I Drink, I'm In Love With You
APPLEKUU: PANIC PROBLEM!! POTION POiSON PANDEMONIUM
Written by Hellfilly Deluxe
Edited by That Gamer
With help from ArceusGPG
Applejack paced back and forth, waiting impatiently for Rainbow to come back. It had been about... Ten exact minutes since she had left.
But then after I finished that sentence, she came back! "Did you find them?" Rainbow asked.
Applejack shook her head. "Ah didn't. Ah've been checkin' that barrel fer the last nine minutes now, Ah think. Ah haven't seen hide or hair of them... Well, Ah thought Ah saw some of Applebloom's mane, but it turned out ta just be some straw covered in blood."
"Well then, damn it," Rainbow muttered while making a perfect landing, I must add. "I guess that means we have to check to see if they're in their clubhouse -- the place we should have looked first!"
"Ah don't think they're in there," Applejack said. "Ah mean, it's too obvious! Maybe if Ah checked the barrel again..."
"Um, darlings, I have no clue as to what you're thinking, but I think I might be a great help," Rarity spoke up, having stood for a nice, solid 15 minutes... Give or take.
"Ah appreciate the offer, Ah honestly do, but me an' Rainbow can probably handle this by ourselves."
"All you did for 9 minutes was look in a barrel," Rarity pointed out.
"All you did wuz stand there!" Applejack said.
"That's besides the point," Rarity continued. "The point is I have a horn, which, as you know, can locate objects. Finding the Crusaders would just be like finding jewels... Well, the Crusaders don't need to be dug up... I hope."
"Don't yah worry. If we do find 'em underground, Ah'll make sure one of 'em tells me where they are," Applejack assured Rarity. "And if they don't, they goin' be grounded so hard, they might as well be in the mantle."
"Applejack, you wouldn't dare ground Sweetie!" Rarity gasped. "That's my job!"
"What Applejack said," Rainbow said. "We got this by the flank! Their flanks! We're gonna find them so good, it's going to make looking for those keys look like breathing!"
"Ah thought this was supposed ta take place durin' the Hearts An' Hooves Day episode," Applejack wondered aloud. "Why are yah talkin' 'bout things from Season Four?"
"...Oh, damn, you're right..." muttered Rainbow. "B-but anyways, we're going to find them all real easy!"
Rarity nodded and was about to leave, but then she froze and her face got all screwed up.
"Uh, Rarity, are you-"
Nyx didn't get time to finish that sentence, because Rarity then started at Rainbow with this mischievous, but somehow regretful, stare and said: "Not that I don't think you're not going to do whatever it is you're going to do, but are you trying to get rid of me just so you two can go and screw each other in the orchard?" Immediately after saying that, Rarity froze and screwed up her face again.
"Oh no, now yah've done it..." Applejack groaned and covered her ears.
"HOW DUMB ARE YOU PONIES?! HOW THICK ARE YOUR BUCKING SKULLS?!? FOR THE FIVE MILLIONTH BUCKING TIME: I! AM! NOT! GAY!!!" Somewhere in the Crystal Empire, a glass shattered.
"Why did yah ask her that?" inquired Applejack in a monotone mannerism. "Yah know how she gets."
"So cold..." Rarity shivered, quite violently, actually. "W-wait, what's going on?"
"Yah indirectly called Rainbow gay an' she flipped out," Applejack explained, motioning to the raging pegasus. "Again, why did yah ask her?"
"I-I don't remember asking her that," said Rarity. "All I remember is nodding, then total darkness and now Rainbow's having a fit!"
"Are yah sure?" Applejack asked. "Ain't no way yah coulda asked that by accident."
"I'm s- it was Plottie!"
"Who?" That sure as buck came out of nowhere (unless the required reading was read).
"It was Plottie!" Rarity repeated herself. "Mary's imaginary friend! She must have done something to me!"
"Sure she did..." Applejack muttered.
"Exactly," Rarity said that upper-class way. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and have a word with her. I wish you good luck in finding the Crusaders." And with that, Rarity trotted off. But then she froze again, screwed up her face, shouted "ON SECOND THOUGHT, I DON'T HAVE TO!" and punched herself in the face. Pretty hard from the looks of it. Probably knocked out a tooth.
"Um... Ah think we should go," Applejack said to Rainbow. "Rarity's actin' weird and Ah don't know if insanity's contagious or not."
Rainbow grunted in response, obviously still fuming, but went her apple-based anyways.
"So cold..." Rarity could be heard saying as the two went into the forest.
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
"I just remembered somethin'," Applejack spoke up after a period of silence. (The quiet possibly came around to let Rainbow cool off, but it was more likely the fact neither could think of anything to say to each other.) "We're supposed ta be lookin' for Big Macintosh. How could Ah forget mah own big brother like that? Downright disrespectful, that is."
"Yeah, sure, right, whatever," Rainbow grumbled.
"Are yah really still upset over what Rarity asked?" inquired Applejack.
"I HATE BEING CALLED GAY!" Rainbow yelled in response, bucking a nearby tree for emphasis. Said buck caused about fifty of so apples to fall out of the aforementioned tree.
Applejack whistled. "Well, colour me impressed," she commented. "Ain't nopony been able ta get that many apples on one buck... There weren't even any apples in that tree!"
Rainbow grunted again and continued on her way to the Crusaders' treehouse, moving a little faster then normal.
But Applejack managed to catch up regardless. "Yah know, Ah just thought of somethin'. Yah know that time Vinyl said she was straight, but then her barn door swung so hard the other way, it broke off?"
"Yeah..." Rainbow said. "What are you saying?"
"Ah'm just sayin' you sayin' you ain't gay could be ironic, if this is the right kind of story," Applejack replied. "Yah gotta agree with that, right?"
No reply. Instead, Rainbow spoke with actions (and a third grunt) by trotting ahead of Applejack, which was a very obvious "Leave me alone for now or I'll drop the bucking world on your head." Applejack, of course, didn't get those exact words, but the ones she got were pretty close.
A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER...
"Applebloom! Scootaloo! Sweetie! Are y'all in there or not?" Applejack shouted at the Crusaders.
Rainbow, who had been looking in the window at her friend's request, managed to pry her head away long enough to look at her country amigo. "Applejack, you're not going to get anywhere just shouting at their clubhouse! Or making me look in the window!"
"Well, we can't just go burstin' in!" was the argument Applejack made. "What if they are in there and we just ram our way in?"
"I've been looking in this window for the last seven or whatever minutes," Rainbow said back, the dull tone of her voice complimenting her face. "I'm not that good with math."
"Now that's somethin' Ah can agree with!"
"But, anyway," Rainbow continued, "I know for a fact they're not in there, but we should still take a look around."
"So yer basically Ah should respect their privacy by knockin', but also assertin' mah authority as their guardian by comin' in anyways?" Applejack asked.
Rainbow nodded.
"When did you become the one ta think things through?" Applejack asked.
Rainbow shrugged as well as a pony could and kicked the door, going inside backwards.
"Yah could have at least opened the door a little softer," Applejack said, going up the steps to door. "It could have been unlocked for all yah knew! And, if the hinges broke, it could months ta repair!"
"Months?" Rainbow gave Applejack an odd look, one that said more then she actually did. "Uh, I've never cared to be an expert at fixing things, but, uh, it's just a hinge. I think it's be easy to replace."
"Well, Ah do have other things to do," Applejack said while checking in a box. "Lots of stuff. Replacin' a door hinge would only keep me from doin' all that other work Ah hafta do."
"Like?"
For a few moments, Applejack thought about the one word question and, after a little bit of not-math, realized she didn't have a good enough answer that wouldn't contradict canon. So, instead, she keep quiet and checked the box she looked in before for the second time. That made Rainbow smirk in victor, which would be the second to last one she would have that day.
And so the two looked around the deserted clubhouse for a while, coming a cross various odds and ends from previous Crusading attempts (and a broken pair of glasses, for some reason, labeled "unwanted"). Eventually, Rainbow chose to address the class in the room.
"Applejack, what it's purple stuff?" Rainbow asked, inspecting the bottle carefully.
"It's probably Moonlit Dew," Applejack responded. She didn't even bother to look up from the drawer she was digging around in.
Rainbow sniffed the liquid for confirmation, but ended up recoiling. "ECCH! Doesn't smell like Moonlit Dew!"
"Moonlit Dew never smells like Moonlit Dew!" Applejack reminded her blue bud. "You can have it if yah want, 'cause Ah hate that s#!t."
"What happened to respecting their privacy?" Rainbow inquired, a mocking tone lightly layered underneath for an added kick of flavour.
"It's called doin' 'em a favour an' savin' 'em a trip to the hospital."
"Uh... Sure." It was kinda reluctant, but it was a free drink and no drink could really be that bad.
But, as Rainbow picked it up and swirled it around to test its something, she remembered something. "I hate this crap... Eh, whatever. As you said, narrator, a drink's a drink!"
Damn straight. Anyway, Rainbow downed the thing in one, fell gulp and threw the glass it was in out the window, where it shattered into a dozen or so pieces. "Dozen", by the way, is a word which here means "two".
"Oh man... That was good," Rainbow sighed to herself. "Why doesn't Moonlit use that for their formula? It'd sure save me a lot of burnt throats and-" Then Rainbow froze. But not like Rarity, where her face screwed up as well. Rainbow just froze on the spot as something took over.
"Hey, Rainbow, why is yer name on all these random objects?" Applejack asked, finally turning to see her best friend. "Like this thing here, which Applebloom shouldn't even have until she's older!... Yah know, Ah'm going to keep this."
But, there was no answer. No witty remark, no somewhat decent explanation that somehow failed at being clever as well. Just the sounds of silence.
"Rainbow, are you OK?" Applejack asked. She put the object down and slowly moved to her friend. "Yer bein' awful still an' quiet an' Ah don't like it."
At the sound of Applejack's voice being closer, Rainbow turned to her head to face her friend.
And then she spoke.
"You are the cutest mare I ever see!"
Well, that definitely came out of nowhere and Applejack certainly acknowledged it, taking a step back in shock. Did she really just say that? And did she really say it like that? And the irony, while being predictable, was incredibly stunning.
But Applejack managed to shake off the shock and sputter out a question: "Rainbow, what's gotten in ta yah?"
There was no answer. There was only Rainbow staring lovingly at Applejack.
"Yer startin' to creep me out, Dash," Applejack muttered. She took another step back and noticed the other class in the room: A book, which had bee next to the glass of whatever, opened to a page. "Uh, gimme three steps, Dash, Ah wanna read this."
And read it she did: From what she could gather, whatever Rainbow Dash downed wasn't Moonlit Dew (thank Faust), but it was some kind of love potion was that, honestly, more like a poison that made the drinker fall for the first pony he or she saw and proceed to drive that pony bucking insane with love.
Applejack would have read about how to remedy this, but, when she looked up for confirmation of the symptoms, Rainbow did not give her three steps. Instead, she had given her three inches. From her face.
"Would yah mind backin' up a little?" Applejack asked as calmly as she could (given the situation) while trying to push Rainbow away with one hoof to no avail. "Yer breathin' is makin' mah face all hot an' bothered."
It was clearly obvious Rainbow did not hear a word of that aside from "hot an' bothered", because she the started advancing, closing the three inch gap and making Applejack back up straight into a wall.
"Uh... R-rainbow, yah mind lettin' me check that book so Ah can figure out how ta cure yah?" Applejack questioned nervously.
"You are the cutest mare I ever see!" Rainbow whispered in reply. If only you could hear the horniness in her voice. It would have punctured your skull.
Applejack unfortunately could and, as a response to that, she Rainbow off of her as hard she could and made a mad dash out the door, going straight for PonyVille.
Rainbow got up moments later, flying out and giving chase at supersonic speeds, knocking down a couple trees and probably killing some innocent wildlife. "You can run but can't hide my little AppleKuu!"
Author's Note
Hello, this is That Gamer. As you probably noticed, this story was written solely by my partner, Hellfilly Deluxe, and all I did was the editing. I didn't even know this was written until she gave me it to edit! But I like it anyways. Kinda reminds me of something I read once, but I can't put my finger on it... No, I can't. Maybe somebody who reads this can.
