Because the Universe Hates Us

by Oberstleutnant Edwards

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Human, Romance, Comedy
Length: 5553

What could be worse than a couple of non-bronies, who are in the military, ending up in Equestria? If you have some ideas I'd love to hear 'em! Damnit.

If you're reading this, then you realized that my sanity, as well as my friend's, David Fernandez, has gone straight in the shitter.

Hi, my name's Nick Österreicher. (It's German so don't criticize me!) My friend David and I are in the army, more specifically, the 27th Artillery Regiment.

We were on a basic mission in Northern Afghanistan providing covering fire for a team sent to take out a high value target. It would be expected that the shit hit the fan when our equipment decided to make a run into town without human assistance.

Typical right?

Nope…

Neither is ending up in a world filled with a ponies.

A brony's frigging paradise.

God please helps us.

P.S. I'm not sure exactly who made the cover art, but I gotta say it's bitchin'. Good job who ever you are and the credit for such a great work of art goes to you completely.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-07 02:00:04 UTC

Going From One Hell...

"There is many a boy here today who looks on war as all glory, but, boys, it is all Hell."

William Tecumseh Sherman

Welcome.

For those of you reading this you've decided that you want to-

A. View this Fimfic.

or

B. Buy an Italian chicken coop.

For those of you who are here for reason A, please continue.

For those here for reason B....

please continue.

Wait...

Um.

What?

Hold on a second. (sounds of pages being flipped can be heard in the background.)

*The author mutters quietly to himself, blissfully unaware the mic is still on.*

OK so the intro is here followed by some cheap gags that will probably get a down vote. Next comes the exploding bacon flavored cigars that say 'help me! I'm not an approved psychiatrist.' and lastly the audience will be pulled back in at the last minute by a classic gag that will cause some people to say something like "I peed so hard I cried because that was just too damn funny."...

or something like that.

Oh wait I forgo..... *Author notices the mic is still on.* ... about the... oh... well then... this complicates things...

Sooooooo.........

Um...

Well this is awkward...

Well folks I- JOHNNY ROLL THE CLIP!

Youtube Video

          Well now that you're somewhat entertained let's get back on track. As I stated previously those of you here for the fic, you are welcome to stay and enjoy yourselves. That's right take a load off.

Wait!

I said take a load off not rub a load out!

This is what happens when we invite cows to our keg parties.

Anyway

Those here for the Italian chicken coop, well...

Apparently Canada is a seller of fine Italian chicken coops.

But enough about that. Those of you here for the Fimfic are probably wondering "Who is this psycho and who is reading this already failing Fimfic?" Well the answer to that is simple, but not that simple. The psycho is the fat shit behind the computer (Did he really just say that?!)  and the one reading is one of the main characters. One of the main characters is, well, myself, David Fernandez. I'm an average guy, brown hair, brown eyes, and I'm about 5'11". I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either. I guess you could say I've got a little muscle, but nothing too extreme like a body builder. I'm a Latino-American, mostly American, who is currently serving in the army. I'm not in one of the most popular jobs like the army Rangers or infantry or what have you. I'm in the Artillery division, the 27th to be exact.

I also have a friend I met while it this division. He's a-

Hey dood.

Oh hey here he is now.

Um. Who are you talking to?

This camera. *David lightly tapped on the top of the camcorder*

You're talking to inanimate objects now?

What? No. I was recording for a few different reasons, but there's one reason in particular that I believe you remember as to why I'm doing this.

And what reason is that?

Don't you remember what today is?

If I could remember what you were talking about I wouldn't be asking now would I?

I guess not... But you gotta remember what happened a year ago today. Right?

What is it I'm supposed to remember? The day you figured out that the toilet isn't where you store frozen food?

Hey! You said you wouldn't bring that up. Also, in my defense, I was drunk off my ass that night.

After two shots of Jägermeister? Come on dude. That's sad even for you.

Yeah, yeah, but in all seriousness you don't remember what happened a year ago today?

Nope.

It's been exactly one year since we left Equestria.

One year since we lef.... Oh! Now I remember. You remember their faces when we left?

Yeah dude. They looked crushed and to be honest I kinda miss them.

Yeah I know what ya mean. They kinda grow on ya. I mean at first it was more like 'stay away because elephants are contagious' but now it's like 'Don't stand too close to that tree because elves are made of cheese'.

Um... what?

Hm? You say something?

Uhhh.... never mind. Just get in front of the camera and give a brief intro about yourself.

Ok. Uh.... Well there's not much to say about me really. I'm Nicholas Österreicher, but my friends call me Nick. I know weird name right? Well it's German. My grandpa was in the German Afrika Korps under the command of Erwin Rommel, the Desert Fox. He and about 200,000 other Germans were taken prisoner during the battle of Tunisia. After the war he became an American citizen, having to dodge a lot of hate and criticisms along the way. Eventually he found an American woman and settled down and started a family.

Is there a reason you're telling you're Grandpa's life story?

I'm getting there just be patient. Well as all things go through a life cycle kids are born and grow up and then they eventually have kids and that's where I come into the picture. I've already told you my name, but not a whole lot about me personally. I'm 22 years old with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm 6ft tall and am very proud of my German heritage despite the insinuated Nazism.

What do you mean by 'insinuated Nazism'?

Well people think I'm for Nazism and I love Hitler and what not because of who my grandpa is.

That's not your fault. You can't help that.

I'd rather not talk about this now. It might start one of those heated debates of [Nazism: Bad, Evil or Meh?]

Well ok then...

Here, just put this dvd in the player.

Why?

Discord gave it to me as a parting gift. It shows everything we did from our arrival to our departure from Equestria.

Really? Wow. Well that was nice of him.

Yeah well get to playing it.

Ok ma'am I'll get right on it.

Oh piss off you wanker.

Shh... It's starting.

You suck ba-

The following has not been approved by The Motion Picture Association of America. Viewer discretion is advised, unless you're Discord.

Because The Universe Hates Us.

Location: Northern Afghanistan.

Date: August 6, 2013

Current Mission: Don't die of boredom.

P.O.V. Nick

"Ugh. God I hate it when we don't do anything." Hansen said as he curled up on his cot.

"You get used to it Hansen." I said as I fiddled with my Ka-bar.

"You new guys are so eager to go and do something. Just sit back and chill dude." David said as he lazily tossed his dog tags in the the air only to catch them once more.

"I just wanna do something. Sitting idle is nerve wracking." Hansen sat up on his bed moving his feet to the floor.

"Listen." I started "When you've been here as long as we have, you tend to learn to be thankful for any free time you get." I didn't even bother to look at Hansen.

"You know what? I'm gonna go play some hoops with the fellas." Hansen said making his way to the end of the room.

"Bye" I waved

"See ya dude" David only nodded as Hansen left.

"Man am I glad he left." I said leaning back on my cot.

"Yeah that dude was a total douche." He said not even caring to look at me.

*Huff* "Yeah" I looked over to my right to the not-so-great outdoors. "Oh shit."

"What?" David's curiosity had been spiked.

"Look who's coming. It's our famous delivery man "Jizzy Jones" with a box on a hand-truck. You wonder who it's for?"

"Nah, not really." David returned to doing his favorite activity: Performing the sacred act of being a piece of shit and doing not a damn thing.

Now you're probably wondering why we call him "Jizzy Jones" right? Well as it so happens our great postman had an accident a few months ago. You see he had some early morning deliveries and he had some packages that he needed to deliver to the female barracks. Well our post master of fuck ups also in his early morning habit drinks coffee with lots of creamer. You see where this is headed? No? Well open your friggin' eyes and you might see something. Anyway, some of said creamer spilled onto one of the packages that a certain woman that can't stand Jones was supposed to receive. Needless to say that there was some hell raised in the female barracks that morning.

But I digress...

"Yo Jones! Who's that big ass package for?" I yelled to the oncoming post master.

"It's for you ya big dope." He yelled back.

"It's about time I got something. I swear you're holdin' out on my ass" He wheeled it right up next to my cot.

"Dude for the last time. I'm not running a mail syndicate behind the army's back." He groaned.

"Whatever you say, but I still think you're lying." I moved over so I was practically looming over my package.

A very unenthusiastic "Yeah" escaped his mouth before he asked "If you'll sign here then that package is all yours."

"Still think you're holdin' out on me." I mumbled as I gave my John Hancock.

"There you go. She's all yours." Jones said as he walked away with only his hand-truck and clipboard in his possession

"What's in the package?" David asked finally deciding to look up.

"Well, I haven't opened it yet so I don't know." I said as I cut the tape off the box with my Ka-bar. Once the tape was removed I lifted the flaps to find an array of items, but the thing that caught my attention was the decorated piece of paper rolled up on top and wrapped with a seal. I picked it up and began reading it. I'll save you the details, but it was a letter of inheritance from my late Grandfather. Apparently he died 2 weeks ago and the package was just arriving now, customs and all that jazz.

"What's in the package dude?" David said as he rose from his cot.

"It's... it's a... it's a package from... from my grandpa." I was a little shook up. Well wouldn't you be if you found out your relative died and you didn't get to see them pass on? It's not because I like to watch people die, but more so because I cared for my grandpa very much.

"How's he doing?" David said walking over.

"He's...... dead." I said rolling the letter back up.

"Oh..... damn. Sorry for your loss dude." He sat down on the cot right beside me.

"It's fine. At least he's in a better place now."

"What did you get?" David leaned over the box and scanned the contents.

"I don't know." I leaned over the box and began sorting through it. "Aw sweet!" David only sat and watched as I began going through the contents. The first thing I came across (excluding the letter of inheritance) was another note with a somewhat detailed list of the contents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Possessions of Gustav Österreicher to be given to Nicholas Österreicher.

1 M40 (Dak) Steel Helmet.

1 Afrika Korps Uniform.

1 Pair of German Trench Boots.

1 Pair of Black German Officer's Gloves.

Original German Identification Tags (dog tags)

1 P38 Walther.

1 MG42 w/ Case, Magazines, and Ammunition.

MP40 w/ Case, Magazines, and Ammunition.

1 A-Frame Assault Gear Package.

(Package includes)

1 Zeltbahn.

1 Gas mask w/ Canister.

1 Bread Bag.

1 Tornister Backpack.

2 MP40 Magazine Pouches

(End of Package list)

1 Crate of M24 Potato Masher Grenades. (30 Grenades).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wow this is a lot of stuff." I scanned the list 3 more time before I set the note on the cot behind me.

"What's in it?" David asked as he picked up the list.

"It's some stuff my grandpa saved from his days as a soldier."

"........... Your grandpa was a nazi?"

"Nope. He was a German soldier during World War 2."

"Isn't that the same thing?" David asked as he crossed his arms.

"Not necessarily." I was taking stuff out of the box.

"Ok?" David scratched his head.

"Let's put it this way. He was a true German, but not a Nazi. If the the Nazis hadn't come to power, but the war still broke out, he'd fight anyway."

"Basically he's a patriot, not a Nazi Fascist bitch."

"Right." I pointed at David. David looked out the window to his left for about a good 7 minutes before he turned back to me. "Hey dude what are...." He saw me throwing the box away. "Where's the stuff at dude?"

I pointed at my rucksack propped up against the wall next to my cot. It looked something like this.

"It's in there?"

"Yup. All of it."

"All of it? Even the crate of grenades and the 2 guns?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Just curious."

"Meh. There were some of his awards that were in there that weren't listed."

"What were they?"

"He got..." Suddenly Lancaster ran in.

"Hey fellas. Come on we gotta move. Suit up and meet me by the motor pool."

"What's the occasion?" I asked.

"We finally got a lead on the location of the guy we've been chasing for months."

"Oh that guy? What was his name again? Abdul-Kareem?" I asked crossing my arms.

"Yeah well we've got some intel on his location and we're needed to soften up their defenses. Intel says these guys are really dug in."

I looked over to David. "Looks like we gotta bring the rain."

He replied. "More like fire and brimstone." David and I rose from the cot and made our way to the armory to get suited up with standard infantry gear. After suiting up we met Lancaster and a few others, including Hansen, at the motor pool. I noticed that our "lucky lotto" artillery or the M777A2 that was hooked to the back of the Humvee. For those who don't know what it looks like. Try this.

"Shotgun!" I yelled taking off for the passenger seat.

"Bullshit! I always ride in the back. You're riding in the back this time bitch."

"First come, first to get this seat bitch!" I climbed into the passenger seat, turned around and flipped David off who returned the gesture.  I slapped the manifold. "Let's get this shit moving!" and so it did. No sooner than the words had left my mouth the convoy began moving through the gates and down the make-shift path to our destination.

I'll spare you the long and drug-out trip details.

Needless to say that we took our sweet ass time getting to our destination, but we arrived nevertheless. After exiting our Humvees we began setting up our equipment. I was working with the radio, David was unloading shell crates and our personal noob Hansen was setting up the M777A2.

Now for those of you who know what "Murphy's Law" is, Congratulations! You're an educated person! If not, don't fret. It just means you're not that cultured. Also, Murphy's Law states : Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Why does that apply this situation? Well if you have a noob with an expensive piece of equipment then that pretty much speaks for itself. Why you ask? Well the M777A2 started to tilt forward and began rolling down the hill we were on. The sound of small rocks and dirt could be heard as the Howitzer began its long and treacherous journey to the town across the sands.

"Uh....  Österreicher?" Hansen asked nervously.

"Not now dude. I'm trying to set up the troop-net. Get someone else." I waved him off.

"I really think you should see this." Hansen said with the utmost urgency.

"I'm a little busy at the moment." I, again, waved him off.

"But this is serious." Hansen said practically begging at this point.

"ALRIGHT" I threw my arms up in the air. "Fine." I turned to look at Hansen. "What is i-......." Then I noticed the howitzer rolling away. "SHIT!" I immediately ran and grabbed my gear, mainly my M4A1, and I snagged David by his collar and forced him to tag along. We immediately went running down the hill after the M777A2 and as we ran by Hansen I yelled. "You had ONE JOB Hansen! ONE JOB! and you couldn't even do that right."

"I'm sorry!" He yelled to us.

"Yes you are!" I yelled back, running like hell.

After what felt like hours of running, even though it was really about 10 minutes, we finally caught up with the howitzer which was embedded in the wall of a house.

"Phew! We finally caught this damn thing."

Suddenly my ear piece made some noise as we walked up to the M777A2.

"Öste-*static*-her en-*static*-es are cl-*static* in on your sec-*static* r! Get out of there now."

I pressed the button on the side of my ear piece. "Come again?  I didn't catch that."

"I said. Enemies are closing in on your sector. Get out of there before they can bring the hammer down on you."

"Negative. David and I are holding this position until we can move this howitzer."

"Roger that. We've spotted about 30 insurgents headed your way."

"Confirmed and noted. We-" I heard a cracking sound behind me. As I turned around I noticed that the wall holding the howitzer in place was giving way. As it pushed through the house, the house collapsed in on itself, but before the howitzer could start another lengthy journey, the wall on the opposite side of the house collapsed and blocked it from making any farther progress, emphasis on farther.

I ran over the crumbled remains of the building and laid against the back side of the make-shift wall next to the howitzer, David following suit. No sooner than we hunkered down behind the wall, the insurgents came out of hiding and unleashed a torrent of bullets that sounded like a dump truck dropping a load of rocks into a deep hole filled with nothing but pop-its in the bottom.  I could see small chunks of rock flying over the wall. The noise of the bullets was almost deafening. Thinking quickly I swung my M4 up to the top of the wall being careful not to expose my self and began to fire back at the insurgents. The bang of the rifle filled my hearing as the shells were ejected from the rifle. Being careful as possible I moved my head up until I could see where I was firing. I immediately noticed 2 insurgents bleeding on the ground, one was already dead and the other was clutching his throat, blood pouring from the hole in his neck. I scanned the area to see another 3 insurgents charging our position. I immediately opened fire.

*Crack*

*Crack*

*Crack*

*Crack*

*Crack*

In only five shots I brought them all down, but I only killed two. The third, I hit in the shin and the side somewhere near the stomach and it only caused him to roll around in pain, bleeding furiously.

While we were shooting, an RPG shell sailed right over our position and exploded in the sand right behind the crushed house. Chunks of hardened earth and a flurry of sand came down on us. When the sand finally stopped coming down I, once again, moved into position. As soon as I crested the mound of rubble I was greeted by 6 insurgents, 4 holding ak-47s and the other 2 holding RPGs, all pointing at David and me. I was about to open fire, but I didn't. My curiosity became peaked when one of the men started pointing behind us. I slowly turned around to find about 7 more of them waiting with their weapons pointed a David and me.

"David."

"Yeah?" David was still oblivious to our situation.

"Drop your gun."

"What? Why?"

"Check behind you."

David turned around to see men that had us covered and uttered one phrase. "Shit"

Not wanting to piss these guys off, we slowly placed our guns on the ground and put our hand behind our heads. The men were about to move in for the kill, over my earpiece David and I were getting yelled at to get the fuck outta there and for some reason the sand was glowing a faint purple.

Wait...

Sand doesn't glow purple.

Sand doesn't glow at all really.

And since when does the sand turn into a whirlpool?

The men holding the guns on David and me were bugging out they scrambled to get away, dropping their weapons in the confusion. I guess they thought that we had some kind of weird powers or something. I grabbed my rifle off the ground and started to silently praise the almighty, but it was short lived when the glow that vanished a minute ago came back in force and this time it formed a dome. David and I started looking in every direction trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Suddenly there was a flash. When the light cleared there wasn't any proof that we had been there at all.

Meanwhile back on the hill...

"Österreicher. Fernandez. Come in."

"....."

"Österreicher. Fernandez. Report."

"....."

"Sir I can't raise them on the troop-net." Marshall said to Lancaster.

(Prolonged huff) "Shit. Send a report to the Colonel. Tell him that we've got 2 KIA."

Or so you'd think....

(To be Continued...)

...To Another

P.O.V. : Nick

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"Owwwwwww.......... My everything hurts." I said groggily rolling over in the sand.

"Oof. What the hell happened?" David said with a dry, raspy voice.

"I don't know dude. One minute we're fighting in the desert." I pushed myself up into a standing position. "The next we're...." I looked around. "Some-fucking-where." I began scratching the back of my head. "We're in some kind of forest. How the hell did we end up in the woods?"

"I haven't a clue." He replied sounding like an Englishman.

"Dude stop trying to act sophisticated."

"Kill joy." David stood up and brushed himself off. "So uh, what do we do now?"

"Well... First we should organize this pile of weapons. Then we should try to scout the area."

"What about setting up camp?"

"If we're somehow still in Afghanistan then we shouldn't stay in one position for too long."

"True." David leaned down and grabbed a couple of ak's and a RPG and began stacking them against the nearby tree. After we finished stacking the left over weapons we grabbed our M4's and went for a nature walk.

"Alright stay low and keep to the bushes."

"Right."

The sound of leaves rustling and grass being stepped on could be heard as we progressed though the thick foliage.

"Hey David."

"Yeah?"

"Have you noticed how.... cartoonish everything looks?"

"Now that you mention it. Nope."

"I just think that... Hey look at that!" I crouched in the nearby bushes.

"What?" David did the same, scanning the area.

"It looks like a house." I pointed to a small building across the stream.

"Oh hey there it is." He parted the bushes to see.

I took a good long look at the house in front of me. "That house looks just a tad weird. It looks like something from 10th century Europe like England or France or something."

"Are those thatched roofs?"

"Yup and it looks like the made a cobblestone street. The house walls look like they're made of clay or something."

"HOLY SHIT!" David hid behind the tree next to me.

"What?" I turned to him.

"That." He pointed to a bench across stream. It wasn't the bench so much as what was on it.

"What the fuck is that?"

I looked to find a.... Horse? Is it a pony? Something like that. Nevertheless we left our hiding spot and moved to the railing of a nearby bridge. Luckily for us the pony on the bench was facing the other way or we would have been spotted. We crouched by the railing and began walking to the other side only to stop about halfway to see a massive assemble of ponies in the midst of the buildings walking back and forth.

"Should we keep going?" David turned to me.

"Yeah, but carefully. Keep on your toes and stay quiet." We continued down the bridge and moved into some bushes.

"Roger that." He said mockingly, putting his hand to his ear piece

"And cut that radio bullshit." I waved my hand down in a chopping motion.

"Roger that." He gave me a thumbs up.

"You know what? Fuck it." I threw my arms in the air in frustration.

"Affirmative sir." He saluted.

"David is gay." We moved in the alleyway between some houses.

"Affirm.... " After he realized what I said. "Fuck you." He flipped me off.

"Well then how about shutin' up next time." We crouched in the alley behind some trash cans.

"Fine." David leaned forward. "Would ya look at them all."

"I know right. There's gotta be at least a hundred or so ponies here." I looked back and forth between the array of houses while also keeping hidden.

"I think it's safe to say that we're not in Afghanistan anymore."

"Which means it would be best to find out where we are without alerting the locals and we should go back to the forest and set up camp."

"Right"

We turned around to start back to our "Spawn Point" only to come face to face with a mound of pink fuzz and two big blue eyes. It also turns out that the mound is a loud and hyperactive speaker.

"Ooooooooooooh. What are you? I've never seen anything like you before. Are you a new creature? (insert exasperated gasp here) Are you completely new? As in new to Ponyville? Ooh! ooh! ooh! I have to throw you a party! Wait here while I go get my friends." The pink pony hopped away at speeds that almost made it seem like she teleported.

David and I exchanged glances before coming to a conclusion. "We need to get the hell outta here and fast." We said simultaneously.

We quickly moved to the edge of the alley. We looked left, we looked right, and then we made a run for it. We ran like a couple of retards as we crossed the bridge and back into the forest. Once we were inside brush to where we were concealed, we sprinted to our original spot.

No sooner than we had arrived  we began building barricades and fortifications out of the tree limbs and the other various things that were laying around. It took us mere minutes to assemble a barricade made of twigs, tree branches, and leaves. I patted David on the back. "Alright I'll take first watch. Last thing we want is more of those ponies showing up."

"What should I do?"

"Gather firewood and keep your eyes peeled for any sign of those ponies."

"Alright." David walked into the brush and virtually disappeared.

And so it began. Hours of waiting and watching and waiting and watching and waiting and watching and David returned and set a fire and then came more waiting and watching and waiting and watching and a pink pony hung upside down from the trees above us and waiting and wait....

Österreicher.exe is not responding.

Would you like to wait for the program to respond?

--->[Yes]    [No]

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...

Österreicher.exe is working again, but may not function properly.

"Sweet Baby Jesus!" I backpedaled nearly colliding into the barrier we built.

"What?" David grabbed his rifle.

"It was that pink pony again."

"Where?"

"There!" I pointed to the branches above us only to find that the foliage was unoccupied by the pink monstrosity.

"Where?" David gave me a confused look while scanned the tree.

"She was just right there in the tree hanging like a monkey." I said holding my hand out. I kinda looked like I was asking for help because my leg was busted.

"Well she's not there now."

"Really? I hadn't noticed. I wa-..." Something caught my attention. I heard a voice. No wait, Voices! From what I heard it sounded like 2 ponies. I couldn't make out what they were saying from their current distance but I knew they were closing on us. "We need to move. Douse the fire and grab what you can."

"I'm on it." David grabbed his canteen and poured it onto the small fire he had lit. I began picking up rifles and RPGs.

What came next scared David and me nearly to death.

"Don't you two dare leave until I give you a party!"

I looked over to David who looked like he had just voided his bowels or for those of you who don't understand that, let me make it simple.

He looked like he shat himself.

We quickly scrambled to gather our gear and extra apparel and made a run for it. There was one problem though. That pink pony was back and blocking our escape route. "I told you that you're not leaving until I give you a party!"

"What's so important about this party?!" I asked

Her demeanor immediately switched from psycho to happy and she said. "Because I like to give all of my friends a party!"

"We're your friends? But we don't even know you." I said while David was tip-toeing past the mare.

She turned to David. "But you will! And yes your my friends and my other friends should be here any minute!"

David looked at me with the utmost urgency. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why either. They were close and closing on us. We tried running past the pink party pony only for her to block our every movement. Suddenly I saw an opening and was about to take it, but a voice from behind stopped me dead in my tracks.

"What is that?!"

David and I slowly turned around to see yet another pony. This pony was different. She had purple fur with a violet mane and a pink streak running down it, her tail matching her mane. I also noticed she had a violet star on her rump as well as a horn on her head.

She stood there gawking at David and me. I looked over to David who was also gawking. I motioned to him a quietly as possible and tried to usher him out of our current predicament, but the universe spits on our very existence because the pink one practically became a growth on David's side.

"You can't leave yet!" The pink one said wrapping her legs around David's sides like an octopus.

"Oh God! Get it off me. Help! Someone! It's eating my flesh!" David flailed like a madman.

"They can talk?! This is incredible! I've never seen anything like these creatures before." The purple one was almost gushing at this point, slapping hooves to her checks in an adorable fashion.

"Oh gawd no. Dude! shake her off and let's get the hell out of here!" Not that he heard me though.

"God, Jesus, Buddha, someone religious, help me! She gonna burn me and then eat my gizzard!" He yelled flailing, trying to remove the pink menace.

"Twilight! Hit them with a spell!" The pink one gave the purple one (aka Twilight) a pleading look.

"Ok. Give me a second." Her horn began to glow as she lowered it towards David.

I looked between her and David before I darted to David. It was as if time had slowed as I reached out to David, but I didn't grab him. Actually I spun him around so that the pink pony o' parties was in the line of fire. The beam fired from Twilight's horn and flew straight at the pink pony who was immediately impacted. She let David go and fell on the ground, out like a light.

When Twilight raised her head to see a knocked out David she was disappointed and a little shocked to say the least.

"Oh my goodness! Pinkie no!" Twilight recoiled in horror before running to her fallen friend. David in the meantime was running backwards from the duo, mainly because I had a hold on his collar, but before we could leave the clearing I felt David go limp in my grasp. I let go of his collar and turned around to see him unconscious on the ground. I looked up to see Twilight closing in on me.

It was finally time to face the facts.

Twilight's horn started to glow once more before she opened fire on me. She didn't even lower her head this time, probably to make sure she hit her mark.

'Why does that glow seem so familiar?' I squinted my eyes trying to focus on Twilight's horn. The beam hit me center mass and the next thing I knew everything went black.

Again.

God Damn it Nappa.