“Pinkamena Diane Pie,” a voice called out from seemingly nowhere, yet coming from everywhere.
The mare hopped up from where she had been sleeping. “Oo, oo! I've never heard your voice before! We can be the bestest of best friends!” She paused in her excitement to look around at windowless, doorless room she found herself in. “Where are you? We can't be the bestest of best friends if we can't hug or hoof bump or dance and sing together.”
“Please wait a moment while our diagnostics run.” Part of one of the walls flickered to life as a screen, showing an identical picture of the pink pony.
“Okie dokie lokie,” she smiled, staring at the wall. “Hey, that's me!” She leaned forward to inspect the information. “You do know that I go by Pinkie, not Pinkamena, right?”
“Diagnostics complete,” the disembodied voice announced. “Pinkamena Diane Pie is now registered as a class five pony.”
“Whee!” the pink pony launched herself into the air, but paused momentarily on her descent. “That's good...right?” she asked, before crashing back to the ground a moment later.
“Congratulations,” the voice droned on as if nothing had happened. “Pinkamena Diane Pie has been abducted into the Historical Society.”
“Yi...yip...pie...” Pinkie moaned from the heap she had made on the floor.
“Database updated.” The screen that had a picture of Pinkie flickered to show a map of a town. “You are now assigned to protect Ponyville.”
“Cool!” the pink mare was back on her hooves quickly. “From what?”
Part of one of the walls slid up, revealing a room on the other side. “Forget not, fortune favors foolish fillies.”
“Hold on hold on hold on.” The pink mare tried her best to put on a serious face. “You didn't tell me what Ponyville needs protection from.” Only silence answered her, the opening in the room beckoning her forward. She sighed, trotting out of the room.
Walking out of the room, Pinkie Pie was met with the sight of a pony at a reception desk. “Oh, hello.” She smiled as she trotted over to the desk. “Are you my newest bestest best friend I was talking to in the other room?”
“No. Name?” The gray stallion asked.
“What? Of course I have a name. What sort of pony doesn't have a name?”
The stallion lifted an eyebrow questioningly.
“You don't have a name? Oh that's so terrible. Do you want me to give you a name? We could call you Oatmeal. Did I just say Oatmeal. That wouldn't do at all. Are you crazy? We could call-”
“Ma'am, I have a name. It's Stark Contrast. I was asking for your name.”
“Oh, doi! Of course you were. Aren't I just a silly pony, thinking that you didn't have a name. I mean, really, what kind of parent doesn't name their kid. A terrible kind of parent, I tell ya. Why in fact-”
“Ahem.”
The pink pony stopped in her activities, realizing she had been holding the receptionist up. “Oh. Right, my name is Pinkamena Diane Pie, but all my friends call me Pinkie.” She finished with a big smile.
Stark Contrast glared at her for a moment before looking down to manipulate the computer sitting in front of him. “Alright, Pinkamena. It looks like you've been assigned to Ponyville. That means you will probably want to take the Ponyville Express, as otherwise the trek would take about a week and a half.”
“About that.” The pink mare leaned forward. “What exactly does Ponyville need defending from? The voice didn't say.”
“Hold on a second.” The gray pony said, manipulating the computer again. “As a new abductee, you don't have the clearance to know that.”
“What!? How am I supposed to do something I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing?”
The stallion could only shrug in response. “Make really good judgment calls? Be well equipped for anything that can come your way? Speaking of which,” he pointed at another door at the far end of the room, “if you go in there, Scale Tooth will set you up with equipment and funds to get you out to Ponyville.”
“Okie dokie lokie,” the pink mare said with a smile, walking around the desk towards the indicated door.
“And Pinkamena,” the stallion let through a smile as she passed, “remember that fortune favors foolish fillies.”
“Hello?” Pinkie Pie called out as she entered the room filled with saddlebags and various instruments and tools, but no visible ponies.
“Hello.” Pinkie Pie responded, stepping out from an aisle that split the room into thirds.
The pink mare took a step back. “Hey...you're me. But if you're me, how can I be me?”
“Quite the conundrum, isn't it?” The other mare said, giving a mischievous smile. “Maybe this will help.” A green flame wrapped around the pink pony, revealing a chitinous pony with fangs.
“Cool! Are you a priest?” Pinkie Pie said as she hopped up to look at the pony opposite her.
“I-huh? Why would you think that?”
“Because your legs are holey! Hee hee!” The mare shouted, collapsing to the floor in a pile of giggles.
The changeling stared at her in shock for a moment, then started chuckling with her. “I have honestly never heard that one. Most ponies are too nervous to joke around with me.” He offered a hoof to pick her up off the floor. “You must be a new abductee, yes? Let's see if we can't figure out what you're cleared for. What's your name?”
“It's Pinkamena Diane Pie, but I'd prefer my friends call me Pinkie.”
The chitinous pony walked over to a desk, manipulating the computer on it. “Alright, Pinkie, it says here you're a...that's odd...the diagnostics must have messed up.”
Pinkie adopted the same look of worry as the changeling at what he said. “What's wrong? Did I get mutated? Am I going to turn into some giant fire breathing chicken?”
“No, no. Nothing that serious. Just a diagnostics error.” The pony adjusted the screen so Pinkie could see it. “The system ranked you with a power of class five.”
“Yeah, I didn't know what that means, and mister voice wouldn't tell me if it was good or bad.”
The changeling let loose another chuckle. “Supposing it's true, it's pretty good. There are seven power classes, with seven being the highest.” She looked the pink mare up and down. “For example, I'm a three.”
“So I could take you in a fight?” Pinkie asked, hopping on her hind legs and fake jabbing with her fore hooves a couple of times before falling back down onto all four.
“Well, it's not a game of numbers, Pinkie. Though, maybe. I've never learned any combat magic.” She shook her head. “But it's more a measure of magic potential. Everyone has it, the thing that seems so off is your number.”
“Why?” Pinkie inquired. “I thought you said it was good.”
“Well yes. Being a five would indicate that you are practically a fountain of energy and magic.” She stopped momentarily, reaching behind the desk to grab a device. “But as you move up the tier you find that the number that share that potential is significantly lower. That, and the fact that finding a four outside of Celestia's realm is nearly impossible means that the equipment malfunctioning is more likely than you being a five.” The changeling held the device up to Pinkie Pie with some magic, letting it hover in between the two until it beeped. “Well, I'll be dipped.”
“So, what was it?” The pink pony leaned forward in anticipation. “Was the voice wrong?”
“Not strictly speaking. You're still a five, if just barely.”
“Does that mean I'm not as rare as you were lead to believe?”
“Rarer, actually.” She spun the meter around, showing that the needle was almost touching the region labeled six. “Almost impossible, really. Bordering on reality warping. If you were a unicorn, Celestia and Cadance may have gone to full out war to add you to their ranks. Even a pegasus would warrant serious study and investigation.” She looked back at the monitor that showed Pinkie's information. “Still not quite right though. Information says you grew up on a farm. Someone should have caught this by now.”
“Why would anyone look? You just said only pegasi and unicorns needed looking into.”
“Well, yes. But earth ponies grow food, for the most part. Channeling that much magic into making fruits and vegetables would start to crystallize them, however. If you spent any amount of time working any fields, the produce would be inedible to all but the most vicious of dragons.”
“Oo! Oo!” Pinkie started waving one of her forehooves. “I know the answer to this one.”
The chitinous pony raised an eyebrow in response.
“My family works a rock farm, near the border. We cater to the Gleamscale clan.” She tried her best to adopt a knowledgeable look. “No one would think to ask why a filly was crystallizing food that shouldn't be crystallized if she were crystallizing crystals for picky crystal eating dragons.”
“Good to know. We might have to start doing more tests in the border towns.” She smiled, motioning for Pinkie to follow her. “Let's see what gear we can set you up with. By the way, my name's Scale Tooth, munitions expert of Fillydelphia.”
The two mares continued talking as they made their way further into the equipment room.
“Sorry I couldn't give you better stuff suited towards you.” Scale Tooth apologized as she finished filling up Pinkie's saddlebag. “Most abductees are changelings or unicorns, so most of the equipment is made for them. Course, with a rating as high as yours, you just might figure out how to make it work anyways.”
“Thanks, Scaly.” Pinkie smiled, testing the heft of the bag. “Don't know if I'm going to need all of this, though. I don't really know what I'll even be able to do in a ghost town like Ponyville.”
“A ghost town would imply that it was deserted, but Ponyville is actually still inhabited. In fact, let me check.” The changeling trotted over to the computer, pulling up information on the frontier town. “According to the last information made available to us, the Apple Family still live in the town proper, and are the primary reason the frontier lands have remained neutral to all the nations. That makes two mares, two stallions, and a filly.”
“Alright. Who else?”
“Well, there's the Candy's, making two more mares and a filly, the Cake's, giving a stallion and a mare, and then there's the town blacksmith, Fluttershy, making the only pegasus in town.”
“Is that it?” The pink mare asked, bouncing up behind Scale Tooth.
“In the town proper? Yes.” She pulled up another entry. “But there are two ponies living in the Everfree Forest. Zecora and Rarity. They do regular dealings with the town, but aren't officially citizens, so have never shown up on any census. That means we don't know gender or species, much less actual place of residence or family members.”
“Well, I guess I'll have to find out.”
“Not really. The Historical Society isn't sending you to gather information, just to keep the town safe.”
“Okay, but finding out means more friends for me.”
“You're a trip, Pinkie.” Bumping Pinkie Pie, the changeling turned around, and levitated a small bag into the saddlebag. “Those are your start up funds. That should get you out to Ponyville, and allow you to buy a place to set yourself up.”
“With so few ponies living in town, will there be a place to buy.”
“You could say it's a ghost town in that respect.” Scale Tooth replied. “The town used to have a couple hundred ponies living in it. It was the go to destination in the frontier lands before Apploosa was founded. Most of the townsfolk frustrated with the Apple's neutrality stance, including other Apple Family members migrated there, or to one of the nations border cities. In fact, you probably recognize the name of Cheerilee. She became dean of Colton College about a year ago.”
“I have no idea.” The pink pony beamed brightly. “Aren't I supposed to be leaving on a train soon.”
“Indeed, you are. Give me a moment, and I'll escort you to the station myself.” Her horn glowed, a green flame wrapped around her, it's diminishing revealing a pony who looked a lot like Pinkie, but with a golden mane and blue fur, a pair of berries appearing on her flank. “Call me Merry Berry while we're out.”
“Okie dokie lokie.” The pink pony smiled, following the newly blue pony out of the room they had met in, briefly walking by Stark Contrast on their way out.
“I'm escorting the new abductee to the train station.”
The stallion nodded as they passed.
“So, I've got a question.” Pinkie Pie stated as the pair walked through the city streets.
“Might have an answer for you.” The blue pony replied cheerily.
Pinkie blinked for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. “Why do you keep calling me an abductee?”
Merry Berry smiled, turning a corner. She sat down in an alley, indicating her pink companion do the same. “It's sort of an inside joke about the laws. Any pony living in these lands is obligated to join any secret society that requests, especially if you already belong to a contradictory secret society. Most refer to it as The Kidnapping Rule, but at the Historical Society, we like to call it Discord's Little Joke.”
“So...you kidnapped me?”
“Well, yes, but that's hardly the best way of putting it. Think of it as rather...someone signed you up for a lifetime subscription to every magazine in the library and you just received the bill.” The blue mare chuckled at her analogy. Then she stood up and left the alley. “Now, come along. We don't want to to be late for the train.”
“When does it leave?”
“I have no idea.” Merry Berry gave a smile similar to Pinkie's. “The train never runs on time, unless it'd be inconvenient.”
“Well, why don't we want to be late if we don't know when it's running?”
“Cause that'd be when it's inconvenient. Now, come along.”
Pinkie walked along beside Merry, a thoughtful look on her face. They walked along together in silence as they approached the train station.
“Something on your mind? I wasn't under the impression you were ever this quiet without reason.”
The pink mare gave a big smile, looking up at her companion. “Just wondering. Why'd you abduct me? Why would you want me?”
“You're special.” Merry smiled. “I mean, you're especially special, but we didn't know that until we got the readings in. No, there's something about abductees. They don't quite fit in. Don't fit the mold.”
Pinkie Pie looked back at her flank. “You wouldn't know it by looking. Can't imagine what would make a blank flank special.”
“You'd be surprised. Well, let's not dawdle. You've a long ride ahead of you and we haven't even gotten you a ticket.”
“Okie dokie.” Pinkie went back to beaming. “Pondering was no fun anyways.”
Author's Note
So, that's Pinkie, on her way to Ponyville.
