Princess Twilight's Fan Mail

by Jake R

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1635

As a princess, Twilight receives many letters, and as the great pony she is, she answers all of them... to our dismay.

Collaboration with this person

What happens when Princess Twilight answers letters from her friends and subjects throughout Equestria?

Oh, how I envy/pity/whatever your innocence.

Fair warning: This story has got quite the potty mouth. Obviously, its parents were seriously neglectful.

Published 2013-11-27 02:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-28 02:23:22 UTC

To Whom It May Concern

Deaerest Twahlaght,

Y'all have ther purtiest dang patootie Ah have ever laid mah durned ahes awn. Y'all make mah wetter 'n a snake in a frog's bog.

Sinsurly,
yer fyuchure love,
Applejack.

***

Dear Applejack,

I do believe I have the vapors. I need some country-fried pussy, m'dear. Please oblige.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle MD

Um... dear Twilight...

I... um... I... um... uh...

that is...

uh... um... Twilight.... I-.... err...

L-Lo- with car- sincerel- with regar- hi,
Fluttershy.

***

Dear Fluttershy,

Ugh, you're so goddamn annoying. Go bother someone else. Maybe Dash'll pop you or something, I dunno.

With regard,
Princess Twilight Sparkle, Esq

***

MEANWHILE: Fluttershy is masturbating furiously to the letter because the abuse makes her drip like a faucet.

"NNNNG YES TWILIGHT CALL ME A DIRTY WHORE"

Dearest Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I, your beloved friend and future fashion magnifique, Rarity, would greatly appreciate your hoof in beginning a refined, romantic relationship. Poetry and artwork would be done in the name of our romantic, fairy tail wedding.

Your dearest love, closest companion, greatest friend, and future wife,
Rarity.

***

Dear Rarity,

Okay… ew. I dunno how to put this lightly, but you are a nasty-ass hoe, Rarity. You're like a bowling ball. You get fingered and tossed in the gutter 20 times a night. God knows how many diseases you picked up along the way. For God's sake, you tried to fuck that poof Blueblood, that's how low your standards are.

Maybe that hippy Sluttercry is DTF, but not me.

With love,
Lord Twilightus of Sparkletopia MD

Yo, Twilight,

It's Dash. I'm super drunk, and super bored. I need to fuck SOMETHING before my cunt lights on fire. Get your grape ass up here and let's party.

Fuck me blind,
Rainbow Dash.

***

Dear Dash,

Meh, okay.

Sincerely,
Her Holiness, Twifight Sparkill V

NOTE FROM THE COURIER:
The next letter received is covered in a mixture of cake frosting and sprinkles.

"Dear Twi( )

( ) hungry! I wan( ) pickle-barr( ) ripped-off ( ) down the drai( ) gay as FU( ). And I th( ) Mr. Cake ( ) his face was COVERED in( ) Big Macintosh was( ) don't tell Mrs. Cake( ) also I'( ) please?

Lots of love,
( ) Pie."

***

Dear Pinkie,

I got your letter, but I ated it.

It tasted like paper and sprinkles.

Fucking ace, man.

Later,
T to the W to the I to the...

Hey Twilight,

Since you're out so much I thought I'd just leave this by your nightstand so you'd get it.

I have to ask, are you hitting Trixie's stash? You're saying weird things. Also, why do your friends keep sending you letters? If they want your royal vag, they just need to come ask, seriously, I'll drop a few sleeping pills in your glass and start making some actual money.

Also, will you please stop changing your name? It's hard to keep up with.

Your faithful assistant,
Spike.

***

Dear Spike,

I don't need drugs. I'm high on life motherfucker!

Also, yeah, everyone wants my Prominent Purple Princess Pony Pussy™, but it's not like I'm gonna trick it out like I'm that hoe Rarity. I got standards, bitch.

And… what name changes?

Sincerely,
Cult of TWAAAAAAAAAIIIII

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

It has come to our attention you have tried to trademark the phrase "Prominent Purple Princess Pony Pussy". We would like to inform you that that that name has already been trademarked under our company's name by Canterlot law.

The P-5 is a hot seller to young colts who have aspirations of making on our esteemed princess, Twilight Sparkle. However, we are willing to work out a deal.

If you come and allow us to model our next model around your rump and genitals, I'm sure we can come to some sort of compromise.

With regards,
Early Finish.

***

Dear Bitches,

I've. Got. Me. An. Army.

Do not test me, I am so far gone off the deep end, it's not fucking funny.

With love,
Princess of Dat Pussay, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Twilight,

I had a magnificent dream about you last night. We pranced through a field of flowers to a picnic set up for two. We showered honeyed-wine on each other and then quietly rutted in the fields.

In my dreams, your virgin fields were as soft and warm as a summer wind. I would do anything to know if my fantasies are true.

Please, we must meet.

With sincere love,
Prince Blueblood.

Hah! That entitled nerd will definitely fall for this, Chalice. I'll hump her stupid and live like a king while the staff handles the brats she pops out.

Beau, send the letter.

Stop writing!

Wait, what did you write? No, don't send-

***

Dear Blueblood,

Um… you're a fucking poof.

Flame on,
"Twilight of the Ice Nymphs" Sparkle

***

MEANWHILE: Blueblood has no idea what a poof is, and is driving himself INSANE with how insulted he is.

Dear Twilight,

I get this weird feeling whenever I see you, like a bunch of bats in my stomach. It's really weird, but I like it, I get all warm and tickly between my legs!

My friends are getting suspicious by how much I want to go to the library, but I just want to see you all the time! Can you tell me what's going on?

-Scootaloo.

***

Dear Scootaloo,

It's quite alright, my child. I will explain everything…

You are horribly evil and dirty. Whatever's going on in your loins is witchcraft, and you need to fix it by bathing in bleach. Even then, though, you will never wash away the sin.

Stay the fuck away from me.

Also, stop asking me and Dash to be your moms. That's fucking gay as hell, and you should feel stupid.

Love,
Twi.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Since you have lived here in Ponyville with us common folk, I was hoping you would better understand the plight I have.

The class divide between the rich, Canterlot nobles and the simple folk at the foot of the mountain means that our voices rarely ever get heard. We send letters, make statements, and our politicians promise to make changes but our word never reaches the higher reaches of the Canterlot royal court.

While I do not begrudge you for your race, I often feel oppressed for not possessing a horn and sometimes wonder if I'd be taken more seriously were I capable of magic. Since you are the princess of a modern time, of a modern town, of the modern pony, I was hoping you could correct these mistakes in your future endeavors.

From a concerned citizen,
Jam Jars the Jam Pony.

***

Dear Mudpony,

Wait, what? Sorry, I couldn't hear you. I was busy counting the money I have from controlling the banks with the jewnicorns. You were saying?

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkstein.

Dear Princess Twilight,

I touch myself to thoughts of you at night.

Applejack thinks it's weird when I call your name out in bed, but sometimes I just get bored of her.

I don't know why I'm sending you this, apparently everypony is sending you letters, but I just thought you should know I want to lick the cutie marks off your flanks.

Just sayin',
Big Macintosh.

***

Dear Big Mac,

I'd like to appeal to your policy of selling the McRib and Shamrock Shake at different limited time offers. I feel that you are depriving me of a foodgasm the likes of which carries no precedence.

Do something about this, or the bombs drop.

K later,
Princess Twilight.

Dear my beloved student,

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that this happened! I happened to write Spike's mailfire address on a bathroom wall while I was drunk and getting railed by your hunk of a brother.

I really did not mean to, and I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to put your address up I mean, I totally meant to fuck your brother. That boy is a HUNK. With you out of the castle, I literally have no other reason to wake up and raise the sun other than get wrecked by your baby-sitter's husband.

Seriously, I'm writing this while blowing hi( )

Don't mind the stain.

Plenty of love,
Princess Celestia and Shining Armor.

***

Dear Celestia,

Just tell me straight up… is he huge?

I just… I gotta fuckin' know, man.

Your hot 'n bothered colleague,
Twilight Farkle.

***

Dear Twilight,

Thank goodness for magic, or he would have straightened out my large intestine by now.

Love,
Your stuffed Princess.

***

Dear Shiny,

Hey, big brother!

Listen, I know it's been a while, but I think it's time I shared some quality time with my BB…ugh, fuck, how does that shit go again?

Eh, it doesn't matter. I need to see you, Shining Armor. Don't… actually, fuck it, bring Cadance, she needs to be there to watch.

I'll explain when you get here.

Your spunky sister,
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1…kle

Author's Note

Credit for the genesis of this goes to Peroth... that sick, sick fuck.

Supplement: A Letter From the Princess (Him/Her)self

My little ponies,

I am most pleased with the positive reception this tome chronicling the correspondence between myself and my friends has received. It's so wonderful to see this rich collection of history enjoyed by all of Equestria.

Many of you are wondering if this great series will continue, and to that I say...

No. Fuck you. Eat my ass and die, bitch.

With love and affection,
Princess "I twerk to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City, and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me" Sparkle.