Thank You, Captain Obvious

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sweetie Belle
Length: 2201

Sweetie Belle sends an assortment of letters to Princess Celestia, asking questions that seem to be obvious but nopony has answers to.

Sweetie Belle is a curious filly.
As a result, she sends an assortment of inquiries to the ruler of Equestria in the hopes of finding some answers to obvious questions that nopony really seems to be asking.

Published 2013-11-29 22:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-06 03:46:33 UTC

To Whom It May Concern

0-0-0-0-0

Sweetie Belle sat at the small writing desk in her room, quill levitating silently before her as she scribbled and scratched out her thoughts. She had written long into the night, and the end result, while a little sloppy and covered with many ink splotches, was still readable. Mostly.

Regardless, it would suffice to give it to Spike, who in turn would send it to Princess Celestia as a favor. She had thought very carefully about the method by which Celestia would get her mail. Sweetie had thought about that one for at least three and a half hours.

Sweetie Belle thought that her letter looked pretty good as she snuggled into bed at last, making herself comfortable beneath the sheets. And she would continue to believe that her letter looked just fine, up until the point when she was proven otherwise.

As a matter of fact, when the letter drifted inside Princess Celestia’s window the next morning courtesy of magical dragon flames, she thought that it was another letter from Twilight. Obviously, this was not the case. She unrolled it warily, noting the multiple ink blotches.

The letter itself read as follows.

Dearest Princess Celestia,

Choke on a camel’s creamed cunt.

Princess Celestia had to stop reading for a moment.

Seriously, lady. What the actual fuck is your problem?

Actually, let me go back to that first part. ‘Lady’. You know, I cannot for the life of me figure out why it is so goddamned hard for everybody around here to say ‘lady’ or ‘guy’ or anything that isn’t in some way pony related. And you know why?

I went to the library to find out, and as it turns out, there’s a whole fucking law dedicated to ensuring that ponies use ‘proper’ terminology when referring to each other! Again, what the actual fuck?

Punishable by death? Really?

Holy shit, your own sister tried to KILL you, and all you did was send her bubbly blue ass to the moon!

I mean, seriously, are you some kind of basket case? This is nuts! Those are the conditions of a fucking psychopath!

I don’t even know where to begin, Ti-Ti.

Totes calling you that now.

And another thing; why the hell did you have all of our railway tracks built upside down? I thought that was just a fuckup of the construction ponies, but, no! it’s in the legal document from Canterlot, specifically requested!

Do you have any idea how many innocent ponies DIE because of derailing trains?

A fuck ton more than anybody is allowed to print in the local newspaper, that’s for sure!

And that’s another thing.

Why the hell doesn’t Ponyville have a graveyard?

I KNOW that ponies aren’t immortal. Everybody with a brain stem knows that. It’s easy as fuck to tell, and it confuses me to no end trying to figure out why we have no goddamned graveyard. I even checked the library on that shit, and you know what I found?

Nada.

Zip, zilch, zero, nothing!

We have documents on public executions for failure to speak with proper terminology and instruction manuals for making moonshine, but absolutely nothing on causes of natural death?

Are you shitting me?

What the hell kind of country are you running, lady?

Seriously, bitch; this is the kind of shit that gets somebody impeached.

Oh, but I didn’t find anything on FUCKING IMPEACHMENT in the library! I had to get that shit from Baltimare. Shipped express, by the way.

Speaking of which, why is it that you only answer to letters you get via dragon mail? Do you realize that we have a perfectly good – actually I’ll get to that in a minute – functioning postal system? Are you fucking incompetent, or do you just that you’re better than the rest of us? Because I sure as fuck don’t have access to mail carrying dragon magic!

On that note, completely disregard that I accessed mail carrying dragon magic to send you this. Also, Spike says hi.

On the topic of our completely dysfunctional postal system, why in the blazing blue hell do we have somebody like Derpy lugging around our highly fragile/flammable packages?

It sure ain’t because she’s accident prone.

You realize that her eyes look like that for a fucking reason, right?

And that’s another thing!

Since when is the Ponyville hospital also doubling as a motherfucking mental ward? Was the first one so packed to the brim with lunatics that we had to move them all into a hospital with sick and injured ponies, or did we never have one to begin with?

And more importantly, where in the flying fuck is the hospital security keeping all the loons INSIDE?!

I swear to god, Celestia, this whole fucking place is batshit insane! Do you even have any idea what our economy is like? Oh, wait, our economy is the TOILET, because we have people trying to make a living selling vegetables and sewing clothes. There is no such thing as an assured paycheck, because everybody uses bits.

Mother fucking BITS!

Do you even know how much a ‘bit’ is worth?

Because I sure fucking don’t!

Oh my god, this is driving me almost as nuts as everybody else!

And on the note of god, will you just fucking stop with the letting everybody worship you like you’re the motherfucking messiah? Bitch, you might have a sun on your ass, but that don’t make you holy.

And that’s another thing!

Will you stop fucking telling everyone that you can move the sun?

These inbred blithering morons will believe just about anything you fucking tell them, and now I hear rumors of them starting a goddamned cult in your name! Some kind of wacked out building that the Apple family is working on. A ‘cha urch’, or something.

Seriously, bitch. I read a science book.

You’re not moving the fucking sun. Telling everybody that you are actually some kind of immortal sun goddess is not funny, cut that shit out.

Or I’ll have you impeached.

Princess Celestia gaped at the open letter she held in one hoof, the fireplace crackling quietly behind her.

“LUNA, THEY’RE ON TO US!”

0-0-0-0-0

Further Inquiries

0-0-0-0-0

Sweetie Belle angrily stuffed the carefully folded letter into Derpy’s almost capable hooves, who saluted her before she took off.

So, Spike wanted to tell her off for abusing dragon magic, did he?

Sweetie Belle had other methods of getting her message to Princess Celestia.

And Celestia would receive every single one of her angry letters, whether she wanted to or not.

Dearest Princess Ti-Ti,

Just how much crystal meth is put into our town’s water supply?

I’m pretty certain that that’s the only explanation for what the hell is wrong with Pinkie Pie, because that bitch is off her fucking rocker. I swear to god, if I have to hear ‘Smile, Smile, Smile’ one more time I’m going to drag one of the Cake twins into the middle of the street and fucking TRAMPLE it in front of her. See who’s smiling now.

Cunt.

And can anybody tell me why we seem to have such a big ass dependency on gems for backing up currency? I’ve seen one of those little fuckers pay for somebody’s college tuition, and we have a literal motherfucking dragon in the middle of town that EATS GEMS.

Yeah, because fuck-all nothing could go wrong with that. I mean, he could grow to enormous proportions

OH WAIT.

And that’s another thing.

How come Ponyville is so goddamned close to the edge of the Everfree Forest?

Do you have ANY idea how much freaky shit is in there?

Of course you do, you and your dumbass sister abandoned your LAST castle that you left to rot in that hellhole.

Speaking of hellholes, did you know that there is a LITERAL MOTHERFUCKING GATE TO HELL just outside of Ponyville?

Yeah, and I was pissed off about the forest! Holy SHIT!

I mean, there are literally demons crawling out of the mouth of Tartarus and tormenting townsfolk! Did you see the mess that big fucker Cerberus made when he tried to piss all over the schoolhouse because he couldn’t find an adequate fire hydrant?

When I said this place was going to the dogs, that’s not quite what I meant!

By the way, speaking of Pinkie Pie and big fucking messes, can you kindly issue some restraining orders for this bitch? I’d love to have her sent to an asylum, but, you know…

No motherfucking security.

And if not, at least send me some of the hash that she’s getting, because the greedy bitch isn’t sharing. I am not going to tolerate that bullshit. Speaking of which, where the hell did that motto come from? I don’t remember seeing anybody post it anywhere or ever mention it, and yet there it is, spray painted all across the town welcome sign, ‘love and tolerate’.

What kind of sentimentalist hippie bullshit is that?

My first reaction was to blame the drug dealing pink one, but she was too busy trying to tell me that whack jobs behind four walls were writing about me, or something.

Fucking hell, what a fucking freak.

On the note of fucking freaks, what the hell are you, and is your sister available on Tuesdays?

By the way, how come nobody ever thought to ask Zecora if she swallowed a shitload of poison joke? I mean, seriously. Think about it. That would totally make sense as to why the bitch only talks in those annoying rhymes. And I do mean it when I call her a bitch.

Last week, I innocently asked her to rhyme something with orange.

The crazy bitch backhoofed me.

What the actual fuck.

0-0-0-0-0

This Means War

Sweetie Belle jumped from the sudden rapping at her bedroom door, and she carefully put down the quill and letter that she had been preparing.

"Yeah?" She called, her elder sister Rarity wasting no time in entering as quickly as possible.

Rarity dropped a large red envelope before Sweetie Belle, and said "This just came for you."

"Oh. Tha-"

"From Canterlot." Rarity deadpanned.

"... Uh oh."

Sweetie Belle slowly tore open the red envelope, pulled out a folded lettet, and began to read.

To my concerned subject,

Shut the fuck up before I fuck YOU up.

I am a mother fucking princess, and when I find your parents, that will be doubly true. You arrogant, snot nosed little twat waffle. Do you even know who I am?

i'm the goddamned princess. I killed a lot of fillies to get this title, and I demand to be referred to as such.

For your information, since you are obviously an uneducated peasant, those rumors of Equestria revolving around MY sun are kust that - rumors. Learn the difference, you pint-sized cunt knuckle. It's my goddamned country, and I'll run it how I fucking want to. Celestia is not afraid to smack a filly.

And of course, it never occurred once to you that maybe keeping the Everfree Forest right where it is was part of a fucking plan, you shortsighted dimwit. It's not like having a forest full of flesh-eating abominations so close to a packed settlement is some kind of punishment, or something, regardless of whatever Twilight Sparkle might have implicated me with. That bitch needs to learn to shut her trap, or she's going to wake up with your head in her bed, Godpony style.

Also, those demons are your own fault. Not the citizens of Ponyville, but you, personally. All those rampaging demons escaping from Tartarus and tormenting innocent townsfolk are all your fault, Sweetie Belle. It's the same reason foals die early and the dinosaurs went extinct. It's because you touch yourself.

And you're going to pony hell for it.

I know. I'm fucking GOD.

P.S.

Tell the Apple family that the shrine that they built in my honor was obviously misspelled. My name is not 'Molestia'.

"Oh, that is the last straw!" Sweetie Belle stamped the letter into the floor, dragging out more paper. "Ti-Ti wants to fight? Well, she just got a full-blown war!"

Author's Note

Becauth I'm dethpicable.