Celestia's Catari

by Proper Noun

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 973

In a world beset by planar invaders, one battle finally goes right.

Telara is a world beset by planar invaders that come and go as they please through portals known as rifts, tears in the fabric of the planes that may only be closed by battling the forces coming through and slaying their commander, whose energy keeps the tear open.

This time, one such encounter finally goes right, in all of the best ways.

This is a parody. I didn't think I'd need to say this, but it turns out I did.
Story prompt by Turai: "Pony r34 Rift crossover"
And so I did. I'm not sorry.
Rift is a MMORPG and intellectual property copyright of Trion Worlds.

Published 2013-11-29 15:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-29 15:20:03 UTC

Chapter One

One might say the party of adventurers was an eclectic cluster-fuck. There were mages, sissy men who stood at the back and pretended their togas made them intelligent and useful; warriors, a bunch of overcompensating musclebrains; rogues, renowned for their tactic of waiting in the shadows until there was nothing left but to loot the dead; and one cleric, a babbling priest calling empty blessings of the so-called Vigil upon them all. Their leader, hiding behind even the mages - after all, one does not lead by running into battle first and getting killed - sighed to herself before calling out over a racket of the kind only generated by two dozen idiots fighting over loot they hadn't even won yet.

"Listen, Ascended heroes! Before us gather the energies of the Plane of Life! In mere moments, they shall breach the Ward and spill carnivorous plants, ents, and overzealous hippies upon our world." She paused as one of the warriors scoffed. They had all seen plenty of such rifts between the planes in their time. "But this is no ordinary rift. The readings from the arcanometers all concur: No rift with such power has been seen since Regulos the Destroyer crossed over from the Plane of Death, a thousand years ago!" The idiots shut up, but not due to any respect for their leader or her words.

The rift was opening.

Tendrils - no, roots, and powerful vines - began to force themselves down from the sky as through a tight anal sphincter, with Telara's own native flora acting as a weaker mirror that seemed to reach back towards the sky for its kin. The surrounding clouds turned green with the energy of the rift, swirling counterclockwise around the vegetative breach. Soon, creatures of elemental life would spew forth like liquefied chipotle diarrhea, intent on turning the planet into one big, happy garden with scattered communes.

A flash of brilliant golden light forced the adventurers and their leader alike to shield their eyes. A thousand vegetable voices cried out in pain, and they were followed by a tone far gentler.

"Oh, dear. I believe I took the wrong left turn at Albuquerque," said the multiverse's second-greatest traveler, Princess Celestia. She stepped down from the raised flora at the center of the rift, and turned her gaze to the assembled Ascended. "I do so apologize for standing on the buffet," she said, bowing her head apologetically.

When the group finally figured out her lack of hostility - an understanding, ironically, enforced by heavy blows to those stupid enough to try attacking her - they parted, allowing their leader to finally step forward. The tanned Eth woman tossed aside her gilded and lightly-armored tunic as she advanced, letting her H-cup kerboobles swing free. Giving a polite curtsey - which was really hard in armored pants - she addressed the alabaster alicorn princess.

"I am Asha Catari of the Defiants, and I will do anything to protect this world and prove to the Guardians our ability to defend against the Rifts and the Dragons, once and for all. To that end I offer you my supple body, our greatest bargaining chip, in exchange for which I ask that you continue your benign behaviour."

Princess Celestia really had not planned on hurting any of the strange bipeds gathered before her, but she was never one to miss a diplomatic opportunity. Hiding a smirk behind her flowing pearlescent mane, she locked her eyes on the woman's soft tan nipples. The similarity in certain features between these people and her own was tantalizing, and she found her normally-tight marehood winking rapidly at the rolling countryside behind her at the thought of what she might find below the woman's waist. "Anything? Well, I'm in a generous mood - my journey here was pretty easy, seeing as us alicorns are over-powered as fuck. I shall make but one request of your people, in return for which I swear upon my sister's gaping plot that ponykind will never seek to harm your world. I ask only for five hours with you, to be fulfilled in private. Come alone - and completely unclothed."

Asha nodded, and bowed her head, before turning to address and flash her boobies to the party that had come with her. "Ascended, return to Meridian at once and reinforce our defenses there. Except for you, Father... whatever your name was. Go spread your nonsense in Guardian territory." As the adventurers scrambled to carry out her order (and the priest ran off to get himself burned at the stake), she shed her gilded leather leggings and stood nude before Celestia. "I await your desire, for now we have as much privacy as we ever will. By the way, I never got your name...?"

The princess smiled down at the bare woman, and took a step closer. She let her mane teasingly brush Asha's exposed tan slit, causing the woman's knees to weaken and brace against each other in pleasure and her labia to pulse with need. After weighing and squeezing Asha's bewbs in her magic, Celestia's eyes wandered, noting many of the roots and vines that made up much of the rift flora were still alive to some degree, eagerly wrapping themselves around anything in reach - even trying to capture her hooves, and they had already ensnared the unaware Eth's ankles. With another little smirk, she looked back once more to her new plaything.

"Oh, you may call me Molestia," she replied in her most sultry of tones, her mind full of all the ways she was about to make the human perform for her. "Just give me a moment to cast my futa spell, and I'll show you what bestiality is really about."

And then they fucked. It was the hottest, most sexiest thing ever.