Dearest F***aloo...
It was a quiet afternoon and the Cutie Mark Crusaders decided to spend it in their clubhouse. Sweetie Belle was scrunching up her face on her thinking spot, racking her brain so hard that steam was nearly coming out of her ears. Applebloom and Scootaloo were playing cards, the orange pegasus looked at the big pile of cards in front of her, already tasting sweet victory.
“Got any threes, Applebloom?”
“Um...Go Fish?” the beige filly gave an impish smile. Applebloom showed her cards to her friend, causing Scoots to let out an exasperated sigh.
“AB, you have several threes.Which doesn’t matter anymore, though. I just won!”
“Darn! Best out of three?” Scootaloo nodded and started mixing the cards again. The earth pony glanced at her unmoving, unicorn friend. “Got any ideas, Sweetie?”
“Almost...Almost...Come on, I think it’s the greatest idea ever and it’s just on the tip of my brain…wait, I got it!” Sweetie Belle jumped back on all fours. “A brain extractor!”
“For what?” Applebloom rolled her eyes.
“So we can extract from my brain the awesome idea that will grant us a cutie mark.”
“What if we got a cutie mark from brain extraction...but you don’t because you don’t have a brain?” Scootaloo joined in.
“Maybe I’ll got it when I put it back!” Sweetie flashed a full toothed grin.
“I’ll go and take the power tools, then!” Applebloom run to the entrance to grab the tool box, even if she still had some strong reservation about the plan.
Suddenly, a belch of green fire appeared in the room and a scroll fell on the wooden floor.
“What is that?” Sweetie approached the letter. “I think it’s from Twilight, maybe.”
“What makes you so sure?” Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Do you know any other letter sending dragons around here?”
“Do the ones in my dreams count?” Sweetie put a hoof under her chin, pensive.
“Funny. Mah sister got one from Twilight, too. Jus’ last evening.”
“Well, let’s read it.” Sweetie picked it up.
Dear Scootaloo,
“Scootaloo, it’s for you!” Sweetie said in amazement.
“You don’t say.” Scoots dryly commented with a giggle.
No, scratch that. Dear means I care and I don’t.
Fucking Scootaloo…No wait…
Fucking Fuckaloo,
Motherfucking Scootaloo,
Yeah, that’s a good one. Get it? Because you don’t have a mother! Ha Ha Ha Fucking Ha! Or probably you do and I dunno, she traded you for a dose of crack. Yeah, I like it even better! That is my new headcanon and I’ll stick to it!
The little orange filly lost all of her blood from the face. Sweetie opened her mouth to ask if she should continue reading to which the little pegasus nodded.
Shut the fuck up, Spike! Or I’ll change my headcanon of you ‘not’ being a faggot! That’s right, you are a bundle of sticks that likes dudes, now! Gay dudes with big massive stallionhood. Now don’t start drooling over all the cock that is waiting for you and and start over.
Dear Crackaloo,
I’m going to fucking call you like that from now on and you’ll like it.
Oh, now you’ll start whining, isn’t it, Spike? This is the the part where you say ‘Please, stop Twilight they’re just fillies and you are just drunk and yaddayaddayadda, not yourself. You are more boring that the little orange fucker which is a lot.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah!
Nopony likes you because you’re a little crack foal that can’t fly. News flash, Fuckaloo: that scooter is not shitting anypony or is impressive or some other shit that you think in that fucking head of yours.
Look at Rainbow Dash on that cloud. Just imagine she’s on a cloud, just a few feet away from you, looking from the window and with her best bedroom eyes. Yeah, you want to go there and pound that fantastic plot, aren’t you? Yeah, you’re not shitting anypony with big sister thing. You know you want that piece of blue ass. Yeeesssh, think about her ass, you lousy little thing….
Scootaloo's wings stiffened a little but pushed them back in their place, being kinda grateful that the letter drained all of her friend’s attention to notice that.
Now go and fly to her. Join her up there so you can make out like crazy and she can show you why Applejack, Pinkie Pie and everypony in the world likes that nice piece of plot.
Oh, wait. You can’t!
That is probably because your mom, the bitch, liked too much crack and she shitted you out even though you were a retarded pegasus instead of grinding you in a good pile of meatballs.
Not that regular pegasi are much better. Except for making meatballs.
Mmmm...meatballs. I really want some meatballs...Spike, after the letter go and fetch me some pegasi meatballs. Just shoot one with bow and arrow and we’re done. It’s not cannibalism if they are pegasi! They are sub-equine and you know it!
I fucking hate pegasi but you know what do I hate more?
You!
Oh, if I find you I’m going to keep punching you in the fucking face until it stops being funny which means never! Pegasi are shit, but you...you are the apex of pegasus shitness! When I see you, I see hundreds of years of inbreeding (not) at work!
It’s not racist, Spike! She’s just a pegasus! No, wait. Three quarter pegasus and one quarter of a turd. You know what? I found a new name!
Dear Turdaloo,
Yaddayaddayadda, you suck and probably read everything else so I’ll continue from here.
Everypony fucked Rainbow Dash but you. Applejack did Dash, Pinkie Pie did Dash. I did Rainbow Dash, Spike did Dash, my kitchen sink did Dash, YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS DID RAINBOW DASH!
Scootaloo's jaw hit the floor and looked at her two friends in total, absolute disbelief.
“Y-you lie!” Sweetie yelled at the letter, her hooves shaking lightly. “You are a liar that lies!” she sobbed
“I swear, Scoots!” Applebloom raised her hooves in defense. “That’s crazy talkin’. She’s a crazy pony that talks crazy!”
And nothing, no amount of sniffing your Rainbow Dash plushie and shoving it up your ass will change that. Nothing! Also, I hope you’re friends are here with you. Sure they are, I bet you three are all there having a threesome or some shit you do.
If the miniature version of the fucking drama queen and the inbred hick are reading this, now this: YOUR TURN WILL COME!
P.S.
Girls, this is Spike. I am deeply sorry for this. Twilight is the meanest drunk in the world and I’m trapped here in this nightmare, sending insults to my friends. Scoots, I think you are a great filly. I don’t care if you can’t fly. You are still a kind, brave and generous pony and everypony should be proud of calling you a friend and I love you. Not romantic love, but…
You know what? If you save me from this drunken fiend I’ll love you forever.
Save me my orange knight in shining armor before Twilight wakes up! She passed out mid sentence right before another anti-pegasi tirade. Hurry up!
With tears in her eyes, the orange filly looked over the horizon outside the window.
Heroic music pumping out the gramophone.
“Sweetie!” Applebloom yelled.
“Sorry, this thing works whenever it wants. What do you want to do now, Scoots?”
“I’m going to save him!” Scootaloo strapped her helmet and slid down the treehouse’s ladder to hop on her scooter, faster than the wind.
Sweetie Belle went in the corner to sob a little while Applebloom picked up the letter once again, with the same anticipation she would have had for a dead rat.
P.P.S.
Oh, what? Did you actually believe it was Spike that said that? Nope! Still me! Turns out that maybe I don’t need him to write the fucking letters, just like nopony needs you!
P:P.P.S
This is Spike. For real this time. I’m really sorry for whatever she wrote but if things stay like that and she remembers that she doesn’t need me anymore I’m really toast!
P.P.P.PS.
Scoots, if you are really coming SAVE ME! This is totally not a trap!
P.P.P.P.P.S.
-Note from the real Spike-
Yes, it is! She’s building a giant anti-pegasi crossbow! Let’s hope she passes out in her vomit before she finishes it or notices that she's building it with play-do...
Author's Note
Now imagine all of that read by Sweetie Belle's voice. I'm sorry.
