The Mane Six Watch A Scanner Darkly
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The Mane Six Watch A Scanner Darkly

Long before the realm inhabited by humans was branded safe for passage, Princess Celestia deemed it necessary to undergo extensive investigation into the delicate culture of the peculiar beings. Their socio-cultural mannerisms and far-reaching knowledge was fascinating. However, humans remained rather unruly. They bickered endlessly and some of their artwork made Celestia feel oddly uncomfortable. Luckily the creatures did possess a medium through which their ideologies were safely reflected - movies.

Celestia watched the final credits roll on the most recent film. By this point, she was almost used to the massive black box known as “television.” Her scouts had been fortunate enough to procure the device from a human junk yard without raising alert. As soon as the brave explorers returned, a team of brilliant engineers was called in to observe and activate the device. It took them three days, but the great minds of Equestria successfully utilized TV. Well, films anyway. The same scouts who found the box had then been assigned to pilfer an adequate supply of media for careful observation.

For the past few weeks, the two Royal Sisters viewed countless films. Some of them proved emotionally charged and utterly moving. Some of them depicted massive explosions and action-packed chase scenes. Some of them – which Celestia turned off immediately – showed step by step processes of human procreational habits. It quickly became apparent that violence and all manner of other mature content was rampant not just in art and music, but cinema as well. It was also about this time that Luna stumbled upon the rating system on the back of the DVD cases. Afterward, the sisters found it significantly easier to pick appropriate films to watch.

With this new insight into the mysterious humans being explored, Celestia made the executive decision that Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends had the right to witness films as well.

Six mares conversed excitedly in Canterlot Castle's newly constructed “media room” - a nondescript classroom fitted with several couches, a coffee table, and the mythical television. The ponies remained excited despite the lackluster venue. Sure they'd attended plays before, but from what Celestia had said, this would open a whole new can of worms. Before too long, Celestia herself trotted in to address her subjects.

“Hello everypony!” she said with a smile. “Thank you all for coming. I'm sure you'll find the human's movies quite entertaining.”

“Ooh! Ooh!” exclaimed a hyperactive Pinkie Pie. “Princess, I have a question!”

“Yes Pinkie?”

“What are humans? Are they like ponies? Can we meet them? Where do they come from?”

Celestia chuckled. “Well, we don't quite have all the answers yet. My sister and I are still carefully observing them from afar.”

A light flickered on in Twilight's head - one that made her moan. “Princess?” she asked. “This isn't going to be like that time you made me listen to Tool is it?”

Celestia blushed lightly. “Oh! Yes, well, I may have left a tab or two of an 'extra variable' in the CD case when I gave it to you. I – I apologize for that...”

“So, this won't be the same then?”

“Oh my, no. Movies are fun! Even I find myself getting lost in them!”

“Alright Princess. I believe you,” said Twilight reluctantly.

“Great! Now, let me show you how to put in a DVD. It's easy,” said Celestia. She made her way to the TV and made sure the six were paying attention. “This button here turns on the television. This one here turns on the DVD player. See the little slit in the box here? Simply insert the disc into it face-up and hit the triangle button here. Twilight, you can do it. It's similar to working a stereo.”

Twilight sighed. “Alright. I think we'll be fine then.”

“Yeah!” hollered Applejack. She jumped onto a couch and kicked her hooves up on the table. “I wanna see a movie! Let's do this!”

“I'm with AJ. Somepony pick a movie!” demanded Rainbow Dash.

Celestia smiled again and began to leave. “I can see you're all very eager. I'll leave you alone so you can get started. The most recent movies we've received are on the table there. Hopefully you will all enjoy yourselves. Who knew it was so fun to learn about another species?”

“Thank you, Princess. Bye!” said Rarity with a wave.

Celestia nodded to her subjects then exited the room.

“Alright, let's see what we got!” said AJ, rubbing her hooves together. She leaned forward and began sifting through the small pile of DVDs. A frown appeared on her face in a matter of seconds. “Hold on now, y'all... These movies seem weird.”

“Whatever do you mean?” questioned Rarity.

“I dunno, just, they don't seem like anything we'd like.”

“What are the titles?” queried Fluttershy.

“Let's see...” muttered AJ. She scanned each of the plastic cases. “Alright. Looks like we've got V for Vendetta, Gangs of New York, Being John Malkovich, No Country for Old Men, The Big Lebowski, Eraserhead, Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, There Will Be Blood, and A Scanner Darkly.”

“Those all sound dumb!” whined Rainbow. "Maybe Celestia didn't realize how lame these really are.”

“Don't be so cynical, darling," said Rarity. "Surely one of them must be good for something.”

Twilight couldn't help but groan again. She shook her head. “I had a feeling something like this would happen.”

“Applejack, may I see that last one?” requested Fluttershy. AJ handed A Scanner Darkly to her. “At least this one is colorful looking,” she admitted. “Why don't we watch this one?”

“Is that title even grammatically correct?” Twilight pondered aloud. “Darkly is an adverb. Shouldn't it be 'A Dark Scanner?' Maybe these humans aren't actually that intelligent.”

“What's a 'scanner' anyway?” piped Pinkie Pie.

The ponies shrugged. They continued to sift through the movies in hopes of coming to a consensus about the most entertaining one.

“They're all dramas except for The Big Lebowski, and that looks positively ludicrous,” protested Rarity in dismay.

“Hey,” snapped Rainbow. “Weren't you the one telling me not to be so cynical?”

“Yes, yes, you're right,” she sighed. “So what's the verdict? Shall we take a vote?”

“I suppose,” said Twilight flatly. The mood in the room had shifted to one of disappointment. The ponies wondered what the humans found so infallibly interesting about violence and abstract nonsense.

“I vote No Country for Old Men,” voiced Applejack. “It looks suspenseful enough.”

“No no no. I want some action. Let's watch Gangs of New York,” Dash added.

“I am not going to sit through three hours about filthy vagabonds warring in the streets,” Rarity quipped. “I'm with Fluttershy. We may as well watch the colorful one. Dark Scanner, or whatever it is.”

“Well I think we should watch the funny one!” shouted Pinkie Pie. “Big Lebowski! Big Lebowski!”

“Please, calm down Pinkie Pie.” instructed Twilight in a motherly manner. “Your vote counts as much as everypony else's. Now, I cast my vote in favor of A Scanner Darkly. Honestly that's the only one that looks good to me. That makes one vote for No Country for Old Men, one for Gangs of New York, one for The Big Lebowski, and three for A Scanner Darkly. I guess we have our movie then!”

“Shoot, alright then,” Applejack conceded. “I'll pop it in.” She got up and inserted the silver disc into the tray. “Which button is play?”

Twilight shifted her head in attempt to see the DVD player. “Erm, the triangular one, if I remember correctly.”

“Alright! Got it!” The earth pony quickly returned to her seat. “Here goes nothin',” she muttered.

The device whirred briefly. The ponies gazed into the Warner Brothers logo with a million questions buzzing about their heads.

“What do these titles mean?” asked Pinkie.

“I don't know, just keep watching,” replied Twilight with a shush.

“Okay okay. Sorry.”

“Do we have any snacks?” blurted Rainbow.

“Don't see any,” said AJ.

The film had begun. Twilight said, “Girls, please be quiet. It's not very respectful to talk during a movie.”

“How would you know, egghead? You've never seen one!” Dash pointed out.

“Yes, but, I assume one must observe the same conduct while watching a film as a live performance.”

“Fine. I'll be quiet. Can somepony go find some snacks though? I missed breakfast this morning.”

“What kind of foods go with movies?” asked Rarity. Nopony seemed to know. It was becoming painfully clear how spur-of-the-moment the whole movie night plan was.

“I'll find some food in just a minute,” snapped Twilight. “Now please, I want to see the humans.”

Before the hellish creatures appeared onscreen, a caption appeared displaying the words “SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW, ANNAHEIM CALIFORNIA.”

“Wait,” murmured Fluttershy. “How can this take place seven years from now? Can humans travel through time?”

“No darling, it's a fictional story,” corrected the Rarity.

“Yeah. It ain't real!” added AJ.

The yellow pegasus questioned the logic of her friends' responses. “How can it not be real? We're watching it right now!”

“She's right! That doesn't make sense!” Pinkie chipped in.

Dash racked her brains for an explanation. “It's like... Oh! It's like the Daring Do books. Even though the story is super awesome, it didn't really happen in real life. The story is just made up. Get it?”

“That makes sense. Thanks Rainbow Dash,” said Fluttershy with a smile.

Pinkie remained silent. The concept of seeing something fictitious was far beyond the lines of reason, at least to her. Twilight shushed them all one more time as the first scene began at long last.

A dirty male frantically scratched his head. Twitching green insects scampered all over his body. He jolted up and began twitching violently in an attempt to rid himself of the bugs.

“Ew!” shrieked Pinkie. “That's nasty! Why are there bugs all over it!?”

Fluttershy made a face of disgust and hid behind a pillow.

“We don't know what's going on yet. Just keep watching,” said Twilight.

The human traipsed into the bathroom and began showering, scrubbing himself vigorously. The filthy insects fell into the basin and tumbled down the drain. The derelict biped dried off and walked back into the living room. Unfortunately, the neon bugs sprang up out of nowhere and overtook his body once more. He looked under his kitchen sink and extracted a can of some sort.

“Insect-O-Cide,” read Applejack aloud. “Anypony know what the hay that is?”

“Nope.”

“No.”

“Ssh.”

On the verge of another panic attack, the human peered at his dog. He approached it and scrutinized its fur for the beastly insects. Sure enough, the clicking bugs skittered across the poor animal's head. So, the human took his dog into the bathroom and showered again.

“Well, I am thoroughly creeped out,” Rarity stated.

“I'm still really hungry, but this is kinda cool,” Dash said.

“Fine, Rainbow! I'll get you some food!” snapped Twilight. She promptly stomped out of the room in search of sustenance. The five remaining mares tried to focus on the movie. As the story progressed, they gradually became more interested. The film kept referring to something called Substance D, derived from a little blue flower.

“Say,” commented Pinkie. “Those flowers look awfully similar to Poison Joke. Does that mean we have these things called 'drugs' too?”

“I guess so,” said AJ.

On the movie went. The humans' dialogue seemed loose and often non-sequitur. By the time Twilight finally entered, the group was engrossed in the story's misadventure.

“Hi girls! I brought some popcorn!” Twilight said.

“Ssh! This part is important!” Pinkie snapped.

“Yeesh, fine,” she responded. She dropped the popcorn on the table and sat back on the couch with a huff. “What's happening now?”

“He's on drugs and they're doing tests on him. His brain is splitting apart!” Dash revealed.

A different human sat in a tiny, sterile doctor's office. He looked at some cards with lines on them and attempted to identify their hidden shapes. When he couldn't do it, he opted to leave.

“Boy, he sure does say 'fuck' and 'shit' a lot,” AJ observed. “What do y'all suppose those mean?”

“They're probably used as swear words,” guessed Rarity. “After all, most of these characters don't seem very refined.”

“We'll have to ask Princess Celestia once the movie is over,” said Twilight.

They settled back into the groove of the film with little interruptions. The humans were so funny! They argued excessively about trivial matters. At one point, they struggled to get a giant machine called a “car” working again. Upon failure, they took more drugs. The scenes were almost comical. They constantly harassed each other and went off on meaningless tangents.

“You, are a bug bite squared,” one of them spat.

The other one set his drink down and acted like he was ready for a fight. “What kinda bug?”

“'Bout to get fucked up bitch beetle!”

This sent Pinkie into a fit of giggles. She didn't know what it meant, but it was utterly hilarious. On and on it went. As the film progressed, it took on a slightly darker tone. Eventually the most drug-addled member of the posse decided to kill himself. He downed some pills and lay in bed. However as the narrator explained, he had been 'burned' instead of dying. He began to hallucinate. A creature with dozens of eyes all over its head stared back at the human disapprovingly. This creature was dressed in a well tailored suit and held a bulky scroll under his arm.

"You're here to read me my sins?" asked the human.

The thing bowed humbly.

The human rolled his eyes. "It's gonna take a hundred thousand years."

“Your sins will be read to you ceaselessly in shifts, throughout eternity. The list will never end,” said the multi-eyed alien. It proceeded to read the scroll.

After a while the narrator spoke up again. “One thousand years later, they reached the sixth grade. The year he had discovered masturbation.”

“What in Equestria is masturbation?” asked Fluttershy.

None of them knew.

“Another thing to ask Princess Celestia, I suppose,” concluded Twilight.

The film was roughly three fourths finished. Unfortunately, there was quite an awkward scene in which the six ponies were exposed to the details of human anatomy. Once the confused viewers figured out what was going on, they hastily hit the fast forward button for a few seconds. The story arc seemed to be winding down. The main character underwent more drug tests, which he inexplicably failed. It showed him walking along the street, thinking to himself about what could have been and how terrible his life was. He sat alone in his dingy house and moped. What does a scanner see? he thought. Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me, into us? Clearly or darkly?

Applejack clapped her hooves together. “Ahah! There it is!”

Fluttershy jumped at the sporadic outburst. “What? What is it?”

“That's what the title is about. The scanners. Right?”

“You're right!” confirmed Rarity. “Nice observation!”

Pinkie Pie waved her hoof around. “Wait wait wait. Did it ever explain what the scanners are?”

“Yeah,” said Dash. “They're the little cameras watching them. They're everywhere.”

“So, what do they see?”

“That's what he's asking, Pinkie.” stated Rarity in exasperation. “That's the point of his speech. It's a very complicated movie.”

“I'll say! None of the characters are having fun. What's the point of taking this Substance D stuff if you can't have fun with your friends?”

Twilight contemplated her words. “You know Pinkie, that's a really good point. Maybe the moral of the story is that drugs aren't worth it?”

“Let's see how it ends before we talk about the meaning,” said AJ. “It's almost over anyways.”

As the mares watched the final few scenes play out, it became depressingly obvious that the ending wasn't the conventional definition of “happy.” The main character skulked around a rehabilitation camp. The film spat out one last plot twist, before leaving the poor character alone with his thoughts. He knelt down and picked up a small blue flower. “A present for my friends... at Thanksgiving...”

Music started and the credits began to roll. Before the ponies had a chance to discuss the profoundly cerebral movie as a whole, they heard a faint sniffling from one of them on the couch. Pinkie Pie sat crying softly to herself.

“Goodness, are you alright, Pinkie?” asked a concerned Fluttershy.

The earth pony wiped her nose. “That was so sad... The whole movie was a tragedy... I kept thinking it was gonna get better but it never did... Why would the humans make something so sad? Why?” She buried her head in her hooves and continued to wallow in her depression. Fluttershy patted her shoulder. “There there. Maybe it got better after the movie ended. Who knows what could have happened after that?”

“Maybe,” Pinkie choked out. “Maybe...”

“How do we know who the humans in the movie were?” asked AJ.

“Wait, look there!” said Twilight. She pointed at the screen where the credits fell.

“Keanu Reeves, eh?” AJ went on. “Ya know, he seems like the kinda actor that ain't too good at very many roles, except this one maybe.”

“Interesting,” said Rarity. “I appreciate the movie for what it's worth, but I just couldn't bring myself to actually enjoy it. It was too... Oh, I don't know, grimy. I sure hope this isn't indicative of the entire human race.”

Twilight shook her head. “I doubt it. Say what you want about humans, but they seem to display at least some degree of sentience. That means they must be at least slightly multicultural. I'll bet that they have some movies that are elegant and beautiful.”

“I thought this movie was elegant and beautiful!” exclaimed Dash. “It was so gritty and real! It didn't pull any punches, and really told it like it is.”

“How would you know 'how it is,' Rainbow?” AJ quipped. “Have you ever tried Substance D? That story might not be realistic at all.”

“Well I think it is! So there. That's my opinion and I don't care what you think.”

AJ spat her tongue out at Rainbow.

“Fluttershy, what did you think of the movie?” asked Twilight.

Fluttershy thought for a moment. “I didn't really like it either. It was scary and sad. Not to mention, some of the scenes made me feel weird.”

“It was... different,” was Twilight's official prognosis. “I liked it more than listening to Tool, though.”

“So, are the scanners watching us too?” Pinkie asked quietly.

“No Pinkie, it's just a movie,” said Twilight.

“What do we do now?” asked Rainbow.

“I suppose we should tell Princess Celestia we're finished,” suggested Rarity.

Everypony agreed on the idea. Applejack ejected the DVD and put it back in its case. She and the others stretched and began to leave the media room. The murky tendrils of the movie stayed fresh on their minds. As they trotted out into the hall, they spotted the Celestia steadily approaching.

“Hello my little ponies!” she said warmly. “Are you finished? How was it?”

“Well,” Twilight began, “it was an experience alright. Not many of us liked it too much. It was a little on the disturbing side.”

Celestia's smile disappeared. “Oh. That's a shame. I was hoping you all would have a great first impression of human media. What did you decide on watching? By the way, are you okay Pinkie Pie? You look like you've been crying.”

“I'm fine...” Pinkie claimed in a hushed tone.

“Eventually we settled on A Scanner Darkly,” Dash informed her.

“Hm? I don't seem to recall that one. May I ask you to show me?” Celestia said curiously.

“Sure,” said Twilight. She and the others led Celestia back into the media room. The ruler trotted over and examined all the cases on the table. “Uh oh,” she breathed. “Oh no.”

“What ever is the matter, Princess?” asked Rarity.

Celestia picked up the DVDs with magic. “My my! I've made a huge mistake! I'm deeply sorry, you all!”

“What? What are you talking about?” questioned a worried Twilight.

“All of these films here are... They're rated R! These aren't appropriate films to start with at all! I must have forgotten to bring you the batch of PG movies...”

Twilight groaned and smacked herself on the forehead. “Of course. I should have known.”

“Yes, several of these are outright vulgar. I apologize to you all. I hope you weren't emotionally traumatized or anything of the sort.”

“I think we're alright,” said Fluttershy. “It's just, I think I'll hold off on watching movies for a while.”

“Me too,” said Rarity.

“Same here,” said AJ.

“I'm done with humans,” said Twilight.

Celestia apologized once more then collected the DVDs. The six followed her out of the room, happy to be finished with such a bizarre advent. They trotted along, each lost in her own thoughts about the movie.

“So, what was it about?” asked Celestia.

“Lies...” snapped Pinkie.

“Don't listen to her. It was about an overbearing government that intrusively spied on its people and a drug epidemic that overtook the entire nation,” corrected Fluttershy.

AJ looked at her quizzically. “Somepony was payin' a lotta attention!”

“Yeah, well, I still didn't like it...”

Celestia nodded. “Intriguing. Very intriguing. I'll have to watch it with my sister sometime soon. Our research into humans is growing larger by the day.”

“Just don't drag me into it,” pleaded Twilight.

The ruler chuckled. “If you insist, we'll leave you alone. I am sorry that you've already become jaded towards them. Especially since it's my fault.”

They all walked along in silence. The sun was just beginning to set, and each mare wanted nothing more than to get home and rest her mind. Celestia waved them goodbye from atop the grand staircase, and they exited through the foyer. As they emerged outside to the pleasant sounds of birds and crickets chirping away, a simple idea popped into Dash's mind.

“Hey, anypony wanna go snort some Poison Joke?”