Turducken

by MythrilMoth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1960

The Cutie Mark Crusaders are terrorized by the most horrific beast in all of Equestria: the wild Turducken.

While helping with the harvest for the Ponyville Founding Feast, the Cutie Mark Crusaders stumble upon one of the most terrifying creatures in all of Equestria:

A Turducken.

They soon find themselves running for their lives from this nightmarish, nigh-unstoppable behemoth...

Published 2013-11-26 19:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-26 19:20:03 UTC

*QUOBBLCK*

*QUOBBLCK*

Red, gold, and brown leaves drifted on a lazy autumn breeze as the Cutie Mark Crusaders helped Pumpkin Pie harvest pumpkins, squash, and other late produce for the Ponyville Founding Feast, a huge town-wide dinner party where everypony gathered together under the autumn sun, bringing various savory and sweet dishes to celebrate the founding of their home so many years past.

"Reckon we can get our pumpkin harvestin' Cutie Marks from this?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Why would you want a pumpkin Cutie Mark?" Sweetie Belle asked. "You're an Apple!"

"I don't think I really want a pumpkin for my Cutie Mark," Scootaloo said. "I mean...I'm orange. How would anypony even see it?"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Ah was just askin'. Sheesh!"

Scootaloo gripped a large, ripe pumpkin and began pulling on it with all her might, trying to liberate it from the vine. "Ugh...this thing's heavy! And it's really stuck on there!"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "Here, move over. You gotta have an Earth pony touch for this..." Working together, the two fillies snapped the vine...and the pumpkin flipped onto its side and began rolling down the gently sloping ground, gaining speed as the ground sloped away toward a pond a short distance from the pumpkin patch.

"Oh no!" Scootaloo yelped. "We've gotta catch that pumpkin before it reaches the pond!"

The three fillies galloped after the rolling pumpkin, but they simply couldn't catch up. The fugitive fruit hit a bump and went flying, sailing through the air and landing in the middle of the pond with a tremendous *SPLASH* before sinking slowly out of sight. Sweetie Belle panted as they skidded to a halt. "Oh no..."

"Ah don't believe this!" Apple Bloom whined. "How're we gonna explain this t' Pumpkin Pie? She'll kill us!"

As the three fillies stood and stared in dismay at the fading concentric ripples in the water, a tall, thick stand of reeds at the edge of the pond rustled.

"Quobblck."

"Whut was THAT?" Apple Bloom wondered, staring at the shaking reeds.

The reeds bent and parted to reveal a decidedly odd creature.

It was almost the same size as the fillies themselves, with a plump body covered in brown and black feathers. It had massive wings, with white down mixed in among the brown and black. It sported six scaly legs: a long, slender dark gray pair with sharp, hooked talons upon which it stood, a shorter pair with webbed toes that hung loosely underneath its body, and a shorter, yellow-orange pair which were raised before it much as a pony might use her forelegs. The base of its long neck was ruffed with short white feathers. Its head was green, topped with a short, spiky red comb above burning red eyes. It sported a short, sharp beak, from which dangled a fleshy red wattle. It glared angrily at them, ruffling its wings, and barked out a short, furious "Quobblck!"

The fillies stared at the strange bird...thing and backed up warily. "What the HAY is that thing?!" Scootaloo demanded.

"It's...some kinda bird," Sweetie Belle said. "But...birds don't have six legs...do they?"

"Quobblck," the bird creature insisted again, bobbing its head as it advanced on them, front talons twitching.

"Uhhh...girls?" Apple Bloom said nervously. "Ah think we'd better..."

The creature lowered its head and charged, its long, ungainly legs sprinting faster than should be possible.

"RUUUUUUUN!" Apple Bloom screamed as she turned tail and charged back up the slope, her friends and the severely annoyed bird right behind her.

As they raced past the pumpkin patch, Pumpkin Pie walked out of her house. "Hey girls, thought you could use a break...hey, where are you going? ...WHAT THE HAY?!"

"Run fer yer life, Pumpkin!" Apple Bloom called over her shoulder.

"QUOBBLCK!" the creature spat at Pumpkin as it passed. The mare wisely backed into her house and shut the door. The bird continued its pursuit of the Crusaders.

Minutes later, the three panting, sweating, terrified Crusaders entered Ponyville proper, where ponies were going about their business. "Quick, over there!" Sweetie Belle gasped out, pointing at a stack of wooden crates next to a house. The fillies quickly jumped behind the crates and peered anxiously around the edge.

The bird creature had disappeared.

"Whew," Apple Bloom said. "That was close."

"Hey girls, whatcha doin'?" Pinkie Pie's voice intruded. The fillies screamed in fright as she popped out of a barrel right next to them.

"Don't DO THAT!" Scootaloo shouted. "I'm already about to have a heart attack!"

"Some weird thing was chasin' us out by th' pumpkin patch," Apple Bloom said.

"What weird thing?" Pinkie asked.

"We don't know what it was," Sweetie Belle said.

"Was it a Turducken?"

"A Turducken?" Scootaloo asked, tilting her head.

"Yup, a Turducken!"

"What's a Turducken?" Sweetie asked.

Pinkie Pie pointed behind the fillies with a hoof. "That's a Turducken!"

"Quobblck," the Turducken said testily.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" the Crusaders screamed, leaping over their hiding place and charging up the street. The Turducken gave chase, murderous intent in its beady eyes.

"Oooooh, I wouldn't wanna be those three right now," Pinkie said as she watched the chase. "Turduckens have really nasty tempers."

* * * * *

For half an hour, the terrified Crusaders ran all over Ponyville, the monstrous Turducken chasing them. The bizarre chase had not gone unnoticed, but most of the witnesses were too freaked out (or too unwilling to get involved in Cutie Mark Crusader shenanigans) to get involved.

"This is crazy!" Scootaloo said. "We can't just run from this thing forever!"

"What...do you suggest...we do?" Sweetie wheezed out.

"We've gotta FIGHT it!" Scootaloo declared, skidding to a halt and turning to face the Turducken, planting her hooves firmly. "It's just a dumb bird! Rainbow Dash wouldn't be afraid of a dumb bird, and neither am I!"

"Quobblck!" the Turducken cried. It tipped back its head, its burning red eyes never leaving the orange filly. Its neck cracked forward like a whip, and it opened its beak wide...

...and issued a crackling, snapping fireball.

Scootaloo screamed and ran for her life. Again.

"'We've gotta fight it', huh?" Apple Bloom mocked as she and Sweetie Belle joined her.

"I DIDN'T KNOW IT COULD BREATHE FIRE! NOPONY TOLD ME IT COULD BREATHE FIRE! IT WOULD'VE BEEN REALLY, REALLY USEFUL TO KNOW THAT FREAKY THING COULD BREATHE FIRE!!"

A rainbow blur descended from the sky, hovering in front of the Crusaders. "Hey, Squirt! Heard you yelling from way up there, what's goin' oHOLY HORSEAPPLES, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!"

"Pinkie Pie says it's a Turducken, we ticked it off down at the pond by the pumpkin patch, it's been chasing us all over town and it breathes fire!" Sweetie Belle squeaked out, not breaking her stride.

"Why'd you go and tick off something that breathes fire?" Rainbow Dash asked, easily keeping pace with the Crusaders despite flying backwards to stare at the monster bird.

"We didn't do it on purpose!" Apple Bloom cried. "We were just helpin' Pumpkin Pie with th' harvest, an' this stupid pumpkin got away from us an' rolled into th' pond, an' then that stupid thing got ticked off an' started chasin' us!"

"QUOBBLCK!"

A fireball zipped over Apple Bloom's head, passing close enough to Rainbow Dash to singe a few feathers. "Okay, that does it," Rainbow Dash said. Reversing direction in midair, she charged the Turducken, plowing into it and sending it flying down the street. "TAKE THAT, YOU FREAKY FIRE-BREATHING FEATHERBRAIN!"

As the Turducken tumbled to a halt, it glared at Rainbow Dash, shaking itself down with its wings spread at its side. "Quobblck!" It squatted down on the road, its body vibrating. After a moment, it stood, revealing a largish, slightly yellow egg. With another cry of "Quobblck!", the Turducken used one of its dangling webbed feet to kick the egg at the pegasus.

"What the—?! Did you just throw an egg at me? Oh no, you did NOT just throw an egg at ME—"

An inch from Rainbow Dash's muzzle, the egg exploded like a bomb. Rainbow screamed as she was thrown roughly to the ground by the blast.

"RAINBOW DASH!" the Crusaders cried.

The Turducken quobblcked in victory, spreading its great feathery wings. It half-hopped, half-flew over to the downed pegasus, rearing its head in preparation for delivering a fatal fireball...

"Alright, whatever you are, that's enough," a voice said sternly. A violet aura surrounded the creature, lifting it into the air and pulling it away from Rainbow Dash. The Crusaders turned to see Twilight Sparkle standing several feet away, eyes narrowed. "Applejack, go!"

As Twilight released her magical aura, a lasso sailed forth and wrapped itself around the Turducken's neck, cinching tightly and slamming it to the ground. It struggled, quobblcking angrily as it flailed its short front legs and madly flapped its wings. It managed to get off the ground, but a tug on the lasso brought it down again.

"Woo-wee, that's one crazy-lookin' critter," Applejack said. "Whut th' heck IS that thing, Twi?"

"I have no idea," Twilight said. "I've never seen anything like it before. It looks like some kind of chimera, but..."

"Pinkie Pie called it a Turducken," Sweetie Belle said as the Turducken glared sullenly around at them, having given up on its struggles.

"Turducken, huh?" Applejack mused. "Well, Ah reckon it's th' turdiest Turducken Ah ever did see, alright."

"It's the ONLY Turducken you've ever seen," Apple Bloom pointed out.

"QUOBBLCK!" the Turducken suddenly roared skyward, before laying another deadly egg.

"Look out!" Rainbow Dash, who had just regained consciousness and risen shakily to her hooves, cried. "Its eggs explode!"

"On it," Twilight said, aiming her horn at the egg. It rose into the air, wreathed in a sphere of magical force, and exploded harmlessly.

"Where did something like that even come from?" Twilight asked a she cast a sleep spell on the Turducken for good measure.

"We found it at the pond down by the pumpkin patch," Scootaloo said. "Or rather, it found us."

Applejack studied the sleeping Turducken, head tilted. "Ah dunno...a critter that's part chicken, part turkey, an' part duck that breathes fire an' lays explodin' eggs? Sounds mighty far-fetched t' me..."

"It's not a Farfetch'd, it's a Turducken!" Pinkie Pie chimed in as she bounced up to the group. "Oh, and you caught it! Awesome! Not many ponies can wrangle a wild Turducken."

"Yeah, it was kind of a group effort," Applejack said. "Mind explainin' how you know what this thing is?"

Pinkie shrugged. "You wouldn't believe how dangerous life on a rock farm is."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Alright, so I guess now we need to return this thing to its natural habitat..."

Pinkie shook her head. "That won't work, Twilight. Once a Turducken gets mad, it'll never stop hunting the ponies it's mad at. Even if we take it all the way to the other end of Equestria, it'll still come after those fillies. And you and Rainbow Dash and Applejack too, now."

Applejack frowned. "So what do we DO with it? Cuz Ah don't wanna spend th' rest of mah life lookin' over my shoulder for explodin' eggs."

"Or fireball breath," Sweetie Belle added.

"I never wanna hear 'quobblck' ever again," Scootaloo chimed in.

"There's only one way to get rid of a Turducken," Pinkie Pie said sagely.

* * * * *

Roast Turducken turned out to be the biggest hit at the Founding Feast.

Author's Note

What can I say? The idea of a turducken existing as an actual creature in Equestria entered my mind, then I saw the image I based my cover art on (which I can't find a source for, unfortunately), and...this happened.

Happy Thanksgiving, everypony!