Nicolas Cage Battles Princess Celestia

by SuperKnight

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 951

Nicolas Cage and Kurt Cobain are doing some drugs when a know-it-all horse comes in and tries to fight them.

Nicolas Cage and Kurt Cobain are doing some drugs when a know-it-all horse comes in and tries to fight them.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-29 18:20:04 UTC

The Cage Chronicles

"Hey- Hey! Nicolas! Watch This!"

Nicolas Cage snorted some more cocaine as he turned to see his friend spinning around, flapping his arms wildly in the air.

"I'm flying!"

Cage was about to comment on how graceful Kurt looked -- but something was wrong. His Nicolas Cage senses started to go haywire. He threw the remaining crack at the wall, turning to the giant door with the sun on it.

It's coming.

Just in case, Nicolas Cage started to slowly raise his level of power. Whatever was coming through that door had a great power, and Nicolas wanted to be prepared.

The large door swung open, revealing a giant horse thing. It was cocaine white, had the kind colors in it's hair that you would see during an LSD dream, and for some reason, it looked really pissed.

"N-Nicolas! Do you s-!?"

The white horse shot a beam at Kurt, instantly turning him into a pile of beer bottles.

"Noooooooo!" Nicolas got on his knees, looking up into the sky. Why did the world have to be so cruel!?

"Tell me why you're here, or you will be next!"

Nicolas Cage stood up. His fists were shaking, his eyes were watering, and his power was rising at a alarming rate. His clothes suddenly became ripped and torn, his hair starting to rise.

"Why... Why did you kill Kurt Cobain!?"

Nicolas' head jerked up as his hair became yellow.

Princess Celestia looked on, confused and scared.

"I WILL END YOU! HORSE BITCH!"

Nicolas Cage almost exploded, his power level reaching it's maximum amount. His hair was gold and flowing, and his man tits were really, really, hard.

Princess Celestia cringed at this new sight, tears starting to form in her eyes. "What are you!?" she screamed, starting to slowly back away.

Nicolas Cage looked into the distance, almost as if he were looking for his old friend. He then turned to Celestia, unleashing his ultimate Cage smile.

"I'm a super Cage, and i'm here to make sure you die!"

Nicolas Cage flew towards Celestia, preparing a cocaine beam in one hand and a punch in the other. Celestia was ready for this, however, as she read all 1793 books about how to defeat Nicolas Cage in a fight and what to expect. She teleported behind him, shoving her horn towards Cage's back.

The horn hit, but it was instantly cracked as Nicolas' back was too manly for it. The cracked horn quickly jumped out of a window, crying like a baby along the way.

Nicolas laughed, saying, "Well -- that was horny!"

Princess Celestia growled, once again charging towards Cage.

"Huh-"

Nicolas Cage writhed in pain as a hoof was sent into his balls. He could only let out deep breaths as he slowly backed up, placing his hands over his crotch.

"That was a ballsy move!"

Nicolas Cage couldn't lose, he knew that. This horse was a powerful enemy -- an unknown enemy.

"Cage-O-Ken!"

A dark red aura surrounded Nicolas Cage. His body looked like he had taken ten pounds of steroids, and his eyes were only filled with the color red. He looked Celestia straight in the eye, tears of stone going down his face.

"I do this for you, Kurt Cobain."

He grabbed one one of the beer bottles Kurt was turned in to, throwing it at Celestia at over one billion miles-per-hour.

The bottle hit Celestia's face, spreading bits of groovy glass all over her face.

"My eyes! I can't see!" The white horse put both of her hooves over her eyes, trying to stop the small amount of blood leakage.

Not wasting time, Nicolas went over to Celestia and kicked her.

"Ow!"

"Die please."

"Okay, why not."

Celestia's body fell to the floor, limp. Cage fell to the floor, too, closing his eyes.

"Just came, heh."

Cage stood up, narrowing his eyes once more.

Tom Hanks rushed through the door, looking around and settling his eyes upon the pile of beer bottles.

"Oh shit, man!"

Tom hand ran over to the beer bottles, grabbing a handful of them.

"Tom, we have to fix this. How, though?"

Tom looked down at the beer bottles, thinking. He stood up, letting the bottles fall to the ground as he turned to Nicolas.

"I have an idea. Do you have a shotgun?"

"Yeah -- Why?"

"You'll see when we get there, now hurry!"

Tom Hanks reached into his coat, bringing out a small stone. He threw the stone onto the ground, causing it to explode and forming a portal.

"Into the portal!"

"Hold on!"

Nicolas Cage ran over to the corpse of Celestia, unzipping his pants.

They both stood there for about three days, just watching Nicolas Cage take a long leak atop the corpse. Finally, he zipped up his pants and ran back to Tom.

"I'm ready."

Tom Hanks nodded, jumping inside of the portal. After one last look at the princess, Nicolas Cage soon followed after him.

25 DAYS LATER

Celestia's eye flew open, looking around. She could tell she was wet for some reason -- something wasn't right here. She looked down at herself, seeing her coat had been turned into a darker shade of yellow.

"Huh?"

Then it hit Celestia like a wall of stone. The battle, Kurt Cobain, Nicolas Cage...

She jumped to her hoofs, not seeing Nicolas Cage anywhere. She smiled, looking up into the sky.

"This isn't the end, Nicolas Cage. I will find you... I WILL FIND YOU!" She started laughing -- body slowly growing as small bits of rock started to float around her.

This wasn't the end.

"That was a load of shit" - Kurt Cobain