Roofie Coladas, a Gecko Named Rango and Iron Man
Rainbow Dash and the Invasion of the Pinocchio's
Daniel Alek
Rainbow Dash was quickly dashing (hehe, get it) through the skies above Ponyville. She loved the rush, the cool air running through her hair, the sensation of being miles above the ground, knowing that everyone beneath them could be looking up and being impressed at her admittedly impressive flying skills, she loved everything about it. Looking down at the small town and the buildings below, looking like models and the ponies that looked like small beetles and they were all playing Yellow Submarine for some odd reason, she returned to the ground to get a bite to eat.
On the ground, Rainbow Dash finished up her hay and orphan meat sandwich, annoyed at the fact that everypony was still singing Yellow Submarine. Pinkie Pie approached her in her usual giddy mood, holding a pink envelope with printed pictures of confetti and balloons on it in her mouth. An amazingly happy expression covered, and as Rainbow Dash thought, plagued her face.
“Oh, hai, Pinkie Pie.” Rainbow Dash greeted.
“Heeeello Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie Pie cheerfully greeted back, placing the pink envelope on the table in front of her while maintaining her extremely happy face. Rainbow Dash opened the letter and banana's flew out. She took out the letter and skimmed through it as Pinkie jumped up and down for no apparent reason other than that she was Pinkie Pie.
“A party!” Pinkie shouted, as if she thought Rainbow Dash couldn't read the letter herself.
“Awesome! I'll be there.” Rainbow Dash said.
The party had already begun by the time Rainbow Dash arrived. This party was especially special because they had gotten Vinyl Scratch to do the music. Ponies everywhere were dancing to the sick tunes that Vinyl was pumping out, and plenty of ponies were falling over drunk (even though the party had only started ten minutes ago).
The only lights were the laser lights, the strobes, the light shows and the actually deadly lasers that Pinkie insisted on putting in. Rainbow Dash signed the waiver in front of the door (it was there because of the deadly lasers).
“I'm so glad you could make it!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“No problem! I wouldn't miss a Pinkie Pie party for the world!” Rainbow Dash replied. “Where are the drinks?”
“Right over there,” Pinkie pointed to a table covered with bottles of various alcoholic drinks and a bowl of punch that was most likely spiked by now that resided next to a stack of books about how to skin puppies, “Berry Punch brought them.”
“Thanks.
Over by the drinks, there was a strange pony in an obligatory trench coat with the collar up. The trench coat was a deep black that matched his dark blue fur and black fedora with stripes on it.
“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?” The strange pony asked Bon Bon.
“Let me see.” Bon Bon replied as she took the rag from the strange pony. “Yes, actually, this does smell distinctly of chloroform, I would know beca-” she said before passing out. The strange pony went to take her into his van of terrible happenings when Rainbow Dash greeted him.
“Hi.” Rainbow Dash said in an almost dismissive tone.
“Hey, want a Roofie Colada?” the strange pony asked.
“Sure, whatever.” Rainbow Dash replied. Rainbow Dash had never had a Roofie Colada before, so she took a sip and immediately turned into a donkey, then her newly acquired donkey ears began flapping violently in a fashion similar to that of a helicopter. She began flying by the force of her ears, uncontrollably making her way into the odd pony's van of terrible happenings that he got from an alternate dimension where everyone's named Pinocchio, so I guess the odd pony's name is Pinocchio. She then passed out on impact with the back of the van.
Extra spacing to show the passage of time
Later on, she woke up in an unrecognizable place. Knifes jingled above her like sharp wind chimes and a few of them weren't properly cleaned, resulting in drips of blood of his past victims coming off of the knifes to meet Rainbow Dash's face.
“DON'T RAPE ME!” she exclaimed. Because this kind of thing happens to her all the time according to various fanfictions on the internet, it had become reflexive.
“What? NO, what the shit, man? Or girl. What kind of a person do you think I am, Jesus Christ.” Pinocchio responded, as Rainbow Dash attempted to move and realized that she was tied to a surgical table in a manner that made moving almost impossible. She looked down to see that there was a lot of blood (I mean like, a lot) on the table and the cuffs, which caused her to struggle harder than before and panic. “I'm only going to make you choose between watching me torture this small child for hours in the most painful ways imaginable or undergoing a sex change in which the surgery is done with more Roofie Colada's.”
“Meh, bring on the torture.” Rainbow Dash said, attempting to calm herself.
Pinocchio turned on Silent Hill: Revelation and forced the child to watch.
“NO, NOT THAT, ANYTHING BUT THAT.” Rainbow Dash desperately screamed. “YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CAN'T SHOW SOMEONE A MOVIE WORSE THAN THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE!”
“So we're going with the sex change?” Pinocchio asked.
“Fine.” Rainbow Dash replied.
She looked next to her and saw Bon-Bon sitting there. She could tell by the look on her face that Bon-Bon was in deep regret and wondering why she willingly smelled a cloth of chloroform.
Pinocchio injected Dash with a Roofie Colada's and several doses of an marijuanas.
The entire world seemed to begin to go in slow motion for Rainbow Dash as the face of Pinocchio began to melt off of it's skull, eyes falling out of their sockets and falling into his jaw as all of his teeth began to fall out and dance upon the ground. The ground began to shiver and quake as the teeth danced. Suddenly, Nathan Explosion burst into the room, wearing fishnet stockings and a crop top. He only had one arm and the other was visibly rotting. Using his still existing arm, he grabbed Pinocchio and they began to sing a duet of Whitney Houston's “I Will Always Love You”. Rainbow Dash was horrified. Visibly rotting carcases and melting bodies began to sing along and Rainbow was now in unimaginable mental torment. The whole world seemed to join in, even the mountains had mouths, it was a truly horrifying experience for Rainbow Dash. They were off all key and worst off all, singing Whitney Houston. She then passed out because there was this really big spider on the bed she was tied to and it was pretty damn ugly and shit.
More extra spacing to show more passage of time
When she woke up, she could no longer tell where she was. All images seemed to be a blurred mass of nothing, but there was a loud noise that would appear every now and then that sounded like some kind of extremely fast carriage wisping by her.
She regained her sight and could tell she was on the side of a road, cars rushing by her like screaming metal boxes of pain, making her hair flutter about as they displaced air when they passed. Rainbow Dash wondered what these strange metal boxes of obvious and extremely blunt foreshadowing were, but thought nothing of it other than “What the fuck is a car and why the hell do I know what they're called?”
“Well, that was a tasty treat that can't be beat, I'll have to get that Boofie Coloda shit more often.” Rainbow said to herself as she regained full contentiousness. She immediately checked to see if she still had a vagina and was relieved to see that the sex change never took place.
The road was a long stretch of black terror with a yellow stripe in the middle of it, like a dangerous exotic snake of some kind with no visible head or tail, just the body of a snake going on to infinity. The road was obviously only traveled by tourists who got lost getting to their destination with children in their cars yelling “Are we there yet?” at any given interval, as suggested by how run down the road was, making it quite obvious that it wasn't tended to often, how cars didn't pass by often (and when they did they had suitcases and such strapped to them) and the dustiness of the road. It was surrounded by an endless sea of sand and resilient plant life, sand cascading in what seemed to be a still yet violent ocean and whenever a car passed by, it would create a whirlwind of sand and dust that chocked the poor rainbow colored pony.
Rainbow Dash didn't know what direction Ponyville was in at all, so she simply sat and watched the cars, for she could think of nothing else to do, since she still didn't have all of her brain function back as of yet.
A lizard pulled up beside her as she sat there, waiting. It had skin that emulated a rock both in texture and in colors and then it greeted her with its short, thick tail and a nod of its pointed head, then continued to blink at her with its brown, vertically slit eyes. Rainbow Dash was never really good at identifying animals, so she knew almost nothing about it other than it was a brown lizard. She chuckled to herself and lifted up it's thick, rough body so it could meet her at eye level. “You're pretty cool.” She stated. “Wanna come with me to wherever it is I'm going?”
The lizard nodded, as it had nothing better to do with its day.
“Great! Got a name?”
It shook its head to say “Nein”.
“Alright then, I'll name you... SPIKE! No, no, that wont do.”
The lizard starred at her patiently.
“Uh... I'VE GOT IT, RANGO!”
Rango starred at her with a look of slight disappointment, as that was the name of another lizards in a better work of fiction than this one, and in that better work of fiction, Rango was a chameleon and in this, Rango happens to be a gecko. Big difference.
“I'll be right back.” Rainbow Dash stated as she flew up into the air and waved her hooves in the air like she just didn't care. She scanned the area for any signs of a town or something that would lead her to shelter.
“Hmm, all I see is a two ton behemoth monster attacking what appears to be Tokyo,” she stated as she munched on an Oreo sandwich that she's not quite sure where she got, “I'm thinking I should stay away from there... AHA! A small overly-western town that most likely has exaggerated amounts of gun violence for the time period it's based off of!” She flew back down to the ground.
Rango gestured with his head the direction of Ponyville, which was actually really close but just in a different direction than the black road led.
“No time for whatever you're trying to show me, Rango, I've got an overly western town to visit!”
Rango sighed with deep disappointment, as Rainbow Dash was being an idiot again.
Rainbow Dash picked up Rango with a sweeping motion of her hoof and gently placed him in her rainbow colored hair.
“Come on,” she said, “We've got a long way to fly.”
Even more extra spacing to show even more passage of time
Rainbow Dash and Rango were finally at the gates of the town. It had a run down look and was mostly made of wood. Doors were hanging off hinges and the wood paneling that covered all of the buildings was coming undone. Not many people were in the streets and the few that were had tattered clothing on and were carrying carriages with them. There was a sign hanging off of the gate by only one chain that read “The Town of Tony”.
Suddenly, a gun fight broke out and people began shooting each other for no actual reason. Bodies falling over everywhere, bullet holes being placed in all of the buildings, children crying, Cthulu laughing.
Rainbow Dash wondered if she had somehow gone astray from the road, as there were none of these “Car” things here.
Silence fell upon the pony residents as they noticed the two newcomers (most of them only saw one, as they did not count Rango the gecko as a newcomer but rather a gecko) walking about in their isolated town. Indistinguishable murmuring (and murdering) was heard as ponies swapped ungraceful looks and comments. After a while, they continued working and murdering each other.
“GO BACK!” A deep, booming voice stated. Rainbow looked over to see a rather expressive and concerned looking building with round windows that had plus-shaped ridges in them serving as eyes and a rather wide door serving as a mouth. The building looked around nervously and stated “LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” Then it ran away, sobbing like the little bitch it was, and Iron Man appeared and kicked it in the face so hard that it went into space while screaming random Japanese words it heard while watching various animes as if it knew the language and then it hit the moon and Luna was very unhappy with this.
“This town seems like a nice place to crash.” Rainbow Dash calmly stated. She then afterwards wondered why most people said Rainbow Dash instead of just Rainbow or Dash and used her mental power to persuade the writer of this story to refer to her mostly as Dash for the rest of the story.
She went to continue walking when the Sheriff approached her. He had a giant mustache that took up half of his face and had so much hair that Rainbow thought he was a bear at first. He wore a uniform, but no one ever knew what it looked like because they were too busy focusing on the mustache. Seriously, that thing was insane.
He began scanning her and his eyes locked on Rango, who was still perched atop of her head. He looked her directly in the eye and asked “You lost, little missy?” in a deep Western accent (the kind of Western accent that sounds cool rather than ridiculous).
“Nope.” Dash replied, not wanting to seem like the kind of pony who can't find her own way. “Kind of. Maybe. Yes. Do you know what direction Ponyville is in?” She asked, ashamed of herself for asking for directions.
“WE AIN'T GOT NO WATER.” The Sheriff rambunctiously shouted.
“Oookay, I wasn't asking for that. I asked if yo-”
The Sheriff leaned in uncomfortably close to her, so close that his amazing, golden mustache hairs touched her mane.
“I like you.” He stated in a whispery voice. Rainbow Dash let out a small “Meep”.
“Come on, let's go to my office.” The Sheriff said, still using a creepy voice.
At his office, he poured her a large glass of water and irony.
“Look, I don't care about all this, I just need to know if-”
“Sh sh sh sh ssshhhhhh, my love,” he placed his hoof over her mouth to silence her, “my transformation into a walking mustache is almost complete.”
Dash starred at him blankly for a couple of seconds.
“Do you or do you not know which directio-”
“THERE'S NO TIME!” The Sheriff screamed as his mustache engulfed his entire body and he was taken by strings of what seemed to be tar to be stuck on the ceiling.
Dash ran out of the room, attempting to forget this entire day on her way but remembering that she didn't want to forget Rango so she attempted to forget MOST of this entire day.
“You got a lot of gall showing your face in this town.” A significantly less mustachio'd stallion than the Sheriff said as she exited the Sheriff's office.
“What? I don't know what's going on, I just want t-”
“SILENCE YOUR TRASH TALK OF THE ELDER ONES, MORTAL, I know who you are.”
“Ha, I doubt that. All of you ponies are crazy.”
“You're the fastest flier in all of Equestria, who's dream is to join the Wonderbolts and have an awesome time flying and shit, you God damn fucking mule!” The stallion stated, mustache flaring to great levels of anger.
“How did yo-”
Dash was cut off by the sound of a car pulling in and everyone was silent. It was a long, black car with a squared and angular look to it. It had dark red rims and grates and the windows were tinted so that you couldn't see the inside of it. A pony wearing a fedora and a trench coat with the collar popped up stepped out. Rainbow Dash immediately recognized him as Pinocchio.
“LISTEN UP, YA'LL!” Pinocchio said. “I come from a faraway land much beyond your feeble comprehension skills where everypony's named Pinocchio, so ya'll had best get out of my way because I own this town and shit now! The town of Tony belongs to ME!” He shouted, barking every other word.
For a moment, the entire town was silent, then it burst into uproarious laughter. “You'll have to take that up with Tony first.” A walking mustache that obviously used to be the Sheriff stated.
“Tony?” Pinocchio asked. “Tony who?”
A crimson and yellow suit of armor landed on the ground with an impressive boom. “TONY STARK!” Iron Man yelled as he punched Pinocchio's nose in, making a satisfying “Crunch” sound.
“Why you little fucking bastard.” Pinocchio grumbled, holding his bloody (and no longer existent) nose.
“WAIT!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Before you get into it, I just wanted you to know that the sex change didn't work, but that Roofie Colada shit was one hell of a drug.” She stated.
“What? Oh, you must have me confused with some other Pinocchio.”
“But you have the same cloths as him and everything!”
“It's law for everyone named Pinocchio to wear some variation of the “Trench coat and fedora” attire where I come from. It's also law that everypony's name be Pinocchio. Confusion like that happens all the time, but rest assured, we're all assholes.”
“Oh, okay, continue on.”
Pinocchio pulled a knife out of his coat. “You wanna dance, pretty boy?”
“Actually,” Iron Man stated as he got into a battle stance, “I do.”
The two of them charged at each other, Pinocchio with a loud roar and Iron Man with booming strides, and clashed. Pinocchio soon found out that a switchblade will not pierce the armor of Iron Man's suit and Iron Man grabbed his face and threw him at the moon, because Luna cut in front of him in line at Subway this one time so ever since he's been kicking and throwing things at the moon as often as he can.
“That... Was... AWESOME!” Dash spouted. “I mean, that was really cool.”
“It's just my job.” Iron Man stated. “And you are?”
“Who, me? I'm the fastest flier in Equestria!”
“Right, well, I challenge you on that.”
“You're on.”
“Right here, right now, first one to Ponyville wins.”
“Got it.”
They flew up into the air, ready to engage in a really awesome race, but because I wish to deprive you of Iron Man and Rainbow Dash racing because I don't wanna write that, they saw an army of cars as menacing music played. Each car held a Pinocchio and each Pinocchio had a weapon of their own. Hacksaws, chainsaws, rotary blades, plasma cannons, various different types of blades, saws and guns and all sorts of other shit that meant bad news. The sky seemed to become darker with dark blue clouds screaming the cry of thunder and lighting and a horizon red with the blood of their victims as the army of cars rioted for miles and miles, destroying anything and everything in their path with their weapons of mass destruction. They could tell that this situation was all over Equestria because Iron Man is so awesome that he can do that.
“I'm not going down without a fight! Ready, Iron Man?”
“Oh I'm ready.” Iron Man replied. JARVIS, call Pepper.”
“Her phone is offline, sir.” Jarvis stated, amazingly calmly like Jarvis always does.
“Shit. Well, I don't know where Pepper is, but I know one thing for certain.”
“What?” Rainbow inquired.
“The Pinocchio's are coming.”
DUN DUN DUUUUN.
Author's Note
*Spoilers* Iron Man dies.*Spoilers*
