Bits and Pieces

by Author-Man

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 4616

Scootaloo is horrified by my attempts at writing short fiction.

A repository of short fiction from here.

Detailed tags available in the author's notes of each chapter. There's gonna be a variety of tones, so be warned.

Published 2013-12-09 01:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-20 01:05:58 UTC

Applebloom's bow was a changeling the whole time.

Applebloom's bow was a changeling the whole time.

Things could have still been salvaged, really. Yes, the Changeling Invasion had put a damper on the affair, but Cadence and Shining Armour had dealt with that. It would have taken time to get the bride presentable (spending several weeks underneath Canterlot without access to any kind of bath or food had done her no favours) and to repair the superficial damage done to the chapel, but surely the wedding guests would have been more than willing to lend a hoof on the latter front, at least. Going through with the wedding immediately after a failed invasion probably wouldn't have gone over well with the media, but that was a problem that could have been dealt with later. No, the wedding was almost still on. Really, the only problem was that one of the flower girls had somehow been flung out of Canterlot along with the Changeling army. Naturally, all plans were put on hold - finding Applebloom was a higher priority.

Of course, finding her was the easy part. Dealing with the fact that she was apparently a Changeling, however, took a bit more time.

"I'm telling you, I'm not a Changeling! I've got no idea what you're talking about!"

Applejack sighed deeply. "Sugarcube, y'all got thrown all the way to the Everfree Forest." She kneeled down and gave her younger sister a hug. "That ain't to say I don't believe you - I do - but there's gotta be some reason that happened. Twilight did some fancy magic things and she says that if you are a Changeling, you've been one for at least as long as she's known you."

"But I'm not!"

"I know that, hon. But..." Another sigh. "Look, Princess Celestia says that sometimes, a long time ago, Changelings would kidnap baby ponies and replace 'em with Changeling babies. Maybe that's what happened ?"

"No it isn't!"

"Okay, it isn't. But there's gotta be some reason why-"

"I don't know! But I'm not a Changeling!"

There were a few minutes of silence before Applejack, at a loss for words, leaned in and gave Applebloom a second hug. "I'll go talk to Princess Celestia and see if I can't get you out of here. Sit tight, sugarcube." She got up, walked to the exit of the small room, and left, closing the door behind her while Applebloom sat in sullen silence.

She glared upwards. "I blame you for this, by the way."

"What?! What did I do? It's not like I knew some dumb hive would decide to pick the wedding of all days to try some dumb world domination scheme!"

"Bringing you along was your idea, not mine. I wanted to leave you at home."

"Yeah, and then someone asks 'hey, Applebloom, why aren't you wearing that bow that you literally have never taken off before now?' Sounds like a brilliant plan."

"Because bringing you along turned out so much better."

"Not my fault!"

"It's totally your fault. Now hush, before someone notices me talkin' to myself."

Applebloom's bow grumbled slightly, but then was silent. Applebloom rolled her eyes. She had no idea why she kept on trying to reason with that thing. Maybe it was time to foist it off on somepony else. Maybe on Punpkin Cake.

Meanwhile, Applejack stood outside, shaking her head in exasperation. "Dang kids."

"See, the smart thing to do would be to do what we do and have an actual bow set aside for situations like this."

"Quiet, you."

Author's Note

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Tags: Comedy, Random.

The first of these! I specifically picked a comedy idea because up until now, most of my writing here has been fairly dark and character driven and the whole point of this thing (or part of the point) is to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zones (so long as it's not clop, I don't do that porn shit.) Next few stories are gonna be a bit less goofy, to make sure that people realize that there's not just going to be wacky comedy.

Daring Do and Rainbow Dash are, and have always been, swapped, with Dash being the fictional book character.

Daring Do had never really meant to end up being stuck doing weather duty in a backwater town like Ponyville. No one ever did, really, but Daring Do felt that her case was special because she wasn't even from Ponyville in the first place. Not that she regretted it, per se - if she had never ended up in Ponyville, she wouldn’t have met Twilight or her other friends. But dammit, she should have been out exploring the world, or at least working on getting an Archaeology degree, not sitting on her butt in some no-name town.

Though, in retrospect, sneaking into the old castle in the Everfree Forest was probably not a good compromise. Which, long story short, was how she ended up in the hospital for a week.

“So... how've y'all been doing? Besides the sprained wing, I mean.”

Daring Do threw a small rubber ball at the door across from her. “Bored out of my skull.” She caught the ball and repeated the process. “You're sure you don't know any magic healing spells, Twilight? Rarity?”

“It can't be that bad, darling! I mean, there's... well, you've got that ball, for one?”

Pinkie Pie yanked the curtain that hung to Daring's left aside. “And you've got a roommate!” Daring supposed that this was true, in a sense. Even if her roommate was in full-body bandages and thus incapable of speaking.

“Yeah, he'll make a riveting conversational partner.” She rolled her eyes, rolled over, and pulled the covers up.

“Come on, Daring, I'm sure there's something you can do to pass the time... Ah, a book cart! One moment.” Twilight trotted out of the room and returned shortly with an old paperback book. The pages were yellowed and worn. The cover, depicting a rainbow maned pegasus in a Wonderbolts uniform against a red backdrop, was slightly frayed around the edges.

“... Red Steel? Really? Sounds dumb.”

“It's a spy novel!”

“Still sounds dumb.”

“It's about this scientist who invents a state-of-the-art steath flight suit and a special black-ops unit of Wonderbolts have to sneak into the Griffon Empire and help him get out and defect to Equestria!”

“Still sounds dumb. Look, do they have any nonfiction?”

Twilight sighed. “No, they don't have any nonfiction. Look, Daring, I know this series. I've read every book and enjoyed them all. Just give it a chance. Please? For me?”

“Fine. But if it's dumb, you owe me a book on Ancient Sphinx culture.”

===

“I was right. It was dumb.”

“Daring, you broke into the hospital to get it back.”

“Yeah, in retrospect I should have borrowed your copy instead.”

“I get the feeling that you don't think it's as dumb as you say it is.”

“I said it was dumb. Didn't say I didn't like it.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “It's always shenanigans with you, Daring, you know that?”

Daring stopped walking. “No, really, Twilight, I did like it.” Twilight raised an eyebrow dubiously. “It's... Well, Rainbow Dash is everything I ever wanted to be, you know?”

“I thought you wanted to be an Archaeologist?”

“No, no, it's more like... Look, I've never told anypony this before, but I did actually go to college. Majored in equinology with a minor in ancient history.”

“Really? But I thought that was your dream?”

“I quit.”

“Why?”

“Because it turns out that real life archaeology mostly just consists of cleaning off tiny shards of broken pots with special brushes. You can't even touch 'em with your bare hooves.” Daring lowered her head in shame. “Yeah, it turns out that I can't follow my dream 'cause I suck at it. But... Rainbow Dash doesn't let that hold her back. She goes out and she has adventures and she saves the world from global war. That's pretty awesome.” She turned to Twilight and smiled. “And it made me think. 'cause know what? I've totally gone on a buncha adventures and saved the world a bunch of times. Thanks to you.”

Twilight blushed sheepishly. “So, uh, what exactly does that mean?”

“Well, no more wanderlust, for a start. I've got my friends and I've got a job I don't hate. I figure I can sate my lust for adventure with books and the occasional national crisis we need to use the Elements of Harmony to solve. You said this was a series, right?”

“I've got all of them.”

“The perks of being friends with a librarian. Hey, one question?”

“Yeah?”

“Why does no one question that the griffon scientist dude who's defecting to Equestria is a Diamond Dog and not a griffon?”

Author's Note

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Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe

And thus begins Endark's theme of sending in ideas that I have to scale down in order to fit the word limit of 500-5000. Otherwise I could write a whole story out of this. Anyway, I wasn't too happy about this one at first, but I kinda like the ending (let's make fun of how Sean Connery isn't Russian hurr), and I like that it's more straight slice-of-life as opposed to the goofier tone of the earlier story and the darker tone of everything else on this account.
I considered having a bit inspired by Daring Don't, but decided that I already ripped enough stuff directly from the show. which is also why I skipped the action - y'all've presumably seen Read It and Weep.

Celestia got banished away after becoming some kind of Nightmare instead of Princess Luna.

They say that hindsight is twenty/twenty. But it remains baffling to me that nopony saw it coming. You see, all suspicion fell on Luna, which I suppose is understandable. Even putting aside the association with darkness and her habit of lurking in the dreams of children - something that most ponies were naturally suspicious of - Luna was outspoken, capricious, and prone to fits of violent rage. All eyes were on her - her jealousy and her loneliness, always dancing on the edge of madness but never quite falling off the edge. Of course, nopony actually thought that the obvious solution was to move past their petty fear of her and give her the attention that she craved. They merely watched her from afar, waiting for her to inevitably snap. And then one day she did, and something no one had expected happened.

Because not one of those fools had thought to pay any attention to the other princess.

Being the ruler of a country is stressful. Once upon a time, Celestia and Luna had shared their duties, ruling equally. But, over time, Luna's jealousy and loneliness had caused her to withdraw more and more, and more and more of the work of running Equestria had fallen upon the elder sister's shoulder's. The politicians were far too busy anticipating Luna's descent into madness, leaving even more work for Celestia, until it came to a point where her every waking moment (and a significant portion that should really have been spent sleeping) was dedicated to the running of Equestria.

It's only natural that eventually she snapped.

It's a matter of historical fact that, one day, Princess Luna decided to simply not lower the moon. It is unknown how the conversation went, but I like to think that it went something like this;

“I am no longer going to lower the moon!”

“I noticed! I've been having to do it myself while you moped in the corner for the past year!”

“No, I mean I'm... Look, eternal night! That's what I mean!”

“What. Okay, fine then, eternal day. See how you like that, you lazy shit.”

… wishful thinking, I suppose.

This went on for several hours, the two sisters arguing back and forth. Luna raged about the fear and resentment the ponies treated her with, and the crushing loneliness she felt every day. Celestia complained about the massive workload and the ungratefulness shown to her. Their argument got progressively more heated, until both sisters decided to resort to brute force.

The sun and moon hung in the sky, together, for approximately three months. Each sister attempted to force the other's chosen celestial body below the horizon. Neither succeeded.

This is the point where things get difficult. We know that both princesses transformed into hellish Nightmares. Perversions of what they once were. Where Celestia was once kind and wise, she became viciously violent. Where Luna was once just and honest, she became maniacal and sinister. We also know that their argument escalated from holding the sky hostage to an actual magical duel. But records are scarce because, naturally, there are no primary sources; everyone who wasn't Celestia and Luna was busy running for their lives.

And then, just like that, it ended.

Celestia and Luna vanished, never to return.

No one knows why they vanished, or where they went, but there are theories. Some believe that the two of them ended each other's lives. I find this doubtful, myself - until then, all evidence pointed to them being immortal, or at least very hard to kill. Still, if anyone could kill Celestia, it would be Luna, and vice versa. Another, somewhat less credible theory is that whatever created them returned and put a permanent end to their bickering. It's a nice idea - very mythological. But there is absolutely no evidence to back it up. And then there's what I believe. I believe that the Elements of Harmony, Equestria's greatest weapon and the tools the sisters used to defeat Discord and King Sombra, turned on their masters in order to protect us. I know, not that much more plausible than them being given a cosmic time-out, but it's somehow comforting. To think that the Elements of Harmony watch over us. Naive, I know, but it's what I believe nevertheless. Still, we'll never know for sure. Not unless we go back in time and find out firsthoof... and probably get killed in the crossfire between the two sisters.

If it's alright with you, I think I'm good not knowing.

Author's Note

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Tags: Dark, Comedy, Alternate Universe.

Okay, so it doesn't quite match the prompt, but shut up I never said I'd always match the prompt exactly. It's just a starting point. Not perfectly happy with this one, but I am rather fond of the idea of stress from overworking herself sending Celestia over the edge into becoming a Nightmare.
Fun fact; I have absolutely no clue who the narrator is in this.

Pinkie Pie is knocked up my Mr. Cake. She has to explain it to her friends.

“Okay. This is, uh, gonna take some explaining.”

A deafening silence. Great.

“Well, you see, sometimes I get... you know, frisky.”

“Pinkie Pie, I really don't want to hear any story that begins with you getting 'frisky'.”

Okay, yeah, that was probably the wrong place to start this, but Rainbow Dash would probably have reacted that way regardless. Rarity gave her a dirty look before turning back to Pinkie Pie. “Go on, Pinkie. I'm sure you're going somewhere that can be considered polite conversation with this.”

Hoo boy.

“Uh, okay, maybe not quite 'polite' conversation, but important conversation.”

“...”

“Look, just let me finish, okay?”

“... Maaaaaaybe we shouldn't be havin' this conversation in the middle of the town square.”

And once again, Applejack proved to be the voice of reason. Or at least the voice of better-at-thinking-things-through-than-Pinkie-is. Pinkie made a note to herself to do that thing that she just thought about AJ doing more often.

“To the library?”

Twilight Sparkle to the rescue. You can always count on Twilight.

The walk to the library was short, but tense. Pinkie Pie seemed unable to stay still, constantly looking from left to right and fidgeting nervously, which made walking difficult. What should have been a ten minute walk took twice that long, which frustrated Rainbow Dash to no end. “Look, Pinkie, I've got stuff I need to do, can we hurry this up?”

No response.

Rainbow Dash groaned.

The library was mostly empty, besides Spike, who Twilight quietly chased off. “So, Pinkie, you were saying?”

“Do you have any peanut butter? I could really go for some peanut butter right now. Not sandwiches, just peanut butter. And pickled eggs, and maybe some-”

“Pinkie Pie.”

“Okay, okay, fine. But you owe me peanut butter later.”

Twilight was unamused. Pinkie fidgeted. “Well, okay, like I said, sometimes I get, you know, frisky.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “And, well, it's a thing, you know? That happens to ponies, it's normal, nothing weird. So I just sneak off to my room and, you know, diddle.”

Fluttershy found herself dragged out of the corner she was cowering in, her tail enveloped in light blue magic. Rarity was giving her a Look that said 'if I have to sit through this, so does everypony else.' “Go on, Pinkie, darling.”

“Well, so, anyway, I was... you know... diddling,” another groan from Rainbow Dash, “when. Um. Are you sure you don't have any peanut butter?”

“Pinkie Pie...”

“Okay, okay. I was, um, that, when I guess I got a little loud?”

“Why are you telling us this.”

“I'm getting to it, I'm getting to it! Sheesh. So anyway I was doing the thing and I guess I got a little loud or maybe he just needed me to do something but anyway Mr Cake walked in on me - you'd think he'd knock, right, but he totally didn't! Rude, right? - So anyway I was right in the middle of doing the thing and he just barged into my room and so things were awkward and we talked and it turns out that he and Mrs Cake haven't been... You know. Doing it. As much. Lately. Yeah.”

“Pinke, are you going somewhere with this?”

“I am! I am! So anyway, we talked and I may have, um, flirted a bit -”

“Ew.”

“Rainbow Dash! Don't be rude!”

“What? He's got a weird looking face!”

“That just makes it ruder!”

“It's totally true, though!”

“Yes, but you shouldn't say that! You might hurt somepony's feelings!”

“Yeah, Rainbow Dash, what if somepony said that about you?”

“No one's gonna say that about me, unless they're lying.”

“Well... okay, true enough, but what if someone pointed out how your buttcheeks are kind of lopsided?”

“My butt isn't lopsided!”

“Your butt is totally lopsided.”

“Is not!”

“Is too.”

“Not not not not not!”

“Totally is.”

“I'm with Twilight on this one, sugarcube. 's just a little wonky, but it's definitely wonky.”

“Um, it's not that wonky, is it?”

“It's pretty wonky.”

“I can't believe I'm hearing this! You guys are all crazy!”

“I HAD SEX WITH MR CAKE AND NOW I'M PREGNANT!”

Once again, there was a deafening silence.

“So... You're super sure you don't have any peanut butter?”

Author's Note

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Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life

I'm really proud with how this one turned out. I got to have Pinkie Pie say 'diddle' multiple times and feature an extended argument about Rainbow Dash's wonky butt, which in my book makes this story a roaring success.

Octavia drops the bass and Vinyl Scratch strongly objects

Vinyl Scratch was not a morning person. It made sense, really; she was a creature of the night. And yes, sure, she played loud music all night which may or may not make her roommate have a difficult time sleeping. But that really didn't justify playing Skrillex at 110dB at eight in the morning.
"Octavia, I am going to murder you."
No response.
"Not even fucking kidding. I own a katana, you know. It's not a fake one. I could totally murder you with it."
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over this lovely new composition I was listening to just now."
"Hate."
Octavia turned the volume up.
"Oh, come on! I work the night shift and I've only had like an hour of sleep! This isn't funny anymore!"
"Should have thought of that before blaring your noise at top volume while I was trying to sleep."
"No fair! It was as low as it goes!"
"Vinyl, I checked, it was at 11."
"Anything lower than 11 is for pussies!"
Octavia turned the volume up again.
"Gah! Fine, I'm willing to negotiate!"
"Okay, good. Demand one; headphones. And I don't mean those shitty eight bit headphones you insist on using, real ones. At least 240 bits."
"What? No way! I need that money for music!"
Octavia turned the volume up again. "I don't want to have to listen to whatever inane noise you've decided is in vogue while I'm trying to sleep. Expensive headphones with minimal sound bleed or I do this every morning for as long as we live together."
"Gnnnnnnng fine I hate you."
"Good. Demand the second-"
"You only get one demand!"
"Demand the second. Actually wear your new headphones, at all times, whenever listening to music between eight pm and eight am. I need my beauty sleep."
"Fine, deal, now turn this shit off so I can slee-"
"Demand the third. No more making up musical genres to make yourself sound smarter."
"Wh- I don't make up musical genres!"
"'Progressive death electronic pirate doom metal.' Everyone can tell and it makes you sound like a hipster."
"You take that back!"
"You stop making up genres."
"This doesn't even have anything to do with your stupid beauty sleep!"
"Yes, well, I might have let myself go mad with power at this point, but I'm having too much fun to stop."
"I hate you so much."
"Demand the fourth; regular cuddles."
"Dude! Not gay! 100% heterosexual here!"
"Not according to the bathroom stalls in that garish nightclub of yours."
"Your mother!"
"Demand the fifth. You have to dress like a pretty pink fairy princess at all times from now on."
"We don't negotiate with terrorists!"
"Demand the sixth-"

Octavia found herself cut off as Vinyl lunged for her throat.

Vinyl meticulously combed her hair. It had gotten dishevelled during the fight, which was somehow different from how it usually looked in a way that only Vinyl could tell. Octavia had the day off, so she was mostly content to let her mane remain a mess, though she had removed her bowtie. She made a mental note not to wear it on future occasions when she messed with Vinyl, as it had made for a convenient chokehold.
"Okay, so, I get a pair of decent headphones and don't play loud music at night."
"Yes."
"And in exchange, you extend me the same courtesy."
"Yes, that sounds fair."
"And also you respect my love of penis and don't ever hit on me again."
"I still don't believe you, but yes, that sounds fair."
"Okay. We're good."
There was silence for a moment.
"... Well, okay, maybe a little bit gay."
"I'll put on some romantic music, you get out the scented candles."

Author's Note

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Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life

Not gonna lie, this one was written on a random whim. I think it turned out rather well, though I kinda wish I'd worked in at least one poop joke. I guess mentioning the bathroom stalls will have to do. While I was writing this, I was picturing humanized Vinyl and Octavia, but I ended up deciding to just go with ponies because it's funnier to imagine Vinyl trying to strangle Octavia without having any hands.

Lyra sits on an Octopus. Can Bonbon write... AN OBITUARY FOR AN OCTOPUS?

“You want me to do what.”

“Write an obituary.”

“For-”

“An octopus, yes.”

“Why.”

Lyra pouts. I hate it when she does that. She knows that I hate it when she does that and yet she does it anyway. Probably to irritate me. “Come on Bonbon, you've gotta!”

“That is not an acceptable answer.”

“It totally is!”

“I wasn't even aware you had an octopus.”

And there it is. The look of ridiculous melodramatic hurt, like something out of a really bad soap opera. All of Lyra's emotions are like that, so over-exaggerated that you find yourself questioning whether or not they're even genuine. “Bonbooooooooooon, how could you forget about Octy!”

“You just made that name up off the top of your head, didn't you.”

“Bonbon, you have to!”

“No I don't, Lyra. I am not obligated to do anything for you, let alone write an obituary for a pet that you apparently have that you accidentally killed by sitting on it.”

“Octopuses are notoriously good at breaking out of cages! It's not my fault!”

“Do you really want me to list the reasons why this is ridiculous because I will totally list the reasons why this is ridiculous, Lyra, don't tempt me.”

“It's not ridiculous!”

“You have never owned a pet. Our parents - with whom, might I remind you, you still live despite being almost thirty years old - are smart enough to know that giving you the responsibility of taking care of another living creature's life is a comically terrible idea. Let alone something exotic, like an octopus. Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure that octopi aren't legal to keep as pets, so if you aren't lying about that, you're still breaking the law by owning it. Or were, I guess. There's also the fact that I do not work as a journalist, nor have I ever in the past. Any 'obituary' I could write would never be seen by anyone other than you and I and maybe mom and dad. Which is probably for the best because the only person who cares about this is you, Lyra. No one is interested in reading about how your pet octopus I doubt you even have died because you fucking sat on it.”

“Octavius was a he, Bonbon! Don't disrespect his memory by calling him an 'it'!”

“You just changed his name.”

“Octy was a nickname! Shut up!”

“Okay, look. How about this. I'll write your stupid obituary thing-”

Lyra leaps with joy and hugs me full force, which I know that she knows that I really hate. “Oh, thank you Bonbon! Thank you so, so, so, so much! I-”

“But!” The hug stops. “I'll only agree to do it if you agree to something for me.” Lyra takes a step backwards, a look of trepidation on her face.

Yeah, she knows what's coming. Sue me for enjoying this.

“I'll write your stupid obituary thing if and only if you, Lyra, get a job.”

“Pft, whatever, I can do tha-”

“A real job. Not something you made up. Again.”

“I wasn't gonna make something up!”

“And you have to keep the job.”

“What! Bonbon, that's totally not fai-”

“For at least six months.”

“What?! But then no one will know that Octofred died until, like, six months after he's already died!”

“You just changed his name again.”

“Octofred is also a nickname!”

“Are you going to get a job or not?”

Lyra gives me a look of pure hatred and rage, over-exaggerated and melodramatic as per usual. Her nostrils flare wide with frustration. “Fine, you win, you don't have to write the obituary, you heartless monster.” And, with that, she storms off.

I kind of would have preferred her to actually get a job, but I'll chalk this one up as a win.

Author's Note

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Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life

If I had a pet octopus, I would name him Octofred.