I think back to that day, even after so long.
I'm naughty, I know I am and you love it all the same. So it was inevitable I would pull a stunt like this just to see your beige cheeks flare up in the most brightest of red color, that would put the most ripest apples from Sweet apple acres to shame!
I will admit though, it was truly an 'accident' that this somehow came into my saddlebags right before I kissed you goodbye and you told me to have fun! I dashed out to band practice. You were doing that thing again... You know? staring off into space. Come to think of it... you had been doing that so much lately, I figured you learned the sacred art of pon-jutsu!; replacing yourself with a pillow in the middle of the night as I held you... heh. I did ask you why you started to do that - sneaking out the room in the middle of the night and doing... Celestia knows what downstairs.
You know, you never used to let me sleep in. Always like: 'Lyra! you forgot to take the trash out!' or something like 'Lyra you have work early today!' heh, work... Babe you know that when I've got my own studio going, we won't need to be working anymore. But on those days where you're in Robo-bon mode, just casually cleaning the kitchen or staring at the TV... Those bruises from under your eyes, I know you were staying up on those nights. But I asked you over and over again 'what's wrong?' And all you would do is shrug and give me that smile you give to customers that took too long in your old shop. The one... the polite but miffed one.
Oh and Luna bless me when you'd say something! 'nothing' was of course the greatest way to say 'EVERYTHING' was wrong. Geez, you really should open that shop up again Bonsie, it was always playing our jam when customers flooded the place! Oh please oh please I was getting so excited the other day thinking I can wear my old human cosplay for the shop as a mascot! ...Just to see that long frown on your face, heh, you know the one? The one that makes me want to kiss your face all over until you shriek!
Hmm, my brain is zoning out from watching these flank heads argue about chords and the tempo of blah blah blah. Octavia is next to me, looking as pissed as ever. I swear I thought the whole ecstasy and spinning flashing light shows that Vinyl throws every time would have her looking more happy! Wait, they are together, right?
Well regardless, now it's been a good few hours of strumming and grinding the music skill tree. Also Octy is mouthing the words... 'Let's get the vacuum?... Let's get the vac you?' Oh wait! Oh... she must really want to go. And guess what? So do I!
Boo yeah! She spilled the beans on lil' miss red eyed wubs devil. Turns out they hooked up after something to do with vampires and werewolves, I think they was talking about those movies all the really young mares are crazy for I wasn't paying too much attention. She seemed really uncomfortable about 'confessing' this all, but I eased her troubled self by telling her that you liked being a werecat! Mn... those ears and paw stockings you put on for me...
While she was in some shock and saying something about not knowing that werecats existed as well... I was lost in thought again, remembering that we have not made love in so long. One day you just started saying you were not in the mood, you ol' grump! You used to say that after I trolled you before bed, but this time it was different... You hide your body from me, legs tightly shut, hooves to your chest and all when we are laying near each other. I swear I saw these long scratch marks on the inside of your hind legs... I asked you about them. All you said was you had fell...
Octy and I were grabbing some lunch, I know it's not going to be long til I bring her over for us to gather round my magical square of visual majesty to play some party games! But you know honestly, I'm really hesitant now ever since you've been getting weirder and weirder. When Octy came over last time, you beamed in smiles, had cookies... you giggled and said more of your lame jokes that were SO lame, they just had to be laughed at... and you knew they were lame, that was your sense of humor.
But as soon as she left, you just went to bed. No 'oh what a lovely evening' or even bitching about her! I miss your bitching! We would bitch about the sky, foals, explosions- why are they so awesome but destructive?! But nope, you just put the leftovers away and went to bed without even so much as giving me a second glance.
I was so mad at you that night. I stayed up and ate the leftovers and just watched TV all night. I showed you who could give silent treatment!
All that aside, as I was reaching into my bag to excavate my holy bottle of deathly powerful hot sauce, that would do wonders to my daisy and cucumber sandwich. I felt it.
The little tome of yours that I had looted rather viciously from the depths of between-the-mattresses-valley. I pulled it out with a spark of the trusty horn and slammed it on the table, utterly obliterating Octy's biscuit which in turn granted me 50 experience points to spend on my flawless skill tree. She gave me those cold, dead purple eyes in silence before sipping more of her tea and asking what the biscuit destroyer was.
I opened the pages with my little snicker making me laugh more - I can be so cute they should give me an element or something - and lo and behold it was your diary! I quickly rushed to find some dirty things, and things to feed my ego which holds the entire nation of Equestria from falling into the void of darkness. Though my smile vanished as soon as I realized that this diary started early this year... and we're almost at the end of it. I honestly expected some great deal of juicy stuff but what you had written down, gods help me Bonbon, what is this? No... really.
What is this?
And why is this last page torn out?
Oh my eyes. Bonbon what is this, you're so bucking stupid!
Every time I re-read the entries it got harder and harder, only because my eyes were stinging and my nose was running so bad I couldn't see! The pages are wet... Octavia is putting her hoof around me asking me 'what's wrong?' That's exactly what I kept asking you! I can't read it anymore. I'm shaking, I'm pressing my hooves to my eyes screaming inside my head to wake up, oh gods please let me wake up, don't do this to me I swear I will do anything!
Biting my lip, choking on my sobs I can hear Octavia gasp and flip through the pages one by one... she's starting to turn the pages faster, now back and forth in a fright.
She grabs me, yanks me to hurry with her in a quick trot towards home, our home, our life... honey please. I can't open my eyes properly, my heart is racing. Baby please, I'm shaking please talk to me when I see you. Gods, why didn't you.
Baby please, I love you. Why couldn't you trust me?
I swear my hooves were upturning the stones of the streets as I neared our house. I had blanked out the moment I saw our home we bought together coming in view, going into a full gallop and ramming myself into the front door before opening it hard enough to loosen the hinges.
And there I saw it, there I saw all the things I had with you.
had.
The sweet smell of cinnamon in those mornings you would bake for practice before opening shop, the pitter patter sound of empty jars being filled to capacity from all those sweets you made. My senses would always be void and longing for those exact things, the things that caused a flash in my mind, an image of your beautiful blue eyes.
Your voice... you sang to me when I was so upset crying, humming to me and feeling your breath touch me and ease me into a sleep, nestled in your warmth. You should of been a singer, you could of done so many things... I should of taken you with me to sing in our band...
But that opportunity is gone, just like your eyes... please open them. Celestia I'm begging you...
Open them, honey.
I see those scratches on your leg...
I see it now. But, am I that horrible? That horrible to not have noticed before... or did I and not say anything, wishing for it to just up and go away?
Is this my fault?
"Why didn't you say anything!!!"
"Lyra! Get off of her! I'll call-"
"No!!!"
It's done I suppose... I have waited and I have no urge to run under the sink and force myself to empty out my promise I made to myself. Lyra, sweetie... I can't find the words to express how sorry I am, for everything. I have made the wrong decisions all the way up until now I realize. I have forgotten what it was to be like the old days... Since the news of which you will understand if you look between the mattress of our bedroom.
My darling, I watched my father wither and fade away right before mine and my mother's eyes from this kind of illness. Believe me I asked if there was something that could be done, as soon as I found out... but it was already too late. Really? I just find out and before I can say anything it's already too late... Worst checkup ever I suppose... I don't know if its this elixir I drank or my own self somehow shattering into something else, but all I can do is smile now. Maybe because I know now I won't have to put you through what I went through. It wasn't easy to figure out this kind of way to go.
I spent countless nights contemplating a messy, knife sort of way to go. But I would bring that blade to my most delicate areas to ensure a quick way out... taking the blade to my fur and only managing to graze along it... I just couldn't do it, all those nights I couldn't. But as I started to see myself progressively get worse, I felt myself letting go of this world, bit by little bit.
I could not give any hint to you that I was unwell, knowing you so very well, I knew you would of latched onto me and not leave my side like a life support system, you would of quit everything... For me. And heavens no I could not bare to do that to you.
But I regret so much what I did in my last weeks... ignoring you, a bit of me even envied you... some days simply resented you. All because you were going to have a band, a future... that studio you would fantasize about and step around our room while we were cuddling moments before, just to visualize and show me 'I'll put the booth here, the microphones here' You were are so full of energy... a future, Lyra. Something I wish I could be a part of. I'm trying to leave with the most clearest conscience I can... but it's not as easy as it seems.
Lyra, my beautiful songbird. I love you, I will always love you. Please never, ever blame yourself for this. Just remember what you told me when you held onto me that night, as we stared at the stars when I was so insecure about myself being with someone so... amazing, confident and so attractive to boot. You told me that everypony deserves love, and that our skies can be so dark, only because are starts are so bright... And that I was in your sky, as the biggest star.
I hope I always will be, Lyra.
My only regret I have now, as my vision starts to fade... is that my last words were not so... spectacular or anything.
But I meant it, Lyra. Your smile brings such great joy, even when it's a manic eccentric sort of one when you are on about some sort of conspiracy or human-hunting... YouR preSenc N pONeS lives truly...
I WiLL Mis Yu
I LovE YOU
PrOMisE Me Always SMiLe ANd
HaVe Fun Sweetie
Love --Bonbon
I love you too...
I would of stayed to the end...
But to this day, all I can do is keep that promise
You were the most amazing pony... and I never told you that enough
