he observed the wielders of the Elements of Harmony barge their way into the barn, then looked on at Bumblefoot fighting Jimmy Savile. Bumblefoot won the skirmish, and Jimmy Savile was thrown to the side of the barn, positively dead with tendrils of hair coming out of every hole on his child-genitalia ridden body. Axl bit his lip as the bald Bumblefoot was revived, new and improved.
"Remember your friendship!" cried Twilight Sparkle.
Something in Axl's mind snapped. He looked at Slash's still outstreched hoof. At Bumblefoot's growing mass of mop. At Steven Adler and Duff McKagan exchanging snot. Wait what?
"Hey, don't look at us funny. We're trying to extract this white substance from our noses, dude, we think it might be coke," said Duff.
"I dunno, it looks and tastes like booger," said Steven Adler.
"LOL," said the both of them, and they continued to do what they were doing while trapped.
Anyway, back to Axl's mind. He looked at the struggling body buff Izzy. He looked at a half dead Slash on the ground. No wait, that's DJ Ashba. He looked at the 6 ponies who just entered. They were colored. He had a phobia for different races other than beige. They were female. He hated bearers of the XX chromosome. And worst of all, they were horses.
"It's not friendship.... IT'S BRO-SHIP!!!" screamed Axl, and clapped his hoof with Slash's. Instantly, a bright light filled the barn and all of Bumblefoot's pubes were burned off. A naked Bumblefoot lied down in a foot deep crater, while another crater formed in the centre of the barn, which was 10 times deeper and contained something much more awesome.
A human Axl Rose, 25 years younger and 300 pounds slimmer, was wearing a Charles Manson T-Shirt with tight black pants, with long flowing blond hair that rivaled Avril Lavigne's hair length while Slash was human too, but topless with black shorts and an electric guitar which needed no amp, 'cause amps are for non-Jesus guitar players. Slash didn't have sunglasses but his voluminous hair, which hid awesome power, hid his eyes.
Bumblefoot stood up and roared.
"NO! GOOD MUSIC WILL NOT PREVAIL!!" Bumblefoot sorely shouted. His hands were a flurry of movement as he did hand signs.
"Nicki Minaj style, Stupid Hoe no Jutsu!" He cried, and many razor sharp gardening hoes popped up from the ground, acting on their own will as they advanced onto the Guns n' Roses members and the Elements of Harmony. Slash and Axl dodged them impeccably, their movements worthy of a Zack Snyder slow motion sequence. The ponies were nimble too, instinctively getting on their hooves and avoiding the swing of the gold digging hoes. Meanwhile, gold digging rockers by the name of Steven Adler and Duff McKagan were still swapping snot, neither of the two realizing that cocaine wasn't in there. Slash put up a force field around the two, and hoes bounced off its exterior.
"Hey Duff, I think this snot's got the good shit. I'm seeing hoes walking in the barn," said Steven.
"Hoes belong in my bed, so I guess you're right, we are high," said Duff, and both of them laughed maniacally.
Izzy smirked at the faces of everyone, who seemed to be frantically dodging the hoes as if their lawns depended on it.
"Heh, No hoe can resist my diamond hard packs," said Izzy, and grunted and huffed, posing in 10 poses that his swagger coach Fluttershy taught him. However, his smile faded when two hoes sliced his steroid packed arms cleanly off of his shoulders.
"Fucking hoes," Izzy said.
"Not now, Izzy!" shouted DJ Ashba as he fled the barn, which is what any sensible person would have done.
"There's only one thing to do," said Slash, and him and Axl nodded to each other. They grabbed two random Elements of Harmony and bumped their fists together in the most epic bro-fist known to Equestria. Well, technically the only bro-fist known to Equestria.
Another explosion occurred. Smoke surrounded a crater as deep as Izzy Stradlin's newfound ego, and within it were two silhouettes. Bumblefoot grunted and shifted his index finger towards the crater.
"GET THEM!!" He yelled, and the hoes leapt towards the silhouette. But they bounced off uselessly from the figures. Bumblefoot widened his eyes as he gazed upon the two sub-mortals that faced him, a heavenly light shining down upon them.
There was an anthro Axl Rose, with a Stetson on his head of golden hair, and three apples and a single rose on his flank, while an anthro Slash was beside him, now with a rainbow colored mane covering his eyes and on his flank was a cloud with a musical note on it, and rainbow colored lightning bolts jutting radially from it. Bumblefoot let out a gasp, and thought of the first two names on his mind.
"AxlJack... and Rainbow Slash!" Bumblefoot fell to his sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees as he observed AxlJack take out a rattlesnake suitcase from under his arm, while Slash smoked his cigarette in style as he pulled out a Stratocaster that Jimi Hendrix used himself. From the rattlesnake suitcase, AxlJack pulled out a wireless microphone.
"No! It can't be! It cannot be!" said Bumblefoot in horror. The other things in the room (Armless Izzy Stradlin, the four remaining Elements of Harmony, and Duff and Steven, who were trying now to swap their blood for heroin trips) looked on in awe as AxlJack and Rainbow Slash advanced onto Bumblefoot.
"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" yelled Bumblefoot, his Tai Chin coming into play. From the ground popped Drake, Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne. Rainbow Slash issued a Sonic Painboom with a swing of his stratocaster, crushing Young Money. Bumblefoot continued to summon bad artists from the ground.
"Taco taco taco taco enchilada New York City Pitbull in da barn!" cried a bald rapper with sunglasses and money and hoes. He was exterminated by a thousand decibel high note by AxlJack, amplified by the mic.
"The fuck am I doing back here?" said DJ Ashba as he was summoned yet again to the barn.
"You're fired," said Axljack, earning an approving nod from Rainbow Slash. DJ Ashba hung his head low and went to PonyVille to find a job.
"I love Chinese cock, you know tha-- Wait what?" Alison Gold said, as she was teleported here, while she was blowing a panda. As much as Slash loved children (in a platonic, non-MJ way of course) he couldn't stand for advocates of utterly horrible music. Alison Gold had to go.
"Rainbow Slash!" cried the lead guitarist as he brought the Strat down on Alison's golden head. This not so sweet child o' not mine wasn't what you'd call a Rocket Queen. He let the panda go free, since nobody could have the guts to kill a panda, not even the almighty Jesus-level Slash.
"Baby, baby ba--"
*SLASH*
"Black and yellow bla--"
*WAHHHHH!!!!* (That's the sound effect for Axl's high G above C, which he acquires in 'Slash' mode)
"It's fri--"
*SLASH*
"And she's buying a stairway... to heaven..."
"Oh you're... NOT ROBERT PLANT. You're fucking Nicole Westbrook!"
*WAHHHH!!!!!!*
And therefore, Bumblefoot, Slash and Axl Rose caused the mass genocide of horrible singers which everybody on the internet so desperately wants. Bumblefoot slumped into the corner of the barn, alone on his island of horrible music, and he had no more energy to fight back against the killer combo of Slaxl AppleDash. Axljack popped up the head of his microphone and extracted a rose. Rainbow Slash smashed his guitar against the wall of the barn, revealing a shining gold L96a1 sniper rifle. Both of them did a bro nod.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!" cried Bumblefoot as Axljack laid his rose on Bumblefoot's chest a la Assassin's Creed. Or was it Daredevil?
Rainbow Slash climbed a tall hay bale and did a 360 no scope. Well, more than that, actually: A 2520 degree noscope, wallbang headshot claymore cancel across the barn tactical grenade cancel Faze and Temperrr trick shot, all this during mid-jump. The overwhelming amount of skill, coupled with the fact that the sniper bullet hit both the rose on Bumblefoot's chest and his head, caused time to slow. The hairy Tai Chin apprentice was sucked into another dimension, unable to wreck havoc on any plane of existence.
Half of the barn blew up, causing debris and rubble to fly all over the place. Applejack and Rainbow Dash got up and shook their heads, having experienced the worst out of body experience ever. As everything in the barn wore off from the trauma from the explosion, they observed Slash and Axl Rose, both human, hands in their pockets and walking off the scene like bosses, since cool guys don't even have time to look at explosions.
"So is Guns n' Roses back together again?" shouted Pinkie Pie to the two legendary rockers. To answer that, both of them smirked and performed a dimension shaking bro-fist, and opened up a portal as their fists retracted, causing them to return to Earth.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Bumblefoot landed in a chair. As he came to, he noticed Masashi Kishimoto, the genius behind Naruto, sending his knuckles a-crack as he gave his Naruto comic a-flip.
"The phrase 'no jutsu' is copyrighted to me," said Masashi Kishimoto in Japanese, though Bumblefoot didn't understand it.
"Sorry, I don't speak Japanese. I do speak Applenese though," said Bumblefoot.
Masashi sighed and unzipped, revealing Chuck Norris.
"NOPE! It's just Chuck Norris!" the bearded wonder screamed as he roundhouse kicked Bumblefoot into a journey that spanned 27 dimensions. Bumblefoot groaned.
Author's Note
Created in response to the severe lack of GNR on this site.
