Chapters Red vs. Blue: The Equestrian Gulch Chronicles
Two ponies climbed up onto the top of the Red base, one clad in maroon armor, named Twilight "Simmons" Sparkle, the other in orange armor, named Applejack. They stood there, overlooking the box canyons landscape. Twilight turned to Applejack.
"Hey Applejack?" Twilight said.
"Yeah?" Applejack replied.
"Have you ever wondered why we're here?" Twilight asked.
"Is one ah life’s great mysteries ain't it? Why are we here? Ah mean, are we the product ah some cosmic coincidence, or is Celestia really a goddess that created everything an' is now watching everything? Ya know, wit' a plan fer us an' stuff. Ah don’ know, sugarcube. But it keeps me up at night."
"...What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon."
"Oh. Uh... yeah." Applejack rubbed her hoof along her neck.
"What was all that stuff about the Goddesses?"
"Um... hm? Nothing." Applejack said quickly.
"You wanna talk about it?" Twilight asked, her face showing concern.
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes'm." Applejack was getting annoyed.
"Seriously though. Why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of no where."
"Mhmm." Applejack nodded.
"The only reason we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here."
"Yeah. That's cus we're fighting each other."
"No no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo."
"What's up wit' that anyway?" Applejack asked, confusion and annoyance plain on her face. "Ah mean, ah signed on ta fight some aliens. Next thing ah know, Master Chief’s gone an' blown up the entire Covenant armada an' ah’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, fightin' a bunch of blue ponies."
/-/-/-/
Meanwhile, on the edge of a nearby cliff, a pony in cobalt armor, named Luna, is watching the two Reds with the scope of her sniper rifle. Sitting behind her is a pony named Lavernius, or Tucker, who is wearing cyan armor.
"What are they doing?" Tucker asked.
Luna looked away from the scope of the sniper rifle and turned to Tucker. "What?!" she asked, aggravated.
"I said, what are they doing?" Tucker repeated.
"God damn, I'm so sick of answering that question."
"You have the fucking rifle, I can’t see shit. Don’t start to bitch at me cause I'm not gonna sit up here and play with my di-"
Luna quickly interrupted Tucker. "Okay look, they’re just standing there, and talking. That's all they're doing. That’s all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That’s what they were doing last week, that’s what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from now, when you ask me, 'What are they doing?' my answer's gonna be, 'They’re still just talking, and they're still just standing there'.” Both of them fall silent for a few minutes.
"What're they talking about?"
"You know what? I fucking hating you." Luna states angrily.
"Yeah, yeah. You know you love me." Tucker teased.
Luna facehoofed before turning back to her sniper rifle, looking back at the Reds.
/-/-/-/
"Talk bout' a waste of resources." Applejack began. "Ah mean, we should be out there findin' newer and intelligent forms of life, ya know, fight em'."
"Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge." Twilight pointed out.
"Hey ladies!" shouted Big Macintosh or Sarge, a large colt in red armor. "Front and center on the double!"
"Fuck!" Twilight said to herself.
"Yes sir!" Applejack called out to Big Mac. The two Reds walked down the ramp that led up to the top of the base and walked towards the waiting Sergeant, who was tapping his right forehoof impatiently.
"Hurry up ladies! This ain't no ice cream social!" Big Mac called out to the two mares.
Twilight and Applejack stopped and exchanged looks. "Ice cream social?" Twilight asked.
"Stop the pillow talk you two! Anyone wanna guess why I gathered you here today?" Big Mac asked the two.
"Um... is it because the war is over an' ya're sendin' us home?" Applejack asked, a confused look on her face.
"That's exactly it, Private." Big Mac stated mockingly. "War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Twilight here, IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!!"
"Ah'm no stranger ta sarcasm, sir." said Applejack.
"Goddamn it Private! Shut your mouth or I'll have Sparkle here slit your throat in your sleep!"
"Oh I'd do it, too." Twilight said with a wink.
"I know you would, Twilight. Good mare." Big Mac paused for a few moments before speaking again. "Couple of things today ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Equestrian Gulch Outpost Number One."
"Oh crap. We're gettin' a rookie." said Applejack.
"That's right, dead pony. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we recieved the first part of our shipment from Command." Applejack and Twilight exchanged looks as Big Mac turned towards the base. "Lopez, bring up the vehicle!" A large, armor plated, jeep like vehicle rolled up to the three reds, a pony in brown armor who looks similar to Doctor Whooves in the front seat.
"Shotgun!" Twilight called out.
"Shotgun!" Applejack called out a split second later, before realizing it was too late. "Fuck!"
Big Mac cleared his throat. "May I introduce you to our new light reconnaissance vehicle." Big Mac motioned to the jeep. "It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlecolts, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog."
"Why warthog, sir?" Applejack asked.
"Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son."
"Ah know, but why Warthog? Ah mean, it ain't look much like a pig."
Big Mac's face showed confusion, as he paused and thought about what Applejack just said. "Say that again."
"Ah think it looks more like a Puma." Applejack pointed out.
"What in Sam Hell is a Puma?" Big Mac asked.
"Uh... you mean like the horseshoe company?" Twilight asked.
"No, it's a big cat. Like a lion."
"You're making that up." Big Mac stated.
"Ah'm tellin' ya, it's a real animal!"
"Twilight, I want you to poison Applejack's next meal."
"Yes, sir!" Twilight replied.
Big Mac pointed at the front of the Warthog. "Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks and what kind of animal has tusks?"
"A walrus." Applejack replied.
"Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!"
/-/-/-/
Back at the cliff, the two blues were still watching the reds.
"What is that thing?" Tucker asked.
Luna lowered her rifle and turned back to Tucker. "I don't know, man. Looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it."
Tucker was taken aback. "A car?! How come they get a car?!"
"What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."
"You can't pick up chicks in a tank." Tucker pointed out, disappointed.
"Oh you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're about to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that? Besides, I'm a chick, so it doesn't really matter to me."
Tucker sighed. "What kind of car is it?"
Luna looked back the Reds and the vehicle with her sniper rifle. "I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind."
"What? Like a Puma?"
"Yeah, man, there you go."
/-/-/-/
"So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Applejack?" asked Big Mac, teasingly.
"No, sir. No more suggestions."
"Are you sure? How about Bigfoot?"
"It's okay."
"Unicorn?"
"Sir, Unicorns are real." Twilight pointed out, pointing her hoof at her horn.
"Eeyup... thank you Private. What about a Sasquatch?"
"Leprechaun?" Twilight asked.
"Hey, he ain't need any help, Sparkle." Applejack pointed out, agitation apparent in her voice.
"Pheonix?" Big Mac asked.
"Those are real too, sir." Twilight pointed out.
"Shut up Sprinkles!" Big Mac ordered.
"Yes, sir!"
"Celestia kill me now..." Applejack muttered to herself.
"Hey Twilight, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats."
"Uh... I believe that would be the chupacabra, sir."
"Hey Applejack, chupathingy! How about that? I like it, gotta ring to it."
Red vs. Blue: The Equestrian Gulch Chronicles
Twilight and Applejack stood on top of the base, talking as usual. Twilight had an annoyed look on her face.
"Hey, that's not exactly what happened." Twilight pointed out.
"Yes'm, it is. Ya said 'Ah'm not going ta the Pegas Quadrant,' and then the next thing ah know, yer in an escape pod headed for-" Applejack responded, before a pink pony in red armor bounced up, interrupting them.
"Hi sirs!" she practically shouted.
"Sirs?" Twilight said, a confused look on her face while she and Applejack shared a glance.
"Ah crap..." Applejack muttered to herself.
"I was told to report to Equestria Gulch Number One, and speak to whoever is in charge!" the pink pony said, bouncing excitedly in place.
"Sorry mare, Sarge is at command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today." Applejack said.
"Actually Private, he left me in charge while he's gone." Twilight pointed out.
"Ya are such a kiss-ass." Applejack retorted.
"He also told me if I had any trouble from you I should... *clears her throat* 'Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato can." Twilight said, giving a horrible impression of Sarges voice.
"That be the worst impression Ah ever done heard." Applejack said.
"Okay rookie, what's your story." Twilight asked.
"Private Donut, sir, reporting for duty. You can also call me Pinkie Pie. I'm ready to fight some aliens and party like there is no tomarrow!" Pinkie said excitedly.
"Couple of things ere', rookie." Applejack started. "First off, Private Donut? Ah think someone needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?"
"This is the standard issue red." Pinkie pointed out.
"Yeah, ah know. Only two kinds of ponies wear standard issue armor: Officers and recruits. And since ya aren't threatenin' ta gut meh like a fish, yer probably not an officer." Applejack said.
"But she's wearing red armor!" Pinkie protested, pointing at Twilight.
"No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red." Twilight pointed out.
"Well, then how do I get a different color armor?" Pinkie asked.
Applejack let out a long sigh. "Ah bet them blues ain't have to put up with this crap."
Meanwhile, on the other side of the canyon, Luna, Tucker, and a gray Pegasus with long, blonde hair, clad in blue armor, are overlooking their brand new tank.
"So I say to the guy," the gray Pegasus began, "'how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' and he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship' and I go, 'if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"
"Hey kid." Tucker said quickly.
"Yeah?" the Pegasus asked.
"Shut up, you're ruining the moment."
"Oh... you got it... man!" she said, her eyes starting to wander.
"You know what?" Luna asked. "I could blow up all of Equestria with this thing."
"Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal." Twilight started.
"Ah jus' rafuse ta call her Donut." Applejack said.
"Then call her Pinkie." Twilight said. "Anyways, we've got a very important mission for you. Think you can handle it?"
"Uh huh!" Pinkie said, beaming at the two.
"We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease." Twilight said.
"Eeyup, and some rope." Applejack said.
"You and your fucking rope..." Twilight muttered.
"Oh! And get sum headlight fluid for teh Puma ta."
"The what?" Pinkie asked.
"She means the warthog." Twilight pointed out.
"Ya do know where teh store is, right rookie?" Applejack asked.
"What? Yeah, yeah, I know where it is, no problem!" Pinkie said.
"Well, get going, then." Twilight said.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie said, bouncing across the base.
"Wrong way, Pinkie!" Twilight called out.
Pinkie stopped and turned around, bouncing back. "Oops! I knew that!" she said as she bounced passed them and down the ramp. Twilight and Applejack watched her bounce away from the base.
"How long do you think it will be before she realizes there is no store?" Twilight asked Applejack.
"Ah say bout' a week."
Pinkie continued bouncing through the canyon, until stopping and thinking for a second. "Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back with that headlight fluid and some rope, I'm going to talk to the Sergeant about this." she said, before continuing to bounce through the canyon.
"You know what?" Tucker said, "Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up mares in this thing. Probably two or three a piece."
Luna turned towards Tucker, an annoyed scowl on her face. "Oh man, listen to you. What're you going to do with two mares?"
"Luna, mares are like Voltron. The more you hook up, the better it gets."
Twilight and Applejack watched the pink pony bounce away farther and farther from the Red Base. Twilight turned to Applejack, her face showing concern.
"You think we were too hard on her?" Twilight asked.
"Nope." Applejack said, her neck raising a little. "She'll jus wander round' the canyon fer a few hours. What's teh worst that could happen?"
Pinkie Pie overlooked the Blue Base, or the store, as she thought it was. "Finally! That must be it!" Pinkie said happily, bouncing towards it. She noticed the scorpion tank next to the base. Her smile grew twice its size. "Sweet! They sell tanks! I hope they also sell cupcakes! Yum!"
Authors note - Sorry to cut this short, but time was short, and I wanted to get this out. Expect a longer chapter next time.
Red vs. Blue: The Equestrian Gulch Chronicles
The Blues stood in front of the tank, still admiring it. After a long couple of moments, Luna finally spoke up.
"Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home." Luna stated, a small brush spreading across her face.
"Wait, you're a fillyfooler?" Tucker asked.
"Sort of. I'm bi." Luna stated, her blush growing larger.
After a long pause, Tucker spoke up again. "Can I watch?"
"Shut up!" Luna practically screamed at him.
"Bow chicka wow wow!" Tucker called out, before noticing that Luna was glaring at him. Tucker was thankful glares couldn't kill.
"Okay, okay! So, is she your fillyfriend, or your wife?" Tucker asked.
"No, man, she's just my fillyfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works." Luna said, her glare dissipating.
"Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back? Tucker asked.
Before Luna could answer, the Rookie spoke up. "I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"
Luna shot the Rookie an annoyed glance. "Hey, rookie.. did you just call my fillyfriend a cow?"
"No, I think she called her a slut!" Tucker said, a sly smirk spreading across his face. Luna glared at him, before turning her attention back to the Rookie.
"I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long," Luna began, her scowl starting to lighten, "but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do."
"Great!" The Rookie stated, beaming at the alicorn.
"See, we've got this... General..." Luna began.
Tucker nodded dumbly, catching onto Luna's game. "Right, the General guy."
Luna cleared her throat and continued. "...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by."
"When is he coming by?" The Rookie asked, one of her eyes wandering.
"It really creeps me out when she does that..." Tucker muttered. Luna elbowed him in the side.
"We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now." Luna answered for Tucker.
"You want me to stand at attention for a week?" The Rookie asked in a confused manner, her eye continuing to wander.
"You know, you don't sound very grateful." Luna stated, staring down at the Rookie. "This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag."
"What's so important about the flag?" The Rookie asked. Tucker just stared at her wandering eyes, bewildered.
"Oh, come on, don't they teach you fillies anything in training?" Luna asked, rolling her eyes.
"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?" The Rookie asked.
"Because it's the flag, mare, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's..." Luna glanced at Tucker, smacking his flank with his tail, knocking him out of his trance. "Tucker, you tell her why the flag is so important."
"Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue." Tucker stated, trying to think of what to say.
"It's just important, okay?" Luna stated, annoyed. "Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."
"Right." Tucker agreed.
"So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him." Luna said sternly.
The Rookie nodded and started walking towards the base, but stopped half way there and turned back to the two other blues. "Uh, how will I know when I see him?" She asked.
"There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us." Tucker responded.
"Now get in there, and don't come out!" Luna shouted at her. As the Rookie entered the Blue Base, Luna turned back to Tucker. "By the Goddesses... that filly is dumber than you are."
"You mean she's dumber than you are." Tucker responded, shooting a sly smirk at her.
Luna rolled her eyes. "Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back." She said, before sticking her tongue out at him.
The Rookie reemerged from the base. "Um... Miss Luna? Ma'am? She called out.
Luna turned towards the Rookie. "Dear Celestia... WHAT!?" She shouted at her, before turning back to Tucker. "Tucker, I swear to my dear sister, I'm gonna kill her!"
"Sorry about calling your girl a slut..." She muttered, barely loud enough for Luna to hear.
"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!" Luna shouted at her, as the Rookie retreated into the base as fast as she could. As Luna calmed down, she could hear Tucker laughing. She turned around to see that he was indeed laughing, his flank turned to her.
"Tucker, are you laughing at me?" Luna asked, agitation clear in her voice. As she asked this, a pink pony walked up behind them.
"HI! Can I ask you a question?" Pinkie asked. Her voice and the Rookies voice sounded very similar.
"Dear Celestia, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!" Luna stated, even more agitated than ever.
"What did I do?" Pinkie asked, a little hurt.
"One..." Luna began counting.
"Aw, gimme a break." Pinkie pleaded.
"TWO!"
"Fine!" Pinkie shouted, her mane deflating as she ran inside of the base. She sniveled and walked up to the Rookie, who was standing next to the flag.
"Wow, you got here fast!" The Rookie exclaimed.
"Why is everypony so bucking rude in this canyon?" Pinkie asked sadly.
"I'm not, ma'am, what can I do for you?" The Rookie asked.
Pinkies mane instantly poofed back to its original shape as she pulled the Rookie in for a tight embrace. "Finally, someone with a little respect around here!"
The Rookie blushed furiously until Pinkie let her go after a few long moments. "Y-y-yes, sir! I-I assume you're here because of this..." She said, motioning towards the Blue flag.
"Wait, is this all you have?!" Pinkie demanded, her tone almost sounding seductive.
"Uh, yes, sir. That's it!" The Rookie said.
"Aw great, this figures." Pinkie muttered, rolling her eyes. "Shit. What about elbow grease?"
"Uhmm..." The Rookie began, one of her eyes starting to wander. Pinkie, however, either didn't notice her eye, or just chose to ignore it.
"Rope?" Pinkie asked. The Rookie shook her head as she went cross eyed.
"Headlight fluid?" Pinkie asked, exasperated.
The Rookie shook her head as her eyes returned to normal. "No. All we have is this flag."
"Well, I can't go back empty handed." Pinkie stated, a small smile spreading across her face. "I guess I'll take that."
"Sure, that makes sense. I guess." The Rookie said, shrugging. Pinkie walked forward and picked up the flag.
"Thanks!" She said, beaming at the blue Rookie.
"Not a problem, ma'am!" The Rookie replied, as Pinkie started walking away. Suddenly remembering something, she chased after her. "Wait!"
"What's wrong?" Pinkie asked, turning to face the Rookie. The Rookie smiled and held out a muffin to her.
"I baked this muffin for you, ma'am."
"Aww, thank you!" Pinkie said, taking the muffin from her and eating it whole in one swift motion. She then pulled in the Rookie for a quick hug and hopped out the blue base.
Pinkie glanced at the blue flag and sighed. "They're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag."
/-/-/-/
"Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin." Luna said, glancing over at the tank before looking back at Tucker. "Go ahead and get in there, Tucker."
"Bow chicka wow wow... wait... me? I can't drive that thing." Tucker said, shooting Luna a confused look.
Luna shot an equally confused look back at him. "You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?" She asked.
"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle." Tucker said, facehoofing. "Don't you know how to drive that?"
"No! ..Holy Crap! Who is running this army!?" Luna demanded to no one in particular.
The Rookie trotted out of the base, a dumb grin spread across her face. "Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!" She called out to the other two blues.
"Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron!" Luna shouted to the Rookie, before turning back to Tucker. "Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?"
Authors Note - Next chapter will be out in 2-3 days.
Red vs. Blue: The Equestrian Gulch Chronicles
Hey guys, I know how you guys have been asking for a bit of a difference between this and the real Red vs. Blue series, so I promise you guys, after the next chapter, I will be making this a little different.
Cheers,
