Celestia's poor performance in seduction

by Shadowstalker

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 3432

Discord needs to not touch Celestia's self-learning tapes. Really, it just ends badly.

Celestia, as the castle knows, as Equestria knows, is dating Discord. They, occasionally have a small fling every once in a while, but it just turns awkward afterwards. All of it, because of Celestia's inability to do it properly. Now, with a self-help tape, she plans to solve that. Unfortunately, Discord finds it and decides, unknowingly what it is, to switch it with a guide on how to cook a turkey.
Hopefully she uses butter instead of oil, otherwise that would just be weird.

Published 2013-11-29 02:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-29 02:10:03 UTC

Realizing you have a problem.

"I'll be back sometime tomorrow, perhaps mid-day," Discord said giving Celestia a peck on the cheek and Luna a ruffle on her head. "Now, I need to go protect Equestria from my couch. Although I could take a nap. I'm not sure." He shrugged before teleporting away.

As soon as he disappeared, Celestia grabbed her sister by the shoulders and pulled her close enough that they head-butted each other. Rubbing the spot on her head, Luna stared at her sister as she looked back, her whole face turning as red as a tomato.

"I suppose you need something of me?" Luna asked, starting to feel uncomfortable so close to her sister. "Celestia," she said. "If this is about you and Discord fornicating, then I want no part in it."

"Please?" Celestia said through her teeth. "I need your help. I'm not asking you for much, just some advice, tips even! Every time me and him go at it, it just ends so..."

"Disastrous?" Luna replied. "Horrific? Humiliating? Depressing? Wait," her eyes slowly narrowed as a smirk grew. "You cannot get him aroused?"

"No!" She said letting go and stepping back as if she'd been stabbed. "Well, maybe the first... But I can certainly accomplish the last one." She said defensively while her face began to burn even more. "It just ends so awkward. I don't feel like I'm doing my best and he just... I know he cares and that's why he hasn't said anything."

"Ah, so you feel as if you are not acting your part well enough." Luna said sighing. "I cannot offer any help. I may know of something that may help though, a 'self-help' tape, I believe they are called." She said making her sister bristle.

"A self-help tape? Why don't you just get a copy of me and send her in? Really Luna, do you honestly believe I am that desperate?" She said narrowing her eyes.

"You are asking your little sister for rutting tips, yes, I do believe you are desperate enough." Luna said. "Sister, go to the library, I am sure they might have something of use."

"The library?" She said incredulously. "They have self-help tapes about sex there? Where anypony can pick them up? Don't we have any here or in your room?"

"Yes sister, I have self-help tapes in my room for how to bed a stallion." She said. "I am sorry, but the only option if you are so embarrassed by it is to either send for one or disguise yourself and get it."

"Luna, these walls are thin, a normal pony would eventually start talking and then the chaos would start." She said. "As for a disguise, you should know by now that we can only do simple forms. Layers on ourselves. I'll have to do this myself. And you still haven't answered my question, can anypony pick them up?"

"Not anypony," Luna said rolling her eyes. "Just as long as they show proof of having condoms or if they're a grown mare."

Celestia's jaw was hanging over as she kept hearing the first part of the sentence going through her mind. Holding back a gag, she sighed and looked out through a window in the hall towards the city below. Glancing in the direction her sister went, she frowned and snorted before glancing the other way for guards. Seeing none, she teleported to the other side and spread her wings.

Feeling the wind on her bare wings was enough to bring a smile to her face, just being outside by herself was good enough. The sudden rush of the cold mountain air against her body was enough to douse the flames on her cheeks, and help clear her mind as she gently dived towards the city as it quickly approached.

Circling around a corner, she landed in an alley. Peeking out from a corner, she saw the nobles strolling about, passing vendors with upturned noses and even a griffon with a missing leg holding a sign saying he needed money to return home. She frowned at the ponies as they passed, not even sparing a glance at him. Lighting her horn, her personal saddle bag appeared on her. Stepping out, the nobles immediately bowed and were about to greet her while she quietly pushed passed them to get to the griffon.

He looked up at her with a few greying feathers and a par of aged, yellow eyes. Looking around at the nobles as they were staring at the two, he sighed and glared back at them.

"For your trouble, sir," she said reaching into her bag and pulling out a small fairly sized bag which she set at his good foot. "Have a good day, and hopefully, a good night later."

"Bless you your highness," he said as she trotted away. "Kids are gonna be happy later. Finally get to get back to the old country for the holidays."

She smiled as the nobles were doing a double-take at the scene. That smile vanished as soon as she saw one particular noble making his way in her direction. Even from her position and the roar of the city, she could clearly hear the coltish whine burned into her head.

"Aunt Celestia!" Blueblood said, giving that sour smile as he always did when he wanted something. "How lovely to see you today. Where are your guards? Lost? I would not be surprised, those incompetent fools." He said shaking his head.

"What do you want this time Blueblood?" She asked making him flinch. "I have personal matters to attend to, just as I am sure you still need to file the restraining order against the element bearers."

"Auntie," he said putting a hoof to his chest. "Why would you ever think I would ask something of you? I cannot just say a greeting to family?"

"With you, yes," she said feeling eons of practiced calm crumble. "So I will ask you again; what is it?"

"I was merely going to ask you if I could join you and auntie Luna for the holiday. I've decided my staff is horrible company, and merely want to get on my good side. That's all."

"I will have to ask my sister." She said. "Now, go away. I had move quite a few meetings so I could have this day to myself."

He nodded and bled back into the crowd. Watching him go, she craned her head up to look over the buildings. Spotting her target, she frowned as she approached.

Looking around at the other buildings, she wilted as she saw the large pillars and red banner on the front of the library. Going to the steps, she looked up at the doors and immediately her face flushed, heating up like before. She was sure others were staring at her, but she merely bit her lower lip as she started up the steps, each hooffall feeling as heavy as lead.

Stopping at the doors, she grabbed the handle to the one with the enter sign above it, and pulled it open with enough force a bit of wind rushed at her. Holding back a sneeze, she stepped in and looked around.

Shelves of a blackened wood were full of books, tables with lanterns had an assortment of chairs around them, a kids area by the entrance, an area with a glass case holding a few valuable books, and an upstairs where she could see the tops of shelves.

Seeing an old, brown stallion with a pair of wire-frame glasses sitting at the main counter, she hurried over as quietly as she could. As soon as she came near, he raised a wrinkled eye while he frowned.

"I know why you're here," he said, making her stop dead in her tracks. "She told me."

Celestia felt her face heat up even more as her legs began to shake, numerous angry thoughts about her sister were streaming through her mind.

"Your Thanksgiving for vegetarians book is here, just let me get it." He said making her stop shaking. "You are Princess Twilight Sparkle, right? No, hold on a second," he took off his glasses, rubbed the lenses a few times and then put them back on. "Oh, Princess Celestia, sorry, I've been a bit tired lately. Late night readers coming in all the time."

"I-It's quite fine, really.." She said letting her voice return before speaking again. "I'm actually here to know if you have any self-help tapes."

"Self-help?" He said wrinkling his muzzle. "You an alcoholic? Heck, I wouldn't blame you if you were. I'd probably be in a coma if I was you for a day." He snorted. "Let me check to see if Margaret knoows, she should know if we have any."

As he got up, she winced as she heard what had to have been almost every joint in him pop. Going behind a corner to the right, he muttered a few things and a griffon came back. She looked at the alicorn and rubbed her temples with a talon.

"What kind are you looking for?" She asked.

Celestia felt her cheeks heat up again as her earlier conversation came back. "It's personal. Something I would not care to talk about."

"Alright, I got it." She said stepping out. "Go upstairs, head to the very back and go left. You'll see a glass case with some tapes. Take the ones you need and come back here. If you need any assistance, come back here and ask me."

As the griffon left, Celestia looked at the spiral stair case leading to the second level. Quickly going up, she made her way through the older shelves that housed even older books. Just down one she could see the far wall, a few ponies milling about, and Discord walking to the right of her vision.

She froze, her jaw feeling as if it would come unhinged if she didn't close it. Gulping, she crept around multiple shelves until she could see a glass case. Going to the end of the final row, she peeked out and saw him on the other side looking at another case. Glancing at the ones in front of her, she looked them over, and narrowed her eyes at the author of each one.

"Luna. You suggested this to torture me, I know you did." She muttered picking one out. "Pleasing your stallion," she read. "Me and her will be having a serious talk about what she does in her free time. Much less how she knows how to do this."

As she passed the shelves again, she saw Discord still by the same tapes, only now he was holding a few of them. Shaking her head, she made her way down the stair case and to the desk where the griffon was waiting.

"Alright, dear," she said pulling the tape over. "Please state your age, name, and address."

"M-My age?" Celestia nervously laughed. "Is that really necessary? Surely, you know I'm old enough to rent this, right?"

"I apologize for any discomfort, but it's the policy. No pony, griffon, minotaur, diamond dog, dragon, or whatever came in before you is allowed to break it."

"That 'thing' is my coltfriend," Celestia said hotly making the griffon flinch. "And my age is... Four-thousand five-hundred and three. My name is Celestia and I live in Canterlot Castle. Now, may I have my tape?"

"Yes, just let me get the player for it." She said reaching under the counter. "Here we are, an old casset player. I hope you and him can benefit from this. We have enough complaints as it is about these. You know, with ponies unwinding them and all and messing with the tape itself."

Celestia nodded before sticking the tape in the player and putting it into her saddle bag and quickly hurrying out. As she was, Discord was making his way down the stairs, a bag full of tapes in his paw.

Smells like turkey with a dash of absolute terror

Celestia took the player out of her saddle bag and set it on her bed. Climbing on, she got comfortable and was about to put the headphones on when she remembered who would be speaking. Gritting her teeth, she got up and teleported to her sisters room where she would flip the lunar alicorn out of bed by uplifting the mattress.

As she disappeared, a white flash filled the room and Discord stood there, grinning with a bag in his paw. Looking around, he tugged on his beard until his mischievous little eyes stopped on the player on Celestia's bed. Floating over, he popped it open and took the tap out to examine.

"Nice color," he remarked before putting it in his bag. "How about I stir things up? Oh, but what should I use?" He muttered as he rummaged through the other tapes. "Ah, cooking for griffons: How to prepare a turkey. Oh, and it's even by her sister. I remember helping with this," he smiled in before he turned green. "That poor bird. Even if it was already dead." He said putting his tape in and teleporting away.

Celestia came back, a befuddled expression on her face as she got back on her bed. Putting the headphones on, she pressed play and closed her eyes as her sisters voice came into focus.

"Today, we will be learning how to start the fire within our bird. A large male to be exact," Luna said. "Quite a good sized one should do it for your ravenous listeners."

"A role playing tape?" Celestia said to herself. "This should be interesting."

"First, you must put on your apron," she could hear her sister tying something by the sound of ruffling feathers. "Now, lay the bird on a flat surface, clean him with a rough touch to get any foreign pieces off."

"He does like it when I nibble on his right ear," she giggled. "I'll make sure to get both and give him an extra kiss."

"Once you are done with the cleaning," Luna said. "Reach in and pull out the goods, which we will use later for our special gravy."

"I think I like where this is going." Celestia smiled. "Still, it's very strange to hear my sister saying this. At least she isn't being blunt with it."

"Once you have emptied him, wash yourself and him off before wrapping him in either foil or plastic; I have heard plastic works best to keep in the flavor, so we will use the heat resistant brand I have with me. Now, before we wrap him up, so to speak, we must put on the seasoning and butter so he will not dry up. make sure to cover him in the following spices: pepper, paprika, salt, garlic powder, nutmeg and then add the oil. Exact measurements do not matter, just as long as you are comfortable with it."

"Strange, but she knows what she's doing." Celestia muttered to herself. "I doubt he will mind very much."

"Now, take your baster, if you have one, and insert it through the top of the neck and pour in your stuffing."

"A... Horn job?" She said pausing the tape. "I can already tell this is going to be remarkable." She giggled as a few memories came back from the earlier times they were alone. Pushing play, the tape continued.

"Once you are finished, wrap him up and stick him on the ovens lower bars, add a few more pieces of log to the fire, not anything else or that will dry him up."

"The oven?" She said pausing it. "What is in this?" She asked herself opening the player. "A cooking guide? I'm not sure if I should feel insulted or shocked." Looking at it, she narrowed her eyes as she remembered what Discord had done the year before. Making the food come alive and ruining everything but desert. "Lets see how long it takes for you to stop this joke, dear."

She pressed play and could hardly hear the tape over the sound of her teeth grinding.

"Once he is in, wait an hour, depending his size it may take more, but after it has passed, take him out and enjoy! Thank you for listening to-"

Celestia threw off her headphones, grinning with a faint blush on her cheeks and a mind full of revenge as she went to the kitchen.

Two Hours Later. The Dining hall.

Luna sat at the table, her head resting on her fore-hooves as her stomach growled. Looking to the side, she could see the shadow of her sister on the floor as she moved around in the kitchen.

"Prancing," she whispered. "She's prancing while wearing that ridiculous outfit." She said. "She truly is as mad as Discord said she was."

"Mad? When did I say that?"

She flinched and looked up to see him standing on the ceiling. She rolled her eyes as he simply dripped off and puddled next to her.

"Get off the floor," she said. "My sister said she has a surprise for you in the kitchen. Now go so I may get my meal before the night."

He raised an eyebrow at her before smirking as he saw Celestia at the kitchen doors, giving him a sultry look while wearing a small apron. She winked at him and went back in, he slid across the floor to her and gave Luna a mock salute before entering.

"If I find a hair in my food," Luna mumbled. "I'll cook both of them just as I did that turkey."

One Hour And Twelve Minutes Later

Luna was about to leave when she heard a crash, her sister yelling something, but it was hard to hear through the wall and wooden doors. As she turned towards the kitchen entrance, Discord, or something like him, came running out, yelling.

"Discord?" She said making him stop, and it was him. "What happened?"

"I don't know," he said looking down at his light-brown body. "We were you know, she was rubbing some blend of spices and butter, she said it was to feel good, and then we went at it some more, and then she threw me in the oven!" He said. "It's just like-I put in your guide to cook a turkey!" He said slapping his flaky talon against his face.

"She had that tape?" Luna asked as her sister stepped out. "Celestia, explain to me why you tried to cook Discord like a turkey!"

"I would like him to explain why he switched my tape." She retorted.

"Oh, you knew?" He said nervously. "And you still cooked me to perfection?"

"Yes I knew," she said. "I was wondering why you crawled in the oven though. Hadn't you figured out that your little joke had backfired?"

"A good prank is not fully done without devotion." He said giving a bow. "But, why did you cook me? You could have just stopped and yelled at me instead."

"I thought it was justified after the little stunt you pulled last year." She said making them all shiver. "You're lucky I only cooked you."

"I understand her actions, Discord," Luna said interrupting the two. "What I still do not understand is why you changed the tapes?"

"I thought it was ridiculous," he said. "Why would she need a tape explaining how to have sex? We've been doing it for two weeks at the most. So, I improvised. Truth be told, I don't mind this outcome much." He said licking his fingers. "I've got to resist eating myself though."

"Since you two have made a mess of the kitchen, and I will be getting no diner, do either of you have anything to say for yourselves?" She said glaring at her sister as she shook her head.

"Two things," Discord said said. "Yes, I changed the tape and this is my fault." He said making Celestia roll her eyes. "Don't roll your eyes, I'm the one who got cooked."

"And the second?" Luna asked watching the nub of his tail swish around.

"I taste delicious." He remarked before chewing on his cloven leg.

"He does taste delicious, in more ways than one." Celestia said giggling as he sister blanched.

"I am thankful I have not eaten yet." She said scowling as Discord attempted to eat his tail. "Why can we never have a normal holiday celebration?"

Author's Note

If this has actually happened... My god. I hope he at least tasted delicious afterwards.