Space Holes Inturrupt The Cultist Milk Ritual
Hello, my name is Dan. I am a seventeen year-old guy who's mostly average in most ways. My parents sent me to a boarding school in America when I was thirteen, but before that I lived in England. I didn't have any close friends, but I was generally liked by everyone in and out of school. I have no interesting talents, but I do have a few minor accomplishments such as map reading, wildlife survival, tent building, hunting, hand-to-hand combat, fencing, ranged combat, master wood crafting, star reading, rock and tree climbing, swimming, cooking and high endurance.
Hopefully one day I will find my special talents.
One day, I was walking to the local shop to buy some milk to rub into my feet, when I fell into an inter-dimensional space hole. Here is my tale of what happened and what followed...
...It was a boiling summer day with no clouds in the sky. There was no wind, and it looked to be hot all week. My roommate Steve had eaten the last of my soap, so I was heading down to the shop to buy some more. I figured I should pick up some milk too, so I could rub it in between my toes and praise the dairy gods for getting us humans to collect cow breeding juice.
I was about a block away when suddenly a heard a sound similar to the sound of thunder. I looked down, only to see reality itself to tear open and reveal a purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness looming in front of me!
"Oh no!" I yelled, "A purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness looming in front of me!" I was about to stand there for a few more minutes and think of more things to yell, when suddenly I fell over for no apparent reason, straight into the purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness looming in front of me!
"Aaaagh!" I screamed, "someone help! I'm falling into a purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness which was previously looming in front of me!" Unfortunately for me there was no-one nearby to hear my cries for help, nor the thunderous sounds of the purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness which was previously looming in front of me.
As I fell through the purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness which was previously looming in front of me, my short and worthless life flashed before my eyes. I was panicking beyond belief, I didn't know what to do! After I fell for a few more minutes I started to get bored. I played some games with myself to try and pass the time.
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'P'" I said to myself.
"Hmm," thought the female Russian voice in my head, "is it a purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness which was previously looming in front of us but we are now falling through?"
"Damn!" I exclaimed, "right again ms. mysterious voice. How can you always tell?"
"Oh please Daniel, call me Mr. ms. mysterious voice. There is no need for you to be so formal with me. We have known each other for so long now."
"Oh, okay then Mr. ms. mysterious voice. So where do you think we're going in this purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness which was previously looming in front of us but we are now falling through?"
"I'm not sure..." She paused for a second before continuing, "But I have a feeling that the milk there will be exquisite, and that you should rub it in extra hard when you pray to me."
"Okay, I sure will!"
It was right around then when I finally came out of the inter-dimensional space hole. I fell about ten meters, broke both my shins, dislocated my left ankle, fractured my pelvis and was stabbed in the eye with a stick.
"Ouch!" I exclaimed, "it's a shame I don't have any milk to rub into my wounds right now, otherwise Mr. ms. mysterious voice could have healed me right up." I pulled the stick out of my eye, and felt the delicious liquids flow out.
Looking around, I could see that I wasn't on Earth any more. I had landed in some kind of forest, but everything looked like an animation and lacked the third dimension. I could hear something that sounded like a dinosaur on acid, but there was also a small chance of it being the sound of a giant flying bug creature.
Looking up, I could see it was the latter. A large black creature loomed above me. It had bug wings, glassy eyes and what looked like hooves, except they were holy. And not in the aliens claiming to be god kind of way.
"Hello Mr/Ms creepy bug thing," I called out, "my name is Dan. I just fell through a purple swirling vortex of doomness and blackness which was previously looming in front of me but I fell through and broke my legs. Can you produce milk?" The creature looked at me strangely.
"No, I can't produce milk. I'm a guy." He replied. I noticed he had a Mexican accent, and that he didn't have boobs.
"Aw, that's a shame." I said disappointingly, "Do you know how to fix broken legs? Because my legs are broken. I'm also in a lot of pain." He flew down to me and sniffed my bone marrow, which was leaking out onto the grass.
"Actually, yeah I do. I can use magic." He motioned to a horn on his forehead. "I know a spell which should fully heal you. My name's Chity by the way." His horn glowed green for a second, and then all my wounds were healed.
"Thanks Chity. Do you know where I could get some milk?" I asked, "I need to rub some into my feet and pray to the satanic voice in my head."
"I have a rough idea." He pointed to the left of him, "There's a farm a couple of miles that way. It mostly just has apple trees, but it has some cows too."
"Thanks Chity," I said happily getting to my feet. "Hey, do you want to join me on my quest to pray to the dark lord?"
"Sure why not." He shrugged, and landed next to me. "I didn't have anything interesting to do anyways. "
And so the two of us headed into the woods to milk a cow a pray to the dark lord which resided in my head.
TO BE CONTINUED. MAYBE.
