Malideus

by Uberdeathninja

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Sex, Random, Adventure, Human, Anthro
Length: 216852

A normal teenager (who's an anti-brony, by the way) gets sent from a costume party to Equestria, and shenanigans ensue.

After going to that stupid costume party, a teenager named Chris wakes to find himself in a magical world of anthropomorphic ponies. Well, this world seems real enough, and he is dressed as a terrifying, evil wizard, so why not have some fun? Well, after making the wrong impression, Chris, now wanted under the moniker "Malideus", is now running for his life from four vengeful princesses, The Elements of Harmony, a dragon, and every one else who wants a piece of "Malideus". With the whole world out to get him, and no actual powers to speak of, what can Chris do to save himself? Getting his hands on some actual magic would be a start, but using it might take some practice.

Published 2013-11-29 11:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-02 20:40:38 UTC

Ch.2: It all catches up

I didn't see who or what they were, as they kept their distance. But, I did know they were there, and I didn't like it.

"Who's out there? Show yourself!" I cried, but they never did. Oh well. I had other things to worry about. Like, for instance, I had just come down from my autopilot mode, and was now freaking out. I was in an alien world, with no food, no help, and no way out. To make things more bleak, I now had a virtual goddess and her lackeys after me, and she seemed like the kind of person that tattles, so I should include the big cheese herself, Celestia, I think it was, to my list of apocalyptic problems.

"You're going to die! Take off the costume and ask for help!" My inner voice cried.

"What, and walk around naked? I'd rather die with dignity, thank you." I told it.

"Better naked than dead, you half wit!" My inner voice retorted. I was done arguing with my conscious at that point, so I shut it out.

"I just need a way to defend myself from these ponies, and I'm solid. But where am I going to get magic?" I asked myself, and my situation seemed more and more bleak as I thought. But I had to do something, even if it wasn't something I was proud of. I needed a demon. I tried to think of how I could summon something as powerful as that, but nothing came to mind short of sacrificing a goat to Satan, and that included selling my soul, which I needed, to him. I started freaking out and hyperventilating and all that panicking stuff that people do when they get terrified out of their wits, when I suddenly remembered a helpful bit of useful knowledge: Twilight owned a library! If safe demon-summoning rituals were anywhere, they had to be there. So, I gathered myself and attempted to set out for the library, but I didn't make it very far before I was beset by something big: A slender, violet-scaled dragon, with red stripes running along its length, and an air of immeasurable malice about it. I tried to panic, but my autopilot kicked in at that moment, and I readied my staff. I had no idea how a giant stick was going to save me from five tons of scales and reptile flesh, but I figured that if I was going to die, I was going to do so looking like a badass. However, the dragon paid no mind to my display, just smiled smugly, like I was some kind of toy that came to life and rebelled against its master.

"Stay away from me, you overgrown iguana!" I shouted at the dragon, but, or rather, she, by her voice, just laughed.

"Well, You've quite a mouth on you. Guess the rumors of your ill temper were an understatement." The dragon said, lowering herself into a more relaxed pose.

"Rumors? I just got here." I said. Indeed, I figured that there would be rumors of my bad attitude and general brutality, but I never expected them to spread so damn fast. Then, I realized: I went off on Pinkie Pie. Of course something like that was going to get around.

"I suppose..." I sighed.

"So I guess you're going to kill me and return my body for some kind of ransom, then?" I asked.

"I thought about it at first... But then I had a realization: I fancy myself a collector of sorts, mostly of rare things. And then I thought... My hoard could use a protector of sorts. And what better to protect my stash than a wizard who can stand up to and injure a princess of Equestria?" The dragon said thoughtfully, and I gulped internally.

"So? What are you going to do? Hang me up like some kind of ornament?" I asked.

"Of course not! I just thought we could work something out, you and me. I need someone to just be around my cave, make sure no one steals anything, and you need someone to keep you away from the princesses. Plus, it'd be nice to have some company." She replied with a sly smile. I didn't like the way this conversation was going, and I needed a way to defend myself before a princess showed up to destroy me. So, I did the one thing I was renowned for: Bluffing.

"You do realize that if the princesses find out about me being in your lair, they're going to destroy you too, right?" I bluffed. The dragon seemed to comprehend this, but waived the thought off.

"I see your point, but I can keep a secret quite well. What happens in my lair, stays in my lair. Well, most things..." The dragon replied shyly. This clearly wasn't working, and I still had no way to protect myself. For a split second, I thought of taking the dragon on her offer, but I quickly dismissed the thought. After all, It doesn't sound like a lot of a life to be stuck in a cave as some kind of ornament. However, I regained the thought, and devised a cunning plan. If dragons were as smart as I thought they were, this plan would work brilliantly. Unfortunately, I forgot to take their tenacity into account, but that's later. Now, I had this great plan, and I quickly jumped on it:

"Alright, I'll go. It's got to be better than sittin' in this forest for the rest of my life." I said, shrugging.

"Really, just like that? No demands, or threats, or running away?" She asked.

"Nope. I need protection, and a dragon always seems like a suitable candidate, especially one as powerful and intimidating as yourself." I half-lied. True, she was big and intimidating, but all dragons are. Besides, the best way to a lady's heart is through flattery, no matter their species. You just have to find the right words to use, which is why I'm so good at it. Females are so easy to manipulate, especially the younger ones.

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." She said, blushing, and batting her eyes at my compliment as her red stripes seemed to brighten. I felt like vomiting, not because the gesture disgusted me; she wasn't the most hideous thing I'd ever seen, after all, but because I felt a horrible dread that this was going to fail horribly. Though she was young, she was still a dragon, and I was still a petty human being. However, I had to keep a straight face as she picked me up and carried me back to her lair. Did I mention that I HATE being manhandled? It's demeaning. But, I really had no other choice. It was either sit around and wait to get eaten or obliterated, or spend some time as a treasure-sitter. The choice, I think, was obvious. I just wish I didn't have to be held like some kind of doll. Anyway, so we arrive at the lair in about a minute, or maybe more. I honestly wasn't paying attention. Anyways, I reach the dragons lair, and I'm pretty dumbstruck. I've never seen a pile of shining gold stuff and gems as big as the one I bore witness to, and likely wouldn't again for a while.

"Well, here's my lair. I know, it's kind of pitiful, but I'm working on it..." The dragon said shyly. So insecure. This was going to be too easy.

"It's not that bad. I haven't seen many hoards big as yours." I said, causing her to blush again. "By the way, you've never told me your name." I said, trying to appeal to my "captor" by seeming to care.

"My name..? Eh, It's kinda stupid..." She replied.

"It can't possibly be the worst name I've heard today. Just tell me." I said. I meant it, too. Pony names are fucking ridiculous. Why do people watch this damn show?!

"Well, if you insist... It's Mizzietta." The dragon replied timidly. Honestly, it was the most normal-sounding name I'd ever heard today, and I told her that.

"That's the most normal name I've heard today. Actually, It's pretty cool. Why do you hate it?" I asked. Then, I learned why I hate talking to girls: They go off like bombs.

"Because it's just crazy! They could have named me something normal, like Mia, or Naia, or even Jewel, but I had to get the crazy name!" Mizzietta went off, leaving me forced to listen to her life story, which I dozed off through half of.

"...And another thing, I am not my mother! She was a horrible beast, and the only one I could trust was my uncle Bolas! Why did he have to be able to travel dimensions while I got stuck in this hellhole with people I don't even like? It's not fair! And then there's my brothers, who are all even worse! I swear, It's like no one understands." Mizzietta ranted. I was tempted to make a snide remark, but I had to remember that I was only human, and she was a giant, fire-breathing dragon. So, I just went with it.

"Yeah, I totally understand." I lied. I didn't really understand anything she said, but I was not going to hear the details of her insanity. All I got was that she hated her name, and her mom, and I caught some giblets of the dreaded "Daddy Issues". But still, the answer satisfied her. In fact, it seemed to shock her.

"You... Understand?" She asked, as if the concept was completely foreign to her. I then remembered hearing her talk about not having many friends because one of her brothers kept driving them off. I will tell you right now, I don't feel bad for anyone, not even my own family most times. But after hearing Mizzy's story, I actually felt my cold, black heart twinge a little when she asked that.

"Yeah, I'm not exactly a spotlight child, either. Hell, I'm surprised I even had friends. Ah, well." I said.

"I see..." she said, eyeing me curiously, which kind of freaked me out a little. Then she got up, and walked over to her hoard.

"Well, you see the cave, and you know your way around it." She said, still eyeing me uncomfortably.

"Why do you need me here, if you can just lay on your hoard? You can't possibly have any problems here." I told her, looking around.

"Well, I may not have been entirely truthful with you, Malideus..." Mizzietta said cautiously, as if she was afraid of me. I almost laughed at that, but I had to stifle it and act tough, because I was likely not going to like her explanation.

"What do you mean, wyrm? Explain yourself!" I demanded in my bad-guy voice. Surprisingly enough, she seemed scared of me. Anyway, back to the story.

"I just... I wanted to speak with you. I heard about your powers, and I need someone to help me." Mizzietta said, shuffling nervously. I hate doing things for people, I really do, but I had a really bad feeling that her uncle Bolas wouldn't be as afraid of me as she was, So I reluctantly agreed to do it... Whatever "it" was.

"Alright, but you could have just told me in the forest." I replied.

"No, I couldn't. Listen, This is why I dragged you here to tell you: There's a town nearby, called Ponyville. You should have heard of it, because I heard you've been there before." She said. At that exact moment, my heart fell to the deepest recesses of my stomach, and I froze up faster than a 30-year-old computer trying to run Skyrim.

"No! I'm not going back there! Eh, I mean, I can't, because... I have a perfectly valid reason." I told her. In honesty, it was indeed a valid reason: If I went back there, I was going to die, painfully. However, Mizzietta looked so downtrodden, that i actually felt bad for her, which scared me... a lot.

"Well, I did have this reward I was going to give to whoever did this favor..." Mizzy said sadly, holding up a red-gemmed amulet that looked vaguely like an alicorn.

"What is that?" I asked.

"This? Just the Alicorn Amulet. Picked it up from a raid two weeks ago. I didn't need it, so I figured..." Her lament was interrupted by my thoughts at that moment. She didn't need it, but I did, and badly. So badly, in fact, that my dumb, tired brain decided to make me accept the quest.

"Wait! I meant to say, uh, I won't go back without payment up front! I'm very precise. Give me the amulet, and it's a deal." I said. Mizzy looked at me with a very confused look, and shook her head, smiling smugly.

"Nope. First you have to do the task, then you get paid. That's how this works." She said. I, however, was terrified. She was doing this for one reason: She knew I wasn't as powerful as I let on. What else did she know? As thoughts of what she figured out filled my head, I began to panic badly.

"You dare..." I stammered, but Mizzietta only laughed.

"I guess you've figured it out then, huh? Not as great and mighty as others think, huh?" Mizzietta taunted.

"Yeah, I figured it out when you told me you understood what I was saying. That sounded too understanding for such an evil, powerful wizard. You're a great talker, boy, but you're a terrible liar. I just needed the right proof. And now, I have it. Tell me, "Malideus", are you even a pony under that getup?" Mizzietta asked.

"...Fine, you got me. I'm not a wizard, and I'm not a pony." I then removed my helmet to prove my point, and Mizzietta's smile grew wider. "So why keep me around, then? You know I'm a fraud, why not roast me already?" I demanded, accepting any fate laid before me. I was many things, but a coward was not one of them. However, Mizzy had other plans.

"I'm not going to kill you for two reasons. One, I understand that you really hate ponies. I do, too. Two, I like you. You talk pretty good for a kid. You had me going for a while, and that takes skill. And call me weird, but I think you're pretty cute. However, you are right. Why would I need you if you're not a wizard?" Mizzietta asked rhetorically.

"Well, It's simple: I need you. That artifact I was talking about was real. It's a necklace my uncle gave me, and it's really powerful, and even more important. However, it's also really protected. Only someone smaller than, but just as intimidating as me could ever hope to retrieve it... If you catch my drift." She explained. And after hearing that plan, I couldn't help but feel the utmost respect for this dragon. Yeah, I could have done without the "you're cute" part, but I really liked the plan.

"And if I die?" I asked. Mizzietta laughed.

"I promise, I won't let that happen, cutie." She replied, and I began to feel really, really uncomfortable around her. Like, I could shrug it off before, but I couldn't anymore.

"And if I refuse?" I asked, crossing my arms. Suddenly, as if in response, the dragon presses me against the ground with her claws, and puts her face really close to mine.

"Well, if you refuse, You're still too rare to let go, and I'd hate to see you get killed out there..." Mizzietta began, and I think I lost feeling in my face due to how much blood was rushing to it.

"Point taken. I'll go ahead and head out right now." I said, trying to escape the big horny lizard that now had me pinned to the ground.

"What, now? At this hour of the night? You might need your rest..." Mizzietta asked sultrily, getting slowly closer to me. First off, let me say, I was not, in ANY way, turned on by this. Plus, there were several things wrong with this scenario: One, interspecies intercourse does NOT suit well with me. Two, I was NOT okay with being an eternal sex toy for some giant lizard with mommy issues, and three, the most important reason, it was going to be five tons of scales and reptile flesh on one 135-pound human. I could forsee several ways that could end, and none of them were pleasant. Those things in mind, I try weaseling:

"I don't need rest! Besides, night is the perfect time to sneak in and steal something. Everyone will be sleeping!" I more pleaded than explained. However, Mizzy was having none of it.

"You're not very stealthy." She shot down that answer with extreme prejudice, leading me to believe that she didn't even want her necklace. Still, I had to try.

"I'll get the fucking necklace for you, just let me go!" I finally pleaded. Mizzietta seemed oblivious at first, but then seemed to ponder, tapping a claw on her chin, then she smiled.

"Alright. Get me the necklace, then return here for your reward. However, if you flake... Well, let's just say you won't be feeling those legs of yours for a while, or anything below your waist, for that matter." She said, and then she let me go.

As I climbed down the mountain the cave was in, I started to wonder if this was going to be a regular thing. Then, as I reached the bottom, I put my helmet back on, and headed off. Thankfully, I have infallible recall, so I (barely) made it back to the edge of the forest closest to Ponyville. God, I hate that name. Apparently, on account of a note Mizzy sent me off with (which had WAAAY too many X's and O's on the bottom for my comfort), the necklace was in a clothier in the market district. I figured it would be easy enough, except I had a sinking felling on account of the fact that one of the Mane 6 runs a clothier. Praying to whatever god (or goddess) that would listen that this wasn't the same one, I trudged on toward the town. Thankfully, it was still night, so I had no trouble getting into the town on account of my black robes. However, finding the clothier had to have been the most grueling, time-consuming task it had ever been my misfortune to undertake, but I managed to find it, and with moonlight still at my disposal. Using my clawed gauntlets, I unlocked the door, and slid inside, leaving my metal boots at the door. I slid throughout the shop like a shadow, looking through drawers for the necklace, which supposedly looked like a pair of horns with an oval between the tips. I looked, but could find no such amulet. Suddenly, though, I hear a noise behind me, and I turn, in all my robed, armored glory, towards the source: A small child. Or so I think. As I look at the terrified kid, I notice that she's a pony, too, which gets my blood boiling. However, we both stand in silence for a solid minute, but then the rug rat decides to run upstairs, so I move like a bolt of lightning in front of her, pick the kid up, and hold her mouth shut, keeping her ear close to my face so I can make my demands:

"Listen, kid, and listen good. You're going to stay quiet, or I'm going to slit your throat. I'm here for one thing, and you're going to tell me where it is, now. Comprende`?" I whisper viciously. The kid nodded vigorously, tears streaming down her face, then I set her down.

"Now, runt, I want you to help me find all the necklaces in this house and bring them to me. Now." I told her, and the kid ran upstairs, rummaging through drawers, while I searched the various rooms, until I came across one last one. At that moment, however, The kid comes running up to me with all these necklaces, none of them the one I was looking for. Feeling very disappointed, I hold my hand to my helmeted face, sighing.

"Am I going to die?" The kid asks, terrified out of her wits, and I sigh again.

"Not if you're out of my sight in ten seconds..." I groan, and the kid runs off to her room, locking the door. That done, I gently open the last door... And see something that causes my heart to drop. Sleeping in the bed in that room was none other than the Element of Generosity herself. Silently cursing whichever god (or goddess) that caused this to happen, I slowly crept to the nightstand beside the bed. Carefully, oh so carefully, I opened the nightstand drawer as silently as possible, not making a single squeak as I pulled it out. As soon as it was open, I looked inside, and saw a little jewelry box. I slowly take the box out, taking extreme caution not to disturb its contents, and open it ever so slowly, and carefully, and peer inside. When I did, I almost jumped for joy, but refrained, for what lay inside was the very amulet I was looking for. I then take the amulet out, careful not to disturb the other rings and necklaces it rested upon, then carefully put the box back, shut the drawer, and tried to get out, but then someone gasped loudly behind me, and I froze in place, hoping that would make me invisible. Unfortunately, it did not, and Rarity got out of bed, taking an offensive stance as she addressed me:

"Stop right there, thief! Who are you, and what have you taken from me? Answer now, or I'll-" Her annoying speech was interrupted mid-sentence when I turned around, revealing my helmet and gauntlets to the pony. As soon as she saw the helmet, I swear she almost fainted, stumbling, before grabbing the bed and stammering in terror.

"You...You're that wizard... The one... Twilight..." She didn't finish before fainting.

"That was easy." I said, then I turned, and ran out the door as fast as I could, grabbing my boots and putting them on, then I bolted again. I ran quickly, but I tripped over my robe, and fell into the ground, which caused a ruckus that woke everyone, judging by the lights that went on. Cursing my luck, I continue my sprint, but someone tackles me, and I fall again. Now let me tell you, I'm getting pretty tired of falling, so I turn to punch whoever tackled me, and I see that it's Rarity! She must have recovered and decided to stall me, and now she was clinging to my legs while I struggled to get rid of her.

"Fucking heroes..." I mutter before turning and grabbing her hair in an attempt to pull her off. Thankfully (and predictably), she grabs her hair in an effort to save it, and releases me. As soon as she does, I get up, grab the interloping bitch by the throat, and lift her off her feet. It wasn't hard, since she was surprisingly light, but she started screaming, causing me to grasp my helmet with my spare hand, and then she starts kicking. If it was a normal person, I would have been able to take it like a champ, because feet can only be so hard. But no, these pests had fucking horse legs, complete with hooves, and each kick was like getting hit with a baseball bat at terminal velocity. So, naturally, I throw her aside, and run as fast as I can. I run, but I'm suddenly surrounded by four ponies: Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, and an orange one with a cowboy hat I'd never seen before, but I'm pretty sure was Applejack. Either way, I was trapped. However, that didn't stop me from acting badder than I really was.

"What is this foolishness? How did you four gather so quickly?!" I asked in my commonly-used evil voice.

"That doesn't matter now! Now we have you, and you're going to face justice like any other criminal!" Princess Twilight said, causing my blood to boil.

"My affairs in this fetid town do not concern you, Princess! Stand aside, or risk destruction!" I said as boldly as I could.

"Oh yeah? You and what army, wizard?" Applejack asks, and I feel like punching someone. However, I restrain myself, and I simply respond:

"I need no army, inbred. I only need this." I say, pulling out the necklace I stole from Rarity, and everyone gasps.

"H-how did you..?" Rarity asks.

"It doesn't matter! He's bluffing. He doesn't know how to use it!" Twilight exclaims.

"Don't I?" I ask, holding the amulet as if about to put it on.

"Oh, gosh, he's gonna do it!" Pinkie exclaimed, terrified.

"He's gotta be pullin' somethin'." Applejack said hastily.

"As I said, worms, my business here is none of your concern. If you value your lives and the lives of those who live in this town, you'll step aside." I demanded. In reality, I didn't want to put the thing on, for fear that I might explode or something, but it was clearly scaring them, so I threatened to do so. And finally, Twilight steps aside.

"Wise choice, pest." I say, acting like I knew she would do that. However, I was actually very, very relieved. At first, I felt that she might call my bluff, but I'm just too good for that... or so I thought.

"NOW!" Twilight shouts, and I'm suddenly hyper-tackled by a cyan blur, and both me and my assailant land in a tree, and I let go of the amulet.

"No!" I cry, pushing the prismatic-maned pony aside, and grabbing the amulet. However, I clearly dive at the right time, because while I was falling, a beam of magic flies over me, turning the tree to stone.

"No! Get him!" Twilight cries, casting another spell, but I dodge that one, too, sidestepping to the right as the bolt wizzes by me. Then, I kick into autopilot again. Pinkie tries to block my way, so I spin past her, causing her to fall over, then I shove Applejack to the side, into Rainbow Dash, who was trying to blindside me, and then move swiftly up to Rarity, who's stunned by the performance I just pulled (and frankly, so am I), and I headbutt her, knocking her down. Finally, I reach Twilight, and put her in a headlock, my metal claws placed dangerously close to her neck. Meanwhile, The sun is rising. Why's that important? We'll get to that later. But now, I'm enjoying a great victory, while Twilight is struggling in my grasp, and her friends don't dare to move, lest I tear their friend's neck open.

"You fiend! Release her!" Rarity demands, and everyone agrees.

"Why, pray tell? So you can lock me up or turn me to stone? I think not." I say grimly. I've had it up to the tip of the horns of my helmet with these five, plus the yellow one that wasn't showing up, and I was going to take this chance to get as far away from these freaks as possible.

"Now, You four had best stand aside, before I pave the road with your friend's blood." I say, and they do exactly as I say.

"Alright, go, just don't hurt her!" Pinkie Pie says, causing me to laugh.

"As you wish." I say, throwing the purple nuisance at them and running while they were disoriented. I ran, ran as fast as I could, and I went into the forest without a second thought, toward the cave where Mizzietta lives. But remember when I said the sun rising was important? Well, I was running, and I turn my head for some reason, but the sun gets in my eyes, blinding me, and I flail blindly into a tree. As if that wasn't bad enough, I ricochet off of the tree, and back into something tall and soft, still cursing and yelling while rubbing my eyes. As soon as my vision clears substantially, I look to what I bumped into... And immediately wished I'd kept walking.

"Hello, Malideus. We meet at last." Said this tall, white mare in a flowing rainbow dress, and she sounded like she really didn't want to see me, even though she was the one following me.

"Eh, do I know you?" I said, still a bit disoriented.

"You should. I am princess Celestia, after all. Now, care to tell me why you've been terrorizing my citizens and injuring a former student of mine?" Celestia said, glaring. I kind of did a nervous laugh in response.

"Not really. See, it's a long story, and I've got someone to see." I said nervously, turning to bolt again. However, Something snagged my robe, stopping me in my tracks. I turn around, and see Celestia has grabbed the back of my robes, and was holding her face.

"Listen to me, Malideus. I don't know where you get off acting like... This, but it ends here. You are coming with me, and facing trial. Now, remove your helmet and come with me, before I just turn you to stone." Celestia demanded, shooting me a death glare. My mind was racing faster than it could process. I was terrified, but my fear was too great to show, so I just stood there, frozen. Then, autopilot kicks in, and does what it always does: Makes things worse.

"As much as I'd love to go with you to face my doom, Celestia, I'm afraid I cannot. Many apologies." I say, and Celestia's glare turns into a more bemused, tired look.

"And why ever not?" She asked. Then, autopilot went straight to worsening my already-bad situation:

"Because you'll need to see a dentist soon about your chipped tooth." I say, and before Celestia could ask why, I break my staff across her face, sending her recoiling away from me, and I bolt away, in the direction of the ruins. If anywhere could hide me, it was there. As soon as I reached the ruins, I hid in a partially intact building, wondering what kind of hell Malideus just got me into.

Ch.3: Malideus fights the system, man!

Alright, so here I am in this busted-up fortress, with at least two virtual goddesses out for my blood. Things can't seem to get worse, right? Well, I sure felt pretty safe in here. Why? I don't know. What I do know is that Celestia is still up there, trying to wait me out. I can hear her calling and taunting, but what good does that do? Any smart person would run away from all that noise, but she must think I'm either dumb or egotistical. Well, she's wrong on both counts. So there I wait, for what likely seems like hours. A while in, though, she stops making noise. I stop and listen, though there isn't much to hear, and peek at the entrance. It's the middle of the day, but nothing's moving. So, I poke my head out. Still, there was nothing. So, I take my first, hesitant steps outside. I step outside, and, by some grace of god, nothing shoots, tackles, or hunts me.

"Alright, I think she gave up." I say, wondering why someone as tenacious-looking as Celestia would give up the hunt so easily. Then suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, a white beam misses my leg by inches. I hear loud cursing behind me, but I don't turn to see who it is; I already know. Instead, I skip straight to running, and I almost make it to the entrance to wherever I was hiding, but a bolt of magic hits my polished gauntlet, reflecting off of it, but knocking me on my ass. Worse yet, The bolt lands smack-dab into none other than Celestia herself, turning her white ass to stone before I can say "Oh, shit!". So yes, Here I am, knocked down, but feeling fine, except I just insulted, assaulted, and petrified this omnipotent leader of pony world or whatever.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap..." I pant as I run to the lawn ornament that once was a princess. "Oh, CRAP." I say finally, unable to believe my position. If anyone found this, they were going to probably blame me.

"It could be alright..." I try to reason, but all was hopeless. An important character has been stoned, and I had to get out of that place, lest her sister or something come and vaporize me, or worse. But I did not run, like I should have, but instead, I walked up to the statue, tapping it on the shoulder a few times.

"Oh, hell, she really IS stone! Oh, this isn't good, this isn't good... How the fuck am I going to pull this off..." Then, a brilliant idea pops into my head: I return her! The plan was simple: I drag her back to wherever she came from, I say someone else did it, and then they stop hunting me down like game! My plan was absolutely genius!... Except that it wasn't because I'm a moron.

"Gah, I just wanted to enjoy a party, not get sucked into this!" I then take off my helmet, looking at it.

"This is all your fault!" I yell, throwing the helmet into the ground. Looking around, I was completely alone, save for Celestia, who wasn't very good company at the moment. Then, I thought of something: I was one step closer to gaining magic of my own. Maybe if I depetrified Celestia, she wouldn't obliterate me. However, She had to see Malideus do it, or it would fail. Let me tell you, I think my hole is deep enough, and I don't want this on the bottom. Seeing no point in telling Celestia to wait there, I pick up my helmet and then make the return to Mizzietta's lair. I reach it by sundown, and prepare to make the exchange.

"Yo, Mizzy, you home? I brought your necklace!" I shout. However, No one seems to be home. Suddenly, I get this really icky feeling up my spine, like I know something bad has happened or is going to happen. I notice that there are scorch marks and scratches along the walls and floor, and it looks bad. Then, I see something else: The Alicorn Amulet, lying on the ground. I knew then and there that something happened to Mizzietta, and her uncle Bolas wasn't gonna be able to bail her out of this one. On one hand, I now had the key to ultimate power, and whatever happened to her was not my concern. On the other hand, however, I kept getting this sinking feeling that I might at at least owe her her own necklace first.

"Ugh, this guilty conscious thing is going to be the death of me..." I say, picking up the amulet and walking back to where I left the princess of the sun, which probably took me an hour thanks to the fucking darkness. Seriously, I hate the woods at night. As I approach the area, I look around until I see the alabaster statue of Celestia. Then, I walk up to it, and look at the amulet. In all my experience with RPGs, I figure all I have to do is put it on, But how will I know if it works? Or, more importantly, is it going to be painful? Putting my helmet back on, I proceed to eye the amulet suspiciously. Did it even work on humans, or was I going to explode if I wore it? I was really tempted at that point to just hide in a cave and forget this crazy world, but my inner voice, ever the white knight, made me put it on. Besides, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? So I put the amulet on, and I flinch, thinking that I'm going to explode, or transform, or some other horrible thing, but nothing happens. I look around, then at myself, and I don't feel any different.

"Ah, dammit." I say simply. "Well, I guess it doesn't work, might as well take it... off?" I said, trying to remove the piece of jewelry, but it wouldn't budge. The thing just stuck to my neck like it was welded on.

"Come on, it's cursed? What the hell, god?" I asked. I was so furious at that point, I felt like my mind was going to explode, and I stomped the ground with so much force, I almost break my foot. Then, a colossal spire of rock thrusts up from the ground, sending drops of molten rock here and there, and big chunks of earth everywhere. I flew backwards in shock, then looked at my feet, then at my hands, and put on the widest grin I had in years. If this meant what I thought it meant, I was going to have so much fun in the next 24 hours. Seeing this as an opportunity to get some answers about the whereabouts of Mizzietta, I turned to Petrified Celestia, and prodded the rock, willing it to be flesh again. Well, part of it. As Celestia's head unpetrified, She gasped, then looked around bewilderedly, and finally set her glare on me.

"You! What have you done? Release me this instant!" She demanded, struggling. It was at that moment that my inner bad guy swelled, demanding release, but I had to be civil if I wanted any answers.

"I think not, princess." I hissed, pacing around the princess of the sun. "You see, I'd much like not to be obliterated, and I find myself needing answers." I finished, stopping right in front of her, trying to look as intimidating as possible.

"You'll get nothing from me, you coward. I won't betray anything to the likes of you." Celestia retorted unhelpfully, but I ignored her.

"Oh, but you will help, for I have a friend who's been taken, and I believe you know something about it." I said, chuckling evilly. Oh, this was so much fun! Who knew being evil could feel so good?

"If you're talking about the dragon, I'm not telling you her whereabouts. She will face trial for aiding you, and she will be executed." Celestia replied, making me quite unhappy.

"Well, then, if you will not be of any assistance, then maybe your student will." I said, preparing to encase her head in stone again.

"You will not harm one more hair on her mane! I will not allow it!" Celestia demanded, struggling harder against her stone prison. Call me twisted, but I laughed at the pathetic display.

"Really, now? Then stop me. Smite me right where I stand if you wish to save your precious student." I taunted. Celestia grimaced, turned a bright shade of red, then calmed down.

"You won't defeat her. Not this time. You may have incapacitated me, but you won't get that liberty again." Celestia said coldly, giving me a death glare that would likely have actually killed me if I was regular me. However, I maintained my composure, and simply continued my little game.

"Is that so? Well, allow me to relieve you of that delusion." I said, tapping her head. Celestia flinched, but then she seemed to realize that the stone was fading away, not building up. Soon, she fell over, completely free of her stone prison. Then she looked at me, completely and utterly confused.

"What..? What is this? What are you doing, wizard?" Celestia asked, glaring down at me.

"Perhaps I forgot to depetrify your brain. I have freed you, princess. Now, I can have the satisfaction of crushing you, again, and again, and again, until I tire of you." I said to her, and she seems to get real pissed at that.

"Not this time, Malideus." She said, casting a spell at me. I dodged it quite nimbly, surprising both Celestia and myself, then cast a spell of my own that froze her hands and horn in chunks of ice.

"Ready to tell me where Mizzietta is now, Princess?" I asked, ready to finish her.

"Why... Why are you doing this..? What have we ever done to you?" Celestia pleaded. I thought on this for a second, stunned by the question. True, I hated these ponies, but why? Then I thought of something else: Why not?

"A simple question deserves a simple answer, my dear: I do this because I hate you. All of you." I said truthfully. "Now, I must ask you once more: Where. Is. Mizzietta?" I asked, ready to end her if she defied me further.

"Canterlot... Dungeons. But you'll never reach her. The others will stop you. You will fail." Celestia said. I just chuckled at it as if it were a joke.

"We shall see, princess." I said, placing my hand around her neck and squeezing, but lightly so I didn't strangle her. "Now, sleep." I said, and an eerie blue glow came from my hand, and Celestia passed out within seconds.

"Now, let's go visit your sister." I said, dragging her along with me. Did I ever tell you how much I love this amulet? Anyway, so I now am dragging this sleeping goddess toward Ponyville right now, because I have no clue where Canterlot is. But hey, gotta start somewhere, right? So I drag this sap toward Ponyville, and the reactions I get when I arrive make me so happy, I blush. Everywhere, people are gathering, gasping and pointing at Celestia's unconscious body, and then turning their fearful gazes to me, and my amulet. Yeah, It's a really cool amulet, and everyone seems to know that. However, I suddenly get a bad, icky feeling up my spine again, that feeling like something bad is going to happen. And sure enough, here come five of the Mane 6: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. However, one was standing behind the others, shaking like a leaf. The girl wore a long yellow dress, had a pink mane, and looked ready to piss herself at any second. I'm guessing this one was Fluttershy.

"Well, I see they brought me the welcoming committee. What, no gift basket?" I taunted.

"Malideus, This is it for you!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, pointing at me.

"Yeah! We're gonna beat you all kinds o' red now, ya varmint!" Applejack threatened.

"Your road ends here, wizard! Surrender peacefully, or risk defeat at our hands!" Rarity said, making me gag just hearing it.

"Yeah! What they said!" Said Pinkie finally. However, Fluttershy just stood there, still shaking and whimpering as she eyed the unconscious body of Celestia. I, however, laughed harder than I ever had before, causing the five to back up.

"You idiots think you can stop me? I am Malideus, the Scourge Eternal! I have power, skill, and sufficient armor on my side! You girls have nothing!" I ranted. Yeah, it was a pretty cliche' speech, but it did its job: The five mares in front of me got pretty flustered over it.

"We don't have nothing! We got-" Rainbow Dash began, but I interrupted her.

"You have what? The "Magic of Friendship"?" I mocked, waving my hands like I was scared.

"You don't know what you're up against, friend. I suggest you just surrender before you get hurt." Applejack threatened.

"Ha ha ha ha... No." I said, waving my hand in a sweeping motion, causing a gale-force wind to knock the five away from me. As I tried to walk past them, the cyan one gets up and tries to punch me, but I catch her fist, then I freeze her in a solid chunk of ice. On that note, three others charge me (Fluttershy stayed down like a good little pony), and I react accordingly: Rarity tries to kick me, so I grab her leg. Applejack goes and tries to lasso me, so I swing Rarity into the lasso, grabbing it, and then I pull the redneck into my waiting fist using the rope. I think I've won by that point, but Pinkie Pie appears out of nowhere and latches to my back, punching my helmet with little visible effect, except that it's annoying the fuck out of me. So, I grab her hand, then loose an entire thunderstorm into her body, sending her to the ground in smoke. She coughs once, twitches, then gives up. Unfortunate that it didn't kill her. Then, I look to where Fluttershy was, and she's gone! I look around for her, but then someone puts their arms around by neck in an effort to choke me, and kicks my legs out from under me, pulling my arms behind my back and sitting on me so I don't get up. I look at my attacker and see the last thing I expected: Fluttershy. However, I still had one ace left.

"I'm going to teach you a thing or two about hurting my friends..." Fluttershy threatened.

"No, I don't think so. GOBLADA!" I shout, and a giant, black, stone blade erupts from the ground behind me, stabbing Fluttershy through the abdomen, intentionally missing all vital organs. I didn't want to kill her, after all... yet. As the blade retreats back into the ground, Fluttershy grasps the wound, gasping for air. She then falls off of my back, still trying to hold her guts in. I then get up, the absolute victor. I then walk over to Fluttershy, who was barely alive, and use a flame spell to cauterize her wound. Then, I pick her up by her neck, and begin the questioning:

"Where is Twilight?" I ask her.

"Not here... In... In the c... castle..." Fluttershy gasps, coughing up some blood.

"Which Direction is it?" I ask, and she points to the north, along the train tracks. I then drop the half-dead mare, and walk to the station, leaving the five to their fates.

As I approach the station Celestia in tow, everyone clears out and flees for their lives. I then boarded the train as it took off, hopefully toward Canterlot. So, now it gets funny. I'm sitting here, in this train, and everyone's looking at me like I'm a terrorist. Hell, I see ponies out the corner of my vision slowly going for emergency hammers so they can break the windows if I decide to start smiting. Which I guess I might, kind of, except I have no intention of blowing the train up. After all, I kinda need it to save someone. Hmph. Save. Not a particularly villainous word. But, there it is. Finally, after a good three hours, everyone piles off in a last-ditch effort to get as far away from me as possible. It works, but only because none of them are my target. I then hoist Celestia over my shoulder (Fuck, she weighs a lot!) and storm off, toward the castle, ready to face whoever stood in my way. Well, almost. I wasn't too keen on facing off with Luna, but I could handle anyone or anything else. Besides, I was only here for one person: Mizzietta. So, I walked on, Towards the great, big, towering castle in the middle of the city.

I must admit, I was vastly impressed with the size of the city. The architecture was classic, and everything looked really nice and tidy and peaches-and-cream happy. Too bad I have to level it all. Anyways, on with the story. I was walking along my merry way, when I see the main gate to the castle. As soon as I touch it however, the gate opens, revealing a whole metric fuck-ton of guards, all with swords and spears ready. I'm not scared of them or anything, but I'm kind of trying to save a "friend" of mine, so I have to hurry.

"Oh, crap, Why not just throw me on the pavement and throw a steamroller on me?!" I ask to no one in particular. Then, the guards zerg rush me, trying to crush me with their weight. However, I foresaw this from a mile away, and readied the perfect spell for this occasion:

"How hopeless. PYROCLASM!!!" I shout, thrusting my fist into the air. As soon as I did, a colossal pillar of magma, fire and ash at least 100 feet in diameter erupted from the ground, clouding the sky with ash and sulfur and vaporizing the rush of guards. As I walk by, I see one intact helmet.

"Silly guards. Zerg rush is not a legitimate tactic." I said before crushing the helmet. Then, I continue onward, toward my goal. Then, The following happens: I walk up to the door, I blast it down, and I walk inside. It's a pretty nice place, too white for my tastes, but very clean. Then, I proceed down some stairs, and after THREE FUCKING HOURS of fruitless exploration, I finally see my goal: A big, cast-iron door that looked particularly dungeony. I'm almost tempted to just leave on account of the work it took to find this door. Seriously, the halls seemed to go nowhere! However, I powered through, and stepped into the dungeon. It was perfect: Dank, dark, infested with rats, this was a good dungeon. However, I was not here to sightsee, I was here for the dragon. However, a guard sees me, and I think I have to kill him, too, but then he drops his weapons and throws me his keys before I can even say hi. So, the guard bails, and I search for Mizzy. Finally, I come across this big steel door, and decide that this has to be it. So, I open the door... And there she is, easy as that.

"Maly, you came back for me. How sweet." She said happily. I was okay with the happiness, but I was here for one thing.

"Here's your necklace." I say, tossing it to her.

"You remembered this? You're just full of surprises." Mizzietta noted, putting the necklace on. Suddenly, she shrunk down to about my height, and somehow obtained a very womanly figure in the process... Not that I was looking, of course. Anyway, she was out of her chains, and I was ready to leave. However, I then hear Mizzietta say something that caused me to facepalm:

"Hey, who's that over your shoulder?" She asks, and then I realize that I'm still carrying Celestia! I facepalm, hard, due to the fact that I forgot all about her, and I explain my plan: I was going to use Celestia as a hostage while we escaped.

"Very clever, but have you been carrying her all day?" Mizzy asks, and I engage my best poker face, which was double effective since it was hidden behind a helmet.

"No..." I say, and Mizzy just laughs. Seriously, how does this chick see through every one of my poker faces? Anywho, we then get out of the dungeon, and enter the main hall, but I notice a lot of guards are flowing in through the front door, so I tell Mizzy to go ahead.

"Are you sure? I can fight them, too." Mizzy asked, clearly concerned for me. However, I tended to stay away from emotional relationships, so her concern was unwarranted.

"No, I've killed a brajillion of these guys in five seconds. You just get out of here, I'll fight my way out. Mix things up a little." I said, putting Celestia down, so she won't hinder me, And removing my helmet because it was sweltering in that stupid castle, and I hate helmet hair.

"Oh, I see you found the Amulet yourself?" She asks.

"Yep. Now unless there are any goodbyes, I suggest you g-" Was all I could say, for then, Mizzietta catches me off guard, pulling me close and, well, I don't really want to talk about how I got french-kissed by a dragon. (her snout was short, but it was still weird!) Anyway, I'm dazed, Mizzy takes off, and guards are coming up the stairs to kill me.

"Alright, fuckers..." I said evilly, materializing balls of lighting and fire in my hands.

"... Let's get this ball started."

Author's Note

Dun dun
DUUUUUUN!!!!!

Ch.4: The Temporary Fall of Malideus

And so, here we are. My moment of truth. Today, I go from one-shot villain to... well... whatever comes after that. Moving on! It was all quiet. No one stirred, save my heart as I anticipated every move of every soldier in the army below me. As I stood upon the balcony, I made sure my helmet was straight and tidy. The crowd below me waited for me to move, to make a sound, to do anything, but they waited too long. I raised my arm into the air, and the soldiers didn't even have time to scream before I disintegrated every last one of them with a single Pyroclasm. I simply amaze myself sometimes with this Amulet. However, I sometimes get the feeling that it's making things way too easy. Even I have standards, you know. But still, I have to get by somehow. Meanwhile, while I'm roasting guards, I start thinkin': Maybe I need a challenge. Yeah, that's it! A nice, bloody fight to the finish, to really make my life, you know, bearable. Before I know it though, all the guards are gone, turned to dust in the wind... except there's no wind, so it's dust in my eyes and mouth. Anyway, so I use some magic to blow the soldier dust out the door and into the streets so I can breathe. But still, I can't help but wonder if I really want this... and then I slap myself mentally for being such an emo. I'm not sad, I'm just bored. However, just as I descend the stairs and get close to the main doors, they shut on me, which causes my blood pressure to spike dangerously. Then I turn around and see the last pony I ever hoped to ever see again: Twilight. She stood atop the balcony, glaring down at me, like she owned the country or something. However, I refuse to put up with the purple nuisance any longer.

"Twilight! You must be a bigger fool than I thought, coming in and raising my blood pressure!" I shout, but she remains oddly silent as she descends the steps herself, then gets into a combat stance.

"You're one to talk, Malideus. First you come to Equestria, then you assault me, and my friends, and then you try to kill one of our leaders. Why are you being such a jerk? What have we ever done to you?" Twilight asked, causing me to think back to when I incapacitated Celestia. She asked that same question, and my answer was still the same:

"You were born." I hissed, preparing to destroy the pest that now questioned my motives. I cast a massive ball of fire and electricity at her, but she dispelled it without even blinking.

"Wha-?! How'd you..?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"You think I don't know what you're using? The Alicorn Amulet is powerful, but it has its weaknesses." Twilight said, and my anger just kept growing. I didn't have a response, so I just skip to my secret weapon.

"I'll show you weakness!" I shouted, stomping the floor and causing massive spires to erupt from it. Twilight dodges them as they come, twisting and diving away from them. However, she got careless on the last one, and it almost tore off her right wing. She screamed in pain as the spire cut past her, then retreated into the ground with all the rest.

"Heal that wound, you pest!" I shouted. I feel great. I feel powerful. Now, I feel like finishing this, once and for all.

"Goblada!" I shouted, causing black, stone blades to thrust from the floor at her, but none of them struck her, because she kept fucking dodging. At that moment, I felt like every video game boss ever. All my attacks, she just kept avoiding them. Until, that is, she broke one of the stone blades off of the ground, and kicked it at me. I couldn't put up a shield fast enough, so I dodged.

"'Goblada'? What the heck does that even mean?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, it just sounds cool. Wait, why am I even talking to you?" I demand, pulling one of the blades and using it like a full-blown sword. Then, I charged Twilight, and she jumped, attempting to go over me. However, I anticipated this, and swung my sword overhead, catching her in the middle. The blade, however, was too blunt to cut her in half, unfortunately, but it put her on the ground long enough for me to grab her neck, and bring her to my face.

"So, princess, is that it? No fancy spells, or disappearing acts?" I asked smugly. Twilight said nothing, just hung there, limp.

"Well? Answer me!" I yelled, punching her in the face. Twilight spit out a tooth, but still said nothing.

"No words? Fine by me. I'm going to gut you slowly, and make you beg for death! You have opposed me for the last time you-" My speech was cut short by the sound of metal falling to the ground. I looked down in horror, and I saw something that almost made me pass out from fear. On the ground, in pieces, lay the Alicorn Amulet.

"H-how..." I sputtered, dropping Twilight on her back. Suddenly, I no longer felt like Malideus. I was just Chris now. Boring, powerless, royally-fucked Chris. I picked up the gem that once sat in the amulet, and stared at Twilight, who was still on her back, and smiling, which would have been funny since she was missing a tooth. However, I wasn't laughing. I was terrified. As I held the gem in my hand, I started to panic. And the first thing I do when I panic, is I start asking stupid rhetorical questions.

"What... What did you do..?" I stuttered, feeling the weight of my loss of my only hope of surviving in this world crush me.

"I broke it." Twilight replied weakly. "I made sure nopony would ever suffer your cruelty again. Now, you are powerless." She explained, tightening my sense of dread. I decided that my best course of action was to run, but as soon as I turned around, I saw Celestia herself hovering over me, looking quite pleased with herself. Why? I didn't want to find out. With my magic gone, I could only stand hopelessly as the two princesses closed in on me like a pair of jaws. Then, phase two of my epic panic kicked in: I started running. I ran from between the two as fast as my legs would carry me.

"Feet, don't fail me now!" I wheezed as I sped down a random hall. I hated running. When I was Malideus, I didn't need to run; they would run from me. But now? Now the roles were reversed: I was the little fish again. Suddenly, loud footsteps interrupt my thoughts, and I found myself running from two vengeful princesses. I couldn't run from them in their own castle, and I couldn't hide on account of my armor, and I was still too proud to go naked. However, I still was a great talker. So, I stopped, and turned around, still clutching the stone blade I pulled from the ground. Soon enough, Twilight and Celestia appear, and they don't even look winded.

"It's over, Malideus. Give up, or I'll find something worse than turning you into a statue." Celestia demanded. I, however did not budge. Instead, I drew the giant stone blade, and pointed it at her.

"Take one more step, whore, and I will rend you to pieces!" I threatened. However, the princesses just laughed.

"You're powerless now, remember?" Twilight laughed.

"Oh? Then cast a spell on me, any spell. I will make you regret every second of it." I threatened. Twilight chuckled, but Celestia held her back.

"Be careful. He's got some kind of trick to reflect magic. We may have to use caution." Celestia said, and I laughed evilly as I could.

"What's the matter, princess, scared of little old me? After all, I am powerless, you said so yourself!" I taunted, causing Twilight to get defensive. However, she did not retaliate, she just slowly approached me like one would a wounded animal.

"Malideus, we don't want to hurt you, we just want to t- gak!" Before Twilight could finish, I grabbed her, fast as lightning, and pulled the same thing as last time: Claws to her throat, between me and my assailant, and I held my sword out at Celestia for dramatic effect. And who says you can't learn anything from action films? Anyway, my plan worked, because Celestia was freaking out.

"Unhand her this instant!" Celestia demanded.

"No! I will not! I will slay her right here, unless you do something for me." I said menacingly. Celestia grimaced, glaring daggers at me, but ultimately yielded. Treachery for the win!

"W-What do you want..?" she stammered.

"I want out. Stand aside, or Celestia 2.0 gets it." I said simply. In reality, I didn't want to kill her, because that would just create more problems than I needed. However, I soon feel really hot, and I smell something burning. I look at my robes and captive, and the bitch is on fire, literally! Panicking, I shove Twilight, who has now extinguished, back into Celestia, causing them both to fall over. Meanwhile, I'm trying to put out my robes by running around like a headless chicken, and I start grabbing drapes and knocking over pedestals, and Celestia starts laughing at me like a bitch.

"I told you you wouldn't beat Twilight so easil-wagh!" she cries as I blindly flail into her, and trip onto her. Now, this part gets REALLY embarrassing, so skip past it if you have any problems with what will come next.

So, moving on, I trip over her, fall, still on fire, and I have to put my hands out to save me, despite my armor. Damn my cat-like reflexes... Anyway, so, I fall on top of her, arms outstretched, and I land on top of the bitch... and guess where my hands land? Right on her boobs. So I'm laying there, wondering why I feel so awkward, when I look and see that both princesses are now staring at me, and blushing, especially Celestia, who looks beet-red. I then look down, and I get flustered, and then we all just sit there like fucking stoners, staring at each other, while I'm burning. Then, what ruins this oh-so-intimate moment, you ask? Well, thanks to me sitting there like a retard, Celestia has caught fire now, too, and now we're both up and running around like we've lost our bloody minds. Meanwhile, Twilight's panicking, trying to put Celestia out, but she ignores me, that bitch!

Anyway, I decide to run out down the hall to get some accidental revenge by rushing past, and inevitably setting on fire, the various furniture, tapestries and curtains, then I run into a random room, which was, thankfully, a bathroom with a bathtub. Ignoring my inhibitions about it being a girl's bathroom, seeing as I had more immediate matters to attend to, I turn the water on, hastily remove my robe, leaving me in my underwear (What? those robes were sweltering, even when they weren't on fire!), then, I douse them, causing steam to go everywhere. However, my helmet, gauntlets and boots are still on, so I look pretty, well, I guess ridiculous is an understatement. Moving on, I am standing in there, in my underpants, and wearing the extremities of my armor. Then, Celestia, bursts in, and I attempt to cover myself with my now-sopping robes.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! Didn't your parents teach you to fuckin' knock!?!?" I scream, and she turns the reddest I've seen her yet, and puts her arm to her eyes, trying to get out of there. Then, Twilight comes in.

"Celestia! Did you catch hi- What the..?!?!" Twilight cries, reeling back in shock, and I, in my most brilliant display of diplomacy to date, slap the shit out of her, sending her into the wall, and I slam the door, locking it. Then, all is silent for a few minutes, and I hear them walking away, murmuring about forgetting something. Then, I put on my robe and try to get out, but then someone tries the door I locked.

"Hello? Is anyone in there?" asks a female voice on the other side. Quickly, I start to think fast. I had some leftover pocket sand (why I never used it is beyond me), so I start thinking I can blind this dumb Dora and make my escape, though my skill set is clearly in the parameters of throwing pocket sand, and the dousing of my robes has left me with unusable pocket mud. Nonetheless, I have to try something, so I unlock the door, and quickly get into the tub, pulling the curtains in front of me as to obscure myself. Then I hear the door open, and someone walks in. I peek past the curtains, and it's the one pony I never, ever, not for the rest of my life wanted to see: Princess Luna, and she's looking straight at the bathtub. First, though, she looks around, as if she expected someone to be in here, and after a fruitless search, she shrugs, closes the door, and, while I'm looking, removes her royal garb, leaving herself stark naked, and my nose, quite literally, starts to bleed profusely, and I have to hide my face behind the curtain again. But then, I start to have one of my famous panic attacks. It's obvious that when someone gets butt-naked in the bathroom, they're going to do one of two things: take a shower, or whack off, and Luna didn't have a porn magazine on her, so that kinda narrowed it down. So, I begin my panic session: I hyperventilate, I shake, but I seem to be stuck on that part, because my body refuses to do anything else. Then, just as she touches the curtain, I burst out, screaming, tearing the curtain down, and flailing around the bathroom like I just snorted bath salts, just so I can find the door, which I can't because there's a curtain all over me. Luna, however, screams at the top of her lungs, trying to cover herself, and tries to kill me with the downed curtain rack. Then, I start swinging my fists in a blind panic, trip, and accidentally push her into the tub, while I find the door, ditch the curtain, and flee for my pitiful life. I make it as far as the main entrance, but it's locked.

"Oh, fuck me..." I mutter, not expecting (or wanting) anyone to hear.

"We'll see." Says this female voice behind me. I look, and it's Celestia. Fuck, she gets around fast!

"Stay away from me, you glorified nag!" I stutter, trying and failing to sound intimidating. Clearly, autopilot took off long ago, and left me to die at the hands of these god-damned ponies.

"I think not. You have been enough of a nuisance, and now I'm going to make you suffer for everything you've done, Malideus." she says. Then, I decide I've had enough. I've always been a great talker, but there was one thing I was so vastly incredible at, that I had to save the skill as a last resort lest it hurt my pride from its sheer effectiveness. That last, incredible skill... was bargaining. So, I stood tall, inhaled, preparing myself for my ultimate ace in the hole. Then, I dropped to my knees, and started bawling my eyes out.

"Okay, you win, you win! Just let me go, I'll do anything! I'll clean the dungeons, I'll give massages, I'll spit-polish the castle every day, just don't kill me!" I'll admit, it took a lot out of my personal pride to do this, but I (almost) got caught peeping, got caught in my underwear by two girls, pony or not, and got set on fire all in the same day. I think my pride grew wings and flew out the window a long time ago, so I might as well utilize every strategy available to me to survive, seeing as I'm no longer OP as fuck. At least Celestia seems to consider it, but quickly strikes my pleas down.

"You threatened my citizens, assaulted Princess Twilight Sparkle four different times, assaulted ME, then tried to kill off my guard, and now you expect me to forgive you? How stupid do you think I am?" she asks.

"It wasn't my fault! It was the amulet! It made me... wait, did you just say "tried to kill off your guards"?" I ask, and Celestia just smiles at me.

"Of course, did you really think I'd put my soldiers to death over the one wizard that even I could not beat? I knew you would destroy them, so I simply had them teleported at the first sign of disaster, like when you cast that spell, what was it now, 'Pyroclasm'? To quote you when you first met my former pupil: 'Such naivete. You will make an excellent slave'." She responded, and I gulped, loud.

"C-can I just have the death sentence?" I ask, fed up with living in such an unfair world.

"Nope. As you also said, 'I'll do anything', which means you are going to pay for the damage you have caused, starting with turning me to stone." Celestia said smugly, picking me up by my collar. Again, I hate being manhandled, so I instinctively struggled, but I almost knocked my helmet off in doing so, so I stop and attempt to readjust it. This action seems to catch her attention, and she lets me know.

"You seem quite attached to that helmet of yours, Malideus. Care to explain why?" Celestia asks, giving me the same unnerving look Mizzietta did when she found out that I wasn't really a wizard.

"I don't see why I have to..." I reply, holding my helmet to my head.

"Because you agreed to do anything I asked in exchange for your life. And now, I want to know what you are." she asks, catching me off guard.

"What do you mean?! I'm... not that interesting... I suppose... Just put me down!" I snap, resisting the urge to claw her face off.

"Oh, I beg to differ. You claim to be an all-powerful wizard from another dimension, yet you cower before me as soon as you lose your greatest weapon. I'm beginning to think that you're not what you led me to believe. In fact, I'm beginning to doubt that your name is even Malideus." Celestia explains, and I feel absolutely defeated. No, I am absolutely defeated. I have no choice but to hang my head, and wonder when she'll tire of me. Then, my inner voice kicks in:

"Told you so." it says, but I ignore it, and remain silent.

"Your silence says it all. You are no wizard, you're probably not even a pony. Now, I think a public defacing is in order for your crimes, but first, I must know: Why go to all this trouble in the first place?" Celestia asks, and I respond:

"You may humiliate me, Celestia, and you can cast stones and words while I live, but I'll die sometime. Then all you and your pathetic, disgusting kin will be able to do is glare at my grave and think angry thoughts about how I, Malideus, came mere inches away from bringing your whole civilization to its knees. Then, I'll be the one laughing, even if I do end up burning in Hell. I may deserve it, but you do too." I say, resisting the urge to take off my helmet and spit on her. Then, she glares, and gives me a really creepy smile.

"We will see about that. But now, it is time to see what you really look like beneath that helmet." She says, and she tries to remove my helmet, but I grasp it firmly, keeping it on.

"Let go! I have to see your face!" Celestia demands.

"No!" I declare, keeping my hands on the helmet like it was the most important thing in the world. We struggle for a little bit, and she ends up putting me down, just so she can pry the helmet off with both her hands. However, I maintain my grip, and she finally slips, sending me crashing into the main door. Somehow, the lock came undone when I crashed into it, and it opened, giving me the perfect opportunity to escape.

"Don't you dare, I mean it. Don't you dare step foot out that door." Celestia demands, but I was never one to obey authority.

"Sorry, babe, but slavery just isn't my thing. Maybe next time, though." I say, and I bolt out the door, as Celestia is trying to get a lock on me for some crazy, nasty-looking spell. Nonetheless, I shove through the crowd, but I soon don't have to, because they part as soon as they see who I am. Soon enough, I make it to the train, which is about to depart. Unfortunately, Celestia is right behind me. So I leap onto the caboose of the train, but an explosion, likely thanks to Celestia, knocks me back, almost off of the train. But I get up, and I use my action movie expertise to get her to the one place I know I'll win: The top of the train. I climb up the ladder, but as soon as reach the top, the train takes off, causing me to stumble, and Celestia takes the opportunity to try and petrify me or something, but I'm in my element: I can take this bitch! So without a word, I step away from the edge, and run up the train, to the front. Celestia, however, stops right in front of me, and I stop. But then I jump down, onto a balcony on one car, and go inside the train. Sure enough, Celestia chases me, making this victory all the sweeter. I go out of the train, onto the joint connecting the two cars I'm between, and I crawl to the front of it, so I don't get stuck with Celestia. Speak of the devil, there the white bitch is, and she looks pissed. However, her look of rage soon turns into one of horror as she realizes my plan. Making a desperate bid, she tries to leap for me, but it's too late: I pull the bolt, and she falls short, missing me by centimeters. No matter, she still missed, and I still laughed. That is, until I notice the car's not getting farther away. Instead, I look down, and she's holding the cars together!!! But she's too focused on that, so I let my inner villain have his last hurrah: I walk up to her, nice and calm and definitely with a swagger, and I stand over her, and she's forced to look up at me. Oh, this was going to be fun!

"Malideus... This is your last chance... Give up... Or I will hunt you down like game until you die or are captured!" Celestia demanded, and I puffed up, feeling quite powerful, despite having no magic. In fact, maybe I didn't need any magic. All I had to do was hide, and I would forever be the one to have outsmarted two princesses in his whole stay. Oh yes, that was a legend I could live with!

"Sorry, Princess, but I'm afraid you've reached your stop. Next stop: Me winning!" I said, holding my hand to the side, like I'm preparing to backhand someone. Then, I extend my pinkie, so the next part become even more delicious: I then extend my arm, and pimp-slap Celestia so hard, the world goes in slow motion for a few seconds, just long enough for me to see the look on Celestia's face and enjoy every millisecond of it. Then, time returns to normal, and she lets go, falling off of the train and onto the rails, uncouncious. I then speed away from her, off toward, well, anywhere that wasn't around here. As soon as she and the previous cars vanish from my sight, I walk into the car, and everyone stops and gasps. I then sit in an empty seat, and kick my feet up. I didn't know where I was going, but it had to be better than Canterlot. And it was just my luck that this train would ever-so-coincidentally be headed for my "favorite" destination: Ponyville.

Ch.6: The temple of the crystal heart

As Mizzietta and I fly over the land to our destination, The Crystal Empire, The sun is high overhead, and there's not A cloud in the sky. I loved days like this when I was little, but I don't want to go into my past. The less you know, the better. Anyway, we are flying over the lands, and I eventually see this giant, bright, well, crystal empire! (What, did you expect an entire montage of how we got there?) Literally, everything was made of horrible, reflective crystals: the houses, the lights, even the ponies! No matter, though, at least the populace will be easier to subdue; all I have to do is smack them with a baseball bat or something. A few miles from the walls, Mizzietta drops down, and we begin to discuss battle plans.

"So, how do we do this, we storm the gates, or do you fly me to the castle?" I ask. Mizzieta then just walks up to the gates, and kicks both of them open, leaving me dumbstruck. For one, she just neglected any form of planning, which I did not expect (she always struck me as the calculating type), and then she just kicked down two giant, crystal gates without flinching. Needless to say, I'm pretty stunned.

"Well? Stop gawking and get in there. I'll cover you." Mizzietta says, jerking her thumb towards the city.

"What?" is my brilliant reply.

"Ugh, We're going in there and fucking shit up. What's so complicated about that? You get the heart, I cover you. It's a simple plan." Mizzietta explains.

"Unless your plans are to roast the ponies, who are made of fireproof crystal, by the way, or molest everyone to death, I don't see how you can be of much help." I say flatly.

"Oh, ha ha. You really think I'm that shallow?" She asks, and I give her a bored stare in return. Before I can say yes, Mizzy rudely interrupts me.

"Well, since you think me so weak, allow me to tell you that this amulet my uncle gave me is no ordinary bauble." She says, but I feel like challenging her claim, just for the hell of it. Besides, she lied to me once, why should I believe her a second time?

"Oh yeah? Prove it." I demand, and Mizzy gets pretty cross. Then, she opens her mouth, and a freakin' lightning bolt shoots out, almost hitting me and singing my robes, not to mention launching glassed dirt and earth everywhere and making my hair stand on end. Someone could have told me my helmet was highly conductive!!!

"Proof enough?" Mizzy asks, and I just nod, officially afraid of this crazy lizard.

"Good. Now, get going before the guards get here and trample you." She says, then takes off, landing on a building and acting dragon-ish, as was the plan. Meanwhile, I'm feeling really reluctant to go into that city, but I guess I have no choice: If she dies, her uncle's going to be pissed. And guess who he'll vent his frustration on? Anyway, so I rush into the door, picking up a big shard of the gate to use as a weapon. Then, the guards finally come, and there's a giant, mean-tempered dragon, and there's me. And who do they all charge at first? You guessed it; me. In seconds, I'm surrounded, and Mizzy's just blowing up civilians.

"Stand down and call your dragon off now, Malideus! We won't hesitate to kill you!" One says, and I don't feel particularly brave. However, I do feel like I can still win.

"Come on, guys, must you point sharp objects at me? Can't we just talk about this?" I ask, walking up to a guard, but they all get pretty irate at me for some reason.

"You can't talk your way out of this one, you monster! Call off your dragon, or we will kill you!" The guard says, pointing his sword at me.

"Oh, that's kind of a shame, because I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this." I say, secretly readying my makeshift weapon.

"Huh? Do wha- ACK!!!" the guard cries as I hit him across the head with my makeshift weapon, causing his head to blow into little crystal shards. Then, while the guards are disoriented, I sweep my leg under one closest to my left, move behind him, and lift him up, using him as a crystal meat shield.

"Alright, you crystal fucks, drop your blades, or your friend gets his head ripped off!" I yell, and the effect is instantaneous: The guards stop, drop their weapons, then back away slowly. Seeing that my reputation is still pristine here, I grab the captive guard's sword, shove him at his comrades, and run for my life, toward the castle. And, just as I thought, the guards gave chase, and were gaining on me.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" the leading guard shouts, and I honestly consider it, just to see them all crash just to try and stop. In fact, that's just what I do.

"As you wish." I say, and I come to an abrupt stop just as they're about to tackle me, sending them skidding and crashing into each other, and I laugh as the pile of guards writhes and struggles to get free of each other. Then, I make my break for the castle. However, I'm soon beset by more guards along the way, and I'm not exactly the athletic type. They chase me for a while, slowly catching up to me, and I feel my endurance waning. God, I hate running! But then, just as one guard ALMOST gets his hands around my robe, I hear a great, big explosion behind me, and I see crystal guard bits go everywhere as I turn around and see Mizzy throwing lightning at them. When all the guards are dead or incapacitated, Mizzy just smiles and calls out:

"You're welcome!" she shouts to me, to which I respond by flipping her the bird. Then, I try to run, but I'm exhausted from running, so I resort to speed walking to the castle. I make it after a while, but I'm so tired, I make the most anticlimactic entrance ever:

I open the door, and There's this one armored pony at the far end of the main room, facing away from me. Then, he turns, quite dramatically, and acknowledges my presence, gripping his shield and sword.

"Ha! I knew you'd show up here! Now, get ready to... Dude, are you okay?" the pony asks, dropping his stance after seeing me holding my gut and panting like I just ran a marathon, which I might as well have.

"I'm... Fine... Whew... I just... Just give me a moment..." I gasp, really out of breath. I hate exercise.

"I can, you know, wait if you want..." the pony says, but I put up my hand, and raise my sword.

"No, no, I'm fine." I say, popping my back.

"Now, pest, may I ask your name before I kill you?" I ask, my usual cockiness returning to me. Then, the pony returns to his stance, and answers.

"I am Shining Armor, husband of princess Cadence! I heard about your little incursion at Ponyville, and I'm NOT going to let that slide! Get ready to meet your end!" he says, and I laugh as confidently as possible.

"You think you can stop me?! In case you have not noticed, boy, I have a dragon outside, and I still outmatch you, even without her! Now drop your weapons, before this gets ugly." I say, twirling my newly-obtained sword for dramatic effect. Actually, I had no idea how to properly wield a sword, but I couldn't let him know that.

"I will! I'm gonna kick your butt all the way back to Tartarus!" Shining says, and I lower my sword, and grip my pocket sand, which has thankfully dried out.

"Then move closer, boy, so we can engage in glorious single combat!" I shout, my "evil voice" resonating throughout the room. Then, Shining laughs, and makes that stupid gesture where you wipe your thumb across your nose.

"Alright, bro! Since you asked so nicely, I might just go easy on you!" he calls, and then he charges me, but I'm not afraid, for I have pocket sand. He continues dashing to me, and I make no move. Finally, after a moment, he is finally upon me, sword raised, but I still make no move... at first. Then, when he is in mid-strike, I make my epic move:

"POCKET SAND, BITCH!" I yell, and before he can react, I fling my eroded payload into my assailant's eyes, causing him to falter, miss, and fall to the ground, crying out in pain from my granulated attack. At that moment, I feel almost as badass as Dale Gribble himself.

"Aagh, why did I fall for that!?!?" Shining cries, getting up, but still holding his face. Then, I elbow him in the back of the head, knocking him down, and kick his face, and he groans once before going out.

"That was for falling for the same exact trick as your sister, you dumbass!" I exclaim angrily, kicking him again. Then, Mizzietta comes in, shrinking down to my size again.

"Dude, I just killed, like, 300 guards. I need a break, man. Speaking of break, who's this guy?" she asks, inquisitively kicking Shining Armor.

"Just some asshole. Anyway, you said there'd be a crystal heart here. Where is it?" I ask, looking around.

"I dunno, Mal. Let's split up: You take downstairs, I'll take up." Mizzy explains, and I agree to it. After all, I hate towers, so I'm good with that. Heh, that's kinda funny, actually. An evil overlord, who hates towers? Can you imagine? Anyway, moving on.

"Alright. Meet back here as soon as we've searched?" I ask.

"You know it, cutie. Alright, let's get to work!" Mizzy exclaims with her usual endearing spunk, and off we go. I take downstairs, just like I agreed to, but something feels weird, kinda like I'm being followed. I look around, but there is nothing and no one anywhere, and I shrug it off, but the icky "something-bad's-gonna-happen" feeling slithers up my spine again, and I keep peering over my shoulder, since it only predicts bad things when they are going to happen to me. I had no worries about Mizzietta: that bitch could shoot lightning. I, however, had no defenses, so I had to keep constant vigilance, lest Shining's wife come looking for me. Oh crap, He said she was a princess, too, right?! Well, that warrants doubled alertness from me, and double speed.

So I run down the halls, knocking over anything and anyone in my way, and burst in through random doors I find, looking for any room that looked like it had a crystal heart in it. I come across a lot of guards in my way, but I strike them down with the sword I stole easily, but I still get this icky feeling like someone's following me, so I go into a random room, with the intention of hiding in it. But as soon as I look around the room, I find it looks, well, odd. I won't go into excessive details, but I noticed it was bigger, and darker. I look around, and great columns of pinkish crystal jut from the ground to the ceiling, making the room seem big and royal. I look to the other side of it, and I see what appears to be a crystal heart, which is exactly what I was looking for.

"Bingo, baby. Come to papa!" I say, but then stop. In all my experience in movies, video games and various roleplaying games, I've learned that nothing is as easy as it looks. I see there are no guards, so I draw two conclusions with my new-found evidence: Either these stupid pony-things need to work on security, or this room is booby trapped.

"Well, I am no booby!" I say, stepping carefully forward. Nothing happens, so I start checking around. I see no visible plates or tripwires, but I remember something: Crystals are notorious for lasers, and lasers can be invisible. I see no way these unadvanced creatures could use laser tripwires in anything, but I take no chances in anything anymore. I have depleted my usable pocket sand supplies for now, but I still have the finer, dust-like granules left. removing my gauntlet, I gripped the dust, and threw it into the air in front of me. And as the dust floated, holy hell, there were lasers! I think quickly, but seeing as how I'm not very flexible, I see no way past them.

"Well, might as well find out what they do..." I say, preparing to step into one. My robe gets in its way first, though, and the laser cuts it! Like, literally, burns right through the robe! I quickly jump back, and see my predicament.

"Holy shit, this shit's actually going to kill me!" I say, realizing my position. I can't get through without either skills, or...

"... A mirror..." I think aloud, looking at my polished gauntlets. I remember back to how they reflected light-based magic, so it was obvious that they could reflect lasers, too. To prove my theory, I put my gauntlet in front of the laser... And it works! The laser bounces off my gauntlet, and goes off into a random direction away from me. So with my dust and gauntlet, I dip, weave, and deflect my way to the crystal heart, until I finally make it to the end. Then, I take my time to inspect the heart. I don't see any traps tied to it, visible or not, so I tap it. The heart makes a pretty ringing sound that resonates throughout the chamber, but nothing really happens. So, I pick the heart off of the pedestal it rests on. Unfortunately, I did not take into account that the pedestal itself might have been a pressure trap, and I immediately regret my poor thinking skills as a giant boulder crashes down and starts to roll toward me.

"Where have I seen this before? Oh, right, everywhere!" I shout irritably as I run from the bolder, then jump to the left, holding up the crystal heart so it doesn't break, and letting the boulder roll past me, bumping into the lasers, cracking their lenses and rendering them unusable. Then, the boulder rolls into the door, breaking it open, then rolls back at me for round two. Unfortunately, I don't feel like going for another spat with this thing, so I run, dodge past the colossal rock, and run out the door, just as it lodges itself in the door itself, as if it was following me. Spooky. Anyway, I now have the heart, and Mizzy has to have searched all of the towers by now, so I make my way upstairs, hoping to catch her.

Finally, after an hour of walking and running, I finally reach the main floor, but I don't see Mizzy anywhere. In fact, I don't see anyone.

"Hello? Mizzy? Anyone?" I ask, looking around. However, I soon hear a voice:

"Malideus? I'm right here!" Mizzy says, appearing out of seemingly nowhere.

"Mizzy? I ask, wondering how she got down here so fast.

"Yeah, who else could it be? Hey, you found the heart! C'mon, hand it here and let's get out of here!" Mizziettta says, but there's something odd about her. I can't put my finger on it, put I get this feeling that I shouldn't give her the heart.

"I think I'll hold on to it. How did you even get down here so fast?" I ask.

"I got done upstairs, and I came back down. Now, are we getting out of here or not?" Mizzietta asks, and I get another icky feeling.

"I can't yet. I still have to rub it in Cadence's face! Man when she sees this..." I say, and Mizzietta seems to get impatient.

"Come on, you don't have the power to face her yet! Let's go, we can face her later. Let's get this heart in my collection and be done with it!" Mizzietta says impatiently. However, I notice something, and quickly become suspicious, so I start asking questions. I know something's up, and I think I know what, but I want to prove it first, in case I'm wrong.

"Woah, what's the rush, Mizzy?" I ask suspiciously. Luckily, 'Mizzy' doesn't catch on, and answers:

"I just want to be out before a whole army bears down on us! Come on, let's get out of here!" She says. However, I see a flaw: Mizzy never gets concerned for her own well-being. Plus, she's always perky and spunky about everything, even eminent danger and possible death. I'm getting warmer.

"What's the rush? If I use the heart, I'm sure to win. That is what you said, right?" I ask.

"Yeah, I did, but Cadence is more powerful than I thought! Even with the heart, you won't get past her! Come on, we should just go home." 'Mizzy' says, and I catch her again: Mizzietta never said I could use the heart to defeat Cadence, or even said anything about her in the first place! I think I have what I need, but I ask one more question, just to be safe.

"Alright, I suppose we can go, you big baby. Besides, aren't we having someone over at the cave?" I ask, almost shaking with anticipation.

"I don't think so..." The imposter says, and I catch her, grabbing her arm and bringing up my pimp hand.

"AHA!!! Three wrong answers in a row, bitch! Where's the real Mizzietta, you lying ho?" I ask fiercely, bringing her face closer to mine.

"Ahh! Wha-? I... Oh, darn. I thought I was doing so well..." The imposter says, and in a flash of green light, the imposter is gone, replaced by what looks like a pony, but with big bug-eyes, a chitinous shell, and holes at the end of her appendages... if it even WAS a 'her'...

"What are you? Start talking, before I squish you like the insect you are!" I demand, raising my pimp-hand in righteous anger.

"I'll talk! I'll talk! Just let me go!" the strange creature cries, tugging her arm from me to little avail.

"Then start, bitch. Why did you try to swindle my prize from me?" I ask.

"The queen wanted it! I think she said something about gaining power over all male minds using it, but I'm not sure, I just get the orders and do them!" she sobs, trying even harder to escape my grasp. I quickly grow tired of her attempts, and I loose the fury of my pimp hand upon the sniveling creature's face, stunning and silencing it. As she looks at me, fathomless terror in her bug-like eyes, I lower my hand.

"You're MY bitch now, imposter. Now start talking: what are you, and who sent you?" I ask simply, but threateningly. As if in a trance, the creature responds:

"I-I'm just a changeling... Queen Chrysalis wanted the heart, but I don't know why..." The changeling didn't even finish before I threw her to the ground.

"YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD FUCKIN' IDEA TO STEAL FROM ME!?" I scream at the cowering changeling, who now looks more likely to wet herself than answer me.

"I... I... I... I was just following orders..." The insect whimpers, before my inner white knight forces me to stop yelling. So I do, but I still slap the bitch again, causing her to yelp and fall over. I swear, my right hand must be magic.

"Not good enough! Do you know who I am!? Do you!?" I demand, and the changeling cowers again, curling into the fetal position to escape my beatings. I'm tempted to tell her to get the fuck up, but I've yelled enough, so I pick the struggling changeling up by her arm, and continue to question her, until the real Mizzietta walks down the stairs.

"Hey, Mal, I couldn't find the heart, and I heard you down here, so I was... What the fuck?! Mal, what is a changeling doing here, and why does she look like she's about to wet herself?" Mizzietta asks, looking at me like I was responsible. In my defense, though, the changeling started it.

"I'm sorting things out! This bitch tried to steal my heart!" I yelled, not knowing what I just said.

"... I really hope you meant the crystal heart by that." Mizzy says with a bemused expression.

"Anyway, why are you still hitting her if you already found her out? She's just a drone; let her go." Mizzy says, and I look to the changeling, near-literal fire in my eyes.

"You got lucky. Now get lost, before I finish the bitch-making process!" I demand, throwing the changeling to the door, and let me tell you, she took off faster than a Kenyan after a KFC delivery truck.

"Alright, I let her go. Now, where's Cadence? I need someone to vent on." I say.

"That's just it, Mal, I don't know." Mizzy says. "Maybe she's out on business?"

"Well, then let's bolt before she finds...out..." I say, looking to the door, and finding another pony, but she's pink, tall, and regal-looking, with a horn and wings.

"You must be Malideus. I take it it was you who almost killed my husband?" The pony, who I'm assuming is princess Cadence, asks. Uh oh.

Ch.7- Meeting the eldritch in-law of doom

"You are Malideus, then? I'm going to make you..." Cadence does not finish before I interrupt her.

"Blah, blah, revenge, gonna make you pay, got a bone to pick with me, I've heard this speech a thousand times." I say irritably.

"How dare you! You dare mock me after all you've done?" Cadence says, trembling with anger.

"Yes, I 'mock you after all I've done'. Now, are you gonna sit there and sputter, or are you gonna come at me, ho?" I say, getting into a stereotypical kung-fu stance.

"... No. I will not 'come at you'." She says, inciting a reaction from me:

"Whaaaaaat!?" I ask, dumbstruck.

"I will not fight you. I think, maybe, that there may be a deeper reason to your actions. If you will allow me to see what they are, maybe you can stop all the hate?" She says, putting a hand on my shoulder. Mizzietta gags, but I stand there, confused. No revenge? No killing? This was blasphemy! This was madness!

"I don't... What is the meaning of this!?" I yell, pushing Cadence away.

"I know what lies in your heart, Malideus. You entered our world with a false name and the intention to destroy us, but why? I see much loneliness within you, Malideus. Tell me your secrets, so that I can..." She doesn't finish before I raise my righteous pimp-hand, and then slap the ever-loving crap out of her bitch mouth, tears in my eyes.

"You can't stop me with your lies! I'm not good inside, I'm not misunderstood, I'm not repressing anything! STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME!!!" I yell at the top of my lungs, shaking the castle with the volume of my voice. Then, Cadence gets up, a look of shock on her face.

"You cannot change me, 'princess'. I will not be a part of your sick, twisted world!" I finish, holding the crystal heart up.

"You... You can't do that!" She cries, moving to stop me. However, Mizzietta gets in the way.

"I can't, can I? what if I did... this?" I ask, putting my hand to the heart. Suddenly, a feel a small surge, like electricity going up my arm, and the crystal heart darkens in places, splotches and waves of black move across it like clouds, until there is no more light, just a black, obsidian heart.

"You...What have you done!? Without the crystal heart, we are nothing!" Cadence says, tears flowing from her eyes.

"I can see that. I, however, am far from powerless. Behold, the obsidian heart!" I shout, holding the corrupted heart up for all to see. Soon, crystal ponies rush in, and they begin to murmur and cry in dismay at the spectacle before them.

"You have not won yet, Malideus! The surface may be tainted by your evil, but the core remains pure! You are not powerful enough to corrupt it all!" Cadence exclaims, and everyone cries out in agreement. I, though, just look around at them, and wonder why that is so. If I was told correctly, the heart would be corrupted by my evil. So why was it not sopping with it? Was I... heaven forbid... not evil enough?

"I don't... understand... I say, and the crystal heart returns to it's pristine, clear form, free of corruption.

"Face it, Malideus. You may think that you are bad, but you're not. Stop trying to be evil, and just be good, as is your true self." Cadence said, and I felt the worst bout of rage I had ever felt boil up inside me, and my right hand began to crackle with electric fury, my hate coursing through my veins.

"NO!!!" I shout, and I throw Cadence aside, and pick up the crystal heart.

"Come on, Mizzietta! I need to leave, before my blood pressure kills me!" I say, and Mizzy returns to her normal size, and I get on her back. Then, we charge through the crowd, and take off. As we fly back to the cave, crystal heart in tow, Mizzy gets curious.

"You don't actually believe her, do you?" she asks.

"Of course not. I am Malideus, destroyer of worlds!" I say, with no doubt of my alignment. I ended many lives before now, and ruined more! I'm not good, I'm far from it! Yet, Cadence's words eat away at me, nagging at my mind. If I'm evil, then why couldn't I corrupt the heart? I ponder this, looking at the heart. The sight of it fills me with anger, so I lower it, but I do not let go. This thing is my key to ultimate power, and I won't let go for anything.

Finally, we arrive at the cave. Mizzietta sets down, and I get off, feeling really sick to my stomach. I hate moral dilemmas.

"Hey, Mal, are you okay?" Mizzy asks, and I take off my helmet, putting on my best smile.

"Of course! It's not like my entire identity is in question or anything, I'm sure I'll be fine." I say, putting my helmet on the ground.

"Hey, when's your uncle supposed to get her, anyway?" I ask.

"He should be here, right about... Now." She says, and as soon as the word "now" leaves her mouth, the earth rumbles, the skies turn black, and a great, big, blue, electrical portal appears in a deafening explosion, and I scramble to put my helmet back on before it gets sucked into the crazy thing. Then, a mighty, eldritch roar explodes from the portal, and something slithers out: Something colossal, snake-like, armored and golden, with two curved horns with an oval floating between them, and I recognized the colossal, evil-looking dragon immediately.

"Oh my god, your uncle... he's..." I say, unable to finish.

"Yep! Malideus, meet my uncle Nicol Bolas!" She says, and I almost faint. Bolas, however, pays me no mind, and focuses on his niece, Mizzietta. Immediately, the two collide in a heart-warming embrace, and I begin to feel better about my chances of surviving.

"Uncle Bolas!" Mizzy cries as she embraces her eldritch uncle, and he returns the hug.

"Mizzy! My word, you get bigger every time I visit! A thousand years is longer than I thought!" Bolas says in a voice that's so deep and rumbling, it sound more like a volcano, but he still squeezes his niece.

"Uncle, please! It's only been 715 years!" Mizzy says, and the two break the hug-fest up.

" I know, but I still will always think you my little fallen angel, Mizzy!" Bolas says, rubbing Mizzy's head.

"I know... Oh, uncle, I just remembered! I have someone I want you to meet!" Mizzietta says, perking up.

"What? Well, it's about time you got yourself a mate. Speak then, who is it?" Bolas says, smiling. Immediately, Mizzy picks me up (which I still hate) and hold me up, showing me off like some kind of trophy.

"Uncle, this is my new, eh, companion, Malideus!" She says, but I remain silent as Nicol Bolas inspects me, a look of disinterest on his face. Then, he casts the same look at his niece.

"I'm sure this is some kind of funny joke, but I'm not getting the humor. Could you explain it to me?" Bolas says, causing me no end of embarrassment, on top of my fear that he's going to destroy me at any second.

"No joke, uncle. Malideus has just been dying to meet you! He wants to be as great and powerful as you, so he can break this world in half! Right, Malideus?" Mizzy asks, and I gulp.

"W-well, dying isn't the word I'd use, exactly..." I say, trying not to wet myself.

"Hmm... I do like his getup... What is his power, as of now?" Bolas asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Oh, he's great! he can talk his way out of anything, he's a... uh... Geomancer, yeah! He can blind people with sand, and he single-handedly stole the crystal heart!" Mizzy explained, and I just smiled, even though I was wearing a helmet.

"Hmm... Interesting... A geomancer, you say? And able to talk and sneak his way out of anything? Not the usual combination, but interesting enough... Though I do not see what you see in him." Bolas said, scratching his chin.

"Well, that's kinda it. Malideus kinda lost his powers a while ago, and I was hoping you could give him some? Please?" Mizzietta asks, activating her best puppy eyes. Bolas seems immune at first, but then wavers.

"Guh, Oh, all right, I'll see what I can do. But only because you're my favorite niece." he says, pinching Mizzietta's cheek.

"Aww, Thank you, uncle Bolas!" Mizzy says, hugging him.

"Anything for my Mizzy-kins. Now, you are Malideus?" Bolas says, looking at me. I was so scared right there, I come pretty close to releasing my bowels, thank god I didn't.

"Uhh... yes...sir?" I reply, shaking like a leaf.

"I see. Well, from what I can tell, you have no magic, almost no mass, muscle, fat or anything else, and no money or wealth of any kind. Honestly, I will never see why my niece even laid eyes on you, much less mated with you." Bolas says, and I suddenly get a horrible sinking feeling.

"H-how..?" is all I can muster.

"I know everything, that's how. Thankfully for you, you both are incompatible to sire a child, so while I'm not happy with either of you..." Bolas says, eyeing Mizzy suspiciously. "... I am not furious, either. Nonetheless, I will help you, boy. Now, I can grant you power, but you are too young to truly wield it. If you seek my blessing, boy, then you must train." Bolas finishes.

"Train?" I ask, quite unsatisfied.

"Yes, train. I'm sick of teenagers, and their need for instant gratification. Back in my day, if we wanted to send something, we wrote it down, double checked it, and payed a carrier! Now, you kids have your "cell phones", and your "computers" and various other doohickeys. Well, I'm glad to say that, as of now, you're going to be a wizard the old-fashioned way." Bolas says, and I groan.

"Ugh, do I have to?" I ask.

"If you want my power, yes. Now, I'm going to have you undergo a series of tests. Complete them all, and I grant you my blessing. Fail, and I will destroy you for fooling around with my niece." Bolas says, and I gulp.

"Uncle!" Mizzy says, and Bolas sighs.

"Fine, maybe not destroy. But I will make you suffer. Now, let us begin." Bolas says, and thus begins my five agonizing days of training and tests, which I'm pretty sure were just for his amusement. The first day, I had to run from the cave, to the other side of the forest, then run back. So, in the beginning of the morning, I began my trek, after the old fart throws me outside. Nevertheless, it was easy enough halfway through, but three days of running in the woods was all I could muster before my natural strength reserves crapped out. I tried to reach the end as fast as I could by walking, limping, but I ended up crawling, and the entire incursion took about a week. God, I'm out of shape. Finally, after about a week and a half, I make it back to the cave, and Bolas seems surprised I even survived.

"Well, it seems I owe Nefarox quite a hefty sum. I was certain you'd perish." Nicol Bolas says, sipping at his coffee.

"You said he'd be fine!" Mizzy cries.

"I did? Eh, lapse in grammar." Bolas says, shrugging.

The next day, my next test began.

"Alright, boy, Time for the next test. I've been seeing a lot of cockatrices around here, and it's been years since I've had one. Unfortunately, I don't like hunting, so you're going to be doing that for me." Bolas says simply, and I almost go ballistic.

"You're sending me out there to bring you groceries!? You are the worst coach ever!!!" I yell, but Bolas just laughs.

"I never said I was a good one. Now go kill some birds, boy." He says, pointing to the forest. So, I go out, and fifteen close calls and a whole mess of scratches and bruises later, I return. However, Nicol Bolas laughs at me.

"Well, you've certainly taken your sweet time. I could have conquered a plane in the time you took to fetch those glorified chickens! Nonetheless, I guess you did it without dying." He says, and I growl.

"Damn right, I did. Now, can I have some powers?" I ask, and Bolas laughs even harder. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. But nonetheless, I finished the test, and he gave me a new one the next day.

The new test, he said, was to climb the mountain in my underwear. I'm almost fed up with this, let me tell you. I hunted, ran, and got laughed at for two weeks. TWO. FUCKING. WEEKS. But Mizzy says her uncle knows what he's doing, so I'm forced to do his bidding. So, early in the morning, I begin toclimb the fucking mountain in my underpants. Meanwhile, Bolas is taunting me from the top, and laughing his ass off.

"You'd best hurry, Malideus, the mountain only gets colder at night." He taunts, and I'd throw a punch right back, if I wasn't freezing my nuts off. I continue nonetheless, and when I reach half way, that asshole creates a fucking blizzard!

"WHAT THE HELL, YOU OLD FART!?" I yell at the top of my lungs, and Nicol Bolas harrumphs.

"I'm not that old! Besides, it's just a blizzard! Surely one as great and powerful as you has powered through worse?" He taunts, and then intensifies the blizzard out of spite. I almost died on this one, leading me to believe that this dragon was trying to kill me. However, I am no wuss. I despise this old dragon so much, I do as I am told, and I'm up and down by the end of the day. This time, I'm the one who laughs at the surprise on Nicol Bolas's face.

"Ha! Eat it, Bolas! You ain't got nuthin on this!" I say, hitting my chest for emphasis. Bolas though, glares daggers at me, and I fear I may have overstepped my boundaries. Contrary to my fears, though, he just laughs.

"You did good, boy. You take too long to accomplish such simple tasks, but at least you do them thoroughly. Ah, well, we'll see what I have for you tomorrow." He says, letting me live another day. However, I should have known that he'd have one last test for me, in the end. I know this is out of spite, but I do it anyway. However, I really wish I hadn't.

"Oh, come on..." I say as I carry the colossal old dragon all the way to Ponyville in a magical blizzard he created.

"Wanted power, you did. Now pay, you must, for cheap, my blessing is not." Bolas said, and I almost dropped him.

"Why...Are you... Uhn... Talking... Like that..?" I ask, strained by the weight of a colossal elder dragon on my back.

"Need a reason, I do not. This task, you must complete. Now walk, boy." Bolas says, pointing toward the town. I know he's using magic to make himself lighter, but that still did not help the fact that I was going to have back problems from this... if I survived, that is. So, I walked on for hours, trudging through magical snow and wind, but thankfully, my robes were pretty damn warm, so I survived the cold, but this dragon's weight was what I felt was going to kill me. Finally, after a whole twelve hours, we reach the outskirts of Ponyville, and Bolas stops me, letting the blizzard up. Then he gets off me, and smiles.

"Well, boy, I didn't expect you to survive these past few days. You have done well." He says, but I'm too exhausted to reply, so I just give a thumbs-up.

"Yes, you have completed all tasks I have for you... but one." He says, and I go ballistic.

"WHAAAAT!?!?" I yell, ready to explode.

"Yes, there is one more, but it is to test your powers finally, whereas the others were for my own amusement." He explains, and I listen, despite my urge to shout 'I knew it!'.

"What... Is it..?" I pant, ready to pass out. Suddenly, Bolas snapped his fingers, and my robes were fixed, my armor was polished, and I felt... weird, like when I had the Alicorn amulet, but much less so.

"I have given you power, Malideus. But now, I need you to test your powers." he says, and we're suddenly back at the cave, and Mizzy is waiting.

"Mal! You're back! So, how was it? You look... better." She says, eyeing me uncomfortably. Nonetheless, I respond with confidence:

"I'm fine, you know, besides the fact I had to climb a mountain, strangle cockatrices, and carry your uncle five miles to obtain this power." I say, and she just rubs my head.

"That'd explain it." she says, and Nicol Bolas speaks up.

"Yes, your... questionable boyfriend... now has the power he seeks, but he requires one more test to truly make sure he can learn this magic. Now, boy, bring me the crystal heart." Bolas says, and I do so.

"Now... touch the heart, and absorb its power. If you are capable of this, then I see no reason to test or train you further." Bolas explains, and I cringe as all eyes are on me. I look at the heart, and think back to when I first tried corrupting it. I feel like I can't, but I also don't really want to. I can't explain it, but the heart makes me feel... weird, Like I can't even look at it, lest I harm it with my very gaze. Nonetheless, I try again, and the effect is so different from last time, it scares me: The heart's light dims, then the heart starts to shake. I get scared, but I press on, holding my hand to the heart, feeling its power course through me.

"And this is going to corrupt it, right?" I ask, and Nicol Bolas just laughs, a deep, booming sound.

"Yes, something like that." He says, and I shrug and press on. By now, the heart has dimmed to near- black, and a red light is pulsing from its center. I keep holding, and the light grows brighter and bigger, until it engulfs the whole heart. then, before I can ask if I'm done, the heart explodes, sending crystalline shards everywhere and startling Mizzy and I.

"Bwoah, shit!!!" I cry, falling on my ass. a second passes, and a shard hits my head, bounces, and lands in my hand. I look at the blood-red shard, and look around, then at Nicol Bolas, who was smiling.

"What just happened?" I brilliantly asked.

"You, my boy, have just absorbed the crystal heart. It had no use for it's previous form, so it was destroyed. You see, Malideus, you just committed the ultimate act of corruption. And now, all that raw power is yours." Bolas explained.

"Cooool..." Mizzietta said, looking at a larger, blood-red shard.

"Well, yeah, but... did I have to destroy it?" I ask with a twinge of unease for destroying the crystal heart.

"No, but why risk having someone purify it? That's the first step toward ultimate power: if presented with the option, always destroy something after you've taken what you need from it. That way, no one can take it back." Bolas explains.

"Oh..." I say, looking at the shard in my hand, still blood-red, as if that was to always be its color.

"I think that's pretty cool. I mean, imagine if you can do this to other stuff!" Mizzietta says, causing me to feel a little better about it. I mean, it was pretty cool.

"Yes, and now, I have given you your gift. What you do with it is your decision. Well, I must go, universes simply do not destroy and enslave themselves." Bolas says, and he and his niece embrace once again.

"Oh, thank you uncle!" Mizzy cries, and Bolas laughs.

"It was no trouble, dear niece. I just hope that next time, you don't have me train any more of your boyfriends. Yours isn't exactly the fastest I've ever seen, even for a 'geomancer'." Bolas says jokingly. Then, after goodbyes, he opens a portal and leaves, shutting the portal behind him.

"I don't like your uncle." I say finally.

"Oh, don't be like that. He did give you powers, after all!" Mizzy replies.

"Yeah, minute ones." I say. Mizzy just sighs.

"Nothing pleases you anymore, doesn't it?" she asks.

"Not since the amulet." I reply. However, Mizzietta just smiles, and kisses me, which I'm still not used to.

"So, wanna train your new powers, O great Malideus?" Mizzy asks sultrily.

"Yeah, it's about time I paid Twilight back for breaking my, er, your amulet." I say, and Mizzy laughs.

"Need a ride?" She asks.

"Nah, I got this." I say, walking out of the cave.

"Well, don't get killed out there. I might get lonely." Mizzy said sultrily, eyeing me uncomfortably.

"Really? Your uncle just left." I say irritably.

"Yeah, and now he's gone. Just come back at a reasonable time, please?" Mizzy asks.

"Alright, I'll be back." I say, and I'm off. I feel good, so I run, all the way out of the forest. In fact, I feel better than when Bolas gave me that power. Could the heart have been a part of this? Eh, no matter, I didn't need to know. What I did need is to get to that fucking village and make that town my bitch.

"Look out, Twilight, here comes Malideus." I say, prepared to end her and her friends once and for all.

Author's Note

'Twas a sappy chapter, but it had to be done. Sorry if it sucked, folks, but every chapter after this one, I assure you, will contain more evil hilarity than you can handle!

Ch.8- Snake? Snake!? SNAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!

The town looms in the distance as I walk forward, as if in a trance. However, a recurring thought enters my head as I walk: Cadence. I remember how she tried to reach out to me, and I fill with anger each time I think. I hate them, I hate her, but why? I remember back to when I corrupted the crystal heart: The first time, I only sought to corrupt it, but I could not. Then, when I destroyed it... That was not corruption, it was absorption. I wanted to corrupt it, not get rid of it. Corruption, by definition, is forcing one's evil into something, but I couldn't do that. So, here I am, actually thinking about my alignment. I want to be the evil of this world, just to snap it out of it's lazy, self-indulgent lifestyle. Yet, I can't even corrupt the single most emotion-sensitive artifact in this whole world, and I resort to taking it's power. Is that really my brand of evil? Now that I'm on this topic, am I really even as evil as I say? I sometimes wish autopilot would come back sometimes, because I liked not making decisions for myself.

I think on this for a while, but then stop as I find myself on the edge of Ponyville. I stare as the ponies go on with their lives, and I see that they seem just like humans, albeit distorted. I seem to have forgotten that somewhere... but where? Anyway, I'm tempted to turn and walk away, but something keeps me on my path. I hate these creatures, but I grow tired of fighting them. It's just stale now. But, I feel like I should at least finish what I've started. So, I walk up to the town, as the sky starts to drizzle. As soon as I'm in sight, everyone starts to flee, but stops when they see the Mane Six walk up, going right for me. I make no move, though, and just stand there, my internal turmoil paralyzing me. Soon, Twilight is right in front of me, fathomless hatred in her eyes.

"You have a lot of nerve showing up back here." She says, eyeing me with utmost contempt. However, I do nothing, only reply.

"I suppose I do. You, in turn, have a lot of nerve getting in my face after all you've put me through." I say, crossing my arms.

"What!? You're the one who decided to start causing trouble the minute you got here!" Twilight shouts, her face turning red.

"I know. But you are the ones who need cleansing. You exist under a false sky and a bastard sun, with no real hardships to speak of. And so, I have come to end that. I will end this little hell you've cooked up, and spare the rest of us your bullshit. So I say, Princess, that I do not want your speeches, or your rehabilitation; I want your blood." I say, but then I ask: Do I, really?

"We don't need to be cleansed! We were fine without you! Now, you've caused too much damage to let you go this time. No more hostages. We've all agreed, and we will take you, dead or alive, no matter who you put in front of you. Now, accept your fate like a stallion, or die like a coward." Twilight says, and I feel like I should just give up. But my majority says to fight on, so I do.

"I will not be taken anywhere, Twilight. No, I think that it is I who will win." I say, flustering the Mane Six. Then, I flick my hands, causing flames to appear in them.

"What do you have now, some new toy? You can't even use magic otherwise. How are we supposed to take this seriously?" Rainbow Dash asks, and I chuckle.

"So naive. Do you think that, just because I have no horn upon my head, that I cannot use magic? Allow me to end your petty delusions." I say, and I raise my hand forward, casting a rather large bolt of fire at the group. Twilight tries to dispel it, but I snap my fingers, and the bolt splits in half, goes around her, and the twin bolts hits Rainbow Dash and Applejack simultaneously, knocking them down. Then, while Twilight is disoriented, I run up, grasp her throat, and throw her into her remaining friends.

"I still have power, more so than you. You have set me back and infuriated me to no end, though, and now shall suffer. I'm going to destroy each and every one of you, one by one, and I'm going to piss on your ashes." I say, moving forward. However, the six get up, and charge me. They then tackle me, and I let my instincts kick in. Without thinking, I cross my arms, close my eyes, and I feel like I'm somewhere else. Sure enough, as soon as I open my eyes, I'm three feet away from the confused mares. I just teleported! However, my victory is cut short when the six get up and try to repeat the process. So, I repeat whatever I did back the first time, and I teleport again... six feet into the air.

As I'm falling, Rainbow dash zooms to catch me, but as soon as she grabs my robes, I grab her hand and loose a shock wave into her, stunning her and making her let me go. Thankfully, the fall isn't that far, and I get up just fine. However, Twilight has had enough, and tries to cast a force field spell around me, and I'm caught. But, I still do not give up. I punch and scratch and zap the shield, until it finally gives way. Then, I chain lightning Twilight and her friends, causing them to slump and fall down, stunned. Honestly, I expected a bigger fight from the six, but I suppose now that they are just really weak. Nonetheless, Twilight gets up, and her friends follow. I'll admit, they are NOT strong, but they can sure take a beating.

I get into my stance once more, and the six , ever the heroes, pull some pretty complex combos: Twilight casts a light spell that blinds me, while Fluttershy and Pinkie jump onto my back, causing me to lose balance. I flail and toss, but ultimately fall backwards, crushing them, but still become immobile myself. Then, Applejack grabs me, and throws me to Rainbow, who jumps and puts both feet out to kick me, and I stop there. Just when I think that they're finished, though, Twilight picks me up with her magic, and throws me into a building.

Now, let's face it: I'm in a mess. I'm blinded by the dust, it's lightly raining, and I'm in serious pain. But I carried Bolas five miles, climbed a mountain in my underwear and strangled fifteen cockatrices, so I find the strength to power through. Having had enough of these interlopers, I pull all my magic together for a last, stamina-destroying move: I finally use all my powers to make a giant shell of stone and debris around me, and float up into the air with it, creating two "fists" out of similar materials, and the six stare like it's the first time they've seen anyone do this. Amateurs.

Anyway, so I create my floating armor, and Twilight casts a spell that destroys half of it, but I use my magic to gather more surrounding stones and debris to regenerate it, and then I sweep one of my "fists" into the six, throwing them aside like dolls. Then, they get up, and start to complain about how unfairly I was playing. Really, you play six against one, and when I use armor, you say I play unfair? Not cool. Anyways, I then throw another fist at them, causing them to scatter, and proceed to whack each one into the ground like Whack-a-mole until they're all buried to their necks.

Unfortunately, my mana reserves gave out after that, and my construct fell into rubble, and I had to dig my way out of it. Even worse, the mane six managed to pry themselves out of the ground, but none of them looked in any condition to keep fighting, and neither was I. The six try to charge me again, but I resort to my skills, and just whack them with a long board of wood, seeing as how I'm too tired to do anything magical. So they stay down, but I fall down to my knees as well, officially done with this fight. So, we lay there in the mud, too tired to move, so we resort to insults to finish our fight.

"I wish... you never came here... you jerk..." Twilight pants.

"Me... too..." I reply, unable to feel anything but pain. Suddenly, I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to go and sleep for a few weeks. Weakly, I get up, and try to stumble off, hoping I don't die from exhaustion on my way to my cave.

"Where are you going... you coward..?" Rainbow Dash calls, but I just flip her the bird as I trudge a few feet, but I cannot go any farther, and I drop to my knees, and begin to black out. My last thought before I go out is why I ever decided that that last move was a good Idea, and then I'm out. When I wake up, I find myself strapped to a chair, in what appears a laboratory. Thankfully, my helmet is still on, so my irrational fear of having it off in public is kept at bay. I don't know why I don't want it off, I just do, and I don't argue it. However, I feel like I should find an escape soon, so I look around the room.

The room itself scares me, because it's all full of odd, flashing machines and Tesla coils, and I don't really like electricity that much. I struggle in my chair for a bit, but I soon find it hopeless.

"Ugh... I hate my life..." I say, exhausted. Suddenly, the door opens, and someone steps down the stairs: Twilight Sparkle, my most hated nemesis.

"You! Release me now, or suffer the consequences!" I snarl, struggling even harder, almost tipping the chair over.

"I think not. Here, you can't hurt anyone. Besides, how else am I going to conduct painful, life-threatening experiments on you?" Twilight asks, circling my chair.

"I will kill you all! I will burn your husk to a crisp, and devour your soul!" I yell, still trying to escape.

"Nah, I prefer you like this. Much easier to keep track of. Besides, we haven't even seen your real face!" Twilight says, stopping in front of me. Then, I realized my predicament.

"No! Stop right there, or I'll destroy you! I'll blow you up into little bloody giblets, you hear me!? You stay the fuck away from me, you little bitch!" I scream, thrashing wildly. Oh, did I mention I hate bondage? It's a long-standing phobia of mine.

"Relax, Malideus, Celestia herself already called dibs on unmasking you. I won't do anything... if you're good." She says, and I realize what's going on here. I'm expected to be some kind of toy while I await my final punishment.

"What do you want of me, whore?" I ask, extremely pissed at the universe for doing this to me.

"Me? I want to make you pay for everything you've ever done to each of us, and so do the other five. And we each get a turn." Twilight says, getting really close to my face. I want to headbutt her, but that would be futile, and likely only worsen my situation. So, I snort, and just sit there, ready to take whatever sick, twisted methods of torture they have for me.

"Do your worst, worm, but you will slip up, and I will make you suffer! You hear me? SUFFER!!!" I exclaim, ready to tear Twilight a new asshole if I ever get the chance.

"No, you won't. Those straps can't be cut, and I doubt your magic will save you. Now, I'll be back in a little bit with Celestia and Luna. Then, we'll decide what to do with you." Twilight threatened, and I sat there, fuming and seething. However, minutes pass, and I begin to feel drowsy. So, I take a quick nap. When I wake up, I see a pink face in mine, and reel back in shock.

"Waagh! What are you doing there!?" I ask, panicking. Pinkie just giggles infuriatingly, then responds:

"I'm seeing if you have eyes, silly! I thought you were sleeping, but your eyes always look open, so..." She says, but I interrupt her:

"That's because this is a helmet, you moron!" I yell, and Pinkie's eyes get really big and sparkly, and I begin to regret saying anything.

"That's such a cool helmet! I want it! Can I have it?" She asks.

"No!!!" I yell, but Pinkie comes up and tries to remove it anyway.

"Too bad!" She says, removing it and putting it on her own head without even looking at me.

"Hey! Give it back!" I yell, and she looks at me, about to say something, but then she stops dead for some reason, and takes off the helmet. Then, she puts her face really, uncomfortably close to mine, and starts inspecting it.

"Woah... Your face is so weird... I love it! I have to show Twilight this!" She says, bouncing off.

"Wait! Put my helmet back on!" I cry, but Pinkie has already left.

"... Please?" I say weakly, and I stare longingly at my helmet for another minute, until Twilight and Pinkie come back in, and Twilight seems to have scolded the blubbering, pink menace. Then, she picks up my helmet, and puts it back on my head, all without looking at my face.

"Now, Pinkie, you can't do that anymore! Celestia has told us that she'd be the one to unmask him! Now, don't do that again!" She says, and my rage swells.

"Yes, you hyperactive nuisance, don't touch me again!" I say, but Twilight casts a death glare at me.

"Don't start talking! If I hear a peep from you, I'll let Pinkie do whatever she wants to you!" Twilight threatens, but I'm feeling pretty bold (piss and vinegar will do that to you).

"What, and disobey your princess? You have no power over me!" I say, pushing my luck. Twilight, however, just looks at me with that same hateful expression.

"You know what, Pinkie? Go nuts with him. That'll teach him some manners." She says, and Pinkie salutes.

"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie says, and I start panicking as she puts her arms around my neck and shoulders playfully.

"Wait! I was just kidding! Don't let this idiot near me! Please!!!" I cry, but Twilight ignores me, and leaves the basement. Before she closes the door, though, she pokes her head through, and calls out:

"By the way, Pinkie's in heat, so good luck surviving!" She calls, then leaves, locking the door.

"... Heat..?" I whimper, looking back at the bouncy, playful nuisance behind me.

"Oh, Maly, we're gonna have soooo much fun! You and me, in Twilight's basement, could you think of a better place to play truth or dare? Or maybe spin the bottle! Or twister!!!" She listed excitedly, and I could only mutter as the annoying, befuddled mare continued her rant of sex-related party games.

"What do you think, Maly-waly?" Pinkie asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Enh... Huh? What?" I reply with utmost situational awareness.

"What would you play first if you were unbound, silly?" Pinkie said, tightening her grip around me.

"I wouldn't play a single game with you if they bribed me, you nuisance." I say, which was kinda true, depending on the bribe and the game.

"Oh, come on! You gotta cut loose sometime! Maybe if you dropped those heavy robes, or that stuffy helmet, you wouldn't be such a meany-head!" Pinkie says, getting in front of me.

"You even touch either of those things, I will kill you!" I threaten, but my words fall on deaf, pink ears.

" You won't do that! You're too nice!" Pinkie says, snuggling me.

"No I'm not! You can't prove that!" I cry, but Pinkie laughs.

"Of course you are! Every option you had to finally destroy us, you let us live! You are, like, the nicest villain I've ever met!" Pinkie says, and I'm tempted to struggle, but I see no reason. It's no use, thanks to the straps, and the blubbering pink thing won't let me go.

"I'm not nice, and I don't like you, at all! Now stop touching me!!!" I shout, but she does not seem to hear me or care. She just keeps cuddling, and my fury just... leaves. It's weird, but... I think she's making me less angry! Oh, god, I have to get the hell out of here!

"Maly, I know you want to be evil, but don't be so angry! Here, let's have some fun!" Pinkie exclaims, unhanding me.

"What kind of fun?" I ask suspiciously.

"Let's play the cuddle game!" Pinkie says, and my brain's danger centers start flashing red before I can process what she just said.

"No! Absolutely not!" I say, but Pinkie just smiles wider.

"You have to! As Twilight said, I could do anything to you!" She says.

"She never said I had to give my consent." I reply, and Pinkie harrumphs at my infallible logic.

"Still, You're in a chair, and in a locked basement! Youuu..." She begins, poking my helmet where my nose would be. "Don't get a say!" She finishes triumphantly.

"Now, we will play the cuddle game, because I say so!" Pinkie says, and my ever-present inner voice kicks in.

"This is your chance to escape! If you do as she says, she'll lose her energy, and you can take her key and leave!" my inner voice says, but I almost choke at the idea.

"WHAT!? NO! I got raped by a dragon, and that's the extent of it! I refuse to even THINK about doing such thing with... HER kind!!!" I reply psychically.

"Ooh! What are we talking about psychically?" Pinkie's voice butts in.

"What the-!? How did you get in here!?" My inner voice responds.

"I just wanted to see what you two were talking about!" Pinkie says mentally, smiling.

"Get out! this is between me and my brain! You butt out!" I think angrily.

"Okay..." Pinkie thinks sadly, and I feel her annoying presence leave my head.

"Now, where were we..? Oh, right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! I refuse the mere thought of doing that with her, or any other of her kind!" I think. My pride may be wounded, but it wasn't dead yet!

"Would you drop your ego for a second and LOOK AROUND YOU!? You are in a basement, captured, and with no hope of escape but her! WOULD YOU JUST DROP YOUR EGO FOR A SECOND AND DO SOMETHING SO YOU DON'T FUCKING GET US BOTH KILLED!?!?" My inner voice screamed at the top of it's metaphorical lungs. I think on this for a second, and I sigh. For once, my voice is right beyond a shadow of a doubt, and to escape, I needed to get my hands dirty... eargh...

"Alright, Pinkie, I... I'll play this... cuddle game... with you." I sigh, hoping with all my heart that it's not as bad as I think it is. I was right: It was worse.

"Yay! I knew you'd come around!" Pinkie says, undoing my binds, but removing my gauntlets.

"Okay, so, how do we play this snuggle ga-WHUFF!" I cry, as I'm turbo-glomped by a hyperactive, pink blur, and she just cuddles me. Now, I am NOT, EVER going into details about this horrible, sweaty ordeal, but I will say this: The vicious, depraved game goes on for hours, with just her grappling and cuddling me, and trying to... eugh, DO stuff to me... horrible, shameless, depraved stuff... However, after hours of fighting off the pink nuisance, I finally manage to get MY arms around her in the end, and I squeeze her so hard, she has to tap out.

At the end of the twisted game, We're both laying on our backs, exhausted, sweating, and half-naked, which I am NOT happy with. However, I have emerged victorious, and Pinkie is just sitting there, stunned, probably because of how badly I beat her.

"Wow, I never lose the cuddle game..." Pinkie says tearfully. I just laugh.

"You just did. Now, please leave me alone." I say, laying on my back, exhausted, but feeling like nothing worse could happen now. However, Pinkie starts crying again, and my inner voice, like the white knight it is, tells me to make her stop. So I go over, and pat her shoulder.

"There there... You... did your... best..." I manage, gagging on my own words.

"I-I'm not sad because I lost..." She says, and I'm struck by mild curiosity.

"If it's not that, then why are you blubbering?" I ask, annoyed.

"Well, I'm just sad because I know you won't claim your prize for winning, you know, with you hating me and all..." Pinkie says, and I perk up at the sound of a prize.

"Prize? Well, I might be able to accept a prize. What is it?" I ask, hoping from the bottom of my heart that the prize is the key to the basement door. But then, instead of producing a key, Pinkie just smiles, pounces me, and, uh, well... I think I've said enough on this incident... Ugh...

Anyway, so Pinkie's all out of steam, and I'm shivering and traumatized. I then see my chance, and slowly creep up to my target: Pinkie's dress, which MUST have the key. Sure enough, I find it in a pocket on the dress. So I take it, put on my robes and armor, and almost exit... but something stops me. I look back, and I see Pinkie shivering. Well, obviously she would be; she's lying, naked, on a cold, stone floor! So, in a bout of kindness I hope to NEVER experience again, I place her shirt over her, and she automatically wraps it around her, and I leave, disgusted at what I had just done... both things.

Anyway, I find my exit, and find myself in... the library? As I stare at my surroundings, I remember my first plan to obtain power: Search the Library for a book on summoning. Well, here I coincidentally am, so I might as well look while I'm here, right? So I peer at the books, but none of them have titles, and those that do say nothing of summoning. I search the library up and down for hours, but I find nothing. Finally, though, I find a promising book on the second floor: "A brief introduction to daemons and atronachs: volume II". Seeing that this has just as much value as anything else involving summoning, I take it, crawl down the ladder, and try to make my escape. I reach the door rather easily, seeing that no one was home. However, as soon as I move for the door handle, it starts to shake, and I panic, looking left, then right, then diving behind a chair.

The door opens, and I peer over an arm... And there is Twilight, Celestia, and Luna, all walking in! I almost panic, but I force myself to be quiet, and creep around them, still behind the chair, as they walk past me.

"...Anyway, He's in the basement. I have Pinkie keeping close watch on him." Twilight says, leading the princesses toward the basement where I should have been.

"Yeah, closer than I'd have liked..." I mutter, and all three princesses stop, and look around, as if they heard me. I wasn't even that loud! Nevertheless, I make myself stay so still, I almost forced my heart to stop beating. Seconds passed, but they each felt like an eternity as the three princesses looked around the room. I swear, I almost had a heart attack when Celestia herself looked right at me for a second, but she then turned her attention elsewhere. Then, with a shrug, they continue on, to my endless relief, and I sneak past, open the door quietly, and sneak out, closing it behind me. I think I heard something from within the library that sounded like shouting, but I didn't care. I was free, again! Malideus: 6. Pesky ponies: 0. THAT was a score I could live with. Unfortunately, that score was about to be settled when Twilight, Luna, and Celestia burst from the library, and see me instantly.

"YOU!!!" Twilight screams, preparing to destroy me.

"Oh, Hi, guys, funny story, see, I was just leaving..." I said, but the princesses all shot and missed me before I could finish my funny story about leaving.

"Tough crowd. Well, smell ya later!" I say, taking off so fast, I leave a dust cloud that bears my general appearance. Imagine that! But I forget, those princesses can run. So they try to catch me as I dip and weave through the crowd, but I keep well ahead of them, for god knows what they'll do to me if they catch me. I manage to keep a good pace, but it's not enough. So, I cast frost walls, fling boulders, and try to immolate them, but nothing works! I finally make it to the edge of the town, and I step outside... and Luna freezes me up to my neck with a direct hit from some spell she cast.

"FUCK!!!" I yell as the three drag me away.

"Trying to escape... humiliating me... Malideus, I'm going to kill you!" Twilight says as she drags me away.

"That is for us to decide, Twilight. After we've tried him, then you can do as you wish with him... If I don't keep him first." Celestia says bitterly.

"I regret nothing!... Except participating in the cuddle game! I very much regret that!" I shout defiantly as they throw me into the carriage the two main princesses rode into town in.

"I want my rights! I want my lawyer! I want my one phone call!" I shout, but the princesses ignore me, and we are soon off to the castle, where my trial awaits. I have no fears, but I still cry out for someone to read me my rights as I'm dragged to Canterlot, and then to a cell, where I break out of my icy prison. However, the cell door itself is unbreakable, and I see no way out. So, I sit on a cot for an hour, bored out of my skull. I wait, and wait, and even flip through the book I stole earlier, wondering if I could summon a demon on the spot, so I could get out of this hell-hole. Unfortunately, nothing pops up, so I sit for even longer.

It seems like an eternity before someone shows, and It's none other than Celestia herself.

"Bitch, you'd better have a good reason for showing your face." I growl, and Celestia doesn't even crack a smile. In fact, she seems kinda sad.

"Malideus... Do you know why you are here?" She asks, and I shrug.

"I suppose it's because I did wrong actions." I say, and Celestia nods.

"Yes. That is why you are here. But I want to know why you are as you are." She says sadly, looking at me.

"You have much potential, but you squander it being cruel and unusual to us. Why do you do this?" She asks, and I laugh.

"Because I can, mostly. I want to kill, so I kill. Why? I think you already know why." I say, and Celestia speaks up:

"No, Malideus, You are not evil. Cadence has told me of your troubled heart. She saw good in you, and still claims to. She told me of your incursion at The crystal empire, and how you almost killed her husband." She says.

"Exactly! That should prove my alignment! I dealt such blows to her pitiful moron of a husband, it almost killed him!" I say, but Celestia shakes her head.

"But you didn't. From what we heard, you had a sword when you fought him. You knocked him out, yes, but you did not use that sword on him, or on Cadence when you had the perfect opportunity to do so." Celestia explains, shaking her head.

"Malideus... I think she may be right. You are only confused, and need to think. Maybe some years imprisoned in stone will help you discover yourself, but with all the enemies you made... I fear that you may not be saved. However, If you confess and beg pardon to the crowd you have gathered..." She can't even finish before my laughter interrupts her.

"If they came to hear me beg, they will be disappointed. I will not lie; I am no coward, I was never good, and Cadence is a trusting fool, much like you. When I get out there, I will finally have the chance to spit upon the faces of your people." I say. Celestia, though, sighs, lowering her head.

"I know you are lying. But if you will not try to save yourself, then I cannot help you. But, before your trial, may I at least see your face?" She asks.

"No." I say, and Celestia seems surprised.

"Why do you hide your face further, Malideus? It's over for you. If it is your desire to die, then at least let me see who we are killing." She demands, but I take great joy in her frustration.

"No. I will not remove my identity for you, or for anyone else." I say, and Celestia seems to grow annoyed.

"... Fine. I will personally unmask you during your trial, then. You have one hour to prepare yourself, Malideus. I wish you the best of luck." She says, and she walks away. I feel sick again, but I waive it off. I don't need luck. I was going to die, anyway. But I knew that, then why wasn't I striving to live another day? Maybe being stone didn't seem appealing, and I would rather die than undergo that? I sighed at that thought, and a part of me agreed. It was bogus and I knew it. I guess, really, I'm just fed up with life. Nothing seems to go right for me when I'm trying to be nice, like on my old world, and when I'm evil, I end up getting killed. So, I'm done. I sit on my cot, hands in my laps, and I wait... until a guard walks up to my cell well before an hour, unlocking it.

"Come on, get out." The guard says, motioning me out. However, I do not leave.

"Sure got the trial done fast. Guess everyone in the world wants to see me die." I say, getting up. However, instead of cuffing me, the guard pulls me out of the cell, and starts leading me somewhere. I quickly realize that this isn't normal, and I pull my hand away from the odd guard.

"Hold up, where are we going? I don't think you're doing your job right." I say, and the guard sighs, looking to me.

"Listen, we're not going to the trials. I'm getting you out of here." The guard says, and I begin to question some things, like if this is even a guard, for starters.

"Oh really? How can I trust you, or more importantly, why would I WANT to trust you?" I ask, furious that a pony would try to align themselves with me. However, the 'guard' just sighed, then, in a flash of green light, turned into a changeling, causing my blood to boil and my pimp hand to twitch.

"You!?!" I exclaim, recognizing the distinct marks of an armored pimp-slap across the left side of her face. This was the same bitch that tried to steal the crystal heart from me!

"Yes, me. Now stop yelling so we can get out!" The changeling says, grabbing for my arm, but I bring it away before she can grab it.

"Why are you helping me, pest!? Why should I not destroy you here and find my OWN exit?" I ask, and the changeling flinches, but her resolve is unwavering, and she stands tall (but is still a head shorter than me), and explains her position:

"Mizzietta sent me to find you. She figured that something was wrong, and I happened to be in the area..." She says, but I interrupt her.

"What were you doing near a known hideout of mine? Start talking, bug!" I demand, picking the changeling up by the neck and preparing to scar the other side of her face with the back of my hand. However, she doesn't seem afraid... in fact, I think I see the slightest smile on her face! What the fuck was this!?

"Well, I reported empty-handed to Queen Chrysalis, but she went ballistic, and, well, I was ordered to be executed. But I remembered how much of a better leader you were, able to command a dragon,... Oh, I had to come and join you! So I escaped, and here I am!" She explained enthusiastically, and I dropped her out of confusion.

"You... sought me out... to join me..?" I pondered, putting the numbers together. "But I almost killed you? What is wrong with your head that you would come back?" I asked, still confused.

"Well, i-it's like you said... I guess when you... well... I..." The changeling stuttered, and I quickly grew impatient, so I bonked her hard on the head with my fist to see if it would make her stop, and she did, but oh, god, her face... It was like she enjoyed it!

"You've got to be kidding me..." I said, putting two and two together. The changeling then turned green, which I guess was it blushing, and started stuttering again.

"Well, I guess it's true: I've accidentally made you my bitch." I say, interrupting the blubbering insect. But I'm not disgusted or mad. This changeling found pleasure in the punishment I dealt, so was therefor the ultimate stress relief. In short, I was happy this changeling found her way back to me; Lord knows I'm usually pretty damn stressed.

"... Alright, I guess I could use another henchman, er, woman. But you still have to get me out of here." I say, and the changeling smiles eagerly, changing back into a guard.

"Okay, sir! This way!" She says, and I follow. We then proceed to creep around the dungeon halls for hours, poking our heads around corners, and checking for guards, who I quickly freeze and neutralize. After an hour or two of this, we begin to hear and see many more guards, all rushing as if searching for something, and I'm pretty sure that it's me that they're looking for. However, we evade them with ease, and manage to get out of the dungeon, into the main chamber. As I look around, I see great big holes and burn marks in and on the floor, a clear reminder of the last time I was here. Clearly Celestia has had better things to do than fix her castle. Nonetheless, guards cover the ground level, and I start to feel cocky.

"Get behind me, changeling." I say, pushing her behind me.

"What? Why?" she asks.

"Because you are useless to me dead. I'm going to send Celestia a little message before we go." I say, readying my magic.

"You mean... You're going to... K-kill them..?" The changeling asks nervously, and I laugh.

"Maybe, depends on if they run or not." I say, and I walk down the steps, attracting the attention of every guard in the room.

"Get him!" the all cry, and I lazily zap and blast them, sending guards to the ground, into the air, and into walls. Some guards, unfortunately, simply had tragic luck, and had their heads, legs, and various other appendages blown up or off, sometimes both. Nonetheless, A lot of guards got off with mere concussions, and were very lucky to be alive. As I step over the unconscious and mangled bodies of my adversaries, I look at the book I stole from Twilight's Library. If I could do this much damage at minimal power, Imagine what I could summon! I then put the book away, and continue. Then, when we reach outside, I blast the two guards at the door, and beckon my newest minion forth.

"So, changeling, how do we get out of here?" I ask.

"Well, I suppose I could fly us out of here..." She says, and I smile beneath my helmet.

"Then change into something, and fast." I say, and the changeling turns into a pegasus. The actual horse kind, I mean, not the fucked-up ponies from this world. That would just be awkward.

"...That's it?" I ask, not particularly impressed.

"I can't change into anything bigger!" She complains, and I facepalm.

"I suppose this will do. Now, fly, before I really hurt you!" I say, getting on my minion's back. Soon we are in the air, and on our way home.

"Ah, another day, another foe outsmarted. Malideus, you magnificent bastard, is there anyone you can't beat?" I say, looking back at the city of Canterlot.

"Uh, actually, sir, I did help... OW!!!" The changeling yelps as I punch the back of her head.

"You do not get any credit until you've gotten me to safety, changeling! Now mush!" I shout, pointing forward.

"Y-yes sir..." The changeling says subserviently, and off we continue, back to Mizzietta's lair. I think, now, that it's time I gave this summoning thing a shot...

Ch.9- Malideus gets a clue

We reach Mizzy's lair by sundown, after a few minutes of flying. Afterward, I am greeted in the oddest way: Mizzy, ever so happy to see me, launches herself at me, not even bothering to change sizes first, and starts hugging and snuggling me, crushing me under all five tons of herself.

"Mal! You're back! I'm so happy! Don't ever pull that again, or I'll have to destroy you." Mizzy says happily, then gets off me, sparing most of my bones. Then, she turns to the changeling and smiles.

"You did good, kid." She says to her, and I get up, groaning from the pain of getting huggled by a five-ton dragon.

"Ugh... Yes, this changeling has done well. Say, I never got your name. Wanna tell me?" I ask the changeling, who looks at me like I was speaking Spanish.

"Name..?" She asks, cocking her head to the side confusedly, and I facepalm.

"I take it you don't have one, do you? Do they give you a number, or something I can work with?" I ask, and the changeling looks even more puzzled, and Mizzy is laughing.

"Wow, you are so green..." She says. Well, no shit! I practically just got here!

"What do you mean?" I ask, frustrated.

"Changelings don't GET names, dumbass! They die too soon and too often for them!" Mizzy laughs, and the changeling just blushes, looking like a mix between sad and happy.

"It's true; I was told I would be dead by next year, last I checked." The little masochist explains, not dropping her melancholy expression. Well, that's quite a depressing way to live. No wonder she's a masochist.

"Well, don't you want to enjoy your life? I mean, with such a short life expectancy, I'd think you'd want pleasure, not pain." I say, trying to understand. However, the changeling just smiles, and shrugs.

"I do experience pleasure! Pain is inevitable, and life is so short, so why not enjoy the inevitable while you can?" She says, eyeing me uncomfortably. Good god, this bitch is psycho. My newest follower not only enjoys pain, but also enjoys inflicting it on others. I love it!

"Well, that's a bleak way of thinking, but I won't judge. Alright, I'll call you Whip. Suits you well enough." I say, and Whip gets all excited and flustered, and starts hugging me, which I'm not comfortable with, but I accept it.

"Oh, thank you, sir! I hope my remaining years are used best serving you in any way you want!" Whip says.

"Excellent." I say. So, I've got myself a nice harem going here, but I need something else: a third minion, perhaps? Maybe... But first, I had to get back at Celestia for capturing me and... And what? Thinking I was just confused? Offering me a chance to survive? God damn it, I need to stop having these thoughts! Okay, so Celestia has done nothing wrong, but those fetid Mane Six have been a thorn in my side multiple times, and it ends now! Now, I have a dragon, a changeling, and the potential to summon a demon of my choice! Tonight, the mane six taste oblivion! Which tastes like Red bull! Which tastes terrible!

"Well, what's our next move, Mal?" Mizzy asks as she lounges on her hoard.

"Our next move..? Hmm... I say... We finish what I started." I say, building up anticipation.

"I want to end the mane six, once and for all! The elements will fall, and their kingdom with them!" I say, and Mizzy looks at me with an endearing look, which I'm pretty much used to by now.

"This isn't going to end in capture like last time, is it?" she asks, giving me an inquisitive look.

"Of course not! This time, I will emerge victorious! I have full confidence we can beat them. Now, shall we be off, or do I have to drag you two down there myself?" I ask, and Mizzy smiles.

"You know, I love it when a man takes charge like that..." She says, but I cut her off.

"Save me the bullshit, Mizzy, it's time to get serious. Now, does anyone have any thoughts on what I should summon first?" I say, smiling and waving the book around. However, no one answers, and I shrug, flipping open the book.

"No Ideas? Well, then let's see what we got here." I say, searching the book. Needless to say, my head is spinning. there are so many destructive, world-ending demons and elementals in this book, I start to wonder what the hell it was doing in a public library. Despite the variety, though, I immediately stop on one demon in particular: The Dystopian Deathdealer.

"Oh, fuck yes..." I say, eyeing the picture. The demon itself was a 9-foot, bipedal insect with four arms; two clawed hands, and two scythes. It was tall, black and red in color, and was immune to light magic. In short, I had to summon one. However, I didn't notice the two looking over my shoulder, and I jumped when they both said "Coooooool!" at the same time.

"Don't sneak up on me!" I yell, clutching my chest.

"I'm sorry, sir it's just that..." Whip began.

"That that is the single coolest thing I have ever seen. It looks extremely overpowered, though..." Mizzietta finished.

"Which means we extremely have to summon it, like, right now." I say, reading on how to summon the amazing beast that was the Dystopian Deathdealer.

"Let's see... a circle of burnt earth, 7 feet in diameter, sprinkled with salt, wormwood ash and sulfur, and the horn of a unicorn. Seems easy enough." I say, closing the book. However, Mizzy and Whip are both giving me a look that says "Are you on fucking DRUGS?!".

"...Except that unicorns are in Ponyville and Canterlot." Mizzy says flatly.

"You think I don't know that? All I have to do is go in there and snatch one, that shouldn't be too hard." I say, cracking my knuckles.

"Besides, you two are coming with me." I say, and looks of shock spread across their faces.

"Whaaaaat!?" Both my enthusiastic minions say, looking like I'd just shot them.

"You both heard me. We're going down there and... hmm..." I say, developing a second, infinitely better idea.

"'Hmm'? What idea to get us killed are you cooking up now?" Mizzy says, and I have a mind to slap her, except I REALLY don't want to piss off her uncle, who claims to know everything, and will return and destroy me painfully if I even hit Mizzy. So, without a direct vent to my annoyance, I backhand Whip instead, and she goes flying into wall, but doesn't appear hurt.

"What'd I do?! Not that I mind, that is..." Whip says, and I turn and explain:

"Because you were closer!" I say, and explain my plan to Mizzy: "I'm not going to get anyone killed. I figure a direct assault is moot, because this will be the fourth time I've shown my face in rapid succession, and they will expect me. However, nightfall is coming soon, and no one ever expects a night assault! So that's why, tonight, I'm sending whip into enemy territory alone to kidnap Rarity!" I explain. Mizzy seems impressed, but Whip has a look of sheer horror and betrayal on her face.

"But... I... What..?!" Whip sputters, looking like I'd pulled the worst betrayal ever on her.

"You are loyal to me now, Whip, and should not ask questions!" I say, and she lowers her head, and raises it after a while, a look of determination and optimism on her face.

"You're right, sir! But I must ask: Why do I have to go alone?" she asks, and I explain:

"Because I'm terrible at sneaking, and you are the best we have." I say, but Mizzy butts in:

"I see that, but why Rarity specifically? Can't she just pull some random unicorn off the streets?" she asks, and I facepalm, sigh, and respond:

"No, because I NEED Rarity! If we have her, we can use her as a bargaining chip in case my other plan fails!" I say, and everyone looks impressed.

"Wow, that's some pretty evil thinking there, Mal. I'm impressed!" Mizzy says.

"Oh, please, of course Malideus thought of such a great plan! He is our most glorious leader, after all! It's his JOB to have great ideas!" Whip says, and my ego swells like a balloon. God, I love kiss-ups.

"Enough!" I say dramatically, waving my hand. "The moon is going to be up soon, and I'm expecting results for once. Remember, Whip, no casualties, and no capture. Got it?" I ask, and Whip snaps me a crisp salute.

"Got it! I won't let you down, sir!" She says enthusiastically, and I smile.

"Good..." I say, rubbing my hands evilly. In a matter of minutes, night is upon us, and Whip goes out, toward Ponyville. So, I wait, looking at the book. I stare at it for a while, and then I get another great idea: while I'm waiting for whip to bring me a unicorn, I should prepare the rest of the ritual! Before I can act, though, Mizzy interrupts my very important thoughts:

"You know, Mal, we ARE alone now... I say we do some stuff before whip gets back..." She says sultrily, and, for once, I agree with her.

"Yeah, you're right. Here, go find some wormwood and some sulfur, while I dig up some earth and find some salt." I say, dividing the tasks as efficiently as possible.

"You know, Mal, you've gotten really boring since we met. Don't you ever have urges past your plans?" Mizzy asks, but I pay her no mind.

"I've had enough venting of my "urges", Mizzy. Twice is enough, I don't need another intimate moment ever again, or I'm going to die." I say, moving for the cave mouth.

"'Twice'? I only ever did that ... Ohhhh..." Mizzy says in a bout of sudden realization, and she starts smiling the biggest I'd ever seen her, and I stop, immediately realizing my blunder.

"Uh, I think I... ehm... I'd better go." I say, but Mizzy gets in front of me, stopping me from my valuable work.

"Tell me what happened." She says smugly, but I try to dodge around her.

"No!" I say, but Mizzy pins me down, still wearing that dumb, smug grin.

"Tell me." She demands, and I try to push her claws off of me, but I'm not exactly the definition of 'fit', so I fail.

"Alright, I was, err, eh, attacked." I say, but Mizzietta just laughs really, really loud and hard, so hard, in fact, that tears are forming in her eyes. God, I hate my life.

"You got raped by one of them, didn't you?! Oh, man, if my uncle hears THIS..." she says between laughing fits, and I wish I could just dig a hole and die in it.

"I was strapped to a chair! I didn't have a choice!" I say, but Mizzietta ignores me, still laughing. Finally, she stops, and looks at me pityingly.

"Oh, Mal, that just made my day." She says, and I feel like exploding. Indeed, the whole earth starts shaking as my rage builds to catastrophic levels, and Mizzy puts a lot of haste in trying to calm me down.

"Woah, easy there, Mal, I'm not judging. It's not like it was your fault, or even a bad thing. Hell, it might even be a good thing!" Mizzy says, and all my anger is exchanged for confusion.

"Good? How is that, in any possible way, good?" I ask, feeling my anger return.

"Because, Mal, I think your problem with this world is your unwillingness to except the inhabitants as potential allies." She says, and I start getting angry again.

"What is that supposed to mean? I have you and whip! What are you saying?" I ask, and Mizzy responds in her psychiatric way of talking when she's addressing my problems:

"I'm saying that you're a xenophobe, Mal. You hate everyone on this world with a passion, so you can't develop a real relationship with anyone, or even talk to them without sounding hateful." Mizzy says, and I go on the defensive immediately:

"I am not a xenophobe!" I say, but Mizzy shakes her head.

"Yes, you are. I can tell you hate everyone, even me. Go ahead, say you don't." Mizzy demands, a sad look on her face.

"I don't... I... Ugh." I try to say, but she's right: my brain won't let me not hate her. Now, I kinda feel less like a villain, and more like a douche.

"Okay, you're right. But what am I supposed to do, suddenly learn to be friends with you?" I ask sarcastically, but Mizzy smiles.

"No, I just think you need to learn how to trust me. I'll admit, I didn't make a very good first impression with you, but I want to help you be the the best villain out there, and that requires more than raw hatred and brutality. You need bargaining, subtlety, and finesse, and all of those require talking to people." She says, and I start to feel uneasy.

"Okay, so how do you expect me to do that?" I ask, and Mizzy just kisses me, something I'm STILL not used to, but what the hell?

"Well, for starters, we need to remove your barriers. You are the only of your kind in the world, so you need to get past that. Just try and think of everyone as slightly off versions of... whatever you are." She says, and it begins to make sense: I'm being too strict about my boundaries, and I need to just go with it. However, I'm not about to talk about my sudden epiphany with some wiser-than-thou dragon, so I'll cut to the chase: She's right, and I'm not uncomfortable around her anymore. However, I still don't like ponies, or anyone except her and Whip, for that matter.

"So, what now?" I ask, alleviated of my irrational repulsion to her.

"Now? Now, we let the healing begin." She says, letting me go and shrinking down into her more humanoid figure. "So, wasn't there something you wanted to get done? She asks, and I pause for a second, but shake my head, returning to my previous plan.

"Yeah, I'll go get some dirt and salt..." I say, not entirely sure what just happened, or why Mizzy was looking, eh, better, for the sake of self-respect. I'm not about to say that she was looking sexier just because I managed to stop being so hateful; I still have standards, you know. Anyway, so we go out to gather our stuff, and I'm done first, naturally. So, I sit in the cave, and I think about what I should do now that my business is no longer crazy. After a while of thinking, though, I still decide that my goal is the destruction of all civilizations, but maybe not total, this time. Maybe I'll just enslave the world once I've scorched it a little. Then again, I might just go home. I've had enough of this place, so no magic seems like a good option. I take off my helmet, and look into a little puddle in the middle of the cave for no reason, and just stare. As I look, I realize I need a bath: My dark brown hair is really oily, my face is dirty, and my hazel eyes are starting to turn a little red from my lack of sleep.

"Ugh, what does she see in this..?" I ask, and I up and leave to search for a lake to wash off in. I search for a while near the cave, and I finally find a small pond, and wash my face. While I'm washing, though, something pushes me in, so I naturally flail and splash, and when I calm down, I see Mizzy looking smugly at me, still my size.

"This is exactly why I have trust issues with you!" I shout, but she just laughs.

"Well, that's what you get for shirking your work! I bet you didn't even find any salt." She says, but I get out of the pond and harrumph.

"I most certainly did! You cave is practically lined with the stuff! My only problem was separating it from the rest of the rock." I say, taking off my robe and wringing it out. I know that leaves me in my underwear around her, but I don't really care anymore. Besides, she's seen me in less.

"Well, I guess we're both done then." She says simply, but I start getting that icky feeling again.

"Yeah... I guess so..." I say cautiously, and I'm about to put my robe on, when that bitch pushes me back into the pond, causing me to drop it, and now I'm cold, sopping, and pissed.

"WHAT THE FUCK, MIZZY!?" I yell, and she starts laughing.

"What? It's funny!" She says, and I grab her leg and pull her in with me. So, she flails and coughs, then gets mad at me.

"What the hell, Mal?" she asks, and I just stay pissed.

"Not so funny when it's you, is it?" I ask, but Mizzy just smiles.

"Whatever, I still got you first." she retorts, causing me no end of rage.

"Ugh, whatever, I'm going to dry off." I say, going back to the cave.

"Oh, come on, you needed a bath anyway." Mizzy says, pulling herself out of the pond, and as she got out, I'm not sure how, but there was steam coming off of her as she got out, like the water was evaporating on her, and I'll admit: It was pretty fucking cool. However, Mizzy must have caught me staring, and she feigned embarrassment.

"What are you looking at, you perv?" She says, and I , naturally, start blushing and getting angry.

"Don't you start with me! Check your own track record before calling me names!" I say, but Mizzy just laughs, and puts her arm over my shoulder.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a sourpuss! Let's get to the cave before Whip shows up." Mizzy says, and I solemnly agree.

"No more pushing me into anything, though." I say, shivering due to the cold. Finally, we reach the cave, which is pretty warm for some odd reason, now that I notice it. I don't know, maybe it's magic, maybe it's Maybelline. Honestly, I stopped trying to figure this world out a long time ago. Nonetheless, as soon as we get back, I put on my robes and helmet, sit down, and take a nap. After a while, I wake up to see Mizzy asleep and leaning on my shoulder. I don't care anymore, so I let it be. Then, Whip comes in, carrying a big burlap sack with someone struggling inside. Needless to say, I'm quite pleased with the results.

"Well, I see you're not dead. What, or WHO, is in the bag?" I ask, and Whip smiles.

"It's the unicorn you wanted, of course!" She says happily. I'm pretty happy, too, and now I have everything to complete the ritual! That Deathdealer is as good as mine! Suddenly, though, a voice screamed from it that made my blood run cold:

"Hello? Who's out there!? Unhand the great and powerful Trixie this instant, or suffer the consequences!" The voice screamed, and I turned to a very scared-looking Whip, too angry to even think straight. Then, moving her appointment with my pimp hand to a later time, I grab the sack and empty it of its contents, which turned out to be a blue-furred, white-maned, definitely NOT Rarity-type pony.

"It's about time you cowards showed your... selves..." She trailed off as her gaze turned to me. In that moment, she looked as terrified as one could get. Clearly this one had heard of me.

"Great and powerful, huh? Try poofing your way out of this." I say, then I Pimp-slap her so hard, time seems to slow down, just like with Celestia, and she hits the ground like a rock, unconscious. Then I shake my hand, having sated its face-lust.

"Alright, Whip, care to explain this?" I ask her, and she lowers her head in shame.

"I'm sorry, sir. It was dark, and I'd never even SEEN Rarity before, so I assumed that this one had to be her! I await my punishment, now." Whip said, turning her head so that I would get the side that wasn't scarred by my last pimp-slap. Needless to say, I oblige, and I don't even turn my hand: I just slash her across the face for her insolence, and she sprawls to the ground, clutching her face, but she doesn't even whimper. Damn, this bitch is tough. Anyway, Whip then gets up, and I point to the unconscious mare that had called itself "Trixie".

"Whip, I want this one tied up, or I'll start poking even more holes in you than there are now." I say, and whip rushes to complete the task, still holding the place I slashed her. Thankfully, it's not too deep, so it'll heal nicely. But as she's holding it, I almost don't catch it, but she seems to smile and blush as she holds her wound. I don't think I'll ever get used to this, but I ignore it anyway. As long as she does her job right, I might have to start REWARDING her with pimp-slaps soon. Won't that be fun? anywho, we then get the unicorn tied up, and Mizzy wakes up shortly after, taking notice of Whip first.

"Jeez, Whip, who'd you piss off?" Mizzy asks, then she notices the bloody claws of my left gauntlet.

"Ohhh..." She says simply, then she sees the hostage. "And who's this, Mal? Sure isn't Rarity." She oh-so-helpfully points out.

"I know that!!! Whip has failed me, and brought me the WRONG FUCKING PONY!!!" I yell, punching a wall, cracking it. Oddly enough, my gauntlets are unharmed. Hell, my entire ensemble has survived hell and back, and just seems to magically repair itself the next day, making me wonder... Nah, I'm going off on a tangent now. Back to the story:

"Jeez, no need to get mad! I was just being observant! I think we can still make this work." Mizzy says, and I calm down.

"I suppose you're right. Unknown hostage is better than no hostage, I suppose..." I say, feeling my bloodlust lower.

"Yes, see? Now, what are we going to do with her?" Mizzy asks.

"I'm going to use her horn, and summon the demon, just like the plan." I say, getting the dirt and making a 7-foot circle out of it. Luckily, Mizzy had a few yardsticks in her hoard, so that was no problem.

"Whip, get the other stuff and spread it all over the circle. If I read the book correctly, it shouldn't matter what order you toss them in, as long as the ground-up horn is last." I say, moving to rip the horn off the blue unicorns head. Before I can, however, Mizzy stops me.

"Mal, wait. I don't think we should use hers." Mizzietta says, causing me to groan in annoyance.

"Why not?" I ask tiredly.

"Remember the thing I said about the barriers and finesse? Well, now's the perfect time to try it out." She says.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Of all the times, you want me to blow off my plans now, just so you can test some dumb theory?" I ask, blood pressure in the red zone.

"It's not a theory. A demon is only a temporary solution; what if we had to go against someone like the griffins next time? They can take any demon we throw at them!" Mizzy says, but I just scoff.

"Obvious: send a bigger demon." I say, and Mizzy facepalms.

"No! Demons only go so far! At some point, you're going to need to learn how to talk to the other races! That's the whole point of being an evil overlord! Learning to bargain and threaten! Jeez, do you even have a brain beneath that helmet?" Mizzietta shouts, and gears start to turn in my head.

"Alright, I'll try talking. But this had better be worth it, or I'll sic my Deathdealer after you first!" I say, and Mizzietta shrugs.

"Fair enough." She says, and I just grumble, since I have no witty response to that. I then walk up to our new hostage, and shake her head, waking her up. The reaction is pretty much the same as the first time, including the fear and surprise when she sees me.

"Wake up, Buttercup. Me and you have something to discuss, and I really don't feel like sweeping up your ashes." I say, and Trixie's reaction is immediate:

"W-what do you want? Trixie is only a magician!" She says, and I start to get really tired of her talking in third person, so I gently grasp her head, causing her to shut up.

"Listen here, Trixie, I don't want to kill you, because you can be pretty helpful right now. However, if you continue to speak in the third-person point of view, I'm going to crush your head like a tomato." I say, and Trixie nods violently.

"U-understood." She says, and I get up.

"Now, let's get to business. First, though, let's start with a question: Tell me everything about yourself." I say, and Trixie goes off on her personal history, from birth, to her rivalry with Twilight Sparkle. At that exact point, I get the greatest idea I have ever concocted in my life. I then stop her as she concludes her story about finding the Alicorn amulet.

"Alright, that's enough, Trixie. It appears your only useful assets to me are your knowledge of illusionary arcana, and your... history, with Twilight." I say, and I can see the gears turning in Trixie's head as she starts to realize that I'm not after her "magicians secrets".

"Yes, such limited uses, but each of them can be of great use... Especially your relationship with Twilight Sparkle." I say, letting my inner villain out. God, I can only remember when I had this much fun, and that was back when I first got here.

"Tri... er, I, cannot help you with that! To take on a princess, even one in training, like Twilight... It's unthinkable! I can help with the magic part, though!" Trixie says hopefully, but I just laugh, dashing her hopes.

"No, you can still get me to the little princess-to-be, but it will not be directly..." I say, and then pause for dramatic effect then I continue:

"Yes, you will deceive her. You, Trixie, will lure her away from her friends, and then I will capture her." I say, thinking of a new plan altogether: If a unicorn horn can get me one Deathdealer, imagine how many an alicorn horn will get me? However, Trixie seems hell-bent on defying me.

"Trixie will not stoop to such levels as you cowards'! The great and mighty Tri- eep!" She says, when I raise my hand as if to slap her, then I lower it, thinking of a plan to get her on our side.

"My apologies, Trixie, I'm simply on edge, and can't stand the way you keep talking in the third person. However, I'm a reasonable individual, and understand your situation. You are in the lair of a quite dangerous enemy of the public, and you have no way to defend yourself. I understand. So that is why I have to ask you: Why do you defend her?" I ask, and the question seems to catch her off guard.

"Well, she's going to be a princess for starters, and..." I stop her right there.

"Let me stop you right there. You and her have had a rivalry for a while, yes?" I ask.

"Well, yes..." Trixie replies.

"And then, even though she clearly started it, she had the audacity to forgive you, without even an apology?" I press, and Trixie seems flustered by this. I don't actually know WHO started it, or even HOW it ended, but I figure that that's how it went, and she seems to agree with it, so I roll with it.

"I suppose..." Trixie says slowly, clearly flustered by her position.

"So, from what I've gathered from your story, You were the superior mage. You should have won one, if not BOTH fights. And yet, both times, you are defeated, and then Twilight poses herself above you by making YOU apologize? In what way is that fair?" I ask, and Trixie finally figures out what I'm getting at as a look of realization sweeps over her face.

"I... I don't know." Trixie says finally. I have this bitch right where I want her.

"And now, that same brat is going to take a crown and be a princess on SHEER LUCK, whereas you are stuck performing. Do you know what that is, Trixie? That's just not fair. If you ask me, it should have been YOU who won each fight, not her." I say, and she seems to agree with me.

"Yes, but... What is Trixie supposed to do? It's not like I can just take the crown from her." Trixie says, defeated.

"YOU cannot, little one... But I can. Lure her to the edge of town, say that I'm setting an ambush there or something, and then let me handle her. Do this, and I will give you anything. Power, wealth, vengeance, whatever your heart desires." I say, and Trixie finally succumbs to my magnificent speechcraft skills. Level 87, bitches!

"Fine. I will bring her here, but I want something... else." She says, and I reply.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"I want to fight her when we have her." Trixie says, shocking me.

"What? That's dumb." I say.

"You don't understand! She has humiliated the great and powerful Trixie twice, and I want vengeance on my own terms! when you've defeated her the first time, Trixie demands a swing at her the minute she gets back up!" Trixie says, and I smile beneath my own helmet.

"Fair enough." I say, cutting her ropes with a bolt of fire.

"Now, let us go, Trixie, and remember: I will be watching." I say. Then, I have Mizzy carry us both as close to Ponyville as we can go without being spotted, and I use my awesome hiding powers to stay out of sight. (actually, I just used a half-assed cloaking spell to hide myself as I followed Trixie. Don't judge!) As the time rolls on, I see her finally get to the library, knock, and Twilight answers the door. All is falling into place. I almost laugh as I see the two start to talk, though I'm too far away to hear any of it. Then, Twilight exclaims something, and Trixie leads the way. Oh, this is turning out just like a spy movie! Cop gets info from a "Friend", gets led to a secluded place, and then BAM! Betrayal! Oh, I shudder with joy as I thought of how that last part would go. I am so excited, in fact, that I start thinking up lines in my head for when I finally pull it off. So, we all walk through the town, out of the borders, to the edge of the woods... and then, I strike!

"This is the place." Trixie says, and Twilight looks around, confused.

"Okay, I understand he should be around here soon, but is there any reason why I have to be alone?" Twilight asks, cautious of her situation.

"Because he wanted you delivered that way." Trixie says, smiling.

"Wait, What!?" Twilight asks, shocked. Then, I materialize an ice spike in my hand, uncloak, and get up to her ear.

"Surprise!" I whisper in my best french accent, and before she can turn around, I stab her in the back with the spike, which I doubled as a siphon for her magic, draining all of it into me as she screamed in a mix of shock and pain, and fell to the ground, wounded and powerless.

"I... I did it! I win! I win! I'm super bad!" I cheer, jumping in the air.

"Wait... You said I would fight her myself! This wasn't part of the deal!" Trixie says, but I don't really care for her agenda. I am the winner, after all, and she has outlived her usefulness.

"I have altered the deal. Pray I do not alter it further." I say, feeling like a total badass as I hoist Twilight's unconscious body over my shoulder and begin to carry her off. However, Trixie tries to stop me, like some kind of hero.

"You do not alter a deal with the great and mighty Trixie! I will make you pay for this betrayal, Malideus!" She says, preparing to cast some kind of spell. She never does, though, before I cast a bolt of raw electricity at her, causing her to spaz out and fall to the ground. Before I can leave though, she tries to get back up, so I do something I've always wanted to do to to someone for as long as I can remember: I hold out my hand, and, using my telekinesis, I literally force-choke her, like Darth Vader.

"You think you can betray Malideus, the scourge eternal, and escape with your life? I will show you otherwise, pest!" I say as Trixie struggles and coughs, clawing at her throat. However, I have had enough of her, and simply throw her into a tree, where she lays limp. If she's smart, she'll stay there and die. I, however, make my way back to the cave, for I have a date with destiny, and it's name is big fuckin' demon summoning time! Hell yeah!

Ch.10- Wrong order!!!

I trudged through the forest for hours after that incident, carrying the full weight of an unconscious alicorn on my back. It wasn't the weight that was getting to me, though, it was the forest. I had to trudge through that shit again and again, but at least I now know my way around this damned forest like the back of my hand. So I walk all the way to the cave, and am greeted by my lovely assistants, Mizzy and Whip.

"Hey, Mal. I see you finally got one of them." Mizzy says, then she looks surprised as she sees who it is.

"Yep, I got the big fish this time, bitches. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find a secluded place to hide this broad, so I can interrogate her in private." I say. No, I am NOT going to rape her, I just think that it's awkward torturing people in open spaces, that's why torture chambers were invented. However, Mizzietta still seems surprised.

"I thought we were going to use her horn to summon that demon, like you wanted?" Whip says.

"Yeah, I don't really see how torture fits into this plan." Mizzy notes, and I sigh, and explain:

"Listen, guys, this bitch has put me through hell and back for my entire stay here. I want to pay her back for every fucking minute I have spent stressed, in pain, or in some other uncomfortable scenario. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to find a place where no one can hear her scream." I say, turning to leave the cave, when suddenly, Mizzy stops me.

"Hey, Mal, I think I might have a place she can stay while you exact your revenge on her in this cave." Mizzy says, stopping me. I don't know why, but I like the sound of that. Maybe I'm just used to being around here.

"Well? Where is it?" I ask, looking around. I'm actually surprised that there is any tunnels in this cave, seeing as how it just looked like a single giant room, but I was wrong. As soon as I ask, Mizzy shoves a boulder out of the way, revealing a glowing tunnel with heat blasting out of it. No fucking wonder this cave was so warm, she had her own magma cavern!

"And you're showing me this now?" I ask, and Mizzy smiles.

"Yes. You see, I sealed this cave off because I had no use for it. You, however, have the perfect use for it. Plus, it suits you!" Mizzy says, and I'm inclined to believe her. It was bright inside, and I like heat. The warmer, the better, I say.

"Well, I could use a place like this... but why seal it off with a boulder?" I ask, not amused by the inefficiency of blocking off a perfectly good room.

"I dunno, I just thought I would never use it, so why not? Well, it's yours now, so do what you want with it." Mizzy says, and I drag Twilight's unconscious body inside, and look around. Very volcanic-looking, and very, very hot, though the ground isn't burning, likely due to the magma being really, really far down in the chasms. In short, it's my kind of place. So, realizing I can work with this, I wave Mizzy off, set Twilight down, and begin to wake her up.

"Uhn... Where... am I?" Twilight groans, trying to get up, but then realizing that her hands and hooves are bound.

"What is this!? Wha..? Malideus!" She exclaims, looking up at me.

"Yes?" I ask innocently, trying to make the most of this. God, this is going to be fun.

"Don't act innocent! What are you doing, tying me up? Where are we?" Twilight asks, looking around.

"Welcome... To my lair!" I say in my deepest, scariest voice, but Twilight does not seem impressed.

"Malideus, you have ten seconds to untie me before this gets ugly." Twilight threatens, but I laugh at the foolish attempt to scare me.

"Ha! You have no power, I took it all! Now that you have nothing, I suppose you won't be needing this." I say, grabbing her horn.

"Woah! Hey! Don't do that!" Twilight cries, trying to pull her head away.

"Do what? This?" I say, bending the horn in an effort to break it, and Twilight starts screaming in pain, tears running down her face.

"Stop! Please!" She begs, and I stop.

"Well, it appears I have found your weakness, little one. Shall we do that again?" I ask, and Twilight starts panicking and shaking her head.

"No! Please, just stop!" She pleads, but I just keep laughing as I grip her horn again, and she stares in horror as I start to force it.

"W-why would you do this?" She asks tearfully, and I respond:

"You put me through hell, brat. It's time I returned the favor." I say, but Twilight puts on a brave face, and tries to be a hero.

"You may torture me, Malideus, but I won't tell you anything! You hear me? ANYTHING!" She exclaims, but I just laugh, shocking her.

"You really think that your petty information is what I want?! As soon as I'm done here, I won't need any spies or secret passages, or anything like that! As soon as I have your horn, I'm going to summon something so big, so destructive, that your walls and soldiers will be cast aside like chaff before it!" I explain, and Twilight seems to take exception to this.

"What? You can't just take it! It's not right!" she says, but I pay her no mind.

"Begging won't help you, not anymore." I say, and Twilight seems to be on the verge of crying as I force her horn some more. Then, after one last pull, the horn snaps, and Twilight cries out in pain and shock, then falls to the ground and curls into the fetal position, crying her eyes out. I, however, do not laugh. Instead, I just feel sick to my stomach, like I can't stand to watch this scene; maybe I'm just not ready to torture people on my own yet. However, I never pass up an opportunity to gloat, so I get it over with:

"Aww, don't cry, princess, I'll make sure to put your horn to excellent use." I say, holding the bleeding horn in my hand.

"I hope you burn in a fiery pit of cobras, you bastard!" Twilight screams, blood and tears mixing on her face, giving her a really scary appearance. I really hope she doesn't die here; I already hate ghosts, and I don't want anything like THAT haunting me.

"The cobras would burn too, you dumb bitch." I say, walking out of the cave.

"Where are you going? Don't walk away from me!" Twilight screams, thrashing, and I stop, finally fed up with this. I then turn around, raise my hand, and lift her into the air telekinetically, choking her.

"You have no power over me, and you would be wise to remember that!But if it is your desire to witness the instrument of your demise, then so be it!" I say, dropping her. Then I walk out, dragging the coughing, bleeding alicorn behind me. As soon as I exit the cave, I walk to the circle, Mizzy and Whip in tow, and crush the horn in my hands, so that the pieces can be tossed into the circle.

"Stand back." I say simply, and the two oblige. Then I begin the chant before I toss the crushed horn into the circle:

"Sinoto cimotum nikosos demonica!" I shout, tossing the crushed bits of horn into the circle, which is now glowing red. A second passes, and then the air within the circle begins to crackle with red electricity, and fire and ash launches up from the ground, scorching the ceiling, and then the whole damn circle exploded, sending me flying into Twilight. Let me tell you, it was a rough, painful landing... for her. After the explosion, a cloud of ash remains just floating there, obscuring something. But what? Ooh, I just have to know! Suddenly, the cloud fades, and reveals... a short, red, reptilian creature with a whip-like tail, a bedraggled mane along its back, the horns of a dragon and the posture of a monkey. I had just summoned a devil. Before I could loose my rage upon Whip, who was closest to my pimp-hand, the devil starts coughing from the settling ash, and looks around, finds me, and speaks in some kind of high-pitched, Philadelphian accent.

"What's the big idea, ya bum!? Dragging me outa my pit, at this hour, when I have work in a few hours!? What's tha matter with ya's!?" The devil demands, stomping his feet. Twilight, however, just laughs.

"Some use of my horn, you moron! How is THAT supposed to be the downfall of our civilization!?" She says, laughing until tears come out of her eyes.

"Shut up!" I yell, kicking her This has to be some kind of cruel, cosmic joke. I work my ass off to get all the ingredients, capture Twilight, and go through the stupid ritual, and THIS is what I get!? Before I can exact my full anger, though, the devil eyes Twilight with contempt, and goes off.

"Yeah, listen to the wizard, ya freak! I ain't no dandy-dick demon, but I'm still a charm-breaker, dammit, and I'll still whip ya until you's all kinds a' red, comprende'?" The devil says, and I find myself liking him already. Twilight, however, does not. My partners, in turn, adore him.

"He's so adorable!" Mizzy squees, shrinking down to my height.

"I like his claws..." Whip says, blushing. Immediately, the devil turns to them, and blushes himself, practically drooling, for reasons it shouldn't be too hard to guess.

"Well, you's ladies ain't too bad lookin' yerselves..." he says, and I cough, returning all attention to me. I like the guy, I really do, but I have a problem: I need a demon, not a devil. Demons kill, and devils just... annoy. You see my predicament; he has to go.

"Look, I don't know what I screwed up on to make you appear, but I've got to send you back." I say, but the devil before me harrumphs, as if I offended him.

"Listen, pal, I want to get outa here as bad as you want me out, but you're kinda stuck with me." He says, and my blood pressure spikes a little.

"What!?" I demand, ready to slap someone.

"I said you're stuck with me. You used a pretty powerful reagent to summon me, and that warrants results: I'm stuck here, and you're just gonna have to live with that. You need that in writin' or somethin', genius?" he says, and I give up.

"Ugh... I hate my life..." I say, facepalming. "Alright, well if I'm stuck with you, can I at least know what you're good at?" I ask, not really interested, but hey, why not?

"Well, if you's gots to know, the name's Kelias, and I'm a grade-A charm-breaker, so I can do three things with the best of 'em: sniff out magic, torture people, an' break shit. Ya got anything that needs breakin'?" The devil asks, and I feel a little better about my situation, but still cheated. I wanted a fucking 9-foot demon of death and carnage, not some psychotic magic detector. Still, I've been in worse situations, and made the best out of them. Who's to say this won't turn out even better for me?

"No, I don't have... well, there is one thing you could do..." I say ponderously, and Kelias perks up.

"Well? Spit it out, ya tool!" he says, and I point to Twilight, a wicked, evil idea brewing in my head.

"You see that dumb virgin over there?" I ask, and Twilight takes immediate offense.

"Hey!!! I can hear you, you know!" She says, but I pay her no mind.

"Yeah, I see her. Kinda hard to miss that kind of figure..." Kelias says lustfully, unnerving me, but this is exactly what I was hoping for, so I continue:

"Well, she has defied me one too many times, but I find myself far too busy to torture her myself. You want to be useful? Well, there's your opportunity." I say, and Kelias grins evilly, rubbing his hands.

"Yeah, I can do that... So, like, is that all you need?" He asks, and I smile.

"For now." I say, and Kelias chuckles menacingly, and Twilight gulps.

"W-wait, you can't be serious! Look, if you let me go, I won't go after you ever again! Promise! Please?" Twilight begs, but I ignore her.

"You have your orders, Kelias. Make that bitch squeal like a piglet." I say, and Kelias laughs, cracking his knuckles.

"You know, pal, I usually don't follow my first orders... but I can make an exception here." He says, and Twilight starts panicking.

"Look, I'm sorry for what pinkie did, I shouldn't have locked you down there with her! But you can't be serious about doing this!" She says, and I just laugh as Kelias materializes a whip of fire in his hands, attracting the attention of Whip, and begins to drag the blubbering alicorn off.

"Oh, I am. By the way, I think this devil likes you! Good luck surviving!" I say, ironically quoting her speech when she left me with Pinkie Pie. Like I said, I figured this would turn out better than my original plan. Sure, I don't have a demon, but Twilight is going to suffer immensely, and I finally have someone to keep Whip happy. Plus, devils are notoriously stealthy and destructive, like termites, but for more than wood. So, in a way, I just accomplished something even better than my previous plan. Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by Mizzy, who was now right beside me, looking apologetic.

"Sorry you didn't get that Deathdealer like you wanted, Mal..." She says, but I just laugh, catching her off guard.

"Oh, don't be. In a way, I got something even better." I say, smiling as I think of the horrible pain Kelias was probably putting Twilight through.

"Well, as long as you're happy." Mizzy says, patting my shoulder.

"Trust me, Mizzy, I am certainly NOT happy about this: I was just cheated out of a surefire victory over those fetid ponies, but I'm resourceful. I'll survive this blunder, just like I've survived everything else." I say, patting her head.

"Now, be a dear and let me sleep, because I've had a long day, and I feel like tomorrow's just going to be longer." I say, sitting against a wall. I want to sleep, and I do, but I don't sleep well. All night, I feel some kind of dark presence in my dreams searching me, evaluating me, and I don't like it, yet I cannot wake up, like whatever is sizing me up is also keeping me asleep. Finally, after a while, likely around midnight, I wake up, except, well, I'm not really awake. I'm somehow in my own head, in some kind of night-themed antechamber. Stars line the ceiling, dark blue drapes and carpet, the whole nine yards. So here I am, and I see someone at the far end, looking at a window that's displaying...

My memories!? What the hell!? Talk about invasion of privacy! I almost go up and give the interloper a piece of my mind, no pun intended, but I stop dead when I see her: long, dark blue dress, flowing, starry mane... Oh dear god, I'm dealing with Luna herself. Will my bad luck ever end? Anyway, I must have attracted her attention, because she then turns to me, sadness and pity on her face. How dare this wench pity me!? Anyway, she looks at me for a while, then speaks:

"So, you found your way into my domain, Malideus. However, you are too late. I know everything." She says, and I feel a panic attack coming on. I don't know what she's talking about, or even how I got here, but no one looks through my personal biz and gets away with it! NO ONE!!!

"Those memories are mine, witch! I don't know how you got in here, but this is your eviction notice, you pest!" I say, clenching my fists.

"Why must you be like that, Chris? You have no reason to hate us." She says, and I almost go off on her, but I freeze. Did she just use my real name?

"Yes, Chris, I know everything about you, from your birth to your arrival here, and I know who and what you are, and I see what you are going to become if you continue this path." Luna says, and I feel my rage building, and the ground starts to tremble a little.

"You... Know... NOTHING!!!" I yell, lunging at her, but the princess vanishes, appearing right behind me.

"I do know, Chris. I have seen your true face, and , though odd, it is nothing to hide. You are kind and noble at heart, so why be so cruel?" She says, and I get angrier. This princess must not leave with these secrets!

"I am not good, or kind, and I'm not hiding anything! You know too much, princess, and shall not leave with these secrets!" I say, amassing a giant ball of fire, and I launch it at Luna, but she waves it away like an illusion, and walks up to me, placing her hands on my helmet, and pulling it off. I try to get it back, but the helmet vanishes, and I start to feel really insecure.

"You have nothing to hide, Chris. You may think you are evil, but your actions only attract greater threats, ones that pose a risk to your true self." Luna explains to me, and I start to panic.

"I don't... I don't need your pity!" I yell, pushing Luna away. "I don't like you, any of you, especially not you!" I say, but Luna does not relent. Jeez, can't these people figure out that no means no?

"You clearly do not understand your situation. Already, word of your atrocious acts is spreading, and other kingdoms are realizing your potential for destruction. But you are not a weapon, Chris. I know that you had a hard life in your world, but you should not take it out on us. You are not a monster, you are a good being, though you refuse to see it. Release Twilight, undo your work, and we can help you." She says, extending her hand to me. I think about taking it, but I don't want her friendship. I set out to rid my world of this abomination of a show, and I intend to see it done. That in mind, I shove Luna's hand away, and I glare daggers at her.

"No. I don't care who's out for my blood, they'll all scatter when I've burned your cities to the ground! Now, leave the memories here, or I'll put YOU to sleep... permanently!" I say, cracking my knuckles. Luna, though, just sighs, shaking her head.

"You have much to learn, Chris... But I alone can not stop you. Maybe we can speak again, when you have learned the truth. Until then, none will hear of this meeting." Luna says, and before I can react, I wake up in Mizzy's cave, in the waking world. I feel my head, and sigh with relief when I find my helmet is still there. It's official, I can never sleep again for now, but I can once I destroy Luna. I look around as I think this, and see Mizzy on her hoard, but no one else. So, I go into the magma room, to see how the torture is going. When I get there, I see many things, none of which appeal to me: Twilight is hanging by her hands in her underwear, looking much worse for wear, but Kelias is not whipping her, but instead has his attention on Whip, who is tied down and seeming to be enjoying herself immensely as Kelias is pulling the same torture on her as he was supposed to be doing to Twilight. Needless to say, I am not amused.

"And what the hell is this?" I ask, and everything stops, except Twilight, who's unconscious.

"Oh... hello, sir..." Whip says shyly, blushing furiously, while Kelias tries to hide the whip behind his back.

"Kelias, you have three seconds to explain what the hell is going on before I go ballistic." I say, and Kelias clears his throat.

"Well, ya see, Twilight here passed out after givin' me some info, and I end up gettin' bored, and then Whip here comes up, an'..." He says, but I interrupt him.

"I don't care anymore! What was the information?" I ask, and Kelias perks up.

"Well, boss, before the dumb broad passed out, see, she'd muttered somethin' about " HearthsWarmin', or somethin'. Sounds like Christmas to me, by the way she described it, but either way, she said she had to be there to set it up, or it was gonna be a disaster, see?" Kelias says, and I suddenly get a very, evil, cunning, and, pardon my reference, Grinchy idea.

"Well, It is certainly already a shame we have to hold her for such a grand occasion... But wouldn't it just be tragic if someone were to 'accidentally', oh, I don't know... steal it?" I say, getting a brilliant idea.

"I guess so, but I don't see how you's can steal an entire holiday from 'em..." Kelias says, and I just laugh.

"Oh, just leave the planning to me. In the meantime, please untie Whip, I might need her later." I say, and I walk out into the main area of the cave, looking out over the snow-covered forest. I still remembered the... interesting, meeting with Luna as I looked, but I waived the memory off. I was going to be this world's destruction, and no one, not even a goddess, could possibly stop me.

"Time to steal Christmas..." I mutter, thinking about my next course of action.

Ch.11- Merry Christmas, you heathens!

"This isn't going to do anything, you know that, right?" Mizzietta oh-so-helpfully says, and I roll my eyes.

"I have to do this! This close to Christmas, if I don't do it, the viewers will go ballistic!" I say... wait, what did I just say?! 'Viewers'? What did that stupid princess do to my head?! Ugh, anyway, Mizzy starts looking at me like she's wondering the same thing I am.

"Uh... What?" She asks.

"I don't know, Mizzy, I..." I tried to tell her about the princess, but something told me that would just create more complications. It didn't sound like my inner voice, but I heeded it nonetheless, for reasons unknown to me.

"... I must have hit my head on something last night. We seriously need some furniture in here!" I say, but Mizzy doesn't seem convinced.

"Yeah... anyway, I still don't think you should do this. Attacking them outright is okay. This, though... I think your scraping the barrel, Mal." She says, and I almost slap her. But I don't, because part of me knows she's right. Still, I have to protest.

"Mizzietta, I've been working hard for this. I've been practicing my teleportation spell for three days for this heist, and I finally got it to stop teleporting me halfway into the wall. I worked my ass off to be able to do this, so I'm gonna do it. Got it?" I ask, and she reluctantly nods.

"Fine, but when this fails, don't come crying to me."

"It won't fail, just you see. Soon, I'll be looking down over their town, and I know just what they'll do. All the ponies in Ponyville will all cry 'boo hoo'! Now, that's a noise," said myself, "That I simply must hear!" I said, thinking of all the unhappy faces and teary eyes that will come of this. First, though, comes phase 1: the set-up.

"Whip, get get over here!" I yell, and Whip walks out of the torture chamber (as I call it now) and snaps a salute. I have to say, I admire her optimism.

"Sir?" She asks.

"Whip, I need you to assume a form for me. Go and get Twilight, now." I say, and Whip leaves, then returns a second later with an unconscious, beat-up-looking Twilight, and placing her in front of me.

"What did you need her here for?" Mizzy asks, and I smile, replying:

"Well, I'm going to pull a switcheroo, but I have to see if there are any flaws in appearance, Lord knows I can't trust you two to do anything by yourselves." I say, remembering the time I had to save Mizzy from prison.

"Mal, that's pretty smart and all, but what are you hoping to accomplish by this?" She asks, and I sigh.

"It's not the holiday I want, Mizzietta, It's merely a fortuitous circumstance. If you must know, I wish to use the holiday as a diversion, so I may strike directly at the mane six, and maybe the princesses, should they show up." I explain, and realization fills Mizzy's face.

"Mal, that's slightly less dumb! I'm proud of you!" she exclaims endearingly, and I groan in annoyance.

"I don't need your opinion, Mizzy!" I say. "I just need Whip to impersonate Twilight, sabotage the festival, and get the remaining five together! Then, I'll have all the leverage I need to bring them all to their knees." I say, and Mizzy smiles.

"See, there's the Mally I know and love!" Mizzy says, and I grumble, blushing under my helmet. God, I wish she would stop using pet names!

"Mizzy, we discussed the use of the 'L word', particularly, to STOP USING IT." I say, and Mizzy laughs.

"Oh, come on, Mal, I thought you got over your xenophobia..." she says.

"It's not the irrational fear of the unknown, Mizzy, it's the perfectly rational fear of you molesting me." I explain, and then I walk to the edge of the cave mouth, and stare at the village in the distance. I can't see them, but I know all ponies are snug in their homes, and I was stuck in a cave, and unfortunately not quite alone. I always hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season, but don't ask me why, 'cuz I don't quite know the reason. Maybe it was that my boots were always too tight, or perhaps that my henchmen could do nothing right. But everyone thinks, the best reason of all, was just that my heart was two sizes, too small. Whatever the reason, my heart or my cronies, I stared down at Ponyville, hating the ponies.

As I finish my thoughts, I walk back into the cave, eager to begin my plans.

"Sir, are you okay?" I hear Twilight say. Wait, Twilight!? I look to the source, magic ready... and there's two Twilights, much to my shock. However, one is fully clad and pristine, and the other is just like I left her: half-naked and scarred all over. I sigh with relief, remembering the order I gave Whip, and drop my defenses as I address her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Now, if there are no more potential heart attacks to go through, Whip, go put Twilight back in the chamber. as for you two, let's go over the plan, people." I say, gathering my remaining minions close as Whip hauls Twilight off.

"Alright, we are about to undergo phase one of operation Grinch. This will involve two people: Whip and Kelias. I will survey, and strike when the time comes. For now, though, your goal is stealth: Whip will impersonate Twilight and distract the populace. Kelias, you and me will sneak around town and set up remote-activated fire runes on the houses. You can do that, can't you?" I ask, and Kelias snorts irritably.

"Of course I can! Whadaya take me fer, some two-bit imp? I'll have half th' town rigged before ya can say 'Disco Inferno'!" Kelias says, and I nod.

"Good. Mizzy and I will sneak into the homes and take whatever we can, and then we'll activate the runes once we've visited every house. Kelias, I expect you to also have some loot when we're done, as well. Whip, when we activate the runes, you are not to return to your real form. Instead, run away as Twilight, and make sure you've lost everyone before returning here. Does everyone understand?" I ask, and Mizzy raises her hand.

"What is it, Mizzy..?" I sigh.

"Yeah, what exactly does this accomplish?" she asks, and, for once, I laugh.

"Fear, Mizzy, It will cause fear. When their homes burn and their possessions are gone, they will have nothing. Where will their hope and 'friendship' be then?" I ask as Whip returns, just in time to hear my plan.

"Geniuuuus!" Whip sings, and even Kelias nods in approval.

"I get to burn things. I like this plan already!" Kelias says, smiling, but then he drops a pretty heavy question on me:

"However, I gots somethin' ta ask ya's: Mind if I invite some pals?" He asks, and I ponder this for a second. More devils meant more mayhem. Normally, I'd want that, but I'm trying to have some subtlety. Then again, only Santa or the Grinch himself could possibly cover the whole town in one night by themselves. I needed help, and it seemed that devils were going to be my new little helpers. How ironic. Nonetheless, I need the help, so I accept.

"Alright, but none of them better explode! I need absolute stealth if we're to pull this off!" I say, and Kelias laughs.

"Dun' worry 'bout it, they'll be quiet as mice. Giant, cackling, pyromaniacal mice, but mice nonetheless." He says, not exactly granting me any relief, but what the hell? Devils are better than nothing, I guess. Mizzy, however, hates the idea.

"Mal, I'll be real with you: I hate that idea, and strongly advise against this whole plan." she says. Jeez, what a Grinch.

"Mizzy, why must you be such a fun Nazi?" I ask, and Mizzy gets flustered.

"I don't know what a 'Nazi' is, Mal, but if you're going to be doing something this stupid, I'm not helping." Mizzy says, and I get pissed.

"Fine. Then stay here, but I'm going through with this." I say, and Mizzy stands down, but I can tell she isn't happy.

"Now, you two get into positions, I will be there soon." I say, and they both nod. Then, Whip flies off, carrying Kelias with her. I then move to go, but Mizzy stops me.

"Mal, don't do this. I've done a few things with you, and we got through them, but I can not, no, WILL NOT condone this." Mizzy says, and I sigh, not wanting to argue this.

"Mizzy, Why are you so against me doing this? It's one job, how hard could it be?" I ask.

"It's not the job, Mal! It's just... it used to be just us! And you know what, Mal? I liked it that way. I liked it when it was just you and me, against the world. But now, you've turned it into a full-blown war. Masochistic spies, summoning demons, torture... it's not you! I remember when you used to be fun, Mal! But now... It's like you're trying too hard to be someone else." She says, and it strikes me hard. But why? I was just doing what was evil. What was I doing wrong?

"What do you mean? I'm trying to be everything you wanted me to be! You wanted evil, so here it is!" I say, but Mizzy seems to tear up.

"I didn't want evil, Mal... I wanted fun! I just wanted you to be fun, with me! Mal, I don't want armies, or more acquaintances... I just wanted you!" She says, but I still do not understand her woman-talk.

"I don't understand. I thought you said you wanted me to be badder." I say.

"I never said that! I only said you could be the best villain ever! But now... you're just a monster." She says, her words striking my heart with a fury.

"I don't want Malideus any more... I want my Mal!" She says, removing my helmet. I want to put it back on, but part of me says not to. We sit there for a while, not moving an inch, and then Mizzy does something so far out field, I actually jump: Mizzy, out of nowhere, grabs my face, and kisses me, deeply and passionately. She goes a while, and finally stops, eyeing me longingly.

"Mal... stop trying. Just be you!" She says, and I realize something: she might be right. I've been trying to be evil too hard, and have neglected myself in the process. Evil can be without fun, just as easily as good can, and it took a dragon french-kissing me to realize that. Wow, I need to work on my self-evaluation skills.

"Well, what should I do then?" I ask, but Mizzy smiles, then shrugs.

"I don't know. What would Mal do?" she says, and I know exactly what I'm going to do.

"Mizzy, how long do you think it'll take those two to reach Ponyville?" I ask.

"Hmm... I'd guess two hours, minimum. Why?" She asks.

"No reason..." I say, and I then try to return her kiss, but it's kinda awkward, for millions of reasons, the most prominent being that A: she's a freaking dragon, and B: I've never actually kissed a girl before. Hey, I was a goody-goody before, and we all know that good guys don't get laid in real life. Nonetheless, Mizzy seems to enjoy it, and she giggles when I'm done.

"Dude, I think you should let me do the kissing." She says, causing me no end of embarrassment.

"Hey, I've never tried being 'fun' before." I say.

"I can see that." She says, still giggling. "Thankfully for you, you have me to guide you." She says, putting a hand on my chest.

"Do we have time?" I ask.

"We have about two hours..." she says, Pushing me down gently. Then, she grabs my robe, and lifts it off of me.

"I'll take it." I say as Mizzy gets on top, her tail swaying playfully.

"I know you will, little man." She says sultrily, bouncing her chest slightly. The dragoness then removes my underpants, and the rest of the event is an exhausting, two-hour blur. Nonetheless, for once, I don't feel disgusted or violated at the end, just very tired. Nonetheless, I know I have to get dressed, and get to the town, because that's where everyone is.

"Come on, Mizzy, we have work to do." I say, and she fake whines, turning over.

"Aww, do we have to? The devil said he was calling for backup, let's just screw around some more." She says, and I want to, but I know I have to be there, or those two are going to fuck something up and cost me another trip to Canterlot.

"No, Mizzy, we have to get what we can, especially a bed. I know you like it, but I hate sleeping on a stone floor." I explain, walking to the cave mouth.

"Oh, fine, you big baby." Mizzy says, getting up and returning to her normal size and form. I then get on her back, and we're off. It doesn't take long before we reach minimal safe distance from the town. Then, I brush myself off, and prepare to make an appearance.

"Mizzy, would you kindly accompany me to the stage when I make my move?" I ask, and she shrinks down and takes my arm in hers.

"Thought you'd never ask." she says, and we begin our trek to Ponyville. We arrive soon, and Mizzy goes off to complete her given task. Easy enough, as I see the residents of this pathetic little squat huddled around the stage, as a play is going on. I then begin walking off, when something bumps into me, knocking us both over.

"Watch where you're going, you idiot!" I whisper harshly, then I see what my assailant is: a devil.

"What the..? Kelias?! What the hell, man!?" I ask, but the devil cocks his head quizzically, then speaks in a rumbling, cackling voice:

"Kelias? No, you've got me mistaken, bro. Kelias is my cousin. He's back at the bakery with four others." He says, and I notice my blunder: Kelias had horns like thunderbolts, and a short, reptilian snout. This one had darker skin, and a rounder, jagged and more fish-like head, full of long, fang-like teeth that barely fit in his mouth. Then, I notice another thing: He said there were more.

"Just how many of you did he summon..?" I ask, and the devil shrugs.

"Eh, he got the whole pit out here, so, uh, around five hundred, I guess?" He says, and I come thiiiis close to flipping my ever-loving shit.

"Where is he?" I demand, and the devil points to the bakery, where I take my leave of the new devil. FIVE HUNDRED DEVILS!? What is this, a war zone?! I soon make my way to the bakery, where, indeed, Kelias is debriefing several devils, an I go up and pick him up by his scrawny neck, surprising him.

"FIVE HUNDRED DEVILS!? You said a 'few friends', not a FUCKING ARMY!" I yell, shaking him.

"Yikes! Cool it, boss, I was just doing what ya told me, honest!" He says, and I drop him.

"I never said to summon your whole damned pit! Now send them back!" I demand. Honestly, I don't even know how he summoned five hundred of his brethren, but I know that if he got them here, he can send them back.

"But boss, we need them!" Kelias says, and I start getting inquisitive.

"How so?" I ask.

"We's needin' them for the houses! You's said it yourself, we need loot! So I figured, what faster way to do that quickly AND set up the traps than by gettin' the pit?" He explains, and I think about this. In a way, he's right, and no one seems to notice it yet, so I could likely pull this off. Plus, if things get hairy, I can (hopefully) count on them to get me out.

"I suppose it couldn't be avoided... Just make sure that they get the loot! I have evil to do." I say, turning about. I then walk back to the main square, where the play is still going on, hopefully near the end. Then, I see Whip, who's still in Twilight's form,sitting off to the side. I then creep closer, hiding behind buildings, and beckon her over. However, she doesn't seem to hear me the first five times I call her, so I do the first (and funnest) idea to pop into my head: I pick up some snow, mold it into a spherical shape, and throw it with all my might at her, causing her to fall over, look around bewilderedly, and finally focus on me. I then motion her to me, and she obeys.

"What the heck, Whip? It took a snowball to get you to look over here!" I say, and she looks embarrassed.

"Sorry, sir..." She says simply, and I groan in annoyance.

"Whatever, at least you kept them busy. Did you rig the play?" I ask, and Whip looks like I spoke Spanish.

"Rig the play? Wasn't that Kelias's job?" She asks, and that one sentence causes me to grip my head in an effort to keep it from exploding.

"You... stupid... little... Grah! I have to do everything myself!" I say loudly, while still making sure no one else hears me. However, I look past Whip, and see that a single pony has noticed me: Fluttershy. However, she quickly turns her head as soon as she sees that I see her. Well, there goes my hopes for not getting pinned for this.

"Change of plans, Whip. When the play ends, get on stage." I say, and Whip looks at me questioningly.

"Why, sir?" she asks.

"Don't ask questions! Something has happened, and I need to improvise. Just address the crowd, and then I'll do the rest." I say, walking away. I can see that she's getting flustered over her new orders, but I don't care, it's all part of the fun. Before I can find Mizzy, though, A devil with the distinct voice of a black man (I'm not racist!) runs up to me, stopping me.

"Yo, Boss, Kelias and the others got done with that thing you wanted. All the houses got looted and rigged, and Kelias wants to know when to set 'em off." The devil says, and I sigh. At least one thing went right today.

"Get back to the cave. I'll activate them when I'm ready." I say, and the Devil rushes off to tell Kelias. Then, I wander the town in search of Mizzy, and after a while of fruitless searching, I finally catch her in the market square, stuffing her face with... gems? Confused I walk up to her, and she must have heard me, because she then jumps, and turns around, quickly hiding her stash.

"Oh, Mal... Weren't you supposed to be at a play or something?" She fearfully asks.

"Were you just eating jewels?" I ask.

"Uh... Yeah... Well, you see..." She begins, but I interrupt her, not wanting to hear it.

"Look, I don't care. Did you get the loot like I said, you know, WITHOUT eating it?" I ask, and she blushes.

"I only ate the gems! Did you not know that we eat them?" She asks.

"Did you not hear me say I didn't care? Look, we have a problem. I was talking to Whip, and I got spotted by one of them. We need to get on with this, now. Come with me." I say, and I grab Mizzy's arm, hauling her to the main square with me, despite her protests. As soon as I reach the play area, I see that the actors are taking a bow, and everyone is applauding. I was this close to missing my chance, but I made it! Now, it was time to make an entrance. As soon as the clapping dies down, I get into character, and start clapping myself, my gauntlets clanging together like the bells of hell, and attracting the attention of every pony in the square.

"Bravo, very touching. Quite the play, if I do say so myself." I say, despite having seen absolutely none of it.

"You again? How many times do we have to kick your butt before you give up?" Rainbow Dash says, getting up.

"Enough yammerin'! let's get 'im!" Applejack says, and the other three get up, ready to rush, me.

"Oh, please, sit down! I'm not here to declare war, but rather express peace! After all, 'tis the season to be jolly'!" I say, surprising everyone, even Mizzy.

"What? What are you trying, Malideus?" Rarity asks as I walk to the stage.

"What, just because I'm an evil wizard, I can't be festive every once in a while?" I ask, but no one answers. Clearly, there are some minds in the gutter. Nonetheless, I get on stage, and begin my speech.

"Well, if you all must know, Where I come from, we celebrate a similar holiday as this, called Christmas. And, like this "Hearthswarming", I hate every second of it! All the happiness, and the cheer, so that's why I've taken the liberty of giving you all something very special! They say that friendship can over come anything, right?" ask.

"Yeah, what's your point?" Rainbow Dash asks.

"My point, you heathen, is that friendship is weak! And since you worship it soooo much, let's see your friendship get you out of this!" I say, focusing my magic on the nearest rune. I can see it, mentally, and I focus my power on detonating it. It feels awesome and challenging, but to the outside viewers, it looks more like I'm trying to take a massive shit.

"Uh, what exactly are you trying to do?" Someone asks.

"Maybe he's finally trying to get rid of all his hot gas!" Rainbow Dash shouts, laughing hysterically, followed by everyone, even Mizzy. Yeah, it's not my most glorious moment, but I still pay no attention, and I finally get the rune to detonate, causing a resounding explosion, and the whole house goes up in flames, attracting the attention of the now-horrified crowd.

"My house!" Someone cries from the crowd, and now, it is ME who is laughing at THEIR discomfort!

"Oh, don't worry about your things, by the way. I assure you, they're in good hands now." I say, and everyone flips out. Then, I proceed to detonate the rest of them, one at a time, which is surprisingly easy now that I know what I'm doing, so I don't look constipated anymore.

"Malideus, you monster! Twilight, you have to stop him!" Rarity says as I finish burning the town, but Fluttershy whimpers, as if about to say something. While they wonder what's going on with her, "Twilight" walks up to me, and the five start to cheer, but then seem horrified when she stops, and I put my arm around her.

"Yes, Twilight, stop me from committing these atrocities." I mock, and Whip just smiles, doing nothing.

"What the..?" The five ask in unison, all their hopes dashed.

"Like I said, friendship is overrated. Now, who wants to 'take the dive' and bow first?" I say, and the crowd begins looking at each other, completely defeated. Even the Mane six, sans Twilight, now look worried about their future. Then, I begin to walk away, 'Twilight' in tow.

"Well, It's been fun, my friends, but now, I've got to-" I say, when a familiar voice interrupts me, making my blood run cold.

"Stop right there, Malideus!" Shouts Twlight, in pretty much the same way I left her. Then everyone gets confused, and I can only watch as my whole plan slips through my fingers.

"Wh-wha... I... How..." I stutter like an idiot as Twilight stumbles forth, grasping her various wounds, but not even noticing the cold. And for some dumb reason, everyone seems to know that she's the real Twilight, further dampening my plans.

"Yikes, Twilight, What'd he do to you?" Applejack asks.

"That's not important right now. Right now, he and an army of devils are going to destroy the town... oh." she says, looking at the burning ruins.

"You're a tad late for that part, Twilight. But still, how the fuck did you get out of my lair!?" I ask.

"That's easy, Malideus. I awoke after you dragged me out of your torture chamber, and heard your whole plan. So, after you had me put back in, I used a stalagmite to break my bonds and escape! I then made my way to Ponyville after three hours of wandering, and now I have you!" she says, and my heart starts sinking.

"But... the devils..." I mutter.

"I evaded them easily. Now, Malideus, You and your changeling friend have nowhere to run!" she says, and Whip changes back to her original form, her ruse up.

"Aaw..." Whip says, disheartened. I, however, remain optimistic.

"Actually, you are wrong, Twilight! I can easily escape you." I say, shocking everyone.

"What? I just said you had nowhere to run!" She says.

"I do, actually: That way." I say, pointing to my left. Then, while they're all looking, I run to the right, dragging Whip with me. So I'm running, with the whole town chasing me with torches and pitchforks. I finally reach Mizzy later, after and hour of running, and explain my situation to her:

"Mizzy... *Gasp*... Town... *wheeze*... Colossal... Failure... *Pant*... Need... Escape!" I wheeze out, and Mizzy looks at me like I'm on drugs.

"Um, yeah, could you try explaining that like you didn't run a marathon?" She asks, and Whip takes over:

"The whole town is trying to kill us and we need an escape!" She says, and Mizzy just looks at me cynically.

"Yes, I see. And before I save your butt AGAIN, who here said this would be a bad Idea?" She asks.

"Mizzy, I don't need this right now..." I say.

"You do if you want my help. Now say it."

"No!"

Say it, Mal."

"Fuck you, Dinosaur!"

"Say it, or I'm ditching." Mizzy finally threatens, and I see no other option but to eat my pride.

"YOU WERE RIGHT, OKAY!? You said this was a bad idea, and I didn't listen! Now get me out of here!" I yell, and Mizzy smiles.

"There, that wasn't too hard, now was it?" She says, returning to normal size.

"Maybe I can still go back and beg them to take me back to prison..." I ponder aloud as me and Whip get on Mizzy's back.

"Whatever, Mal, I still got my Christmas wish." Mizzy says, lifting off. The trip back was then filled with nothing but smiles for Mizzietta, and depression for me. Why can't I do anything right!? Finally, after some Lamenting on my part, we arrive at the cave, where whole stacks of loot await us. Mizzy, upon seeing this, seems to have revised her wish list.

"Mal, how did you even..?" She says, stunned by the massive piles of stuff I stole.

"A wizard never reveals his secrets, dear. Bet you wish you didn't make me eat my pride now, huh?" I say, and Mizzy just laughs.

"Are you kidding? That was my entire Christmas wish list right there! This is just a bonus." She says, further dousing my self-esteem.

"But still, you did good." She says, and I feel a little better.

"Well, a whole pit of devils helps." I say, and Kelias pops out of nowhere, an entire plate of cookies in his mouth.

"Damn right!" He says before vanishing into his loot pile.

"So, what now?" Whip asks, and I'm for once, stumped.

"Well, we just burned down their entire village, so I say we wait until something comes up." I say, and everyone seems to like this idea.

"Well, it was a fun little Christmas, Mal. I hope we can do it again." Mizzy says.

"Not likely." I say, remembering the excruciating physical activity I had to go through.

"And Mizzy, when the hell did you start celebrating Christmas?" I ask.

"Always, silly. My uncle travels universes, remember?" She says.

"Ah." I retort, remembering her scary-as-hell uncle Bolas. "So, how have you always spent yours?" I ask.

"Well, I usually just roast a village or two and eat the villagers. But now, I just wanna hang out. You?" She asks.

"Well, I never really had any family that was around, since my parents divorced when I was five, so I usually spent it terrorizing other children and building grotesque snowmen." I say, and Mizzy actually seems to feel bad for me. Even Whip, who never actually left (god damn, she's quiet.) hugged me, and, for once, I felt like I needed it.

"That's so sad, sir!" Bawled Whip.

"What's so sad about it? It wasn't the worst thing in the world." I say, more to myself than to her.

"Oh, but it is, You see, my story is not so different; I was just born in an egg clutch and made to serve queen Chrysalis. I never got to celebrate anything, not even my own birthday." She says, and I start to have negative feelings about this "Chrysalis" character.

"Well, whip, you're always welcome to celebrate both of those with us. Right, Malideus?" Mizzietta says, but I didn't exactly catch what she said, as I was too busy thinking about if I should pay Chrysalis a visit or not. Nonetheless, I respond with the maximum of my intelligence:

"Uh, Huh? Oh, sure, whatever."

"Oh, thank you both! I crave to know what such customs involve!" She says, and Mizzy laughs, and I fade out as she starts explaining things to her about... oh, hell, I don't know.

So, I go out to the mouth, and watch the town burning in the distance. In a macabre way, it's kind of beautiful. However, my thoughts are cut short by a sudden feeling of tiredness, and a strong, malevolent presence nearby. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. Nonetheless, it stays, and I soon drift off into sleep, and soon find myself in another meeting with familiar face, and she does NOT look happy with me.

Author's Note

Well, Merry f*cking Christmas, you animal-loving heathens! I have bestowed a new chapter upon you, so feel free to tell me if I'm doing something wrong. NO HATING! I will delete that shit.

Ch.12- The man and the moon

"Luna. any particular reason for this... honor?" I ask, gritting my teeth at the word. This was most certainly NOT an honor, and I would rather pleasure Whip than talk to her, but she seems to think otherwise.

"Chris, do you have any idea what you have just done?" Luna asks.

"I have a couple. Let's see, I kidnapped and tortured princess OCD, I burned Ponyville to the ground, and stole Hearthswarming." I reply, and Luna grits her teeth in anger.

"And you have no remorse for any of that?! What depravity has entered your mind, Chris, that you should turn from one so kind and noble, and shift into... this?! What is this sickness that compels you to be so cruel?" Luna asks, striking several nerves with me.

"There is no sickness in me. You are the sickness! You think that good always triumphs over evil, but good doesn't get the little man jack shit! I lived in an apartment before I got here! I never had a girlfriend! I never got paid any attention! Good is the sickness, Luna! It only benefits those who use it as an excuse to rule! There is no good, Luna, only power and ambition." I say, and Luna seems taken aback by this.

"How could you think such things? Good exists everywhere, in the hearts of those who serve their people, in the deeds they do for everyone else! How could you say that good does not exist?" She says, and I laugh.

"Because, Luna, look at you! You were poised to take over the world, and now you have no ambition, no drive to be anything but number two!" I yell, and Luna seems shocked by my words.

"If you are implying that I am lesser than my sister..."

"Then why do you never question her, Luna? I KNOW that at some point, she has done something questionable, and you have said nothing! All leaders make mistakes, Luna, and this aberration you call a world is one of them! You are weak, and your ideals are shit! Your soldiers, champions, and even your own sister can't handle me, an 18-year-old loser with no remarkable powers to speak of! Your world is soft, and I'm going to fuck it over until it learns how to fight back! And the best part, dear, sweet Luna, is that you, your sister, and your army can do nothing to stop me!" I rant, and Luna seems on the verge of tears. Then, her face fills with determination, and she strikes back.

"You are wrong! I am not my sister, nor my soldiers! You may have defeated them, but you will not defeat me! I will cast down Malideus, and you will see the errors of your ways!" Luna says, and I smile. Her corruption has begun, and my plan is working brilliantly.

"So you say, Luna. But how do I trust in that? What if you are no different than your sister?" I ask, and Luna grumbles something I can't quite catch, but I know it's directed at me.

"I will show you, Chris. I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth myself, and I will defeat you! And when I have, I will show you that good is everywhere, and will always triumph!" She says.

"Ha! I have an army of devils, a dragon, and, of course, myself. The only way you could ever defeat me was if you somehow caught me alone, which will NEVER happen!" I say, then I realize WHAT I said, and facepalm.

"Uh, forget I said that." I say, but Luna smiles.

"Too late." she says, then vanishes, and I wake up, panting and nervous, at the cave mouth, now significantly more paranoid, expressed when Whip grabs my shoulder and I punch her in the face by accident.

"Oh shit! Whip, are you okay!?" I ask, and Whip groans.

"I... I think... I think I came a little..." She moans.

"Ugh, you're fine." I say in 'mild' disgust. Then, Whip gets up and pops her jaw back into place.

"Oh, jeez, sir, where did you learn to punch like that?" Whip asks me, and I have to think about that; It's been ages since I've been asked that question.

"Oh, I learned mixed martial arts when I was 16, always thought I could use it for something, but I guess I just don't like using it, with all the techniques and complicated moves and whatnot." I say, and Whip seems dismayed by my answer.

"Are you kidding!? That sounds awesome! Why have you never used it before?" She asks, and I shrug.

"Like I said, too complicated. Plus, it kinda feels like cheating." I say, and then I realize how dumb that sounded.

"Sir, that's dumb. You should totally use it on your enemies! That punch felt like getting hit by a bolt of lightning! Trust me, I know." Whip says, and I decide I don't want to know. Nonetheless, I realize that she might be right. I don't know why I never used it before, but I think I should give it a shot.

"Well, I don't know, I haven't used it in a really long time..." I say.

"Oh, come on! You just need some practice! Hit me again!" Whip says, and I shrug, get into my stance, then I grapple Whip, flip her upside-down, and slam her headfirst into the ground all in one fluid motion. Then, Mizzy walks out here to see what's going on. Needless to say, she isn't happy with me.

"Mal! Why are you trying to kill the poor changeling?" She asks, pulling Whip, who is now barely conscious, away from me.

"She asked for it!" I said in my defense, but that was stupid: That's something you say when someone's pissing you off.

"Mal, I don't care if she's a masochist, it doesn't make her invincible. What did she do to deserve... whatever that was?" She asks. God, I sure feel embarrassed.

"She told me to hit her." I reply.

"That wasn't hitting, Mal, I'm not even sure WHAT that was!" She says. "But seriously, though, what was that?"

"Mixed martial arts." I respond solemnly.

"Mixed what now?" Mizzy asks.

"Mixed Martial Arts. It's kind of a thing where I'm from." I say, and Mizzy seems interested.

"It looks dangerous. Why haven't you ever told me you could use it?" Mizzy asks, and I shrug.

"Never crossed my mind. Besides, I barely remember how to use it anymore." I say, but Mizzy seems unsatisfied with my answer.

"Sure looks like you know enough to me." she retorts.

"That's not all it is, Mizzy, there's moves and techniques you have to know if you want to be good at it, and I barely remember any of them." I say.

"Well, then let's give you a refresher course; All we need is a training dummy." Mizzy says, and Whip launches upward, hand raised.

"I volunteer!" she shouts, surprising Mizzy and I both.

"She recovers fast!" I say, and Mizzy groans in annoyance.

"Oh, fine. But don't go overboard, I don't want anyone dying." Mizzy says, and after some setting up (and much protest on my part), the refresher course begins. We have a bunch of matresses in replacement of a training mat, and Whip stands at the center of the makeshift arena, refusing to wear padding. She says that it's to 'prevent any restraint of the lesson', but I know the real reason. Hell, we all do. Nonetheless, she stands there, ready for her beat-down.

"I really don't want to go through with this!" I say, but Mizzy pays no attention.

"I don't care. Now, Whip's going to try and pin you, and you're gonna use that mixed marital stuff to defend yourself." She says, and I quickly correct her mistake.

"It's Mixed MARTIAL arts, and I'm not..."

"I don't care. GO!" Mizzy yells, interrupting me, and Whip charges me, but I do nothing. I said no, and I meant it. However, I didn't take into account that changelings have no sense of restraint, and when Whip hit me, she forced me to the mat with enough force to knock the wind out of me, and proceeded to 'grapple' me in the most deliberately sexual ways possible, which kinda pissed me off... and hurt, a lot.

"Come on, Mal, what was that? If you allow Whip to do that again, I'm gonna let her do what she wants to you, you hear me?" Mizzy says, and I gulp at the horrible thought of... well, you know.

So, we get back up, and I intend to just dodge Whip this time, nothing more. So, once again, Whip charges me, and I sidestep, sending her running into a wall. However, before I can turn around, she turns around, and launches at me, grabbing me. She then tries to force me down, but I stand strong, trying to push her off. Jesus Christ, this girl has a grip! Still, I try, but she won't budge, so I decide to use some of my skills to get her off... and I end up flipping her all kinds of ways, and throwing her into a wall, totally by accident. Still, she's out of it, and Mizzy is staring at me like I'd grown a third eye.

"Holy crap, Mal..." She says, and I get defensive.

"Oh no, oh, no no no. This was only a fluke, and I am never doing that again." I say. I am NOT physical, contrary to popular belief, and hand-to-hand combat implies that I'll get hurt too, which I am NOT okay with. Why do you think I've been trying to get some magic this whole time?

"You may have to, Mal, because I think Whip is getting back up." Mizzy says.

"Huh?" I turn, but Whip is still down, and someone tackles me, pinning me to the ground from behind.

"GOD DAMN IT, MIZZY!!!" I shout, struggling, but to little avail.

"Oh, come on, Mal, you had to have had some suspicion." Mizzy says, squeezing me tightly, yet affectionately.

"This isn't funny! I could kill you with this stuff, and then your uncle will kill me!" I shout.

"I doubt it. If you want your freedom, then you have to do it again. otherwise..." Mizzy says, sqeezing me tighter against her chest, and I sigh.

"Fine, but you asked for this!" I shout. Then, with a mighty battle cry, I flip myself over, so that I'M on top of HER, and I break free of her grasp, pick her up, and toss her to the other side of the mat. Mizzy then gets up, and starts laughing.

"That was fun! Why don't you do that more often?" she asks, and I start to wonder myself.

"Well, because I don't want to. Using this stuff means I have to get close to my opponent, and that means I risk getting hurt, or worse." I say.

"I doubt that the ponies have any defense against that. I've never seen anything like that!" Mizzy says, and I actually believe her. These ponies may have magic, but they suck at using it offensively. Plus, it would be fun to beat some ponies up with their own dismembered limbs.

"Eh, fine, you're right. I don't see what's so fascinating about it, though." I say, and Mizzy laughs.

"Well, the same reason your face is so attractive to me: It's exotic. It's like nothing I've seen before! I just don't see why YOU don't like it." Mizzy says.

"I don't know, I just don't. But I guess I could stand to use it more, what with the princesses hunting me down and all." I say, remembering Luna's rather intimidating warning.

"Exactly!" Mizzy says, then looks over to Whip, who has finally woken up, and is stumbling towards us.

"I-is the fight over?" Whip tiredly asks, and I catch her before she face-plants.

"Ugh... Mizzy, could you kindly get her to a bed?" I ask, and Mizzy sighs, carrying the unconscious changeling off. I then sit down on the mats, completely exhausted from all the physical activity.

"I hate doing stuff..." I pant. I dare not rest, though, because I know Luna will find me, and mess my shit up. I can take her in real life, but dreams are something I have trouble with on a normal day, let alone when a vengeful goddess is trying to beat the tar out of me. Soon, though, Mizzy returns, and snaps me out of my stupor.

"Yo, Mal, you okay?" she asks, and I blink, not entirely sure. Nonetheless, I respond positively:

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say.

"You sure? You're acting worried." she says, and I sigh.

"It's nothing you haven't heard before. I'm stuck up here, and I could be wreaking havoc, but Luna has vowed to hunt me down and destroy me, so I can't sleep, and I can't leave." I say, and Mizzy doesn't seem surprised.

"I figured as much." She says.

"What? How?" I ask.

"You talk in your sleep, dude." She says, and I sigh. Of course it was that.

"Eh, not like that helps." I say despairingly, and Mizzy gets that look she gets when she has an idea, which scares me.

"You know what you need to do Mal?" She asks, and I respond .

"What?" I ask tiredly.

"You need to kick her butt! I say you go out into the open, get her out there, and mess her shit up!" Mizzy says, and I realize something: she's right!

"You're right, Mizzy. I can't hide in a cave forever! I'm going to go out there, and get martial on her ass!" I shout.

"That's the spirit, Mal! Plus, I need you out for the rest of the day, anyway; My uncle's lair is being invaded by planeswalkers again, and he and his friend Nefarox are having poker night over here." Mizzy says, and my mood is killed instantly.

"Oh." I say, but Mizzy kisses me, making me feel better.

"Hey, bring me her crown, will ya?" Mizzy asks.

"Yeah, okay." I say, and I set out to find and defeat Luna, so I can finally get a good night's sleep, and avoid Mizzy's terrifying uncle and his probably-just-as-bad friend, Nefarox.

So, I set out toward the smoldering ruins of Ponyville, where lord-knows-what awaits me. As soon as I reach it, I take a deep breath.

"God, I love the smell of burnt village in the morning... smells like victory." I say, wandering the town. There are no corpses, unfortunately, but a lot of houses were burned down, and I can feel the sadness and fear of those who fled this place. I wander a bit more as I wait for Luna, and it's soon midnight, and the air is becoming cold, but I don't mind. I love the starry sky at night, and looking at it fills me with peace, even... happiness. As I look to the sky, I see that it isn't too much different from the sky back home, but I begin to feel a bit sad nonetheless. Maybe I actually miss my world? Probably. Still, I don't want to go back. I hate it there, and I feel more at home here, where I can do what I want with absolute impunity. But I digress, Luna is likely searching for me, and I have a show to give her. Like I said, I am many things, few of them pleasant, but a coward is not one of them. However, hours pass, and Luna does not show up.

"Maybe she got scared and ran away..." I think aloud, chuckling at the idea.

"Or maybe she's right behind you." A familiar voice says, and I turn, to see Luna standing right behind me. Cursing my poor luck, I shift into an offensive stance.

"You certainly know how to pick an arena, Chris. I see you prefer to gain every advantage you can." Luna says, circling me.

"You should have just let me be, Luna. Now, I'm going to wreck you like I wrecked this town." I say, materializing fire in my hands.

"You can huff and puff all you want to, Chris, but you won't go through with it. Deep inside, you are just like us. However, that part of you is hurt and weak, but I can heal it. I can make you better, if you'll only let me." Luna says as she approaches me, but I do not drop my stance.

"There is nothing in me but darkness, Luna. You are a fool to think any different!" I say, but part of me quivers at her.

"No... You are wrong." Luna says, getting really close to me. I try to back away, but my back hits a support beam, and she is soon right in front of me.

"Stay back! I will destroy you!" I say, but Luna smiles at my attempt to scare her.

"Do it, then." She says, and when I don't, she puts her hands on my helmet, and tries to remove it. I however, pull my head back, denying her this.

"Don't touch me!" I sputter. I don't know how, but she's somehow keeping me from attacking her, or really doing anything. This was probably a mistake, now that I think about it.

"This is your last chance, Chris. Come, take my hand in friendship, and see reason. I see your true self, and it begs to be free! I am simply drawing it out, letting it breathe. Do not deny it, Chris, let it come out, and you will see that there is no reason for this." she says, and I really, really want to obey, but my willpower is stronger than that.

"No! The only reason you're doing this is because of the trouble I've caused! You'd never have even looked at me if I came here under your flag!" I say, and Luna seems saddened by my resistance.

"No, Chris, that is not true. I love all my subjects with equality..." she says, but I cut her off.

"And how much is that love? You politicians care only for yourselves, admit it! If a random citizen was to die, would you give your life to save them?" I ask viciously, and Luna seems surprised by this question, but does not answer.

"Chris, you cannot assume..." She tries to speak, but I do not let her finish.

"See? You can't answer that, and do you know why? Because power and rule are all that matter to you!" I say.

"Chris, that is not true." Luna says.

"Yes it is. You claim that your rule is divine and just, and that all citizens serve good by serving you. But in reality, you are no god, you are no ruler, you're not even a hero. You're just some little girl who grew up in charge of a world of lies created by a cruel, deceitful god." I say, and Luna seems shocked, almost to the point of tears.

"Chris... we had this discussion. You cannot sway me, for my resolve is certain! The only sad one here is you, yet you push away all attempts to help you! Why? Why do you revel in such cruelty?" Luna asks, and I grasp her shoulder, surprising her.

"You seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps you should look at what you have become, instead of me." I say as I release her.

"You are weak, Luna. You promised me a fight, and here we are, bickering like children. You will not get to me with talk, girl, and you have no hope of defeating me. So, leave me alone, and I might let you walk away with your life." I offer, and Luna clenches her fists, and a blade soon appears in them.

"You seek a fight, then? Then let us make a wager." She says.

"Go on..." I say, intrigued.

"I will fight you, if you so desire. But should I win, I will purge the sickness from your soul, and you will see that our way is better." Luna says.

"Interesting. Childish, but interesting. And what, pray tell, should happen if I win?" I ask.

"... Then, if you should best me, I would be at your mercy to do with as you please. I only offer myself, though, because I know that you cannot win." she says, and I laugh.

"So you say..." I retort, and Luna flourishes her sword, and points it at me.

"So, then, do we have a deal?" she asks, and I nod.

"Let us begin." I say, and Luna takes several steps back, then lunges at me, not uttering a word. I quickly dodge, not exactly expecting her to be so fast, but having no trouble, nonetheless. The night seems to make everything slow down, and I feel... odd, like I'm dancing or something. Call me gay or whatever, but there is something fucked up about this night, and I don't like it. Maybe it's this damned princess.

As I think about it, Luna comes around for another swipe at me, but I stomp the ground, causing an earthen spike to erupt from in front of me, in the path of the blade. It blocks Luna's sword, and I quickly step forward, grab her arms, and jump on my back, flipping and slamming her into the ground behind me. then, before she can get back up, I grab her legs, and throw her into the earth spike I made, causing it to explode, but Luna still falls to the ground, seriously hurt.

"Engh... How... did you..." She tries to ask, but I grab her by the neck, and pick her up. Then, I wordlessly punch her in the stomach, causing her to double over, and I roundhouse kick her to the side, and she hits the ground like a sack of rocks. As I approach her, she seems to be heartbroken by my display, and I sincerely want to stop, but something inside makes me go, and so I pick her up again, and pin her to a ruined wall. Then, I punch her in the gut, again, and again, and again, at least six times. When I finally stop, Luna coughs up some blood, and grips my head, putting it through a wall. However, I get out, and I grab her by the front of her dress, and lift her. Then, I throw her to the ground, pin her with my knees, and proceed to beat the ever-loving shit out of her with my armored fists. I wanted to stop, and tried to make myself stop, but my body did not respond, my adrenaline causing me to continue to beat Luna's face in, until she gripped my helmet weakly, and tried to pull it off. See, this is EXACTLY why I don't do MMA anymore.

Anyway, so, she tries to pull my helmet off, but I grip it, trying to keep it on. And so, having exhausted her final strength reserves, Luna passes out, the moonlight illuminating her bloodied, beaten face with a deathly pale glow. I get scared for a second, because I actually thought I had killed her, but I breathed a sigh of relief when I checked her pulse, and found that it was there. Weak, but there. Nonetheless, I had to finish it somehow. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to end her. I was weak, I knew it, and I'm frankly disgusted by my show of mercy. But she had challenged me without magic, though she could have easily vaporized me and been done with it. Yet she did not, and so I, Malideus, the most heartless, evil, cruelest being in this world, spare the life of Luna, the interloper. As I lament, Luna's eyes flutter open, and lock onto me, sadness obvious in them. Then, she coughs up some blood and a tooth, and addresses me:

"I... I failed..." She says simply, and I nod. Then, she sheds a single tear, and speaks again:

"Chris... J-just end it... just kill me now... don't let me exist in such shame..." She says, but I do not.

"Luna, that is the single most selfish thing I've ever heard. I'm not going to kill you, but you will suffer this shame, knowing you were bested by me, Chri-er, Malideus." I say, correcting my blunder. Luna's face turns to one of horror then, and I walk away from her, actually feeling bad about this. However, before I can leave, Luna gets up, and grabs my arm, stopping me.

"I won't let you just walk away, Chris. Finish this, or I will!" she says.

"You want a finisher, Luna? Then so be it!" I say, raising my right hand from her grasp. Already, everything is moving in slow motion as I raise my hand, extend my pinkie, causing my pimp-hand to charge with righteous anger and face-lust, and I sweep the hand into Luna's face, sending her flying away from me, tears and blood mixing as they fly from her face in the most over-dramatic display imaginable. Soon, Luna hits the ground, knocked unconscious by the impact, and I turn and walk away, unable to stand this sight anymore. I have spared Luna, but not out of the goodness of my heart; If experience has taught me anything, it's that my pimp hand somehow brings out the depravity in others, and I will now rest easy knowing that she will no longer be a pawn for the enemy, but for me. With that in mind, I wordlessly walk out of the ruined village, through the dense forest, and to Mizzy's cave, where I wait at the mouth, looking up at the night sky. As I look at it, I no longer feel at peace. The night is uneasy, and I know exactly why. Then, at the mouth of the cave, I sleep, and no dreams come as I rest.

As I awake, the sun is already halfway overhead. As I get up, Mizzy walks outside, and sees me.

"Mal! I was about to look for you!" She says.

"No need, I did it, I beat Luna. Now, maybe I can get a decent night's sleep." I say, getting up and walking into the cave. As I do, I see the whole place is a mess; slashes in the stone, scorch marks everywhere, and pools of cooled lava litter the ground. I don't even know what to ask before Mizzy sees my face and answers it:

"Yeah, the two had a falling out, as you can see. At least I saved the loot." Mizzy says, pointing to the gigantic pile of stuff in the corner.

"What were they fighting about?" I ask.

"I have no idea. So, how did it go with Luna?" Mizzy asks, and I almost don't want to answer.

"Eh, I showed her who the boss was. No biggie." I say, and Mizzy slaps my back.

"Well, I'm glad you can finally get some sleep. I kinda missed you last night." Mizzy says, winking. I then blush. Then, Mizzy says something unexpected:

"Oh, Mal, I happened to show uncle Bolas the gem from the Alicorn amulet, and he said to give you this!" she says, handing me the last thing I expected, but totally loved:

Now, in my hands, was a golden staff, two axe-like blades at the tip, and, between them, the gem from the Alicorn amulet.

"Well? What do you think?" Mizzy asks.

"... I wonder when Celestia will decide to come after me..." I say simply, imagining all the fun times I was going to have with this staff; The staff of Malideus.

Oh, yes... fun times indeed...

Ch.13- Timber!!!

There I was, standing, at Canterlot's doors, awaiting my destiny. I had worked hard for this day, when I would defeat Celestia, once and for all. I stood, and the gates opened, slowly at first, then quickly, to reveal an army and their princess.

"Celestia. We meet again... for the last time!" I say, brandishing my staff.

"You will not win this fight, Malideus. I will slay you here, and your reign of terror will end! So swear I, princess Celestia!" she says, and I move first: I slam the butt of my staff to the ground, and earthen blades burst forth from the ground, impaling the soldiers that stand between me and my prey. Celestia then casts a spell at me, but I easily block it with a ward I cast from my hand. Then, I summon two stone hands from the ground, and they grasp Celestia, leaving her helpless.

"There could be no other end..." I say as I walk up to Celestia, who struggles against her stone prison to no avail.

"There could have been, Chris! We could have been allies, but you would not let go of the darkness in your heart!" Celestia says, but I pause as she says my name. Then, suddenly, Celestia turns into Luna, scaring me, and the whole world starts falling apart like in some bad acid trip, and I fall into an endless abyss when it shatters, and I keep hearing "Wake up" screamed at me in repeat as I fall. Finally, a giant, demonic head, at least ten feet long and nine feet wide, appears below me. It is grotesque, and looks like a flat-headed, metallic lizard with fifteen eyes. Then, it opens its mouth to devour me, revealing hundreds of giant, jagged teeth, and I wake up, panting and terrified. Dammit, I've been haveing this nightmare for three fucking nights in a row, ever since I almost killed Luna. What the hell does it even MEAN?!

"Mal, if this waking up screaming thing is going to become a thing with you, I'm going back to sleeping on the floor." Mizzietta irately says as she holds a pillow over her head.

"I'm sorry I can't control whatever keeps giving me nightmares! Jeez, Mizzy, you act like you've never had them before." I say.

"I have nightmares all the time, Mal, most of them being about you screaming over nothing." Mizzy retorts.

"Oh, ha ha. Why don't you make yourself useful and make me a sandwich." I say, then Mizzy, ever the sarcastic one, replies:

"Okay." she then proceeds to grow to the general size of the bed, and she rolls on top of me, face-down.

"Mmf mm-mm MMF!!!" I say, and Mizzy laughs.

"What? You said to make you a sandwich, so I made you a sandwich." Mizzy says smugly. Then, after a few seconds of this nonsense, she gets off of me, and I'm finally able to breath.

"I HATE SARCASM!" I yell, storming off.

"Jeez, what crawled up your ass?" Mizzy says.

"That same fuckin' nightmare! I need something to distract me." I say, racking my brain for an answer.

"Well, we could always just finish off Celestia. We have an army, and you have limitless power again. Let's do that." Mizzy says, but I feel unprepared. There is something I am missing, but what?

"I need to think. I'm going for a walk, Mizzy, I'll be back." I say, and Mizzy yawns.

"Okay, just be back soon." She says as I put on my robe and armor, and climb down the cave mouth, into the forest, staff in tow. I have a destination in mind; the ruins. As I reach said ruins, I just sit there and stare at them, wondering what they were before. They look like a castle of sorts, but who owned it? Ah well, they're mine now. Suddenly, though, an odd feeling comes over me as I gaze upon the ruins, and I sense a presence nearby. I look around where I am, but I don't see anyone. I do feel like I'm being watched, though, and I start to get pissed.

"Alright, where the fuck are you!? Stop fucking with me!" I yell, but nothing happens, and no one responds. However, the presence seems to grow stronger, so I look around the ruins to see who's spying on me. I can't seem to find anyone around the castle, so I take a look inside. When I enter the ruins, I see that the place looks pretty nice for a decrepit ruin. Refurbish it a bit, fix the pillars, put a roof up, and it would be fitting of an overlord like myself. As I think these things, I trip on an out-of-place tile, and fall on my face, the clang of my armor echoing into the night.

"Stupid floor!" I yell, punching the tile. I then get up, ignoring the tile, and walk around some more, until I come across a throne room. I then look around the room, thinking about how nice it must have looked back in it's day. Damn, what the hell happened to this place? Moving on, I look around the room, checking tapestries and candle holders for anything like a switch or a trapdoor, but I don't find anything save a round, oval-shaped gem that looked like it belonged in a crown. I pocket the gem, thinking it would make a nice souvenir. As soon as I take it, though, I hear loud clopping from the room behind me, like one of those fetid ponies. I know I could easily destroy the interloper, whoever it may be, but something about this place subconsciously compels me not to disturb its peace, so I hide behind the massive throne, and peer around it, to see who's following me. As I look, it's too dark at first, but I soon see a silhouette, and then I see a figure: Tall, wearing a dress, wings, and... a horn?

"Oh, god..." I mutter softly as the figure steps into the light, revealing herself: The interloper was none other than Celestia herself. However, the nag seems to not even know of my existence, and in fact seems worried about something, constantly checking over her shoulder, as if to see if anyone is following her. Immediately, my inner voice returns from the dead, and starts advising me again:

"I normally don't condone this, man, but I think you should follow her." My voice says, surprising me.

"You sure?" I telepathically ask back.

"Positive. If she's in a place like this with every intention of being alone, she's looking for something that we want." My inner voice replies, and I'm, frankly, surprised. However, I don't get a chance to question it before Celestia is on the move, and my inner voice goes nuts telling me to follow her, so I do, activating a simple shrouding spell as I creep after her. As I follow her, I keep hearing her murmur something about a tree and the Elements of Harmony. I have no idea what either of those things have to do with this place, the castle, I mean, but it sounds extremely important, which means I extremely want it, like, right now. Thankfully, Celestia seems to not see or hear me, though she must know I'm here, because she keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder. However, I'm great at hiding, so I evade her each time. Then, we continue this game down several corridors and rooms, none of which I pay any attention to; My only focus is Celestia, who seems to be getting more and more paranoid each passing minute. Nonetheless, she continues, and I follow, until we reach a rather unremarkable room, but here she stops, looking around. Then, I don't see how she does it, but stairs appear on the ground, and she goes down them. And I, like the awesome adventurer I am, follow her.

"Bingo." I whisper, following Celestia down the stairs, and I am led into a strange cavern of sorts, with glowing flora and crystals everywhere, common to caves. However, what I did NOT expect was to see a giant, glowing... tree? Made of crystal? This was weird, but I was about to see weirder: Celestia started talking to it! I didn't catch what she was saying, but she definately was discussing something, or they were, I don't know. It was a subterranean tree made out crystal, maybe it could talk? I dunno. However, as I finish my thoughts, Celestia seems surprised at something, and exclaims something:

"What? Where?!" Celestia asks, and then I realize something that almost makes me laugh: that dumb tree narced me out! So, since I can't hide anymore, and I can't sneak by Celestia, I resort to my final plan: I make my entrance.

"Show yourself, Malideus! The Tree of Harmony says you're here, so stop hiding!" Celestia says, and I step out of the darkness, brandishing my new staff.

"So, I guess you're not crazy; that tree CAN talk." I say, walking toward the princess and her magic shrub.

"Malideus! I ought to destroy you right here for this outrage! First me, then my sister, now this?! Have you no boundaries to your evil?" Celestia asks, and I laugh, getting into character.

"YOU ought to destroy ME!? I'm insulted, Celestia; 'ought to' implies that you might not." I say, and Celestia grits her teeth.

"I know why you're here, Malideus, and I will not allow you near the Tree of Harmony!" Celestia says.

"You won't, will you? We shall see about that." I say. Then, I raise my staff, using my new, all-powerful magic to lift Celestia into the air, and I toss her aside, into a wall. Then, I begin my march toward the tree.

"No... How did you do that..? Twilight destroyed the amulet..." Celestia says weakly, and I laugh as I approach the tree.

"Yes, but I kept the gem, the important part of the amulet, and lord Nicol Bolas gave me this staff, made from that same gem. Behold, Celestia, the instrument of your demise: The Staff of Malideus!" I say, raising the staff into the air.

"Malideus, stop... you don't know what you're doing!" Celestia says.

"I know exactly what I'm doing, Celestia: I'm getting rid of this dumb tree!" I say, and I prepare to obliterate the crystalline shrub, but I feel something try to enter my head, but I push it out. The last thing I need is more people knowing what I am. I prepare my staff again, but the presence tries again, and succeeds this time, slipping into my head like a tendril, and Celestia sits there, looking smug. I try to push the presence out again, but it's rooted into my head, making me feel at peace, like a bright, happy garden. Whatever it was, it was in there deep, and it starts talking to me:

"Do not fight me, little one. I only want to talk." It says, and I get a suspicion that it might be the tree.

"You... get out of my head!" I demand out loud, but the tree does not relent.

"Why do you struggle? Do you not understand the damage you are causing? You hurt me, little one." The tree says, and I try to get mad, but I can't.

"I don't care about the damage I'm causing! Let... me... go!" I shout, pushing the presence back, but it does not leave.

"Don't struggle, child! You know not what you are doing! I know you are here to destroy me, but that is wrong!" It says,slipping past my mental blockade.

"I don't... I don't... Care!" I stammer, catching the presence before it goes deeper. God, this talking bush is annoying!

"You may not, but a part of you does. I can feel it pulse, wanting out. Let it be so!" the tree says, and it starts slipping through again, grabbing at a part of my consciousness in the back of my mind. I can't stop it, and I don't want to interrupt it, lest it mentally cripple me or something. Still, I try to force it back.

"Get... out..." I demand tiredly, but all this mental activity is exhausting, and I slip. The tree then prods the back of my mind, and I can feel what I used to be try to come out, try to undo all my work! So, with one last, exhausting bid, I halt the process halfway through, push the tree out of my head, and cast a spell on myself to prevent all entry to my noggin. No more intruders, and no more of... that, whatever that was. However, I can still feel my good side there, and no matter how much I push it back into it's corner, it won't fit. Still, I feel like myself somewhat, so I decide the tree did nothing catastrophic... until I hear it talk again.

"Little one... why have you pushed me out?" it asks me.

"You won't turn me that easily, shrub! I'm going to blow you into itty bitty pieces, crush those pieces into powder, snort that powder up, and then crap it out!" I yell, readying my staff, but something holds me back: that goody-goody part of my brain.

"I think not, little one. Where the sisters have failed, I have succeeded, if only somewhat. Your armor has become your identity, so you are divided: so long as your identity is removed, your inherent goodness shall appear." the tree explains, and I, for the first time since it first entered my head, get pissed.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" I shout at the top of my lungs. Then, I grab the tree, and proceed to drain its power into myself. As soon as it begins to dim, Celestia bursts into action:

"NO!!!" she cries, lunging at me, knocking my staff out of my hands. However, I still have my moves, so I flip her, pin her by her arms, and grab my staff again.

"Pest, you will not stop this!" I say, then I force-lift her up, and throw her to the back of the cave. Then, I grab the tree again, and continue the process. The crystal tree begins to dim, and a red light begins to pulse in it. However, before I can complete the process, Celestia casts a petrification spell at me, and I'm forced to let go of the tree to ward it, since all my magic focus has to go to what I'm draining if I want it done quickly. I cast a ward, dispelling the magic bolt, then I stomp the ground, causing a stone wall to burst forth from the ground, between me and Celestia. I can hear her screaming and punching and clawing from the other side, but I ignore her, and I grip the tree once more. When I grab it, though, I can feel it barely slip through my spell, and it speaks sadly. However, though saddened, it does not sound pleading, instead seeming to accept its fate, further infuriating me. Still, it speaks:

"Why must you destroy me? Will removing me make you feel better about your bleak, dark life?" It asks, and my good side (which my inner voice has defected to, that traitorous bastard) compels me to stop, but it is only half of my mind, and quite weak. I win over immediately, and respond accordingly:

"No. But your destruction will make them feel bad, which will make me feel good. So, I bid you goodnight, shrub." I hiss, but my earth wall blows inward, revealing a panting, dirty, extremely PISSED Celestia.

"Malideus... You have annoyed me for the last time! Prepare to... No!" she cries as she sees the red light grow as I finish corrupting the tree. Then, tears fill her eyes as she seems to receive a message from the Tree of Harmony, the last one it sends before the tree finally turns a harsh, bright red, and explodes, a harsh, shrill scream emanating from the flying crystal bits, its power absorbed. I feel great, but Celestia looks completely drained and defeated, and falls to her knees, tears pouring out of her eyes like tiny rivers.

"You... killed..." She stutters, but cannot finish before I slam my staff to the ground, feeling exhausted, but powerful.

"Yes, I killed, now I'll kill again!" I say, ignoring what that shrub did to my head.

"No... you won't." Celestia says, getting up. "I'm going to finish what I should have a long time ago, Malideus. Prepare to di-AAAUGH!!!" Celestia shrieks as a continuous green beam of magic hits her, seeming to sap her strength. Then, as she falls, and another one flies toward me, but I hold my hand up, absorbing it into my reserves. Then, when it ends, I get pissy. Clearly, someone else is here, and they want a piece of me. And, soon, that someone steps from the shadows: a changeling, tall and regal, her green cat-like eyes locked on me without any sign of blinking.

"Who the fuck are you?" I ask, prepared to destroy the interloper.

"You already know who I am, Malideus, as you seem to have converted one of my warriors." The changeling says, and I fit the pieces together.

"Chrysalis, I presume." I say, readying my staff.

"The one and only. And you must be the great and powerful Malideus. I have to say, I'm quite a fan of your work." Chrysalis says, approaching me.

"Yeah, I know, I hear a lot of people are. Now what do you want? And how did you get here?" I ask, unable to comprehend the irony of this situation.

"That's not really important now, is it? Now, what is important, is what you just did, and all the trouble you could potentially cause me. Now that I have you all alone, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me. Unless you want things to get... physical?" Chrysalis coos, but I don't even blush, that's how used to sexual innuendo I am.

"Bitch, I've been raped and molested too many times for your cute little jokes to work. Now, I'm not going with you, or anyone. I'm going home, and you're going to stand aside. Now move, bitch." I say, and Chrysalis laughs.

"You cannot resist a changeling, little male. Observe, as I wrap you around my little finger." Chrysalis says, then her horn starts glowing green, and she tries to take my mind, but my spell deflects her presence, and I stand there, laughing, as Chrysalis's face slowly shifts from smug to horrified.

"Wha..? How are you..." She says, and I walk up to her, feeling bigger than her, even though she's, like, really freakin' tall. Still, she's MY bitch, now.

"I don't think you understood me, Chrysalis. I, Malideus, kneel to no man, let alone a woman. Now, stand aside, or I'll squish you like the roach you are." I say, and Chrysalis starts to look pissed.

"You dare to threaten me, male?!" She says, and I pop her across the face, stunning her.

"I do, female. Now, if you're not going to suck my awesome wizard dick, I suggest you get out of my way." I say, and Chrysalis steams a bit, blushing furiously, then backs into the darkness mysteriously. Jeez, what a drama queen. However, as soon as she does, the tunnel starts to shake, and bits of stone fall from the ceiling. It doesn't take a genius to know that, by killing the Tree of Harmony, I caused the structural integrity to fall apart, and now the tunnel has gronked out, or is about to. I almost run out of there, when I hear a groan behind me: Celestia. I don't care for her, though, so I run. I make it halfway, though, when my defective internal voice, combined with that damned good half of my brain, tells me to go back. So, unable to stand the onslaught, I obey, running back to the chamber, which is now half-filled with rubble, and I find Celestia, still out like a light, and grab her, narrowly managing to get her out of the way of a falling boulder. I REALLY want to leave her here, seeing the danger carrying her poses to my self, but I carry her nonetheless. And, not three minutes into carrying her into that damned tunnel, the bitch wakes up, and looks around, wondering why she's being carried. Then, she notices me, and flips her ever-loving shit.

"Unhand me this instant, you scum-sucking, murderous wizard!" Celestia screams, hitting me like a girl who doesn't want to go to the dentist.

"Okay, I'll just let you walk in this hostile environment. With any luck, you'll break your legs." I say, dropping her. Litteally a second after, a boulder falls on her legs, crushing the bones to pieces. Celestia then screams in pain, and I facepalm. Thank you, God, for making my life harder at every turn.

"Aagh! My legs!" Celestia screams, and I sigh.

"Yeah, a boulder hit them." I say.

"You bastard! You made that happen!" Celestia accuses. You know, for a chick about to die, she's STILL really lippy.

"Trust me, Celly, if I did, it would have hit your head. Well, see ya!" I say, and I walk.

"Fine! Go, you monster!" Celestia yells after me, and I cringe. I know she means it, but now that she says NOT to help her, my defiant nature forces me to do the exact opposite. Plus, my inner voice is blaring at me to help her, so I do it, just to shut it up. I go back, pick her up (for the second time), and she seems shocked.

"Wha..!? What are you doing!?" She asks.

"Saving your fat ass. Jeez, you can really stand to lose a pound or two, Betsy." I say, and Celestia takes offence.

"I have a good figure! You try living for thousands of years and tell me you can maintain a routine!" Celestia says.

"Whatever, Gigantor." I say, carrying the heavy burden through the cave. Soon, though, she starts to lose consciousness from internal bleeding in her legs, and I'm left carrying her dead weight through the collapsing tunnel. I'd better get good karma for this shit!

So, here we are, I'm carrying Celestia's unconscious body through a collapsing tunnel, and Celestia's unconscious, probably dreaming about cake. Oh, and her legs are broken, that's wonderful. Still, I run, the tunnel collapsing behind me, and I finally see the exit. So, I go forth, running as fast as I can, and I see the entrance is about to collapse! So, with some split-second prioritizing, I make my decisions on how to act, then I do: First, I take Celestia, and toss her out of the tunnel, while I'm running. Then, I roll through the door, but my helmet comes off, and I can NOT be seen without that, so I reach, then grab it, right before the entrance collapses, and put it back on. Now, we're in that room in the castle ruins, it's still night, and all that's left is to make my heart stop beating so damn fast. So, I breath in, then out, and look at Celestia. She's still unconscious, and I can't just leave her like this because I think she has to raise the sun or some shit like that, so I decide to at least fix her legs. However, as I prepare to 'work my magic', as it were, she wakes up, and sees my hands reaching for her, and screams, getting up to punch me, and she does, sending me going the other way. God damn, she's got a hell of a punch, I'll give her that. Still, I'm not hurt, just pissed.

"What the hell, bitch!? I was helping!" I say.

"You were going to kill me!" Celestia exclaims accusingly.

"If I wanted to kill you, I'd have just left you in the tunnel! Now, you want your legs fixed, or do you want to crawl to your castle?" I ask, and Celestia opens her mouth to answer, but then she stops, and thinks about it. Finally, she looks and says the one thing that officially makes her my bitch:

"Just get it over with." she says, and I focus my magic again, feeling the warm aura of healing magic flow to my hands. However, I then get an idea, and put a little something else in there, something to absorb some of her power and cripple her a little more subtly.

"Alright, hold still." I say.

"Like I have an option, genius." Celestia says. Then, I press my hands to her legs, and I see the bones rearrange and fix themselves, and frankly, it's the grossest thing I've ever seen. Nonetheless, Celestia screams in pain, which fills me with such fulfillment, I almost don't activate the second, nastier part of the spell... almost. As the legs reach the final part of healing, I then activate the spell, and Celestia starts to look woozier.

"Ugh... are you doing the spell right? I'm starting to feel really sick..." Celestia says.

"That's just the healing, my dear. Hold still, now, I'm almost done." I say. Then, her legs are complete, but something is different about her. In a word, she seems... smaller. Eh, probably a side effect of me 'borrowing' some of her power. I doubt she'll notice.

"Ugh, at least it's over. This changes nothing between us, though!" Celestia says, and I walk off toward the Mizzy's cave. Well I try to, when Celestia stops me.

"Wait... didn't you used to be shorter, Malideus?" she says.

"Busted" my inner voice says.

"Uh... probably just your legs..?" I ask more than say, and Celestia turns red, teleporting in front of me.

"How... much... did... you... take..?" Celestia huffs, stalking toward me. Fuck, how does this bitch know what I did to her?!

"I was low on mana! I had to borrow some!" I explain, but Celestia is having none of it.

"Give it back!" she yells, lunging at me.

"No!" I say, dodging, then running toward the cave.

"MALIDEUS!!!" Celestia screams, as I run into the brush, escaping her. I run without rest for an hour, then I use my memory to get to the cave, and get in, panting and wheezing my lungs out. Then, I'm greeted by Mizzy, who's munching a great big emerald.

"Jeez, Mal, what'd you, walk a MARATHON? you were gone for hours!" She says, and I pop my back, and explain everything to her as calmly as possible. At the end of my story, Mizzy raises her eyebrow, and laughs.

"Mal, that has got to be the worst story ever! I doubt you could follow Celestia without her knowing, you can't even sneak out of bed in the middle of the night without waking me up. And Why didn't you just kill Celestia while you had the chance, or just leave her legs broken? Most importantly, why didn't you invite me?" she asks. Well, I figured she wouldn't believe me, but I didn't think she would laugh at me. Suddenly, though, I remembered that gem I found. If anything could prove my journey, it was that.

"Well, Mizzy, I guess this gem here is going to prove you wrong." I say, holding up the oval gem I found. Mizzy eyes it suspiciously, then looks surprised.

"I haven't seen that one before. Maybe you did get it at the castle. Still, I don't believe that you carried Celestia out of a collapsing tunnel." she says, and I sigh.

"Look, just believe me, okay? That tree cursed me or something, and now I can't do bad stuff as much." I say despairingly, and Mizzy ponders this.

"I don't think you'd make that up... Well, I think this could be a good thing. You flux between fun-and-giggles and doom-and-gloom way too often. Maybe the tree doing that is an improvement." she says.

"You have got to be joking." I say.

"Not at all. I've been seeing waaaaay too much bad guy, Mal... Maybe I should see what your better half looks like." Mizzy says sultrily, and my red lights are going off like never before.

"You stay away from that side, Mizzy! I don't like that side, and you won't either!" I say, and Mizzy relents.

"Alright, Mal, I'll back off... for now. So, you absorbed the tree, and some of Celestia's power? Why aren't you going after her?" Mizzy asks.

"Because, she's after my blood! I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, Mizzy." I say.

"Well, if you say so." Mizzy says. "So, since you don't want to finish Celestia, what DO you want to do?" she asks.

"I want to not be cursed." I say. Then, I get an idea: Ponyville had a library, but I burned it down. But if they had a library, who's to say that Canterlot won't have one?

"I think I know what I'm doing tomorrow, Mizzy." I say, and Mizzy gives me a confused look.

"Really? What?" Mizzy asks.

"I'm getting rid of this curse." I say, preparing for a long, agonizing journey in the morning.

"You need to take anyone?" Mizzy asks.

"I may need a ride. Think you can get me there?" I ask.

"Only if you if you take me first, big guy." Mizzy purrs, pushing me onto the bed.

"Ah, Christ..." I mutter, and, well, you can guess the rest.

But, hey, at least there weren't any nightmares.

Author's Note

Alright, so, remember, if you have ANY suggestions for what Malideus should do next, leave 'em in the comments, just like usual. Peace out, heathens!

Ch.14- Poker game of the gods

The day after my 'incident' with the Tree of Harmony, I got my supplies together, and we were off. Now, I stand at the gates of the city of Canterlot itself, home of three vengeful princesses. I don't know what happened to Cadence since I put her into a world of hurt, but I know she isn't here. Or, at least, I hope not. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

"And you're sure you don't need me or Whip, or even Kelias?" Mizzy asks, and I sigh, preparing to explain to her, for the tenth time, why not.

"For the eleventh time, Mizzy, Kelias and his pit will burn everything to the ground before I can get what I want, Whip is dead weight, and you are NOT stealthy. Now, if you'll kindly leave, before you blow my cover." I say, and Mizzy sighs.

"You're gonna get caught, you know." Mizzy says.

"If I do, you are fully capable of bailing me out. Now, I have a mission to complete, so get off my back, woman!" I say, and Mizzy huffs, then flies off. Alright, I'm here, now how do I get in there? I can't blow it down, because that will give away my position, and I can't climb the wall, because there are a lot of guards up there. I look around for a way in not involving strenuous physical activity, but I see nothing that looks acceptable. Yep, these walls are impregnable, and I start to wish I'd brought my army. Still, I have to go this task alone, and I have to kick ass doing it. After all, what's the point of being an all-powerful, godlike sorcerer if you're not gonna use your powers? With my resolve renewed, I get a brilliant idea: I practiced the fuck out of my teleporting skills for this occasion, and now was the time to use those skills.

"Alright, Chris, you got this..." I say to myself, and I shake around, stretch, and prepare for gut-wrenching nausea. I then cross my arms, and select my jump to be, oh, 5, no, 10 feet? Make it 15, just to be safe. So, I select my destination, close my eyes, and feel a minor weightlessness as my body zaps from here to 15 feet away, which was inches from a house wall. That could have ended badly, but it didn't. Now, I could begin my epic journey to...

"Hey, you!" a guard shouts at me, interrupting my thoughts. Without thinking, I whip about and zap him with my staff, turning him into a statue made of Gorgonzola cheese. Well, so much for subtlety, but at least the mice will be well fed. Wordlessly, I turn and walk away, skulking behind buildings as I walk. Soon, I come across the market place, and stop as I hear an interesting conversation:

"...The whole town, infested by what Celestia calls 'devils'! I don't know about that, but they say that they can't rebuild the town until they're gone!" one pony says.

"I heard. Saw one for myself, actually! looked like the spawn of a rat, a monkey, and a dragon! Bastard set my tail on fire, too, and just started cackling!" another says.

"I heard that Malideus is behind those awful things! Now that they've set home in the ruins of Ponyville, they can't even go near it without losing entire platoons to them! Damn that wizard, I hope they catch him and string him upside-down by his hooves!" the first says.

"I heard he ain't even a pony, but some kind o' demon!" a third says, and I zone out after that. As I continue stalking about, I hear many conversations, all very similar to that first one. It's nice to know that my work is appreciated, but these ponies really want to see me dead! Ah well, an artist's work is never fully accepted by everyone, I suppose. Nevertheless, I feel tempted to start a panic by appearing in the middle of the crowds, but I refrain; my current affliction is more important than the horrified screams of countless thousands, after all. So, after patting myself on the back, I continue to sneak toward the castle, just like when I rescued Mizzy. Then, I climb up through a window, and cast a cloaking spell on myself. It's kinda weak, since I don't really dabble in illusion, but it's there, and the guards seem fooled, which is enough for me. So, without further ado, I proceed up the stairs, into the upper levels, occasionally shanking a guard that gets too nosy, and I just wander. I see various rooms, all extravagant, but not to my tastes. I've always been fond of black and red, myself, and this place was just too white. That aside, I enter one room, which turns out to be a treasury of sorts. I see the gold and gems piled up in ginormous mountains, and I'm tempted to pocket them, but they'll just slow me down when I make my daring escape, so I (reluctantly) leave them, and continue my quest. I search this floor for hours, but I can't find anything, so I proceed up another flight of stairs. This one, I like: All the doors are few, but nicely arranged, so searching here should be easy.

So, I search the first of the twelve rooms with a steady eye, but I see nothing library-like, save a monitor, which was weird, for various reasons. However, I ignore the computer (and the reference, as most of you will) and move on to the next room. The next room, right across the hall, was no different, having nothing to speak of in the manner of books. So, I move on, to the next one, then the next one, then the next one, all to no avail. Finally, I make it to the twelfth door, and I open it, revealing a dining room of sorts. God, this castle is confusing. So I go up each set of stairs after hours upon hours of searching, until I finally reach a spiral staircase into a tower to my right, and a hallway to my left. Again, I hate towers, so I pick the hallway first. I walk for a bit, taking in the niceness of the castle, and I come to the end of the hall, which is two double doors. I then shrug, thinking it's worth a shot, and I slowly open the doors, sneaking into... a medical wing?

Indeed, it was a hospital wing, and I immediately heard the groans and wails of the injured, and, despite my better judgement, took a look inside. After all, always cause havoc where order is due, as I always said... a few weeks ago... Anyway, moving on, so I'm looking around the hospital, and I see a lot of injured soldiers, all very much burned up, and I remember the villagers talking about the devils, and how they numbered enough to defend their nest from entire battalions of soldiers. Clearly, devils breed like rabbits, who knew? Not that I'm complaining. So, I look around, and I see not only soldiers, but civilians who tried to help them, and, of course, princess Luna. She seems at unease about something as she lays, barely conscious, in her medical bed, and I can NOT resist making her day off a little more uncomfortable. So, I creep up to her bed, then her ear, and I whisper:

"Don't think I've forgotten about your deal, Luna." I whisper, and the effect is immediate: Luna's face starts to look pained, and she begins to toss, turn and whimper.

"N-no, Chris... N-not the m-maid outfit..." Luna mutters, her slumber now permanently ruined by me. Oh, how I revel in... wait, what was that about a maid outfit? Oh, forget it. Now, my side quest complete, I then make my way out of the room, when I see this snobbish-looking pony carrying bowls of soup and water, and grumbling something about being too good for work. Now, I hate ponies, but snobs who don't like work are pretty much number one on my shit list. Oh, but killing him would just be doing them a favor, and I hate doing favors... so, I get a brilliant idea! I sneak up behind the prat, and push him down, causing all that stuff he was carrying to fall on top of him.

"What!? Who's there!? When my aunt hears about th-ACK!!!" I interrupt his prattling with a quick swipe of my staff to his neck, and the ass goes down like a sack of rocks. Then, I summon a permanent sharpie marker into my hands, and draw a penis on his face. Yes, it was immature, but it was funny at the time. Besides, he's now injured, so I'm happy, and he's not dead, so they're not. Win! Anyway, after I finish my magnificent face art, I giggle, then creep away to that tower I saw earlier. I hated the idea, but if that library was anywhere, it was there, all the way up those untrustworthy, rickety flights of wooden planks... I'm fine, I can do this. So, I walk up the stairs, and I am on the verge of giving up. Finally, after a while of trying, I finally wuss out, and just decide to climb up the wall. So, I then squeeze myself out of a window,and find that I'm already a considerable distance from the ground. Well, it was either this, or take the stairs, and the choice, I think, was pretty obvious.

So, after a while of getting my footing and grip on the stone bricks of the outer wall, I look down one last time, praying to whatever god, goddess, or demon that would listen that I did not fall, because I was going to make quite a mess if I did. I shudder at the thought, but I keep calm, and get a grip on my resolve. So, I've never climbed a rock wall in my life, but how hard could it be? That in mind, I grip the next brick with my claws, and try to force myself up. Thankfully, I succeed, and I put my boot up next, then my other hand, then my other boot. pretty soon, I have the climbing thing figured out in theory, but in practice, I was about to pass out from fear. Yeah, I get scared too, so what? Anyway, I start climbing, hand, foot, hand, foot, and I make it up pretty high. I don't bother looking down, though, I just focus on my target: the window. I don't look down, because I know that if I do, that's where I'm going. So I press on, and after a minute or two of physical labor, I reach the window, squeeze through it, and look around. I'm in a round hall, meaning there must be a door to a central room of sorts. Before I can search for it, though, a whole mess of guards comes around the bend, and they all rush down the stairs. So, if I had been on them, at my rate of ascension, I'd have been fucked. But I didn't, and I'm safe. Extremely physically drained, but safe. So, with no guards around, I drop my cloak spell, and proceed to search for a door.

It isn't long before I find one, needless to say, and I'm pretty damn happy.

"Alright, this has got to be it! Let's see what you... huh? What!? LOCKED!?" I shout, then, with all my pent-up anger, I blast the doors in with a fireball the size of, well, me. Needless to say, the doors exploded into burning little wooden chunks, and a loud explosion resounded throughout the tower.

"Shit." I say simply, knowing that every guard in a thousand-yard radius had to have heard that. So, I go in, cast a magic barrier behind me, like most video game bosses do when you aren't ready to face them, and I begin to frantically search for a book that could cure me. I search for a few good minutes, when I hear the guards come up the stairs, and surround my barrier.

"Freeze! Come out with your hands up, Malideus!" One guard says, but I ignore him, flipping through my current book. Then, that guard gets pissy and tries to hit the barrier.

"I said come out of there, wizard!" The guard says, hitting the barrier with his shield.

"Nah, I'm good. Say, could you not hit that? It's enchanted to kill anyone that hits it more than ten times in a row. That, and you're really loud." I say, and the guards all back off, now afraid of my shield.

"Listen here, Malideus, you can't stay in there forever! We have already notified the princess that you are here, and she is on her way as we speak!" The guard says.

"Well, then let her come. She can challenge me, but you peasants aren't fit to polish my boots." I say, putting the useless book down and rifling through the shelf for a new one.

"And why not?" The guard asks.

"Because..." I begin, clearing my throat. "YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!" I say loudly, in my most demonic voice, and the guards all back up, thinking I'm about to obliterate them. Well, I'm not, but I have just now found a spell that I might try if they keep pestering me.

"That's it! Where's a mage?" The guard asks, and I sigh, having had enough of his shenanigans. Using the new spell, I flick my staff at the guard, and he collapses to the floor, convulsing as if his body was being pumped full of raw electricity. Then, he stops, and explodes into a bloody, gory mess, causing me to cringe in disgust bloody giblets fly into the barrier and cook, creating a horrible smell, from what I can guess anyway. No smell can get through the barrier, but the guards are all turning green and vomiting into their helmets, so I can only assume that it smells pretty rank.

"Eugh, that wasn't supposed to happen! Sorry about that!" I say as every guard in the room stares in horror at the mess that once was their leader.

"Here, let me try that again..." I say, and every guard in the room flees for his or her life, all pushing and shoving to escape becoming my next test subject. Aww, and I really wanted to try this 'want-it-need-it' spell out... No matter, I have those devils back home, still. Or maybe I'll kidnap a few ponies here, and use them. Either way works for me. So I pocket the book, and I begin my search for another. With any hope, the stampede of guards will slow down Celestia and buy me some time to... oh, here it is!

"Let's see... emotional purge... an emotion-based attack spell that utilizes one's feelings by purging them from the body and mind and sending them out as a mental shockwave that can fry even the most shielded minds. Its range and effectiveness depend upon the intensity and variation of the feelings being used... warning, the emotions you will purge will have to be re-taught to you, so only use this spell as a last resort. Welp, I'm sold." I say, looking at on how to use it. However, as soon as I get to that part, Celestia storms in, huffing and puffing and looking PIIIIIIISSED. Still, I'm in here, and she's out there, so I get a little cocky.

"Oh, hello, Short Round." I say, and Celestia turns even redder as she recognizes that I've made both a short and a fat joke.

"I'm going to end you, Malideus!" Celestia says, then she tries to destroy the shield, but her spell deflects, destroying a window instead.

"Ha! That was weak! Jeez, when I took some of your power, I didn't realize I took your aim, too!" I laugh, and Celestia looks ready to bust a capillary.

"So, O Goddess of the sun, how's it been going?" I ask.

"Stop taunting me!" Celestia screams, hurling more bolts at my shield.

"God damn, Celly, did you suddenly turn sixteen again? Jeez, learn some anger management." I say, further infuriating Celestia. God, this was fun!

"Malideus, I'm going to kill you one way or another! Just come of there so it can be done and over with!" Celestia says, but I yawn.

"Nah, I like it in here. All these books, you being so frustrated over being just a barrier away from killing me, Why didn't I think of this sooner?" I say, reclining against a shelf. Suddenly, though, Celestia punches the shield, shattering it.

"Oh, Hell." I say, preparing the spell.

"Malideus, I'm going to tear your sorry carcass in half!" Celestia says, but I have an ace up my sleeve. As soon as she comes close to me, I whip out an old friend...

"Pocket sand!" I yell, tossing my granular missiles into Celestia's eyes, causing her to scream and cover them. Then, I reach for her to absorb the rest of her power, but she turns around and roundhouse kicks me into a shelf, causing tons of books to fall on top of me. However, I break free, and point my staff at her.

"How did you resist my packet sand attack?!" I ask.

"I'm wearing contacts!" Celestia says, lunging at me.

"Where the hell did you find contact lenses that fit those huge-ass eyes?!" I ask, dodging.

"I had them shipped! My store has all the right contact brands for everyone, even you!" Celestia says, casting a bolt at me, which I deflect.

"That's impossible, they can't have my brand! I have special eyes!" I say.

"Look with your special eyes!" Celestia yells, headbutting me. Indeed, she was wearing contacts.

"My brand... and my head!" I wail, falling back into another shelf. The fight lasts a good minute, and I finally decide I've had enough. Her speed and agility surprise me, and I can't grip her to use my MMA on her, but I can do one other thing, and kill two birds with one stone.

"Alright, Celly, get ready to get some magic all up in here!" I say, readying my spell. As soon as I begin the incantation, though, Celestia puts me into a sleeper hold, but she can't quite get me down, so I back into every surface I can, and when she finally lets go, I punch her face, lift her up, and pull a piledriver on her, and she stays down for a good while. So, I begin the spell again, but Celestia, ever the persistent one, gets up.

"You just don't know when to stay down, don't you, bitch?" I say, then, I try to punch her again, but she grabs my arm, and holds her elbow over it, and I start to curse as I realize what she's going to do.

"Please don't break my arm..." I plead.

"No." Celestia says, and the bitch snaps it in half.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream, holding my limp arm. I've never had an arm broken before, and now I know that it HURTS LIKE A FUCKING BITCH!!! So, I roundhouse kick her in the face, sending her sprawling into a shelf, and then shift to my healing spell, and grip my arm, forcing it to heal. It works, and in no time, my arm can move, but it still fucking hurts. So, I wiggle it out, grip my staff, and lunge at her again. This time, though, she grapples me, then pins me into the floor, and holds the back of my neck to keep my head down.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to destroy you now." Celestia says, charging a spell. However, I feel brave, so I bluff:

"Strike me down, Celestia, and I will only become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" I say, and Celestia seems to contemplate this.

"I'll take my chances. Goodbye, Malideus." Celestia says, but before she can fire her spell, I grip her leg, and send enough amperage into her to kill a horse... Which is ironic, because it didn't kill her. Instead, she sat there a while after, then fell to the floor, twitching every so often.

"God, that was annoying." I say, getting up and dusting myself off. Well, I've beaten Celestia again, and I almost died doing so. Still, it was a good day. I got a spell to purge the good from my mind, and I beat up Celestia, and drew a dick on her nephew's face. So, I'm happy. Is anyone else? No. How do I know that? Because I hear an army marching up the stairs. I can't take on an army at my level, so I need an escape. As I look for one, a book drops on my head from the shelf, open on a certain page: Space-Time travel.

"What the hell..?" I ask, looking at it. "Why would I want to travel through time?" I ask. Suddenly, the guards come up the stairs, all led by Twilight, who seems to have healed quite nicely since we last met.

"Malideus, stop. We have you surrounded, just give up." Twilight says. God, I hate this fucking speech.

"For the last time, bitch, I'm not going to give up just because you have an army! I have power, you don't. Now let the grown ups work here!" I say, flipping Twilight the bird.

"I'm tired of this, Malideus! You've just been popping up and ruining everything since you got here! You just mess something up, run away, and then pull some other stunt! What do you want from us?! What do you want us to do?!" Twilight pleads.

"Die." I reply simply, casting a lightning bolt at her, which then arcs to every other pony in the room, save Celestia. Then, I grab the time travel book, and prepare to cast the spell. However, the target is not me, but the Mane Six.

"Ehn... Wha..? What are you doing..?" Twilight asks.

"You and your gang have been pestering me long enough! I think you six need a time out." I say, preparing a time warp.

"Oh, no you don't!" Rainbow Dash says, and she tackles me, interrupting the spellmaking process, and forcing me to dive for cover as a temporal explosion rips the library apart, and me and the mane six almost get turned into starstuff, when the whole maddening display abruptly stops, and is absorbed into a single, point, and that pinprick of purple light then explodes, clouding my vision in white for a second. Then, after a while, I'm able to see again. And just what do I see? Well, I'm in an open area with floating rocks everywhere, and there's a giant table made of stone in front of me, and there's the craziest thing I ever saw in my life right before me: Nicol Bolas, a giant, scythe-wielding demon, an amorphous entity I recognize as Hermaeus Mora, a bird-headed god-like thing, and a heavily-armored, red, demonic guy, all playing poker together.

"The fuck..?" I ask, absolutely positive I'm hallucinating this time. Then, I see the Mane Six next to me, with the same expressions as mine, and I think I majorly fucked up.

"Full Houshe." I hear Hermaeus Mora boom, and the scythe-carrying demon throws his cards into the air.

"You cheating blob! You stacked the damn cards, I know it!" The demon shouts.

"Well he stacked 'em good, losers, 'cuz I got a Royal Flush! Chips for the chip god, bitches!" The armored demon exclaims, throwing his arms over the table to collect the chips.

"Khorne, don't do that, you'll break the table. And Nefarox, maybe if you stopped betting all your fucking chips, you wouldn't lose all the time." The bird-like demon says.

"Fuck you, Tzneetch, You're just jealous because I got all your followers' souls last time!" The Scythe-carrying demon I'm assuming to be Nefarox exclaims, and Tzneetch goes off on him.

"Because you bribed Mora to fold! We both know he would have beat you if you didn't bribe him with half your winnings!"

"Enough, both of you! Jeez, Nurgle and Slaneesh get along better than you two!" Nicol Bolas scolds, causing the demons to sit back down.

"Had to bring germ-monger and superfag into this, didn't you, Bolas?" Khorne asks.

"Don't start with me, Khorne!" Nicol Bolas says.

"If I may interrupt, there are intrudersh in our midsht." Hermaeus Mora says, and Nicol Bolas looks around then sees me and the Mane Six looking on, and so do the rest. Ah, shit.

"HEY! Ain't that the sorcerer that's fuckin' your niece, Bolas?" Khorne asks.

"THAT'S the kid?! I thought he'd be taller! He'd have to be to get it into YOUR niece, Bolas." Nefarox says.

"Yeah. What the hell are you doing here, boy? And who the fuck are they?" Nicol Bolas asks, pointing at the Mane Six, who all look ready to piss themselves.

"Uhhh..." was my brilliant and witty reply.

"Look, kid, I don't have all eternity, I'm in the middle of an important game here. Now tell me what you want and get out." Bolas says, and Tzneetch interjects:

"Maybe those six dragged him here. Interesting specimens, if I do say so myself... Are they for sale, boy?" Tzneetch asks me.

"Hey, lay off, bird face! Those chew toys are MINE!" Khorne says, and Bolas slams his fist on the table, silencing them.

"Shut it, both of you! Malideus, what do you want?!" Bolas asks.

"I just want to go back! These six interrupted a spell I cast and got us all dragged here! Where even IS here, anyway?" I ask, and Bolas sighs, muttering something I don't catch.

"We're in the heart of the warp. And what the hell did you try to cast that sent you here?" Bolas asks.

"Time travel spell." I say, and Bolas nods.

"Ugh, That'll do it. Well, I guess I should send you back..." Bolas says, and Rainbow Dash pipes up:

"Hey! What about us?" she asks.

"What about you?" Nicol Bolas asks. "You six are the ones who interrupted our game. For all I care, you can just be chips." he says.

"I shay we bet them. I quite deshire new shpecies to add to my collection." Hermaeus Mora shays, er, says.

"Yeah, they interrupted, and I want them! Their skulls will make an excellent addition to my throne!" Khorne yells.

"Who says you're getting them? I'm clearly more deserving of such interesting specimens than you." Tzneetch says, drawing the blood god's ire.

"Well, since you guys want them so bad, I think I'll just win them for the sake of not letting you have them!" Nefarox says.

"Oh, fine. We'll put them on top of our current stakes: Dominaria, Mora's book, Nefarox's souls, Tzneetch's prized lab kit, and the ownership of Khorne's cereal brand: Khorne's Khorne Flakes." Nicol Bolas says in a disinterested tone, and the Mane Six vanish in a second, appearing in an orb along with the other winnings. I feel tempted to just leave them, but a sudden twinge of guilt fills me, and I suddenly want to save them, because I know that those demons won't stop at just killing them; they'll make them suffer, and I have enough hate on my head, so my heroic side decides to play for their souls.

"Hey, Nicol, I might actually want those six back." I say.

"Boy, be thankful I'm sending you back to my niece." Bolas says.

"Well, what if I played for them?" I ask. I played a game of poker or two in the past, so how much different could it be with gods? Nonetheless, everyone in the room, save for Hermaeus Mora, looks at me like I'm on drugs. Then, Bolas laughs.

"Kid, do you even PLAY poker?" He asks, and then I let my inner villain out, and bluff the crap out of him.

"Hell yeah. One hand. If I win, I take them with me, and you guys can continue your game." I say, sitting on the mountainous table.

"Right, make an ante, then." Bolas says, and I put my staff on the table.

"Is that the staff that I made you, boy?" Nicol Bolas asks, and I nod.

"Yeah, I'm willing to bet that staff for this game." I say, and the other four nod and mumble in approval. Clearly, they want the staff.

"Boy, if neither of us wins, I'm going to kill you." Nicol Bolas says, then he snaps his fingers, putting the staff into the ante orb.

"Alright, the game's 5-card draw, and the bets are in souls, just like every time. Mora, you deal. And no stacking!" Nicol yells, and Mora grumbles something about getting no respect as he passes the cards, five for each of us. I got a damn good hand, four kings and a 1. Then, the betting begins: First up is Tzneetch.

"I throw 1,500 souls into the pot." Tzneetch says, and I can hear a horrible wail as all those souls go into a crystal in the center of the table. Next is Khorne:

"I raise 2,500." Khorne says, filling the pot with more souls. Crap, I don't have souls. Ah, well, I still have some, from that tree I absorbed. Besides, my luck can't be THAT bad.

"Alright, I call." I say, putting 2,500 souls in there. Then, Hermaeus Mora goes after me.

"I call... ashholesh." Mora says, putting his souls in, and Nicol Bolas goes after.

"I call." Nicol Bolas says, throwing his 2,500 souls in. Finally, Nefarox puts his due into the pot.

"Dammit, Khorne... Call." Nefarox says, and then the cycle repeats, and everyone pretty much calls. Then, we begin the next part. Tzneetch stares at his cards intently, and discards three cards, so he's got two of something, but I don't know what. Khorne hastily discards one card, so I've got to be careful of him. I discard my one spade, and get my replacement: another spade. Big surprise. Next is Hermaeus Mora, who discards three cards, then Nicol Bolas, who doesn't discard a thing, big surprise, and finally Nefarox, who starts chuckling to himself as he discards two cards.

"What's funny, farmhand?" Tzneetch asks.

"Your mom." Nefarox growls, and Khorne snickers.

"Enough. Tzneetch, you gonna bet or fold?" Nicol asks, and Tzneech looks at his cards with hawk-like intensity.

"He's probably got a flush... again." Khorne remarks, and Nefarox groans.

"He ALWAYS gets a fucking straight flush the first hand..." Nefarox says.

"I fold." Tzneetch says, placing his cards to the middle.

"Well, I'll be an Aedra, that'sh a firsht!" Mora says.

"I bet the usual." Khorne says, putting another 2,500 souls in the pot. I, though, have a good hand, so I go for it.

"I raise the bet to 3,000." I say, putting my remaining souls in. Thankfully, I've got a great poker face, and a helmet, so no one can see my game.

"Damn you mortalsh... fold." Mora says.

"Don't get all soggy, Hermy, he's probably all bet out. I call." Bolas says, and Nefarox grumbles something before calling.

"Alright, hands." Nicol Bolas says, and Khorne throws down first:

"Straight, bitches!" Khorne shouts.

"Flush, dickhead! Oh, you got flushed!" Nefarox taunts.

"Full house." Nicol Bolas says, smiling that smug smile of his. Finally, it's my turn.

"Four kings." I say, and I take the pot, shocking everyone, especially Nicol Bolas.

"T-that's not right! I want a rematch!" Khorne demands, slamming his fist to the table.

"Calm down, Khorne. Alright, kid you got lucky that time, but I'm altering the deal. Two more hands, boy, last person with the pot gets the loot." Nicol Bolas says, and I agree. I bet my staff, what choice did I have?

So, the next round proceeded like normal, with Khorne raising first, and I got a crappy hand both times, both being pairs of threes at best, so I folded. but this time, Nefarox folded second round, and Hermaeus Mora almost took the pot with a flush, except that Tzneetch and Bolas tied for a straight flush, which Nicol Bolas, of course won. Then, the final round began, and I got dealt my starting hand: Two kings, and a five. If I discard two, I can win this, because I'm great at bluffing, and so far only two of these guys have proved immune to my poker face: Nicol Bolas, and Tzneetch. So, I bet first: 6,000 souls. Then, like usual, Khorne raises about 1,000 souls, and the others just call the first round. So, second round, I discard my excess two, and get a king and a five: a full house, then raise to 8,000, and everyone but Bolas folds at that point, lacking souls to bet. Nicol, though, has the majority of the pot, and had only discarded one card before, so I have an idea how screwed I am at that point. Still, I have to try, because my limitless power, and the vastly less important Mane Six, are on the line.

"You sure seem sure you'll win this hand, boy." Nicol says, but I ignore him, focusing on his hand.

"I know I'll win, Barney. Now, show your hand." I say.

"You first, Houdini." Bolas says.

"Really? Houdini?" I ask.

"I'm old, boy, just put up or shut up." Nicol Bolas says, so I (reluctantly) put down my hand.

"Full house." I say, expecting some humiliating defeat. Instead, though, Bolas sighs, smiling, and puts down his hand:

"Straight. You win, boy." Nicol Bolas says, and everyone groans in annoyance.

"The boy had a FULL HOUSE!?!? I could have beaten that in my sleep!" Khorn says.

"As if! I had a freakin' four of a kind! The only reason I lost was because you let him raise the bid to 8,000!" Nefarox cries, slamming his head into the table.

"Enough! Malideus won, so he gets the loot." Bolas says. Then, with a snap of his fingers, everything in the Ante orb is in my arms, save the Mane six, who are beside me, and cheering.

"You gave him everything!?" Khorne demands.

"I didn't give him Dominaria. I can't trust that kind of power to this kid. Besides, I still have to see if any of you have the balls to take it from me." Bolas explains.

"That's still bullshit! I worked hard for those legendary souls!" Nefarox complains.

"And what the hell is he going to do with a cereal brand!?" Khorne asks.

"Hey, the mortal shucsheeded. Let him have hish winningsh, and pull out that shword you alwaysh talk about betting." Mora says, and the four then proceed to argue, then place their ante's once more.

"Well, kid, don't lose that loot there, you hear?" Nicol says.

"I hear." I say.

"Good. Now get out of our game. Oh, and one more thing before I forget: I found that your concious is clouded. I'll fix that as soon as you're back in pony-world or whatever. Later, kid." Nicol says, snapping his fingers. Then, Me, my winnings, and the Mane Six reappear in front of the castle, and I feel a great burden lifted from my head. Ah, I finally have a god I can believe in! Before I can walk off, though, Twilight stops me, and thanks me.

"Eh, Well, I don't know what made you save us back there, but thanks." Twilight says.

"This changes nothing between us, pest: next time we meet, you will die. But, nonetheless, you're welcome." I say. Then, I proceed to carry my hard-earned loot back to the cave, eager to tell Mizzy about how I beat her uncle at poker.

Author's Note

Game, set and match!

Ch.15- Wat a tweest!

The orb of over 40,000 souls makes a horrible wail as Mizzy taps it, disturbing the spirits within, and she and the others just sit there, enthralled.

"And you say you got this all from my uncle? Why didn't you tell me you could play poker?" Mizzy asks.

"Never came up." I say simply, looking through Hermaeus Mora's book. As I look, I find all kinds of really cool and easy spells, and the book just never seems to end, no matter how fast I flip through it. Weird, but that's what you get when you play poker with gods, I guess. Still, I find several easy summoning spells, transformation spells, even a weird-but-hilarious spell that swaps the positions of a victim's head and butt, which I am definitely going to try on the next pony I see.

"Well, I think that this is pretty incredible. Nobody has beaten my uncle in centuries, and certainly none as, well, new to it as you." Mizzy says, but I'm not insulted, in fact, I barely care.

"Well, it wasn't easy, if that's any consolation." I say.

"So, what do you intend to do with your loot? A book of infinite magical knowledge, a chest full of the souls of legendary heroes, an eldritch alchemy set, and the rights of ownership to a chaos god's cereal, I can see a lot of fun you can do." Mizzy says, and I suddenly get a brilliant, trollish idea. However, before I can act on them, Mizzy burps up some fire, and a letter appears in the flames, which she reads. Jeez, dragons here are weird. Like, for instance, some, like Mizzy, have boobs, but no nipples. What the hell is the point of that?! And what is up with the wolves here? They're made of wood! In fact, this whole planet would give Charles Darwin an aneurysm! Ugh, and why am I just now noticing this? Anyway, epiphany aside, Mizzy reads the letter, then hands it to me.

"It's for you." She says, and I read the letter aloud:

"Dear Master Malideus,

I, High King Archimedes of the griffon kingdom, request an audience with his esteemed maliciousness, in hopes of striking a deal of peace and prosperity between us. Should you accept, please send word of your arrival, so that refreshments may be in order.

with great respect, High King Archimedes." I read, nodding in approval. Ah, my first "please don't kill us" letter, I feel so fulfilled.

"Wow, Mal, first my uncle, now this? Talk about moving up." Mizzy says, and Whip giggles, jumping for joy.

"Our first real allies! Yay!" Whip cheers, and I feel happy for her.

"Alright, I'll pay them a little visit. But I have to make an impression! Whip, start writing. Mizzy, you can send a letter back, right?" I ask.

"I received one, didn't I? Yeah, I can send one back." Mizzy says.

"Alright, Whip, write this down:

Dear King Archimedes:

I accept your offer of peace, and will arrive tomorrow to discuss peace terms with you. I hope we can reach something that proves beneficial for both of us.

Sincerely, Malideus." I say, and Whip finishes writing the note... in her own blood?

"Whip, why the fuck did you write this with your blood?" I ask, looking at the pale, green liquid composing the words.

"We didn't have ink, sir. Plus, you said you wanted to make an impression, and what better way to say 'bloodthirsty overlord of death and chaos' than with letters written in blood?" Whip says, and I have to say, that's pretty genius.

"Alright, that's smart. Alright, Mizzy, send it." I say, and Mizzy takes the letter, and it vanishes in a burst of green fire, concluding that bit of business.

"Okay, that's done, but what how do we make sure Celestia doesn't mess up our base while you're gone?" Whip asks.

"Well, I took down the smartest guys in the multiverse, so I think I can think of something." I say, looking towards Canterlot.

"I just need leverage to assure that she doesn't come snooping as usual, you see..? Ah! I got it!" I say, looking at my new book, The Oghma Infinium, and flipping through it.

"Ah, here it is... Shadow teleport. As long as I'm in a shaded area, I can go or send anyone anywhere I can envision with sufficient detail." I say, summarizing the page.

"Yeah, that's great and all, but what is leverage going to do to help us?" Mizzy asks.

"Well, in all my experience with convoluted villain plans, They always fail, but they take the heroes days to foil. What I'm going to do is I'm going to kidnap Luna, and force Celestia to get her back." I say.

"Mal, that's the stupidest plan I've ever heard. One, Luna's a goddess. Two, Celestia can teleport." Mizzy says.

"Yeah, but that's why I'm going to construct six... yeah, this isn't going to work. Screw it, I'm just going to do what I should have done when I first got an army and end it right..." I try to complete my speech, when six familiar figures run into my lair, all panting like they ran, and interrupt me.

"Malideus... *pant*... we need... *wheeze*... We need your help!" One says, Twilight Sparkle, the one I... wait, what the fuck are they doing in my lair?!?! Where the fuck were the devils!?!?

"What the fuck?! Twilight?! What are you and your friends doing, walking into my, er, our, lair like you own the place?! How the fuck did you get past the devils!?" I ask, panicking, as no one does a fucking thing to apprehend them.

"Malideus, wait, we just came for your help, no harm! After your last attack on our city, The changelings invaded, and have us in a stranglehold! We need your help, fast! Celestia can't hold them off!" Twilight says, tears in her eyes.

"And why the hell should I help you?" I ask, still not sure why the devils didn't kill them.

"Because, we offer our surrender if you help us, by decree of Celestia herself! Please, Malideus, they have a demon!" Twilight says, grabbing my attention. Demons could be turned, and if I had my own demon...

"Alright, I'll help." I say, and Mizzy and Whip look at me like I'm on drugs.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?!" They cry in unison.

"Mal, they're your sworn enemies! You can't help them, smite them or something and be done with it!" Mizzy says.

"Yeah, sir, and I don't like this turn of events! I smell a twist, and not a good one! I think we shouldn't get involved." Whip says in turn. I actually contemplate this, because I don't like it either, but they offered to surrender, which means I can do whatever I want to their kind.

"Sorry, guys, Celestia DID offer to surrender, and besides, I need to take down their demon, in case it comes for me next. I'm going." I say finally, and Mizzy shrugs.

"Alright, but I'm..." She says, but I cut her off.

"YOU are not doing anything. I never risk my followers for anything they aren't guaranteed to win, and I don't intend to lose either of you today." I say.

"Aww, Mal, that's sweet." Mizzy says, blushing.

"Yes that's nice and all, but can we get going? We're kinda dying out there!" Rainbow Dash says, tugging my arm.

"You don't have the right to touch me, scum! You're lucky I'm helping you at all, and I mean REALLY FUCKING lucky!" I say, pulling my robes away from her.

"Now let's get to the castle, before someone thinks I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart." I say, and so we walk, out of the cave, through the Everfree, and we get through Ponyville when those fetid ponies try to make conversation with me.

"Mal, you know we could get there faster if you just let us carry you." Twilight says, noting my slow walk, which, by the way, is purely intentional.

"I don't want your help! Besides, the later I get there, the more the city gets destroyed." I say.

"Which is what we're trying to avoid, numbskull!" Rainbow Dash exclaims.

"Which is what YOU'RE trying to avoid." I correct.

"Twilight, can't we just knock 'im out and carry 'im ta Canterlot?" Applejack asks.

"You seem to forget that I'm right behind you, hillbilly. if any of you even try to speed me from my perfectly-fine troll-stroll, I'll kill you and go home." I say, and that shuts up Applejack pretty fast.

"Malideus, please, were really scraping the barrel here by asking for your help. Could you just TRY to be a little more reasonable?" Twilight asks.

"No! My wizard feet demand ground to walk upon, and frankly, your kind disgusts me. So, no, I will not be touched, carried, or even looked at for prolonged periods of time by you disgusting aberrations of nature!" I say, hitting Twilight on the head with my staff.

"Ow, fine! Jeez, why are you such a jerk?" Twilight asks.

"Why are you asking for MY help? Can't you six just turn the demon to stone, or teach it friendship or something?" I ask, genuinly angered and confused.

"The elements can't help us with this one! They've brought the legendary Kragda-Maul, the Thing that should not be!" Twilight says as we walk along the tracks.

"Yeah? If he's so 'legendary', then why have I never heard about him?" I ask, doubting their integrity. I'm starting to think this is all a trick.

"What?! That's impossible! Everyone at least KNOWS about the Thing that should not be! He's what mothers tell their children to make them go to bed and stuff! How do you not know about him?" Pinkie Pie asks.

"Well, did you ever consider I may not be from here?" I ask.

"What, like, from Equestria? Kragda-Maul is a legend everywhere in the world, and goes by that same name by everyone! To not at least hear about him would make you... like..." Twilight trails off.

"An alien!" Pinkie Pie finishes.

"No, Pinkie, he's not an alien, hes just a jerk. That doesn't make him an alien... Does it?" Twilight ponders, and I laugh, deciding that this ruse has played out long enough.

"She's not wrong. I'm not just not from Equestria, I'm not from this universe." I say, and the six gasp in shock, even Pinkie Pie, who knows this already.

"What? That's absurd! I mean, I've heard of some pegusi and earth ponies being able to use unicorn magic, but, interdemensional visitors? That's not possible!" Twilight says, and I just laugh.

"How Naive. Didn't I already explain this to you, Twilight?" I ask, and Twilight is struck with a look of confusion, which strikes me as odd. I can see Pinkie Pie forgetting things in a 73-hour period, but Twilight always struck me as the kind that would have a great memory. Still, I did beat them up pretty bad in the past, I probably knocked it out of their heads at some point.

"Anyway, I am no pony, nor am I anything else from this world. I... am human." I say, and the others gasp again, then begin to murmur among themselves.

"Malideus... What exactly IS a human?" Twilight asks.

"A miserable pile of secrets. But if you want the literal definition, a human is a species of primate of the family Homo Sapiens, which, in turn, are the products of millions of years of evolutionary perfection. In short, I am the perfect example of a human." I say.

"So you're all jerks?" Rainbow Dash asks, and I laugh.

"Yes, yes we are. Some of us, though, have learned of your teachings of love and tolerance, and are trying to convert my world to your way of thinking. These humans are ostracized and ridiculed often, and are currently being weeded out." I say, shocking the six ponies.

"What?! That's horrible! Why would you do such a thing to your own kind, especially when their ideas are right?" Twilight asks.

"Because we don't like those ideas. Well, I don't anyway. That is why I'm here: To rid my world of your corruption, and show you fetid little prey animals that sunshine and sparkles will not make everything better. In fact, as soon as we're done here, I'm going to end you six where you stand." I say, causing the Mane Six to shudder.

"We'll see about that, Malideus! You probably won't even make it past the demon!" Applejack says.

"I think I will." I say. Then, Twilight tries conversation again, which annoys me, but what the hell?

"So, what does a human look like? Can you take off your helmet and show us?" Twilight asks, and I laugh.

"Ha ha ha ha, no." I say, shooting her down.

"Why not?" Twilight asks.

"You're treading in dangerous territory, pest. Back off, or else." I say, and Twilight shuts up. The remainder of the trip is spent in silence as we walk the many miles to the castle. Once we get there, The six seem to despair as the castle and city lie in ruins, while I'm only upset that the changelings beat me to it.

"Eugh, it's like a zerg hive..." I mutter as I step over some black gunk on the ground that connects to a pod of sorts.

"So, do I pop that, or what?" I ask, pointing my staff it the strange pod.

"No!" Cries Twilight as she grabs my staff. "Your magic is too dangerous! If you blow it up, or freeze it, the pony inside could die!" Twilight says, and I yank my staff from her.

"Just let me try, dammit!" I say, but now everyone's stopping me.

"Your magic will kill them! Just let it be, we'll free them later, after you help Celestia!" Twilight says, and I sigh.

"Fine. I'd better get to blow up some changelings, though." I say, and we walk on, into the castle.

"So, where's the demon?" I ask, and I'm rewarded with a horrible roar, as a section of wall flies inward, revealing... well, I don't rightly know what it is. It looks like a human, but eight feet tall, easily, and pitch black. In fact, I could go stereotypical and say it looked like it was made of shadows or whatever, but it honestly didn't, it just looked like a bald, naked Hulk Hogan that got pitch dumped on him. Yeah, he was even dripping the black stuff. Plus, he had four giant, jagged spikes on its back, and red eyes that reminded me of monobear, if both sides were the black side.

"That's Kragda-Maul!" Twilight cries. Then, the demon starts talking in a condescending, really deep British accent:

"Yes, I am Kragda-Maul. Malideus, my good man, you have taken far too long to get here: I've been dying to finally meet you in person. Or, should I use your real name?" The demon says, making my blood boil.

"You're Kragda-Maul? I expected someone called 'the Thing that should not be' to be, you know, taller?" I retort, and Kragda-Maul seems surprised.

"My, quite a mouth on you, my evil friend. If you're looking for Celestia, she's in the throne room." The inky demon says, jerking his thumb behind him.

"So, what? Skipping the fight and going straight to the directions?" I ask, and the demon shrugs.

"I only seek to help whenever I can, my anti-heroic friend." The demon says, and I can tell he's speaking in riddles, but I honestly don't care. The sooner I kill Chrysalis and Celestia, the better.

"Alright, thanks for the tip, bro." I say, offering a fist bump, which the demon returns with gusto.

"Anytime." Kragda-Maul says, before vanishing. Then, I suddenly get the feeling that I'll be seeing more of him.

"He let us pass..." Twilight says, sounding like she knew this would happen, further fueling my 'It's a trap!' theory. Nonetheless, we press on, up the stairs. Amazingly, I don't see any changelings, but their signs are everywhere. I smell a trap, or my name's wurfenhiemer the third... and it's not. Still, no demon, I can take them. Finally, we enter the main throne room, and there, surprise, surprise, is Chrysalis, looking all smug.

"Ah, Malideus, so glad you could join us." she says, and I sigh, holding my head.

"Celestia was beaten the whole time, wasn't she?" I ask.

"I'm afraid so. This whole attempt to get you here was just..."

"A trap?" I interrupt, shocking Chrysalis. "Yeah, I said it first, because I'm not dumb. Those probably aren't even the real Mane Six, are they?" I ask, and the Fake Six return to normal changelings.

"Well, way to kill the fun of the situation, Malideus. I thought you wanted to kill ponies, not fun..." Chrysalis pouts.

"I want to kill everything. Now, this can end one of two ways: You let me go, and I kill you quickly, or you resist, and I rape you up the ass before I kill you slowly and painfully, or secret option C, you give me Celestia, I eat her heart, and we both walk away." I offer, and Chrysalis frowns, thinking.

"I really want you out of the way, Malideus, and I went to all this trouble to set up an ambush... So no, I think it will be ME raping YOU to death, boy." Chrysalis says, getting up.

"Grab him!" she commands, and the changelings behind me (who, despite their chitinous shells, have very pillowy breasts, by the way) grapple me, but I don't even budge. Instead, I just electrocute the poor drones, and advance on Chrysalis, who looks terrified.

"You thought I was fucking kidding, bitch? Did you think you could cross Malideus TWICE and get away with it?" I ask, and Chrysalis trips, falling backward into the throne.

"I... I... this was all a mistake! I would never.."

"Save it, whore. As of this moment, you have now become my bitch. Now, you know what you're gonna do, Bitch?" I ask, and Chrysalis shakes her head.

"You, bitch, are now going to suck my awesome wizard dick, because you pissed me off." I say.

"Uh... I don't..." Chrysalis stutters, pushing back in her seat, but I slap her, shutting her up.

"You don't what, bitch?" I ask threateningly. Chrysalis then sighs and gets on her knees, resigning to her fate.

Needless to say, it was the single greatest moment of my entire life, ever. What? I dig fangs.

As soon as she finished, I then pimp-slapped her for deceiving me, knocking the queen unconscious, and walked out of the room, my pride reaching critical mass. Now, I had to find Celestia or Luna, or even the Mane six, because I wanted, no, NEEDED the bitch that tricked me to get caught, and tell her captors just what I did to her. I finally make it to the hospital, and find Luna asleep in a cocoon. So, I use a spell to corrode the cocoon, and I then get a glass of water and splash it on her, waking her up.

"Huh? What? I'm up, I'm... You!" Luna exclaims.

"Yep, me." I retort.

"What nerves you must have to return here after all you've done!" Luna says, getting up.

"Yeah, yeah, save the speech, you have a bigger problem to worry about. Everyone's in gross sacks, Celestia's down, and Chrysalis is unconscious in the throne room for no reason. Now get some real clothes on, and get this mess cleaned up." I say.

"And who are you to give orders to me?" Luna asks menacingly.

"Ahem, remember that deal you made, the day I slapped you so hard you passed out? I'm enacting on that now. I own you, 'princess', and my first order is that you free Celestia and the Mane Six, and then let them clean up. After that, meet me in the ruins of Ponyville tomorrow, at midnight, for your... change in management." I say, and Luna nods, tears in her eyes.

"Good girl. See you later, Luna." I say, scratching her chin. Then, I run out of the castle, and begin my long, agonizing trip back to the lair, eager to share my story. Within an hour of walking, I meet up with a familiar, inky demon: Kragda-Maul.

"Hello, Malideus... or should I say Chris? I do hope that dealing with my employer was as fun for you to do as it was for me to watch." Kragda-Maul says.

"You were watching? Gross." I say, continuing.

"I don't mind. I love such vulgar displays of dominance and depravity, and besides, I'm not the one who stuck my..."

"Alright, I get it! So, what, are you gonna follow ME around, now, or what?" I ask.

"Well, I thought of it, but I know you don't like being followed, so I thought better of it. However, I do have two things I wish to offer you, free of charge." the demon says, and I find myself intrigued by the offer.

"Go on..." I say.

"I offer you two things, Malideus: One, a tip on your future. Two, instantaneous teleportation to your lair. Do you accept?" Kragda-Maul asks, and I accept, seeing nothing better to do.

"Alright, give me my fortune and get me home." I say, and Kragda-Maul's ever-present smile seems to grow in intensity.

"Alright, here's the... 'deal', as it were: You are going to be visited by an ancient, vengeful evil, and an old, reformed wildcard. Each will try to claim you, but three choices will be yours: left, right, or middle. You can choose one, or blow it all off, it's your call." Kragda-Maul says, and I get confused.

"Wait, so, like, do I have to make a choice?" I ask.

"No, those are just three options presented to you. I don't know which you'll make, nor do I actually care. All I said was that this is going to happen, and it will; What you do then has yet to be written. Oh, and by the way, the griffon king's hot daughter may or may not try to seduce you. If she does, don't go for it, bitch be mad cray-cray." The smooth-talking demon warns, and before I can thank him for his limitless insight, everything vanishes, and I'm suddenly in front of Mizzy's cave. So, naturally, I go inside, and everyone's looking at me funny.

"Hello, minions." I say, sitting down.

"That was fast..." Mizzy says unbelievingly.

"Yes, sir, how did you get there and back before nightfall?" Whip asks.

"I had help. Turns out, they DID have a demon. Also turns out, he didn't like the changelings, so he helped me out." I say, remembering his fortune about the three roads and the griffon king's cray-cray daughter.

"Well, I'm glad you had fun." Mizzy says, and Whip yawns, then pauses, sniffing the air, and turning to me.

"Mal-er, sir... You smell like the queen." Whip says, and Mizzy interjects:

"Of course he does: He probably got her all over the place, just made a mess of her, I'll bet. I'll bet it felt good, too." Mizzy says, and I have to refrain from laughing.

"No, I mean... Ah, forget it." Whip says, going back to the torture chamber.

Then, wordlessly, I pass into deep, sweet sleep, dreams of conquest in my head. Oh, yes, tomorrow was going to be grand...

Author's Note

Remember, suggestions are welcome. Also, Malideus is now accepting applications from aspiring young (or ancient) anarchists with dreams of total governmental collapse! To submit an application, PM me the OC's name, height, gender, likes, dislikes, Bio, and theme song (if applicable), and pictures could help some, too. Then, I'll go over them to see if they are fit to join the glorious army of Malideus! Remember, there are no dumb or overpowered OCs here, just the weak and the in-the-way. Good luck, heathens! Ubie, out.

Ch.16- L.O.A: League of Anarchists, part one: Into the Wilderness

"More letters?" I say disinterestedly as Mizzy burps up, surprise, surprise, more letters, from people asking to join my army.

"Yes... I can't possibly Imagine why." Mizzy says, quite irate. I understand, too: the letters have been coming in for three days, by air, animal, and, of course, dragon, and it's flattering and all, but it's also starting to grate my nerves.

"What are we going to do with all this attention, sir? Surely an army would interfere with your plots..." Whip ponders. Suddenly, after hearing the word 'army', I get a brilliant idea.

"Whip, Kelias, I have a job for you three. Whip, you write down some responses... Using INK, please. Tell them to meet me here, whenever possible for a live interview. Kelias, you and your devils get to distribute them. If they got here, they have to have a return address. If you can't find one, just get Mizzy to do it." I say.

"What!? That's over half the letters!" Mizzy cries.

"Not my problem. Now, get over here so you can take me to the griffon kingdom. I have that meeting, and I need to keep schedule." I say, but Mizzy huffs, mumbling, then she responds with the most infuriating answer I ever heard:

"Find it yourself, I've got letters to send." she says.

"W-what!? This... I won't stand this insubordination!" I yell, but Mizzy laughs.

"Yes, you will, because my uncle is Nicol Bolas. In fact, you're lucky I'm even doing THIS for you." Mizzy says, reclining on her horde, and sending a letter Whip hands her.

"How am I supposed to get to my meeting in time!?" I demand, furious beyond words.

"Not my problem." Mizzy says, mockingly imitating my voice as she says it.

"This isn't over, Mizzietta! You haven't heard the last of this!" I yell, storming out of the cave.

"Watch out for the cliff!" Mizzietta calls, but too late (likely intentionally), for I've already stormed off the edge, and fallen several feet into the ground. God, I hate my life. did I mention I hate cliffs, too? Still, I dust myself off, and walk off into the forest, because the last thing I want is to get lost again. Once that's done, I'll just get Kragda-Maul to get me there. He helps people, so how hard can he be to find? So, I walk in a straight line to the Ponyville ruins, which I may have to rename, since the whole town is now basically going to be remade in my image: Huge, spiky towers, with large statues in my honor, and machines of war, riding into battle against my foes! Ah, what glory. However, as I walk whilst thinking, I trip on a root, interrupting my thoughts of conquest.

"The fuck?! Stupid root, stupid tree!" I say, kicking the tree it was attached to. Then, I march on, in a pretty bad mood. Hours pass, and I continue to wander, unsure of why I wasn't getting out. Then, after what seems like forever (though it was probably only seven minutes), I find out why I can't get out. After hours of searching, I stumbled on the ruins of 'old Canterlot', as I've heard it be called. Yes, the place where I destroyed the Tree of Harmony, and fought Celestia... twice. However, something seemed off. If I recall correctly, the place didn't have this many plants growing on it. And the plants didn't move, last I checked.

"What the-?! I'VE BEEN GOING DEEPER!!!" I shout, suddenly realizing my predicament. Now, I was no longer interested in the castle, but in burning the forest to the ground for making me late for something important.

"I hate this place! Where's Kragda-Maul when you need him?" I ask, turning around to head out.

"Kragda-Maul!? Who's bringing that guy here?!" A small, high-pitched voice cries, and I almost jump out of my skin at the suddenness of the response.

"What the..? Who's there? Don't fuck with me, or I'll do to you like I did to the tree of harmony!" I shout, waving my staff around like a moron.

"Woah, hey, watch where you're stepping!" The voice cries again, and I look down... and am not amused. Now, at my feet, is a small, humanoid creature, but with few features to speak of, save a proportionally-large water lily on its head, two small, beady eyes, with spots around each one that look like flower petals, a little black nose, and a large mouth. In short, it looked like something out of an anime... and I hate anime.

"What in the ever-loving fuck are you?" I ask, not really liking what I'm looking at.

"What am I?! I'm Kherrie, the goddess of the Dark Harvest! Destroyer of interlopers, ravager of civilizations, devourer of life!" The little creature says, striking a dramatic pose.

"... Yeah, sure." I say, walking away.

"Huh? W-wait! I'm serious! I really am all that! Even if I am a little strapped for power at the moment, I am still..."

"Right, right, and I'm the twenty-fourth president of mars. Piss off, pipsqueak!" I say, walking faster. Suddenly, though, the annoying little runt appears on my shoulder, and turns my head toward her, startling me.

"I know who YOU are Malideus! I saw you burn down that fetid little pony town!" Kherrie says.

"Ugh, EVERYONE saw that! I don't really CARE who you say you are, I have to get to the griffon kingdom before I'm late! Now, get lost, so I can find Kragda-Maul." I say, and Kherrie seems to shudder at the name.

"Why would you need that jerk? I can get you there just as fast. Plus, I'm in plain sight, whereas you have to find Kragda-Maul!" Kherrie says, and I quickly become interested in how this little shrub knows the demon.

"How do you know of Kragda-Maul?" I ask.

"How do you think I know of him, you dingus? I'm an old god, just like him! However, we have a... violent history, if you will." Kherrie says solemnly.

"See, it all started back when the world was young, when spirits ruled the land, laying claim to different elements..." Kherrie says, but I interrupt her.

"Yeah, I love a good story as much as the next guy, but can we get the abridged version? I'm in a hurry, and your voice is pissing me off." I say, and Kherrie sighs.

"Alright, look, I'm the old god of nature, he's the old god of chaos and irony, and I may have killed his brother at some point." Kherrie says, and I actually, for some odd, inexplicable reason, I believe her.

"Okay, so, I believe that Kragda-Maul's a god, he certainly looks the part. But you? You look more like a pixie or something. And why are you following me, anyway?"

"Because, I want a part of what you're doing here. Celestia ruined my eternity, and I want to end hers." Kherrie says.

"You want to end her too, huh? What could she have possibly done to you?" I ask the small creature.

"I used to be awesome! Greatness, power, I had everything! But then the ponies come in and cut down MY trees and 'befriend' MY creatures, and so, when I fight back, Celestia takes my powers away." Kherrie explains, downtrodden.

"She can do that!?" I ask, now slightly more terrified of her.

"She can, and it sucks. Now, my physical manifestations, like this one," she says, gesturing to her small figure."...all require sustenance to survive. Plus, I can't even maintain my true form for more than two hours!" Kherrie explains irately.

"Ah, so you need me to get them back, I suspect." I say.

"Nah, I can't get my powers back. However, YOU can kill sun-butt for me, and help me take over the world! Well, whaddaya say, partners?" Kherrie asks extending her, eh, I want to say hand, but it's more a stump, like a teddy bear. I'm frankly shocked by the suddenness of her offer, but I don't see any way I'd want her to join me.

"I don't know, I've already got a lot of people wanting to join my little army. Why should I consider you?" I ask.

"Well, I can still control nature, so I can do the little things, like grow your food for you, or get rid of the enemies'! Plus, I know you're lost. Let me in on this, and I'll give you a shortcut to the griffon kingdom, free of charge!" Kherrie says, and I consider it. Plus, she said that this was only her base form, so I can only assume that, like planting a seed, it will pay off if I give it some time and attention. Still, I want to milk this for all its worth before I make my final decision.

"Hmmm... I'm still not quite convinced. Besides, Why choose to help ME, instead of some other villain?" I ask.

"Because there ARE no others. Those ponies keep defeating everything the universe throws at them like it was a weekly chore. But you... None of us, not me, not the ponies, not anyone in the world has seen a villain like you! The ponies can't defeat you, not even the princesses! If there was ever a hope for me, you're it! So, come on, please?" Kherrie pleads, and I sigh, succumbing to her 'puppy eyes'.

"Fine. Just get me to the griffon kingdom fast, and I'll let you in." I say, and the childish 'old god' jumps up, and puts her stumpy 'hand' in my face.

"Ah-ah-ah! We have to shake on it, or it doesn't count!" Kherrie says, waving her arm in my face.

"I have to?" I ask.

"Yep! Come on, shake! Shake, shake, shake..." the annoying little shrub chants without end, until I lose it.

"Alright, fine!" I say, gripping her arm with crushing strength, and shaking her up and down. As soon as I finish, though, I feel a strange chill come over me, like that icky something-bad's-gonna-happen feeling, but much smaller. So I ignore it, thinking it to just be a breeze.

"Owowowowow... you didn't have to be so rough, you meanie!" Kherrie whines.

"Yes I did. Now, get me out of this damned forest." I demand, and the childish sprite gets up, jumps off my shoulder, and starts marching a random direction.

"This way!" Kherrie says, tugging my robes, much to my dismay. So, I follow her past the ruins. We then go in a straight line for most of the time, with Kherrie occasionally stopping, looking left and right for a minute or two, then telling me to follow her in a random other direction. I really want to question her, but that, I know, would be futile, because she knows this forest better than I do. But then I realize something: What if she's leading me in circles? Or into a trap? She might just be luring me somewhere to leave me to die, or worse. I shudder at the thought of what might be 'worse', but I stay calm. If the runt tries anything, I'll destroy her, and burn the forest to the ground. Suddenly, though a lone timber wolf, with violet eyes, which is weird, jumps into my path, drawing my ire.

"Fuck this shit!" I say, charging a fireball and preparing to launch it. This seems to aggravate the wooden pooch, and it growls, preparing to dodge. I've never been attacked by a timber wolf before, probably for various reasons, but there's a first time for everything, I suppose. For instance, this was going to be the first time I saw how fast a timber wolf burns

"Alright, mutt, let's..."

"WAIT! Cool it, Otsuna, he's with me." Kherrie says, and the wolf stops growling, looking curiously at us. Damn, I really wanted to kill something.

"Well, that was anticlimactic." I say solemnly, expecting something fun to happen for once. "And here I thought I was getting a fight..."

"I suppose, though it would not have been so much a fight, as a beat-down, prey." The timber wolf says, in a distinct Scandinavian accent. Now, I know what you're thinking: that animal just talked, and I'd never seen that before. So, logically, I should be startled, or at least interested. But I was teleported into a world of anthropomorphic ponies, raped by a dragon, 'befriended' a masochistic changeling, and played poker with gods. At this point, nothing short of a portal back home would surprise me. Or if I suddenly met rule 63 version of me, that'd be kind of odd. Hmm... if I met said version of me, and screwed her, would that be incest or masturbation? Wait, why am I think of having sex with a female version of myself when there's a talking wolf in front of me, calling me 'prey'?

"Who're you calling prey, Fido?" I ask menacingly.

"I'm female, simpleton." the timber wolf retorts.

"You talk like I care, bitch." I reply, wondering if I should end her anyway.

"Quite the mouth on him. Where did you find this one, Kherrie?" the wolf asks, looking to the small plant imp-thing.

"Otsuna, this is Malideus, our ticket back into business." Kherrie says, gesturing towards me.

"Is that so? I heard of the wizard, but I always assumed he would be more, you know, menacing?" Otsuna remarks. Honestly, I'm getting tired of the snarkiness of this world's inhabitants.

"So you've heard of me? That's quite odd, seeing how we're in the middle of the woods. In fact, it seems that everyone on the damned planet's heard of me." I say. Honestly, just how fast does word spread around here?

"Yes, all races have heard of Malideus, the Scourge Eternal. However, I heard that he was much more threatening. Ten feet tall, made of muscles, armor as black as the darkest night... It seems my sources were mistaken." Otsuna explains.

"Okay, we all get that he's no demon incarnate, but let's be reasonable here, he's our ticket to striking back at the ponies! I'm just taking him to the griffon kingdom so he can do something, and then we'll be back on top! You've heard what he's done, and though he seems a little scrawny, he's the best chance we have! Now, let us pass, so he can do his thing!" Kherrie pleads, and Otsuna sighs, shaking her head.

"Fine. I wish you luck, Malideus." Otsuna finally says, turning to walk away.

"I don't need luck." I say, walking past the timber wolf.

"It seems the rumors of his cockiness weren't fabricated in the slightest. A male after my own heart." the wolf says, eyeing me.

"Don't even think about it, pooch. The dragon was enough for me, I don't want to risk splinters." I say, keeping some distance between me and the unusual wolf.

"Fine. I'm still coming with you, though." Otsuna says.

"I don't care! Follow if you want, I could use the leverage. Now, are we going or not?" I ask impatiently.

"Of course! Follow me!" Kherrie says, marching onward. As we go onward, Otsuna starts asking questions.

"So, Malideus, where DO you come from?" She asks.

"My mom. If you're asking how I got here, I have no idea. On a similar note, why are you talking? In all my time here, I've never seen a timber wolf talk." I remark.

"Well, as you can see from my eyes, I am no ordinary wolf. I am, in fact, very different. The earth-magic that binds us was stronger than normal, resulting in the danger that is me. I was ostracized from every pack for this, and some... other complications with hierarchy. So, I wandered my whole life, until I met Kherrie. We have been allies ever since." Otsuna replies.

"It's true! She's very useful, and friendly!" Kherrie says.

"When I want to be..." Otsuna says. "So, Malideus, what has driven you to be such a sworn enemy of the ponies?" Otsuna asks.

"What, you ask? Well, there's no reason I can tell you. I just hate them, and always have. All their cutesy, sparkly, friendly ways... it makes me sick! I hate them for everything they do! I want to watch them burn until they learn that their way is wrong!" I yell, not intentionally, of course.

"I see. Quite a story, if I say so myself. So, what brings you to our little part of the woods?" Otsuna asks.

"Probably destiny!" Kherrie intervenes.

"It can't be anything short of that..." I mutter loudly.

"You can't possibly believe that. Destiny is a myth, something the weak use to justify their actions. What truly brought you here?" Otsuna asks.

"Trouble at the lair. I got no ride, so I walk." I say simply, and Otsuna seems to smile, if wooden dogs CAN smile.

"We're almost there!" Kherrie says, and indeed, the air has gotten drastically colder, and all the trees have become pines.

"What the hell? We've only walked a couple of hours at most!" I cry, staring in disbelief as we exit the forest, looking at a massive castle in the mountains.

"Because, I'm the forest goddess, silly!" Kherrie says, poking my helmet where my nose would be.

"It's true, she IS the forest goddess." Otsuna says, shivering.

"Whatever, let's just get over there, so I can finish this business." I say, walking to the castle, two stragglers in tow. As soon as I reach city limits, two griffon guards, who, by the way, look pretty much like regular griffons, but standing upright, stop me.

"Halt! No ponies past this point!" One says, so I grab him by the neck and lift him into the air.

"Who are you calling a pony, griffon? I am Malideus, the Scourge Eternal! Now git, before I destroy you." I say, tossing him aside while the other guard backs up to avoid my wrath. So, I continue unhindered, walking through the city to the main castle. I notice the architecture here is much simpler here than with the ponies, but I like that. I also notice the griffon citizens who stare at me, fear in their hawk-like eyes. Pretty much what I expected: Upright-standing griffons wearing togas and the occasional one with actual pants or a skirt. However, there's more than just eagles; there's doves, crows, hawks, even seagulls. Finally, after noting the city, I reach the castle where a guard stops me.

"Malideus, I assume?" A guard asks.

"Yeah." I reply simply.

"Yes, the high king is waiting inside." The guard says.

"Excellent." I say, getting into character.

"Um, I must ask you to leave your pets outside..." The guard says, but I ignore him.

"That's... not going to happen." I say, walking past him. So, I walk into the main castle. Nice architecture, if I do say so myself. Not as grandiose as the ponies' capital castle, granted, but still very nice. Finally, after walking through the heavy double doors, I see the king himself: a well-built, tall griffon, with grand, purple, gem-studded clothes, sitting at a throne at the end of a long banquet table. Basically, the picture of a king. Well, aside from me, of course. Actually, I'm more of an overlord, so scratch that thought. Suddenly, the king clears his throat, and addresses me, arms open;

"Ahh, Malideus! I'll ignore that you were a tad late, seeing as it was only a few minutes..."

"A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives exactly when he means to." I interrupt, excusing my lateness with that awesome quote.

"Ehrm, yes, I see. Still, we have refreshments, as promised. Please, have a seat, and let us talk peace." Archimedes says, and I almost drool as the servants bring in roasted meat and wine. Hey, I'm not much of a drinker, but there's a first time for everything, right? So, I sit at the far end from Archimedes, Kherrie gets up and climbs on the table, mowing down on the various meat products before her, while Otsuna sits there, munching on a turkey leg.

"Your... friends... seem quite hungry." Archimedes notes.

"I prefer the term acquaintances; I don't make 'friends'." I say, sipping at my wine. I don't really like wine, but whatever. When in Rome, I guess.

"Oh. Then I suppose that you wouldn't consider us 'friends' when you take over?" Archimedes asks.

"I will consider my allies, if that's what you're asking. See, you made a great choice in surrendering yourselves to me: I've recently made a breakthrough in the annihilation of the ponies: I'm recruiting an army. However, like any army, it needs food. You, Archimedes, will supply that food, and whatever else I decide we need, if you are to keep my army from 'accidentally' burning your lovely city to the ground. I assume we're clear?" I ask.

"Is that a threat?" Archimedes asks warily.

"Oh, Archimedes, do you think me so shallow, as to threaten a king in his own home? No, 'threat' is such a strong, nasty word. I prefer the term 'warning'. See? Much nicer. However, much like a threat, a warning is still to be taken seriously, as you understand." I say, and Archimedes sits lower in his throne.

"I... I understand your position, Malideus. We certainly do not wish anything to come between our alliance. I will agree to these terms, should you allow us to continue existing." Archimedes says, and I smile beneath my helmet.

"Excellent. But, in truth, this whole arrangement seems so one-sided. I would very much like not to be known as selfish, or greedy, so, I offer a gift myself, to honor this momentous occasion." I say, pulling out the Oghma Infinium.

"Oh? And what would be this 'gift'?" Archimedes says, looking at the book.

"A spell, good king. I can summon a portion of the devils at my disposal to protect your lands, in the event you should come under attack." I say, readying a mass summoning spell.

"Ah, uh, no thank you, Malideus, we have sizable forces enough." Archimedes says, looking worried.

"Suit yourself." I say, putting the book away. "So, king, I heard you have a daughter. Any truth to that?" I ask, remembering Kragda-Maul's cryptic warning.

"Yes, I, uh, I do. Why? You don't intend to sacrifice her, do you?" Archimedes asks, both jokingly and nervously.

"Of course not, I was simply making small talk. Where is she, if I may ask?" I, well, ask.

"Well, she's off making a treaty with someone else, you know how diplomacy is, ha ha." Archimedes chuckles.

"Indeed. Well, if there's no paperwork, I'd say our business is concluded." I say, getting up.

"Oh, wait, Malideus!" Archimedes calls after me, and I stop. "Surely you are exhausted from walking the whole way here?" he asks.

"I'm fine." I say.

"Well, it would still be an honor if you were to rest here for tonight, to be sure!" Archimedes says.

"I can't. I have business elsewhere, involving royalty, no less. You know how diplomacy is." I say, getting up.

"Aww..." Kherrie whines, putting down her half-finished drumstick.

"About time, I'm freezing." Otsuna says, getting up. Then, we walk out of the castle, our business concluded. I then look into the sky, and see that nightfall is fast approaching; Luna's final raising of the moon, before her change in management.

"Alright, you two, this is where we part ways. It's been fun, but I have a date with destiny, and you two aren't invited." I say, and Kherrie gets flustered.

"Whaaaat!? But... but you promised you'd let us in on your army! You shook on it!" Kherrie whines.

"I say a lot of things, Kherrie, that doesn't mean I'll ever act on them." I say, preparing to teleport back home.

"You can't leave! You sealed a deal with an old god! If you break it, the consequences will be dire!" Kherrie says, and I suddenly feel a sharp, but ignore-able pain in my guts, causing me to wince.

"What the heck..?" I mutter.

"That pain you felt was the curse kicking in! The closer you come to breaking your deal with me, the closer the curse comes to taking full effect. The particular curse varies with the promise made, the god you dealt with, and their dispositions, and let me tell you, you will NOT like this one." Kherrie warns.

"You little bitch... and I assume the wolf wants in on it, too?" I ask.

"That wouldn't be a bad assumption." Otsuna says, and I groan.

"You ass. If I have to carry you both, I'm gonna..." I say, but I'm interrupted by a cough behind me, so I turn, and see a scrawny, smart-looking griffon behind me, his thick glasses reflecting the light and hiding his eyes.

"What the hell do you want, four-eyes? I ask.

"Ah, ahem, I heard that you were in town, and we had heard much of your exploits, oh great Mal..." He says, but I interrupt him.

"Spit it out! Who are you, and what do you want?" I ask, and the griffon seems to have a heart attack, but he quickly gets over it, and replies:

"Ah, I am FlitterFeather, and, well, I want to join!" He says. So, I stare at him for a bit. He's physically weak, he wears giant glasses, and he seems completely malleable to my whims. How could I NOT hire him?

"Alright, FlutterFeather..."

"I-it's FlitterFeather, sir." He interrupts.

"That's what I said. Now, If you REALLY want the job, I need a reason to hire you." I say.

"Well, I'm an excellent scholar, I'm quite brilliant, if I say so myself, and, well, I would enjoy to see everything bent to your way of thinking." FlitterFeather says, shaking. I like him already, but Otsuna does not.

"Malideus, you can not seriously be considering hiring this weakling... I smell weakness and virginity on him." Otsuna says, causing FlitterFeather to first blush, then look at her, a shocked look on his face.

"D-did that timber wolf just t-talk?" FlitterFeather asks.

"It's a long story I'd rather not recite right now. Tell you what, four-eyes: If you can get us out of here, I'll put you on my roster. Deal?" I ask, and FlitterFeather shifts his glasses, then replies:

"Yes, that can be done. I know a fast way down the mountain, but it's, eh, risky." he says.

"I love risks. Now take us down there." I say, and Otsuna groans, Kherrie remains oblivious, munching on a turkey leg she sneaked out of the castle, and FlitterFeather sighs.

"Oh... okay... but I can't guarantee safe passage! I've been down there, and I've seen corpses, all of them mashed, gored, or ripped in half! I can only shudder at what might be down there..." he says.

"Yeah, touching. Take me down there, so I can get home and chew out one of my insubordinate 'allies' for making me walk here." I say, and FlitterFeather moans, then leads the way. We walk out of the gate first, past the terrified guards, and down the mountain, following our questionable new guide down the mountain, and while we walk, I notice a large burn on Otsuna's side, and decide to question it:

"Hey, Otsuna, what's with that burn?" I ask, startling her.

"Wha..? Oh, this. I had a run-in with a phoenix when I was young. I won, of course, because I know that water kills them fast, but before I could douse the bastard, he got me in the side with the brunt of his anger." Otsuna says.

"Douse him? How were you able to grab him to do that?" I ask.

"I didn't. I am quite adept at water magic, so I picked some up and threw it at him. Then, he fell into the lake and drowned." Otsuna says.

"Wait, wait, the timber wolf uses magic, too?!" FlitterFeather asks, astounded, as am I.

"I had no idea." I say, dumbfounded.

"Well, remember when I said that the magic binding me was stronger? I kinda understated just how much stronger it was." Otsuna says, looking embarrassed.

"Cool." I say. "I bet you can't do that, Kherrie." I say, chiding Kherrie, who just finished her drumstick and tossed away the bone.

"Hey, I used to be a god. Just because I'm small now doesn't mean I'll be like this forever." She says. Indeed, since we entered that castle, she has gotten bigger, and not rounder, like, taller. She was six inches and weighed like a ragdoll before, but now Kherrie looked to have almost doubled in size gained a slimmer figure, and weighed around two pounds now, I guess. Jesus Christ, she wasn't kidding about this being her base form. Still, if this rate continued, I could only guess at how lame her next form would be.

"Whatever." Was my final reply. After that, we continued to walk, and we finally reached a path, which was littered with various footprints, including Ponies, griffons, and and what looked like paws. However, as we continued down, we began to see bones, all to large to be the local wildlife. Then, after the bones, come the gory remains of various races, bones and frozen organs litter the ground, all mutilated beyond recognition. And beyond that, a cave.

"Well, this is the dangerous part." FlitterFeather says, and a sudden roar breaks our silence, as a massive, armored minotaur exits the cave.

"None shall pass here! Turn back now, or perish!" The minotaur says.

"Oh, dear..." FlitterFeather says, fainting. While he falls in the snow, I just stand there, defiant of the minotaur.

"You and what army, Mister Testosterone?" I ask.

"I need no army to kill you, pests! I warn you again, turn back now, or die!" The minotaur says, and I laugh.

"I got this, peeps. Blam!" I say, casting a fireball at the minotaur, knocking him on his back. He seems content with laying there, so I decide that, since he pissed me off, I'm gonna loot his cave. So, I go in, and what I see both amazes and disappoints me: There, in the back of the cave, is a giant, crystalline statue, chipped and full of holes, like a changeling's leg, but it still retains such a mirror finish, even in said chips and holes, that I can barely look at it without getting a headache.

"Ugh... What is it..?" I ask, both amazed and tired of looking at it.

"I have no idea." Kherrie says helpfully.

"It's a glass golem! The diamond dogs used to create these as machines of war and heavy lifters way back when! They've long lost the knowledge of how to make them now, but shut-down ones are still being discovered, and we've found one!" FlitterFeather says, looking at the golem.

"Cool. You know, you said these things were machines of war... I wonder..." I trail off, reaching out to touch it.

"Wait! We don't know how it will react to seeing us, and they're nigh invincible! That's why no one's ever activated them!" FlitterFeather cries, reaching out to stop me.

"Oh, please, what's the worst that could happen?" I ask.

"It could kill us." Otsuna says sarcastically.

"I meant the worst that could happen to ME. Tell you what, if it kills me, you have my permission to run." I say, searching the golem for an 'on' switch. Finally, I get frustrated, and hit it with my fist.

"Well, that was a waste. Let's..." I try to say go, but I am interrupted by a sudden noise, like when machinery starts up, but higher-pitched and more like someone spinning their finger around the rim of a crystal glass, but way louder. As we turn around, I see the golem waking up, getting out of it's hunched position, and standing up, and finally raising it's head, which was pretty much featureless save for a v-shaped visor, from which two blue lights shown, likely it's eyes. Finally, the behemoth focuses on me, and begins to walk toward me, at which I prepare to bolt, along with everyone else. However, as soon as it approaches me, it stands there, staring at me... and it kneels.

"You have awoken me, wizard, and I am grateful. How may I serve you, O greatest of sorcerers?" The golem says, surprising everyone, especially me. I thought I was going to die!

"Uh... Yeah... do you have, like, a name?" I ask the golem, who tilts its head in confusion.

"Scanning database... Positive. My identification is Hezafen, Master. As is custom in introduction, may I address you as something other than Master?" The golem asks.

"Yes, Hezafen. You may call me Malideus. But can I ask what you're doing all the way up here?" I ask.

"Unknown. I was deactivated an unknown time ago, and have no recollection of events that led to my being here. However, I do remember being inactive for this duration, and it was quite boring. So, as thanks for freeing me, I now decide to serve you, Malideus." Hezafen says, and I grin beneath my helmet.

"Alright. You aren't gonna melt if we get off the mountain, are you?" I ask.

"Negative. I am composed of reflective hardened silicon compounds, not ice." Hezafen replies.

"Awesome. Let's go, then." I say, and we continue our trek off the mountain. However, before we can go on, the minotaur gets back up, startling me.

"You have beaten me. How is this so?" It asks. Well, so much for dialogue with this guy.

"I don't know. Why are you still talking to me? Shouldn't you be dead?" I ask.

"I am dead. I am crush, and have guarded the glass golem you have awakened for hundreds of years, bound to it by an ancient curse. And since my charge is to protect it, I know see no other option but to follow you in turn." Crush says.

"Whatever, man, the more the merrier." I say irately. At this point, I might as well be carrying a sign that reads "Hey, I'm trying to go home, so come bug me and follow me to my lair!". God, I hate quests. Still, the glass golem and minotaur are pretty awesome. So, I continue, hopefully unhindered, to the lair, where I'm now going to have to explain to Mizzy why I now have a stuffed animal, a timber wolf, a walking boulder made of hard glass, an undead minotaur, and a nerd following me. Oh, well, at least tonight, I hope, will be better.

Author's Note

Sorry if it was a bit rushed, I had a deadline to keep. Still, I hope I can make the next one better, with more OC's to add!

OC's included: FlitterFeather by Critfist, Hezafen by Dracus, Otsuna by Vibrant lies, Kherrie by Total Eclipse, and Crush, by Storm the castle.

Now that THAT's done, let's see what next chapter looks like! Until then, bronies.

Ch.17- L.O.A: League of Anarchists, part two: The audition

It was a long, harrowing journey back to the cave, thanks to Kherrie falling asleep on account of 'being full'. Oh, she's gonna be full of my foot up her ass in a moment... Thankfully, Otsuna knows this forest like the back of her paw, so the journey was not as bad as it could have been. So, we make it back to the cave in good time, about two minutes to midnight. So, we enter, and none of us, especially not Hezafen, are very quiet coming in, and we inadvertently wake Mizzy, who had fallen asleep sending letters, by the look of it.

"Zzz... Uh, wha..? Mal?" Mizzy mumbles, yawning.

"Yes, Mizzy, it's me." I say, putting Kherrie on my bed.

"What in the world?! Who the heck are these chumps?" Mizzy asks.

"Chumps?" Otsuna asks.

"Subject appears rude. Permission to destroy, Malideus?" Hezafen asks, raising his fists.

"No, Hezafen, you can't destroy her. I don't think it's possible." I say, and Mizzy looks steamed.

"Yeah, I still don't know who these guys are. And what did you put on your bed?" Mizzy asks, looking at Kherrie.

"That's Kherrie. Please, don't wake her up, I don't want to know what she gets like when she's cranky." I say.

"As for the others, they're help I picked up. Mizzy, meet Crush," I say, pointing to the Minotaur. "Hezafen," I point to the glass golem. "Otsuna," I gesture to the timber wolf. "... And FlickerFather." I say.

"Eh, It's FlitterFeather." he says.

"It's gay is what it is." I say, shutting him up. "And the adorable ball of evil on the bed is Kherrie, goddess of the Dark Harvest." I say, and Mizzy d'awws as she looks at her.

"Aww, she's adorable. But what the hell, Mal?! My cave isn't infinite!" Mizzy cries, and I sigh.

"Yes, I know. That's why I made a solution for that, involving Ponyville. My meeting went well, by the way, thanks for asking!" I say spitefully.

"What plan, Mal? Ponyville is in ruins." Mizzy says.

"Not for long. Come morning, I'm going to make the devils work to rebuild it. I will call it... Malideopolis!" I say dramatically, striking a pose.

"That's the lamest name ever, Mal. But as long as it gets done, I'm fine." Mizzy says, getting back on her horde.

"Great. Alright, guys, stay here and make yourselves at home. I have another appointment, and I'll be right back." I say, and everyone murmurs in agreement. So, I leave the cave, and head toward the devil-infested ruins of Ponyville to meet Luna, and get the leverage I've desired since I first decided I wanted leverage. By midnight, I reach the town, which is emptier than I thought. So, I walk to the former center of town, where the ruins of a fountain reside. There, I get into character, wanting to make this last encounter count. After all, this was the last resistance I would encounter from Luna, so I might as well let my inner villain have it's greatest hurrah. As I finish getting my mindset into place, I see a figure walk up to me from the horizon, approach the meeting place by the fountain, and step into the moonlight. That figure, as I guessed, was Luna.

"So, you decided to show? That's good... Tardiness will be unacceptable in your new job." I say, grinning.

"Chris, it is not too late. I only came here to tell you the danger of what you are becoming... You have to stop this, Chris, if not for our sake, then for yours!" Luna replies, worry in her voice.

"This again!? We established this, Luna! I am not what you think I am, nor what you want me to be. But, enough of this foolishness. This ends now, Luna. The question is, how do you choose to end this?" I ask, fed up with her trying to be friends with me.

"I will end this how I promised: You may try to take me, but I will not go willingly." Luna says, grimacing as she forms her sword again, ready to strike. "If you want me, you'll have to defeat me again! And this time, I will not hold back!"

"You would defy me after all I did?" I ask, approaching the princess, who backs away, apparently out of fear of what I'll do next. "I beat all the odds, Luna. I won against every single enemy I've faced, and still you fight me?" I ask finally, placing my finger beneath her chin.

"Don't taunt me!" Luna says, pushing my hand away. "You've destroyed all hope I ever had for you, Chris, and I will not surrender this time! I have tried being reasonable, and tried to understand, but I see no other option: If you are to be helped, I must purge you myself." Luna says, holding her blade in front of her. However, my character doesn't take 'no' for an answer. She will submit, one way, or another.

"You can't purge me, Luna. Celestia can't, and neither can you. Just give up, and I can make this much more enjoyable." I say, grabbing her sword and lowering it. She seems to shiver at the action, but does nothing.

"You won't take my power like you took my sister's! I will stop you, Chris, before you make a grave mistake... I have to stop you, one way, or another..." Luna retorts, backing away from me. I, however, just laugh at her attempts to resist me. I feel her will breaking, deteriorating as I speak. No chick can resist Malideus, as I have proven over and over again, and this one's no different.

"Is that what you really think, Luna?" I ask, and she stops.

"Huh?" She mutters, confused.

"I see my influence grow in you, corrupting you. You call yourself pure? Then fight me, wench! Strike me down and prove your resolve! Unless, of course, you can't bear to harm 'Chris'?" I taunt, and Luna shudders once more, but strengthens her resolve.

"I will! I will strike you down, and purge the evil from you! And if you must die, then so be it!" She cries, and she lunges at me, and stabs with her sword, but I dodge, and grab her arm, causing her to cry out in shock.

"Weak, just weak. I'd let you try again, Luna, but we both know what would happen." I mock, lifting her arm. "You'd lunge, then miss, and then you'll run away, oh, what is it you ponies use? 'Crying like a filly', was it? Well, there's no running this time, princess." I explain, and Luna weakly tries to escape my grip, but I feel her resolve breaking.

"Let me go..." Luna whines, but my grip is solid, and escape is impossible.

"Why, so you can run to your sister? She can't save you, Luna... No one can." I explain. "Now... give yourself to me, and let your power become mine." I say, drawing her closer to me.

"Chris... stop..." Luna mutters weakly, but she has given up. Luna is mine now.

"Shhh... Like I said, Your sister can't save you now. Just let it all go..." I coo, caressing her evilly, but a sudden voice from behind startles me, causing me to release Luna, who backs up dizzily, blushing like crazy.

"Actually, Malideus, I can." the voice says, and I turn to see... Celestia, of course. Damn that bitch to the eighth level of hell!

"Well, there goes my power-boner..." I mutter angrily.

"Sister... did... did you follow me?" Luna wearily asks. Before Celestia can respond, however, I notice something horrifying about her that wasn't there before:

"Did you get TALLER?!" I ask, shocked. Indeed, she now towered over me once more, and seemed fighting fit... and fighting mad.

"Do not act surprised, Malideus. As for you, Luna, we will discuss this when we get home. And Malideus, these past weeks have been nothing but pain, thanks to you taking my power! However, to answer your question, I did 'borrow' some of Chrysalis' power, which she was more than happy to give when I told her it meant getting closer to taking you down." Celestia explains, cracking her knuckles. I'm scared shitless right now, but I'm in character now, and Malideus doesn't even cringe at a challenge, no matter how impossible. If this bitch wants a fight, she's got one.

"You think I care that you were able to get your power back? Your sister is in my thrall, and nothing you can do will ever truly break it!" I declare.

"We'll see about that when I take all YOUR power!" Celestia says. "Then, I'm not going to stop at locking you up. I'm going to humiliate you before everyone in the country, and every other in the world. I'm going to make you wish you never came here, Malideus!" Celestia exclaims, glaring daggers at me as she charges a nasty-looking spell.

"You have to beat me first, Celly!" I say, casting a lightning bolt at her, forcing her to cancel her spell to dodge.

"Is that all you have, Malideus? Witty remarks and simple spells?" Celestia says, and she casts yet another petrify spell at me, which I deflect with my gauntlet, then yawn.

"You're one to talk! What was that, another petrify spell? You're getting predictable, Princess." I remark wittily.

"Grrr... I will not be mocked by you, Malideus! You may have my sister, but Equestria will never fall to you! We have already rebuilt Canterlot, and ensured that you will never set foot in its walls ever again!" She exclaims.

"You sound sure. There's no way you could have rebuilt that trash heap in such short time. Besides, do you really think you can hold me off, when your own sister couldn't?" I ask, charging a nasty spell of my own.

"You think that's any real feat? Luna, no offense, sister, is REALLY naive. I swear, anyone could corrupt her given the time." Celestia retorts, casting another spell at me, which I dodge.

"I thought... I could stop him... sister..." Luna tiredly says, then collapses, to be caught by Celestia.

"Luna! What have you done to her, wizard!?" Celestia asks, fuming as she holds her barely-conscious sister.

"Why do I suddenly have to know everything? Maybe she orgasmed too hard." I say, shrugging.

"Your jokes will not save you this time, Malideus!" Celestia says, putting her sister down and charging a spell.

"When have they ever?" I ask, preparing to deflect it. So, our epic battle begins, with her throwing a giant fireball at me, which I extinguish with a wave of my hand, and me responding with several ice spikes, which her angry aura alone melts before they touch her, and she continues her approach toward me, probably hoping to fry me with her anger alone.

"Damn, bitch, you need to chill. How 'bout a little blizzard?" I remark, casting a blizzard spell at her, which lowers her aura, but she does not give up.

"You think some wind and snow will stop me?" Celestia asks. Damn, she's right, I need a wildcard, just something to distract her.

"No, but I know what will." I say, reaching into my robe.

"Let me guess, your lame "pocket sand" attack?" Celestia asks, rolling her eyes. "And you call ME predictable..." she says, continuing her approach.

"Nope, even better." I say, pulling out the Oghma Infinium.

"What is that?" Celestia asks, more confused than angry now.

"You'll see, Celestia." I say, flipping through the book. "Ah, here we go... Transmogrificus Bestius: Felis!" I chant, charging a ball of sickly green magic in my off hand, which seems to mesmerize Celestia. Then, I cast it, but she deflects it back at me with a ward, and I use my split-second awareness skills to cast my own ward, and deflect it back at her. So, our epic final confrontation has become a game of one-on-one tennis, and I'm quickly becoming bored. So, in the name of some good, old-fashioned evil, I tilt my ward ever-so-slightly, so the ball of magic goes right for Luna, who's still hardly awake. After realizing this, Celestia dives for the bolt, and once in front of it, she dispels it. Darn, I really wanted to turn someone into a cat. That is what the spell did, after all. Still, that dive left her at my mercy, so I point my staff at her, and prepare a simple petrify spell.

"Well, you put on quite the show, there, Celly, But I'm afraid it's curtains for you. Any last words?" I ask, but Celestia just smiles, grabbing her sister, to my confusion.

"Yes, actually: Goodbye." Celestia says, and she and Luna teleport away, likely back to their castle, foiling my plans again. I'll admit it this time: I'm NOT happy.

"DAMN IT!!!" I shout, stomping the ground. "I HAD THEM! I ALMOST HAD THEM!!!" a while after my rant, I finally give up, and return to Mizzy's cave to wallow in my failure, and hopefully get some sleep. I have an audition to do in the morning, and I need my rest if I was to judge the best to join me. As I am about to scale the cliff separating me and the cave, however, I'm suddenly aware of a presence behind me, and it does NOT feel friendly. I then turn, and I meet the featureless, grinning face of a familiar demon:

"Kragda-mother-fucking-Maul." I say as the sinister demon backs up, laughing.

"I haven't been called THAT in a while. Not since Kherrie, anyway... Speaking of which, a little birdy told me she joined you recently. Granted, I tortured the information out of it, and then killed it afterward, but nonetheless, t'is a momentous occasion, to be sure." Kragda-Maul says, chuckling.

"Yeah, I know." I say, not at all disturbed that he was here. Hey, he wasn't hurting anything... now. "So why are you here? I thought you were off being unnecessarily mysterious." I ask.

"Well, I figured I could stop by, see how my favorite evil overlord-to-be is doing." Kragda-Maul asks.

"Tired. I have a full schedule tomorrow, and have to hand-pick people to join me. Then, I have to get the devils to rebuild the town in my image." I say, yawning. Kragda-Maul seems ponderous for a moment, then shrugs.

"Well, I'm sorry to say that I can't just whip you up a brand new village. I can, however tell you this: I'd keep an eye on Kherrie if I were you. I know firsthand that she's more harm and pranks than help." Kragda-Maul says, and he turns to walk away.

"Wait, what is it with you and Kherrie? Is it that thing she said about killing your brother?" I ask, confused. Kragda-Maul then stops, as if I struck a nerve, and sighs, turning around. And, for once, his usual grin is gone, replaced by a disappointed frown.

"My brother? I couldn't have cared less about that oaf. In fact, the only reason I let her live as long as she has is because she got rid of that idiot. I despise her, though, because she is a failure among old gods. The world may still respect her, but none of us do anymore, ever since that flop with Celestia. She had every opportunity to destroy her, except for one liiiittle detail..." Kragda-Maul inhales, his frown deepening, then continued:

"She's a simpleton, Malideus. Her brain was too young, and was unprepared for godhood, so she abused it! Because of her arrogance, none of us helped her, though we had every opportunity and reason to do so. If you want MY advice, Malideus, you'd be wise to dispose of her, curse or no curse. Nothing good can come from her, or anything she does. But as I said, the choice is yours, and your fate has yet to be written. But just remember who you are allying yourself with, and the consequences you subject yourself to." Kragda-Maul explains, glaring past me, as if at Kherrie, who was still in the cave.

"Wait, if you hate Kherrie so much, why are you letting me keep her around?" I ask, confused.

"Because, though she infuriates us, me the most, the choice is ultimately yours, and it is not my place to force my will on anyone, especially not you. You, believe it or not, are more interesting than you think, and are not bound by the threads of fate here, unlike the rest of these petty mortals I must put up with. That is why I'm helping you: You amuse me, and may just continue to amuse me forever. But again, it is this same reason why you must be careful who you call your friend: you are unique, and many powers will seek to use or destroy you, and some allies will be less helpful than others." Kragda-Maul explains.

"So, wait, if everyone's out for me, then why are you, the old god of chaos and irony, warning me, instead of using me yourself? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of my being here or something?" I ask the demon, who smiles once more, shaking his head.

"Like you said, I exist only to create irony and chaos. If I controlled you, it would defeat the purpose of my very being. Besides, what fun is it to have all the right cards at all the right times? Even my allies will suffer ups and downs for my amusement, and you are no different. Now, I've wasted a lot of time explaining this to you already, and you need your sleep for tomorrow. But remember, Kherrie is not to be relied on, nor is her canine lackey. Remember this, Malideus, because it's the only true advice I'll ever give you. Goodbye, Malideus. I wish you luck, for what it's worth." Kragda-Maul says, then the inky demon vanishes, leaving no trace of his existence behind.

"Ugh, choices, choices..." I mutter, not liking the prospect of disposing of Kherrie. However, if she truly was outcast for her arrogance and failure, then what chance does she have here?

"Maybe she seeks to reclaim the respect of the other old gods by joining you?" My inner voice reasons.

"Maybe..." I think aloud, too tired to keep it in my head. Finally, I enter the cave, and see everyone asleep, except Crush and Hezafen, who just wave at me. So, I wave back, move Kherrie off the bed, and fall asleep. And, once again, I have the demon nightmare, with the fight, then the abyss, then the monster. For the life of me, I still don't know what it means.

I awake that morning with a start, for Kherrie has now decided to jump up and down on top of me, demanding breakfast.

"Mal! Mal! Mal! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" Kherrie chants, jumping up and down on my chest. Finally, I grab her, and hold her to my face, indescribable rage boiling within me.

"What!?" I yell at the annoying pixie.

"... Breakfast?" Kherrie asks, activating her puppy eyes. God, I hate puppy eyes; I always fall for them.

"Ehngh... Fine." I say. Well, I won't go into breakfast, because that'd be filler, and no one likes filler. However, I will say that since the bacon incident during breakfast (Which was terrifying, by the way, be glad I'm not explaining it), I just now realized Kherrie's meat obsession. It's as if it's all she eats, all she wants. And what's worse, it seems to make her stronger. That's right, she gets her power from bacon. What the heck is up with that, and why don't I have it?! Ugh, anyway, moving on... after our great big morning, I prepare for the worst, and indeed, the worst comes.

That morning:

I sit in my cave, at a large, wooden desk we stole, almost half asleep in my comfy leather recliner, when I hear a good many footsteps march up the cave, and I see a small party enter Mizzy's cave. They're too varied to belong to the ponies; A changeling (another one?!), a rather large demon with a cauldron on his back, a smaller bat-pony with a sniper rifle across her back (Where the hell did she get that?), a tiny, pink filly with a giant, evil-looking sword, and two anthropomorphic dogs, one male, and one female. Again, way too varied to be enemies, but why not? but I've been wrong before, so I address them:

"Can I help you lot?" I ask grumpily. Then, the leader, a short, corgi-like diamond dog in a nice white suit, reading glasses and a bitchin' white mustache responds:

"Yes, me and these fine fellows have hiked here nonstop for a day and a night, and we seek audience with Malideus, who I'm assuming is you?" The diamond dog asks in a noticeable southern accent.

"Yes, I am Malideus. I assume you are here for the interview, so no need to be formal, just sit anywhere and I'll address you for your interview." I say, and everyone finds a place to sit, despite Mizzy's protests. I'll tell you, I've never actually seen a diamond dog before, though Mizzy told me abut them once, and I'll tell you, they're weird. It's like a regular dog, but upright. I know it doesn't SOUND odd, but I doubt you've ever seen one. Anyway, there's only two diamond dogs, the corgi, and... what looks like a fox. she's small, but she's wearing next to nothing in this cold weather. Feeling the need to know what the hell she is, and why she's wearing such skimpy attire (Literally, skin-tight shorts and a vest.), I call her up first.

"Okay, You there, fox-faced prostitute, you're up." I call nonchalantly. The fox says nothing, and grumbles something as she goes up to me.

"Yes?" is what the fox says.

"Alright, you're up first. First off, what's your name?" I ask.

"Kitsune." she replies simply, and I groan in annoyance.

"Of course it is, what else would it be? Anyway, Have you had any recent employers, or do you have any experience?" I ask.

"No, sir. Just blew in, decided to see what this was all about." Kitsune says, twitching her ears.

"Then why should I consider hiring you?" I ask. "You may be adorable, but it takes more than looks to get into MY army." I say, and Kitsune begins to look nervous for a second, but quickly regains her composure, and responds.

"Yes, well, my breed has great hearing, so I could be a great watchdog, and I have good combat skills." Kitsune says, shifting slightly. I, however, am not convinced. This little thing thinks she can fight? I highly doubt that. However, this provides an interesting opportunity to test the combat skills of TWO new members, as well as give me much amusement. Multitasking for the win!

"Alright, you think you can fight? Let's test that." I say, getting up. In turn, Kitsune gets up, looking nervous.

"To the mat, fox." I say, and everyone backs up as I say that. Clearly, they all know when a beat-down's going to happen. Finally, we get on 'the mat', which is really that bunch of mattresses we used to test my MMA on, and never bothered to put away. Kitsune gets into a stance, and I get onto the mat, causing murmuring in the peanut gallery.

"So, who am I fighting?" Kitsune asks.

"Your opponent... is Crush." I say.

"What? Who's Crush?" Kitsune asks, tilting her head in curiosity.

"You'll see. Crush, get up here!" I shout to the undead minotaur, who groans as he looks up.

"What?! I hate minotaurs!" Kitsune shouts angrily.

"Then you won't have a problem fighting him. Now, Crush will try to kill you, and you have to knock him down, or at least last thirty seconds. Do this, and I'll let you in." I say. Finally, Crush gets onto the mat, cracking his knuckles, and Kitsune growls threateningly.

"What, I have to fight this runt?" Crush asks.

"Yep. Hop to it now, I have others to interview." I say, and Kitsune growls, then lunges at the minotaur, who dodges, then swings his battle axe across the field, hoping to catch the diamond dog. Kitsune ducks, though, and then crawls under his legs, and starts climbing up his back. Unable to remove her, Crush flops onto his back, and I hear a sharp yelp, and silence.

"Welp, guess that's that..." I say, shrugging, much to the horror of everyone in the room. However, as I turn around, I hear a loud snap, and a clang of armor on stone, as well as Crush roaring. I then look back to see Kitsune, staring in horror as Crush lies there, headless. Yes, Kitsune had removed it somehow, and now he was getting up, and frantically searching for it.

"Dammit! Fucking straps!" Crush yells as everyone stares in horror. I, however, just laugh at the display. Finally, crush finds his head, and reattaches it.

"Take five, Crush. Kitsune, congratulations! You manged to scare the shit out of everyone, and win! You got the job." I say, but Kitsune doesn't respond, just stares in horror at the undead minotaur.

"H-his head..." She mutters.

"Yeah, he's undead." I say, shrugging.

"You could have told me that!" She cries, shuddering.

"Yeah, it must've slipped my mind. Anyway, you're hired, go sit down." I say, and Kitsune obliges, sitting as far away from Crush as she can. Then, I call my next victim... er, applicant.

"Alright, you, bat pony! Get the fuck over here!" I say, and she obliges.

"Hey, man! Love your digs, but, *ahem*, you're not going to make me fight an undead minotaur too, are you?" the grey bat pony asks.

"Not unless you piss me off. Now, Name?" I ask.

"Xenia." The bat pony says. Now, let's get a read on this one: Scantily clad, purple mane with a pink streak, and lust, seduction, and psychosis dripping from her like she just took a shower with it... yeah, she's either an assassin, or a prostitute with a big gun. Then again, is there a difference? Now that I know what she is, I begin my interview, just to hear it from her:

"I see. Any recent employers, or experience?" I ask, tapping on my desk.

"Depends on what kind of employment we're talkin', sweetie." Xenia says, winking at me, and I facepalm.

"God, not another one..." I mutter. Finally, I remove my hand from my face, and continue: "Have you ever killed someone intentionally?" I ask, losing faith in this batch.

"Hell yeah, cutie. I've killed so many people, I'm surprised that the world is still as populated as it is." Xenia says, and I begin to regain my faith.

"Thank Lord Bolas for that." I say. "Now, what are your skills?" I ask.

"Killing, torturing, sex, the works." Xenia says.

"Good. Now, why are you considering this career choice?" I inquire.

"Just heard about you, and decided it'd be fun. Besides, I've always liked them cold and murderous..." Xenia says, but I just nod, not even acknowledging her statement.

"Alright, that clears that up. But one more thing remains: Should I accept you into this line of work, do you see yourself attempting to usurp me in the future?" I ask.

"Nah, I'm not into your job. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing?" Xenia asks, batting (pardon the pun) her odd, cat-like eyes at me, (which are two different colors, by the way: One light pink, one light blue. Talk about freaky...) and I finally have had enough of her playing around.

"Alright, cut the flirtatious shit, we both know you're a lesbian." I say, and Xenia looks surprised.

"How did you..?"

"I can feel your lust for my female minions dripping from you... well, parts of you. Anyway, no need to hide it. You have the right skills needed, and you don't piss me off as much as your kind should, so..."

"Wait, what do you mean 'my kind'? You being racist?" Xenia interrupts, and I just stare at her coldly.

"No, that was entirely sexual." I retort sarcastically. Hey, I did say I was a lot of unpleasant things, and unfortunately, a racist happens to be one of them, to an extent. I have no qualms with blacks or Asians, mind you, just non-human races.

"Now, if you're done making me uncomfortable, I've decided to, by some grace of god, hire you. Now go sit down, before I hit you." I say, and Xenia obeys, purring at me, causing me to shudder.

"Stop that! You're a lesbian, for god's sake!" I yell.

"It's only a preference." She retorts sultrily, and I feel my blood pressure spike.

"Alright, Changeling, you're up." I say grumpily, and the changeling walks up nervously, and quickly sits down, without a word. Good god, she reminds me of Whip.

"Name." I say simply, then facepalm. Changelings don't have names! "Aaargh, forget that part." I say.

"Um... are you okay..?" The changeling asks.

"I'm fine. Skip the name, why are you here?" I ask.

"I deserted, sir. I ran from Chrysalis many years ago, in order to escape being placed into one of her suicide squads. I heard you, eh, beat her, and I want to help you destroy her once and for all." the changeling says. Suddenly, though, Whip interrupts our interview:

"Sir, we have a child in here. Do we get rid of her?" Whip asks. I then look over, and see the pink-furred filly sitting in a corner.

"Eh, ignore her, I'll deal with her later." I say, and I waive her off, and return to the unnamed changeling, who seems awestruck as she stares at Whip.

"Hey, bug, I'm talking here!" I say, snapping my fingers. She then snaps to attention, looking embarrassed.

"Oh... sorry." She says. "It's just... who was that?" the changeling asks, looking back to Whip, who was playing with Kherrie by throwing her up into the air and catching her, much to the old god's enjoyment.

"That's Whip, my assistant... Why?" I ask accusingly, causing the changeling before me to blush.

"Oh, no reason, no reason at all, I was just curious!" she says, but I don't believe her.

"I'll bet." I say sarcastically, returning to the interview. "Now, skills. What are you good at?" I ask.

"Well... I am a great ranged weapon specialist, and I do alchemy, and I, of course, shapeshift." She says.

"Obviously. Still, alchemy and sniping sound good... Alright, skills done, tell me about yourself." I say, feeling torturous. What? One as shy and malleable as this simply HAS to be bullied somehow! It'd be wrong not to.

"Oh... uh... well... I deserted five years ago, and ran all my life afterward, so I have many valuable survival skills... But, see, I kinda have a, uh... sensitivity problem, so... I don't like to be touched." She says, and I try my hardest to refrain from laughing as an idea enters my head.

"I see. So, you'd not like it if I did... this?" I say, flicking her on the forehead. She then yelps, and falls backwards in her chair, screaming on the way down, to which I laugh like a maniac. However, I failed to acknowledge that Mizzy was right behind me, and she didn't find my antics amusing in the least.

"That wasn't funny!" Mizzy says, hitting the back of my head.

"Ow! Fine, I'll stop!" I say, fuming. Finally, the changeling gets up, tears in her eyes.

"What was that for?" she asks.

"My amusement, mostly. Well, I can't send someone as helpless as you back out there, so I'll give you the job. But you have to stop being such a baby!" I say, and the changeling nods, still teary-eyed. God, she's pitiful... yet so malleable.

"Yes, yes sir." She says, terrified of me.

"Good. As for your new name, you are now Ribbon. Now go sit down, before I change it to Mud." I say, and Ribbon quickly goes off to sit down, all the while staring at Whip. God, she's such a lesbian. Why am I just getting lesbians!?

"Next!" I yell, and the pink filly walks up, and sits in the chair in front of the desk with some difficulty.

"Ugh... Alright, kid, I don't know how you got here, but need I remind you that this is a grown-up job? Go back and play with your dolls, or something." I say, and the filly glares at me, and replies:

"Foolish mortal! I am Gorgoron Soul-slicer! Though my body is currently not very terrifying, I will have you know that I am a demon of renown through many planes and universes!" The filly says in a deep, demonic voice, causing me to reel back in shock.

"The fuck?! What's with your voice?" I ask.

"This is my true voice, mortal! I have entered this world to destroy it, but it has trapped me in this petty girl body, just like last time! It is demeaning! Now, shall we proceed with this 'interview', or will you continue your blithering?" Gorgoron asks.

"Uhhh... This is weird." I say, but I continue. "Alright, Why are you here?" I ask.

"Gorgoron is here for one thing: The destruction of this pitiful world for trapping me in this little body! You are the greatest immediate threat here, and shall help me!" Gorgoron says, and I quickly grow tired of... eh... is it a boy or a girl? I'll call it an it.

"Alright, I'll bite, kid. But I need your parents' signature." I jokingly say, causing Gorgoron to turn red.

"I refuse to be belittled by you, wizard!" Gorgoron says, getting furious.

"You're already little, shrimp. Jokes aside, I don't see how you can be of any use to me." I say.

"Why not?" Gorgoron asks.

"You will be fighting ponies that are far larger than you, and most importantly, you will be fighting alongside me. You will see things no one should see: Soldiers ripped apart, blown to shreds by fireballs, or torn in half by devils and the undead! there will be screams that will haunt you forever, and sights of gore and carnage that will make you want to tear out your own eyeballs and throw them among the bloody entrails of my enemies. And, you will see those you called allies ripped in half and their guts devoured by my more carnivorous minions when they fail or defy me. You are also way too short to be of use to me, and will likely get killed or damaged yourself, forever crippled by the horrors of war." I say, and I see Gorgoron turn sickly pale as I say this.

"Now, you still want to join?" I ask.

"... I just remembered, I, um, I have... an upset stomach. I will, er, may, return in a few thousand years or so to answer that." Gorgoron says before running out the cave mouth. Jeez, what a baby. Oh well, on to the next one.

"Alright, how about someone who won't run away?" I call, and The giant, reptilian Demon, the last one for now, walks up, and sits, though he barely fits in the chair. He's freakin' eight feet tall, for god's sake!

"Name?" I ask disinterestedly.

"Rematozssss." The demon hisses, his voice thick and raspy, like a snake who smokes.

"Badass. Now, what are your skills?" I ask the demon. Ramatozs then reaches in his cauldron, and pulls out a classic round, black bomb with a fuse.

"I indulge in pyrotechnicsssss, and enjoy the finer pointsss of massss dessstruction." Ramatozs says, and I nod happily.

"Well, you got that going for you... so, if I should hire you, what are your plans for the future?" I ask.

"I jussst want to blow thingsss up, and hopefully make a living ssselling my various patented bombsss. I am alssso a bit of an inventor, you ssssee..." the demon says, and I shake his hand, approving of this new addition.

"You got it, then. Alright, go sit with the others, and I'll give you all your briefing later. Next!" I say, and the corgi-like diamond dog walks up, sporting his mustache, of which I am incredibly jealous.

"Took you long enough." The short diamond dog says. I do mean short, by the way; he only comes up to my chest.

"Sure did, you brought a hell of a crowd." I say jokingly. "Now, May I ask your name?" I ask.

"They call me Colonel Corgi, though it's just a silly nickname: I'm not actually a colonel. I am, however, a successful restaurant owner... or I was." Colonel Corgi says, and I sigh.

"And your here for a reason to do with that?" I ask.

"Yes, quite astute." Colonel Corgi says, twirling his mustache.

"Okay, so why should I hire you?" I ask.

"Because, you and I want the same thing. I want the destruction of the ponies for shutting me down, and you want to destroy them because, eh, well, I don't know, but you get the point." Colonel Corgi says. I agree, he seems like someone I could use, if he was truly so influential, but one thing eluded me:

"Well, what restaurant chain did you own?" I ask.

"CFP: Corgi Fried Pegasus." He says. Well, that explains that.

"You fried pegsi? Isn't that wrong?" I ask.

"Only if you make it wrong. In the end, meat is meat." Colonel Corgi says, accompanied by several "here here"'s by our more psychotic members, most prominently, Kherrie.

"Well, I've always wondered what to do with the bodies I leave in my wake. You've got yourself a deal, Colonel." I say, sealing the deal with a handshake. And so, throughout the whole day, many interesting characters showed up, but I couldn't hire them. They were all either too ambitious, or too weird. Finally, at the end of the day, everyone went to sleep, having found their own beds, but I did not sleep. I now had a few more members to my expanding army, and I felt I was about to obtain more. But first, I needed to land a blow big enough to draw the princesses out one more time, to land one more hit on them. But where to strike? Before I could think of somewhere, I walked out, onto the ledge before the cave mouth, pondering, When Whip walks up to me.

"Hello, sir. Are you feeling okay?" Whip asks.

"Eh? I'm fine." I say, not really paying attention.

"You don't seem okay." Whip notes.

"Want do you want, Whip?" I ask, sure that she wants something. However, she just smiles sadly, and replies:

"Nothing, sir. I just want to know why you've been so boring lately." Whip says, and I snap out of my funk, and turn to her.

"Did you just call me boring?!" I ask, infuriated by this insubordination.

"I did, sir. You haven't hit, invaded, or fought anyone in moths, and it's boring." Whip says, and I want to blow up in her face, but I can't. Maybe she's right? Being stuck has made me boring. God, I'm slowly becoming a politician... I need out, and fast.

"What do you want from me, Whip? I'm doing the best I can here; It's not easy when I have to stay here and manage everything! I have to stay in here, when I could be going out there and destroying shit! But no, I have to stay and make sure the devils are rebuilding the town right, or keeping Mizzy company." I complain, but Whip keeps smiling.

"Then vent, sir! I have the perfect idea: you just go destroy a city, maim a pretty town or two, and we'll manage everything from here while you're gone." Whip says, smiling.

"Hmm. You might be right, Whip. I need to vent. First thing tomorrow, I'm heading out to stomp a town from existence. With any luck, It'll sate me." I say, hoping that none of my current enemies show up to raise my stress level.

"You know, that's a good idea, sir. But, I have one question." Whip says, scooting closer to me.

"What?" I ask, unsure of what she's doing. Whatever it is, I'm getting warning bells.

"Why focus your anger on the ponies? This world was your target, last I checked. So why stress yourself over one small, measly, teeny-tiny enemy?" Whip says.

"I... I don't know. I just want them gone. If I can do that, I'll be happy." I say, not really sure of myself despite my words.

"You know what else will make you happy, sir?" Whip asks.

"What?" I ask.

"Some sleep." Whip says jokingly, and I sigh, knowing she's right.

"I can't sleep." I say.

"Do you need help, sir?" Whip asks, getting closer.

" Maybe, but how can you help me sleep?" I ask disinterestedly. Suddenly, Whip grips my pauldrons, removing them, and she then grabs my shoulders, and starts to rub them expertly. Dear god, I should have known she could give a massage, but not this good. I could feel my common sense slipping away already!... That might not be a good thing.

"You're too tense, sir. That's bad for your big, evil mind, you know. Let me relieve you of all that pent-up anger and boredom, sir..." Whip says softly as she gets my shoulders.

"... It feels nice, Whip, but this alone won't get rid of all of my stress." I say. Weeks of anger can't just vanish with a shoulder rub, otherwise I'd have done it sooner... trust me.

"Then we need to go deeper." Whip says, as she lifts the back of my robe. Suddenly, red lights go off in my head, and I jump, reaching back to grab my robe.

"Hey, don't do that! Put it down!" I demand, but Whip does not obey.

"Relax, sir, I'm not going to remove it, I just need the back lifted so there's no interference." Whip says as she starts massaging my back. God, I hate to admit it, but it was almost better than sex... almost.

"So, sir... how are you feeling?" Whip asks as she rubs and presses my upper back.

"Better..." I say tiredly. I feel my mind slipping into unconsciousness already, and I don't have the strength to move, so I just sit there, enjoying the wonderful feeling of relaxation, as Whip continues to press further.

"Good. Do you want me to go farther, sir?" Whip asks, moving her hands lower.

"Yeah, okay..." I reply, my brain practically dead. I don't know what I'm thinking, or what she's doing anymore, but it feels nice, so I let her continue. I mean, come on, what's the worst that could happen? I can hold off an army and a goddess, no, THREE godesses, so I think I can keep a single changeling from molesting me.

"Excellent..." Whip whispers loudly, and she pulls off my robe, pressing her hands to my torso, and working across it, pecs, abs and all.

"You have excellent muscles, sir..." Whip says sultrily, resting her head on my shoulder as she continues her massage, which is starting to feel less like a massage. "And such soft, smooth skin, too... I'm envious..." Whip says, going lower, to my abdominal area and lower back.

"I work out... but why are you jealous? You have armor." I say.

"I never wanted armor, it just detracts from feeling. I want to feel everything, sir; The sharp stabbing pain of the whip, or the gentle caress of water running on me... that's why I hate being a changeling. I can change my form all I want into any creature I desire, but that armor will always be there, blocking every small sensation. But that's why I love being your servant: you make me feel. You hit, and you scratch, and you burn... and it makes me so... happy, to think of what you'll do next, what way you'll make me feel next." Whip says, and my tired brain barely registers it as uncomfortable, skipping straight to 'compliment'.

"Oh..." I say, unable to think of a response. God damn, I'm suddenly tired.

"Yes. You wear no armor, though, and feel everything that presses against your soft flesh, every push, rub, and scratch, you feel it... and I want that. Shall I go farther, sir?" Whip asks, and I nod tiredly, unaware of her intentions. Then, Whip starts to rub my upper legs, pressing and rubbing them in that magic way she uses to loosen the muscles, and I yawn, practically unconscious. I haven't felt this relaxed in... well, ever. It was always something back home, be it classes, or my job, or family, and I never got to truly relax, even in my sleep. But now, I felt so loose, so relaxed, I felt like I could sleep forever. As Whip massages, she continues her talk:

"You have such a magnificent structure, sir... so masculine, yet so artful, like a sculpture. If only I could see your face, to complete it... but I won't. I respect your privacy, and will protect it... and everything else you hold dear." Whip says. Then, she moves closer, pressing her chest to my back as she rubs my waist.

"Now... how much more relaxed do you want to be, sir? I can get rid of every ounce of it, just rub it out of you, or absorb it into myself. I'll make you feel like a cloud, all your worries and stress, squeezed out of you like an orange. Do you want that?" Whip asks, but my brain starts to register a threat, and I shift away, slightly uncomfortable with the offer.

"No, what if someone finds out, like Mizzy, or Luna, or someone else who can use it against me..?" I yawn.

"No one has to know, sir. Luna is in elsewhere, not even bothering with you, and Mizzy is asleep. You are completely safe from everything, and everyone. Besides, it's just a massage, there's nothing sexual! It's just simple stress relief, nothing more." Whip reasons, holding my shoulders, and I yawn again, my common sense officially gone with the rest of my mind.

"Yeah... just a massage... I could use it... and the sleep." I say. Then, Whip goes in front of me, and lowers herself on top of my groin, removing my underwear as she does. Now, my red alerts should be blaring, but my mind is out of it, and I'm too tired to care. Besides, it's too late at night, who's gonna know? I might as well enjoy it. Suddenly, Whip begins to shift forward and back, sending waves of... a certain feeling... through me.

"Sir... make me feel all of your stress... every ounce, every heartbeat, let it all out of you... and put it in me." Whip says, her giant, blue eyes half-closed, and staring at mine with an intensity that should scare me, but doesn't. In fact, it kinda turns me on for some reason.

"... This is so fucking weird..." I say, completely out of it.

"Shhh... no words, master, just domination." Whip says, and she falls onto her back, pulling me on top of her. "So, dominate me, master... finish the process..." Whip says between heavy breaths, giving me the most ready look I've ever seen from her. "...Make me your bitch, Malideus." She finally says, and I oblige. And then, in that moment, all my stress, anger, and unease melted away, and I passed out, all my stress gone. Damn, what a massage...

And so, the night went on, but somewhere, out in the distance, the sun goddess plotted her vengeance, her eyes set on the murderous Malideus, and she plotted it well. Come tomorrow, the wizard would face his greatest challenge... and this time, he may not escape her alive... or even at all.

Author's Note

Alright, it took a while, and it contains sex, big surprise. But more funny is coming, because an out-and-about Malideus as a happy, funny Malideus! Question is, where should he attack? If you have an idea, let me know!

Alright, again, OC's are not mine, but I'm not gonna list the owners; you know who you are. For those disappointed by the absence of your OC, worry not, there'll be one more introduction chapter after this one, and we'll finally see who gets screen time, and who gets to take the piss. Until next time, you bloody, animal-loving heathens!

Ch.18: L.O.A: League of Anarchists, part 3: Kherrie's Ascension

Hello, Is this thing on? One, two, three, testing, testing... Ah, there it is!

Greetings, Mortal scum. Due to difficulties involving Malideus's... eh, relations, last night, I, Kragda-Maul, will be narrating the first part of this story, but we will be focusing on elsewhere, on behalf of our protagonist's wishes. Yes, it seems that Mizzy is indeed the jealous type, and Malideus is in a heap of trouble. Whip evaded such a fate... barely. But, we are not focusing on him. Now, for this particular section of the events taking place, we will focus on someone deeply, emotionally touched by Malideus. A goddess, so close to falling from grace with the evil sorcerer, that continues to operate, albeit barely, more or less normally. Yes, our focus is none other... Than Celestia. The morning begins as normal, with the sun raising, and the moon lowering, and me spying on the princess as she goes about her daily activities, at least until Malideus and Mizzy are cleared up. Let us begin, shall we?

The morning begins like any other, with Celestia getting up, and walking to her balcony. The moon is at its lowest point, and Celestia now begins to lower it for the day to begin anew. Straining her celestial powers, she grabs the sun in her grasp, and pulls, lowering it. Once done, she turns to the east, and brings up her beloved sun in much the same way. Then, the day begins. Luna cannot lower the moon herself, for her encounter with Malideus has shaken her, and she now lies in bed, barely conscious. The reason this is so continues to elude the princess of the sun, much to her dismay, but life must go on. The city has had many wards placed upon it that should block any malicious entity from entry, so they are safe here, at least. Her only concern now is the poor cities that think themselves safe from Malideus' wrath, such as Stalliongrad, Las Pegasus, Manehatten, and, most importantly, Cloudsdale. If he were to take the pegasus city, the results would be beyond disastrous! But Celestia does not worry, for she has full confidence in her subjects. Plus, Malideus seems to not know of Cloudsdale's existence, so as long as they remain quiet, he will not harm them. Celestia knows of his threat now, and has taken measures to prevent his conquest. Still, Malideus's refusal to be defeated infuriates the princess to no end.

"I just wish he would go away! Why must he, such an evil, conniving, cruel being like him become so successful with such little effort?! I hate it! I worked so hard to create a world free of his ilk, but he still thrives, and on luck and borrowed powers, no less." Celestia huffs, looking to the EverFree forest. There the wizard ruled, with his evil army, and his equally-depraved mistresses, probably laughing at her, and her failure as a princess right now. Yeah, and those pained screams in the distance are probably just his prisoners, totally not Mizzietta crushing Chris' nutsack to a pulp.

"He's probably enjoying all that ill-obtained power right now, and plotting his next assault on my subjects right now... Arrrgh, it eats me up inside! I've done too much for this country, and now all I can do is wait while he ruins our world without pity or remorse, one city at a time! I hate him!" Celestia rants to herself, and she considers pulling her hair at the thought of him and her sister after last night, but she stops, and recollects herself. She has to remain professional; she still has duties to attend to, and places to go today.

"No... He won't get to me. He won't have the privilege of driving me mad. I have to calm down... I'll think of a way to catch him, I have to, if not for our sake, then for the world's. Malideus will atone... I just have to think of a way to catch him..." Celestia ponders, scratching her head as she thinks. However, the day beckons, and her duties can not wait for a ponderous ruler. So, she stops, breathes, and goes outside her room, and into her bathroom, to wash herself, and begin her day. As Celestia enters the royal bathroom, She closes the door, and turns on the water, waiting for it to be ready. Finally, she undresses and... uh... oh, my, Dat ass... uh, eh, sorry, forget I said that... Anyway, after a moment of entry, as she showers, she suddenly grins, a broad, clever grin, as an idea enters her head, one guaranteed to catch Malideus, and force him to atone for his sins. All she needed was time, and the right bait. Oh, look, Chris is finally finished getting chewed out near-lethally. Well, now we know what's going on here, so I'll just pass the story off to him. Until next time, mortals.

Meanwhile, at the cave, and from our 'hero's' point of view...

"Uhn... You didn't have to punch..." I say, holding my gut.

"Yes I did. Now you know not to lie to me about screwing your assistant, don't you?" Mizzy asks, a condescending look on her face.

"... Yes..." I wheeze, and Mizzy rubs my head cheerfully.

"Good boy." Mizzy condescendingly says, rubbing my head. God, sometimes I hate her. I am Malideus, and I can fool around with whoever I want... though I'll never say that to Mizzy's face. Hey, she's still a 5-ton mass of scales and fire. It's not cowardice, it's smart.

"I still don't see why you're getting violent over this. You never struck me as the jealous type." I say, still gripping my gut where she punched me. However, I soon am griping my head as she punches me in the head, blushing furiously.

"I am not jealous!" She cries, and if I can take a hint, I'm pretty sure she is.

"Okay, okay, stop hitting me!" I cry, and Mizzy stops, then grumbles something before returning to her cave. Then, out of nowhere, Kherrie pops up on my shoulder, cheery and annoying as ever.

"Dude, she's totally jealous." Kherrie says, and I nod in agreement.

"Without a doubt." I reply. Then, I clap my hands together, and begin my planning to decide which city to take first. "So, Kherrie, where do you think I should strike next?" I ask my annoying accomplice.

"I dunno! You're the boss, so you decide!" Kherrie cheerfully replies, jumping off my shoulder. "But if you want MY opinion,I think you should invade Stalliongrad!" Kherrie finally says after some thought.

"Stalliongrad? Ugh, confound these pony puns..." I mutter. "Fine, I'll go get some thousand or so devils, and we'll..."

"Wait! You can't just attack the city on foot!" Kherrie cries, interrupting me.

"What? Why?" I ask, not particularly happy.

"Listen, I actually went there myself yesterday, and I saw what they did over there! Turns out, Celestia's been making wards, and commissioned Stalliongrad to mass-produce them! And normally, I wouldn't be worried about you, Mal, but these things are bad news! I've seen them test them: They actually ERADICATE any presence they deem evil! Like, poof! Evaporated! Blown to dust!" Kherrie explains, and I begin to get scared.

"Well... That sucks." I say, feeling my conquest fall apart before my eyes.

"It does. However, I have a plan!" Kherrie says, surprising me.

"You do?" I ask, shocked.

"Yup! They destroy things they deem evil, but only if they make direct contact! So, say that we shielded you somehow, like with a metal ball, or something..." Kherrie says, and I get a brilliant idea. If I was going to invade the city, I needed armor. And, if I was going to have armor, why not put weapons on it? In fact, now, I was getting an even better idea! Way back when, back home, I used to play a video game called "Chrome Hounds". Basically, think of it like "Build-A-Bear", but replace the stuffed animals with giant, ten-ton, walking tanks. Yeah, that's the idea. If I got my hands on them, imagine the damage I could do! But first, I needed a place to build them... and I have just the place.

"Hey Mal, whatcha thinkin' about?" Kherrie asks, interrupting my thoughts. Nonetheless, I respond cheerfully:

"Something awesome." I say, walking towards the site of Malideopolis. Thankfully, I had the devils clear a straight path through the forest, so I had a nice, paved road right to the city from here, and the walk wasn't even hard. Finally, in mere minutes, I arrive at the site of my city, and I like what I see: Great, black-and-red towers stand tall, and A colossal pillar of smoke and ash billows up from the center of the city: the foundry, where all the metal is collected, melted down, and re-forged.

"Man, I love being an overlord." I say, walking toward the forge to place a very big order. After an hour or so of walking and navigating, I finally reach the center of town, and gaze upon the most impressive building in the city: The foundry, where new devils are born and raised, and armor, weapons and building materials are forged. It's a massive citadel, squat, barrel-shaped, and open-roofed, so the tower of smoke can escape, raising hundreds of feet into the air before dissipating. Obviously, it's my kind of place. Without further ado, I walk inside, to place my order. If devils can build an entire city without supervision, I can trust them to build a few mechs. After I walk around a bit, I'm suddenly approached by a well-dressed, upright, familiar-looking devil in a black suit with thin, red stripes and a red tie.

"Hey, boss! Long time, no see! What brings you here, eh?" The devil says, welcoming me.

"Kelias? Jeez, where have you been?" I ask, surprised to see him after a month of absence.

"I've been workin', man! I'm running this foundry here myself, helpin' build this city!" Kelias replies.

"Ah." I say simply, admiring the good job he was doing. However, my sightseeing was cut short, for I had business here. "Well, Kelias, I wish I could stay and catch up, but I have urgent business here: I need a big, and unusual order filled." I say, and Kelias nods, looking more businesslike again.

"'Course, boss. Whatcha' need?" Kelias asks, and I draw a picture, and hand it to him. Kelias takes the picture, and looks at it a while, and looks back up at me.

"Okay, good drawing skills, but what am I supposed to do with this?" Kelias asks, waving the drawing.

"I need you to make me some of those. But there's a catch: I want at least three of them to have actual legs. I need them to destroy Stalliongrad." I say, and Kelias looks at me for a bit, then looks back at the paper, and then back at me, and his gaze finally settles on the paper as he smiles a great, evil grin, and looks back at me.

"Yer nuts, you know that, right?" Kelias says, tucking the drawing into one of his shirt pockets.

"In what way? I want a war machine, and you have the means to make one." I say, and Kelias laughs.

"Of course, boss, But I'm just sayin', if you want enough of these to invade STALLIONGRAD, which I've heard is VERY fortified, by the way, we need metal, and lots of it." Kelias says, and I sigh.

"Well, how many of these can you make right now?" I ask.

"Right now? I'd say, if I'm correct on the dimensions... three, maximum." Kelias says, looking at the drawing again. "And if they're gonna have legs, we can make one good one, but that's about it." He finishes.

"I just want one with legs. The rest can have treads, for all I care." I say.

"Well, then you can still have three, but it's gonna take a while, and we're still gonna need more steel for the other two." Kelias says, and I begin to get an idea: If he needs metal, then why not kill THREE birds with one stone? If I destroy a random city, I'll not only have the metal, but I can also test my newest superweapon, and relieve my stress at the same time! It was genius!

"Kelias, just focus on the legged on for right now. How long will it take to build it up and get it operational?" I ask.

"Hmm... Well, we got's the weapon and mobility systems ta think about, and the gyroscopes ta work th' legs alone... I'd say three days, minimum." Kelias says, and I grumble, not entirely happy with that answer, but I expected it. After all, magic can't solve everything, right? If three days was what it took to bring the ponies a weapon to fear, then so be it.

"Alright, Kelias, just make it happen." I say, and Kelias salutes.

"Alright, then, boss! We'll have it ready to rock as soon as possible." Kelias says, as he walks off to place the order. Now, I have three days of waiting, and nothing to do until then. So, I walk outside, and take in the sights of my city. It was big, of course, but that's not what impressed me: What shocked and awed me so was the architecture, so futuristic, but so medieval, and oh-so evil. As I look at the towers, however, I notice something in the sky: a cloud. Now, that alone wasn't interesting, but this same cloud had stayed over this city ever since I got here, and it showed no signs of moving. Now, I'm starting to suspect many things, from some kind of surveillance unit from Celestia, to some kind of cloud-like life form. Either way, I don't like it, and wish it would just go away. Nonetheless, I begin to walk out of my near-finished city, thinking that the devils could take care of it, until I hear shouting from the nearby plaza.

"The fuck..?" I mutter, hearing many voices, most of them DEFINITELY not devils. So, I decide to take a look, just for the hell of it. I walk through alleys, and roads, constantly orienting myself toward the shouting, when I finally reach the plaza. Needless to say, I'm fucking PISSED at what I see: Pegusi are flying down from the sky, and fighting my devils, and carrying them away! This, my friend, is where I draw the line. So, I break this slug-fest up myself, having had enough of it.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?" I shout, my voice causing everything to stand completely still. Thanks to that, I notice the odd uniforms on these pegusi: blue jumpsuits, with lightning bolt patterns.Suddenly, I remember that time my horrible friend made me watch that show: These must be those... oh, damn, what were they, Wonderbolts, I think. Yes, definitely! These were the Wonderbolts, and they were invading my town, and stealing my devils. Now, they were going to drop dead.

"Oh, Celestia, it's him!" One cries, and they all begin to retreat, but I won't let them off that easily. With a wave of my staff, I cast a wave of ice magic at the winged interlopers, freezing them all solid, every last one of them. Then, they all fall to the ground, and many shatter on impact, sending bloody bits everywhere. However, a few lucky ones survive, and it's them that I take immediate interest in. After all, they came here, and began snatching MY citizens, hauling them off to god-knows-where. Frankly, I want answers, and I want them now.

"You all! Gather the survivors and bring them to the foundry, NOW!" I shout, and the devils rush to work, picking up the frozen ponies and hauling them the the citadel at the center of my city. I then begin the long, unwanted trek BACK to The Foundry, and I enter, and see that the devils have placed the hapless ponies near the entrance, just for my convenience. However, I care not for convenience, only tearing these fucking twerps each a superfluous new behind. Finally, after some waiting, they thaw, and begin to look around bewilderedly, and finally rest their fearful gazes on me and the thousands of devils crowded around to watch the show. We then stare for a while, and I finally break the ice, as it were:

"Well, do you punks have anything to say for yourselves?" I ask, not amused, even by their fear.

"We're going to die... we're going to die..." one mutters fearfully, and I turn my attention to her. I then walk over to the pegasus, and grasp her head, forcing her to look at me.

"What was that, whelp?" I ask the young mare, and she seems on the verge of tears.

"C-Celestia, help me..." she whimpers, and another pegasus, a young stallion, by the look of it, gets bold:

"Leave her alone, you monster!" He shouts angrily. I then turn to him, and glare. A few ponies away, the stallion sits, goggles up, and casting a hateful glare at me. So, I do what any reasonable person would do to shut someone up:

"Goblada." I say plainly, and a single stone sword bursts from the ground, and cleaves through his head, splitting it in two. All the ponies then stare in horror as the devils cackle and cheer madly, and the blade retreats back into the ground, red with blood and covered in brain matter. Then, they all diverge into different reactions; some screaming, some vomiting, and others just passing out. Then, I return to the timid mare, who was too frightened to do anything but sob.

"Now... What was it that you said, twerp?" I ask, and the Mare stops sobbing, looking at me with the most fearful expression.

"I... I... What do you want from us!?" The young pegasus suddenly demands tearfully, and that just makes me mad.

"What do I want?! I want you to tell me what the fuck you're doing in my city, kidnapping MY devils!" I shout.

"I... I won't tell you..." The pegasus whimpers, trying to act brave, but failing. So, I grab her neck, and hoist her off the floor, and start squeezing her throat.

"START TALKING!" I yell as the young mare gasps for air, tears streaming down her face as she claws at my hands, trying to remove them from her neck.

"It... *gack!* was an order... *urk!* from th-the commander... I... I just want... to go home!" The pegasus wheezes.

"And where is home?" I ask, tightening my grip.

"C...Clouds...Dale..." the pegasus manages to choke out.

"And where is that?" I ask.

"Let her go! You're going to kill her!" One pegasus says, but I do not relent; once I'm in character, I never do. Yeah, it's slowly becoming a bit of a problem.

"Not until she spills her guts... before I spill them for her." I say, and the pegasus manages to slowly choke out two words:

"Up... there..." She wheezes, pointing to the immobile cloud above the city, now barely visible due to the smoke. So, after looking, I release her, dropping her onto the ground, where she curls into the fetal position, weeping and gasping, while holding her throat where I gripped her. Jeez, what drama queens. Still, I know know where they came from, and I know what that cloud is, thanks to this sad ball of fluff. However, I still have to make an example out of someone, because god knows they'll be back if I let them off this easy. So, like any good ruler, I have to set that example.

"Alright, worms. You all may have just been following orders in coming here, and I respect that. However, you all really fucked up by pissing me off, and I mean REALLY, really fucked up. You stole my citizens, and tried to wreck my city. I don't know why, and I don't want to be seen as the bad guy here, I really don't, but you all must be taught a lesson; one your superiors are going to think about before they send anyone else here ever again." I shout, and my speech causes murmurs throughout the remaining fifteen-or-so pegusi, and cackles and chortles from the hundreds of onlooking devils.

"What are you going to do, kill us?" One bold pegasus mare asks, and I just laugh with the devils.

"No... I have something far more fitting in mind..." I say, approaching her. Then, I grab the loud-mouthed Wonderbolt, turn her around, and then I grab her wings.

"Huh?! Wait, what are you doing!?" she cries.

"Punishing you." I reply simply, and I begin to pull on her wings, and I hear bones popping and sinew tearing over the pegasus's cry of anguish as I tear the wings off (which was surprisingly easy, by the way). Then, after a while of torturous pulling, I give one last yank, and they come off, and the blood alone gives me the willies as it pours out and pools on the floor. How much blood goes into these things?! Anyway, After I'm done, I throw the mare onto the floor, weeping and bawling her eyes out. I feel sick again, and I have to back away, not wanting to be caught vomiting. God, I hate setting examples. However, the devils love it, and they start cheering and laughing as the now-wingless pegasus passes out from pain and blood loss, and the others try to get out of there, only to be stopped by devils.

Now, the first mare has finally stopped bleeding out, and a few more remain, but I don't have the stomach to get them, so I call to the remaining devils, who focus their attention on me.

"Alright, devils. You know what to do." I say, and the devils all laugh, and encroach on the small group of pegusi, who back up until they hit each other's backs. then, I have to turn my head as the devils pounce, and blood and feathers go everywhere as the devils grab their unfortunate victims' wings, and proceed to rip, tear, and claw them off. The spectacle only lasts a few seconds, though the pained, horrified screams make it seem like an eternity, and I begin to feel sick to my stomach again. Thankfully, the bloodbath ends, and the crippled pegusi now lay there, moaning and sobbing from their pain and loss. I have set an example here, and I intend to let everyone see it. Now, I just have to find out where to put them...

"Alright, do we have a prison?" I ask the devils, who all laugh and nod. Well, they sure can build a proper city, I'll tell you what. "Alright, put 'em there. I'll find out what to do with them tomorrow." I say, and the devils do as I say, hoisting the prisoners up and carrying them off to god-knows-where, cackling madly the whole time. Welp, Now I know what the cloud is, but I have to find a way to take it down. But how am I going to do that? I can't fly, and Mizzy's on her flow, obviously. So what's an evil sorcerer to do? Well, looking at the book of infinite knowledge seems like a good plan right now, so I begin the trek back to the cave, having left the Oghma Infinium there. As soon as I reach the cave, I see Crush and Hezafen standing there, talking to some ordinary-looking pony, who did NOT look happy. By his looks, he was a unicorn, with a REALLY dark coat. I actually thought it was black at my current distance, but upon closer inspection, it was actually navy blue, with a silver-colored mane and tail, small, square reading glasses, and a large, white lab coat. In short, he looked... kinda creepy, actually, like any scientist. And now, he and Crush looked ready to come to blows about something.

"Oh, joy..." I mutter, approaching the bickering morons. Not Hezafen, though, he's just staring at the two with mild interest, like one would watch two insects fighting over a piece of food. Finally, I'm close enough to hear their argument:

"I said get lost, pony! Even if Malideus WAS here, he'd have no interest in talking to you, of all races! Now beat it!" Crush says, getting in the pony's face. The pony, though, shows no sign of relenting, and just glares back as he responds:

"I think he will! I have information he will want to hear, and I need to speak to HIM, not some rock-brained bouncer!" The pony retorts, causing Crush to growl.

"He won't see you, and that's final! Now beat it, before I beat you!" Crush yells.

"You'd like to beat me off, wouldn't you?" The dark blue unicorn says, frustrating Crush further. However, there argument is stopped by Hezafen:

"If I may make a suggestion, perhaps, in order to end this conflict, we should ask Malideus himself." Hezafen says, pointing to me, and the two look directly at me as I approach, and Crush immediately pleads his case:

"Malideus! My apologies, I was just getting rid of this waste of tissue here..." Crush says, but I raise my hand, cutting him off.

"Take five, Crush. Alright, What seems to be the problem here?" I ask.

"This pony wants to talk about joining your army, but he's got nothing to offer you!" Crush says, glaring at the blue pony.

"Not true! I have information for him that could be quite useful!" The pony retorts.

"Enough!!! I've heard enough!" I demand, and the two shut up. "Now... what is this information you have for me?" I ask the pony.

"It's about Canterlot, Malideus. I figured that, since they recently put up wards, as I'm sure you've heard, you'd want to know a nice, easy way in. Lucky for you, I have that way in." The unicorn says, and I cross my arms thoughtfully, thinking about this.

"Hmm... Interesting... Unfortunately, I see no reason to take this information, seeing as how I'm occupied elsewhere at the moment." I say, causing the unicorn to look shocked.

"Uh... Well... What could you possibly be preoccupied with?" The unicorn asks, flustered.

"My capital of Malideopolis was recently attacked by the city of Cloudsdale, and I want to destroy it, but I first need a way up there. So, if you have nothing else to offer, you'd best be on your way." I say, turning away from the unicorn.

"Well... what about a way into Cloudsdale?" The unicorn asks, and I immediately stop, then turn around.

"I swear to god, if you're just saying that..." I begin, but the unicorn raises his hands, in a gesture of surrender.

"I'm not playing, sir. You want in? I know a way. I used to work for Canterlot, you know. I have all the right spells for getting places, and I can get you up there without tripping the wards. All I ask is parlay with you and your army." the unicorn says, confusing me.

"Wait... you want to help me, even though you worked for the princesses?" I ask, and the unicorn sighs, shaking his head.

"Yes, I used to work for them, and even applied for a job as an astronomer. But the princesses passed me, the one pony with ANY actual intelligence, up for some other two-bit unicorn, probably because she was female. It's sexist, I tell you! Anyway, I figured that if they can't be smart enough to choose the right pony to do a job, how are they ever going to stop you? That's why I'm here: I don't want to die because our leaders are prehistoric, selfish, incompetent fools." He explains, and I smile. I don't know who he is, but I like this pony already: He knows who the winning side is.

"Alright, pal, I'll give you a shot. What's your name?" I ask.

"Stargazer. And it's a pleasure to finally speak with you, Malideus." The unicorn says, and he shakes my hand.

"Yes, charmed, I'm sure. Now, that way into Cloudsdale?" I ask, catching Stargazer off-guard.

"Oh, yes, of course. I have a spell to let you walk on air and clouds, but it's temporary. That's why you'll have to take me with you." Stargazer says, and I almost say no, but I figure I could use a guide through the city, just in case I don't want to destroy all of it: If I remember anything from the sites I trolled and the episodes I was forced to watch, there was a factory up there. Still, none of them said anything about this world being full of anthropomorphic ponies, so I still had my reasons to doubt some details. But still, a lot of the details were accurate, so why not?

"Fine. Get me up there, and I'll take you in." I say, and Stargazer smiles.

"Great! Now, If you'll just stay still, I can administer the spell, and we can be off." Stargazer says, but I stop him.

"Hold on now, Buck. I know you want to join the winning side and all, but I honestly can't trust you right out the gate. How do I know this isn't a trick?" I ask. I've been in WAY too many situations like this to really trust anyone outside of my inner circle. Besides, I never trusted those creepy squint-types before, and I sure as hell won't start now.

"Believe me, Malideus, if I wanted to trick you into something, I doubt it'd be me doing it. I'm not very persuasive, as you can tell by my argument with your... friend." Stargazer says, glaring at Crush.

"Then how do I know you're not just persuading me to believe you're not being persuasive by falsely failing to persuade me?" I ask, and Hezafen's head almost explodes. Hell, I can see it shaking right now.

"You really don't trust me, do you?" Stargazer asks, frowning.

"Not in the slightest." I say. In reality, I like him. He's pretty cool, for a squint.

"What's it going to take?" He asks.

"Hmm... Tell you what: You get me up there without getting me killed, and you're in." I say, and StarGazer smiles, nodding.

"Fine, that was my offer anyway. Now, if there's no..."

"Mal! Waaaaiiiit!" I hear Kherrie interrupt Stargazer, who looks around in confusion, and suddenly, Kherrie runs up, and jumps on my shoulder, catching the unicorn's attention.

"Take me with you!" Kherrie says, causing me to facepalm. Stargazer, however, just looks curiously at the old god with increasing intensity.

"What... is THAT?" Stargazer asks.

"Ugh... just ignore her." I say to Stargazer, and Kherrie take immediate offense.

"Hey! I thought we were buds! Heh heh... buds... you know, like plants?" Kherrie says, further infuriating me.

"Yes, Kherrie, I get it, now go away." I hiss, but Kherrie just keeps sitting there, childish as ever. In fact, as she grows in power, she seems to just get more and more infantile.

"Aww, come on Mal, let me go with you!" Kherrie says.

"Me too!" calls another unwanted voice: Xenia. Yes, the freaky-eyed bat-pony has involved herself, and is now running outside to greet us.

"Xenia, why the hell are you out here in your underwear?" I ask, not amused by her choice of clothing: basically, a miniskirt and some kind of tank top.

"These are my work clothes." Xenia says, getting defensive.

"Fine, fine, but why are you asking to go?" I ask, frustrated. I wanted to go alone, dammit, not take my whole harem with me.

"I like killing things. And right now, this looks like you're going to be killing things." Xenia says simply. Well, hard to argue with that kind of logic. "So, can we?" Xenia asks.

"Ugh, fine, you both can come. But you three had better not hold me back, or I'm going to send you back here in pine boxes!" I yell, and Xenia rolls her mismatched eyes, while Kherrie giggles.

"Okay, your majesty." Xenia groans, and I come thiiiiis close to hitting her.

"Okay... so, are we ready to go, or are we waiting for someone else? because this spell has a time limit." Stargazer says.

"Nope, but let's not fly, I don't like the idea of walking on air." I say, shuddering at the idea. If it was anything like walking on that glass bridge over the grand canyon, I was probably going to barf.

"You know that's the only way to get there, right?" Stargazer says, looking quite disappointed.

"I'm not going to hover there! Xenia, as your boss, I demand you carry me." I say, pointing to bat-hooker, who looks at me like I'm on drugs.

"Are you high!? I'm not carrying you!!!" Xenia exclaims, crossing her arms defiantly.

"DO AS I COMMAND!" I yell, causing everyone to flinch. Am I really that loud?

"Okay, okay, no need to yell!" Xenia cries, covering her ears. Then, without a word, I jump onto her back, causing her to double over. If they're gonna be on the winning side, they're gonna have to pull some weight around here... including my own.

"You... weigh... too much..." Xenia mutters, straining under my weight. Oh, what a baby, I don't even weigh that much, 140 at most.

"Less talk, more mush! Hyah, mule, hyah!" I shout, slapping my newest mount on the flank, and causing Kherrie to start giggling.

"I'm a sniper, dammit... Why won't you just levitate there? I refuse to be degraded this way!" Xenia says, so I kick her again.

"I said forward! What you 'want' is irrelevant, and all that matters is Cloudsdale! Now, forward, steed!" I shout, preparing to kick her again.

"Fine... don't be so pushy..." Xenia says, succumbing to my breaking. Like any steed, you sometimes have to be rough with them, and I was about to get REALLY rough with this one in a second... Wait, that's not what I meant! Don't you DARE take it that way! Ugh... anyway, so, long story short, I'm being carried to Cloudsdale on the back of a whore, alongside Kherrie, and some unicorn I never met before. So, we ride, and we are off to Cloudsdale, to face whatever horrors await us there. It was... actually a pretty slow journey. Can't imagine why, as I specifically told my new mule, er, steed, to use her fastest pace! Next time, I'll just stick with one of the changelings. Hmm... I wonder what those two do when I'm not around. Whip, I can see opening a tavern or something, but Ribbon... I don't know, the girl doesn't even like being touched. She does seem to like Whip, though... I wonder what those two do together when I'm gone... I may have to spy on them one day. Anyway, thoughts of randomness aside, we finally reach the cloudy city in about an hour or so, and I tremble with anticipation of the fun I'm going to have. Yes, this was day one of what will forever be known as: Malideus' Malicious Massacre of Evil! Yeah, I'm still working on the name. Anyway, here we are, finally, and Xenia and Stargazer set down in a puffy alley. Yep, Cloudsdale is pretty much how I thought it'd be: made of clouds, and I'm walking on it. What are these clouds MADE of?

"Well, here we are: Cloudsdale." Stargazer says, gesturing toward the hard-to-look-at expanse of puffy cloud-buildings. I fucking hate this world, and for this exact reason. Oh well, no point dwelling on it. Now... It's time for some magic.

"Alright, Stargazer, Xenia, stay out of sight until I specifically call your names. Kherrie, you just stay here and touch nothing." I command.

"Will do, sir." Stargazer says.

"Fine..." Xenia moans.

"Aww, do I have to?" Kherrie whines.

"Yes, you do! Stay here, in this alley, and just absorb water vapor or something. I'm going to vaporize every living thing in this town." I say, and I try to leave, when Xenia stops me:

"Wait, what do you want us to do about the weather factory?" Xenia asks.

"What? Weather factory? The fuck's a weather factory?" I ask, confused. I remember something about it from a site I trolled once, but I haven't seen the internet in months, so my memory evades me on that subject.

"You really aren't from here, are you?" Stargazer asks, causing me to stare at him with utmost contempt.

"The weather factory is how the pegusi control the weather: Clouds go into the building, clouds go out, and it creates equestria's weather." Xenia says, and I nod, understanding the versatility of my situation.

"So... If we take that, we basically control the country?" I ask.

"Yep." Stargazer replies simply. Now, I originally wanted to just destroy the town... but I love the prospect of controlling the weather, and therefor everything else. It would be wrong not to.

"Alright, change of plans. You three head to the factory, wherever that is, and tag it. Soon as I fight my way over there, I'll take it over. And remember, all three of you: I want as many casualties as possible. Got it?" I ask, and Kherrie and Xenia snap salutes, while Stargazer just shrugs.

"Yes sir!" Kherrie and Xenia say, and Kherrie jumps onto Xenia's shoulder, and the three are off, leaving me with a whole city to destroy as I see fit. Oh, this is going to be fun. Finally, after some getting into character, I walk off in a random direction, ready for destruction. Soon, I reach what appears to be a town square, and I see pegusi flying every which way, including some uniformed ones. It all looked so carefree, so oblivious, so peaceful... well, all good things must come to an end, some more violently than others. However, before I can zap one of the feathered fucks out of the air like duck hunter (sans the fuckin' dog), one of the uniformed ones see me, and everything goes to shit before I can process what just happened. But after I regain my general awareness, I see all the pegasus citizens are gone, and I'm suddenly surrounded by Wonderbolts, all of them wanting a piece of me. So, I hit them with my dry wit:

"What the heck just happened?" I ask.

"Alright, wizard, it's over for..." One says, but I interrupt him:

"Alright, stop RIGHT there. Before you finish that sentence, let me remind you that I am Malideus, the most dangerous living thing on the planet, and you are just guards. Now, do you HONESTLY think that you have any real chance of bringing me in?" I ask, and the pegusi cast confused looks at each other.

"He's... kinda right. Do we really stand a chance against him?" One Wonderbolt asks, and the leader groans, facepalms, and glares at them.

"Of course we can! We're the good guys, we always win! Plus, we outnumber him!" The leader says, turning her glare back to me.

"Oh, yeah, so you do." I say, looking around. "However, one question remains, ma'am: How many of you are feeling froggy enought to actually jump?" I ask, and a few actually shudder.

"Don't try and scare us, Malideus! Just give yourself up so we can go home and put this behind us!" The leader says, and I tap the chin of my helmet in mock thoughtfulness.

"Hmm... How 'bout no." I say, and before the leader of the group can even blink I pull the gutsiest move I've ever pulled: I swing my bladed staff in front of me, stunning the Wonderbolts surrounding me. The one in front of me, though, just stands there for a second, looking absolutely shocked. Suddenly, her eyes go blank, dull and lifeless, and blood begins to run from around her neck. Then, I poke her head, and it falls off, causing blood to spray everywhere. Oddly enough, the blood just falls through the clouds, while the body and head just hit them with a soft "poof". Then, the other guards go ballistic, and leap at me. However, I had anticipated this, and I teleport a few feet away, leaving the hapless Wonderbolts struggling in a massive dog pile, whereupon I zap them all, and after a few seconds of spazzing out, the group falls limp, occasionally twitching, and I don't need to check their pulses to know that they're dead: their eyes are all rolled back into their heads.

"Well, looks like there's gonna be orphans tonight." I say, dusting myself off. "Well, time to kill the rest of these buttholes." I say, wandering off to wreck this place all kinds of ways.

"So... how to begin..." I ask myself. The buildings are clouds, so ice and electricity seem like good options... but I hate ice, and I use lightning too often. So, after a while, I decide to just wing it. So, using my staff, I summon a massive gale, and center it into a tornado around where I am, and just for the heck of it, I grab my orb of souls, and infuse a few of them into the massive twister, creating a... well... I don't know. A soulnado? Damn, now I'm using puns. Either way, the soulnado I made turns purple after all the souls are in, and starts shooting green lightning everywhere. It looks cool and all, but then it runs off and just starts wrecking everything with a vengeance, and starts zapping people with it's lightning, which I guess steals their souls, because every time it does that, it gets bigger and meaner. That, in itself, is pretty awesome, so I let it be. No way a soul-sucking, hyper-destructive and violent tornado can possibly ever get out of control. So, I basically just single-handedly trashed the town, and killed everyone inside it. How? I have no idea, nor do I feel like arguing it. So I turn around to walk away, when I'm suddenly tackled at the speed of light by someone, and they have me in a hold, so I find it hard to break free.

"This is becoming too common an occurrence..." I mutter, grabbing my assailant by the mane, and pulling them over me.

"Oof! Ugh... cheater..." The pony says, groaning. I then get up, and turn her over... oh, Christ, it's Rainbow Dash... again.

"You!? WHAT THE PUKE, GIRL!?" I yell, picking her up by her jersey.

"I live here! And you're one to talk, as soon as I saw that purple, soul-sucking tornado thing, I knew you were behind this! Now call it off, before I get violent with you!" Rainbow Dash says, and my eye twitches involuntarily.

"I can understand how you saw it, but why do you assume I had anything to do with it?" I ask, dropping her.

"Because you ALWAYS have something to do with it! Every time something is destroyed, or when people get maimed by demons, or EVAPORATED BY SOUL-SUCKING TORNADOES, you always seem to be behind it!" Rainbow Dash screams, getting in my face.

"Well, I never said you were wrong... But what are you doing, touching me?! Don't you value your pitiful life?" I ask, pushing her away.

"I just want you to stop being a murderous jerk! Now, call your... thing... off, before I kick your butt!" Rainbow Dash threatens, getting into an aggressive stance. This little lesbian thinks she can take me? This should be fun. Easy, but fun.

"You wanna dance, you little gay pride mascot? I'll rearrange your face before you can say 'ouch'!" I say, putting up my fists.

"I'll run circles around you and that fancy gala dress of yours, punk!" Rainbow says, and before I can make my move, she throws a punch to my gut, but her fist hits armor, and she reels back, tears in her eyes as she holds her fist. I'll admit it: She's fast, but she can't hit.

"Okay... My turn." I say, cracking my knuckles, and Rainbow Dash gulps as I approach her, and raise my pimp hand. It's been too long since it's been in service, and it lusts for the face of this ho.

"B-back off, you freak!" Rainbow Dash cries, and I grab her again, hoist her up, and raise my pimp hand in preparation.

"We'll see who's calling who a freak when I scar that pretty little face of yours." I say. Rainbow then growls, and kicks my groin, causing a resounding 'clang'.

"Oh, Aaugh, god damn it, you whore!" I cry, doubling over, but not letting go of her tacky 'Wonderbolts' jersey. However, before she can escape my grip, I get right back up, laughing, and she looks at me like I've grown a third arm. "Nah, I'm wearing metal leggings. I'm perfectly fine. You, however, are now quite dead." I say, raising my almighty pimp-hand.

"Oh, come on..." Rainbow Dash says, and a loud whack rings throughout the city as I hit her so hard, she goes cross-eyed for a second. Then, I walk off, my first job complete. Now, lets check off what I have so far... I killed some people, check, I caused a supernatural disaster that is now destroying the city, check, and I pimp-slapped rainbow dash, check. Now, all that leaves me with is... finding where all these fucking Wonderbolts are coming from!

"But where am I going to find their source of trained soldiers?" I ask, not quite sure where to look. Then, suddenly, I see a large building in the distance, with Wonderbolts all over it, fighting off the soulnado with startling effectiveness. Nonetheless, I have found it, and now, I'm going to decommission it. I then begin my trek over to the academy, which has now driven the soulnado away (bummer), and I arrive at the steps, eager to begin my slaughter.

"Schools out forever, kiddies..." I mutter, raising my staff. Then, I kick down the doors, and begin my search for whoever's in charge of this place. I begin my search in the easternmost wing of the building, which I see is full of the girls. Well, this take slaughter out of the occasion, since I try not to hit girls... most of the time. However, I can still get some info from these anthropomorphic mules. Soon as I enter the wing, everyone sees, and has run into a different room, locking the doors behind them, and leaving one student out in the open, as she frantically tries every door in an attempt to escape me. The display in itself is both amusing AND pathetic, so I decide to spare her. But first, I need answers.

"You, mare!" I shout, and she stops dead, backed up against a door, and sweating profusely. "I have questions, and you have answers. Now spill your guts, before I do it for you." I threaten, approaching her, and the poor mare tries to back up further, though she cannot, actively whimpering some kind of prayer as I draw closer.

"Stop crying, you coward!" I yell, grabbing the pegasus's throat, and as she grips my hand in order to keep it from tightening, I see her actually piss herself in terror, and I step back, disgusted. "Oh, Jesus... and check your defense mechanisms while you're at it, you infant!" I shout, stepping away from the fear-induced puddle of urine. Suddenly, I hear murmuring behind one door, and I see a bunch of pegusi crowded around the window of one door, staring in horror at what I'd done. So, ignoring the blubbering mare I just scared pissless, I turn my attention to the other door, pointing my staff at it, and then loosing a fireball at it. Then, the door explodes, and the students are sent flying backwards, and chips of burning wood bounce everywhere.

"You know it's rude to stare, right?" I ask as I enter the room, and then the students get up, and get the brilliant idea to get aggressive.

"Come on, girls, we can take him! Let's get him!" The one in front says, and they all charge me at once. I just yawn at their display, and cross my arms, then I teleport three feet away from them, causing them to tackle nothing but air.

"That was just stupid. Did you honestly think that would work?" I ask, raising my staff.

"We'd rather die than serve you, Malideus!" the leader exclaims, and her lackeys agree, so I decide to test that.

"You got guts, kid... let's see what they look like." I say, and I run up, and swipe at her with the blades of my staff, cutting her neck. Not a deep one, mind you, just deep enough to let her know that I mean business. Then, as soon as she sees that her neck is bleeding, she drops to her knees, holding it, and everyone stares at her in horror, then at me.

"Where's the one running this outhouse?" I ask, and one gulps, and replies:

"T-the main office... c-center of the academy..." she says, on the verge of fainting.

"Thank you. See, was that so hard?" I ask, patting her head. "Oh, and you might want to get your friend there some help: that cut looks pretty nasty." I say jokingly, and I walk out the door, to the main office, to put an end to all this nonsense. Along the way, I see no one, and I assume that they all fled. Just as well, gives me more time to think of some witty one-liners to use when I step into that office. Finally, without any resistance, I see the office, and promptly kick open the door, to see... no one. The desk was empty, and the blinds were closed. Clearly, someone saw me coming from a mile away. And who wouldn't? I'm not exactly 'subtle'.

"Guess they got scared and ran off..." I say aloud, and I almost turn around, when my spidey-senses start tingling, and I barely avoid a lamp to my head. Seeing that someone was in the room with me, I turn around, and see... another mare?! What the hell, even the drill sargents are female!? That's it, I'm done being chivalrous (granted, I was always kind of a sexist to begin with). Now, some hos were getting popped, starting with this one.

"Get out of my office!" The pegasus screams, lunging again, and I promptly dodge, then I grab her arm, and swing her into a wall.

"You know, the reason I never joined the military was because I never quite respected authority. Kind of ironic, don't you think?" I ask, approaching the downed pegasus.

"Great, this one's crazy, too..." The mare says, getting up and going for a punch. Unfortunately for me, I failed to recognize that she had two fists, so as soon as I catch one, the other strikes my gut, resulting in a metallic 'clang', and my opponent holding her injured hand, on the verge of tears. God, I love armor.

"What, me? Crazy? I thought so at first... hell, who knows, I'm in a world of talking, humanoid ponies." I say, launching a punch of my own at her. The blow strikes her face, causing her to reel backward, and I continue my assault. "I get sucked in here, but I don't know how, or why. So, you know what? Maybe I am crazy. But, you know what? I don't care. If this is a coma, I hope I never wake up!" I yell, striking the pegasus's gut, and I must have hit her a little harder than I thought, because she then doubles over, and vomits on the floor. Now, I'm starting to get that icky feeling up my spine again, but I ignore it. What bad could happen here and now? So, I tower over my opponent, who's name escapes me at the moment, though she looks familiar, and grab her mane, hoisting her head to face me.

"Now, I'm going to tell you something, bitch. I currently have three of my lackeys taking the weather factory by force, and a soulnado tearing the city apart. If you want them to vanish, you will tell me everything I need to know, got it?" I ask, but the pegasus shoots me a hateful glare, and defies me:

"I hope you drop dead, you bastard. You're not fit to even be touching me, you big, dumb, cowardly, maggot!!" she exclaims, and let me tell you, that pisses me off. No one talk about Malideus like that! NO ONE!!!

"Oh, now you're gonna get it..." I say, placing my hand on her head.

"What are you going to do, kill me? Steal my soul? I won't give you the satisfaction of a single tear, you bastard! You can do whatever you want to me, but you'll get nothing!" she says, and then she spits on my robe, and right now, I'm so pissed, I stand there for a second, still gripping her, and then, in a fit of blind rage, I, well, I don't know. I just remember blacking out, and having that nightmare I have whenever I sleep, the demon one. Only, this time, right out the gate, the demon bursts from the ground, and devours me, and I'm suddenly seeing things from the air, like a kill-cam. Then, I see the demon, which looks like a giant, metal insect of some kind, like a fucked-up praying mantis, but its front arms are long, thin, and they end in twisted, clawed hands,.The beast then rears up, roaring a sound like grating metal and an erupting volcano, and it eats Celestia, then the castle, then the country, and finally, the world. As soon as I finally wake up, I see the room is trashed slashes and holes in the walls and ceiling, the pegasus is in a corner, her uniform torn up in places, and her whole body covered in slashes, bruises, and blood spatters, and she looks at me like I turned into some kind of monster. Also, I feel tired.

"Ugh... what just..." I mutter, holding my head. My opponent, however, does not respond, she just sits there, huddled and breathing heavily. Oh, lord, I just berserked. Dammit, I'm better than that! But that nightmare... was it directly connected to my feelings? Arrgh, this is too confusing! What was that thing? Why was it eating everything? Why was it focused on ME? Ugh, I need help. But not now, as I have an adversary to finish.

"S-stay back! Don't come near me, you freak!" my opponent says, and I stop, confused. 'Freak'? Did she somehow see my face?

"What? What'd I do?" I ask in genuine confusion, and the pegasus looks surprised, and tilts her head in confusion.

"You... you don't know? You didn't see yourself turn into that... that thing?" she asks. Wait, I turned into a thing?!

"What? What thing? Was it cool?" I ask, not sure what to make of this situation.

"You... you don't..." The pegasus says, but her blood loss gets the better of her, and she passes out, leaving me with more questions than I care to have, like, for starters, what the fuck did I turn into? I really don't like the thought of turning into things, and I really need answers... maybe Kragd-Maul or Kherrie will know something about this. They ARE old gods, after all. So, that done, I leave, and head straight for the weather factory, which I'm assuming to be the biggest building in the city, seeing that it's the most important. However, as I'm wandering, I see Xenia flying toward me, and she looks terrified.

"Boss! Boss! It's really fucked up, man! It's Kherrie... she... she..." Xenia says, freezing up, and I slap her, hoping that would work. It did, but I didn't get the reaction I expected:

"Did... did you just SLAP me?!" Xenia asks, holding her face.

"Yeah, I figured it would fix you. Now, what is it about Kherrie?" I ask, and Xenia starts looking panicked again, and replies:

"She, well, she transformed, or something! Now she looks like some kind of horror film monster!" Xenia says, and this makes me VERY uncomfortable.

"Take me there, now!" I demand, and Xenia nods, pulling my arm to the factory, which isn't really as I imagined it. But, oh well. But as I get near, I recoil at the smell of sulfur and rotting meat times, like, a million, and the sight of many half-eaten bodies, which I'm assuming is Kherrie. Oh, god, now I'm starting to regret calling her pipsqueak.

"She's in there! Me and what's-his-face ran as soon as she transformed, but I don't know where he is! Look, can we just go?" Xenia asks, but I sigh, and face up, ready to face Kherrie.
"No. You stay here, and watch my six. I'll go in there, find Stargazer, and see what's going on. Got it?" I ask, and Xenia nods her head, shivering. God, what a baby. Still, I have to find out what's going on, and I have to find Kherrie. She may be an old god, but I don't think she would betray me, even if she did turn into some kind of monster. So, bracing myself, I walk into the now-dark factory, which is full of all kinds of machinery, some still whirring and clanging, and I brace my self for anything.

"Dammit... Why did I walk in here alone..?" I mutter, remembering every horror movie ever watched, all involving this same scenario: Guy walks, alone, into a factory that he KNOWS has a monster in it, monster finds him, and he dies... except that guy is usually either black, or the chick. Still, I don't feel good about this, not one bit.

"Look... It's just Kherrie. She wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact, she loves flies." I say, trying to assure myself.

"Yeah, but she loves meat, too, and you and what's-his-face are both meat." My inner voice chimes in, causing me to shudder.

"No, you shut up! I can take her! I can take anyone, even that sad excuse for a walking garden!" I exclaim, bolstering my courage. That is, until I hear childish giggling from all around me, and I damn near piss myself. Then, I hear a pony screaming in pain, and a horrible, tearing noise, and I almost turn around. Fuck this shit, I'm out of here, I'm not about to die like this! However, I turn arund, and a strange, dark figure stands only a few meters away, startling me.

"Oh, lord..." I whisper, backing away. I can't see her face, but I know it's Kherrie, because she's wearing a dress of some kind, by the shape of it, and giggling like a little girl.

"Where are you goin', Mally? Weren't you here to check up on me?" Kherrie asks, and I almost lose control of my bowels.

"Kherrie, stop fucking with me! This isn't funny!" I say, charging a fireball.

"It's not? I think it is... did I ever mention how cute you look when you're scared?" Kherrie says, and I've had enough.

"What the hell is this all about, Kherrie? Where's Stargazer?" I ask.

"Oh, him? He ran away... but I caught him. He's safe with me now... just like you'll be." Kherrie says, and she suddenly vanishes, and I look around frantically for her.

"Welp, we're dead. Funny, I always figured I'd go out as a result of your stupidity, instead of such an unforeseen consequence." My inner voice mocks, and I hit my head to shut him up.

"We're not dead yet, you ass! I just have to stay quiet, and stay calm, and I'll be out of here." I say, and I begin to walk toward the exit, but I hear something bang behind behind me, and I turn, expecting to see Kherrie... but I just see a can that fell off a shelf, and I sigh in relief. I'm not dead yet! So, I turn back around, and I scream. There, right in front of me, is a tall, white dress, a kimono, by the look of it, and Kherrie is in it, standing as tall as me, and her arms and legs are hidden by the kimono, but there is blood along the rims of her sleeves and the bottom of her dress, and her face is mostly hidden by long, root-like hair, save her mouth of long, sharp, shining white teeth, which is locked into the biggest, most twisted smile I've ever seen, ever. I try to scream, to run, to do anything, but I'll tell you, you may find this cliche', but you've never fucking had this happen to you! All I can do is hold my breath as she smiles wider, and raises one arm to me.

"Come with me, Mally-wally... let's be friends... forever!" Kherrie says, and I scream as she grabs my robe with her long, clawed fingers, and pulls me close.

Author's Note

Cliffhanger!

Dun dun dun!!!

Ch.19- The choice

As Kherrie pulled me toward her, I was certain that this was the end. Now, I was going to die at the hands of a crazy, lunatic shrubbery with murder on its mind. I could imagine worse ways to go, but not a lot, and this was pretty bad in itself. In fact, dying in general just did NOT suit well with me. So, I struggle, but Kherrie has both her arms around me, and has no intention of releasing me.

"Don't struggle, Mally... soon, you'll be safe, with me... and no one will take you away..." Kerrie says, her voice just as childlike as before she turned into the Grudge, which added to her fear factor even more. Welp, that's it, I'm dead. So, in that face, I might as well go out boldly:

"Do your worst, shrub! Kill me, and I'll haunt you for the rest of your life!" I shout struggling. Kherrie, though, just laughs a hearty, oddly affectionate laugh, and then looks right at me, two red pinpricks of light shining from behind her long, root-like hair, paralyzing me with fear. "Or, you know, just release me out of the goodness of your heart?" I ask sheepishly. Now, normally, I can stare down anything, but the reason that I'm acting like a pussy right now is a simple one: I FUCKING HATE GHOSTS. I always have. they are not natural, and they just terrify me. Why? I don't know, nor do I care. And right now, Kherrie looks like a fucking ghost. And to make matters worse, she was enjoying this.

"Oh, no... Just stay a while, with me! We'll be so happy together, you know..." Kherrie says, but I really don't like where this is going, so I pull out my ace: I shift my weight so that my legs are up, and I wrap my legs around her, and use my weight to force her onto her back. Then, while I'm released, I run like a bat out of hell. However, I forgot to consider that she teleports, and she keeps popping up in front of me, forcing me to sharply turn, and she continues this for a while, around every machine I try to lose her with.

"Oh, jeez... Wouldn't you be happier with Slenderman?" I pant, running low on steam, and then, just as I'm ready to pass out, Kherrie pops up behind me from out of nowhere, grabs me, and turns me around to face her and her evil, sharp-toothed smile. "Christ... Just let me go, you creeper!" I demand, struggling with the remainder of my power.

"Oh, Mally... you'd surely perish out there, having never made your mark... wouldn't you rather be safe here, with me?" Kherrie asks, opening her large, toothy maw. Then, a long, white tongue slips out of the abyss, prodding beneath my helmet, and sliding beneath it, much to my disgust. "Be safe with me, Mally... You don't have to worry ever again..." She coos affectionately, and I almost gag.

"Wonderful, she's going to eat you now. Why did you strike that deal with the crazy, meat-eating plant thing in the first place?!" My inner voice chides, as Kherrie's tongue slides along my neck and face, leaving a sweet-smelling... stuff... in its wake.

"She seemed harmless at the time! How was I supposed to know she was going to turn into a Fatal Frame reject!?" I retort mentally, gagging as Kherrie's tongue finds my mouth, and slides down my throat, writhing like a giant, slimy worm... Eugh, make it stop...

"You taste delicious, Mally-wally... I'm sure Stargazer will be quite happy to have some company..." Kherrie says as she pulls her tongue out of my face. God, please don't let it go anywhere else... oh, Jesus, it just crept to my chest! Oh, lord, get her off of me! It's gross!

"Let me go, you creepy-ass weed!" I shout, struggling harder, but finally giving up, my strength exhausted.

"Wonderful! Now, instead of going out like a villain, we get to die like Tootsie-pops. Fucking wonderful." My inner voice mopes, and I sigh, which was hard to do without gagging, now that my mouth tasted like someone dumped high-fructose corn syrup in it.

"Ugh... this is embarrassing..." I mutter, accepting my fate. Then, Kherrie pulls me closer, and brings her mouth closer to my head, and I close my eyes, waiting for the end.

"Be safe within me, Mally... forev-" Kherrie says, but is interrupted half-way through by a voice I never thought I'd be happy to hear:

"Hey, Kherrie, where'd you say the controls we... WHAT THE HECK?!" Stargazer cries, reeling back after appearing from behind some machinery. Kherrie, in response, jumps back in shock, releasing me.

"Star, you ruined the prank! I was gonna scare Mally good!" Kherrie says, retracting her tongue, and leaving me wet and confused. What the fuck was going on here?

"P-prank..?" I ask, too confused for words.

"This is what you call a prank!? You looked ready to EAT him!" Stargazer says, and Kherrie blushes, shuffling her, eh, feet, I suppose, though I can't see them, since the dress covers them.

"I wasn't gonna go ALL the way..." Kherrie says, looking down, and brushing the 'hair' from her eyes, which were basically the same as previous, but fit to scale, if a bit large, proportionally speaking.

"Prank..?" I ask, my anger building to critical, aneurysm-inducing levels.

"Uhh... Mal, you okay?" Kherrie asks, and both Stargazer and Kherrie back up as I beging to growl and tremble.

"What... the... FUCK!?!?" I scream, causing the immediate area around me to suddenly start heating exponentially, and a nearby rack melts almost instantly as the two dunces back up in an effort to not get vaporized.

"Woah! Calm down, it was just a joke!" Kherrie says, and I launch a fireball at her, which she dodges, before speaking again:

"A JOKE!? THIS IS YOUR SICK, FUCKED-UP DEFINITION OF A JOKE!? WELL, HOW ABOUT A PUNCHLINE?!" I yell, lunging at her. We then tussle for a bit, and it finally settles with me putting Kherrie in a headlock, and squeezing. After a while of begging from Kherrie, Stargazer tries to pry me off, but I hiss at him, causing him to back away quickly.

"Boss, come on, you you other things to be doing than tormenting Kherrie!" Stargazer says, and I finally calm down enough to acknowledge him, and I loosen my grip on Kherrie, allowing her to gasp for air. Then, I release her, my anger still there, but not nearly as bad.

"Mal... That really hurt..." Kherrie says, teary-eyed.

"YOU MOLESTED ME AND ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK, YOU PSYCHO!!!" I yell, causing Kherrie to flinch.

"I just wanted to play a joke... why are you so mean?" Kherrie cries, activating her 'puppy eyes'. Christ, even in this form...

"Why are you trying to kill me!? You know I hate ghosts!" I exclaim, throwing my arms into the air for emphasis.

"No I didn't..." Kherrie says sheepishly.

"Oh..? Uh, Well now you do! And why were you tasting me?!" I ask, still disgusted by the scene with her licking me like a big piece of hard candy.

"I... uh... thought it would freak you out..." Kherrie explains, blushing, and causing me to facepalm.

"Ugh... you make me sick..." I sigh quietly, so no one can hear me. "...So, that aside, what's... this... all about?" I ask, gesturing toward her new form.

"Oh, well, I kinda evolved, I guess." Kherrie says, getting up, and then twirling for emphasis.

"I can see that. But, what I want to know is what caused it." I explain, and Kherrie giggles, then proceeds to explain:

"Well, when Celestia took my power, it diminished me to a size capable of being sustained on such low power, as the laws of this world go; when you takes someone's inherent power, they shrink in order for their bodies to continue existing." Kherrie explains, and I suddenly get it: like how a balloon shrinks when the air is let out, beings were the same with inherent magic.

"Well... that explains what happened to Celestia..." I mutter, remembering how, when I took Celestia's power, she became smaller, which is probably how she knew I took it.

"Yeah, I heard about that..." Stargazer says, looking to me with renewed intrigue and respect. Suddenly, though, we all stop dead when we hear soft, slow clapping from the other end of the hall, and see two red, twisted eyes glaring through the darkness.

"Well, well... You finally got it. Shame Kherrie had to be the one to explain it to you, though... she's not a very good teacher." Kragda-Maul says, stepping from the shadows, still slowly clapping. Suddenly, Kherrie turns extremely hostile, and she gets into an aggressive pose, ready to rush the rival old god.

"Kragda-Maul... Why are you here?! Our agreement was that you stayed out of my biz!" Kherrie cries, and Kragda-Maul chuckles, his smile growing into a condescending sneer.

"Yes, that WAS the deal... but, it seems you still lack the power to enforce it. Oh, how do you think Keenok and Tyrranax will react when they discover this, Kherrie?" Kragda-Maul sneers, and Kherrie growls, the air around her getting warmer. "And above all, that foul, 'new' language disgusts me. Maybe you are STILL too young for actual godhood." The demon says, and Kherrie responds immediately:

"That's not true! You see me now, Maul!? I'm stronger than I've been in years! Now get lost, before I turn you into paste!" Kherrie screams, extending her arms, which launches red thorns at Kragda-Maul. However, the old god of chaos and irony just yawns, and black, gooey tentacles emerge from the darkness behind him, and whip out at the thorns, stopping them dead.

"Now, now, Kherrie... you know what your temper got you last time, don't you?" Kragda-Maul asks, dismissing the tentacles. Kherrie, however, did not lower her arms, and seemed to get angrier at Kragda-Maul. Jeez, they weren't kidding about their 'history'.

"Hey, Stargazer, you should go and find that control room you were talking about... I should probably stop this." I say, gazing at the two bickering deities.

"Brilliant, and maybe you should sign a will while you're at it. They're both fine, lets get before they explode or something!" Stargazer says, grabbing my arm, and I'm pretty tempted to go with him. Still, I've grown... eh... what's the word... attached, i suppose, to Kherrie, despite her most recent antic,and would hate to see her 'explode or something', so I figure my best option is to at least try and stop the fighting before someone important dies.

"Guys, can't you two stop fighting for two seconds? This is kinda MY time, here..." I say, and the two old gods both glare daggers at me, but shut up.

"Malideus, you should not interfere in the affairs of old gods..." Kragda-Maul says, but I cut him off.

"What affairs? you two are just trying to kill each other for reason! That's not affairs, that's filler!" I shout, surprising the two, especially Kragda-Maul.

"He's just jealous 'cause I'm stylin' on him!" Kherrie says, twirling her dress, and Kragda Maul's face darkens as his frown becomes deeper and angrier.

"STOP TALKING, INSOLENT BRAT!!!" Kragda-Maul yells, balling his fists, then reaching in for a punch to Kherrie's gut, which she swiftly dodges.

"Why should I, you old fart?! You never gave me a chance, you never even liked me! But now I'm back, and strong as ever, and it's all thanks to Malideus!" Kherrie says, launching more thorns at Kragda-Maul, which are deflected by more tendrils.

"You were never ready! You always believed that things would simply go your way all the time, and You always abused your power in the worst of ways! But now it ends, Kherrie! Now, I will prevent our legacy from being squandered by you!" Kragda-Maul says, and I feel the need to walk away, but some unseen power prevents me from doing that, so I stand there, watching the two come to blows. And by unseen powers, I mean that my inner voice is being a bitch and forcing me into the hero role... again.

"You have to save them! You NEED them!" My inner voice compels.

"I only need ONE of them! Can't I just wait for them to settle this and align myself with the winner?" I ask mentally.

"That's just selfish and cruel! My voice chides.

"Yeah, I'm SUPPOSED to be selfish and cruel, remember?" I retort as the two old gods kill eachother.

"Stop this, for once in your life, just try to care about your allies other than as fodder!" My inner voice chides. "Look at Kherrie! What chance does she have against Kragda-Maul? She led you through the forest, and only wanted to be your friend, and now you're just gonna leave her to die?! Is that it?" My inner voice pressed, and I thought for a second, and sighed mentally, defeated. He's right, I can't just abandon Kherrie, that's a level of wrong I feel not only that I'm above, but just too mean, even for me... Even in light of her most recent 'prank'.

"Ugh... I hate you. Fine, I'll help her." I say, grumbling aloud.

"Well, you'd best get to helping her fast, Because Kragda-Maul's getting the upper hand." My inner voice says, And I see what he means: Kragda-Maul has gotten up and wrapped Kherrie all over with black tentacles, and is about to tear her apart.

"Ah, crap..." I mutter, and I walk forward, and cast a light spell, dispelling the tentacles, which draws Kragda-Maul's ire, and causes Kherrie to fall face-first to the floor.

"What is the meaning of this!? Why are you interfering, mortal?!" Kragda-Maul asks, grimacing.

"Alright, that's enough! I just wanted to invade and take Cloudsdale, not get sucked into this family feud! Now, either tell me what's going on, or I'm gonna lose it!" I shout, slamming my staff to the ground.

"... You should already know, Malideus. You have seen Kherrie for what she truly is: A common, two-bit prankster, and nothing more! She tried to assail the princesses, and she got what she deserved for overstepping her boundaries!" Kragda... You know, I'll just call him Krag for short. Anyway, Krag says this, and Kherrie gets up, and gets defensive.

"You're just jealous because you never had the guts to do it yourself! She was invading MY territory, and stealing MY subjects! You wouldn't know what that's like, because you're all buddy-buddies with Discord!" Kherrie shouts, tears streaming from her eyes. Oh, lord, I just can't win today.

"You can't judge me for making allies! I am smart, and made friends! You however, were weak and bashful! You never made allies, you always tormented others, and always got on my nerves!" Kragda-Maul retorts, his red eyes blazing.

"I am not weak!!!" Kherrie screams, throwing a barrage of poisonous-looking vines at Kragda-Maul.

"Oh, really? Then how do you explain falling from grace with a mortal? That IS weakness!" Kragda-Maul says, dodging the thorns. Then, Kherrie blushes furiously, and casts more thorns at him.

"Shut up!!! Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!" Kherrie screams while futilely casting thorns at Kragda-Maul, and I start getting mixed feelings about this situation. Oh, God, please don't let that mortal be me.

"What..? What the heck are you two going on about now?" I ask reluctantly, And Krag's smile returns, wider than ever.

"Go, tell him Kherrie, or I will!" Kragda-Maul says, and Kherrie stops dead, her whole face turning really, really pale.

"Stay out of this, Mal! Kragda-Maul, you'd better stay quiet, or I'll rearrange your damn face!" Kherrie demands, and Kragda-Maul continues smiling, and turns to me.

"You haven't seen the clues, have you? Her attraction to sitting on YOUR shoulder, her agreeing with you, even her appearing before you and offering a contract!" Kragda-Maul says, and Kherrie tries to lunge, but I hold her back, both horrified and intrigued by this explanation.

"You bastard!!!" Kherrie screams at Kragda-Maul, struggling against my grip.

"Calm down, Kherrie! What are you getting at, Krag?" I ask, fighting to hold the old goddess back, and Kragda-Maul replies:

"Are you truly that naive, boy? The 'prank' alone should have been clue enough! Kherrie has become infatuated... with YOU!" Kragda-Maul laughs, and Kherrie falls limp, looking pitiful. I, however, am now shocked, and quite disturbed. Is this kind of thing even POSSIBLE?!

"W-wha..?" I ask, shocked, and Stargazer looks just as shocked as me. Finally, Kherrie whimpers, breaking free of my grasp.

"Yes, Malideus: Kherrie's weakness has allowed her to fall from grace with a mere mortal, such as yourself, and she now jeopardizes the legacy of the old gods with her disgusting, sinful, and shameful ways. To fall for a mortal... it's unthinkable!" Krag says, and I start having negative feelings about him.

"S-stop..." Kherrie sobs, and I'm tempted to comfort her, but lord knows how old gods get when they're sad...

"Now do you see, Malideus? Look at the sobbing, miserable excuse for a deity before you, and look at me. You know now why I must destroy her: she is a failure, and death is her only redemption. Now stand aside, before you get caught even further into this." Kragda-Maul says, his face becoming serious. Now, I have two options here: I can get involved and save an ally, but probably die, or I can run with my tail between my legs, and live, but betray my lovably quirky ally. I need a plan... and I just got one. It's risky, but I think it will work.

"Wait, Kragda-Maul... Don't kill her." I say, stepping in front of Kherrie, causing surprise from everyone.

"What..? Move, Malideus! You don't know what you're getting involved in!" Kragda-Maul says, and Kherrie raises her head.

"Mal... just move... you can't beat him... just leave me." Kherrie says sadly, but I refuse to be bossed around by some has-been old god of chaos.

"No. Listen here, Maul, and listen good! I don't know what this is about, and I don't really care. But no one else is dying here, especially not one of my own. Yeah, Kherrie's a screw-up, but she's MY screw-up, dammit, and she's leaving here with her life... even if I have to get drastic." I say, causing Kragda-Maul to get angry, and Kherrie to look at me with those puppy eyes, but happier.

"Malideus... Don't get involved..." Kragda-Maul mutters furiously, shaking with rage, and I flinch, now positive that I've made a mistake.

"Wait! Listen, I won't fight you, but I'll make any sacrifice necessary to spare Kherrie. Name your price, Maul. I'm sure I can afford it." I say, standing tall. Krag seems to think about this, and Kherrie gets up, seeming scared for me.

"Mal, what are you doing?! He'll just demand something expensive or crippling from you! Do you know ANYTHING about bargaining with old gods?" Kherrie asks.

"Kherrie, I survived several princess attacks, getting raped four or five times, not including you, and I played poker with Nicol Bolas and his friends. I got this." I say, and before Kherrie can respond, Kragda-Maul makes his decision:

"There is nothing you have that I want, Malideus. Stand aside, or risk destruction." Kragda-Maul say, and I panic.

"Wait! Wait... You said that I was wasting my talents by staying bound to Kherrie once, right?" I ask, and Kragda-Maul looks ponderous, but nods.

"Yes... I have said that..." He says, looking unsure of my intentions. Good, I've got his attention. Now... the kill.

"If you spare Kherrie, I'll call off my contract with her." I say, and Kherrie gets scared, but Krag looks ready to jump for joy.

"Oh, really... Why did I not think of that? Very well, Malideus. Do it now, and I'll spare that wretched child." Kragda-Maul says, but I don't fully trust him.

"What if you're just saying that?" I ask, not wanting to take unnecessary risks.

"Well, judging by your position, you don't seem to have an option other than to take my word for it, do you?" Kragda-Maul says, drawing my ire. He's right, I don't have a choice, but I hate taking these kinds of risks! Ugh, why can't life be simpler...

"Alright... fine." I say, and Krag chuckles evilly, smiling wide.

"Malideus... you don't have to do this... Please, just leave me..." Kherrie whimpers, but I ignore her.

"I want to denounce our contract, Kherrie. How do I do this?" I ask.

"Mal, please..." She pleads, but I put my hand on her head, shutting her up.

"Tell me." I demand, and Kherrie sighs, defeated.

"To break our contract... you must pay the price: a substantial amount of your power." Kherrie says, and I get that icky feeling again, and it's bad.

"Ehhh... And theirs no other way?" I ask, not happy with the prospect of being a shrimp, like Celestia was.

"No. It's your power, or my life." Kherrie says, a pleading look on her face. She doesn't want me to lose it all, but I don't want to lose her, not over something as stupid as this. Kherrie shows great promise now, and I want to see her full potential... even if I have to bet big. Hmm... bet... I got an idea! Old gods adhere to rules, too... I play this chump a game of poker, and I'll win Kherrie's life. But this guy looks like such a major cheater... Argh... what should I do!?... I hate making decisions...

Author's Note

Well, quite a pickle we're in, now! Now, it's your turn to decide again! Should Malideus pay the price, and give up some hard-earned power, fight the old god of chaos and irony himself, and risk horrible, horrible death, or should he play the hardest game of poker he's ever played for the life of his lovable companion?

And while you're deciding, here's a brief history of some old gods:

Tyrranax: Actually called "Grand Nightmare Tyrranax", he is the old god of fear and cruelty, and takes the form of a giant, armored humanoid with little of his body revealed, and giant, black armor. what is shown of his actual body is seen as an oozing, red liquid. He is rivals with Klein, old god of perfection and order.

Keenok: Old god of misfortune, he takes the form of a giant, violet serpent with four scythe-like arms, and only appears to those about to die from their bad luck, to harvest their souls. He despises Kherrie for assisting Klein in one territory battle, losing him over half of his power and followers to the both of them.

Kragda-Maul: Old god of chaos and irony, has a long-standing hatred of the more carefree and docile old gods, such as Kherrie, seeing them as 'weak, abhorrent children, unfit to carry our legacy', though he himself is quite snarky, laid-back, and full of himself. This is not unjustified, however, as he is the oldest and most powerful old god known, second only to the long-dead Ragnek the Unmaker, old god of inevitability and endings, who's influence is still felt, many years after he was defeated. Kragda-Maul's rivalry with Kherrie has gone on longer than he lets on, but how it started is unknown.

Ch.20: Out of the frying pan...

I can't decide... thoughts are racing through my head, as Kragda-Maul stands there, looking smug and victorious, and Kherrie's just sobbing. Each decision I make will alter the course of my war, and right now, I can't afford to make a bad call. On one hand, I could play him, but on the other, I could save some trouble and just fold. Both choices are certain death, and I can't get into character to bluff my way out of this! Ugh, why did autopilot have to bail on me?!

"Well, Malideus? have you made your decision?" Kragda-Maul asks, catching me off-guard, and I secretly grit my teeth, furious at my own incompetence. Play him, many voices in my head cried, but the rest told me to give in, and accept my losses. I hate losing, I really do... and that's why I've got to think fast. I play a mean game of poker, Nicol Bolas himself can tell you, but that was on neutral ground, with several opposing factors. This was a game of chance, in his world, and with no other factors. I was bound to lose if I fought him or played him... But I can't back down while others are looking. I have to do something, and both fighting and B.S.ing are my specialties. I have to do something, and if I have to get a little hammy, then so be it.

"Krag, we've been in business for a while now, and I don't want to fight you. But if I have to, then I will." I say, not really sure if I want to go through with this. He's a god, for crying out loud!

"I sense your hesitation, Malideus. You know you cannot win, and it's wise that you do. Stand aside, boy, and let me do the world a favor." Kragda-Maul says, stepping forward.

"Mal, he's going to kill you! Just back off and let him kill her!" Stargazer shouts, but I ignore him, standing my ground. I've come too far and worked too hard to back down from anyone, and if I give ground to Kragda-Maul, I may never get it back. I run the risk of losing more than some power if I falter; I risk my standing, my progress, and a powerful, loyal ally if I back down to this jerk. I have to stand, now or never.

"Listen to your mortal friend, Malideus. Stand aside, or risk destruction. What I do must be done, and you will not interfere with my plans." Kragda-Maul says, his voice low and serious. "You cannot fight the oldest and most powerful old god in existence!" Krag finishes loudly, shaking the facility, and Kherrie shudders, looking up to him, glaring daggers at the old god as if all her hate was focused on him.

"That's a lie." She says, and Kragda-Maul stops dead, as if that struck a nerve.

"What..?" Krag asks slowly, blinded with rage.

"I said... that that's a damned lie! The most powerful of us... was Ragnek! You were always just a distant second to him, and you always will be, Maul!" Kherrie says, looking as if to get up, but she stays down, still distraught over something. Eh, girls will be girls... Wait... Ragnek?

"Kherrie... who is Ragnek?" I ask nervously, feeling the name grow more and more familiar. I've never heard it before, but just sounds so familiar, and in such an odd way.

"What would you care, Malideus? Our kind is of little concern to you, even the dead ones! Stand aside, before you get too deep into this!" Kragda-Maul thunders, launching several tendrils at me, which I destroy with a simple light spell.

"I don't need a reason to care! Kherrie, who is Ragnek?" I ask again, more impatiently, this time,, and Kherrie sighs, and looks up to me with a pleading look before continuing:

"Ragnek... was an old god, just like us. However, he was not just any old god. Among us, he was a titan, the first born, and the most powerful ever. His domain was over the end of all things, and the inevitability of death and decay. When we came to take our places beneath him, a few of us accepted his rule, for he was not unkind or cruel.

"However, many old gods grew to covet immortality, and either feared the end, or became jealous of his permanence in the world, while we rotted away and died. Those who opposed him struck against him, one at a time, at first. Ragnek beat everyone, though, until the remainder banded together, and banished him to Tartarus. Then, they begun replacing those they lost to Ragnek with new spirits, and I was one of those newborns." Kherrie explained. I almost said something, when Maul burst out:

"None of this has any relevance! Yes, Ragnek was powerful and all that, and Kherrie is a failure of a child! Why are you stalling for a history lesson?" Krag asked loudly, and I looked back to him, glaring.

"I'm just curious, Maul. Why are you so hell-bent on destroying her for 'corrupting your legacy'? Aren't you old gods immortal?" I ask angrily, and Kragda-Maul looks around, as if for support, but finds none, and sighs before explaining:

"... No. We are not. We still exist under the influence of Ragnek, so we made the new spirits, Like Kherrie, to be in our likeness, but to be unaffected by Ragnek's influence. It worked... to an extent." Kragda-Maul says solemnly, looking angrily at Kherrie.

"What do you mean, 'to an extent'?" I ask.

"We made the spirits to replace us, using our own essence to create them, like children, and I, myself, created Kherrie. However, she was rebellious! She was meant to replace my role, but she took up nature instead! I tried to be patient with her, but the more she grew, the less like me she became, until she turned into what might have been the closest to my polar opposite she could become. When I deemed her a failure and tried to reabsorb her to create another and try again, she struck back at me and fled, and she hid until she became strong enough to oppose me, devouring my brother in the process." Maul explains, and he tenses as he finishes, his rage seeming to build higher by the second.

"...That is why she must be destroyed while she is weak! I refuse to die with this failure as my remaining seed!" Kragda-Maul shouts, and Kherrie chokes up, falling to the ground again. Dammit, I'm surrounded by daddy/daughter issues! This is the WORST cliche'-fest I've ever had the misfortune to be a part of! Still, this is no time to regret being surrounded by loonies. Kragda-Maul wants to reabsorb Kherrie, and I don't like the prospect of having her replaced by another, probably less-helpful version of Krag. Plus, I don't know why, but I kinda like Kherrie; she's like that little sister I never had, except she's in love with me, and she's a plant goddess. Still, the only way to end this is to either cut my losses, or put up my fists and fight. Either way, I gotta do something.

"Alright, Maul. I didn't want to fight you, but now I feel like I have to. Nothing personal, I'd just rather not have another you running around; one is quite enough." I say, getting hammy against my will. Damn you, inner voice!

"..... I really hope that you are joking, Malideus." Kragda-Maul growls, looking at me with enough disappointment to make a normal man drop dead. Thankfully, I'm far from normal... I think.

"I shit you not, Kragda-Maul. If fighting you is what it takes, then so be it." I say calmly, though my insides were mangled up in tangled-up knots. This is going to hurt, I just know it, and I REALLY don't want another beating.

" This is childish. Move aside, Malideus, or I'm going to really hurt you!" Kragda-Maul says, his stance becoming aggressive, but I stand there, resting my hands on the tip of my staff.

"None shall pass." I say dramatically. Kragda then looks at me for a few seconds, and scowls deeper, taking a more threatening posture.

"As old god of Chaos, Irony, and the world of pain you're going to enter in a second, I command you to step aside!" Kragda-Maul bellows, but I still stand there like an idiot, which somehow impresses everyone in the vicinity.

"I move... for no man, er, demon." I say again, slower this time, for added effect. Well, this isn't as hard as I thought. What was I afraid of? Oh, right, The old god of chaos and irony!

"I must destroy Kherrie, whether you comply or not. Now, You will let me past, or I will go through myself!" Kragda-Maul retorts, his voice lowering aggressively.

"Then you will die." I say just as aggressively, getting into character for my biggest fight yet. I figured that if I was going to die, I was gonna die like a baws, and who's a bigger baws than the black knight himself?

"Mal, what are you doing?! He's going to kill you!" Kherrie pleads, tugging on my robe.

"Relax, girl, I got this!" I say outwardly, but I immediately take everything back when Maul grabs my neck, lifts me into the air, and throws me into Stargazer. Oogh, I forgot how much getting hit hurts...

"Now... back to business..." Kragda-Maul says, approaching Kherrie, but then I get up, run at him, and drop-kick his black ass, causing him to roar in pain as he falls over. Before I can cheer for my own victory, though, he immediately gets up, turns around, and proceeds to punch, kick, and headbutt me like a freakin' ninja, with me unable to block him. Damn, he's fast! And while he's opening a can of whoop-ass on poor old me, Kherrie and stargazer try to get involved, with Kherrie hurling vines at Maul, and Stargazer hurling some minor spells at him. However, he immediately blocks every one of the attacks like a freakin' boss, and I begin to think that, maybe, I should have just broken the contract and taken his word that he'd leave her alone. But that's in the past, and the present is full of Stargazer getting roundhouse kicked into Kherrie, and me getting lifted and thrown into another machine. Hmm... kind of like... Celestia...

"Those moves..." I gasp, struggling to get up after my recent beat-down. "...They look like the same ones Celestia was using." I finally say, and Kragda-Maul gets into position, smiling.

"Of course they do. After all, I'm the one who taught them to her." Kragda-Maul says, shocking me. That may have been before we first spoke, but still! That's not cool!

"You succubutt!" I yell, swinging my staff at Maul. As soon as he catches the feint attack, I raise my foot to kick him, but he catches that, too.

"Like I said, Malideus, I help EVERYONE, even pesky princesses. I told you that there was no chance of beating me, but you did not heed my warnings. Now, you will die, just as I said you would." Kragda-Maul says. Then, he turns me, kicks me in the back, and grabs my neck in a sleeper hold, flipping onto his back and throwing me backwards, onto mine. Kherrie tries to help, but Maul dodges each attack, despite being on his back, and I slowly start to black out from oxygen deprivation. But I continue to fight his grip, and I eventually slip my head out of his arm, and get up, stumbling due to my light-headedness. Is there really no way to beat this guy?! He has all my moves, and none of my weaknesses! I need something low, or sudden... but what?

"Give up, worms! My fight-power is too extreme!" Krag says, but I ignore his monologue, and rush him again, lowering my head, so my horns go into him. Sure enough, he doesn't see me, and I jam my horns into his torso, and wrap my arms around him, pushing him into another machine. As we hit it, though, my horns are forced out by the impact, and Kragda-Maul punches me in the side two times, and as soon as I let go, he grabs my robe, and pins ME to the machine, and proceeds to wail on my face, which, thankfully, is protected by an invincible helmet. Still, the shock of the blows alone feels like a freight train plowing into my face, over, and over, and over. Finally, having had enough of this, I quickly grab his fist, and send an entire thunderstorm of electricity into the demon, causing him to tense up and freeze, unable to move due to thousands of volts of raw electricity being pumped into his inky, but well-toned body. However, my magic is only limited, and I don't know how long I can last before I give in. Finally, I run out of juice, and Kragda-Maul drops me, stumbles backward, and starts panting heavily, his own stamina running low after that 'shocking' turn of events. Hee hee, I made a funny!

"What... ugh... that power..." Kragda-Maul mumbles tiredly, and I take that advantage to rush him, and land as many cheap shots on him as possible: I start by kicking his leg at the knee, which proceeds to snap backwards as the large demon cries out, and then I grab his head with one hand as he's bent, and slam it into my knee as hard as I can, at least three times, each time leaving a viscous, blue liquid on my leg armor, likely his blood. Do gods even bleed? Anyway, his head flies up as he recoils from my assault, holding his messed-up face as he goes. Then, I land a cheap punch into his gut, making Kragda-Maul double over, holding his now ripped-open abdomen, and I elbow the back of his head while he's down, finishing my awesome combo. Kragda-Maul then falls to the floor, lying in a pool of his own dark-blue blood, and my own blood is pounding in my ears, my adrenaline at full blast. I can't hear them over the pumping, but I know the others are cheering for me, especially Kherrie. Hell, even Xenia showed up, and was jumping for joy. Before I can turn to face them, though, Maul grabs by leg, lifts me up, despite his own injuries, and slams me into a wall. Then, he pulls me out, and slams me into the floor, and repeats the process with a slam into YET ANOTHER machine.

"You... cowardly... insignificant... annoying... INSECT!!!" Kragda-Maul screams, pulling me out of the machine, and throwing me at my minions, but Kherrie catches me, and I get up, dizzy, but not significantly worse of than before Maul went ape-shit, pardon my French.

"Mal, are you okay?" Xenia asks, and I raise my hand, silencing her.

"I... I'm fine... dizzy, but fine... Let's end this, Maul... once and for all." I say, cracking my knuckles, and Kragda-Maul's right eye twitches twice, and he roars, a horrible sound reminiscent to a combination of prolonged thunder, screeching metal, and a T-rex, and the demon charges me, fists ablaze with blue, eerie-looking fire, and I stand tall, my own fists ready. Then, I feel everything start to slow down, like with Luna, the last time I fought her.

Kragda-Maul is soon upon me as I prepare, and he throws his fist at me, but I dodge, not wanting to know what the fire was for. He then tries to knee me in the gut, but I bend around that, Matrix-style, grab his leg, and I break it again with my elbow, this time hitting the bone. A sickening crunch resounds from his leg, and Maul cries out, but He's not done yet. Kragda-Maul then recovers, grabs my face, and lifts me over his head, throwing me backwards. Then, he jumps, going in for a body-slam, and I use my remaining stamina to roll to the side, and I get up, with the old god following suit. He looks terrible, with a mangled-up face, blue blood all over him and the floor, and his leg is bending the wrong way. Still, the demon fights on, punching, kicking, and headbutting me, all with more force I can take. Finally, after several swift blows, Kragda-Maul land his finisher: one swift punch to my exposed gut, and I go down, hitting the floor like a bag of rocks. Dammit... I think I got owned.

"You... fought well... little mortal... but this fight... and your life... are both mine. Goodbye... Malideus... GRAK!!!" Maul cries out, and I look at him with my remaining strength, to see that a thorny vine has pierced his throat, and has come out the other end. I look back to the source, and, to little surprise, I see Kherrie, a vine outstretched from her Kimono, and she looks PISSED.

"Don't... you... fucking... touch him!" Kherrie exclaims, raising the vine upwards, which flings Kragda-Maul into the air, and she brings it down, throwing the demon likewise. Kherrie then retracts her vine-arm, and walks up to me, holding me tight. Remember how I said I don't like being held or manhandled? Well, I think I just got over that.

"Mal... I'm so sorry I dragged you into this..." Kherrie sobs, and I strain to get up, but I do, and manage to choke out some words in the process:

"Don't... be... I think... I think I've actually met a match... I can be proud of..." I wheeze, my lungs filling with blood. Still, I can get up, and I try to, but Kherrie holds me down.

"Don't get up. There's too much of you that's broken. Please, let us finish this fight." Kherrie says, and I obey, collapsing.

"Ugh... Kherrie... If I live through this... remind me to NEVER piss your dad off again..." I mutter, and Kherrie smiles, nodding.

"I will." She says, but I grip her hand tightly, invoking surprise from her.

"I mean it. My lungs are full of blood, and this really fucking hurts." I say seriously, and Kherrie nods, setting me down and getting up. God, I feel so lazy right now. Still, I've got a good view of the fight, and Kragda-Maul has gotten up, and boy, if Kherrie was pissed, this guy was on the verge of an aneurysm: He was covered in blue flames, his head had sprouted two giant horns, his eyes were streaming red fire, and his arms had tuned into messes of spikes, blades, and claws. In short, the dude looked like the fucking Balrog on crack and recolored like a Sonic the hedgehog OC.

"Oh, damn..." I mutter as he gets up, spouting some gibberish in a language I didn't understand, but Kherrie sure understood it, and she responded appropriately:

"Oh yeah? Well, up yours, dad!!!" Kherrie screams, and she rushes the massive demon, who almost swatts her away, but recoils from a shot to the head from Xenia's rifle, and Kherrie leaps at him, gripps Maul's chest, and forces her hand into it, causing Maul to bellow in pain, before he grabbs Kherrie, and throws her to stargazer, who aptly dodges her, unwilling to get anyone else thrown at him.

"Khun Wa'ii! Lokiir nok zhu'taa!" Kragda-Maul roars, confusing me. I don't know what the hell he said, but it sounds threatening, so I'm pretty sure it was aimed at Kherrie.

"What..?" I mutter, but no one hears me, and Kherrie gets back up, and Xenia fires at Maul again, hitting his chest where Kherrie tore into him. This caused Kragda-Maul to roar again, more in anger than pain this time, though, and he opens his mouth, and a giant, red beam of energy blasts out like a spartan laser, sans the charge time. Xenia dodges, though, causing the beam to miss her by mere inches, and make a giant, superheated hole in the wall behind her. Then, Stargazer finally decides to man up, and he launches bolt after bolt of magic at Maul, causing minor recoil on the demon's part as the bolts impact him, as Xenia reloads, and takes another shot at Maul's chest. Then, Kherrie goes right back into action, trying to reach into his chest, but Kragda-Maul anticipates this move, and swings his arm down on Kherrie, pounding her into the floor, and leaving a massive crater. Still, Kherrie fights on, getting up, and moving backward as another fist slams into the floor, leaving another crater. Well, this is nice. I'm half-dead, and two girls and a scholar are fighting my fight for me. What happened to my power? I thought I was invincible!

"Maybe Kragda-Maul absorbed some of it somehow? He seems to have healed rather nicely for someone who, only mere seconds ago, got his ass handed to him by a 'mere mortal'." my inner voice notes, and I begin to wonder: Maybe he did take some power! But if so, why don't I feel smaller?

"That's with INHERENT power, dumbass. All YOUR power is technically stolen, so you had nothing to really lose." my inner voice reasons, and I feel bad about my loss, but this at least gives me some closure. Plus, I won't shrink if I get sapped! Bonus! Anyway, back to the fight, Kherrie and my other minions, despite their best efforts, simply cannot best Kragda-Maul, so I do something pretty fucking drastic: I try to heal myself.

"Alright... this is gonna hurt..." I mutter, switching my spells out, and as my hands glow with a golden, warm aura, I grasp my chest, forcing it to heal. Needless to say, it was the single most unpleasant experience of my entire life, as my nerves felt like pure agony while my ribs snapped back into place, and my lungs resealed themselves, and the blood was flushed from them. God, now I know how Celestia felt... if I survive this, I'll never make fun of her weight ever again. Granted, I'll still whoop her fat ass any day of the week, but there'll be no more fat jokes from me... after that one. Anyway, my moments of agony are done and over, and I've managed to get up and stand, feeling much better, now that my lungs aren't shredded by the shards of my broken ribs. To think, I would have died if I didn't do that... So now, I'm fighting fit, and fighting mad, and my minions need their leader. So, I get up,just as Kherrie flies past me, having been swatted away by Kragda-Maul.

"Uwaa da! Sekh noktu du'waa!!!!" Kragda-Maul roars, and I still have no clue what he's saying, but it's not aimed at me... yet. Finally, all eyes are on me, and I walk to the center of the stage, Hammier than ever.

"I have no idea what you just said, Maul..." I say, and I crack my knuckles, before continuing. "... But I'm going to make you eat those words." I finish, and Kragda-Maul looks shocked, as with the rest of my allies, but he soon regains his composure, and charges me, bellowing.

"You won't win this, Chris!!! I am Kragda-Maul, The Thing That Should Not Be!!! You are nothing!!! NOTHING!!!" Maul declares, rushing me, but I stand firm, ready to take this guy. My teammates roughed him up, but I was gonna finish him, and with a witty one-liner, no less.

"Your dark fires will not avail you!" I shout, raising my staff high over my head, prepared to do something so incredibly awesome, that anyone who survives this will tell their kids, and will become legend for many eons to come. Maul continues his warpath, though, and roars, forcing me to take action. "... YOU, SHALL NOT, PASS!!!" I shout, finishing my line. Then, I slam my staff to the floor, causing cracks to appear below me, as I absorb the power keeping the clouds afloat in that particular area, to make up for what I lost. Now, the floor below us was giving way, having nothing to sit on, and Kragda-Maul falls first, trying to grasp at the floor at my feet. He catches it, but he's still dangling from the ledge, completely at my mercy. So, I press my staff to his head, and send a wave of force through his body, tearing the demon apart, and exhausting me beyond recovery. I then fall to my knees as Maul's death cry echoes through the land, and Kherrie looks to me, as do the rest of my minions, as I teeter on the edge of the hole I made, about to fall through.

"Mal! No!" Kherrie cries, and my eyes flutter, only briefly, so I can look her in the eyes, and tell her the single most serious, and important thing I have ever told her, or anyone else I've ever met:

"Fly... you fools..." I say, and I pass out, smiling as a fall. Yeah, I just went there. God, I hope I don't splat on the ground, that would just... oh, right, unconscious. I'll just skip ahead...

I soon wake up on soft, earthen ground, my eyes refusing to open, and my body in a world of pain, like I was just pushed under a steam roller after losing a gang fight. Still, I'm alive, and that's all that matters. At least, I think it does. I get up, despite my pain, and look around, not sure where I am. I appear to be in some kind of dark, foreboding forest-like area, but it's not the Everfree: everything is grey and dead, and fog is everywhere. It looks like a graveyard here... but where are the graves? Hell, where's the YARD?

"Ohhh... where am I..?" I ask, gripping my... well... everything, in an attempt to make it all stop aching. How did I survive that fall? Where did I even land? Ugh, these questions aren't helping my head recover, that's for sure... "How... Did the wind take me here, by chance? It was pretty high up..." I mutter, and I then reason that that must be it. But the fall... Oh, never mind, lucky landing, I guess. Still, I have no idea where I am. I look up to try and find Cloudsdale, but I see nothing but empty sky. Some wind that must have been. Well, I am now lost, and I don't handle getting lost very well. I begin to go into a panic attack, when I hear some non-Kherrie-like giggling from behind a tree, and flip my shit.

"Who's there?! I have a staff, and I know how to use it!" I shout, and the giggling stops, and I calm down. I hate ghosts, and these sound like ghosts to me. Oh, what sick, Silent Hill-esque hell have I landed in this time? Whatever it is, I am NOT having fun. And, as if on cue, I hear the laughter again, taunting me, and really pissing me off, now.

"Oh, lookie! He's awake!" one voice exclaims.

"Ssh! You'll blow our cover!" another hisses, silencing the first voice.

"He already knows we're here... Let's stop tormenting him, and just let him face us, already." a third voice chimes, and all goes silent for a while. Finally, I hear hoofbeats, indicating ponies, but what would ponies be doing here? As if to answer that question, three earth pony-like creatures appear from behind separate trees, but something's... off. They look pale, with thin, graceful features, more so than normal ponies, though they seem rather young, and they have odd, cat-like eyes, each pair a different shade: One yellow, one green, and the third pair was purple. And finally, to top it all off, they wore even less than Xenia, which was saying something: Basically, a loincloth each, that was it. They were female, by the look of it, but that observation did nothing to solve my fears. In fact, it made them worse.

"I swear to Nicol mother-fucking Bolas, if you three are vampires..." I threaten, raising my staff.

"We can if you want us to be." The green-eyed one, and the oldest, by appearance, says sultrily, edging closer to me.

"We can be whatever we want, really." The purple-eyed one, clearly the youngest of the three, says, shrugging, a bored expression on her face. Okay, I'm done with this.

"So, what, are you three changelings?" I ask, and the three odd, pony-like creatures pause, looking surprised. Then, they turn to look at each other, and, finally, they break out into laughter, tears falling from their yes as they did. Clearly, that was some kind of joke to them. Joy, I discovered super-changelings. What luck.

"Oh, no, we are not changelings! In fact, changelings WISH they were us!" The yellow-eyed one says, her voice high and playful, like a child.

"Then... what are you?" I ask, afraid they might be something horrible.

"We... are pooka!" The green-eyed leader exclaims, and the three strike a dramatic pose, which would have been funny, if I wasn't so sure I was about to die right there. The fuck was a 'pooka', anyway?!

"Uh... pooka?" I ask, not sure what that was, or why it didn't sound very threatening, for such threatening creatures.

"Yes, pooka. We are the denizens of this place, and can become whatever we please. And, so you don't get the wrong idea, we serve only one ruler: Virgil Wrathborne." The youngest, purple-eyed one says, rather boredly, and the others nod in agreement. Quite an odd crowd...

"Okay... Look, I don't want any trouble, with you or this 'Virgil' dude, so if you can not surround me and let me get the bloody fuck out of here?" I ask pleadingly, and the green-eyed and the yellow-eyed pooka... pookas? Pooki? Anyway, they burst into a giggling fit, and even the bored, purple-eyed one cracks a disturbing smile, one full of sharp fangs and malice.

"Oh, silly wizard... we don't seek quarrel with you... in fact, quite the opposite!" yellow-eyes says, and green-eyes suddenly appears beside me, leaning on my shoulder. Good god, I just noticed she's a head taller than me. Anyway, she takes over:

"As it turns out, our leader, and our nation, has needed help for a while now, and you, sir, are just the help we need!" She says, smiling broadly.

"Yeah... What kind of nation IS this, exactly?" I ask, quite nervously. It'd better not be undead... or the fire nation.

"Oh, just the nation of the unwanted, including Bat-ponies, us pooka, and even the undead. Heck, our leader is a necromancer! A living lich, so to speak." green-eyes says, and I facepalm. I fucking knew it!

"Joy... Well, I'd love to help you... three... but I have my own incursion to run, so if you'll excuse me..." I say, walking away from the three nightmarish creatures, but the purple-eyed one blocks my path, staring me down (despite being much shorter than me) with her cold, blank expression, and I stop dead.

"Well, can't you at least try? I assure you, it will not take long to help!" The leader says, and the youngest one nods, still eyeing me unnervingly.

"Why MY help? Do you even know who I am?" I ask, and the leader chuckles playfully, grabbing my shoulder.

"Why, of course! You're Malideus, correct? The bane of the princesses?" she asks. Well, they DO know who I am. Huh.

"Y-yes... But that doesn't mean I'm open for hire!" I say, edging away from the green-eyed leader.

"Oh, please, Mr. Malideus, sir?" the childish, yellow-eyed one pleads, putting her face close to mine, and expertly activating her 'puppy eyes'. Oh, lord, this again... between that and that unnerving youngest one...

"Fine. But only because I'm a nice evil wizard!" I exclaim, and the yellow-eyed one hugs me playfully, cheering.

"Yay! Our hero!" She says, and the other two smile, and tell her to let go, after they see me tense up in an extreme way. Why wouldn't I? They were bloody, well, things!

"Okay, Mr. 'Nice wizard'. Follow us... and try not to wander off, we won't be held responsible if anything mistakes you for food or an intruder." the leader of the three says, and I reluctantly go with them, too terrified to act against them. But if this turns out to be a trap, I'm gonna get over it real quick.

"You three better not even TRY to trick me... or else." I threaten, raising my staff in a gesture of warning. However, none of them seem scared, and just keep walking, oblivious to my fear and threatening posture.

"Oh, don't worry, sir, there'll be no need for violence here. Oh, but it's so rude of us to just drag you off without introducing ourselves!" the leader says, stopping, and the other two follow suit. God, dammit. "My name is Whinn, and it's an honor to meet you." The leader says. Then, the yellow-eyed one steps up:

"I'm Dinn! Pleased to meet you, oh brave sir Malideus!" the pooka says, bowing dramatically. Finally, the youngest-looking one coughs, drawing my attention, but retains her flat, bored look as she introduces herself:

"... I'm Kinua." She says flatly, glancing to the side for some reason, as if the name embarrassed her, though nothing showed on her face. I don't like this one... At all. At least her name doesn't rhyme with the other two's...

"Okay... cool..." I say, wanting to get this done with as soon as possible. The less time I spend in this creepy-ass place, the better.

"Yes, and now that we've introduced ourselves, let us be off! Lord Virgil will be most pleased to know of your arrival!" Whinn says, grabbing my arm, a gesture I am too unnerved to react to. Still, they want haste, and so do I, so I go with them, seeing no other way.

Oh, lord Nicol Bolas, please don't let this be a trap!

Author's Note

It's probably a trap.

Anyway, sorry about the incident, it won't happen again! And for your patience, I've decided to tell you something!

Malideus is going to have his very own arch-rival soon, so prepare your respective anuses!

Until next time, you bloody heathens.

Ch.21: Hate the master, not the servant.

Meanwhile, from Kherrie's perspective, the ruins of Cloudsdale...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's gone... I can't believe it...

Malideus is actually gone.

I don't believe it. I blink a few times, but he doesn't reappear, despite my tenacity. Malideus... is gone. I collapse to my knees, on the verge of tears.

"He's... gone..." I mutter, not fully accepting the fact. I know Xenia and Stargazer are behind me, and I know they want to comfort me, but they can't.

No one can.

I don't notice as Stargazer walks up to me, seeing as I'm focused a bit elsewhere at the moment, but he does, and he doesn't seem any happier than me about this.

"Kherrie, we need to return to the base. We can mourn later, but we need to move, before Celestia finds out we're here and destroys us!" Stargazer says, reaching for my shoulder, but I shift away, and get up, moving for the hole where Mal fell.

"We can still save him... We have to!" I say, walking forward, but Stargazer walks up and stops me, turning me around to face him.

"Kherrie, listen to yourself! Malideus is gone, and there's no way we can find him right now! If we're going to find what's left of him, we need a wider search force! I know you want to save him, but we can't right now!" Stargazer says, and I almost destroy him out of sheer anger, but Xenia chimes in, interrupting me:

"He's right, Kherrie. We can alert the devils, and we can get help, but we can't do that here. C'mon... let's go tell Mizzietta." Xenia says, and I reluctantly nod, tears filling my eyes, and I turn to look where Malideus once stood, sorrow and anger filling my chest. Why did he have to do that? We could've taken Maul, and he could have stayed out, been safe, while we did all his work... But he got up anyway, fought Kragda-Maul on his own damned accord... And for what?! What did he have to gain from that?! Why did Malideus have to sacrifice himself for a sorry excuse of a deity like me? Worse yet... why didn't I save him? I could have done that... but I hesitated. Now... he's gone.

I can't stand it... but I eventually let it go, and turn, albeit reluctantly, to follow the other two, as we make our way back to the cave from cloudsdale, and this time, not even the smell of glorious decay from all our kills can cheer me up as we leave the crumbling factory to its fate, and as we begin our descent to the forest. Along the way toward Mizzy's cave, thoughts boil over in my mind, all about what happened. Maul was dead, or, at least, stalled for a few thousand years, and that alone was a great burden lifted from me. Now, I had no restrictions as to what I could do... but at what cost? Mal sacrificed himself to ensure my continuation... no one ever did that for me... no one but my precious, loving plants... Why would Mal? Ugh, Mortals are so confusing, with their plots and emotions. You'd think that such short-lived beings would be more focused on their own well-being, but Malideus... he just kept surprising me, always putting others before him, despite his claims to his evil nature.

"I just don't get it..." I mutter as I stand outside Mizzy's cave, where the other two are explaing what happened to Mizzy. She said something about 'consulting uncle Bolas', but I don't know who that is. I try to rack my brain harder as to why Malideus was so different, and why I had these... feelings... for him, but I hear heavy, thunderous footsteps behind me, and I look behind me, to see... Hezafen? That's unexpected. Even more so, is what he says next:

"Goddess Kherrie, You seem... distressed. Please, elaborate what troubles you." Hezafen says, his voice deep and mechanical, and I can't help but feel better at his awkward attempt to help me. I mean, come on, a golem, with emotions? That's just unheard of.

"Oh, hey, Hezafen. What are you doing out here? Aren't you going to talk with Mizzy's uncle with everyone else?" I ask, raising a brow at him accusingly.

"Previous query avoided. Repeat: Please, elaborate what troubles you." Hezafen says, and I sigh, seeing no way around his determination to help me. I guess, in the end, a robot is a robot, no matter how it acts, or what it does. Still, it feels nice that someone would at least try to care, so I talk to the mirror golem.

"It's nothing, Hezafen... Just confused, that's all." I say, looking forward again, and sighing. Hezafen cocks his head to the side, in a gesture of curiosity, and then presses on:

"Would this be because of Master Malideus?" Hezafen asks, and I sigh harder, knowing he would draw that conclusion, and I answer him, still facing forward:

"Yeah. It's Malideus." I say solemnly. Hezafen then seems to activate something in his head, and he looks right at me, his bright, blue, light-like eyes seeming to pierce me, which I don't like. I got enough mind-reading from my dad, thank you, I don't need it from a walking pile of hyper-reflective hard glass. Finally, Hezafen speaks:

"Your frustration seems to derive from your inability to understand mortal-organic psychological machinations. In this light, I now understand you emotions, and now shall advise accordingly." Hezafen says, and, honestly, I don't catch a word of that... gibberish. Something about metal origami psuedo-lithical manifestations, and acting accordions, I guess?

"Uh, could I have a Hezafen-to-Kherrie translation?" I ask, and Hezafen makes a groaning noise as his eye-lights dim, which I guess is his way of sighing. Then, he starts talking again:

" You are upset as a result of you being unable to understand mortals. Now that I understand this, I will give you, as you say, some advice on how to 'deal with it', as it were." Hezafen says, with a hint of frustration in his voice. I don't think he likes speaking normally.

"Oh." I say, understanding now, and feeling kind of dumb for not knowing that in the first place.

"Yes. It seems that, despite your failings, You maintain hope that he yet lives. That is good: You are right to believe in his survival, and it would only seem logical that he has, indeed, survived. Malideus has survived far worse, from what I have gathered, and therefor a complex, but fulfilling, equation comes to light: With no proof of his death or survival, and no way to observe his being at present time, there are equal chances that he has either perished or survived. A simple philosophy, like putting a cat in a box with poison within for three days: It may be dead, but there is a just-as-great chance that it lives, as long as it remains unobserved." once again, he's lost me with his damned big words.

"Umm... normal-speak, please?" I ask, and Hezafen groans again, and repeats himself:

"Because we cannot observe him, we do not officially know if he's dead or alive. So, due to simple mathematics and probability count, I can safely say that there is just a great chance that he lives as that he dies. In short, he has a 50% chance of having survived the fall... wherever he is." Hezafen says, narrowing it down for me.

"So... what you're saying is that I shouldn't worry?" I ask.

"Yes. I believe that, given Malideus's track record, I believe he has very good odds toward his continued existence: Estimated: 56%." Hezafen says, in his usual deep, flat voice. Oddly enough, those odds make me a bit happier. Plus, he's right. We didn't see Malideus die, so there's still a chance he lives! This is great news, if I ever heard any.

"Oh... well... Thanks, Hezafen. That makes me feel a little better... I guess." I say, still confused as to the point he's trying to make. But, hey, if the all-knowing robot says I shouldn't worry, then I won't. I know Malideus survived... I can feel it. And if he is, Surely Nicol Bolas will know for sure. But now, all I can do is wait, until the verdict is called.

"It is no trouble. Like I said, 50% is still a large number. However, the only thing we can do to prove this is to wait for Nicol Bolas's answer. I assure you, though, he is most likely fine. Try to remember this." Hezafen says, lightening my mood greatly as he stomps away. Yeah, if the walking calculator says he has a good chance, surely Bolas can say the same. Still, 50% is a big number... especially the OTHER 50%. Now, even with math and junk, Mal's fate still has yet to be decided by one true god.

Oh, lord Bolas, please let Mal be safe...

... And, back to Malideus...

... Trees. Trees. More trees. What appears to be an owl. I list the things I see in my head as me and my unfortunate choice of company head deeper into the dead forest place, whatever this place is called, as I completely ignore their attempts of making small talk with me. Still, they infuriatingly continue this, sans Kinua, and It's really grating my patience into fine Parmesan cheese powder. Did I mention that I also hate cheese?

"So, where did you say you come from, again?" Whinn asks me, snapping me out of my mental tangent.

"I didn't." I growl, and then Dinn takes a turn:

"Can you tell us?"

"No." I say sourly, killing the potential conversation before it was born... like an abortion. Ew, what is wrong with me that I would think of that?! I think this forest is getting to me.

"Why not? Why so serious?" Dinn asks, making me clutch my head in an effort to keep it intact. Dammit, I thought I killed this conversation!

"I don't want to talk about it." I reply simply, feeling my blood pressure rise gradually. Please, for the love of god, stop talking!!! This place is driving me nuts!

"I don't know... I kind of like it. So dark and cozy." My inner voice says, sounding a bit darker than usual.

"Dude, are you okay? I thought you hated dangerous situations like this?" I mentally ask, stopping as I think.

"Of course I am... never been better. And this isn't dangerous. Not yet." My inner voice says ominously. Okay, I know this is weird. First off, my inner voice hates bad ideas, and this place is one giant, tangible bad idea. Two, my inner voice is whiny and disagrees with everything. What ever this mindfuckery was, I don't like it. But I have to be quiet: My inner voice has a nasty tendency to eavesdrop... if this was even him.

"Hey, Malideus, are you okay? You're just standing there and staring off." Whinn says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Uh? Yeah, fine. Please, let's just keep walking, it's getting dark, and I will NOT be here when night hits." I say, shaking my head. However, as we begin to walk, the area brightens slightly as we quickly enter a part of the trail where the trees thin out a little. I then see the cloudy sky, but the sky is not what catches my attention. The most beautiful scene I can imagine, however, now lays before me, causing me and the pooka to stop to look. What I see... it's so breathtaking, it almost makes me forget I'm surrounded by the undead, and I stop, if only briefly, to take it all in: The sky is a bright, gold color, and clouds lay low around the horizon. Behind them is the setting sun, which is lowering quite quickly, probably due to the princesses. Still, It's magnificent enough to praise, with it's golden beams peeking through cracks in the clouds, showering all with its light. A brilliant body, before which no shadow can hide, displayed so perfectly... why, it almost brings a tear to my eye. If only Solaire could see this...

"... Wow. That's just pretty..." I mutter, staring in disbelief at the scene in the sky. I soon break eye contact with it, though, to see if the pooka are seeing this. They have, and they're staring at the sun right now. However, there is no admiration in their eyes... only contempt. But who can blame them? The princesses control the glorious star, and such a display can only bring bad thoughts for these creatures of the darkness. Finally, as if straining to break the awkward silence that has fallen, Kinua speaks:

"...You call it pretty... Why praise such a foul thing?" She says simply, her face remaining bored-looking, but her voice conveying an aura of pure hatred. Still, I feel I have to answer, because... well, I guess I just like arguing. Plus, I have to make the reference. It would be unpatriotic not to.

"Well... Look at it! Such a wondrous body... like a magnificent father." I begin, staring at the scene the sun has made, and the three pooka turn and look at me like I'm on drugs.

"You would say that about the tool of the PRINCESSES!? What is wrong with you?!" Whinn asks, glaring at me confusedly. However, I do not turn to them, but continue to look at the radiant sun.

"Nothing, girl. The sun is no tool: just a king, run hollow. A radiant sun, controlled by the feeble hands of children not fit for its throne. Why would I hold contempt for something to be loved and admired, just because my enemy uses it as a clever deceit?" I rant, and I see the three's faces soften, as understanding sweeps across them. They may be creatures of the night, but even they can see why I say this. And, believe it or not, I'm not lying. I've always, surprisingly enough, been a day person. Yeah, weird, people think that all overlords should bring about eternal nigh, or blot out the sun, or something. But you know what? That just hurt me just as much as it would hurt the ponies. I love the sun. The sun, to me, is the greatest thing ever, and this sight, as it begins its forced retreat into the horizon, just makes me want to talk about it.

"The sun is no mere tool, Whinn... It is a beacon, a sign that the true lords have not left this world behind... If only I could be so grossly incandescent." I finish, and the three stare at me for a while, then back to the sun, which is pretty close to setting. Now, they no longer radiate contempt, though. Now, they look upon the sun in a new light, pun partially intended.

"... You really like the sun, don't you, Malideus?" Dinn asks, looking back to me.

"I suppose. It's as I always say: 'Hate the master, not the servant'. The sun is a glorious, pure thing. It just needs to be freed... and that's what I hope to do one day. I will defeat Celestia, and I will make all as it should be: No excessive rainbows, no over-populous little, furry woodland creatures, and no one smiles without earning it. Hear me now, and hear me well, pooka: the sun will rise on my empire, one day..." I pause, taking a quiet breath, and then I finish. " ...And it will not set until IT decides to." I finally growl, glaring as the sun finally descends behind the horizon, forced down by the hands of the bastard-princess, and shrouding the land in loathsome darkness. But, despite this, I still feel the sun's warmth, and I sigh, before walking forward. This break was nice, but I have a quest to complete. Necromancer or no, I just want to get out of this depressing place so I can fight Celestia, and make her eat dirt. It seems that the three pooka sense my eagerness to go, and they quickly move forward, guiding me through the forest once more.

I trudge through the murky forest, after the three pooka, but at least I'm in a better mood. Why? I don't know. But I don't feel like tearing Kinua a new asshole, so that's something. So, here I am, walking through the forest at night, which I hate, but I spent the remaining daylight on a stupid rant. God, sometimes, I feel like I'm in a generic fanfiction. I mean, it's got everything: Loser gets sent somewhere, gets powerful, and gets tons of chicks. Yes, I have less than the average hero, but that's because I'm a VILLAIN. I have to keep the lovin' to a minimum, lest I go soft. God knows I can't afford to go soft now.

"Gott mit uns..." I mutter, catching the attention of the three pooka, who turn to me out of (i assume) curiosity.

"What was that, Malideus?" Whinn asks. I don't like that question, and I REALLY don't like explaining shit to dumb bitches, but I see no harm in it, so, why not? I'll bite.

"It means 'God is with us' in... one of my world's languages." I say, holding back on the name of the language, lest I get sucked into another dumb conversation. However, unfortunately, this strikes up curiosity with Whinn and Dinn, and they soon barrage me with dumb questions about my world, which I'm forced to answer:

"You're from outer space?!" Dinn asks,and before I can answer her, Whinn starts up.

"So, what's it like on your world?" She asks.

"Do you have countries, too?" asks Dinn.

"Do you have a sun there?"

"How many moons does it have?"

"What do your people look like?"

"Do you all wear that attire?"

"Are you all evil?" The questions pile on, each empty-headed sister piling one more onto the other's before I can answer the first one. Finally, after enduring such agony, I have had enough, and I snap.

"ENOUGH!!!" I shout, shutting the two up. Then, I inhale, regain my composure, and, seeing nothing else to do, I answer their questions as simply as possible:

"Kind of, horrible, yes, yes, one, boring, and no." I answer quickly, trying to avoid any and all explanation to my... personal matters. However, the two seem even more confused by this, and try to ask more questions, but a stern look from Kinua convinces them otherwise, to my infinite relief. Then, she speaks, in that same, bored tone, like she just got over the loss of all the fucks she could have given.

"We're here." Kinua says flatly, and we all finally reach a massive clearing of sorts, where the sky is perfectly visible, and the moonlight is radiating, unhindered, toward the forest floor, onto a massive, ancient-looking oak.

"Hmm... Nice place." I say, looking around for any signs of the undead. Yes, I still remember, and I still don't want to meet any. But... I don't see any... just this tree.

"So... where's the 'living lich'? Where's Wrathborne?" I ask, looking around, trying to avoid the oak, lest it actually be a sylvan, or a whomping willow.

"He's in the tree." Kinua says flatly, still giving absolutely zero fucks, and the other two nod in agreement, looking at the oak expectantly.

"Oh..." I say. Well, I guess they weren't kidding about his condition; he really IS a vegetable.

"Yes. The princesses tried to kill him long ago, but they couldn't. So they cursed him into a deep slumber, and grew this oak around him, in order to stop him." Whinn explains, walking up to the tree, and placing a hand on it. Okay, I see where this is going.

"And let me guess; you want ME to free him, because none of you can burn it down by yourselves?" I ask sarcastically, and Whinn turns to me, a serious expression on her face.

"We can't burn it! Fire won't hurt it, ice won't kill it, and no weapon can pierce it. In short, we can't destroy it... but YOU can!" Whinn says happily, jabbing a finger into my chest, which I move away with extreme prejudice.

"Fine... just don't touch me again." I say, and I walk up to the tree, away from the three nuisances. It seems ordinary enough, just a common oak, giant and firm. Still, I feel an odd presence within, powerful, but not necessarily evil. A necromancer, huh? I doubt it, probably just another hero, likely to kill me after I free him... But if he's so good, why did the princesses curse him?... Hmm. Well, I guess I could at least see. After all: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"Alright, you three... you may want to stand back." I say, readying my bladed staff, as if about to swing it into the oak. The three look at me, however, with confused expressions.

"Why? Are you going to chop it?" Dinn asks innocently.

"We just said no weapon could harm it!" Whinn cries, holding her head. In response, I just bring my staff higher, and smile wickedly, not that they could see, but I'm pretty sure they felt its maliciousness, because they all stand back, unnerved looks upon their faces.

"Yeah, you did... but magic isn't a weapon." I growl, pointing my staff at the tree in question. Oh, yes, it's been too long since I've destroyed something helpless. This... was gonna be fun...

Author's Note

Sorry this sucky chapter took so long. Next one will be better, I evil promise.

Later, heathens.

Ch.22: What is this, Dark Souls?!

I watched the remains of the oak burn as I stood there, physically exhausted, but feeling great, mentally. Ah, damn, It's been too long since I'd destroyed anything defenseless, and this was just what I needed to vent some steam.

"Ah... that felt gooooood..." I sigh, relaxing my shoulders and breathing a heavy sigh of relief, and the pooka are just standing there, eyes wide in horror at what I did. Hell, even 'she-who-gives-no-fucks', Kinua, is looking at me like I tore a manticore in half with my bare hands... but, in reality, I just blew up a tree with extreme prejudice. Still, it was pretty cool, and I feel better for it.

"You... How did you do that?..?" Whinn asks, getting closer to the exploded stump of the tree I just killed.

"I zapped it. What do you think?" I ask, and Whinn and Dinn just stare at me, mortified. Really, they act like they've never seen a guy overload a magical entity before. Pfft, filthy casuals.

"Well... that's one way to do it..." Whinn says, staring at the tree's mortal remains. Hmm... there's a lot of oddly dark smoke coming from it... Ah, never mind. Now, to escape this depressing-as-fuck woodland!

"Well... I guess, since it's destroyed, I'm gonna take off... now?" I trail off, as the ground below me begins to shake, and the stump explodes from the ground, showering dirt and wood chips everywhere. As soon as the hail of debris ends, I see the ground where the tree once was well up, and heave everywhere, like a volcano was erupting, and, finally, a dark, gloved hand rose from the dirt, and another, and they both grabbed the overturned earth, and Whinn and Dinn practically jumped for joy as the arms pulled at the dirt, and a dark, shadowy, cloaked body arose from the ground, and it stood, the figure's robes blowing in the slight breeze. God, He really WAS a necromancer, wasn't he? However, he had no armor, just a robe, and a hood that shadowed his face. What was this guy, Casual?

"Ehhhn... That was quite a nap... Ah, Whinn! Dinn! My favorite assistants!... Oh, hello Kinua." The figure said, his voice raspy, but not ancient, like I thought it'd be. Still, he gave off some freakish Silent Hill vibes, and I was not okay with it. On a high note, though, he seems to like Kinua as much as I do, which is to say, not in the slightest. Kinua, though, despite this, still seems to give no fucks.

"Virgil! Oh, yay! You're free!" Whinn and Dinn cry in unison, and Kinua just 'hmph's, looking away. Kay, more issues... lovely.

"Yes... I'm back... and I assume this interesting character had something to do with it." Virgil says slowly, glaring curiously at me. I, for one, want no recognition for this, I just want to get the fuck out of this dark wood. So, I hit him with my dry wit:

"Yeah, now can I go home?" I ask, slightly shaking, and Kinua rolls her eyes at me, sighing. Oh, fuck off, runt.

"In time. First, though, tell me... who are you? I at least want to remember the name of who I owe for this great assistance." Virgil says, tilting his head. God, his voice creeps me out... like whispering death. Still, he doesn't seem evil... just really fuckin' pissed at someone. Oh, I just got it! 'Wrathborne', 'cuz he's angry! Oh, that's funny! Okay, now back to the story.

"I... Am Malideus, Scourge eternal!" I say loudly, flicking my cape for dramatic effect. However, no one seems awed by this, so quickly cough, and continue, hoping to make a better impression this time.

"Ahem, yes, I'm Malideus, and your... friends... said that they won't let me go until I helped you. So... you're free! Congrats!" I say, and Wrathborne's green, glowing eyes seem to lose their anger, and he chuckles softly.

"Yeah, They'll do that. My apologies, pooka can be quite... tricky to handle. But, thanks to those fetid princesses, they're quite rare. But now that I'm back, thank mostly due to you, O scourge eternal, I can get them back for what they did to me. If there's anything you need in the future, Malideus, be it supplies or forces, please tell me." Virgil says, and two of the three pooka sisters nod in agreement, bowing to me all Japanese-style. Ugh, I appreciate the gesture, but god damn, do it some other way, please.

"Yeah, thanks. I appreciate the offer, but... how do I get out of here?" I ask, causing Virgil to look at me disappointedly.

"It's a damn forest, man. Just go straight." He says, and honestly, I love this guy already for that one bit of advice.

"Oh... yes, of course." I say, embarrassed, before turning around. But as I do, like every time I have something important to do, something goes horribly, horribly wrong. The ground then starts to rumble without warning, startling me and the pooka, and all of us lose our balance as the ground proceeds to shake, and even Virgil seems shocked as the earth heaves and upturns, in a massive display of raw power unseen by my eyes in a long time. In fact, I honestly don't remember the last time I saw the ground do this. Nonetheless, I was having none of it.

"Virgil, would you kindly tell me what the ever-loving fuck is going on!?" I say, using my staff to keep my balance as the planet continued to throw a hissy fit.

"How the hell should I know? I was a vegetable until now!" Virgil says, and my question is answered as a horrible, ear-splitting roar, and a big, spiky arm grabbing at the ground, and hoisting itself up, causing me and my current company to stare in horror at what was coming out: Basically, a giant, bony demon, with six red eyes on what looks like a bull's skull, and many, many spikes all over its arms. Good god, it looks like something out of dark souls! Solaire, save me!!!

"Well... looks like the princesses were a bit paranoid back in the day..." I say, watching as a monstrous demon rose from the ground, up until only its lower half remained below the ground, its six eyes locked onto me, then Virgil, then back to me, and they stayed there as it selected me as its target. What the hell, why is everything going after me?!

"Look out!" Whinn cries, pointing at the demon as it brings its weapon, a massive, evil mace, down on us, and I did the most logical thing I could do in such a stressful situation: I jumped out of the way, leaving the others to their fates. What? I'm not gonna waste my time on a bunch of losers I don't even know. Besides, Virgil can handle himself. Indeed, he has already gotten him and his three friends out of harm's way. Oh, now the demon is getting back up again.

"Virgil, what the fuck is that!?" I ask, completely terrified. Why wouldn't I be? This thing was bigger than Khorne, and that guy was fucking huge!

"Some kind of monster, what do you THINK it is?! Listen, I know you've done a lot already, but could you PLEASE help me kill it before it wrecks my home?" Virgil says, whipping his staff around, and I find myself oddly inclined to help him. Whoever he was, he must have been a damn good leader, and a damn good talker. So, along with the Pooka, I nod, then I go up, and I point my staff at the fucker, willing a giant ball of fiery death to materialize at its tip, and as it appears, I unleash it at the behemoth, which flinches as the bolt hits it, and turns its ire at me, swatting Virgil and his lackeys away like chaff, and bringing its mace into the air, in preparation to squash me. As the demon lowers the mace, though, I raise my staff, and cast a teleportation spell, and end up just outside the blast radius of the mace's impact. God damn, that was close. And with no bonfires nearby... I shudder to think if that had hit me. However, to snap me out of my thoughts and shuddering, the massive demon raises its mace again, staring at me with all six of its red, fiery eyes, and Virgil runs up, panting.

"Ugh... of all the times for a fail-safe to activate, it had to be RIGHT AFTER I woke up..?" Virgil says, and I see the pooka run up, and transform into a manticore, a dragon, and some kind of wurm, and attack the demon, who tries its best to ward them off, but with limited success... at first. It's quickly gaining the upper hand, though, and I feel my window of action closing, and fast.

"Yeah... I don't like this guy either, but I have no idea on how to beat him..." I say, seeing no weak spot on the massive dark souls-esque demon as it turns to us, having knocked the pooka down. Christ, I never thought I'd go out this way. Sure, it's badass and flattering, but it's not what I'd thought: I always thought Celestia would finally do me in, not some giant, boneheaded demon.

"Well... guess we'd better start hacking at him, eh?" I say, gripping my staff tightly, and Virgil looks to me confusedly, but nods, nonetheless, seeing no other way.

"Right... Let's end this fucker." Virgil says, and we're off, narrowly dodging the demon's mace as it brings it down on us. God, this is going to be a long night...

Meanwhile, Kherrie's perspective... again.

So, here we are in the cave, and Mizzy is now talking to her uncle... And by Ragnek, this guy is terrifying, maybe even more so than Ragnek himself. He's freaking ginormous, at least thirty feet tall, with gold skin, giant horns, and drapes over his shoulders, and his aura alone... Jeez, no wonder Mal was scared of him! This guy puts Kragda-Maul's ultimate form to shame! Finally, after I finish sizing him up, he nods, as Mizzietta finishes explaining the details of our unfortunate situation to him.

"...So, that's the deal, so I hear. So, can you tell us how he is?" Mizzietta asks, and Nicol Bolas rubs his head thoughtfully, his eyes closed in heavy thought, as he groans under his extreme mental pressure. Finally, after a good four minutes, he opens his eyes, and focuses on Mizzy, before speaking:

"Ehn... yes, he is alive... but I can barely trace him... he's being overpowered by some...thing. I suppose it's some kind of demon, but there's someone else there, too..." Bolas says, stroking his chin-horn-thing thoughtfully. Mizzy then perks up, along with me, but I beat her to the question, unsurprisingly:

"Where is he?!" I ask excitedly, and Nicol Bolas turns to me, an inquisitive expression on his face. It's not malevolent in any way, but it's aura alone makes me cringe under his scrutiny.

"Hmm... I can pinpoint him... but I doubt I can direct you to him, much less let you try to defeat what is currently assailing him, even you, Kherrie." Bolas says, getting up, and he stretches his wings, loosing a loud, roaring yawn, as he advances to the cave's outside.

"So, what do we do?" Mizzietta asks, and Bolas chuckles slightly, and finally exits the cave, before replying:

"Why, dear niece, we're going to find your questionable boyfriend." He says, flexing his wings. Ah, I think he's going to lead us to Mal! Isn't that nice?

"He's just my mate, uncle..." Mizzy says, looking awkwardly to the side.

"Same thing. Now, let us be off, before whatever's trying to kill the poor boy succeeds." Nicol says lazily, before he rises into the air, all flying minions in tow, and I quickly grab hold of Mizzy, afraid to even consider touching her godlike uncle. Soon, all of us that can fly, and me, are off, and those who cannot stay back to guard the cave. Fair enough, I suppose: I doubt anyone would get past Crush, much less Hezafen. I'd love to see them try, though.

So, we ride, and in such an odd direction... how the heck did Mal land so far away from his own city? It's weird. Still, the world works in odd ways, and I guess it blew Mal here, into... some creepy forest? Okay, world, there's a fine line between mysterious and outlandish. How did he get blown so far away, so many miles from home? Dammit, Maul... I know you have something to do with this. Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by a loud, planet-shaking roar, and I hear Bolas shout out, as he points toward the center of the massive, depressing forest, where a column of dust, and several more horrible roars, are coming from:

"There! That's where he is! Brace yourselves, people... Whatever Malideus is fighting, it's big." Nicol Bolas says, before we begin our descent to the center of the dreary, foreboding forest, where I catch my first glimpse of the single most terrifying thing I'd ever seen before...and Malideus, along with some other guy, was running right for it, head-on.

And, back to Malideus...

I only get so close to the massive demon as I run toward it, before it swats me and Virgil aside, and punches us both into the ground... for the fifth time. God, I need to work on my timing, I'm getting rusty. Suddenly, the demon roars again, triumphantly, and locks its gaze onto me and Virgil, and it raises its giant mace high into the air, prepared to end us both in one fell swing. Before he does, though, I turn to Virgil, and voice my thoughts:

"Ugh... Well, that's it... we're dead." I say, straining to talk, my stamina depleted. Virgil then looks to me, and chuckles.

"Well... even this giant fucklord can't kill me... but I don't think I'm getting up for a while, after this..." He says, and I groan in annoyance, knowing he's gonna live, but I'm not.

"Great. You get to go on, but I'm gonna die here. Just great." I mutter, and Virgil, puts a hand on my shoulder, gripping it.

"Don't worry... I've got a plan. Just stay down, and I'll draw this thing's attention. Then, you run that way, and get some help..." Virgil says, but is cut off by a massive roar, even bigger, and far more terrifying, than the demon's. In fact, the demon has now turned away from us, to see what was making the roar... and just got rewarded by a massive blast of golden fire to the face. Then, as the thing recoils, I take the opportunity to get up, and I lower my hand to Virgil, who takes it, and I help him up. Finally, we turn as another roar sounds, and the demon swings his massive, deadly weapon at... a giant, golden dragon, even bigger than it. Wait... those horns... good god... Is that Nicol Bolas?!

"What the fuck..?" I ask tiredly, gazing as the demon misses Bolas by mere inches, and the dragon responds with another blast of golden fire, causing the demon to flinch before its heat, and it finally falls, dead, after sustaining a barrage of golden flames from Nicol Bolas himself. Of all the people to save me... I actually expected him to be the last on the list. So, you can imagine the surprise on my face as I gaze to the sky, watching him and his niece descend to where the demon fell.

"...Nevermind." Virgil says, and I barely have the situational awareness to respond:

"... Yeah..." I say, still staring. Before I can say anything else, Mizzy sees me, and runs up to me, tackling me without changing sizes. Believe me, the demon's fist hurt less than this: at least IT was pulling its punches.

"Oogh... Good... to see you, too... Mizzy..." I wheeze, and Mizzy gets up, scolding me about doing my job ever again, and about how they were worried, and that if I ever leave on such ominous last words again, she wasn't going to bother finding me again. Honestly, I didn't hear a word of her rant, but I forced to pretend like I cared, on account that NICOL MOTHER-FUCKING BOLAS was here. Seriously, were they all that worried about me?! Well, I did fall from a cloud... But still, this is a bit excessive, isn't it?!... Not that I'm complaining: The demon DID almost kick my ass. However, that also meant no bad-mouthing Mizzy... as much as she deserved it.

"... Now, that's done, let's get you back. Kelias said he had some kind of present for you." Mizzy says, and I perk up immediately, knowing just what the 'present' he was talking about was. Plus, the sooner I got out of here, the better. But, not before an excessive goodbye, to assure that I was never coming back here.

"Well, I am off, Virgil. You take care now! I'm not coming back." I say, waving, and Virgil just laughs, waving back.

"I wouldn't have it any other way. Frankly, you're far too harsh with my assistants. But worry not, we will keep in touch." Virgil says, and I grin and nod outwardly, but, inwardly, I sincerely hope he's joking. So, we're off, back to Mizzy's lair, and we arrive, thank Bolas for his help, and go to bed. I, for one, CRAVE sleep, and I fall to it like a sack of rocks.

God, tomorrow is gonna hurt like a BITCH.

Author's Note

Sorry for another short chapter, but here it is. And, pretty soon, Malideus's newest rival will be revealed!

Prepare your respective anuses, heathens!

Ch.23: H.O.U.N.D.s of war

Celestia... ugh.

I tapped my hoof impatiently, as the guards told me the latest going-ons of the world. As of now, no news was good: The griffons had defected to Malideus's side of things, an evil city belonging to Malideus was erected on Ponyville's ruins, and Cloudsdale had fallen to his wickedness, the cloud city ravaged by an unstoppable supernatural disaster that the guards are now calling a 'soulnado', the weather factory destroyed, and bodies everywhere, all marking his passage. But how? How could he have found the city so quickly? He displayed no interest in Cloudsdale, if he even KNEW about it, prior... What could the pegusi have done to draw his ire? Even more so, how did he slip by the wards that were placed around the city? They should have destroyed him!

I want to know how this disaster could have happened, but further news reached me in the form of a young guard, interrupting my train of thought.

"Princess Celestia! We have new reports!" The guard exclaimed, trembling like a leaf, leading me to believe that whatever the reports were, they weren't good. What could be worse than what he's done now, Some kind of walking superweapon?

"What is it?" I ask Impatiently, turning to face the young guard, as he snaps a shaky salute.

"There's... Something's appeared in the courtyard! We don't know what he is, but we have him surrounded! He hasn't made any hostile moves, but we're bringing him here for you to evaluate yourself..." The guard says, and I perk up, stunned that something ELSE has turned up. Hoping it wasn't the same as Malideus, I consult the guard:

"Where is... Wait, he? Did you call the new... thing... a 'he'?" I ask, surprised.

"Well... That's how the creature preferred to be identified... He also claims to have no intentions of harming us." The guard says, and I relax a little: The last thing I need right now is another Malideus running around. However... how do I know I can believe it, er, him?

"Where is he now?" I ask, and the young guard beckons me to follow him, so we walk down the stairs from my room, to the main lobby, where the new creature was being held. As soon as I see the lobby, I see him: A giant mass of golden armor, with a full helmet with a crest similar to my own guards atop his head.He seems to be talking to the guards, and they... they're smiling, laughing! He laughs along with them, and it's painfully obvious that he is no threat, despite his massive size, and the great battle-axe that's slung over his shoulder. In a short summary, he's like Malideus, except... well, he's not! This being appears to be Malideus's exact counterpart, from his attire to his personality. Seeing no threat in this massive creature, I approach him slowly, and he takes immediate notice of me, looking at me with an aura of awe and curiosity about him, despite the fact that his face is hidden.

The guards, noticing my approach, quickly step to the side, and, before I can introduce myself, the awed warrior kneels, lowering his head, and speaks in a deep, metallic, but oddly hollow voice, quite different from Malideus' own harsh, commanding voice, shocking me:

"Princess Celestia... This is such an honor! I... I can hardly believe I'm here, before the princess herself..." The creature says, and I must have looked surprised, because the armored figure quickly looks to the side, obviously embarrassed. I, though, pay no mind. This being is most certainly not Malideus, or any being he could conjure, But I still don't know if I can trust him. After all, he only just appeared outside, and he bears many remarkable similarities to the wizard, so I try to talk to him, to glean what I can of this newcomer's intentions.

"Please, calm yourself, sir. Yes, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria. Now... may I ask who you are? I assume the guards have told you everything already..." I begin, calming him, but the newcomer shoots up to his full height, almost as tall as me, not including his crest, and shakes his hands, stopping me mid-sentence, to my surprise.

"No, nonono, see, I've known about you for a while now! See, I'm kind of a bit of a fan of you guys... so... I kinda know a lot." The armored giant says, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "As for my name... Well, it's Nathan, and it's, obviously, a great pleasure to actually meet you, even if... you know, you're not quite how I thought you'd look... Oh, I'm just giddy!" Nathan says, bouncing inside his armor, and this shocks me quite a bit, but if he's on the same level as us, then I'll take that advantage in a heartbeat.

"I see. Then you know of our... situation?" I ask, and Nathan cocks his head to the side in a gesture of confusion.

"'Situation'? What, is it a monster attack? A magical emergency of some kind? Is all of Equestria in danger?" Nathan asks, causing me to internally sigh, but still, he's not that far off. There was certainly a monster involved, after all...

"Close." I say, getting Nathan's attention, and I proceed to explain: "Nathan, we are currently in very real danger of total conquest, by a creature very similar to you. His name... Is Malideus. He appeared much like you not even a year ago, and declared war on us, using powerful magic he stole from our artifacts, including the crystal heart, the Alicorn amulet, and... the Tree of Harmony. Now, he controls an army of devils large enough to wipe out all of ponykind, and then some, and recent reports say that he has taken Cloudsdale, and is manufacturing some kind of superweapon to finally wipe us from existence." I explain, and Nathan seems to be struck by some unseen realization, but he quickly shrugs it off, bowing his head again, and responds.

"I see... and nothing you can do will work on him?" Nathan asks, and I shake my head sadly, and the guards around us begin to receive darker expressions, knowing why we can't beat him.

"No, Nathan. Malideus is far too crafty for our attempts to subdue him, or try to make him see reason. Every time we capture him, some unseen consequence of his prior actions returns to free him from our prisons, and he even found a trick to reflect my light-based magic. He is too tricky to get a lock on, and far too dangerous and violent to let live. But, we can't do anything, since he's attuned himself to adapt to our every contingencies and strategies, so we are forced to sit behind wards while he destroys everything we have worked so hard to achieve." I explain sadly, and Nathan nods slowly, and he suddenly grabs my hand, and speaks:

"Then I will face this monster! You have my word, O great princess of the sun, that I will find Malideus, and I will stop him, no matter how many monsters he may send to face me! I promise this, Celestia, on my word, and my honor as a dignified human being; Malideus will fall!" Nathan says, raising his clenched fists to the sky, but taking care not to crush my hand, which he releases soon after. Still, he just called himself a 'human being', and I begin to wonder... didn't Malideus call himself the same thing?

"Nathan... You said you were 'human', correct?" I ask, curious.

"Indeed, Milady. Why? Is there something important I need to know concerning my race? Are there more of my kind here?" Nathan asks, with wild curiosity, and I consider telling him about Malideus being called a 'human' as well, but I think better of it.

"... No. It's nothing." I say, after a moment of pause, which felt like an eternity. I don't want to lie to our only hope of continued survival, but if he found out that Malideus was human, like him, it could prevent him from carrying out his promise, or give Malideus an opportunity to kill him, further dooming us as a race. I cannot risk that... even if I must go against everything I stand for to achieve that end. Suddenly, my thoughts are cut short by Nathan, who seems to be looking around for someone.

"Say, speaking of a lack of others, Where is Luna? I surely expected her to be here!" Nathan says. Oh, I hate exploiting the misfortune of others, especially my dear sister, but Nathan must be told, in order to completely cement his resolve.

"Luna is... unconscious, as of now..." I say, feeling my heart wrench as I remember the terrible fight with Malideus, and how, even three days afterward, she remains unable to wake up, lying helplessly in her bed. "Malideus, he struck her down... and now, even though the fight was days ago, she remains comatose, and none of our magic can awaken her." I say, and I see Nathan's shoulders slump as the weight of the situation hits him, and I myself feel on the verge of tears, dragging this innocent creature into a fight he should have never been a part of. Finally, after a moment of silence, Nathan stands tall again, and I see his burning green eyes in the darkness behind his helmet's slit visor, longing for justice.

"All the better reason to slay Malideus, then." He says coldly. "I wish I could have been there to stop it... I'm sorry for your loss." He says, but I smile painfully, shaking my head.

"No... you are a good being, but there was nothing you could have done, even if you HAD been there. Ponyville was in ruins, and Luna was being brash... and now she's going to... pay for it." I say, choking up. I hate being so emotional before my subjects, but I can't help it: My country is falling apart around me, my sister is likely on her deathbed, and this one brave hero is the only one offering to go against the terrible sorcerer. I have every right to be emotional... as much as I despise admitting it. However, my tears are cut short as Nathan grabs me, pulling me close, in a tight, but friendly embrace. I am surprised... but I do not fight. His gesture of friendship moves me more than words can describe, so, I only utter two, as I return the embrace:

"Thank you." I whisper, and I can feel the human smile beneath his helmet as he continues his embrace, and finally releases me.

"Worry not, Celestia; Soon, the overlord-to-be will lie dead, and I will see to it that your sister is returned to us!" Nathan says, his voice deep and full of comfort, and his green eyes visible in the darkness, filling me with hope. If anyone can best the evil wizard, it has to be Nathan. However, before I can continue my lament, a pegasus guard bursts through the doors, visibly terrified out of her wits, and she addresses me:

"Celestia! Celestia! News! Our scouts have reported a large, walking machine exiting the foundry at the center of Malideus' city! It's currently headed southwest as we speak, and none of our interception squads we sent after it are reporting back! Ma'am, we believe that this may be Malideus' superweapon! What do we do!?" The panicking guard asks, and Nathan shuffles a bit, looking ready to tackle this thing head-on, and I almost let him, but I have to refrain: If this truly is Malideus' greatest weapon, Nathan will stand no chance against it. However, it is just a metal box, and I can easily crush it. Finally, I make my decision:

"Send all our finest soldiers to meet the weapon, and equip them with our finest arms. I will meet up to combat it shortly. Where did you say the superweapon was headed?" I ask, ignoring the pleading look from Nathan to the best of my ability.

"Uhh... South, Ma'am. When should I send the soldiers?" The guard asks, and I reply:

"Now. Send everyone you can equip with our best armor and weapons, and stall that abomination for as long as you can! I will be there to land the finishing blow." I command, but Nathan finally loses his patience, and snaps at me:

"Celestia, let me go with you! I said I would beat Malideus, and this is the perfect test to prove my mettle! Let me do this with you!" Nathan begs, but I sigh, and place a hand on one of his massive pauldrons in a gesture of stillness.

"No, Nathan. If I send you, his machine could likely crush you in an instant. Plus, what if this was a diversion, and he was really going to show up here while we were distracted by the weapon?" I ask, and realization creeps over Nathan as he realizes my point. "You have to stay here, Nathan. Once the superweapon is dealt with, I will let you go, to do as you see fit. But, for now, you shouldn't blindly rush off into battles with an enemy you know nothing about, especially when they have giant weapons on their side. Understand?" I ask, like a mother explaining to a child... Like I would have done to Twilight, if she was here to face the metal aberration. Still, Nathan quietly nods, kneeling once more.

"Ma'am, the soldiers are armed and on their way, would you like to leave now, or later?" The guard asks, and I look into space for a while, in thought. Finally, I snap out of it, and reply:

"I will leave soon. Give me some time and I'll be off." I say, and the guard nods, and everyone, including Nathan, leaves me to my thoughts. I still have to talk to the elements about this, and I have to tell them to protect Nathan. He seems formidable, but I can't be sure yet until I've tested him. But if he is as strong as I suspect, then Malideus should be no trouble to me.

"Prepare yourself, Wizard... we may have a superweapon of our own." I muse to myself, and I stalk off, eager to inform the Bearers of Harmony of our new situation.

Malideus, moments before...

"Mal, get up, you have evil to do today." Mizzy says, shaking me out of bed, and causing me to groan in annoyance at the disturbance of my slumber. Seriously, what do you people have against sleep?!

"Uhn... you're not my mom..." I mumble, putting my head under my pillow, in a failing effort to tune Mizzy out. It may seem obvious, but I was in so much physical pain right now. I got dropped from the sky, walked for hours through a dead forest, which I found out that Kherrie has no control over, and I fought a demon from right of the first few levels of Dark Souls. So yeah, sleep is a good idea right now. Unfortunately, Mizzy seems to have a different opinion.

"Malideus, it's a beautiful day, and Kelias sent word that your new toy is done! Now put your robe on, and go be productive. Seriously, Equestria isn't gonna destroy itself." Mizzy says sternly, and I shift, but do not budge. I deserve sleep, dammit! H.O.U.N.D or no H.O.U.N.D, I'm not leaving this bed!

"Mizzy, kindly fuck off. My head hurts, and your whining isn't making it go away." I say tiredly, and Mizzy sighs, then picks up the whole bed, and dumps me out of it. Jeez, what pissed HER off?

"Kelias is waiting in the foundry for your arrival. Now git, before I drop the bed on you." Mizzy says sternly, and I grumble angrily, but obey, putting on my robes and armor, and tiredly stumbling out of the cave, down the path I made to the cave so I didn't have to climb it, and down the path I had my devils carve through the forest, leading to Malideopolis, grumbling angrily the whole way.

"Freakin' acts like my wife now... I'll never sleep with another woman as long as I live..." I mutter, among other things, as I head for Malideopolis, and I walk for a while along the trail, until I'm stopped by Otsuna, who seems to be in a talkative mood, oddly enough.

"Hello, Malideus. I thought you were sleeping in today?" Otsuna says, tilting her head in curiosity.

"Fuck off, dog." I reply nonchalantly, causing Otsuna to huff in exception.

"Well, and a fine morning to you, too." She says, following me down the trail. "So, O master of doom & gloom, have you by any chance seen Kherrie around? I haven't seen her since they rescued you." Otsuna says, and I'm about to respond, when a root, out of nowhere, might I add, snaps around my foot and trips me. I then fall to the ground face-first, and that completely eradicates any shred of good mood I might of had until that point, replacing it with sheer, horrible anger and rage. God, now I know how Zero-Two felt... sans the glass shards.

"I'm gonna burn this forest down if it's the last thing I do..." I mutter harshly, and I feel a familiar presence as two odd feet press against my back, and I hear a girlish sigh from above me.

"Oh, Mal, still can't take a joke... it's kinda sad, really." Kherrie says, and Otsuna seems to stifle a giggle as I get up, forcing Kherrie to get off of me. I then brush myself off, and scowl at both of the two chucklefucks before me, both looking particularly guilty.

"I have a great sense of humor, Kherrie. You just really suck at jokes!" I snap furiously, and Kherrie fake-gasps at my retort, over-dramatizing the situation, to my anguish.

"Oh, Otsuna, it's truly tragic! The worst possible thing!" Kherrie mocks, causing me to tremble with rage.

"What could it be, Kherrie?! Surely, our glorious leader couldn't be..." Otsuna goes on, and I feel blood vessels rising to the surface in my head.

"I'm afraid so, Otsuna! I'm afraid Mal... He's... Butthurt!" Kherrie exclaims, and both of them dramatically gasp, pause for effect, and burst out into laughter, and it takes all my willpower to not vaporize both of them, as I trudge off, leaving the two laughing dumb-fucks behind as they roll on the ground, laughing at their own stupid jokes. Why was I not being taken seriously anymore? I remember way back when, when I had at least SOME control over my minions. But now, my makeshift army was constantly trying to humiliate me, get equal to me, or get in my pants. Hell, even Kitsune, the only uninteresting diamond dog I know, is sleeping on the job more and more. The only one who listens to me anymore is Hezafen, and that's because he's a robot, basically. I need to regain the respect of my inner circle, but how? What can I do to show that I am not to be fucked around with?

I think on this for a while, when Kherrie stops me again, further raising my already-critical blood pressure.

"Hey, Mal, come on! What's eating you? You're alive and well, and it was just a harmless joke!" Kherrie says, and I sigh, forcing myself to calm down. Bolas above, I bet Celestia doesn't have to put up with this shit...

"Kherrie, listen. I have nothing against a good joke, I really don't. But I have fought your dad, and almost lost, got dropped into an undead-infested forest, and almost GOT lost, and fought a giant demon the size of a large building, and that was from the waist up, might I add, and DEFINITELY almost lost, and that was all in one day. Right now, I don't want pranks, or anything else but complete and total destruction of everything that this god-forsaken world stands for. Now, if you please..." I say, stepping around the nature goddess, who seems downtrodden about something. No, inner white knight, you stay in your corner! You've gotten me into enough trouble! I'll let you out later, when you can't interrupt anything. Okay... Now to continue on to the foundry; I'll deal with Kherrie later. Right now, I need to go see what the hell Kelias has woken me up to see. Whatever it is, it had better be big and destructive.

So, I had finally, after some walking, made my way to Malideopolis, where the sight of The Foundry greeted me, filling me with some shred of happiness. Here, no pony, even the princesses, could hope to reach me, and my evil ways were going unhindered, as my devils, and my other, less cave-bound minions continued their lives, each contributing to the cause of anarchy in their own ways. To the east, I see a housing complex, with Xenia sitting atop a low tower, looking for someone with her rifle, and to the east, a large building, with the letters "CFP" attached to the front, over the entrance. And now, I was headed toward the biggest source of anarchy in the world: The Foundry. As I walk inside, I feel the familiar blast of heat greet me, as a wave of hot air blows out of the open entrance. I hear the sounds of working devils as I enter: metal hammering against metal, the scratching of claws on steel catwalks, and the yelling of unfortunate devils who got metal sheets dropped on their tails. Ah, the sound of productive evil, the smell of ionized metal, and the sight of molten metals falling into molds, creating components for the ultimate war machine... God, it's good to be bad.

I look around a bit more, and I stop when I finally see my target: Kelias, still wearing his nifty red-and-black business suit. Immediately, I catch up to him, and he turns about, welcoming me with welcome arms.

"Mal, my favorite overlord!" He says in his usual Philadelphian accent, and I shake his hand, eager to see what he's made for me.

"Kelias, my favorite devil. I heard you made me that toy I commissioned?" I ask, and Kelias laughs evilly, motioning me to follow him upstairs.

"Oh, yes... I think you'll like it very much. Right this way, please." Kelias says happily, and I practically shudder and jump with all the pent-up excitement as I follow the devil up the stairs, to the southern catwalk that goes over The Foundry's main vat, walking over the churning molten metal as we walk for a while, until we reach a giant, boxed platform, with a drawbridge-like door in the front with chains running across it. At last, our journey has ended, and only a few feet of tempered steel stand between me and my greatest weapon ever. God, I could just explode from the excitement!

"'Kay, sir, here it is. Now, before I open it, remember: This is the only one we could make, so try not to bust it up too bad, got it?" Kelias asks, and I nod slowly, the tension in the air almost palpable. Then, without a word, Kelias nods to a bunch of devils above us, and they all scurry to their assorted positions next to the levers, and they all pull the assorted levers back, releasing the chains, and causing the drawbridge-like door to fall forward, and what I see right there, before me, in all its 200-foot, 500-ton, metal glory, is the single most epic mech I have ever seen, or ever will see: It was giant, with a heavyset, forward-joint bipedal chassis, a small, light cockpit resembling that of a fighter jet, twin hex-frame machine guns, a rocket launcher on top of the guns, and a giant, round shield, behind which was a massive 100 mm. hex-frame grenade launcher.

The whole front of its torso was shielded with giant, round shields, and the guns were so big, they looked like they could shoot a person out of the barrel.

"Oh... my... god..." I mutter, and Kelias smiles wider, looking quite proud of himself. And why shouldn't he be? He just helped create the single greatest weapon the ponies, no, THE WORLD has ever seen! And now... it was time for a test drive.

"So... is it everything you hoped for?" Kelias asks simply, and I nod, still wide-eyed at the metal giant before me.

"How... How did you manage this...? It's so glorious..." I say, dumbstruck at how a bunch of devils made such a glorious machine in only three days. Kelias, though, just smiles, rubbing his chest with his knuckles.

"That's MY little secret. Now, you wanna drive it, or not?" Kelias asks, and my decision is immediate and obvious:

"Kelias... May I have the keys?" I ask, and Kelias laughs quietly, tossing me a keyring with two noticeable features: a strange, angular key, and a pair of small fuzzy dice. Then, a ladder drops from the catwalk, and it goes up to the H.O.U.N.D, so I then climb the rungs of the metal ladder, and proceed to climb into the open cockpit, which is nice and cool, unlike the rest of The Foundry, and has a black leather recliner seat, a rear-view mirror, also with fuzzy dice attached, and four cup holders. Kelias, you magnificent bastard... I don't dare think further as I stick the geometric key in the ignition, turn it, and hear the awesome machine of war roar to life, and I try out the controls; basically, push wheel forward to walk forward, and turn it to turn the chassis. Each weapon comes with a camera, so aiming is easier, and as I walk out of the box the H.O.U.N.D was held in, a colossal garage door opens up, and I laugh maniacally as I walk the massive machine out of the foundry, leaving giant footprints in my wake. Oh, this beats magic and pocket sand any day, I tell you what.

I walk forward for a while now, trudging along in my massive mech, and I stop as I exit my city boundaries, and I ponder where to go next. I could go to Canterlot, and just end it there... Nah, they'd expect that. Maybe Stalliongrad, like planned..?... No... I'm not prepared yet. I have a hound, but not enough to breach the walls. Suddenly, I remember something important: The ponies had a city called "Las Pegasus", and it was supposedly paved in metal and riches. If I took that in THIS bad boy, who know what else I could accomplish? However, I still had to find out where to go...

"It's west." I hear a girlish voice say from behind me, and I almost jump out of my robes, and I whip around... and there, of course, is Whip, my quiet assistant.

"The fuck?! How did you get in here?!" I ask, and Whip grins slyly, showing her fangs almost menacingly.

"I followed you." She smartly replies, and I groan, facepalming.

"I mean... Oh, never mind..." I say, returning to the wheel, and turning the H.O.U.N.D west. "You said it was west, right?" I ask, and Whip replies:

"Yes. May I ask what you're doing, though?" Whip asks, and I almost stop the H.O.U.N.D to slap her.

"What am I doing?! What are YOU doing, following me? And how did you do it without me knowing?" I ask accusingly, and Whip shrugs, smiling slightly.

"I thought you could use the company." She says, and I groan in annoyance, but ultimately decide that it's not worth raising my blood pressure over, so I let it be.

"You are getting such a beating when we get home..." I growl, and Whip smiles.

"I look forward to it." She retorts, and I stifle a groan as I force the H.O.U.N.D forward. God, this was gonna be a long day. So, as was the norm, I walked my new machine of war westward for several hours, enduring constant backseat driving from my masochistic assistant, Whip. Finally, during a break in the ceaseless chatter, I chewed her out.

"Whip, why are you not at the cave? Don't you have something else to do than bug me?" I ask.

"Not really." Whip replies flatly, yawning afterwards.

"Then go sort papers! I'm trying to destroy a world, here, not keep you entertained. And what's with the attitude? I find your lack of enthusiasm disturbing." I say, squinting my eyes at the bored-looking changeling.

"Just bored, sir. Besides, what's the point of sorting everything? It's just gonna get messy again anyway." Whip says, and let me tell you, this change in attitude is so far beyond drastic, that if I was even a little paranoid, I'd likely suspect an impostor. Hmm... nah. Too obvious.

"Whip, that's kinda pessimistic. What's gotten into you?" I ask, worried that something has happened to my lovable, if somewhat kinky, minion. Last I checked, she was Masochistic, but not pessimistic. Suddenly, I'm reminded of that pooka I met in Virgil's forest, the downer one. Oh, what was her name... Kim-Juan, or something? Eh, I don't care, it's not like I'll ever see her again.

"Nuthin'. Why can't a villain's favorite minion just want to hang out with their boss?" Whip asks, reclining in the back seat of the H.O.U.N.D's cockpit.

"Because 'hanging out' is for slackers! Last I checked, you are the opposite of a slacker. Or, rather, you were." I say, but Whip only yawns, continuing to recline.

"Eh. I'm just helpin' you find your way to Las Pegasus, seeing how you were headed the wrong direction, anyway." Whip says snarkily, not bothering to make eye contact with me. First the slacking, pessimistic attitude, now this? What's happened to my Whip?!

"Maybe she survived to puberty." My inner voice reasons snidely.

"Changelings are born fully developed, you idiot... Aren't they?" I ask, shuddering at the fact that I may have unknowingly fucked a child. Oh, god, if that were the case... Wait, why am I thinking about this?! Curse my ADHD!!!

"Hey, boss, you ok?" Whip asks, startling me.

"I'm not a pedophile!... Oh." I say, jumping, then realizing that it was still only Whip. "Yes, I'm fine, now stop bugging me and go home." I finally reply, focusing back on driving the 'mech.

"Wow, don't be such a bummer. Just pretend I'm not here... that's what a lot of other people do." Whip says, killing my good mood further. I don't ignore her... do I?

"Hmm..." I mutter, now officially not in a good mood. Finally, after several hours of silence, save the steady boom of the mech's feet hitting the ground, and the loud hum of the engine, we get within shooting distance of the city. I see it now, tall buildings, wide streets, and... and army? Royal guards?! CELESTIA!!!

"Unholy construct of Malideus, stop in the name of the law!" one guard says, holding out a strange, oddly shiny sword that crackles with electricity as he holds it up at me. So, I stop, and immediately turn on the external megaphones, just to laugh at them.

"Ha! Good luck stopping me, maggots! If you'll excuse me, I have a city to wreck, and you're kind of in my way." I say, and I push the controls forward, causing my H.O.U.N.D to lurch forth, steadily beating its metal feet into the ground as it trudges forth. However, the guards do not move, and a few unicorns cast a combined spell at my massive walking tank, causing the legs to stop halfway between my starting point and them, by enveloping them in a blue aura. Now still, I sigh, clutching my face. Of COURSE they would find a way to stop me.

"Alright! Mages, shields up! Archers, crossbows on him, now! Do as much damage as you can, before Celestia gets here!" The lead guard shouts, and the mages begin their work, putting a shield around the massive party, and the archers aim their crossbows at the H.O.U.N.D, though they are not sure where to aim, judging by their confused expressions.

"Ugh... I wonder how long until this spell wears off..." I say aloud, and Whip speaks up:

"They only got the legs, right? Just aim the cool weapons at them, and fire." She says, and I rear back, offended by the suggestion.

"What?! And waste precious ammo on lowly infantry?! What are you, casul?!" I ask loudly, causing Whip to jump back, more surprised than actually scared. However, I soon realize that I may have no other choice, as I hear the soft 'chink' of arrows as they bounce off of my H.O.U.N.D, and it quickly becomes annoying.

"Well, unless you do something about these 'lowly infantry', you'd better be prepared to wait for a looong time, which we don't have, on account that Celestia's likely..." Whip goes on, but I cut her off.

"Alright, I get it!" I say, seeing no other option than to waste my ammo I was reserving for the buildings and Celestia on these tools. So, reluctantly aiming the chassis downward, I activate my tier 3 weapon: the grenade launcher. Then, before I destroy the interlopers, I activate witty one-liner mode, and hit them with my dry wit:

"Hey, ponies! Get a tasty lick of my big, fat 'nades!" I shout through the microphone, and I launch three grenades in rapid succession at the party, and the first one explodes on the shield, causing serious strain on the mages, but they do not relent, and they hold the shield. However, the second grenade impacts immediately afterward, and the shields finally give way. Then, I shudder in absolute glee as the third grenade impacts the ground, detonating before the mages can put the shield back up. The whole giant party then explodes, a few ponies being sent flying, intact, but the majority of them are blown into bloody pony-chunks, which proceeded to impact the cockpit's windshield in a shower of gore and bits of hooves and eyeballs. God, why didn't I ask for windshield wipers? Anyway, so, I obliterate the party before me, and all that remains are a few groaning, mortally injured stragglers, and the spell wears off on my legs. So, now I can continue my rampage in relative peace, without... wait, where's Whip?

I look to the back seat after noticing an odd silence and find she's vanished, without so much as a cracked window. Weird. Still, I don't have the energy to care, so I shrug, deciding to interroga- uh, question her later. Right now, I had several months of stress to take out on this city. Activate epic destruction/battle music! As I imagine this theme in my head, humming along to the imaginary beat, I press onward, the H.O.U.N.D's massive feet pounding into the earth with a thunderous din as I move toward the city, and soon, in mere moments, I see citizens flee for their lives as my mech crashes into a building, knocking it down, and I switch to my tier 1 weapons: The dual hex-frame machine guns. I don't hesitate to pull qthe trigger on them, and I laugh as the steady thumps of the guns firing rocks through the H.O.U.N.D, tearing the streets apart, and cutting down anything too slow or too dumb to get out of my way.

"Christ, nothing can possibly ruin this moment right now! I FEEL ALIVE!!!" I shout, laughing as I march through the city, destroying all in my path, as an evil villain should.

Back to Celestia.

I flew as fast as my wings could take me to meet up with my troops, and I tried my best to intercept him with the others. But... I was too late, like always. Now, I'm standing here, in this open field, where the superweapon should have been, but all that remained here were giant, geometric prints, embedded several feet into the ground like massive craters, and the remains of an entire squad of my best troops. I always knew Malideus was a monster, but to create a weapon that could do so much damage in such short notice... It was unthinkable. Every villain we ever faced always at least spared whoever they could, and only damaged the surroundings, not the people. Malideus, however... he didn't care WHO he killed, he only killed, and he did it with glee and prejudice. Soldiers, guards, even civilians, he didn't care, so long as they died to amuse him. And to think Cadence saw ANY good in this horrible, despicable creature... My thoughts are suddenly interrupted, as a lone guard groans, coughing up much blood afterward, as he tries to get up, failing in the process. I rush over to him, and pick him up in my arms to see his face: He's but a young stallion, barely in his twenties, and... both his legs are blown off, likely by the superweapon.

"Ugh... P-Princess... He... We were no match for him..." The guard says, almost automatically. He does not seem to see me, though he knows I'm there, indicating he must have suffered head trauma enough to blind him, at least partially.

"At ease, soldier... you did all you could." I say, trying to comfort the stallion, but he goes into a panic, and grabs at me, hyperventilating. I see nothing but fear in his dim eyes, as he speaks:

"It wasn't enough!!! His machine... It only fired three... things!!! It killed everyone in THREE BUCKING SHOTS!!! The soldiers, the mages... It's no use to stop it, Princess!!! It's... it's no use..." The guard faded out, his eyes closing as he bled out, his sudden panic attack finally killing him. As the guard dropped dead, I let his body down, tears in my eyes as I surveyed the carnage. Indeed, Malideus' machine had killed everyone, leaving broken bodies and bits of my soldiers everywhere in its wake. I began to wonder if even I was any match for such a grandiose machine of death and wreckage...

"No... I can stop it. I have to." I say aloud, to no-one in particular. This thing may be tough, but it's not invincible. I will find this thing, and I will crush it, and I will save whoever's piloting the damned thing for last, and I will squash them myself. Suddenly, a chill runs up my spine as the screams of thousands ring through the air, their cries of dismay and terror emanating from...

"Las Pegasus..." I mutter, realizing where Malideus had intended to strike. Without hesitation, I take off, flying for the city, and as I fly, I see the pillars of smoke rise from miles away, with new ones popping up as skyscrapers fell, toppled by an unseen, yet devastating force. The screams grew in intensity as I near the city, and, at last, I see the horrible weapon myself, with my own two eyes.

"Heavens above... What is THAT?!" I ask myself, hovering as the massive machine continues its rampages, squashing and trampling everything beneath its massive feet, and knocking down skyscrapers with massive fireballs from its head. The machine itself is horrifying and brutal in appearance: It bore two legs, like a pony, but thicker like a minotaur, with only one joint each, it being the knee. Its upper body was irregular, with massive plate-like protrusions coming from its belly and left arm, if it could called an arm: the limb pointed directly upward, and it bore what appeared to be a massive cannon on the top, instead of a normal hand, and it had no right arm, only two more, smaller-looking cannons on the side of its body, and the head, which seemed to be directly under ANOTHER cannon, was elongated, like some kind of round-beaked bird, or a snake, and it had no eyes, just a single, massive plate upon its forehead. Of all the demons in Tartarus, none would compare to the hideousness that was this metal abomination.

I can't believe what I'm seeing. A giant, metal monster is destroying Las Pegasus, and no one can stop it. Not the guards, not the soldiers, and certainly not the police and civilians. Instead, they all flee from the behemoth, only to be crushed or blown to smithereens by the odd cannons the beast wielded. I watch in horror as Citizens are destroyed violently, and those few who oppose it are simply stepped on, like insects. I see a mare, carrying a young filly in her arms, race away from the machine, but it takes quick notice of her, and the two smaller cannons activate at the same time, and bursts of flame shoot from them in rapid succession, but the mare is not burned by them. Instead, the fireballs explode upon the pavement, tearing through the mare, ripping her in half in a violent display of blood and entrails. Then, ignoring the sobbing filly it left behind, the monstrous construct turns its upper body away, and trudges off in search of new victims to wastefully tear to pieces. This... this is wrong. No, BEYOND wrong. This isn't just killing, or war... this is was murder, of a degree unimaginable by anypony, even me.

I can't feel anything anymore. I try to act, to fight the thing, to do SOMETHING, but I can only float to the ground, and fall to my knees. I can't even weep, as this thing eradicates all life in the city, and then proceeds to destroy the city itself, once everypony has fled or died. Never, not since Chrysalis, have I felt so weak, so helpless... So...

"So useless..." I mutter to myself, finishing my own thought. As another skyscraper falls, the monster stands still, then roars something, in a voice that makes my blood boil, and my eyes almost burst into flame: It was the voice... of Malideus himself, piloting the mechanical abomination, and he was TAUNTING me:

"Oh, Celestia! Come on over here, you white-assed freak of nature! I got a new toy that you'll be DYING to play with!" Malideus bellowed, his voice amplified many times to travel over the sound of destruction and death, as he walked among the ruins of the city, shooting anything that moved. I could take no more of this blasphemy. Immediately, I flew up, leaving so quickly, a left a few feathers behind. But that doesn't matter now. Now, my goal is capturing Malideus, and destroying him. No more imprisonment, no more offers. Today, the treacherous, blasphemous mistake of nature dies, and his whole army with him. using my solar power, I conjure my armaments into my outstretched hands, and in a blast of flowing, golden light, they appear: A great, sharp, golden lance, and a massive, round shield of similar coloration. I then fly to his machine, lance ready, and prepare to end this monster, once and for all.

The final battle... has begun.

Author's Note

Oh, Christ! I think Ol' Sunbutt's done for, guys. Imagine, if you can, a little goddess of the sun, fighting this monstrosity.

Now give the 'mech legs, and that seems a tad one-sided, won't you agree?

Oh, well, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. Later, heathens.

Ch.25: What is a man...

"Okay, this is bad..." I mutter as the guards, the Mane Six, and the gargantuan warrior all move in on me, all lusting for my blood. No way out, deep in enemy territory, and with no magic. I'd like to say that I'm screwed, but I'm not. I've faced worse odds before, and they all seemed even more hopeless than this one. Quickly, I take my observations: Mane six approaching in a group, but they're spread enough to ensure I don't slip past them. The big guy is big enough that I can roll between his legs, but he'll see that coming. Finally, the guards, who I can easily kill, but not without leaving myself vulnerable. Okay... this calls for only one course of action: I have to berserk... as much as I don't want to.

"Give up, Malideus. If you comply, we can promise that you will be spared. Celestia wants you alive for some reason, but we won't hesitate to destroy you if you resist further." Twilight declares, but her voice only makes me angry for some reason.

"Shut up, you dumb horse knockoff! I won't submit to you, or anyone else, and that's that! You want me, then come get me!" I yell back, pounding my chest for emphasis.

"Are you really that dense, Malideus? We said you would be spared ON ACCOUNT OF CELESTIA! Why do you keep being such a jerk!?" Rainbow Dash asks, and I begin to ponder the question. After all, why would Celestia let me live after all of this? No, this has to be a trick. The minute I let my guard down, they're going to turn me into a statue, or something. Yeah, no thanks.

"Because you fuckers need to learn! Your country is NOT invincible just because your leaders are 'gods', which they're not! Like I said, if you want me gone, you'll have to pull your heads out of your asses and fight me!" I declare, readying my fists. I weighed my options, and there was only one option I could see: I had to get past the big guy, which was not going to be easy. Still, like I said, I've faced worse with a straight face.

"... well, he's certainly a cynical one, isn't he?" the warrior asks, looking to Twilight, who only shrugs.

"Alright, Malideus, you asked for this. Girls, elements!" Twilight shouts, and the six each pull out their respective elements, catching me by surprise. Wow, how did I not see that coming?

"Alright Malideus, this is it for you. Nathan, avert your eyes!" Twilight says, and the warrior quickly turns his head away from the six, and I realize that the warrior's name is Nathan. Okay, that makes that easier, but what about me? I have to get out of this, and fast!

"Crap! Alright, book, don't fail me now!" I mutter, pulling out the Ohgma Infinium from my cloak pocket and opening it, hastily flipping through the pages as the Mane six charge their ultimate attack. Let's see... Iska nokir, lame... Summon Giantdad? Eh, maybe later... Ah, stonewall! Perfect! As I read the spell's incantation from the book, I chant the words as I see them, throwing my hand in the air in a ritualistic manner:

"Gaius fortificus magnus!" I chant out loudly, and I stomp the ground below me just as the rainbow-colored beam fires, causing a massive cylinder of rock to erupt around me, and the beam of harmony impacts the stone, doing absolutely nothing to the impregnable wall. Then the spell ends, and the wall recedes into the ground, leaving me okay, but the Mane six look exhausted, obviously because they exerted all their power into that one puny attack. Before I can celebrate my victory, however, a loud voice suddenly calls me out, causing me to jump:

"You coward! I thought you had no magic left!" Nathan (why the fuck does that name sound so familiar!?) shouts at me, readying his axe.

"Incantations require only minimal mana, you barbarian! Now step aside, before I throw you out of my way!" I threaten in my darkest, evillest voice, but Nathan doesn't seem even a little fazed. In fact, he looks ready to charge at any second.

"You can't scare me, wizard! Let's fight!" Nathan shouts, then he charges me with all his speed and might, and he's going pretty fast for someone wearing more armor than a space marine. As soon as he's upon me, he raises his massive axe to cleave me in half, and I get an amazing split-second decision in my head. Just as he stops to bring his weapon down, I roll to the side, narrowly avoiding his axe, and I high-tail it out of there as fast as I can run, tucking the Ohgma Infinium into my pocket once more as I flee. Yes, that's my plan. Don't judge me. Before I can fully escape, though, I hear the stomping of metal boots again, and I turn to see Nathan charging after me again, gaining speed as he runs. In a blind panic, I veer to the right, heading down another street, and I stop to relish in the screams and crashes as Nathan goes flying through a coffee house, and goes through the opposite wall before stopping, and finally falling on his face. Immediately afterward, I break into another run, and I make my way to Canterlot castle, to search for my staff. Why, you ask? Because, where else would it be? Let's just hope this doesn't end up like last time I was here, or things are going to get out of control really fast, and lord knows I can't handle that.

"Alright... let's get back that staff." I say, cracking my neck as I head off towards the castle, eager to start breaking some heads.

Celestia's Perspective, hopefully for the last time this story.

I paced about the throne room quickly, still mortified at the conversation I had with that... thing, the one helping Malideus. What was it... 'The Narrator'? Yes, that was it. This 'Narrator', whatever it was, was what was truly causing all this destruction, and it was using Malideus as a tool, leaving me with several sour thoughts as I contemplate my next move. I know that Malideus must be stopped, but how? If I kill the simple pawn, would I be any better than him... or his controller?
...

Well, I may have to risk it. If I don't, then many will suffer and die. But what of those only he can save, like Luna? If what the Narrator said was true, then only Malideus could save her. Oh, what to do, what do..?

"Celestia, urgent news!" A guard says hastily, snapping a salute. Oh boy, more bad news... I'll bet it's Malideus again.

"What is it?" I ask tiredly, and the guard responds urgently.

"Malideus has breached containment, and is headed toward the castle! What do we do?" The guard asks, causing me to sigh in annoyance. Called it.

"Alright, gather every guard in the city, and put them inside the castle, then lock all the doors except for Luna's." I quickly command, and the guard looks confused as he voices his concern:

"Uhhh... Why Luna's?" The guard finally asks, tilting his head confusedly.

"Because, I want him herded there. If I am to save my sister, this must be done." I explain, but the guard still doesn't seem to understand.

"But... what if he doesn't do as you plan, Ma'am?" The guard asks, concern in his voice.

"Worry not, soldier... I have a plan. If he does not comply, then I will make him. Now, gather the guards and lock the doors, just as I said." I command, and the guard salutes, and goes off to do my bidding. Now, my trap is set, and I now have the perfect bait: Malideus's Staff. If he would want it back, he would have to find me first. Then, once I have made my demands, he will comply to them, and I will spring my brilliant trap. Soon, he will be locked away forever, and we will be free of him and this 'Narrator' character.

"It won't be long now, Luna... we just have to wait a while longer." I say to myself, remembering what the foul wizard did to my sister... or, rather, what 'The Narrator' did. In fact, was Malideus in control of ANY of his actions since his arrival here? I remember at first, when he was just annoying, but since his sudden jump... No, I can't have doubts now. Innocent or not, he is a menace as long as he is being used, and he will be used as long as he remains here. I'll think of a way to send him back eventually, but now, I need to prevent him from doing any more damage. I just have to wait... So, that in mind, I make my way to Luna's room, where I plan to lie in wait for Malideus.

Finally, back to Malideus.

Oh god... I shouldn't have run this whole way... and I still have a ways to go before I can reach my staff, or at least coerce it's whereabouts from one of the princesses. I look up from my doubled-over position, to see Canterlot castle, so close, yet so far away. Ah well, I better start walking if I want to get there: I got an army on my ass, and Celestia has probably heard of this by now. As far as I know, shit's about to get weird, and there's nothing I can do to stop it... so why bother?

"Alright, Chris, you only got a little ways to go... just keep up the pace, you'll make it..." I say to myself, and that motivates me enough to get moving again, as I make my way to the castle to get my precious, er, my staff, back from those FILTHY, TRICKSY PONIESES!!!... Er, I mean ponies. So, anyway, I continue my journey to the castle by continuing along the road, and basically enjoying the scenery. Much has changed since I've been here last, mostly in the form of new guard towers, and tons of motivational posters that say "I want you, to join the guard", or "Keep calm and carry on", though one of them had been scribbled on over the "Carry on" part, so it now read "Keep calm and Praise the sun!!!", with a little picture of a crusader making a Y-shape with his body in the lower right corner. That last one made me chuckle a little, and after I had finished appreciating such fine literary art, I continued on, slightly suspicious of the lack of guards on the way. I mean, seriously, did they all get recalled to the castle, or something? Too weird... Anywho, after getting lost in thought for a bit, I finally realize that I'm in the garden of the castle, and I just bumped into a statue while I was thinking. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts out, I look upon the obstruction, and find that it's no ordinary statue: It appears to be a statue of... um... is that pyramid head..?

"Freaky..." I say warily, and I walk around the statues, swearing I saw the eerie statue make an odd sound that sounded like a bomb siren. But, I digress. After all, this isn't silent hill... at least, I don't think it is... did it just get colder suddenly?

...Well, I don't get to think on that, because as soon as I get near the door, I hear another voice call out to me:

"Well, what have we here? Is it a pilgrim from the asylum, carried aloft by a friend to our lady of sin? Where to begin..." The voice from the bushes says, and I quickly turn to the maker of the reference, brandishing my fists.

"Who dares sneak up on Malideus?! Come out, and I'll only break most of your face!" I threaten, getting ready to destroy the interloper, when I hear another sharp, crazed chuckle from the brush, and a dirty, ragged, malnourished-looking stallion walks out from them, his rags tattered and torn from years of abuse... and lack of washing, from what I can smell. Goody, it's a hobo. Before I can tell him to beg for change to someone who cares, though, he speaks to me, answering my previous question.

"I? I, am a monument, to all your sins... but you can just call me Chamentia. Or crazy, or bum, but I prefer Chamentia." The ragged beggar says, smiling, and I notice that his teeth have been filed to a point, giving him a sadistic look, and causing me to realize that this creepy fuck is crazier than I thought. Fortunately enough, I like crazy.

"'Kay, that's cool and all, Chamentia, was it? But if I may ask, what are you doing in the gardens? And what are you talking about, with 'the Asylum'?" I ask, and Chamentia laughs again, and looks to the castle, grinning evilly.

"Well, I was just sitting around, watching the ponies capture two unfortunate souls they suspected to be associated with you. Then, just when I thought there could be no hope for them, you came along, right from the Asylum little Twilight has set up shop in!" Ah, that's where... wait, they put me in an ASYLUM!? before I can rant, though, Chamentia continues, interrupting my thoughts: "...Ah, anyway, I'd say it was sweet, sweet salvation for our two friends, but, alas, the front gate is locked, and both entrances are surrounded by guards. But ol' Chamentia knows a secret way in, one he found a long time ago, and has been using to steal rats from the dungeon to finish his rat marionette set!" Chamentia says, turning to me, his crazy smile still plastered to his face. Despite the creepy look, and the fact that he collects dead rats, I immediately jump at the thought of a secret entrance into the castle.

"Well? What is it!?" I ask, and the hobo turns about, beckoning me to follow through the bushes. So, despite my alarms blaring, I follow him, seeing nothing to lose. I saw those front gates while Chamentia was talking, and yes, there were a LOT of guards surrounding it, way more than I can handle. So, I follow him to the west side of the castle, and we both stop at an ordinary-looking section of the wall, which looks completely ordinary. Where's the secret entrance he was so exited about?

"Well, here we are! Just go through here, and you'll be in! We're all counting on you, O champion of... Oops, shouldn't spoil that part!" Chamentia says, and I stare at the wall, with many questions spiraling in my head. I can't ask them all at the same time, though, so I start with the most important one:

"... Where's the entrance?" I ask, and Chamentia sighs, and starts to write something in the dirt, which I read aloud: "Illusionary wall ahead. Amazing chest ahead." I read, and Chamentia smiles again, pointing to the wall once more. Well, might as well, not like I have much to lose by falling for some dumb joke. Still, I have one last question before I go.

"Hey, You said something about me being a champion to someone. What are you talking about?" I ask the crazed hobo, and He laughs, waggling his finger at me.

"Ah ah ah, I can't give that away... It would spoil the story!" Chamentia says, patting my helmet, and before I can force the information out of him, the crazy bum darts away faster than I can catch him, vanishing into the bushes in a swan dive.

"... Oh... Kay..?" I mutter confusedly, before turning back to the solid-looking wall. I stare at the brickwork for a bit, then, after a minute of looking for any telltale signs of illusion, such as rippling or paleness, and inevitably finding nothing, I breathe in, take a step forward, and reach out to touch the wall. My hand inches closer, closer, and ever closer to the white castle wall, and then, I touch it... except I don't. My hand suddenly passes right through the wall, and I quickly try to pull it out, but the illusion is pulling me into it, and I struggle for a bit, but it's no use, for the fake wall finally tugs me into it, and I fly through it, landing in a suspiciously familiar bathroom as I land. Holy shit, apart from the terrifying part of getting pulled in, it worked! But he said that there'd be an 'amazing chest' ahead, so... Where is it?... Wait, is someone showering? I hear water running as I come to my senses, and I slowly look to my side, and see that, indeed, a castle maid was showering, and the curtains were not pulled, leaving her just out for anyone with the balls to be pulled through an imaginary wall to see... So, yeah, this is really awkward for me, and for her, judging by her face. But hey, Chamentia didn't lie, at least; Her chest IS kinda amazing. Wait, did I really just say that about an anthropomorphic pony?! What the fuck is this world doing to my brain!? Anyway, me and this random mare have just been staring at each other for a while, so I decide to worm my way out of this one, the old-fashioned way:

"Uh... I'm just a figment of your Imagination. You've been in the shower so long, you're having a heat stroke." I say, waving my arms for dramatic effect, but the mare continues to stare at me, unfathomable fear in her eyes. Yes, I was looking at more than her tits! Lay off!

"But... I just got in..." The maid says slowly, and then I start to blush beneath my helmet, and I start sweating profusely.

"Oh... well... I'll just... be going this way." I say quickly, pointing at the door, then I sidestep closer to the door and hastily exit as soon as I reach it. "I... I was never here." I explain, and the maid nods in agreement, before I quickly retreat into the hall, slamming the door behind me. Oh, god, I think I have a nosebleed... Where's the mind bleach when you need it?

"That... was awkward..." I say quietly, then I leave the door, and begin my search around the castle in search of my staff... and some booze, lord knows I need some.

"Oh, don't be such a virgin! Admit it, you loved every second of that." My inner voice chimes in, startling me.

"That was AWKWARD!!! I enjoy the female body as much as the next guy, but C'mon, even I should have standards!" I mentally retort as I continue blindly down the hall, unaware of where I was going.

"Dude, you murdered thousands of innocent civilians in a mech, de-souled thousands more in that cloud city, Ruined Celestia's life, tortured her student, put her sister in a COMA, and fucked a dragon, a pony, a changeling, and got tongue-groped by an old goddess, in that order. I think your 'standards' went up in smoke a LOOONG time ago, kid." my inner voice replies, causing my shoulders to slump in shame.

"Oh, yeah..." I mentally mumble, and I feel my inner voice silently gloating at it's own victory.

"Now, if you're done being a pansy, I suggest you find your staff and get the hell out of here, before you get guard-rushed again." my inner voice says, and I physically nod, and snap back into reality after noticing how dark it just got. Did I just..?

"Dammit, I'm in the dungeons!" I curse, stomping my foot in anger, and causing minor cracks to form in the floor as a result. Damn it all, my inner voice distracted me! Now I have to go back and...

"You! Hey, you! Over here!" I hear I voice suddenly whisper to me from the cells. It sounded feminine, and definitely not happy. But nonetheless, I turn and acknowledge it.

"Yeeeeessssss???" I ask, drawing my line out as I turn slowly, faking a strained smile, despite no one being able to see it. When I turn, I see a light blue pegasus with a silver mane behind the cell bars, with a slightly dirtied plain white T-shirt, a thorny belt in the shape of a double-helix holding up her common-looking jeans, and a particularly uninterested expression on her face. Jeez, a lot of people I meet can't seem to give two flying fucks about anything, can they?

"Hey, You're Malideus, right?" She asks simply, and I cross my arms, trying to look as disinterested as her.

"Maybe. Who wants to know?" I ask, looking to the side all dramatic-like.

"I do. I've heard about your exploits, and I know that you know your way around the castle. Let me out, and I might help you." the rude mare says, crossing her arms. Alright, remember how I said I didn't like Kinua? I love her to death compared to this bitch. Her attitude, her sneer, everything about her screams 'disloyal bitch', A.K.A, a classic 'Starscream' character, but way less fun. But, I've never judged a book by it's cover before... so I'll see if I can't get a better deal before I decide whether or not to let her out of there.

"I dunno, You don't strike me as the best candidate for my army..." I say, but the mare scoffs, looking away with a sneer.

"I never said I'd join your army, you murderous freak, I just said I'd help you out. Once our business is concluded, I'm leaving. But while it lasts, you can at least feel safe around the greatest swordsmare who ever lived." the cocky bitch says, and I have no choice but to admire her self-confidence. Plus, if she's as great a swordmare as she says, I'll get my staff back in half the time, and never see her punk ass again!

... On the other hand, she's probably lying.

"Yeah, I'll take my chances. Enjoy your cage, bitch." I say, starting to walk past, but the mare seems shocked. She then turns, gets up, and zips to the bars, initiating some obviously practiced puppy-eyes. Dammit, my only weakness!

"W-wait! You aren't even going to consider it!?" She asks, causing me to stop and turn to her in curiosity, big mistake number one.

"Nope. Now piss off, before I tear you a new vagina." I say nonchalantly, and I start to walk away, but she stops me again, causing me to groan in annoyance, but also I felt confusion at her sudden change in demeanor. I can tell she didn't like this place, but still, what's up with the begging?

"Wait, just let me out, and I'll be gone! You can't possibly be that horrible to deny a damsel in distress!" She calls at me, and I turn around, smiling sweetly, and reply:

"Of course not! So if you see one, let me know, okay?" I say, giving her a thumbs-up, and I try to take my leave, when one last rage-inducing outcry stops me in my tracks:

"I know where she took your staff!" the mare shouts at me, causing me to stop dead. Then, slowly, I turn around, and walk to her cell, my eyes practically on fire again.

"How did you know I'm looking for that?" I ask, and the pegasus backs up, a shit-eating grin plastered to her face.

"I heard Celestia come in here and talk about having retrieved it, and that she hid it." She says smugly, and I grip the bars, using all my willpower to not bend them to get to the lowly pegasus mare.

"Where?" I manage sternly, my anger breaching inhuman levels again.

"Let me out, and I'll show you." the pegasus retorts, smiling so slightly, that I almost don't see it, but I know it's there. She knows she has me, and I know it, too... but unlike her, I have the ability to leave her ass here and search for it on my own. But, frankly, I'd rather not, so I show some trust for once, and give her the benefit of a doubt.

"How do I know this isn't a trick?" I ask, and the mare shrugs, still smiling a cocky, knowing smile.

"Guess you'll have to risk it, won't you?" the pegasus says, and I get a brilliant idea to get the info from her without freeing her.

"And how do I know you actually know where it is?" I ask cautiously.

"You'll just have to trust me when I say I do." She says, falling into my trap, and I then spring it:

"Yeah? Where is it, then?" I ask warily, and she seems to ALMOST fall for it, but she catches herself, and laughs.

"Won't tell you until I'm free. Nice try, though, I see the rumors of your speechcraft aren't exaggerated in the slightest." She says, and I nod, impressed by her cunning. Oh, she's good... and she's right; I will have to risk it. So, nodding silently, I poke the lock on the door with my index finger, and light a magic flame at the end, burning the lock off. Then, opening the door, the mare bumps past me rudely, and walks off, seeming to ignore me.

"Hey, what about my staff!?" I call after her, and she stops, turns to me, and says the single most infuriating thing I ever heard from anyone, ever:

"Try Luna's room, dumbass." the mare says, before walking off. Okay, I think I'll kill her later. Right now, I need to get my staff back from... wait, did she say Luna's room!?

"Aw, hell..." I mutter as the mare vanishes around a corner, and I'm likely left fending for myself... Eh, like I said, I'll kill the bitch later. Staff first, kill anthro-horse later. I can do that. So, reluctantly making my way out of the dungeon, I begin my trek upward, into the main halls of the castle. It's pretty much the same as the last time I was here, but the air seems... tense. When last I came to this castle, everything was so peaceful and carefree, but now the energy of this place, despite the white walls and streams of sunlight through the windows, seems so dire and sad, like ghosts are living here now. Of course, who can blame the place? These ponies probably haven't faced anything as bad as me in a very long time, and this sudden change is running them hollow. Why, I can already see Celestia burning all of her own knights alive, just to rid the world of me once and for all. Anyway, after some quick walking, I see a few doors, which look pretty important, judging by how decorated they are. Oh, and look who's trying to open one of them... betrayal bitch.

"Open... you... stupid... GRAH!!! Why is this door locked!?" the mare who tried to leave me in the dungeon yells, and I cough, getting her attention.

"Well, seems we're having some trouble here. What's the matter, been left in a locked cage so long, you can't figure out how to turn a knob?" I taunt, and the pegasus seems surprised at first, but quickly regains her composure, turning her head with a slight 'humph'.

"Oh, it's you. For your information, the door's locked, genius. Why the hell would they just lock everything? It makes no sense..." the mare asks as she returns her ire to the door, and starts kicking it in a futile attempt to get it open.

"Maybe, I don't know, to keep people out?" I retort, and the pegasus utters a low growl, and turns her attention to me.

"Don't get smart with me, wizard. Here, make yourself useful and get this armory door open, will you? I'm only here for two things anyway." she demands, and I almost tell her to do it herself, but I then realize something: I have to get to Luna's room, and I need weapons. If this is the armory, then there will definitely be weapons. So, uttering a growl of my own, I place my hand to the locks of the door, then I melt them off once again, letting the doors slowly open. After that, the pegasus rushes inside, and begins searching frantically for something. I, however, don't bother to care what she's looking for, because my jaw is too busy hitting the floor. All around me, now, are walls and stacks of swords, axes, hammers, bows, shields, and various bits of armor, some big, some small. I'm not here for armor, though, and I quickly grab the best weapon I can find: a cool golden spear, with a spearhead that looks like a dragon's head, and I rush out of there, eager to leave the annoyingly edgy pegasus behind. However, as soon as I turn to leave, we bump into each other at the door, resulting in more awkward rival conversation:

"I have a feeling this is just going to keep happening. Why don't we just work together? It'll cut the time in half." I say, but the pegasus huffs irritably, then turns away, heading down the hall.

"No. I work alone, and I have what I need." She says, and I notice the two swords now on her back, and I make my comment:

"What, those two letter openers?" I ask, pointing at the blades, and the pegasus freezes, shudders for a second, and finally, before I can flinch, she draws both blades and swipes them at me, a look of impossible rage on her face. Luckily, I manage to catch her swords with my spear, and hold them off.

"Never... insult my swords again... or that stick won't be able to save you." the pegasus threatens, and my near-death experience leaves me humbled for the moment, causing me to tremble a little. But at that moment, something kicks me out of my own head, and proceeds to make things worse for me.

"Hmph. Like you could hurt the all-powerful Malideus. Even without my most glorious, all-powerful staff, I am many times your peer. Now, if you're done being a spoiled brat, I'd like it if you went your own way, because I would like to be as far away from you as I can... Petulant child..." I finally say with as much contempt as I can muster, and the pegasus takes a few silent moments to turn beet red, actively trembling with sheer rage, but instead of swinging her rather deadly-looking swords at me, she reluctantly sheathes her blades and wordlessly bumps past me, going for the exit. Good for her, maybe she'll get guard rushed. You know, though, for someone who loves to boast about their skill, she seemed to leave in an awful hurry. Oh well, I think it was pretty lucky, because I doubt I can take a fight right now, for fear of attracting guards, and I would probably lose. So, shrugging, I continue along my own path, looking at all the locked doors along the way, and wondering why the doors were locked in the first place.

So, finally, after an hour or so of trying locked doors and such, I finally have had enough of the silence, and stop, looking around, and groan audibly:

"Ugh, where IS everybody?!" I call out, resisting the urge to punch a wall. Finally, after some calming breaths, I walk down the last hall... and come across the one thing I hoped to never see, but needed to get past to reach my objective...

"Ah, my old nemesis... Stairs." I mutter, looking up at the tall spiral staircase leading to the bedchambers of the royal pony sisters. Oh, woe is me, that my cursed fear of stairs make everything so complicated. But, I cannot deny my fear, so I begin to look around for another way up. As I look around for an escape of some kind, I hear the all-too familiar marching of armored hooves approaching me from behind, sending shivers up my spine. I can't afford to be seen by anyone without my staff, being the sneaky wanker I am, so I begin to hasten my search as the sounding of marching hooves draws nearer, their intensity indicating a small platoon, which means that they know I'm here. Still, I'm no slouch, so my search is not only quick, but intense as well. Finally, my wandering eyes spot something useful to my cause: A window, left open for reasons unknown to me. Unusual, if I say so myself, but as they say, never look a gift horse in the mouth. So, with much self- lecturing on being stupid for fearing stairs, I proceed to scramble up the wall, and I finally get out the window, and look outside as I cling to the wall for my dear life. Oh lord, that's a long way down... Plus, the wind is biting at my eyes, blowing through my eye-holes and causing my eyes to tear up. But hey, I did this last time, and it worked out, so why can't it this time? So, without hesitation, I dig my claws into the brick walls of the castle walls, and proceed to work my way up the steep surface, hoping to reach the next window soon.

"Fuck my life..." I mutter to myself, wondering why my life feels like a badly-written fanfiction.

Nathan's point of view, as if anyone cares.

"Owwww... dammit..." I utter as I get to my feet, having crashed through a coffee shop in an attempt to stop Malideus. Honestly, this isn't worth it. The guy is too fast, too agile, and too damned lucky. Frankly, it's just not fair. No wonder these poor ponies are afraid of him! I finally get up onto my feet, shaking the rubble off of my armor, which seemed to be indestructable for some reason, despite it having been made of paper mache` and glazed aluminum foil back on earth. Suddenly, I hear the running of hooved feet, and I see the Mane Six run up to me, worry on their faces. Bless their hearts, they're worried about me!

"Nathan! Thank goodness you're okay! Where's Malideus?" Twilight gasps, clearly out of breath. Well, so much for them being worried about me.

"He got away, your highness. The bastard was too fast and jumpy for me, I'm afraid." I say, and Twilight sighs, pinching the bridge of her muzzle in a gesture of frustration.

"Typical... we come so close to catching the bastard once again, and he escapes... again." Twilight says, obviously angry.

"What are we going to do?! If he reaches the castle, we're done for! Who knows what he'll find in the vaults, or what he'll do with it!" Fluttershy cried, trembling like an earthquake. I want to try and comfort her, but I know this isn't the time. If Malideus heads for the castle, then the princesses are in grave danger, and I have to stop it. But can I do it? He is not only gifted in magic, but he can easily outmaneuver meas well, as found out by that fiasco with the coffee shop. Plus, he sounds so familiar, like that kid I used to hang out with back in high school... Chris, was it? I only remember him from that time we hung out, and I had him watch a few episodes of My Little Pony, just so he could stop hating it. Now that I recall that, though, I think that might have only made it worse. Still, He was a good friend of mine despite that, and this 'Malideus' character reminds me of him a lot. Could he be..?... Nah, that's just not possible. What would be the odds of two friends going to another universe together, and unknowingly becoming enemies of each other during that time? Besides, Chris vanished almost a year ago, and he's likely dead. Hell, there was a manhunt for him and everything, it even lasted for three weeks straight!... But, we didn't find him or his body, so we gave up, and we had a little funeral for him, despite the fact we couldn't prove he was dead... I wonder what happened to him... And on a similar note, why am I here, of all places? What happened? All I remember was walking home from comic-con, feeling dizzy, and then, well, here I am. Could this... could this be what happened to Chris? If so... Then where in the world is he?...

"Hey, Nathan!" Rainbow Dash calls at me, snapping me out of my thoughts. Damn, she's louder in real life than she is on the show.

"Uh..? Sorry, what?" I mutter, and Twilight speaks up first, looking up at me expectantly.

"Look, Nathan, we need your help again. We know Malideus is terrible at close-quarters combat, but we still may not be any match for him However, he seems to be afraid of you, and you're the only one that could actually hit him as hard as you did back at the asylum. Can you help us one last time, please?" Twilight pleads, and I feel my ego swell as Twilight looks to me with her puppy eyes, and I don't even have to think about my answer:

"Of course! I'll help however I can, milady!" I shout gallantly, brandishing my axe. Twilight then smiles, and explains her need:

"We need you to go to Canterlot as fast as you can, and stop Malideus before he gets to Luna's room. Can you do this?" Twilight asks hastily, and I tilt my head in confusion at the request. Why would he be going TOWARD the castle, of all places? Isn't his lair the other way? And why Luna's room specifically? it couldn't be that he had anything to do there, unless he wanted to... Oh no..!

"Umm... if I may ask, your highness, why would Malideus be going to Luna's room? Shouldn't he be going after his staff instead of the castle?" I ask, confused, and Twilight replies quickly:

"Because that's where we hid the staff! We figured that, in the event of an escape, Malideus would look somewhere else, like the vaults, or the armory. But he escaped too quickly, and his power is still greater than we thought! We only need this one thing from you! Can you help us?" Twilight asks pleadingly, and I don't even think about my next response; I don't even have to. Suddenly, I kneel down, lower my head, and respond as chivalrously as I can:

"It would be an honor, your highness! I will do this post haste! Now, onward to glorious battle!!!" I say, pointing my axe to the castle, and I finally get up, and before any more words are shared, I begin my long trek to the castle, where my final battle with Malideus was to take place. But as I walk, I begin to wonder old thoughts: Who is Malideus? Why do I feel like I know him from somewhere? And where is Chris? I know he has to be here, I can feel it in my gut, but where? Maybe Celestia would know. After all, humans don't seem to pop up here very often, so he would have to have been seen, even in his costume... what was his costume then, anyway? Some kind of priest? I can't seem to recall. Odd. Well, whatever it was, and wherever he is, I'm sure he's safe: the dude knows MMA for crying out loud, and he rules with a staff. I'm sure he's hanging in some pony village right now, basking in the friendship, and completely forgetting that he ever hated ponies...

Aaaaand, Back to Malideus.

"I fucking hate ponies!!!" I shout in indescribable rage as I climb up the walls toward the window, arrows and magic bolts whizzing around me as I scale the vertical face, sweat dripping from me and muscles aching. The wind was also kicking up, so gripping was even harder now that I was being blown to the side. Why the fuck did I choose to do this!? This is harder than fighting Ornstein and Smough as a wizard, without Solaire! Suddenly, some attacks stop, and I see a pony grab some kind of megaphone and talk up at me, causing me to stop climbing to listen to them:

"Malideus, we're giving you one last chance! Come down from that wall, or we will impale you to it!" The guardspony shouts, his voice enhanced by the megaphone he possessed, causing it to echo through the air. However, I make no actions after ward, and soon try to climb up some more in defiance of the lawpony, but he stops me again with another compelling argument. "Listen here, wizard, we have several bows trained on you right now, and orders from Celestia to fire if you do not comply! Now come down here willingly, or we'll knock you down ourselves!" The guard says, and I adjust my body to face him, and I respond properly:

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU IMPERIALIST PIG-DOGS!" I shout down at them, flipping them the bird for good measure. Then, I turn around, grip the next brick, and quickly work my way to the window once more, avoiding the volley of arrows that was now being launched at me with extreme prejudice. Apparently, ponies either don't like being called imperialist, or hate being called pig-dogs. Either way, I finally make it to the window after some serious physical exertion, and some self-questioning on my part, and I quickly grab hold of the sill, and almost make it inside, but a stray arrow finds my hand, and I slip a few inches as I recoil in fear and shock, causing me to lose my balance and almost fall, had it not been for my other hand. Still, while I'm safe at the moment (save for the volley of arrows), my heart rate has increased greatly, and my lifespan has likely been decreased by that much, as well. Damn you, stress! Finally, after some shifting and clawing on my part, I finally grab the windowsill again, and hoist myself up, ignoring any more stray arrows that get too close to me this time. Finally, I manage to crawl into the window, and I land in a large hallway, with many large doors around it. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now, to find Luna's room.

"Alright... where is the wee she-beast?" I ask to no one in particular in a mock-Scottish accent. Looking around, I notice that all the doors seem to be locked, as if someone wanted to keep me out... or wanted to guide me somewhere. Hey, it's a possibility, don't judge. Anywho, So, I try the doors anyway, and eventually come to one at the end of the hall, one that was unlocked, for when I tried the knob, it turned with ease. Okay, this has to be a trap. But, if this room was what I thought it was, then my staff was in there, and I had to get it, and fast. So, without a second thought, I throw the door open, and quickly move inside, holding my spear in front of me, in case any guards are there. Thankfully, there are none, and I hesitantly decide to lower my spear, and look around. But, no matter how hard I look, I can't find my staff. Still, There's Luna here, sleeping like a baby. Maybe I can kidnap her and hold her ransom for my staff...

Suddenly, before I can move to pick Luna up, I am stopped by the door closing, and several hooves marching in, surrounding me, and a loud cough sounds out, forcing me to turn around in dismay. Indeed, just as I suspected, there was an entire squad of guards standing around me, spears ready to skewer, and, of course, the bane of my sanity, Celestia, looking quite serious.

"It's a trap!" I exclaim, raising my spear in front of me in a defensive posture.

"Put the spear down, Malideus, I only want to negotiate. You know how to negotiate, right?" Celestia says, pointing her lance at me defensively, and the guards compact their stance, ready to kill me if need be. I, however, did not lower my spear, and instead channeled my magic into it, causing the weapon to crackle with red electricity. Then, I finally spoke:

"We have nothing to negotiate, princess. Now turn around and get lost, or I'll turn your dear sister into a Luna-Kebab!" I threaten, pointing my spear at the comatose princess of the night. I don't care how many guards Celestia has anymore, they'll all be out of a job if Luna dies, and they know it... And so does Celestia. She won't dare attack me in this position!

"Wait, Malideus, we shouldn't be hasty. Remember, I still have your staff." Celestia calmly says, causing my blood pressure to spike once more.

"Yeah, I noticed. So, are you going to give it, or am I gonna have to pry it from your cold, dead hands? Because I'm cool with both, you know." I retort, lowering my spear slightly. Celestia, though, does not seem fazed, and quietly reaches behind her, and pulls out a long, thin object, about my height, wrapped in cloth as to obscure it. Then, before I could ask if that was her dildo or something, she unwraps the cloth, and reveals none other than a long staff, golden and tipped with two sharp, blade-like horns, with a red gem fixed between them... My staff. I look at it for a while, stunned at such treachery, and then think about reaching for it, but before I can, Celestia holds it away from me, and speaks:

"I will give you your staff, Malideus, but I want an exchange. For your staff... a favor." She negotiates, and I let out a low growl, gripping my spear tighter than I have before.

"I don't have to negotiate with you. You want a favor, Celestia? How about I do you one and put your sister out of her misery?" I growl, raising my crackling spear at the unconscious alicorn. Still, Celestia, unlike her twitchy guards, remains stoic, and simply holds my staff out from her, as if daring me to try and take it... a dare I was more than willing to take.

"I don't think you have a choice, wizard. If you do anything outside of our agreement, I can easily destroy you with your own weapon. In fact, you're lucky I'm even offering to trade it back to you. The only reason I'm offering is because I need a guarantee that you'll do as I say. And I know you will... You can't really do anything without your precious staff." Celestia says, waggling the staff at me. I really hate her, but I have to admire this level of diplomacy. Hell, she's got it all down to a 'T', maybe she IS as old as they say she is; I doubt I could have pulled this off as quickly as she did.

"... What do you want, you old nag?" I ask, defeated. What the hell, that should be ME doing the ransoming, not her!

"I want you to awaken Luna. NOW." Celestia says sternly, causing me to jump at the sudden change in tone. Still, I cast her a confused glance, because this was weird. If she wanted Luna awake, why didn't she just do it herself?

"... What?" I ask, giving Celestia a bemused glare as I lower my spear.

"You heard me. Luna has been cursed, and The Narrator said that only YOU could release her. Now, undo her ailment, before I undo your existence." Celestia says, and I cock my head to the side in confusion. 'The Narrator'? Who the hell was that? Has this bitch finally lost her marbles, or something?

"Yeah, that's great and all, but I have one question: Who in the name of Beelzebub is 'The Narrator'? Or are you just fucking with me?" I ask, and Celestia seems shocked at something, silently curses for a bit, then proceeds to explain:

"That's not important right now! Right now, my sister is in danger of dying, and you're the only one who can wake her." Celestia says, casting a sorrowful glance at Luna's sleeping form, and then returning it to me, but with hate instead of sorrow. Then, she continued. "Now, If you have any sense it that thick, addled brain of yours, you'll release her from her sleep. Understand?" Celestia finishes, raising her lance at me.

"Um, no. First off, I don't even know what I did, how am I supposed to undo it?" I ask angrily, raising my hands to the air in a gesture of irritation. Celestia then sharpens her glare, and lowers her tone.

"I don't know, wizard, but you'd better figure it out before I kill you." Celestia says, and I sigh, seeing little choice. I really want my staff back, and she has it, and doesn't look keen on letting it go without an exchange. So, against everything I stand for, I nod in agreement.

"Fine. But I break her further, that's your own damn fault, Gigantor." I say, causing Celestia to puff up indignantly, but remain silent. Then, I turn, the guards all eyeing me with extreme caution, and I begin to sweat under the pressure, every sense in my body telling me to flee and forget the staff, that I was playing with metaphorical fire, and that this was only going to end badly if I continued. But, I ignored my every intuition (save my inner white knight, who was edging me on to do this), I walk up to Luna, and look her over, pondering how to undo... whatever it is I supposedly did.

"You don't have to do this, you know. What if you make it worse? Think about it! Celestia's going to kill you anyway, just leave while you can! Get out of here! It's not worth it!" My inner voice chided me, causing me to cringe at the mental assault, which only added to the inherent pressure of the room.

"Stop talking, man! I DO have to do this! Bolas will KILL me if I lose this staff! Why are you so against me doing this, anyway? Weren't you always going on about how I should make nice to these freaks?" I retort, but my inner voice only grows in tenacity of his berating, pressuring me more than it ever had in my life.

"This is different! Celestia is going to kill you as soon as you do this! I've only ever cared about our well-being, and this is a bad idea! Stop this now, and GET OUT OF HERE, you dim simpleton!!!" My inner voice practically screams at me, his tone becoming different. I remember when he was just a reasonable asshole before, but now he's... different, for lack of a better word. I can't tell how, but ever since I got into Virgil's forest, my inner voice has been changing, and it's become uncomfortable to listen to him anymore. So, I ignore him, shake my head, and try to press my armored hand to Luna's forehead, but I feel my muscles tense, like something's grabbing me. Okay, this is getting fucked up! What the hell's going on!?

"Stop! Stop right now! You don't know what you're doing, boy! You're making a grave mistake by continuing with this folly!" My inner voice roars in my head, his voice becoming more grating and metallic. I'm officially scared now, 'kay? So, I ignore the presence holding my arm, and push it past, ignoring the odd glances I'm getting from the guards and Celestia, hoping that, by awaking Luna, I'll be rid of whatever's taken residence in my head.

"Malideus? Is something the matter?" Celestia asks, genuinely worried, but I don't turn, and continue, straining to reply to her:

"No... This is.... Weird...what did... you do...?" I strain, and the guards all back up, and Celestia steps forward, clearly worried about something. She mentioned something about a 'Narrator' cursing her, and I'm unable to even touch her, all of a sudden... I don't think it takes a genius to connect the dots here.

"Stop this now, boy! You can't win this fight! Get away from this wretch, or I'll make you suffer! I'll Have your soul for this, cur!!!" the voice says, scraping at my brain with it's dark, malevolent tone, but I'm dead-set on getting rid of this thing, so I tighten my muscles, strengthen my resolve, and wordlessly push one more time, reaching my index finger out to Luna's head, and as I finally make contact, I use what little willpower I have left to brush a strand of ethereal hair from her face. Then, I struggle forward, raising the front of my helmet off my face, and, well, uh... you ever seen sleeping beauty? Well, it happened just like that, and frankly, no one quite cared for it, especially not Celestia, who's face was turning red with ill-concealed anger. Then, as I remove my face from Luna's, I hear the grating, metallic voice of the narrator once more, roaring in rage and hatred as he chides me one last time:

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, BOY!? YOU COWARD! YOU FOOL! THERE'LL BE A RECKONING YET, CHRIS! A RECKONING INBLOOD!!!" The voice screams, it's deep, metallic voice fading as I raise my head, and immediately clutch it as the presence leaves me, making me feel... hollow inside, like something important was taken from me. But even so, I feel like a great burden is lifted from me, and not a moment after, I hear Luna moan, and I see her turn her head, and her eyes begin to flutter open, failing to stay so at first, but she soon comes to, much to the joy of her sister. Then, she gets up, clutching her head, and speaks:

"Uhnnnn... Wha..? What happened...? Tia, siste-AAAAGH!!!" Luna shrieks upon setting her gaze on me, falling off of her bed in the process. Thankfully, my helmet was down, so I don't feel TOO offended. Still, that WAS slightly uncalled for.

"Luna! You're okay!" Celestia exclaims, pushing me out of her way as she runs to embrace her sister, who returns it with great fervor.

"Sister, I'm so happy to see you again... that curse was horrible! I kept dreaming that I was being kissed by Malideus!" Luna says, further drawing my ire. It was awkward, okay!? No need to go and insult my kissing skills like that! Finally, the two released embrace, and Celestia spoke.

"Ummm... yeah, sounds like a terrible dream..." she replies awkwardly, and I cough, breaking up the touching moment.

"Yeah, happy times and all, but you made a deal, Celestia. Now hand it back, before I put your sister BACK in that coma."I threaten, holding out my hand, and Luna glares at me, standing up in an effort to intimidate me.

"What are YOU doing here, Malideus?" She says, and I roll my eyes, more than happy to answer her.

"I'm the one who woke you up, sleeping beauty." I retort, and Luna looks about to say something, but she stops beforehand, a look of sheer horror on her face as she begins to turn really, really pale. I guess she just figured out what that dream meant, huh? Finally, Celestia intervenes, holding up my staff.

"I'm sorry, Malideus, but I'm afraid you won't be getting this horrible thing back." She says calmly, and I suddenly feel very, very cold. And angry. And hungry, for some reason. But, mostly angry.

"... W-what...?" I growl, feeling my vision blur and blacken out as I clench my fists, causing them to shake, and my whole body trembles as it starts to go numb. Then, to my increased anger, Celestia replies.

"I'm sorry, Malideus, but as an old proverb goes: 'To overcome a fault, one must understand it'. So, against my wishes, I have willingly deceived you. This staff will remain in the element room for the rest of eternity, and you will be going to the dungeons for the rest of your days; a rather generous reward for your help and self-sacrifice, if I say so myself." Celestia says, and the guards begin to move in on me, forcing me to raise my spear. I've been... betrayed?... HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING!?

"You... Betrayed..." Is all I can muster, before a guard steps too close, and I instinctively jab my weapon at him, striking the guard between his eyes and killing him instantly. then, I return my spear to myself, and my vision has all but blacked out, leaving me near-blind as I hear my body growl and snarl like a deranged animal. I think... I think I'm berserking again...

"C-Celestia... What's he doing..?" I hear the muffled voice of Luna ask her sister, who remains silent as I feel something snap inside me, and a sharp, horrible pain washes throughout my body, but I cannot scream. Instead, I only watch the darkness as it turns red, and I begin to black out as my body undergoes a pain I have never felt before, not even when Celestia hit me with that nasty spell that almost killed me. Then, I slip into the familiar void... but this time, no dream comes, leaving me floating in the darkness of my subconscious... Joy.

Celestia...

It was... horrible. I thought he was bad before, but Malideus had one last surprise for me. Just as I thought I had him, He began to snarl like a rabid dog, and he... his body... it just... changed! One minute, the wizard is standing there, and the next, he's hunched, growling, and his body has now become enveloped in an inky, pitch-like substance, and he's, well, growing! Already, the beast that once was Malideus has reached the roof, leaving us all stunned, and the guards are all backing away as the features of the creature morph and twist: His arms become long and armored, the giant plates melding into his skin as if they were part of him, and giant, scythe-like claws emerge from his fingertips. His legs then change, contorting into more saurian positions, and his feet becoming massive, armored talons. Finally, his head and torso mutate, plates covering his belly as long, jagged spines stab out from his back, and two massive, black, bat-like wings suddenly erupt from the flesh, sending black ooze flying everywhere as they appear, and blocking and absorbing the sunlight from the windows as they unfurl, leaving an unnatural shadow over us. His head then begins to elongate, becoming much like his helmet, but more angled, like a short beak of sorts, but it curls inward at the 'lips', giving it a flatter appearance than a bird's, while still maintaining the same predatory feel to it, one that screamed 'death to all who oppose me'. When the wizard's sudden mutation finally ended, he stood over the room, gazing at us with blank eye-holes. Suddenly, two round, red lights lit up from withing the void behind his eyes, and they stared at us, piercing my being without any thought or emotion as his long, barbed tail swung side to side, threatening death on whoever sought to sneak up on it. This thing, whatever it was, was no longer Malideus, but a demon of his own creation, with only one purpose: to destroy.

"S-sister... w-what is THAT!?" Luna whimpers, clutching my arm, but I do not answer: I don't think I even CAN. Suddenly, without warning, the demon throws it's head back, and roars a horrendous bellow, one that grated like metal, and caused the whole room to shake with it's raw force. Then, faster than I could react, the monster that once was Malideus swung its tail across the room, sending everything and everypony flying, and even striking with enough force to tear the nearest guards in half, causing blood and gore to paint the walls, though the beast's tail did not stain. In fact, the gore slid right off, as if fleeing the murderous appendage. Then, the beast makes a wild grab, snatching up guards and throwing them into its maw, swallowing them in the inky darkness beyond it's armored, fanged maw. Many tried to flee, but it was simply to fast, and when the guards were all gone, it set its red, unfeeling eyes on my sister and I, stalking toward us so slowly, I almost did not see it. But I thankfully did, and before it could lunge, I had grabbed my sister and was out the door, where we are now running from the horrible beast as it crashes through the small halls after us, oblivious to all but its goal: us. But, no matter where we run, it always finds us with ease, and it smashes walls and rips doors off their hinges to get to us, using its long, scythe-like claws to rend all matter apart. I know what it's truly after, and I know that it will stop at nothing until it has it... but I must keep the staff away from it. If Malideus gets it back... our world will be doomed far worse than whatever this monstrosity can do. Finally, after much running, I find the royal vaults, and I quickly use my magic to throw the vaulted door open, and we both rush inside, and I close the vault behind us, trapping the demon outside. Still, though, I hear it bellow for my blood, and I hear it slash at the door, tearing the metal apart as it does. Is there no end to it's capabilities!?

"Celestia... What are we going to do?! Malideus is coming, and he'll kill us unless he has his staff!" Luna cries, huddling into ball on the vault floor, terrified of the beast that was tearing apart the door that was supposed to withstand the mightiest explosions.

"Luna, that thing is not Malideus anymore... But you are right. He is after the staff... So I'm going to give it to him." I say ominously, getting up, and gripping the evil artifact of Malideus. In fact, I was not going to ACTUALLY give it to the beast, but use it on him. To beat evil... one must use evil, as is the way of all things. This, I know too well.

"Celestia, he'll kill you! Just let it be, we'll figure out something else!" Luna cried out, but my mind was set. I don't know who created this monster, but I'm about to destroy it, once and for all... even if I must risk my own destruction in the process.

"Luna, stay there. I'm going to put this beast down." I say, and just as I finish, I hear one last, guttural roar, and the towering, demonic horror pierces the door with it's claws, and rips a great, gaping hole in the front, then crawls through it, compressing it's slender body to fit through the opening, and the abomination stands at last, soundlessly staring at me with its two emotionless lights. I point the staff at it, and it looks at it with primitive curiosity, but the monster ultimately ignores the evil rod, focusing on me with unnatural intensity. Then, without so much as a warning twitch, the horror leaps for me, claws outstretched, and I leap back, causing the monstrous demon to miss me by inches. Okay, so he doesn't want the staff... he just wants me.

"Celestia!" Luna calls out, and I turn my head, giving her warning:

"Luna! Run! This thing isn't after the staff! It's after us!" I shout, and the beast immediately leaps again, forcing me to cartwheel to the side. The monster crashes into the far wall, but instantly recovers, leaping at me once more, but as I move to dodge, it swings its tail in interception, and sends me flying into the wall, leaving a crater in my general shape embedded in it. Finally the beast approaches me, stalking on all fours like a big, twisted cat, and it stops short of me, opening its great, empty maw to finish me off. But as I await the end, it never comes, for as it moves to strike, Luna suddenly leaps on the demonic horror's neck, causing it to reel back, screeching in shock, and the beast thrashes with a fury Tartarus hath no knowledge of. But Luna grips tighter, causing the beast to attempt her removal by slamming into walls, until, at last, Luna falls, and the fell aberration crushes her with it's boot-like foot, and I feel something within me snap as I hear her yelp in pain, and go silent. I feel her life force: It's not gone, but it's fading, and I quickly become angrier than I have in a long time.

Without a second thought, or even a first one, I grab my lance, sped up to the dragon-like behemoth, and thrust as it turns its head to me. The lance strikes home, piercing the foul beast's forehead, and the lights that were it's eyes vanish as it reels back in pain, screeching and wailing in dismay as it thrashes about, it's attempts to remove the lance ending in utter futility. But as I move to pull the weapon out to strike it again, the abomination's head snaps in my direction, mouth open, and it blasts me with a column of black and white fire, pinning me to the ground as its assault continues, and I feel myself slip away into unconsciousness as the colorless blaze does it's work, sapping all my strength and vitality. But... this cannot be the end. Since this thing is barely alive, and certainly is no longer Malideus, I don't have to hold back. Mustering what little strength I have, I raise my golden shield, and block the column of monochromatic fire, and I push, push the column back to the creature's widening maw, and I then slide to the right, grab one of the fell demon's horns, and lift myself onto it's head. The horrible creature bucks and thrashes with all it's might, desperately trying to remove me from its head like with Luna, but I cling on, using the monster's scales as leverage, and I reach for the lance, but it's too far. The beast soon takes advantage of my dismay, however, and finally bucks me off. I hit the coin-littered ground with a solid smack, and the blow leaves me dazed, only able to dodge it's armored foot as it slammed it down, trying to crush me like it did Luna. Then, as I roll, the beast takes the lance out of its head, and tosses it at a wall, where it bounces off, and lands so close to me, and yet so far away. I want to crawl after my weapon, but soon, I have no more energy, and I lay there, broken and defeated. Is this what Malideus truly was, in the end? This horrible, monstrous demon? If so, I think I prefer the wizard, myself. But, it does not matter, now. His demon has won, and now I'm going to die, along with my sister.

The beast paces around us for a while, like a staking shark, and soon comes up to me, maw open, and ready to consume me. But, before it does, I see it's made one final folly: The demon, in its haste, accidentally kicked the lance closer to me. It growls at me with an open mouth, preparing to strike, but before it does, I roll one last time with the final sputter of my energy, grab the lance, and as the demon rears its head for another strike, I put the lance in front of me, and the creature obliviously strikes, and a sick, wet crunch is heard as the lance pierces the roof of its mouth, and the monster suddenly rears back, flailing and roaring in pain and anger as black ichor oozes from its final wound. Soon, however, the loss is too much, and the creature slows its movements, its black shell turning grey, then white, and the creature stops, and proceeds to crumble to dust before my eyes, leaving an ashen pile where it once stood, and, upon it, Malideus, once more unconscious. But, he soon gets up, and shakes his head, looking at us as if this was the first time he'd seen us. However, I do not get to dwell on this, as I feel my own vision fade... and I slip into unconsciousness, leaving my self at the mercy of the foul wizard.

Author's Note

Kay, Chapter's done, it's finally here. So, Is malideus going to kill the two, or leave them for dead? Or will he show a bit more mercy, now that his true inner voice is back? In the end, We'll just have to see.

So, you guys wanted lore, right? Here's some suggested to me and some I made myself, now official old gods:

Raggoth: Old god of anger, hatred, and wrath, and seen as a patron of war. He is, as you can guess, always angry, all the time. On a regular basis, he seeks out people who piss him off the most and shoves flagpoles up their asses, his voice is on constant caps lock, and evildoing, ponies, and raisin cookies make him even angrier. He has no allies, only enemies, especially his even-angrier daughter, Raeg. Like with everyone else, he hates Malideus with a screaming passion, and only ignores him because even THINKING about the heretical wizard would cause his head to explode, which would make him very, very upset indeed.

Luft: Old goddess of wind and air, and mother of Gotag-Maw. Luft is a gentle goddess normally, but can become quite irate very easily, usually with disastrous results. Like the wind, she tends to not keep a constant form, but can be physically powerful in her own right. She disagrees greatly with Goblada, and frowns upon Malideus's actions, though she sees no reason to interfere with him. Her allies are Klein, Moebius, Nielk, Gotag-Maw, Kherrie (sometimes), Mundas, Old god of normality, peace, and harmony, and Effie Tana, 'new' old goddess of fire and honor. She usually appears to mortals as some kind of bird, though will assume larger forms for more dangerous situations.

Mundas: Old god of harmony and peace, and keeper of the flame of society. He is quite peaceful, and sees the ponies as his favorite subjects, having given them the blessing of civilization first. He sees the ponies as his children, and the actions of Malideus frankly appall him and cause him great pain. He usually appears as a large, well-fed pony in a large robe adorned with pearls and amethysts. He is Luft's greatest ally and lover, and is also allies with Klein and Kragda-Maul, but is bitter enemies with Shoggoth, Kherrie, Ne-Gok-Sa, Su-Bak-Na, Keenok, and Tyrranax.

Shoggoth: 'new' old god of mindless destruction and self-indulgence. He is considered gluttony and sin incarnate, and often indulges himself in food and entertainment in the form of causing physical torment upon mortals. Amazingly enough, he is descended from Ragnek, born from a curse the old god declared before being banished to Tartarus. Shoggoth despises mortals and old gods alike, and therefor has no allies. However, he sees Malideus as a promising individual, and may help him when it isn't inconvenient for the old god.

Su-Bak-Na: Old god of pride, honor, and strength of body, character, heart and mind, and brother of Ne-Gok-Sa, old god of evil, deceit and treachery. Su-Bak-Na is the most chivalrous and honorable of the old gods, and has passed this trait to his sons, Shao-Ta and Ku-Sol-Gat. His daughter Phillia, however, is a meek, shy, and weak child that continues to disappoint him. Su-Bak-Na himself is the epitome of the ideal warrior: Chivalrous, honorable in and outside of combat, and strong in body, heart, and mind. He is, however, quite judgmental, and dislikes thieves, liars and politicians. He has mixed feelings about Malideus, liking him for his courage, combat prowess,and unflinching belief in his ideals, but disliking him for said ideals, and the manner in which he executes them. Su-Bak-Na takes the form of a muscular, yet scantilly-armored male humanoid, his armor covering his waist, legs, and right shoulder, with a massive blade for a left arm. However, his physical form lacks a face, for unknown symbolic reasons. His allies are many, as almost every old god finds him agreeable, though he does have a few powerful enemies, including Mundas, Ne-Gok-Sa, Kragda-Maul, and Shoggoth.

Effie Tana: 'New' old goddess of fire, honesty, and passion, Effie sees herself as the light in the dark of the world, revealing lies and tricks and destroying them respectively. Kherrie has been a long-time friend of hers, seeing as their youths were quite similar (Effie Tana being born of Kraul, old god of earthquakes and volcanoes), and she respects her decision to be with Malideus, though Effie herself doesn't trust the dark, destructive wizard. Effie Tana was once an extremely powerful individual, but, like Kherrie, she lost most of her strength in a fight with a powerful being. However, Effie was far more unfortunate than Kherrie, for her opponent was Grand Nightmare Tyrranax. Tyrranax of course won the fight, and upon winning, he traumatized Effie by stealing her power and then violating her in her weakened state. As a result, Effie is extremely cautious and distrustful, but extremely passionate and very kindhearted, choosing the company of kinder mortals and old gods over the company of stronger ones, for obvious reasons, and her new, weakened form is a fiery female humanoid in a long, ethereal dress of sorts, with a ruby embedded into her upper chest and forehead. Her allies are Kherrie, Luft, Ne-Gok-Sa, and Gotag-Maw, but she avoids old gods like Yaw-Gammoth, Su-Bak-Na, Keenok, Kragda-Maul, and, most especially, Tyrranax. Furthermore, she sees the old gods Klein and Goblada as respected father figures, and gives them utmost respect above all else.

Wahr Seher: Old god of the pain of wisdom and price of knowledge, he is considered the second oldest and wisest of the old gods, the first being Ragnek, old god of endings and inevitability. However, he is also considered the most cynical as well, for his views of life are quite shallow and pessimistic. He supposedly knows everything about everything, even the exact moment, place, and circumstances of his own death. Wahr Seher is neutral towards all beings, be they mortals or old gods, and has no allies or enemies. Wahr Seher also bears the bloody quill of knowledge, which is said to be an artifact that can grant the bearer infinite knowledge at the price of their sanity, or infinite inspiration at the price of their humanity. Wahr Seher currently searches for a mortal worthy of bearing the quill, as he calmly awaits the final hour of his long existence. He has only one child: a daughter, the youngest of all old gods, original or 'new': Lumi, 'new' old goddess of inspiration and fate. Wahr Seher currently gives very little thought on the subject of Malideus, only that he seems to frustrate his daughter quite a bit, with him being 'fateless' and all, but isn't a suitable candidate to be his successor, and is therefor of no concern to him.

Kaijurax: 'New' old god of calamity and disaster. Not to be confused with Keenok, for these two are completely different entities. Unlike most old gods, Kaijurax is extremely active, and prefers to act within his charge on the mortal plane, actively destroying entire cities in his wake. He has been easily subdued by Celestia multiple times throughout the years, but due to his unusual spiritual structure, she has never been able to seal his power or take it from him, thus leaving him as a constant worldly threat to society. Kaijurax always appears as a giant beast of some kind, usually an armored reptilian biped at least four hundred stories tall, with an axe-like tail, a blade-like crest on his head, and plated, shovel-like claws. Truly, he is the most well-known and destructive of the old gods, second only to Ragnek himself. His thoughts on mortals are bleak at best, and his thoughts on Malideus are no different. He currently has no allies, though he seems to listen to and respect Goblada. Other than that, he has a weakness to music, and is easily lulled to sleep by it.

Djiin-Gytaxes: Old god of discovery and ambition. The ultimate scientist; if there is anything he doesn't know, there is nothing he won't do to obtain it. This old god has absolutely no morals, and will use anything and anyone to get what he wants, even the princesses, who are no match for his power and cunning. No secret eludes him, even immortality, though he has yet to get the final ingredient to make him eternal: an Alicorn horn, extracted during a traumatic (for said alicorn) event, such as torture. Unfortunately, his ruthless ways have deprived him the opportunity to make any allies, though he and Klein have an 'understanding'. He also bears little respect for mortals, but will grant wishes to those who serve him. He seems to be interested in Malideus's exploits, and though he does not interfere with his daily life, he is constantly monitoring and studying him.

Pocket sand: Old god of fuck all. You don't need to know about him, and you frankly don't WANT to know, either. He simply is, and everyone accepts that.

Well, that's the lore so far. If you want me to add some of yours or elaborate on some of the ones you've seen before, just say so. Peace out, heathens.

Ch.26: Champion of scrub-eating and Casul-bashing, I summon thee, come, Giantdad!

"Ugh... What... Where am I..." I mutter, shaking my head as agony rips through it like a tidal wave, smashing my poor brain and... bones? What the hell, why do my bones hurt? Why am I on a pile of ash? Why does it feel like someone stabbed my head? WHY AM I NOT GETTING ANSWERS!?

"Uhhhn..." I suddenly hear a voice moan, interrupting my mental rant, and I see a figure turn to it's side, revealing the character to be... Celestia? Luna, too? Immediately, I get scared as I see them, at first thinking them about to attack, but my fear is soon replaced by curiosity as I see them simply lay there, near-unconscious and broken. Hell, Luna looks like something giant stepped on her. What the hell happened here? Better yet, where the hell IS 'here', some kind of vault? That's pretty much all I get from the look of the room and the coins and gems littering the ground. Eager to receive answers, and not patient due to the aching pain I was in, I walk up to Celestia's broken, unconscious body, and prod it a couple times to see if the princess yet lives.

"Celestia... Celestia? You okay?" I ask loudly, but I only get a soft groan from her in response, and I figure out quickly that she is, indeed, unconscious, and that she's holding on to something for dear life. What could she be guarding so fiercely..? Well, I have to know. So, I turn the princess of the sun over with both my hands, careful not to damage her clearly-broken body further, and she groans suddenly, but turns easily as I push her over, revealing, in her hands... My staff!?

"My staff! What in the world... What is she doing with this!?... Wait..." I mutter loudly, squinting my eyes as a vague memory shifts slowly into mental view. I think... I was captured, again, but that doesn't shock me. I met some bitch along the way... and a hobo... woke up Luna, I think... and I remember wanting my staff back from Celestia. After that, my memory hits a wall. But before I could strain my brain further, I hear a loud groan from Celestia, and I turn to her, wondering what happened to cause this destruction.

"Well, this looks incriminating. What the hell happened here? Did I do something?" I ask to nobody in particular, when a voice sounds in my head, catching me off-guard:

"yeah, you turned into a monster and went psycho." The voice says disinterestedly, sounding like his old self once more.

"Oh, hello little voice in my head. What the fuck have you been doing while an evil presence was impersonating you?" I asked mentally, and my inner voice sighs, sounding more disappointed in itself than at me.

"It's a long story, and not one you'll want to hear. But, there is one thing I can tell you. Remember that 'Narrator' character that's been impersonating me?" My inner voice asks, prompting a response from me.

"Ummm... Yeah, I guess?" I ask more than reply.

"well, he's not so much an evil voice as he is a giant fucking abyss demon. Seriously, dude's scary. Thank's for getting rid of him like you did." My inner voice says, and I feel a little happier that he's finally appreciating my choices.

"Eh, what can I say? The Narrator's a douchebag. Personally, I'd choose you like Ash would choose Pikachu any day." I mentally reply, causing my inner voice to blush. Finally, we were on the move once more, and I made my way out of a hole in the wall that I don't know how it got there, but am not complaining about. Then, I hit the floor, and I try to find the exit to this crazy place, when I hear guards move on my position. Oh, HELL naw.

"Ain't nobody got time fo' dat!" I mutter, mildly panicking, and I look down one side of the hall, then the next, and then I run down my original choice, away from the sound of running armored hooves.

So, down the hall I run, and run, and run, but the accursed running doesn't get any quieter with distance. In fact, it just seems to get louder! Hell, I can hear them right around the corner! Oh, Bolas above, send me a way out of this horrible situation! Suddenly, interrupting my thoughts, an idea strikes me with a vengeance, and I remember an interesting spell I saw earlier.

"Summon Giantdad..." I mutter, reaching for the Oghma Infinium as I run, looking behind me to see the guards round the corner in hot pursuit of me. Shit, they're fast!

"There he is! Get him!" One shouts with a vengeance, and the guards quicken their pace, while mine decreases on account that my legs are going on strike due to all the running. Why can't my physical strength ever apply to my legs and lungs!? Why is it only my arms and chest!? Finally, as they begin to gain on me, I flip the book open, revealing the spell I wanted: vocet pater gigantis... Summon Giantdad. Then, as my legs are on the verge of complete rebellion, I stop, giving them rest, turn my body to face the interlopers, and raise my reclaimed staff into the air, beginning the chant:

"Pater gigantis, Devoratrix Casuls, te voco, auxilium!" I shout, slamming my staff down, and all the guards stop upon seeing me cast the spell, and cautiously back away. However, a second passes with no unusual happenings, and I feel my heart sink as the guards begin a cautious approach, weapons raised and ready to kill. But, just as I begin to curse my terrible luck and the guards are almost within striking distance, I feel a powerful tremor, and the guards all begin to fall over as the quake intensifies, and before me, a bright, red-colored portal opens up on the ground, and everyone, me included, stares in horror as a gargantuan, armored figure rises from the portal, his pose a gesture of prayer as he holds his massive claymore with both hands, and he finally stops rising after a second, though he still towers over all in the immediate vicinity, and words flash at the bottom of my field of vision, as with everyone else's, judging by where they're looking:

Dark Phantom Giantdad has invaded. Before I can question what this was, Giantdad proceeded to open his arms toward the cowering ponies, making the universal gesture of 'Well, what is it?', his ire able to be felt from behind his placid, metal mask, which bore the face of a bearded man who'd served in Vietnam. None of the poor ponies ran, though, and I had the luck of seeing one unfortunate pony charge the legendary behemoth of death and scrub-eating head-on, seeing his gesture as a threat. The guard swung, but, alas, he was too casul for Giantdad's awesome soul level, and his weapon merely bounced off of Giantdad's plated shin. Then, faster than lightning, Giantdad thrust his own blade, impaling the guard in the gut with his Chaos Zweihander,, and I saw others turn pale and vomit as the monstrous Phantom absorbed the unfortunate equine's humanity, and the pony's body rapidly withered and decayed under the assault, reducing him to a lifeless, emaciated husk in moments.

Upon sating his immense soul-lust with the small casul's humanity, Giantdad flung his blade to the side, flicking the hollowed corpse into a wall, and he then thrust his chest forward, causing the rest of the miniature army to back up suddenly, many tripping over others and themselves in an effort to gain distance between them and the black phantom.

"Mein gott..." I muttered aloud, but Giantdad payed me no mind, focusing instead on protecting me from the wall of guards that stood before him, causing me to realize something incredible: I just summoned Giantdad, and he's (more or less) on my side! Eat your heart out, Celestia!

"Come on, men! It's one warrior! Let's rush him, he can't take us ALL on!" The lead guard finally shouted, having found his balls once again, and the others followed suit, whimpers of fear becoming cries of defiance. I then realized that the guards meant business, and Giantdad was about to get Guard-rushed. Unfortunately for them, though, the Legend never dies. Challenging him was going to be the last mistake they ever made, and Giantdad was going to see to it that these scrubs were eaten... Though I still don't know why he hasn't just turned and stabbed ME yet, despite being an invader. Eh, maybe he hates ponies more. Anyway, so, the guards, after a moment of preparation, finally all charge Giantdad, but he pays them no mind, and casually sweeps his massive blade across the field, swatting guards aside like chaff, and the wall of noobish guards clashes into the Legend, though he does not budge, and instead pushes them back, and proceeds to swing at the broken formation, mowing the armored ponies down in rows, giving me time to run. Before I do, though, I see Giantdad turn to me as he impales a guard, give me a brief thumbs-up, and return to his kills. Holy crap, I just got complimented (I think) by Giantdad, and he didn't kill me. God, nothing can bring down my good mood now.

So, I walk down the halls, the cries and clatters of royal guards getting destroyed growing fainter as I gain distance. Celestia may have brought an army, but Giantdad will surely hold them off for a few years or so.This gives me plenty of time to find an exit, and maybe that second prisoner that that hobo was talking about. Ah, yes, today was going to be very productive, indeed.

Onward, to Nathan's point of view!

Okay... I'm here, finally. Canterlot Castle, where Malideus is surely causing abhorrent amounts of carnage within. suddenly, as if to prove my theory, a guard comes crashing out of a window from the fifteenth-or-so floor, and screaming pitifully as he falls, making it more heart-wrenching when he finally hits the ground, resulting in a icky, crunchy 'splat' as gravity turns the poor guard from an armored warrior to a giant, red stain on the ground instantly. I don't know much of Malideus, but I know that whatever he's doing up there, it must be stopped!

"I will avenge thee, random guard, along with any others who have fallen with you." I mutter, and I then kick in the doors, and proceed up the stairs, gaining momentum as I hear the clash of battle growing louder and clearer as I approach. Odd, though... wasn't Malideus a wizard? Why would he be fighting guards hand-to-hand, when he could just zap them?

"How odd. Truly, you are an odd being, Malideus..." I say to myself as I charge up the stairs, and enter a hall, at last, where the battle was taking place. However, as I approach, I notice that many voices have gone quiet, and only one remains, still defiant of his opponent as I begin to round the corner.

"You don't scare me, you giant freak! Have at you!" The voice says, but is soon cut off by a sharp gasp, and I round the corner, stopping, just in time to see him, a captain, fighting the evil... uh...

"What the fuck is THAT!?" I mutter loudly, seeing the captain held up by his throat by a warrior, but not Malideus. No, this one was far taller, maybe taller than ME, and had a metal mask resembling a bearded man over his face, as he held the pony captain by the throat easily with but one hand. All around him, the bodies of guards lay about, some eviscerated, some splattered, some reduced to emaciated shells, all laying in every death pose imaginable. Then, before I could intervene with the ongoing fight, the giant warrior stabbed the captain, causing a sharp gasp to sound from him as the gargantuan blade penetrated his armor with ease, and the cruel monster cut downward, forcing the blade to cleave the unfortunate pony's lower body in two, and the brave-but-unlucky stallion's innards proceeded to fall out of him in sick, wet slaps and 'plop's. Then, a black fog emanated from the corpse, causing the body to become emaciated like some others, and the mist was immediately absorbed by the giant behemoth with gusto. This, I admit, made me very, very angry indeed. So, without thinking, I yelled at the monster, getting it's attention as it threw the husk aside like a used rag:

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you freak!?" I bellowed, attempting to taunt the giant, but the creature swathed in red light merely opened its arms at me, as if daring, nay, COMMANDING me to 'come at him, bro'. So, against my better judgement, I charged him, swinging my axe at the vile giant in a blind attempt to fell him in one mighty swoop. My axe made contact with the beast at the waist, but had no visible effect, other than causing it to stagger. Then, before I can swing again, the massive, armored being regains posture, grips its sword, and swings at me, and I duck just as the sword arcs over my head, hitting a pillar, which immediately explodes in a shower of bits and chunks of marble. Crap, I do NOT need to get hit by that! But, I have to fight this thing, anyway. If I don't beat it, then this world will be doomed worse than anything Malideus can throw at it!

"Alright, ugly... Let's dance." I say, getting into a stance, and the giant does the same as we strafe each other, moving in a circle as we each seek out a flaw in the other's movements. Oh, lord, what have I just gotten myself into? Suddenly, the giant swings, and I manage to backpedal just in time to avoid a lethal blow, though his sword manages to clip my armor, leaving a nasty scratch across my chestpiece. Oh, thank god it's indestructible. So, as I back out, my opponent presses on again, swinging his blade at me, but I finally catch it with my axe on the fifth swing, and I take the opportunity presented to run up to the warrior, and I plant my fist in his masked face, sending the gargantuan fiend stumbling back. But as I raise my axe to finish him, he brings his sword back up, slashing my helmet in an upwards arc, and knocking it off. Then, sensing its victory, the behemoth charges me again, swinging his blade across in order to decapitate my exposed head. but I see it coming, and as I recover, I shift my pauldron to be in front of my head, and the sword strikes it, protecting my head, but the unnatural force of the swing blasts my shoulder away, sending me flying in a spiral away from the giant, and I hit the ground with a solid 'wham', completely disorienting me for a moment. Then, as I lay on the floor, the monstrous warrior approaches me, his armored boots clamoring like the bells of hell as he walks, every step another wasted moment of life as the warrior steps forward, and he finally stands over me, his emotions indiscernible from behind his golden mask. Then, he reaches down, and lifts me by my neck with ease, preparing to end me like he did those guards. I have since recovered my senses by this point, but all too late. The warrior has me, and is preparing to strike, when out of nowhere, a magic blast explodes on his back, causing him to stumble and release me, and I fall to my knees, gasping for air. God damn, that guy has a grip. What IS he, anyway!? Before I can ponder that, I see the giant turn, and face the assailants, giving me a good look at them as well. And, well, I didn't really expect who I saw. There, at the end of the hall, were the Mane Six, all posed an ready to challenge the giant that almost killed me.

"Back away from Nathan, you monster! You have ten seconds, or we WILL use force!" Twilight shouts, pointing at the glowing-red warrior. However, it pays her threat no mind, and opens his arms in that familiar gesture as he steps towards them, beckoning them to him... and his blade.

"Twilight, get out of here! This thing is too strong, even for you!" I cry weakly, but the six don't listen, and instead ready to attack the giant head-on, just like I did.

"Alright, so Mr. big-guy doesn't wanna play fair? Well let's do to him like we should've done to Malideus in the first place!" Rainbow Dash taunts, and Twilight nods grimly, and stands upright, pulling out a familiar tiara: Her element.

"Alright, girls, Elements!" Twilight yells, and the giant warrior stares at them for a moment as they pull out the Elements of Harmony... and laughs! Indeed, the giant is now holding its mask where the mouth should have been, and is shifting and bouncing as if in a fit of laughter, despite making no noise save the grinding of its armor plates as they move. It takes the six a moment to realize this, but as soon as they do, their demeanor takes a very sharp turn south.

"He's... laughing!?" Rainbow Dash asks, shocked and angry.

"How uncouth! What manner of warrior would laugh at his opponent's weapons?" Rarity demands, stomping her hoof.

"Ah think this big bully needs to be put in his place! Waddaya say, Twi?" Applejack asks, and Twilight finally nods, glaring at the armored giant before them, who had finally stopped mocking them, and held his claymore at the ready, preparing to end the six ponies that dared to oppose him.

"Alright... now!" Twilight cries, and the six begin to hover, preparing their attack, and the elements finally launch their own beams, which collide with each other, and the final, rainbow-colored beam launches at the giant warrior, catching him square in the chest. The beam holds for a second, and the giant holds a stance of one being shot up, arms out, legs braced, and back arched in a posture of agony as the attack holds, and when it ends, a sudden, white light flashes, blinding everyone, and I avert my eyes to avoid being blinded by the blast of light. After a second, I open my eyes, and look to where the black phantom stood, expecting him to have been turned to stone, or banished. But, to my horror, as well as the Mane Six's, Giantdad still remains, kneeling, but still alive.

"How..?... That should have worked!" Twilight cries, seeing the massive warrior get back up. However, he quickly stumbles as he rises, and falls onto his knees again, his energy drained.

"It did work! We have to finish him, before he gets back up!" Applejack cries, and I take the initiative, and move in for the kill.

"I got this, girls!" I yell, charging the fallen giant, and when I finally approach, raising my axe, the mighty, evil giant raise his sword, swatting my axe aside, and he stumbles upright and readies his arm, only to have Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy grab his arms, Applejack lasso his neck, and finally, Rainbow Dash tackling him from behind, knocking the struggling giant to his knees once more, and completely incapacitating him, while Rarity and Twilight grab his weapon and shield, keeping them away from the phantom as he struggles, trying his hardest to rid himself of the mares. But we have him now, and I finally ready my axe one last time, aiming for the giant's neck.

"Hey, bub! This is for scratching my armor!" I shout finally, and I swing my axe, making contact with the giant's neck. The axe then strikes home, slicing cleanly through the giant's head, but before I can have the satisfaction of watching the head fall off, the body simply fades, leaving the confiscated weapons behind. Then, as we stared at where the warrior fell, a red text flashed across my field of vision, drawing my attention to it, and by the look of the Mane Six, they saw it, too:

"Black Phantom Giantdad has been vanquished."

We stare at the text for a moment before I reach for my helmet, put it back on, and the six shake their heads, as if trying to forget the ordeal.

"Well... that was... interesting." I say, trying to lighten the mood, but the six still seem in despair, as they look at all the bodies the invader left in his wake. Clearly, they were pretty shaken about this.

"... This... this is horrible." Twilight says softly, holding a dead guard's arm, on the verge of tears.

"Who could have summoned such a monster..?" Fluttershy asks, and Rainbow dash quickly responds:

"It's Malideus! It's ALWAYS been him! Nopony else could manage this much death with a straight face like he does!" She shouts, slamming her hoof down. The six then proceed to mourn in silence, until Twilight looks at me, tears in her eyes.

"Nathan... we never should have dragged you into this. We're sorry you have to witness this... and if you want to leave, we understand." Twilight says, looking down, but I grip her shoulder, and try to smile, despite my helmet covering my face.

"I'm not going anywhere, Princess. I've seen the wizard myself, and I want him defeated as much as you do..." I say, then I turn to the royal vaults, gazing at the giant hole in the door. The six seem to catch where I'm looking, and they look, too, knowing that the princesses are in there, needing help.

"...What do you say we help the princesses up, and get them to the infirmary?" I finally ask, but Twilight shakes her head, a grim look on her face.

"You go ahead and help them, Nathan. But right now, my duty is making that wizard pay. Nathan, help Celestia and Luna, and get them to the medical wing. I'm going to finish what I should have done a long time ago." Twilight says, moving away from me, and the remaining five casting pitying glances at me, sensing my distress. Okay, so, the six aren't as fun anymore as they used to be. Still, I can at least save the princesses... Ugh, you'd think being transported to Equestria would be fun... until you end up realizing that, no matter where you go, sad reality will always find you. They say this land used to be fun and carefree, until Malideus put them on the losing side of a war they never wanted. In short... he brought the real world with him, a world these ponies didn't need, or want.

"Why, why must reality follow me wherever I go..?" I mutter sadly, trudging to the royal vaults, to save the princesses.

Malideus, once more.

Okay, I've been walking for a while, but I have no idea where I am. I woke up inside a vault of some kind, but I don't know how I got there. So, without any discernible landmarks to go off of, I'm left aimlessly wandering this blindingly white, pompous castle. Still, at least Giantdad is holding off those...

"Black Phantom Giantdad has been vanquished." a little text popped up in my field of vision, and I stopped dead, still trying to register what it meant. However, if this meant what I think it did, then I needed a way out of this crazy palace, and fast.

"I... what..?" I muttered weakly, trying to register the meaning of this. What the hell, I thought the legend never dies?!

"That's only a meme. Naturally, anyone can slay Giantdad, with the right attributes and apparel. Still, I don't really know anyone with the right build to counter him, much less defeat him." My inner voice ponders, and I begin to sweat visibly at the thought of anyone who could return Giantdad to his own world without dying themselves.

"Oh god, this isn't good. I need a way out, now!" I say, panicking, and I speed up my walk as I scout out the halls, following the trail of destruction I supposedly left when I berserked. Ugh, why can I never be conscious for that? I would kill to see just what it is that these pests are so damn afraid of. Finally, as I finish following the trail, I reach the royal rooms, though I have no idea why I'm here. Maybe if I jump, and use my robe as a parachute..?

"Wait, you were here before, right? Just retrace your steps, and find those stairs you refused to climb up!" My most-helpful inner voice says, and I sigh, knowing that it was going to come to this eventually. I couldn't crawl out the window again, that would be death, and there was no elevator anywhere, to my chagrin. So, sighing, I proceed to retrace my steps back to the horrible stairs that led to the main floor, and took a moment to stare at them in distrust. I guess, in the end, I have to do this. Well, here goes nothing... Wait, what's that noise..?

"Don't move, Wizard!" Shouts a feminine voice behind me, prompting me to turn my head, and, alas, I get to see princess Sparkle and her lackeys, oddly, though, her newest one, Nathan, seems to be missing. "Stay... Right... There. Move, and we will kill you." Twilight says, readying her magic, and her friends have their own weapons drawn, ready to take me.

"Well, this day seems to have a thing against good moods." I say mentally, getting ready to finally vaporize the seven jerks in front of me.

"Alright, you have nowhere to go, Malideus. Drop your staff, or we'll destroy you. Got it?" Twilight demands, causing my mood to drop further into disappointment at today. But before I can retort, my inner voice interrupts me, voicing an idea as we stood, dead still, and dead silent.

"Wait, Chris! I got an idea!" My inner voice says.

"Really? What is it?" I ask, my hopes growing that this was going to get me out.

"Alright, here's the plan. You turn yourself in, and let them lead you to the dungeons, or the courtyard. Once in familiar territory, we can smack these six around, grab our staff back, and escape! It's brilliant!" My inner voice says, but I seriously don't like that plan, like, at all.

"Are you NUTS!? If I give up my staff again, I'll be stuck here for even longer! I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be! Screw this, I'm taking the stairs." I mentally retort, but my voice butts in, pleading his case.

"Listen here, you ninny! This is your one chance at really escaping once and for all! If you resist or vaporize them, you'll lose any sympathy the princess has for you!" My inner voice chides.

"The princess had sympathy for me? Please tell me you're joking." I reply, causing my inner voice to fume.

"It's not a joke! Look at everything you've been through! Every time Celestia was involved, she always gave you another chance. Hell, even when she dragged you here, she allowed you to be spared if you gave up! She knows that there's something really wrong with you, and is willing to look past it JUST FOR YOU!" My inner voice finally rants, and I realize: He's kinda right.But that's the weakness I'm trying to cull! I can't let her go around sparing criminals like this!... But, then again, if I die here, I guess I have people back at the cave who'd miss me... not really a fact I feel used to. But still, I guess I'm obligated to return to them safely, one way or another. I do kinda miss Mizzy, I guess... God, now I'M weak. I need to stop getting pony blood on me: I'm starting to contract their naivete.

"... Fine. I'll submit... barely." I resign aloud, causing suspicious looks from the six mares before me.

"... Um, well... Okay... That was easy." Twilight says cautiously, looking around suspiciously, as if she suspected an ambush.

"Don't push your luck, Horse. You don't know how far it'll go." I say at last, submitting myself to the six. Then, as per protocol, I'm led down the cursed stairs at spell point, but as we reach the bottom, Twilight grabs at my staff, trying to remove it.

"Hand over the weapon, Malideus!" She says, tugging at it cautiously, but I growl, wrenching it away from her hands.

"I said not to press your luck, kid." I growl ominously, and none of them, even Twilight, dare to remove my staff again, obviously afraid of its power. Still, they surround me, staying out of my immediate reach, but remaining close enough to stop me from casting any spells as they lead me to the dungeons. Well, phase one of my escape is complete: Now to actually escape.

Meanwhile, Back at the cave...

"I told you, he'll be back! He probably just got caught again, or something. He'll be out by tomorrow." Mizzy says, chastising Stargazer, who'd recently proposed a change in management. Particularly, himself.

"Yes, exactly! This is the third time they caught him! And with those wards around the city, he's not going to get out! Face it, Mizzietta, we need a competent, efficient leader for this little movement! A lot of the inner circle agree with me, why do you still cling to him!?" Stargazer asks, his normally-calm nature distorted by obvious anger.

"Because, you have a few allies, even if they ARE Mal's inner circle. But Kelias has outright TOLD you to piss off, and only HE controls the devils, which, by the way, vastly outnumber your little coup here. So, I suggest you just hold your horses, before this gets really ugly for you." Mizzietta says threateningly, and the two continue to be at odds with one another, until, at last, Stargazer backs down, his dignity wounded, but not dead.

"You don't know what you're getting into, Mizzietta. You may be a relative of a dragon god, or whatever, but you will not stop this. There needs to be a change here if this is going to work, and you clinging to Malideus like a lost puppy is only going to slow us down!" Stargazer finally shouts, and he marches out of the cave, his loyal in tow: Xenia, Otsuna, Kitsune, Flitterfeather, and Ramatozs.

"... Ugh, come on, Malideus, PLEASE don't die on me now." Mizzy says, as she lays on her hoard.

Back to Malideus.

So, here I am, captive of six ponies, and I still don't feel like I could give any more of a shit. Just another day in the life of me, I suppose. Finally, we reach a cell, and the six, while still surrounding me, open and unlock the door, and stand there, expecting me to go in. So, after a while of standing still, one of them speaks up.

"Well?" Twilight asks, drawing my bored gaze to her.

"Well what?" I retort, infuriating her visibly.

"Get in the cell already, we don't have time for this!" Rainbow Dash blurts in, shoving me into the cell, and then Twilight racks up the nerve to try and take my staff again. After a brief struggle, though, she succeeds, and tosses it to the far side of the room, way out of my reach.

"Now stay here, Wizard. We have something special planned for you later, so we'll be back after we send this other demon back to Tartarus." Twilight quickly says, and before I can ask what she meant by 'something special', the six lock the cage and leave me, all alone, in a dark, depressing prison cell. Oh well, I still have a plan. I'll just burn the lock off again and escape. What's so hard about that? So, as I walk toward the door, igniting my gauntlet's fingertip, I hear a soft noise, and see a figure speed off to my right, just outside my cell, causing me to stop and look around.

"...Okaaaay... This isn't creepy at all..." I mutter, and I return to the lock, only to hear a soft 'ahem' right in front of me, causing me to leap back in shock, and into some odd scratches in the wall. As I look up, I expect to see a guard before my cell door, but instead it's... a changeling... a familiar one, at that.

"... Whip..?" I ask, blinking any debris from my eyes to see if I'm seeing right. Indeed, as I finish, I see the quirky changeling, though she still wears a bored, cynical expression on her face, like nothing makes her happy.

"Hello, boss. I see you're doing well?" Whip asks, aggravating me. What the hell is her problem? What'd I do!?

"Okay, whip, the personality change was cute and fun the first time, but it's grating my nerves now! How the hell did you even get in here, anyway? The city's got wards all over!" I say, and Whip shrugs, pointing to the door.

"I just followed you, I guess." She says, still with the snarky attitude.

"Ugh, I guess it can't be helped, then. You gonna help me out, or not? Because I have a perfectly viable escape plan if you're not." I retort, getting up off of the odd scratch marks in the wall, which seem to be getting warmer for some reason... and they're glowing. Weird. Ah, probably just a trick of the light.

"Actually, boss, I was just about to free you. But, if you have a good plan, then by all means, go for it. I want to see this." Whip says, and, in an act of defiance, I grab the lock, and my anger alone melts it off, causing the door to creak open, and leaving Whip looking like she'd seen a ghost.

"... Well, it certainly is viable..." Whip says, and I walk past her, looking side to side for guards, then turning to the changeling, and finally expressing something that I've been feeling since I first saw her today, in the H.O.U.N.D.

"Alright, Whip, what the fuck is up with you? You're acting like a goddamned teenager!" I say, glaring at the rambunctious changeling before me. However, she only shrugs, grieving me further.

"I dunno, boss, I thought you knew everything?" Whip says, and I suddenly realize something: Even in our most dire, nerve-wracking situations, Whip never calls ANYONE 'boss', especially not me. This sudden change in attitude, in language, in personality... it's like I'm talking to an entirely different person altogether... Hmm, Can changelings impersonate one another? I don't know... So I'm gonna test something. Suddenly, 'Whip' catches my suspicious glare, and shifts uncomfortably at my scrutiny, adding to my suspicions.

"Hey... Boss? You okay?" The changeling asks, and I begin my test.

"Yes... but I have to know, 'Whip', How's Mizzy at the cave?" I ask.

"Oh, uh, He's fine." The impostor says, getting the first question wrong. God, I'm good at this.

"Wrong answer." I say, looming over the faker menacingly, though she doesn't seem scared. In fact, she seems rather amused now that she's done being surprised.

"... Hmph, I wondered when you'd finally get it. Took you long enough, too. For a wizard, you really aren't that bright." the impostor says, and in a puff of smoke, there, in front of me, is...

"You..." I growl, hovering over the familiar, purple-eyed creature that stood before me. A pooka, and a familiar one: Kinua.

"Yep. It's me. So, guess you're pretty confused about why I'm here, right?" Kinua asks, and I almost threaten to destroy her if she doesn't leave, but my curiosity gets the better of me, and I sigh, resigning to it.

"Yes, I'm VERY curious as to why you're here. Isn't Virgil looking for you?" I ask, and Kinua almost cracks a grin, but ultimately remains stoic.

"Hmph, as if he'd care where I was. I'm pretty much dead to him." Kinua says flatly, but I decide not to touch that subject, for fear of accidentally making her fall in love with me, or something. Speaking of which, why is she following me?

"Okay, that's sad and all, but why are you following ME?" I ask, and Kinua shrugs, looking at the door.

"You seemed like a cool guy to hang around. So, I disguised myself as one of your inner circle, and followed you around for a while. As for the barrier, that was easy. I'm not technically 'evil' in their sense, so it doesn't affect me. So, now you know. Satisfied?" Kinua says, and I suddenly feel too mentally drained to be angry at her bullshit right now, so I sigh, rubbing my helmet, and I reply to her as calmly as I can:

"Okay, we'll discuss this later. Right now, I need to know how many guards are outside the dungeons right now." I say, and Kinua, for the first time I've seen her, laughs. I'll admit this now, while I'm too tired to regret it: It was kind of cute, like the giggle of a child. Still, she busts a gut, and the looks at me, still smiling, before replying:

"There ARE no more guards. That thing you summoned killed them all!" She says, and I reel back, shocked.

"He did?! Then what could have..." My sentence is then interrupted by another of Kinua's chuckles.

"Nah, I kid. There's only five out there right now, and they don't look very attentive. I bet you could sneak out of here, no problem." Kinua says, and for once, I don't feel like strangling her whilst shouting 'Why you little!'.

"Hmm... Well, that's convenient, I guess. Come on, then, let's get out of here, before the Elements of Naivete come back." I say, and Kinua shrugs again, and I follows me as I grab my staff, and head out the door. As I exit, the guards turn as I open the door, but I freeze them solid before they can react further, and I proceed along the route, to the main gate, When Kinua stops me.

"You know, Mal, Celestia and Luna are BOTH in the infirmary... I'd say, if there was ever a time to launch a REAL blow to the ponies, It'd be while they were as weak as this... and possibly in the form of kidnapping." Kinua says persuasively, and I begin to ponder my options, seeing both sides to this. Yeah, I don't trust Kinua, but as an old saying goes: The wise always keep an ear open to the whispers of power. Ah, MTG for the win. So, my ears are open, and so far, neither they nor my brain find anything wrong with the plan presented to us. With the princesses kidnapped, I can easily do many, many things to them while holding them in the foundry... None of them dirty! Stop putting those thoughts in your heads, you perverted freaks! I meant like extracting power from them, or gathering info, or even holding them ransom and selling them to the highest bidder... After I took their power from them, of course. Finally, the thoughts in my head, I make up my mind, and decide to get some help from the cave. First, I need someone to free that demon those six pests were talking about, and then I need someone to... wait, what's that rumbling?

"Kinua..? W-what's g-oing on-n-n???" I say shakily, as the ground trembles like when I summoned Giantdad.

"I-I d-d-don't kno-o-ow! It's l-like the c-c-castle's f-falling ap-p-part!" Kinua replies, trying to keep her balance. Then, finally, the shaking stops, and two white portals open up, revealing two odd figures: A representation of what the Green goblin would look like as a samurai rises from one portal, and an odd, orange-masked figure arises from the other, making a Y-shape with his body all the while. Finally, the two rise from the portal, and Kinua has turned invisible, obviously threatened by the two before us. We stare for a while, and suddenly, the orange-masked one of them lifts his leg up, and farts rather loudly, completely ruining the tension-filled moment.

"Dude, don't fart in front of some bloody wog!" The green goblin of japan says, scolding his odd friend, and I have no idea what a 'Wog' is, but I immediately take it as an insult, and lose my fear of these two immediately.

"Who're you callin' a wog, you freak? And where the hell did you two come from?" I ask, glaring at the two, but they seem unfazed, and in fact, began to become enthusiastic about... something, I dunno.

"Sempai, should we introduce ourselves?" The orange-masked one asks, bouncing with joy, and the other merely shrugs.

"Why not?" the green one says, and the first one bounds over to me instantly, shaking my hand with gusto, much to my confusion.

"Hello! I'm Tobi! And this is Yoshimitsu! We're from another Equestria. What do you need help with? Oh, we should give him the Chakra power! After help, though. We can definitely do that." The odd, masked ninja who called himself 'Tobi' says, still shaking my hand with both of his, reminding me of my least favorite character in cartoon history: Pinky Pie. Suddenly, the green goblin-looking one, 'Yoshisomething-or-other, nods, and speaks in a deep, rumbling voice:

"State your business, and we'll help you however we can." Green ninja says, and I look to my side, then to them, and state my confusion.

"Business? What business? I was doing just fine before you two showed up!" I say, but then, I get a brilliant idea: These two looked like ninja, and ninja are sneaky and stuff! So naturally, if I use these two to free that demon and create the diversion, I'll een be able to save myself a trip to the cave! GENIUS! So, immediately after my first sentence, I instantly begin to hire them with a new one.

"... But now that you two are here, I guess I could have a use for you. You two know where the Canterlot dungeons are?" I ask, remembering them talk about being from 'another Equestria'. Now, I normally wouldn't believe in that 'different instances of the same universe' mumbo-jumbo, but I've seen a lot of crazy shit before, so this really isn't that hard to accept right now. Hell, it might even prove useful. Finally, after some pondering, Yoshimantzu answers:

"Yes. Why, did you drop the soap?" He replies, stunning me. Uh, what? Then, the other nodded in agreement, replying:

"He might have. Yanks are into that, right?" Tobi aks, and I feel compelled to stop this conversation here and leave it at that, but I feel too confused, so I hit them with the first thing that comes to my head:

"Uh, I take that as a 'no', then..?" I ask, slightly... okay, ABSOLUTELY out of it. Suddenly, Yoshifuscius waves his hand at me dismissively, rolling his head, and retorts:

"Of course we know where it is, It's where we summoned our buddy, sunbro." He says, provoking a confused look from me. 'Sunbro'? Could he really mean... he summoned Solaire down there!?

"Speaking of sunbro, you probably haven't met him yet. He's pretty cool." Tobi says, and then jumps at me again, causing me to inch backwards a bit in mild terror. "So, how can we help you out this fine morning?" He finishes, but before I can say anything, Yoshimiku holds out a hand dramatically, and retorts to his friend:

It might not be morning. It could be afternoon." The odd ninja says, and I try to speak up, but the orange one interrupts before I can get their attention.

Very true, Sempai." Tobi says, and as soon as I was positive they were done talking, I shift slightly in discomfort, and begin to speak my mind:

"Yessss... Well, if you two REALLY want to help, I guess I need someone freed from the dungeons. You two are familiar with breakouts, right?" I ask, pacing as my eagerness to be rid of the two lunatics before me increased with each passing moment. Finally, after some chin-scratching, Tobi finally replies:

"Yep." Good god, never have I felt so relieved at a statement in my life.

"Well, Naturally, we ARE ninja, after all. Who do you want free, and where are they?" Asks Yoshimako enthusiastically, sweeling with pride. Then, Tobi chimes in:

"Maybe THEY dropped the soap." Tobi says nonchalantly, and I mentally facepalm at the retardedness of this situation. God, I'd rather deal with Kinua than these two right now. Suddenly, Yoshimaero shrugs, and speaks in response to his ninja friend:

"From what I hear, they don't even provide soap in pony prisons. It encourages those kinds of scenarios." He says flatly, and before I can speak, Tobi chimes in, to my infinite chagrin, covering his mask where his mouth would be.

"But... it isn't prison drama without soap! Where would the fanservice be!?" Tobi gasps, pouting visibly. Bolas above, if they say 'soap' ONE MORE GOD-DAMNED TIME...

"The police, obviously." Yoshimittens says at last, and I finally lose my temper on the two, smacking them upside the head to get their attention so I cold get this done before next year. And so, apart from a couple 'ow's, they finally were silent, and I began.

"Hey, focus! Yes, I need a breakout to happen, but in the conventional sense: I don't need someBODY broken out, but more like someTHING. There's a demon down there that I need free, and if you two do this, then, uh, I guess I'll reward you or something. Can you do this, you know, without screwing up? Because the last phantom I summoned did just that." I rant at them, and they both mumble, still rubbing their heads where I smacked them, and replied:

"Ow... okay, we can do that. Hold on a moment." Tobi says, and he summons a camera out of freaking nowhere, and before I can jump, he presses the button, and takes a picture of me. Say, pooka don't show up on cameras, do they?... Nah, probably not.

"Okay, what was that about?" I ask, regaining my posture as I blink the stars out of my eyes.

"Just taking a picture, to commemorate our partnership!" Yoshimina explains hastily, putting the camera away. "Now, a demon'll be easy to find, thanks for that. Also, one more thing, are you a brogre? That's important." he says last, and I hesitate a moment in thought. 'Brogre'? does he mean those guys who worship Shrek? Well, it's better than ponies, and it was funny, once upon a time, but I don't think...

"Shrek is love, Shrek is life." Tobi chants, interrupting my thoughts. Oh, god, that chant... If they even THINK about doing it...

Suddenly, interrupting me once more, the two began chanting the Brogre chant, stalking toward me slowly like deranged cultists, and I swear I heard Kinua start giggling at me, enticing me to end this the best way I knew how: agreeing to anything they say.

"OKAY, STOP THAT!!!" I shout, losing my cool, and I feel everyone, even Kinua, though she's still invisible, jump away from me. Then, I try to cool down a second, and continue.
"Fine, I'll be a Brogre, or whatever. just get the damned demon free!" I command, and the two salute like Nazis, postures stiff and militant.

"HEIL HITLER!" they both finally shouted, and then the vanished into the ground, hopefully to accomplish their assigned tasks. Now, on to more pressing matters: getting up the stairs.

"Come on, Kinua, if you're gonna follow me around, you're carrying Luna." I say, and Kinua sighs, becoming visible once more, and follows me up the steps. Yeah, I'm over my fear of stairs now. Frankly, I think it got blown out of the water by the newfound fear of those two. And so, we begin our descent, unknowing of what lay ahead, and frankly not really caring.

Nathan's point of view... is worst, but people want to see it, so here it is.

Finally, after at least an hour of carrying these two down the stairs, and into the infirmary, I gave them over to the medics, who seemed less than surprised that this had happened. After all, there was a psychopath loose in the castle, and there was nothing that could be done to prevent such injury from occurring. Still, it doesn't make any sense. If Malideus has his staff, why isn't he leaving? Already, in less than a day, he brought a full-scale war into the heart of Canterlot itself, and was likely going to destroy the castle now that he had it back.

"Ugh, this is pitiful... Already, a peaceful day has degraded into a slugfest, and I'm powerless to stop it... But what am I if I don't try?" I ponder, thinking of my next course of action. Well, it sure didn't take very long, because withing moments, I remember what I was brought to this world to do: Protect Equestria from Malideus. And right now, Equestria rested with the Princesses' well-being. If I am to defend Equestria, I must protect the princesses until Malideus leaves, and I will stand at the entrance of this room until he does.

"Worry not, O princesses of the sun and moon, I will protect you until my dying breath!" I say chivalrously to the unconcious princesses, which sounds pretty crazy, but I guess I was just assuring myself more than anyone else. Besides, who's going to hear me? So, without further ado, I march to the door, and stand firm guard, maintaining constant vigilance of the hall before me. Yup, nothing was gonna sneak past me! Nothing at all!

"Yep, Nothing will ever get past... huh?" I mutter as I hear a sharp drilling noise, and turn to see... The green goblin, drilling himself through the floor? What the..?

"Ummm..." I mutter in confusion, staring at the green, armored figure... and then he sits down on the same bed as Celestia, and draws his blade. Okay, he's hostile. Charging time!

"Halt, whoever you are! Step away from the princess!" I shout, getting the intruder's attention. However, he just waves at me, and makes a quick remark:

"Wow, you're a tall one." The green... thing says, waving still. Finally, he stops, and I shift my boot, ready to charge him, but he says something that makes me stop dead in my tracks. "Hey, bro, if you charge, you're just going to hit her." The green warrior says, still staring at Celestia's chest. Jeez, what a perv. So, we stand in silence for a bit, when he speaks again:

"You know, I don't kill those who are unconscious, unless I'm paid to do so." The warrior says, and I calm down slightly, but I still remain horrified at the statement.

"You would kill the princesses if ordered!?" I ask, mortified at the notion, but the odd creature before me does nothing except nod.

"As a ninja, it is inevitable. The guards got in the way of my objective, I was bored, and I have no specific orders. What else would I do, pass up the opportunity to stare at boobs? It's been a boring visit so far. Well, apart from the murder." The green demon says, and I feel myself tense at his obvious disregard for life. I then unsheathe my battleaxe, and prepare to attack, but the demon simply shakes his head at me, and reminds me of why I stood still before.

"Please, I can dodge you, but can you be sure of not hitting her?" he asks, and I lower my battle axe, but do not take my eyes off him.

"You say you are a ninja, right?" I ask, remembering all that I know about ninja, the foremost thing being their pride and honor. "I don't particularly like ninjas, but I know they don't serve just anyone, either. Who sent you?" I ask, already pretty sure I knew who it was.

"Shrek." The guy says, and I then realize that he's either a total loony, or he's lying. Also, this gives him away as a human like me: What other race would use 'Shrek' as an excuse like that?

"... What?" I ask, not pleased with the ninja's answer.

"Let me explain: I was nine years old. I loved Shrek. I had all the movies and merchandise. Every night, I prayed to Shrek, thanking him for the life I had been given. Shrek is love, I’d say, Shrek is life-” Okay, I've had enough. I press a finger to my helmet's temple, and try to maintain my cool as I call this guy out.

"You're fucking with me, aren't you?" I reply, and he sighs, raising his hands in defeat.

"Alright, You have me." The ninja says, and I smile beneath my helmet, finally able to glean the answer I want from this petty assassin. "... It was Hitler." He says, and I come THIIIIIIIS CLOSE to losing it.

"Stop bullshitting! It was Malideus, wasn't it? Who else would want the leader of this fair land dead?" I ask, tired of beating around the bush with this psycho. Finally, he sighs, and begins to speak, his tone solemn and serious.

“Fine, you got me. But don’t you dare tell me that I don’t have my own reasons. He didn't order me to kill Celestia, so I don’t. But before you judge me, let me tell you a bit of a story.” the ninja says, and he begins his tale, with me listening.

Oh, for the life of me, I wish I hadn't.

Baaaaack... To Malideus!

"Okay... finally... we're here." I pant, after climbing up the last set of stairs. Remember how I said I wasn't afraid of them anymore? Well, now I am again. These things are out to kill me, I swear! Already, I've almost fallen down them fifteen times, and they're murder on my legs! I hate stairs.

"Yeah, we're here. Now, how do we get them down without alerting the guards, or waking them?" Kinua asks, and I frown upon having to think of that part.

"Eh, I'll think of something." I say, and as I approach the room, I hear a voice talking; a familiar one: YoshiMatandPat. And by the sound of things, he was really chewing someone out. But, by the time we got there, he had already finished, and the guy he was talking to then spoke, his voice clearly audible from the medical wing. "Kinua, stay hidden. I'm going in." I say to my new companion, and she nods, fading from existence. Alright, time to see what's going on here... is that Nathan in that room?

"But… that was YOUR universe. In this one, the princesses are kind, loving beings, they even welcomed me with open arms after I explained myself! Why would you obey someone as horrible and evil as Malideus, going as far as MURDER, when these people have done nothing to you? Why serve a villain without a second thought?” Nathan pleads, and a fart is heard from the room, obviously from Yoshimica. But, ignoring that break of wind, I decide to make my dramatic enterance, because why not? It's not like anything unexpected and bad is going to happen.

"Because, Nathan, for all their ignorance, these two know the truth of this world, unlike you.” I say, drawing the attention of everyone in the room, except the sisters, who were unconscious.

“You…” growls the giant, looking like he’s ready to bust a blood vessel.

“Oh, lord… Don’t act so surprised, Nathan.” I retort, rolling my eyes. God, he's such a drama queen. Suddenly, YoshiMatata waves at me, ruining the tense moment AGAIN, and speaks up:

“Oh, hey bro. Charges are set, all I have to do is set them off. By the way, what did you mean about ignorant? We’re insane, we have a right to be total nutcases. Besides, in our universe, our princesses are like yours, and we don’t hold a grudge. They DID try to stop us going on our roadtrip, but that’s about it. You have to understand, Nathan, me and my buddy aren't really evil. We’re more anarchists. Some men… just want to watch the world burn. Besides, if YOU summon us, we’ll fight for you and your Princess. Hell, just go down to the dungeons if you really want to summon us.” he says, but I immediately become tired of his rambling, and interrupt him.

“Enough! I’ve been here three seconds, and I’m already sick of this! Nathan, remove yourself from this room, or I’ll have Yoshimimu do it for you.” I declare, slamming the butt of my staff to the ground in an effort to intimidate everyone. Needless to say, it kinda fails.

“No! As long as the princess is under threat, I will never remove myself from her side! Not while you have even the SLIGHTEST possibility of killing her!” Nathan says, continuing our back-and-forth. Finally, I fucking lose it, pointing my staff at the giant imbecile before me, ready to destroy him.

“Idiot, I don’t WANT to kill her! If I did, I’d have ordered Yoshimitsu to have it done! I merely needed a distraction so I could take something back!” I say, glaring at the princesses, when I hear a low rumble, and Tobi drills up from the floor, random as ever.

“U wot m8.” He says, confusing me to no end. What the fuck does that even MEAN?!?

“Hey, Malideus? I set the hambeast free and he’s going on a bit of a rampage.” Tobi then says, and Yoshiwhatsit jumps up, clearly angered at the word.

“Wait, the demon was a hambeast? Screw this.” He says angrily, lifting his armour and revealing odd tags all over his chest.
“Explain what this means, Malideus, or I’m blowing us all to hell!” Yoshitatas demands, and Tobi nods.

“Yeah, I’ve got my own notes on as well!” He lifts his shirt, revealing that both of them literally covered themselves in enough tags to completely level this section of Canterlot, if those things did what I though they did. Suddenly, both me and Nathan jump back in shock, and I put my staff up in an effort to protect myself, but Celestia just twitches, mumbles something, and turns over.

“What the hell?! You two are loonies!” Nathan cries, and I start thinking the same thing, though I take a calmer approach to it, albeit barely. Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking, letting these crazy fucks loose!?

“Woah, woah, take it easy, both of you! I don’t know WHEN I ordered you to set explosives, but I’m telling you right now, well, more like asking: Isn’t this a bit extreme!?” I ask, my panick mode kicking in a bit faster than I'd liked. Yoshimiru then shrugs, and replies calmly.

“Extreme? Sounds like you’re too sane. Tell you what, Tobi, how about we play a game?” Tobi then bounces happily, clapping at the mention of the unspecified game. “Are we playing Fifty-Fifty?” He asks, and I suddenly get a very bad feeling about this game.
Yoshi... you know what, I'll just call him yoshi. Anyway, he nods, and explains this rather unpleasant-sounding game to us both:

“When we wanted revenge, this is what we did. We shoved an explosive note into a captive’s mouth, and flipped a coin. Fifty… fifty.” He then raises a coin he pulled from his pocket, flipping it for demonstration.
“If it’s heads, then everything goes boom. Got it? Unless, Malideus, you tell us what the purpose of the hambeast was.”
Jeez, is that all he wanted? How fucking psycho ARE these guys?! Finally, after no thought on my part, I raise my arms in a gesture of surrender, and proceed to explain everything.

“Alright, alright! Look, you two, I didn’t know you guys had a thing against hambeasts, whatever that means, but come on, it was just a distraction, I already explained that! All I wanted was for Gondon to wreck the lower halls, so I could get to Celestia. Then, I was going to kidnap her, take her to the lair, and mine her for power. You know, bad guy stuff! There, I explained my whole plan to you psychopaths! You happy?!” I calmly explain, and Nathan butts in immediately:

“You don’t get the right to call THEM psychos, when you blew up a city full of civilians IN A MECH!”
Something then snaps in the two insane ninjas before me, and they lean in close, suddenly interested in me

“Whoa, did you just say mech?” At this sudden outburst, I nod. Weird.
“Tobi.” Yoshi finally says, getting his friend's attention.

“Yes, sempai?” Tobi replies.

“I think that we should take a photo for this glorious day.” Yoshi says, and Tobi's posture suddenly shoots upright, and I could practically feel him smile from behind his mask.

“Aye aye!” Tobi summoned his camera and took a quick picture.
“Picture taken!” Tobi says, and then Yoshi laughs, and points to his tags, confusing me and Nathan both.

“All of the tags we’re wearing are fakes. But the ones we planted aren’t.” He explains, spiking my blood pressure, and visibly raising Nathan's but before we can act on it, the green chucklefuck darts up to Nathan and I, resting a hand on each of our heads before we can react. Then, he speaks again.
“I want things to be interesting. So, as a gift, I grant both of you the chakra power.”
Yoshi then roared as 'chakra' poured through his arms, and we both screamed in unison as his so-called 'chakra' flooded our systems. Upon this happening, both of us didn’t even have time to question me before the screaming started, and surprisingly, big guy went down first, and I proceeded to twitch a while longer, before collapsing onto my knees.

"I fucking hate ninjas..." I mutter, and then I slump, still on my knees. After that, I simply remember blacking out, and when I wake, I see the two chucklefucks in front of me, giggling like psychos. Oh, wait, they were psychos!

“What the shit..? Why does it feel like my head is going to explode? And why is the Australian national anthem stuck in my head?” I asks, feeling quite pissed that some stupid song I barely knew was playing in my head on repeat, and Nathan gets up, grumbling angrily.

“Speak for yourself, you PISS-ANT FUCKNUGGET COCK-MONGERING BROGRE PIECE OF EVER-FUCKING SHIT WHORE!!!!!” Nathan suddenly screams before he could finish his real sentence, and promptly covers his helmet where his mouth would’ve been, the blush on his face visible through his closed helmet. Okay, this was beyond weird, and right into the fucked-up zone.

“What..? What the hell did you do to us, you demented ninja?” I ask, Trying to maintain my cool.
Tobi grinned. “It’s simple. You two looked into Sharingan, and I taught you how to use our ninja-jutsu! Also, I implanted the commands because they were funny as shit. Don’t worry, I implanted no other commands.” He says gleefully, and Yoshi interjects.
“We’re not doing this because we’re evil, we’re doing this because we can. You see, we’re gadflies really. We provoke to see response.” He says, laughing like a madman.

“Art is an infinite explosion... just kidding, we don’t really have explosive tags.” They then proceed to laugh as we collapsed, too tired for this shit. Honestly, I feel bad for whatever Celestia has to put up with these two: they are a curse I wouldn't force on ANYONE, even this world's Celestia.

“I hate summoning phantoms…” I finally mutter before getting up, and walking out of the room, ignoring my previous target.

“Hey, where do you think YOU’RE going, you PISS-AND-CUM-COVERED RAT-FACED MAN-WHORE OF A FUCKING DONKEY!!!!” The big guy roars, covering his ‘mouth’ afterwards.

“I’m done with this! I’m taking Gondon and going home, you can keep your slut of a princess!” I angrily say, walking away from the horrible scene behind me. Finally, I take my leave, and I quickly cast an unsummon spell at the two, sending them back to their world with a vengeance, hopefully giving them headaches in the process: they deserve it.

"Hey, Mal... you okay?" Kinua asks, and I pat her head, officially out of reasons to hate her.

"Yeah, let's just find Gondon and get out of here." I say, walking down the stairs. Soon, we meet up with Gondon, he follows us, and we make our way to the cave, where I want nothing more than to relax.

Oh, I really hope nothing bad happened while I was gone, or I'm going to be pissed.

Author's Note

It's done! Alright, this is a minor (and terrifying) crossover with Screw the rules, we're on a road trip.

I hate those two assholes now more than I have hated anyone before, but at least they're (mostly) helpful.

Well, see you in the next rebellion-filled chapter, heathens.

Ch.27: Pursuit of death, Pt. 1

It's been five hours since the three of us left Canterlot, and I finally decide that I don't need to go back there ever again. Now that that's done with, though, I need some time to find out what the fuck's going on. Already, my whole adventure has taken a nosedive spiral into chaos, and I lost my way somewhere along the road. God, Why can't anything be simple? Well, there's no use complaining about it now. I'm free, I purged some controlling demon from my head, and I freed a giant demon. Honestly, I can't ask for a better way to end the day, except maybe if I didn't have a headache.

"So, Mal? I have a question." Kinua suddenly asks, startling me.

"Hm? Oh, yeah? What is it?" I reply, unaware of what she's going to ask. I mean, it can't be too heavy, what's she gonna do, ask to move in with me?

"So... can I move in with for a while?" Kinua timidly asks, and though my body keeps moving, my mind freezes up faster than a 30-year old compu... wait, I already used that analogy. Shit.

"Um... what?" I blankly ask, staring in surprise at the little pooka beside me, who gives me a bored stare in return.

"I. Want. To. Be. A. Part. Of. Your. Group. Do I have to spell it out for you?" Kinua explains snarkily, causing my head to speed up slightly, and a surge of feelings rush into it, almost making my poor brain freeze up again. I could use the help around the cave... But I'm not happy with her attitude. But... I guess it couldn't hurt, could it? Unless she's a spy sent by Virgil, of course. But those two seemed to hate each other for some reason. Why? I don't know, and I doubt either of them will tell me. Well, that's going to keep me up at night. Still, at least it crosses her out as a spy.

"Eh... fine. Whatever, the more the merrier, I guess." I say, still moving forward. So, I'm walking forward, wondering why this whole 'capture-and-release' cycle is going on with me, and finally deciding to simply avoid it, When Gondon stops, sniffing the air with a curious expression on his face, causing both me and Kinua to stop and stare at him. Then, before I can ask him what's going on, he glares behind us, growling like a feral beast of some kind.

"Woah, woah, what's wrong, big guy?" I ask, and Gondon quickly turns to me, an angry expression on his face.

"I smell magic and betrayal... but not from there." Gondon replies, pointing toward Canterlot. Then, without warning, the massive demon turns toward the general direction of the cave, and points to it with his great, meaty claws, Confusing Kinua, but unnerving me. "It wafts from there. It smells... strong." Gondon says, and I then get that familiar cold chill down my spine again. God, this is going to end disastrously, isn't it?

"... Well, it probably isn't going to get any fainter, judging by MY luck. Let's roll." I growl, really not wanting to put up with this today. Really, I don't know why things are happening like they are, maybe god finally got fed up with my shenanigans. So... we continue. along the way, which was a pretty long walk in itself, by the way, I finally wise up and think of a way to get there faster.

"Kinua, your kind can turn into stuff, right?" I ask, hopeful that she can turn into something bigger than a horse.

"Not in direct sunlight. In fact, pooka usually die in the sunlight." Kinua says annoyingly, but before I can rage about her current uselessness, I stop at the memory of what she just said. 'Pooka die in sunlight'? Then what the fuck is she doing out here, and why isn't she burning up like an ant under a magnifying glass?! It's fucking sweltering out here today!

"Pooka die in sunlight? Then why are you walking in such adverse conditions for your kind with minimal effect?" Gondon asks first, beating me by seconds. Nonetheless, Kinua answers, albeit a tad solemnly.

"Well... it's an awkward story. See, I'm not completely pooka, I'm actually 1/10th pony... I don't wanna go into it." Kinua says, and both me and Gondon just stop and stare at her with blank expressions. "... What?" Kinua finally asks after looking at the both of us curiously.

"... Kinua, why the fuck do you have to be the most cliche' character I have ever met?" I finally ask as calmly as possible, feeling my blood pressure slowly raise past breaking point, not because she's SO DAMNED CLICHE' (seriously, dark and brooding 9/10th demon-thing, short, short-tempered, and probably over 9000 years old, despite looking 14!? Are you serious right now, God!?), but because she decided to bring it up NOW of all times... though the cliche' doesn't help her, either. Either way, she then looks at me with a surprised expression on her equine face, and expresses her confusion as intelligently as possible:

"Uh... what?" She asks, inciting immediate response from me.

"You're seriously part pony? Seriously!? Why... you know what, forget it. I'm done." I finally say, turning around and continuing my long-ass walk. I probably need it, anyway.

"Mal..? Uh, this doesn't change anything, does it?" Kinua asks cautiously, and I finally sigh after a hesitant while, and reply:

"Nah, it doesn't change anything. God knows I've made weirder allies." I say, and a look of relief washes over Kinua, and after some hesitation, I press on. "Although, I kind of want to know something: Is the fact that you're 1/10th freak of nature the reason Virgil doesn't like you?" I ask, and Kinua, having turned to walk forward, suddenly stops, and her hairs practically stand on end. Crap, I struck a nerve, didn't I? Nonetheless, Kinua does nothing for a while, but soon relaxes significantly (but not completely), and walks, still not facing me.

"... Yeah. Like I said, I don't talk about it." Kinua says, but I feel that she does. Her posture seems tense, like she's ready for something, and her speech is spaced out, a clear sign of a liar. So, feeling that the responsibility of taking the initiative fell to me, I went ahead and pressed the question.

"Do you... want to talk about it?" I ask slowly, careful not to trip any conversational landmines, While Gondon looked on in mild interest at my admittedly fleeting speechcraft skills in action.

"No." Kinua responded quickly, but I, like the social genius I am, pressed on anyway.

"Come on, it'll make you feel better."

"I feel fine. Now stop talking."

" Please? you're not helping yourself by keeping it inside."

"Actually, I am. Now shut up, before I break your teeth."

"As your new boss, I command you to spill your beans, minion!"

"As your 'minion', with all due respect, fuck off and die." Kinua finally retorts, attempting to end the conversation right there. Unfortunately, I'm having none of that shit.

"Hey!" I retort, and Kerrie sighs, rephrasing her previous sentence.

"I'm sorry... I mean: 'Fuck off and die, sir'." Kinua smartly retorts, and I feel my pimp hand twitch in agonized restraint. But, I remain calm, and refrain from slapping the impudent pooka.

"Fine. I don't care anymore." I say, aggravated beyond reason by the annoying pooka.

"Good." Kinua replies as she walks onward, and it takes all my willpower to not have Gondon fuck her up and leave her for dead. God, I hate her so much. But, nonetheless, I endured.

So, we walked some more, unable to do much else. I'd take the train, but the devils destroyed it for some reason, as was their way. Alas, it was all I could do to not have Gondon carry me. After all, he'd been walking the whole time we were, and unlike me and Kinua, he didn't even look winded. Still, I was better than that. Also, my legs could use the exercise. Man, was THIS gonna be a long day.

Meanwhile, at the cave, from Kherrie's point of view...

So, here I am, waiting for Mal... again. What, with Mizzy getting restless and half the inner circle talking about going rouge, including Otsuna, it was all I could do not to pull my own hair out. Seriously, Mal gets kidnapped WAAAAY too often. Like, every other day kind of often, and it's getting old. Still, I have faith in him. But, it seems that at least half the others have given up on him. Well, I guess we know where loyalties lie when uncertainty rears its ugly head... ourselves. Mortals are so stupid. Not Mal, though... he's just a bit more than just a mortal.

"Egh... Mal, you are the weirdest..." I say quietly to myself, when I hear giant footsteps from behind me, and a familiar presence.

"Hello, Goddess Kherrie. I trust that you are well?" Hezafen says, his deep, oddly chiming voice ringing in my head long after he stops talking.

"Oh, hello, Hezafen. What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be guarding the cave entrance?" I ask, and Hezafen lets out a small groaning noise, but seems to not have heard me otherwise.

"The cave mouth is safe enough. However, I fear that events grow restless within. I have overheard that the one called Stargazer wishes to dispose of you and Mizzietta, since you will not comply to his rule." Hezafen says, but I sigh in response, having already known that.

"I know, Hezafen. Is that all you came to tell me?" I ask.

"No. I have come to ask you if you are prepared for this. I detect a high probability of revolt within the next fifteen hours, and wish to know if you are prepared to face the challenges that may appear. You may be a higher-planed elemental being, but you will face not only an experienced magic user, but also a sniper, a demon, and even your best friend... I am, for once, unsure of the outcome of this fight, even with me supporting you. Hezafen says, and I feel a chill run up my spine. I know that the fight's gonna happen, but when the walking calculator is unsure of who's going to win, I don't know how to feel about that. Plus, Otsuna was my friend for a long time. To think I'd have to fight her eventually... I don't know what to think. Thinking's hard, anyway. Still, it's an unsettling thought, nonetheless. If only Effie were here, or anyone, really. But they're not. But still, I have Mal, even if he's not here right now. Truth is, I kind of look up to him. He gets shit done, even when everything's against him. Hell, I've never even seen him act scared or cry the entire time I've known him, even when he defended me from Kragda-Maul... except when I pulled that prank on him. In a way, he's kinda like a big brother to me, maybe more. either way, though it may sound horribly cliche', I still want to be like him. I want to be strong like him, brave like him, and maybe as charismatic, too. Seriously, the dude gets another potential girlfriend every other day. If I could get followers like he could, or defend myself like he can, I wouldn't even be as powerless as I am now. However, If I'm gonna be as strong as him, I have to start acting strong.

"... It's fine. I'm prepared for the worst. What about everyone else? Have they been warned?"

"They know. However, I do not think they understand the full scale of what is to occur. I fear powers beyond the current ruling body of Equestria are at work." Hezafen says, and without another word, he turns away, and tromps off before I can ask what the hell he's blabbering about. Forces? What is that supposed to mean? Could he mean other old gods? Ugh, robots, them and their big words. For the life of me, why people wanted to create such pointless things is beyond me. However, if he's right, then I've got to be ready for anything. Mizzy may be in charge while Mal's gone, but Mal saved me for a reason, and I intend to live up to it. Heh, it's kinda funny, really, that I, an old goddess, would look up to a mortal like Malideus. Still, I can't get much done rambling to myself. So, without another thought, I go back to tending my forest, quite pleased with how it's growing, all thanks to Malideus... Hmm. I wonder how he's doing now...

I never thought it'd come to this... but we're at FlitterFeather's point of view now. Joy.

Well, this is great. Just wonderful. Malideus goes missing, and Stargazer chooses NOW of all times to go crazy. Now, without even a warning beforehand, I'm sucked into a great schism without a thought of what just happened. Seriously; one minute, the guy's fine, charting stars, like normal. Next minute, he's ranting about how inefficient Malideus is, and he drags me (unwillingly) along in his little unprovoked vendetta, seeing as I know more about Malideus than he does. By the way, did you know that Malideus isn't really a pony? Or really anything from this world, from what I've heard, but I haven't told anyone yet... mostly because I'm afraid he'll kill me if he knows that I found out.

Either way, side story aside, shit happened, and now I'm stuck on the side of this 'war' that I know is going to lose. How, you ask? Well, we may have a demon, but they have a glass golem, who's pretty much indestructible and terrifying despite the name. Also, Malideus is a freaking super sorcerer, who killed, like, a bajillion people in one day. The best we have is that sniper mare, but even so, Stargazer is outgunned, outnumbered, and out of his mind. Tartarus below, it'd take the work of a god to help him even stand a chance against Malideus, or his forces. Ugh... Sometimes I just hate my life. But, before I can finish my lament, Stargazer arrives again, looking pretty fucking pissed, probably because he, just like I warned, got told off by Mizzietta. I did tell him, you know, but he just smacked my head and told me to shut up. Seriously, this guy used to be really cool until now. What happened to him?

Well... I guess there's no use pondering it. So, hoping not to get hit again, I try to slink out of the room as Stargazer stomps around, but he catches me, and puts me to the chopping block once again.

"FlitterFeather! Come here." Stargazer growls, and I reluctantly obey, not like I have a choice.

"Y-yes, sir?" I stammer, afraid of what this psychopath might want.

"Get the others. We're starting this coup de 'tat, right now." Stargazer demands, facing away from me ominously, but still radiating an aura of menace. Reluctantly, I then gulp, nod, and run off to gather the other three that joined him. Why? I don't know, they probably got sick of Malideus for some reason too, but I highly doubt that. I think that they're honestly just as scared of Stargazer as I am... Maybe less so, though. Finally, I reach my first cohort, Xenia, up on top of the cave, staring intently at her scope, which wasn't unusual, except that she actually seemed intent on tracking something instead of killing it, which was a definite first for her in my book. Still, I had a job to do, so I reached for her shoulder to shake it. Before I could even touch it, though, she grabbed my claw, startling me, and I couldn't even cry out before she pulled me close, clearly pissed at my attempt to break her concentration.

"Bird, you'd better have a good reason for trying to touch me while I'm tracking soon, or I'm breaking your arm." Xenia finally hisses, evoking a gulp from me, and a stammered response:

"Eh... Stargazer, he... uh... he wanted me to get the... the others... we're kinda starting soon..." I manage to get out of my beak, but Xenia just bares her unusually sharp teeth, and growls, looking intently at the horizon.

"Tell him we may have to change the plan. I found Malideus, and he's bringing serious heat with him." Xenia hastily says, finally pulling her eye from her gun's scope. Oh boy, this was what I was afraid of. So, despite my obvious fear of the answer I was about to receive, I press the question:

"Uh... what... kind of h-heat..?" I stammer, now terrified of the impending answer.

"That bastard's got a gluttony demon with him... and it's a big fucker. Stargazer needs to know about this, we can't tango with that kind of firepower, even at our current strength. Go down and tell him, I'll track the wizard." Xenia says, obviously hesitant to shoot Malideus. Hell, I'd be, too, if my target was being escorted by a demon the size of a shack. Goodness, I can see the thing from here!

"Eh... you want ME to tell him... like, now?" I ask shakily, and Xenia rolls her mismatched eyes, and lets out a loud groan of annoyance.

"Yes, NOW! Believe it or not, I don't want to shoot at Malideus yet, lest he actually be immune to bullets or something. Unlike most of these twits, I value my life over my job... more or less... Just go and tell Stargazer, moron." Xenia says, waving me off, and I finally go down to talk with him, though I do so indignantly. I'm actually pretty tired of being bossed around; it's the whole reason I joined up with Malideus in the first place; at least he didn't push me around like everyone else. Now, though, I'm practically forced to do everything for these guys on threat of pain of death... or worse. But, before I can think further on my situation, I'm soon face-to-face with Stargazer, and he doesn't look happy to see me.

"... What are you staring at, egghead?" Stargazer snaps, and I muster all my might to prevent myself from saying 'nothing' and walking away.

"It's... Xenia, sir... she..." I stammer, but Stargazer quickly gets fed up with my slow stutter, and rushes the conversation forward.

"Well? What about Xenia? Is everyone ready or not?" Stargazer asks, and I break out in a visible sweat, but continue, obligated on my life to finish the sentence.

"Uh... No, sir, it's..."

"Then what are you bothering me about!?" Stargazer interrupts loudly, and in a blind flash of adrenaline, I spill the rest of my guts.

"Malideus is on his way here with a demon!..." I blurt out, and I quickly cover my beak in shame, fearing for my life for some reason. I don't know why, but this guy gives off some terrifying vibes, worse than Malideus. But, after a few seconds of silence, Stargazer still does nothing, except narrow his eyes, and utter a single question:

"What?" Stargazer says, looking angry and confused. I then gulp, and repeat myself, despite my obvious fears.

"Malideus... has been spotted by Xenia... He's on his way here right now... with a demon..." I slowly explain, and Stargazer's expression quickly changes from one of mild anger to one of sheer rage and bewilderment as his eyes widen, and pupils shrink.

"WHAT!? He's supposed to have been captured! It usually takes DAYS for him to get free! And where in the depths of Tartarus did he get a demon!?" Stargazer asks frantically, and I jump back, startled.

"Um, sir... maybe we should stop this before it turns deadly..?" I suggest, but Stargazer was having none of it in his wild, flying rage.

"No... no, this just means we have to start right now, like I said. You stall Malideus, I'm getting the others. Like I planned, we'll take everyone hostage, and use them as meat shields between us and him. Now go, before I throw you there!" Stargazer suddenly shouts, and in a panic, I sprint toward the exit, and make my way to where Malideus, my former boss, was supposedly arriving from...

Ugh... I think I'm going to throw up from all this stress...

Back to our 'hero', Malideus.

This trail going from Canterlot to Malideopolis always goes on forever. Why the hell did I have the devils scrap the train, again? In my whole history of dumb moves I've made, including slapping Twilight the first time, that was possibly the dumbest. In fact, I have done a lot of dumb things during my crusade here, and I have yet to finish Celestia off once and for all... alas, I find myself unable to each time, or I completely forget to. Damn it, I need to re-think my process. Starters, what am I doing wrong? I'm feared, but I'm also a target for a lot of people. I just hope Discord doesn't pop up in the middle of this... I really don't need the confusion, lest I go back to murdering innocents.

"But wasn't that your thing? Murdering until you riled up Celestia enough to go after you?" My inner voice asks, almost mockingly.

"Yeah... it was for a while. But what's the point? These ponies aren't going to change, like you said. They'll keep holding to their ideals of friendship and barf-tastic cutesy-wootseyness until they go extinct... It's kind of depressing, really." I reply mentally, and my inner voice seems to think this over, mulling over his response like a scientist over an undiscovered bacteria of some kind. Finally, it responds:

"Then maybe you should change their ideas in a... less violent way." My inner voice says, and, despite the hinted malice in its tone, I divert my full attention to it anyway.

"Go on..." I mutter in my head, and the response is near-immediate.

"If Celestia is the highest power in the land, then all you need to do is change HER, that way you can get what you want, and no-one else needs to die. My inner voice declares, but I quickly retort with opposition.

"That's dumb. I've been trying to do that since I got here, remember?" I ask, but My inner voice quickly interrupts me, and charges with his own reasoning:

"Ah, but you've been going about it the wrong way! Remember, these ponies are just like humans, but with an altered belief system. Still, as they are just like you, so are their instincts: When their existence or ideas are forcibly threatened, they just back further into the metaphorical corner until the threat goes away. However, "if you simply change their main thought process in an undetectable manner, they'll all go for it, no matter what the idea is. The churches on Earth have done this countless times, undermining the government with its promises of salvation. In short, all you got to do is change Celestia and Luna's minds, and the whole country is yours." My inner voice explains, and even though it goes against my original plan, it actually sounds like it might work... so, why not? Let's give peace and love a shot.

"... Egh, I was tired of slaughtering cattle, anyway. Time to get religious on these assholes!... But what religion should I follow..." I mentally question, and I look to the sun almost subconsciously, as if beseeching it's gross incandescence for an answer to my plight.

"You don't need an actual religion, dumbass! You just need to change their minds! Religion has killed more people than disease, famine, and you combined!" My inner voice chides, and I (reluctantly) acknowledge its authority.

"Uh.... Oh, you're right, like always. Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em..." I say quietly enough so even Kinua doesn't hear me, as I mindlessly flip through the Oghma Infinium without a goal in mind. However, fate seems to favor me this day, for as soon as I stop flipping, the book presents me with a most interesting spell: Possession, a spell that allows a mortal being to enter a host's mind and control them completely. Indeed, as I read it, I realize that I need not give my ideals up to change their mind, as I can just do that manually... with three words.

"... Or... You could just do it yourself." I mutter quietly, and my inner voice flies into a panic, flustered in it's attempts to dissuade me from this admittedly brash course of action.

"Don't be serious about this! That's just wrong, taking over another persons' mind!" My inner voice chides, but I quickly strike back with my own reasoning:

"Yeah, but this is what the church basically does every day, to everyone. And didn't you say to take the religious approach?" I ask mentally, and my inner voice flies into a rage, counteracting my logic.

"No, I said take the SUBTLE approach! Nothing about this is subtle, it's just messed up and evil!" My inner voice rages at me, but a merely waive it off, disinterested in it's logic, just like the real church!

"Remember who's head you're in, man. You may not like it, but this is the quickest, easiest way to get my way without so much death. Don't worry, I'll just get in Celestia's head, muddle some laws around, then, I'll replace "her with myself once they see me as the lesser evil. And when it's all done and over with, none of those glorified cows will be any the wiser that they got duped, trust me." I reason, and my inner voice stalls in the face of my infallible logic, but does not surrender.

"And what of Luna, then? You can only possess one person at a time, and Luna will sure as hell rat you out before you get a chance to shut her up!" My inner voice cries, and I begin to see that he's right. I need a willing cohort if I'm to pull this off, someone to rule by my side, unfortunately, until I can safely dispose of the two princesses. Thankfully, though, I've got a whole cave full of willing-

"*Pweew!*"

As soon as I try to finish my thought, I hear a sharp whistle, like that of a bullet, go right beside my head and hit the dirt behind me. This causes me to jump, and it seems the other two have heard it, too. Before I can regain my bearings, another whistle goes past my head, then another, and another. Then, in the brief pause after, I get up, and look around for the source of the attempted assassination.

"What the..!? What the hell was that!?" I cry, and I see Kinua straining her eyes in one direction, while Gondon simply picked what appeared to be an oddly-shaped nail off the ground, sniffing it, and then nibbling on it like a giant, horribly-mutated mouse. However, I don't get the opportunity to tell him to spit it out before another invisible projectile speeds by my body, and Kinua finally locks onto some trees in the distance.

"Over there! I see someone in the trees!" Kinua shouts, pointing, and I look over there, too, though I see no-one.

"Kinua, what do your pooka eyes see?" I ask hastily, and Kinua strains to look, and opens her mouth to answer, when a projectile flies right through her eye, causing her to scream out and cover it. Kinua then falls to the ground, still holding her eye, but still alive, judging by her heavy breathing.

"Shit!!! Gondon, cover Kinua! I'm rushing that fucker!" I say, activating a heavy shield spell over my unarmored parts, When Gondon gets up, staring at one particular tree, and replies:

"Not necessary, sir." Gondon retorts in his drawling, deep voice, and he then opens his mouth, ignoring the strange invisible projectiles futilely bouncing off of his fatty hide. Then, as the pause begins, Gondon unhinges his jaw like a demented snake, and his throat starts to vibrate, then glow, and then... well, a friggin' LASER shoots out of it, right into the trunk of the tree he was staring at, cutting right through it and everything else behind it! What the fuck was that, and why didn't he use it to escape his cage!? Before I can ask the colossal demon this, however, I hear a distant scream as the tree falls, and he slowly closes his mouth, leaving me and Kinua to stare as he sits back down, munching on a discarded branch.

"Alright, now you can go." Gondon says slowly, and my magic shield dissipates as I stare at him for a second more, then I regain my bearings and remember the fucking sniper.

"Uh... right, Gondon, protect Kinua. I'll... uh, see if there's anything left of the sniper to destroy, I guess." I quickly say, and Gondon gives me a brief thumbs-up as he sits there, and I run off toward the tree he downed, eager to meet this cheap cumbucket face-to-face. Finally, after a quick sprint, I reach the edge of the forest, where the tree was. As soon as I reach it, though, I hear no noise, not even a shuffle, leaving me with two options: Either the sniper escaped somehow, or Gondon hit them with... whatever that was he just did. Still, either way, that just means that I don't get to beat them into a sniveling pulp with my own fists, and it leaves me angrier than when the bastard shot Kinua. I don't care for her, mind you, but she's an ally, and I tend to have a sentimental attachment to my allies, even the bitchy ones like her. Suddenly, interrupting my thoughts, I hear a brief, definitely feminine groan from beneath some foliage on the felled tree, and I waste no time tearing off the branches as soon as it stops, my vision slowly turning red with bloodlust as I pull away the branches, one by one. Suddenly, though, as I'm just about to tear off the last branch, I hear a familiar gasp behind me, and I immediately turn, staff ready, to dispatch the intruder... until I see that it's just Flitterfeather, claws up in a gesture of surrender. Then, immediately, with my anger turned into confusion, I lower my staff, and just stare at him, almost dazed-like.

"Flitterfeather..? What the hell are you doing out here?" I ask cautiously, searching his behavior for anything unusual. For all I know, he could just be another changeling.

"Oh... Hey, boss? Lovely weather, huh?" Flitterfeather asks timidly, and I instantly grasp that he's hiding something... but when isn't he? That in mind, I just ignore it and move on.

"Riiiight... Well, aside from the raining bullets that almost killed my newest recruit, I'd say the weather IS pretty nice. Now piss off, I have a sniper to dismember." I say nonchalantly, and I reach for another branch. However, I'm almost instantly stopped by Flitterfeather as he tries to get me off the case.

"Wait!... Uh, you shouldn't be just lifting trees, you don't know what's under there!" Flitterfeather cries out, and now I'm definitely sure he's hiding something, and it's pretty unusual for him. But still, I give him a sideways glance, and humor him:

"Um, yes I do; it's a fucking sniper, like I said. Now piss off, before I dismember YOU for treason." I retort flatly, and I reach for the branch again, when I'm, of course, stopped by Flitterfeather.

"Eh, Wait, sir! I don't think you should lift that!" He interrupts. I reply with a blank stare.

"... And why not?" I ask disinterestedly.

"Ehm... Because... Because there might be snakes under there! Venomous ones!" Flitterfeather reasons futilely.

"... Snakes." I half-ask.

"Yep." He replies nervously, shaking his head.

"Last I checked, Flitterfeather, snakes don't moan." I retort, wanting desperately for this conversation to end. This seemed to stop Flitterfeather for a while, but he quickly thought up another excuse, edging me into blind rage.

"W-well, they could if they..."

"Flitterfeather, if you finish that sentence, I swear to Solaire, I'll tear your heart out and eat it. Understand?" I say, and Flitterfeather seems cowed by this, and nods, slinking away suspiciously. However, he does not escape before I reveal the assailant by diving into the brush, and after a brief struggle, pulling them out, revealing...

"X-Xenia...!?" I cry out, utterly shocked by this twist of events. Xenia? The sniper? What is this I don't even...

"I... should probably... just..." Flitterfeather tries, but I point a righteous finger at him, causing him to freeze in place, though I used no magic.

"STAY." I command, and Flitterfeather obeys, and Xenia groans, her mix-matched eyes fluttering open, dazed, and they soon fix on me, fathomless fear in them, and she utters only two words:

"Well, shit..." Xenia mutters, and I feel something almost snap in me, like I'm about to black out again. But, I restrain myself, and resort to my second-favorite pastime to destroying: interrogating.

"Shit, indeed, Xenia. You two just fucked up in the worst possible way, my friends. Flitterfeather, come with me." I command, and Flitterfeather starts shaking like a leaf, sweat falling off of him like rain.

"D-do I... *gulp*... H-have t-to?" He asks, and I quickly grab his throat, dragging him off with Xenia.

"Yes. I want answers, and you two, willing or not, are going to give them to me. With any god-given luck, you can convince me that this was a misunderstanding." I threaten coldly, and I proceed to drag the two chucklefucks by their scrawny throats back to Gondon and Kinua. I swear to whatever god (or goddess) that is responsible for this fuck-up: I will hunt you down, and tear your throats out through your anus, you hear me!? THROUGH YOUR ANUS!!!

Author's Note

So, so sorry for last chapter! Listen, I know a lot of you are disappointed in me, but I promise, this chapter marks the ultimate milestone in Malideus's adventure: Here, we will see direction, and an actual goal! But first, some things have to change, for better or for worse. So, as an apology to everyone I hurt last chapter, I give you a gift in the future few chapters: Malideus's greatest triumph... and worst punishment, all wrapped in with realization and a significant increase in references other than Dark Souls.

*insert trumpets and drumroll here*

And now, some more additions to the old gods, made out of boredom:

Behemat: Old God of forging and metalworking. Though fiery and angry-looking, Behemat is actually quite docile, and simply goes about his endless work, uncaring of anything else, even his own imminent demise, though he did create a daughter to carry on his forge. He appears as a colossal, dragon-like entity made of molten rock and metal, and is described by other Old Gods as aloof and distant, but jolly when actually bothered to interact with others. he is allies with Klein and his children, Kraul, Yaw-Gammoth Effie Tana, Su-Bak-Na, Goblada, Luft, Otatzuatl, and Lumi, but has no real enemies.

Lumi: 'new' Old Goddess of fate and inspiration, Lumi is, for all intents and purposes, a bookworm and a shut-in. Lumi, as the new Old Goddess of fate, constantly writes, edits, and erases entries to the books of life, fate, and death, and is the keeper of her father's library. Too often, her affinity to inspiration is confused with 'imagination' or 'creativity'. This is simply false, as she is as far from creative and imaginative as one can get, and is far too old for her age. However, Lumi has never met a challenge she couldn't figure out or simply write or erase away, but Malideus seems to be detached from her hold on fate, which is not only infuriating her, as he completely detaches everyone he kills or harms from the threads of fate, but is slowly driving the youngest of all Old Gods to insanity, slowly killing her young, fragile mind with his antics, and Malideus has nearly succeeded in breaking Lumi twice: Once during his first attack on Canterlot, and the second time during his slaughter of Manehattan. Lumi has put up with this and fixed the aftermath as much as she could, though, and continues to operate to the best of her abilities, even under the stress of Malideus's rampage, but she still hates the wizard with a screaming, fiery passion, and insanity still grips her mind strongly, slowly pulling her to the inescapable brink with each life Malideus changes with his presence. Lumi has only three allies and two enemies, her allies being Klein, Onotoa and Luft, and her notable enemies being Djiin-Gytaxes and Shoggoth.

Phillia: the 'new' Old Goddess of meekness and shadows, she was practically raised in the shadows of her brothers, Shao-Ta and Ku-Sol-Gat, and is the object of disappointment for her father, Su-Bak-Na, making her a very lowly, meek, and distant individual. Phillia despises conflict, unlike her brothers and father, who embrace it when needed, and she constantly hides from the light as a result of spending most of her life in the shadows of her brothers, and her chosen form is quite small and frail-looking, only half the size of a normal pony. However, she's always open to others, be they god or mortal, and is more than ready to meet anyone who even claims to understand her feelings. As a result of being mostly unknown, Phillia has almost no allies or enemies, save for Djinn-Gytaxes, who is simply toying with her emotions as an experiment of his concerning the physiology and psychology of new Old Gods, though N'wahlgath seems to be friendly towards her, and Otatzuatl has shown romantic interest in her.

Otatzuatl: 'New' Old God of the sun, son of Tuatiw'ahzatah, Old god of light and warmth, as well as darkness and cold. A classic example of the common old gods of human lore, Otatzuatl is very vain, cunning, and vengeful. But unlike them, he his usually a kindred, warm soul when appeased, and is very patient, only demanding a single sacrifice once every few years. However, when the two Alicorn sisters rose to power and replaced him and shackled his sun and his brother's moon, he became very, very angry. He now seeks a champion to free his beloved star, the only reminder of his father he has left. When bothered to appear to mortals, he appears as a great, feathered, snake-like dragon, with red-and-green eye-like markings all along his underbelly and on the tops of his large wing feathers, and is allies with his brother Onotoa, Behemat, Goblada, Su-Bak-Na, Yaw-Gammoth, Gotag-Maw, and is romantically interested in Phillia, 'new' Old Goddess of shadows, though no one knows quite why.

Onotoa: 'New' Old God of the moon, son of Tuatiw'ahzatah and brother of Otatzuatl, 'new' Old God of the sun. Like his dear brother, Onotoa is a vain and cunning god, but is surprisingly docile, demanding no sacrifice from his subjects, and always priding himself on the subtle, yet luxurious, beauty of his moon, the largest of lights in the night sky, feeling he is doing the mortals a favor by gracing them with such art. However, he, like his brother, is infuriated by the royal sisters' arrogance, and their enslavement of his moon has made him enraged. He dislikes Luna less than Otatzuatl does, though, on account that he was there when the alicorn was banished to the moon, and though he never interacted with the princess, he understood the pain of betrayal she had felt, and felt pity for the princess of the moon, however false she was. However, though he was there, he had nothing to do with her freedom, and he will deny any relation to the event. In his chosen form, Onotoa appears as a giant water serpent, with yellow eyes, blue scales so dark, they are often mistaken for being black, and a vibrant, rainbow-colored fin along his back, which shifts colors seemingly at random, like an aurora. His allies include his brother Otatzuatl, Kherrie, Kragda-Maul, Gotag-Maw, Luft, and Lumi.

Tuatiw'ahzatah: Old God of light and warmth, and dark and cold. Tuatiw'ahzatah was a very powerful and influential Old God, and was the only ally of Ragnek during the uprising of the other Old Gods, helping the Old God of endings in destroying many of the usurpers, all of whom's names were lost to the flow of time. However, as a last reward for his aid, Ragnek blessed Tuatiw'ahzatah with immortality, making him one of very few to achieve it. However, the Old God's eternal life did not last long, as Mundas struck him down in a dual, which many Old Gods, especially Otatzuatl and Onotoa, argue Mundas cheated in, not too long after the event. Mundas had challenged the powerful Old God, fearing that he would become like Ragnek and prevent civilization from taking root, and Tuatiw'ahzatah's pride forced him to accept it, leading to the old god's death. With his dying breath, though, the Old God of light and dark cursed Mundas with eternal opposition from the forces of nature and the eventual destruction of the world he sought to create at the hands of a lone warlord, and he bore his two sons into the world, creating the sun and moon in the process. Though he is dead, his memory lives on in the hearts and minds of many Old Gods who value the old ways.

Rusty Shackleford: Old God of awesome epicness and conspiracies. Not much was known of this Old God, except that he vanished after the fall of Ragnek the Unmaker, though he did not participate in the fight, instead choosing to cower in his basement with a lifetime supply of Mountain Dew and hamster meat, like the badass he is. Relation to Pocket Sand unknown.

Ch.29: It's just a muscle...

I barely managed to get to sleep last night. And now, that's all I want to do. I want to sleep, and never wake up. Yesterday was a toll on every fiber of my being, and now, I only have a few members of my inner circle left: Gondon, Kinua, Kelias, Mizzy, Hezafen, and Kherrie. Oh, and Jarvis, but I rarely acknowledge him. Those others "loyal" to me either split or died, including... Whip. God, hearing her name now just makes me depressed. Not only could I not save her, but I wasn't even that nice to her before she died. Ugh... Now I kinda wish Celestia had just killed me. I'm weakened, I'm vulnerable, and almost everyone is gone; Crush got wrecked by Stargazer, Ribbon left when she learned that Whip was dead, Whip... Well, you know what happened to Whip, and Colonel Corgi... vanished, I suppose. Honestly, I don't know WHAT happened to him. Now, I have virtually nothing, and if Celestia wants to end it, that's fine by me. I know she's coming, I just know it. It's only a matter of time before she finds out about this, seeing as news travels fast around here. But if she wants to come, let her... Let her try and kill me. God knows she can't if she tried.

Reluctantly, though, I manage to get up, and stand to face the day. I had evil shit to do today, and a little sadness wasn't going to get between me and the destruction of whoever was responsible for this.Yes, I was going to find the one who did this, and I was going to kill them, be they man, pony, or god. But before I could kill them... I needed answers. But how to find answers to these kinds of questions is not easy, and requires nothing less than a master detective to solve. But thankfully, I had plenty of ways to find this stuff out. Now, I just needed to start asking questions. I think that, now, it's time we had our first actual assembly meeting. So, that done, I found Jarvis, the shadow Kraata that Terridax gave me... well, more like he found me.

"Hello, sir. Finally decided to wake up, I see?" Jarvis said telepathically, startling me. But I quickly regained my posture, and gave my orders.

"Hello, Jarvis. Hey, can you do me a solid and round up the others for me?" I ask.

"But of course, sir. I'll be back soon." Jarvis said simply, and he slithered off out of the cave to get the others. Indeed, it was time we met and faced whatever was pulling this shit on me, so I could tear them in half, and then feed them to my personal garbage disposal, Gondon.

That is, if they didn't find me first.

And here, we have Celestia's point of view. Last time, I promise.

It has been a long year... hasn't it? At the beginning of the year, all was well, I ruled my kingdom, almost free of the responsibility, when out of nowhere, a crazed... thing... pops out of another dimension, and he didn't even have the courtesy to look us in the eye before stabbing our backs. Malideus... How often have I heard that name? As I sit upon my throne, pondering the odd, dangerous wizard, I think of how different he is than anything we've ever faced before. The six bearers... they could do nothing to him. Nathan, he couldn't even touch him, bless his heart. And me? I am possibly the only one besides Luna who could stand a chance against him, and he swats us aside like chaff every encounter. What's worse? He's not just another god-like villain; He's a murderer, a psychopath bent on one goal: Killing every last pony he sees. Not griffons, not diamond dogs, not anything else, just ponies.

Personally... I want to know why. What is he? Why is he here? Why kill just us? But, alas, I see no way to really ask him that. However, I can at least strike a fatal blow to him, should the opportunity present itself, which it should soon. What few scouts return from his skies have told me of unrest in his ranks, particularly his 'inner circle', as I've taken to calling it. So now, with his ranks verging on disarray, all I need to do now... is wait, and survive. Suddenly, as I finish my thoughts, a winded, slightly burnt guard bursts through the throne room doors, looking like he'd lost a fight with a cooking stove. Then, snapping a lazy salute, he speaks:

"Milady, I bring news!" The guard says, and I am quick to reply.

"Well? Out with it, then. What did you see?" I ask, my anticipation building in light of what I hoped to be good news, the first instance of such I've heard since what seemed to be an eternity ago.

"Malideus's inner circle... it's finally fallen into disarray... But..." The guard hesitates, and I let my anxiety to hear the rest get the better of me as I retort, eager for the scout to finish his report.

"But? Come now, out with it! What's the problem?" I ask.

"It's that... the upstart was quickly squashed... by some kind of... well, I don't know! Malideus brought some kind of monster the likes of which I'd never seen with him, and it in turn summoned more creatures. Then, well, it completely squashed the rebellion! I tried to find out more, but then one of the first monster's underlings saw me, and, well... I don't know what it did, but next thing I know, my wings are disintegrating. I got away at the expense of only a lot of feathers, but I had to walk the way back, otherwise I'd have returned sooner. I'm sorry I could not see more, Milady... I know you really wanted to strike at him this time..." The guard lowers his head as he concludes his report, and under any other circumstances, he'd be right to be scared. But I'm not angry at this development, but... intrigued. So, he managed to quell a rebellion that should have destroyed him with little more than a lucky summon... likely one that wasn't around to protect him now. Even so, I still had to be sure.

"The monster that Malideus summoned... is it still there?" I ask, curious as to how this would turn out. I did not expect a clear answer from the guard when I asked that question, but if it was, I still had the opportunity I needed, but I had to exercise much caution, yet still take a great risk, one I haven't taken in a long time.

"Eh... last I checked, I saw something leave through a portal of some kind, possibly the monster. Why?" The guard finally asked me. So, I answered.

"Hmm... Good. You are dismissed, soldier." I finally said, and at my dismissal, the guard bowed and left, and I was left again to my thoughts, though I needed no time to decide my next course of action. If what the scout said was true, then the time to act was now, to send one last, vicious blow to Malideus, to finally be rid of him, once and for all.

Hmm... to think it would take us this long for him to slip up. He made many obviously bad decisions before, yet they had no impact on him, as though the future had no effect on him. In fact, the whole planet seemed to be spiraling out of control since his arrival, like his mere presence enticed rebellion from literally everything he so much as looked at.

'Oh well,' I think, 'All the more reason to kill him now, before the world completely ends.' Why, even the sun now resists me, and the moon my sister. Now that I think on it, what in Tartarus is going on? Why the sudden chaos, why now..?

...No, no more thinking, only acting. with him gone, all this will end. I know it will. It has to.

"Or does it?" Damn it all, not this thing again. The Narrator... I thought he was gone...

"You thought WRONG, little usurper. Unlike my champion, I am not so easy to be rid of... and seeing as how you have yet to kill Malideus, that should certainly speak well of me." The Narrator says, his grating, metallic 'voice' scraping and slashing the inside of my head like an inside-out blender. But seeing nopony else here, and already not willing to take this from a voice in my head, I quickly retort.

"Your 'champion', last I checked, 'Narrator', betrayed you and disowned you as his accomplice a long time ago. So how's that ego of yours now?" I ask aloud, but The Narrator only laughs, that infuriating, cynical, grating, headache-inducing laugh, and replies:

"Keh heh heh... My agenda exands farther than your petty comprehension, and willing or no, in the end, all of Malideus' actions fall right into their assigned place in my plan. In the end, Malideus, though he doesn't know it yet, serves me fully and zealously. And, in time, he will come crawling back to me, begging for my leadership... just like all the others." The Narrator says, and I want to say 'never!', or some other witty comeback, but I'm suddenly struck with a bout of curiosity, one that wracked my brain, and refused to leave me be until I asked... so I did.

"Hold... you said 'all the others'... What does that mean?" I ask, and I expect the voice to laugh at my lack of knowledge on that subject, but instead of laughter, I hear a low, angry, metallic growl, and I have to clutch my head to keep it from shaking apart until it stops. Then, in a voice that betrayed its anger, fury, and malevolence, The Narrator spoke again:

"You're so naive... and so foolish... an impetuous child, usurper to our, no, to MY throne... but I suppose I cannot blame you, it is not exactly your field, is it?" The Narrator chuckled maliciously for a second, then continued. "By others... I speak of the betrayers of my crown, the impetuous ones who sought a place higher than their own, and will soon suffer for it. I speak... of the other Old Gods, we who were already ancient before you were weaned from your mother's teat." The Narrator said ominously, and I felt like ending the conversation there, but some force in my mind, my impetuous curiosity, forced me to ask yet another question, just to know what the heck this voice was ranting about.

"Old Gods..? What are you talking about? Only the ones who made me and my sister could possibly be older than us. Who are you to call us children? You're just a disembodied voice!" I exclaimed, but I realized my mistake all too late when my head was suddenly assaulted with a pain so agonizing, so unbearable, that I could not help but cry out, grip it, and start sobbing in sheer pain, as if some force was crushing my skull from beneath my skin, steadily and easily crushing it enough to turn it to dust, but slowly, as to prolong the pain before the end. And above all, I heard its laughter, its horrible, metallic laughter, like two trains scraping against each other. Then, by some mercy, the pain suddenly stopped, leaving me laying on the floor, confused and understandably traumatized.

"That is only a mere fraction of the power I have over you, whelp! Even in my prison, I am to you like a giant is to a cockroach! To the pathetic worms you call citizens of your bleak empire, you may be a god. But to me... you are NOTHING! Now... I will not kill you... not yet. But you will do well to learn your place, lest you end up like Discord." The voice says, and I instinctively burst out, falling right into The Narrator's conversational trap yet again.

"Discord..? What did you do to him!?" I ask, and The Narrator chuckles, then replies:

"Silly, silly little princess... did you actually think the poor draconequues was ALWAYS so touched in the head? But of course not... he transgressed his boundaries, just like you almost did... though he received no warning before he did, unlike you. Like I said, you think me only slightly more than a voice now... but I was once KING amongst GODS! You will do will to remember that, usurper. You have no hope alone, or with discord, or with any force in this realm of existence." The Narrator says, and as I rise from the floor, I begin to regain my clarity, and I suddenly, if a tad late, realize my horrible position... OUR horrible position. If that thing, this 'Narrator', was controlling Malideus like a game piece...who was to say he wasn't controlling me, or Luna, or the whole planet!? Suddenly, in the middle of my thoughts, The Narrator spoke again, his voice soft, and with mock compassion.

"Ah, Now, at last, you understand. So, in light of this knowledge, what will you do, little one? Will you play along with my game? Or will you continue to defy me?" The Narrator asks me, and I struggle to get up, feeling his oppressive grip again crush me, and I cannot respond fully, only ask one question:

"Wha... What... ARE you!?" I ask, feeling its grip on my mind loosen, but never go away. The Narrator seems to ponder this mockingly, and after a few long, agonizing seconds, the grip is released, and it speaks once more before leaving.

"Hmmm... What I am is too far beyond you to even begin to describe. But you may call me... Ragnek." The voice says, and then, as if it took all my energy with it, as soon as 'Ragnek' leaves, I collapse to the ground, and it becomes equivalent to climbing a mountain to lift myself back onto my throne, a throne so soon to crumble, ruling an empire that was in the way of the devil himself... and all the while, all I can do is think:

"What... have I just gotten into..?" I ask, utterly defeated by little more than a voice in my head. Suddenly, a guard bursts in, seeing my sorry condition, and kneels, then speaks:

"Princess, are you alright? I heard yelling..." He begins, but I raise my hand in a gesture of silence, and the guard obliges.

"I am... I'll live, soldier... Listen, I need you to get Twilight Sparkle for me." I say quickly, and the guard looks about to ask why, but one look at me persuades him otherwise, and he hastily leaves, looking like... like...

...Like he'd just seen a ghost.

That was fun... Er, I mean, back to our protagonist, Malideus.

Egh... As luck would have it (Thank Nicol mother-fucking Bolas), I got the assembly together without much of a hitch, save Kelias, who had something of his own to do. So, in place of himself, he sends two other devils to our makeshift meeting table, some hunter-type named Illkurok, and a steampunk-looking one named Slizt. I don't really care, mind you, but I did take notes on these two for their odd (even for devils) appearance. Illkurok, though claiming to be a hunter, had some kind of headband covering both his eyes, wore what appeared to be painted armor of some metal or another, and carried a big-ass spear with him, and a rather well-made one at that. Maybe he stole it? Ah, then there was Slizt, the Izzet-wannabe. He was at least 5' 9", pretty fuckin' big for a devil, and wore brass armor, with lots of tubes and glass chambers that crackled with electricity on the inside. Interesting, however, I don't think these guys are going to be important ever, so lets ignore them, and get straight to the meeting... which I regret more than... no... slightly less than the 'cuddle game'.

"Okay, so, I guess you all know why I called you all here..." I begin, putting my hands together like a literal boss, but before anyone else can answer, Kherrie's hand shoots up, and I have to say: I admire her enthusiasm! Quite charming.

"Yes, Kherrie?" I ask, and she goes off like a rocket.

"Is this a super-secret villain meeting!?" She asks, and I sigh in such disapproval, I wish I had five more hands with which to facepalm, god she's blonde.

"Yes, yes this is. Does anyone know why we're here, though?" I ask, hoping to get someone else's attention. Unfortunately, that was not the case, as before anyone could even speak, Kherrie's hand shoots up again, and I have absolutely no choice but to call on her... again.
"Yes, Kherrie?" I say less-than-enthusiastically.

"So, this is an evil villain gathering, so, did one of us fail you for the last time?" Kherrie asks, causing murmurs to go around the table very quickly, as well as odd glances at me.

"What..?! No! No one here has 'failed me for the last time'!" I say, earning more murmurs, more offended than fearful.
"... Uh, I mean to say, I hope no one here will fail me for the last time... Ack! Uh, I mean... um, I hope that no one here fails me AT ALL, if it would... y-you know what, just... just shut up, Kherrie. Does anyone ELSE know why we're here? Anyone at all?" I ask, looking around, but no hands raise, probably in fear that I'll vaporize them, or something.

"... No one? No one knows why I called you all here?" I ask, and after a full minute of waiting, Illkurok coughs, and I jump to the first conclusion I can: He asked why.
"You! You asked, right?" I ask, and Illkurok puts his hands up, shaking his head.

"No, I just coughed! I swear!" The devils says fearfully, and suddenly Kherrie bursts out, interrupting he next string of awkward silence.

"Come on, we know you called us here because you're looking to execute someone because someone failed you!" Kherrie says, evoking a response from me.

"I'm not executing anyone! I just called you here to freaking discuss..."

"It was Hezafen, wasn't it?" Kherrie asks, interrupting me.

"Pardon?" Hezafen asks, turning his head toward Kherrie in what i can only guess was a glare. Thankfully, I was quick to intervene.

"No, it wasn't Hezafen, it wasn't anyone! I just called you here to-"

"Was it Kinua? She looks pretty shady to me." Kherrie blurts again, and quick as a whip, Kinua snaps her head toward Kherrie, and gives her a proper woman's death glare.

"Ex-CUSE me?" Kinua says, and I have it in my mind to duck under the table, but apparently Kinua can read minds, too, and while still glaring at Kherrie, she points to me, and gives a simple command: "Stay. You're sorting this out." Kinua says, and I reluctantly obey, while the two have a good, old-fashioned cat fight with their eyes. God, I can see the scratches forming already.

"Now, WHAT was that about me being 'shady'?" Kinua asks Kherrie rather threateningly, and I slowly move to make my escape before things start flying.

"Well, you know, you just look like someone who would stab a guy in the back. I mean, pooka like you ARE renowned for that." At that point, I'm under the table, and so is every other sane male in the room (save Gondon and Hezafen, neither of which could possibly give two flying fucks.), but Kherrie, in all her trying-to-get-me-killed mentality, still calls me out.
"See, I'm right, aren't I, Mal?"

"Please don't drag me into this." I plead, but apparently BOTH these chicks want me dead, because Kinua, not TWO SECONDS LATER, asks me:

"No, by all means, please, won't you tell us all why I'M the traitorous bitch now, Mal?" Kinua says, and at that moment, I swear a bell tolled, and Gondon just smiled, sitting there with a bowl of popcorn, while Mizzy was trying her hardest not to bust a gut. Jerks, the lot of them!

"Oh, Mally, what have you gotten yourself into now?" Mizzy asks, and I don't even move, except to speak my mind:

"I just wanted a meeting to discuss our next move! Why do you women have to make everything harder for me!? What'd I ever do to you!?" I cry, and Mizzy's about to bust out laughing, when Kherrie, bless her heart, starts right back up.

"Well, that's dumb! What's the point of having a secret super-villain meeting if you don't execute someone for being a failure for the last time?" Kherrie says, and I groan as I slide further under the table. Then, of course, Kinua gets involved.

"Great idea, Kherrie. I nominate you." She says, and Kherrie gasps, and I cover my ears, but it's unfortunately not enough to block out the ensuing argument between the two that occurs as follows:

"Bitch, do you know who I am!?" yells Kherrie, slamming her fists into the table.

"Yeah, you're a has-been flower goddess with DADDY ISSUES!" Retorts Kinua with a fiery vengeance. Bolas above, please don't let this rabbit hole go any deeper...

"At least I'm not some half-dead, stoned-looking, barely-dressed, scraggly, dirty, attention-seeking, deceitful bum who has to rely on others to live!" Kherrie shouts, and, unfortunately, is quickly retorted by Kinua.

"You're the deceitful one, Old God scumbag whore!"

"Dirty ghost!"

"Old hippy!"

"Affront to LIFE!!!"

"Powerless LOSER!!!"

"Bitch!"

"Wallflower!"

"Glorified Changeling!"

"Bee-seeker!"

The insults raged on, both Gondon and Hezafen looking on in extreme interest, while Mizzy giggled, unable to control herself, and the rest of us guys, even the devils, hid under the table, already plotting an escape route. But, I let my inner white knight slip, and it tried to set things right between the girls, god damn it.

"Uh, Girls, please..." I try. But before I can finish, I'm met with furious opposition.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, MAL!!!" Both ladies ('ladies' being relative) screamed at me, and I quickly ducked behind the chair, and my inner white knight didn't bug me again. Then, as soon as the insults stopped, the fighting began. Kinua, after being told that the only boyfriend she ever had was pretty much her dad and he DUMPED her, lunged at Kherrie, and then the real cat fight began. You know that nice Kimono Kherrie always wore? Ruined. I think the fight got (more) serious after the ribbon got torn off, and then Kherrie forced Kinua off her, started tearing at her, and, well, you can see where this goes from here. Bits of cloth here, flying insults there, and Gondon and Hezafen still giving exactly as many fucks as Spider Man.

But then, in the most ironic twist of fate imaginable, while the two were scrapping, one of the two had the brilliant idea to bring their 'disagreement' to the top of the table, and at the climax of their fight, one of them, god forbid, kicked Hezafen in the face, causing him to fall backwards. At first, everyone, even Kherrie and Kinua, just stopped, and looked where he fell. Hell, even I could feel that lingering sense of dread as the silence lasted for a good few minutes, but at first, nothing happened, so Kherrie and Kinua looked ready to go at it again, until in a spontaneous burst of anger and strength, the table flipped, flinging the two away, and there stood Hezafen, only his eyes had turned red, so it didn't take a genius to figure out that he was PISSED.

"Attack on self confirmed. Initiating self-defense protocol Sigma-Tau 05. Initiate Taunt: You two have fucked with the WRONG glass golem!" Hezafen says, and before I can react, Hezafen lunges at the two in an attempt to body-slam them... but it wasn't very effective. Just as he hits the ground, both Kherrie and Kinua roll out of the way, and Kinua quickly scrambles up a tree, while Kherrie hides in a different one, while they both try to diffuse the situation.

"Hezafen, jeez, what's YOUR problem!?" Cries Kinua. Brilliant.

"Response: Attack on self confirmed. Eliminating immediate threats." Hezafen finally says, and then he proceeds to wordlessly rip the tree Kinua was hiding in out of the ground, forcing her out of it. Believe me now, I wanted to intervene badly, but I was not about to get in the way of this brute while he was on a rampage, and by the look of it, neither were any of the present company, either. So, we all just sat and watched while Hezafen ripped out trees and chunks of earth in a mindless bid for the destruction of Kherrie and Kinua, and Gondon still had his popcorn. So, after a grandiose, Benny Hills-esque chase scene, the two that had first angered Hezafen finally tired out, and he finally caught them, grabbing them both by their necks. Then, finally, I decided to end this before I got knocked down two MORE members.

"Hezafen, put them down." I say simply and sternly, and it takes a moment, but the command eventually registers in Hezafen's head, and he puts the two down, and returns to his seat, whereupon I turn my ire towards the two chucklefucks that almost got themselves killed by a murderous golem.

"You two done now?" I ask, and both silently nod their heads, and return to their seats without a word, just the way I like it. Now, back to business.

"Okay, so... that happened. What now?" Mizzy asks, and I leap immediately into action.

"Well, now we get down to business. But, thanks to two unfortunate individuals..." I say, casting a poorly-hidden glare at Kherrie and Kinua before continuing, "I'll have to cut this briefing short. Someone, somewhere, is fucking with me, and it's not Celestia. I'm hereby moving your efforts to finding out who the fuck is doing this, be they old god, new god, princess, or pesky plumber, and bringing them to me. I don't want excuses, or shirking, I just want results. Do I make myself clear?" I ask, and everyone mumbles in agreement, making this first staff meeting as relatively painless as possible. Then, that done, I shift to the next order of business: searching.

"Alright, here's how this search is gonna go down. Kherrie, you're going to be my eyes on every single old god there is. If any of them are focusing on me with even the slightest hint of ill intent, feel free to rat them out." I say, and Kherrie stands upright, snapping an attentive salute.

"Aye aye, captain!" Kherrie says, and I nod, shifting to the next search party.

"Alright, now for you, Kinua. You're going to be my eyes on any tribal societies that may be hexing me, you see any suspicious rituals involving me, you get me. Got it?" I ask, and Kinua nods quietly, still pretending to be the strong, silent type, and I go the next batch of spies.

"Hezafen and Gondon: You two are to go around and harrass anyone that looks in the know for information. Any spies you find, eat or crush them, your choice. As of now, you two are officially undercover cops. Decide amongst yourselves who gets to be bad cop." I say, and the two nod, brofisting eachother.

"Sweet. I call bad cop." Gondon says, and Hexafen shrugs, accepting this without a single fuck to give.

"Fair enough." Hezafen says. Then, at last I switch to my last batch of spies: The devils.

"Alright, you two and Jarvis are going with my last, most important job." I say, building up the suspense, and then hitting them with it. "See here, I suspect that things have been going wrong for me because of the one person I know who holds the largest grudge against me. So, you three are going to be spying on Celestia herself." I say, and the devils' jaws drop like I'd just shot them through the heart. Oh, come on, how did they not see this coming? But, nonetheless, they still protest my brilliant decision.

"Uh... Let me get this straight... You want us... to spy on CELESTIA? In her own castle?" Illkurok asks, and I simply nod.

"Yes, you two and Jarvis." I say, and the three look at me like I'm high.

"... And you're positive that this is a, how do you say, 'good idea'? I mean, what if we get caught?" Slizt, the second devil, asks me, a feeling of extreme distrust evident in his raspy, hissing voice.

"You're fucking devils, dude. If you get caught, then get the fuck out of there, one way or another. Either way, I doubt you'll have to worry about being seen, much less caught, because as I said, Jarvis is going with you." I say, and this time, Jarvis is the one who speaks up. God, these newbies are whiny.

"Um, sir... are you sure it's wise, sending me into such dangerous territory? I mean, if master Terridax discovered this..." the shadow Kraata begins, but I quickly cut him off, unwilling to hear his weak excuses.

"Well, Terridax isn't here, is he? As far as he said and I'm concerned, you're MY kraata, and you do MY bidding. Besides, of you three schmucks, you get the funnest job, Kraata." I say, and Jarvis seems hesitant, as if deciding to either perk up or slink back, and he eventually decides for the former.

"T-the funnest job? And... what would that be?" Jarvis asks me suspiciously, and I quickly reply:

"Why, only the most important job of all: See Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there?" I ask, gesturing toward Slizt and Illkurok, who cast quick, vengeful glares at me, before I continue:

"Well, those two will only be the distraction. They're going to go in with you, cause as much trouble as their fiery, devilish hearts can muster, and then you're going to sneak into the castle, and use your sneaky mind-control powers to get as much information as you can from Celestia's generals, officers, champions, it doesn't matter. Either way, once you have something of value, or at least have brain-searched every likely candidate, you are to return here and spill everything. Understand?" I ask, and slowly, the Kraata nods, albeit reluctantly. So, that done, I move to the last bit of business, eager to get this over with.

"Alright, Kherrie, Hold down the fort while I'm gone. I have somewhere to be." I say, dusting myself off, and as I get up, Mizzy casts me a confused look at me, before asking a question I was more than prepared to ask:

"And where are YOU going?" Mizzy asks. I, though, just sigh, but answer back nonetheless.

"To see a colleague. I'll be back shortly." I say, and then I'm off without a word, leaving a rather miffed-looking Mizzy behind. But, as I wander in the direction (last I checked) of none other than that dead, pooka-infested hellhole of a forest that Virgil resided in. Grave hills, or something, I believe? Eh, I'll check later. Now though, I was at the very center of the everfree, so I took out my Oghma Infinium, flipped through it a bit, and then...

"Ah... Malideus. I was wondering when I'd finally catch you alone." Ihear a dark, but unforgettable voice call to me from behind, and I don't even bother turning around: I already know who it is.

"No fucking way..." I mutter, turning, eager to see if I was hallucinating. And sure as god made little green apples, there he was, in all his pitch-black, inky, body-builder-esque glory...

Kragda Mother-Fucking Maul, in the flesh, was now standing right behind me, looking smug as ever... though a bit... troubled?

"And a fine hello to you, too, Chris. So tell me, how's my little girl doing with you?" He asks, and I am a bit caught off-guard by the question, but I answer to the best of my abilities anyway:

"Um... fine... But, what are you doing here? I thought I... you know..." I stammer, not wanting to remind Maul of how badly I kicked his ass last time, seeing as I'm alone, and he can still snap me like a Slim-Jim. But instead of getting angry, Kragda Maul smiles slightly, and replies:

"Yes... yes, I do know. I was there, after all... right on the other end of that damn staff of yours. However, though that was humiliating, and I would love nothing more than to break you in half right now... I'm afraid this meeting is for a different purpose. See, you're not the only one who thought I'm dead... and with good reason." Maul says, ending the sentence with a hacking cough, and then straightening back up, as if nothing happened.

"Okay, well, then what does that have to do with me?" I ask, confused. Okay, he shows up while I'm alone, looking half-dead, and doesn't even come back to kill me? I have got to hear the story behind this. And luckily, Ol' Kraggy here is just itchin' to tell me, by the look of it.

"Heh... huh... Well, It's... It's because I can't face my daughter, after all I put her poor heart through, and even so, I was still reluctant to tell you... but I have to tell someone; I cant let myself fade, not like this..." Krag says, and he's interrupted by another bad coughing fit, and I have to catch him from falling over as he hacks his lungs out. Then, once he stabilizes, he gets back up, dusting himself off.

"Dude... are you okay? You look like you're..." I say, but I pause, suddenly realizing what's going on: Sickly behavior, lamenting like an old man... He's...

"Dying? Yes, I'm afraid I am. I fear that, at long last, Ragnek's curse has still found me, no thanks to you. But... I'm not mad, and I'm not here to pick another fight with you, Chris." Kragda-Maul says, and then the Old God sits down on a fallen tree, and before he can begin to explain himself, I ask:

"What? Then why are you here? If you're dying, then what do you want with me?" I ask.

"... Simple, my boy. I came... to help you one last time, to hold true to my cause of helping any and all who need it. I came here, boy... to warn you, and, this time, to ask you a favor in return." Kragda-Maul says, and after another light coughing fit, I press my obvious question:

"W-what..? You... want to help me? After all I did? But you're dying, man! Don't you, like, want to take your power back, or something vengeful like that?" I ask, and after a brief pause, Kragda-Maul chuckles, and replies, like a father to a naiive child:

"... Yes, that would be nice... but in the long run, what would any of that do? If I take my power back, I'll just die all the same, same time, same way... just with bigger muscles. No, revenge won't fix anything now, and honestly, I should thank you. But now's not the time for that. You want my help, or not?" Maul asks, and I ponder for a second, at first suspicious of him, but I trusted him before, and I feel so bad about how I betrayed him, I feel like I at least owe him a lending ear. So... I lend him mine.

"Eghn... Alright, I'll bite. What did you want to warn me about?" I ask, still wary, but nonetheless attentive. Kragda-Maul then smiles, coughs twice, and begins:

"I came to warn you... about two people." He says, and I interrupt him.

"Let me guess: Celestia and Ragnek?" I ask, and Kragda-Maul smiles grimly, and continues:

"Close... but no. The two I want to warn you about... are Jarvis and Lumi." The old god says, and as confused as I am, I still maintain my calm, in-control voice, despite being warned about a gift I got and someone I never heard of before, and ask my question:

"What? Jarvis? Him? And who's Lumi?" I ask, and Maul coughs a bit, then gestures me to be quiet.

"Hush, boy, I'm getting to that! Now, listen, and listen good. About this Jarvis character... he's playing you, boy." Maul says, catching me by surprise. But, before I can voice my shock at his accusation, Kragda-Maul corrects himself, continuing. "Or, rather, it would be more accurate to say that his MASTER is playing you like a lute. You see, Malideus... Through that ugly leech, That Terra-Dex fellow you've become acquainted to has been subtly controlling your brain and feelings, even as he plots and conspires against other villains all over the multiverse. I'm not used to that word, mind you, as it's a recent addition to my vocabulary. But hey, I also never thought a mortal could ever best me, so maybe it's not so far fetched as I thought." Kragda-Maul says, and I find myself just a bit angry. But before I can voice it, Maul interrupts me, remembering one last-minute detail:

"Oh, and it seems that the ugly robot has a bad case of the gay, so I'd steer clear of him, lest you catch it, too." Maul says, coughing, and I, honestly, don't know how I feel. Yeah, I got betrayed again, and he looked like such a friendly soul, too... but now I have insulting leverage on him, so it balances out... for the most part.

"Um... Oh... kay..? So... What about that Lumi person you were on about?" I ask, now officially confused. But hey, whatever.

"Ah, yes... Lumi. I have quite the profile on her, but to go into detail would just waste your time with boring miscellaneous, So I'll make this as quick as I can. You know how I said you were fateless, right?" Maul says, and I nod in agreement, remembering how he told me that.

"Yeah? What of it?" I ask.

"Well... As it turns out, Lumi, of all people, just so happens to be... wait for it... The new Goddess of none other that fate and destiny itself. And as a result, You, Malideus, are an affront to all she upholds... and a target for her wrath." Kragda-Maul says, then he pauses, turning to cough some more, and then he continues, seeing as I had no input on the matter, though I did not like where this was going AT ALL.

"So, anyway... Normally, and at first, she didn't care that you even existed. Normally, when something is severed from the threads of fate, it's dead. So, even though you were clearly not dead, Lumi made the mistake of ignoring you, thinking that you would be dead soon, or at least not a problem." Kragda Maul says, and then I see where this is going fast. But for his sake, and because I owe him for blowing him to smithereens, I kept quiet, allowing Maul to finish.

"...But, lo and behold, guess what's happening right now? Thanks to you, the books of fate are being torn apart, page by page, word by word, each name erased with each being or object you touch. Your fatelessness, Malideus, seems to affect the threads of fate itself, and everything and everyone you touch or affect in some way removes many, many of those threads. This is making Lumi, as you say, really fucking pissed. As such, you've become a target, and she was behind Stargazers uprising. You know how? She wrote it into the book of fate. She did that multiple times to kill you. Lot of good that did her..." Krgda-Maul says, and as of now, the information I have just taken in is overwhelming. I'm not just the object of desire for one god, but two! TWO (Terridax doesn't count; he's a gaylord cock-mongler.)!!! And who knows how many more are out for me? Three? Seven? All of them?

"... I... I don't know... what to say..." I stammer, sitting down on a rock to catch my head before it explodes. Welp, consider that trip to Virgil's place crossed off my to-do list. "How... Why... Kragda-Maul... How did this happen..?" I ask, desperately trying to keep my brain from melting. And with a sigh, Maul replies, his voice full of sadness and sympathy, and, for the first time ever, Kragda-Maul was not smiling.

"It's not your fault, boy. This world was a giant game of four-dimensional chess before you came here, and when you did, that one unexpected, unbidden piece... the whole board fell apart. Mind you, boy, not everyone is against you... but half of them are, even so. And with me gone, that will make it the majority by one." Kragda Maul says wearily. But then, he smiles warmly, and places a hand on my shoulder, and continues on a high note, to my joy:

"... However, despite this... You shouldn't fret the numbers. As I said before: You are Malideus; The anti-god. I suspected it then, and I sure as Tartarus know now, that even IF Lumi decides to take you on, or any god, for that matter, you can, and will, blow them back into fucking starstuff. I know this." Kragda-Maul says, and then he removes his hand from my shoulder, coughs some more, then I take center stage.

"Maul... Thanks. Oh, and... sorry for blowing you up." I say, trying to hide the fact that this was now becoming a bonding moment. Damn, I get myself into some awkward situations sometimes, don't I? It's like I'm living in a bad fanfiction, or something.

"It was nothing, Chris, just the least I could do for you, and... And Kherrie. Which, by the way, brings us to the topic of that favor." Maul says, and I suddenly perk up, and brace myself for anything.

"Yeah..?" I ask slowly, and Kragda-Maul continues:

"... I... It's about... Kherrie. Now, before you get any thoughts, no; I don't want her dead, or away from you, for that matter." Kragda-Maul says, and now I'm utterly confused. Didn't he HATE Kherrie? But, before I could ask that, Kragda-Maul continues, and I listen: I owe him that much.

"Listen, boy... Ever since you defeated me last, as humiliating as that was, it gave me time to think as I reconstituted my physical body...and in that time, I realized something you and she said, and that you both were right: I was a terrible, horrible father, and to my only child, no less." Kragda-Maul pauses, sighing, and then continues, putting a sad song into my head:

"You see... all I wanted when I made Kherrie was a copy of myself. But what I failed to realize was that I went about it all wrong, and in the end, spirits cannot simply be moulded into a desired form. The soul chooses what it wants to be, and Kherrie, though she doesn't know it, may not be my spitting image... or even like me in the slightest... but she is everything I wanted her to become. Kherrie, after all these years, has become a strong, smart, independent goddess, and likely the best this world has ever, or will ever see. Malideus... after what I said and did, I can't bear to face my little girl again, not after what I put her through. However, I can't go easily until she knows that I've learned my mistake, even if it was years too late, and that, even though I never showed it, I always loved her. My Daughter... My baby girl... Malideus, Promise me... Promise me you will tell her what I told you: That she is my pride and joy, and that though I will be gone soon, my last moments will be spent in apology for all the hell I put her through over these years, and that I hope she forgives me in the end. That is all... all that I ask. Will you do this?" Krgada-Maul finishes, his face one of a sad, desperate father; no smile to be seen, only sadness in his eyes, and let me tell you now, so I don't have to later:

At that moment, on that day, a single manly tear was shed. No, I didn't fucking bawl like a toddler, but I felt. Oh, I felt. And now, I had to pass that feel on to another... to Kherrie. So, without another thought, I stood up, and gave my answer:

"... I'll do it." I say, and Kragda-Maul smiles once more, and closes his eyes, his head and heart now content.

"... Thank you, Malideus. Rest assured, all knowledge of this moment will die with me. It's the least I can do for some closure. Now, you know what you need to know, and you have a destination. Go forth, and fuck up the existences of those arrogant, puffed-up old gods that dare oppose you, would you? I would like to die with some peace and quiet, and this spot seems perfect." Kragda-Maul says, and with that, I left without a word, my heart heavy. I knew I couldn't carry it into battle with me, but I had to take all this anger out on someone, and guess who my first target was? That's right: Celestia. It was time I ended this little game, once and for all. But first... I had some bad news to share with one of my now-smaller inner circle. So, without further ado, I walk to the cave, and as I walk... I think.

I'm now a primary target for a lot of powerful beings, all of whom want me on their side, or off the board. Now, with so many allies gone, I'm left to myself, and very little else. I'm now weak, vulnerable, and I could be taken out at any moment by some god or another, or god forbid Celestia. In thought... what was I doing, anyway? I don't know how to run a country, or even kill someone I've looked in the eyes. But I have to now. Like Maul said: The souls becomes what it wants to be. My soul was always hateful and contemptuous, and it made itself, and me, into Malideus, the Scourge Eternal. Kragda-Maul... Such a tragic character. He thought he was doing right by his actions toward his daughter, but realized too late that he was wrong. Am I destined to be like him? A once-proud warrior, triumphant over his enemies... only to realize he has nothing left? And that all he did that he thought was right, was really just pointless?

... God, death sure makes a guy think, doesn't it? Kragda-Maul... in your memory, Kherrie will hear your words. I promise. Then, I'm going to make Ragnek suffer for everything. This isn't a save-the-world promise, or a hero's promise: That big fuck screwed me over too many times, and now I'm gonna free him, just so I can kick his ass myself. But, in interruption of my lament, I see the cave clearing, and everyone has gone to do their tasks. Everyone, that is, except for Kherrie, conveniently. She seemed to be sitting, and thinking. About what, I don't know. But now, I had some pretty heavy stuff to drop out of my heart, so those thoughts were not a concern to me. Suddenly, Kherrie sees me, and looks about to leave, but I call out to her, stopping her.

"Kherrie, stop." I call, and Kherrie stops to turn to me, and then she approaches me, examining my eyes, and laughs.

"Mal? Holy carp, man, what's with you? You look like someone died!" Kherrie says, and I suddenly grab her shoulder without thinking, and almost shed one more manly tear. I'm trembling at this point now, and Kherrie looks nervous, and why shouldn't she be? She doesn't know... yet.

"Mal..? M-Mal, what's wrong? ...Mal...?" Kherrie asks. Then... I tell her.

"Kherrie... You know that someone DID die today, right?" I ask.

"W-well, I figured... Why? is this important?" Kherrie asks, suddenly becoming more nervous than before.

"... Sort of. Kherrie... You know how I blew up your dad, right?" I ask, and Kherrie sighs, her mood stabilizing.

"Uh... yeah, I think. Yeah, you did! Why?" She asks. Then, without thought, my grip tightens, and I break the news to Kherrie, explaining everything.

"Your dad... he didn't die that day. He came back, long enough to tell me who the real culprit of our bad luck is... And that he... well..." I stammer, unsure of how to tell someone who'd been convinced that her dad pretty much held nothing but contempt for her, that he suddenly came back from the dead to tell her that he loved her with all his heart.

"Well? What? What else?" Kherrie pressed irately, sensing my restraint, and finally, I caved in.

"Your dad... he died today. But before he did, he told be two things: He told me who my real enemies are... and that, no matter what you thought, he loved you with all his heart." I say, and I expected many things to happen right then and there: I expected Kherrie to laugh at me, or to get angry at me, or even to walk away, like I was crazy. What I did not expect, however, was for Kherrie to stand there, looking like I'd just slapped her, and after a moment, reply in a way I would never have seen coming:

"... Mal... can you take me to him?" Kherrie asks, and I sit there, awestruck, but I quickly shake it off, and nod.

"Um, Yeah, I can take you." is my brilliant reply, and then, we both make the grueling, long trip to the forest center, where poor Maul was dying as we speak. Then, when we reach the forest center, we both see him, still sitting on that log, looking weak... but not dead, not yet. Then, without me, Kherrie walks over to him, and a great scene plays out before me.

They fucked. No, just kidding, but it was pretty sad. Maul, as he hears Kherrie approach, opens his eyes, and looks to his daughter, and a moment passes, and Kherrie seems wary of this whole thing, but she eventually starts it all off:

"It's... it's true, isn't it?" She asks, looking downtrodden. Then, sighing, Kragda-Maul looks to Kherrie, and replies:

"... Yes. I'm finally going. But... I didn't expect you to see me. I... I assume Malideus told you, then?" He asks, and Kherrie actually starts to tear up, and continues:

"Yeah... he did. So... did... you actually mean what you said? About me being your pride and joy?" Kherrie asks, and Kragda Maul smiles, looking at his daughter lovingly.

"Of course, Kherrie. I... I don't know what Malideus told you exactly... but I'm glad I get to tell you here, to ease your heart, as well as mine: You are... my single greatest blessing, amongst a thousand curses beset upon me by Ragnek. I... I put you through so much pain... I even tried to destroy you when I deemed you a failure... and I curse myself with eternal damnation for that. But the truth is, Kherrie... I may not have shown it, but I always loved you, my daughter, my pride and joy... My Kherrie." Kragda-Maul says, sighing again, and Kherrie looks about to burst into tears.

"... Why now?... Why wait so long, and tell me while you're dying? Why not when I was born? Or even when you were trying to make me into YOU!? I can't believe it now, not after all the shit you dragged me through. All these years... Why wouldn't you at least SAY it!?" Kherrie bawls, and I have to look away, before I catch a case of "emotional sensitivity". But, I hear the dialogue go on from there, and up next is Kragda-Maul himself.

"... You... You're right, Kherrie. I didn't believe it myself, all those years ago, and I thought that the only way I could love something, was if it was my reflection. But... I learned, all too late, that you were my greatest creation of all as you were... even if I couldn't see it myself. It... *cough*... took me thirty-seven thousand years, my little one... and it took my death at the hands of Malideus to realize it... but you are who you are, chosen by yourself the moment you were born. You are my legacy... A legacy of light and life, after an age of darkness and lies. Kherrie... I don't care what you think of me anymore. I was a horrible father, and a worse teacher... I should have done better, accepted you for who you are, for you are the promise of the continuation of my name, but I didn't. But, as long as you know that you were and are the greatest thing to ever happen to me... I can go with peace." Kragda-Maul says, and Kherrie chokes up, but she stays strong, and I hear the rest of this sad story out.

"Dad... I'm sorry I was such a disappointment..." Kherrie says, but Kragda-Maul puts his hand to her head, and he replies:

"Kherrie... you were never a disappointment. I merely chose to be disappointed in you, but you managed to outshine even me in my prime. Kherrie... be the best you that you can be. Don't let... *Hack! Cough!*... Don't let me stop you. I... Should've done... better... Kherrie... I'm so glad... that you were with me... in these final moments of my long, long life... I... I love you... with all my heart... Never...ever... forget..." And, at that, Kragda-Maul's eyes closed one last time, and stayed shut. at last, after thousands of years, the mighty Kragda-Maul, god of Chaos and Irony, and second-strongest old god to date, was finally dead, done in by a curse that, for all his power, he could not evade. I then looked to Kherrie. She looked ready to break down at any moment, and I understand. I won't go into it, like, ever, but I know her pain. And so, I reach out, and grab her shoulder, trying to sympathize. But then, she turns, and rushes into my chest, burying her sobbing head into my chest, and just squeezing me like a big teddy bear. You, laugh it up, jerks. Yeah, look at it, the mighty, murderous Malideus has feelings. But you know what? I never asked for them. But I have them anyway, so I squeeze Kherrie back, and after a while, we uneventfully bury Ol' Maul where he fell, walked back to the cave, and sat at the mouth, sitting there... and thinking.

To think... even a god is finite. Kragda-Maul, Strongest god, craftiest trickster... most loving father, in his final hours. It makes a guy think: What's going to happen when I die? What will I leave behind to show the world that I was here? Ruins? A dead civilization? A legend that will one day be only used to scare children?

... Well, that's for tomorrow to decide, when my spies have return. And tomorrow... I will prepare for my greatest fight yet. Me, versus Celestia, the final conflict. But how it goes down...

...is for fate to decide.

Author's Note

So, I just found out that there was a read-aloud of my story on youtube.

...

WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS!?

Ch.30: The Wizardslayer, pt. 1: Rise of Kanden

Meanwhile, somewhere near Canterlot, from Jarvis's point of view.

Demeaning. Absolutely unacceptable! I have never felt such contempt for my master in all my life, as he's sent me to die in the name of this backwater universe's local deranged maniac! Above all else, the oaf expects me to hide these two apes while we infiltrate only the most guarded, well-protected castle in the most fortified city in the world! Why so fortified, you ask? Bacause Malideus destroyed every other pony settlement, leaving all the smart ones to flock here, where resources are now BOUNDLESS! I swear, it's as if Malideus WANTS to die! I don't know what I did to anger you, Master Terridax, but please, TAKE ME BACK! I don't want to die here! Suddenly, though, my lament is cut short as we near the city walls, the blindfolded one, Illkurok, I believe, digs his caws into the rock wall, then grabs me and his partner. And soon enough, we're climbing. I haven't been here a week, and I'm already going to die. Master, why have you forsaken me to this idiot!?

"Hey, bug, you remember the plan, right?" Illkurok asks, interrupting my thoughts like the blundering monkey he is, as to be expected from anyone in the employ of Malideus.

"Of course I know the plan, you made me repeat it to you over nine thousand times!" I retort, and Illkurok smiles, and lifts me higher, to my shock. Oh Terridax, what is this primate doing!?

"Just making sure, leech... 'Cause you're going up first!" Illkurok says, and I immediately panic.

"W-wait! Isn't throwing me a bit extreme!?" I blurt, and Slizt catches up on the outburst, and replies:

"You're hanging with devils, now; extreme isn't in our dictionary." Slizt says, and I feel a sudden rush of air as I am flung into the air, and as I fall, I pray to what ever god or goddess that is listening that I don't die, because lord Terridax has clearly left me for dead. And then, suddenly, I land on a straw roof, or rather, THROUGH it, and crash onto a dinner table, shattering several plates, and cracking my exoskeleton. And then, as I get back on my belly, I see that I'm in a house of some kind, in a (thankfully) empty dining room. So, that done, I try to get off the table, when I hear someone shout, and I hear hoofbeats as a pony is running toward me. So, I leap off the table, and slide under a cabinet, hoping to have not been seen. Then, I hear the steps go past me, looking for whatever may have made the hole in the roof, and I slide past the unwitting homeowner, out the window, and into the street, then a back alley.

I prayed... and I received, it seems. I'm alive, if in some pain, and I can now finish my goal and hopefully glean some information, get out, and go home. Now, I just have to wait for the signal, which should be some explosion or another, judging by the usual habits of devils.

*BOOM!!!*

I hear the explosion go off, not even two seconds after I'd escaped that house, and sure enough, I saw ponies rushing out of their houses, all flocking to the burning wreckage of... of...

The house I'd just escaped. Indeed, there, as I saw, was the house I escaped from, now a husk of it's former self, and burning in an impossible inferno. Did... the devils intend to... no, they're not that smart. That depraved, yes, but not that smart. And an attempt on my life... they'd need serious smarts to pull it off without Malideus calling them out on it, and they still need me to get into the castle, so this just had to be a coincidence. Like I said, though, I needed to concentrate on the task at hand, so I can finally be done with this. So, without delay, I slid out from my shadows, and slithered into the street, darting from box to stall, stall to alley, alley to trash can, and so forth, evading all detection as I went. I had to make it to the castle alive, and the best way to do that was through the shadows... or...

Suddenly, I hit something hard, knocking me backward, and I look up after I recover my senses. However, what I see does not please me: A guard, and a big one. The guard then looks down at me, and shouts in exclamation:

"What the..? Hey!" The guard shouts, and he tries to grab for me, but I slide between his legs, causing him to trip, and as he falls, I get a brilliant idea of how to get into the castle undetected. In my current state, I'm not much use if I get caught, which the devils will certainly get me. But if I was a guard, I wouldn't have to even worry about hiding. Ah, just like master Terridax would think! So, as the guard struggles to get up, I steel my resolve, and rush up his leg, up his back, and finally rest on his head, preparing to bite down, and begin the process.

"What...? Hey! What are you.. Erk!" The guard manages to spit out, before I take his mind, and decide to test my capabilities, seeing as I've never done this before, and this whole prospect was new to me. But, It can't be any harder than controlling a Rahksi... right? So first, I tried talking.

"A-hem... Testing, testing, one two three, Assuming direct control." The body says on my behest, and I almost jump for joy at my minor victory. Now, I could see through this guard's eyes, so I could hide under his helmet, and I could move him, though my inexperience was underestimated, and the body's 'walk' looked more like the zombie dance from 'Thriller'... done by an actual zombie. But still, I made it work, and so I take my leave of the area, moving the host forward, and trembling with joy all the while. Why, this was going to be so easy after all! I don't know why I was worried in the first place! If all goes right, and it will, I won't just be in good with Malideus... Maybe, if I play my cards JUUUST right... I might be the one ruling Equestria... But that's a thought for later. Now, there was work to be done, and minds to be bled dry. If only Master Terridax could see me now...

So, after a while of failing at walking, I finally reach the castle proper, and show myself inside, meeting no resistance from the current guards standing watch, seeing that, as far as they were concerned, I was a guard. So, I made it inside without a hitch, and entered the main foyer, which, for all intents and purposes, was magnificent: Resplendent white columns, all arching up clean walls, with rather extravagant drapes flowing down. Why, in all my life, all I'd ever seen was the dreary, black halls of Terridax's lair... not that there was anything bad with it! It's just that this place seems so decadent, so well-made... Why would Malideus burn it all down? As I wonder this, though, I suddenly hear something behind me that makes me almost jump out of my exoskeleton:

"Hey you! What the fuck are you doing motherfucker?!" I hear a deep voice say, and I stop dead, and throw the body's hands up, in a gesture of surrender.

"I swear, I just back from patrol, and nothing else! You gotta believe me!" I cry through the host, and the characters behind me go silent, and then another speaks:

"That's for us to decide. Have you been drinking tonight, or something, soldier?" The unknown assailant asks me, catching me by surprise. What? Drinking? Drinking what?

"Uhhhh..." I catch myself saying, then I hear the faintest sound, like someone snickering, but before I can see who it is, the first guard barks another order at me, making me jump slightly:

"Alright, if you're not drunk, then start walking! Straight line, no bullshit." The guard says, and I begin to walk, when something catches me awry: I have seen many, many ponies before, even guards, and none of them have used such vulgar language in all my memory. I find this indeed odd, but in my fear, I do not call them out, lest they discover my true intentions. Then, as I finish walking a few feet in a straight line, I hear silence. Then, I hear that sound again, that distinct sound of someone trying not to laugh, but from behind me, where the guards were. Then, as if to confirm my suspicions, both characters simultaneously burst into raucous fits of howling laughter, and I turn around in anger to see... Slizt and Illkurok, both rolling on the floor, wearing guard armor. And they were laughing at me.

"Ha! This sod... the leech actually believed we were arresting him!" roared Illkurok, the oaf.

"Oh, that's too rich! Come on, leech, can't you hear a devil holding back his laughter!? Jeez, what a doof!" Slizt laughed, and I felt myself shaking in ill-concealed anger as the two stopped laughing, got up, and dusted themselves off before patting my host on the back as a sign of merriment.

"How... did you know it was me?" I ask through the host, and Illkurok shrugs, gesturing toward Slizt.

"Slizt made some doohickey that can read thoughts and brain waves, bro. Thought it'd help us locate guards, or find you if ya got lost or something." Illkurok says, and Slizt beams at the mention of his creation as I marvel at the ingeniousness of it. Yes, I was VERY unnerved at the thought of an obviously unstable and dangerous creature such as Slizt reading my thoughts and intercepting my telepathy, but indeed, it was rather... smart, shall we say. At least now they can identify me from the other guards by my thoughts...

"And that rather spazmatic gait with which you move your legs. See, I refrain from calling it 'walking', seeing as that would imply a steady, efficient movement, whereas what YOU do is more, say, shambling, jerking, twitching, or even just simply throwing one hoof in front of the other. No offence meant, of course. Just pointing out a note." Slizt says, interrupting my thoughts. Okay, now I'm starting to take back my thoughts of the device being ingenious. Now it's just annoying, much like its creator.

"Alright, break's over. We came for info, be that in the form of plans, notes, maps, or in Leech's case, stray thoughts." Illkurok says, and Slizt turns attentive for a second, and looks down a hallway at seemingly random.

"Hmm... fine. I'll check the west corridors. Illkurok, You'd be best off checking upstairs, since high ground is your forte', and Leech here," Slizt says, jerking a thumb at me, to my chagrin."... Will check eastern corridors. Clear?" Slizt asks, and Illkurok suddenly gets defensive, and stands tall, puffing his chest at Slizt.

"Who said you were in charge, nerd? What if I want the eastern corridors?" Illkurok asks, glaring at the opposing devil, but Slizt just gazes back at him with a bored expression, having found absolutely... how did Malideus say it... 'No fucks to give', I believe?

"Alright, Illkurok. WOULD you like to take the eastern corridors?" Slizt replies flatly, and Illkurok hesitates a moment, scratching his horned chin, and replies after a moment of thought:

"Uhh... Which way is east again?" Illkurok (unsurprisingly) asks, and Slizt sighs, hitting his snout with his palm, before responding:

"Just go upstairs, Illkurok. Leech, go that way. That leads to the guard quarters and has the quickest way to the throne room." Slizt says, pointing at the entrance behind me, and I suddenly find myself struck with a very odd question.

"How could you possibly know that, devil?" I ask, and Slizt answers me with remarkable speed:

"I did thorough area ultrasounds and bio-spectrometric scans on this place an hour before we pranked you here. Plus, it says so on the sign." Slizt says, and he then points to a small plaque beside the hall entrance, with clearly reads 'Guard barracks, bathrooms, and shortcut to throne room'. At that moment, I swear I did what more fleshy creatures call 'blushing'.

"Oh." Was my only reply.

"Now, if you two nitwits are finished having a dick-measuring contest with me, I can safely call myself the winner, and you two can kindly get to pissing off. Sound good?" Slizt says, and Illkurok grumbles something incoherent and flips the steampunk-wearing devil his middle finger, but still marches upstairs nonetheless. And then, as Slizt finally turns to walk down the western corridor, to Terridax-knows-where, I finally turn to the eastern corridor, not very pleased with this outcome. I have been insulted, terrified for my life, and bossed around by a minion. I swear, if I live to see this through, I can only hope Terridax comes back for me and burns this world to its bedrock. It would only be fitting, after all.

However, as I attempt to 'walk' down the eastern hall, I soon find that what Slizt said was right: I am not good at walking in this body. Surely, as I see, it's becoming increasingly obvious that if I continue moving on this body, I will be caught before I can learn anything. But if I'm on my own, then everything could be deemed a potential threat. I think on this for a minute, and I soon reach a reluctant decision. Finally, I detach myself from the host guard, and get away from him as fast as possible, before he wakes up.

And now, in hostile territory and very vulnerable, I at least have the option of stealth, and I try to make the most of it. So, sticking to the walls and shadows, I slide down the hall, looking into several empty rooms along the way. But all the while, I feel something is... off. I can't explain it, but whenever I can, I keep checking behind me, expecting to see someone following me, but I can't see anyone. It's unnerving, to be sure, but I keep my steely resolve, and press on. If someone IS following me, I'll surely find out soon, or at least lose them. After all, I am a master at hiding, and no living thing can track me for long.

So, that in mind, I scan the hall before me one last time, and slither forward, still not quite sure what to look for. A barracks? A planning room? I have no idea.

'Maybe if I find the princess herself first, I can search her brain for any promising leads on what's happening here. If anyone does, it's got to be her.' I say to myself, and with a destination in mind, I go forth with renewed haste, eager to get to the throne room quickly, before anyone realizes we're here. However, even at my surprising speed, the hallway seems to stretch on forever, though I have no problems with any guards. In fact, I don't see a single one; it's as if they all... vanished. But why? Surely the princess would have guards swarming the area... Maybe she didn't expect Malideus to get this far this time...

'Or maybe the devils screwed up and got themselves captured...' I think to myself with a slight chuckle. If this is the case, then that may complicate things, but at least they drew away the gua...Woah!

*CRASH!!!*

I just manage to stop short of a sudden death as a pedestal inexplicably topples over, hitting the floor in front of me, and I jump back as the vase it carried fell as well, almost crushing me like the pedestal.

"... I... What..? What was... What just happened!?" I stammer to no one in particular, so I don't think anyone hears it. But still, that was scary. Out of nowhere, a giant, marble structure just up and falls over, almost crushing me, and the vase with it. If I had been any closer, I would have been reduced to a crushed shell and a puddle of ichor in moments, or at least trapped, and easy pickings to be captured or killed. Now, my first thought is to move on, but something is very, very wrong here. That pedestal just tipped over and fell, without any stimulus or reason, like some invisible force just pushed it over. Now this, and before, I had the dreadful sense of being followed. By the masks... Someone wasn't just trying to follow me... Someone is trying to KILL me!

Immediately after the post-trauma epiphany, my mind begins to race to questions and conclusions, none of them making sense. There are no guards in the corridors, so who is following me, if anybody? Who would want me dead, but be discrete about it? Oh, all this stress is making me sick... but... it's so tantalizing, being chased, and the mystery of it all is so invigorating and new! Suddenly, my mind races to one last, most probable conclusion:

There is something in this castle so dangerous and secret, someone doesn't want me finding it. But what in the world could that be? It makes no sense. The devils can't want me dead, they still need me... Or do they? That question in mind, I mentally mark them as primary suspects for this failed attempt of murder. After all, they said they had a way of tracking me, several, in fact. But what have I done to provoke them so?

Then there's Luna, she who governs the night. She could easily find a being of shadow in her domain, I suppose, since our affinities match. On top of that, she could very much use unseen telekinesis, and has every motive in the world to have me dead. But why so discreetly? Maybe not to alert the devils? How would she know they were there, if she hadn't caught them already?

And what of the Mane Six? Surely they would have the ability, the motive, and a reason to keep it quiet! After all, with all the stress their princess is under now, maybe a few enemies simply 'disappearing' would prevent further damage... Aargh, so many suspects, so few answers... I have a job to do, but if I am to survive to make it back to master Terridax, I must find out who's trying to kill me... before they succeed.

So, I change my course, and begin skulking at a slower pace. I come across more empty rooms, but I still search them, and hide when I get that feeling again. And then, after a moment of finding nothing, I exit each one, until I reach the first closed door I've seen since I got here. It wasn't massive, but it was certainly more fortified than the others were, and it had an extremely ominous feel to it, and my ichor ran cold when I looked upon it. I then tried to look for a plaque or something to tell me what room it was, and I did find a sign, but it only read:

"Authorized personnel only. Keep out."

As I read it, I begin to get an icky feeling up my back, but I know that this was the very thing I'd come for. This door... the secrets within... This is the kind of thing Malideus wanted brought to his attention! If I could only open the door, I could get in, steal what's inside (without the devils knowing), and escape, and get all the credit! This is excellent, brilliant, even! Suddenly, though, my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of armored hoofbeats, and I know that there are guards afoot.

Seeing nowhere to go, and doubting that they had the key to this door, I decided to attempt evasive maneuvers. So, sliding toward the pedestal, I quickly found the gold vase (which was made of gold, and therefor intact), and quickly slithered inside it, just as the sound of hooves rounded the corner, and stopped as I bacame comfortable. Suddenly, one of the guards yells something, and I hear them rush toward my position, and I heard the ponies lift the pedestal to its previous location, and they lifted the vase after.

"Hmm... this vase seems heavier than I thought..." One guard says, and I feel the urge to panic, but I maintain my calm as the guard sets it on the pedestal.

"Ah, the thing's made of solid gold. What did you expect?" The other guard says, and the first one sighs in acceptance.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Let's get with it, then." she says, and then the two both walk away from my location, and as soon as their hoofbeats vanish, I wait another moment, peek my head out of the vase, look around, and find no one nearby. So, I quickly tip the vase again, resulting in another loud crash, and I slither away as fast as possible before those guards come back to investigate. So, having escaped one possible scenario of certain death, I begin to slide down the hall again, hoping to find a janitor or someone with the key to that locked door, and maybe to find out who wants me dead.

I begin to think as I move, and I come up with an answer to do both: If someone is trying to kill me, they must be affiliated with whatever's behind that door. If I find the key, which may or may not be on my pursuer, they will come for me with doubled tenacity. But, there is a chance that I could obtain it secretly, and use whatever's behind the door against them! I mean, with all the secrecy behind it, it has to be a weapon of some kind, right? Or maybe some valuable information! Or maybe information on how to build the weapon!

Oh, the possibilities are endless! If I only had that key, I could find what lay within... but where to look? I can't begin to grasp an idea at first, but soon, I begin to get a vague idea: This door holds something no one else can see, so obviously, only very trusted members of Celestia's army could hold such a key. My first thought is an officer of some kind, but I immediately draw that thought back, seeing as officers seemed to be too untrustworthy with such secret information... but if anyone knew who entered or exited the room often, it had to be one of them.

So, seeing no other option, I sped along down the hall, looking into barracks for anyone with a peculiar uniform to latch onto. But, alas, as I search, my hope of finding such a pony dwindles away, and the feeling of being followed grows in its place. That is, until I see the oddest thing: A tall, ornate guard, his armor well-adorned and painted blue, with a shield insignia. I have never seen this pony before... but he seems very important. as he walks by, I slip behind another pedestal, and stalk him further, preparing for the moment to strike, when I know who he is by how he interacts with other guards. If I am to attach to him, I might risk getting caught, so I must make sure my target is who I think they are.

Luckily enough, some guards walk by soon, and I hide, observing the reactions: The other guards, upon seeing him, quickly stand at attention and salute, which is swiftly returned by the more important individual. So... I now have my mark. But just who is this one..? I suppose I'll have to find out for myself. So, as soon as the other guards leave, I slide out of hiding, catching the guard's attention.

"Wha..? Who's there!? Show yourself!" The guard cries, searching around wildly, and I stay just out of his field of vision, long enough to climb up the wall, right behind the guard, and as soon as he turned around, he only had time to gasp before I pounced, catching his face, and latching onto his head as he struggled to remove me. A valiant effort, but a wasted one nonetheless.

"Mrph! Geroff mf!" The guard cries, still pulling at me, and I feel my grip lessening, but not before I get into his head, and begin divulging information from it, seeing as his willpower was too strong for me to simply take him over. Why, it's almost as if this individual has been through such a process as this before. And as if to add to this theory, he fights me even harder, slowly gaining the upper hand in our mental duel.

"You're so annoying... I can see why Malideus wants you all dead..." I blurt, and apparently the pony heard me, because I feel him realize something, and he throws a thought back at me:

"Malideus sent you!? Should've known that snake was behind this! As soon as I wipe the floor with you, bug, I'm due for a rematch with your boss!" He says, doubling his efforts to be rid of me. But still, I remain strong, and the blue-maned oaf continues to vocalize and bump into walls while I scry his thoughts and memories through his head. They appear before me soon enough, and I quickly find myself entranced by them as the guard falls limp, succumbing to my rather potent venom.

I see in his mind many things; a younger sibling... a sister, by the looks of it... her name... is Twilight Sparkle!? This stallion's name... is... Shining Armor... and he has a wife... he fought off changelings... and he threw his wife over a balcony to kill an evil king... and he fought... against Malideus?! I can't even begin to fathom the extent of his memory at this time, so as I look, I begin to search for any memories concerning that door in the hallway, the locked one, the door that compels me so, to the brink of madness itself... Aha! I have it!

"At last... I see! The key... it is here!" I hiss mentally, leering like a maniac. At last, I have found the clue to the key's location: it was on Shining Armor the whole time! Of course! It only made sense, after all, seeing that he was captain of the guard, and Celestia trusted him wholly.

"Keh heh heh... Sorry, Shining Armor... but I'll be taking this key of yours. Nothing personal... just business." I mentally laugh. So, without so much as a second thought, I detached from the drugged pony's snout, slid to his belt, and sure enough, I found a keyring!... but there was a problem:

It holds so many keys, how am I to find the right one!? How do I know where to begin before the great sod wakes up? Frantically searching, I very quickly give up on searching after I feel the body twitch, and I resort to my last option: I spit a highly corrosive acid on the ring, detaching it from its holder in seconds, and wrap my tail around what remains of it before slithering off at breakneck speed toward the door I saw earlier. At last... I was about to bear witness to something great! Something amazing! But... I have to stay cool. If I lose my professionalism now, it could well be the end of me. So, taking a quick moment to calm my nerves, I take each key (using my mandibles), one at a time, and try the lock.

The first one is a brass key, a bit tarnished, but still very shiny. Definitely a souvenir for myself once I escape. However, though the key slides in perfectly, it does not turn, so I drop it for now, a bit frustrated that this key was not the right one, but still deciding to keep it. The next key I attempt is a similarly-sized iron key, though it is far more tarnished and sinister, as though it was meant for the dungeons instead of this door. Still, I try it anyway, but the key doesn't even go in the lock, and I toss it aside, upset at its uselessness, but still undeterred. Besides, as the old saying goes, 'third time's a charm', right? So, picking up the next key, a red-painted, rather thick key with a design i'd never seen before, I try the lock one more time. The key, to my relief, slides in with a click, and as I turn it, to my happiness, I hear the mechanism turn and unlock with a dull 'thud'.

'At last! Her secret is revealed!!! The secret behind Celestia's door... is mine!' I blurt, and as the door opens, a rush of hot, stale air rushes out at me, and I feel two familiar things: A sense of unbearable dread, as if being watched, and the presence of... of...

'T-Terridax?!' I wonder 'aloud', feeling a horrible, oppresive feeling of darkness wash over me from behind the door. But, alas, I see no sign of master Terridax, or my pursuers. But I know that the latter are nearby, as I can sense them. But though they are near and aware of me, the watchers make no move, so I slither into the hot, dark room, green lights and Tesla coils being the only source of light available. The whole room gives me a faint sense of dread, as if something horrible dwells within this locked room, on top of the always-present feeling of being stalked. But I continue on despite my fears, and climb onto a table, hoping to get a better view of the room itself. on top of the table, though, I find several instruments, none of which I am familiar with, though their functions must be gruesome, and a small logbook, written in the equestrian language.

Quaint, this book... and I can read equestrian... but should I..? I mean, what horrible secrets could it hold? I... I manage to refrain from looking at it, fearing such a distraction would waste my time, and I look around the green-lit room. All around me, to my horror, are various hooks, claws, and other unsightly holding devices, some holding bits of machinery, and on another table, I see something... odd. It's... it's emanating the same presence as master Terridax, though it appears to only be a stone of some kind.

'Curiouser and curiouser...' I think, and against my better judgement, I leap from my current table onto the opposite one, and begin looking on it. On this table, though, is more than just the odd stone; I notice many papers, all of them appearing to be drawings of some kind, like a schematic, all depicting some kind of humanoid figure... a robot, perhaps? A suit? I can't begin to say. But as I turn away, my eyes fall on the stone again... and I'm suddenly drawn to it, sensing my master within its essence. And as I approach the black rock, I notice... writing! MATORAN writing! This... this is Terridax's summon sign! But how... Why..?

As I look, I suddenly feel drawn to something beside me. I turn to gaze briefly, just to identify it, and I jump back, startled, and officially transfixed by the odd... thing... that just hung there by two claws; at first glance, a headless robot of some kind, in the vague shape of... well... I don't know. Upon inspection, the odd construct bears a humanoid likeness, but the shoulders are lower, or is it that the neck is too long? Either way, the combination of these traits gives the thing a slumped, primal-looking aspect, though it's arms are thick and powerful-looking, each one bearing a holed construct of its own on the wrist area, and the right one bearing some kind of over-sized gauntlet, or some other wrist attachment.

Then, there was the body itself: Segmented, worm-like, and very sinister, with a massive, barreled chest , and a body that seemed to be made of green tubes and black metal plates that tapered down from the chest into a tail-like point, the only break in tapering being the pelvis, which bore two round-ish, but powerful-looking legs, that ended in clawed feet, two claws each, just like its hands. And judging by the neck, or rather, the groove where a neck should've been, it looked like it was to be piloted by something else... in fact... it looks like that groove... would fit me perfectly.

Just then, out of nowhere, as the parts of the robotic suit, Makuta's stone, and the security of the room came together, I was struck with an oppressive sense of horror. The suit... it was obviously to be piloted by a kraata, or something similar! But how did they find out about the stone? About Terridax, even?! This... this makes no sense! And how did they get the stone!? Terridax above, why is this not making sense!? How much else do they even know? I have to find out! So, without another thought, I jump over to the open logbook, and start reading through it. As I do, things start becoming clear to me:

Apparently, the ponies have been spying on Malideus, ceasing reports only at the end of his little 'uprising', when one spy was caught in the act by a Rakshi, and got his wings melted. He escaped, but managed to grab the discarded Makuta stone, and report back to Celestia with reports of damaged rakshi, and included detailed descriptions of their anatomy, Terridax's physiology, and... the kraata within the rakshi! It was all so convoluted... so... unreal! How could they have made a machine like this so fast, anyway? What reason would the ponies have to even use it!? And more importantly...

"Who's even in charge of this operation..?" I mentally ask, but I must have accidentally blurted the thought, because not long after I heard the door close, and there stood a pony, female, by the look of it, with a white lab coat, and lavender mane, and I recognize her immediately from the captain of the guard's memories: Twilight Sparkle. And immediately after I come to the realization, the young Twilight responds, a dark confidence in her voice:

"That would be me." Twilight says, and I immediately go on the defensive, backing away from the lavender pony as she speaks again.

"Now, what on earth is a construct of Malideus doing here, and how did you get past the guards?" She asks, and I stop, stricken by sudden offence at her accusation. 'Construct of Malideus'? How dare she accuse me as such!

"How dare you! I am no creation of that imbecile of a magician! I serve Terridax, and no one else!" I telepath back to her, and I feel her curiosity grow as she stalks toward me, making me more nervous with each step.

"So Terridax is the name of that robot he summoned? How interesting. And you are his creation, you say?" Twilight asks unnervingly, still stalking forward, and I begin to lose my confidence as she approaches me, though I soon reach the end of the table, and am forced to reply.

"Y-yes, I am... and you even think about capturing me to implant to that sick machine of yours..." I respond, gesturing to the robot suit. "I will be sure that master Terridax knows of it!" I finish, and Twilight seems pensive for a moment, but then walks over to the Makuta stone, and picks it up like a plaything, smiling the whole while.

"Oh, you mean through this? Sorry to burst your bubble, but this stone only works once, it seems, and there's nopony else here to save you. So go ahead, try to call for help. No one will come, leech." Twilight taunts, leering at me with a bestial intensity. But on a side note: Why does everybody keep calling me 'leech'!? Other than that twinge of annoyance, I soon realize her intentions, and quickly lose all confidence. The devils were in entirely different sections of the castle; they weren't going to help me now. This... this is the end. Me, against a unicorn of Twilight's caliber... I might as well have been fighting a hungry Muaka by myself!

But still, I remain silent, and get ready to jump and flee at a moment's notice.

"You're twisted, pony! This suit, this lab, these experiments... it's sick! But if you want me... you'll have to catch me!" I mentally exclaim, and instead of retreating like I planned, my body leaps for Twilight, who seems as surprised as I am, and can't even get her magic up before I latch onto her face, and much struggling finally ensues. I fight valiantly against the insane princess-to-be, using my potent venom to try and subdue her, but her strength seems to be far greater than her brother's, and I sense a chemical in her system, one that seems to have been keeping her awake for weeks despite her kind's need for sleep. Suddenly, I hear Twilight laugh, and she manages to loosen me from her face long enough to taunt me:

"You think you can put me to sleep? I've had ten cups of coffee before now! You'd need a lot more than this to make me blink!" Twilight exclaims, and I curse myself for not anticipating that she would prepare herself for anything, even my anesthetic venom! But I can't give up yet, seeing as my survival rides on this fight, so I adjust my plan a little bit, and move myself into position to choke her out. If I can't drug her, then I'll knock her out the old-fashioned way! So, our struggle continues, and I soon get my tail around her neck, but in my haste, I leave myself open, and Twilight grabs me, and yanks me off of her, tossing me into the suit at full force, leaving me dazed and weak, unable to even move as she towers over me, laughing and glaring at me.

"Alright, leech, prepare for your examina-" She manages, until a loud 'clang' rings out, causing her face to go blank for a second, before she mutters something again. "Uhhhn..." Twilight groans, before collapsing on the floor. And there, behind her, are...

"S-Slizt..? Illkurok..?" I manage to think, seeing the two familiar shapes, one of which was holding a frying pan, when the two look at each other, then at me. Then, Slizt speaks up first, breaking the silence.

"Vitals are weak. Looks like the broad got him before we could." Slizt says, confusing me. 'before we could'? What's going on..?

"I don't know, I smell life from him. He's not dead, and he's still conscious." Illkurok says, and Slizt replies.

"Hmm... I see it, too. But he won't be either for long, so we'd better get moving. Take that logbook and let's git." Slizt says, and at that moment, I find the strength to get up, surprising the two, and voice my concerns.

"What..? You two... aren't you going to take me with you..?" I ask, and Illkurok smiles, a predatory, evil smile, and Slizt responds, his face expressionless.

"Well, he's really alive. Well, sorry to rain on your parade, leech, but we're not taking you." Slizt says, and I feel my hearts drop as a feeling of dread and confusion washes over me like a tidal wave.

"W-what..?! Why..?" I manage, and Illkurok finally chuckles a little, and speaks:

"Because, you're not one of us. And if you're not absolutely with Malideus, you're absolutely against us." Illkurok says, and though I'm confused and heartbroken by this turn of events, I still manage to continue. I have to know why!

"B-but... why..? I helped you devils... and your master... isn't that enough?" I ask, and Slizt responds first:

"You may have helped us get away with this little trip, but what have you really done for Malideus lately? You're still with Terridax, and we know you've been helping that robot influence the boss." Slizt explains, and Illkurok joins in after, worsening my sense of irrepressible dread.

"Plus, you're kinda useless. I mean, look at this! You managed to knock out a guard and a rank-entitled doofus, and then lose to said doof's little sister. Way I see it, Malideus is better off not worrying about your sorry tail, leech. Like I said, nothing personal. Just business." Illkurok finishes, and I feel my insides twist up in a flurry of emotions I can't even begin to describe. I've... been betrayed?

"H-how... how could you know Terridax was influencing Malideus..?" I ask, and Slizt steps forward, brandishing a small, brass box of some kind, with hundreds of little tubes, wires, and antennae protruding from it.

"This is my latest creation, the Mental-Analytic Wave Interception Device, or M.A.W.I.D, for short. With this, Me and Illkurok have not only been tracking you throughout the castle without your knowing, but we've also picked up on some disturbing thoughts, including those involving your allegiance to that Makuta fellow, as well as transmissions from his universe, which we have followed to Malideus himself." Slizt says, taking a breath, and he continues. "So, in short, we knew about your little operation from the beginning, leech... we were just waiting to catch you in a place where your untimely 'disappearance' wouldn't be questioned by the boss." Slizt explains, leaving me feeling as empty as possible inside.

"But... what of Malideus... he'll surely ask what happened..." I retort, but Illkurok just grins, and replies with grim amusement in his voice:

"Heh, Don't worry about him. We'll tell him the truth: That you, while risking your life to obtain top-secret pony information, were caught while searching a lab that, unfortunately, was simply too well-guarded, and you oh-so-valiantly gave your life to give us time to escape." Illkurok explains, his face full of malicious glee, and Slizt nods, his expression still unreadable. Then, Illkurok continues.

"...So, in a way, you should be thanking us for this; instead of turning you in like we SHOULD, we're giving you the honor of being the martyr in this situation. You'll be hailed as a 'hero' over there, while in reality, you were just a pawn for someone who underestimated us devils a bit too much for his own good." Illkurok finishes, and I remain silent, but not because I have nothing to say; I simply am too weak to do anything now, and I feel my vision going dark as my strength wanes. But before I go out, I see Slizt and Illkurok walk away, taking the logbook with them, but ignoring Twilight and the suit. Then, as they leave, my vision fades to black, and I fall into unconsciousness....

Meanwhile, from Malideus's point of view...

I can't help but feel a sense of dread as I await my two devils and Jarvis, who have been gone since yesterday. It's so ominous, the way that this is all going. Gods wanting a piece of me, one trying to control me, and the robot I thought was pretty cool just went and stabbed me in the back, along with his leech friend. Now, I'm starting to consider cutting off all alliances altogether, to save me the pain. But, I still need who I've got, so I wait for them, three in particular. However, I do not need to wait long, because soon, I hear Mizzy approach, hopefully with good news. Taking the initiative, I speak first:

"Hey, Mizzy. News?" I ask simply, trying to avoid long conversation.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Oh, and I'm doing well, thanks for asking." Mizzy replies spitefully, and I sigh, my feelings consisting of mostly wanting to be left in peace, but that's no excuse to be rude to my accomplices. After all, it's just bad form, and leaves room for more rebellion. So, I swallow my pride for a second, and apologize.

"...Sorry, Mizzy, I've just been stressed lately. Please, don't mind me. What's the word?" I ask, and Mizzy seems to loosen up, and replies.

"Apology accepted, Mal. I know that this has gotta be tough on you. Oh, by the way, those devils you sent to Canterlot are back, but the leech isn't with them." Mizzy says, and I sigh, feeling a mix between joy for the devils returning, disappointment for losing another minion, and a mix of both after realizing he was probably a traitor. But how can I know?

"Thanks, Mizzy. I'll greet them myself." I say, and Mizzy shrugs, walking away. Then, sure enough, Slizt and Illkurok walk right up the ramp, and kneel before me. Then, they both get up, and I address them both respectively.

"Slizt. Illkurok. So, what's the word?" I ask, and the two begin their report.

"We have succeeded in our mission, sir; the information from the castle is here: They only know of your summoning of Terridax, and they are working on a suit to mimic his abilities." Illkurok says, and then Slizt takes over from there, giving me a small logbook and a continuation of the report:

"However, sir, this information was not without cost: During the retrieval of this book, a member of our team was lost." Slizt says, and I raise my hand, interrupting him.

"Yes, I can see that. Where IS Jarvis, exactly?" I ask, and Slizt and Illkurok look at each other, then at me, before Slizt answers back:

"You see, sir, during retrieval of this information, Jarvis was killed in action by Twilight Sparkle herself. In an attempt to buy us more time to escape, he engaged her, and it was only a matter of moments before he was torn apart by her." Slizt says, and frankly, I'm absolutely stunned. Jarvis... saved these two..? I thought he was a pawn of Terridax... Why would he do that..?

"Jarvis... saved you two?" I asked, still in a state of disbelief. And to my shock, the two solemnly nodded.

"Indeed. We didn't even have time to destroy the lab, though, which is why we suggest an immediate assault on Canterlot right now, so we don't risk the ponies learning anything else from Jarvis's remains." Slizt says, and I actually agree with him. Jarvis... Dammit, why do I keep losing people to these fucking ponies!? Still, I calm myself, and think. Okay... So, Jarvis apparently sacrificed himself to ensure I got this information... and the ponies are copying Terridax's technology to combat me, and will likely use Jarvis's body to further their goals. Well... if he did in fact do this, then I owe it to him to finish these pestilent ponies once and for all.

"... Right. You two, go get Kelias and tell him to make me a new H.O.U.N.D, but make this one the biggest he can. This time, I need something even Celestia, Luna, Ragnek, or anyone in that damn city can't wreck. Can you two do this?" I ask, and both nod, get up, and leave, leaving me to stew in my mixed emotions, none of them particularly positive.

Tonight, Celestia... Twilight... Luna... Tonight, you all die.

And now, to Celestia! Keh heh heh...

I looked at the mirror before me, in the armory where me and my sister Luna had retreated to to attempt something drastic once word of Malideus sending spies into our own castle had reached us. As I looked into the reflective glass, I took note of the armor I now wore, courtesy of Nathan himself, who turned out to be quite the accomplished metalsmith, even if the designs were a bit... impractical. For what I was wearing was a grand suit of armor, bronze in color and make, a strange make that involved many, many plates, and a plated 'dress' that circled my legs, and went down to my ankles. Then, as I finished looking at the armor, I looked at the helmet in my hands, which looked like a lion's head... or was it a wolf? I honestly could not tell, but it was certainly terrifying to behold.

Yes, even though it certainly did not seem practical, it certainly allowed for great movement nonetheless, and was definitely sturdy, and certainly not hard to look at. He had also made a new spear for me to use with the set, but I politely declined: My lance is all I need. And now, if Malideus was going to pull what I thought he was, I am certainly prepared, as is my sister, though she seems less enthusiastic about her armor than I...

"Sister, I understand that I have had a brief history of losing to Malideus, but... is this armor really necessary?" I hear Luna ask, and I turn around to see she has already donned her suit, sans the helmet; the set that, for all intents and purposes, looked like an obese human, though made of the same materials as mine, and with similar origin, by the look of it. An odd design, and not one that Luna was fond of, though the armor did allow good movement, and provided good protection. But still, it wasn't going to win any contests in elegant design.

"Well, I'm sorry, sister, but it was the only armor that could guarantee your protection from Malideus. At least you get a better weapon!" I try to reason, but Luna still seems against the idea of wearing it into battle.

"Yes, the hammer is a rather impressive addition to my arsenal, but this armor is absolutely ridiculous! Why in Equestria can I not have armor at least as practical-looking as yours? Or at least something thinner?" Luna asks, and I sigh, unable to find an answer.

"I don't know, sister, Nathan just said that these were popular designs where he was from." I reply, and Luna sighs, looking over her armor again.

"... Humans are an odd race, then." Luna says flatly, and I nodded, looking at my odd armor as well.

"Yes... odd." Is all I can say in reply. Even so, with this boon, we now have the means necessary to finally beat Malideus back, and hopefully defeat him for good this time... Fate willing, that is.

*BOOM!!!!*

I hear the explosion, and the whole castle rocks from the force, almost toppling us both, and leaving us both to wonder what just happened.

"S-sister, what was that!?" Luna asks, and I regain my footing, and look toward the door of the throne room.

"I don't know, Luna... but I think Malideus had something to do with it." I reply, glaring grimly at the explosion's general direction.

"...What do we do, Celestia? Do... do we fight it?" Luna asks, and I ponder this for a moment, and make my decision.

"No. Let it go. We have to prepare for an assault from Malideus, and this isn't him: that explosion was too small. Let's go prepare, Luna. Trust me, he'll come when he's ready." I say, and Luna nods in response. Then, silently, we make our way to the main lobby, to wait for Malideus. I know he's coming. He has to. And I don't think he's coming alone.

Meanwhile, with our Kraata friend...

"... Ugh... What... Where... am I..?" I ponder, seeing only darkness around me. Where am I, anyway? I... I don't remember... and my head hurts... what is this place...? I try to regain my bearings, but all attempts are thwarted by a lack of information or memory of this place. But despite this, I feel calm... tranquil, even. I just... have to get up... So, I try once. I find myself on my back, so I try rolling over once, and fail, but I try again, and find success on the second attempt.

That done, at last, I look around, my vision blurry, but it quickly adjusts, and I see... tables... test tubes... a rock... where am I? More importantly... WHO am I? I try to remember how I got here, but I have absolutely nothing, not even my name. Even my species is unclear to me, though I do seem to have a widespread vocabulary. Suddenly, interrupting my thoughts, I hear a soft groan, and I look over to see a... creature, of some kind, with purple fur, and wearing a white lab coat. A doctor... here? In this dreary, ominous place? It appears to be a lab of some kind... Could it...

Could I have been born here? It only makes sense, after all. but if this is my birthplace... then what is my name? Seeking an answer, I look around the room, past the unconscious scientist lady, and finally behind me. Then as I look, I see something: A humanoid figure... like a suit. a strange suit... and I feel drawn to it.

I look at where the head should be, and I see it would fit me perfectly, so ignoring the strange scientist for now, I slide toward the strange construct, and slide right into the groove in between the shoulders, and I fit right in, like I was meant for this suit. Could it be... could this be what I was made for? To control this suit? I don't know... but I like this thing. It feels natural. suddenly, plates in front of the neck raise, and I feel something clasp around my back, and I panic at first as the suit springs to life, causing the arms to flail, and they break the chains, so I fall. But as I land, I calm down.

I then begin to turn my head, and soon realize that the neck plates move with my worm-like body, giving me a field of vision.

"Huh... cool..." I think, but I soon cringe as the 'thought' booms out into the room, from the suit itself! It... it allows me to talk. Rather inconvenient for more private thoughts, but whatever, I'll fix that later. But right now, I need to find out...

"Uhhn... Uhhhh..." the scientist lady groans, and I suddenly remember that she's hurt. So, without another thought, I move my legs, which takes a while to get used to, but I manage with startling quickness. It's like I've done this before! Anyway, I then begin to walk over to the hurt scientist, and I shake her still body with my hand, inciting another groan, and the girl's eyes twitch, but stay closed.

"Huh... Hmm... H-hang on..." I mutter through my suit, and I move my left arm under her, and hoist the unconscious creature over my shoulder. Then, without delay, I walk over to what I assumed to be the exit, seeing as there was a door, but when I try to open it, I find it locked. Well, damn. This kid's hurt, I've no memory of anything, and we're trapped in here. If only I had a... wait. As I look to my right arm, I notice something: a large mechanism of some kind. If it is what I think it is...

"I... guess I'll have to find out..." I state, and without another word, I point the massive gauntlet at the door... and I'm nearly deafened by a massive explosion, one that rocks the whole place, and leaves a massive hole in the wall.

"Tre' bon... wait, what?" I say, wondering what I said, and in what language. But eventually, I decide that it doesn't matter, and I lift the unconscious scientist lady up again, and step outside, looking around. This place... these white halls, big, well-lit windows... it almost seems surreal. But still, despite my feelings of awe, I march on, still toting the strange creature, and I eventually find a couch, setting her down on it, in hopes someone will find her.

So, I walk away, hoping to find an exit to this place. This place... that seems so familiar. But I can't remember... I can't remember anything, try as I might, not even my own name...

'Kanden...'

The word drifts through my mind, and I catch it, reading it, in a sense. 'Kanden'?... This word... what the hell does it mean? I try to think on it, but as I do, the word keeps repeating in my head, and I soon begin to wonder... could that be... my name?

"Kanden... My name... is Kanden..?" I ponder aloud, holding my head to the side in a gesture of puzzlement. "... I like it... It's catchy." I finally say, deciding that word to be my name. I don't know a lot of things, though, like my purpose, my origins... I mean, there's no way I was made in such a simple lab as that one. I have to know who and what I am... but before I can do that, I first have to find an exit from here... wherever 'here' is.

However, as I begin to look for an exit, I hear something behind me... hundreds of 'somethings'. Curious, I turn around, hoping to see what the hell was making that noise... and I immediately wish I hadn't.

"Huh..? What the hell?" I say, and soon I see a whole army come running at me from the other end of the hall. And I don't know why, but I don't think they're here to give me directions. Finally, the group of golden-armored creatures is upon me, and they all have swords drawn and pointed at me, making me feel very uncomfortable.

"Halt! On your knees, creature! Now!" The one in front yells at me, and in my confusion, I simply stand there, look from side to side, and tilt my head quizzically.

"Are... you talking to ME?" I ask, pointing to myself. Suddenly, the lead creature lunges at me, swing his sword in an attempt to cut me.

"I said ON YOUR KNEES!!!" The creature yells as he swings, and I dodge the first swipe by instinct, and the next swing ends with his sword catching my shoulder... and immediately shattering. Okay... so these guy aren't friendly. Guess that means I don't have to be, either. So, cracking my mechanical knuckles, I tower over the flabbergasted armored creature, and give my polite response:

"Alright... How 'bout YOU get on YOUR knees, bitch?" I ask, leering at the terrified soldier. Suddenly, the soldier scrambles away, and the others jump back, obviously terrified of me.

"Uh... maybe we could just settle for 'hands up'..?" another soldier asks, and I turn my gaze to him, and watch as he and everyone next to him shrinks away from me like scared pups. "... Or maybe not..." He finishes, and as I finally turn around to walk away, I turn my head to make sure no one cheap-shot's me, and seeing no one attempt it, I walk away, completely unhindered. Soon, I find the giant double doors that simply HAD to be the exit, open them with little effort, and walk into the outside, finally free of that bland, wretched place.

But still, I have no answers to my questions, and that frustrates me. But I have to make due, maybe find somewhere to hide outside of this city. Soon enough, I find my answer: As I walk through the abandoned streets, I notice many pieces of paper, all bearing a face on them... or close enough, anyway. I look and see one by my feet, so I reach down to pick it up, and I find I read this odd language quite well, for some reason. So, I read the paper, and find the answer to at least one of my questions:

"Wanted: Malideus. Location: Everfree Forest, to the south. If found, report to Princess Celestia immediately, do not engage. Reward for capture, dead or alive: 100,000,000 bits. Preferred dead."

"So... this Malideus character is wanted here... And for quite a handsome price, too..." I ponder aloud, re-reading the reward; one million 'bits', whatever those are, and maybe the respect of whoever's in charge here... I could do that. But with a reward so high, he must be immeasurably dangerous. Maybe I should capture him... or maybe join him..? I'm not sure. But either way, I need answers, and this guy, dangerous as he is, might just have them. Or, if I end up shooting him first, I could take him to this 'Celestia' character, and have HER tell me my history? Well... either way, I win.

So, with a destination in mind, I begin my trek south, toward this 'Everfree forest', and hopefully, toward some answers.

Author's Note

Oh shit! Well, that happened.

Oh, and if you don't get the progression with 'Kanden', or formerly 'Jarvis', and why the devils betrayed him, then read up on Ssendamthemasked's 'Casting a Shadow'. You'll get it then.

And finally, Ha! I put my biggest dark souls reference yet in here, and I'll make a bigger one next chapter! Suck it!

And now, moar godz! Because I CAN!!!

Drolluxis: Old God of energy and storms. Drolluxis appears to few mortals on his own will, but when he does, he takes the form of a swirling mass of storm clouds, with a great red eye in the center. He is a vengeful and destructive old god, but is also an ingenious creator. His alignment is with Malideus, though he does not fully trust him. Drolluxis is allies with Goblada, Behemat, and Kragda-Maul, but enemies with Luft, Klein, and Lumi.

Oad: Old god of fear, psychosis, murder, and the undead. Oad, of all the old gods, is the least talked of, next to Ragnek, and his very name is said to invite death to those around the speaker. Oad is the only Old god that still has major influence over the world, since the royal sisters cannot quell 'the basest desires and instincts of all living things'. Oad is a despicable, horrendous creature of misery and destruction, but is not without his merits. In addition to murder, Oad also grants true sight to the blind and easily led, which many mistake for paranoia, and he gives strength to the weak and underprivileged, resulting in what many call 'revolution', and he alone can reveal both the best and the worst in sentient beings. Oad often takes a form befitting his grotesque nature, appearing as a gargantuan, serpentine abomination with a long spine, thousands of skeletal legs, and a cow skull with only one red, leering eye for a head. As of now, he seems to be pro-Malideus, but this may be subject to change. Oad, like a few old gods, has no allies, and many enemies.

Lithia: Old goddess of healing and mercy, and mother of Sillia, 'new' Old goddess of Healing and Mercy. Lithia is a unique Old god (or goddess) in the sense that she alone is ignored by Ragnek, and maintains a presence on Equestria that is felt by all. She usually appears to mortals in a form befitting her kindred, warm personality: A tall, graceful female humanoid, with a chime in one hand, and a medicine staff in another. Her views on Malideus are dull, but she and Sillia both believe he can be saved, and opt to take no action against him.

Gethys: Old god of death, the passage of death, and death's destination: the afterlife. Gethys is probably the only Old god with no successor, but it is likely that he does not need one, seeing that he is effectively immune to Ragnek's influence, being the God of death. Gethys is portrayed as the silent ferryman of the dead, gathering their souls to his boat, and helping them cross over from the waking world, to the land of the dead, and when enticed to appear, he does so in the form of a tall, lanky, robed figure, with no face to speak of, it being hidden in the shadow of his cowl. Gethys has ferried many, many souls in his years, but since Malideus came, his business has boomed, and the Old god is simply happy to be as active as he is, and has Malideus to thank for that. However, this does not mean he sides with Malideus, and he will actively avoid any affairs involving the wizard, save for ferrying the dead he has slain.

Gol-Garoth: Old god of rot, filth, and pestilence. Gol-Garoth, despite his charge, is a very aggressive Old god, and his hatred of all things pristine and beautiful has led into many a fight with many empires, and he has been the ruin of all of them. Not much else is known of this Old god, but he seems to find Malideus as the perfect instrument of all Gol-Garoth stands for. Gol-Garoth is hated by (and hates) Mundas, Luft, Sylphia, Klein, Djiin-Gytaxes (surprisingly), and Lumi, but is allied with Gethys, Goblada, Tyrranax, Rusty Shackleford (also surprisingly), and his son: N'Wal'gath.

Sylphia: 'New' Old goddess of light, purity, and beauty. It is unknown who Sylphia's parent was, as they died during the sealing of Ragnek the Unmaker, but this does little to dampen the spirits of this Old god, who continues to bless many empires with the beauty of eternity, though Shoggoth, Gol-Garoth, Tyrranax, Kaijurax and N'Wal'gath constantly attempt to thwart her at every turn, by destroying every civilization Sylphia blesses. However, Sylphia still always finds a new people to grace every day, and each promise of happiness and every smiling face gives her a little more power each day... that is, until Malideus showed up. Sylphia is allied with all but a select few Old gods, and her only real outspoken enemies are Gol-Garoth, Tyrranax, and Shoggoth. Her views on Malideus are quite bleak, and if it was in her nature, she would've up and slapped the evil crap out of him a year ago. In fact, she might just be leaning toward that course of action as we speak...

Gaian-Surr: 'New' Old god of art, decadence, greed, and power. Basically, he is the politician of the world of the Old gods, and it is said that, unlike any other Old god, he was once a mortal being before he was a god. However, his lust for power and wealth was so great, his being filled a void in the pantheon, ascending him to the luxurious status of godhood. But even with his near-perfect status, Gaian-Surr still seeks more and more wealth and power for himself and his followers, and even godhood has done little to sate his thirst for gold, power, and rare and expensive wine. It is said that when he was still mortal, Gaian-Surr was a member of a race that pre-dated ponykind, Griffonkind, and any other race that exists today, a race that was so magically and technologically powerful, it drove itself to extinction after a war that almost rendered the planet inhospitable. If this is true, then surely it wouldn't seem so far-fetched if more of them ascended with Gaian-Surr...
Gain-Surr's thoughts on Malideus are not hostile, and he actually finds the wizard to be a unique asset, though the reason why is unknown. His allies are few, though few dare to oppose him outright, due to his charismatic, if somewhat intimidating, nature... Except, of course, Mundas.

Noxus: 'New' Old god of ice, cold, and justice, and son of Goblada, Old god of earth and mountains. Noxus is an extremely virtuous and zealous Old god, and he and his followers desire nothing more than to distribute cold, hard justice wherever it is due, without loopholes and technicalities obstructing his righteous duty. Appearance-wise, he appears to mortals as a tall, bipedal creature of insectile build, with segmented digitigrade legs and bladed arms. But, though impressive in appearance, his personality is quite dull, with little in the way of humor or mercy. For some reason, he despises the ponies, and supports Malideus wholeheartedly in his endeavors... for now. Noxus is allied with Goblada, Ne-Gok-Sa, and Drolluxis, but is direct enemies with Gaian-Surr, Su-Bak-Na, Keenok, Tyrranax, Sylphia, Djinn-Gytaxes, Lithia and Sillia.

Ch.31: The Wizardslayer, pt.2: To be continued...

Center stage, Malideus!

It's mid-day, and I'm still sitting on my throne, waiting for something to happen. Not an hour ago, I sent two devils named Slizt and Illkurok to file a request with Kelias to make me a mech worthy of the name, and they have yet to return, leaving me with my thoughts and Mizzy. Granted, she is decent enough company, I just hate waiting for something interesting to happen. But still, I wait, because patience is rewarded... or so I hear.

"Gee... sure is boring around here..." I hear Kherrie say, yawning as she sits next to me, and I don't even bother asking what she's doing here. But, I do reply:

"My girl, this peace is what all true warriors strive for." I respond sleepily, and Kherrie just looks ahead, takes a breath, and responds.

"I just wonder what Celestia's up to..." Kherrie says, and my mind suddenly drifts off, pondering the very some thought as Kherrie...

Meanwhile, in Canterlot, from our favorite angry marine's perspective... I speak of Nathan, you know.

Celestia paced about before a group of guards and a civilian pony, dressed in rather flamboyant clothing and a bored expression, as I watched by the throne, her face calm, but her eyes blazing with in internal fury like I'd never seen. From where I stood, I feared that Celestia would've vaporized everyone in the room, but she didn't, and instead of speaking in a way that betrayed her anger, she spoke softly, and to the guards, reciting the briefing they had just recently gave her.

" ...So... you're telling me that it's gone?" Celestia asks, gazing at the floor angrily as she paced back and forth like a stalking wolf, made even more intimidating in the new armor she donned (which I made, by the way. Go me!), which bore the likeness of none other than my favorite boss in the first game I could think of at the moment, Dragonslayer Ornstein. But after only a moment of waiting, a guard spoke up, slight fear in his tone.

"Um... well... Yes. We tried to stop it, but..." The guard trailed off, and Celestia snapped around to face him, expression full of anger and eyes burning with the desire to destroy, and cut in.

"But what? Were you all scared of TWO DEVILS and a SLUG!? Have you all finally lost your ever-loving minds!? What about them could have possibly been SOOO terrifying, that when given the option, you all just stood there and let them escape?" Celestia snapped, causing the guards to cringe, but the civilian stood stoic, undaunted by the princess's wrath.

"W-well, that's just it, ma'am... he... the suit... the leech was..." The cowed guard stammered, when the civilian finally intervened, raising his hand, and finishing the guard's sentence for him;

"The guard you've just caused to soil himself means to say that the suit I made, thanks to YOUR carelessness, Celestia, was not taken out; it simply walked out, which is exactly what happens when you place such, no offence, low-quality security on a bio-armor designed to perfectly mimic the abilities of a DARK GOD." the flamboyantly-dressed pony says, pushing their glasses further up onto their face. Meanwhile, the guards all back away from the pony as Celestia turns to him, not happy in the slightest with his 'opinion'.

"Dr. Radiant Heind..." Celestia begins, but the gender-unspecific Dr. stops her, correcting Celestia mid-sentence.

"Excuse, I believe we've been over this: it's Dr. Sane, if you please." The Dr. says, and Celestia glares at them, but continues after a moment's pause.

"I didn't ask for your new identity, Heind. I want to remind you very clearly that the terms of your freedom were a perfect weapon, the means to use it, and you undying cooperation in the capture of Malideus. Instead, you got the first part done, and somehow failed to meet the requirements for term number two! How am I supposed to cooperate with you, Doctor, when you keep giving me nothing to work with?" Celestia asks, and Dr. Heind looks at her quizzically, then replies.

"Well, under normal circumstances, princess, I simply couldn't give a damn about your agenda. But that suit was my legacy, and the world's most notorious villain just up and swiped it from right under YOUR nose, leaving ME with no weapon, no way to build another one, and one angry princess on my ass." Dr. Sane comments, sighing, and he then continues, despite Celestia death glare.

"You see where I'm going with this, princess. Malideus, that asshole that almost destroyed us as a species, just took a suit designed to mimic a god, and has every reason to use it. But even so, Celestia, I'm not angry. In fact, I'm happy about this whole ordeal; it means that we've finally found a leader more competent than you." Dr. Sane finally finishes ranting, leaving every guard in the room, including me, looking shocked out of their minds, and the Princess looking like she had been slapped in the face. Hard.

"... Give me... one good reason, doctor Radiant Heind... that I shouldn't just destroy you where you stand?" Celestia puffed, veins popping in her head from all her sudden, new-found anger. But Dr. Heind just smiled a cocky grin, and happily replied:

"Because, as Malideus would say: 'You don't have the balls, princess'. You can huff and puff all you want, princess, but the only move you'll make is to turn me back into a lawn ornament. Now, if this pointless meeting is done, I'm leaving." Heind says, and Celestia stomps her hoof in an attempt to stop him, and calls out to the exiting doctor:

"Where do you think YOU'RE going, Heind!?" Celestia asks loudly, but Dr. Sane makes no reaction, save a single reply:

"To find my KN-D3-N suit that YOU lost, Princess. Now if you'll excuse me..." Dr. Heind says, and without another word, he/she walks out of the throne room, leaving a very, very stunned and pissed-looking Celestia behind.

"... You all are dismissed. I... have some thinking to do." Celestia says quietly, and the other guards leave without another word. But as I try to leave, Celestia stops me, a look of concern on her face. "Not you, Nathan. I need something from you specifically." Celestia says, and I turn, and reply nervously.

"Um... yeah..?" I reply quickly, not quite enthusiastic for whatever Celestia had in store for me.

"Nathan, I have one task for you, and you're the only one I can trust with it." Celestia says, and, though uncertain, I reply.

"What would you require of me, Princess?" I ask, and Celestia looks back to me, and replies.

"I need you to finish this, once and for all. You alone must find Malideus, and destroy him. You are the only one he fears, and the only one he has had any difficulty with. Find him... and destroy him. Do this, and this can all end, and we can return to our better, older lives. Can you do this?" She asks, and, honestly, I don't want to. I've been thinking, and I wonder if Malideus is right: These ponies really DON'T know how to protect themselves properly. Only a few months I've been here, and I've seen no miracles in our favor. What if this is all for nothing? I certainly feel that way sometimes...

...No, this isn't the way I should be thinking. I arrived here for the sole purpose of protecting these ponies from Malideus, and I'm going to do just that. So, my resolve strengthened, I bow my head and reply:

"It will be done, your highness." I say, though my tone comes out a little grim. Still, Celestia seems pleased with this, and without further ado, I exit the room and set out to begin my trek as Celestia went to her guards to discuss the capture of Dr. Sano's robot suit.

But still, as I walk, I have to wonder for myself at least one thing; How easy is it going to be to defeat Malideus? No one else could do it, so what chance do I have?

... Well, I suppose that's not for me to think about, is it? I said I'd do it, that I'd finally defeat Malideus, and I will do just that... or die trying.

And back to Malideus

I find my self drifting back into reality soon enough, not knowing what exactly I was thinking about to begin with, when suddenly, I hear a faint sound, like the wooshing of air, and I think that it's Mizzy returning from her visit with her Uncle Bolas (something about him needing help with a few pesky Planeswalkers), but I seem to be mistaken, because as soon as I hear it, Kherrie perks up, and starts glaring around the room.

"...Hey Mal... did you hear something?" Kherrie asks, but I feel like taking a nap, due to the quiet of today, so I answer quickly and tiredly.

"Nah, you're just hearing things. Now, let me sleep, will ya? I gotta wait... *yawn*... for that mech..." I drift off, and I finally pass out, too tired for no reason. But instead of my usual dream, which involves putting Celestia's head on a spike made from one of Ragnek's teeth, I dream about something... different. Indeed, I seem to have appeared in a strange place, like Canterlot castle, but with a lot more paintings, expensive-looking pillows and furniture, and gold coins piled into corners. So... I'm in a Jewish genie's lamp, now? Before I can ask that out loud, though, I hear a deep, rumbling voice call out from the far side of the room.

"Ah, Malideus. The rumors of your exploits do you no justice, it seems. I'd ask you to take a seat, but... well, seems that there's no point there." The voice says, and I look over to the source, and immediately panic/freak out, for the massive thing at the other end of the room was none other than some kind of giant, muscle-bound monstrosity with even bigger muscles than Kragda-Maul, clad in golden armored leggings, donning a great, extravagant red cape, and had a tapered, reptilian head, but with long, flowing tendrils all down the back of the head and neck, and freakin' claws that had to be two feet long each. And yet, despite my understandable jump, he just sat there, giving me the same uncaring look the whole time with his red, pupil-less eyes while casually holding a glass of what I assume is wine. Finally, after I calmed down, he took a moment, then spoke.

"... Are you quite finished messing up my couch? Or shall I wait for another panic attack?" the monster asks, and I take some offense.

"Hey, you pulled me here, wherever 'here' is, without so much as a letter first. Now who are you, and what do you want?" I ask quickly, and the beast smiles slightly, sets his glass down on a coffee table next to his seat, and replies.

"Well, aren't we hasty today. Well, before you leaped three feet into the air, I was going to explain that. I... am Gaian-Surr, one of the wealthiest and most influential of Old gods... mayhap you've heard of me?" The giant sliver-looking thing asks, and ponder, but have to say no.

"Umm... No. Never heard of you." I reply simply, and Gaian-Surr's smug grin quickly fades, but his attitude seems unaffected.

"Hmm... Disappointing, but I cannot say I'm surprised: Your friend Kherrie seems to be lacking in giving you information about others of our kind, despite you previously assigning her that task." Gaian-Surr says, his knowing and slightly sinister smile returning. But wait, back up, how did he know I assigned Kherrie with questioning Old gods? Seeing no reason not to, I try that question, seeing nothing else to say to this Gaian-Surr guy.

"Uh... How could you know I was the one who sent Kherrie?" I ask, causing Gaian-Surr to chuckle, and then respond with straightforward demeanor:

"Simple, boy... she's been parading around the pantheon for a day now, demanding that we tell her our agendas, and claiming this invasion of privacy to be on YOUR orders." Gaian-Surr snidely answers, and I feel a sweat break out under my helmet, despite this being a vision, or something. Still, using MY name!? I told her to be quiet about it!

"So, is that what your here for, then? To extort an apology or something from me?" I ask, Causing Gaian-Surr to rub his chin thoughtfully for a moment, but it's not long before a response comes from him.

"Extort... good choice of word, my boy, one of my favorites. But unfortunately, No. Actually, I'd sooner commemorate you for such a gutsy move on your part. See, I've been monitoring you recently, boy, and needless to say, you'e somehow managed to catch my interest in the short time I've known you." Gaian-Surr explains, and then he picks his half-full wine glass back up, taking a sip, and then he sets the glass down, and continues.

"Yes, quite an intriguing product... So much potential for profit, or cost, and just as likely to fly in either direction. See, boy, I came here not just to congratulate on terrifying half the pantheon through that ballsy move with Kherrie alone, I came to strike a, how do you say it nowadays, 'mutually profitable arrangement' between yourself and I, if you'd be willing to hear it." Gaian-Surr says, buttering me up with his words, and I admit, it's working. Plus, I hear the words 'mutually profitable' in that sentence; how can I resist listening?

"Go on..." I say, interested in this Old god's offer.

"Well, as with all business, you are a product. A dangerous, volatile, and extremely unpredictable product, but a very potentially profitable one, depending on your goals. And luckily for you, my goals just so happen to coincide with yours. We are, in a sense, the same, you and I. You want to burn the Pony civilization to the ground; I want to SEE it burnt to the ground. You want Ragnek dead for good; I, too, want to see Ragnek dead. Both of us, whether you know it or not, have very similar orgins, and very, very similar agendas. And with such potential for gain, what kind of fool WOULDN'T want to take a risk to see this potential market blossom? Do you understand my meaning?" Gaian-Surr asks, and I think on it for a second, but soon get an idea through all the talk of profit and honeyed words.

"You... want to invest in me..?" I ask, and Gaian-Surr claps once, a full-blown smile stretched across his face.

"Yes! Very astute, boy. As a matter of fact, I was insinuating just that." The businesslike Old god says, but before he can continue, I press a question of my own:

"Okay, but what exactly do you intend to invest in through me? What do I have to offer you, if you crave material stuff?" I ask, not letting the notes of my surroundings go to waste; this guy, he likes stuff, and expensive, fragile stuff at that. I, however, like to break that kind of stuff. So just what, I ask, is this guy's angle? As I ask this, Gaian-Surr seems taken aback for a moment, but soon regains his composure, and proceeds to answer my question.

"You have much to offer me, Malideus, you are simply too short-sighted to see it: See, I'm not simply investing in a weapon with only a narrow scale of effect... I am investing in the future! See, with the ponies gone, thanks to you, a new race will move in, and likely pledge their allegiance to the conqueror himself, that being you, and his patron deity, that being me. So in the end, I get my investment back in double, and you get, well, whatever it is you want. The loot, the women, the satisfaction, it's all yours to take... And all you have to do is blow up one little city. That's it." Gaian-Surr says, and he then extends his clawed, ring-adorned hand, expecting me to shake it.

"So, Malideus... do we have a deal?" He finally asks, and I was, for a second, convinced there and then that this guy was Satan. But what he was saying made sense: If I took this deal, I'd have the power of a real god (no offence, Kherrie) on my side, and all I'd have to do to pay him back was topple an entire civilization. So what else could I say? No? This was an offer a guy only gets on a day where all the good luck he's ever gathered is put into one moment, and then some. But still, I had a reputation to uphold, and I didn't intend on making any more deals with any more Old gods, seeing as they were naturally a deceptive bunch. But even so, I didn't want to make enemies with this one. Hmm... join, don't join... Join, don't join... Ah, fuck it. Why not?

"Well... Fine. But I'm not making a deal, here, just acknowledging a mutual benefit." I say, shaking the massive Old god's clawed hand. Then, Gaian-Surr smiled wider, and we shook on it.

"My boy... I'd have it no other way. As I said, it's an investment; an idea, nothing more." Gaian-Surr says, and I feel like getting up, but as I do, Gaian-Surr stops me, having one last thing to say. "Ah, and before I forget, Malideus... This came in my mail for you. I honestly don't know what it is, but the fact that it's sent from a mister 'Nicol Bolas' tells me that it may be important." Gaian-Surr finishes, and he hands to me a letter of sorts, neatly folded into a square. And without another word, I awake in my chair, and Kerrie is right in my face.

"Yo... Mal... you okay? You went stiff for a second there." Kherrie says, and I nod, but quickly groan and clutch my head, feeling a headache coming on... when I see a piece of paper in my hand.

"... Ah, shit." I manage, before Kherrie gets up again, and starts acting worried.

"Mal! What's wrong!? Is it Luna? Ragnek's ghost? Is Khorne sending those death threats again?" Kherrie asks, and I get up from my seat, and answer as best I can.

"No, It's not Luna, it's not Ragnek, and it's not... wait, what was that about death threats?" I ask, and Kherrie covers her mouth, a shocked expression on her face.

"Oop! I wasn't supposed to let you know about that!" Kherrie says, and I quickly become annoyed of this little game, and I decide to end it before it really takes off.

"Kherrie... what was that about death threats?" I ask sternly, and Kherrie seems pensive for a moment, but answers anyway, seeing as her short attention span prevents her from keeping a secret for long.

"Uh, well, see... Khorne has recently taken to sending cosmic death threats written in blood and inscribed on patches of human skin... we've been hiding them in the magma chamber since they started arriving." Kherrie says, and I groan in annoyance at the withholding of knowledge, but I'm not mad at her; I'm sure Mizzy had something to do with this.

"Okay, how recently have they been arriving?" I ask, not sure how I feel about this situation.

"Um... since three days ago..?" She meekly says, but a sharp glare from me quickly convinces her to tell the truth.

"Kherrie..." I growl, and Kherrie begins to break out in a sweat. Then, finally, she cracks.

"Okay, okay, they started arriving three months ago!" Kherrie cries, and I feel my heart drop like an atom bomb at the thought of all those very real death threats, from none other than Khorne himself, that I've 'ignored' for three months. In a word:

"Fuck me..." I mutter, and Kherrie perks up, her sadness seemingly vanished into thin air.

"Really!?" Kherrie asks, earning her a pop on the head from me for being an idiot.

"No!" I shout, and I look toward the magma chamber with a renewed sense of dread.

"Ow... I was only kidding..." Kherrie whines, holding her injured cranium. But I continue to ignore the blubbering Old god, and I turn my attention to the magma chamber, and I begin to start sweating again. Well, I might as well see how bad it is, right? Well, let's just say, that as I walk in there... the pile, or MOUNTAIN, I should say, towered over me like death itself. Shaking, I pick up one of the bone-dry skin-letters, and read it in my head, the whole time hearing Khorne's growling, booming voice speak the words in my head as I read them:

"Dear Malideus,

I can imagine your horror at the number of letters, surely numbering in the hundreds, you have received over the course of the last two weeks, and I am dreadfully sorry: The other fifteen thousand got lost in the mail due to a faulty send address. A pity, considering all that anthrax will be going to waste on some lousy earth politicians. But fear not, you back-stabbing, letter avoiding nutsack, I assure that there are plenty more on the way, all laced with some other horrible, debilitating disease, and maybe pictures of me doing your mom to boot. As stated in my previous letters, do try and write back, as I would love to read your pleas and cries of horror and sorrow in the near future.

Yours truly, Khorne.

P.S: I really am fucking your mom."

I tremble as I put the letter made of human flesh down, and I manage to stumble outside of the chamber before I nearly collapse, saved only by Kherrie. Oh, Bolas... what have I done to deserve this... And now I need to wash my hands...

"Kherrie... I can't see straight from all the blood leaving my face and brain. Can you read me the letter from Nicol Bolas?" I manage to sputter out, and Kherrie nods, opening the letter I left on the chair. With any luck, it's a promise that I won't be receiving any more skin letters...

"... Um... it says... Ah! It says that Nicol Bolas wants you to attend a rematch so Khorne can stop complaining about the loss of his beloved cereal brand!" Kherrie says, and I come Thiiiiiis close to passing out right there. A... a rematch... of poker... versus KHORNE!?

"K-Kherrie... I don't feel good..." I sputter, and Kherrie catches me and sets me on the chair.

"Oh, don't worry, boss; we already checked the letters for those diseases he promised! They're all clean!" Kherrie assures me, but that's not what I'm worried about. If anything, slow horrible death would be a far better alternative; at least the death part is guaranteed.

"I-it's not the threats, Kherrie... W-when did Bolas say Khorne wants the rematch..?" I shakily ask, and Kherrie looks at the letter again, and reports back soon after looking the parchment over once again:

"He says he expects you to show up within four of this planet's days, or he's coming over here to drag you to the match." Kherrie repeats, and I try to pass out, but the surge of fear-induced adrenaline has cursed me to a horrible state of a seemingly eternal type of half-life: I can't fall sleep, I can't stay awake, and I'm too tired to kill myself before Khorne gets the honors.

"Um... D-don't fret, Mal! I'm sure all the scary blood god wants is a nice, friendly competition between you and him, maybe some other friends! Come on, it'll be fun!" Kherrie assures me, and I can't find the strength to argue with her. Then, in a miraculous break from the monotony of my deathbed revelation, I hear someone come up the cave ramp, but Kherrie gets up to answer it first, leaving me to stew in this horrible half-life between tired, awake, and want to die. Suddenly, to my joy, two familiar devils come into the cave, both with sheets of paper in their possession.

"Ah, thank god you two are here. What news do you two have?" I ask, and Slizt and Illkurok look at eachother nervously, and at last, reply.

"Uh... yeah... Well, the robot you wanted is nearly finished, but... it's... uh..." Illkurok stammers, and as if tired of his partner's incompetence, Slizt steps up, and finishes for him.

"The mech you wanted isn't going to be as... giant, per say, as you ordered. We simply didn't have the parts or the time to make it like you wanted." Slizt says, and I quietly groan in annoyance. Of course, more bad news.

"Ugh... well, is it at least going to get me past the walls and all the guards?" I ask, not really caring how big the thing was anymore.

"Oh, without a doubt, sir!" Illkurok replies, and Slizt nods in response, and begins speaking.

"Indeed. In fact, Kelias has personally told us to ask you to oversee the final developments of the armor, hence why we are here." Slizt says, and though confused at his choice of the word 'armor', I still get up with a spring in my step, eager to see the new machine of death Kelias has made for me.

"Kherrie, stay here and burn those death threats. I'll be back soon." I say, and Kherrie snaps a quick salute, and walks off to do her job. Then I, myself, walk toward Malideopolis with Slizt and Illkurok to see just what Kelias has made for me.

Meanwhile, from our friend Kanden's point of veiw...

It had been only a few hours since I walked out of that castle and found that wanted poster of Malideus. Now, I was still in the city, but hopefully close to a gate or something, any way to get out of this place was enough for me. But as luck would have it, I was lost in this horrible, pristine city. On top of that, the local law enforcement was likely after me on account that I made of with one of their secret weapons. So, even though nothing was happening right now, I could only assume that some action would come soon. So, with my awareness on overdrive, I continued walking through the empty city, with doors locking and window shades closing everywhere I turned. Clearly, these people were afraid of me, and honestly, why shouldn't they be? I'm pretty much a monster. Anyway, my search for the exit went unhindered for a good, long hour, and after passing by a closed-up cafe by an intersection I couldn't read from where I was, I began to ponder something I never thought I'd ask myself in my life, seeing as there were no cops, no people, and no resistance in general; Where the hell was everybody?

"Two hours, and not a single guard, soldier, or knight... Where the heck is the security in this place? Did Malideus kill them all, or something? I ask myself, and I turn to see if anyone was outside at this time. But sure enough, I could see no one as I stood and looked... that is, until I heard a voice behind me, yelling out to get my attention.

"Hey, you! Stop right there!" I heard the voice cry, and with great surprise, I turned around as quickly as I could, my weapons ready, and I finally faced my opponent. And as I turned, I saw that this one was going to be one hell of a fight, from what I could gather: There, standing right behind me, was a giant, golden suit of armor, with pauldrons bigger than my whole torso, and spikes all in rows along the shoulders, chest, and legs, giving him the appearance of a big, absolutely OP knight. Then, as I finished sizing the behemoth up, it spoke again, finally having my attention.

"What are you? Explain yourself, now! Or I will use force, if need be!" The colossal pile of armor thundered, and I couldn't find it in myself to respond, as I had nothing to really say... Well, except for one thing, actually:

"Well, it's about time they sent someone after me." I reply, seeming to confuse the massive, golden knight, and as he ponders my reaction, I continue to speak, hoping to glean some answers from this walking scrap heap.
"So, let me guess, you're here to bring me back to that lab, aren't you? Well, I hope you're ready to get hurt first, because whatever is going on in there, I'm not having any more of it." I say, aiming my gauntlet at the knight, who only looks confusedly at me for a second, and finally replies, his tone indicating that he had no idea of what I was talking about.

"What? Lab? What are you... wait..." The knight trailed off, realization finally dawning on him and hitting him like a punch to the gut, as I could tell from his reactions, and after a single moment of eerie silence, the knight spoke again, pointing his axe at me threateningly.
"Wait, You're that suit, aren't you? The one Dr. Sano made! You broke out of the castle, and knocked out Twilight, didn't you?" The knight asked me, and finally, a dawning hit me as well, as I suddenly realized that they all knew I was out, and this big shiny mofo was what they sent to bring me back. And another thing, this 'Dr. Sano'... he said that he made the suit that I'm in... in the same lab I woke up in... alright, that's it. Time for some answers. So glaring at the massive hunk of armor before me, I raise my gauntlet again, and ask some questions of my own.

"I assure you, I didn't knock out anybody... but while we're on this topic, I think you might know some things I want. Question is, you gonna tell me the easy way, or do I have to beat the info out of you like a piñata?" I ask, readying my awesome laser fist for battle, as the golden warrior readies his own weapon likewise, and replies with an answer that I definately had mixed feelings about.

"You think I'm going to tell you anything, you dumb robot? You may have the powers of a dark god, but you can't beat the power of light! You guys never have, and you never will, not even you!" The hero monologues, and I quickly get bored of this one with relative ease. God, this guy just loves to hear his own voice, doesn't he? How old IS he, twelve? Despite this, I feel accomplished over at least one thing he said; Apparently, I have the powers of a dark god. That's a really, really amusing and helpful start, but it still leaves a lot of questions left unanswered, none of which he looks like he'll give up as easily as that. Well, I guess that there's only one way to make him say what I want to hear, at this point.

"Hmph, you sure like hearing your own skull rattle, don't you? Well, I tried being nice. Now, it looks like I just have to kick you until you spill your guts." I say, readying my stance, and the hero readies his own, assaulting my hearing once more with his annoying, overly-optimistic dialogue.

"That's not happening, robot. Get ready to lose an arm, you hunk o' junk, 'cause I'm not going easy on you!" The annoying hero says, and without another word, I lunge at the babbling knight, who then lunges at me, beginning the fight.

As I reach the climax of my leap, the warrior brings his axe down on me, trying to smash me into the ground. However, I quickly see this attack, and turn my body to avoid the swing (albeit barely), and I land on my feet, pointing my gun at the suit of armor. Finally, as the knight gets up, I let loose a charged blast from my weapon, which impacts the golden warrior, and sends him spiraling away from me, and into the street with a loud 'boom'. Then, continuing my aggression, I run at the knight again, and put my arms out to grab his breastplate, only to get punched in the suit's gut by both of the knight's fists, effectively sending me flying into the air, and landing next to the café I passed earlier. I get up easily enough, groaning as I dust off the debris from my surprising unscratched armor, but I soon find myself looking up as a loud battle-cry sounds off, and I see the massive knight charging me, head up and arms out, as if hoping to trample me. But I'm not stupid, and I clearly wasn't born yesterday, so without another word, I leap into the air, going up a little higher than I thought I would, and sail over the charging behemoth, landing right behind him. Then, while he tries to stop, I take the opportunity to grab the guy's armor by the spikes, effectively halting him, and I use my full strength to spin him around me, going faster and faster as I did, and after a few seconds of spinning, I finally let go, and throw the metal goof into another building, whereupon he flies through the wall, and lands in a pile of bricks, almost comically.

However, it doesn't take long be fore he tries to get back up, and before I could run at him again, I hear the clopping of hooves on the street, and realize all-too-late that the fuzz has finally caught up with me, likely on account of this big, destructive fight. But I ignore it for now, only to see that the golden giant is right on top of me, towering over me with his axe raised and ready to swing. Luckily, I manage to avoid the first chop, but he seems to have found out my pattern, and he yanks the axe from the street, using the backwards momentum to swing the other side of his double-headed axe at me, catching me in the chest once more, and sending me flying a few feet away. Thankfully, nothing on the suit is broken, but I don't know how long it will be until I bust a tube here, and it won't be long until the guards show up to arrest me, so I have to think, and come up with a plan, fast.

Dodging another axe swing, I begin to think of how to end this fight quickly, no longer concerned about what this guy could tell me about the suit, the city, or this 'Dr. Sano' character. Unfortunately, the only option I have is to run away, seeing as this guy was too sturdy for me, and I didn't know how to fully utilize the suit's abilities. However, there's seemingly nowhere to run, as guards block both ends of the street, and are closing in fast, and this guy just won't give me any space to jump or roll, or even charge up a shot. So, all I can do is dodge, until, at last, the knight gets his arms around me, and he throws me into the ground, pinning me on my belly as he suppresses my movement with his weight. I try to struggle, but I can't get my arms free, and the guards are now too close for me to really escape anyway. So, with little in the way of options, I focus my willpower, and do the one last this I feel has a chance of working: I start praying. As the guards all start marching forward, now in my view, I begin to focus my thoughts to the suit, willing it to obey, and do something to get me out of here.

"Come on, come on... blow up, lift him up, transform, anything! Please!? DO SOMETHING TO GET ME OUT OF THIS, DAMN YOU!!!" I mentally rant, and before long, the effect is almost immediate: The suit begins to shake, and in no time, begins to fold in on itself, the legs folding and shifting into new body plates, the arms then turn and rearrange, putting the blaster gauntlet in front of my face, and my back-plates then enlarge and slide over my head, and soon, my transformation is complete, and without thinking, the suit slides out from under the massive knight, throwing him off as he cries out in surprise, and finally the suit stops, giving me control once more. Now, I feel like some kind of snake in this thing, kind of like how I felt before I got in this suit. But, despite the reversion to my more original state, I still felt invincible in this suit, and my surprise was quickly replaced with glee and curiosity as I looked to the now-stopped guards on either side of me, and began to barrel towards the alley ways as fast as I could, using my thoughts alone to guide the suit to it's destination as the mass of guards cried out, demanding my capture.

"Stop him! Don't let him get away!" one guard shouted, and they all began to rush at me, but I simply was too fast and too far away, and before they even came close, I slid right into the dark alleyway, evading capture once again. And so, as the mass of guards all stopped around the alley I escaped through, I began to laugh quietly to myself as I escaped, and soon enough, I found a nice, large clearing in the buildings, and quickly used my thoughts to change myself back to my more humanoid form, and then climbed up one building, and as soon as I was on top of it, I quickly leaped to another building, and another, until I was soon on my way, and making a proper escape from this city, the right way. And before long, without any further hindrance, I was over the walls of the town, and finally, at long last, free.

"Now...." I began, chuckling evilly to myself as I spoke, "...Let's go find Malideus." I finished, and I began my trek down the mountain, my quest for answers of my past, the suit, and the enigmatic Dr. Sano, officially begun...

Although, I had a feeling I'd need more than Malideus to answer all the questions I now had.

To be continued...

Author's Note

Sorry that this took as long as it did, I'm out of steam for now.

I think I need a vacation...

Ch.32: The Wizardslayer, Part 3: Nearing the end of our roads...

Malideus...

I'm... I'm not sure what I should be looking at, when I reach the foundry at the heart of my city. Kelias said he had my ride waiting for me when I got there, but after the hellos and handshakes, all that was presented to me was a large, metal box, with several spray-painted 'caution!' signs on it. Needless to say, if this is what I'm paying that devil for, he's so unbelievably fired. But, I guess I can't fire the bastard yet until I've seen what's inside first, so with a moment's pause to gather myself, I pry my eyes away from the unassuming metal box to turn my gaze to my devil friend, who, despite my disappointment, seems pretty proud of himself right about now.

"So... this it?" I ask calmly, to which Kelias replies, not taking his eyes off the box.

"If yer talking about the box, then no. However, I do think that once you actually open it, you'll be pleasantly surprised with what I managed, sir." Kelias replied, and my gaze then turned back to the box, my curiosity there, but my disappointment still remaining, for obvious reasons. I looked at it a while, my disappointment at an uncomfortable high, but still, I learned to trust Kelias over the time I'd known him; if he said this suit was good, then I would bet my whole career as a villain that it probably was. Even so, I turned back to Kelias, and with a nod, I give my affirmation that this would do, as long as I could see the product first.

"Alright, Kelias. Open it up." I said, and Kelias, in turn, nodded his head at a couple of devils beside the giant crate, and they pulled two chains on either side of the cubical chunk of metal, resulting in a loud, echoing 'clank', and with only a moment's pause, the sides of the box fell over, and I was then greeted by a gargantuan, metal suit that put Hezafen to shame... almost, anyway. Anyway, the suit itself was an impressive display of painted metal plates and bright lights on various places in the armor, which all glowed a bright, highly active red, except for the head, on which there was only one light, and it was green. The armor itself was quite impressive, being at least nine feet tall, painted black with yellow stripes in certain areas like the feet, jets, and arm cannon. The shape of the suit was humanoid, but extremely bulky and hunched, with two massive shoulder plates, each of which bore a red insignia on it; a devil's head, surrounded by flames with two hammers in the background. The arms were both thick and trunk-like, with one ending in a massive, destructive-looking claw with three pointed fingers, clearly to be used for gripping, piercing and crushing, and the other, as previously mentioned, ended in a equally-massive, barrel-shaped cannon of some kind, with hollow glass tubes protruding from its 'body', all filled with spastic streams of electricity, for unknown reasons. The body itself was basically a plated, barreled chest, armored pelvis, an angled, v-shaped head, like a, uh... what were those things, again..? Uh... Hunters! yeah, like a hunter's head, from Halo. I don't know how I remember those things anymore, but whatever, it just means I haven't gone insane yet... I think. Anywho, the legs were next, and they were GIANT, like with massive plates, lots of hydraulic pumps and pistons, and several small jet-like openings near the feet proper, like they were made for jumping and landing more than walking, and they looked perfect for curb-stomping. Actually, now that I think about it... it kind of reminded me of my old friend, Terridax. I wonder how he and his rakshi doing in this day and age... not that it's important, I mean.

In conclusion, I daresay, Kelias, thanks to this wonderful miracle of machinery and artful destructive firepower, was, in fact, NOT fired. In fact, it was all I could do not to kiss him, because I don't swing that way. However, it certainly was not the giant, fire-breathing mech that I'd been hoping for all this time, and definitely seemed a tad underpowered. So, without further ado, I turned to my red-skinned friend, and promptly voiced my concerns.

"Well, Kelias, It's certainly nice... but I can't help but feel that it might not be enough. What exactly does it DO?" I ask, and Kelias turns toward me, and explains.

"Well, boss, this here machine of war is all I have left after you went and blew up five million dollars worth of blood, sweat, and tears in your last fight, the one in Las Pegasus. So, I could've built jack squat and let you run around Canterlot helpless, slapping your ass the whole way like a retard. But, being the generous soul I am, I pulled together a tedious mining operation, dug deep enough, and managed to whip up some darksteel for your own, personal battle armor, if only for the assurance that you didn't wreck this one this time." Kelias replied, and I sighed as I remembered that farce back in Las Pegasus, where I piloted a giant, several-story-tall H.O.U.N.D into the city, only to have it blown up by Celestia.

"Oh... So, what is this one capable of, then?" I ask distantly, and Kelias smiled at last, before turning back to his wonderful creation, and replying.

"Well, there are many lovely features to the armor, so let's go over them a bit..." Kelias went on, pointing out the various features in the claws, gun, and jump jets situated in the feet and on its back. Meanwhile, though, as I listened, I found my mind drifting every so often, to other things I deigned unimportant; the city was one, as in what my plan was to infiltrate it, and that was simple: I had none. But, that's never stopped me before, has it? Another thing that came up was Ragnek, and the other old gods, then came Khorne and his imminent rematch, and something about pie for some reason, and then, weirdly enough, I found my mind drifting towards the last thing I thought it would: Terridax. My memory of our last encounter drifted through my idle brain a bit, but as Kelias finished going on about the aether cannon and how deadly it was against magically-attuned enemies, I pondered about just why such a thing would ever cross my mind. Yeah, he was one of my first allies, and honestly, I respect him more than I do any other dark, brooding god-like figure, even if he does come off as a manipulating jerk. But still, I had almost forgotten about him, ever since Jarvis' untimely demise at the hands of Twilight Sparkle. I began to wonder again why the thought of him was coming up now of all times, when Kelias snapped his fingers in my face, breaking me free of my stupor.

"Hey, Mal, ya listenin'? Did'ja hear ANYTHING I said about the suit's features?" Kelias asked, and I quickly shook the last of the unwanted thoughts out of my head, deciding to go back to them at a later date, and I hastily replied.

"Um... Oh, yeah, somethin' about jump jets and lasers, I got it all." I answered quickly, but apparently unconvincingly, earning a skeptical raised eyebrow from Kelias.

"Oh really? How much force does the claw grip with?" He asked, throwing me through a loop, and when I didn't give an immediate answer, the devil sighed, and repeated his little factoid. "It grips with over 400,000 psi. That means it can crush anything you grab, and it also means to be CAREFUL with it, do you hear me? I mean it, if this suit ends up in the scrap heap because of you, I'm going to make you regret it! You hear me?" Kelias demanded, and I nodded quickly, not wanting to invoke the devil's ire toward myself.

"Yeah, I got it. Now how do I get into it?" I ask, inspecting the armor all over, until Kelias presses a button on a small metal remote control, and the chest on the metal behemoth folds and opens up, revealing a small cavity inside, just big enough for me, with various harnesses and grips and footpads within. So, as soon as I crawl inside, Kelias calls out to me, getting my attention with one last piece of information before the suit closes in on me.

"Last thing, boss, this piece is just to get you through the wards and over the wall. I don't have to remind you how badly it will end for you if I see a single scratch on this suit, do I?" Kelias asks, earning a quick and vengeful retort from me.

"No, 'mom'! just tell me how to pilot this thing!" I cry, followed by a reply from Kelias, his tone bored and tired, but relieved.

"Just move the footpads to walk, and pull the handles to move the arms. the triggers activate the claw or the cannon, respectively, and holding both buttons activates the jump jets. Can you remember all that? Or do you need a manual?" Kelias taunts, but I ignore him with an indignant grunt, and I close the chest-hole up, and put one massive, earth-shaking leg in front of the other, my way revealed by a screen that dropped from above me to settle in front of my face. So, with the ability to see and a clear direction to go, I continue to move my legs until the suit has broken out into a full run, going a bit faster than I thought it would, and without a look back, I focus my charge toward Canterlot, ready to end this sorry story once and for all.

Meanwhile, in the ruined city of Cloudsdale, over Malideopolis, from an unknown devil's point of veiw...

I sat, staring, as the city over Malideopolis, which had not long ago been destroyed by Malideus himself, was undergoing a devilish reconstruction, into what could only be the most diabolical war machine in the known multiverse, with me as the cannon!... Oh, apologies, I should most likely introduce myself to, well, you viewers, I suppose. My name is Schlosh, and the only reason I know that you are there, reading these thoughts, is because I've likely crossed your path once or twice. Yes, I have seen you before, in one of my many lifetimes, and you have definitely seen me, in every emotional breakdown with inexplicable circumstances, to every time your girlfriend (assuming you have one) bit your head off during her 'time of the month'. Yes, I am a devil of emotion, and I used to be very busy... actually, I'm STILL very busy. Right now, as of this moment, the armies of Malideus are about to enact one of the greatest plans ever conceived by devilkind; we're going to plunge the whole world into total, irreversible war, a feat we've only ever done two or three times, all of them on earth. Yeah, we were behind Hitler, what did you expect? Anyway, the reason behind this stunt mostly secret... That, and I really don't care about the 'why', only about how fun it will be to watch. What matters now, is that we complete rebuilding of the weather factory as soon as possible, so that the ponies don't interrupt us. We normally don't have to worry about that, but Malideus has just been unleashed onto Canterlot, and we need to act fast in order to be prepared for an inevitable counter-assault. But seeing how quickly we've just rebuilt the city proper, I have no fears about the factory being completed on time.

"Hey, Schlosh, get yer tailless bum o'er here, ya hobknocker!" I hear a high-ranking devil by the name of Skorn call out to me as I think of these things, and I groan as I get off my seat of a fallen pillar, and I quickly make my way over to him as he waves his long, fiery tail back and forth impatiently. I feel kind of miffed at him calling me 'tailless', as having a tail is a very prominent status symbol in the general clusterfuck that is our paltry and malnourished semblance of 'society'. See, most devils are divided into three types, much like the ponies of this odd world; those without tails, like me, are the lowest class, even though we tend to be the smartest, or at least the most likely to survive past the first four years of our birth. Then, over us, are the devils with unlit tails. They're pretty much in the middle, and are fairly un-noteworthy. And above them are the devils with lit tails, or 'fire-tips', as they are called by everyone else. But every so often, like the alicorns of this world, we get a MANED devil, and they're pretty much the epitome of devil society: Long, flowing manes, fiery-tipped tails, and tend to be as angry as a neo-Nazi at a black Jew convention. Anyway, back on topic: Skorn and his pretentious, fiery-tailed ass.

"Yes, Skorn?" I reply to the upright, lizard-headed devil as I walk up to him, not even pretending to look interested in anything he had to say.

"Hey, we gotta get you into th' fact'ry antechamber ASAP, we're on a tight schedule here! Get into th' fact'ry, now! Move it, devil, move it!" Skorn ordered, and with a compliant groan, I turn back toward the factory, and begin my walk into the main antechamber at the center, where I was going to fuel the colossal machine of hate and spread the seeds of war...

You know, assuming nothing goes wrong in the next five hours, that is...

Meanwhile, with Jarvis, er, Kanden.

I can't help but feel watched ever since I escaped that wretched city back there. Not just by them, I mean, but by... well, I don't know, but it feels familiar, like I've seen whoever's been tracking me, but I can't remember. Ah, just as well. I should have expected as much from my escapades; I did just break out of a city. Even so, I still feel curious about my new pursuer: The feel so familiar, maybe they know about my past... not that it matters to me that much anymore. Still, it's better than stumbling around in the dark like this... Nonetheless, I ignore it in favor of my current goal: Malideus. So, walking on, I try my hardest to ignore that dark, familiar presence in the back of my mind, and I trudge onward through the quaint, rolling grasslands I have been walking through for hours, hoping to see at least SOME form of civilization in the distance as I follow the long-abandoned train tracks that rolled on along with the lush, verdant hills that plagued my vision with filters of green and blue. But lo, even through hours of movement, my patience is wearing thin as I see nothing but grass, grass, and more grass. Oh, and that same clear sky, just like always. Damn it all, who could ever make such a sickly sweet world like this!? It's disgusting and BORING! But, I steel myself regardless, and try to trudge onward. Ugh, between me and the sky, this is the worst thing I've likely ever experienced. This grass, these tracks, that sky, and that inconspicuous shadow moving from tree to tr... wait what? What was that just now!?

"Huh..? What was that...?" I accidentally ask aloud, my speakers conveying my confusion almost perfectly. But as soon as I saw the shadow move, it simply vanished, leaving no trace that it was ever there. And as I blinked and looked again at where I saw the phantom, I stared in silence a moment, and then, at last, laughed. I should have figured, but it seems that all this walking in these god-forsaken grassy hills have finally driven me bananas. I laugh a bit at my situation, seeing as there likely WAS no phantom shadow to begin with, and all this wandering has finally snapped my brain like a dry twig.

"Heh... Heh ha ha ha ha ha ha! Agh, this stupid landscape has finally gotten to me! Well, I'm not going insane without a fight! Fuck you, gently rolling verdant hill landscape! GRAAAAGH!!!!!" I shout, stomping at the ground, and tearing up entire chunks of earth and throwing them as far as I can, my cacophonous rampage echoing throughout the hills and sparse trees, but despite my spectacle, nothing moves, and once I've gotten my rage out of my system, I look around, sigh, and focus on going forward, still ignoring that familiar darkness in the back of my mind. Whatever it was, I wanted nothing to do with it... though I felt that it really wanted a piece of me. So, I trudged onward, and onward, and onward, until I felt that I was stuck in some kind of hellish time-loop. But as soon as I looked up, what I saw made me feel like breaking into the most frivolous song and dance I could muster from within me; Towers, like those in a city, rose above the lumpy, uneven horizon like beacons of sanity graced unto me by some kind of wonderful god. So, some semblance of sanity reinstated into my head, I begin to walk, well, more like run, toward the column-like towers in the distance, my every thought now replaced with the solitary goal of reaching that city, at any cost, and no matter who stood in my way, or who followed me. Unfortunately, though, that thought would be the one that ultimately BIT ME IN THE ASS. Because, no sooner did I start breaking toward the city, than I was stopped by a figure jumping in front of me, forcing me to stop hastily to keep from goring them... whatever they were. Seriously, the thing looked like a bipedal bug of some sort, but with a staff, no antennae, and a hunched, tubular back. God damn, I just can't seem to catch a break, can I? When I finally catch Malideus, he has some serious explaining to do.

"Ayayayayay!!!! What the hell, man!?" I shout through my speakers as I skid to a stop in front of the massive bug-thing, which gave off almost oppressive vibes of familiarity. And as soon as I stop, the creature glances me over, and upon spotting my head, he sighs a breath of relief, and replies to my previous query.

"Oh, good, I figured that it was you, but couldn't tell from your suit... Man, what did that stupid wizard DO to you? You feel like a whole different Kratta..." the strange creature blurted at me, and I stepped back in mild shock at his familiarity with me, despite ME having no memory of HIM... whoever he was.

"Uhhh... I'm sorry, but who the Hell are you? And what wizard are you talking about? Do you mean Malideus?" I bluntly reply, and the giant bug seems taken aback, almost heartbroken, to an extent at my rejection of him.

"You... you don't..? Don't you remember me, Jarvis? I know I look a bit different, but still..." The creature says, but I interrupt him right there, hearing the odd name from his 'mouth', and I quickly express my confusion.

"Woah, woah, woah, easy there, cowboy. See, I think you've got me confused with someone else there, man. My name's Kanden, not 'Jarvis'." I explain, and the big, humanoid bug suddenly goes limp in his arms and jaws, dropping his spear and staring with almost terrifying intensity at me, a look of utmost shock evident on his face. I guess he must really miss this 'Jarvis' character, huh?

"... I... I think you need to go back to Terridax, he can fix your memory up..." The bug finally said, grabbing at my arm, but I quickly pull the extremity away from the obviously confused robot thing, and back away from him with a bit more haste than I intended.

Hey hey hey, No touchie, no touch! I already told you, I'm NOT 'Jarvis', I'm Kanden! KANDEN! Now I don't know who this Terry-Dax guy is, but I'm afraid he's made a mistake, and I'm not going anywhere until I find Malideus." I sternly explain to the giga-bug mutant, but he seems only furthered in his resolve to drag me off to god-knows-where, and he makes it startlingly evident in the next thing he says.

"What?! You don't even remember your own name, and you want to go back to that moron of a wizard!? Come on, man, we've got to get you..."

"Dammit, I said no! Look, I don't know who you are, but you have twelve seconds to back off before I mess you up even more than you are right now!" I retort with utmost seriousness, wrenching myself away from the clearly-crazy bug-person, and making my way to go around him as fast as I can. But even so, he seems hell-bent on blocking me off, like I'm a confused old man with Alzheimer's and a chainsaw.

"Look, Jarvis, I don't want to hurt you. But if you keep this up, I'll be forced to drag you ba-WAAAAAAAUGH!!!" The big bugman tries to convince me to go with him to Candyland, or wherever, but before he can finish, I charge the mantis-like butthead at full speed, and grab him, throwing him over my shoulder with a flick of my wrists. Then, as he crashes into the ground behind me, I make a full sprint toward the city, only to have my feet tripped by a sudden pothole that wasn't there a moment ago, and the pursuing bug-man finally gets up, and breaks after me, only for me to turn onto my back, and introduce his charging gut to my foot in one colossal kick, which then quickly leads to him going ten feet into the air, and resulting quickly in another hilarious union involving the bug's head with the side of a hill, whereupon he gets stuck up to his shoulders in dirt, and is without his staff, which I now have.

"I told you to bugger off, dude. But you just wouldn't listen. Now, you gonna git, or am I going to have to send you back to your boss in pieces?" I ask, snapping the staff in half in my hands, which seems to faze the bug person with it's noise alone.

"Was that... My staff!?" The big grasshopper asks, finally prying his head out of the dirt, mixed expressions of shock, hurt, and horror in his eyes, and I slowly crack my knuckles, growling my reply.

"Yeah, it was. And if you're not out of my sight in ten seconds, your neck is next." I threaten, and the creature's aura quickly turns from sad to pissed, and he gets up, picking up the remains of his staff in his hands.

"That arseheaded wizard... He's going to pay for this, and you, Jarvis, are going with him!" The angry robo-bug-person hisses, but I just roll my eyes in a severe lack of interest, and make my own retort.

"Yeah, yeah, get in a fuckin' line, you twat, 'cuz you're not the only one who wants him dead, it seems. Now, I believe I told you to vamoose, bug." I say, waving the flustered robot away, and with a growl, the robot gets up, and makes to run away like the baby he is, saving time for one last quip before he goes.

"Malideus won't get away with this... When father hears about this, you and him are dead! DEAD!" The outraged creature yells back at me, but I just shoo him off with a bored wave of my wrist.

"I look forward to the union, jackass!" I yell back, flipping him my middle finger as a clever retort to his previous statement, and the bug finally runs off like the baby he is... but, despite the hilarity of the situation played out before me, I suddenly have to ask myself... Why do I feel like I just royally fucked up?

... Well, I shouldn't think on the irrelevant now. I have a goal to pursue, and It's Malideus. I need to know what the fuck is going on, and he's the only one who can tell me, since the princess that put that bounty on his head probably has a nice little poster for me, too. So, with that thought out of the way, I rush toward the sprawling, evil-looking city with much gusto, eager to, at long last, put this whole quest behind me once and for all... hopefully.

Meanwhile, from the devil's point of view...

As I make my way to the antechamber in the center of the formerly pony-controlled Weather Factory, I slow my pace a bit inside the factory proper, and begin to think, if only a little bit. Well, not think, so much, more like ponder. I think that, at first, it's just me having last-minute doubts about the whole operation, but that's not it. I never have doubts, ever. But still, something is nagging away at me horribly... but what? What the Hell could it be? I shake my head after a while of trying to figure the feeling out, and ultimately ignore it altogether, feeling that if I can't figure out what's wrong, then it isn't really important. So, at last, I continue on my way to the antechamber, passing through my last door on the way there, and gazing at the machine built into the center of the whole factory; a giant, glass sphere upon an even bigger, metal box of sorts, with lots of flashing lights and buttons that would've given a lesser devil, or a goblin, a fucking heart attack.

"So... I'm going inside that?" I ask aloud, though to no one in particular. But despite the question being directed at no one, a high-ranking flame-tailed devil answers me regardless, a look of disinterest on her face as she stares at a clipboard full of papers.

"Yeah, right in that sphere. Now come on, we don't have all day." The devil says, and I make my way to the gargantuan machine in question, entering it, and climbing up into the glass sphere,which felt a bit snug, but I fit pretty well. Now, I guess I just had to do what I do best: Blow it out my nose. So, while the machinery whirred to life as another tailless devil pulled a lever on the machine down, I took a great, deep breath, expanding my diaphragm to its limit, and let out a great breath through my nose, causing a pink, sparkling mist to billow out of my nostrils and fill the glass sphere. However, just as soon as the mind-altering fog had filled up the globe I was in, it was just as quickly sucked through a hole in the bottom of the sphere, and I was told by the devil in charge to do it again. So, I did, and I kept blowing, and after a while, I began to see the result: out of the cloud-processing machine next to me emerged several giant, light-pink clouds, all full of my special mind-addling pheromone, ad they were being taken out to the hangar by several enslaved pegasi, who already seemed affected by the clouds by their mere proximity to them. However, I don't really know why they wanted me to do this whole thing; they said it was to make the countries all angry at each other, but my pheromones have completely random effects, depending on my current mood, and who was inhaling them. Ah well, it's not my job to ask.

So, this continues on for a few hours; inhale, exhale, cloud, repeat. Yes, it seemed monotonous, but this job was very important: if Malideus was doing what we thought he was doing, we needed to buy him as much breathing room as possible. Plus, it sort of fills our own agendas, too. I just hope that nothing bad happens... wait, is that the alarm? I stop to listen a bit as the unmistakable blare of the warning sirens goes off, but before I can mentally prepare myself for what the problem might be, the door explodes inward, and devils go flying as tall, bipedal figures enter the room, and once the dust clears away, so too does the color from my face.

"...Oh, hell..." I mutter, as a few pegusi, dressed in golden armor, kick away several devil knights, and I hear them shout as one points to me and my glass orb, and they start moving for me. So, oh crap, they see me, and they know what I'm doing, I guess. So, what am I to do? Well, for starters, I try to get the entry hatch open, but it seems to have been locked, which means I can only wait as the eight or so soldiers coming for me manage to pry me out. However, that in itself breeds a great Idea for my escape. So, with little to do while the ponies rush the machine, I wait, twiddling my thumbs as I watch them climb up, and get ready to shatter the glass. However, I did not have to wait long; the moment I looked away from them, they were already upon me, yelling at each other from beyond the glass, and getting ready to bash it in. Before the incident could take place, though, I was already prepared to enact my escape. Taking a deep breath, a held it in until they started bashing, and once the ponies' hitting caused the first few cracks to appear, I let a massive breath out of my nose, and before the danger could register to the thick-headed oafs, the orb shattered, and pink mist flowed out of the orb, consuming the eight ponies, and causing immediate, and highly amusing, results: One guard began to break into fits of hysteria while two began punching eachother, two others broke down sobbing, two more started making out, and one just fell over, curled into the fetal position and whimpering to himself.

So, with those soldiers distracted, I began to climb down from the destroyed contraption, and tried to make my way out of the factory, hoping that this whole scenario was just a fluke, despite the sirens blaring all around me. Before I could fully escape, though, my way was blocked by two soldiers, both of them facing me with spears bigger than their own bodies, and glares that would've killed lesser men. And, without warning, the two charged me, forcing me to duck to the side. Fortunately, that left them open, so I ran up behind them and, using my knife-like nose, which was in fact hard and sharp enough to pierce flesh and bone, I stabbed one of the guards in the back, but as he fell, his partner grabbed me by my neck, hoisting me up to her face, and readying her knife to finish me off. However, before she could, I took a deep breath, confusing the guard, and let out a big cloud of pheromones right in her face, causing her to drop me in shock. As soon as I hit the floor, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, only managing to look back just in time to see the guard fall over and start spazzing out like a million spiders were crawling all over her. So, that done, I made my way at last into the cloud-laden streets of former Cloudsdale, only to find that, just as my fears predicted, the city was being trashed up and down by pegasus royal soldiers, and the devil knights were too busy figuring out what was happening to defend the city properly. Of course, it had to be today, they must've known somehow... but how? Devils don't betray their own, and last I checked, Malideus flushed out all the traitors. So, unless they've been spying on us, which is very unlikely, seeing as we reverse-engineered the wards they put up, this was most likely just a very well-timed and thought-out fluke.

Suddenly, breaking me from my own thoughts, I hear several wingbeats nearby me, and I look around to see that I am surrounded by soldiers, all of them looking at me with unusual intensity. And at last, after a brief staring match, the leader of the group points at me, and shouts:

"That's the one! Grab it!" The soldier yells, and the group moves toward me, and fast, giving me only a little time to think. Dammit, they knew about this operation! But how? They didn't have any spies or anything, how could they know of what we were doing up here? Suddenly, interrupting my thoughts, I hear an odd sound, like the sound of some kind of energy being charged up, like a shrill 'whirring' noise, and the next thing I see is a flash of green light, and the soldiers all around me are tossed every which way, some dead, some dying, others just unconscious due to the force of being thrown. And before I can react to whatever the hell just happened, I hear a loud, echoing voice call out, and I see a taller figure behind the cloud of mist that it just kicked up. then, several leering eyes peer from behind the settling cloud, and then it appears, a giant, armored humanoid, with the weirdest anatomy I had ever seen, and it speaks again, startling me.

"You! Devil!" the thing exclaimed, pointing to me, and then holding out his hand.
"Come with me if you want to live!"

Hoo, boy...

Previously, from Kanden's point of veiw...

I thought a while as I walked on the encounter that had just taken place. That robot... he claimed to know me, even with this suit... And yet, I did not know him... It's strange. He called me Jarvis... why did that name sound familiar? I thought my name was Kanden. Still, even so, I'm not ready to give up on my quest yet. He said something about a wizard before... maybe he meant Malideus? Did I work for Malideus before? Gah, this isn't helping! Why did I attack him, anyway? He was just trying to help! Urgh, I can't think straight anymore... I just need to figure this out, get all the answers, like 'who was that guy?', or 'who is terridax?', and 'who's Dr. Sano?'. I already know who I am, I just need to find Malideus... he has to know the answers, he just has to. As I come up to the city, I feel my mood brighten as I reach my destination, Malideus's capital. At the same time, though, I feel a sense of dark foreboding, like I shouldn't go there yet. But despite this, I power on, knowing that I'd gone too far to go back now. I needed Answers, and I need them from that wizard, dammit.

"... Alright, no lollygaggin'. Let's do this." I mutter, cracking my (neck? abdomen?) as I gaze at the city, and I march right forward, eager to get this whole quest done and over with. Why I needed to know my past so bad, I had no idea, but I didn't care about that. I wanted to know, and I had the power to find out. So, with a grunt, I trudged onward, watching the city get closer and closer to me as I walked, until I saw something in the distance that, quite frankly, disturbed me: thousands of dots, flying around the buildings, and into a cloud that hovered statically above it.

"What is going on over there..?" I pondered, but only briefly, because as I looked again, the dots were now all over the cloud, and I began to have sinking feelings about what was going on. So, without further ado, I picked up my pace toward the city, breaking into a full-blown run, and I began to understand the scene as I got closer: Buildings were looking trashed, the streets looked empty, and whatever those flying guys were, they rained hell on this place. Taking my first steps into the city, I cursed myself for taking this stupid journey in the first place as I looked around, seeing signs of battle everywhere; scorch marks, broken weapons, and discarded pieces of armor littered the ground, and even worse was that I recognized one of the pieces of armor almost immediately: a golden helmet, with an open face and a red crest along the top, like a roman soldier's. This was a pony helmet, like the ones I just escaped.

"If... they're here, though, that... that means..." I ponder, almost fearfully, looking up at the static cloud over the city, and seeing thousands of vaguely humanoid-like specks flying around it, further confirming my suspicions. However, before I could devise a way to get a closer look at whatever the ponies were attacking, I heard something that made me freeze in place. Hoofsteps... just one, though, thankfully. But still, after hearing them, I turned about, ready to meet whoever was heading my way. Soon enough, just as I thought, a golden-armored figure soon entered my field of vision, and I theirs... and they stopped, giving me a good look at them. However, upon seeing their terrified expression and twitching hands, eager to unsheathe their weapons, I soon realized that the soldier I was facing was not just that, but a female, and only a child in her teen years, no less. Man... did Malideus make these ponies desperate or what? Tangent aside, the two of us stared for a while, unsure of what to do, when the brash child yanked her sword from its sheathe, and charged me, yelling as she ran, forcing me to move a bit to the side, and she and I were both surprised at how fluid and quick the motion was. But, not wanting to give my inexperience away, I kept a cool face and air, and before the young soldier could react, I turned and grabbed her arm, provoking a sharp yelp from my captive. then, in another swift motion, I bent her arm behind her, and threw the child into a wall, pinning her up against it, and I stood a moment, letting the young pony's defeat register in her head. But as soon as it did, I immediately regretted my decision to let her live when she started bawling, crying for help and all that nonsense. So, as not to attract any more soldiers here, I quickly tried to put my hand around her mouth, but ended up underestimating myself, and I snapped her neck instead, and watched in mild horror as her eyes shot straight ahead, glazed over, and she fell over like a sack of potatoes, her face frozen into a look of immeasurable fear. Ok, so, on one hand, she's quiet now. On the other hand, though...

"Ohfuckinghell,whattheshit, I just killed a fucking KID!!!" I yelled, officially panicking right now. I know my morals are slightly skewed, but I'd never hurt a CHILD! that's just wrong! But, despite my panic and moral dilemma, I managed to calm down, and think this through.

"Oh... kay... A kid's dead, I just killed her... I'm going to pay somehow for this, but I need to calm down for now... Now, how am I going to dispose of this body..?" I think, prioritizing my goals. So, with a little thought, I get an idea to vaporize the corpse, seems easy enough, but then I notice something: the soldier's wings. With those, I could probably get up to that cloud to see what's going on. But How to graft them into myself... Wait, I just got an idea. A sick, demented, utterly profane idea, but it's all I got right now. If I inherited a dark god's powers from this suit, then I can basically do whatever I want, within reason. So, by incorporating this poor kid's body into my own, I should get whatever part of her I don't have... let's just pray I only get her wings. So, praying to whatever god that will listen that the only thing I get from this is the wings, I pick up the filly's body, and brace myself for the horrid act I am about to be part of.

"Eurgh... S-sorry, kid... just business..." I say to the corpse, and with a single thought, the armor reacts to my will, the chest cavity opening and swallowing the body whole in a disturbing flurry of metal teeth, claws, and black, slimy tendrils. Then, without a second to spare, an odd feeling washes over me once the body in gone, and suddenly, two black-and-green, shining metal wings, with blades for feathers, erupt from the suit's back, causing me to look back in shock. I look at the wings for a second, before giving them a couple of experimental flaps for confirmation, and I see that they are, in fact, legit; I just grew two real, badass-looking wings, just from eating someone. On one hand, I feel sick. After all, I just ATE a KID. but on the other hand, I have fucking WINGS now! This, I admit, put the whole moral crisis of eating a child off for a while, at least long enough to let me focus on my goal: That cloud up there. So, giving my new wings an experimental flap, I finally move them hard enough to lift me off the ground, albeit VERY uneasily, and begin my shaky, slow, but momentous ascent into the heavens, to put a stop to this pony attack and finally find and speak to Malideus...

At least, I hope that's how this will go.

Meanwhile, from an unknown perspective...

Grrr... I'll not forget this, not ever. I don't care who he was before, that... THING, that isn't Jarvis... not anymore. I do my best keep these angry thoughts in my head while I trudge through the lush, verdant, abominable fields that make up my vision, and if I had my staff, these hills would be a lot less green. But, thanks to Kanden, formerly Jarvis, my weapon is destroyed, and I still haven't found the idiot called Malideus yet. I growl audibly a moment, and unable to restrain my anger, among my other raging emotions, at Jarvis's betrayal, I finally let out a yell to the sky above me, hoping no one would hear my words:

"GRAAAGH!!! Damned Jarvis, damned wizard, damn everything in this world! When I find that pathetic, scrawny, underweight fake wizard, I'm going to rip his limbs off, and feed them to that fat demon of his! I swear it!" I cry to the heavens, hoping I was unheard, until I picked up an odd sensation, as if I was... being watched. Rather uncomfortable with the situation presented, I looked over my shoulders, but was left with no sight of anything but grass and the occasional tree. However, just as I was about to get frustrated again, all my anger quickly and inexplicably became replaced by a, oppressive sense of despair and horrible emptiness, and the world's colors seemed to dim and wash out, before a loud and booming, metallic voice rung out seemingly from all directions at once, causing me to involuntarily cringe at the sound, not so much out of fear;

"Well Well, what have we here? A new toy, sent to us by an aspiring 'god'? How sweet. Mayhap this one will last longer than the other... Or, on the other hand, maybe not. Only time will tell..." The omnipresent voice growled, drumming my head like so many sonic waves at once, threatening to crush it if I didn't shield myself. However, as soon as the voice finished its oh-so-dramatic entry speech, I was quick to straighten my pose, and talk back to whatever low-life scum that would call my father an 'aspiring god'.

"Who's out there? How dare you speak of Makuta Terridax, Lord of dark and nothingness, in such a tone? Do you know who you're dealing with?" I ask, pondering, just for a moment, if angering the disembodied, dreadful-sounding voice was a good idea. But, in only a moment, I cast the thought aside, albeit brashly. I was far too angry with far too many things to be concerned with this one voice, but as if sensing my short-lived doubt, the voice laughed at me, hubris and oppression, much like Terridax, but... skewed, indirect, as there was no direction in his mockery. Before I could ponder this, though, it at last spoke, taunting me.

"Keh heh heh... Oh, unfortunate little puppet of fate, I know exactly what and whom I am dealing with; perhaps you should have asked yourself the same before challenging me so... brazenly." The voice taunted, the color further draining from the world around me until pure monotone remained, and then, it spoke again.

"Yessss... it seems that this 'Terridax' character was not satisfied with sending me one toy to break. perhaps it was his arrogance that sent me another... or maybe his fear? Either way, it is all the same to me... just another doll, to dance to my song until its legs break off... again, in this case." The arrogant, snide voice finished, laughing as his taunt echoed in my head, angering me far beyond anything the fake wizard has ever done to me in the few moments I've been forced to listen to it. Gathering my brewing anger, I quickly lashed back at the voice, frantically searching for where it might be coming from, to understandably little avail.

"And yet you hide from me, demon! If you truly are so powerful, then why are you not before me, giving me any insight into what exactly I should be fearing?" I ask, and as soon as I finish, the world seems to vibrate softly, but palpably, as if trying to shake itself apart. Then, to my surprise and horror, the voice roars its reply, inside my head, as opposed to all around it, causing me to grasp my false head instinctively, praying that the pain this voice brought would just end.

"I DO NOT HIDE, INSECT, MUCH LESS FROM ONE AS PATHETIC AND SMALL AS YOU!!! MY PHYSICAL BODY WAS CAST BENEATH THE GROUND, INTO THE DEPTHS OF TARTARUS! WERE IT MY WILL, I WOULD SIMPLY DESTROY YOU, AND CAST YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE BACK TO YOUR FATHER AS A WARNING! TO ME, HE IS LITTLE MORE THAN AN ANNOYANCE, AND LIKE YOU AND EVERY UNIVERSE OUT THERE, HE WILL MEET HIS END AS I COMMAND IT!!!" The voice bellowed, causing me to try and scream as my head came very close to splitting, but no sound would come, and I simply laid there, on the gray hilltop, wishing I could cry so that I could release all this pain the voice thrust into my skull. However, sensing my defeat, the voice taunted once more, further agitating my already-aching head.

"You see now, I do not need to be seen to break you. You are nothing to me, even as I slumber beneath the world... Although, I will not kill you. Not yet." The voice mocked, causing my head to throb, but before I could respond, or even ask why, it started again, with a hint of curiosity in its haughty, disdainful tone. "I Know that you are curious as to why I am sparing your miserable existence. Well, it is quite simple: You hold a key I do not yet possess, one that lies with only two others: Jarvis, and Chris. Unfortunately, Jarvis has lost his hey, and it cannot be recovered. Chris, though, retains it, though he has refused me and will not allow me back in his mind. So, it seems that the honor of telling me all I wish to know falls to you, little mortal creature." The voice finally subsides with a hissing laugh, and I feel nauseous as the voice returns to the outside of my head, but still, I'm relieved that the pain has finally gone. But, not willing to let this blasphemous demon win, and now knowing the true name of the fake wizard I'm forced to steer right or destroy, I manage to stagger to my knees, and utter one last, defiant quip;

"You think... I'll just hand ANYTHING over to you, demon? I... am not weak... you can put me through as much pain as you want... but you'll receive nothing... nothing from me... I'll never betray my father to you..." I try to retort, but suddenly, the presence grips my mind again, and before long, I feel myself slipping out of consciousness, but not before hearing the demon taunt me one last time beforehand:

"Is that what you think? I think, Ah, KNOW, that you will give me what I want, regardless of your standing. Do not feel bad, though; You can't help it. I don't know what rules you followed in your world, but this is MY world, and here, you play by MY rules. Now... Sleep. And by the way, my name is not demon...

"It's... Ragnek."

Author's Note

Alright, here we are, one chapter closer to the end.

Can you believe it? The end is fast approaching, along with Ragnek's assured victory over all the world. Can Malideus or Nathan stop Ragnek the Unmaker? Or will all life once again bow to him, and finally come to a permanent end? Also, who does Terridax think he is, trying to send an assassin to off Malideus like that? And what of poor Kanden, what say does he get in this? Well, I can't tell you. So, here's the last few Old gods I haven't mentioned yet to keep you busy while you wait.

Mantu-Usu: Old god of the stars and the unknown, and keeper of all secrets. Mantu-Usu, like Gethys, is one of the very few original old gods who is unaffected by Ragnek's influence, having known the secret of immortality since his birth, which he refused to tell Djiin-Gytaxes, to the old god's chagrin, which likely was what led to that very same old god wiping out an entire population to figure it out for himself. Mantu-Usu, being the keeper of all secrets, is a trusted friend to a few powerful old gods, including Klein, Wahr-Seher, and Gaian-surr. However, this very charge makes him bitter enemies with all who seek his knowledge relentlessly, including Djiin-Gytaxes, Lumi (somewhat), and Noxus, for unknown reasons.

Diaxes: Old goddesses of family, camaraderie, and love. Actually two gods, the pair are said to have been so affectionate since their birth, that their love for each other, aside from causing most old gods to gag, merged them mentally and spiritually, paving way to the creation of the only old gods and old goddesses to share a name. Even more, the two have spent so much time together that they've developed a sort of hive mind, wherein their minds have both become one, and they are fully aware of it. Legends say that their love is so strong, it not only merged their spirits, but freed them from Ragnek's influence for as long as they remain together. However, the opposite is also true; it's said that if Diaxes was ever separated for any amount of time, they would both die. Diaxes see Malideus as a very dangerous piece on the board, and if given an opportunity, they would surely do everything in their power to sway him to their side, or remove him. Diaxes are allies with many of the old gods, except for Kaijurax, Shoggoth, Proteus, Djiin Gytaxes, Kragda-Maul, Gol-Garoth, Gaian-Surr, Noxus, and, of course, Ragnek.

Proteus: Old god of war, invasion, and victory. Proteus is an extremely warlike Old god, as one can tell from his title, and is said to be the progenitor of all dragons, hydras, sea serpents, and other giant, unpleasant reptiles. Being the god of war and such, Proteus gets into many arguments within the pantheon, most usually with Mundas and Klein, and is not hesitant to reveal himself to those who summon him. Unlike most old gods, however, Proteus is one of the very few who still accept Ragnek's rule and will him to be free again, and also is one of the only old gods who maintains mass worship in other countries, mostly by Griffons and Dragons, however, the ponies have taken the exact opposite approach, and have made it a punishable crime to even speak his name. When invoked, Proteus takes the form of a massive, 100-headed dragon, each head said to represent a different way to kill an opponent in combat. Proteus fully supports Malideus' endeavors, and is hated by quite a few old gods for it. Proteus is succeeded by a daughter, Progenia, who happens to be one of the few 'New' old god/goddesses to willingly take up their parent's mantle.

Kaff-Jago, Old god of rhythm and dance, and one of the three Old god patrons of the arts. Veiwed mostly as a tribal battle-god by the ponies and other Old gods, save his two siblings, Kaff-Jago is actually a wise and noble Old god, though he sees all the intricacies of life and such as a long, complex dance, especially war, his favorite dance of all. Together with his sister Munna, and his brother Poe, the three create the tribunal of art, creation, and free thought. Kaff-Jago often appears to mortals as a tribal chieftain, decorated in various feathers, paints, and plates of wood and metal, and many who speak to him or his siblings often learn to unlock their minds' eyes, becoming more philosophical and expressive in the process. Kaff-Jago is allies with Munna, Poe, Wahr-Seher, Gethys and Luft, but enemies with Shoggoth, Mundas, Klein, and Rusty Shackleford.

Munna, Old goddess of music and song, and one of the tribunal of art, along with her brothers Poe and Kaff-Jago. Also known as the moonsong maiden, the siren of thought, or the maiden in blue, her many names all pay homage to her one affinity, singing and music. Her views on the world are quite colorful, and she has a song for everyone on the planet, even Malideus. Her singing and music-making is constant, as one would expect, though as her time draws to an end, she seeks an heir to carry on her voice for when her song finally draws to a close. Munna is one of the only Old gods who can stop Kaijurax when he's rampaging, but often finds herself too preoccupied with her rather persistent enemies, like Shoggoth and Tyrranax, to find time to stop the destructive old god when he goes on a rampage.

Poe: Old god of legends, stories, and poetry, as well as the third member of the tribunal of art. Poe is a dedicated writer amongst old gods, and is often in charge of saving history through the theatrical arts, as well as inspire passion, thought, and freedom through them as well. Unlike his siblings, however, Poe has already created an heir to his throne to carry his legacy after his death, though the new god/goddess has yet to make a name or consistent form for themselves, though they have taken a liking to the name 'Perost', and seems to be developing an affinity to the cold and to happiness, an unusual combination indeed.

Ragnek, old god of endings and inevitability. Said to be the firstborn and most powerful of all old gods, Ragnek ruled the world in the past-times for countless millennia, observing all that transpired and exacting his will alongside his counterpart, the second-born old goddess of beginnings and choice. Not much is known of these times, except that the old gods under Ragnek, including his own counterpart, rebelled against him in an attempt to halt the destruction of all they tried so hard to create. However, Ragnek took countless many old gods with him when he finally fell, including his own counterpart, who he, according to oral legend among old gods, 'split into two halves, to be stripped of almost all power and never be whole again'. Ragnek now resides in the lowest bowels of Tartarus, slumbering patiently as he awaits the day he would be freed by none other than Malideus himself, using the blood of the old goddess of creation to free him from his infernal tomb.

Celune, Old goddess of beginnings and choice, said to be born into the world after Ragnek, to keep him in check. For many years, Celune carried out her mission with ease and success, never faltering in her vigilance over all creation. One day, though, the old goddess was tricked by those below her, deceived into believing that the one she thought she had under control, Ragnek, was actually a tyrant and a monster, destroying all that Celune and those below her tried so hard to create, all for his own sick amusement. The lesser old gods tricked Celune into aiding them in fighting Ragnek, but though they outnumbered him many times over, Ragnek still destroyed many old gods, turning them to dust in moments, but he spared Celune by tearing her in half, rendering her incapable of ever opposing him again. But though the action seemed cruel and desperate at the time, and to the many who witnessed it, it was in fact his own love for Celune that prevented him from ending the goddess of beginnings where she fell. After all, how could an old god like Ragnek ever bring himself to kill his own sister?

33 : The (Almost) End

Kanden...

I breathed heavily as I alighted upon the fluffy clouds of the sky city, where all the pegasi were headed. A city in the sky... man, this isn't normal, is it? Anyway, back on track. I took a few cautious steps while on the puffy cloud-streets, but quickly gained my bearings. I still was nauseous, though, due to my still-lingering guilt of killing and eating a child. I wanted to throw up, but I didn't know how. So, without the ability to do anything of the sort, I walk onward. Already, I was seeing the results of heavy combat within the walls of the city; destroyed buildings, corpses of both ponies and devils, and it certainly put me at unease. But, I had a mission, and that was to get rid of these ponies, and save Malideus... assuming he was here, anyway.

I walked for a few minutes, taking in the dreary sight of the destroyed, run-down city, hearing the sounds of fighting from every direction, but seeing no actual bloodshed. But as I walk, I start to feel... well, queasy, for lack of a better word, like something was trying to fight my insides.

"Oooogh... feels I'm disagreeing with something I ate..." I mutter, pondering why the phrase sounded so familiar. But, the feeling was ignorable for now, so I did just that, and forced what was coming up right back down. Then, I continued, searching for anyone alive that wasn't trying to kill me.

"Hmph... where is everyone? Why is the fighting happening EVERYWHERE but where I am?" I asked, wandering about, but as I wander, I could not shake two things; one, that queasy feeling, and two, the feeling that something really, really bad was about to happen. However, I quickly looked around, and found my goal; a giant, cloud-laden factory building, with pink smoke drifting from it, and the sounds of combat heavy from within. That place, if anywhere, had to have the answers I sought.

"Humph... well, better to start somewhere than nowhere... Ai'ght, let's do this." I confidently said aloud, and I thus began my trek, preparing to fight whatever stood in my way. So, taking my gauntlet up in front of me, I began my trek slowly, eventually breaking into a run as I ventured forth, searching for survivors of some kind, and still holding back my physical unease. However, try as I might, I still only found the remains of ponies, and a few squat, red bodies of creatures I couldn't even begin to identify. But, they weren't alive, so I ran on, oblivious to the dead I passed. However, my running soon ended as a fight presented itself; though it did seem rather one-sided, and doomed to end against my favor; five armored ponies stood ready, weapons out, against three armored, squat, red creatures with spears, whiplike flaming tails, and heavy-looking, black armor covering their upper halves. I prepared to witness a slaughter of these odd creatures, but to my amazement, the three dodged perfectly as the five ponies charged in unison, and proceeded to efficiently and quickly kill the five pony soldiers with astonishing speed. However, the kid I ate didn't seem to like the spectacle, and my guts roiled horribly, forcing me to clench my suit's gut, and wish I could vomit. The small, reptilian creatures saw this, though, and rose their spears at me, glaring with beady, fiery eyes.

"Hold it, scum! Get up and state your business, now!" The squat creature commanded, causing me to look at him, forcing my sickness back enough to stand up.

"Uuh, well... *hrghk*... I am..." I tried to spout, but a spear was thrust at my neck before I could finish, and a disgruntled monster sighed, and spoke.

"Spit it out, freak! I don't wanna kill you, but I won't hesitate. Are you a pony, or not?" The creature asked, lowering its spear as it finished to allow me to speak.

"Uhhhh... no, I don't think I am." I shakily reply, and the squat creatures lowered their spears, and stood back, to my surprise, though they didn't lessen their glares.

"Then your as good an ally as we're gonna get. Welcome to the shitstorm, maggot." The devilish creature said, eyeing me grumpily.

"Uh... what? I'm just looking for a guy named Malideus, didn't come here to get drafted."

"Tough shit, bro. You wanna talk to the boss? You gotta save this project first. So? What'll it be, maggot?" The little creature asked.

Ugh... why do I keep getting dragged into this shit? Well, I didn't want to kill any of these guys, since they aren't trying to kill me, so with a sigh, I reluctantly reply.

"Ehhh... fine. What'cha need from me?" I ask giving the one in charge a deadpan look.

"Hmph. Smart man. Follow us, you'll see." The short creature replied, a trace of a grin on his mouth. And with that, I set off again, hopefully into a situation that gets me out of this one.

Ugh, again with these messes.

Meanwhile, from the view of Malideus...

The thundering of my armor jostled me as I threw the feet forward, keeping the mech in a constant run. I was amazed at how fast the thing could move; in the few hours I had been moving, I was already near Canterlot; I could see it from here, and I was still getting closer. Now, I just needed a plan to get over the wall... actually, I didn't. I just needed to go up to it, and knock it down. So, some semblance of a plan in my head, I activated the jump jets on the beast I was piloting, and with a deafening roar, I slowly began my ascent up the mountain, using my claw to grip the cliff face when my jets overheated, and allowed them to cool before jumping again. Continuing this pattern, my climb had begun, and soon, nothing was going to stand in the way between me and my... Goal..? What... what WAS my goal? It was to Kill Celestia, right? Or... was it kill Ragnek? Get home..? Gah, I can't keep thinking about this little crap! I need to focus, now that I'm so close to the end of all this craziness!

I finally stopped thinking about it all, but as soon as I did, I began to feel... strange. Like, Being watched strange. Immediately, I turned about, and addressed my first culprit.

"Alright Ragnek, Piss off! I know it's you!" I shouted through the speakers, but after a while, all was silent, and I still had that feeling. So, thinking it just a fluke, I turn about again, and hear a snide, girlish cough right in front of me, causing me to stop in shock, then growl as a new culprit came to light.

"Kinua, you had better not have been following me, you little shiiiiiiii-hiiii-hiiiiiiIIIIIIIIT!!!!!" I screamed, looking down at the single most horrifying thing I had ever seen in my life; it was short, glowing blue, and hovering just below my line of sight... a fuck-mothering g-g-g-ghost, man!

"Hello, master!" the familiar ghost chimed, waving at me, and it took all my willpower not to faint, especially after realizing just who this specter was.

"W-W-Whip...!?!?" I stammered, eliciting a slight (and fucking terrifying) giggle from the ghost of my former Masochistic servant.

"Hee hee! That's right, Master! I came back, just for you! See, I have something veeerrrry important to tell you!" Whip explains, causing me to stop shaking, but still feeling ready to make like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo and like, run, man!

"I... I see..." I stammer, torn between relief and fear. I hate ghosts, after all. But at the same time, I really liked whip...

"Yes, listen, I don't have a lot of time, sir, but I've a LOT to tell you, and I don't think you're gonna like most of it. You see... I met with an old god when I died, and he told me things. Things I need to tell you." Whip said, and I sighed, understanding. Of course she wouldn't be back for long, her introduction did seem rather rushed. Either way, though, I was happy to see her at least one more time. But that, would have to wait.

"Alright... what do you have for me?" I ask, and Whip smiles, and begins her explanation.

"You... might want to sit down for this. This is gonna get pretty meta." Whip says, and I sigh, moving my armor to get seated for the worst story ever. Hoo, boy. So, Whip goes on explaining all the stuff I already know to me, much to my chagrin; the old gods, Lumi, Ragnek, and the plot currently in motion, for Ragnek to make me his champion, and so on and so forth. But soon enough, it hits something interesting: A random plot twist, that I had no idea from whence it came; Something about my old pal, Ragnek, and that I had a much, much bigger part to play in this whole multiverse-mess than I thought. But naturally, I got caught up in the thing with Ragnek first.

"Wait, hold up... Ragnek's a what now?" I ask, caught up in mixed feelings (mostly confusion) as Whip re-explained everything to me for the second time.

"He's only vaguely related to them, not one of them. Either way, they're called Sys Admins, and their like super-gods, to put it bluntly." Whip explained, causing me to turn the gears in my head. Sys Admins... have I heard that before somewhere? Bah, it doesn't matter. Just another reason to tear Ragnek a new one.

"So... Ragnek's in league with universe admins, and I have to kill him, and help someone kill the douche admins in question?" I ask, feeling like I finally understood what was going on.

"That's the long and short of it." Whip quickly replied, and I lowered my head, trying to take all this in. It wasn't hard, though. After all the shit I've been trough, I was willing to accept this at face value. I was to be the badass that freed the multiverse. It was simple. It was foolproof. I could totally do this, like the Badass that I truly was, and was born to be... Except... For reality, damn its hide.

"But... I'm not a badass, Whip." I say, lowering my head further. "I'm just one fucking teenage boy with a magic stick and a planeswalking uncle-in-law of death. What am I going to do to Ragnek and his deity colleagues, gnaw on their ankles? I lost my inner circle. I lost my power. Hell, I lost YOU. Why am I getting the shit end of the stick here?" I ask, not really to Whip, or anyone really, just to the universe in general. But, ever my faithful minion, even in death, Whip put an ethereal arm around me, and did her best to cheer me up.

"Look, sir, I don't know why this all happened to you. You were so strong before... It's why I respected and followed you... It's why I still do so." Whip said, garnering serious confusion from me.

"Huh?" I ask, lifting myself out of my own self-pity, if only for a moment.

"Malideus... you are not weak. You are still the strong, brave, villainous human I became infatuated with since the day he first slapped me." Whip began, Grabbing my shoulders. "You are not some teenager, you are not even just some one-shot villain! You are Malideus, Scourge eternal, bringer of plagues and burner of orphanages! You have a destiny to fulfill, dammit, to balance the scales of good and evil, and to be the champion of both! Now, with all due respect, I didn't blow up to hear you snivel about it. I did it to see you tear those rebels into fertilizer, So you are either going to get your fateless ass into Canterlot and kill Ragnek for both our sakes, or I swear I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Do you hear me!?" Whip finally ended her rant, leaving me dazed and confused, like She was the one who slapped me. But nonetheless, it was needed. Her metaphorical slap left me feeling... empowered. She... I think I'm ready to admit that she was right. However, my confession did not come out right, and instead made me look like a sentimental idiot, kinda like this;

"Whip... I..." I stammer, my brain and mouth not feeling like cooperating, and making me sound like a total fool. but thankfully, Whip interrupted me, phasing through my armor and embracing me, ending with her ghostly mouth over my real one. I couldn't really feel it, per say, but the sentiment, and the sensation, was still there, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me a hard-on. Finally, Whip pulled away from me, and looked solemnly at me, but with a smile on her face.

"Malideus... don't be that guy. Don't stammer, or don't say it." Whip chided, eliciting a blush from yours truly.

"Err, right... sorry. I just... why? Why the intimacy? What happened to the Master-minion confidentiality?" I say, opting humor over dramatics, hoping it would stop this horrible feels-fest where it was. Alas, fate had other plans, and still Whip held onto me, reluctant to let go. And after a brief, but intimate silence, the spectre sighed, still smiling softly, and spoke once more.

"Look... Malideus... I... I always really liked you, ever since that first time we worked together. I know Mizzy has you now, and maybe always will, but... I sometimes dreamed of us, sir... together. But still, I know it couldn't have ever been, as much as it hurt to know." Whip stopped, seeming to almost choke up, but she swiftly continued, something I seemed unable to do anymore.

"Malideus, I... I know the parting hurts, but... I wish you nothing but luck... in everything, from this, to Mizzy, to... well... everything. I want you to know that, always. From the bottom of my heart." Whip said, beginning to release her grip on me, to my infinite dislike. And once again, Malideus the incompetent makes another heartfelt stammerfest, longing ever-so-sickeningly for the minion he kinda felt attracted to.

"Whip... Will I... ever see you again?" I ask, totally not about to cry, because crying is for ladies, like you! However, Whip only smiled knowingly, and fully released me, beginning her trek back to the god of death's realm, but not before one last, heart-wrenching few words;

"Another life, maybe... another life... My love..."

I totally didn't cry.

Anyway, after my last meeting with Whip, I finally calmed down enough to gauge what she said to me. She said I was still strong, even without ragnek. That, I could believe. But to balance good and evil? Become champion of BOTH? Ha, fuck that. Full evil fo' life, bitches! Still, though, her words held fast within my heart. She only wanted for me to succeed... I couldn't let her down now, not while she spent that time to crawl out of hell to talk to me. To wish me... luck, in everything... even Mizzy... (I am not going to fucking cry! Stop counting on it!)

"Hnn... I... I..." I started, realizing the full weight of Whip's inspirational words, at long last. "... I'm coming for you, Fag-nek. And you too, bitch-lestia." I said, and without another word, I lurched forward with my suit, and strode forward, like a metal, legged freight train. It wasn't long before I reached the city proper, at the base of the mountain I stood, ready to end this fustercluck once and for all.

"No wall too high, your majesty... I'll crawl from the depths of hell to bring you with me." I muttered, and I began my long, but ignorable ascent, using my claw to grapple the rock face between jumps, like a big, murderous insect.

Finally, I reached the top of the wall, unaffected by the runic wards thanks to the armor, and I simply stood there, taking in the last glimpse of beautiful Canterlot before I personally levelled it. I stood a moment, watching the unaware citizens below, before flexing my claw, and getting ready to jump down, and start this slaughterfest.

"Better get ready, Celestia, 'cause I'm going in hard, fast, and without lube." I growled, readying my jump jets, and finally activating them, jumping into the city below me. I landed quickly in the street below me with a loud 'boom', causing several ponies to stop dead, and slowly turn to my direction, delicious fear on their faces. Oh man, this is going to be SOOOOO easy, it almost makes me sad.

Almost.

"Boo." I said through the speakers, and at that, every single pony screamed and bolted away from me, leaving me at liberty to run down the street, ripping up lamp posts, throw them at orphanages, and generally deface as much public and private property as I could. However, I should have known the guards would come for me soon enough, and I stopped at the sound of hoofsteps, just to see just what I was dealing with. And frankly, I was not amused. A few guards, all with swords unsheathed, stood gawking at me, unable to move out of what I assumed was fear. I turned about completely to face them, but they didn't even stand still long enough to let me scare them before running in the other direction, likely for reinforcements.

"Buncha pussies..." I noted to myself, a tad miffed at the sudden cowardice the guards were displaying, before turning around and continuing my rather destructive stroll of the city.

"Now where to the Castle prope-" I tried to say, until My question was cut short by a loud 'Twang!!!' against my armor, which I found to be a spear. I looked up in front of me, and was shocked to see the guard had, in fact, mobilized to curb my rampage. I stood in silence a while, not even breathing, and the guards did the same. No words were spoken; none were needed. Finally, after an eternity of dead silence and dirty looks, I raised my aether cannon and opened fire on the line of guards, who tried to shield themselves from the cannon fire, but could do little more than raise a bubble for a few mere seconds before my gun ripped the shield apart. However, they kept putting them up faster than I could break them, So I switched to plan B: Melee. Using my jump jets, I dashed forward towards the line of persistent guards, and swung my claw at the shield, breaking it instantly, and grabbed the first guard I could with my claw, crushing him in half in an instant. Then, the guards acted, piling on top of me with reckless abandon, and jabbing swords into the armor's crevasses, looking for a weak spot. Fortunately, Kelias built this thing tight, and no prodding they did revealed any sort of advantage, and I quickly threw several of the guards off before curb-stomping them with my massive boots.

"That all you fuckers got? Come on, where are your armies? Your champions? Your princesses!?" I shouted as I threw guards every which-way, firing at them as they flew. However, one of the bastards managed to get in front of my camera, and tried to punch it while yelling at me.

"Don't you talk about our princesses like that, you coward!" He demanded, but I simply pried him off my face, and held him firmly as he struggled to be free of my grasp.

"I don't think you get it, freak. I'll talk about whoever I want, however I want. And who's going to stop me? You? You can't even save yourself." I said, more than a little coldly, and with that, I throw the guard aside, deciding to spare him in an odd show of mercy. Odd indeed... anyway, with the police line trashed, I made a quick run through the city again, killing anything that got between me and my goal, whatever that may be. Whatever it was, it had to be at the castle, of that I was sure. So, that in mind, I used my jets to leap on top of a building, and proceeded to parkour my way to the castle, building to building, mirror's edge-style... If mirror's edge had mechs. Anywho, as I leaped from rooftop to rooftop, I began to think. What was I going to do with all this? Old Gods, Elder Dragons, Khorne... How was I going to solve all this? I pondered this, barely missing an odd, dark figure below me, but ultimately waived it off. I'll just deal with this the way I always have... on the go. Whoever comes at me, let them come. I am human; I will adapt. Overcome. Destroy.

...

"Yes... Destroy. Let's just hope I don't get destroyed myself..." I accidentally say out loud as I leap, quickly making my way to my final destination.

Meanwhile, with Kanden.

I can't believe my luck. Two minutes in, and I kill someone, get drafted by devils, and am now on a quest to save a village that already fell. Poetic, when I think about it.

"Hey, biggun! quit yer daydreamin'! We're almost there." A devil, the leader by looks of it, cried, snapping my focus back into a reality.

"Uuh, hey, leader guy, refresh my memory, where is 'there' again?" I asked, not quite remembering why these three dragged me along. Finally, after a momentary silence, the lead devil sighed, and looked at me, answering my query with a stern glare.

"My name isn't 'guy', maggot, it's Shimsil. And to answer your question, 'there'... is THAT." Shimsil said, pointing to a giant, dilapidated factory, with pink, sparkling clouds emerging from it. "Our objective is to meet up with alpha team and gamma team, and re-take the factory before these damned ponies make off with our secret weapon." I looked at Shimsil with a confused expression, before asking another question.

"Okaaayyyy... but, what exactly do I have to do with this? Isn't this YOUR fight?" I ask, ready for a tongue-lashing, but instead the devil laughs, followed by both his companions.

"Ha! You landed here looking for our boss, right?" Shimsil asks, to which I nod.

"Yeah. So?" I ask.

"Well, maggot, you just MADE it your fight. Now, enough chatter. Let's lock and load, soldiers!" Shimsil beckons, and the other two devils give a quick 'hoo-ah!' before gripping their spears and sprinting off to the rendezvous point. However, Shimsil does not sprint, and instead cautiously jogs forward, sniffing the air like a wolf, eyes squinted into a focused glare. I almost ask him what was up, but something told me that if it was making a devil cautious, I didn't want to know. Finally, we reach the point, fifteen feet away from the entrance, hidden behind some rubble. And it seems the other teams have beat us to it, ten devils in all, idly catting amongst themselves before taking notice of the latecoming team, and then, most noticeably, me.

"Alright, we're here, Sergeant Echolis. What's the battle plan?" Shimsil asks, but the decorated lead devil, apparently named 'Echolis', but the devil keeps his three eyes on me, the middle one glowing an unnatural red color.

"What the hell is that thing doing with your squad, Shimsil? Where's Enoch and Malissa?" Echolis asks, and Shimsil points to me, shrugging.

"Both banished, sir. Killed by a damned ambush on the way here. This guy is just a straggler we picked up. Says he's looking for Malideus." Shimsil says, and Echolis glares at him, flames leaking from his mouth as he spoke.

"And you just LED him here!? He could be an enemy for Malfegor's sake, private! What in Hell's name were you thinking!?" Echolis snapped, but Shimsil stood fast, challenging the sergeant with his posture.

"That we were down two devils, the ponies obviously hate him, and we could've used the support, sir." Shimsil retorted, adding a hint of disdain to his 'sir'. Echolis looked at Shimsil a while, unnerving intensity in his three-eyed stare, then to me, causing me to flinch.

"You... you'd better be a damned good soldier, stranger; my platoon doesn't need any deadbeats in flashy armor. Now, the plan; we're going in from three directions; my squad will take the east side, Schorl's team will have the back, and Shimsil, you take the... wait, what's that noise?" Echolis asked, and I start to hear it, too; wingbeats, lots of them. Suddenly, several armored pegasi land from above us to all around us, weapons drawn. It's a trap!!!

"DAMN IT! It's an ambush!" The black devil, named Schorl, yelled, grabbing his choice weapons, a hammer and a hand scythe. Everyone soon followed suit, unsheathing weapons, and backing toward the center, facing all twelve adversaries. Finally, one of the pegasi points at us with her spear, and talks, pointing at me in particular.

"It's over, vile demons! You are under arrest for your service to Malideus, and will face trial and execution! Now drop your weapons!" The grizzled, grey-maned warmare demanded, but the Devils all immediately laughed at her, giving the group of soldiers their answer.

"Shut yer donghole, you old nag! You want us, you'll have to take us!" Shimsil replied, followed by a comment by Schorl:

"Yeah, you might have us outed in number, but one devil's worth two of your kind, and you just picked a fight with the WRONG veterans." Schorl laughed, followed by several guffaws from his men. The pony soldiers seemed taken aback by this, but did not waver.

"You... you beasts! I'll have your head for this!" the leader says at last, but the Devils just laugh, undaunted by the promise of death.

"Then take 'em, little girl. A'ight, boys, Skin 'em alive! You too, new guy." Echolis says to me, and I see the glimmer in his eyes. He thinks I can fight. Well, who am I to disappoint?

"... Yes, sir." I say after a pause, and Echolis smiles, and the fight begins. The Ponies all charge, spears out, but they catch no one; the devils are too nimble. In retaliation, Schorl jumps on one pony, and decapitates them with his sickle, while his men are massing on another, beating him senseless while he runs around, flailing like a madman. A pony manages to get a sword out, and he aims a strike at Echolis, but the ancient devil blocks the thrust with his armored tail, and opens the soldier for a riposte, stabbing the soldier with his own sword. The devils are fighting valiantly, but the ponies don't seem to die easily either, and many devils and ponies fall in the bloodbath. However, before I can really get into the fight, I'm blocked by a spear that attempts to skewer me; the leader of this ambush.

"You're not going anywhere, demon." She says, before trying to take my head with her sword. However, I simply raise a shoulder, and the blade shatters on it, astonishing us both.

"B-but... how..? That sword was blessed!" The leader stammers, and I take the opportunity to rush her, gripping her in a bear hug, and finally leaning back, downing her with a suplex, followed by an elbow drop from above. However, despite the punishment I've dealt her, she does not stay down for long. And before I can ready myself, the soldier shoulder-rushes me, staggering me, and then readies her spear, preparing to thrust... only for a sword to knock the point down, causing her to miss. Shimsil, that devil I first met, is holding the leader at bay while I stand there, my hearts pounding.

"Well?! Don't just stand there, run!" He says, confusing me.

"W-what? Run!?" I ask, shocked, but Shimsil interrupts me with great haste, straining to hold off the decorated warmare.

"Yes, run! You gotta get to the factory, find a devil named Schlosh! He's the key, what they're after! I'm putting all my faith into you, soldier, now get going!" He says, and I feel a pang of something unusual in my chest. He... he trusts me?

"Your efforts are for naught, monster! We will find the weapon, and destroy it! We've already taken-" The leader says, only to be interrupted by Shimsil, who glares back at her with unrivaled hatred.

"I told you to stow it, bitch! Now get... off... my... CLOUD!" Shimsil roars, throwing the spear aside, and jumping at the soldier, clawing at her face. And with that, I run, not letting these brave soldier's sacrifices be in vain. I have to get to the factory... get Schlosh, get him before they do. Finally, I arrive at the gate, and I see... a short, tailless devil, with a goblin-like face and red skin, surrounded by pony guards. Aiming a shot, my rage and determination filling my arm-cannon, I fire a great, glowing green shot between the guards, throwing them everywhere, tearing the ones nearest to the shot apart in a shower of chunks and blood. I finally reach the devil, who seems absolutely astonished, I reach out with my hand, beckoning him to follow me, in hopes I've found who I'm looking for.

"You there, devil! Come with me if you want to live!"

Now for Celestia...

I can't stand it in here. This throne room feels like a prison as I stand in it, awaiting Malideus. Nathan said he'd guard the entrance, but that doesn't fill me with hope. Instead, it fills me with dread. The one friendly human we meet is surely dead, for who knows what Malideus has in store. I need... I need to calm down. Luna is beside me, just as stoic as I am, and we won't stop waiting. I just have... to wait. He'll come. He has to.

"Or does he..?" A voice chimes in my head, obviously the Narrator. But I ignore it. "Ah, so smug, are we? You'll never beat Malideus. Never. Not even with your sister. Not even with all the power in the world. And do you know why, Dear girl?" The Narrator asks, and without thinking, I answer.

"No. Why?" I think, almost aloud.

"Because he is fateless! Your villains only fall because fate decrees it, but he won't abide. He'll come, he'll meet you, and you will die. It is inevitable, you know, he will..." The Narrator continues his rant, but I ignore him, focusing on the door in front of me. However, soon enough, to my shock, as well as Luna's, the door flies open, revealing Nathan, flying out from the other side.

"Gyaaaa-Oof!!!" Nathan cries, hitting the far wall with a resounding 'CRACK!'. Before we can check on him, though, a lound, metallic stomp reverberates through the empty throne room, revealing a massive foot, then a massive body, black and metallic like polished midnight, with green lights dancing over its massive frame. Then, the armor stood, silent, before raising its clawed hand at me and my stunned sister, and closing all but one finger, pointing at us. Finally, after a brief period of silence, I at last spoke, to at least deter this massive, heavily-plated monster.

"What are you, fiend!? Identify yourself at once!" I yelled, my commanding voice resounding across the room in a lordly echo. But the armor stood there, lowering its arm, and it... laughed, all too familiarly. Me and Luna cringed as the thing guffawed, its tone, its posture, its VOICE... it could... only be...

"Ohhhh, Celestia... Forgotten already?" The armor said, glaring at us, before continuing.

"It's me again... It's Malideus... Bitch.

Back to Malideus, mainly because I can't seem to find Kanden... odd...

I charged into the door, using my jets as boosters, and they flew open as the wood met Darksteel, and the former simply could not match up. Doors now open I quickly rushed through the halls, easily taking out the surprised guards. They tried to defend, but the combined efforts of my claw, my bulk, and my Aether cannon reduced their number to a few quivering cowards, the rest dead or dying. It wasn't hard, seeing as I was now invincible, but it was also expediated by the sudden background music, which I activated on accident by pressing a black button with my elbow. Damn, Kelias, you're always one step ahead of the rest in knowing what I like, especially considering that the music was changable. But for now, it stayed this, my rather upbeat, ass-kicking tune, who I know exactly it belonged to. Now, the way was open, and my path secure. Nothing could stop me now, not even...

"Stop right there, asshat!" A voice called, stopping me mid-thought, and I screeched to a halt as a single, giant-armored gold knight intercepted me, axe raised, itching for a fight. It didn't take a genius to know just who this familiar interloper was; Nathan, that butt I ran into only too many times to count.

"Alright, good. Now turn around, or die." Nathan said, trying to threaten me, but I was the big one, now. To my suit, he was just another guard, and it was such I quickly told him.

"...No. No, it's you who's dying this time, you gilded fuckwit." I snarled through the megaphone, letting the knight hear my voice. However, my opponent was not taken aback, but rather emboldened by my sudden reveal, and quickly adjusted his stance, and let me know.

"Malideus... Or, should I say Chris... Old friend." Nathan said, mildly confusing me. 'Old friend'? Didn't seem like words he'd use for me, even as an insult. But he couldn't have known me before... Right?

"What are you blathering about now, you git?" I asked, only to be replied to rather quickly and brutally.

"You know, Chris. You always have. High school. Remember?" He said, confusing me for a moment, but I quickly dropped my jaw at the realization. High school... That's... That's where I knew this kid from!? OH, for the love of Christ, the cliche' in here is KILLING ME!!!

"Ehr... I don't... remember a high school..." I said, trying to weasel out of the awkwardness, but to no avail. He quickly cut me short, and pressed on with the explanation of how he knew who I was.

"Don't fucking lie to me. SHE told me. We knew eachother. You were my friend, and I yours. To think you were such a nice guy... How could this happen to you? How could Chris, the school nice guy, have become such a narcissistic, murderous monster?" He asked, getting me less confused, and more angry. But still, I had to worm my way out of this, this was just too awkward.

"I really don't have a clue what you're on about. I'm not Chris, I'm fucking MALIDEUS. Now, stand aside, before I have to really hurt you." I said, waiving him to the side, but he only stood there, further infuriating me.

"Lumi told me everything, Chris. It's over. You're not getting past me... not without a fight." Nathan says, and He readies his axe, to my annoyance. He said the name Lumi... I've heard her name before, from Kragda-Maul, Bolas rest his soul. But if she was stooping this low to make me stop... Heh, she must be pretty desperate. So, straightening my stance, arms up, and chest out, I look at Nathan... and reply.

"Then so be it, 'friend'. You're the challenger here, though... so go ahead. Hit me." I growl, smiling. And as expected, Nathan charges me, screaming, but I don't even waste my brain cells on him as to a proper response. With a flick of the wrist, just as he is about to bury his axe blade in my suit's chest, the claw arm on the suit flies forward, in an outward arc, swatting the golden knight aside like a tennis ball... and boy, does he fly like one.

"AAAaaaa-Gyaaaaaaaa!!!... Oof!" I hear the knight cry as he flies through the throne room doors, before hitting the far wall with a thunderous 'crack'. So, that done, I walk inside the now-open doors, and am greeted by... wait... what...?

"It... Can't..." I stammer quietly,looking upon the fresh hell I've now entered, unconsciously pointing at the two monsters before me... none other than Ornstein and Smough themselves.

"Oh... Oh dear... My PTSD is triggering." I quietly said, to myself, as black-and-white 'you died' screens filled my mind's eye. However, though, It soon fades, because the one dressed as Ornstein soon speaks, their voice unmistakable. Oh, yes, I know just who this bitch was, as soon as she opened her mouth to try and intimidate me.

"Halt, fiend! Identify yourself, now!" The faux-Ornstein commanded, and I simply stood there. And I laughed. I had too, this was just too much. Oh... Oh, poor girl... she had no idea...

"Ha... Ha ha... HA ha hahahahahahahaha!!! Oh... Ohhhh, Celestia... Forgotten already? I said, taking the two by surprise, as they almost jumped. And so, readying myself, I altered my pose, so fucking ready to end this shit where it stood.

"It's me again... It's Malideus... Bitch." I growled, so ready for this fight. The last fight. The ultimate fight. And this time, oh, and this time...

I wasn't losing.

Author's Note

SURPRISE, IT WAS JUST A FEELS-FEST!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! Right into my brilliant trap you have fallen, young adventurer!!!

Seriously though, Christ, that one took forever. Well, just as well, this is it, the end. Will Celestia and Luna beat Malideus once and for all? Will Kanden be found? Will I ever stop putting this story off? Find out next time, dear readers!

34: Game, set, match.

Malideus...

I Clenched the suit's claws as I stared blankly at my final obstacles, both of them. Celestia and Luna, dressed as Smough and Ornstein for... some reason. Well, either way, this was happening, and I was ready. All I'd been doing had led up to this moment. The people I met. The enemies I killed, and the ones I spared. Now, it has all come to fruition. I was going to get through these two clowns, kill Ragnek, and become a god. But first... came this.

"So... You two've been busy, huh?" I ask, attempting to distract and circle the two, but they were far apart, ready to counter any move I made. Still, almost characteristically, Celestia was the first to speak up in reply.

"Malideus, I don't know what you're doing here, or what you intend to do after, but it doesn't matter. This ends, NOW. I'm giving you one last chance: Surrender peacefully, or die." Celestia warned, but it was all puffed-up sputtering, the last threats of a cornered and dying animal. She can't take me. None of these worms can. And I was eager to let her know just what I thought of this whole charade.

"Hm. So, after all this time, after all I've done, Celestia, you're still trying to get me to go down quietly. Why? Do you really see that much good in me? Or are you just scared you'll lose?" I ask, buying time to find a weak spot in their positions. So far, nothing. But I'll find something. I just have to keep her talking.

"Celestia, give it up. He'll never repent his ways. He won't stop until the world is left in ashes, just as his masters like it." Luna chides, surprising me. Damn, who knew she could be so bitter? Still, Celestia shakes her head, and retorts.

"No. Malideus, I admit that I've been... lenient with you during your stay. But unlike you, I try to see the good in everything. I try to bring it out. I know what your attempt at genocide is; it's a lost child, crying for help. You don't understand this land or its inhabitants, so you destroy them. That is how you... humans, work, is it not?" Celestia asks, but I say nothing, still looking for a chance to make the first strike, allowing Celestia to spout some more pretentious garbage at me.

"Well, I've tried seeing the good in you. I've tried luring it out. Now, though, I'm afraid that I can't anymore. After seeing what happens next Malideus, I can't afford to be kind with you anymore. So, Malideus, this is it. This is where I draw the line. Sooner or later, one way or another, you'll have to learn when to stop... and it looks like that time is now. Because right now, if you keep doing this, if you keep going the way you are... You're REALLY not going to like what happens next." Celestia leered, unnerving me immensely, like I could feel my sins crawling up my back. But, I was steeled for this fight, and no amount of pillow talk was going to get me to back down from my last shot at ultimate power. Not this time.

"Big talk, for a peace-loving flower child. But that's neither here nor there. You want me to stop? THEN MAKE ME. That is... if you can." I challenged, readying my pose to charge her full-force. But despite my efforts and obvious threat, she made no moves, and continued to eye me, almost pityingly.

"Don't do this Malideus. I haven't taken a life in my entire queenship of this land. But I'm done beating around the bush, as it were. I have given you your warnings. I've drawn the boundaries. And I will enforce them for as long as you threaten them. Malideus, I won't move to kill you. I won't even threaten to. But if you take even one more step... You're going to have a bad time." She says, and I almost fall over, dumbfounded. That dyke just Sans'd me! Christ, this was going to either be really bad, or really fun. Either way... I was BORN ready. So, in commemoration of our two-on-one duel, I put one foot forward, And Celestia sighs, lowering her head, While Luna tightens her grip around her hammer, ready to do this thing. Just like me. Finally, after the briefest pause, Celestia puts her head back up, leering at me beneath her leonid helmet, and speaks.

"Well, guess that's it. Here we go." She then readies her spear and lance, ready to charge, and Luna follows suit, the fight inches away from breaking into a castle-destroying Hell.

Here we go, indeed.

Suddenly, before I can even blink, it happens. In a split second, Celestia moves across the room, and slams her lance into the suit's chest, throwing me down the hall, right into the waiting hammer of Luna, who bats me to the other end of the hall like a professional. So, in an effort to retaliate, I activate the suit's jets, angling myself into a better landing position, and suit's feet hit the tile floor with enough speed and force to leave a crater and upheave flooring. But still, I nonetheless held up my aether cannon, took aim at Celestia, and opened fire at her, knowing her own magic would weaken her to the cannon's shots. But, almost shockingly, she dodged them, every last one, even the fat charged shot. And in no time, she was right up against me, ready to throw me into the air again. But before that, and even during, came her usual monologue... though this one actually caught my interest, later in.

"You know, Malideus, you could have stopped this. It didn't have to end this way. In another universe, perhaps, we could've even been friends." Celestia says, attempting another skewer with her spear, which I barely dodge, due to her staggering speed. Seriously, how the fuck did she get this quick!? Anyway, I'm tempted to tell her off, but she denies me the opportunity, continuing her own, unusual speech.

"I bet you're curious as to why I'm talking to you about this. Different timelines. Different endings. Different ways to tell the story. Well, I didn't even know these things existed, until only moments ago. I was curious when you arrived, yes, but I was never sure... until now." Celestia continues, striking thrust after thrust at me, While Luna swings at me with her hammer, forcing me to go into maximum over-vigilance. I literally have no time to retort or really anything else, only dodge, while Celestia continues her annoying-as-fuck speech. God damn, GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!

"... Malideus, you can't even imagine the things I heard from her. Different universes, Alternate planes of existence We never even thought possible, even WITH magic. The fact that time goes not one way, but branches out, forming rivers all their own. Forming seas. Cascading down falls. Flowing into deltas. Infinite possibilities, infinite universes where ANYTHING could have happened. I could never have been Princess. There could have been SEVEN Elements of Harmony, or even none at all... You could have been a decent person. You can't imagine how this feels, being so close to better places, better stories, but knowing you'll never have their happy ending. Knowing that, one day, your story, your whole world, just... stops. Like it never even existed." Celestia rants on, not even sounding like she's talking to me, but simply saying her mind to the open air... While she's stabbing me. Still, even if she isn't focused, her sister is, and she's raining hell on me; I narrowly avoid a strike to my head, only to have to roll away from a well-timed swing, that while ultimately missing me by inches, destroys a pillar in its wake. Even so, I put my faith into the suit that it wouldn't break, and continued diving and dodging the hits as they came, a nonetheless difficult feat, given that Luna was swinging a massive hammer at me, and Celestia was moving at the freakin' speed of light. Even so, I was doing well. It was only a matter of time before she tired herself out, and I could give them back all this hell.

"Stops? What the Hell are you on about this time?" I ask, my curiosity obtained. Celestia, in turn, just shakes her head, and replies, still continuing her assault at a million miles an hour.

"You would know, Malideus. This is all your fault, after all. You erase fate wherever you touch. The fate that holds this universe together. At this rate, you'll face Ragnek, become unstoppable, and you'll just keep consuming timelines until nothing is left. Everything we'd built. Everyone's memories... gone, like they never happened, and only you left to stand in the ashes. And honestly, Malideus, that makes it a little hard to NOT give it my all, even against someone as pitiful as you." Celestia says, her attacks getting more frantic and more hectic, With Luna still silently backing her up. But despite the increase in difficulty, this is what I wanted. she's getting tired. Now, I need only wait for my chance. Still, though... this conversation is getting a little disheartening...

"What a load of bull, princess. You really think this world's going to vanish if I get past you? Get real. I wouldn't waste one more second here once I killed Ragnek. I'd be off, and you'd still be here, whining about how I chipped one of your nails. That being said... uh... you really like swinging that thing around, don't you?" I say, pushing the conversation away, but like some undead horror, it gets right back up, And Celestia keeps getting faster and faster. I manage to dodge five consecutive swipes in the span of two seconds Before Celestia picks up her talkative spirit and goes at it.

"I don't know WHAT'S going to happen, really. But that's just another reason for me to stop it before it does. If you kill Ragnek, if you take his power, you'll throw the universe into an unbalance that can never be repaired. The basic fiber of this world will be destroyed, and after that... well, who knows? All I know is, After seeing what happens next, I can't afford not to care anymore." Celestia chides me, still keeping her oppressive offense going, and leaving me avoiding strikes at speeds I would never have done without my suit. Even so, after a brief pause, She just keeps talking, though to what purpose I have yet to discern.

"You know... it's almost hilarious, really. At first, I thought you were just someone who needed help. Some good friends, a nice stay, maybe a cheap laugh or two. I thought that, maybe, if I reached out to you, got you to see the good in this world, you'd finally be satisfied, and stop all this mindless destruction and killing... Maybe, you could... have been a friend. But creatures like you... you'll never be satisfied, will you? No matter how many lives you ruin, how many places you conquer, or how many universes you erase. You'll never know when to quit." Celestia says, finally easing her assault, and motioning Luna to do the same, ultimately confusing me. What was going on here? What the Hell were these clowns trying to pull? Before I could ask, though, Celestia began to speak again, neither princess moving to attack me.

"But... that being said... it... seems like neither of us are getting anywhere standing here and wasting energy, are we?" Celestia says, taking a deep breath, and looking at me, her gentle eyes visible behind her leonid visor, staring at me with a compassion I had only ever seen from her once, when I was imprisoned, and she had offered to spare me. In the end, I immediately knew what was coming next, but said nothing as she continued.

"... Look, Malideus... I know, somehow... You don't really want this. Or at least, a part of you doesn't. That part of you... "Chris"... I know it's somewhere inside you, deep, deep down in your being... A glimmer of someone good, and kind, a memory of someone who, at one time, only wanted to do the right thing, no matter what he had to do, or how much it hurt him. Someone who, in another life, might have even been... a friend." Celestia pauses a second, letting her speech sink in. I feel something stir in me, but I ignore it... for now, anyway.
"Mali-... No, Chris. I know that you're in there, somewhere, and if you can hear me, understand me... Lay down your weapons. Let me help you. If you do that... It would certainly make our jobs a lot easier." Celestia said, kindness in her voice, and she held up her arms, beckoning me to lay down my weapons. And for a second, I almost do. That feeling, wriggling in my chest, felt like it was going to burst out like some kind of parasite. I almost give in, I almost reach for my suit's power... but I stop. I'd come too far to just stop now. Too many people depended on my victory. People I built relationships with, people that trusted me with every fiber of their being; Kelias... Mizzietta... Kherrie... Whip... Alignment be damned, I wasn't a quitter. I wanted to, I really did. This whole joyride was fun at first, but now, it's just a hassle. But I... I will see this through. Not because I want to, nor because I HAVE to... but because I can. So, as if in a daze, I pull away from the suit's power... and aim my aether cannon, slowly, as not to attract attention. And once I have the princess in my sights... I fire, shocking both of them.

Celestia moves to dodge the blast, but she honestly expected me to quit, and just wasn't fast enough. But in the heat of the moment, I never saw that her Sister was prepared the whole time for anything, and before I could register it, The blast hits something, and, to my shock and dismay... Luna stands there, having put herself between me and her sister. However, my dismay does not last long, for not long afterward, she begins to wobble, and finally, she falls, leaving just her sister, and me. However, I, like the kindly villain I am, let them have their goodbyes, as Celestia rushes over to Luna, absolute shock and sadness in her voice.

"Luna! No!" Celestia cries, hovering over her fallen sister. However, her air changed from fear to mild relief upon realizing that her sister wasn't dead... yet.

"Luna, You... Oh thank heavens... you're not..." Celestia sighed, almost crying. But Luna coughed once, and looked to her sister, her aura unreadable.

"Cel... Celly, didn't... I say to be... careful..? He... almost killed you..." Luna said, coughing between words. Man, that Aether cannon is some OP shit, huh? Anyway, I continue watching as the two talk, ready to end this fight once and for all.

"L-Luna, I... I'm so sorry... I thought he... He was..." Celestia sputtered, but Luna shushed her sister, and replied, sadness in her voice.

"It... It's fine, sister... I thought he... was going to give up, too. I just... was always faster, you know..?" Luna said, catching my interest. SHE was faster than CELESTIA!? Oh shit, I'm glad it wasn't HER with the spear, though that did explain how she kept getting behind me during the fight... Suddenly, interrupting my thoughts, their little goodbye continues, making it more of a last conversation than a last farewell.

"Lulu... I'm so sorry. If I had been, just a little more vigilant... I could... he'd... I..." Celestia sobs, allowing Luna to reply, holding her hand to her sister's face compassionately.

"You couldn't have helped it, Sister. Malideus just... can't be helped anymore. Besides... I'm not going... not yet. You... you know what must happen now... right?" Luna says, mildly shocking me. Uh oh, I did NOT like where this conversation was going. Suddenly, Celestia nods, as tears finally fall from her helmet's visor.

"I'm sorry, Luna. I'll return it as soon as possible." Celestia says, and at that exact moment, the pieces all clicked together, and my eyes dilated, my hands got sweaty, and my whole body clenched up in preparation for what was about to happen. Finally, Luna nodded and fell still, not dead, but preparing. Celestia then placed her hand on Luna's chestpiece, and I could only wait as a huge surge of power began to fill the room, a pressure unlike any I'd felt before. Then, Luna's armor began to collapse as she diminished, but as I watched, I heard the floor creak and moan as Celestia absorbed her sister's power, and almost instantly, she soon towered over me, at a whopping 15 feet, causing my jaw to drop and my PTSD to kick in again.

"Oh... Shit..." I accidentally said, And Celestia stared down at me, her eyes no longer visible in the darkness of her helmet, and she points at me with her spear, ready to end this.

"Malideus... you miserable scum... I'm going to do what I should have done a year ago... And squash you like the roach you are!" Celestia bellows, her voice shaking the entire room in an epic manner befitting her new size. Even so, despite my unrelenting urge to bail, I figured that this had to be it, their final gambit. I had armor. I had wits. I had magic. She? She had size and a spear, that's it. I could take this broad!

"Bring it on, Gigantor!" I call, utilizing my favored fat joke in an ironic manner, given the situation. But almost immediately afterward, I begin to regret my decision. As soon as I got into position, Celestia was upon me, and so was her massive spear. I narrowly avoid that, but am immediately swatted aside by her lance, now as thick as an oak tree, and I tumble across the floor, almost going out one of the windows. And before I can get up, she's upon me again, and more than ready to skewer me. But luckily for me, I had something she didn't; Jump jets! With a palpable push, I hit the jets with all my might, sending me sliding across the floor belly-down like a penguin, just as Celestia's spear pierces the flooring with a fiery vengeance. Quickly, I stop the jets, halting my sliding, and jump to my feet, ready for her next move. Thankfully, Celestia was still pulling her spear out of the floor, and I had time to take aim with my weapon. As soon as I get my gun up, though, Celestia pulls her spear from the tile, and begins to turn toward me. Thankfully, her girth makes her an easy target, and while She's busy looking for me, I take the shot, landing a direct hit to her chest. Celestia, upon contact with the lethal bolt, staggers, using her spear to keep herself from falling over, but my smile quickly fades as she laughs, getting steady, and prepares her charge, taunting me in her loud, booming voice.

"Heh heh... You're going to have to try a little harder than that, runt." Celestia taunts, and I instinctively roll to the side, just as she charges me at light-speed, destroying the floor I stood on only moments before. But before I can aim again, she gets up, points her lance at me, and launches a ray of solar magic at me, keeping me dodging while she gets ready to skewer me again. But by now, I've learned her pattern, and I'm a step ahead of her, and as soon as she lunges again, I pull my greatest trick yet. As soon as she passes over me as I roll, I activate my jets, and I use them to jump me up to her back, where I latch on using my suit's powerful claws. By that point, she's looking for me, thinking I've vanished.

"Wh-what the..?! Where'd you go!? Stop hiding and face me, you miserable coward!" Celestia says, stomping around, trying to find me, leaving me snickering on her back. Finally, after a while of being jostled around, I finally decide to enact on my plan, and I begin to charge my aether cannon, readying for a short, sweet victory. However, she must have heard or felt me, because as soon as I ready to fire, She reaches behind her, forcing me to let go to avoid getting manhandled again. So I hit the floor and open fire, only to have my shots avoided or blocked by that damn spear of hers.

"You coward, using such cheap tricks! How did I ever trick myself into thinking anything good could be in you? You're nothing but a weak, miserable vagrant!" Celestia bellows, swinging her spear at me, causing me to work to avoid getting swatted by the tower-sized weapon. But still, it seems easier this time, likely because of her anger, or because of her size. Either way, I jump sing after swing, roll under each and every thrust, even manage to parry a particularly weak swipe of her spear. And believe me, the opportunity was not wasted. As she struggled to recover, I practically launched myself at her, toppling her over, and fired my weapon at her chest nonstop for a good five seconds, doing more than my fair share of damage to her. But even so, this massive dyke was just TOO determined, and before I could react, She grabs me, and throws me into another column, destroying it. The suit though, bless Kelias's heart, was undamaged. So, getting up, I press my advantage, and launch everything I had at Celestia. I grappled, punched, kicked, shot and headbutted her too many times to count, made easier by the fact she couldn't reach me half the time. She was so stressed, I could see steam come out of her helmet. It. Was. Glorious.

"Had enough, Celestia? Looks like bigger really ISN'T better after all!" I taunt, further angering the towering Princess of the sun.

"Damn you... DAMN YOU!!! Hold still, you damned pest! I'LL END YOU!!!" Celestia roared, frantically trying to hit me, or catch me, or at least get away from me. But alas, she could do nothing as I whittled her strength away to nothing... that is, until she stood still, hunching herself as if in prayer. I tried to figure out what she was doing, but it quickly dawned on me, and I only managed to escape the subsequent wave of lightning by the skin of my teeth. My suit, however, still felt its effects, and quickly overheated and shut down, leaving me dazed and confused, in a dark, limp shell of armor.

"Ohhhh, that's not good..." I muttered, And soon, I felt the suit jostle as Celestia picked it up, and I heard metal groaning as she stuck her thumbs in the chest cavity, trying to pry it open. But, though great be her efforts, to no avail did she attempt, because Darksteel is too fucking OP, even for her.

"Grrrrr.... Just... get... Why won't this thing open!? WHY CAN'T I KILL YOU!?" Celestia cried, punching the suit, jamming her spear into its joints to pry it open, and even removing her helmet to bite it. But no matter, the suit did not yield, and I couldn't help but feel a little bit smug about it.

"Ha ha, good luck trying, bitch! This thing is made of pure Darksteel! Only way you're getting in is if you could bend physics!" I say, laughing. However, after a moment, Celestia says something that sends pure, unadulterated fear-chills up my spine.

"Hum, Lightning seemed to work pretty good..." Celestia says, and without another word in, I frantically try to power the suit back up, hitting every button available to press, but to no avail. The thing was still too hot, and another shock was going to cause it to activate all vent ports, including the chest. I needed a plan, and fast.

"Uh, hey, let's try and take this moment to calm down real quick. look, I'm sorry I shot your sister. But I didn't kill her, did I?" I ask, trying to worm my way out of this. But, for once, My words couldn't save me this time.

"You tried to shoot ME! After all I'd done, you still tried to kill me! You know what, I want to use your own eloquent language to describe how I feel about your pitiful 'offer', Fuck your offer. Fuck your suit, FUCK your stupid plans, and most importantly..." She continued as she charged her attack, and I could only sweat as I felt the air fill with rage and static electricity. "...And most importantly of all... FUCK... YOU!!!" Celestia shouted, her voice causing the windows to all shatter, and then the loosed a fucking thunderstorm into my suit, causing the weapons and jets to explode, the alarms to blare, and the vents to open, revealing my frail form within, and immediately launching me out of the suit with a blast of hot air, right into Celestia's waiting grip. Now, you know how I hate being manhandled? Well, this just turned my dislike into a God-damned phobia. I tried to struggle, to kick, to do ANYTHING, really, but to no avail. I was done.

"Well, look at this. Look who's the short one NOW, wretched wizard." Celestia said eerily, squeezing me in her hand.

"Gak! hur.... j-just kill me already..!" I wheeze, my lungs no longer able to take in oxygen. But Celestia was fresh out of pity. Instead, she just stared at me, a cold, evil smile etched across her face.

"You think I'm just going to kill you, do you? You have no idea how wrong you are." Celestia says, squeezing tighter as she speaks, and I hear bones creaking. Oh god, this isn't going to end well... "No... I'm going to make you suffer, Malideus. You're going to cry. You're going to break. And then. I'm going to keep on crushing you. Over. And over. And over. And this time, not your friends, not your luck, and not your silly 'Narrator' friend are going to save you. Now get ready, because this is REALLY going to hurt." Celestia says cruelly, and I feel her grip get tighter around me, and while sorely tempted to, I do not scream, or cry, or anything. I already said she'd get nothing from me, and even now, I fucking meant it!

"You... you really are pretty cruel, aren't you... Celestia..? Just... like... me..." I wheeze, attempting to find my breath. However, She immediately loses her smile, and stops squeezing me, allowing me to breath, albeit shallowly and raggedly.

"Like YOU!? You petty little worm, I am NOTHING like you! You've killed! You've destroyed! You almost brought ruin to us, and for what!? I have done nothing to warrant such an insult!" Celestia reasons, more to herself than to me, but I've got her, all I need to do now is break her, and I'm home free.

"Yeah, well... look at this, then. I never tortured. I get it done, and move on. Never has my enemy suffered more than necessary. But look at you, torturing you prisoners, casing them in stone, squeezing them to death in front of God and everybody. In the end, Celestia, it doesn't matter, does it? You're no better than me. And I just proved it." I say, And Celestia seems hesitant at first, but her vigor quickly returns, and I feel the pressure suddenly return, even greater than before.

"You proved nothing. I'm doing this because I have to. I already told you I wouldn't kill you, but I never said I'd be merciful. You brought this on yourself, pushing every possible button until it came to this. Now, you're paying the price. I told you... if you stepped over the line, you were going to have a bad time. Now... Suffer!" Celestia shouts, but as soon as she starts to squeeze, a loud, thundering 'boom' echoes across the room, and finally, the pain stops, because she decided that whatever made that noise was more important than squeezing me to death... and after seeing it myself... well, she was right.

"MALIDEUS!!! COME OUT AND TAKE YOUR CHALLENGE LIKE A... WHERE IS MALIDEUS!? WHO IN THE NAME OF ME ARE YOU!?" The thundering voice, belonging to none other than Khorne himself, Asks, gesturing to Celestia, who looks genuinely shocked and scared.

"... Um, sorry, who in Tartarus are YOU?" Celestia asks, taking up a challenging pose to the Chaos god Khorne, who replies in kind.

"BITCH, I DON'T THINK I STUTTERED, OR ASKED YOUR OPINION. WHERE. IS. MALIDEUS!? HE'S LATE FOR OUR REMATCH!" Khorne bellows, Causing me to try and wriggle out of Celestia's hand. Oh no, I am NOT getting caught like this. Even so, her grip tightens, preventing my escape.

"Sorry, but you're not the first in line to destroy him. Now, if you'd please get out, before I force you out..." Celestia says, and two just stare awkwardly at eachother, making me wish someone would just kill me already.

"FIRST IN LINE!? I'M FUCKING KHORNE! I'M ALWAYS FIRST IN LINE!!! NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY, BEFORE THIS GETS EVEN UGLIER THAN YOU ARE, HORSE FACE!!" Khorne roars, causing Celestia to drop me, turn to him, and grit her teeth. Ohshitniggerwhatareyoudoing.jpg.

"You really want to go, don't you?" Celestia asks unusually quietly, dropping me from her hand. But I don't run. Instead, my body freezes, and forces me to see this ungodly spectacle play out.

"BRING IT ON, SEMEN DEMON! I'LL FUCK YOU 'TILL YOU LOVE ME, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!!!" Khorne roars, trying to tower over Celestia, and the two stand off, almost comically, with me just watching.

Oh boy, this was going to be a fucking BLAST.

Author's Note

Here we are, Another short chapter, just because. Yes, I know Celestia sounds like Sans, but I've just been REALLY into Undertale, okay? Please don't hate me because I'm trash.

Anyway, this is just one part of many, just to get your appetite up again. Don't worry, the next chapter will be better, I promise. More death! More violence! More pop culture references! Until next time, Heathens!

35: Kanden's last ride

Author's Note

Oh boy, I'm gonna get so much flak for this...

Sorry about the wait, folks, but life tends to not wait for people, y'know? Egh, at least this got wrapped up. In all honesty, though, now that this is done, all the loose ends are tied up and I can get on with the story, the REAL story. Anyway, sorry again for the wait, the next chapter won't take so long, swear on me mum, m8.

Later, heathens.

35: Kanden's last ride

Well, it seems that I've found Kanden, let's see what he's up to...

I stood in the ruined cloud city alone, save for my unexpected companion, the devil named Schlosh, surveying any possible escape routes I could use. The city, for all intents and purposes, was destroyed, laid into complete waste, well, as badly as one can expect of cities made of water vapor. (Seriously, how the hell does a cloud CATCH FIRE!?). However, despite the damage, The devils still fought off the pegasi as best they could, their lack of restraint matched by the Pegasi's own courageous bravado, and while they were amusing to watch, they left me with few places to run, as I couldn't risk capture by either side, not while I was so close to finally getting out of this. Ehh... at least the devil I was escorting was being quiet. So, with a few routes in mind, I beckoned the Devil behind me to follow, and began heading off about southwest, seeing as the enemy activity there had been mitigated. However, as I walk, I can't seem to shake a bad feeling, like I'm being followed. It keeps getting to me, and I keep darting my eyes to see if I'm being followed. To no avail, though, unsurprisingly.

I keep walking through the cloud-rubble, at least a mile in or so, when out of nowhere, the devil behind me decides to strike up conversation with me. Not that I minded, anyway; I could use the noise.

"Uh... Hey, so... about back at the factory..." The devil begins, and without waiting, I reply.

"It's not worth mentioning, pal. I just need to keep you safe, so you can thank me once we're out of this." I say, rather coldly at that, definitely not to my intentions. But still, the Devil talks on.

"N-nah, I think it is. And you do have my thanks. But that's not what I wanted to talk about." The devil says, earning a shocked look from me, and he continues, eyeing me warily the whole time. "Nah, I gotta know somethin' about you. What exactly ARE you, and why are you rescuing me? Shouldn't the other devils be doing that?" Schlosh asks, and I pause, still keeping my quick pace to the edge of this ruined city. I had an answer, but I wasn't sure how to relay it. If I said I was looking for Malideus, how would he react? Like the others? Would he trust me after that? I thought for a second, but ultimately decided to risk it. It's not like his loss was any threat to me.

"The other devils aren't coming, devil. They assigned me as your escort, and that's what I intend to do." I say simply, trying to avoid mention of Malideus.

"Okay, and I'm not gonna argue your protection. But, eh... who are you, though? I didn't hear any talk about cyborg bounty hunters in the usual chatter." Schlosh says, giving me a thought. Bounty hunter, eh? I liked the ring of it. Maybe after all this, if I survive, I might go into that. I seem capable enough. However, I still have a job to do here, and an answer to give. So I put such thoughts aside, and focus on my tasks at hand.

"Mmm... The name's Kanden. And I honestly have no idea what I am, to be honest." I reply, and at that, Schlosh seems satisfied.

"Huh. So no one sent you here, huh?" Schlosh asks, and I shake my head.

"Nope."

At this, Schlosh looks at me funny for a second, but whatever he was thinking before, he seemed to have resolved it.

"Well, I won't get uppity about free protection. Whatever your endgame is, I'm sure it's worth it." Schlosh says, causing me to stare into space for a little bit.

"...Yeah..." I say aloud, thinking on just what my goal was. I wanted to find Malideus, and find out who I was. But... what if I didn't like the answer? What if my past identity was really bad, or just not worth remembering?...

... Well, then I'd just deal with it. Whoever that person was, they're gone. I'm Kanden now. And, honestly, I'm fine with that. Still, wouldn't hurt to know, right?

"Alright, we're almost to the edge of the city. How do we get down?" Schlosh asks me, and I don't reply. Instead, I just unfurl my new wings, giving him his answer as bluntly as possible.

"... Yeah, that'll work." the devil says, eying the metallic appendages in an awe-struck manner. Finally, we reach the edge of the massive cloud with almost no incident, and begin looking over the edge, to better view our destination: the ground.

"... Alright, what now?" Schlosh asks, and I feel compelled to answer, until, lo and behold, an incident. Specifically, one in the form of a sudden group of winged ponies, much to my chagrin. Even worse, one looked familiar.

"Stop right there, you two! You aren't going anywhere." The leader shouts, pointing her sword at us, and I recognize her immediately; the old warmare that Schorl tried to take out. And if she's here, that means he failed. And that made me just a little more upset than usual.

"You... So you got away, huh?" I almost growled, a killing desire boiling in my gut as a noticed several fresh wounds on the grizzled Pegasus. Clearly, hers was not a clean getaway.

"You've run far, monster, but you've no more help, and I have plenty. Now give us the devil, and you might get a fair trial." The warmare demanded, but I already had a plan, bad as it was. I don't know what the deal with this devil was, but if he was important enough for the ponies to go to all this trouble over, then they sure as hell weren't getting him from me. So, prepping my gut, I readied my new wings, and prepared for my stupidest life decision yet, with an old familiar feeling in my guts, like something, or someone, was trying to break out.

"No. This is over, nag. I'm going to finish what Schorl started and end you myself, right here." I said, trying to anger that gut feeling I was having. The plan was close, I just had to fight her now...

"You won't win this time, demon! I will see to it that you are beheaded on the spot!" The leader threatened, and in turn, I laughed, shocking everyone.

"Hm. Get in line." I say, readying my wrist-cannon. Suddenly, as I was about to lunge, a sharp pain surged forth, and I braced myself, anticipating this. However, I kept the feeling in, knowing it had to wait, just until I could be sure nothing got in the way. Finally, we came to blows. The warmare, in all her bravado, charged me first, sword aimed at my vulnerable head. But I was ready, and despite the horrid churning in my suit's gut, I parried the blow quickly, and introduced the pegasus' face with my fist, and sent her roiling in the other direction, only to be caught by one of her troops. Not long after, the whole group descended on me, and keeping Schlosh behind me, I readied my fists, and parried the blows as they came, though most of them simply bounced harmlessly off my suit's armor, and left them open for retaliation. Amidst the blocking and dodging, I struck at those I could, sending them flying away from me, and kept those still up from getting to the devil I escorted. Using my metallic wings as makeshift weapons, I managed to cut down several soldiers at once, keeping the others from getting on me to weigh me down.

I felt the urge to vomit rising the whole time, spurred on by the slaughter of the soldiers, but I kept it in, just until I could get rid of these annoying ponies. Suddenly, the surge of warriors began again, and I was forced on the defensive once more, Parrying careless swings, punishing them, and cutting down knights left and right with my blade-like wings. But despite my efforts, the swarm did not die down, and I continued my defensive as long as I could muster, using every opening available to me. Searching, I quickly found one soldier reeling back from striking my plated chest, and using the moment of recoil to my advantage, I grabbed the knight by her leg, and swung her about as a makeshift club to buy me some breathing room. Suddenly, just as quickly as it surged, the crowed receded in recoil of this, allowing me to discard the dizzy soldier. The sudden retreat did me some time, but left the surging urge to evacuate my bowels even worse off than before. Man, am I determined, or what? And on top of that, the horde got ever tighter around me, being given the opportunity to regroup. THis was bad. I was outnumbered, not ready, and I needed to act, and fast. So I braced myself, and readied my cannon, aiming at the mass of soldiers, ready to end this as quickly as possible. However, they quickly saw this movement as a threat, and charged me all at once in one final, desperate push to kill me. I had no time, and no other option; with one muscular flex, I released the charged bolt from my wrist, point-blank, into the faces of a wall of troops. I braced myself as the bolt struck, getting between me and the devil to mitigate my losses.

Instantly, the first row were vaporized by the blast, reduced to a green-and-pink mist in a fraction of a second, and the rest were thrown backwards, bloody chunks of the next three rows of soldiers splattering onto the remaining five rows, now on their backs, dazed and traumatized by the event that just occurred. Several screamed as chunks of comrade fell upon them like a foul storm. Several vomited, several just lay there, unable to cope with what was happening. And among those who heaved their guts, I was, finally, among them. It was time. Bracing myself, I turned back to Schlosh, and to his surprise, I opened my eldritch chest up, and as if on queue, out came a massive surge of slime and glowing bits. And to his horror, among the slime was a young pegusus, just like I'd planned.

"W-w-what t-the hell!?!..." Schlosh stammered, unable to grasp what was happening, but I knew. I had it figured from the beginning. And now, he and I both had our escape. Suddenly, the slime-drenched Pegasus twitched, and attempted to get up, groaning in pain as she did.

"Uuuuhhhhnnnn..." The downed soldier moaned, finally getting up. Quickly, I grabbed her neck, resulting in a sharp gasp from her, and picked up Schlosh in turn, to his shock, and forced him onto the mare's back.

"Woah woah, what the hell are you doing!?" Schlosh asked, but I replied instantly, almost cutting him off.

"Not now! You want off, this is your ride! GET DOWN THERE!" I exclaimed, and before Schlosh or the regurgitated pegusus could protest, I shoved them both off the edge of the city, sending them plummeting to the ground. Now, I was free of two things: That horrible nausea, and Schlosh. If my calculations were right, either the young Pegasus would glide them both down, or would break Schlosh's fall if they DID hit the ground hard. Either way, he was safe. Now, I just had to get out of here, and lure the ponies away. Weirdly enough, I still had my wings with me, so I at least had a back-up plan if they managed to catch up with me. But now, I just had to run. And so, run I did. However, though I ran, I could not escape that feeling, like someone was leering at me from right behind me. However, despite that, soon enough, I had one last, more pressing matter to deal with, now blocking my path.

"Stop... right... there." The old Pegasus general. I should have guessed she'd make it out.

"Ah... you again." I muttered, to tired to deal with any more monologues again. In response, she raised her sword, pointing it at me, deciding to spare me her lectures.

"You've caused nothing but trouble for me, demon. I'm not going back in good standing, but I'll be damned if I go back without your head as a trophy!" The old mare said, circling me for an opening, and in a gesture of good faith, I replied.

"Hmph. You seem pretty fuckin' determined to kill me, don't you. Well, that's fine, then." I say, readying my fists for our last ever encounter, wherein only one of us was walking out of here alive. "Right, let's end this." I say, and without another word, we charge eachother, braced for impact. Blow met with blow, blade versus arm, and in the end, though I outweighed and out-sized her, she was just too agile for her age. The war-scarred pony met me blow for blow, and dodged any fatal ones I threw. She knew my style well, and that left me without a chance to hit as long as she stayed moving. But unlike her, I had an advantage: She grew tired with each swing, and each dodge, and each parry, but I did not. My robotic suit had the advantage of being able to keep going, and to wear her down with my every move. I just had to outlast her. And judging by her shorter movements and deeper breaths, that wasn't going to be much longer. Silently, we kept eye contact as our deadly dance continued, my every swing, kick, and body thrust whittling her stamina away more and more each second, and all I had to do was keep my head down.

Suddenly, the nag swung her blade overhead as I mused internally, and I barely had time to block it, but I managed. However, though my real body was safe, it turned out that her swing was a feign, and she quickly slammed into me as I left myself open for attack. However, I still outweighed her greatly, and in a second, both of us were locked in a brutal shoving match with eachother, fists interlocked, each trying to overpower the other, and I was winning. Slowly, sweat covered her face as her hooves dug into the cloud beneath them and her teeth gritted as she pushed back with all her might, but it was too late for her. Her back began to arch as I asserted my full weight over her, pushing her into the cloud, which cratered in response to the intense fight occurring upon it. The mare was at a loss, I knew it. She lost the minute she tried to match strength with me, in a desperate bid to save face. And soon, I heard joints creak in response to the intense physical pressure I was exerting, and heard whimpers as the knowledge of her imminent demise settled upon her like a blanket of fear. Still, though she stood, defiant to the end, leaving me with a slight sense of admiration for this soldier's resolve and toughness.

"Hrgh... give up yet?" I grunted, feigning the illusion of tiring out. Still, the Old nag locked eyes with me, and smiled, a pained one, but a genuine one nonetheless.

"No... As long as I'm alive, and as long as I can carry... a sword... I... won't... give an INCH!" The soldier strained to reply as I exerted my strength onto her, and I'll be honest; I was surprised. Most who see me give up immediately upon witnessing my raw strength. But this one did not cave, not even a bit. Admirable, indeed... but ultimately, fatal. Finally, I tired of playing around, and released my restraints, and began to unleash the full extent of my pressure upon her, causing double the strain to her already-caving body.

Hm. Then so be it." I reply, flexing my suit's muscles as I bear down on the soldier, and with a grunt, Her legs go down, unable to bear the pressure. Despite this, she kept gritting her teeth in a poor, strained grin. And through those gritted teeth, she replied, and what she said almost made me falter. Almost.

"You... Think you've won..? No... You won't... succeed... You won't... break me..! Your... master will... fail... our people... our kingdom... will... live... on..." She struggled with the last of her might to stay standing, but finally, a sharp snap rang out across the barren field, and the soldier, at long last, fell limp in my arms, her spine severed in two, the life gone from her eyes. Sighing a breath of relief, and a little guilt, I discarded the dead soldier, and walked onwards, officially drained and tired. At last... my job was over. I trudged on, uncaring of where I was going, or what was to happen next. However, that question soon answered itself as I felt a presence manifest behind me, a dark, borderline evil presence that reeked of indifference. I turned, if only to humor the apparition, and was mildly surprised at what I saw: Behind me stood a tall, black, humanoid figure, who struck me as oddly familiar, though I was sure I'd never seen him before. Finally, after a quick scan, the figure spoke to me, his voice deep, but gentle.

"Here you are, Jarvis. I was beginning to worry about you." The figure spoke, catching me off-guard, but only for a moment. Like I said, a was just too tired to deal with this today.

"Jarvis..? Who the hell is Jarvis? I think you have the wrong guy, friend. Name's Kanden." I say, about to turn around, when the figure speaks again, sounding just a little saddened by my reply.

"Hmm... You don't remember, do you..? A shame. I knew leaving you here would be a bad idea. Especially after you attacked your own brother..." The being said, shaking its head sadly. Suddenly, a bad feeling crept up my spine, and I turned around, feeling oddly prepared to fight.

"Umm... I have no Idea who you are or what you're talking about. Now, I have to find this Malideus guy, and if you're opting to get in my way, Then I'm going to treat you like everyone else that has." I say, puffing up the suit's chest, to hopefully intimidate the guy into backing away. But, unsurprisingly, he does not. In fact, he strides forward, an air of confidence about him.

"Oh, Jarvis, do not threaten me. You are not ready to challenge me. You are coming home, and that is final." The mechanical entity says, like a father scorning his child. However, I do not back down.

"Yeah, like hell I am." I say, and with a grunt, I throw my wrist forward, charge a shot, and release it, right into the figure's masked face. The charged shot explodes, but to my shock, the dark figure is gone, not a trace of it left. That is, until a hand grips me from behind, and turns me to face its owner. He just appeared behind me, and could kill me in a moment. But, thankfully, he did not. Though I towered over him, the shadowy person still intimidated me more than he should've, and wasn't really in a fighting mood anymore. So, I try to get away, but he easily catches up with me, no matter how fast I backpedal.

"This is going nowhere, Jarvis. Just give up and return with me. I can fix you..." The entity says, extending a hand to me, and for a moment, I feel compelled to take it, but I fight off the urge. Still, the figure continues.

"... Wouldn't you like to remember, Jarvis?" The shadow asks, and I stop, curious, no longer willing to fight anyway.

"... What do you mean? What are you on about?" I ask, curious, but still defensive. Finally, the guy replies, extending his hand once more.

"You want answers, Jarvis. I have them. Please... let me remind you." He says. I want to say no, to run, to fight, but... this was the closest I would ever get to some kind of closure. How... how could I say no?

"... And you'll tell me everything if I do?" I ask, still wary, but still willing to believe this guy. Better than staying here, anyway. Immediately, the mechanical humanoid nods his head, reassuringly.

"Everything you want to know, and more." he says, and, after a moment, I hesitantly reach for his hand, grasp it, and shake it, sealing my fate, whatever that may be.

"... Right, then. Lead on. I say, and like that, a feelin of complete emptiness washes over me, and I hear only these last words...

"With pleasure. Your brothers will be overjoyed to see you again."

Ch.1: One hell of a party

Hello, My name's Chris, not like anyone cares anymore. I'm trapped in this bloody place under the moniker "Malideus", all thanks to that fucking party. It seems pretty outlandish, but I'm seen as some kind of threat to these god-forsaken ponies. I don't even know what they are, but I just call them that because that's what they call themselves. I hate it here, but I guess I'm stuck until I force a way away from here out of someone, where ever "here" is. I guess I should start from the top, since this is more like another story. Here, Let's begin:

Lights. Music. Dancing. All my senses were filled with noise and light, and I was really enjoying it. I had just turned 18 last week, and my friends said they'd invite me to a party, but they somehow turned it into a rave. I guess metal does that to people. Either way, I was having a blast, and nothing was going to ruin this party. Plus, it was a costume party, and I went as a sorcerer of some kind. It was cool; I had a full helmet that covered my entire head and face, an awesome robe that I found while going Halloween shopping last year, and clawed gauntlets that had sharp fingers at least five inches long. In short, I looked awesome. Everyone said so, anyway. Anyways, enough about my ensemble, back to the main topic: The party.

I could go on for days about how awesome it was, except that there were at least ten people in retarded-as-all-fuck My Little Pony costumes, which really dampened my partying spirit, on account that there are but two things I absolutely find loathsome in this world: My Little Pony, and the fags that worship it. It's okay for girls to like it, in my mind, but really, guys? Have some fucking male pride, you jerks! Anyway, back to the story: So, I was just dancing, trying to enjoy the music, when I start to feel a bit weird. I figure that it's normal, considering I had at least two glasses of vodka, and it was bound to catch up to me eventually. So I party on, completely oblivious to this sinking feeling, like a really bad elevator ride, but going sideways, like that crazy elevator from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The newer one, I mean. Moving on, there was this feeling, and it wouldn't go away, so I walk around for a bit, clutching my head. Suddenly, this Brony, god forbid it should be anyone else, walks up to me and offers me another glass of alcohol. Under normal circumstances, I would have politely told him to take his beer and shove it up his horse-loving ass, but I was both drunk and had that horrible feeling in my head and guts, so I took it, and I'll never know exactly why. Anyway, on with the story.

I take the drink, and walk around for a bit, feeling just fine. However, around 3:45 am, that god-damned sinking feeling comes back with a bloody vengeance, and I try to fight it off, but it just keeps getting worse, and I stumble out of the house the party was in. I try to vomit, but nothing comes out. I try to walk it out, but my legs keep getting weaker. Finally, I see this really bright, colorful flash of light, and I finally pass out.

It seems like hours before I wake up, and I wake up in a field, under an apple tree, and still in costume.

"Weird..." I think, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm nowhere I remember. Not the party, not my house, just this farm in the middle of nowhere. The place looks so peaceful and idyllic, so I just sit there, thinking of what I should do.

"You're likely miles from home, with no way to get back. I'm sure you've just been reported a missing person, and the police probably aren't even looking for you. Ugh... Sometimes I hate my life." I said to myself. After the quick rest, I get up, and pick up my staff, which was part of my costume. Figuring I might need it later, like if I have to hike up a mountain or something, I take it with me as I go away from the farm, figuring that I don't need to bother it's inhabitants. Besides, I doubted that they'd be of much help anyway; they didn't look like the type of folk who'd have a phone, or even a telegraph. So I walk on, in a random direction. I think that if I keep walking, I'll either find a road, or die from exhaustion. Well, I don't really get very far before I'm exhausted, and feeling like resorting to plan B: dying. I don't have a very good job, and not many friends, so I figure I won't be missed. Besides, I'm not scared of dying...too much. Yet I trudge on, sweltering in my robes, and feeling like the only thing keeping me alive is the shade from my helmet. Nonetheless, I'm half-dead, thirsty (for water, not booze), and starving. But I walk on. Suddenly, though, the grace of god shines through, and I see a railroad track.

"Yes! Railroads mean trains, and trains lead to civilization!" I think aloud. So I continue my journey with renewed vigor, and get to a point where I see a village.

"A village? First a farm, now a village? What, did I somehow go back in time?" I ask, obviously frustrated. Believe me, it was about to get worse. So I walk down this railroad for a while, toward the village, but I get this sinking suspicion that I shouldn't go there. I acknowledged this feeling, but I have to ignore it. However, I hear heavy rumbling behind me, and I look behind me. Sure enough, I hear a whistle, like that of a really old-fashioned train, and I see this hideous, purple, tiny train chugging along down the rails. Without thinking, I jump out of the way as it speeds by, chugging merrily down the tracks. I'm disgusted by the horrid thing, but for two reasons: One, it hurt my pride to even look at it, and Two, it looked incredibly familiar, like a bad but distant memory. I distantly recalled one of my friends making me watch an entire season of My Little Pony (and barely surviving the ordeal) when I saw that train, and then I put the pieces together with great horror and disgust: It was the very same train from that thrice-damned show!

"No... No, this can NOT be real, in any way! I'm probably just hallucinating." I said to try and comfort myself, but evidence piled up against my theory: Why would I hallucinate about this horrible show, of all things?

"Maybe it's some kind of horrible, twisted nightmare." A voice within me reasoned. This seemed likely, so I pinched myself to check if I was conscious. I was, unfortunately. That hope dashed, my inner voice reasoned one last theory:

"Maybe we landed in some kind of town that worships the show?" My inner voice asked more than theorized. I was inclined to dash that thought, as I would have heard of something like that happening, but I chose to remain open to that idea for one reason: I was not about to believe I magically teleported to a child's show. Thinking that to be the case, I walked to the village, as much as I REALLY didn't want to, to see if I couldn't find a phone I could bear to hold to my face, and call someone I could stand to talk to. As I walked down, I started seeing people in the streets, but something was... off, for lack of a better word. Something about their heads was odd, but I figured that everyone was just in costume, and I highly considered turning back and taking my chances with the unforgiving wilderness. However, my laziness got the better of me, and I continued my questionable route. As I approached the edge of the village, everyone in the area looked at me like I had grown a second head. I noticed their "costumes", and I was already put in too bad a mood to put up with their shit, mostly on account of how damn detailed they were. Why, I could practically see the fear on their faces as they stared at me.

"What the fuck are you freaks looking at?!" I demanded, sending everyone running for their lives. I'll admit it, I might have overreacted, but my costume wasn't that terrifying. In fact, it was supposed to be more cool than scary. But alas, my refusal to accept the only other remaining theory was too great, but I was going to find out why they ran later. In the meantime, I merely walked through the town, as people shut their blinds and locked their doors. I'll admit, though I despised these people, I felt pretty good about myself as I watched the freaks cower from me. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I felt pretty powerful, like I could make this town into rubble if I so chose. However, my fun was cut short when someone behind me called out:

"Hey, you! Can I help you with something, or at least know why you're terrorizing these poor citizens?" I turned to the source of the voice, and recognized the freak on first sight: It appeared to be none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle, but anthro.

"Nice costume, you freak. Now go away, I'm trying to get out of this dumb town." I said, unaware of the reality of the situation.

"Costume?! I'l have you know that this crown is the real deal, pal! Who are you, anyway?" The purple creature asked aggressively. I just laughed.

"Real? Let me guess, you think you're "Twilight Sparkle", don't you? You gonna use some "friendship" on me? Ooh, scary." I mocked. Not my best move, but I thought nothing of it at the time. However, I began to have my suspicions when her face started to turn red, and her face turned into one hell of a grimace.

"Don't taunt me! It seems you know who I am, but you don't seem to understand your situation. Tell me who you are, or I'll have to incapacitate you." Princess Twilight demanded. I began to have too many suspicions about this place, but I heeded none of them, and I was still in a pretty pissy mood. So, I responded as aggressively (and foolishly) as possible, and walked up to the odd creature that called itself Twilight.

"You think you're pretty powerful, huh? You got magic, do you? Then why don't you poof your way out of this!" I shouted.

I then pimp-slapped the interloper across the face, sending her sprawling to the ground, clutching her face. It was then I realized two things: One, my gauntlets were now real metal, whereas before they were just plastic, and two, the "person" I just slapped was now bleeding. And not, lightly, but really badly. This meant only two things: One, I was, indeed, teleported to a little girl's show, albeit a screwed-up version, and Two, I just royally fucked up. The second realization was brought to further light when the Purple Princess got up, an indescribable look of sheer hatred and rage on her face.

"I don't think you know how much trouble you're in, sir..." Twilight said menacingly.

I gulped quietly. However, I stood strong. I don't know why, but I felt that I could bluff my way out of this, since I could bluff my way out of anything. Plus, this full helmet blocked my face, so she couldn't tell if I was lying or not. Besides, I was in a little girl show, so why not have some fun with the hapless inhabitants? Deciding my course of action, I cleared my throat, and began in my evillest voice, perfected from years of being Dungeon Master in every game of D&D. (yeah, I'm a nerd, but you're probably a brony, so you can't judge me, freak.)

"Poor, foolish, little mortal... You think it is I who is in any danger? Such naivete... you will make an excellent slave." I said as deeply and evilly as I could. Apparently it was good enough, because Twilight seemed to be cowed by this for a second. However, her face soon turned to one of great determination.

"Who do think you are? You think you can just hit me and get away with it? Just who are you? Answer me, now!" Twilight demanded, and I laughed menacingly in response.

"I? I go by many names, as I have traveled many universes, and felled peasants more powerful and skilled than you, worm. As for my name, you may call me... Malideus." I responded, coining the name off the top of my head. It sounded menacing enough, might as well roll with it, right?

"Well, Malideus, this universe be your last! I'm going to beat you back to wherever you came from!" Twilight shouted, her horn lighting up. At that point, I figured it was time to put up or shut up... forever. Thinking fast, I suddenly remembered where I was: a cartoon. If my gauntlet was metal now, imagine what else changed! Searching my pockets, I found just what I was looking for: Pocket sand!

"Any last words, demon?" Twilight asked, ready to annihilate me.

"Just two, pest." I said in my bad-guy voice.

"What?" She asked. Suddenly, I swept my hands out of my pockets, and flung the granular contents of said pocket at Twilight's eyes, and Shouted at the top of my lungs:

"Pocket Sand!" I yelled as my attack struck home, causing Twilight to scream in pain as she put her hands to her eyes in an effort to remove the sand from them. As Twilight fell to the ground, in tears due to the sand, I made my escape. I ran in the opposite direction as fast as I could, dodging through crowds, or just plowing through them, and dodging between buildings in an effort to lose the princess who was now out for my blood. As I ran past what appeared to be a cupcake shop or something, however, I slammed into another anthropomorphic pony. I didn't see her, but I definitely flipped over her, and we both ended up on our backs. As I got up, I looked around to see who I'd just rammed into, but I saw no one. Until, that is, a pink, furry hand shoved itself in my face, as if wanting me to take it. As I looked up, I saw the last thing I wanted to ever see: She was happy, fuzzy, bouncy, and pink, wearing a light blue tutu, a colorful, poofy shirt, and a similarly colored bow in her hair. The pony I was seeing right now was none other than Pinkie Pie, the most hated on my list of disgusting characters, which was saying something.

"Hya, Friend! Here, let me help you up!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

Angry and confused, I shoved the hand away from my face, and got up, continuing my sprint away from the damnable town. However, Pinkie inexplicably popped up right in front of me, causing me to skid to a halt. Unfortunately, she was too close in front of me, and I ended up slamming into her. This time, though, only I fell down. She then crouched down and tried to make conversation:

"Where's the fire, friend? Are you in a hurry? Ooh, Are you new here!? I've never seen you around before! I need to throw you a party, ASAP! We need cake, confetti, Hey, are you even listening?" The pink nuisance ranted, causing me to clutch my head in pain, except I couldn't reach through my helmet. After getting up, I bolted away from the blubbering pink pest, only to find that she was running right along beside me... Backwards!

"Why are you running? Don't you like parties? Why don't you talk? Are you shy?" She asked. Finally, I had enough. I stopped, turned to her, and loosed my fury:

"NO!!! I'm not shy, I don't like parties, and I don't want to talk to you, or be your friend, or have anything to do with you, you psychotic, autistic, broken-skulled half-wit!!! NOW GET LOST, BEFORE I TEAR YOU A FUNCTIONAL NEW ASSHOLE!!!!!" I screamed as loudly as I could, causing her mane to fly back, then fall flat over her eyes, which were now filling with tears. Then, she started to whimper.

"Oh, god... Don't you start!" I demanded, but to no avail. When she got to the part where she cried, I just walked off. I didn't care about her feelings, and I'm sure that came to bite me in the ass later, but for now, I had to get out of that place. I ran as fast as I could, oblivious to everything around me, until I reached the edge of town. However, a sudden force field blocked my way, and I fell flat on my ass. I then looked behind me to see who was responsible for the outrage... and I immediately wished I hadn't. A familiar purple shape hit the ground behind me, a look of satisfaction on her face. Her eyes looked a bit red, But that was probably from the sand I threw in them.

"I have you now, Malideus! Now, face your sentence like a stallion!" She said, readying a spell. However, I wasn't ready to die any time soon, so I got up, and swished my robe for dramatic effect.

"You can't defeat me, Princess! I'm more than you think I am!" I said, hoping the puzzling sentence would confuse her. However, it did not.

"That may be, but I am the princess here, and you will submit, willingly or not! Now, get on your knees so that I can turn you to stone for a few thousand years." Twilight replied. That option was infinitely worse than death, so I thought of my own way out:

"Okay, Princess, you have me. I will submit willingly, but you must answer me one riddle! Answer correctly, and I shall submit peacefully." I said, and Twilight seemed to ponder this. Finally, she agreed.

"Alright, one riddle. Then you will be arrested." Twilight said, crossing her arms. I smiled as I slowly pulled a smoke bomb from my left pocket, then asked my riddle:

"You are about to be executed. The judge, who is also the executioner, gives you a choice: "If you tell me the truth, I will slay you with a sword. If you tell a lie, however, I will slay you with a spear. What do you say to stay alive?" I asked, and Twilight, pondered this.

"Eh... Hmm... Spear for a lie, sword for the truth... how to answer..." She mumbled, and I stood there, growing more and more bored as I did. Finally, she seemed struck with inspiration, and answered:

"You say "You will slay me with a spear"!" Twilight answered enthusiastically. I just laughed as I thought of her face as I dashed her hopes.

"That is the correct answer, but not the one I was looking for, I'm afraid." I said, and she looked as though I had just slapped her across the face again.

"What?! Then what was the answer you wanted?" She asked, dumbfounded. I just laughed again.

"My answer was: You don't say anything; you escape!" I said, throwing the smoke bomb at the ground.

As smoke exploded everywhere, Twilight reeled back in shock, covering her face in an effort to protect it, and I ran, getting out of sight within seconds, but not out of hearing range, as I could hear Twilight crying out in frustration that I had just duped her, not once, but twice! However, I wasn't enjoying my victory, for I knew she was going to pull something big soon, and I was going to need more than sand and smoke bombs to worm my way out of our next encounter: I needed magic. Unfortunately, I had none. However, I was able to remember something from one episode of the dumb-as-fuck show I was forced to watch thanks to a questionable friend of mine: An Amulet that had serious magic in it. What was it now, the Unicorn necklace? No... Alicorn Amulet, I think. Yes, that had to be it. Anyway, I knew then and there that I needed that amulet. But first, I need a place to stay. However, I was now in a world I would rather die than be a part of, but the death part was going to be a guarantee if I didn't find shelter. I removed my helmet, then realized where I was: I was lost in a forest, thanks to my careless thinking.

"God DAMMIT!!! I hate this place!!!" I shouted as I kicked a tree. Deciding to vent later, I turned around to get out of the forest, but heard a growl from some bushes. Putting my helmet back on, I ran deeper into the forest like an idiot, desperately trying to escape the growling, which was increasing in volume. Soon, though, I stumbled upon my salvation: A ruins, like that of an old castle. It was run-down and destroyed, but it was shelter. Running into the ruins, I realized that the growling had stopped, and I sat down, and thought of my current situation: I was lost, with no food, and miles from any civilization. If I was going to survive and retain my sanity, I needed to think, and so I thought. I thought long and hard, but I soon fell asleep. I guess it was no surprise, considering my ordeal, but the weird part was that I wasn't feeling anything about any of this. I just acted, like it was no big deal. Oh well, I suppose. I guess it's a good thing. I just hoped that no one else found me. Unfortunately, someone did, or rather, something.

Ch.5: I need an adult! Oh, wait, I am an adult.

So, I have been sitting on that train for hours, so I decided to think on some things while I waited. I had no plan so far, but did I need one? All I really needed was an artifact without some unexplained weakness, and I was set to burn this pretty little world. However, didn't I want to go back to my world? Well, no. In my world, I was just an average Joe, and I doubted my magic would follow me if I went back. So, I decided to just stay here, maybe find a way to merge this world with my old one, so I could at least keep my powers, hell, maybe even take over both worlds. After my thought session, The train comes to a stop and, as expected, everyone crowds off the train, and I get off last, seeing no need to rush.

However, I still feel a bit in a bind, because all my magic is gone. But I still have something: the gem from the Alicorn Amulet. I feel like it could still be very useful, but I need something to attach it to. However, I noticed no metalworkers in this little town, and I barely passed welding in high school, so me forging myself an amulet was a definite no-go. So what's a man to do? Then, I realized something: a staff could be just as useful! But where to get one that would work? Surely there was some kind of magic shop around here. So, I looked around, feeling no need to hide, what, with me beating the ever-loving crap out of the Mane Six. Needless to say, it was the most disappointing searches I've ever led. I mean, all the signs didn't really say anything, they just had pictures and symbols! Seriously, why all the secrecy and whatnot? Just put it all out there, I say! no more symbols, no more initiations! Anyway, rant aside, I continue the search for some kind of staff shop, but I find none. However, I do know one, eh, "person", I suppose, that might be able to help, though I'd prefer not to be around her again. Nothing personal, it's just that she's WAAAAY too into me, and I don't want that to become a problem. Nevertheless, I see no other option: I have to see Mizzietta. If anyone could find another powerful artifact for me, it was her. After all, she was a collector. Nonetheless, I have to make my way back to the forest where we met, and find her lair... again. Still, whining wasn't going to bring her lair to me, so I started walking. However, as I'm walking, I see a familiar pink figure ahead: Pinkie Pie, that bouncing nuisance. I'm tempted to find another route, but there are no others. I have to get to the forest, so I put on a brave face (not that anyone could tell), and walk the same direction, trying to ignore her. Thankfully, I walk past her unhindered. However, someone puts a hand to my shoulder, and turns me around to look at them. Surprise, surprise, It's Applejack.

"Ah knew it had to be you! You got a lot o' nerve, showin' up back here!" Applejack threatened. I, however, pay her no mind.

"I suppose I do. You, however, must have more for putting your filthy appendages on me." I say in my evillest voice. However, the orange pony just scoffed.

"Don't you try an' act tough with me. Twi told us all about how she broke yer little necklace. Now that yer powerless, What's gonna stop me from takin' you to th' guards right now?" She asked, more rhetorically than actually. I responded anyway, 'cuz I'm a badass like that:

"I suppose nothing. Well, except maybe this." I say, then I kick her in the stomach, causing her to stumble backwards. Before she can retaliate, I then grab her ponytail, yank it down, so she has to face upward, and I kick her back, sending her into the ground pretty fast, and assuring that she stays there. It wasn't hard, I've fought hooligans like her before, and won. The trick is to get behind them, and that was it for them. This redneck was no different, hell, maybe easier. Anyway, that's the second time I've fought her and won, but I have to wonder: What of her friends? Applejack was easy, but would her friends be easy to take out? I doubted it, so I kept walking along, hoping none of the others came to her aid. I may be acting like a badass, but I'm only good at fighting muscle-headed oafs, not opponents with actual talent.

"Ugh, I hate ponies." I say as I continue on. Anyway, I get my wish, and no one else confronts me, and I make it out of town with relative ease. Unfortunately, I'm already dead tired by the time I reach the towns edge. God, this sounds really bad for my pride, but I really miss that amulet. Oh well, at least I still had the gem that belonged to it. So, I take a quick break, and continue on. I made it through that forest before, I can do it again... Except that I was starving. It was weird, I haven't been hungry since I got here, but I guess that was just adrenaline. Now, I am feeling like I'm going to die if I don't eat soon. So, I turn back, but I see several things wrong with getting something from the town; one: The Mane Six. Two: It was probably all vegetables and sweets, and I refuse to partake of that kind of diet; I need meat. And thankfully, I know just where to get some from: Fluttershy's hut. Yeah, It's cruel and unusual, but it beats dying. Destination in mind, I then set out on the quest for something edible. Unfortunately, I forgot to take into account that I had no Idea where her hut even is. Nonetheless, I marched onward, hoping that going in one singular direction would yield results. Unfortunately, I ended up lost really quickly. Just my luck, I suppose.

"GOD DAMMIT! AGAIN!?" I cry, venting my frustration of being lost on a nearby tree.

"I! FUCKING! HATE! THIS! GOD! DAMNED! FOREST!" I rant, stomping the ground. Oddly enough, my rage must have special luck-giving powers, because the minute I stormed off, I turned out to be right next to Fluttershy's hut the whole time, which made me even angrier. But, I calmed down. I had easy food now, And I watched enough survival shows on T.V. to know how to skin and cook anything I could kill... which, admittedly, wasn't much in my current state. However, there were rabbits and chickens, so I could make due. However, as soon as I move to catch some chickens, I see something move in the window. However, it had hidden itself, so I ignore it. Then, I catch me some chickens, at least three, and crush a rabbit skull or two. It was bloody, yes, but blood washes off of metal. Besides, I used to have a job in a slaughterhouse once, and I had to execute smaller, cuter things. So, gathering wasn't a big deal. However, as I try to leave, The hut door flies open, and a familiar yellow-and-pink pony steps out, trying to stop me.

"What are you doing!? Put them down right now!" Fluttershy cries, moving as if to stop me, but she obviously remembers the beat-down I gave her and her friends last time, so she doesn't get too close to me.

"What? Put them down? And why would I do that? Besides, you're a little late for the bunnies..." I say, holding up one mangled white hare. Fluttershy then gasps, her eyes filling with tears.

"You... You monster... How could you..?" She asks, and I shrug, indifferent to her suffering.

"To survive, I guess? I gotta eat too, you know." I say, and then I turn and walk away. I try to walk away, but she then grabs my robe in an attempt to stop me, and I was sorely tempted to do to her what I did to Celestia. That is, if my hands weren't already full. Nonetheless, I turn around, and seem to tower over her. I know she's about my height, but I scare her so much, she actually cowers before me. Sometimes, I just love my life.

"You dare to rest your hands on me!? Do you not remember the last incident!?" I yell, causing her to cower so much, she seems to actually shrink.

"I...I just... Please... Don't take them... You can't possibly be that cruel!" She says, and that strikes a nerve with me. I attempted to eradicate an entire city before I had to resort to this. I just laugh at her pleas, and walk into the woods, still laughing, harder and harder, leaving a broken-hearted pony behind. When I reach a good spot in the woods, I use my claws to tear the chickens' jugulars out, then I prepare a campfire. I try putting the wood in a cone, like in the shows, but it wont light. And, several tries and several more hours later, I give up, violently.

"Grah! I hate forests!" I yell, tempted to kick the unlit firewood pile. Suddenly, though, the wood explodes, catching fire. I fly backward in shock, and I look at the now-burning wood pile, still in shock. Then I hear a familiar voice:

"Hey, Mal, need a light?" Mizzietta laughs, stepping into the light of the campfire. I see she has taken her larger form, which does not surprise me. However, I didn't expect her to find me this fast.

"Ah, Mizzy. Thought I'd see you around." I say plainly, as if I always had expected her.

"Of course, I'm the only dragon around here, after all." She says matter-of-factly. "So, I see you escaped okay, but where's the amulet?" She asks, pointing to my neck. I look, and sigh.

"It, eh, broke." I say nervously, putting a rabbit over the fire.

"What do you mean "It broke"?" Mizzietta asks. Reluctantly and wordlessly, I toss her the gem from the once-powerful artifact.

"That's all I could recover. I had to get out fast, see?" I explain, and Mizzietta shook her head.

"Well, at least you brought the gem back..." Mizzietta sighed.

"Yeah, but I have something... Important, to ask of you." I say, wondering if I'm making a good decision by asking this.

"You want something else from me? Well, I guess, but only because I like you, and you brought me dinner." Mizzietta said, taking the rabbit I was cooking and tossing it into her mouth.

"Great, because I need another artifact, and one without a weakness." I say. Mizzietta seems to ponder this, then smiles.

"I know a couple of others, but it'll cost you." Mizzietta says, and I'm fairly desperate, so I stupidly agree, despite knowing I might regret it. Oh, how far off I was...

"Anything!" I say, desperate for one last bid at power. Mizzietta smiles, and she replies:

"Okay, but I prefer my payment up front. Like you, I'm very, how did you say, "precise"?" Mizzietta says, causing me to choke on a chicken leg I was eating. After some coughing, though, I recovered, and resumed, albeit nervously. When I finish, I ask:

"What could you possibly want from me? I don't have anything, remember?" I say, quite flustered over my chances of obtaining ultimate power slipping away.

"Well, then let's go to my cave so we can work something out. I'm sure there's... something, you can offer me." Mizzietta said, a little unnervingly, but I paid it no mind. Then, she picks me up, flustering me more due to my problem with being held, and we're off to the cave, after she puts the fire out, of course.

We arrive at the cave in less than a minute, and I was glad. The sooner, the better. Then, we start talking cost.

"So, you want an artifact of great power, but have nothing to offer me, you say?" She asks, making me nervous.

"Well, when you put it that way..." I say, scratching the back of my neck nervously.

"It doesn't matter. I may have another method of payment, but it will be in the form of another favor. Interested?" Mizzietta asks, casting a sly grin at me that makes me blush beneath my helmet. Nevertheless, I see no reason to disagree at the time. After all, what else could she have possibly lost?

"Alright. What'd you lose this time?" I ask, feeling pretty confident.

"Oh, It's not about anything I've lost, but rather what I want. I think you can guess the rest." Mizzietta said sultrily, getting closer to me and causing me to become even more uncomfortable than usual around her. In fact, I was feeling stupid for not being near the cave mouth at all times.

"Wow... Didn't see THAT coming..." my inner voice said.

"Of course you didn't." I thought back at it as I continued to back away from the giant, horny reptile that now had her sights set on me, well, parts of me.

"Okay, back up, I never agreed to this!" I exclaimed, thinking only of all the very bad ways this could end.

"Actually, You did. Now, you're mine, little man." Mizzietta laughed, backing me into a corner, figuratively and literally. I tried to think of a way out of this mess, but I saw no way past Mizzietta. So, with no way to run, I tried talking, which is kind of hard when you're panicking and a five-ton mass of fire, scales, and teeth is bearing down on you with the sole intention of mating with you.

"Wait, wait, you're a dragon, and I'm, well, not! How do you expect to go about this without crushing me?" I ask her, hoping it deters her, but she laughs instead, not a sound I want to hear from her right now.

"Oh right, I forgot!" Mizzietta exclaims, and she shrinks down to my height, but with that damn distracting figure! Now, let's get one thing straight: I am NOT into bestiality, and I do NOT find reptiles attractive in any form. But even I can't help but stare at those curves. So, it was bad at first, and I want nothing to do with it, but then she practically throws herself onto me, and all the logic centers in my brain go on vacation faster than I can say "Damn!". So I try to resist, but she manages to pin my arms, and my legs seem to have lost the will to move, the traitorous bastards. So I'm stuck, and she REALLY wants the D. Needless to say, plan B has failed catastrophically, and I'm not getting enough blood to my brain to think of a plan C, for obvious reasons, so I just keep talking:

"I need an adult!" I yell weakly, but Mizzy just laughs.

"Silly boy. I am an adult." she says finally. Before I know it, Mizzietta has pulled my robes up and off of my person, and tossed them aside, and I still have no idea what to do. Then, Mizzy moves to my gauntlets, pulling them off and discarding them, then she pulls off my boots, and then she removes my helmet, and brings her face really close to mine. Then, Mizzy catches me off guard with a deep, passionate kiss, and then it gets weird. I warn you now, if you have a weak heart or hate interspecies intercourse as much as I do, you need to skip this next part, because this shit's for the weirdos only.

Anyways, as Mizzietta's snout is locked to my face, she moves her claws to my underpants, and instead of pulling them off immediately, she slips her claws inside them and starts groping me with a passion. She does this for a while, just groping and rubbing, until she thinks I'm nice and hard enough. Then, she pulls my underwear slowly off my waist, disengages her mouth from mine, and lowers her waist onto mine, until it slides in, and then she twists and turns while I'm inside her, causing her to moan as she gets it in deeper. After she finishes that up, she proceeds to raise her waist up, then bring it back down with a vengeance, and she repeats this process over and over. Meanwhile, Mizzy pulls my face up and into her great, heaving breasts, and just keeps my head between them as she raises and lowers herself onto my belligerent member. She continues to ride me like a Ferris wheel for a good eight minutes, just up, down, up, down, until I finally can't take it anymore, and I release into her.

However, Mizzietta is far from done with me. After I finish, she rolls over, pulls me on top of her, and she then guides my still-hard dick into her pussy, and she starts to push me back and forth, grabbing my right hand with her free hand and placing mine on her left breast, and I notice that her breasts are getting harder, and her hole looser. However, I soon realize that not to be the case, and I find out that Mizzietta's growing bigger, and soon easily doubles me in size, but thankfully has not returned to her full size, which was about ten times bigger than me. Now, I'm being pushed and pulled with double the force, and I don't last three minutes before I cum again, and Mizzy starts moaning and purring in pleasure. I finish soon after, and she rolls to her side, letting me off the crazy ride. After a momentary break, Mizzietta returns to her normal size, and I'm pretty much tapped out. I feel pretty violated and confused, and yeah, I fucked a dragon. But honestly, how many people can say that?

Okay, now it's safe for the normal people to read again. Anyway, so Mizzietta and I are now both laying on our backs, pretty exhausted, but I think I'm worse off. After all, I'm the one who just got molested by a dragon. But I soon forget about the ordeal, and I pass out from exhaustion, because that in itself had to be some kind of five-star workout. The next morning comes with vengeance, and I turn away from the horrible, evil sun, and open my eyes... And see Mizzietta looking right at me. I then get up with a start, and begin to frantically search for my underwear. As soon as I'm at least in my robes, Mizzietta gets up, and then yawns.

"Wow, Mal, you're just magic in all kinds of ways. You sure you still need some cheesy artifact?" Mizzietta asks, smiling smugly. I just groan, trying to hold on to what little self-respect I have left.

"I gave you what you wanted, Mizzietta. Now please, I just want that artifact, so I can get back to being a fighter, not a lover." I groan, still aching from last night. Finally, Mizzietta groans in annoyance, and replies:

"Alright, I'll tell you now, you want the crystal heart. Unfortunately, I, eh," Mizzietta stammered, blushing and scratching the back of her neck nervously. I know what this means, and I quickly get pissed.

"Unfortunately what, Mizzy?" I ask menacingly, gritting my teeth.

"Well, I don't exactly have it on me right now, unfortunately... It's kinda in the Crystal Kingdom..." she says, and, surprisingly, I'm not mad. I'M FURIOUS!!! I'm so furious, my pupils burst into flames from my inextinguishable rage, and my pimp hand starts to raise itself in righteous anger. This ho has lied to me, forcing herself upon me without (much of) my consent! I feel my pimp hand cry out, thirsting for blood and justice, but I'm forced to lower it, because she's still a massive dragon, and I still have a feeling I don't want to be on her uncle Bolas's bad side. However, my pupils still remain ablaze, and my pimp hand still longs for her face.

"Hey, Mal, do your eyes usually do that?" Mizzietta says, and I'm snapped out of my rage.

"Do what?" I ask, smelling smoke.

"Catch fire." She says, and I put my hands to my face... And make an epic discovery, and react accordingly:

"HOLY SHIT! MY EYES ARE ACTUALLY ON FIRE!?!?" I scream, trying to put them out with my hands. Then, I start running in circles, screaming.

"Stop drop and roll!" Mizzietta shouts ever-so-helpfully, while I'm still running around with my eyes on fire. I try to pat them out, but then I run out of the cave mouth by accident, but Mizzietta catches me before I hit the ground, thankfully. But, my eyes are still on fire. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this world that something as cartoonish as this can actually happen?! Anyway, moving on from my suffering:

"Put me out before my retinas melt, NOW!!!!" I yell, and Mizzietta rolls her eyes, then puts my head in her mouth, putting out my eyes, but leaving me feeling like I'd prefer if my eyes were still on fire. Then, she pulls me out, and sets me down.

"Was... Was that really necessary..?" I ask, traumatized.

"No, but it shut you up. Besides, I could've put you somewhere else." Mizzy said jokingly, but I wasn't laughing. In fact, I was just standing there and shivering while Mizzietta laughed.

"That's... That's not funny..." I stammered.

"It is to me." Mizzietta chuckled.

"... Can we just go get that heart?" I ask.

"Alright, tough guy, I'll get you to the city, but getting it's your problem." Mizzy says, and I sigh.

"Of course it is. When isn't it my problem?" I ask, Facepalming. Well, like I hear every villain say at some point: If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself." I say, walking to the lair entrance.

"Wait, you're not seriously walking, are you?" Mizzietta asks, chuckling.

"I'm considering it." I growled.

"Jeez, someone's grumpy." Mizzietta harrumphed.

"Of course I'm grumpy! I have nothing, in a world I don't understand, with you, and everyone in the world out for my blood!" I cry, raising my hands to the air and cursing every god (or goddess) that ever existed.

"Well, you seemed okay with everything before, why worried about it now?" Mizzietta asks, shrinking to my height and sitting next to me. She had a point, though. Why was I so flustered about it all now? It made no sense. First I was feeling okay, now, I was beginning to feel like this was all a bad idea. I felt horrible, like the weight of the world was crushing me, and I didn't even know why.

"I don't know." I say, staring ahead. "Maybe I'm just as crazy as you. Maybe I'm just not cut out for being a super villain." I explain. I suddenly don't feel like fighting this crazy world anymore, like I've burnt out whatever hate was driving me. What was wrong with me? I thought back to my first impression with Twilight, then to my fight with the Mane Six, then to my spat with Celestia. I didn't feel much about that, but now I feel like maybe I deserve to be imprisoned in stone. I mean, I almost killed a lot of ponies, who I guess are kinda people, but everything's all anthro, so I don't even know if this is real. Then, I decide: Maybe I am as mad as the dragon. As if reading my thoughts, Mizzietta replies sympathetically:

"I don't know about crazy, but I think you're just living with everything catching up to you so suddenly. You handled everything so calmly, and it was bound to happen eventually." she says, putting an arm around me. I just look at her, confused. When did Mizzy become a psychologist?

"How the hell do you know that?" I asked. Mizzy just laughs.

"Dude, my uncle Bolas is the biggest villain in the multiverse! He's seen this happen so many times, to so many new villains, that he actually wrote a book on villain psychology. He even lent me a copy, if you want to read it." Mizzietta explains, pointing toward her hoard. I, however, don't need my brain picked, I need a way to vent it all away somehow.

"I don't need it, I just need to think." I say.

"That's your first problem, dude; you're thinking about it. My uncle used to always tell me, 'If you think about the little things, the big things just get an opportunity to revolt and possibly kill you'." Mizzy explains.

"The point is, you don't think, you accept. You appeared here and accepted that you were here, you didn't care, and that's good. But you know almost nothing about this place, so you have to learn. You have already made a whole fuck-ton of enemies, so you need to get sneaky. You have no powers, but you have the drive to get them, so get them! You're a great villain, Malideus, you just need some practice is all." Mizzietta says, and I almost burst into tears. Quickly, I put my helmet on, so she doesn't see me cry, but she sees through it.

"Are you crying?" Mizzy asks.

"N-no... The s-sun's just in my eyes..." I say hopelessly.

"The sun is on the other side of the cave." She replies flatly.

"Uh... fuck." I say, hanging my head in shame, but Mizzy just squeezes me tighter.

"You know what you need, Mal? An esteem boost. I think it's time you met my uncle." She says, and I almost jump out of my skin.

"WHAT!?" I shout, thinking up all kinds of horror stories of what this guy might look like and what he can do. Frankly, an evil dragon who can travel dimensions and destroy worlds doesn't sound like the guy I want to be buddies with, lest he considers me a threat... Or a nuisance.

"Relax, I think you two will get along great! He's just here for vacation, but I think I can get him to teach you a thing or two about evildoing, maybe even give you your own magic!" Mizzy explains, but I still don't feel any better. The guy's an evil dragon wizard, which does not sit well with me. Nonetheless, she probably will pester me to do this until I do, and I REALLY need some professional help. Oh, what to do?

"I don't know, it sounds like a really bad idea. what if he destroys me?" I ask.

"He won't destroy you, trust me. Just take some time to talk to him, and I think he can make a real evil wizard out of you." Mizzy says, and I feel touched that she would offer. Not a lot of people would do anything for me out of the kindness of their hearts. Ah, who am I kidding, no one would even talk to me the first two years of high school. So, naturally, I feel really emotional right now, which is kind of weird. Nonetheless, I smile on.

"Thanks. Not a lot of people would put so much faith in me so easily. However, I have to wonder, Why do you?" I ask Mizzy, who just smiles back.

"Because, I think you can be this sappy world's reckoning. I believe that, if you learn, you can bring this world to it's knees. You are, by far, the most hateful, murderous, and overconfident asshole I've ever met, and I like you for that. Plus, you're so cute when you try to resist my advances." Mizzietta says, causing me to blush vividly as I remember last night. Thankfully, I was wearing my helmet, so she couldn't see.

"Well, thanks anyway. So, I guess I just wait here until your uncle shows up?" I ask.

"Nah, that'd be boring. I say we go terrorize a small village or something. You know, something fun!" She says, looking to the horizon. Mizzietta may be a rapist pervert, but I can't help but like her. She's got spunk.

"Nah, I can sit. I've had a crazy few days, and I need a break." I say, feeling too lazy to get up.

"... Do you at least want to help me get the crystal heart? I could stand to add it to my collection." Mizzietta says, and I shrug.

"Sure. Better than terrorizing a small village, I suppose." I say, and I get up, putting on my gauntlets and boots. Then, Mizzietta returns to her full size, and I get on her back. Then, we're off. I don't know where to, but it's better than being manhandled. At least the destination should be fun... As long as I don't think of my inevitable introduction to "Uncle Bolas".

Author's Note

Sorry about this one folks, but I'm not so sure about this chapter... Oh well. On to the next one!

And again, sorry if anyone vomits from this chapter and ruins their computer.

Ch.24: For Science!... I guess.

It was a wonderful day. I mean, really, nothing can ruin it. A city is burning, all hostiles are either dead, or fleeing for their lives, and the sky is red from all the fire and blood mist in the air, courtesy of my awesome, indestructible H.O.U.N.D. Now, the only thing that could ruin it was if Celestia came with some kind of superweapon of her own, like an orbital friendship cannon, or something. However, I don't see her anywhere, so I can only guess that she chickened out... again. Still, I feel kinda sad: I was really looking forward to showing her my new toy, and watching her get frustrated over not being able to destroy it. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to... wait... what's that noise?

"What in the..?" I ask myself as a loud bang sounds through the cockpit along with serious-sounding alarms, causing me to stumble from the force of the H.O.U.N.D's shaking. After I recover, I quickly turn to the H.U.D. in an attempt to see what exploded, and as I do, I see that the generator, which was between the cockpit and the chassis, has been hit hard despite the shields on its front and back. Literally, it was already at less than half integrity, and I only got hit once. What is this fuckery?!

"What the..?! What the hell just hit me?!" I ask, dumbstruck. I begin to turn the H.O.U.N.D's cockpit about-face, too see what shot me, but I am rewarded with no sight of any cannons, or even a pony... Well, at first, anyway. Suddenly, before I can turn around, a white figure shoots up in front of my cockpit, and I yelp at the suddenness of it, jumping back as the scowling figure hovers there. What? I get jumpy sometimes, don't judge me. Anyway, so, I finally get up after a while, and I see the mysterious, winged pony glare at the cockpit, but it seems she can't see me, though I can see her... and the weapons she's packing. A lance and a shield, who ELSE saw that coming? Still, how did THAT pierce my armor?! That's bullshit! Besides, there was only one pony in the world who could do this much damage to anything I made, and that was... Oh.

"You fucking bitch..." I mutter, finally realizing who this mysterious assailant was: Celestia. Suddenly, in response to my silent curse, Celestia bangs her lance on the cockpit window, and points into it, calling me out:

"Malideus, You're dead! I'm going to turn this abomination into scrap, and then crush you beneath it when I'm done! You'll rue the day you messed with the princess of the sun, you hear me?! RUE IT!!!" Celestia says, and she rears her lance back for a thrust to my cockpit, attempting to break it to get at me. So, I activate the external speakers, and politely tell her off, utilizing my extensive vocabulary and gentlemanly charm:

"Go eat a dick, you cheap horse knockoff!" I yell, turning the chassis so that the machine guns would slam into her. Unfortunately, she dodges that futile attack, and she grabs the makeshift melee weapon and tries to pull it off. Seeing sparks fly from the guns as the princess tears them off, I begin to panic, and I pull the joysticks back with all my might, causing the walking tank to move backwards and forcing her to let go. Then, I turn my legs around and run, hoping to gain some distance between me and the psychopathic princess so I can hit her with a rocket, or something. However, as fast as the H.O.U.N.D runs, Celestia just flies faster than my H.O.U.N.D can move, and I hear another loud boom as Celestia crashes into the generator again, and another alarm sounds as the generator hits 8% integrity. GOD DAMN IT!!! Now I have to fight fair!

As my H.O.U.N.D slows to a stop to preserve power, I begin to panic again, falling into one of my famous attacks. Immediately, I let my brain take over my actions, and it devises the best plan it can: aim the guns at her, and shoot until something hits her. My body quickly aims the machine guns at the rapidly-approaching, pesky princess, and opens fire. As Celestia sees this, she quickly stops to dip and weave to avoid my bullets, seeming to actually be scared of them. Well, she should be, seeing as these babies can tear through solid steel. However, she doesn't stay distracted by her own survival for long, and as she continues her evasive maneuvers, she quickly takes a potshot at my cockpit in the midst of the bullet storm, and I quickly duck as the window explodes into millions of glass shards that fly everywhere. I quickly let go of the trigger to evade, causing the guns to stop firing, and Celestia, ever the opportunist, takes the chance presented to her to fly to the cockpit, where she finds me ducking behind a seat... Not because I'm scared, or anything, I just wanted to save myself from any stray shards that may still be hanging around. Hey, safety first.

Anyway, to the outside viewers, it may seem that Ol' Sunbutt has won, but in here, as she tries to grab me, I use a powerful stream of lightning to blast her off the cockpit, and she hits the ground hard, thanks to her being temporarily stunned. However, I meant for that blast to be near-lethal, and seeing how it was not, I quickly begin to panic again, realizing that she must be dampening my magic somehow... But how?! I may not know her trick to weakening me, but I do know she won't stay down there forever, courtesy of said trick. So, I quickly rush to the controls and raise my H.O.U.N.D's right foot, and slam it down on top of her as fast as I can. But before I can hear the satisfying crunch of a squashed enemy, I hear gears grind, and I see the foot stuck only a foot or two from the ground, and before I can cuss up a blue streak, I see something that chills me to my very bones: it's moving BACK UP!!!

"Fuck..." I sigh irritably, trying to move the right leg downward as hard as I could push, bet Celestia was soon up, and she was still holding the foot up. I can actually see her now, and boy, does she look PISSED. The princess' face is contorted with rage, as well as the strain of lifting a giant robot's foot, and her sweat is glistening in the sun, soaking her fur, mane and dress, and I begin to wonder if maybe I bit off a bit more than I could chew this time...

"Maaallliiiiideeeeuuuusssss..." Celestia groans through clenched teeth, lifting the foot higher and higher, until I hear more alarms, and something explodes in the pelvic joint, causing it to smoke profusely, and the leg becomes useless, flying backwards, and only moving to catch the H.O.U.N.D before it falls on its back. Now it won't move, and Celestia is climbing up to the cockpit, stopping halfway up to deliver a finishing blow to the generator, which gives a small explosion before dying, then continuing up, and I begin to curse as she reaches the cockpit, ducking behind a chair to hide myself. Maybe I can knock her back down again using the same trick as last time...

"This is bad, this isn't what was supposed to happen..." I mutter hastily, realizing my hopeless situation, and I yelp as Celestia rips me from my hiding place by the back of my robe and tosses me out to the ground below. Then, standing on the H.O.U.N.D triumphantly, she starts her dreaded monologue:

"Malideus... I've had it with you. No more offers, no more capture. As of right now, you're going to die for what you've done here, and I'm going to make it as slow and painful as I can." Celestia yells down, cracking her knuckles afterward, and leaping down to me, stalking toward me like a cat finally catching a mouse... except that THIS mouse has one last mousehole to go through, and it's currently smoking and ready to explode... Wait, bad analogy... Eh, I'll think of something else later. But now, I have my OWN speech to give.

"Some speech, Celestia, but I wouldn't do that, if I was you." I say, and Celestia stops, confused, but she still glares her signature death glare at me, causing me to cringe slightly.

"I won't fall for any more of your tricks, wizard. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you, and I might make this quick." she hisses, and I point to the H.O.U.N.D, which looks ready to blow.

"That, Celestia, is the reason. You kill me, and you'll only have about ten seconds before the engine explodes, including all the fuel reserves, E.M.P.s, and the explosive rounds that it's carrying. If I don't shut that thing down, all that explosive ordinance will not only vaporize the both of us, but likely the whole damned city, in about... five seconds." I say, hearing the alarms blare louder and louder, signalling the impending destruction of the whole city, and I see Celestia look worriedly at the H.O.U.N.D, immediately regretting her decision of damaging the generator so much. I'm not too worried about it, seeing as I can just teleport or shield myself despite the magic-dampening trick she's got going on, but Celestia seems strained by the weight of her choices, and then turns to me and lifts me by my robe, calling my bluff.

"You better shut it down, Malideus, or I won't stop at killing you! I'll destroy you, rebuild you, and I will continue crushing you until your body stops working!" Celestia says, and another explosion sounds, marking the final countdown to inevitable oblivion. So, naturally, I struggle a bit and start to panic. Still, I keep (most of) my cool, and retort:

"Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT reason to stop the obliteration of the entire city, when I could just teleport away." I say, rolling my eyes. I know, it's a pretty big bluff, and one I may not get out of alive, but I have to try. After all, how smart could this pompous old nag be?

"You evil, conniving, monstrous little..." She tries, but I suddenly cough, interrupting her, and I point to the unstable H.O.U.N.D, causing her to sigh: "... You know what, Malideus? I don't care." Celestia says calmly, not letting me go. Oh well, it was worth a... Wait... WHAT!?!?!?

"Wait! Are you NUTS!?" I ask loudly as another explosion rocks the ground, causing the H.O.U.N.D and me to shake. But Celestia stands firm, still holding me over the ground as I struggle.Thanks to her dampening of my power, all my escape options are moot... and judging by her creepy stalker smile, she knows that.

"No, I'm just protecting my country. Now, I have the perfect means to do that. Now, there is no chance for you to escape, and I can protect the future generations from your cruelty." Celestia monologues, and I just stare disbelievingly at her, my eye twitching.

"You do realize that you're just going to kill yourself, too, right!?" I ask finally feeling what's left of my cool slip away, and Celestia nods, still not letting me go.

"Yes. I know I can't stop you any other way, Malideus: If I try to stab you here, you'll just break the lance, or something. If I petrify you, I still wouldn't have had time to escape myself, as you said yourself. This is the only way to ensure that you are gone, and that is to witness it myself. Enjoy your next breath, Malideus, because it's your last." Celestia rants, and no matter how much I struggle, she won't let me go. Well, guess this is it... and to think that, just like my suspicions, it was Celestia after all. I don't know if I should be happy or pissed. Instead, I just settle with... kinda empty, even as the H.O.U.N.D's final explosion sounds from behind Celestia, who keeps me looking at it.

"If you have any last words, Malideus, say them... nopony's going to hear them anyway." Celestia says, still wearing the same shit-eating grin.

"... I hate you, Celestia." I say grumpily, glaring at her.

"I hate you, too, Malideus." Celestia says, still grinning, and I watch with sadness as the explosion finally takes place. The H.O.U.N.D. rumbles with an internal disturbance, sparks fly as plates fall off, and, finally, the right side of the massive tank goes off in a furious display, then the left, and then a loud, giant explosion rips through the air... but it's not giant. No, the H.O.U.N.D just explodes like any normal tank, maybe a bit bigger, blowing hot wind and the smell of burning gasoline in our faces, but ultimately doing little else. Afterwards, all it does is shower us with tiny bits of metal, and both of us just stare in disbelief at the still-standing husk of the H.O.U.N.D, which is still smoldering, but is pretty much done exploding. Celestia just stands wordlessly, still looking at the mech's blackened, skeletal husk, and she looks about to say something, but doesn't... I don't think she can. So, it's up to me to break the ice... again.

"Booo!" I shout, disrupting the silence by voicing how incredibly lame that explosion was, considering the over-dramatic build-up leading up to it. I seriously got manhandled for ten long seconds for THIS!? I want my ten seconds back!

"What... was that..?" Celestia asks, blushing at her own stupidity. Honestly, I can't blame her, seeing how I fell for it, too.

"One lame-ass explosion, that's what. I want my money back!" I say in response, and Celestia drops me as her left eye twitches uncontrollably.

"So... you were bluffing?" Celestia asks, still staring at the H.O.U.N.D's mortal remains.

"No, I actually thought I was going to die. Still, that was a nice romantic gesture. Crazy and totally scary, but flattering." I say, and Celestia almost jumps, blushing furiously.

"WHAT!? What are you talking about?! As if I would fall for you!" Celestia shouts, and I kinda believe her, but I still press on.

"Oh, please, I know you're into me, you have it all over your face. Plus, everyone knows you dig the bad boys..." I say smugly, and proceed to walk away from a fuming Celestia, who looks ready to explode herself.

"Your jokes won't save you this time, Malideus! I said you were going to die, and you're going to die! And because you ruined the peacefulness of the moment, I'm going to bring you back to life after I kill you, just so I can kill you again!" Celestia yells, and I sigh, turning around.

"I figured it wouldn't be that easy, so I prepared a contingency plan, seeing as your weaponry seems to be dampening my magic prowess." I say, and Celestia casts a bemused look at me.

"Oh, really? By all means, what is it?" Celestia asks, getting close to me, and looking ready to stab me if I try to run. Thankfully, I'm not going to... that lance looks like it would really hurt, especially the way she probably intends to use it. So, I activate my ultimate contingency plan, pulling out an old friend I haven't used in a long time...

"So, Celly, I hope you remembered your contact lenses today." I say, and Celestia looked shocked as I proceed to pull out my not-so-secret weapon... Oh, stop it! Get your mind out of the gutter, you perv!

"Contacts? Why would I... oh." Celestia suddenly freezes up as realization washes over her like a tidal wave, and without a second's notice, I fling out my granulated weapon at her:

"Pocket sand!" I exclaim, and Celestia screams as the sand enters her eyes, resulting in a nostalgic moment that leaves me laughing while Celestia falls to her knees, crying in pain.

"WHY DID I FALL FOR THAT?!" Celestia screams, and I remain laughing, on the verge of tears.

"Ha! Where is your brand now, doofus? Ha ha h-" as I laugh, Celestia swings her lance at me, hitting me across the face with such force, it almost breaks my neck. "... Ouch..." I mutter, falling to the ground as Celestia gets up, trying to clear the pocket sand from her eyes.

"You filth! First murder, now this?! I HATE YOU!!!" Celestia screams, swinging her lance wildly at me, which I promptly dodge, and I raise my staff, and swing it at her. I hit her across her head, but she seems unfazed as she charges up some hind of nasty-looking spell, leaving me no time to dodge it.

"Uh oh." I say, sweating beneath my armor as she casts her ultimate attack, forcing me to dodge. But I dodged too late, and the spell hits me dead in the chest, sending me flying into a crumbling wall, which finally decides to crumble onto me. Thank god I'm wearing armor... Oh... wait... spell's kicking in...

"Just let it be, Malideus. It'll all be over, soon..." Celestia says as she slowly approaches me, but I manage to push the bricks away, and stumble out of the pile.

"Get bent... you crazy old nag..." I say, on the verge of vomiting. Seriously, what did she do to my insides, but a bomb in them? Anyway, so I grip my staff tightly as the wave of sickness and pain washes over me, and use it as a crutch to run away, but Celestia easily catches me, lifts me up, and observes me cautiously, as if she expected something else to happen.

"I don't get it... you should be dead by now..." Celestia says softly, as if more confused than angry, like I'd expect if something like that failed on me.

"No... but I wish I was..." I say, and I start to chuckle, but I immediately double over in pain, as my guts feel like they're going to be ripped apart. However, Celestia looks a bit frustrated at my pun, and seems to ponder something, before she finally drags me off, hoisting my limp body over her shoulder.

"I may need to ask Twilight about this; She might know what's going on here." Celestia says, drawing my attention.

"What..? So, it's not enough that I'm in pain, you have to put me in the same room as your insane former student?" I ask, and Celestia sighs, but still replies.

"You're an odd case, Malideus. Nothing we have tried on you has worked, and I want to know why. I don't have the details, but I suspect that your power goes further than some stolen artifacts, and that same power is what's causing this jump from being a nuisance to being a murderer. However, I don't have enough evidence to know what that power is; That's where Twilight comes in. As soon as we glean whatever your power is, we will extract it, which has a high possibility of killing you. In the end, everyone gets what they want." Celestia says, and I object:

"I don't. I want to live and NOT get studied..." I mutter, But Celestia ignores me, and presses a hand to my forehead, causing me to feel drowsy.

"You don't count. Now, sleep." Celestia, says, and after some mental struggling on my part, I resist the wave of sleepiness to make one last scream for help:

"HELP, SHE'S GOING TO RAPE ME!!!" I scream, and then I succumb, going out like a light...

Celestina's point of view. Joy.

Finally... After all this time, and after defeat after agonizing defeat, I have Malideus. It took an hour and several sore muscles, but I have captured the nuisance at last. As I hoist the slumbering wizard over my shoulder, I feel anxious to just get back home and forget this nightmare ever happened. After all, don't I deserve it? I worked really, really hard for this point, and now Malideus is going to be locked away forever, and his fledgling empire is going to crumble. However, as I take off, I feel the sorcerer twitch, and I feel... odd, like something has just grabbed me, but mentally. I wonder what this odd sensation is, but knowing this faker of an overlord, it's likely my own paranoia getting the better of me... that is, until it speaks:

"You think you're just being paranoid... you keep thinking that." the presence says, and I almost lose my balance, coming very close to dropping Malideus.

"What..?! Who are you? Show yourself!" I shout, but I immediately blush, feeling stupid. I shouldn't shout at voices after all. Besides, it's probably just one of Malideus's last-ditch illusions to scare me out of capturing him... right?

"I? I'm whoever you want me to be... and even whoever you don't. But, you may call me, for simplicity's sake... The Narrator." The presence replies, dashing my last hopes of this being a product of Malideus.

"The 'Narrator'? What... what are you? Explain yourself, before I purge you from my head!" I threaten out loud, mostly out of habit, and the presence laughs, an evil, deceitful laugh, and responds in a hateful tone that makes my blood run cold:

"You'll find that quite impossible, Celestia, as I am no more in YOUR head than I was in Malideus's. And even if I was, you'll find that I am MUCH harder to get rid of than you think." The voice replies, causing me to shiver at it's sheer cynicism, as if whatever was speaking had no regard for life, and no respect for anything. But it called itself the Narrator... so who's story was it telling?

"No one's. I am simply telling it as I see it, never intervening, never getting involved... most of the time, anyway." The voice taunts, and I feel a familiar fear creep into my spine as it chuckles, but why? As far as I know, this thing, whatever it is, can't hurt me. After all, it's just a voice, a narrator.

"So you think..." the voice interrupts again, and I've finally had enough of it.

"Why do keep replying to my thoughts? What do you want?" I ask irritably, snapping at the sinister voice as it caresses my mind, gradually making coherent thought more and more difficult.

"Keh heh heh... Haven't you already figured that out, Celestia? I may not be in your head, but I can see everything that goes on inside it, from your most obscure thoughts, to your most distant, private memories. And as for what I want, I want you to let my champion go, before I put you in the same situation as your sister." The voice says, and all my fear vanishes in that instant, replaced by sheer anger and accusation.

"You twisted phantom, what did you do to our sister?!" I snap, my anger causing me to slip into the old 'royal we' I used to use. The voice, however, ignores me, and laughs at my anguish, and I begin to feel only dread as he grips my mind again, causing my vision to blur, and a horrible ringing to sound in my ears.

"You saw it yourself, Princess, I changed her. Your enemy Malideus foolishly thought it was HIS doing when he changed people by slapping them, but it was really all me. When Whip was struck by Malideus, the brief contact let me switch one little hormone in her brain, alter one little trait... and she immediately fell for him, becoming a masochist in the process. Similarly, When Malideus stuck Luna, inserting those feelings into her mind was as easy as swapping letters in postage. Then, when Malideus grappled her the second time, well... I made sure she would never interfere with my champion again. At least, until the boy wakes her up himself. And now, with your prolonged contact, I have established perfect communication with you, to send you the perfect message: Release him, or die." The voice says, squeezing my brain, and I begin to lower in altitude, feeling drowsiness set in. I can't just let this nuisance go, but if this thing is true, and has been playing the violent sorcerer like a pawn, then I have to find a way to remove it before it does any more damage. But first, I have to make it back to the castle without falling to my death. So, in the haziness of my mind, I produce a plan: distract it.

"Why should... I release him... if you're just going to kill everyone anyway?" I ask tiredly, and the presence seems to withdraw in shock, but does not let go. Finally, it answers:

"Because, if you live for now, you might at least stand a chance. However, with both rulers down, Equestria will have more to worry about than a wizard and his demon army. Riots will boil out, nations will turn on each other, and the world will spiral down into chaos, until your precious ponies are in the same spot as before: bickering over territory, in tribes they barely control, as the elements and other countries waste them away to extinction. And this will happen, Celestia, because you wanted to take the easy way." The voice monologues, and as he finishes, I begin to see Canterlot in the horizon. But still, I'm not close enough. I still have to keep the voice talking, so I can drop Malideus off without suffering any losses.

"You think my ponies so simple? I have a third princess ready to take the throne, and many allies to govern in my absence. I'll bet that even if you win, and I succumb to you, my ponies will go on, and you can't do a thing to stop them..." I bluff, and the voice laughs maliciously, his voice grating and metallic, and he calls my bluff:

"Is that so, child? Do you truly have so much faith in those weak-minded peons you call subjects?" The voice asks, and I doubt myself for thinking it, but I know they can't exist without me until Twilight is ready, and that's why I have to keep talking: So I can lock this thing's so-called 'champion' away forever, where he can't hurt anyone else ever again.

"I do." I say simply, and the voice remains quiet for a bit, but then speaks up, his tone just as condescending as before:

"Would you, perhaps... care to wager that?" the Narrator asks, causing me to tense up.

"Wager? Why would I deal with the likes of you?!" I ask, and the Narrator laughs evilly, then replies:

"Why not? You have nothing to lose. I'll put my money, as it were, on Malideus destroying you all and freeing me. You, however, put your bet on your ponies, and the loser... well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there." the Narrator says vaguely, and I almost refuse, but at the rate I'm going, I'll never make it if I stop talking now. I don't know what I'm getting into now, but I know I'm going to regret it later. Still, I have to accept his bet, if only to buy me a few more seconds.

"... Fine, I accept your bet." I say solemnly, and I can feel the voice's glee as it laughs at me, its harsh, metallic voice grating my senses, and I suddenly feel very, very cold before the voice speaks again:

"Then it's a deal. But I warn you now, Celestia, I will win. And when I do, this world will see its end, as well as everyone on it." the Narrator says,but I'm finally over the city, and I quickly drop down, causing the voice to cry out in shock of its deception. Then, before it can do any damage to me, I drop Malideus, severing my connection to him, and therefor the Narrator. Before I know it, my head is clear once more, and I see ponies gather around to see my victory, as Malideus lay on the street, unconscious. Indeed, I have won the day, and evil was vanquished once more; Malideus is down, and he will be locked away forevermore...

So why do I feel so bad?

Back to Malideus.

Hours later... I think... I don't know. Well, anyway, I'm still finally up, if just barely. Ugh... Where AM I? I feel like I've been hit by a truck... or two.

"Uhn... Nicol Bolas above, what happened to... oh." I say, seeing myself in familiar scenario: Dark basement, strapped to a chair, and surrounded by flashing equipment. "Oh, hell, not again..." I say, looking around, slowly. Great, drive a mech into a city, and this shit happens. Why do I even bother? I try to break mt straps, but they don't budge. Plus, my staff is gone, so I feel pretty helpless right now. So, I sit there for a bit, and I hear a crash upstairs, causing me to jump. Then, the door opens, and my third least favorite pony finally steps through, acting like she owns the place:

"Hello, Malideus. I see you're well... more or less." says Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's former student. God, I hate her.

"Oh, look, it's mommy's little accident. Go stuff your head back up your teacher's ass and leave me alone, you test tube-sniffing virgin." I say plainly, and Twilight huffs indignantly, but still continues walking to one of her machines, which looks a tad more menacing than the others for some reason... probably because of all the extra Tesla coils and sinister-looking lights on it. She then goes up to a panel on it, presses a few buttons rapidly, and begins her daily monologue, still looking at the screen of her new machine, to my chagrin:

"So... Here we are again... It's been a long time, hasn't it? You know, since you almost killed me?" She begins, and I groan.

"Last I checked, I saved your purple ass, you ungrateful ankle-biter." I snap, but Twilight ignores me, focusing on her screen.

"Well, as we know, that's in the past. And besides, you are right: If it wasn't for you saving us from those demons, as well as helping us take back Canterlot, we wouldn't be here, having this discussion. So, as thanks, you and I are going to have a lot of fun, as Celestia has commissioned me with a very important mission: Finding whatever it is that is making you so abnormally powerful." Twilight explains, and I, for once, am confused. Why would they want to find this drivel out, when they could just kill me and be done with it at this point?

"What the ever-loving fuck are you going on about?" I ask, and Twilight turns to me, an expression of curiosity on her face.

"You mean you didn't know? Celestia said she cast a spell with the exact same effects as the wards we put around our cities, but it did nothing but cause you minor physical pain..." I cut her off at that last part to laugh at her.

"Minor?! I almost died, it hurt so much! You people are fucking psychopaths, you know that?!" I cry, and Twilight slams her fist on a machine, and glares daggers at me.

"WE'RE the psychopaths?! You just slaughtered an entire city of innocents ten hours ago, you dangerous, loud, lunatic!" Twilight yells back, and I tense up.

"That bitch knocked me out for TEN HOURS!?" I exclaim, my anger breaching normal levels, which usually are around the point where a normal guy has an aneurysm and dies. Horribly.

"Yes, it was, unfortunately, a longer flight than Celestia thought, due to several minions of yours chasing her in an attempt to retrieve you. I must admit, Malideus, you really know how to get people to like you as a leader. Too bad they can't get in the city this time to save you." Twilight says, and I lower my head in a gesture of final defeat.

"yeah, that does kinda suck." I say, staring ahead, at the door. I hate to admit it, but I kinda wish I didn't piss Celestia off now.

"Indeed. But, on the upside, The research I'm going to conduct will prove to be quite helpful! Soon, we'll see just what makes your powers tick, and maybe use it for ourselves! But first, we have to do some tests, some physicals, maybe a scanning or two of your brainwaves. Oh, I'm just giddy to see what we'll find!" Twilight exclaims happily, and I go immediately into 'panic' mode upon the mention of physicals, and anyone can guess why.

"Hey, no physicals! If you probe me, I swear to Nicol mother-fucking Bolas that I'll tear your horn off again and shove it so far up your ass, it'll come right back out your forehead!" I yell, but Twilight ignores me, and she finally leaves her machine, and attaches some wires to various points on my robe and exposed armor in preparation of something sciencey.

"Now, I'm going to test your aura real quick. Stay still, so the wires don't come off, and relax... this isn't the part that might kill you, that part comes later." Twilight says creepily, and I feel this whole thing is a bit surreal. I mean, come on, how did I lose to begin with? I'm Malideus, for crying out loud!

"When I get out of this chair, I'm going to eat your soul!" I threaten quickly, avoiding going into a monologue.

"Not this time, Malideus. This time, you won't be deceiving anyone. You will remain down here, and there are no keys, and no guards, just you and that chair." Twilight finally explains, but I honestly can't find a fuck to give anymore. Well, they beat me, so there. Like I said many times before, I am many things, but a coward is not one of them. Although, honestly, I do feel that this is kind of a fucked-up way to end a story. Jeez, what I wouldn't give to get out of these binds, at the very least... Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by a sharp twinge of pain where the wires were planted, but I ultimately don't give any signs of being affected. Give a bitch an inch, and she'll give you a mile, so I give her nothing. She doesn't seem to notice my lack of action, though, and is staring intently at her machine's screen, her face turning from an expression of curiosity into one of horror, which really confuses me. Surely my aura isn't THAT horrifying... is it?

"This is absurd... I haven't seen something this crazy and mismatched in years!" Twilight finally says after some silence, and she finally turns the machine off, allowing me to relax and breathe. God, that actually hurt, kind of... And through my armor, no less! But before I could say anything about the ordeal, Twilight walks over to me, and begins removing the wires she attached to me. Then, she says something that chills me to the bones, and definitely spikes my blood pressure:

"Alright, skip the physical. We're going to try something else." Twilight says, causing me to jump.

"What, did you find something ELSE you can't figure out, you over-reactive shut-in?" I sneer, and Twilight glares at me, but ultimately does nothing.

"Well... it seems your aura is a peaceful one, but your behavior indicates otherwise. On that note, I want to see what goes on in that head of yours, which is why I'm going to stimulate a few parts of your brain, so I can see what's being blocked off, or actively over-stimulated." Twilight explains, and I begin to cringe at the thought of how painful this was going to be. Besides, what if she poked the part of me that caused me to berserk again? If I go through that, I may never come out of it, and that thought scares me: trapped in unconsciousness, while my body, which likely has mutated at that point, goes on a massive rampage. Yeah, no thanks.

"Yeah, how 'bout no." I say simply, moving my head away from the crazy anthropomorphic alicorn.

"You act like you have a choice. I'm going to remove your helmet anyway, so let's just get this over with, you know, for science." Twilight says, reaching for my helmet, but I move it further away from her, and she growls irritably as she reaches again, but I quickly move it beyond her reach again, infuriating the nerdy princess as she moves around the chair in a futile attempt to catch my elusive head. However, my skills in all things evasive prevent her from catching my helmet, and she quickly gives up trying to catch it.

"Are you done, princess?" I taunt, smirking beneath my helmet. Twilight, however, glares daggers at me, then sighs, and starts smiling herself.

"I was hoping we could be civil about this, but it seems you have forced my hand." Twilight says, and an aura appears around my head, causing the helmet to levitate up, and I quickly go into panic mode, screaming as I kick my legs so hard, my chair falls backwards and interrupts her spell, much to her chagrin.

"Graah! Stop being so childish!" Twilight says, going around to get my helmet off my head, and I naturally retort.

"I'M being childish?! What the hell is your obsession with seeing my face?!" I cry, still trying to keep my head away from Twilight.

"Just... hold... still!" Twilight demands, climbing on top of me to reach my helmet. Then, just as she's about to pull it off, I use both my legs to lift her up, and then I kick her to the other side of the room.

"Ha! Suck it, Twit-Light! No one parts me with my attire!" I proclaim triumphantly, but I'm currently strapped to a tipped-over chair, so it doesn't really look as triumphant as it feels. Even so, Twilight gets up, definitely not happy, and starts stalking toward me, huffing and puffing. Uh oh.

"That's IT! You're DEAD!" Twilight exclaims, charging a magic bolt, and I suddenly get a brilliant idea: If this bolt does what I think it does, then all I need to do is tilt my chair over me, and I'm free. So, without delay, I flip myself over so the chair is between me and princess psychopath, and before she can stop herself, the spell is cast, and the chair explodes, releasing me from confinement, and causing Twilight to freeze, and blush heavily in embarrassment at her blunder. So, naturally, I take the opportunity presented to me to wreck this bitch's shit for good. I may not have magic, but I have armor and hand-to-face skills, which will do just fine for me right now.

"Should've left me alone... Now you're gonna pay." I threaten, cracking my knuckles.

"You... you don't have any real magic! You can't hurt me!" Twilight stammers, backing away. Clearly, she's still afraid of me, despite me having "no magic".

"Obviously, since you stole my staff. However, I can still crush your skull between my legs, and there's nothing you can do to stop me this time." I say, and Twilight takes exception to this statement, charging a bolt and casting it at me. However, I quickly dodge to the left, then rush the princess low, tackling her legs. Then, while she's down, I lift her up by the legs, spin her around a couple of times, then throw her into one of her various machines, destroying it in the process. I stay there for a bit to catch my breath, but as soon as I turn to leave, I hear a loud groan, and I see Twilight get right back up, and climb out of the wreckage to stop me. But, 'tis in vain, for as soon as she gets up, I pick up a piece of metal from the crushed machine, inspect it for imperfections, and quickly throw it at her fat head as hard as I can, and it hits her with a solid 'thump', knocking her right back out.

"Weak... Well, see you later, scrub." I say, walking out the door to the basement, and into the main room of the house, which must've been lent to Twilight after I took over Ponyville and burned her old one down. So, I walk into the main room, expecting to find my staff somewhere up here, but as much as I search, I can't find it, enraging me greatly. In fact, I almost go down there to extract the whereabouts of my staff from Twilight via torture of the most painful varieties, but the door opening interrupts me, and in walks Twilight's lackeys, all looking surprised, and another giant, armored figure. I don't know who this chump is, but he doesn't look happy to see me, either. Aw, hell...

"M-Malideus!!!" the Mane Six (sans one) cry, pointing at me, and the armored figure grunts, stepping between me and the ponies, and pointing his giant axe at me.

"Don't worry, girls! I got this guy!" the warrior says, and before I can react, he swings his axe high, forcing me to duck, and I quickly get up and roll between his legs, getting behind him. Unfortunately, this puts me in front of five terrified ponies, who leap to grab me, and manage to each grab a peice of me in an attempt to weigh me down, but they forget: Though my staff is gone, I still retain some of my stolen power. So, using this knowledge, I electrocute my own body, zapping the five mares, and they let me go, falling to the floor in a twitching fit. Unfortunately, the giant mass of armor has turned around, and he swings his axe again, catching me in the side and throwing me into a wall, which I'm practically embedded in at this point. Well, so much for a quick escape.

"Alright, punk, now I'm gonna end you, right here, right now! This is the end of you, Malideus!" The figure exclaims, prepping his axe for one last swing. But, that warrior's voice... I know that voice! Ohhh... but where..? At last, before he strikes me, I speak, causing him to stop mid-swing:

"That voice... You sound so familiar..." I croak, and the armored figure freezes up, and seems to look at me inquisitively, cocking his head to the side as he analyzes me.

"... Yeah... You too..." He says, lowering his axe. As he inspects me, I manage to wriggle my self free, and the shocked interloper stiffens, then readies his axe again, but I dodge to the side before he can use the massive weapon, and I quickly pick up the nearest unconscious pony and throw her at him, not paying attention to who it was, and that buys me enough time to kick the door down and run, as the iron giant's catching the thrown pony to prevent any harm from befalling her. Hmph, stupid heroes. So, that done, I make my daring escape into the streets, and everyone breaks into a blind panic upon seeing me, and the masses trample each other in an attempt to get away from me, leaving me in the open for anyone to find, which, surprise surprise, actually happens. First, I hear the stomping of metal boots, and then I see him, the metal behemoth, rushing toward me through the crowd. I can't take him as I am now, so I quickly evade him, running through the streets away from the warrior in a blind rush, and I try to make my way outside of the city again. But Celestia's guards have other plans, and I stop as a blockade sets up at the end of the street, forcing me to turn the other way... except that the other way only yields a giant, hulking mass of metal that is charging at me with the intention of taking my head off.

"Aww, hell..." I mutter, looking at the rock and the hard place I'm stuck between. I don't have a lot of time to think... but I work best under pressure anyway, so let's see what I can come up with now...

Author's Note

Yeah, this wasn't my favorite chapter of all time, but to make it up to you all, here's some more useless knowledge on some more (possibly) irrelevant old gods!

N'Wahlgath: 'New' old god of fear and patron of all things abominable and eldritch. Despite his charge, however, he is an agreeable deity, and is a known ally of Kherrie, though he despises Klein for obvious reasons. N'Wahlgath has many forms he takes, but prefers to appear in the form of a giant, demonic centipede-like demon.

Su-Bak-Na: Old god of evil and deceit. One of the most jealous, conniving, and influential old gods, he is one of the only original old gods to achieve immortality, and had done so by tricking Ragnek, the old god of endings, into granting the coveted power of eternal life to him alone. Afterward, he betrayed Ragnek by aiding the other old gods in trying to defeat him. He hasn't been seen or heard from in millenia, so his preferred form and whereabouts are unknown, though it is rumored that when Ragnek was banished to Tartarus, he dragged Su-Bak-Na with him to his fiery prison.

Yaw-Gammoth: 'New' old god of war and strength, and direct descendant of Kiv, old goddess of darkness and shadows. Though he often assumes the form of a heavily-armored male humanoid, much like Tyrranax, he has a fiery passion for the female gender, and often plays the role of 'heroic white knight' just to get into the pants of various unsuspecting damsels. Hey, a guy's gotta have goals, immortal or not.

Liam-Na: 'New' old goddess of passion, lust, and hate, descended from Keenok, old god of misfortune. Liam-Na, in her youth, was a rebellious and rambunctious child, though she always sought to please her father by assisting him in his charges, using her natural feminine wiles to captivate others into situations they could not get out of. Eventually, this became her charge in itself; seducing mortals and causing false emotions such as lust and infatuation to spread among them. Her form varies, though it is always sexual in some way, for obvious reasons. Liam-Na hates Kherrie, Yaw-Gammoth, Klein, and Tyrranax, but always allies herself with Keenok, Kragda-Maul, and Goblada.

Goblada: Old god of stone and earth, he presides over mountains. He often appears to mortals as a giant stone golem, enjoys riddles, and despises the races for attempting to harness his elements. He and Celestia have scrapped once when she was but a filly, and she almost died that day, leaving her unable to even mention his name, which is said to call upon the wrath of the mountains and caves when said out loud. He has taken a special interest in Malideus's ideals, and is currently pending whether to actually help him or not. He is Allies with Klein and Kherrie, but direct enemies with Luft, Goddess of the wind.

Klein: Old god of order and laws. Klein is an unusual old god, for he seems to actively transcend all physical and spiritual laws, even those he has laid out himself, making him a virtual god among old gods. This ability to go beyond planar laws also has passed onto his two children, Moebius, 'new' old god of singularities and permanence, and Nielk, 'new' old goddess of laws and order. He is quite uptight, and though he knows his end is soon, he has full confidence in his children, and retains his vigilance of the quantum order even in his relatively old age. He appears as a large, crystalline humanoid composed of quartz, and has many enemies and few allies. He sees Malideus as an affront to his domain, and seeks to dispose of him as soon as possible. His children also share these views, and seek to take active approach as soon as possible.

Gotag-Maw: 'New' old god of consumption and predation. Descended from Luft, He often appears as a large, armored beast of sorts, and enjoys hunting, killing, and eating, despite his mother's protest of such a thing outside of necessity. He is in an odd friend/enemy relationship with Kherrie, and has actively flirted with her more than once, though she never showed any interest. This has led him to become a rather persistent hunter, and a bit of a misogynist. He sees mortals, including Princesses Celestia and Luna, as little more than food, but sees Malideus as a slight exception, a predator second to him, and respects him as such. He is undecided on whether to aid the overlord-to-be or not.

So, there's your lore. If you wanna add to it, put 'em in the comments.

So, will Malideus escape this one intact? Will Celestia figure out who 'The Narrator' is? Will I ever stop asking YOU these questions?

...

Probably not. Later, heathens.

Ch.28: Pursuit of death, pt.2: It's like a league, a league of villains!

Let's start this off from Celestia's point of veiw...

For the first time in my life, I don't know what to think anymore. This has never happened to me before, to any of us. In all my years of being a princess over this beautiful nation, I've never met an enemy that I couldn't fix or send away. One by one, many have come in my long years, and that many have fallen, to either me or my champions... all but one; Malideus. This one being, not anything of this world, I'm sure, came and trashed every illusion of hope I'd ever had that good exists in all living things, somewhere. But him... every offer I'd made him, every time I'd offered to save him, he'd always laughed and spit in my face every time. I want to believe that there is nothing good in him, only horrible, empty void... but I can't. I don't really know ANYTHING about him, except he wants to be evil, if only for evil's sake. But he was possessed by 'The Narrator' before, and I don't know if it's him or it anymore.

Alas, I don't know, but what I do know is that because of him, me and my sister are both in bed, recovering from several broken bones, and thankfully nothing worse. To think that I would be such a fool, though... I simply can't defeat Malideus, no matter what I do. But... I have to try, somehow. I have to find his weakness, for I know he has one; I've seen it before. He has a strange attachment to his allies, one anyone could exploit. He has used hostages before, I know, but I don't know how he'll react to having one of his own being taken hostage themselves, seeing as he turned into a monster when I stole his staff. But, if it means defeating him, then I have to hit where he's weakest, even if I end up dead myself.

Suddenly, breaking me from my lament, the element bearers walk into my room, looking like they'd done something horrible. And who can blame them? They lost Malideus, just when they thought they had him. I'd feel like they did, too, in their position.

"Princess? We just came to check on you." Twilight says, looking a bit ragged. But, I still put on a smile to comfort them, and reply:

"I am well, Twilight. Please, speak what troubles you." I say, and Twilight suddenly looks surprised.

"W-what? Um, Nothing's troubling me, princess! It... It's just..." She stammers, so I finish her thought for her.

"It's about your trouble with Malideus, isn't it?" I ask, and Twilight looks me in the eye for a second, absolute fear present in them, and then she falters, looking to the floor.

"It... it is. I hoped we could catch him... but I don't know what we're going to do. He keeps... escaping! He beats us at every turn, he kills without remorse, and he uses magic worse than ours! How can we beat an enemy that we can't even match with our elements?" Twilight asks me, and, for the first time in my long, long life, I don't have an answer. All my time as ruler of this land, I've relied on the Elements of Harmony to protect us, perhaps a little too heavily. But, to be fair, no other enemy we faced ever posed the same kind of threat to us as Malideus did: The others simply wanted to rule us. Malideus wants to destroy us. But, I know, if not how to defeat him, at least how to subdue him.

"... Twilight, I don't know how we can truly defeat him, this is true. Malideus is powerful, surpassing even us in his strength. But, I know how we can at least stop him." I say, developing a plan in my mind. At this, the six perk up, and Twilight is first to react.

"You have a plan, then?" Twilight asks excitedly, and I can't help but smile: just as hopeful as when she was but a filly.

"Yes, I have an idea, but it requires patience: we can't execute it until Malideus has opened himself up. Go and wait, I will have spies overlooking his hideaway. When Malideus makes a single error, I will send you six and Nathan, and I assure that it will be his last." I say, and the six are hence dismissed, though I will see to it that they get the revenge they so crave. Malideus... I don't know what is causing your insanity, nor do I care. But I will put an end to it soon, and on that day, your fate will be sealed.

And so, we return to Malideus' perspective

I was furious at this... this travesty! No, furious is an understatement... I'll think of a good word later. But right now, I'm so far beyond angry at these two right here, I'm going to likely kill them!

"You fucks would DARE betray me after all I've done for you!?" I scream, gripping Xenia and Flitterfeather's scrawny necks. Immediately, Flitterfeather, like the coward he is, panics and tries to worm his way out of my wrath.

"Sir, please understand! He... he had a sword to my throat, practically! He was going to kill me if I didn't do it! What was I supposed to do!?" Flitterfeather asks, further angering me.

"Have a spine, that's what! You doing what he said only delayed the inevitable! Now, I'm going to feed you BOTH to Gondon!" I yell, and Gondon perks up at the sound of me threatening to feed someone to him, smiling like a maniac. Flitterfeather, at this point, had stopped talking, and Xenia now spoke up, eager to convince me to put them down.

"Wait, b-boss... You can't kill us..." She says, and I tighten my grip around her throat.

"And why not?" I ask coldly.

"Be-because... you need us... to get inside...!" Xenia finally says, and I loosen my grip on her, but do not let go.

"No I don't. Now, you both have fucked up SOOOO royally, I can't even look at you two without wanting to puke. So, here's what's going to happen. You're going to die here, and I'm going to bash Stargazer's face in with a rock. Well, it's been nice knowing you two, but here, our roads part. Any last words, scum?" I ask, my voice full of ill-concealed bitterness. Finally, Flitterfeather begins to struggle, and he speaks:

"He set several traps for you, sir! Xenia knows where they are, and I saw a few myself right around here! You need us to get through!" Flitterfeather cries, and I almost snap his neck for his cowardice, but I refrain, seeing that it would do little good. So, I release him, throwing him coughing and sputtering to the dirt, but still keeping my stranglehold on Xenia.

"You make me sick, both of you... But if what you're talking about is true, then I guess I can't kill you yet, as you're the only two stupid enough to come to ME. So, you tell me where they are, and I don't tear your innards out with a rusty fork. Got it?" I ask, and Flitterfeather rapidly nods his head, and Xenia stops struggling, finally.

"Wait, what about me!?" She asks, clearly scared.

"What about you? You took potshots at me, and half-blinded my newest recruit, and now you expect me to forgive you?... Tell you what: I'll let you go, Xenia, but if I EVER see you again, I will feed your upper half to Gondon, and let the devils have a ball with your lower half. Got it?" I ask, and before Xenia can answer, I drop her, pick up Flitter by the throat, and shove him toward the cave. "Lead the way." I tell him, and soon, we're off.

Three hours have passed, and still we're walking, Flitterfeather just going this way and that, as if avoiding someone. Well, the 'who' doesn't require much thought, nor does the 'why'. But still, we're nowhere near the cave. Hell, I don't know WHERE we are.

"Flitter, you'd better be going the right way." I say, cracking my knuckles subconsciously, and Flitterfeather gulps, but keeps walking.

"The t-traps Stargazer set pretty much surround the cave everywhere, but one way... w-we're almost..." Flitterfeather tried to speak, but soon, a giant, black something crashed through the trees, and he squawked once, then ran for his miserable life, probably thinking I'd set off a trap. Well, he's gone, and all I see in this clearing is a boulder, a tree, and a space chunk that fell here for no reason. So, seeing nothing better to do, I approach it, my curiosity slowly growing the closer I get to it.

"Well, this is new... What is it you've got here, Stargazer..?" I ask, approaching the dark mass, which I now recognize as some kind of stone, but almost pitch-black, and it looks metamorphic, like granite, but the fractures indicate sedimentary composure... Hey, so what if I took geology in high school? Don't judge me! Anyway, so, I see this thing, and, as if on instinct, I pick it up. But right then, Kinua speaks up.

"Hey, Boss, are you sure you want to be picking up random stuff from the sky, especially after all these traps Stargazer had laying around for us?" She says, but I ignore her, weighing the stone in my hand and examining it. I saw no traces of burning, so coming from space wouldn't have been an option, had I not seen the writing:

It was... well, odd was an understatement, really. It looked so familiar, but so... alien. This thing, whatever it was, had to be from space, or something.

"Boss?" Kinua inquired again, breaking my concentration. Suddenly, though, I got another idea: If this rock wasn't from space, surely Kinua, being as old as she is (despite looking like a 15-year-old) would know what it is.

"Kinua, you're old, right? You know what this is?" I ask, holding the rock to her, whereupon she snatches it from me, obviously miffed at me for calling her 'old', and examines it thoroughly. "Hey, what are you doing? Give that back!" I then cry, trying to reclaim the rock. I already had plans for it! Plans involving Stargazer's face and the stone's bulk being shoved into it at terminal velocity!

"Back off, Mal, I'm still looking! It's got some kind of writing on it..." She says, and, despite the oddness of it all, I find myself getting pissed at her for simply having the rock instead of me.

"It probably says "you're a faggot"! Now give it back!" I yell, ready to destroy this impetuous little... wait, was I seriously just thinking of destroying Kinua over a dumb rock? However, soon after I realize my error, Kinua does, too.

"Fuck off, Mal! I saw it... wait, are seriously fighting over a dumb rock?" She asks, and I shake my head clear, and glance at the stone once more.

"Man, what is up with this thing?" I ask, confused. "It's like I want it, but just looking at it makes me pissed." I finish, and Kinua blinks, horrified at her own outburst. Suddenly, without any warning Gondon rumbles quietly, then points to a tree, and speaks.

"Maybe... You should ask that child... Over there." He says slowly in his tired, drawling voice, and I look over to where he's pointing, but I find nothing.

"Uh… Are you sure there’s someone over there, Gondon? All I see is a couple rocks and a tree.” Kinua finally says, and I squint, seeing a shadow, but a faint one. Is that... have we been followed?! By Gwyn, we have! It's a trap!

"Hold up, Kinua. That tree over there. Gondon, shoot it down!” I command, and Gondon, almost instinctively, opens his massive, trapinch-like jaws, unhinging them, and the familiar blue glow of a building laser begins to light up deep in his throat.

"No." I hear a small, but terrifying, voice say, and Gondon suddenly shuts his mouth as he falls to the ground, pressed to it like a beached whale, which I would have laughed at if I wasn't ready to piss myself in terror.

"Fat guy, you’re being subjected to twenty times this planet’s gravity. I could increase it, but, well, I don’t want bits of demon all over me.” The voice says again, and I see a small hand, palm flat and out, come out from behind the tree, and then, the whole freakshow appears, revealing... a kid? A HUMAN kid?! WITH MAGIC!?!? Well, this is certainly the wierdest thing ever, but not the scariest, not by a long-shot. So, I then put my hands out, and try to reason with the boy, before he crushes my replacement for Razmatozs.

"Woah, woah, easy, kid. Let the ham-beast go, I kinda need him.” I say slowly, pointing to Gondon, who, once again, has fallen asleep, despite being crushed by his own fat. Suddenly, the kid smiles, and I cringe as he speaks, Malice evident in his voice.

“Very poor choice of words, but I’ll humour you, little shadow.” The kid says, and Gondon seems to have at least been released, but the kid immediately looks at me... and I'm hoisted ten feet into the air by my own armor! Oh god, Stargazer sent a demon baby after me! Ignoring my fear, though, the thing speaks again, as if entertained by my misery.

“Magnetism; you’re wearing way too much metal.” He says, and with my confidence gone, I cry out:

“CRAP! Demon baby! Kinua, help your boss!” Anyway, Kinua looks ready to help, but one look at the demon baby, and she threw her hands up, and backed away. Coward. Before I could reprimand her, however, the little hellspawn spoke again, further cementing my fear of it.

“Demon baby? I’m a toddler, little shadow.” It says, raising an eyebrow, and I immediately go for my Deus ex Machina, without so much as a second thought.

"GOBLADA!" I shout at the top of my lungs, and as expected, a mass of dark, stone blades erupt from the ground, and all of them stop short of the 'toddler', causing a mild look of worry to appear in his face. Finally, the thing acknowledges me, and begins to start one hell of a speech.

“Well, this was fun and all. Now, for the sake of getting this little cliche over with, allow me to introduce myself.” It says, and with that, it's skin started to boil and bubble like a witch's cauldron, and though I may have seemed stoic, I was ready to scream. Hell, even miss Doom-and-Gloom, Kinua, looked ready to throw up. Clearly, she wasn't used to watching demon toddlers transform. Then again, neither was I.

“I am the Makuta.” It said at last, and at that, it tore it's face... it's OWN FACE, off of itself, revealing the face of the ugliest bug I'd ever seen in my life. Really, it was nasty. Like, cockroaches-in-the-pantry nasty. The thing was pitch-black, with glowing red eyes, and no mouth or anything to speak with. But still, it talked. And so, with that, I replied with my wittiest retort to date:

"What... The... Fuck..?" I muttered. Yep, that was it. That was, in fairness, all that needed to be said. What the fuck, that was it. This thing was basically a monster in a child's skin, and that alone was enough to terrify me. But still, this only seemed to amuse the thing before me, and it talks again, in a REALLY deep-but-cultured voice, like a fancy earthquake.

“I am the Emperor of Shadows. All other beings of Darkness do not understand. I am not a manipulator of shadows.” It said, and as if on que, the little toddler body explodes, revealing... well, a robot! Like, a really big, scary, evil robot! Gunmetal grey, pitch black, red undertones, all coloring this tall, bulky, horrifying monstrosity that held some kind of bident, and looked like something from one of those Japanese animes. Oh god, Bolas, save me!

“I am shadows. I am fear. I am anger. And I… am nothing.” He says, and I don't know what the other two did (I think Kinua passed out), but I Farted out of fear. Yeah, I did that. It was that freaking scary. I mean, I was pretty sure that this guy was going to kill me, you tell me you wouldn't have reacted like that. But afterward, I regained my bearings, and I replenished my faith in the sun and Lord Bolas, giving me the strength to speak and try diplomacy this time.

"Eh… Cool, I guess. Can you put me down now, mister Makuta? I kinda don’t like heights, and you are really… you know, I’ll just stop at ‘put me down, please’.” I say, and the one called 'Makuta' seemed surprised at me for saying that, and both his eyes turned blue, for... some reason.

“Put you down, please? That’s very polite, little shadow.” It said, and I suddenly found myself on the ground, dropped like a sack of potatoes. “As you’ve found my Makuta stone, I am obliged to help you, fellow human.” The Makuta said, and I suddenly stopped, looking at him, and I find myself... very confused at his choice of words. 'Human'? Since when did humans look like THAT? Still, I felt I had to ask, at least, despite that horrifying ordeal only moments before.

“Wait… You? Human? No offence, guy, but you look more like a bionicle reject than a human…” I say, and Makuta... seems to take exception to that, but still let me live, and even begins explaining things to me:

“Oh, little shadow, I am NOT a Bionicle reject. In fact, I have taken the form of the main villain of Bionicle, Makuta. But I was once a man.” An illusion then pops into existence, of a rather skinny human boy finding the mask he wore, putting it on, and then going to Equestria. Well, that is odd... he made one hell of a transformation. I wonder... is that going to happen to me!? I certainly hope not.

“I fought the sisters, and at my final battle, I was imprisoned in Tartarus, a prison designed for me. I was still a man then.” He says, and I soon find all my suspicions quelled, but I still find myself having questions. I mean, I'm talking to a BIONICLE for crying out loud: Who wouldn't have some questions, you know? So, I ask away.

“Yeah, great story and all, but what does this have to do with your Makuta stones and why YOU are in MY world?” I ask, slightly suspicious. Yeah, he may seem friendly enough (That's debatable), but a lot of invaders pretend to be friendly, and you let one thing slip, then BAM! You're dead, and your humanity's gone. All of it. And this guy looks like he wants some. I mean, he's wearing a mask, he's obviously hiding something. But, nonetheless, he answers my question graciously.

“Invading?” Another eye turning blue. “I did not invade, I came because, well, you touched the Makuta stone. It’s an ancient stone, imbued with my dark aura of anger. Oh, and when my eye turns blue, it’s me raising an eyebrow, in case you were curious.” He says, and I'm confused at first, but then I realize: I thought he was an invader, but never said it! Oh boy, he reads minds now. Fucking wonderful. Can this guy GET any cheaper?

“As for your world… well, you were the first to touch it. And yes, I can get cheaper.” He says, and I immediately get the message: Stop thinking. Unfortunately, I have yet to implement it yet, seeing as I was too terrified to talk directly to this ugly bug. Crap, I hope he didn't hear that.

“Well, that’s kinda cool… but if you’re the ‘god of all black and evil and death’, then why are you helping me? I’m just your everyday warlording wizard, I’m a dime a dozen. Why help me?” I say, hoping to lure him into... something. Ah, I'll think of the word later, for now, I just need to get him to not think me a threat, so he doesn't kill me. As for his offer... I think I could have use of him, if he's telling the truth. I mean, Tobi and Yoshiasswipe helped me, despite my motives... even though they traumatized me afterward.

“First, the word you’re looking for is ‘submission.’ Second, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a fellow human being… a very long time. And isn’t it an instinct of our species, to help each other out when we really need it?” Okay, that got me off-guard. First, he fucking read my mind AGAIN, and second, he was right, I'd just kinda detached myself from the rest of humanity, seeing as I'd become something... else. But still, he was right. Besides, I made WAY too many enemies for anyone else to randomly want to help me, what, with all the people I mindlessly murdered. But hey, maybe he’s into that… or she. I might have to ask that...

“I’m a guy. Couldn’t you tell from the illusions?” i chuckle at his silliness. “You must understand, Malideus. In this form of Makuta, I am simply… well, I hate to use the term, but I’ve evolved into this form. I was powerful before, but in this form… I am, not to brag too much, on terms with a physical god.” Images of his evolution process appear. Pictures of gears appearing under his skin, patches of skin turning to metal, an inside view of his body turning into mist within a shell of armour… yeah, interution and mind-reading aside, that vision alone may have scarred me on par with Yoshmitsu and Tobi. That was nasty. But, that answered my unasked question, so I ask one I actually want to hear:

“Alright, you answered that for me… a bit too much info, but whatever, the more I know, the better. But, what I want to know is this: Despite all you know about me, you still seem like you want to help me out… why? What’s your angle, robot?” I ask with a reasonable level of suspicion, absolutely no Impetuousness. And lo, ask, and you shall receive.

“It’s one of my powers, little shadow. How about a taste of fear?” He says, and he points a finger at me, making me uncomfortable. Uh oh. Before I can even put up a mental defense, though, I suddenly am face-to-face with my worst fears, from towers, to the undead, to Yoshimitsu and Tobi. Yes, I have a phobia of those two now, lay off. Anyway, Makuta seems confused by this, and I don't know what I did, but everyone's giving me funny looks. What did I do?

“Enough.” He says, and like that, it stops. “Too much fear and your heart might have stopped.” He finishes, and I finally feel my mind become unclouded from lack of oxygen (was I screaming?), and I look around, at the odd looks. Man, to use this level of fear as a weapon... maybe he's as bad as me, maybe worse. But then again, how much worse could he be? Last I checked (dunno from WHERE, exactly), Makuta Terridax got his head crushed by a piece of planet HE destroyed, thanks to fate. As for me, I'm fateless, so I'm immune to inconveniences like that. I just... wait, he isn't listening to my thoughts, is he!? Quick, abort thought train! Think of kittens!

“I may have assumed his name, little shadow, but I am not Teridax. Though I am just as intelligent, as cunning, as black-hearted, I am not he.” Makuta says, and before I know it, I'm in the stratosphere for some reason. Okay, he wasn't kidding about the whole 'on par with a god' thing. Suddenly, I heard his voice, despite him being miles below me.

“Little shadow, I have a thousand ways to kill you for that thought, and 941 of them hurt.” Makuta says, and suddenly, I'm falling, then rising, then falling... and then I'm sick. Is this one of those ways he intended to kill me? If so, it's working. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he finally stopped, and he dropped me like a sack of rocks, from a foot or two in the air. Dizzy and humiliated, and understandably traumatized, I make my response to his display of power.

"“Ai’ight, You made your point… uh, Teridax, was it? Or do I just call you Makuta?" I ask, not willing to make enemies with this guy. But before I can make any more snide remarks, Makuta slumps to the ground, and starts Idly doodling. Oh, what did I do this time?

“Call me what you wish, little shadow. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything much anymore. Four thousand years alive, and a brat like you has to be uppity… I tell you, right now I just don’t care.” Makuta says, and I begin to feel... bad. Guilty, even. Wait, is this guy manipulating emotions?! I want to ask, but I'm afraid I'll break him further, and I remain silent. But nonetheless, he replies to my thoughts, which is annoying as fuck, but whatever.

“I can’t control guilt, little shadow. Now, you have a problem. It’s in the back of your mind, and I could access it, but I would rather not risk you becoming a mentally retarded moron, or simply a vegetable.” he says, and I shrug. Finally, we're at the job... I thought the violent introduction would never end.

“Well, you’re right… and I thank you for not turning me into a vegetable, by the way. As for my… plight, as it were, I have a slight… uprising in my ranks. But, you seem like a… trustworthy-ish guy, so I’ll probably need some help from you… If you’re cool with killing a bunch of usurping, traitorous criminal scum, that is.” I say to get his attention, and lo and behold, it works, seeing as he jumped at that opportunity like Gondon at a squirrel. Finally, after jumping up, he responded.

“It’s been a while since I’ve had a fight… hang on.” he turned to a tree and scowled. “JARVIS! Come out where the nice wizard can see you.” He says, and I instinctively stare where he's looking, wondering who 'Jarvis' is... and a freaking leech the length of my arm appears! Oh god, what kind of minions does this guy have!? suddenly, Makuta spoke up, jerking a thumb at me

“You, stick with him. I’m not dealing with your annoying British butler attitude.” He says, and I'm confused to what the little thing is saying, because I can't hear it, but I cringe at the thought of that thing following me... but I quickly can the thought, worried that it, too, could read minds. Then, before I could blink, another portal appeared, and I instinctively flinched, thinking that another emissary from another universe was invading, but alas, Makuta simply opened another portal, and reached through it, and suddenly, he yelled:

“LEERAHK, GUURAHK, PANRAHK! GET IN HERE!” Makuta shouted, and three different... things... leaped through the space-time vortex: One blue, one green, one brown, and all of them hunched, ugly, and looking like giant praying mantises with hands and different staffs... so, tribal mantises. Still, I suppress the thought, since I don't want to be destroyed before I can smash Stargazer's face in with Makuta's stone.

“Accompany Malideus, ensure that he doesn’t kill himself while I deal with his uprising.” Makuta says, and I get steamed quickly. Okay, I can put up with portals, weird-ass servants, and snarkyness, I played Morrowind, I beat Daggoth-Ur. But when you get all 'smarter-than-thou' with me, that's where I can play, too. But, I remain silent, and Makuta raises his staff.

"Do me proud, boys, do me proud." He says, and then, after a brief 'lead the way' moment, we're off. Well shit, I forgot about the traps!... eh, Makuta can handle himself. He is a god, after all.

Later...

So, we are nearing the cave, when suddenly, Makuta stops me, and begins to ask me something I have a hard time answering.

“Tell me, any of your minions good at perceiving things at high speed? Like, near the speed of sound?” He asks, and I try to think of a snarky answer, but I suddenly remember not to, and go with a simple one instead.

“Only one I can think of is Mizzy, that girl can see anything, I bet… That, or at least Otsuna… Maybe Kherrie, but I’ve never tested that. Why?” I ask, and I can feel the gears turning in Makuta's head (so to speak), and he asks one other question.

“Loyal?” He asks.

"Mizzy’s pretty loyal still, Kherrie and Crush are too, Oh, and Hezafen. But I would not try going after him, anyway: I tested it: dude’s pretty much immune to godmodding… er, magic and stuff. Just don’t hit them, and you should be fine.” I say, getting a bad feeling that he was looking for people to absorb, or something. Hopefully, I wasn't on that list. Thankfully, he seemed to abandon the thought, and he called to his bug-looking minions:

“Guurahk, Panrahk, Leerahk. New mission: kill anything other than ourselves that tries to leave the caves.” He commands, and I get a bad feeling, suddenly: Where was Kherrie? She's always outside, with Hezafen... Could they be..? I have to check. But before I can, Makuta grabs me, and we suddenly fly into the wall of the cave, and I'm not dead. #2weird4me!!!!

“Huh… Agh, what was that?! Did you put something else into my head!?” I cry, remembering the two chucklefucks and how they 'helped' me.

“Relax; we’re in your hide-out. The wall, to be precise. One of them.” Makuta says, but contrary to his advise, I do NOT relax.

“The WALL!? What are you trying to do, sneak up on them? Thats… actually not a bad plan. But how the heck are you doing this? It took me months to master minor teleporting, and you’re doing it at the snap of a finger!” I say, completely dumbfounded. Then, I remembered: virtual god.

“Teleportation and Intangibility. And for HOW, I’ve had four thousand years of practice.” Makuta corrects, and I still stare at him, out of it. “Now, tell me which ones are loyal to you.” He says, and I snap out of my stupor, and reply with another witty, but relevant, remark:

“Simple: I’ll just walk in there, and you follow me. If they attack you, destroy them, if not… leave them to me, I’ll deal with them myself. You think you can handle that?” I said, eyeing him suspiciously. What? I still don't trust him not to absorb me. Still, we burst out of the wall, ready to fight any adversary. The only problem with that?
There are none. None at all. Everyone's... gone, even Stargazer.

Where did he take everyone?

“Huh..? Where… Wait, I hear fighting…” I say, and even Makuta listens in, and sure as hell, fighting was heard, metal against wood and flesh, and Gondon just ate someone. Yes, I can distinguish that sound, and if you ever heard him eat, you would too. but other than that, the other sounds are completely foreign to me. “Hey, Makuta, what do those… things of yours sound like when they fight?” I ask, and Makuta's air turns grim as he turns toward the noise.

“That is them winning, my friend. Hopefully, they won’t damage your friends too much. Panrahk is the Fragmenter, capable of demolishing most of a town. Guurahk is the Disintegrator, reducing to dust any opponent. And Leerahk is the Poisoner, who lacks in close range but possesses a highly potent poison.” Makuta says, and I want to believe him, but I had a demon, an overpowered timberwolf, and a super-mage, who I was tempted to leave to Makuta.

“I doubt that. I have a demon, an overpowered wolf, and a freaking super-crazy mage working against me… I think your guys are going to have to wait a while before they…” Suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel a bolt incoming, and I dodge before I see it, and it misses me by inches, shocking both me and Makuta. “Bwaoh, shit!” I cry, and both of us turn to see the traitor himself, Stargazer the royally-fucked, approaching with a definite swagger, like he owns the whole world. Sun and Bolas, what a bitch. Hell, even Makuta is not impressed by him at all, judging by that deep, disapproving frown that I more feel than see. Then, the bitch-lord spoke, his voice all high-and-mighty.

“Well, Malideus, I knew you’d show up sooner or later, but I didn’t think you’d stoop so low as to bring more golems. Honestly, can’t be bothered to fight me without the help of some useless robots?” Stargay-zer says, and honestly, it seems to hurt Makuta more than me. I'm just fine with hiding behind golems, but I don't think Makuta likes being called that. Ooh, he dun goofed now.

“Robots? You mean you survived them.” Makuta says, and I could feel him getting angry. Yes, feel it. It was like standing next to a furnace that happened to exert its own gravity. Suddenly, though, he turned to me, a malicious glint in his red eyes, and I tried to hide the fact that I knew he was mad. I think it worked, seeing as he didn't kill me. “How quick is his perception time, by the way?” Makuta asked, and I found my snark-level breaching normal heights, and I couldn't help what came out of my mouth next:

“He wears giant glasses, you tell me.” I retort, causing Stargazer to flare up, and growl a little before replying himself.

“They’re prescription!” Stargazer says, and I roll my eyes.

"Whatever, Four-eyes." I reply, further angering the traitorous, penis-gobbling scumbag.

“Hmph. One question: wait, no, nevermind.” Makuta suddenly says, and I turn to him, and he seems to have learned something new, that never came up in the brief conversation. Then, he turned to me, and spoke.

“Be thankful that my children were feeling rather cautious around hostages. The hostages are…” he seemed to focus slightly, reconfirming the details in his head. “About a mile thataways.” he then pointed to the northeast, and I felt a mix of relief and unbridled rage and determination sweep over me. How dare they keep hostages without my consent!? And how could my faithful let themselves get captured!? After I kill the jailers, I'm going to start paying my remaining minions, just so I can give them a budget cut.

“Alright, Makuta, You got four-eyes over here. I have other traitors to… discipline.” I say grimly, and I make my way out of the entrance, leaving the two to duke it out themselves. So, I begin my trek, but I stop when I see Gondon sleeping on a flailing Leerahk's legs, and I hit him with a branch to wake him off of the now-damaged robot-bug-thing. "GONDON! Get off that, you whale!" I shout, and Gondon shoots up, looking side to side, and then resting his eyes on me.

"Uh..? Oh, Malideus. I appear to have been knocked out by one of the traitors. Did I land on you by accident?" Gondon asked innocently, and I facepalmed, pointing toward the obviously-in-pain Leerahk, who looked at his legs pitifully. God, Makuta is gonna kill me for this, they look like they got stuck in a meat grinder, but for metal. Damn those spikes on Gondon's back!

"No, you landed on that thing! Listen, I don't have time to yell at you! We have hostages a mile that way, and I'm not walking. You think you can carry me? I'll let you eat some of the guards." I say, and Gondon tiredly nods, picks me up, and puts me on his back. Then, we're off, into the unknown. As we run, though, I hear the scream of a certain unicorn in serious pain, and I immediately get pumped for my encounter with the guards holding the hostages. I was never one to be outdone in terms of inflicting pain, you know. So, within an hour, Gondon's stubby legs have impressed me by rampaging all the way to the place Makuta said, which happened to be... the old castle..? What? Why this place!? I'm pretty sure the ghost of the tree of harmony is still haunting it, but I shake off my fear, and go in, for my faithful! Getting off Gondon's back, I then issue one last order:

"Gondon, tear down the door, and go nuts." I say, and Gondon immediately obeys, and I step in through the hole he made, to see a few of my former workers sitting around a table, playing poker until I busted in. Now, they're sitting around a card-laden table, staring at me in fear; Otsuna, Flitterfeather, and Kitsune, the traitors. Xenia isn't here, though... oh well, glad to see she at least followed THAT order.

"M-Malideus!?" Kitsune asked, and I cracked my knuckles in response.

"Naw, I'm mother-fucking Santa Clause, come to give you all the gift... of PAIN!!!" I say, and thus, I motion Gondon forward, and he moves up, staring at the three with hungry eyes and slightly drooling mouth. "Now, you three have ten seconds to run, and then I'm releasing my companion to hunt you all down and eat you. Any takers?" I ask, but Kitsune and Otsuna (Flitterfeather hides under the table) stand up, and challenge my obvious authority.

"You won't bother! We have hostages, and while you're dealing with us, one of us will run down and kill them!" Kitsune stupidly says, and I point to her with my staff, freezing her legs in place, surprising the fox-like diamond dog.

"Yeah, good luck with that. Now, you want this to be painless or not? If not, then tell me where the hostages are." I say, and Kitsune begins to tremble, but Ontsuna suddenly bolts to a hallway, attracting my attention.

"Get back here! Gondon, keep an eye on these two! If they move, eat them!" I yell, And Gondon nods, staring at Flitterfeather and Kitsune intently, while I hunt down Otsuna. It was a short chase, and I almost caught her once or twice, until we finally reached the old dungeons. Of COURSE they'd hold my faithful here. So, at last, I have Otsuna cornered, but I don't see her. So, I get to freeing my faithful first.

"Alright, come on... I say, jimmying the lock to the biggest cell with my claw, where I assume all the hostages are held. Then, once open, I see that they are. Or maybe not, but I don't bother with role call, I just pile them out, and Mizzy gets a few injured, and hauls them outside, Including Crush, Hezafen and Kherrie, until only Whip remains, looking at me with big, hopeful eyes.

"Thank you, Sir! We thought you'd never-" She says, but I interrupt her.

"Save the cliche' bullshit, Whip, we're not out yet. Come on!" I say, and I take Whip's hand, and I lead her to the dungeon's exit. We almost make it, when, surprise, surprise, Otsuna blocks my way, growling.

"Oh, Bolas above... Get out of my way, mutt, before I throw you into the sun." I command, But Otsuna does not obey, and continues to stalk toward me like a deranged animal.

"No! I was tasked with killing you, Malideus, and I will succeed." Otsuna says, and she then Lunges at me, forcing me to swing my staff to the side, and I knock Otsuna away, slamming her into a wall. Then, instinctively, I aim my staff at her, and before she can get up, I cast a nasty fireball at her, and the Timberwolf explodes into fiery wooden chunks, no longer a threat to me. This disturbs Whip a little, but before she can protest, I grip her hand, and run out into the main lobby with her. Then, once we reach it, we stop, and I don't like what I see. Instead of guarding like I said, Gondon is unconscious, several throwing knives embedded in his hide, and Flitterfeather's neck has been sliced, and he was dead... but not by Gondon. No... this was the work... of a ninja. Suddenly, I hear Whip gasp, and I look up to see where she's pointing: Kitsune, on top of a pillar, holding one big-ass throwing star. Where the fuck did she get that!?

"Malideus... It's over for you! You could have stayed away and lived, but now you've messed it all up. Please, don't take this personally." Kitsune says, raising her giant throwing star, but I make a talking motion with my hand, and she becomes flustered quickly.
"Are... you mocking me?!" Kitsune says, but I roll my eyes, initiating another snarky comment.

"No, it's my ventriloquism act; As soon as I kill you, I'm going to use your severed head as a sock puppet!" I threaten, and I raise my staff at her, ready to punish the traitorous cur for her betrayal. To think I hired her! What an idiot I was...

Kitsune sighed. "You really don't get it, do you? You have more enemies than you think, Malideus. You could have just let it lie, and stayed captured, but now I have to kill you. I liked you as a boss, and this is going to be a bad experience for me, but I have to do this." Kitsune says, and I want to know why, I mean, I REALLY want to know why, but I don't want to hear it anymore. No more cliche, no more betrayal, this ends here!

"Then do it!" I shout, furious. "Fucking kill me, then, you whiny little bitch!" I shout, and Kitsune sighs again, and begins the fight. It wasn't anything notable, really. Dodge this shuriken, avoid that star, nothing I haven't done before, and she looked ready to run out of shurikens and stuff. Clearly, she didn't anticipate a drawn-out battle. So, I dodged, and dodged, but then, Kitsune pulled something cheap: ninja stuff.

"I hoped you'd at least play dead, Malideus, but you're being a nuisance! If this is what you want, though, then have it!" Kitsune exclaims, and before I can ask her what the hell she's talking about, she attaches a tag to one of her throwing knives, and my pupils shrink at the sight of it.

"No..." I mutter, remembering Tobi and Yoshi. Then, as soon as Kitsune throws the tagged knife, I take Whip and take us both out of it's path, whereupon it explodes into more knives, going outward in a circle. Cheap Naruto shit!!!! And as if to further spite me, Kitsune keeps throwing these things, and I keep dodging. She has to run out of these at some point... right? Suddenly, I make a bad dodge, and a throwing knife finally catches the unarmored part of my arm, and grazes the skin, and causes me to stumble, just as she throws another knife, this one with TWO tags instead of one, and I begin to panic. Dammit, I disobeyed ninja rule number one: Never get cocky around a ninja! Anyway, I then tried to dodge it, and it missed me by inches, but not only exploded into knives (which my armor thankfully blocked), but the knives it shot EXPLODED! Like, boom! Fire, shrapnel, the whole nine yards. Damn, these guys really want to get rid of me! So, seeking to end this now, before I fucking die, I aim my staff at Kitsune as she prepares another tagged knife, and prepare to fire another death-bolt.

"This is it for you, Kitsune! You have failed me... for the last time!" I shout, but before I can fire the spell, Kitsune throws her knife, and time slows down as the knife speeds toward me, and I didn't even fire my spell yet. Then, in a single, painful instant, something shoves me out of the way, interrupting my spell, and I turn to see... Whip. She pushed me out of the way, leaving herself in the path of a death-knife. But the worst part was... she was smiling the whole time. Then, time sped back up, the knife contacted her... and she, well, exploded, a pained look on her face the whole time. I felt nothing but emptiness at that point, and I could only watch her lifeless body get flung into a wall. That... pissed me off. I watched, and before I knew it, I was out of it. But unlike last time, it wasn't just darkness. It was like seeing in tunnel vision, and watching it all kinda 'whoosh' by me... but I couldn't remember anything, only a few tidbits, including a laser, Kitsune getting torn in half, and tearing down a wall, but my memory goes blank at that point. All I could do was watch, and think about it.

Finally, some time later, I wake up, not really remembering where I am, or how I got here. Then, though, I see the cave mouth, and I look around, confused, and I see Makuta, looking pretty worn.

"Ooogh… What hit me…? What…? Makuta? What happened here?” I ask, unaware of anything I'd just been through. Nonetheless, he replied to my question, if in a slightly disbelieving tone:

“You turned into a demon thing, remember?” He says, and I look around, unable to remember any of it. A demon-thing? What? Well, even so, I just roll with it, seeing as this has happened to me before.

“Uh… yeah, I think so. But I don’t remember why… Well, no point dwelling on it. Is everyone taken care of?” I ask. Makuta nodded, but his tone turned somber real quickly, and he spoke something I almost dreaded to hear.

“Yes. By the way… you may want to see this.” Makuta says, and that cold, creeping sensation worms up my spine again, and I know something's happened... I just wish I didn't have to be reminded. Then, Makuta shows me what I dreaded most: I thought it was like a horrible, twisted dream from the depths of hell itself, but it wasn't Whip... was dead. Apparently, I'd carried her here while I was... out of it. But I didn't feel angry, for some reason. In fact, I really couldn't feel anything, really. “I’m afraid that she died before I could heal the body. If I’d managed to get there, I might have been able to save her.” I stare at the body, and Makuta awkwardly pats me on the back... but I don't acknowledge. We waited a while, and then Makuta spoke again. “If it’s any consolation, you might not have been able to save her. Now, I think the terms of our agreement are at an end.” Makuta finally said, opening the portal, and his three Rhakshi flew through, though I didn't see how. Makuta then reopened it, preparing to make the jump. But I shot my hand out, grabbing the towering robot's arm and holding him there. A fuckin' ballsy move on my part, but my emotions were a bit... rampant as of now, and my brain's danger centers were out like lights.
Anyway, I then looked at Makuta, thinking things I shouldn't have been thinking, like sorrow and stuff, and said something that, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have said.

“You’re a god, and you couldn’t save her?! Or were you just exaggerating your abilities?” Makuta sighed.

“Malideus, there are some things that even the gods themselves cannot fix.” In that moment, I felt my mind start to slip again, but I grabbed at it, not wanting to go back to that horrible blackness. So, I simply kept talking, as that seemed to keep me sane.

“Why? Why do there have to be these limits on your powers?! Why?!” I yelled in a manly fashion, and I saw that Makuta was looking at me weird, like a parent trying to comfort a kid. As much as I tried to differentiate my self from who I was before all this... I'm still only a teenager, having never really dealt with loss like this. Maybe Makuta wasn't that different. When his bug-minions got hurt, he seemed to get pissed. And Celestia... Man, did she always get pissed. and yet, she won't kill me and be done with it. Was that her motherly instinct, too? Putting a rambunctious child in time-out until it could play nice? I... I need time to think. Almost all my inner circle is dead or gone, and I just really lost here, even though the victory was mine. Suddenly, with a wave of Makuta's hand, a large chunk of earth was torn out. He then moved Whip's body in, clumsily, and then gently dropped the earth back down and smoothed it over.

“I’ve done all I can. Jarvis?” The Shadow Kraata seemed surprised, and turned to Makuta, as if saying something.
“Jarvis, I think you need a holiday. Stay with Malideus, as his… assistant, yes.” Jarvis looked at him, then back to me. Okay, what? Before I could ask the question, though, Makuta spoke up, quelling my thoughts. “I feel that you need a companion. And Jarvis, for his faults, will serve you well. Jarvis! Tell Malideus a complete list of your powers later, but now, I must leave.” Makuta said finally, replacing his mask on his face, then turned to me one more time.
“Malideus… you have a dark power within yourself. Try to keep it under wraps from now on. If it gets out again… you might lose yourself entirely.”
And with that, he left for his own universe, closing the portal behind him, and leaving me with a feeling of confusion, and... Jarvis. At least I had calmed down... but I don't know about the whole leaving it here thing... Ah, well, I guess he's KINDA cute, like a legless cat, or something. But for the life of me, I don't know what use he'd be...

"Oh, you'd be surprised of the uses I have." A voice in my mind, different from my inner voice, sounded off, causing me to jump.

"Y-you t-talk!?" I ask, stunned, and the worm-like thing named Jarvis slides toward me, crawling up my arm.

"Only to those I direct my voice at. But more importantly, I have many, many other uses as well, all of them very destructive in the right hands. Care to hear them all?" Jarvis asks, and I feel my mood lighten already, if only marginally.

"Yeah... go ahead." I say, walking toward the cave.

Tomorrow... is gonna be a long, long day.

Author's Note

Made in Collaboration with SsendamtheMasked's story Casting a Shadow. Sure was fun, but now Mal has to start all over again, with only, like, one or two allies left.

Joy.