Surprise: No pun Intended.

by Pyro Storm

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Dark
Length: 4607

Do know how it feels, to be doing something you hate, mentally and in the heart, yet your body loves the sensation? Like, when someone dumps cola all over you, the tingly sensation feels pretty good, but the fact that your coat is now all sticky, wel

Do know how it feels, to be doing something you hate, mentally and in the heart, yet your body loves the sensation? Like, when someone dumps cola all over you, the tingly sensation feels pretty good, but the fact that your coat is now all sticky, well then…

Then you hate it.

That was happening to me, these glorious, almost painfully wonderful sensations, but the hatred spreading through my body was like a fire, I hated it, I hated who was doing it to me, in short, I hated it.

Heh, seems a bit silly when I actually write it down, but… I need to tell someone, I told Twilight and her friends, but that was an edited version, they couldn't handle the unabridged version… But you all seem made of tougher stuff, I bet you can handle it.

So I'll write it down, you guys can pick on me for my writing style and my spelling errors, and I can find a proofreader willing to read and edit the shit I went through. How's that sound?

Suprise: No Pun Intended, is a book not suitable for those of younger years, nor those with weak stomaches or minds, I don't want to send you into a breakdown, this is rated mature for sex and gore not because it's supposed to be a sexy guru fetish book, but because this is going to be filled with gruesome deaths, and forced sex scenes, you have been warned, I'm also advising that you don't read this book. It's not a very good book…

(((New cover art by me.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-01 18:34:32 UTC

Chapter- Oh nevermind!

I don't need a chapter name, do I? So no chapter names, just... I dunno, no chapter names.

Anyway, I'm Surprise Pie, as you probably guessed from the name I chose for this... Book. I live in Ponyville, living in Ponyville, there is, uh, a creature, of the strangest of origins, monster, that's what he is! Hate him, ah, my granddaughter, she lives here in Ponyville, with me, well... With the Cakes, but still, I am around, oh, forty years old, but, ah, I still appear to be around, oh, twenty. God, I sound so damn Mary sue! This, ah! This is not what I wish to convey at all! Dammit.

I'm just here, to tell, a story. So that everyone may hear it. For the world to examine, and criticize.

How about I start from somewhere a bit... Better, than introducing myself? I might be able to write that better, instead of sounding like a moronic lifeless Mary Sue. Yeah, good idea, me.

Okay, I used to live in a small town, I... Don't remember the name, but I remember most of the details, there were about two hundred of us in this portion of our little town, there was a larger portion, usually considered a separate town though, I guess the, smaller, town was a bit jealous. None of my friends lived in my portion of town, the smaller one, that is, I met them whilst visiting a relative, they were very nice, so yeah, after that I flew over as often as possible, every Tuesday and Friday, eventually.

Let's see... There were three mares and three stallions in our little group, Golden Bell, Butterflys, and I were the mares, the stallions were Borealis, Apple Grass, and Dusky Pages, it was Friday when it happened, out little group gathered together, chatting, and laughing, playing. When it started to rain, now, the weather wasn't controlled, back than, like it is now, we didn't have that kind of ability, us pegasi, so the weather was random. Golden immediately offered to let me stay through the rain, back then, it could last for days, and flying, or even walking in it could be very precarious, so my parents wouldn't be worried about me, considering I was with my friends, it was a nice thought, but we decided to see if we could tell whether or not the rain would last very long.

My first thought was whether I simply lost it, or if I was hallucinating, so I asked my friends, I remember the words fairly clearly.

"Uh, guys? Is that normal?"

The rain was not the bluish tinted clear-ish color it would normally be, and here is that supposedly dramatic moment... It was brown. Like chocolate milk brown.

"Am I hallucinating?"

I think they replied something along the lines of, "If you're hallucinating, we are too." It was funny at the time, so I giggled, I didn't giggle much after that, when I did laugh, it was mostly hysterical. Eh, I still sound Mary Sue. Anyway, I wandered out side, cautiously, it wasn't normal rain, so it seemed alright, to me, but, ah, I was a bit... Crazy, if you know what I mean.

I tried to catch the rain on my tongue, and found it was, indeed, chocolate milk. I called my friends outside, and we walked towards the main part of town, oh, right, we always met up in this big run down mansion, which we worked on cleaning up. The mansion sat in a large park, a good walk from the main square. Walking through part of the town, we saw nothing, all the houses were shut, the windows closed, it was very quiet... Frighteningly so.

We looked at our surroundings, closely, to try, and spot, anypony, anypony at all... but we saw nopony, then a voice called out, from behind us...

"Hello, little ponies."

We all did the thing most ponies do when startled, we start, a half jump as well as a half turn, and then scatter, sprinting in different directions, able to tell exactly which way each other was going, and avoiding that path, a saving instinct, it makes it harder for predators to catch us, because, you now, we all went in different directions! Confusing predators. The voice from before laughed, and I noticed I was headed straight for it, ponies do that sometimes, when we are frightened and we startle, head towards the danger, rather than away from it, I stopped moving.

And looked up, I forever regret not turning and sprinting another way, after I looked up, I couldn't move, for fright.

Above me, like a tower, was a strange creature, he had a lion's paw, and eagle claw, a goat leg, and a lizard leg, a dragon tail, a bat's wing, a Pegasus wing, and a head like that of a pony, he had a single fang, and two antlers, one like a deer, the other like a goat, or something else, perhaps. His eyes were that of a madpony, they were red, with golden whites, and no pupil. Ponies first startle, and run, but if they fright again, they freeze, as though hoping they won't be seen.

I did just that when I ended up in front of him, I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything, all I could do; was stand there, and hope he would not see me. He saw me.

"Well! What have we here?~" He asked, a little sing song in his voice.

"Uh-um..." I was unable to say anything.

"Well speak up!" He cried, "I don't have all day, you know."

He waved his paw around, "Do you like it? A signature trick of mine." He pointed out the pink clouds, "That, is cotton candy."

I managed to say something, "Um, it tastes good?"

His grin seemed about to split his face in two, it frightened me all the more.

"My chaos wouldn't be the same without it!" He conjured a paper bag by snapping his claw, he began munching on chocolate milk, yes, munching, not drinking, like popcorn. I believe it was shaped that way as well.

"Hey!" That was Borealis, thinking I was in trouble, the big lout. "Over here!" He was trying to get the creatures attention, so that I could run, stupid stupid stupid... I'm getting off track, sorry. Technically, I wasn't in trouble, yet, just frightened. And I suppose I can stop calling him, 'the creature?' You've all watched the show, so you probably know that I'm talking about Discord, the moronic idiot who decided to flip the world around and wear it as a hat.

The- oops, Discord, heh, turned, and eyed Borealis with distaste, "Interesting, most of you scream and run, you're yelling at me to look at you."

I yelled at Borealis, "I'm fine! Get out of here!" I then ran as fast as possible in the opposite direction of Borealis.

I'm not sure what happened after that... It's just a fast blur, but I remember leaving the ground, and being suspended, then being moved so I was face to face Borealis. I was being gripped by something furry, I literally only remember the texture... I suppose it was Discord's paw, Borealis was suspended by a glittery gold magic, and then, both of us were flung out, tossed, I managed to spread my wings in time, but not Borealis, he plummeted to the ground in a flurry of frightened limbs, I tried to catch him... I did, really. But pegasi aren't made to carry loads heavier than themselves, so I was unable to keep us from slamming into the ground, I landed on top of him, and I immediately jumped off him. Concern, my only emotion.

"Are you alright?!" Pony instinct, check their partner, then themselves, after a quick  glance I seemed alright, but he groaned.

"No, why don't you kiss it better?" he asked, teasing, that was something about our little group, Butterflys isn’t the kind of pony for getting married, so the teasing was started by Golden, who decided I and Borealis were perfect for one another, anyway, I snorted, and turned around, just to see Golden Bell ram into Discord's leg, let's see if I can piece it together properly...

Golden seemed to run as fast as she possibly could, faster than I thought possible from her, into Discord's leg, he half turned, and smacked her hard, she flew across the road, slamming into a metal fence, this all happened in about... Three seconds, I had no time to stop it, I wish I could have stopped her, flown and caught her, saved her, and Dusky, from the crushing horror that happened next, her body was pierced by the fence post, she didn't just hit it! And she jerked wildly, her piercing scream broke through my trance.

I called out her name, a shot of horror, pain, and despair racking through my heart, my hooves pounded the ground as I ran towards her, rivers of blood were pouring down her side, her upper half and lower half laying limp, she was still screaming, her eyes held a blank horror.

...

It's... Hard to remember these things, and it all happened so fast... It hurts. a lot... I'm sorry, let's get through this part as fast as possible.

Tears were starting to fall down my face, I was hiccuping as well, I flew over the fence, wings flapping erratically, and I grabbed her under the shoulders, and pulled, she slipped up the post some, but it hurt too much for her, and she cried out for me to stop, so I did, landing on the ground, my eyes lodged on her stomach, a sickening realization coming over me, Golden had been pregnant, her and Dusky were going to get married, and she was with foal. I- I'm ashamed to say I promptly vomited.

"Weak stomach?" It was teasing, he was teasing me, it sent a burn through my body, a spark, and anger, a hate. Hate is a hard thing for ponies to feel, we are specifically built to reject hatred, 'Princess' Celestia has a special guard, only ponies who have felt hatred are allowed to be in it, in short, they are her master assassins, as well as her special guard, willing to do literally anything for her.

"I hate you." I spoke words promising vengeance, and pain, and misery.

He held his... hands, I guess, nothing else to call 'em, except 'paw and claw.' really, up in mock defense, and he 'tutted', "Now then! Those are some strong words, don't you think?"

"Shut up."

In our group, we have the couple, Golden and Dusky, twenty-four and twenty-seven, respectively, I'm nineteen, the youngest, Borealis is twenty, as is Butterflys, with Apple being twenty-two, a nice age range, old (Dusky) to young, (Me).

Discord continued speaking, despite my protest, "So beautiful! Wish I could paint, so I could capture this moment forever, which wall might I have put it on? Perhaps the east wall, on the outside, so the sun can look upon her every morning!"

I made a hissing sound with my teeth, "Monster, she was pregnant you know."

He stopped making noises entirely, he even seemed to stop breathing, within view was Dusky, curled in a ball, shivering and whimpering, as though begging the world, the universe, whatever Godly being may be up there, for what he just saw to not be real, it was all wrong, it didn't happen, right? Of course it didn't, he was going to get up and Golden would be standing there, alive.

He spoke, then, a soft, quiet word, full of regret, "Oh..."

I continued to watch her body, watch her breaths steady, her eyes, so full of life, slowly draining, I stared into her eyes, she had stopped screaming, at some point, she just watched me...

Her eyes were... Blue, blue as the sky...

I'm getting off track...

I don't remember how long I sat there, watching her eyes fade, and the golden sparkle of her mane turn dull, and coppery.

But I eventually felt a hoof rest on my shoulder, and a gentle voice break through the ache.

"Surprise, we should get somewhere safe, before he comes back." Borealis, he spoke gently, is a somewhat reassuring voice, but I wouldn't move, I just sat there, not budging.

Sighing, he pulled me onto his back, and began walking to the old mansion.

A hissed word, now, we can't literally hiss, but I mean a low, harsh words pushed between gritted teeth, try it, sounds kinda hissy, 'hissing' would be just breath pushed through gritted teeth.

"We can't leave her!" Dusky spoke through his teeth, as mentioned earlier.

"We have too, I need to get Surprise somewhere safe, then we can come back and get her." Borealis sounded dull, half asleep.

Dusky growled. "And?! we're just going to leave her where that monster can get to her?"

"She's dead Dusky! We need to take care of the living first."

"When did you become-"

"Both of you shut up." I muttered harshly.

They stopped talking, and I slid off Borealis' back.

We continued to walk towards the mansion.

I think I asked where the others were, because Borealis answered, "The mansion."

Nothing much happened after that...

We stayed in the mansion for and hour or so, then we buried Golden...

She was the only one to get a proper burial, the others...

Not so much.

More word yay

Hello, terribly sorry for the delay, I got a bit emotional the other day, andsomeone kept knocking on my front door, so I had to keep getting up to go see who it was, and then I would usually slam the door. I got so used to it I accidentally slammed it in my friend Rarity's face, poor thing, frightened the hell outta her. He-he. Eh, I should be sorry, but I'm not, it was so very funny.

Yeah... I'll get back to the story, we had just returned to the mansion, right?

Borealis had been right, Butterflys and Apple were both at the mansion, and they looked like they had seen a five headed monster zombie hydra ghost, basically, very, very, frightened.

Borealis was the one that got us moving, surprisingly (Ignore it.), and got us working, while he and Dusky went back and... Got her. We buried her, as previously mentioned, and we all kinda stood around, I was frightened for my family, so I broke the silence at long last, and insisted that I go to check on them, now, my entire family but me and my grandmother has peanut allergy's, really severe too, I... Truthfully, I just wanted to see them, alive and breathing, but I was also scared that at least something in my house had turned into peanuts, or... orsomething peanut-y.

Bet you can see it now, the entire ground turned into sludgy peanut butter, unable to escape... Nope.

The houses and other structures had all been turned into peanut brittle, which was pretty much baked and hardened peanut butter, back then, the towns ponies I passed looked worried, and there was a small crowd gathered near my house, and they tried to keep me from going in... a part of me wishes I hadn't gone into the house, but... It was worth it, in the end, seeing my family once more, if only for a few minutes with them.

Back then, we didn't have any medications to keep a pony from dieing from allergy’s like this, so... Yeah.

Inside my parents had move next to each other, and they weren't breathing, they were somewhat bloated, as was my brother, only five years old, never getting to experience love, heartache, the joy of children, any of that, he was still alive when I got there, he had been placed on my parents, who weren't able to get him out of the house in time, apparently. My brother had a soft white mane, not like snow, but more like... A swan, his coat was a soft baby blue, and his eyes were a lovely purple, dark amethyst.

He was crying, and he held his forelegs out to me, asking to be held, I walked to him and picked him up, and just held him to me, keeping him in the house may have seemed a bad idea, but even in modern times, nowadays, that is, if I had left that house immediately, and got him to a hospital in five minutes, he still wouldn't have made it.

He stopped crying, when I held him to me, his breathing slowing peacefully, he was content to simply be in his sisters grip, safe, I had started shushing and rubbing is back.

"Shh shh... It's okay, I'm here now, you're safe now, you'll be okay, you'rejust fine..."

And other words of comfort, more for me than him, I was crying just as much as him, he was the world to me, my bread and butter, I suppose you could say, so I rocked hi, back and forth, holding him tightly, as his body’s aversion to peanuts constricted his breathing, and then entirely blocked it.

His heart stopped about six or seven minutes after I got there.

A burn, a rage, came over me then, the world faded in an out of my mind, hatred, something ponys have a hard time handling, flowed over me, hatred for this chaos, this horror, this monster who stole my brother, my mother, my father, dead, all dead, Golden Bell, gone, torn horribly, her unborn child gone as well, Dusky as good as dead, my whole world flung upside down and topsy turvy.

My only thought was to destroy him, the world spinning and tainted with red, a determination came over me then, to do everything in my power to destroy him, kill him, turnhim world upside down, twist until it was unrecognizable, shake it like a snow globe, shatter it like glass, break him.

Get my revenge.

Humans, pitiable creatures, you seek to destroy one another, you rape, you murder, you abuse, even so, a few of you break from this horror to rise above them all, become greater than that horror, make a little island safe from the terror, and a few of you lock yourselves away, refusing to believe the horror on all sides. Your world is full of war, and chaos, how can you not be extinct? You kill one another in masses because one of you is dark skinned, and the other pale skinned, because one of you is called a 'Jew', and the other an Englishman, or German, or some other type of human, why do you do this? You don't see white unicorns destroying black unicorns, do you? You don't see pegasi destroying earth ponies.

You humans could learn something from us equestrians.

Discord... He's reformed, yes, but I still don't trust him, I'm friends with Rarity, and I go to the spa with her and Fluttershy, before that we have tea at a cafe, Fluttershy makes Discord go with her for the tea, if not for the spa, the awkward silence between him and me is kind of...  Amusing, after the fact.

Hah... I have a story to finish, stop getting me off track.

I buried them, gave them proper graves with headstones, that sort of thing.

I went back to my friends, and told them what I was going to do, Dusky instantly told me he was going, and I was cool with that, his bride-to-be was just murdered in front of him, of course he can come, I did not want the others to go too, but Butterflys and Apple insisted, and I couldn't argue with Borealis.

So we all left to track him down.

-------------

On my insistence, we stuck to trees, and other hidden paths as capable, I feared he was floating overhead, hiding, ready to strike, stalking after me, hiding using his clouds of candy and chocolate rain, ready to steal down, and snag me or one of my friends, rend me into pieces.

I don't know if this was true or not, but I felt safer that way, even if he wasn't stalking me, I ought to ask him, I'm not sure how he'd respond to such a line of questioning, considering that now he is highly regretful of everything he did to me, I... As much as I hate him, I would rathernot make him upset.

An upset Discord is NOT a good thing, as you can imagine, and if you can't, you'll get something of the sort later on in this tale, though... It mostly depends on whatkind of upset he is.

We walked on and on and on, eventually, after crossing plains and desert, and more plains, a forest appeared in the distance, as we walked through its depths, the sun moved down, idly wiggling across the sky, and the sky grew dark, only a few hours after we entered the forest. I sent Apple with Butterflys to gather wood, while I and Borealis set up a shelter with Dusky's magical help, the silence was deafening, but I preferred the quiet to talk.

And Butterflys crashed through the bushes next to me, it scared the hell out of me too, she was babbling incoherently, and Borealis grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her roughly, insisting she tell us what was wrong, I'm pretty sure he just frightened her more, but it worked, gotta admit it worked...

"Apple- Apple needs! help! Woods- That way! Hur-ry!" She hiccuped on the last word, tearing up, and she pointed a wobbly hoof in the direction of Apple. You can probably guess that our death count is two now, huh?

We left Butterflys in her state of shock, and ran the direction she indicated, and we found him, grunting, strung up in a noose, Borealis and I flew up and attempted lifting him, but, uh. Do you know how much a full grown earth pony stallion that works on a farm weighs...? Even with Borealis' help, that was not a capable feat.

And Dusky was trying to cut the rope with a rock he had broke, making it sharp, but the rope was not capable of being cut, and our efforts were in vain, eventually the struggling pony, eyes bugging out of his head, tears flowing down his cheeks, head bloated unrecognizably, went limp, and his heart finished it's last beats.

Really, I should have seen it coming, Borealis flew down first, and sat dejectedly on the ground, while I stayed up top, not wanting to go down, not wanting to stay off, the sudden silence was the first thing to catch my attention.

Then the fact that the air around me had started towiggle, and that Borealis was now pounding on air. I twirled in the air, turning to facehim.

Horrible loathsome thoughts ran rampant through my mind, a million different things that I wanted to do to him, cut him to shreds with a rusty, dull blade. Throw him into a pit of fire, and watch him burn. Entrap him in an empty, white, plain room, with endless light, so as to turn him mad, as if he wasn't already. Choke him with a noose, as he'd done to Apple. There was no doubt in my mind that this... Thismurder of my friend was an accident on Apple's part.

I glowered at him, “What do you want with us? There is clearly something you want.” I no longer had any room for tears, anger, hate, they took over my mind, pain had no room.

He smiled, a true, honest smile, “Why, Surprise, I thought you knew.”

I crossed my hooves, “Well apparently I don't know, mind enlightening me with your wisdom?” Sarcasm galore.

His smile didn't change, but he laughed, “Well, why not! I don't want anything to do with your friends. No, I only want you.”

Confusion flashed through my mind like a giant red flag, thoughts whirling like a hurricane, the sudden onslaught making my mind twist into a giant knot, and I stared at him dizzily, before asking him to repeat what he said.

“I said, I only wantyou, not any of your friends.” His smile disappeared into a grumpy frown.

I turned to look at my friends, and noted Borealis shaking his head emphatically, so he could hear what went on in here, but I couldn't hear what happened outside the bubble... Interesting.

“So, what, going to stuff me and put on your trophy shelf?” As you humans say... Sarcasm, for the win. Though. That may not count as sarcasm.

“No, I want you to come with me and stay in my castle like a good little mare.”

“And if I don't go with you?” I turned to glare at him.

“Simple.” He motioned towards Apple, and then down at my friends. “Slowly, one at a time, I think I'll do the rainbow one last.”

“I won't let you anywherenear my friends!” My voice rose in outrage, and he grinned.

“I'd like to see you try! I'll make the same offer next time!” He snapped his fingers, disappearing from my view, the force field vanishing, and Borealis was instantly at my side, worry making lines across his forehead.

“Are youokay?” He was very upset.

“Yeah, fine.” I said, voice soft, quiet, I looked down at the ground, mulling it over, he would kill my friends, one at a time, until I agreed to go with him to his castle, and be subject to who knows what. An impasse, I hated his guts, but if I didn't go with him, he would kill my friends.

Borealis gently forced my head up, putting his hoof under my chin, he looked my in the eye carefully, examining me, “Are you absolutelysure you're okay? You don't look it.”

I noticed at this point I was shaking, and on the verge of tears, I gripped my right foreleg with my left, trying to get the shudders to stop, but my leg continued to vibrate, I lowered myself to the ground, landing with athump! And dizzily shaking my head, “No, no I'm not alright. You heard what he said.”

Borealis landed next to me, smiling sympathetically, “Yeah... You made the right choice, Surprise.”

I looked up at him, my vision beginning to blur, the pressure on my skull tiring me, “What if I didn't? He'll probably kill Dusky tomorrow, and Butterflys after that, a-and, and Yo-hic! You af-after!” I began to sob openly, all my anger from earlier draining away, leaving only exhaustion and pain, the hurt to much for on little pony to bear.

Borealis wrapped his forelegs around me, and sighed, “I know, I know...” He slowly stroked my mane, and murmured softly to me, as my body shook and hiccuped, I was tired, so very, very tired... I heard, in my state of half awake, half asleep, Borealis softly telling Dusky to check on Butterflys, and Dusky returning with her, and carefully picking me up in his magic, carrying me back to our camp, if you could call it that.

He settled me into the far corner of the shelter, and the rest of us curled together, Borealis next to me, Butterflys on his other side, and Dusky at the entrance.

This entire time, traveling... We had been gone three months, two weeks, and four days, we have crossed our home plain, traveled through a desert for a time, returned to a plain, and entered the Everfree Forest.

Hope I've satisfied your hunger for more.

~Surprise Pie