Wayward Courier

Chapters

02

Where was I? Oh, right, just after I got stung by the manticore. Now, before I go any further, allow me to emphasize just how painful it was. I will not ask if you have been set on fire. If you’ve been scavving through ruins, then the odds are a burst gas pipe or an angry robot has done that to you. Or maybe a raider with a Flamer, that happens too. And I’m sure you’ve been hit with plasma, and know how that’s like being with a Flamer, but just in one area. It hurts a lot more. Now, imagine the intense pain of being hit with a plasma rifle, then make it so that it is everywhere at once. Honestly, even places that shouldn’t hurt did.

Anyway, I passed out. I’m not sure how long I was out for, but it was definitely long enough for something to drag me to what looked to be a tribal hut. At this point, I could only see the interior, and believe me when I say that waking up to see a wooden mask painted to look like a savage beast is not exactly pleasant. I’m pretty sure that, if I hadn’t gone and had my heart removed then replaced by the Think Tank, it would have stopped.

That was when my host put her face in front of mine. How do I know my host was female? She told me, eventually. That was after we had both gotten over the mutual weirdness of what was going on.

You remember how the one I saved from becoming lunch was blue and had wings? This one had stripes. They weren’t black, but they were pretty close, and they covered the rest of the white coat she had. What was even crazier, the hair of her mane and tail (the locals told me that’s what they referred to those parts of the body as) were somehow just like the rest of her. No I don’t know how. Apparently it’s natural. I know, hard to believe.

Back to the story, she stared at me for a few moments. Long enough for me to see she had rather pretty green eyes. Okay, get your mind out of the toilet or I will push your head down one. The other thing about them was that were far too big. They took up about a quarter of her head, at least. There is no way there should be any space left for a brain or anything. There was also a rather critical expression, as though she was examining me. I was examining her, so I guess it was only fair. I’d never seen anything like her, and I’m sure she’s never seen anything like me. Then came what was maybe one of, if not the, biggest shock of my life.

“Are you okay?”

She had talked. In perfect English, no less. I had expected gibberish like the White Legs or Dead Horses spoke.

Now, I didn’t answer straight away. After all, this could have been some crazy hallucination or dream. I don’t know why I would be dreaming of what was happening to me, but I’m sure stranger things have happened.

“I think,” I said. I wasn’t just going to say ‘yes’ to a hallucination, okay?

Judging by her expression, she hadn’t expected me to respond. I hadn’t expected her to talk. “You speak my native language?” she asked.

“You speak English?” I asked back.

There was a brief silence at that point. I’m not entirely sure why, though. “What are you?” the striped horse asked me. Yes, I know how fucking strange that sounds. I went through it all.

“I could ask you the same thing,” I answered. Hey, I couldn’t help myself. “Anyway, I’m a human.”

There was more silence, as though it was weighing the truth to my words. “Well then, human, my name is Zecora, and I am a zebra.” Then she paused again. Took me a moment to realise that she was waiting for my name.

“You can call me the Courier.” I wasn’t just going to give it my name.

Zecora frowned at me. “I saved your life, so the least I would expect is your name.”

I laughed at that. Well, more like a weak chuckle, but you get the idea. “I only give my name to those I respect.”

“Saving your life is not enough?”

She was a little angry. Understandable. “Almost. Point me in the direction of my things and I might just - ” And then I was cut off.

I have no idea what I heard at that point. It sounded nice, but then again so does sizzling brahmin steak. It doesn’t really mean anything.

Turns out we had a guest. I had not seen a shade of purple like that outside of gangrenous wounds before, and I haven’t since. This one had a horn as well. And I don’t mean a horn like the ones on Bighorners. No, this one was a perfectly straight cone thing sticking out of the middle of its head, the same colour as the rest of her. No I don’t know how that works.

Oh, did I mention I was almost naked? Yeah, my Riot Gear had been taken off, I guess to check me for any real damage.

“Zecora!” Twilight yelled from outside the small hut. She really didn’t like being in the Everfree any longer that she had to.

The door opened and the zebra who called the hut home appeared, wearing what seemed to be a relieved smile. “I’m so glad you came, Twilight. It has been a long night.”

“Rainbow said that it was stung by a manticore.”

“He is lucky to be alive, that much is true. It has been too long since I’ve had to make such a brew.” The zebra led the mare into the hut, allowing her a look at the being.

Twilight didn’t know what to think. Rainbow had said that the creature was fearsome, that it had fought savagely, killing two manticores with ease. But seeing it like this, on a bed and unclothed, she couldn’t help but think that maybe it wasn’t that terrible. Its face seemed rather gentle, with its rather small nose, bright eyes and strange yet somehow cute ears. From what she could tell, there wasn’t much in the way of body hair, which explained the clothing it had to wear. She stared and analysed the strange creature for a few moments, memorising details so she could record them later.

Without much warning it sat up, scratching its head with a free claw. “What’s that thing on its arm?” she asked.

“Of its function, I do not know. I can tell that it has suffered many a blow,” Zecora answered cryptically.

“What do you mean by that?”

I had no idea what the fuck they were saying. For all I knew, they were deciding whether or not to tie me down and and eat my spleen. Still, at least it sounded pretty. Rather melodic. “What’s she asking?” I didn’t know that the purple one was a female at that point, but there was this... vibe about it.

“She wants to know more about that thing on your arm.” Lucky for me, I was right, the purple one was female.

The funny thing is, after having worn a Pip-Boy thing for months, I’ve kinda forgotten that its a bit of an oddity. I mean, I run around with a high-powered personal computer strapped to my arm. I honestly can’t remember how I managed without one before. “This thing?” I decided to play it safe and gesture at it. Doesn’t hurt to make sure. I got a nod, so I went on. “This is a Pip-Boy. Basically, it keeps track of pretty much anything I want it to, like a diary. It also has maps, can pick up radio, tell me how badly hurt I am, and can act as a torch when I need it to.” Yes, I know I was over-simplifying it, but for all I knew I was dealing with tribals. I wasn’t going to go into the specifics of V.A.T.S or the heads-up display, that would have been overwhelming. “Built to outlast everything.”

I don’t think the zebra believed me. Can’t say I blame her, when Doc Mitchell told me what this thing does I thought he was nuts. You could probably buy a casino in the Strip for one of these. Still can’t believe the old man just gave it to me.

And there was some more of that beautiful gibberish. No, really, ‘beautiful’ is the only way one can really describe it. “My friend here has offered to let you stay with her. The one you rescued yesterday would like to thank you as well, but is still in hospital.”

So there was evidence that I had been out for a whole day. How about that. “Give me my things, and I’ll be going then.” I made to get out of bed, but she pushed me down. Yes, a damn zebra just told me to stay in bed. I know.

“You are still hurt! I will not let you leave like this!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Hurt? This is nothing compared to what I’ve been through.” She was glaring at me at that point. I pulled up my undershirt and showed her the scars. Honestly, its like someone has tried to sharpen a knife on me. They are everywhere. I’m actually sure there is more scar tissue than there is undamaged skin. “I’ve spent the past five months getting beaten, bludgeoned, shot, stabbed, stung, bitten, mauled and clawed by almost everything I’ve come across. A little sting will not keep me down.”

I guess I should have expected the horrified expression. It certainly isn’t pleasant to look at, and the reason behind each one even less so to hear. Still, if this isn't proof that I can handle myself, I don’t know what is. “H-how are you still alive?”

“Luck, medicine and superior firepower.” That’s all there is to it. You only survive out there by bringing the bigger stick. And I bring the biggest fucking stick I can carry all the damn time. At this point I had let go of my shirt and went towards my stuff, which had been sitting just behind a great big cooking pot thing.

As the strange being dressed itself, Twilight gaped. She had seen the sheer number of scars. Many of them seemed old, though more than a few seemed to be recent additions. Rainbow had been right, this being was a definitely savage warrior. She was having second thoughts about letting him follow her to Ponyville.

“Are you sure this is a good idea? Nothing but bad things will come of this, I fear,” Zecora said, sharing her concern.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Twilight said, her confidence waning. “I think I can keep him under control.”

“Are you sure of that, my good friend? I do not wish for you to meet your end.”

Now, the concern in the zebra’s voice was disturbingly prevalent. “I’ll be fine,” Twilight repeated, levitating a rolled-up scroll from her saddlebags. She also pulled out a quill and a jar of ink before she noticed the wide-eyed, slack-jawed stare the human was giving her, one arm sticking through the sleeve of a large coat. “Is he okay?”

Sweet merciful FUCK! I know, it sounds absolutely impossible! Telekinesis! The purple one with the horn was moving things with her mind! I couldn’t see any kind of power supply, strings, anything that might imply that this was some huge trick just to mess with me. They were speaking to each other again, but I didn’t care at that point.

I finished putting on the trenchcoat and reached out, trying to touch the feather. As my left hand got near it, my Pip-Boy started ticking like crazy. I think you know what that means. At first, I thought the Geiger Counter might have been broken. After all, the damn thing was over two hundred years old. But no, not possible. RobCo built their products to last, after all.

Still, I had to be sure. So, I put my hand near it again, ignoring the strange looks. I mean, I had more pressing matters on my mind than what the locals thought of me. Again, it went tick-tick-tickety. I repeated this a few times, like an idiot. Each time, ominous ticking.

This meant one thing, and one thing only; Whatever the horned one was doing, it was dangerously radioactive.

Author’s Notes:

Allow me to say this first: Writing for Zecora sucks massively. Might be why she has so few lines.

Also, has anyone ever done that before?

03

They had been walking through the Everfree for close to five minutes, and already Twilight was feeling very edgy. The human, completely suited up and with all his strange equipment, looked as though he had stepped straight out of a nightmare. The way the ‘face’ of the helmet in no way resembled what lay underneath, the small number of tubes that served some unknown purpose, the glowing red eyes... All in all, she was absolutely sure at this point that bringing him to Ponyville was going to be a HUGE mistake.

At least he seemed peaceful enough. The way he was looking around at everything, seemingly enthralled with... well, everything, was evidence to her that this fellow, strange and possibly hostile as he may be, at least had a respect for nature. Maybe he wasn’t that bad.

Before, when I just wanted to get the hell to anything resembling civilisation, I didn’t really care about looking around. After all, I did think I was just somewhere in America. Now I knew that I was most likely on a completely different planet, it was really strange seeing plants that looked so very similar to things I’ve seen before.

True, I wasn’t exactly able to get a really good look, what with it being rather dark in the forest. So I had to turn on the low-light vision. So everything was a strange shade of grey. Oh well, at least I wasn’t going to trip over my own boots. The last thing I needed to do was make a complete ass of myself in front of a local.

So, nothing happened for the entire twenty minute walk. No, I’m not joking. Just a completely peaceful, uneventful walk through a dank forest. It was actually rather nice, being able to get somewhere without worrying about some drugged-up fuck trying to rob you with a pool cue. So you can imagine my surprise when, after a while in a dark forest, we were practically assaulted by sunlight.

This sunlight wasn’t like the Mojave’s is, oppressive, harsh and merciless. Or the ones in Vaults that are still working properly, all mechanical, processed and sterilised. The sunlight there felt... nice. Calm, gentle, soothing. All those things you just can’t get unless you’re sitting on a fortune. I was still breathing filtered air at that point, so I took off my helmet, more to get rid of the low-light vision. The air! The air smelt so fucking clean! No matter where you go here, there is this lingering scent of decay, of two-century old dust and rust. There was none of that there! Just... I’m sorry, I need a moment.

Twilight couldn’t help but giggle at the way the human just stood there, seemingly overwhelmed. It was very strange, but also made her feel much less threatened. The happy, dazed smile was just too funny to look at. The fact that he was acting as though he had never been around fresh air or sunlight before was still worrying, though. She made a mental note to ask him about that later, after she had found a way around the language barrier.

She made a few steps towards Ponyville, stopping when she realised that the stranger was still standing there. She turned back and prodded him with a hoof, getting no reaction. After a moment of pondering, she decided that it wouldn’t be too much of a strain and enveloped him in her telekinesis.

Before he even got off the ground, the magic-detector on his arm brust into life, ticking like a deranged clock. This seemed to shake him out of his reverie, kicking and screaming in the process.

“STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!”

I panicked, I’ll admit that. You of all people know how horrible radiation is. The last thing ANYONE wants is to get bathed in radioactive goop, and at the time I was sure I was about to spout a third arm from my stomach or something. You can stop laughing, it wasn’t that funny.

Luckily for me, kicking and screaming is pretty universal. The purple glowing stopped and my Pip-Boy stopped ticking. More out of habit than anything, I pulled up the ‘Radiation’ screen to see just how fucked I was. As it turns out, not that bad.

Okay, yes, no amount of radiation is ‘good’, but I was only at about a hundred and fifty, if that. Easily enough for a Radaway or two to deal with. Still, I wasn’t letting her anywhere near me with that horn glowing.

Twilight didn’t know why he had panicked so much at the magic. She hadn’t meant to harm him. But does he know that? she wondered. She knew she had to consider the possibility that, to him, she was a threat of some sort. In a way, the idea was flattering, being considered so dangerous to a being that had easily dispatched a pair of manticores.

“Twilight, git down!” She turned around just in time to see an orange-coated, blonde mare charge at her. The unicorn let out a yelp and dove to the side, giving the pony a clear shot at her travelling companion.

“Applejack, no!” Twilight watched in shock as her friend ran up to the human, pivoted on her forehooves and bucked hard.

The yells brought me back to reality. You ever been kicked by a brahmin? It fucking hurts! The orange one that kicked me then was easily twice as strong. If I had been kicked in the ribs, I’d be okay with that. After all, I’ve taken a Super Sledge or three to the ribs and survived. But no. I just couldn’t be that lucky, despite having won enough at ALL the casinos to get kicked out. No, instead I ended up taking a pair of hooves to the balls. Yeah.

I’m pretty sure I collapsed from the pain at that point. Not like you can blame me. I also blacked out.

“Applejack, what did you do that for!?”

“Whaddya mean?” the farmer asked, her back to the now-unconscious biped.

“You hurt him!” Twilight replied furiously, her mane and tail on the verge of combustion.

“Of course Ah hurt him!” Applejack stared between her friend and the thing she had just assaulted in mild confusion. “That monster from the Everfree was followin’ ya!”

“That ‘monster’ saved Rainbow Dash’s life yesterday, and you just went and bucked him!”

“He did?” Applejack seemed somewhere between disbelief and horror. “Oh no! Mister, are you okay?” she asked as she tried, futilely, to wake him up.

“I don’t think he’s waking up,” Twilight said unhappily. “And even if he did, he can only speak Zebrican.”

“Wait, ‘he’?” Applejack asked, properly registering the use of the male pronoun. The farmer was no biology expert, but she knew enough to have an idea of what she had just done. “So I just... in the...”

It took Twilight a moment to board her friend’s train of thought, but when she did her jaw dropped when she saw where it was headed. “Oh no. Oh no.” She began to hop from hoof to hoof, on the verge of what was possibly the worst panic attack she had ever suffered. Quite the feat for a pony that had managed to brainwash an entire town by accident during one of her more recent ones. “Ohnonononononononononono...”

Lying on the ground before her was an alien visitor. An alien visitor that had selflessly risked its own life to save a pony it didn’t know. An alien visitor that had killed a pair of manticores with ease, only going down after getting stung. An alien visitor that was easily the deadliest warrior seen in Equestria since the time of Nightmare Moon. And one of her friends had just bucked him in the genitals. What a brilliant first impression this was turning out to be.

Applejack recognized the symptoms that her unicorn friend was displaying. “Calm down, sugarcube. Nothin’ we can do now. Ah just hope he ain’t too angry ’bout what I did,” she finished nervously.

“Let’s hope he isn’t the sort to hold a grudge,” Twilight responded. “All right, how about you carry him to the library?”

“What? Why me?” Applejack asked, not fond of the idea of this sort of manual labour.

“He doesn’t seem to react well to my magic. Maybe it’s harmful to him. And besides,” the unicorn pointed out, “it’s your fault that we have to carry him in the first place.”

The farmer let out a sigh. “Ah guess you’re right.” With Twilight’s help she managed to get the human onto her back. “He’s kinda heavy,” she said. “And what’s with all the stuff he’s wearin’?”

“Some of that’s his clothes,” the unicorn responded, balancing the helmet on the tip of her horn.

Applejack chuckled as she began walking back to Ponyville. “Ah can imagine Rarity havin’ a fit when she sees all this.” The pair shared a laugh. “What’s the rest of this stuff, then?”

Twilight’s good mood seemed to evaporate. “I think they’re his weapons. Though how they’re weapons I don’t know.”

“Twi, think about what ya just said.” Applejack had stopped walking to give her friend a very worried look. “Weapons, Twi. Yer lettin’ him bring weapons. Into Ponyville. Just how do ya think everypony is gonna react to that?”

“That’s the thing, Applejack. They don’t look like weapons. As long as nopony else finds out, it shouldn’t be a problem.” Twilight was confident that there was no way anypony would suspect the actual purpose of the strange metal objects, or that anypony would even know how to operate one in the unlikely event they realise what they actually were. The only likely danger in that respect came from Spike or Pinkie Pie. After taking half a second to think that very last part through, she realised just how bad an idea the whole thing was. “And I’ll make sure that they’re hidden,” she quickly added.

“Ah’ll respect yer judgement on this one, Twi, but don’t come cryin’ ta me when everything goes south.”

Author’s Notes:

Well that’s one way to ruin the day. Nice going, AJ.

I have a way around the language barrier, don’t you worry none.

Any guesses about who he’s recounting the story to, by the way? There are a few subtle hints here and there...

04

When I woke up, the first thing I did was not investigate my surroundings. Neither was it searching for my weapons, which I had been deprived of for some reason. Nor did I go off seeking vengeance for the rather violent abuse of my manhood. It did involve my manhood though. It also included the fetal position, tears and a lot of swearing.

Like you can blame me! I’ll bet you three thousand caps that kick would’ve put a dent in a set of T-51b! I’d like to see you even stand up afterwards! I sure as fuck couldn’t.

Twilight’s ears flattened as the human awoke, making a lot of noise in the process. During his unconsciousness, she had attempted to remove the strange thing on his arm. No matter what she did, the locking mechanism had proven far too stubborn, resisting her every attempt. So she used the time until he woke up to find a solution to the language barrier. Which she had.

She was actually in the middle of an attempt to circumvent the problem when he woke up. Doing her best to ignore the pained moaning, she focused on her only copy of the Canterlot Institute of Linguistics Equestrian-Zebrican/Zebrican-Equestrian Dictionary (8th Edition). She had never tried this spell before, never having a need to do so in the past.

She failed to notice the human stop his pained complaints to take notice of the intensifying glow coming from her horn. The pages of the dictionary seemed to be caught in a gale. Her face was twisted in concentration, doing everything in her considerable power to make sure that the spell succeeded.

The flow of magic stopped and Twilight took a step back from the book, a little dazed. She now had, in addition to the other information that ran rampant through her mind, a whole other language. She stumbled about giddily as she tested her new knowledge. “Oh wow,” she said, surprised at the unfamiliar, yet perfectly intelligible sounds. “It worked!” she exclaimed in perfect Zebrican. She began to giggle as she closed the dictionary and returned it to its spot among the bookshelves.

Twilight’s mild euphoria at having accomplished this feat of magic was brought to a complete stop when she heard a strange metallic clicking noise.

“Next time you take my weapons, take all of them.”

She turned to meet the owner of the gruff voice. Sitting on his posterior, pointing some strange metal thing at her, wearing the foulest look she had ever seen on a living creature (and she had been around Angel, Fluttershy’s pet rabbit), was the human.

So I was being dramatic. What of it? Not like you’d be able to resist, right?

I’m just glad her search for my weapons was quick and sloppy, just like the goons in the casinos. They never check your boots for a knife, look for hidden pockets with brass knuckles inside or think you’ve got a revolver tucked into the back of your pants. I know for a fact you’ve got a combat knife strapped underneath the body plate of that combat armor, I can see the tip of the handle. By the way, just who are Rei - ?

Oh, right, the story. So yes, I always go everywhere with a .44 Magnum tucked into the back of my pants. Probably not really safe, but I’d rather not be completely unarmed. Why the Magnum? Well, partly because I have a soft spot for revolvers. Mainly, though, its accuracy and power in a small, easy-to-carry package. You ever been shot with one? Who am I asking, of course you have. You’ve seen how easy people go down. And parts to maintain them are common, too. Cheap, powerful and durable. Ammo can be a bitch, but I only ever have the six shots. Usually all I need to get to my other weapons.

I wasn’t going to shoot her. Intimidate her, yes, but I would never actually harm someone without good reason. Raiders are different, they’ll take every opportunity they get. Then again, she did take my weapons and for all I knew I was being held hostage. But being held hostage usually involves rope and lack of movement. No, wait, that’s a night at the Gomorrah. Hostage situations include weapons! And as far as I was concerned, that horn could easily be one. I was practically in the same room with a perfectly sane Glowing One. All she had to do was start throwing radiation at me and I was as good as dead.

I wasn’t clearly thinking at that point. After all, I did just wake up after taking a hit to the balls that would knock out a Deathclaw Alpha in power armor. Wow, that’s a terrifying thought. I was without most of my weapons. I didn’t know where I was. For all I knew, they were gonna lock me up and do things to me.

So I just sat there, pointing the revolver at her and giving her a death glare. Let me tell you, it was taking so much willpower at that time to not burst out laughing.

It took Twilight a moment to properly take note of the significant parts of what he had said. He had just said something about all his weapons. The fact that one was being pointed at her meant that she had not gotten them all. There was also the possibility that he had even more concealed on him. This meant she now had a dangerous, possibly-heavily armed, and most certainly furious alien inside her house, and she was all alone with him. “Eep.”

There was a tense silence, only broken when the human let out a strangled snort and collapsed into complete laughter, lowering the supposed weapon in the process. Shortly before cringing and grabbing his crotch. “Ohhh. Still hurts.”

Twilight blinked before realising what was going on. “That was a joke!?” she asked loudly. “How is that even funny!?” The alien just blinked, not understanding a word she said. She let out an aggravated sigh and repeated herself in Zebrican.

“You just don’t have my sense of humour,” he replied mockingly. “And since when could you speak English?”

“English?” Twilight asked. “What are you talking about? We’re speaking in Zebrican.”

There was a rather strange silence at that point. “For the sake of this conversation progressing, let’s just say that we’re both right, okay?” the human asked, his tone making it clear that he wanted nothing to do with this topic. “After all, I have a few questions.”

“No! How can we both be right?” Twilight Sparkle argued. “We’re debating about what the name of the language is, it’s logically impossible for us both to be correct!”

All she got for her trouble was an unamused look and the human putting the palm of his hand on his face. “I’m asking questions now,” he said, ignoring her. “Who are you, where am I, and where can I find the one who-” That was when the door opened, revealing Applejack, holding a basket of baked goods in her mouth. “YOU!” the human yelled furiously, pointing the strange thing at her.

I very nearly pulled the trigger there and then. After all, she had kicked me in the balls. The last idiot to do that, I think it was one of the Legion’s assassins, I ended up stomping on his throat and gouging out his eyes. A bullet to the head would have been merciful, really.

Of course, my body decided that there and then was a good time to inform me that I had not eaten since I arrived in that world. I guess the smell of food was enough to remind me. I’m pretty sure that eased the tension. I kept the gun levelled at her. Yeah, another female. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

“Give me the food, and I’ll forget about what you did.” I had to wait for her friend to translate. There was a rather dangerous silence (honestly, I was worried the purple one would try and smite me with radiation) in which I decided, there and then, I would have to find a way around that. I did not like the idea of being followed by some purple horse thing that could ghoulify me if I looked at her wrong.

“Twi,” Applejack said quietly, having dropped the basket of apology pies, “Ah thought you said you was gonna take his weapons from him.”

“I thought I did. He had it hidden on him,” the unicorn whispered back. She listened to the growling come from his stomach, followed by his request. “He says that he’ll forgive you for what you did if you give him the food.”

“That’s why Ah brought it over in the first place.” She nudged the basket closer to him, remembering Twilight’s warning about his hostility towards magic. She looked up at him with what she hoped would come across as an apologetic smile before backing away slowly, keeping a wary eye on the strange metal thing it was holding.

Would you believe me if I were to say that the orange pony that gave me food had a cowboy hat? No, honestly, a great big Stetson. She had her mane done up in a ponytail too. A horse with a ponytail, I know.

Having got the food, I put the gun down. I got what I wanted, and I didn’t think they were much of a threat. They just seemed so innocent. You ever had apple pie? Like, an actual, real apple pie, instead of one of those two-hundred year old things with more preservatives than actual fruit? It was like sex for my sense of taste. We will never have anything that tastes anywhere near as good as those things did here in the Wasteland. Ever. What? No I don’t have any of those pies here.

I don’t know how long it took me, but I ate the whole damn lot. I ended up feeling sick afterwards, but it was worth it. Y’know, there’s no real place for etiquette and table manners out there. After all, you take too long to eat something and next thing you know your camp is swarming with coyotes, bloatflies and every other mutated animal trying to kill you for a quick meal. So yeah, I tore through them like a Deathclaw tears through molerats. “Those were good.”

Look, the taste of those pies was like taking a dozen hits of Jet. There was no way in hell I was going to be coherent.

Author’s Notes:

The T-51b. 5 inches thick and capable of stopping everything short of anti-tank rounds. Still won’t stop Applejack.

Also, Google Docs says that ‘Zebrican’ is a real word. A Google search netted me pictures of Zecora’s plot. I’m cool with that.

05

“I think he likes them,” Twilight whispered as the human tore through the apple pies.

“It’s like he ain’t eaten in days,” Applejack commented, feeling sorry for him. And not only because she had injured him.

“Those were good,” the human commented, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The basket was empty.

Twilight just stared for a moment. “You ate them all already?” she asked, stunned. “There was enough there for three ponies!”

“The last time I ate was before I saved your friend,” he replied, now licking his fingers. “Eugh, I think I ate some dirt. Again,” he said, muttering the last part as though hoping she wouldn’t hear it.

“Do ya think you could stop talkin’ gibberish for a moment?” Applejack asked, not happy with being left out of the conversation.

“We’re speaking Zebrican, Applejack, not gibberish,” Twilight admonished as she switched back to Equestrian, a little unhappy with her friend’s lack of sensitivity.

“Sorry, Twi, I just don’t like it when somepony’s havin’ a conversation and Ah can’t understand a word they’re sayin’.” Applejack glared at the human, who noticed and glared right back. “And Ah don’t trust this fella, even if he did save Rainbow.”

The orange didn’t trust me. I could just tell, something about its tone.

I sound crazy, I know. That’s why I’m telling you this, no-one else would even consider what I’m saying to have any truth to it. I talked to my own brain, and this sounds crazy to me!

What did they look like? Guess I never really told you, huh? Okay, the one with the horn, Twilight Sparkle. She had a purple coat, and her mane and tail were a darker purple. Somehow they had a hot pink stripe running through it. On her flank - Yes I looked at her flank, what of it? Anyway, there was some strange starburst symbol kinda thing there. What colours? Err, the star itself was bright pink, and had six points. There were five stars around it, all white and with five points. I’ll try and draw a picture later.

The other one, the one with the Stetson, her name was Applejack. I know, the names sound stupid to me too. Anyway, she was orange. Her mane and tail were blond. I mean the clean kind of blond you’d see when people were still, y’know, able to bathe on a regular basis. I can’t remember the last time I had a bath. They were both tied up into a ponytail. Yes, a horse with two ponytails, one of them her own actual tail. Sounds fucking stupid, I know. And of course, a Stetson. How she had a Stetson, I still don’t know. Her flank had three apples. Just apples, yes. Nothing special.

The building I was in? There were a fuckton of books on the walls in shelves, so a library. And when I say a fuckton of books, I mean there were probably more intact books there than there are in the Mojave combined.

Did I tell you how tall they were? No? Okay, well, they were about four feet high at the head, maybe a bit taller. What? You’re telling me they’re actually called ponies? I thought that word existed only on their world! Okay, this is some seriously weird shit. You have any idea how that even makes sense? If it makes sense?

“So what do ya plan on doin’ with this fella, anyways?” Applejack asked, taking back the basket.

“He’ll need a place to stay,” Twilight mused. “I don’t have much room here, so...” She turned to her farmer friend expectantly.

“I ain’t lettin’ him stay at the farm, Twi,” Applejack replied.

“But why not?”

“Because there ain’t no tellin’ just what that fella might do. Din’t Rainbow say that he killed a pair of manticores?” She pointed an accusing hoof at the human. “Ah don’t want anythin’ like that anywhere near mah kin!”

“It only killed them because it saw that she was in danger.” Applejack noted the hesitation in her voice.

“If yer so sure, why doncha ask him?”

Twilight turned to the human, who had been watching them the whole time. “Excuse me, mister...” She trailed off awkwardly. “Do you have a name?”

He seemed to laugh at the idea of not having one. “Of course I have a name. For now, though, you can just call me the Courier.”

Twilight was not amused by his answer. “That’s not a name, that’s a job title.”

“A title, yeah. One I’m fond of.” The Courier scratched himself. “After all, it’s what I did for a while. So,” he asked abruptly, “what do I call you, little purple horse?”

“My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I am a unicorn.” Twilight replied, unhappy with how the conversation was going. “That’s my friend Applejack. You’re in my home in Ponyville, which is in Equestria.”

The Courier processed that information slowly. “Well, there goes all hope of being anywhere on Earth,” he said.

“’Earth’? That’s a strange name for a world,” Twilight commented.

“Well I didn’t name it,” the Courier responded harshly, as though being accused of suffering from a lack of imagination. “I just live there.”

“Oooooookay...” Twilight said carefully, a little wary of the perceived aggression. “So where are you from?” she asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

“The city of New Vegas, in the Mojave Wasteland,” he answered. “Well, not exactly, but that’s where I live now. Kind of.”

Twilight’s questioning was interrupted by Applejack. “Dangit, Twi, could ya not do that?” the farmer asked indignantly. “And what did he say?”

“He says to call him ‘Courier’, and he’s from somewhere called ‘New Vegas’.”

Applejack looked at her expectantly. “And?” she asked. Twilight blinked in confusion, further aggravating the farmer. “Urgh! I asked you ta ask him why he killed them manticores!”

“Oh, right,” Twilight replied sheepishly. She turned back to the human. “Mr. Courier, why did you kill the manticores?”

“Manti-what nows?” he asked, confused.

“The two things you killed in the Everfree Forest,” Twilight elaborated.

“Oh! Those,” he exclaimed. “Well, the first one, I was pretty sure that it was attacking an intelligent creature, one that came from something resembling civilisation. I had no idea at the time, though.” he explained. “Glad I did. The second one probably heard me trying to talk with your colourful friend.”

Twilight turned back to Applejack. “He says that he killed the first one to protect Rainbow. The second one was self-defense,” she translated to the farmer, hoping that it would help her relax. It didn’t.

“And you believe him?” she asked. “This here alien shows up and kills a pair of manticores like they were nothin’! And you’re happy to let him wander around Ponyville!?” Applejack didn’t care that she was yelling at the top of her lungs. She just wanted the human nowhere near Ponyville.

I couldn’t understand a word that was being said, but I didn’t really need to. The orange one seemed happy to try and run me out of town. I didn’t have much to work with, though. Threatening them was only going to end badly, it always does. I knew I had to talk to her, but there was no way I’d be able to pull that off. Language barriers fucking suck.

Of course, I’m a quick thinker. Wouldn’t be running a casino if I wasn’t. But as is natural in such situations, I needed help. “Twilight,” I asked. Yes, I asked the damn pony for help. “Is there any way you can get your friend there to understand what I’m saying?”

She seemed shocked. Probably doesn’t help that I was looking pretty damn angry. That’s what I was told, anyway. I wouldn’t have a clue, you just don’t notice it yourself. “I-I guess? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” The fact that she was concerned for my safety was one of the reasons I liked her.

“Probably not, but I’ll risk radiation poisoning and broken ribs if it gets her off my back.” Speaking of radiation poisoning, I could feel the effects of it. It was taking everything I had to not throw up. It also felt like the room was spinning.

“I... I might be able to get her to understand Zebrican with a translation spell.” She was obviously weighing her options. “But it’ll be a one-way thing, and temporary.”

Not a perfect solution, I know, but better than nothing, right? “That’ll have to do.”

“He wants to speak to you. Directly,” Twilight said in response to the farmer’s most recent angry outburst about being left in the dark.

“How is he meant to do that?” Applejack asked, her anger mixing with curiosity.

“If you stay still, I should be able to make it so you can understand what he’s saying,” the unicorn explained. “I’m not sure how long it’ll last, though,” she said, her horn glowing purple.

After a few seconds with nothing seemingly happening, Applejack spoke up. “Well? Ain’t ya doin’ this?”

“I think she already did.” The farmer jumped and turned to the source of the new voice, the human. “Nice hat, by the way,” he said with a nod.

“Thanks?” the orange pony said carefully.

“He can’t understand you,” Twilight said as the Courier looked blankly at them.

“I want you to listen to what I’m going to say,” he said. “Might help you understand why I’m the way I am.” Applejack nodded warily. “Barely two months ago, I was in a battle, the most recent in a long war between the New California Republic and Caesar’s Legion.” Both ponies stared at him; the concept of war, while not alien, was one they found almost impossible to grasp. “Before that, about two hundred years, a war my ancestors fought nearly wiped out all life on the planet. We’re still picking up the pieces,” he said bitterly. “The world I come from, it’s kill or be killed. That’s why I was so ready with threatening you with a weapon before. If you wake up after being attacked, it usually means some very bad things are about to happen.” He scowled. “Last time that happened to me, a bunch of crazy robots pulled out my heart, my spine and my brain,” he said offhandedly. “I’m simply a product of my environment. I’m sure you haven’t gone days without food, water and sleep. I bet you haven’t had to limp for six hours with a knife in your leg because a fight didn’t go as well as it should’ve and he got lucky. And you’ve never walked into a town and seen the streets littered with bodies.”

Both ponies were on the verge of being sick, the idea of such hardship, pain and all-round wrongness too much for them. How could one being survive so much and still seem so... happy? And having his brain removed! There was no way he should still be alive!

“You have no right to judge me, Miss Applejack. Not until you’ve been through what I have.” He turned away and put a hand to his mouth. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw up and pass out in my own vomit.” Both ponies gave a confused stare which quickly turned to shock and horror as he did just that.

Author’s Notes:

A tad late, but eh.

Also, a quick bit of research revealed to me that nausea and vomiting are actual symptoms of radiation poisoning. Also, radiation isn’t as deadly in the Fallout universe as it is in ours.

06

“Well, Fluttershy, what do you think?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” the pegasus mumbled. “He just keeps on shaking, and I don’t know why.” She was on the verge of tears. Caring for creatures was her special talent, and to simply be unable to do anything while he lay there, suffering, was breaking her heart.

The Courier was laying on his back on the library floor, stripped of most of his clothing. The myriad scars, burns and bruises horrified Fluttershy, but she pushed through. All that mattered to her was that he woke up. Something that didn’t seem likely.

In the corner sat Applejack, staring at the ground. She couldn’t believe how harsh she’d been. Of course no creature could commit such acts without a good reason. She’d simply too stubborn to see that.

You ever passed out from radiation exposure? Really? Two weeks in a coma? Fuck, you must’ve walked into a fucking reactor or something. How’d you survive? A Mister Gutsy, really? Where’d you find one of those?

What? Oh, right the story. So, passing out from radiation exposure. Far from pleasant, as you obviously know. Apparently, I was only out for a few hours. Getting knocked out was starting to become a bad habit, and not one of those fun ones like doing Jet. I didn’t even know what day it was or how long I was in their world.

Waking up... Well, I felt stiff. You know how corpses get after a few hours, I think it’s called rigor mortis? Well, it felt like that. “Hey,” I managed to croak out. I’m honestly amazed I could even get my jaw to move.

“Ohmigosh, you’re awake!” Suddenly my face was filled with purple. Twilight had just put her face right in front of mine. “I was so worried!” And that’s a line you don’t hear much in the Wasteland.

“You trying to take my eye out?” I can be a smart-ass motherfucker whenever. Mind you, it was a legitimate concern, that horn was almost touching me. And who knows what that would have done!

“Oh, sorry.” Breathing space is always nice, especially after what I’d just been through. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve had worse.” I did try to sit up at that point, but I was pushed down. Not by Twilight, but a different pony.

This one was, well, cute. Yes I just said that. I know. Shut up. I thought you wanted to hear this story? Then keep your mouth shut and listen. Like I said, cute. She was light yellow, like... hm, I’ll find something later for a comparison. Her mane and tail were a pale pink, and both really long. She also had wings, like the rainbow one I had saved earlier. When I was able to see her flank later, I saw... it looked like a trio of cazadores, but the shape was off, not to mention the colour. Moths, or butterflies maybe? I dunno, they’re all extinct, aren’t they?

Anyway, I stayed down. I still felt like shit. Didn’t stop me from pulling up the Radiation tab on my Pip-Boy. Somehow, I’d hit a bit over five hundred. No wonder I collapsed. That’s enough radiation to kill a child, I think.

“Where’s my stuff?”

“I put your armour with your weapons.” Keeping everything that makes me deadly in one place, Twilight was. Clever girl. “You can’t seriously be expecting to put it back on like you are now!”

“I know when to rest,” I replied calmly. “What I need is some of the stuff that was with my armour. Look for orange-coloured packets. Bring all of them to me.” At first, I didn’t think she’d do it. But she did, levitating it wherever she’d hidden it. “Do not let that glowing crap near me.”

Twilight’s eyes widened when he said that. She’d had her suspicions, and this... “My magic’s harmful to you, isn’t it?” she asked sadly, unwilling to believe that her greatest gift was hurting another creature, even unintentionally.

“Magic?” the Courier asked. “I guess it doesn’t matter what you call it, but yeah it’ll kill me.”

Twilight let the strange packets of stuff drop to the ground. “Um, what did he say?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“My magic will kill him,” the unicorn said quietly. “I’m dangerous to him.” From her tone, it was perfectly clear that she couldn’t believe it.

“What’s he doin’!?” They both turned to Applejack, who was pointing a hoof at the human. They spun around in time to see the Courier take a spike of some sort, connected to one of the packets, and jab it into his arm. Then, probably more alarmingly, he squeezed the packet, sending the orange liquid through the tube and into his body.

I hate using Radaway. Goes through me like a herd of stampeding brahmin. Still, beats the alternative. And it’s not like there are any doctors around who could’ve purged it from my system. Turns out, these ponies need that to live, a bit like ghouls. Take away all that radiation or magic, call it whatever you want, fatal.

Took four Radaways to clear me out. Had to explain what I was doing after the first one, they thought I was maiming myself. Then I pissed like a river. Then I drank like I’d been stranded in the middle of the Mojave for a week. After that, I put my pants back on and sat on the floor. The yellow one, she was persistent. Gave me a thorough once-over. I wasn’t going to say no to a free medical check-up, that’d be stupid. And she was quite good. Even though she had hooves. Only the unicorns can move stuff with their minds. Good thing, too.

“So that stuff purges your body of all toxins?” And Twilight Sparkle was questioning me about Radaway.

“Just radiation,” I explained calmly. No point getting angry with the little pony, huh? “Or magical residue, whatever you want to call it.”

“The proper term is ‘thaumatic fallout’.” Tell me that does not sound ominous. “But I’ve never heard of it being dangerous before.” I couldn’t help but stare. With the word ‘fallout’ in the name, how was that even possible!?

“Yes, well...” Fluttershy was still going over my chest wounds at the time. She ended up prodding me just over the heart. I don’t care how thorough the Auto-Doc in the Sink is, it just couldn’t get that right.That scar is still really sensitive. Touch me and I’ll break your fingers.

Fluttershy let out a quiet “eep!” as the Courier let out a pained yelp and jumped. As he gingerly rubbed the area in question, she let out a stream of apologies. “Oh gosh I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you! Please forgive me, I - ”

“‘Fluttershy, he can’t understand a word yer sayin’,” Applejack said from her corner. “Besides, Ah don’t think he really minds. Ah mean, lookit him.” She gestured to the network of scars on his chest. “A little jab like that don’t seem like it’ll bother him much.”

“I wonder how he got all those scars anyway,” Twilight wondered out loud.

“I can’t imagine how anything could go through so much,” Fluttershy whispered.

“I could ask him,” Twilight said. “Mr. Courier, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you get so... scarred?” she asked in perfect Zebrican.

He looked at her for a moment, as though in deep thought. “I honestly couldn’t tell you,” he said solemnly. “Everything just kinda starts running together after a while.” Twilight pouted at this. She had wanted to hear his story, but if he couldn’t remember any of it... “I’ve probably killed close to a thousand people.” And now she wanted nothing to do with the subject. “Most in self-defense!” he exclaimed in an attempt to make things better. It did no such thing.

“’Most’?” she asked quietly. “What do you mean by ‘most’?”

“Exactly what I said,” the Courier replied calmly. “Where I’m from, some folks don’t deserve a second chance. They’re no better than a rabid animal, and need to be put down.” The way he said it so calmly, as though it was simply a fact of life that couldn’t be changed... Twilight had no idea how to feel about that. She was saved the trouble of concentrating any further on the matter by Fluttershy tapping her on the shoulder. This was because the shock sent her rocketing into the air with a squeal.

So I traumatized the pony a bit, what of it? Not like I can take it back. Argh! You fucker, I said that was sensitive! I can’t believe you’re that upset about what I did. Hell, you think that’s bad, you probably won’t want to hear one of the next bits.

She calmed down, you know. It just took a bit of convincing. Just had to remind her that our world is nothing like their’s. Got her to think of it as a story, y’know? A bit like the story of the Sierra Madre’s treasure, something that’s real but fantastic enough to be dismissed. Yes, like the story I’m telling you right now.

So, we talked for a while. The other two asked me a few questions, I answered, Twilight acting as translator. It was peaceful, for a while. Then what I thought was a small Fire Gecko ran into the building. Would’ve shot it too if they hadn’t taken all my guns.

Good thing they did too. That’s right, another talking animal! Apparently, he’s a dragon. His name is Spike. And he’s Twilight’s assistant. That’s all they told me. Yeah, that’s how I imagined dragons too.

Poor guy seemed exhausted too, like he’d been running from a pack of Deathclaws.

Spike looked at the creature sitting on the floor before shaking his head. “It can wait,” he panted.

“Spike?” Twilight asked. “What happened?”

“Ah thought you were lookin’ after the Crusaders?” Applejack asked, turning away from the Courier, who was staring at Spike in shock, one hand scrabbling around as though he was looking for something.

“I - I was,” he said carefully.

“Spike,” Twilight said commandingly. “Did something happen?”

The young dragon gulped. “Spike,” Fluttershy said quietly, “we’re not angry. We just want to know where the girls are.”

By this point, the Courier had stopped trying to find his gun. “What is that?” he whispered to Twilight.

“He’s my assistant.” The unicorn failed to notice the human’s confusion. “His name is Spike. He’s a dragon.”

Applejack called Twilight’s name, letting the bewildered look on the human’s face go unnoticed. “Can ya not go speakin’ gobbledegook without warnin’ us?” the farmer asked angrily.

“Since when could you speak Zebrican?” Spike asked.

“That doesn’t matter,” Twilight replied. “Where are the girls?”

An uneasy silence followed. “You remember how Rarity got taken by those Diamond Dogs?” There was the sounds of agreement from the ponies. “Sweetie Belle convinced me to go with her. She thought she could pull off Rarity’s gem-locating spell.”

“But that’s Rarity’s talent,” Twilight said.

“I know,” Spike replied as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “They hadn’t tried Cutie Mark Crusaders Gem Miners yet though, and - ”

“Oh no,” Applejack said quietly. “Diamond Dogs got Applebloom?” she asked. The other ponies gasped.

Author’s Notes:

DUN DUN DUN!

Well, that “dark” tag’s about to come into play.

Oh, and I'm being really blatant about the identity of the Courier's audience. As much as I can without just outright saying it...

07

You heard me right. Three of the children, girls too, had been taken as slaves. Makes you wonder why they would let them just walk off. There was the dragon, though I can’t see how he’s much of a threat. Except for the whole fire-breathing thing, but seriously, he was two feet tall! He’s not gonna be any good in a fight! Which is exactly why Twilight made sure he stayed put.

When they told me what was going on... I guess I might’ve snapped a bit. Can you blame me? No-one deserves to be forced into slavery, not even raiders. Really? You took down an entire slaver base? By yourself? Well fuck, remind me not to piss you off.

“I’m going to help you.”

“What?” Twilight asked Courier. She turned from Applejack and Fluttershy to see that he had found all his clothing and his weapons. He had one, a strange box-like thing with a large cylinder on one end, in his hands.

“I said I’m going to help you rescue those girls.” The ponies couldn’t help but notice just how creepy he sounded with the helmet muffling his voice, or how scary he looked with it on. “You can’t stop me. And neither can they.”

“Look,” Twilight started to say, only to be cut off by Applejack.

“Ah reckon he should come,” the farmer said. “Think about it, Twi,” she continued in response to the bewildered stare she got, “we only got away last time coz they weren’t expectin’ us to fight back and coz Rarity managed to do... whatever she did. We ain’t got that this time. They know we’re comin’.”

Twilight shook her head as she tried to conjure a counter-argument. Only she was interrupted again, this time by Fluttershy. “Twilight, I’d rather not fight, but if we have to we should have somepony who can. Um, I mean, if you think we should...”

Twilight gaped at her friends, but couldn’t find it in her to be angry. They had just pointed out two major flaws to their... they didn’t even have a plan, she realised in shock. They were just going to blindly rush there and get caught themselves.

“You can come, Mr. Courier.” She was sure she could see a smile under the mask. “But you have to listen to me.”

“Fine.” He made to go out the door before bringing himself short. “Something tells me that going outside won’t be a good idea.”

“We can’t take him outside,” Twilight said to the other ponies. “Applejack, you reacted violently, and you’re one of the most level-headed ponies I know. What do you think the rest of the town will do?”

The three mares became very pensive as they tried to think of a way to get their new ‘friend’ out of the library undetected.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” They turned to see him pull out a strange device and attach to the thing on his wrist. They got the shock of their lives as he vanished from sight. “This thing will only last an hour. We better move.”

Ah, Stealth Boy, where would I be without you? Probably splattered on some wall in the Divide, I’m guessing.

So, we get there, and it’s some huge dirt plain. Took about two hours to get there, but we were out of the town in about forty-five, maybe fifty minutes. Didn’t get caught. Let me tell you, it was so fucking colourful! There really isn’t much more I can say about the place, honestly. It’s the kind of thing you need to see yourself.

Okay, a bit about what we were fighting. They’re called Diamond Dogs. They eat gems, rocks. They can tunnel. They’re incredibly fast and strong. Basically, take a bit of Deathclaw and mix it with the Tunnelers of the Divide. They’re also dumber than a mutant, about as good in a fight as a chem addict with a broken arm and are as armoured as a nudist.

First thing I did? Pull my submachine gun off my back and make sure a round is chambered. First thing Twilight Sparkle did? The purple one. Do I need to write you a list?

“Put that away.” That’s what she said. No, really. No I am not making this up.

“I’m not going down there without being prepared.” Then I checked my Sequoia. 6 handload rounds, maximum damage and efficiency. Displacer Glove, energy cell fully charged and ready. Marksman carbine, a full magazine of hollow-point rounds. Definitely prepared.

“I don’t want you hurting them, though.” They’re naive. They think they can solve any problem with enough talking. Sometimes, they’d be right. I guess you know what happens when talks break down, though.

“Remember how I said some folks don’t deserve a second chance? Those who take children from their families as slaves are on that list.” I would’ve continued, but my HUD started showing red blips everywhere.

Twilight was about to resume her argument, only to interrupted by the sound of ominous rumbling. “Uh oh...” The mare looked around frantically, trying to locate the source. Applejack and Fluttershy were doing the same, the pegasus muttering to herself fearfully while the farmer had pulled a lasso from... somewhere. The Courier just stood there calmly, as though he had known it was coming.

A horrifying thought struck Twilight Sparkle. How had he known? Were his intentions far from pure? Had this all been a ruse to get them enslaved as well? So caught up in these thoughts that she only noticed the Diamond Dog emerge two feet to her left when it was too late to move. Her eyes went wide as she beheld the spear in one of its hands, the net in its other, the twisted snarl of glee it was wearing.

Time seemed to slow as she tried to focus her magic. A teleport was out of the question, she didn’t have enough time to charge up the spell. The best she could do was pull up a shield or push the Dog away with her telekinesis. Before she could decide what to do, there was a sound akin to an explosion and the smell of something burning. The Diamond Dog fell, his expression one of horror and confusion as the gaping hole in his chest bled out.

There were five more explosions in quick succession, followed by five thuds and a matching number of pained howls. Twilight quickly looked around to see five more Diamond Dogs, each of them on the ground in complete agony.

She didn’t know what had happened. Her first thought was that maybe she had done something in her panic.

“What did ya do!?” Applejack yelled. The unicorn turned to her friend, worried that the angry outburst had been directed at her, and saw her looking at the human in terror.

For his part, the human seemed the perfect model of tranquility. They watched as he did something with his weapon, knocking a cylindrical part out, shaking loose six ‘shells’ and replacing them with six apparently fresh ones with speed and efficiency that could only come from much practice. Twilight shuddered at the thought of how much practice he must’ve had. “Why did you just stand there?” he asked harshly.

“How could you kill them so easily!?” Twilight yelled back, doing her best to make sure her gaze didn’t linger on the corpses.

“Scum like that don’t deserve to live,” he said venomously. “I was doing the world a service.” At that moment another Diamond Dog, unaware of the situation topside, burst from the ground right behind the Courier. Twilight yelled out a warning that wasn’t needed.

The Courier dropped to one knee, avoiding the first swing made by the Diamond Dog. The second punch was blocked, and immediately countered with an uppercut to the chin with his left fist. This sent the canine reeling, and to his doom.

The Courier leapt forward, bringing his right fist down heavily onto the Diamond Dog’s head. Normally, this would have knocked him unconscious and left him with a serious concussion. With the Displacer Glove... there was little in the way of a head remaining. The spray of gore that ensued was, for lack of a better word, tremendous.

The ponies stared, wide-eyed and in terror, as the Courier turned around, splattered with brain, blood and bone. “What?” he asked calmly, as though nothing had happened.

Applejack took a step back towards Fluttershy, who had long since fainted. “Ah-Ah can’t do this, Twi, Ah just can’t,” she stammered. “Ah can’t be around this fella if he’s gonna go murderin’ all those Diamond Dogs.”

“Applejack...” Twilight said before trailing off. “Take Fluttershy back to the library. Get Spike to send the Princess a letter, we might need help.”

“Can do, Twi,” the farmer replied, immensely happy for a reason to not be around the human.

“Where are they going?” the Courier asked, pointing a finger at the two disappearing ponies.

“To get help,” Twilight replied, not adding that said ‘help’ might wind up fighting him. There was a brief moment of silence. “How were you able to do that?” the unicorn asked.

“If you want to survive where I’m from, you gotta be prepared to let part of yourself die,” the human replied, a note of sadness in his voice. “Namely, the part of you that knows that killing is wrong. The Courier sighed. “I’d rather solve this whole mess with words, believe me, but they attacked first. We ain’t got a choice now but to finish it.” The Courier looked around. “Let’s find a way down,” he said. Those girls ain’t gonna save themselves.

Author’s Notes:

Well... I ain’t got much, really. Enjoy, I s’pose.

08

Let me tell you, people take low-light optics for granted. I could barely see three feet in front of me without the damn things. Seeing the Dogs had started throwing spears, I’m glad.

The whole set of caverns was illuminated, barely, by gems sticking out of the walls. Apparently, perfectly natural there. We were practically led there by those Dogs attacking us. That’s what I don’t get. I managed to tear through at least fifteen of the damn things. Why did their buddies think they stood any sort of chance?

I was on to my last magazine for my submachine gun before we found them. And of course, they were guarded, two Dogs for each pony. There was no way I could just shoot my way through that situation. Odds were, I’d hit one of them, even with VATS.

The mare could only watch as her human companion blazed a trail of bloody destruction through the Diamond Dogs as though they were made of paper. Each one he had ruthlessly, effortlessly killed, dodging around the spears that were sent in his direction with ease. Somehow, the entire situation was made worse by the fact that he didn’t even seem to see the corpses, walking on and over them as though they weren’t there. She was just glad that she could barely see in the gloom. She was sure that her nightmares would be filled with these images and that being able to actually see them would only makes them worse.

Twilight didn’t know how many the Courier had eliminated, but they eventually found what they had come down into the caves to find. Her heart sank at what she saw. The three fillies were there, along with six Diamond Dogs. The fillies themselves were locked behind barred doors, covered in dirt and cuts. “Twilight?” Apple Bloom asked timidly. One of her eyes had been swollen shut and she was holding a leg awkwardly. “Is that you?”

The unicorn could almost feel the Courier shaking with rage besides her. “They hurt them. They fucking hurt them.” He dropped his weapon and pulled the other, sleeker one of his back. “They’re gonna pay,” he growled.

“Wait,” Twilight said, hoping to halt his murderous rampage. “We should try talking first.”

The Courier seemed to glance at her. “Try if you want. I think we’re past that, though, he replied harshly. “They try anything, I’ll have a few new coats.”

The mare couldn’t stop herself from shivering at the way he said that. She couldn’t help but wonder just who was the bigger threat here, the Dogs or him. She cleared her throat and turned to the Dogs. “Let the fillies go and we won’t hurt you.”

The Diamond Dogs laughed. “Let them go?” one of the asked. “Little ponies work for us now!” responded another. In the gloom, she had a little trouble identifying the speakers.

“Hey!” the orange pegasus filly, Scootaloo, yelled out. “We don’t work for nopony!” The Dog nearest her shoved the butt of his spear through the door and slammed her in the face with it. As she rolled away, holding a hoof to the newest bruise, there was a loud bang and a yelp of intense pain.

Twilight turned to see the Courier looking down the scope of his weapon, the small metal ‘barrel’ smoking slightly. She followed the line of sight and was horrified to see that one of the Diamond Dogs, the one that had just struck Scootaloo, was clutching a leg that seemed to have exploded. Even in the gloom, she was sure that she could see bone between the Dog’s claws.

“The next one to hurt one of the girls isn’t getting back up again, he said menacingly, forgetting that Twilight was the only one who could understand him.

Understandably, the Diamond Dogs were scared. The strange being, clothed in armour unlike anything they had ever seen and wielding a weapon of frightening power, had just incapacitated one of them with minimal effort. They couldn’t understand what he had said, but they didn’t have to. His tone said it all: I will kill each and every one of you.

As one, they all agreed to do the reasonable thing. One of them opened the door to the cell the fillies were in as the rest lowered their spears. “Go,” one of the said. “Leave and take monster with you,” another growled.

All it took to get them free was to horrifically maim one of their captors. And slaughter the ones in the way. Quite honestly, it was a lot easier than I was used to. Typically things would end with me covered in blood and the hostages close to death.

Twilight still carried them out, though. At least two of them were too injured to walk on their own, and they were too tired anyway. It’s probably a good thing it was so dark in those caves. I think the last thing such innocent children needed to see were bodies.

And that’s the thing. Every child in the wastes, from DC to The Hub, has at least some concept of death. True, it could just be one of the Brahmin on their ranch getting killed by a wild dog. But, y’know, more often than not they end up having to defend themselves against raiders. I’ll be honest, I was a little jealous. Who knows how we would’ve turned out if we’d been born and raised in a place like Equestria?

Twilight was just glad to be out of the caves. No doubt in her mind now, they would definitely be the setting of the next nightmare or ten she would have. She was just glad, though, that they had gotten the fillies out safe. She turned to the Courier. “I’m glad that’s over.”

The Courier, who had since taken off his helmet, stared at her in shock. Then he placed the palm of his hand on his face. “You did not just say that,” he groaned.

“Miss Twilight, what’s wrong with tha alien?” Applebloom asked, looking at the human curiously. Sweetie Belle was a little too scared to look at its face, instead taking note of its odd apparel. Scootaloo, being Scootaloo, was looking at him in awe.

“I don’t know,” the unicorn replied. “Mr. Courier, is something wrong?”

He shook his head before replying. “No, no, just...” He sighed. “Just trying to remember which is stronger, whiskey or absinthe.”

“Absinthe,” Twilight shot off without a thought. “And how is that relevant to anything?” she asked, her brain catching up to her mouth.

“Because I need a really strong drink,” he replied angrily, still being vague enough to confuse Twilight.

We got back to the town, again me using a Stealth Boy. Hey, the last thing I needed was a complete freak-out by the locals. Besides, how do you think they’d react to you? No offense, but, well... yeah.

We got back to the library, and I was told to go inside and wait. Twilight wanted to take the girls back to their families. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. After all, I had just saved three children from a fate worse than death. So, I went in, sat on the ground and waited. With a bottle of absinthe.

Halfway through the bottle, I realised that the two ponies Twilight had sent to get help never did anything of the sort. I was a little drunk, so I didn’t understand just how significant this was. I know, stupid.

Twilight was back soon enough. Said the families were just happy the girls were safe. Couldn’t ask for more, except maybe some sort of self-defence training. Then someone knocked on the door.

When she opened it... I’m not proud of what happened next, I’ll admit that. Honestly, though, that’s why I’m not taking you to Jacobstown. You’d react just like I did. Doesn’t help that I was more than a little drunk.

And so, on my fifth or sixth day there, no idea which it was, I got kicked in the head by a member of the Royal Guard and arrested for assault. I wasn’t awake for the arrest, mind you. I got told that happened later.

Author’s Notes:

Can anyone guess why he tried to hit a Guardpony?

And what's this about the person he's talking to, hmm?

09

When I came to, I was in a cell. And they’d taken my helmet, my coat and my weapons. Even the Magnum tucked into the back of my pants. Oh, and all my chems and food. I also had a mild hangover and a massive headache from where I got kicked. According to my Pip-Boy, I had a concussion and I’d somehow taken 148 Rads.

As for the cell, well, it was definitely comfortable, as far as cells go. Something you could call a bed, except it was a bit short for me, was on one of the walls. A small bowl, I’m guessing it was so I could take a shit or something when I needed to. A small window, with bars of course. And they’d left me an apple on the ground, too. Nice of them.

So, I took the apple and took a look out the window. Don’t know what I expected to see, but what I did set me on edge. There were a bunch of ponies walking around in armour. I showed you the Legate’s Armour, right? The stuff I took off Lanius? Well, it looked a bit like that. Only a bit. It seemed a lot more... decorative, I s’pose. Also, the helmet was completely open, and the plume was blue and seemed to run along the body, if that makes sense.

Taking a closer look, though... I felt very stupid about what I did. Five seconds of closer inspection was enough to tell me that they looked nothing like Legion. And I had punched one of them in the throat. After I had cracked my bottle of absinthe over his head. I was especially upset about that. I’d only had half the bottle when I did that!

I was actually happy when the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me got my attention. Something to take my mind off what I had done, y’know?

Princess Celestia was old, there was no denying that. She had seen Equestria arise from three tribes squabbling over resources to a proud kingdom that spanned thousands of miles. She had fought the Avatar of Disharmony, countless demons, even her own sister after her unfortunate demonic possession. She had held talks with Griffons, Minotaurs, Buffalo, Diamond Dogs and even the elusive Sea Ponies.

So to say that there was something in the castle’s dungeons that had never been seen before anywhere in Equestria was strange. She was sure, at first, that it was simply something that had been lost to the mists of times and had only just resurfaced. Her first thought was that maybe it was a Flutterpony, she hadn’t seen one in centuries. Or perhaps a Grundel?

What was in the cell, though, wasn’t a Flutterpony or a Grundel. It was closer to a Minotaur, but the torso was much slimmer. Bipedal in nature, and wearing much clothing. What little hair she could see atop its head was a gentle brown, messy and unkempt. Its face had a number of scars, the most noticeable one that ran the from the bottom of the left eye to the top of its lip in a curve. What she noticed most, though, when it turned to face her, were the eyes.

They are called the windows to the soul, and for good reason. What she felt, in the depths of the dull green orbs, was something she had never truly expected. Immeasurable pain and suffering, both felt by the creature and inflicted upon others. Deep sorrow and hatred, directed at the same target. A burning desire to right any perceived wrongs. Perhaps the most significant, though, was hope, a shining beacon in his heart that guided his actions.

A simple look in his eyes told her that there was no-one on this world, Pony, Griffon or otherwise, who had the slightest idea what he had been through. Not even her.

This one... well, it was interesting. A perfectly white coat, a horn that could be used a weapon without resorting to flash-ghoulifying someone, and wings that actually seemed somewhat functional. I didn’t see the wings in use, but they certainly seemed that way. The mane and tail, though, they were the interesting parts. They seemed to move on their own, like there was a wind that I just couldn’t feel. Also, shiny. I’d also bet that if I were to stick my hand in there I’d immediately absorb a lethal dose of Rads. She was wearing a crown and lots of jewellery, and was a lot taller than all the others I’d seen before. I assumed that she was unique, which wasn’t exactly the case.

Oh, and we talked for a bit. I was in a cell, it’s not like I could go anywhere.

“Greetings,” Celestia said cautiously, subtly making her words understandable to all.

“Nice to meet you,” he replied, taking a bite of the apple.

Ah, Zebrican, Celestia thought. That makes things easier. “Nice to meet you too, the alicorn replied cordially. “I am Princess Celestia.”

“And I’m the Courier.”

The Princess rose an eyebrow. “That’s more a title than a name,” she said, an eyebrow raised. “But I’m sure you have your reasons” she added with a smile.

He shrugged as he chewed on his apple. “I used to be a courier, it kinda stuck. Not that I mind.” He swallowed his mouthful and wiped his mouth with his arm. “Besides, couriers are the backbone of the Mojave. We make or break towns.” He let out a chuckle as he took another bite. “You don’t mess with the guy who delivers your mail.”

Celestia decided that statement was far from important and decided to ask something that had worried her. “I understand you were brought here for attacking a member of my guard.” Before she could get any further, he raised a hand and interrupted her.

“And I want to apologise for that. I was drunk, and I thought they belonged to Caesar’s Legion.”

“Twilight mentioned that you were a soldier,” Celestia said quietly. “Is that who you were fighting, this ‘Legion’?”

“Technically, I’m a civilian contractor. I fought the Legion because they were a fanatic pack of rapists, slavers and murderers that had united under a single banner and gotten their hands on some powerful weapons.” Centuries of practice was the only thing that let Celestia stop herself from showing her horror. “They based their armour, structure and culture on an ancient civilisation. Right down to treating women as animals and nailing people to crosses.”

“If that is the case, then I am glad that you fought against them,” the alabaster alicorn replied, keeping her rage under control. For a matriarchal society like Equestria, the idea of females being treated as anything less than equal was one that had very nearly led to warfare in the past. “I’ve heard that you’re responsible for the deaths of two dozen Diamond Dogs?”

“That many?” he asked. “Thought it was less. Not that it matters, they got what they deserved,” he said with a shrug.

Celestia was taken back by his brutal honesty and disregard. “You do not care that you took the lives of those with families?” she asked. While the topic would have repulsed anypony else, having lived for who knows how long had the benefit of insulating one from the horrors that could be found in the world.

“The way I see it, they lost any rights they had to be called ‘people’ the moment they decided to enslave children,” he replied. The hate and anger in his voice was astounding, so much so that Celestia was tempted there and then to search his soul for any trace of a demon akin to the one responsible for the creation of Nightmare Moon. “They should be thankful I ended them swiftly.”

“How can you be so comfortable with murdering?” Celestia asked. In her long life, she had seen countless vigilantes, and was curious about his reasoning.

“Murder?” he asked. “It’s not murder when you kill someone so drugged up they don’t know what’s real, that’s mercy. It’s not murder when they attack you first, that’s self-defence. It’s not murder when you know they’ve killed innocents, that’s justice. And it’s definitely not murder when they’re slavers. That is a service to the world,” he finished, locking eyes with the Princess.

The passion and drive behind his words, as well as the experience she could feel, was more than enough to convince her that he honestly felt that way. “I see,” she said neutrally.

In a carriage of the Friendship Express to Canterlot, six mares shared a compartment.

“What do you mean, you told the Princess he was a psychopath!?”

“That’s because he is! You saw the way he killed them Diamond Dogs!”

“He did that to save Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo!”

“And he saved me from a pair of manticores! How could you betray him like that!?”

“You said yerself you thought he was gonna kill you!”

“Girls! I am trying to concentrate!”

“And he threatened me with one of his strange metal weapons things!”

“After you bucked him in his stallionhood!”

“What the hay, AJ!?”

“Ah thought he was gonna hurt Twi!”

“Will you keep it down!?” a male voice yelled out from the next compartment.

“Sorry!” Twilight yelled back. “Great, now look what you’ve done!” she hissed.

“Me? Oh, Ah’m sorry, didn’t realise it was me that brought a mass-murderer to Ponyville!” the farmer said.

“He is not a mass-murderer!”

“Will you keep quiet!?” exclaimed a mare that was pinker than any living thing had any right to be. “I am trying to plan a party!”

“Are ya serious, Pinkie? Ya’ll plannin’ a party for that monster?”

“Shut up or I will have you thrown off this train!” came the male voice again.

Author’s Notes:

Am I rubbing the whole “matriarchal society” thing in a bit too hard?

And that is my actual justification for what my Courier does in-game. Self-defence, mercy, justice and services to humanity. For the most part.

10

What did we talk about? Well, for the most part, I just told her a few stories about the things I had done in the Mojave. I could tell she didn’t like anything about the Legion, so I told her about how I saved the Bitter Springs Refugee Camp and liberated Nelson. I didn’t go into complete detail, I didn’t think that’d be a good idea.

Anyway, I was about halfway through recounting... what was it again? Oh yeah, how I saved President Kimball, that was amazing. Tackled the Legion spy to the ground and caved his head in with a wrench. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Seriously, those things are brittle.

Celestia interrupted the Courier mid-sentence. “Forgive me, but I am needed elsewhere. Twilight Sparkle and her friends will be arriving soon.”

The Courier seemed disappointed that he was losing his audience, but shrugged. “Tell her I said hi,” he replied with a smile.

“Of course,” the alicorn answered, snorting lightly. “I’m sure she’s worried about you.”

The Courier let out a snort of his own. “Trust me, a kick to the head is nowhere near enough to keep me down.” He winced as he forced himself to stand. “I probably have a concussion or something, though,” he added.

“I am honestly surprised that you woke up as quickly as you did.”

“You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve fought,” he replied, meeting her eyes. “Believe me, your guards are nothing compared to them.”

“Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself?” Celestia asked, amused by his words. “After all, you’ve only encountered two of them.”

“True,” he shrugged. “But I’ve taken down multiple Legion hit squads, most of them with better weapons than I have. Your guards should be a piece of cake,” he finished with a smirk.

“The Royal Guard is notoriously proud, Courier, Celestia warned. “I think they’d be glad to take up your challenge.”

“Let them,” he answered.

Celestia smiled, his confidence and good nature endearing him to her. “I think you should get medical attention, though.”

“I... I fully support that line of thinking,” he said as he collapsed back to the ground. “Great, now there are two of you,” he muttered.

“Oh dear,” the alabaster alicorn whispered, only now displaying concern. “I’ll get you a doctor immediately.”

“That’d... that’d be nice,” he slurred, using a hand to keep himself from falling over.

As Celestia disappeared, she failed to notice the human slump against the wall of his cell. She did notice what seemed to be singing. “Heartaches by the number, troubles by the score...”

So I was singing. Kept me awake, that’s all that mattered. Didn‘t want to fall into a coma or something, right?

I got that doctor quick. Believe it or not, the one they sent to me had a picture of a lightning bolt over a red cross on his flank. Turns out, those pictures pretty much tell them what they’re gonna be good at. I kept wondering what mine would look like.

He didn’t have a horn, though he had wings, and he managed to hold all his stuff with his hooves. No I have no idea how that worked. They explained a lot of things to me as magic, so I guess that’ll do.

Turns out, secondary languages are a mandatory part of the Royal Guards’ training. Probably to deal with ambassadors and such. Anyway, turns out that De-Fib, yes that was his name, spoke near-perfect English. Got him to tell me a few things too.

“Twilight Sparkle, thank you for coming,” the alicorn said as she saw the Element Bearers in the throne room.

“Of course, Princess,” the unicorn mare replied, doing her best to stop herself from rushing in for a hug.

“I’m guessing you are worried about your new friend’s condition.”

This elicited a grumble from Applejack that Twilight made a point of ignoring. “He did get bucked in the head,” she commented.

“You’ll be glad to know that he is awake and is receiving medical attention.”

“I cannot wait to meet him!” Rarity gushed. “I simply must design him something as a thank-you for saving Sweetie Belle.”

“I still need to thank him for saving me in the Everfree.”

“And I need to throw him a ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party!”

Applejack scowled at her friends. “How can you be so trustin’ of this fella? He kills! Ah saw him do it!”

“We’ve been through this, Applejack!” Twilight responded angrily. “He acted in self-defence! And he saved your sister!”

“I have spoken to him, Applejack,” Celestia interrupted calmly, “and he is as well-adjusted as any of us.” Everypony present shot a glance at Pinkie Pie, who currently had a fifth hoof. Somehow. “Perhaps more,” she added hesitantly. There were still a small number things that confused the Princess of the Sun (though she would never admit it), and Pinkie Pie was among them. She returned her attention to the matter at hoof. “The world he is from is violent, incredibly so. Though his actions are far from pleasant, it is the only way he knows. His intentions are certainly noble, though.”

“Ah just can’t see what kinda noble intention can lead to killin’,” Applejack grumbled.

“From what he has told me, he has only ever acted in such a way against those who threaten the safety of those who can’t defend themselves or himself.”

“We told you he was a good alien!” Rainbow said very loudly to her friend. She had been especially disappointed by the way Applejack was acting. “Honestly, Applejack, I can’t understand what you have against him.”

They all turned around when they heard the door being opened. They turned to see the Courier standing there, his long coat swaying gently, sand slowly pouring out of it. On his head was a red beret, on his face was a cocky smile and in his eyes was a mischievous light. Behind him was a guard that looked far from happy. “You miss me?” he loudly asked the group. Rarity swooned and fainted. “Am I that sexy?” he asked as they all turned to look at the prone mare.

Author’s Notes:

Okay, I’ll be putting this on hold for a bit while I write some more of Parental Problems and Wargames. Kinda been neglecting them.

And the Mane Six have now all seen the Courier! Should be fun...

11

So, the scene when I walked in. Six of the ‘normal’ ponies were there, along with some of the guards. There was also the big one, Celestia.

I’d already seen four of the six. There was Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack and the rainbow one I’d saved earlier, one of her wings was bandaged to her side. The two others I hadn’t seen before.

The other unicorn, she was white with a deep purple mane and tail. She seemed to give off this air of superiority that just... I don’t know. Reminded me of those creeps over at the Ultra-Luxe, though.

The other... I couldn’t not think of a chem addict there and then. After all, no-one is that bubbly, upbeat and happy unless they’re on enough chems to kill a brahmin. I’ve seen that, y’know. Dragged a few people to the Followers that were like that. Still, she was nice enough. Also, pinker than any sane thing has any right to be.

So, they stared at me, I stared at the unconscious one on the ground, and De-Fib the guard was giving me a death glare for running around like I had been. The way I saw it, I killed three men hours after I woke up after I’d been pulled out of my fucking grave. I didn’t need to listen to him. I told him that later, along with a few of the others.

Rarity was quick to awaken. “Oh, what a horrible coat,” she muttered as she picked herself up. “How can he even stand to wear that?” She shuddered. “And that beret! It looks so tatty. Eugh, the thought of even touching it...”

As the unicorn picked herself up, Pinkie was calmly trotting closer to the Courier. He looked at her weirdly, but she didn’t notice. She was too focused on his hands. Eventually, she was right next to him. The Courier tilted his head and slowly reached out with a hand. Apparently, that was what she had been waiting for, because the moment it was close enough she gave it a sloppy lick just like a dog. The hand shot back and Pinkie Pie frowned. “Why did you do that?” Rainbow Dash asked, very confused.

“His skin looks like chocolate, but he doesn’t taste anything like it,” the pink pony said sadly. Her friends all rolled their eyes, thinking it was incredibly like Pinkie Pie to think a creature was made of chocolate. Her eyes crossed and she smiled strangely when the hand returned and began scratching her behind the ear. Her hind legs gave out as she moaned happily.

The Courier had unknowingly found one of the few spots that could be truly called ‘sensitive’ on all ponies. In truth, he was just treating her like he would a dog.

“Why is he doing that?” Twilight asked.

“And why is Pinkie enjoying it so much?” Rarity asked, looking a little disgusted. “That’s so... uncouth.”

Applejack, for her part, seemed just as unamused, but for a different reason. She recognized such behaviour from when she would play with Winona, her pet dog. She loved being scratched behind the ear, and seeing this being done to one of her friends rubbed her in all the wrong ways.

The Courier wore a confused smile, completely unsure as to how this was so... stimulating for the pony. He just found it incredibly amusing. If he bothered to look away, he would’ve seen that Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Princess Celestia were thinking the same thing.

“Wow,” Rainbow said, stifling a laugh, “he got Pinkie Pie to shut up.”

“I take it this isn’t common?” Celestia asked despite knowing the answer. Fluttershy nodded, giggling at the scene.

I have no idea why the pink maniac was enjoying the ear scratch so much. They wouldn’t tell me, but I’m guessing that it’s like a back massage for them. And they don’t have fingers to do it themselves, so...

Anyway, Pinkie Pie - Yes. Honest to God, that was her name. No I am not making this shit up. Can you guess which one she was? Okay, okay, no need to get angry. As I was saying, she just sat there, letting me scratch her. The rest were either amused or confused. Hell, I was both.

As the Courier continued scritching Pinkie Pie, Rarity went over what he was wearing with a professional eye. The first thing she noticed was the strange green plating on his chest. She wondered how anyone could bear to wear something so scratched and dented. The strange metallic plating on his legs, shoulders and right arm seemed to have suffered whatever fate the chest plating had, the paint scratched or burned off in places.

What was most curious, to her, was the coat. She had never seen anything like it before. It seemed so light, but was clearly incredibly durable. The material was completely foreign to her, something which amazed her. She had worked with almost every cloth under the sun and for her to not recognize one... She realised that the leggings, along with the gloves, were made of similarly unrecognizable material. “I wonder what he’s wearing...” she muttered.

“Really, Rarity?” Twilight asked. “There’s an alien standing right there and you want to know about what he’s wearing?” she asked, a little annoyed with her friend.

“I mean the material,” the fashionista whispered back. “Surely you’re curious as to what it is?”

“Oh, that,” Twilight replied, perfectly happy with this conversation topic. “I am. I didn’t think much of it, but when we stripped him for Fluttershy, I found the texture was quite... strange. Coarse, but also very smooth. It also seems to be waterproof and incredibly durable.”

“I’d already guessed about its durability, but waterproof? And you’re sure that they don’t have magic?”

“No, and that leads to another thing. I did a quick analysis of the metal plating, and I can’t find any matches to any known metals or alloys. Whatever it is, though, it’s incredibly light and strong.”

“If they don’t have magic, then it makes sense that whatever it is was manufactured using techniques only they’d know.”

“Why’d you stop?” Pinkie asked loudly, pouting at the Courier and giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

“Pinkie, he can’t understand us,” Rainbow said.

“Oh.” The pink pony paused for a moment and closed her eyes, as though in deep concentration. “Why’d you stop?” she asked in perfect Zebrican.

There was a brief, stunned pause amongst the ponies. “Pinkie, since when could you speak Zebrican?” Twilight asked, her conversation with Rarity forgotten when she heard the harsh sounds of Zecora’s native tongue.

“I can’t,” she replied happily in Equestrian. “But I can speak perfect green!”

There was another silence as they all tried, and failed, to understand what that meant, the Courier blissfully unaware of what was going on.

Author’s Notes:

Oh hey, there’s Pinkie taking a bulldozer to the fourth wall! Wait, Pinkie Pie driving a bulldozer... Shit.

I am operating under the assumption that the armoured parts of the Elite Riot Gear are made with saturnite.

And how will Rarity react to finding out that the gloves and duster are made from tanned animal hides, and the pants made from material originally used for ship sails?

12

I was told that the pink one did something that defied all common sense. I’ve been to the Big Empty, I’ve seen things that just don’t make sense. Who in their right mind creates a building-sized warbot, let alone uses it? Really? Huh, guess things don’t make much sense where you’re from, either. What, really? No, you’re shitting me.

After the confusion with Pinkie Pie was wisely swept under the rug, the ponies present quickly assaulted the human with a barrage of questions. All of which were initially unanswered due to the language barrier. Princess Celestia couldn’t help but chuckle at the ponies as she set up a small translation field. In truth, she herself was eager to hear what he had to say.

“Calm down, girls, calm down,” she said serenely as the Courier flinched from the sheer number of questions being shot at him. “Forgive them, they are simply eager.”

“How are they suddenly speaking English?” he asked, sounding very confused. “And what was that radiation spike?”

“Princess Celestia cast a translation spell on all of us,” Twilight explained. “I guess that would explain the small surge in thaumatic fallout.”

“Well, it’s stopped, so I guess it doesn’t matter...” he muttered.

“I’m sorry, but how is thaumatic fallout relevant?” Rarity asked.

“Because, enough of that might just kill me.” The Courier paused, as though for dramatic effect. “If I’m lucky.”

There was silence. “If you’re lucky?” Twilight asked. “What could be worse than dying?”

The Courier chuckled darkly. “Sorry, but I think you could do without the nightmares.” He looked around. “Is there somewhere else we could go? Standing around talking isn’t exactly appealing.”

“Of course,” Celestia said calmly, leading the way to the rarely-used council hall that was attached to the throne room. As they followed, the ponies couldn’t help but wonder just what could be worse than dying. Celestia, though, had seen many beings succumb to demons, becoming prisoners in their own bodies, only able to watch helplessly as atrocities were committed. She shuddered internally at the memories. “Please, take a seat,” she said as they entered the room, the guard remaining outside.

The Courier took the closest one, looking a little strangely at the high back it had. “Thanks.”

That confused me. They didn’t need the backs to the chairs, but they there were. Turns out, they weren’t the only sentient animals. I know. I figured it best not to think about it too much. It kinda hurt my head. My brain agreed with me about how strange that place is.

“I suppose proper introductions are in order. I am Princess Celestia, one of the rulers of Equestria,” the princess said, despite having told him in the dungeon. “You have already met Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Applejack,” she gestured to the three ponies. “The others are Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Pinkie Pie.” They each waved a wing, inclined her head and bounced happily, respectively.

There was a brief pause as he took a breath. In truth, this was because the names were the strangest things he had ever heard. “Well, I suppose you’ve all heard that I call myself the Courier by now. My actual name is Thomas. I am from the Mojave Wasteland, more specifically the city of New Vegas.”

“New Vegas?” Rainbow Dash asked loudly. “What happened to the old Vegas?”

“Two hundred years of abandonment after a nuclear war,” he stated simply.

“You live in two century old ruins?” Celestia asked while Rainbow titled her head in confusion.

“We don’t have much choice,” he shrugged. “It’s either that or shacks made from whatever scrap you can get your hands on.”

“Why would anyone want to live in ruined buildings or shacks?” Rarity asked, clearly disgusted by the idea.

“Beats sleeping outside,” was all the Courier had to say on the matter. “And even then ruins can be deathtraps.”

“Well, they are ruins,” Twilight said. “That’s kind of what they are.”

“I mean that just because they seemed abandoned doesn’t mean raiders or giant ants haven’t taken up residence inside,” he countered. “The last thing you want is to wake up to some drugged-up whackjob slicing you open with a rusty knife.” There was a stunned, disgusted, shocked silence. “And no, that hasn’t happened to me. I’ve just heard stories.” That didn’t do much to make things better. If possible, it made things worse.

“Stories about...?” Rarity looked ready to lose her latest meal, Pinkie Pie’s mane had deflated, Fluttershy’s eyes were threatening to roll up into her head, Rainbow Dash was doing her best to hide all emotion, Applejack doing the exact opposite and letting her disgust and horror show for all the world to see and Twilight Sparkle had her eyes closed, trying to get her brain to stop conjuring up those mental images. “What kind of place are you from?”

The Courier took a deep breath. “I won’t try and sugarcoat this for you. The Mojave, it’s terrible. There are whole towns struggling to survive. Gangs that rape and torture for fun are common. So are wild animals that want to tear you apart for a snack. If you can’t defend yourself, you either pay someone who can or get killed.” He looked at the group, the only member that seemed completely unphased by what he was saying being the alicorn. “Walking along an old train track can see you getting mauled to death by things that belong only in nightmares. Or shot. Or held hostage. Depends on your luck,” he said with a shrug.

“How can you speak so lightly of this?” the Princess asked quietly.

“When it’s all you know, how can else can you talk about it?” he asked back. “The only way to survive out there is to be prepared, and able, to kill everyone and everything that wants to kill you. Something I am very good at.”

No I don’t regret saying what I did. They had to learn, the world is not sunshine and rainbows all day long. The fact that there were slavers operating two hours from a town is evidence enough.

They did not thank me at all. Hell, I probably traumatised all of them. Except the one with horn and wings. She seemed... sad, I guess. Not sure why.

The human’s tales of what he had to do to survive were disheartening. Death, murder and torture being so commonplace in a world was unheard of, even to her. She was saddened by what the residents of this ‘Mojave Wasteland’ had to go through.

“But...” Twilight said, her voice barely above a whisper, “what about the magic of friendship?”

“Friendship?” he asked. “Friendship... You ask difficult questions, you know that?” He went quiet for a few moments. “Making friends is harder than you’d like. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem worth the effort. But when you do...” A warm smile crossed his features. “You know you can put your life in their hands, and that they will put their own on the line to protect you.”

This went some way to making the ponies feel better. They all knew that they would do anything for their friends, and hearing that such things still existed, even if was to a small extent, in this ‘Wasteland’ he was from made them feel better.

“Where are all my things, anyway? I’ve still got a headache and I had some painkillers with me,” he said, looking around, abruptly changing the subject.

Princess Celestia blinked, temporarily stunned by this. “I can send somepony to retrieve them. However, I ask that your weapons be kept non-operational.”

“Now that I won’t agree to,” he said. He raised a hand as the alicorn tried to speak. “I know you’re saying that to keep the peace, but I am far from comfortable walking around in a place I am unfamiliar with completely unarmed without knowing what I’m getting into.” He looked around. “At least you didn’t hand them over to someone who has no idea what they’re messing with.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as the seven mortals in the room looked to the lone immortal, whose mouth was slightly open, wearing a sheepish expression.

“You’re shitting me,” the Courier said, staring at Celestia in disbelief. He stood up with an angry sigh. “Let’s go find them before someone gets killed.”

Author’s Notes:

And so the entire Mane Six has been effectively traumatised.

And someone should really teach Princess Celestia about gun safety, huh?

Fuck the language barrier! We have magic!

13

Princess Luna held the strange metal device in her telekinetic grip, rotating it slowly so she could better understand how it operated. It appeared to be an incredibly simple device, utilising a trigger akin to those found on crossbows, a tube with a small bit of metal poking out of the centre on the tip, and a rotating cylinder that contained six, smaller cylinders. The grip of it was incredibly ornate, a golden bear a part of it, and there were words engraved on the sides of the tube, though what they said was a mystery to her. The revolving cylinder itself was a small work of art, an intricate design carved into the metal.

What was most intriguing about the device was not what it was, but how it had been put together. It was clear that the parts were not crafted by one individual, or even several. The flawless way the whole thing was put together and how uniform the parts were was enough to indicate to her that this was mass-produced, though how she didn’t know. Further evidence of this was found in the six smaller cylinders. True, they were not without their flaws, but it was clear that those flaws were the result of having being formed with some sort of machine, as opposed to by hoof, claw or talon.

The cylinder slid back into the device proper with a satisfying ‘click’. Luna looked over the other things that had been taken from the strange alien. While Celestia had taken over the actual meeting with the being, she had been given his equipment, including his weapons. She trusted none of the other ponies, even the guards, with this. There was just no telling what could happen.

She closed one eye and gazed down the small tube, trying to make sense of its purpose. She was so focused on this task that she failed to notice the door behind her opening, or the loud expletive that immediately followed. What she did notice was the thing being pulled out of her telekinesis and slammed into the table with a terrifyingly loud BANG! “NEVER,” some strange bipedal thing yelled at her, “look down the barrel of a loaded gun!”

Can you believe that? Who the fuck looks down the barrel of a loaded gun? That’s Gun Safety 101 right there! Huh? What, was it something I said?

Well, may as well explain a bit about this place I was in, first. Uhh, very white and clean. And by clean I mean sterilized. Seriously, you could use the walls for mirrors in some places, they were that spotless.

There were also a ton of guards of well. All wearing that shiny, clean armour and standing around like statues. It was kinda creepy. At least with the Republic’s Heavy Troopers and Brotherhood Paladins, you can understand what with them wearing helmets. These guys, you could see their faces, and every single one had this blank stare. It’s like they were robots or something.

I didn’t see much of what was outside, but what I did see that it was as clear and cloudless as it had been when I went and saved those girls.

As for the pony that was having a staring match with my Sequioa, she was a lot like the white one, Celestia. Horn and wings. Turns out, they were sisters. Anyway, her coat or fur or whatever was a deep purple, kinda like what you get on a moonless night. There was a patch that was even darker on her flank and there was a crescent moon within that. Makes sense that her name is Luna, I s’pose.

Her mane and tail... that was like something out of Saturday morning kid’s show from before the war. Black as a cloudless night, and just as starry. Yeah, I said that. Honestly, her mane was filled with specks of light that really could be described as stars. It was really beautiful.

And she was eyeballing the barrel of my Sequioa. More specifically, the end the bullets came out of.

Luna just stared in shocked silence as the biped grabbed the things that had been identified as weapons and started pulling bits off, as though he was dismantling them. “What is the meaning of this?” she asked angrily. She received no answer. Thinking that she was being ignored, she switched to the Royal Canterlot Voice and Old Equestrian. “WHAT DOST THOU THINK THOU ARE DOING!?”

The Courier was pushed onto the table by the sheer force of the voice. He let out a short yelp when this happened. “What the FUCK was that!?” he exclaimed loudly as he pushed himself off the table.

Unfortunately for everyone in the room, Luna was too upset to stop using the Royal Canterlot Voice, though she had returned to conventional speech. “WE DEMAND THAT YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU WERE DOING.”

The Courier turned to the gathered ponies he had entered the room with, all seven of which Luna was still completely unaware of. “What did she say and why is she yelling?”

The Princess of the Night turned around, and was greeted by the sight of the Element Bearers covering their ears and her sister wearing a smirk. “Oh,” Luna said quietly, suddenly looking very sheepish. “I didn’t see you there.”

“Do not worry about it, sister,” Celestia said, still smiling. “You were simply too engrossed in what you were doing.”

“Thank goodness he pulled that thing away from ya,” Applejack muttered. “Ah don’t wanna know what that woulda done to ya, yer Highness.”

“Please, all of you, dispense with the pleasantries, you are my friends,” Luna said with a warm smile. “And what would that strange device have done? I was told it was a weapon, but how it functions as one I cannot tell.”

“I’m not sure how, either,” Twilight Sparkle said, taking a step forwards, “but he... killed six Diamond Dogs with that one.” She shuddered at the memory, as did Applejack.

“I was not made aware of this,” Luna said, turning to her sister.

“The Diamond Dogs he fought had recently taken three young fillies as slaves. He only did what he did to rescue them,” Celestia calmly explained.

“I see.” Luna faced the Courier, who had watched this entire exchange in mild confusion, completely unaware of what was being said. He had the Sequoia in his lap. “Please, explain how that device operates,” she commanded, pointing at him with a hoof. There was a short silence. “He can’t understand me, can he?” she asked, thoroughly unamused.

“Can one of you translate for us?” the Courier asked,

Turns out, this Luna is capable of amplifying her voice so much that it can actually be weaponized. Kinda like a sonic emitter that can’t fry electronics. Well, okay, not really.

So, I ended up getting roped into giving them all a weapons demonstration. I know, downright crazy. I was not happy with the idea, mainly because I didn’t have much in the way of spare primers, powder or lead. But, how can you say ‘no’ to a group that can pump enough radiation in you to irradiate the whole of Nevada? So, long story short, we figured out the language barrier problem again, they lead me to somewhere I could shoot without hitting someone, and they watched.

Shame they didn’t properly compensate for the penetration...

The eight ponies watched from a safe distance as the Courier looked down the sights of his Sequoia. They had taken him to a small part of the Guards’ barracks, and had set up a target in the form of a spare set of Guard Armour. Behind the target was a wall, a recent addition to the building and, therefore, made from plaster instead of stone.

Suddenly, a noise akin to thunder was heard, along with a short scream. At first, the Princesses thought that one of the castle’s weather ponies had lost control of their cloud, but they were proven wrong when Twilight Sparkle began muttering. “It tore right through...”

The seven others took a closer look at the armour and saw that it had not only put a hole in the plating on one side, there was a second hole through the other side and a third in the wall. “That is really weak metal,” the Courier commented. “You let your guards wear that?” he asked.

“What was that scream?” Rarity asked, trying to pat down her mane where some had sprung up in shock. As though to answer her question, pained moaning could be heard from the other side of the wall.

All nine occupants of the room looked at each other. “Well, fuck,” was all the Courier had to say on the matter.

Author’s Notes:

This is what happens when I get obscenely bored while at home sick. You get another 1400 words for your reading pleasure.

14

I shot a pony! I wouldn’t have cared if he’d been a rapist or something, then he would have had it coming. But no, she was a new recruit, and had only just gotten her armour. And I’d gone and put a huge dent in it with a rifle round.

It’s a good thing a lot of the momentum was killed by the wall and the target they’d set up, though. From what I was told, it would’ve hit her lung. Instead she just had a bruised rib and they needed to hammer out her armour. I still felt really bad, though.

Still, I guess it was nothing compared to how horrified the other ponies were. The Sequoia wasn’t even the most powerful thing I had with me, let alone actually have. You ever seen an Anti-Materiel Rifle?

The Courier stood before the two sisters, who were sitting in their thrones in the grand throne room where Rarity had fainted less than an hour ago.

“In light of what happened,” Celestia said calmly, “I think it would be best to decline your request to remain armed while within the castle.”

Luna nodded. “They will be kept in our rooms, under tight security. You will not be able to access them, as will nopony else.”

It was clear to them that the Courier was far from happy with the turn of events. What he said, though, came as a surprise. “Fine,” he said, the bitterness in his voice clear. “I can’t see any point in trying to argue.” There was a short silence. “At least let me keep my Displacer Glove and knuckle dusters,” he pleaded.

“Your... glove, unfortunately, is too dangerous for us to consider that.” The Courier didn’t know it, but Twilight had told them of the damage it had done to that Diamond Dog. “What are knuckle dusters?” Luna asked.

The human reached into a pocket sewn into his duster and pulled out a strange golden metal things. He slid them over the fingers of each hand and held up his fists for the ponies to see, revealing to them the spikes and words they couldn’t read that adorned the plates covering his knuckles. Comprehension dawned on Luna.

“I see. Like the horseshoes our guard wears into combat.”

Celestia raised a wing slightly, signalling to her sister to remain quiet. “As long as you do not use them, you can keep them with you.”

The man let out a sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair. “You’re more paranoid than the casinos on the Strip,” he muttered as he put his beret back on and removed Love and Hate from his hands. He replaced them into the inner pocket and straightened his duster. “Are we done?”

The sisters nodded. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to let him remain armed?” Luna asked quietly.

“They do little more than enhance his capabilities, Luna. Taking them away would not have done much,” the alabaster alicorn replied calmly. “He willingly tackled a manticore. No being does that without believing in their own abilities, regardless of how well-armed they are.”

“The Guard would not fight one unless they greatly outnumbered the beast,” Luna mused. She turned to see the Courier had already left the room.

I had my weapons confiscated. I can understand why, but come on! Do I look like I’d wave a gun around like an idiot? Actually, don’t answer that.

Anyway, when I got out the room, I was greeted by Twilight. I was thankful for that, she’s the only one who wasn’t completely terrified of me after I accidentally shot someone. There was, apart from the creepy guards, another unicorn wearing purple armour. Those ponies were a lot like the Legion, at least in some ways. The shinier the armour, the higher up they were in the chain of command. And those who were higher up actually had a damn good reason for being there, not like what can happen in the NCR. Goddamn nepotism, it’s a wonder they held the Dam for four whole years.

“So you’re the one responsible for injuring my newest recruit,” Shining Armor said coldly. He had been the first to hear about what had happened, mainly because the bullet had come close to hitting him instead. “Consider yourself lucky that her injuries were minor.”

“Uh, Shiny?” Twilight said timidly. “He can’t understand you.”

The armoured stallion’s face fell. “You mean I used my “Angry Guard Face” for nothing?” he asked.

“Again, I’m sorry!” the Courier exclaimed. “I didn’t know it would over-penetrate that far, really. In all honesty, it shouldn’t have.”

“Courier, this is my brother Shining Armor. He’s a captain in the Royal Guard.”

“A pleasure,” Shining said stiffly, saluting.

“Likewise,” the human said politely, saluting in return. “I suppose I should tell you that my more powerful weapons have been confiscated,” he said unhappily.

“Good,” the stallion said. “I don’t want anypony else getting injured.”

There was a short silence as the two ponies and the human tried to find something to say. “Oh shit!” The Courier turned around and pushed the doors to the throne room open. “The Transportalponder!”

Twilight and Shining looked at each other.

I honestly can’t believe that it took me that long to remember that I had to get back to the Mojave. Wait, no, I wanted to. Still so much to do around here, and the NCR is too focused on pushing back what’s left of the Legion. The Jackals have taken over Red Rock Canyon, did you know that?

Why’d I run back into the throne room? Because they’d thrown the Transportalponder in with the rest of my guns, and I had to get it back. Even if it was broken.

“Wait!” the Courier yelled out, seeing Luna’s tail poke out of a doorway off to the side of the room.

“Hm?” The Princess of the Night turned around, puzzled at the calm man’s suddenly panicky behaviour. “Is something the matter?”

“There was something that got mixed with my guns, something important. Where are they?” he asked, looking around frantically.

“In my room,” the princess answered carefully. “Is it truly that important?” she asked.

“It’s probably my only way home,” he said, forcing himself to stay calm. “Now please, take me to my weapons.”

It wasn’t long before they were both in Princess Luna’s room. She had offered to teleport them there, but the Courier had to explain that it would likely kill him instantly. There wasn’t much light, the nocturnal alicorn having little need for such when blessed with incredible low-light vision.

The Courier set the backlight of his Pip-Boy to maximum brightness and used it to illuminate his path. He quickly found the chest she had said his things would be in. As he knelt down, the lock was enveloped in a strange glow and it sprung open with a snap. As the human looked inside, he began muttering to himself. “No no no...”

“What?” Luna asked.

“It’s not there, he said as he turned around. “Are you sure this is everything?” he asked desperately.

“It was everything we could find,” the indigo alicorn said cautiously.

“It’s gone,” he said, unable to believe what he was saying. “It’s fucking gone.”

Author’s Notes:

Oh hey, I didn’t shoot Shining Armor or Blueblood. U mad?

And oh boy. Is this actual plot all of a sudden?

15

Author’s Note:

I will be removing the green text from segments where the only language being spoken around the Courier in the one he can understand. Too much effort otherwise.

So I freaked out a bit. You have any idea what it was like, finding out you might not ever be able to get back? What, really? Wow. That... I don’t know what to say. Shit, makes you think, doesn’t it?

Luna was a little shocked at what she was seeing. Every indication was that this being, the Courier, was a cold, calculating, occasionally blood-thirsty warrior. And there he was, sifting through the chest futilely in a complete panic as though doing so would make his “Transportalponder” appear. “It has to be here, it has to be here, it has to be here...,” he repeated over and over.

“Is it truly such a bad thing?” Luna asked, approaching him slowly. “From what you have said of your home - ”

“The Mojave needs me. And I need it.” He turned to her, surprising the princess when she saw tears running down his face. “I don’t belong here. Your world, it’s peaceful, everyone gets along. The violent ones are the minority.” He wiped the tears away before continuing. “Violence is pretty much all I know. It says something when the best person a place has to offer has the blood of hundreds on his hands, doesn’t it?”

If Luna was shocked by this, she didn’t show it. “You find yourself bound by duty to your home,” she said, bowing her head slightly. “It’s not that you want to return, but you feel you have to.”

“Something like that. No telling what the NCR would do without someone speaking for the people. The King can only do so much.” He stood up and turned his Pip-Boy’s screen back down. “Can’t believe I freaked out like that...” he muttered.

“Your city is run by a king? But I thought you said it was part of this Republic?” the alicorn asked, curious as to how something like this could happen.

“He leads a group that call themselves the Kings. They’re sort of the local law enforcement, make any problems... disappear.”

Luna followed the human as he left her room. “One king that controls many kings? What a strange thing,” she mused. “I expected you to be much worse than this, given your situation.”

“This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself trapped somewhere. I was lucky to get out alive. I don’t really have to worry about that here,” he said conversationally.

“Oh?” It was clear that Luna was very curious about this. “Could you tell me?” she asked. “Court is very quiet at night, and I find myself bored quite often.”

The Courier looked at the alicorn for a moment. “In the Mojave, everyone knows the story of the Sierra Madre Casino. The legend, the curses. Foolishness about it lying in the middle of the City of the Dead, buried beneath a blood-red cloud. A bright, shining monument luring treasure hunters to their doom...”

Yeah, I told her about my ‘adventure’ in the Sierra Madre. First time I gave someone pretty much the whole story, too. I usually just tell people that I locked Elijah in the vault under the casino and leave it at that. What I really did, though... Yeah, I don’t like talking about it. That fuck nearly got me killed a dozen times, easily, it only felt fair. I think Veronica would give me a good beating, too.

Anyway, she found the whole story very... entertaining. Turns out, she likes dark, messed-up things. She was Princess of the Night, so I guess that made sense, but that doesn’t mean that you can think the Red Cloud is a good idea for a weapon! It is, but I’d rather be crucified than go through that again.

“Solid light still sounds too far-fetched for me,” Luna said, eyeing the human skeptically. “The power requirements for one would be extraordinary, let alone enough to staff a small resort.”

“It is,” he replied, sitting on the ground next to her throne. “I think that’s what caused the Red Cloud, personally. Dean thought otherwise. And how is that crazier than a pack of two-century old zombie-things that can’t be killed?” the Courier asked back.

“I have faced many foul things in the past, Thomas,” the alicorn replied with a smile as she used his actual name. “Resurrected corpses are not the worst by far.”

“They weren’t dead, though,” he said back. “And they definitely weren’t alive, either,” he continued with a shudder. “I don’t know what they were. Can we talk about something else?”

“How about what you did to this... Elijah, did you say his name was?” Luna asked.

“What I did...” He then proceeded to describe, in rather intricate detail, the gruesome things he did to the old man. They were so bad that the one Night Guard who could understand Zebrican seemed to pale under his armour and was wishing he had taken a different language. “Then I sealed him in the vault under the casino,” the Courier concluded.

Luna was wide-eyed. Never in all her years had she heard of such horrible things, and she had fought Discord! “That... surely he did not deserve all that!”

“He sent hundreds to their death in an attempt to get technology that would wipe the entire Mojave out. Before that, the organisation he was in command of lost more than half their number defending something they couldn’t even use. He only wanted one thing, and he was prepared to murder every living thing in his way to get that.” The Courier stared blankly at the doors to the throne room. “He wanted the treasures of the Sierra Madre. I gave that fuck all the time in the world,” he finished darkly, a twisted smile distorting his features.

“Your highness,” an armoured pegasus said as he approached the throne. He was wearing the purple, curved armour of the Night Guard, the eye set in the middle of the chest-piece polished to a gleaming finish. He ruffled his bat-like wings as his golden eyes flickered over the strange flat-faced biped sitting casually next to his princess. “We have finished investigating the chest your guest’s belonging were originally placed in.”

“What did you find, Private?” she asked, sitting up straight.

“There were three magical signatures on the lock, Princess. One was yours, the other belonged to your sister.”

“Who did the third belong to?” Luna asked, already suspecting the worst.

“We don’t know, your highness.” The poor stallion gulped before continuing. “We suspect this unknown individual is the one who stole your guest’s device.”

Luna’s expression turned stormy, and the Courier leaned away as his Pip-Boy began to tick. “Uh, Princess?” he asked carefully.

“Someone had the gall to ENTER MY ROOM!? AND TOUCH MY BELONGINGS!?” she bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. The poor private in front of her was sent flying through the still-open doors of the throne room. “THEY MAKE A FOOL OF ME AND EXPECT TO GET AWAY WITH IT!?” she asked as she vacated her throne and stomped forward. She looked around to the assembled guard, who seemed completely unphased by their princess’ fury. “BRING ME THE DEFILER OF MY PRIVATE SANCTUM! THEY WILL REGRET EVER THINKING OF DOING WHAT THEY DID! she ordered to the assembled stallions and mares.

“What’s going on?” the Courier asked, hands covering his ears to try and compensate for the volume.

“My room was broken into, and your device stolen," she replied angrily, her voice now at a more normal volume. All around them, the ponies of the Night Guard were scrambling into action.

“Stolen?” he asked back, equally furious. As he stood, his face twisted into a fierce scowl akin to the one he would wear when the Legion tried to kill him. “They are fucking dead."

Author’s Notes:

Again, I am upset at the lack of options to make the text incredibly large. It would fit Luna’s outburst perfectly.

And that poor private. Bet he picked the shortest straw, huh?

16

Still can’t believe some idiot had the balls to steal something from the room of a deity. Not like they had much choice, but still damn near suicidal. It’d be like trying to steal the Power Armor off a Paladin’s back.

Luna was angry. Nothing compared to what her sister did when she found out.

When morning came, Luna informed Celestia of the situation. If anything, she seemed to take the news even worse. The Courier was glad that he was on the other side of the dining room when the alabaster alicorn’s entire body very briefly ignited in fury, turning her chair into so much expensive ash. The gold-armoured guards were the polar opposite of Luna’s, terrified by this display. From what he could gather, Celestia was the perfect picture of calm and serenity, while Luna had more of a hair-trigger temper. For her to lose her temper was a once-in-a-generation phenomenom. “They have made a mockery of our security, and try to undermine our hospitality to someone displaced from their home,” Celestia said when she regained control of her emotions. “We cannot let this stand.”

“We won’t, sister,” Luna replied. “Leave this to me. His belongings were in my room, I feel responsible for this.” The younger sister smirked. “Besides, my talents are far more appropriate than yours for this.”

“If you wish, Luna,” Celestia said, a little wary of her sister’s smile. “Just be careful.”

“It’ll be fine.”

“The last time you said that it ended with a thousand-year banishment,” the elder said sadly. “Please, don’t do anything too foalish.”

“Of course,” Luna said, nuzzling her sister.

“So, what now?” the Courier asked when she came closer.

“You are so informal,” she commented. “Why?”

The question caught him off-guard. “I... honestly don’t know. Just feels natural. Do you want me to stop?” he asked, worried that he had been insulting her this whole time.

“No, don’t.” The alicorn smiled. “I find it refreshing.”

The Courier smiled back, straightening his beret. “All right then. I’ll ask again, what now?”

“Unfortunately we can’t do anything until we have more information. With no knowledge on the identity of the perpetrator, we’re blind.” Luna frowned. “All we can do is wait.” It was clear to the Courier she was not happy with this course of action. Neither was he.

“Well that’s great,” he muttered. “Might be a good idea to let me keep my weapons with me. Don’t want any more to get stolen.”

Luna seemed uneasy with this proposition. “I can understand your concern, but you must understand. Allowing you to roam the castle while fully armed is bound to make many uneasy.” A pony with a feather duster in her mouth squeaked and scurried away as the pair approached.

“That’s partly why I want them. Looking dangerous is even more important than being dangerous. I once met someone whose entire business strategy revolved around that.” He eyed the princess. “You know that I’ll be as dangerous as ever with or without them. Having them with me will only broadcast it. Surely there’s no harm in that?” he asked, a good-natured smile on his face.

Luna found his logic hard to argue with. “Fine. On the condition that they are kept non-functional at all times, I shall let you carry them with you.”

“Good enough for me,” the Courier said with a shrug. “Where are we going?”

“The barracks. I’ve been told that you fought a manticore with nothing but that strange gauntlet,” the alicorn said as they emerged outside.

“And you want to know just what I can do in a fight, he said with a nod. “I could use the exercise,” he said with a very confident smirk as he cracked his knuckles.

Luna smiled. She was glad that this was keeping his mind off the disappearance of one of his belongings. She didn’t know what might happen, but she was confident that neither him nor her guards would be too seriously injured.

So Luna wanted me to fight a few of her guards. I knew she was trying to get my mind off the fact that I was stuck, and I really appreciated it. And I wanted to know what those ponies were capable of, combat-wise, when I wasn’t drunk and off-guard. I’m still a bit embarrassed by that, honestly.

Three purple-armoured, bat-winged pegasi looked at the being that had followed their princess. “He doesn’t seem so tough.”

“Apparently he killed a manticore. Can’t see how he pulled that off, he looks so scrawny,” another said.

“I dunno,” the only female said. “The princess obviously thinks he’s dangerous. I wouldn’t disregard that.”

“True,” the first said. “Wonder what that armour’s made of.”

Their conversation was cut off when Princess Luna stood in front of them. “Captain Thunder Strike, Captain Storm Surge, Captain Cloud Nine. This is the Courier. He wishes to spar with one of you.”

The mare pushed one of the stallions forward with a wing. “You’re up, Storm,” she said with a smirk.

“What, just one of them?” the Courier asked. Only Luna was able to understand him, so the three pegasi were a little shocked when their princess gave him a great wide-eyed stare.

“You cannot be serious!” she exclaimed. “They would kill you!”

“They said the same when I said I was gonna clear the Deathclaws out of Quarry Junction,” he said with a smile. “I think you can guess what happened.”

“Your highness?” Thunder Strike asked, regretting not having taken Zebrican. “Is something the matter?”

“He - ” The alicorn cleared her throat. “He says that he will fight you all. At once.”

The pegasi stared for a moment at the human, who had pulled Love & Hate from his pocket. “This should be interesting,” Cloud Nine commented.

Yeah, in retrospect taking on all three at once was a bad idea. Let me tell you, those ponies hit hard. Yeah, their armour’s more for show, but punching it still hurts. You ever punch a wall? A Vault wall? Ouch.

In the ten minutes both sides had been given to prepare a strategy, a large group of off-duty guardsponies had gathered and set up an impromptu arena, enclosed by a short circular fence. There were also three rows of seating around the arena, a small stall and even a pony pulling around a small cart laden with snack foods. The Courier couldn’t help but laugh when he realised what was going on.

The guards watching were a near-even mix, the bright colours of the Day Guard contrasting sharply with the much darker Night Guard. There was excited murmuring and bits were changing hooves as ponies wagered on the outcome.

Thomas was thankful that Luna had cast the translation field over the arena, along with spells limiting the flight capabilities of his opponents. From what he could hear, he was the definite underdog in this fight, as the three he was fighting were the most experienced in combat and he was outnumbered three to one. He was simply a wild card. He couldn’t help but smile at that. “Never underestimate the Courier,” he muttered as he scrubbed out what he had been writing in the dirt with a boot.

“We clear?” Cloud Nine asked the pair of stallions, who nodded. “All right then. Let’s do this.”

The three pegasi faced the Courier in the middle of the arena, Princess Luna standing between them. “The rules for this are simple. If you are knocked out or ask for mercy, you are considered a non-combatant and will be forced to sit out the remainder of the bout. You are not to use lethal force, and the last team standing will be considered the victor. Any questions?”

“Just one,” the Courier said, still facing the pegasi. “You sure you don’t want to surrender?” he taunted.

“We should ask you the same question,” Thunder Strike said over the crowd’s jeering.

“FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!” the crowd chanted.

“BEGIN!” Luna exclaimed as she backed away.

The Courier was the first to strike, throwing a punch that connected solidly with Storm Surge’s helmet. The sharp ringing could be heard over the crowd. As the pegasus picked himself up, his comrades swooped in from the sides and attempted to catch the human in a pincer movement.

The Courier was not prepared for the speed of their movement and tried to get away. All he got for his trouble was a pair of hooves to the spine. He went down, and stayed down, with a loud yelp.

The pegasi approached carefully as the crowd murmurred. “Did you kill him?” Thunder asked, glancing at his female colleague.

“I don’t think so. Spine damage, maybe.” She nudged him with a hoof.

What happened next was almost too fast for the crowd to see. One of the Courier’s hands shot out and grabbed Cloud Nine’s throat just before his free hand, balled into a fist, slammed into her face with bone-shattering speed, the damage compounded by Love. Before Thunder Strike could react, the human had flipped himself onto his feet and placed a solid kick in the stallion’s ribs. He could feel the bones snap. At this point Storm Surge had recovered sufficiently. Only to have his head grabbed and his chin forced down onto the Courier’s armoured knee, shattering his jaw.

The amassed crowd gaped at this sudden, terrific display of brutality. He had moved faster than any living thing had any right to, and incapacitated three members of the Night Guard. “That was easy,” the Courier commented uneasily. “Too easy.”

“That’s because it was.” He turned to see Cloud Nine staring defiantly at him, her broken face mending itself as he watched. The eye in the chestpiece of her armour glowed as it supplied her with the healing charm.

“Is that the best you’ve got?” Storm Surge taunted, stretching his newly-healed jaw.

Thunder Strike didn’t say anything, instead opting to paw at the ground aggressively.

The Courier’s expression was somewhere between joy and terror. “Now that is not fair.”

Author’s Notes:

That armour does more than look awesome!

And I cannot get the Mortal Kombat “X-Ray Moves” out of my head as I wrote that last part. I kept having this mental image of a pegasus’ skull fracturing...

And it was awesome.

17

I’d just smacked one in the face hard enough to turn her skull into powder. And she got right back up! It was a bit like fighting ferals ghouls in a heavily irradiated area. Actually, no, ferals just rush you. These ponies, they had strategy, they had skill. More like the Marked Men, really.

I make it a point not to fight anything that can heal with radiation with my fists. After all, punching something to death takes a while unless you break the right bones. Only I didn’t have a choice against those guards.

The pegasi had initially used a strategy akin to the ones used when engaging Diamond Dogs or Minotaurs. By keeping their distance and striking as one, they were more likely to inflict enough damage to beat their opponent into submission. Using their size against them was also part of that. Unfortunately, the Courier was proving a much harder-to-hit target than anything his size should have been.

The Courier had chosen to meld two separate strategies together. While airborne, he would treat them like he would a Cazador. While on the ground, he would treat them like a coyote or Nightstalker. This had proven effective to a point. That point being that mutated animals and insects didn’t have much in the way of strategy, where his current opponents did.

As a result of the unexpected or unwanted parts of their opponents’ fighting styles, both sides ended up completely disregarded all strategy and fought on instinct. Here, the human had a clear advantage. Being of a species that had war and battle in its blood, he knew how to move to avoid getting hit and where to strike to do maximum damage. The ponies, being descended from a prey species, were fighting everything that told them to flee and seek safety in numbers. Because of this they were constantly distracted and ended up taking blows that, if not for their enchanted amulets, would have seriously injured them.

The armoured ponies gasped for breath, sweat cascading off their bodies. The fight had gone on much longer than anyone had anticipated, nearly half an hour. Every broken bone, every laceration, even Thunder Strike’s shattered vertebrae, their magical amulets had healed those injuries in moments. Their armour bore the signs of a near-relentless beating, many of the plates bent out of shape, a few missing.

Now, they were running on fumes. They barely had enough energy left to take wing, and any injuries they took now would be permanent, the magic in the amulets expended.

Much to their frustration and the crowd’s amazement, none of their attacks seemed to have done much to slow the Courier. What they didn’t know was that he was nursing a fractured rib, a concussion and enough bruising to make it seem as though he had just gone one-on-one with a Deathclaw. Only experience and a freakishly high pain tolerance kept him from keeling over and giving up. “You all fight like you’re pregnant,” he taunted.

“That’s it,” Storm Surge said through gritted teeth. “You’re going down!” The stallion was sick of the constant taunting, the insults and the snide comments. All he wanted now was to smack the smug smile off his face and grind his skull into the ground.

As he leapt and soared at him, wings stretched as far as they could to provide extra speed, the Courier activated the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System. The whole world stopped as the processors built into the wrist-mounted computer calculated his chances, how much damage he would do, and lined everything up. Ten seconds in VATS translated to one one-thousandths of real time.

The human unleashed a punishing barrage of blows that left the guard, even under his armour, a battered, bloody mess. It had all happened so fast that even Luna, with her incredible eye-sight, had trouble making out what had happened. At first, they all thought that Storm Surge had been killed.

After a few seconds of tense silence, an audible moan was heard and the crowd erupted into cheers when he managed, shakily, to get onto his hooves. There he was, with a broken wing, more than half his armour bent into some strange piece of contemporary art and blood pouring from one of his eyes, and still he fought. This was incredibly short-lived as the Courier, without even moving from where he was, brought the tip of his steel-toed boot into his jaw.

“One down,” he said as the stallion collapsed and didn’t get back up. A pair of unicorns stood at the side of the arena, readying their magic to take the incapacitated guard away at the first opportunity they could. “Two to go,” he growled as his eyes focused on the guards, wide-eyed at how their colleague had been treated.

“He’s gonna kill us,” Thunder Strike muttered. “He killed Storm, and we’re next.”

“Pull yourself together,” Cloud Nine hissed as the Courier calmly stepped towards them. “We still outnumber him. Storm was stupid, rushing in like that, it’s what he wanted.”

“You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to take out someone who isn’t thinking straight.” The pegasi looked up to see the Courier looking down on them, wearing a twisted smile. “Or someone who isn’t paying attention.”

The ponies dove out of the way as his left fist travelled through the space that Cloud Nine’s head has just occupied. As the turned to face him, they were shocked to see him clutching his hand and swearing in pain. “Motherfucker! Fuck fuck fuck my fingers fuck!”

Punching someone while using knuckle dusters is usually absolutely fine. They tend to absorb the blow and you only get a little bruised. Punching the ground, on the other hand... You’ll be lucky not to break every finger and half the bones in your hand. I did that, as well as twisting my wrist.

And of course those bastards took advantage of my moment of distraction.

The Courier was distracted from the pain in his hand when a pair of armoured horseshoes collided directly with his spinal column. He fell face-first and got a mouthful of dirt. “And stay down!” he heard Cloud Nine yell triumphantly, quickly followed by the crowd.

“Not fucking likely,” he said as he pushed himself up with his good hand. The crowd, as one, gasped.

“What!?” Thunder exclaimed as the Courier turned around slowly. “B-but your spine!”

“My spine is made of a super-durable tungsten-carbide/titanium-carbide alloy and embedded with shock-absorbing technologies to withstand everything you can throw at me,” he calmly explained. “I am unbreakable.”

“Your hand says otherwise,” Cloud Nine retorted, keeping a straight face.

A large portion of the crowd tried to hold back their laughter, while the rest just gave in. It wasn’t particularly funny, but given the circumstances there was little else to laugh at.

“Cracking jokes? Really?” he asked, completely unamused. He blinked when he noticed something was off. “Wait. Where’d the other one go?”

He got his answer when he was suddenly assaulted with an electrical current. He let out a pained scream as his entire body screamed in agony. As he fell, he was dimly aware of a male voice yelling out “You just got thunderstruck!”

There was a mass of cheering, the ponies convinced they had just seen two of their number take down this savage soldier from another world. The combatants, on the other hoof, were cautious. They weren’t sure that electrocution was going to be enough to keep him down. They were right.

“That’s it,” the Courier growled. “No more playing. You think you’re the only ones with a few tricks up their sleeves?” As he stood, his right hand uncovered and hovered over his Pip-Boy, the fingers dancing around on the screen. “Guess again.” His finger tapped something only he could see. That was the last thing that Thunder Strike knew before his entire world became pain.

Even with one arm, the Courier did a fine job of turning the stallion’s face into a rather crude aerial picture of the ruins of DC. Thunder Strike had lost consciousness halfway through the assault, but still the man kept on attacking, the speed he moved at too much even for Luna to see what he was doing.

Cloud Nine was now shaking in her horseshoes. She had seen this being brutally take down two of her colleagues, two of the best fighters the Night Guard had to offer. And all he had to show for it was a self-inflicted injury.

She now knew that he hadn’t wanted to fight all three of them at once as some sort of boast. He had wanted to give them a fair chance. And even with their healing amulets he had managed to wipe the floor with them. From the very start, the outcome had been obvious. “Two down,” she heard the Courier say confidently. “You gonna surrender?”

“The Night Guard never surrenders,” she answered, sounding much braver than she was feeling.

“Then it looks like I’ll have to break every bone in your body,” he replied, grabbing his head with his good hand and eliciting a frightening cracking. Cloud Nine saw an opening. It was only a moment later that she realised that she had fallen right into his trap.

In the moment she started galloping towards him, the Courier planted his injured hand on the ground and, using it as a support, swept his legs in a circle, the saturnite shin guards connecting with three of her legs. She went down with a pained yelp. She was sure that, at the very least, one of her legs was broken.

As she groaned, the Courier knelt down and whispered to the mare. “At this point, I’d take out my revolver and paint the ground with your brain. You’ve lost this.” He grimaced, trying to ignore the pain throughout his whole body. “Last chance to surrender,” he offered.

“Over my dead body,” Cloud Nine spat defiantly.

“I’ve killed and eaten things that put up more of a fight,” he said, shaking his left hand in an attempt to get rid of the numbness. “Seriously, just give up. For both our sakes.”

There was a tense silence, and the crowd waited with bated breath. “Fine,” the mare said warily. “I surrender.”

“I declare the victor of this fight the Courier!” Luna declared, the Courier standing up and raising his fist high in the air, a triumphant smile on his face.

Author’s Notes:

VATS, Implant GRX and the Ranger Takedown. And that’s not even half of what he’s packing.

We never get told what your spine gets replaced with in the game. There’s my guess.

19

I had never seen an orange before. Not even a picture. I wasn’t raised in some cushy vault, I’m a child of the wastes. I knew how to handle a rifle before I was ten. When d’you get yours? Oh come on, a B.B Gun does not count. You can barely kill radroaches with one of those things! Bet you found that out the hard way, huh?

After Celestia kindly explained what an orange was, how to eat it and guided him through the process of how to peel it, The Courier found the fruit much to his liking. A lifetime of hunting his own food had very nearly made him a pure carnivore, his diet supplemented with the occasional banana yucca or Nevada agave fruit. For him, fresh farmed fruit was a luxury, one that had to be sacrificed for survival’s sake. He had told her that, in between mouthfuls, and the princess had responded by informing him that during his stay here it would be the other way around.

“No meat,” he repeated calmly. “Huh. That’s... gonna take some getting used to.”

“I have nothing against those who need to eat meat to live, Thomas,” Celestia explained serenely. “I just worry about what the staff might do in their panic when they hear that the one responsible for hospitalising three guardsponies is a predator.”

“I understand that, just my experience with food that wasn’t meat is usually two-century old ‘food’ so processed you’re better off eating the box it came in,” he said, not happy with the memories this topic was bringing up. “I swear, if I see one box of Fancy Lads Snack Cakes, I’ll kick someone.”

“You won’t need to worry about that,” Celestis said, wondering how bad something had to be to trigger such a response. “All the food in the castle is prepared fresh.”

“Okay then,” he said, his enthusiasm returning. “Sounds better than the situation at Camp McCarran, then. The cooks were stuck using preserved foods for years,” he explained when he noticed Celestia’s odd look. “Morale was pretty much non-existent.”

The Courier left the medical bay at ten thirty, according to the Pip-Boy’s clock, to retrieve his weapons and other confiscated equipment. He was accompanied by the same guard that had checked him for a concussion earlier, Defib.

“Ow. Ow. Ow.” Every step was punctuated with a complaint. “Never again. Ow.”

“You could just stay in bed,” Defib suggested. The stallion had been chosen to act as the Courier’s guide/attendant during his stay. He wouldn’t have minded if it weren’t for the fact that the Courier happened to be the worst patient ever. “Hay, you probably should.”

“I hunted down a man after he tried to put me in an early grave,” the human spat back. “Two holes in my brain didn’t stop me. No fucking way these bruises will.”

“Two holes in your...” The pegasus’ voice trailed off. “Probably explains a few things,” he muttered. “Maybe I can help. What hurts the most?” he asked, partly out of a desire to help, partly because he didn’t like the idea of being around the human all day if all he did was complain.

“Everything,” he replied smartly. “Give me a few days, I’ll be fine.”

“A few days?” the stallion repeated, unbelieving. “You showed me the bruising on your arm, if the rest of your body looks anything like that, you’re looking at a few weeks!” Defib finished by jabbing the Courier’s left knee with a hoof. “And that knee, you’ll be lucky if the swelling’s gone down by the end of the week.”

Thomas was leaning over and massaging the wound, trying to keep his breathing steady. “I promised not to kill while I was here, but I sure as hell won’t lose any sleep if I break your nose,” he muttered darkly.

“Not happening,” Defib replied with a smile, rubbing his forehooves together until they started crackling. The Courier stared at the blue and yellow lightning that engulfed the stallion’s hooves.

“So that’s how...” he muttered, a little wary. “Keep that away from me, getting electrocuted hurts.”

“It can’t hurt that much, the shock Thunder Struck gave you in that fight should have kept you down,” Defib commented, dispelling the sparks. “There’s no way you should have gotten back up.”

“The amount of metal in me, I’m more surprised that it didn’t kill me,” he muttered darkly.

“Metal?” the pegasus asked.

“There’s probably ten pounds of shrapnel inside me that I never had pulled out,” the Courier replied conversationally, exaggerating the possible extent of his past injuries just to see what reaction he would get.

“There is no way that is possible without you having lost a leg or something to gangrene,” Defib said angrily, disappointing the human. “Not to mention the possible damage to your internal organs.”

The Courier rolled his eyes. “Couldn’t you have at least pretended to be a little shocked?”

“You refuse to cooperate with common sense, why should I pander to you?” the guard shot back acidly.

The Courier ignored this and kept on walking. The pegasus hovered after him, doing his best not to look too much at the strange metal thing on his arm. “You wanna know what this is, don’t you?” he asked as they entered the castle proper.

“I admit, that has been puzzling me as well.” They both turned to see Princess Luna, the Courier’s weapons floating behind her.

“Your Highness,” Defib said reverently as he dipped into a bow.

“My guns!” Thomas exclaimed happily, earning himself a glare from the guard and a smile from the alicorn. “I was starting to feel vulnerable.”

“Are things truly so bad that being constantly armed is necessary?” Luna asked as she floated the weapons over, sounding worried.

“Depends where you go. Stick close to the cities, you’re usually okay. Out in the wilderness, though...” He shrugged. “Uh, could you...?”

“Oh, of course,” Luna replied hastily, setting the guns down on the floor. “Remember, Thomas, our arrangement was that they be kept non-operational,” she gently reminded.

“I know,” the man replied as he pulled the magazine off his submachine gun and tucked into his duster. He continued to do the same with the rest of his weapons, moving incredibly fast and efficiently. “There. Now they’re just fancy clubs.”

“Come with me,” Luna instructed, turning tail. “I have information regarding the theft.”

You would not believe how happy I was to hear that. Being there was nice, but I wanted to get back. No place like home, and all that crap. Besides, I hadn’t played poker in a week and I was worried I could lose my touch.

Of course, there are two sides to every coin.

Luna’s explanation ended with them in her room, the scene of the crime. The Courier sat on the foot of her bed, Defib looked around, having never been in the room before, and Luna stared at the chest that had been broken into.

“It wasn’t a pony?” The Courier did not like where this conversation was going.

“No, the magic signature does not match.”

“You can pick that kind of thing up?”

“Usually it’s the kind of thing that would be obvious. But whoever is responsible went to great lengths to throw us off the trail.”

“Could it be the griffons, your highness?” Defib asked, running through everything he had heard again.

Luna seemed to ponder this for a moment. “No, those who can use magic are kept close to the ruling caste. There is little chance that one with the skills needed was in Canterlot.”

“Could a unicorn have, I dunno, disguised their magic? Is that even possible?” Thomas could not believe that he was seriously asking these questions. His only experience with magic a week ago were the stories he’d find in Tæles of Chivalrie magazines. Now here he was talking about a thief who used magic alongside a talking pony that could manipulate electricity and what he suspected to be a physical goddess. How things changed.

“The skill needed to do such a thing is rare. The only ones that could reliably pull that off are myself, my sister and her student. And Twilight Sparkle has far too much respect to even think of stealing,” Luna finished. “Guard, do you have any ideas?”

“What was it they stole?” Defib asked. “A weapon, or...?”

“It’s something called the Transportalponder. A device that acts as a... I suppose ‘beacon’ is the right word, for a device that then teleports me to a predetermined point,” he explained. “Somehow, it malfunctioned and dropped me into that forest. As for why they stole it?” He shrugged. “Maybe they thought it was a weapon. Even if it was, it’s not gonna do them much good, I broke it.”

Defib thought about that for a moment. “If they think they stole a weapon, then we should be looking at those who view Equestria negatively. The Diamond Dogs, or the Changelings.”

“Changelings?”

“Shapeshifters that feed off of positive emotions,” Luna explained. “We know there are no Diamond Dogs within the city, but you raise a good point. Changelings...” the princess mused. “There could very well be one among the staff. We need to investigate this further.”

Author’s Notes:

Okay, this took longer than I would have liked.

20

“Basically, it tells me where I am, the most direct way to somewhere else, how injured I am, where those injuries are and what time it is.”

The Courier had just finished an incredibly long-winded explanation on the capabilities of the Pip-Boy. Or rather, he had tried to. A lot of the technical language was too much for the poor guard, in the same way that a lot of the talk of the arcane was a complete mystery to him. He found himself simplifying it enough for a child. When that wasn’t enough, he went for tribal. That turned out to be too far, and he had to apologise for accidentally insulting him.

“So, it’s a map, a medical device and a clock?” Defib asked.

“There’s so much more to it, but that’s enough to get a good idea.” Mentally, the Courier began to berate himself for using such technical language. I need to stop hanging around the Followers.

“Wouldn’t such a device make one complacent?” Luna asked. “If you have no need to worry about where your enemies are, or to even properly concentrate on attacking, how can you rightly claim to be such a proficient warrior?”

He shrugged in lieu of an actual answer. “An edge is an edge. I’ll take all the help I can get. And don’t all your guards have armour that heals them?” he asked

The princess acted as though he never said that last part. “If all the places you have travelled to in the past are anything like the Sierra Madre you told me about, I can understand that,” Luna said quietly.

“Sierra what-now?” Defib asked, not having the slightest clue what was going on.

“A city of the dead,” the Courier answered. He turned back to Luna. “And no, not all the places were like the Sierra Madre. Some were worse.”

And then I told them about the Divide. About what Ulysses nearly did, about the Marked Men, about - what? I haven’t told you that one yet? Fuck, now I feel stupid. Okay, I’ll tell you that one later.

“This ‘Divide’ is nothing more than a blasted ruin?”

“No, it was Hell on Earth,” the Courier clarified. “A Hell home to cannibalistic mutants and weapons that could level entire cities. And don’t get me started on the Deathclaws.”

“I cannot imagine what that was like,” Luna muttered, trying her best to conjure up the images of a canyon made of fallen buildings and wrecked vehicles, the entire scene constantly battered by skin-flaying dust-storms.

“What probably makes it worse is that not even five years ago there was a thriving village in there. Then one day half the nuclear missiles went off and tore the place apart. All because of some little bit of Pre-War tech,” he finished bitterly.

“Weapons that harness pure, unfocused magic...” Defib said uneasily. “I can’t even imagine what kind of sick mind devised such a thing.”

“Thomas, your explanation...” Luna said. “It seems lacking. Is there something you’re not telling us?”

There was a very uneasy silence. “I... well...” For the first time, there was something approaching genuine, heartfelt regret. “I didn’t know. It was just a job. ‘Take this package to the Divide,’ that was all they told me. How was I meant to know that would happen? How was I meant to know I was bringing their doom?”

“You killed them all,” Luna whispered as Defib stared at him in disgust.

“I didn’t know!” the Courier cried, tears running down his face. “I had repressed those memories! But the day I went back, I remembered everything! What it had been like, humanity’s best chance to begin again! And I completely destroyed it! Do you... do you know what it’s like?” he asked tearfully. “What it’s like to see something completely and utterly destroyed, no hope of undoing the damage, knowing that you’re responsible? Especially when you didn’t mean to do anything? And then having to live as though it never happened!?” He put his face into his hands and cried into them.

Luna looked at the sobbing man and turned to the guard. “Give us a moment,” she ordered. Defib complied, but not before giving the man a strange look. “Courier,” Luna said, turning back to him, “I do.”

“You do what?” he asked back, refusing to look up from his lap.

“I know what it’s like to see the site of devastation knowing that, indirectly, I was responsible.” She stepped closer. “A thousand years ago, control of my body was taken from me. I could only watch as ‘Nightmare Moon’ committed atrocity after atrocity. Entire towns were destroyed, mountains turned to dust.” The Courier, his eyes red, pulled his hands away from his face and turned to look at her. He was shocked to see that she was close to tears. “I was labelled a monster, a menace. My sister and the thing controlling my body fought for what must have been days. Eventually, my sister succeeded in banishing my body to the moon. She had thought me dead, Courier,” the alicorn said, tearing up. “She had thought that the thing controlling my actions had destroyed my soul and replaced me with it.”

“Why... why are you telling me this?” he asked.

“Not long before you arrived,” she continued, “I visited the site of our last battle. The foul, horrible magics I had used there, it would be accurate to say that they far surpassed anything these ‘nuclear weapons’ are capable of.” She looked at him, her tears flowing like a river. “It had once been a city, Courier. The largest, grandest city of its time. And there was nothing! A-absolutely nothing left! It was as though it never existed!” With those last words the alicorn collapsed to her knees, weeping unashamedly.

To Thomas, there was only one thing to do here. He slowly got up and walked to her. When he was close enough, he reached out with both arms and tried to grab Luna around the neck in a hug. Only his Pip-Boy began ticking so fast the ticks ran together to create a horrible grinding noise. He pulled away in an instant. “Err... Is there a way you could...?”

“One... one moment.” Luna sniffed before her horn shone. Her mane and tail, the twin voids of night and stars, became limp and turned a delicate shade of blue. There were still traces of the stars, a slight shimmering that could only be seen at the right angle. “It... It should be okay now.”

The Courier tentatively wrapped his arms around her. When he didn’t collapse from an instantly-lethal dose of radiation, he tightened his grip and snuggled into her mane. Luna rose up slightly and brought one of her forelegs around him, pulling him closer.

“T-thank you,” Luna said. “Thank you for listening.”

Author’s Notes:

Aww, isn’t that sweet?

Seriously, how well would you cope in their shoes?

21

So, after we talked, there was lunch. Not a single piece of meat. I thought I could deal with it but, in all honesty, I think it was a small miracle I didn’t end up looking for some. No idea how well that would have gone.

Didn’t help that there was this pompous little shit who thought that he was entitled to everything. Oh, I scared him all right. I scared that little fuck shitless.

“You did not have to say that to him!”

“He had it coming!”

The guards could only look on in a mix of confusion and amusement as the Princess of the Night stormed out into the courtyard, the strange biped following after her hurriedly. “You had no right to say those things!”

“Half of your guards looked like they were ready to buy me a drink!”

The cause of their falling out was that the Courier had verbally assaulted Prince Blueblood. It had all started when the prince had tried to have Thomas forced from the dining hall. His response had been “Well I want a brahmin steak, a bottle of wine and a girl from the Gomorrah, but we don’t always get what we want.” That did not go over well.

By the time it was over, Thomas had not only threatened to sodomise the prince with his own horn, he had also said something about shoving a radscorpion poison gland down his throat, force-feeding him broken glass and gouging his eyes out with his bare hands. Those four threats had been the tamest. Blueblood’s ‘threats’, if they could even be called such, were met with callous laughter. What was said next made the young noble’s blood run cold and bowels loosen, quite literally in the case of the latter. “Don’t aggravate the predator. Especially when you look so fat and delicious.” What had made it worse was the way the Courier then licked his lips hungrily and wiped away non-existent drool.

“I am sure if they knew what you said they would not feel that way!”

“Maybe not!” the Courier replied. “But that pompous ass had no reason to yell at that pony for getting his drink wrong!”

“That...” Luna let out an aggravated sigh. “That may be, but what you said was still excessive. And inexcusable.”

“Excessive, yes. Inexcusable?” He caught up to her, doing his best to keep away from her deadly tail. “The way he acted, it was just like how I saw the Legion soldiers act around their slaves. That’s the kind of thing I don’t stand for.”

“I see no point in arguing, but I should let you know that the palace staff are well paid, especially those who have to deal with him on a regular basis,” Luna said, coming to a stop by one of the statues that dotted the gardens. “You need not concern yourself with them.”

“Fine.” He came to a stop next to her and looked at the statue, a mare holding up a flag. “Maybe saying I would eat him was a bit much,” he conceded.

Luna rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised you came to that conclusion yourself.”

“No need to insult me,” Thomas said unhappily. “Not like I would eat him, anyway. Too close to cannibalism, if you ask me.”

“Is that so?” Luna asked, an eyebrow raised and curiosity piqued.

“He can talk, he can make his own decisions, and he can decide whether or not to act like a complete asshole.” Luna gave him a flat stare for that last comment. “Besides, I bet he’d be all stringy. I like my meat tender.”

Luna shook her head, amazed at how distasteful the man’s sense of humour was. It was completely at odds with what had happened barely an hour ago. Almost as if... “How?” she asked.

“Huh?”

“How do you do it? From what you have told me, you must surely be suffering from the burden you carry. Yet you remain so jovial and optimistic. How?”

The Courier sighed. “Oh, I’m suffering. Will for the rest of my life. But, I have something to live for. To fight for. Maybe I can redeem myself. Maybe I can’t. Either way, I’m gonna try.” He spied a bench not far from where they were. “Mind if I sit down? My knee is killing me.”

“Of course.” Luna followed him to the bench and lay on it, taking up most of the space. There was enough space for Thomas to sit on the end. “If I may ask, what do you fight for?”

“Vegas. That shining oasis in the middle of the Mojave Desert. A place to relax, have fun and forget all your troubles. Until the journey home and you realise you don’t have enough money. The sights, the sounds, the girls.” He let out a somewhat lecherous smile at that last one. “I live with what I did, and I try to balance out my karma. All I can really do.”

“Karma? What is that?” the princess asked, never having heard the word before.

“Karma is... Hm. Gimme a moment.” He brought a hand to his chin and reclined as he tried to think of the best way to put it. “Karma is like... cosmic justice. You do good things, good things happen to you. You do bad things and bad things will happen instead.” He shrugged. “Pretty simple stuff.”

Luna made a small grunt as she considered what he had said. There was truth to what he said, and in a way he had no idea of. The natural magic of the world, different to the manipulatable kind utilised by unicorns and alicorns, had a way of ‘knowing’ what was happening. It wasn’t uncommon for bad luck to visit those who had wronged others deliberately, and for good fortune to come to someone who needed it. It was quite likely that his world had something similar.

“Princess Luna! Courier!” They both turned to see a familiar lavender unicorn approach them.

“Twilight Sparkle! Come, join us,” Luna said with a gentle smile, gesturing for her to come closer.

“Hey there,” the Courier said, waving lazily at her.

“My brother was looking for you,” Twilight said when she got closer, looking more than a bit concerned.

“Oh great,” Thomas muttered. “What’s this about?”

“Apparently, Prince Blueblood wants you thrown out the castle, and he wants to know why he shouldn’t do what the prince says,” Twilight answered.

“He will stay as my personal guest,” Luna responded, standing up. “Inform Shining Armor that Blueblood is to come to me if he wishes to complain further.”

“Yes, Princess,” the mare said. “Why does he want you gone, anyway?”

“I threatened to eat him.” Twilight blinked before snickering at the Courier’s response.

“That was kinda funny.”

“He did make that threat, Twilight Sparkle.” With those seven words, her expression went from mildly amused to heavily disgusted. “He has no intention of doing such a thing,” the midnight alicorn said reassuringly.

“Still...” Twilight said, the disgust on her face.

“Like she said, I ain’t gonna actually do it. I’m pretty sure the guards would hear the sounds of bloody murder and smell me cooking him if I tried,” he said with a chuckle. “What?” he asked when he noticed the pair of flat stares the mares were giving him.

Anyway, it was about a week after I got there, I think? The lack of meat played hell with me. I’m amazed I didn’t try and kill one of the little birds I saw flying around the gardens.

Right, sorry. The rest of the girls, y’know, Twilight’s friends? Well, Celestia invited them to dinner or something. Just a private thing, too, none of those other idiot royals. Oh god, they were worse than the bureaucrats in the NCR! I felt like strangling half of them!

The Courier was lying face-down on the bed he had been provided, trying to actively purge the last three hours from his memory. He wasn’t having much success.

“Is he okay?” Twilight Sparkle asked, sounding concerned.

The guardspony next to her looked a little worried too, though there was a little awe mixed in. “He spent the afternoon with some of the Princesses’ councillors. I’m amazed he’s still conscious.”

“Never have I felt so much like murdering something,” they heard him mutter into his pillow.

“What did he say?” the guard asked.

“Nothing important,” Twilight said quickly as she pushed past the armoured pony, levitating a paper bag behind her. “Mister Courier? Are you - ”

“Please tell me there will be alcohol,” he asked desperately, cutting her off.

All Twilight could do was blink at that. “Uhh, Princess Celestia said something about wine, but - Eeep!” Thomas had, without any warning, jumped up from the bed and landed on the floor with the speed and agility of a cat, causing Twilight to trip over her own hooves in an attempt to get away. “What was that for!?” the unicorn asked loudly from her place on the floor.

“Because now I have something to look forward to!” he exclaimed loudly. “I can finally - ” The Courier cut himself off mid-rant as he took in the mare properly. “Is that a dress?”

Twilight Sparkle brushed herself off as she stood up. “Well it is a formal dinner,” she replied smartly. She was wearing a simple dark blue dress, lacking in the way of frills and adornments. It had taken her a whole hour to convince Rarity that simplicity was best in this case. There was still the rather dazzling necklace, but that was the only concession she had made. “Do you like it?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s nice,” he said, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. “I get the feeling showing up in dirty pants and a duster stained with my own blood is a bad idea,” he said uneasily.

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Twilight replied, ignoring the comment about blood. She pulled something out of the bag and set it on the bed. “Rarity made these for you. She had to guess on the measurements, though.”

He picked up one of the items and let out a low whistle. “This... is a nice jacket.” The jacket in question was a deep, rich black. It had a pair of tails that would go down to his knees, diamond cufflinks and a pair of buttons for the front. There was also a white shirt, a pair of equally black pants and even a belt, though it was clear that it wasn’t leather. “All I need now is a top hat and a cane,” he commented. Then he frowned. “Of course, then I’d look like one of those nutjob cannibals at the Ultra-Luxe,” he muttered.

Author’s Notes:

I promised some Blueblood abuse, so there you go.

22

Let me tell you, it was amazing. I have never worn anything so comfortable in my entire life. So it was a little big, I just didn’t care.

“How do I look?” the Courier asked, stepping out of his room. He held out his arms and stood in front of Twilight Sparkle.

“Wow,” the unicorn exclaimed. “You look great.” And he did. Rarity hadn’t known it, but somehow she had managed to make a dinner suit that would have put any number of Old World designers to complete shame. The complete simplicity and elegance of it was more than enough to distract whoever looked at it from noticing that the Courier was wearing a pair of steel-capped combat boots that completely clashed.

“The last time I saw something like this, it was two hundred years old and full of holes,” he commented. “Never thought I’d ever get a new one. What is it made of, anyway? It breathes so easily.”

“Silk.” Twilight smiled. She had been a little worried that he wouldn’t like this gift, that he would find it too formal like Rainbow Dash had said. She had no idea how she would have broken that to Rarity.

As she led the man to the dining room, she noticed that the Pip-Boy was still visible. At first, she thought that he had ripped the sleeve off, but he had just rolled it up. It still didn’t answer the question as to why he still had that bulky metal and glass thing on. She still didn’t have much of an idea as to its purpose! “Uh, Mister Courier?” she asked tentatively.

“Just call me Thomas,” he said with a smile.

“Okay, Thomas,” the mare said. “Why haven’t you taken that thing off?”

It took him a moment to identify what she was talking about. “Oh, my Pip-Boy?” he asked, receiving a nod. “Well, the things I need to unlock it are back in Goodsprings, so it’s stuck. Unless you want to cut my arm off,” he said jokingly. Without warning, his expression turned deadly serious. “You’re not gonna cut my arm off, are you?” he asked, pulling it close to his chest and holding it protectively.

“What? No!” the lavender scholar exclaimed. “I would never do such a thing!”

“Good, because me and my arm, we’re quite attached.” He grinned after a moment, at which point she realised that the whole conversation had been a joke.

“That... really isn’t funny.”

As the Courier shrugged, a third voice made itself heard. “It’s nice to see you two getting along.” They looked to see Princess Luna waiting for them at the doors, she too dressed for the occasion.

Her mane and tail were devoid of magic, hanging rather limply from her body compared to the normal flowing void. She wore her usual royal regalia, albeit with a few additions. Attached to her jeweled yoke was a large dress. It partly wavered alongside her forelegs in an exact mane-matching blue and ending at the base of her stomach. Draped over her back was a soft midnight blue robe that gently met with the marble floor. There were three white crescent moon-like curves that connected at each flank . A violet sheer hovered just above the dress, filled to brim with stars. Draped on her wings and weaved between her primary and secondary feathers were links of pearls, serving no purpose other than to look beautiful.

The Courier was stunned, though not the apparent reason. “Why are you wearing dresses anyway? It’s not like you normally wear clothes.”

“Tis a special occasion, a dinner with a being from another world,” Luna replied.

“So how is it any different to the past three nights?” he asked back teasingly.

“Because tonight you won’t be muttering vulgarities at the other nobles,” the alicorn answered playfully.

Twilight Sparkle blinked as she looked between the pair. “Am I missing something?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“So, anything about...?” Thomas asked tentatively, ignoring the unicorn.

“I’m afraid not,” she sighed. “Whoever is responsible did an admirable job of covering their tracks.”

Thomas let out a sigh of his own, one that spoke of his frustration with his situation. “I swear, when I get my hands on whoever’s responsible, they’re gonna beg for death,” he said darkly, his hands clutching at a neck only he could see.

A worried expression crossed Twilight’s face as she remembered that this man was capable of incredible acts of violence. She almost felt sorry for whoever would get in his way during his quest to return home.

Anyway, the dinner that night. For once, I did not mind the complete lack of meat. Everything was so... strange, though. I’d guess that a lot of the stuff, you could get before the war. Pasta, you ever heard of that? What about cheese? Apparently, it’s made from milk! How do you even do that?

Why are you looking at me like that?

There were eight other ponies in the dining room when they entered. Princess Celestia, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. They were already seated and waiting, for the most part, patiently.

Princess Celestia, much unlike her sister, was wearing nothing more than her regalia. A puzzled eyebrow had risen into her ethereal mane when she caught sight of her sister. Trying to impress someone, are we? she asked teasingly, quickly opening a private telepathic link to Luna to keep the words private.

The younger alicorn’s face turned a bright red through her coat. That is none of your business! she replied angrily.

None of the other ponies were wearing much in the way of clothing, either. Twilight looked at her friends, each as naked as the day they were born, except for Applejack and her hat. “And nopony told me?” she asked with a weary sigh. “None of you thought to maybe send a letter or something?”

“Sorry, Twi,” Applejack said, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. “None of us thought you’d dress up for somethin’ like this.”

“Dinner with the Princesses, Applejack. Dinner with the Princesses,” Twilight whispered, a note of mania in her voice. “Of course I’d dress up for something like this!”

Turns out, it wasn’t actually a formal thing. Doesn’t mean I liked the dinner suit any less. Most of the ponies were, well, naked. At the time, I couldn’t help but wonder just why Luna was all dressed up. I found out later that night, trust me. Oh, you’ll know when I get there.

Anyway, there was another one with wings and a horn, and she wasn’t some immortal living goddess. No, just a relatively normal pony that happened to get lucky. She was also pink. Yes, pink.

“So, is she your girlfriend or...”

“Wife, actually,” Shining Armor said, smiling awkwardly. He wasn’t particularly comfortable being this close to Thomas, but the way he was dressed and how polite he seemed was enough to make him rethink how he short he had been with him before.

“And the horn and wings mean you’re royalty?” the Courier asked, directing his question at Cadance.

“No, just a happy coincidence,” the light pink alicorn replied. “I am a princess, but what I look like has nothing to do with it.”

Look, I don’t want to bore you with the details of that night. It was long, trust me. Do you want me to skip to the good bits? Yeah? Okay then. The first one, well... Apparently, I can sing.

“A song from home?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie replied eagerly. “I wanna know what kinda thing you sing about!”

“Ah’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Applejack said apprehensively. The past half hour had been enough to thoroughly convince her that she had been wrong about Thomas, but there was a part of her that still worried. “Ain’t they gonna be about, y’know...?”

“Just because where I am from is violent does not mean the songs reflect that,” the Courier retorted, his words a little slurred from the three glasses of wine he had had. “The only one I can think of is about a lawbringer.”

“I remember you singing a song shortly before you were let out of detention,” Celestia said. “Could we hear the rest of it, maybe?”

“I guess,” he answered, sounding as though he didn’t want to actually sing. It didn’t stop him, though, and he licked his lips and began to whistle a tune. Then he sung

“Heartaches by the number

Troubles by the score

Every day you love me less

Each day I love you more

Yes, I've got heartaches by the number

A love that I can't win

But the day that I stop counting

That's the day my world will end

Heartache number one was when you left me

I never knew I could hurt this way

And heartache number two

Was when you came back again

You came back but never meant to stay

Yes, I've got

Heartaches by the number

Troubles by the score

Every day you love me less

Each day I love you more

Yes, I've got heartaches by the number

A love that I can't win

But the day that I stop counting

That's the day my world will end

Heartache number three was when you called me

And said that you were comin' back to stay

With hopeful heart I waited for your knock on the door

I waited but you must have lost your way

Yes, I've got

Heartaches by the number

Troubles by the score

Every day you love me less

Each day I love you more

Yes, I've got heartaches by the number

A love that I can't win

But the day that I stop counting

That's the day my world will end.”

He finished singing and found the ponies staring at him. “Was I that bad? And was I the only one who heard music?”

Princess Luna was the first to recover. “No! Your voice is... amazing.”

“Ah din’t think you could sing like that,” Applejack added.

All the other ponies agreed, praising him. “That was awesome! Don’t you know any happy songs, though?” Pinkie Pie asked, sounding a little disappointed.

“Hmm...” The Courier thought for a moment before a sly smile formed. “I think I have one.” He cleared his throat again and began to sing.

“Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

And then there suddenly appeared before me

The only one my arms would hold

I heard somebody whisper, "please adore me"

And when I looked to the moon it turned to gold

Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own.”

Luna turned crimson as the other ponies tried to stifle their laughter at what was undoubtedly a joke at her expense.

“And then there suddenly appeared before me

The only one my arms will ever hold

I heard somebody whisper, "please adore me"

And when I looked the moon had turned to gold

Blue moon

Now I'm no longer alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

Blue moon

Now I'm no longer alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own.”

He finished the song and flashed the Princess of the Night a grin. “I didn’t know the moon could turn red,” he commented. “And I definitely heard music that time,” he added, looking around for its source. “Where is it coming from?”

I sung a few more songs after that, can’t remember which ones though. Sorry.

I was worried that all the progress I had made at that point would disappear when that white one, what was her name again...? Rarity! That’s it. Yeah, when I told her what my duster is made of.

Her reaction, though, along with everyone else’s, not what I was expecting in the slightest.

“So, Thomas, what were you wearing?”

“Hm?” He looked up, pasta hanging from his mouth as he was interrupted from shovelling it in, his fork still next to his mouth. He slurped up what was hanging out as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie snickered. “Sorry, what was that?”

“I was asking about what you were wearing earlier,” Rarity’s expression one of mild distaste. “I’ve never seen anything quite like that coat.”

“Oh, my duster,” Thomas replied, now understanding what she wanted to know. “Well I... I found it in the Divide!” he said a little too loudly. “Not made from bits of animals or anything like that!” He hoped that, by explicitly denying what it was made of, they would focus more on that aspect and forget to ask in more detail where he had found it. He wasn’t particularly proud that he had pulled it off a corpse.

So it came as quite a shock when the mare just continued to eat as though he had not told her that parts of his clothing were made from tanned animals hides. Which, while technically true, was not the case. “I’ve never seen anything made with such a large quantity before. I take it those gloves were made of the same material?”

“Uh, yeah, leather,” the Courier replied, still a little mystified. Why was she so calm about this?

“Is that what’s it called?” the unicorn asked, only baffling the man even further.

Then they spent ten minutes telling me that a large portion of the guard’s armour that isn’t metal is actually leather, along with other things used in industry and such. It makes sense, but something about it just doesn’t feel right. They get it imported, apparently. Something about griffons, I think they said. And something about it being something they just accept because of its usefulness. Doesn’t really explain why she didn’t just freak out.

Anyway, a while after that was the first downer of the night. Had to happen, just wish it wasn’t like that...

“So, Twily says you’re a soldier?” Shining Armor asked, attempting to find common ground with the Courier.

“Civilian contractor,” he replied drunkenly. Thomas had lost count of how many glasses of wine he had had, but there were easily five empty bottles on the table. Most of the mares had either retired for the night, or were so drunk themselves that they were engaged in their own private conversations. “I don’t like the word ‘mercenary’, t-too many idiots giving it a bad name.”

“Oh,” Shining said unhappily. “I see.”

Normally, Thomas would have ignored such a reaction. Unfortunately, he was very definitely drunk, and Drunk Thomas was nowhere near as friendly or rational as Sober Thomas. “You gotta problem with that?”

“In my experience, those who hire themselves out for money like some back-alley whore have nothing in the way of morals,” the unicorn replied, amazingly articulate for the amount of wine he had consumed. Unfortunately for both parties, he was also quite drunk and the rules that applied to the Courier also applied to Shining Armor.

“Shining!” Princess Cadance exclaimed angrily. They both ignored her.

“So, you think that just because I’m a gun for hire, that means I’m some kind of immoral killer?” he asked, leaning over the table to better look the stallion in the eye, his words coming out as a slurred mess.

“Judging by that Diamond Dog nest you cleared out, I think so,” the drunk guard replied nastily.

“They were tr-trying to enslave children.” Thomas blinked before continuing. “They got what was comin’.”

“What they had coming was imprisonment,” Shining retorted. “Vigilante justice only makes things worse.”

“Shining,” Cadance said again, her voice eerily flat and devoid of emotion. Yet again, she was ignored.

“And idiots like you call yourselves ‘heroes’, where all you do is destroy lives, peace and any security there might have been!” Shining finished.

“Oh great,” Twilight Sparkle muttered from the sidelines, facehoofing. She had been watching the whole thing, prepared to intervene if things got ugly. “They’re having the ‘mercenary’ argument, aren’t they?” she asked no-one in particular.

“One moment,” Cadance said, stepping closer, sick of being ignored.

“How about we settle this?” the Courier asked drunkenly, standing up unsteadily. The grim look of determination would have been more impressive if his eyes weren’t so unfocused.

“Okay then!” Shining Armor made to stand up as well, but was stopped when a strange blue glow enveloped his left ear and began to tug. “Owowowowow!”

Really? A group called Talon Company, huh? Sounds like a bunch of complete bastards.

I’m just glad his wife stepped in. That bastard has a shield spell of sorts, I bet if that hit me I would’ve dropped dead. And it was really satisfying seeing him whimper like that.

Anyway, after that everyone else decided to leave. Somehow though, from there things managed to get even weirder.

Luna and Thomas staggered through the halls of the castle, drawing a number of worried looks from the guard. They were both very drunk, and as if to emphasise this they were both leaning against each other and taking sips from a bottle of wine the Courier had swiped from the dining room.

“T-that was a good dinner,” he said happily.

“‘Twas,” the princess replied. “A shame about what happened with you and the captain,” she added drunkenly.

“He thought he could take me!” Thomas exclaimed drunkenly before laughing. He took another swig from the bottle. “Damn that is good. Want some?” he asked, offering it to Luna.

“Thank you,” the alicorn replied, gripping the mouth of the bottle in her teeth. The guards were treated to the very strange sight of a human bottle-feeding one of their princesses like she was a foal. “W-we really must see to getting more,” she said when she stopped, the bottle now empty.

“Fuck, you drank it all?” he asked, holding the bottle up.

They progressed in silence for a few moments more. Somehow, they had managed to find Thomas’ room in their drunken state, and the pair entered.

“Bed!” he exclaimed. “But I don’t feel tired,” he added.

“Neither do I,” the princess said, making her way to his bed and clambering onto it.

“Don’t you have your own room?” Thomas asked, watching as Luna removed her dress and jewellery.

“”Tis too far,” she answered as she struggled with one of her shoes. Thomas went over and grabbed it, wrenching it off with ease. As he sat on the bed and removed his jacket, she spoke. “I cannot even remove my own shoes, what hope do I have of making it to my own room?”

“True,” he said, swaying slightly. He opened his mouth to say more, but got the shock of his life when the princess forced her lips onto his.

“It has been over a thousand years since I have lain with another,” she said when she pulled away. She was trying to do a sultry smile, but her drunkenness had reduced it to something closer to a lecherous leer.

Thomas didn’t respond immediately, as though thinking things through. After about fifteen seconds, he shrugged. “Why not?”

And so, a horny moon goddess more or less forced herself onto me. I was a completely smashed, and it had been a while, so I just went with it. Fine, call me a pervert. I know you went and hired Fisto at the Wrangler when you showed up in town. Damn creepy robosexual.

Author’s Notes:

I imagine the Wanderer giving the Courier the “are you fucking retarded?” look at the cheese comment.

And the reaction of Beese, who is a friend, collaborator and sort-of-not-really co-author, when I told him what I had planned for the last paragraph.

Me:

Also, had this part for the end of the dinner thing with the Courier

*The very last paragraph*

Beese:

Oh god

Me:

Is that a good Oh God or a bad Oh God?

Beese:

It's....

A little bit of both to be honest

Beese:

It's fine, it's fine. It's just...

Oh god.

Me:

In that case, Mission Success!

Oh, and I have saved that little conversation

What was your reaction?

And yes, the inaccuracy in that last paragraph is completely intentional.

23

Thomas slowly opened his eyes and immediately wished he hadn’t. The sun seemed to shine on him with murderous intent, sowing pain and agony through his brain. He shielded his eyes and looked around the room. Nothing seemed extraordinarily out of place, though he did wonder as to why he was completely pantless.

He pushed himself up and felt his right hand come into contact with something warm and fuzzy. He looked around and saw that he was touching Princess Luna’s neck. “So that did happen,” he muttered calmly. This calmness disappeared when he noticed that her mane and tail were flowing like on an invisible wind, and he fell off the bed as he tried to get away. “Oof!”

The sound of the man hitting the floor was enough to shake Luna from her tenuous slumber. “Oh my head,” she groaned. “Never again.” She looked around the room and blinked. “Wait. This isn’t my room. Where am I?”

“I think I landed on my Pip-Boy,” the Courier muttered in pain from his place on the floor.

Luna’s eyes went wide and her ears shot up when she heard his voice. “Oh no...” she said quietly. “I didn’t...” she whispered as she crawled over to the source.

“Oh, we did,” Thomas replied. He pushed himself up carefully, rubbing the bruise from where he had landed on his Pip-Boy. “Though I can’t exactly remember much in the way of details. I do remember screaming, though,” he said from where he was seated on the floor.

Luna’s coat seemed to turn about ten shades paler at that last comment. “Oh me... Please tell me I didn’t...”

The door to the room creaked open, and the head of Princess Celestia made itself visible. She looked around the room, her gaze stopping on her sister and the human. Thomas instinctively brought his hands over his crotch. Luna’s expression became one of complete horror when she saw the sly smile her sister had.

“Luna, I won’t question your taste in bedroom partners, but do try to keep it down,” she said. “Other ponies do need to sleep.” The indigo alicorn turned so red she thought (and hoped) she would spontaneously combust. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to contact a few glaziers.”

As the door closed, Luna smacked her head into the frame of the bed. Repeatedly. “Why why why why why!?” she asked, each word punctuated with a crack as her skull connected with the wood.

So, apparently, we were at it so hard her screams woke up every single pony in the castle. And broke more than a few windows. You have no idea how awkward I felt.

Anyway, after that, I went to breakfast. Yes I had clothes on, what do you take me for? Luna just teleported straight to her room. I guess she was too embarassed. Yes, very funny.

To say that the meal of the day was an awkward affair would be like saying that space is cold. Technically true, but so very lacking in detail and depth. It didn’t help that most of the other ponies seemed to only be half-awake, with the guards present seemingly traumatised. Luna and Thomas did their best to avoid each other’s gaze as they ate in silence. Celestia, Twilight and Applejack watched the pair, the latter two in confusion.

“So, I trust everyone slept well?” Princess Celestia asked the room at large.

Princess Luna’s eyes went wide and she gulped. No. Her sister was not doing this. Surely not.

Twilight Sparkle noticed her reaction but said nothing of it. “Fine, princess. I think I heard somepony screaming, though I may have been imagining it.”

“Nah, Ah heard it too,” Applejack said. “Whoever it was, they were mighty loud.”

It took all of Luna’s willpower not to teleport to the moon and hide there for the next century. Oh, relax, Lulu, Celestia said telepathically. Luna was sure she could feel the mirth. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.

There is when you wake up the whole castle, Luna shot back. Why did you let me drink so much? You know how I get.

You seemed to be enjoying yourself, Celestia replied, sipping from her glass of orange juice. I wasn’t going to take that away from you.

I rather that you did and save me from humiliating myself, Luna grumbled.

Oh calm down, Lulu. They won’t begrudge you for having a good time.

Like the councillors did when they found you sandwiched between those two Diamond Dogs? Luna replied.

Everyone got a shock when Celestia’s face turned a bright red for no apparent reason. We agreed not to talk about that! Celestia yelled hotly over the link.

Luna’s expression went from annoyance to joy a little too quickly. Shall I tell them, Tia? Tell them that their virginal princess is anything but? she said nastily

Don’t you dare. Celestia’s telepathic ‘voice’ had become dangerously low, the kind of low best associated with murderous rage.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Luna replied evilly, echoing her sister. Just relax.

What I did over a thousand years ago is not their concern! Celestia looked away from her sister, trying not to let her win.

So you have moved on from Diamond Dogs? Luna asked innocently. Is it griffons now? Or perhaps minotaurs? Heavens forbid, not your own guard, surely?

Celestia mentally spluttered as she scrambled to construct a coherent response. Before she could, her sister shot another remark her way, one that pushed her over the edge.

Please tell me you haven’t been abusing Shape Shifter’s cloning spell, she said, sounding slightly disturbed by the very notion.

ENOUGH! Celestia screamed over the link.

While the princesses had their little ‘discussion’, Applejack and Thomas were having one of their own.

“Ah wanna say Ah’m sorry. Yer a right decent sort, and it was wrong of me to judge you so harshly.”

Thomas blinked. “I was not expecting this. Er, thanks?”

“It’s just that, when Ah saw you fight those Dogs, it was like a completely different pony. Ah thought that it was just an act, the way ya were before,” the farmer admitted. “Ah couldn’t rightly see how ya could be so kind, and so darn scary as well.”

The Courier sighed. “To do what I do, you have to be a bit two-faced. In a fight, it’s a completely different part of me, one that enjoys it. Doesn’t help that when I have a job, I kinda get a little... caught up in it. Only reason I went after Benny in the first place.” Applejack tilted her head in confusion, not knowing what he was referring to. “And when the job means I have to hurt people... I try to make it as quick as possible. I don’t want to know what’ll happen if that other side stays in control too long.”

Applejack was silent, taking all that in. She could see where the man was coming from. She didn’t really understand, and doubted she ever would, but she could tell that every word was sincere. He spoke nothing but the truth.

“If’n ya don’t mind me askin’, why did ya react so badly to those Dogs?” she asked. It was something that had bothered constantly, and she wanted an answer.

He stayed silent for so long she thought he wouldn’t answer. “Just after I found Benny, I was offered a chance to talk with Caesar, the man who commanded the Legion. I decided to go, simply because I wanted to know what I was dealing with. Knowledge is power, and all that,” he said, gesturing aimlessly with one hand. “Anyway, I got to The Fort, and they took most of my weapons. I came across a young girl, about ten I think? Her name was Melody. She told me that all she did was tend to the animals. But the way she said it...”

All the ponies had gone silent, even the princesses, having finished their little argument. They watched the Courier intently, waiting for him to finish.

“I talked to her a bit longer. What I found out, what she told me...” He sighed and lowered his head. “I went and killed the guards and got my weapons. Then I killed every single soldier in that camp. When I got to Caesar, I put two holes in his head before he could even open his mouth. His guards didn’t last much longer,” he finished, his voice so full of malice that even Celestia was shaken.

“What inspired you to create such a bloodbath?” Luna asked.

“They were raping her,” he replied darkly. The ponies gaped at the news. “She was only a child, and every night, one of those sick bastards would force himself onto her.”

“And ya thought...” Applejack’s voice trailed off.

“I thought your sister and her friends were going to go through that same ordeal,” Thomas said, finishing her sentence.

“What happened to Melody?” Twilight asked, unable to imagine what could drive a being to do something so wrong to one so innocent.

“I took her to the Followers of the Apocalypse. They try to educate people about the best ways to survive. Medicine and such,” he explained. “I didn’t know if they would be much help, but there was nowhere else to go. Last I heard, Melody was helping run errands for the Followers in Freeside.” Thomas smiled. “She seems so much happier now.”

“That...” Luna didn’t have a chance to say any more because at that moment Rarity decided to walk in.

“Twilight? What are you doing here?” the purple-maned pony asked.

“What do you mean?” the lavender bookworm asked back. “I’ve been here for about half an hour.”

“But I just saw you walk into Fluttershy’s room,” Rarity explained worriedly.

“Courier!” Luna exclaimed, rising from her seat.

“What?” he asked, still a little caught up in the story he had just finished recounting.

“Come with me!” she ordered.

Surely you can wait, Lulu, Celestia said teasingly over their link.

We may finally have a link regarding the theft, and all you can do is joke? Luna replied venomously. This is no time for such things.

Celestia blinked, unaccustomed to hearing such poison in her sister’s words. But, the younger princess had a point. Of course, Lulu, forgive me.

“What’s going on?” Thomas asked, still confused as to what was going on.

“We may finally have a suspect regarding your stolen belongings.”

“Really?” Thomas asked, jumping up from his seat, sounding the liveliest he ever had. He cracked his knuckles in a threatening fashion. “About fucking time.”

So, off we went to Fluttershy’s room, the five of us. I’m not used to having so much back-up. It felt good.

Well, we got there and, fucking strangest thing I’ve ever seen, Twilight was talking to Fluttershy. But Twilight was right next to Celestia as well. I knew these Changelings were capable of that, but I never thought it’d be so flawless. At least, until the other Twilight saw us and her eyes turned green. And I mean “radioactive waste” green, complete with glowing. I get the feeling that it was going to attack us, but I never gave it the chance.

Punching one of those things is like punching a radscorpion. But they go down pretty easy, it was out like a light. Let me tell you, those fuckers look weird. They stand like the rest of the ponies but they’ve got this black shell - carapace? That’s the word? Well, yeah, one of those. They have strange holes in their legs, no idea what they’re for. No, they go all the way through. Wings like the ones off of a bloatfly, a jagged pointy horn and... Oh boy the eyes. You’ve seen a cazadore’s eyes, right? Well, just like that, but blue. Like, sky blue. It was creepy.

No, the weirdest part was the fact that, somehow, despite the fact that they’ve got that solid carapace, the face was just as expressive as the ponies’. I dunno, maybe there’s so many small plates or something. We didn’t dissect it, what is wrong with you?

Author’s Notes:

I don’t really have anything to say.

Enjoy, I guess?

Also, my co-author/proofreader disappeared before I could get his opinion on the latter half, so expect that to suddenly change.

24

The Changeling came to in a small, dark room. There was only one light source, a small lamp hanging from the ceiling. It tried to move, only to find itself tied to a chair. It’s horn ignited in a green glow as it tried to magic itself out, but all it received for its effort was a sharp burst of pain surging through its brain.

“Don’t even bother, it won’t work.”

The insectoid eyes darted and focused on the bipedal figure sitting across from it. Its head was hidden behind a metallic mask, the eyes a burning crimson. Not much more could be seen in the gloom. “You punched me,” the Changeling hissed.

“You can talk!” came the slightly muffled reply. Judging from the tone, the emotion-eater gathered that the stranger before it had not expected a reply.

“Of course I can talk,” the shape-shifter growled, a strange noise to hear from something so insect-like.

“This makes getting information out of you so much easier,” the masked figure said. The Changeling could feel the emotion, so minor, in the words and immediately tried to absorb them. The instinct to feed could be overbearingly powerful at times. To its dismay, there was no sustenance to be found.

“So, we can do this the easy way,” the biped stood up and straightened what the Changeling recognized to be clothing, “or the hard way. Your choice.”

“You think I will just give you answers?” it asked, disbelieving at the other’s naivete.

“Oh, I know you will,” it replied. “It’ll only be a question of how long it’ll take before I break you,” the biped said, leaning closer, its voice dripping with malice.

“You really think you can break me?” the Changeling replied confidently. It began to subtly probe the stranger’s mind with its magic, trying to read its emotions. To its dismay and horror, there was nothing, absolutely nothing. Where any other creature would have had a maelstrom of joy, sorrow, rage, anger and love, there was only a void, a vast nothingness that stretched to infinity. Where any other creature would have had emotion, there seemed to be none.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” the biped whispered. “I love a challenge.”

“How long do you think it’ll take?”

“It’s barely been ten minutes, I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re stuck waiting here for two hours.”

The two guards guarding the small room, one in golden armour and the other in dusky purple, were not acting very professionally. It was hard to blame them, though. The room wasn’t one somepony would just stumble across, mainly because most areas of the guards’ barracks were off-limits to civilians, especially the areas underneath. It had also been a while since the interrogation room had even been used, close to thirty years, and because of that not many ponies even knew that there was one.

The Solar Guard pegasus glanced at the door. “Do we even need to be here?”

The Night Guard unicorn rolled his eyes. “Probably not, but that Changeling might break free,” he said, brushing his helmet’s white plume from his eyes.

“It was tied to a chair and the room nullifies magic,” the pegasus explained. “We may as well have snapped off its horn and removed its wings!” He shuddered. “It looked like the captain was about to do that, too.”

“Captain?” The purple stallion raised an eyebrow. “Which captain?”

Before the other guard could reply, the door opened. The strange biped they had let in barely ten minutes ago emerged from the room, letting out a yelp as it stumbled backwards and covered its eyes. “Damn low-light optics,” the Courier muttered as one hand rose up and flicked a switch on his helmet.

As Thomas walked away, the Night Guard shuddered. “Damn, he’s scary,” he muttered.

The Solar Guard raised an eyebrow at this remark. “You, Beacon, scared?”

“You didn’t see him in action, Overcast. Took down three Night Guard captains on his own. At the same time,” Beacon replied. “And he apparently has weapons that can put a hole in our armour without any effort.”

“Now you’re making stuff up,” Overcast snorted. “There is no way - uh oh.”

“‘Uh oh’? What ‘uh oh’?” Beacon asked, not liking what he was hearing. Then he saw what the pegasus had.

Thomas had not bothered to close the door to the interrogation room when he had left. It was wide open, creaking slightly on ancient hinges.

“We should probably close that,” the unicorn said uneasily. “Besides, not like the Changeling - ” Beacon cut himself off. “Sweet merciful Faust it’s gone!”

“What!” Overcast exclaimed, rushing into the room. “It was tied up! I saw it! Beacon, gimme a light!”

The unicorn tried to make his horn glow before bellowing in pain and collapsing to his knees. “Stupid magic nullifying - I’ll grab a torch!”

The unicorn left the small room and ran upstairs to the mess hall. As Overcast waited, he inspected the room. The small lantern didn’t reveal much, but he could see that the ropes had been untied, not cut or magically forced. He was about to leave with this information when he heard something. “What was that?” he asked. It had come from one of the corners of the room, where the light couldn’t reach. The sound came again, something that sounded eerily like... crying?

“Hah’m back!” Beacon exclaimed as he barrelled into the room, the small torch in his mouth. He blinked as silence returned. “Wha’s za oise?”

“Come over here,” Overcast whispered, gesturing with a hoof. Beacon walked slowly over, allowing the torch to shine on the corner the pegasus was looking at. What they saw was so strange that the torch nearly fell from the unicorn’s mouth.

The Changeling was curled up into a fetal position, and sobbing uncontrollably. Overcast hadn’t even known that Changelings had tears. It was also shaking like a leaf, and muttering something under its breath. “R-red-eyed... red-eyed demon... r-red-eyed demon...” Despite the guards’ prodding, it didn’t say anything else or move from its corner.

“So how was it that a Changeling managed to get through? Again?” Luna asked as she paced about her room.

“We suspect the influx of new recruits to make up for the losses incurred in the attack during the wedding, along with setting up the actual security measures, gave it the opportunity it needed,” Captain Cloud Nine answered, keeping her head bowed. “We have begun sweeping the castle, as well as casting the detection spell on staff. So far, we haven’t had any luck.”

“Very well. Return to your duties, captain.” The mare bowed again and backed out of the room, bumping into the still-helmeted Courier. She turned around and almost let out a squeak when she saw who she had bumped into. Thomas watched in bemusement as the guardsmare disappeared from view as fast as politely possible.

“I think your guards are scared of me,” he said as he entered the dark room.

“Can you really blame them?” the princess asked back. “You gave them a display of martial prowess unlike one seen in decades. Doesn’t help that you fractured her skull, punctured her lung and broke two of her legs in the fight,” she added.

“That was her?” he asked, looking back outside the door. He shrugged. “There was a reason I came up here. I finished the interrogation.”

Luna span around, a little shocked. “Already? Impressive. Do I want to know how?” she asked skeptically.

“My methods aren’t exactly... right. Ethics would just get in the way,” Thomas answered. “Besides, I got the impression from Shining Armor that he wanted results fast.”

“Really? That...” Luna trailed off as she thought about that, a troubled expression muddying her features. “That’s not important. What did you discover?”

“Changelings think they took a weapon. Apparently, their queen has it.” Thomas shrugged. “Dunno what they’re planning, but they think they’ve got some superweapon.”

“That alone is reason for concern,” the alicorn said worriedly as she resumed her pacing. “If Chrysalis believes she has such a thing, there’s no telling what she might do.”

“Only one thing to do, then. Go in and take it from her. By force,” the human said, cracking his knuckles.

“Calm yourself, Courier. We are not going to declare war on them for this. Though the fact that we caught a Changeling is enough of a reason,” she conceded. “And we have been needing to put the new armour through a field test...” the princess muttered. “Did you find out anything else?”

“Your highness, we cannot allow this to stand!”

“Captain, calm yourself. This is not the time for rash decisions.”

“Princess, they had the gall to infiltrate the staff! There’s no telling what they were planning!”

Thomas and Luna looked at each other with raised eyebrows. There weren’t many who had the guts to argue with Princess Celestia. This was made even stranger because the other pony had just been addressed by rank.

They entered the throne room to see a fully-armoured Captain Shining Armor staring down the Princess Celestia. Both were wearing fierce scowls as Princess Cadance and Twilight Sparkle watched from the sidelines.

“Ah,” Shining said as he turned around to see Thomas. “What did you learn from the Changeling?” All the stallion got in response was a blank stare.

“It sounds nice, but I have no idea what you just said.” Shining Armor growled unhappily and repeated his question. “Ah. It was here for surveillance, it had no intention of harming anyone, and they think they’ve got a superweapon.”

“A what!?” the guard exclaimed.

“Do they have such a thing, Courier?” Celestia asked the moment she recovered from the shock of that statement.

“If they do, it’s nothing to do with me,” the human replied, throwing his arms up in a display of innocence. Or perhaps frustration, it was difficult to tell which.

“Your highness, this is all the more reason to attack now!” Shining Armor said, rounding towards the white alicorn again. “A show of force will surely make them think twice!”

Just my luck, really. I wind up in a magical land free of major conflict and indirectly start one. It wasn’t actually that bad, over before it really started, but it was still frustrating.

Anyway, it was a whole three hours before things got really settled. And by that I mean that everyone had stopped yelling non-stop to make themselves heard. Had to put a bullet in the ceiling to get that to happen. They weren’t happy with that. I didn’t care, I’m surprised those princesses yelling didn’t send me deaf.

Author’s Notes:

Now, I could be an evil bastard and just leave this hanging for a few weeks while I work on my other fics. Or I could just work on this for a while longer. What to do...

And damn, Courier is scary.

25

“Luna mentioned something new armour before.”

“Yes, development started several days after the failed Changeling Invasion of Canterlot.”

“And that was...?”

“Three months ago.”

Thomas was following Shining Armor to the guards barracks within Canterlot Castle. Thomas was without his helmet, but the stallion was still in full armour.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” Shining continued. “You’re just a mercenary, after all.”

“Yeah, a merc that toppled an empire and brought some measure of peace to a region,” the Courier retorted. “And again, civilian contractor,” he added angrily, not happy with the stallion’s attitude.

“The point is, this new armour should help turn things around. We’ve been using armour that’s unfit for a battlefield in large numbers, we needed a wake-up call. Just wish it hadn’t happened the day it did,” the stallion muttered unhappily.

Thomas didn’t say anything as he followed him into another area that lay beneath the actual barracks. “Still, three months is impressive. I think it took America several years to perfect power armour for field use.”

“Power armour?” Shining asked as a pair of armoured pegasi saluted him. “What’s that?”

“Armour so heavy it needs an internal power supply for the wearer to even move. It’ll stop pretty much anything, though.”

Shining Armor seemed to think about that for a moment. “Hopefully, what the smiths have been developing will be just as good, then.”

The door they stood at swung open, and they were greeted by a plume of thick, acrid smoke. The three ponies and lone human backed away and started coughing their lungs out. “Goddamnit! Should’ve kept my helmet on,” Courier said when he could breath normally. “Tastes worse than Radroach.”

“Dammit, Ironshod, what happened this time?” Shining asked before coughing again.

“One of your idiot unicorns enchanted one of the plates wrong, that’s what!” From the room emerged an earth pony, his coat a dull grey, his mane and tail a few shades lighter. His eyes were hidden behind a large pair of goggles. “I told them that they had to be precise, but nooooo, what would an earth pony know about the armour that keeps your troops alive?” he asked mockingly.

“I’ll have a word with them,” Shining Armor muttered. “Courier, this is Ironshod, the one in charge of the new armor project. Ironshod, this is - ”

“Oh, I know who this is,” the earth pony muttered as he stepped closer. “He’s the reason I spent seven hours hammering the plates from three sets of Night Guard armour back into shape,” he growled.

All he got in response was a blank look and a number of blinks. “I did not understand a single word of that,” Thomas replied. “You sound angry, though.”

“What was that, Griffic?” Ironshod asked, turning to the captain.

“No, Zebrican. And that’s not important.” Shining stepped into the room, Thomas on his heels.

“Right, right, the new armour.” Ironshod led them through the room, which was filled with a large number of metal plates on racks, along with spears and the occasional sword. In one corner was a large pit filled with burning coals, next to it a large bucket of water. On the opposite wall from the entrance was a small doorway that led to a storage area. “Smith! Get over here, bring the prototype!”

From the depths of the workshop came loud clanking and a sudden squawk. “One moment!”

Ironshod slapped a hoof to his face. “Dammit, Smith, what did I tell you about being careful!?” the earth pony yelled.

“It’d be a lot easier if things were laid out better for someone with wings!” the voice retorted. A griffon hovered into view from the storeroom, a large number of metal plates cradled in his talons. The tips of his facial feathers had a grey tint to them, and his green eyes were wide. “What is that!?” he asked when he caught sight of Thomas.

Thomas was having a similar reaction. “What the fuck is that?”

You know what a griffon is? You do? All right, makes this a lot easier. Let me tell you, it was fucking strange. Reminded me of a Nightstalker, in a way. Just, two completely different animals stuck together. But it seemed so flawless, so perfect. Actually creepier because of that.

Anyway, Smith - yes that was his name. Why is that so funny? Anyway, Smith the griffon. It’s a whole warrior culture they have. Why they were military allies with the ponies, I never actually asked. Anyway, he was there to learn about metal-working. At least, that’s what I was told.

After a brief explanation and introductions, Ironshod and Smith led Shining Armor into the storage area to fit him. When they asked why, the captain simply said something about theatrics.

Thomas was left alone in the main workshop, and he looked around. He had no idea how anything in the room worked, though he knew enough to guess how things worked.

With nothing better to do, he sat on the ground, pulled one of the Saturnite plates from his legs and inspected it. The paintwork was horrifically scratched, the dull grey clearly visible behind the olive green, but the metal/ceramic (he still wasn’t sure which it was) itself seemed perfectly fine. He was still amazed that something two centuries old was in such great condition.

The same couldn’t be said for his duster or his body armour. He didn’t know how many firefights he had gotten in, how many times he’d been shot at, whether it was bullets, lasers, plasma, explosives or even fire. “How is this thing still in one piece?” he muttered as he grabbed at his duster, riddled with bullet and laser holes. “How am I still in one piece?” he asked to the air, thinking briefly about all he had been through.

He hadn’t exactly been lying when he had told Defib that he had ten pounds of shrapnel in him. He was sure that the amount that had been pulled out of his body during his (mis)adventures across the Mojave was closer to twenty five. He’d had more concussions than he could remember, countless sprains, hairline fractures and complete breaks of so many of his bones. And to think it had all started with a pair of 9mm bullets to the brain followed by being buried alive. From there, things only managed to get worse. It was a small miracle he wasn’t a clinically insane cripple after all he’d been through. “Maybe I have gone insane,” he mused. “Why this, though?” he asked himself. “Some repressed childhood memories, maybe?” he wondered out loud. “No, that doesn’t make any sense.”

He was roused from his thoughts when he heard... something he hadn’t heard before. He looked up and saw the griffon coming out of the storage area. Again, he found himself marvelling at how expressive the face was. It was probably stranger than the Changeling as the beak seemed to be able to bend in ways that shouldn’t be possible, and the feathers just seemed much smoother than they should be.

“Captain say you mer... merce... mercenary,” Smith asked as he got closer.

He nearly gave his normal response/correction of ‘civilian contractor’, but didn’t after thinking about it for a moment. The broken English and the way the griffon had tripped over the word ‘mercenary’ made it clear that he knew little of the language. Thomas sighed and nodded as he resolved to keep the talk at ‘tribal’.

“Captain also say you monster. That true?”

Thomas couldn’t help but laugh. That’s what Shining Armor thought of him? He’d feel insulted if it weren’t so funny. He made to disagree, but the words caught in his throat. In a way, he was. Raiders ran and hid from sight when they saw him. Legionnaires would only attack him if he was outnumbered ten to one. Even the Marked Men of the Divide feared him like an angry god. Was he a monster, though? He had done so much good that he refused to see himself as one. After a minute of thinking, he surprised the griffon with his answer. “Not a monster, no. Monstrous, yes.” Smith rose what passed for an eyebrow in confusion. “Like a monster, but not,” Thomas added, hoping it would clarify things.

“Do you have scars?” the griffon asked after a brief silence.

Thomas raised an eyebrow before standing. “Oh, I have scars all right,” he said as he pulled off his duster, removing the plate from his right arm. “So many scars,” he added as he unclipped the kevlar body armour from the straps, along with the bandoliers and pouches. “Too many scars,” he said as he pulled up the shirt, showing the mess that was his bare chest. He smiled grimly when the griffon’s beak fell open in shock. As he put all his armour back on, he couldn’t help but notice the griffon’s beak opening and closing repeatedly in a failed attempt to find words. And to think, the deepest scars never show, Thomas thought as he tightened the strap for the right arm armour plate.

“What are you gawking at?” Ironshod asked Smith as the earth pony walked into the workshop, still wearing his goggles.

“So... many... scars...” Smith muttered, still in awe at what he had seen.

“Scars?” the pony asked, tilting his head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

The stallion’s question went unanswered as all three turned to the source of metallic clanking. From the storage room emerged a pony-shaped being, encased from tip to tail in gleaming silver metal plates. The only thing that gave away that there was a pony in there was Shining Armor’s tail poking out the rear end, and his uncovered horn. The metal of the armour shimmered from the number of enchantments weaved into it, making the whole thing ripple as though submerged. On the head was a giant cobalt plume, much like the one found on standard helmets, and on the barrel was an indigo star, signifying rank. On the flanks was the wearer’s cutie mark, allowing easy identification of the occupant at a glance. A pair of slits in the helmet, barely noticeable unless you knew what to look for, allowed the wearer to see. All in all, it was incredibly imposing.

“You might want to do something about the chafing,” Shining said, the helmet muffling his voice.

Author’s Notes:

Oh hey, Fallout: Equestria reference!

Just so you know, Saturnite is a ceramic-like metal, according to the official Fallout Wikia.

Also, there was a Team Fortress 2 reference ages back that everyone seemed to miss. Man am I disappointed and frustrated by that.

And don’t worry too much about the colour of the new armour, remember that it’s a prototype!

26

The dull, cold grey stone of the Changeling Hive was far from inviting at the best of times. The remains of a recent battle, the broken bodies and blood of a dozen warrior-caste Changelings, were littered around what could have reasonably been called a throne room. The Queen, lying against the wall she had been flung against, watched in fear and confusion as two of the warriors responsible for the destruction around her glared at each other.

“You monster,” the heavily-armoured stallion hissed, cradling an injured leg, supported by one of three similarly-armoured ponies. Despite a large number of assurances, the heavily enchanted metal had been close to useless against his former companion’s weapon.

“Really?” came the reply. “You call me a monster after what you nearly did?” The biped’s deep voice was muffled slightly by the face-obscuring helmet, but one could still clearly make out the tranquillity that was so out of place. “That’s not what we’re here for.”

“No, that’s not what you’re here for,”came the angry reply. “What I’m here for...” he hissed ominously as he rose to his hooves, horn glowing, “is to kill her. And you won’t stop me.”

“Magical power armour.”

“Hm?”

“Magical power armour,” Thomas repeated. “That’s what you’re wearing.”

“I’m not sure that’s the right term,” Shining Armour replied as they exited the forge area several hours later. Ironshod had insisted on investigating the Courier’s Saturnite plating and kevlar body armour. The captain was still fully encased in metal. “It actually doesn’t weigh anything.”

“Wait, really?” The Courier seemed more shocked about that than anything else so far. “And this stuff weighs about thirty pounds!” he exclaimed, gesturing to his duster and armour plating.

The unicorn chuckled. “It’s not weightless, but the enchantments make it feel that way.”

Thomas grumbled to himself as they entered the castle about the unfairness of the situation. “Being a ghoul doesn’t seem so bad any more...” he muttered.

Shining didn’t say anything. The last time he’d asked for clarification, on something called “F.E.V”, it had left a foul taste in his mouth and the possibility of nightmares. He had no intentions of making the same mistake again.

They attracted a large number of stares, from both servants and other guards. It was quite clear that this had been a very secretive affair, as more than a few thought it was nothing more than a set of animated armour. When they entered the throne room, Celestia listening to a noble’s droning, everything seemed to stop.

“I... I...” The stallion gawked at the pair, as did every guard. “Your highness, what is that?” No-one knew if he was referring to Shining Armor or the Courier.

The set of armour held a hoof outwards in a salute, forming a hundred-thirty-five degree angle with the floor. “Knight-Captain Shining Armor, your highness,” he said, his voice full of military devotion.

“Show-off,” Thomas muttered.

“I am here to report that the new Knight armour is fully functional and ready for field use,” the stallion continued.

That’s what that whole group of soldiers in that special armour is called, Knights. It was a prototype, it’s not like they could just give it to every soldier. Well, completely covered in metal like that, it was kind of intimidating. Don’t want to imagine an entire army of the fuckers. Then again, I’ve seen Elite Rangers, those guys are terrifying. Hey, last I checked, the Brotherhood needs power armour. Rangers don’t.

Celestia really didn’t appreciate us just walking in, either. So, me and the captain, we ended up being escorted out of there. I think she gave him an order, though, because he went back to the armory. I got intercepted by one of those purple-armoured ponies.

“She will see you now,” the bat-winged pony said.

“Thanks. What’s your name?” Thomas looked around when he didn’t get an answer and was a little worried to find that the pony had vanished. “Did one of them get my Stealth-Boys?” he wondered out loud. Deciding to go through his belongings later, he opened the door and walked in.

He’d been in Princess Luna’s room before, but now it was much more illuminated, allowing him to properly take everything in. Not that the extra illumination meant much, as it was still dark. “Luna?” he asked.

“Ah, Thomas, I am glad you could come.” There was a stiffness to her voice, one that told him what words didn’t.

“It’s about last night, isn’t it?” Thomas blinked. “Only last night? Wow. Feels a lot longer ago.”

“Yes, about that,” Luna muttered, rising from her bed. She opened her mouth several times, as though trying to find the right words, but gave up every time.

After close to five minutes of standing in awkward silence, the Courier sighed. “Luna, I was drunk. So were you. There’s nothing to be upset about.”

“But there is,” Luna argued. “I never meant for things to go that far.”

“Yeah, I kinda got that feeling,” Thomas replied uneasily. “I didn’t exactly want things to get to that point either.” He brought a hand to his face and laughed darkly. “Wow. I’ve slept with so many people and only now I actually care.”

Luna couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. “How many...” She shook her head. “On second thought, I don’t want to know.”

“Look, can we talk about this later?” Thomas asked, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t want to be thinking about this when I get my Transportalponder back.”

The alicorn scowled at him. “Fine. But don’t expect to be able to dodge the subject again.”

“I don’t plan on it,” the man smirked, holding up his hands innocently. A second later, his face turned serious. “Look, I’ll need to know what I’m getting into. Where the Changelings live, what kind of resistance to expect, that sort of thing.”

“You’d be better off asking our intelligence staff, but I believe I can give you a rough overview.” Luna walked around her room and levitated a folder. “Understand that, until recently, the Changelings were ignored as relatively harmless. The attack on the wedding was the first sign of aggression ever recorded.”

“Wait wait wait, wedding?” Thomas tilted his head. This was the first he’d ever heard of any wedding.

“Yes, their queen led an assault on my niece’s wedding. It was only through her actions and those of her husband that they were repelled.” Luna shook her head. “I would have helped, but two dozen Changelings managed to stop me from getting there in time.”

Thomas pondered this fact. Evidently, these Changelings were much more dangerous than he had first thought. Then again, the same could be said of him. “Sounds like a challenge,” he muttered. “Who’s this queen?”

“Chrysalis.” Luna’s scowl returned. “A formidable foe, but she is likely weakened. Given how you fought against my guard earlier, I can’t imagine she’d be too much of a threat.”

“If she can use magic, one lucky shot is all it’ll take,” the Courier said darkly. “It probably won’t kill me, but I don’t have enough Radaway if things turn to shit.”

“All Changelings are capable of basic telekinesis, while the larger ones are known to utilise bolts of magic for offensive purposes.”

Thomas turned around slowly as he summed up all he had been told in one word. “Fuck.”

Oh man, did I regret going into that place. Absolutely nothing like that nest of Dogs I’d cleared out earlier. I’m amazed I didn’t drop dead of radiation poisoning when we were done.

Oh yeah, ‘we’. I had back-up.

The next morning, shortly after a breakfast cut short, Shining Armor introduced Thomas to the other ponies who would be joining them.

“Unicorns?” he asked. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“I’ve instructed them about the risks. And they’re all willing to do whatever it takes,” the captain answered.

Before them stood three unicorns, wearing the full plate armour of the Knights. The only way to distinguish them at a glance was horn and tail colour. One had an ice-blue horn and a tail as white as fresh snow, the second had a red horn and a tail that looked more like fire than hair, while the third had a dark grey horn and a deep violet tail.

“I swear, this is like the Brotherhood all over again,” Thomas muttered.

Author’s Notes:

Can anyone guess what’s going on?

And yeah, writing in detail the salute that Shiny used in the first half of the wedding two-parter, it makes it feel like the freaking Nazi salute.

And yes, Knight-Captain. Not exactly a promotion, more like entering a Spec-Ops group while keeping your previous rank. If that makes sense.

27

“You want me to get in that thing?”

“You were brought here in one.”

“I was unconscious.”

“I can arrange that, if you want.”

“Touch me, and I’ll break you,” Thomas threatened, eyeing the unicorn wearily.

“Chariots are perfectly safe, we even brought the large one so you can sit comfortably.”

“I don’t give a shit how safe it looks, I’m not getting in that thing.”

Shining Armor rolled his eyes under his helmet. He couldn’t understand what the problem was. Nopony had fallen out of a pegasus-pulled chariot in centuries, they were deliberately designed to make such a thing impossible. “What do you want, to be strapped on?” he asked snappishly, getting tired of the man’s attitude.

“No!” Thomas grumbled as he strapped his helmet on. “Last thing I want is to be tied to the fucking thing...” He stuck his hands in his pocket and sighed. “Fine,” came the slightly muffled reply, “let’s get this over with.”

He stepped onto the chariot as though it would fall apart and sat down slowly. The chariot was different to the ones normally used to transport V.I.Ps, as it lacked any sort of paintwork and was easily five ponies long. It was a dull grey, the unpolished metal rough in places, giving the impression that it was only half-finished. This was further supported by the lack of rivets in places, though they were more for show than for any structural integrity. After all, every chariot, even this incomplete one, had layer upon layer of enchantments poured into it to ensure that not even the demons sealed in Tartarus could do lasting damage.

Not that any of this would have done anything to allay the Courier’s concerns. It was his firm belief that man had never really been meant to fly, and that the Boomers were completely insane. Not that he would actually say that anywhere they might hear, they did have enough munitions to level Vegas. Twice.

The three other unicorns seemed to glance at each other. “What’s his problem?” asked the one with the blue horn, his voice muffled by the helmet he wore.

“No idea,” replied the red-horned one replied.

“Probably just afraid of heights,” the third one chipped in, her soft, silky voice completely at odds with her current appearance. The stallions couldn’t help but look at her, the voice wouldn’t have been out of place at a fashion show. Or a dress club. Not that either of them would say that, Shadow Dancer was one of the more dangerous unicorns in the Guard.

“Probably never flown, either,” she continued. “I’m pretty sure you were worse, weren’t you Lance?”

The first unicorn shifted. “So I passed out,” he muttered. “At least I didn’t throw up everywhere.”

“You promised not to bring that up!” the other stallion said angrily, hitting him with a hoof. The resulting clang drew the attention of the captain.

“Firebolt, Frost Lance, Shadow Dancer, get on,” he ordered. “We’re leaving.”

The unicorns got into the chariot, giving Thomas a wide berth. Whether it was out of respect, fear or disdain was a complete mystery.

As the four lightly-armoured pegasi pulling the chariot took to the air, their cargo following weightlessly behind them, the Courier tightened his grip on it. He was glad that he had a full helmet, it hid the expression of complete terror he had. The last time he’d had an expression that was even remotely similar was when he’d ran into a swarm of cazadores with nothing more than a caravan shotgun. But, as he’d be happy to admit, it had absolutely nothing on what he was going through right at that moment.

Twenty minutes in, and he had loosened his death grip on the chariot slightly. He was about to begin praying for a distraction when, mercifully enough, one came.

“First time flying?” a confident female voice asked. He turned to see one of the armoured ponies looking at him. The mark covering her flanks was strange, a great big stylized eye. What it meant was a mystery to him.

“Yeah,” he muttered in response, refusing to look at the countryside that whipped past at frightening speeds. “How can you stand this?”

“Years of practice,” she replied. “I’m Shadow Dancer. You’re this ‘Courier’ I’ve heard so much about.”

“No, that’s the other human walking around,” he snarked. “So, a woman?”

“Great, you’re one of those sexist jerks,” she growled. The term he had used wasn’t one she was familiar with, but she was smart enough to take an educated guess.

“No, I knew a woman who walked around with a pneumatic gauntlet.” The memories helped ease the Courier’s tension. “And the scariest woman I know is a colonel. Crazy, bloodthirsty bitch, too,” he muttered.

“Really,” Shadow said flatly.

“Veronica once punched someone so hard, the force tore his arm out of his socket. That was messy,” he said with a chuckle. “And then there was the time I gave her that Ballistic Fist.” He laughed again as he pulled a magazine for his SMG out of his duster and started loading it. “That was the best thing ever.”

So, I ended up spending the whole ride there talking with that Shadow Dancer. She was nice. Okay, one more joke like that, I will punch you. No I don’t care, there’s enough security here to hold off a platoon of troopers.

Anyway, things went quietly enough. Just a few hours spent sitting in that thing. Then things went to hell in a handbasket.

Thomas pulled his carbine off his back and looked around. There was a red blip amongst the green on his HUD, but he couldn’t see what was making it appear. “Where the fuck are you?” he growled.

Firebolt and Frost Lance glanced at each other through their helmets. “Great, he’s gone crazy.”

“What are you talking about?” Shadow Dancer asked, looking at him with worry.

“There’s something hostile around - DUCK!” he suddenly screamed. The mare did just that as he fired a shot where her head had been. Before any of the ponies could ask just what he had been thinking, a Changeling with a new hole in its head careened into the chariot, making it shake. “Take that, you sneaky fuck,” the Courier muttered triumphantly.

“How did you know it was there?” Shining asked as he disposed of the corpse, throwing it over the side.

In response, Thomas tapped his Pip-Boy. “Doesn’t usually let me see someone who’s invisible, though,” he muttered. “Oh fuck!” he suddenly exclaimed. Without any warning he picked up his SMG and started firing it. At first, the bursts seemed to be completely random, but each one connected with a Changeling, shattering their invisibility as the bullets impacted.

“Contact!” Shining Armor yelled as his horn began to glow.

“They’re everywhere!” one of the other stallions yelled.

“Stay frosty,” the other stallion said, chuckling to himself.

“Now is not the time for jokes, Lance,” Shadow hissed.

“Fuck, they’re bullet-proof!” Thomas dropped his now-empty SMG and picked his carbine back up. He pulled the magazine out and briefly checked the rounds within before snapping it back into the rifle.

“Captain, is the shield ready?” Frost Lance asked calmly, smiting a Changeling with a blast of solid ice.

“I don’t know how much longer we can last!” Firebolt screamed, spraying bright red fire everywhere.

Without warning, the chariot and the ponies pulling it were enveloped in a purple bubble. Any Changelings caught within were dealt with in short order. Shining glanced at the pegasi and saw that they had all sustained minor injuries. “You okay up there?” he called out.

“A bit scratched, sir, but we’ll get you there!” one of them yelled back.

“ETA, ten minutes!” another one yelled.

“All right, you heard him, ten minutes to get ready,” Shining said as he turned back to the Knights. Before he could get any response, Thomas hastily ripped his helmet off and pulled a small bottle from one of the many pockets secreted in his duster. As the ponies watched he unscrewed the lid from it and shook a number of small pellets into his hand. “What are you doing?”

“This shield is slowly killing me,” he replied as he crunched the two Rad-X pills. “This should slow things down.” All the while, his Pip-Boy ticked.

The short battle had done wonders to calm the Courier down, and he could now stand to look over the side of the chariot. “What is this, the Mojave?” he asked quietly. It did indeed resemble the harsh desert he knew as home, though it somehow managed to be even more devoid of life than a place that was a wasteland with a capital ‘W’.

“Okay, the moment we touch ground, things will get messy,” Shining Armor said to the Knights. “Get ready to fight.”

“What the hay were we thinking?” Firebolt muttered under his breath. “Just walking into the Changeling Hive, it’s suicide.”

“Firebolt, you’re my brother and all, but keep that up, and I will buck you into next week,” Frost Lance threatened, keeping his voice completely civil and calm. “We have the captain, and him,” he gestured at Thomas. “You saw what he did against those Night Guards.”

“I’m glad he’s on our side,” Shadow Dancer added as the chariot came to a stop, hovering a foot above the ground. The shield disappeared and the occupants jumped out. As soon as they were clear, the pegasi flapped their wings and disappeared from sight in mere moments.

“Er, sir?” Firebolt asked, looking around nervously. “Just how are we getting out? We’re not walking back to Canterlot, are we?”

Before he could receive an answer, Thomas fired a shot into the air. A Changeling fell out of the sky, landing with a heavy thud next to him. “I swear, these fuckers are everywhere,” he commented before putting his boot through its skull.

“Let’s move,” Shining ordered, ignoring the other soldier’s concerns and the freshest corpse.

The entrance to the Hive, a great crater several dozen feet wide, wasn’t hidden. After all, it had to be an instantly recognizable landmark in an otherwise featureless desert. They had landed on the northern edge, where there was a slope that could be easily walked down, even on two legs.

Shining Armor led the group, Firebolt right behind him. Thomas was in the middle, his rifle allowing him to cover whoever needed it in an instant. On his tail was Frost Lance, and at the end of the procession was Shadow Dancer.

The walls, floor and even ceiling of the cave were filled with giant holes, easily large enough for a pony to crawl through. As they entered the cave, they saw that there were no guards. This struck the entire group as odd. “Maybe there’s no-one home?” Firebolt said, nervously hopeful.

As if on cue, two dozen Changelings started to crawl out of the holes. “You idiot,” Lance muttered. “You just had to open your mouth.”

“Where the fuck did they come from?” the Courier asked, looking down the scope of his rifle.

Shadow Dancer didn’t contribute to the conversation, instead simply focusing her magic.

Under his helmet, Shining Armor smirked. His horn lit up and, half a second later, a pair of magical shields appeared and slammed two of the Changelings together, completely destroying them.

As the mass of squished insectoid equine fell to the floor, Frost Lance and Firebolt lashed out simultaneously, painting the room they occupied with stone-melting heat and arctic frost, killing most of the other Changelings through the sheer overkill of their spells.

Shadow Dancer stared the last Changeling down, her horn still glowing. Without warning, part of its shadow reached up, grabbed its chin and slammed it into the ground. Before the crack of shattering chitin could even be registered, more of the shadow extended out, forming itself into a spike which then impaled its owner. There was a few moments of silence.

“Did... did we just do that?” Firebolt asked, looking around at the scene of destruction.

“I know the new armour is meant to amplify our magic, but...” Frost Lance’s calm demeanour had evaporated, replaced with shock.

“Woah,” Shadow added, summing everything up beautifully. “I meant to just knock that one out. Where’d that spike come from?”

Thomas hadn’t even managed to get a shot off, and he gawked at the massacre he found around him. “What the fuck was that!?” he exclaimed.

After that, the group was left largely alone, though they occasionally ran into a lone Changeling here and there that failed to get out of their way in time. Each use of magic sent the Courier’s Pip-Boy ticking dangerously. By the time they’d made it to their destination, he was at close to three hundred rads and was feeling the effects. “Fuck,” he muttered, leaning against a wall as he took deep breaths.

The ponies ignored his discomfort and pressed on, approaching a great cavern that wasn’t natural in any way. Within were a dozen seemingly-armoured Changelings, and a much taller one sitting on a throne. “Chrysalis...” Shining Armor growled.

As the metal-clad ponies entered, the warrior Changelings snapped to attention and stared their counterparts down. “So,” the Changeling sitting on the throne said threateningly, the cavern’s acoustics making the words echo, “you have the gall to trespass on MY lands, enter MY home and murder MY children.” She rose and stomped towards them, her guard at her side. “You have forced my hoof,” she growled as her horn glowed.

Without warning, one of her guards fell with a crack like thunder. As it staggered to its hooves, bleeding green ichor from the wound, all present in the room looked around. “What was that!?” Chrysalis screamed.

“The last thing you’ll never see,” Thomas replied, his voice bouncing off the wall so many times it made locating him impossible.

“So, the red-eyed demon can turn invisible,” she sneered. “That won’t save you!”

In an instant, the twelve warrior-caste Changelings were engulfed in green flames. Where they had stood, there were now a dozen Knights, each of them perfect copies of the unicorns that had invaded their home.

“Stick together!” Shining Armor ordered. “Don’t let them separate you!”

From there, things devolved into an ugly brawl. Spells were thrown without any concern for who they hit, hooves flailed about wildly, armour was scratched and dented. Thomas couldn’t risk firing into the mass of metal for fear of hitting the ponies. Chrysalis didn’t get involved, instead trying to find the invisible assailant.

“We are masters of stealth and infiltration!” she declared loudly to the room, ignoring the melee. “Do not think you can hide!”

“I don’t need to,” came the reply. Chrysalis ducked as the Displacer Glove travelled where her head had been moments earlier before lashing out with a kick. She smiled when she felt it connect and break something.

“Fuck!” Thomas exclaimed as he pushed himself back onto his feet, pulling the broken Stealth-Boy off his arm. The wind was knocked out of him as something smacked into his chest, sending him flying. As he lay on the ground, momentarily stunned, he was dimly aware that his geiger counter was ticking.

“I expected more of a challenge,” the Changeling queen said as she approached him, the disappointment clear in her voice. “Quite pathetic.”

Thomas forced himself up and turned to face her. One of the lenses of his helmet had shattered from the force of the impact, and he winced as he brought himself to his full height. “You’ve obviously never met me,” he replied. “I don’t go down easy.” His hand shot to his holster and, in less than a second, his Sequoia was pointed at the queen and fired.

A green bubble formed around her, stopping the hand-loaded rifle round dead. “That’s my shield spell!” came a yell from the brutal fight as the barrier disappeared.

“I did a lot more than feed from you!” Chrysalis proudly yelled back, glancing at the source. She looked back at the Courier, only for something to slam into her barrel with titanic force. She felt her carapace crack as she was knocked into the sky. Her insectoid wings begun to flutter, stabilizing her. She came to a stop, hovering sixty feet away and out of reach of the Courier, his arm still outstretched from the punch.

“Get back down here, bitch!” he yelled angrily.

Before she could respond, two bodies came rocketing out of the sixteen-strong free-for-all. The two smouldering metal-clad ponies quickly disappeared in a flash of green flames, leaving a pair of Changelings that had been burnt to a crisp. They skidded to halt underneath the queen. “No!” she screamed. From her terrified, dismayed expression, it was like their deaths was causing her physical pain.

Author’s Notes (Wow this one is long)

Dress clubs, the pony equivalent of strip clubs. Because clothed ponies manage to be even sexier than naked ponies. I have no idea why.

Shadow Dancer is based off an older OC of mine, Shadow Figment. Same colours and cutie mark, though the original Shadow was an incredibly snarky mega-bitch. God I loved her.

And yes, Changelings are immune to some small arms fire. After all, a carapace is essentially natural body armour. It’s only logical. Bugs crunch when you squash them.

Oh, and as for how four ponies and a man who is slowly poisoned by magic are capable of being such powerhouses against a whole swarm of shapeshifting emotion-eaters? Conversion of Ninjutsu, though I prefer the term “Inverse Law of Ninjas”.

Also, longest chapter yet! Yay!

28

Things only got worse for the warrior-caste Changelings. Not a minute after, another one shot out, encased in a solid cube of ice. When it hit the ground, it shattered, removing two legs and a wing from the imprisoned shapeshifter. Then, another, this one choked to death with its own shadow.

Though things might have been going south in the bigger fight, the same couldn’t be said for the queen. With his guns rendered useless and his only options for hurting her reduced to punching, all she had to do was keep her distance and fling magic at him. Which she did.

Thomas dove to his left as another ball of green magic slammed into the ground. As the dust from the explosion settled, he yelled another taunt at the enraged queen. “That the best you got!?” His eyes went wide when he saw the glow on her horn was now enough to illuminate the whole room. “Uh oh.”

This time, instead of one great sphere, a stream of smaller ones came rocketing out. Chrysalis smirked as she saw the red-eyed demon throw his arms over his head in a futile gesture of self-preservation. Each impact kicked up an incredible amount of dust, completely obscuring him from sight in seconds.

It took nearly thirty seconds for the smoke to clear, and she was absolutely shocked to see him standing there, completely unscathed. He patted his body, as though checking for any holes. “How the fuck?” she heard him ask, just as shocked as she was.

Despite outward appearances, this magical barrage had actually done something to harm him. His geiger counter had leapt from just under four hundred rads to more than six hundred. The radiation poisoning was making standing a small challenge. To make matters worse, the area he now stood in was registering just over five rads a second. As quickly as he could, he moved, running for the other side of the room. Halfway across the room, he came to a stop when something crashed down in front of him, nearly taking his head off.

It was one of the Knights. A quick glance at the tail and flank, where there was a ball of flames, told him that it was Firebolt. His armour was coated in black soot, and parts of it seemed to have melted. Most disturbing, though, was the crack that ran down the length of his horn. Thomas didn’t know what that meant, but the fact that the body now seemed to be leaking radiation was enough to convince him to get away.

As he jumped over the unconscious unicorn, Chrysalis landed gracefully in front of him. “So, all you do is run,” she taunted. “Too scared to fight me?” she asked as she held a hoof to her barrel, feigning sadness.

“Fuck you,” he declared defiantly. There was a buzzing of wings behind him and he glanced to see that three of the Changelings had detached themselves from the melee. “Oh come on,” he muttered wearily. “Why don’t you just kill me?”

“Oh, don’t you worry, I will,” Chrysalis replied as she glared at him. “I think I’ll give you a few last words, though.” There was a brief silence as the three bugs moved, one of each side, the last one behind him. “Well?” she asked impatiently.

Thomas took a few deep breaths before standing up straight, fists balled up. What couldn’t be seen under his helmet was the proud smirk he wore. “Yea, though I may walk through the Valley of Death, I will fear no evil.” There was a pause, one that let the words sink in. Without any kind of warning his left hand shot out and grabbed the horn of the Changeling standing there. In that same instant his Displacer Glove slammed into its face, tearing the horn from its body and sending it rocketing across the room. “NAY!” he proclaimed loudly, ignoring the searing pain from the horn’s edges as they sliced through his glove. He brought his left hand up and let go of the broken horn, where he grabbed it with his right. In one smooth movement, he brought the point down, right into the eye of the Changeling to his right. He spun around as it screamed in agony and drew his Sequoia, pointing it at the third shapeshifter. At this range, there was no chance of missing. “Evil will fear me!” And then, for the Courier, time stopped.

“We lost Firebolt!” Shadow screamed. Normally, she would never do anything of the sort, but the sheer noise of the fight meant it was that or go unheard.

“I knew it!” Frost Lance responded as he blasted a Changeling with frost. “The armour’s too unstable, there’s no way my brother would lose control of a spell like that!”

“So you think the amplification is dangerous?” she asked, holding a Changeling at leg’s length to stop it from tearing through her armour.

“The last time Firebolt hurt himself slinging fire around, he got his cutie mark!” He slammed a metal hoof into a Changeling, shattering its disguise and sending it reeling. He shot it with a chunk of ice, but the bug managed to dodge at the last second, leaving the projectile to harmlessly shatter against the wall.

Behind them came a crunch and a scream. They turned to see their captain raise a gore-coated hoof and slam it through a Changeling’s head.

It wasn’t only Shining Armor’s hoof that was covered in bits of dead shapeshifter. Here and there chitin clung to him, stuck there by ichor. His tail was stained green and, if one were to look under the helmet, they would’ve seen a manic glint in his eyes and a twisted smile on his muzzle.

“Is it just me, or is he having too much fun?” Frost muttered, distracted by this worrying sight.

Before Shadow could answer, something leapt onto her back and pushed her to the ground. The same thing happened to Frost Lance, and before either of them could retaliate a flurry of blows slammed into the back of their heads.

Shining Armor was so embroiled in his own fight that he failed to notice that he was now the last pony standing. He looked up from the Changeling whose face he was currently rearranging when he heard Thomas yelling. “Evil will fear me!” he saw the man claim, one of his weapons pointed right a Changeling’s face. Two titanic bangs and the shapeshifter fell, a bullet through each eye. Then, Chrysalis pivoted and bucked the Courier in the back of the head, sending him flying.

“You call me a monster, when all I aimed to do was feed my children!” She stomped towards the prone human. “You label me a villain, when I took the only option open to me!” She placed a hoof on the Courier’s spine and pressed down hard, keeping him down. “My children are starving! How wrong is it for a mother to do whatever she must to protect them!?” she asked, tears flowing freely and her voice a little choked. “And you kill them, as though they are nothing but mindless animals!”

“M-mother?” Thomas croaked.

“Yes, their mother! Every Changeling you’ve killed, I felt their deaths! I am not the evil one! You! You and those who sent you!”

A lot of what she said was lost to the ringing in his ears, the symptom of his latest concussion. It didn’t help that he had what he suspected to be a major skull fracture, either. He still managed to get the general feel of what she meant, though that may have been the hoof pressing down into his spine.

On the other side of the room, Shining Armor and Shadow Dancer, who had somehow managed to stay conscious, were trying to fight off the remaining warrior-Changelings. With their numbers dwindled, the shapeshifters’ efficiency seemed to have increased ten-fold, and it was taking everything the ponies had to hold them at bay. Without warning, the captain’s Knight armour shimmered and his shield went from a small bubble to an explosive shockwave.

The four remaining Changelings were sent flying, as were Chrysalis and Thomas. Being on the ground, he didn’t go far, though he did end up with some fresh bruising when he collided with the wall. One of the Changelings was pushed into it so hard it looked as though it needed to be scraped off.

Thomas pulled himself up, using the wall to help him. He groaned as he put his head into his hands. “Oh god that hurts,” he groaned, referring to nothing in particular.

Chrysalis picked herself up, her ears ringing from her recent high-speed impact with the wall. Before she could get her bearings, another shield slammed into her, sending her across the room. Another one appeared and came down with the force of a vengeful god on her left foreleg. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”

Her scream threatened to rupture the eardrums of everyone still conscious, but Shining Armor didn’t care. All that mattered to him, the only thing that mattered at all, was that she suffer.

The metal-clad stallion trudged towards the queen, each step sending pain through his body as his Knight armour rubbed against his bruises. When he saw her try to stand, he grabbed her with his magic and, using a shield to add momentum, flung her against a wall.

Thomas had managed to walk across the room, his carbine in his hands. He stood between Shining and Chrysalis before speaking. “Shining.”

“Out of my way,” he growled.

“You’re gonna kill her.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

“Of course I’m gonna kill her,” the captain snarled. “Now get out of my way!”

Thomas stood there silently for a moment before looking down his carbine’s scope. Calmly, he pulled the trigger.

Author’s Notes:

Evil cliffhanger is evil!

I’ve been waiting for a chance to use that “Evil will fear me!” bit since I thought up of it about the same time I decided to have Thomas mount Luna.

30

“Hit me.”

“You’re at eighteen. Now remember what I told you?”

“There’s only three cards that will help, high risk, high reward. Usually, it’s not worth it unless you’re cheating.”

“Right, and any casino will throw you out if they catch you.” Thomas flipped his cards over. “I have a ten and a three.” He pulled a card from the deck and revealed it. “A two.” He revealed another. “An ace.” He flipped a third card and swore. “And a Jack. I’m bust.”

Firebolt scooped the small pile of bits and pulled them closer with a smirk. Shadow Dancer threw her hand down in disgust. “How is he so good at this?’

Frost Lance sighed as he rubbed at his brow. “No idea, Shadow.”

Three days had passed since the incursion into the Changeling Hive, and Firebolt’s recovery was going well. Despite the initial concerns presented by the damaged horn, he had been told that he was looking at only three weeks before he regained full control of his magic. He still had several bald spots among his red coat, evidence of where the melted-on armour had to be pulled off.

To make his stay in the guard’s infirmary more tolerable, Thomas had offered to show him how to gamble like a professional. The other Knights had caught wind of this and, with the help of a translation spell, had spent most of the last two days playing blackjack, poker, bridge and craps. Much to their chagrin, the bed-bound pony had managed to win most of their money.

“Are you gambling?” The four turned to see Shining Armor standing there, not looking amused. His leg had been heavily bandaged where the bullet had gone through.

“Sir, it’s not as if we’re on duty,” Firebolt answered.

“That’s not really the point, corporal.”

“So, captain, any reason you’re interrupting our fun, or are you just that much of a stick-in-the-mud?” Frost asked, looking at his latest hand.

“Actually, I need to talk to the Courier.” Thomas sighed wearily and stood up.

“Sorry, gonna have to cut it short. I might come back later.” Firebolt let out a groan while Frost Lance sighed in relief. He had virtually no hope of winning with a ten and a six.

“At least I’ll be able to keep all my bits,” Shadow grumbled.

“Now I want to go to Las Pegasus,” Firebolt said happily as he counted out his winnings.

“Las - you’re shitting me. There’s a casino town?” Thomas threw his arms up. “Well fuck! Why did none of you tell me?”

“You never asked,” Shining retorted with a smile as he led the grumbling man outside.

“So, what are we talking about?” Thomas asked.

“Well, I never really got to thank you.”

“For crippling you?” Despite how simple it would have been to heal his leg, the captain was walking with a limp. It was better to let the flesh heal on its own, rather than force anything.

“For stopping me.” Shining Armor let out a sigh. “I... I was blinded, you were right. Killing her wouldn’t have done anything to make me feel better.”

“Look, you’re doing great.” Shining looked up at him, clearly confused. “You’ve got the letting go down, all you need to do is - ”

“Begin again,” the stallion finished. “How? I’ve been suspended from service, Twilight keeps looking at me like she can’t believe it’s me, and Cadance...” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I... I honestly have no idea how she feels.”

“If this is issues with women, then I should let you know that I’m useless,” Thomas said, raising his hands defensively. “I’d rather walk into a Legion camp in my underwear singing Jingle Jangle Jingle than try to figure out just how women work.”

“Not even the fearless Courier can understand females?” Shining asked, his good mood returning momentarily. “What hope do we mere mortals have?” He laughed, though it didn’t last long. “Still... What am I going to do about Cadance?”

“I don’t know much about women, but I reckon you should give her some space. Don’t try and force anything, that never ends well,” Thomas said, sounding as though he had first-hand experience. “At the same time, don’t be too distant, and don’t push her away.”

“I thought you said you had no experience with mares?” the stallion asked as they entered the castle proper.

“Oh, I’ve got experience, only it’s always been... physical.” The man began to chuckle. “I’ve just realised, we’ve both slept with princesses.”

He was really depressed after that. I guess I would be, yeah, but...

Anyway, wasn’t long after that that I ran into Princess Luna. Well, technically, she tried to corner me.

“Ah, Thomas.”

Thomas looked up from what he was doing at the small table in his room and saw who had spoken to him. “Oh hello, Luna.”

“What are you doing?” she asked, looking over his shoulders.

“Putting this thing back together.” He gestured at the Transportalponder, one of the panels on the handle off to the side. Within the handle was a small fission battery. “The battery came loose. The whole time, all I had to do was re-attach it.” He chuckled. “At least I don’t need a new circuit board, that’d be a nightmare.”

“All it needed was a power supply?” Luna tilted her head, watching as he replaced the cover.

“Yeah. Let’s see if it works.” He flipped the trigger’s cover up and the glass tube filled with crackling electricity. “Hahaha, perfect.”

“So you will be leaving?” Luna asked, sounding a little downcast.

“Yeah, as crazy as it sounds, I miss Vegas.”

“Of course you would miss Vegas, is it not your home?”

“Well, yeah, but...” Thomas sighed and went over to the balcony, looking at the starry sky. “This place is so nice, so happy. Yes, you have the occasional fight, but every day in Freeside there are drug addicts killing each other, raiders attacking caravans, wild animal attacks...” He sighed. “Hell, I’m not even from the Mojave, it’s just where I live now. But, after I did so much for the place, I can’t just abandon it.”

“Your sense of duty is admirable, Courier,” Luna said, smiling slightly. “A shame that many of our guard do not have the same mindset.”

“Really?” Thomas asked, turning back. “Doesn’t seem that way.”

“How many soldiers, even the most diligent and well-trained, truly fight for anything other than their pay?” That made him think. So many of the troopers he had met in Vegas had said something along the lines of just wanting to get back home, to see their wives and children, or wanting to gamble more. The few who were in it for the Republic were some of the Rangers and officers, and even then he didn’t know if he was right. “To many, it’s little more than a job, one they take without thinking of the consequences.” She let out a sigh. “Makes it that much sadder when they fall in the line of duty.”

“I guess it would. Everyone I’ve travelled with had some sense of duty. Even if it was just to themselves, they had something to fight for.” Thomas sighed as well. “Well, maybe not Lily, but that was complicated. So complicated.”

“Speaking of complicated, Thomas,” Luna said, segueing to what she had come here to talk about, “what of us?”

“Us?” he asked, confused. “What do you mean by - ohhhh. That.” He checked his pockets and his holster.

“What are you doing?” the princess asked, completely perplexed by his behaviour.

“Making sure I have everything,” he answered, checking one of the inner pockets. “Don’t want to leave anything behind.”

“Leave anything be - what?” she squawked rather inelegantly. “But - but - ”

Thomas gripped the Transportalponder, flashed a smile at the princess and winked. “I must go now. My people need me.” With a flash of blue light, he disappeared, taking some of the balcony with him.

Luna gawked at the spot the man had just vacated. She opened and closed her mouth several words, trying to find words. Eventually, she settled on one.

The human expletive, bellowed by the Bringer of Night, was heard across all of Canterlot.

“Well, what do you think?” Thomas asked his audience, lone a ghoul.

The ghoul, wearing a strange combination of combat armour and T-45d power armour, stared at him blankly. “That was a fucking load of complete shit,” she (for it was indeed a she) answered as bluntly as humanly possible.

“So you don’t believe a word I said - ” the Courier began, only to be cut off by the ghoul.

“Of course I didn’t believe a word. Talking magical ponies and shapeshifters? Seriously, it’s like something from a pre-War kid’s show.” She pushed some of her scraggly red hair our of her face and smiled. “Not to say it was a bad story, but there is no way any of it happened.”

“I guess I can’t make you believe it.” Thomas reached into his duster, and pulled out a Transportalponder. It was different to the one used to travel to and from the Big Empty. The tube that contained the crackling energy was a vibrant green, and the trigger’s cover was a deep blue. Most prominent, though, was the crescent moon on the handle. “But I can show you,” he said, a glint in his eyes as he raised it.

Author’s Notes:

And yes, EPIC troll move by Thomas there.

This is the end. For now.

01

“I am going to fucking kill the Think Tank.”

Those were the first words out of my mouth when I realised I was not where I was meant to be. I was meant to end up in the Mojave Drive-in, not in some dank forest that looked as though it hadn’t been touched by the bombs.

My first thought was that I was somewhere in Zion. It certainly seemed green enough, but there weren’t even any signs of the national park that used to be there. Definitely wasn’t the Sierra Madre (thank god) or the Divide (thank god again). As if to make matters worse, my Pip-Boy 3000 couldn’t tell me where I was. Seeing that it uses old Pre-War satellites, not surprising.

At least I knew that death was not going to happen. A set of Elite Riot Gear, a silenced 12.7mm submachine gun, a marksman carbine, a Ranger Sequoia and a Displacer Glove. Some people might call that kind of weaponry and armour overkill. I call it being better safe than sorry, a lesson I learned the hard way. That thinking had been what kept me alive when I was helping the NCR win the Second Battle of Hoover Dam.

Suppose I’d better introduce myself, huh? I run the Lucky 38 casino in the New Vegas Strip. I wiped out the Fiends. I put down the Powder Gangers. I walked into Caesar’s tent and put two holes in his head as his entire elite guard watched. I beat the Monster of the East to death with his own helmet. A lot of people just call me The Courier, though, even after all this time. Legends die hard because, in the Mojave, that’s what I am to a lot of people. A living legend.

No map, no radio, no idea where the fuck I was. Great start to what seemed like what would be a good day. Should have known that was just first sign. And, as if to add insult to injury, I fell on top of the Transportalponder when I landed. So not only did I have no idea where I was, I had no way back. I wasn’t the sort to just sit around and wait for something to happen, though. The compass on my Pip-Boy still worked, so I headed north-west. Don’t know why, just felt like it.

Things went by uneventfully enough, which was both good and bad. Good because I wasn’t using ammo, and bad because my paranoia was at the highest level since shortly after I’d managed to escape the Sierra Madre. I had to keep a gun under my pillow for weeks after that just to get some sleep. Didn’t help when one night it went off and nearly put a hole in my head.

Eventually, I heard a roar. My first thought was that it was a Yao Guai. I hate those things. I also heard what seemed to be screaming. Whatever the thing was, it was attacking someone. As I had learnt before, the best way to make a good impression on a community was to save a member of it. So I headed in that direction.

At first I thought I’d ingested a cocktail of Psycho, Jet, Turbo and Hydra, then washed it down with some moonshine. After all, what I was seeing was easily the strangest thing I have ever seen. This coming from the man who has talked to a brain in a jar with a disturbing fascination with the human body.

It looked like a bright blue one-headed brahmin with wings and a rainbow on its head was trying to fight off what seemed to be the lovechild of a radscorpion, a cazador and a coyote? As if to make the whole situation even weirder, something that probably shouldn’t have been possible, the brahmin-thing seemed to be screaming, actually screaming, for help. If we could speak the same language, I’d be willing to bet my Pip-Boy it was actually saying ‘help’.

I’ll admit, I don’t always think things through before acting. That’s the main reason that crazy fuck Elijah managed to get me to the Sierra Madre in the first place. So I pulled my submachine gun off my back and lined up the shot. Not once did I think that this might not be the best idea I’ve had. Definitely up there with that time I woke up in the middle of Freeside in a dress. No I will not tell you what happened. What it did teach me was that Jet and absinthe do not mix well. It’s a miracle the King didn’t have me shot.

ANYWAY. I lined up the shot on the weird radscorpion-cazador-coyote thing, which I later found out was called something along the lines of ‘manticore’, and squeezed the trigger.

What a lot of people don’t know is that the 12.7 has a rather large kickback, powerful enough to send a weaker man onto his ass. By now, I knew how to compensate for it, but it still pushed you back a bit no matter what. I didn’t have an even footing, so I did fall over. Right into a patch of the strangest blue flowers I’ve ever seen. Turns out they were poisonous in some way, but being completely covered and wearing a filter as part of the helmet meant that nothing bad happened.

The manticore went down. Turns out I’d missed the head and only hit it in the torso. I still killed it, so no biggy. At the time, I regretted not using VATS, but at least I didn’t hit the brahmin thing. And then something in my brain started screaming at me, telling me that I did know the right word.

As I was picking myself up, it poked at the creature I had just killed with what was a hoof. It was weird seeing human expressions on what looked so much like an animal. I thought talking to the Think Tank (still need to kill them) was strange enough, but they were once human, so it wasn’t as bad. Then, just as I stood up and decided to get a better look at it, it screamed.

Turns out killing something was not the best way to go when it came to making a good impression. Never mind the fact that I had just saved it from becoming lunch to that thing. It looked around as it tried to figure out what (or who) had been responsible. Must’ve thought there was a ghost or invisible monster responsible. (I hate Nightkin. Especially the way they appear three feet in front of you with a freaking sledgehammer!)

That was about when I remembered what the proper word was. Horses! I remember seeing that word in the title of a book I gave to Papa Khan to motivate him to build a nation instead of just being another tribe. Then I noticed the thing looking straight at me with vivid red eyes. I had said that aloud. And it had heard me.

Fuck.

Rainbow stared at the strange thing, the pain in her wing forgotten. The way its eyes glowed a menacing red were, in a way, hypnotic. It looked like nothing she had ever seen before. It had the same basic body shape and posture of a Diamond Dog, but stood much straighter, making it seem taller. It appeared to be wearing a lot of clothing, most of it made of material she didn’t recognize. What was most frightening, though, was the thing it held. The strange box had spat out a number of... she didn’t know what, but it had torn through the chest of the manticore like it was paper. If it turned the thing to her...

All I could really do was stare. After all, the small winged horse seemed to be hyperventilating. Again, not really thinking, I slung my gun back onto my back and stepped closer. It stepped back. I didn’t want to hurt it. After all, I had just gone to the effort of saving its life. Maybe it thought I only saved it so I could kill it instead?

“I am not going to hurt you,” I said as loudly as the helmet would let me. Thinking back, wearing something that muffles your speech isn’t exactly the best idea. For good measure, I raised my hands, showing they were empty.

Rainbow blinked. The creature had just emitted a series of growls and groans that might have been speech. With its hands raised, it seemed as though it was... surrendering? But why? She had seen, first-hoof, just what it could do. Maybe... maybe it didn’t want to hurt her?

Before she could ponder any further, there was a loud roar to her left.

And that’s when another of those manticore things decided to show up. This one seemed thoroughly pissed off. Had I killed its baby? I don’t know and I don’t care, even now.

As it turned out, it was no bigger than the first one, though the tail did seem longer. I could tell it was going to attack. Wandering through the Mojave gives you a knack for that kind of thing. So, before it could even get near I managed to draw my Sequoia and fire off three shots. Two missed.

I felt like a complete idiot. After all, the ammunition for those things isn’t exactly ten rounds a cap. More like ten caps a round, if you’re lucky. The third shot, though, tore a nice big hole in its wing. Didn’t know it at the time, but I was using hollow-point rounds. What did this mean? It meant a hole the size of my head, a lot of blood and a very pissed off animal.

I thought Deathclaws were fast. Those things have nothing on these guys. With a Deathclaw, I’d be able to get a least another shot off before it would strike. I’d barely even raised the pistol when it smacked me with a paw. I must’ve flown a good ten feet before I hit the ground. Thank god for the kevlar on this thing, it would’ve ripped me open.

Now, you see, one does not simply hit the Courier. No, if you hit me, you can expect to get hit twice as hard. And that’s exactly what I did. It had pounced at me, thinking I was down. I had managed to ready my Displacer Glove. I planted the knuckle plate right in the middle of its face.

Rainbow watched in shock as the manticore went flying, an loud boom coming from the thing strapped to the creature’s arm. She watched as it picked itself up and charged, actually charged, at the manticore. She would have been terrified, but this was among the coolest things she had ever seen.

What came next made her jaw drop.

Now, you get the idea that I pummeled the crap out of that thing, right? Good, because that’s exactly what I did. No, I won’t go into the specifics. I punched it. A lot. What kind of detail do you need about that?

In my rush to kill the thing, I managed to completely forget that it had a scorpion’s tail. I’d expected my armor to stop it getting through, but I guess the fucking thing got lucky. Radscorpion poison isn’t the most pleasant thing, true, but whatever the manticore was packing made it feel like Med-X. Oh god did it burn! Being hit with a Flamer has nothing on that, I swear. It felt even worse than a Cazadore’s sting, and that is saying something.

I went down screaming. Don’t look at me like that, what else was I meant to do? Still, I managed to get one last hit on it before I collapsed from the sheer agony I was going through. Turns out that was enough to kill it. Thank god too, I did not fight at Hoover Dam to end up in the stomach of some animal!

Courier

SPECIAL

Strength: 8

Perception: 7

Endurance: 9

Charisma: 7

Intelligence: 8

Agility: 10

Luck: 6

Author's Notes:

This courier is based off my Level 50 Uber-Courier. Yes, you can get those SPECIAL stats. It ain't easy, and it requires a mod.

Don't expect this to update much. This was written on a whim, so updates will come on a whim.

18

That fight was the single most painful beating I have ever endured. Give me a gunfight any day. First time I’ve actually regretted getting that Monocyte Breeder implant. It heals ya, but it won’t stop the pain.

The combatants had all been taken to the medical bay. The ponies there were shocked at the level of damage the stallions had received. At first they thought they had tried to catch a hydra, but when told that the biped that came with them was responsible, one of them fainted. The rest looked at him with a mix of respect and fear. They left him alone, partly because he was tending to his own injuries, mainly because they were worried he might do the same to them.

The Courier moaned in pain as he pulled the glove off his left hand. Now he could see just what damage he had done to it, he realised that it didn’t look as bad as he had first thought. Not to say it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t to the extent where only a medical professional could help him. “Wish I still had Arcade around,” he muttered. He pressed carefully on a spot on his chest, wincing as he put too much pressure on the intense bruising around his fractured rib. “Or even Usanagi.”

“That was an incredible display,” Luna said, approaching the Courier. “It has been well over a thousand years since I have seen such ferocity in combat.”

“You’re welcome.” It took a moment for everything she had said to click. “Wait. A thousand years?”

The princess nodded. “Hmm.”

He sighed and shook his head. “That really shouldn’t surprise me.” He opened a small leather bag and pulled out a frightening number of syringes. He jabbed one into his left arm and went for another. “This whole world has been nothing but strange.”

“I could say the same of what you have told me of yours,” Luna commented. “There is nowhere on this world that even compares to the violence and depravity you have hinted at.”

“You know what the sad thing is?” he asked, taking another syringe. “New Vegas is pretty peaceful and safe, compared to other places. There are whole ruined cities that are deathtraps. Old military bases filled with enough weapons to arm a small town and defended by killer robots. Super Mutants, feral ghouls, deathclaws...” He sighed. “Small miracle that Vegas is still standing, the way I see it.”

Luna looked away, retreating into her thoughts. She had never before considered that such places or things could even exist beyond the imaginings of fanciful ponies craving adventure. To not only hear that these things existed, but from someone who had seen them with his own eyes...

“If you’d ordered those guards to kill me, they would’ve succeeded, you know that?”

“You very nearly killed two of my best,” Luna responded coldly. She had seen the twisted laughter in the Courier’s eyes as he had mercilessly given them beatings that would have almost certainly killed lesser ponies. “Do not jest about such things.”

“They weren’t trying to kill me,” he answered calmly. “With their magical healing, I was able to give them everything I had. I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes in a fight to the death.”

With that statement Luna’s anger quickly gave way to curiosity. “How are you so sure of that?”

“I just spent half an hour getting the absolute crap kicked out of me. I’m just a walking bruise at the moment. I know how they fight.” He gave a shrug and winced. “Ow. Knowing your limit is important in the Wastes. I’ve seen idiots with blunt knives try to tackle Nightstalkers.” He pressed a finger against his knee and gasped. “That might be broken. Me fighting your three guards under orders to kill, it’d be a lot different than fighting them when they’re being ordered to hold back. If they went full strength I’d be deader than the Enclave.” He grabbed another syringe, this one definitely thinner than the ones he had just used. The contents rushed into his body and a look of relief came over him. “Another one of those should do it,” he said to himself before turning back to the alicorn. “You should be proud of them. I’m a cybernetically enhanced, mutated killing machine with a killcount in the thousands, and I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

No I didn’t just say that to make her feel better. Honestly, those ponies were all pulling their punches. If they were being serious, I wouldn’t be here telling you about it. Even more so if she’d put one of those unicorns against me. Radiation poisoning is not a way I want to go, thank you very much. Or ghoulification. Er, no offense.

The Courier’s first night was spent in the medical bay, two beds pushed together to provide him with enough leg space. His knee hadn’t been broken, as a quick inspection of his Pip-Boy’s medical tab told him but he did know that, from the pain, running was out of the question for a few days. When he woke up, it was to the ungodly lovechild of a hangover, a mugging and a rape all mixed into one condensed package that made his entire body sing in a twisted symphony of pain. The Med-X had worn off in the night, but he wasn’t going to use any more, regardless of how tempting it was. “The last thing I need is to get addicted again,” he muttered, not moving from where he lay.

“Oh.” He rolled his head and saw a pony, he guessed it was a mare, wearing a nurse’s cap and holding a tray up in her magic. “Y-You’re awake.” The Courier, unable to understand a word she was saying, simply tilted his head in mild confusion. “I, um, brought you some food.” She carefully set the tray down and scampered away as soon the metal clinked on the floor.

The Courier blinked, not used to such treatment. He shrugged and decided not to worry about it. He picked up the tray and looked at what was on there. An apple, a strange orange-coloured orb the likes of which he had never seen and... grass? No, it was dried and brown, like tumbleweed or hay. He knew for a fact that he’d eaten far stranger things, but there were three things he would not eat: Cram, dog steak (coyote steak was fine for some reason) and grass.

Pushing the dried grass to the side, he started with the apple. It was crisp and fresh, completely unlike the ones he’d find in the Mojave, if only because it took a long time for trade caravans to get to Vegas from the farms in the NCR that grew them. It was so good that he ate it, core and all. He wasn’t one to waste food.

Next was the strange orange thing. It was the roughly the size of grenade, but almost perfectly spherical. He was tempted to just bite into it, like he had done with the apple, but something told him that he shouldn’t. He pressed his fingers into it and, by chance, pierced the outer skin.

And so it was Princess Celestia walked in to the sight of the Courier, half-clothed, sitting on his bed, staring at an orange as though it was liable to explode in his hands. It was so absurd that she was forced to stifle a laugh. “Good morning, Thomas.”

He turned to look at her and groaned in discomfort. “Good morning, princess,” he replied, rubbing his chest.

“I heard of your fight yesterday,” she said calmly, moving to the still-unmoving stallions. The Med-X had put the Courier so out of sorts he wouldn’t have noticed if someone had stolen his boots, so he was surprised to see that their faces were as perfect as they had been before the fight. “My sister told me that it was an amazing display.”

The pain was making things a little hard for the Courier, but even he could detect the tone the princess was using. “You’d rather I hadn’t,” he stated.

“From the reports I received this morning from the medical staff, Captain Thunder Strike is lucky to be alive. The scope of the injuries you inflicted on him were impressive, to say the least.”

“Please, get to the point,” Courier said as politely as he could manage. “It’s too early to dance around the subject like this.”

“Very well then,” Celestia said, turning slowly to properly face him. “If I find that you are responsible for the death of any of my subjects during your time here, I will not hesitate to punish you. I know that our magic can be fatal to you.”

To his credit, the Courier seemed completely unphased by her threats. “Been a while since I got a death threat,” he commented. “You won’t have to worry about anything like that, Celestia. I told you before, I only take lives if I have a good reason.”

“That is what I am worried about,” the alicorn sighed. “Too many times have I seen those with good intentions become twisted mockeries of their former selves, becoming the darkness they sought to destroy. Too often have I seen nothing but bad things come of the noblest of intentions. And too frequently have I seen those who declare themselves heroes become villains.” She looked at him, not in anger or indignation, but with sadness in her eyes. “Do not lose yourself in fighting evil, Courier, lest you become the evil you set out to destroy.”

He went silent, taking her words into consideration. “I made a promise to myself, a few months ago. The day I take an innocent life, the day I kill someone without just cause, that’s the day I put a bullet through my own skull.” The princess seemed relieved with his answer. “Now what the hell is this thing?” he asked, holding the orange up.

The sheer ridiculousness of the statement caught Celestia off-guard, and she burst out laughing.

Author’s Notes:

Yeah. It wasn’t so easy for him.

I don’t think they have oranges in the NCR. Seems like the sort of thing that would’ve gone extinct.

UPDATE SPREE!

29

I really wasn’t surprised. He seemed a bit too eager the whole time.

Shining Armor roared in pain as the armour-piercing 5.56mm round punched straight through his Knight armour, his left foreleg, and out the other side. He stumbled and tried to regain his footing. Shadow Dancer came and supported him, taking the weight off his injured leg. All the while, Chrysalis watched what was happening in shock.

“You monster,” the heavily-armoured stallion hissed.

“Really?” Thomas asked back, his rifle pointing at the ground. “You call me a monster after what you nearly did? That’s not what we’re here for.”

“No, that’s not what you’re here for,” came the angry reply. “What I’m here for...” he hissed ominously as he rose to his hooves, horn glowing, “is to kill her. And you won’t stop me.”

“Why?”

Shining Armor paused. “Why?” he asked incredulously. “The why isn’t important!”

“Everyone kills for a reason,” Thomas explained. “Orders. Money. Justice.” He paused for a moment. “Revenge.” Shining stayed silent. “That’s it, isn’t it?” the man asked, taking unsteady steps towards the injured stallion. “She did something, and you want to get her back.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Shining snarled. “She nearly killed my wife. She launched an attack on the capital. She used me.” He began to take quick, shallow breaths. “I was nothing more than food to her, and I never even realised! It took my sister to figure it out. And then she tried to kill her too!”

“I never wanted anyone dead!” Chrysalis interjected.

“Shut up!” Shining bellowed. “You will not speak!”

“So, murder,” the Courier said. “Do you really think it’ll make you feel better?”

“Not murder, revenge,” Shining corrected darkly.

“Revenge isn’t worth it.”

“What would you know about revenge?” the captain asked, his voice dripping with contempt.

“What do I know?” Thomas asked back, laughing. “What don’t I know? I walked across a fucking desert, killing everything that got in my way, just to track down the man who put two holes in my skull and had me buried alive. I know more than any living being should.” Shining seemed to try to take a step back. “The burning desire consumes you, takes everything you are and destroys it. And you don’t get it back. After I killed Benny, I realised I had nothing to do. The only reason I went to Vegas was to track him down. I had no purpose. I had no reason to live.”

“I have Cadance,” Shining Armor retaliated smugly.

“And do you think she’ll want anything to do with you after this? Do you think she can love a murderer?”

“My job,” Shining continued.

“You’ll get court-martialed. If you’re lucky, they’ll give you a blindfold before they execute you.”

“My family!” the stallion yelled, beginning to sound desperate.

“You’ll be lucky if the worst they do is disown you.” Thomas smirked under his helmet. “And there is no way Twilight would want anything to do with you after all this.”

“Don’t you dare talk about my sister,” Shining Armor hissed.

“This isn’t who you are,” Thomas continued calmly.

“You don’t know me.”

“True, but I know your type. Revenge isn’t the kind of thing men like you do.”

Without warning, the stallion sent a magical charge at Thomas. It smacked the man in the chest and knocked him onto the ground. “Is that all you do, talk?”

Instead of answering, he rolled onto all fours and fumbled with the straps of his helmet. He managed to pull off the rebreather just in time for him to begin coughing up blood. “Eight hundred and - ” he coughed up more blood “ - seventy five rads. Huh. I swear I was just over six hundred before,” Thomas said casually. He pushed himself up and stood, swaying as he tried to keep his balance. “One more blast like that and I’m gone.” He held his hands out and dropped his gun. “One more blast, and you’ll be no better than me.”

There was a tense silence. On Thomas’ face was a completely tranquil expression, one of a man who was staring down death and was fully prepared to let it take him. No-one knew just how long he stood there for, waiting for Shining Armor to strike him down.

It never happened. “No. No, I... I can’t. I can’t do it.” He fell to his knees, startling Shadow when he pushed her away. He yanked his helmet off with his magic and flung it across the room, where it clattered against the stone. “I refuse to sink to your level! You’re right, I do this, my family will disown me, my wife will leave me, they’ll strip me of my rank and position! I... I can’t believe I nearly...”

“My level?” Thomas asked, sounding unamused. “Really? That’s your reasoning? Never mind that you’d be committing cold-blooded murder?”

“What am I meant to do, though?” Shining asked, looking at Thomas with eyes full of tears. “How am I meant to live with myself?”

“Let go. Begin again.”

Shining gawked at him. “Let go? Let go? That’s your solution? Act as though it never happened?”

“No. Remember it, so you can learn, but don’t let it dominate you. Forgetting what happened is even worse than letting it control you. Trust me, I know,” the Courier said sadly. He heard shifting behind him, and noticed the green glow. In a swift movement he pulled the Magnum tucked into his pants out and pointed it at the Changeling queen. “Shining might not want to kill you anymore, but I can’t say the same for me. So stay the fuck down, turn off the magic and don’t say a word. Trust me, I will make you beg for me to end it,” he said, his voice twisting into a snarl the longer he spoke.

“So... that’s it? Let go of the hate and move on? That’s your secret?” Shining asked.

“More to it than that, but that’s a start.” Thomas lowered the revolver and put his hands on his knees. “Oh fuck,” he muttered as he took a few deep breaths. “Dunno how much longer I can stand.”

“Are you done?” Chrysalis asked, her voice loaded with contempt.

“I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut,” Thomas retorted as he turned. “And yes, we are. So, why?”

“What?” the Changeling queen asked in confusion.

“Why did you steal it?” he asked. “What possible reason could you have?”

“My child within the castle told me of your weapons, of the frightening power they possess. With one of those, we could hold a city hostage and feed,” she explained happily.

“Do you even know what the thing you stole does?” Thomas asked, trying and failing to hide a smirk.

“It was completely different in design. It had to be the most powerful,” the queen said.

“All right then,” he replied, doing his best to stop himself laughing. “Give it back,” he demanded, aiming the revolver at her.

“Give it back?” Chrysalis spat back. “Ha! Like I would - ” There was a bang and a pained scream.

“Five - well, four, now - of these shots are hollow-points. The sixth shot is a hand-loaded round that should punch right through you. The hollow-points won’t, but I’ll bet they’ll hurt like god knows what.” Thomas calmly pulled the hammer back and readied another round. “The thing is, I have no idea which is which. It could be the next shot, or I might have to go through them all. How lucky do you feel?” he taunted. “Hand it over.”

Chrysalis’ horn glowed as she summoned the device she had stolen from behind her throne. It hovered between them in the green light of her magic. As Thomas went to grab it, it moved and one end pointed at him. “This is for my children!” she screamed as she pulled the trigger.

Two seconds later, the Courier was on the ground. Laughing his guts out. “You...! Oh god, I can’t believe you actually thought... Bwahaha haha hahah ha!” Shining Armor and Shadow Dancer looked at him as though he had lost his mind.

“What!?” Chrysalis looked at the Transportalponder and shook it vigorously. “Why won’t it work!?” she screeched as she pointlessly pulled the trigger.

Eventually, Thomas managed to recover from his laughing fit. He coughed up a mouthful of blood before bringing himself up to his full height. He strode as best he could manage and grabbed the Transportalponder, ignoring the minor radiation spike. In the same instant, he twirled his Magnum so he was holding it by the barrel. He then swung it around, slamming the Changeling in the face with the solid wooden grip. “Thank you,” he said amiably as she lay sprawled on the ground, some of her fangs knocked loose.

After that, everything’s a bit... gone. No, honestly. Probably a side-effect of the radiation poisoning, for all I know. Or more likely that skull fracture. All I know is that I woke up in a warm, soft bed back in Canterlot with just under three hundred rads.

“What the fuck?” were the first words out of Thomas’ mouth when he opened his eyes. It didn’t take long for him to guess what happened. After close to five minutes of checking himself for any serious wounds or missing patches of skin, he exited the room he found himself in. Only to run straight into Celestia, Luna and Twilight.

“Ah, Thomas, you’re... awake...” the sun princess trailed off, her gaze going lower and lower. The other two followed suit. “Oh my.”

“How... How do you stand?” Twilight asked as she gawked, her face turning a brilliant shade of crimson. Her tail instinctively tucked between her legs.

“For fuck’s sake,” Thomas muttered as his hands moved to cover his crotch. He turned around and went back into the room. He emerged a moment later, the blanket taken from the bed and wrapped around him. “Better?”

“Much,” Celestia replied, glancing at her sister who had remained impassive the whole time. No wonder you were screaming, she muttered over the telepathic link.

You’re just jealous, Luna retorted. “How do you feel?” she asked him, looking him up and down.

“Better than I should be,” Thomas said, checking his Pip-Boy. “I was at a near-fatal level of rads, how am I not dead?” he asked.

“You have Twilight to thank for that,” Celestia said, nodding at her student. Whether the unicorn’s face was red from what she had just seen or the praise was unclear. “She remembered that you’ve treated yourself for something similar before, and managed to instruct us on how to help.”

“The doctors didn’t like not being able to use magic,” Twilight added. “They also detected a skull fracture, muscle tears and that horrible cut on your left hand.” Thomas glanced at the bandages wrapped around it. “Luckily, my brother and the other Knights were able to get you here before things became too serious.”

“Speaking of the captain,” Luna interjected, “he had a peculiar injury. A small hole in his leg, something made from a small metallic object travelling at high velocity. What’s worrying is that it went right through his armour.” The indigo alicorn fixed a hard stare on the naked man. “What did you do?”

“It was shoot him, or let him murder the Changeling queen.”

“What!?” Twilight yelled, unable to believe what he had said. “No, there’s no way my brother would do something like that,” she said with a nervous chuckle. “Right?” she asked, sounding unsure of herself.

Author’s Notes:

Some of you wanted to see Shiny hurt, I think this should do it.

Remember, Thomas is... quite well-endowed. He did make Luna scream, after all.