Two Tribes

by wille179

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Trixie, Spike
Length: 6134

Unicorns are just myths. Dragons are Extinct. The Solar Empress rules with an iron hoof. Welcome to the Equestria of two pony tribes. This is the story of Twilight Sparkle, mythical unicorn and mercenary for hire.

Everypony knows that there are only two tribes of pony: Pegasus ponies and Earth ponies. Everypony knows that Empress Celestia is a perfect fusion between the two and that only she can push the sun and the moon. Everypony knows that dragons are extinct; the honorable Knights of the Empress have slain them all.

After their parents abandoned them, raising Twilight, Trixie, and Spike in the slums of Manehattan is not the best life Shining Armor could have wished for. After all, you tend to be treated as freaks when three of your family can move things with their minds and your adopted nephew is a supposedly-extinct, fire-breathing, pony eating monster.

Still, working for the Orange family crime syndicate as "dirty hooves" has its perks. They get protection, food, shelter, and some spending money. So what if they have to rob banks or assassinate pegasus nobles every now and again?

Additional tags: Battle Magic, Alcohol, Internal Magic, Mature!Familiar!Spike, Thief!Trixie, Mercenary!BattleMage!Twilight, Assassin!Shining Armor.

Published 2013-11-30 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-03 19:10:20 UTC

Chapter 1

The hooded mare raced down the alley way as fast has her hooves would carry her. Behind her, over a dozen armed pegasi and earth ponies remained in hot pursuit. Cries of “Stop, thief!” and “I’m going to gut that bitch!” assaulted the mare’s ears; she paid them no heed. Hidden by her hood, the strange horn-like protrusion on her head began glowing with an ethereal pink aura.

Her pursuers, however, saw something vastly different. The night sky turned a deep shade of crimson while their prey seemed to fade from view. The walls of the alley way grew taller and more sinister. The ponies could no longer see or hear the road at the alley’s end. Even the very ground they stood upon no longer seemed stable. Panic started to overcome the mob. A few of the more cowardly souls turned to make a “tactical retreat,” but found their path to be blocked by what appeared to be red glass, glass that most definitely was not there a second ago.

On the opposite side of the barrier, there stood a different mare. Her white coat was marred with countless scars. One of her eyes was solid black, the other a murderous crimson. Her mane and tail burned like fire; even across the barrier, the nearest ponies in the mob could feel the heat radiating off of her. A red glow enveloped her horn. Nearby, a flaming sword, enveloped in the same red aura, hovered in mid-air.

“IT’S THE DEMON OF MANEHATTAN!” one brown coated stallion screamed. At his outburst, the mob panicked, retreating in the opposite direction. Said “demon” calmly followed them, passing harmlessly through her own barrier. Screams burst from the crowd as they fled for their lives down the illusion-warped alley.

Of course, their flight was short lived. The pegasi who had tried to flee upwards found that the glass wall was actually a dome, one that was steadily shrinking and pushing them towards the ground. The earth ponies who had started running found their path blocked by a tremendous figure, nearly nine times the size of the Empress herself. The scales, claws, and teeth could only mean one thing: dragon. “Th-Tha-That’s imposible!” the same brown coated stallion cried; dragons were supposed to be extinct!

The very-much alive dragon pounced, claws extended and fire flowing. His burning unicorn companion lunged at the same time; her flaming sword cleaved off the head of one stallion while she dashed towards another. The “demon’s” white-hot hoof flash boiled the skin off the face she had punched, killing the stallion instantly. In a matter of seconds, fourteen souls had joined the ranks of the dead.

Observing their work, the flaming unicorn extinguished her mane. Purple strands replaced orange flames and her white coat darkened to a pleasant shade of lavender. The mare’s one red eye faded and became purple as well, but the solid black artificial eye remained unchanged.

The dragon, however, wasted no time observing the carnage. Heads were severed from corpses and packaged into a box. The corpses themselves found their way down his gullet. A breath of green flame burned away the remaining blood and excrement, from where their victims had soiled themselves.

It was then that the illusion obscuring the alleyway broke, revealing the hooded blue mare. “I always hate watching you work, Twilight. You and Spike always have the creepiest smiles while you commit mindless slaughter.”

“You’re welcome to stay home with Shining Armor, Trixie,” Twilight said.

“And not keep the Knights of the Empress off your flanks? No thanks. The Great and Powerful Trixie loves using her illusions to screw with the minds of lesser ponies,” Trixie retorted. Twilight only gave a huff of annoyance, then picked up her sword and the box of severed heads and stowed both within her pocket space.

“If you two ladies are finished,” Spike said, “we need to be heading back. Aunt Orange is expecting your delivery, Trixie, and I want to cash in the bounties on this lot’s heads.” The dragon focused on his internal magic and began to shrink himself down. When he reached nearly a quarter of his former size, Twilight cast an illusion on the dragon to make him appear as a rather large minotaur. Though he could not cast the spell on his own, Spike was more than skilled enough to seize control of the spell and sustain it with his own magic supply. A moment later, both unicorns had hidden their horns within an illusion. Two earth pony mares and a minotaur walked out of an ordinary alley.

“Fourteen armed stallions and not a single scratch? And you did it without alerting a single Knight? I’m impressed,” the mare affectionately known as “Aunt Orange” said. Nopony knew what her real name was, although she really was the head of the Orange earth pony clan. The crime syndicate that she ran controlled the entire city of Manehattan and several of the surrounding villages. Nothing went on within her territory that she did not know about. The Mayor, city council, and police force were all her puppets. The only thing she did not control were the Knights of the Empress. Recruited, trained in and dispatched from the Equestrian capitol of Trotlantis, the Knights were considered “incorruptible” by organized crime.

Twilight, her older brother Shining Armor, her adopted sister Trixie, and Twilight's adopted son Spike had all worked for the syndicate from a very young age. Officially, their job titles were “Private Defense Contractor,” “Janitor,” “Secretary of Materials and Relocation,” and Secretary of Accounting, respectively. In other words, Twilight was a mercenary, Shining Armor was an assassin, and Trixie was a master thief. Spike was the only one whose title was literal; who better to trust to guard and invest your money than a dragon, even one as young as Spike? Collectively, the quartet was known as the “dirty hooves” of the Orange Family.

“Spike,” Aunt Orange addressed the young drake, “the collective bounty for those heads is fifteen thousand bits. Miss Trixie is to receive ten thousand for the stolen goods. You know what to do.”
The dragon gave a polite bow. “Yes, ma’am,” he said in his deep, rumbling voice before using his flame to carry himself to the underground vaults.

“Now, Twilight, in four month’s time, my nieces and nephew are hosting a family reunion in Ponyville for the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration. Since this is a literal family reunion and not a business meeting, it should be a simple affair. Still, Apples and Oranges are not on the best of terms right now. I would like you to accompany my husband and I so that I might… show you off, so to speak. Your family is invited, of course,” said Aunt Orange.

Twilight nodded. “Yes, ma’am. I won’t be taking any contracts for that time.”

“Relax, my dear. There’s no need to be so stiff around me when we are alone. Oh, do keep your street fighting to a minimum. I know you love practicing your skills, but I don’t want you too bruised when you visit cousin Applejack.” Aunt Orange gave a light chuckle. “You know how strong that mare’s hugs are.”

The unicorn mare returned the chuckle. “She’s both an Apple and an Orange. If her body is half as strong as my mind, as I suspect it is, she’ll pop me like a Grape,” Twilight said. Aunt Orange did not miss the insult to the rival Grape clan. “It’s been ages since I last saw her. Come to think of it, wasn’t she blank the last time I saw her?”

“Tee hee hee, you are right, of course. I hope your son doesn’t mind cleaning up grape jelly. You are the right color for it, too. Has it really been that long since you to have seen each other? The years blur together,” Aunt Orange said with a sigh. Handing Twilight an envelope, Aunt Orange spoke, “Anyway, this is your next contract. Some of my associates wish for a bodyguard to escort their trade caravan to Trotlantis. Since their merchandise is less than legal, they wish to cut through Whitetail Woods and Everfree in order to avoid the main roads. They want your standard bandit and monster protection. The Caravan will not be stopping in Ponyville. Understood?”

Twilight saluted her boss and mentor figure. “Crystal, ma’am.”
“Good. The envelope also contains your brother’s next hit and your sister’s next target. I’ll award both of them a bonus if they can do it with extra flair. Dismissed.”

“Fourteen armed stallions and not a single scratch? And you did it without alerting a single Knight? I’d expect nothing less from my cute little sister and her awesome son,” Shining Armor said. He rubbed his lavender sister’s head, then took a drink of his hard cider.

“Yep. It’s funny, Auntie said the same thing when I told her.” Twilight knocked back a shot of salt whisky. “Ah, thash teh good shtuff,” the mare slurred. To her left, Spike chugged his vodka as only a dragon could. Considering that he looked like a minotaur at the time, the feat was quite shocking to the bartender.

Said bartender, a skinny pegasus mare named Hops, was silently preying to the Empress that she wouldn’t have to deal with a violent or lusty and hyper-drunk minotaur. Of course, considering that the mare next to him just claimed to have murdered fourteen armed stallions with the help of her son and had not gotten a single scratch, Hops was not too keen to be standing anywhere in the bar at this time. The fact that the purple mare’s brother seemed to be encouraging that sort of monstrous behavior left Hops nearly in a panic. Her shift could not end fast enough.

Author's Note

*Ding* Have a new story!

This is slightly A.U. In this world, until Shining Armor was born, there were no such things as unicorns. Magic was completely internal (Pegasus/Earth pony magic). The ruling caste is the pegasi. Celestia and Luna are physical gods that take the form of Earth-Pegasus hybrids (normal body minus the horn). Instead of raising the sun/moon with magic, they push the celestial bodies like pegasi push clouds. Since unicorn culture was not the defining influence when the government of Equestria was created, the country takes after the ancient Roman/Greek methods of ruling instead of the feudal European system (I think) it had. Hence the coastal city of Trotlantis (Atlantis) instead of the mountain city of Canterlot (Camelot). The royal sisters are Empresses instead of Princesses. Knight of the Empress = Royal Guard. The Wonderbolts are the elite Knights and the most honored profession in Equestria.

Also, most characters will be canon in terms of personality and appearance, except where it has to deviate because of the changes I have made. Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and the unborn Pumpkin Cake are now an Earth ponies. All other canon!unicorns are now Earth Ponies. I'm also going to say that Rainbow Dash is already a Knight-in-training, but dreams of working her way up to Wonderbolt status.

Also, Shining Armor is 27, Twilight is 25, Trixie is 24, and Spike is 18. Since Twilight hatched his egg, Spike imprinted on her and sees her as "mother." However, Twilight views Spike as somewhere between "son," "brother," and "best friend."

Chapter 2

The scene in apartment 7D, had any sane pony been forced into it, would have been described as nightmarish. Well, they would describe it that way if they looked closely. The furniture was covered in burns and claw marks. The drawers were filled with unknown medical instruments. Medical and martial arts books lined the shelves. The spice cabinet had some really toxic herbs that most definitely would not go on your friend's salad. Yet, if you ignored those details, apartment 7D looked just like any other in the run-down complex. Family photos decorated the walls while knick-knacks and oddly-valuable art pieces decorated everything else.

Upon entering 7D, a pony would see two of the apartment's residents performing the most evil of all sins: triple-checking a checklist.

"Swords?"

"Check."

"Knives?"

"Check."

"Poisons?"

"Check."

"Rations?"

"Check."

"Armor?"

"Che- Wait," Spike blinked, then looked up from the checklist in his claws. "Twilight, you don't wear armor. It melts right off."

The unicorn chuckled. "Gotcha, Spike. Anyway, did I pack my books? I can't forget those. Oh, and my spell journal and medical textbook, too."

Setting the requested items in the pile, Spike said, "Check, check, check! That's everything! Now, go knock some heads!"

Twilight levitated her supplies and stowed them away in her pocket space. She made to turn towards the apartment door, but paused as she was struck by an after-thought. Glancing over at her good friend and adopted son, the mare cleared her throat. “Spike, please keep the Great and Powerful annoyance out of my room while I’m gone, will you? I don’t want the thief taking any of my stuff, or, Celestia forbid, the notes on any of my incomplete battle spells. We don’t want another incident again, do we?”

Spike paled. “No, no, I’ll keep her out,” he hurriedly said, waving his claws around for emphasis. “Although, I think that monster cat deserved it…” Spike trailed off, lost in his wishful thinking. “Hey, you think Shining Armor could kill that thing? I bet it wouldn’t be hard for him.”

Twilight snorted in amusement as she walked towards the door. “He’s tried. Repeatedly. Lost every time, too. How do you think he got all those scars as an assassin when he is never on the front lines? That cat is the only hit Shining has ever failed, to the point where my brother has started calling Tora his ‘Eternal Rival,’ or some such nonsense.”

Suddenly, there was a muffled crash and a thud. The entire apartment complex seemed to shake. A muffled cry from apartment 6D, directly below, said, “NO, TORA! BAD KITTY! COME BACK! MUMMY JUST WANTS TO GIVE YOU A HUG!” A simultaneous shiver went down the spines of both occupants of 7D. One shared glance between pony and dragon said a thousand words.

“Well, it’s not like I was in any hurry to leave,” Twilight deadpanned. “I guess I can wait until the beast calms down.”

“You know,” Spike mused, “I almost pity that cat, living with someone like Mrs. Fig. Almost.”

The city of Manehatten functions under an interesting dynamic. For one thing, both the government and police force were under the control of the Orange family. Close to four decades of careful policy control and bribery had caused crime to collect near the south end of the city, while the wealthier citizens had moved north. Extra police patrols in the north and reduced patrols in the south had almost guaranteed that the scum of the city was relegated to one end.

The south end could be further divided into three sections: the industrial center, the gang territories, and no-pony’s land, affectionately known as the Abyss. In the Abyss, if there are not at least four murders a week, then the gangs are preparing for war, in which case, the next week will see at least twenty murders.

In the heart of Abyss territory stands Silver Tower apartments, which is decidedly not silver. The Silver Tower’s claim-to-fame is that it holds the record for cheapest apartments in Manehatten. Of course, to anypony in the know, the Silver Tower is the home to the “Demon of Manehatten,” Twilight Sparkle. In fact, the grey, dilapidated apartment complex had been her home for the past nineteen years, ever since her brother had gotten enough of a job to get them off the streets.

However, since only four of the tower’s residents knew that Twilight held that title, most of the denizens feared another above all else: Tora the Cat. When Tora was lose, nopony left the building.

So, an hour after she had planned to leave, Twilight Sparkle worked up the courage to leave apartment 7D. Treading carefully to avoid loose floorboards, she made her way down the hall. The mare paused for a moment to look down through a hole and observe the floor below. Six bodies were strewn across the hall. Two were passed out, drunk, but alive. Three may-or-may-not be playing dead to avoid the cat’s wrath. The last body, however, was obviously dead. No living thing could survive that much blood loss. ‘Poor guy. He couldn’t wait until Tora was calm,’ Twilight though. Shaking her head, Twilight resumed her trek to the poorly lit stairwell.

Drawing her weapon out from her pocket space, Twilight strapped the sheathed sword to her back. It would not be proper for a mare to be seen in the slums without her trusty weapon. There were more than enough creeps on the street to warrant being armed; it was not like the police would actually do anything down here.

Twilight, under the illusion of being an earth pony, trotted down the sidewalk. Every few minutes or so, she would have to step down onto the street to avoid stepping on some sleeping hobo or passed-out salt-licker. One such drug abuser was not quite that intoxicated and grabbed Twilight’s hoof as she passed. “Hey there, pretty thing,” the pegasus cooed, “ya like swords? How’s about you come with me and help me polish mine?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively as he took a step closer to Twilight.

“Tempting, but how about this,” Twilight replied. “You, back off or I shove my sword in your flank. Then I’ll cut off both of your heads. Got it?”

“Ohh, feisty. I like it,” the stoned stallion said. Ignoring her advice, the pegasus stepped forwards again. “Come on, mud pony, let me show you what a pegasus can do. I’ll-“

Whatever the racist stallion was about to say was cut off as he let out a scream of agony. Twilight’s sword was embedded up to the hilt in the pony’s ass, just as promised. She grabbed the weapon with her hoof and pulled while simultaneously reapplying the illusion over her horn; said illusion had broken with Twilight’s impulsive use of telekinesis to assault the stallion.

Continuing with her promise, the unicorn kicked the wounded pony over, cleaved off his family jewels, and then removed his head from his shoulders. Never let it be said that Twilight Sparkle was not a mare of her word.

Twilight gave her weapon a flick. The enchantments on it used the iron in the blood to repair the slight wear on the blade while the rest of the blood just slid right off. Re-sheathing her blade, the unicorn continued on her way. Thanks to this distraction, Twilight was now even later for her meeting with her client. Aunt Orange would scold her for being so unprofessional. The unicorn gave a slight nod to the officer in the alley across the street before turning the corner. She did not fear being arrested even with the cop witnessing her murder; the Manehatten police were that corrupt.

“You’re late.” Silk Road, a mint green mare, looked down upon Twilight. Being half a head taller helped the pegasus in that regard. Twilight could easily see the annoyance painted on her employer’s face.

“I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. You see, there was this cat and-“

“Save it. I don’t want to hear your excuses,” Silk Road interrupted. “Twilight Sparkle. You are not what I expected. When I paid Aunt Orange for protection, I expected a team of burly stallions, preferably pegasi. Instead, I get a lone earth pony mare that’s shorter than I am.” Turning back to the wagons that are being loaded up, Silk Road started walking away. “You better be worth my fucking money.”

Twilight huffed in annoyance. Channeling her inner Trixie, Twilight thought, ‘So, she’s not impressed? I can fix that.’ Dropping the illusion obscuring her horn and scars, Twilight drew her sword, spun Silk Road around using her telekinesis, and promptly set herself on fire. “I assure you, ma’am, I am enough.”

“WHAT IN THE FIRES OF TARTARUS ARE YOU?” Silk Road screeched. Reflexively, she jumped into the air and back-flapped away. Standing in front of here was a pony strait out of Manehatten urban legend. Any pony who had been in Manehatten for more than a week had heard of the Demon’s exploits. Hearing is one thing, but to actually be confronted with the scarred form of the local equivalent of the boogie mare was another matter entirely.

“The Demon of Manehatten, at your service,” Twilight said smoothly. At that moment, Twilight decided that scaring ponies was almost as fun as inventing new spells.

Author's Note

*Ding* Have a chapter.
Anyone watch Naruto? I definitely drew some inspiration from there for this chapter. For instance, Tora and Mrs. Fig:

Twilight's Sword also repairs like Kubikiribōchō.

So, this is a little bit of Twilight's back-story and some world-building. I think there would be a little bit of friction between the two tribes. As for Twilight, she cannot maintain her horn covering illusion while casting magic. I cannot have her being too good, now can I?

For this story, I think that the main plot line will focus entirely on Twilight, with an occasional omake/one-shot for Trixie, Spike, and Shining Armor. Oh, and Tora will be back.

Twilight's client, Silk Road, is named after the black market website in the deep web. I've heard that you can buy drugs and hire hit-men on that site.

Chapter 3 & TATGPT Episode 1

Silk Road’s trade caravan was an unusual sight in Equestria. Normally, goods would be traded via the rail lines or by waterway. However, both ways have inspection points where the goods are searched for contraband; since the entirety of Silk Road’s merchandise was illegal, neither method was valid. Therefore, the goods were loaded into a dozen wagons that could be pulled by earth ponies and lifted by pegasi. Six additional wagons carried food and camping supplies for the seventy-five pony team. Traveling by main road is not an option either, because a caravan of their size would attract too much attention, be it from bandits or Knights. Since a vast majority of the Knights of the Empress are pegasi, there was only one established route that connected Manehatten to Trotlantis while. Silk Road explained the route to Twilight.

“First the caravan will proceed west out of Manehatten, passing through the forests just north of Hollow Shades. Beyond there, the caravan will be out of Orange Family territory. After a night’s rest, the caravan will split into six groups of three wagons, two merchandise wagons and one supply wagon, and twelve ponies. Starting at the six o’clock sunrise, one team will leave on the hour every hour. This is to reduce the caravan’s visibility to fliers overhead. The hard run to the caverns of the great peak should take approximately five-and-a-half hours, meaning that the last team should be arriving near sundown.

“After a night in the caverns, the caravan will emerge from the southern exit and march for a day through Rambling Rock Ridge, then turn west and camp at the eastern end of the Everfree forest. Come sunrise on the fourth day, the caravan will march on a hidden trail past the ruins of the Castle of the Pony Sisters, then between Everfree Forest and Foggy Bottom Bog to set up camp at the western end of the forest.

“The fifth day will again see the caravan split up for an uncovered stretch. While the physical distance of this stretch is not the longest, it is by far the most dangerous in terms of being discovered. The grassy hills between the Everfree Forest and White Tail Woods are in the geographic center of the area between Cloudsdale, Ponyville, Los Pegasus, and Trotlantis. The amount of traffic is very high, and proportionally, so is the chance of being caught.

“The sixth day is an easy stroll through White Tail Woods. There shouldn’t be any bandits or wild beasts. We set up camp at the northwestern corner, at the base of Smokey Mountain. At this point, the merchandise will be offloaded and smuggled into the city over the course of two days. Once everything is inside, it is everypony for themselves. Each wagon team will leave at a separate time and head in a separate direction. At this point, your job is done and you will get your pay. Is this understood, Twilight Sparkle?”

Twilight looked down at the map, mentally drawing out the route.

Confirming that she knew the plan, she rolled up and passed the map back to Silk Road. “Good, now go get ready. We leave in twenty minutes.”

The trip from Manehatten to Ponyville would have only taken one and a half days by train. Silk Road expected her seventy-five pony team to cross 60% of that distance on hoof in two days. Worse, she expected it done on unpaved roads, no less. Theoretically, it was doable, but the feat would be a hectic dash even at the supposed “easy pace” Silk Road wanted to set.

However, looking at Silk Road’s caravan crew, there was not a single out-of-shape pony in sight. Even Silk Road herself, as well as the other non-pulling crewmembers, was in excellent physical condition.

Twilight herself was no slacker. Having long since known the mental and physical benefits of exercise, mainly that it helped her beat up other ponies easier, Twilight had a vigorous exercise routine. Still, her self-improvement routine tended to focus on power over endurance. Twilight worried that week of consecutive stretches of hard travel and late nights would impair her ability to guard the caravan. Nevertheless, she would persevere.

A voice snapped Twilight out of her musing. “You ready, missy?” The stallion who had addressed her was a pale grey pegasus with a silvery mane.

“Yes, sir,” Twilight replied.

“Ah, no ‘sir’ for me. I’m not important enough for that. Call me Nails,” the stallion said, extending his hoof. Twilight extended hers and they shook.

“I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

“Mercenary girl? I’d say you don’t look like much, but I saw that little display earlier. The fuck did you do?”

Twilight grinned savagely. “Magic.”

Nails snorted and rolls his eyes. “Magic, she says. Girl, magic doesn’t work that way.”

Suddenly, Nails found himself enveloped in a purple aura. The world around him started to grow, or rather, he started to shrink. When he was about six inches tall, Twilight bent down over him and looked the tiny stallion in the eye. “My magic works the way I say it works. I’m a freak in that regard, and I love it.”

“Change me back already!” Nails cried in an extremely high-pitched voice. A second later, he found himself restored to his full height, a good three inches taller than the mare in front of him.

“If you need more proof,” Twilight said, “I could always dangle you over the campfire. What do you say?”

“No, no, missy, I’m good. I’m good.”

“Thought so.”

At 9:30 AM, the caravan set off for the west coast city of Trotlantis. Twilight noticed that only two out of every four pony team was actually pulling their cart. The other two stood on the front while wearing harnesses similar to the pulling pair.
Twilight picked up her pace and moved alongside Nails. Yelling out to be heard over the thunder of hooves and wheels, she asked the pegasus, “What’s with the ponies that are just standing on the carts? I thought Silk Road doesn’t tolerate dead weight.”

Nails snorted. “No, missy, you got that right. They are the spares. See the wooden mechanism near where the harnesses meet the wagon? When the runner tires out, those are flipped out by the spare and hang a few inches above the ground, just to the side of the runner. He can then jump on it to clear a space for the spare, who then jumps down and hits the ground galloping. The first runner can then climb back up into the cart and retract the platform. My brother, Gizmo, designed the system. Our team is the only cart pullers in the world that can switch to a fresh set of hooves without even slowing down,” he said smugly.

“Impressive.” Twilight thought for a moment while the rumble of hooves fading into the background. “Wouldn’t that take a lot of coordination? To hit the ground at galloping speeds and not stumble would surely be quite difficult.”

“It is, missy, but we’re the best,” Nails said, his chest puffed out in pride.

“I’d have to agree,” Nails’ pulling partner said. “We do a run a month. It’s good money and all it takes is a little blood, sweat, and tears. I never was much of a thinker. Oh, where are my manners, the name’s Bandwagon. Those two up there,” Bandwagon gestured up to silent pair of stallions riding on the cart, “are the Patchwork Twins. Duct is the dark-grey one and Tape is the light grey one.” They nodded their greeting to Twilight. “You’ll never see one without the other.”

Twilight’s stomach growled as she ran. The caravan had entered the unnamed forests surrounding the village of Hollow Shades over an hour ago, yet Silk Road had made no move to call a halt for lunch. By this point, Twilight was getting rather grouchy. Four hours of running had made its dent in the mare’s energy reserves. It was at this point that a call came out from Nails. Turning her head to see why he had called out, Twilight saw the platforms being pushed out for Nails and Bandwagon. Within ten seconds, the Patchwork Twins had taken their place.

Looking back, Twilight saw other teams doing the same thing. Stumbling on a small rock, the unicorn resumed her focus back on the trail ahead. “You alright, missy?” Nails called out.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Twilight replied. “Are we going to be stopping to eat anytime soon?”

“Nope,” Bandwagon answered before Nails could. “Get us some grub, Nails.” The Pegasus hovered over to the supply wagon and began to fish for something in the boxes onboard. The earth pony gestured to a step on the side of the wagon. “Climb up. We eat on the run.”

Instead of climbing up like suggested, Twilight flashed her horn. With a pop, Twilight vanished from her spot on the trail and reappeared in the cart. She smirked at the slack-jawed earth pony, who seemed to be at a loss for words.
Nails returned with a hoof-full of what looked to be wrapped sandwiches. Chuckling, he said, “Further proof of why I don’t want to mess with you. Tell me, how do you fight a swordsmare who can get behind you in the blink of an eye? Sandwich?” he asked, offering one that he had retrieved a moment ago.

“No thanks.” Reaching her hoof into her pocket space, she drew out a hoof-full of carrots and began munching. Between bites, she said, “You have to know an anti-teleportation spell. Since my brother and sister are the only two other ponies in the world who can do that, that doesn’t help you much. I personally would suggest dropping your weapon and surrendering, unless of course I’ve been paid to kill you. Then your best bet is to run, hide, and pray to the Empress that I don’t find you.”

Bandwagon shuddered. Nails, however, asked, “I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you?”

“I don’t know, some sort of deformed earth pony? We never did figure out what we are,” Twilight said.

The cart jerked, knocking around the occupants of the cart. A quick apology from tape drifted across the passenger’s ears. “So, that horn…” Bandwagon said before trailing off.

“I don’t know why I have it. I do know that I have to file it down every few weeks; it grows almost as fast as my mane. Shining Armor, my brother, grew his back after his broke off.”

“Your brother has it, too?” Nails asked.

“And my sister, Trixie, too. Strangely, she’s not related to us by blood. Our horns act something like an ear and a set of lungs and vocal cords. Well, not exactly. You see, I can sense magic with my horn, similarly to how your ears hear sound. Then I can make my own magic well up as I ‘sing’ my will onto the world. Of course, it’s much more complicated than that and everything I do takes energy.” Twilight paused to eat more of her carrots.

“Of the three of us, I’m the jack-of-all, master-of-none. I can do any spell I’ve sensed even once, can create a new spell after only a few hours of work, and have the largest magic reserve any of us has ever observed in any pony. I would suspect that the Empress is stronger, but that is beside the point. However, I’m a slower caster and more inefficient than my siblings.

“My brother can be best described with the words ‘no pain.’ He can kill you instantly from as far away as he can see you. Yet at the same time, his magic is very defensive. Shiny has the strongest shield and can re-attach a limb in ten minutes.”

Bandwagon spluttered, bits of sandwich flying from his muzzle. “Reattach limbs? No way.”

“Yep. Mind you, that was his own leg. Healing others takes far longer and far more energy. We’re not sure why.” Twilight rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Anyway, then there is Trixie. While she is magically the weakest of us, she is still exceptionally dangerous. She can hijack all five normal senses and make you experience anything she can imagine. Should she want to, Trixie can read minds. She hasn’t done so in a long time and won’t explain why. The only part of the story I ever got out of her was ‘linguini.’”

“I’d imagine that’s quite a tale, missy,” Nails replied.

“I’m sure it is.”

The Adventures of the Great and Powerful Trixie!
Episode 1: Why Danger Signs Must Never Be Ignored.

Trixie was curious. Whatever this object was, whatever it did, her client wanted it really badly. And judging by the location, this object must be insanely valuable. After all, this was Fort Klops, the home of the most secure vault in pony history. At least, it was for anypony besides Trixie.
Opening the first vault door with a quick application of telekinesis on the locks, she paused when she saw a second vault door. Double checking that her illusions were in place, she walked up to read the sign by the door handle.

DANGER! KEEP OUT!
STORAGE FOR ARTIFACTS FROM THE DISCORDIAN ERA!

’The Discordian era? Then these artifacts are over a thousand years old!’ Trixie thought. As her horn worked the locks, the blue mare’s heart filled with greed. Upon opening the door, Trixie looked inside, saw the object, and ran away screaming and empty-hooved.

It took two minutes and sixteen seconds from when the thief opened the vault door to when the guards had fought through the nightmarish illusions and reached the vault door. However, the sight they encountered within the vault was far more horrifying than any of the waking nightmares before. The vault was empty.

“OH, CELESTIA! THE TWILICANE HAS ESCAPED!”

And so Equestria fell to the onslaught of over-used memes.

Author's Note

*Ding* Have a chapter and a Great and Powerful Omake. I plan on doing shorts for all of Twilight's family. Maybe even one per chapter. Expect a "Spike the Noble Dragon Lord" and a "Shining's Log Entry" episode soon.

This chapter felt way to heavy in terms of exposition, so I decided that I needed some comedy at the end for a good laugh. This is me poking fun at the Twilicane meme.

One more thing that I will hint at, Twilight, Shiny, and Trixie don't have their canon cutie marks. Different childhood = different talents = different mark. They will still be similar to their old cutie marks.

In case you couldn't see the map of their route above, you can click it again, here. This is the canon map of Equestria. My Equestria has two differences: (1) Canterlot doesn't exist, and (2) Trotlantis is on the west coast where the X is.

This is one of the longest chapters I have written. I personally like reading longer chapters but writing shorter ones. I've had complaints that my chapters are not long enough, so this is my attempt to correct that. Enjoy!