Welcome, Listenersby MisterMonikerChaptersThe Pony Pet Play ParkThe LibraryThe Walker That is Not in the WoodsThe Pony Pet Play ParkA town where fillies and colts play together under a carefully-crafted cloud layer that shields them not only from potentially harmful UV rays, but the world government’s black observation patrols as well. Welcome, listeners. Welcome... to Ponyville. Good evening, listeners. I’d like to start things off by reporting on a few of the current events that my interns have been diligently scouting in the name of community radio. First off is the recent opening of Ponyville’s Pony Pet Play Park, which everypony has been looking forward to since its announcement arrived three months ago on a particularly harsh wind that blew through town among the westerlies and a chorus of harmonizing screams. As I am sure you are all well aware, the Pony Pet Play Park promises to be the latest and greatest in the series of renovations planned by our beloved City Council. I am a pet owner myself, listeners, and I for one am glad that my adorable dalmatian puppy, Chaucer, and I will have a safe and comfortable place to play together under the stern but loving eye of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. When approached for comment, Mayor Mare had this to share about the Play Park: “Citizens of Ponyville, as proud as myself and the members of the City Council are to share the opening of the Pony Pet Play Park with all of you, we would like to take this time to remind everypony of the Park rules.” Mayor Mare then reportedly took several minutes to stare directly into the noontime sun overhead, working the muscles of her jaw in a manner which could only be described as “probably very agonizing.” She then continued with her speech thusly: “Pets are not allowed in the Pony Pet Play Park. Ponies are not allowed in the Pony Pet Play Park. While it is possible that you will see hooded figures in the Pony Pet Play Park, do not approach them. Do not approach the Pony Pet Play Park. We advise against maintaining eye contact with the Pony Pet Play Park for extended periods of time. Do not look at the hooded figures for any length of time whatsoever. “The Pony Pet Play Park will not harm you.” What a wonderful day for our little town, dear listeners. Let me take this moment to ask you something - how many of you are pet owners yourselves? Do you have a cat, or maybe a bunny? Perhaps you opted for something a little less pedestrian, and adopted one of the many starving Changelings that have been seen skirting around the edges of the Everfree Forest and Whitetail Woods for several weeks now. I admit that it warms my heart to see our community doing its part in reaching out and finding these poor, love-starved creatures new homes. Remember, listeners, if you are interested in taking your very own Changeling home to play with the foals, be sure to drop by the local branch office of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. The staff there will take your Changeling off to be processed and will hand you a short survey to be completed in forty-five seconds or less, or your new pet’s life is forfeit. Be smart, listeners, and be responsible. Take proper care of your pets and they in turn will provide all the warmth and affection a family could ask for. And now, a word from our sponsor. As a parent, you know that no matter what, your foals will always come first. They are the sun in your sky and the sparkle in your eyes. Your foals are probably the only things in life that you could properly find a sappy metaphor to describe. Your foals make you proud; proud enough to purchase those smarmy school bumper stickers and display them unironically, prouder than you’ve ever been. Your foals are the root of your hubris. Your foals will be returned to you after your loyalty is confirmed. This message has been brought to you by Sugarcube Corner. Remember, if you can’t keep track of your children, you shouldn’t have given them sugar in the first place. Excuse me for a moment, listeners. Berry Bubble, the intern, is trying to get my attention. Oh. It seems that somepony slid an unmarked envelope through the small gap between the station’s front door and the completely normal and unremarkable drywall surface that surrounds it. Here it is. Ahem. “Dear Mister Sea Silt, My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I’ve lived in Ponyville for several years now, and I can now say without a doubt that this town is the most scientifically fascinating community in all of Equestria. A team of like-minded scientists and theorists, including myself, has assembled to begin study on the strange happenings around here. We do so in the name of science, progress, and discovery, and due to the very real danger of conducting studies and experiments in our current environment, we would appreciate any cooperation the other townsfolk see fit to afford us. Our new laboratory is located across the street from Quills and Sofas, right next door to the old laundromat. We are here to help the citizens of Ponyville. There is still time. Signed, Lyra Heartstrings.” It does a stallion’s heart good to hear from members of his community stepping up and putting their best hoof forward. We should all learn from Miss Heartstrings and her selfless dedication to her craft and the ponies around her. Don’t worry, listeners; I feel that this isn’t the last we’ll hear from Lyra and her friends at the new laboratory next door to the old laundromat on Maple and Main Street, where operatives from the shadowy government agency are already beginning to set up stakeouts. I expect to hear quite a bit of news in the coming weeks both from our capable team of interns here at Ponyville Community Radio, and, of course, you, dear listeners. Community radio is just that: a community-driven effort to bring news and cheer to the hearts of every member of Ponyville. Without your almost-constant stream of calls, anonymous letters, and thinly-veiled death threats, we would not be what we are today. Thank you all. Ahhh, Lyra. The name just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And now, the weather. We are receiving several reports that cutie marks, particularly those relating to special talents that include sports and other physical activities, are wrong. I do not share this news as any sort of bias or to discredit the many great sportsponies that inhabit our fair town. This is simply what we’ve been told: they are wrong. The resident bowling aficionado commonly known as “the Dude” had this to say about these reports: “That’s just, like, your opinion, man. The people’s opinion. Not yours, I guess. All I know is that at the end of the day, I just don’t feel right, y’know, unless I’ve got one hoof behind the line, right?” Reports have yet to be confirmed on whether or not the Dude’s cutie mark, which has been revealed to be a glass full of an as-yet-unidentified liquor, are related to the story in any way. To combat growing unease about these allegations against purveyors of sports and their cutie marks, Ponyville’s ex-librarian… eugh… Princess Twilight Sparkle, has stated that she plans to singlehoofedly perform a series of tests that will get to the root of the problem. What an egotistical nag. Am I right? On that note, I would like to remind everypony that the finishing touches on the newly-renovated Golden Oaks Public Library will be complete next week. Bring your families to come and enjoy the good company of friends and neighbors as you walk the silent halls and navigate the perilous bookcases… of the Golden Oaks Public Library. More on this and the exciting new team of librarians next week. And now for an update on traffic conditions in our humble little burg. Ditzy Doo. Yes, you, Miss Doo. There is a hooded figure standing - or perhaps hovering, it’s difficult to say - on your front doorstep. I should assume you already know that it is doing so in a very menacing manner. It is not making any noise audible to pony ears. If you place a cordless phone in the windowsill closest to your front door, you may be able to hear the bursts of static and sonic feedback that make up the only auditory aspects of their horrible, gibbering language. I do not recommend this. Rest assured, the hooded figure will not harm you or your family, Miss Doo. Lock your doors and windows and remove the pilot light from your oven. That’s all for today’s traffic. We at Ponyville Community Radio would like to ask for your assistance, listeners. Assistance in locating one of our interns, a bright young colt by the name of Featherweight. Featherweight is the youngest intern to serve with our humble station. He is fairly skinny for his age, but his family is sure that he’ll fill in as he gets older. He wants to be a photographer when he grows up. His favorite color is maroon. When asked where he would hide an unregistered Changeling, he would reply, “they belong with Prince Shining Armor’s secret police.” What an outstanding young colt. Featherweight has been missing for four days and has not reported into the station for his daily communion with Station Management, which we all must be sure to attend. He was last seen near the area that is now the Pony Pet Play Park, carrying a camera around his neck and a hearty amount of enthusiasm. If you have information regarding Featherweight’s current fate and whereabouts, simply stand on your front doorstep and whisper it into the still night sky during a full moon, waning crescent moon, waxing gibbous moon, or a completely moonless night such as is scheduled on every other Thursday evening. Don’t worry; we’ll hear it. This excludes Miss Doo, which should go without saying. Stay inside your home, Ditzy Doo. Tell your children you love them. You are perfectly safe. As always, dear listeners, I’m afraid that once again it’s time to draw our meeting to an end. I’d like to personally thank each and every one of you once again for helping to make Ponyville Community Radio, and all of Ponyville, such a special and wonderful place to live and sometimes pretend to sleep. I’ll leave you all with these closing thoughts: A golden key can open any door. Invest in precious metals if you find yourself locked out of your home. If you are trying to get into the old laundromat, I recommend a key of obsidian instead. With that, our time is at an end. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Good night, dear listeners. Good night. Today's weather performed by Daniel Guerra Caballero. Originally composed by Akira Yamaoka. Welcome to Night Vale is owned by Commonplace Books. Author's Note And now for something that nobody asked for. The LibraryThat moon. That old moon. One day that moon’s going to fall… and, perhaps, crush us all. Welcome… to Ponyville. Good evening, listeners. I assume it is a good evening, as none of you have been abducted by the mysterious hooded figures that have begun roaming the streets of our fair town since last week’s opening of the Pony Pet Play Park. That would be impossible, as there have been no confirmed accounts of the hooded figures abducting anypony at all, and even if somepony were to be, quote-on-quote, “abducted,” there would almost certainly be at least one witness. That, listeners, is simply how it is. We are all perfectly safe. Our thoughts and prayers go out to dear Ditzy Doo, who has barricaded her home from a supposed infiltration by these same figures. Miss Doo, I’ve already told you. You and your children are safe. Terribly so. There is absolutely no living thing that can reach you now. And now, on to the news. Following last week’s splendid opening of the Play Park, today is the day that much of Ponyville’s scholastic community has been waiting for. That’s right, listeners, the Golden Oaks Public Library has been reopened. Boasting a much larger collection of titles both fiction and nonfiction, the library has been improved in every way. Former librarian, Princess Twilight Sparkle, had this to say about the renovations of what was once her home and place of business: “It’s a disgrace! These new, so-called ‘librarians’ won’t even let me in the front door! They’re not even ponies! This is my house, you jerks!” What a racist asshole. Narrow-minded remarks about the new librarians and the delicate subject of their race aside, what sort of princess - no, what sort of pony - wouldn’t gladly give up her home in pursuit of a social and scholastic achievement that benefits the entire town? Would she rather continue to force our children to live by her, well, utterly spartan catalogue system and complete disregard for any powerful academic mind other than her personal idol, Star Swirl the Bearded? We’ve seen your frightening attempts at cosplay, Princess, and we at Ponyville Community Radio believe that your obsession over just one of the many role models that our young ones should have an opportunity to look up to is just selfish. The new Golden Oaks Public Library offers an autobiography section that includes not only Star Swirl’s collected memoirs, but the twelve-and-a-half City Council-approved volumes of the 67-volume Encyclopediae Puddinghead collection. Besides that, the new Golden Oaks Public Library can provide an entirely dragon-free reading experience, something Princess Twilight’s library failed to achieve. And as we all know, listeners, dragons are not to be trusted. They have also been known to spread germs. But don’t take my word for it; read all about the true nature of dragons and learn for yourselves. At the library. Listeners, I want to be the first to thank you all for your assistance this past week in the ongoing search for our ex-intern, Featherweight. Several days ago I requested your help in finding our wayward employee who had been dispatched in the general vicinity of the Pony Pet Play Park. He has been missing for five days now and, according to Station Management, is now declared deceased for the purpose of posthumous separation from the Ponyville Community Radio service. The five day, town-wide search has been officially called off by the secret police with only four casualties to speak of. Those numbers aren’t bad, everypony, but I believe we can do better next time if we give it our all. To the parents of Featherweight, the intern, we regret to inform you that your son was lost in the line of community radio duty. He will be missed. Perhaps someday Featherweight will find a way to make it home to us all. In the event that he does return from the grave to haunt you, dear listeners, call Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. They are fully equipped to deal with rogue phantasms and disgruntled employees alike. And now, a moment of silence. Immediately followed by a word from our sponsor. [The keening of dozens of crickets and a single weeping foal rises in volume and intensity for several minutes, followed by exactly 57 seconds of radio silence.] This message has been brought to you by the Ponyville City Council. I have something exciting to tell you, listeners. Do you remember Lyra Heartstrings, the adventurous, entrepreneurial scientist that last week announced her plans to study our beautiful town? Sweet, sweet Lyra. Her cerulean mane, with a dignified stripe of vanilla racing out from behind her ear… that flawless mane that frames such a winning smile. Her laugh, soft with peals of tinkling celeste sharps and an almost undetectable sultry undertone. Lyra stopped by the station earlier this morning, listeners. She wished me a very good morning as she did her best to avoid the door to the Station Management offices on her way in. She seemed almost in a hurry, but I managed to busy her with small talk. Her favorite color is orange, because nothing rhymes with it. Lyra and her perfect mane then left me with a parting gift: it appears to be a small, black metronome with a curious purple gem embedded in the top of the device. She stated, in a voice not unlike the sweet vibrato of an angel, that I should “keep it close.” I’ll admit, listeners, that I’m not entirely sure what to do with this gift. I haven’t been musically inclined since my own years of internship here at the station. But it being a present from a very dedicated team of scientists and, of course, Lyra, I’ll cherish it all the same. And now for today’s weather. There is something lurking in the Whitetail Woods. I’m not talking about the last tatters of the Changeling swarm, dear listeners. Far from it. First of all, most of the remaining Changelings that had been making the Woods their temporary home have been taken home by loving and understanding Ponyville families. After their mandatory Friendship Assurance Indoctrination, courtesy of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police, of course. Second of all, whatever is out there appears to be feeding on the last of them. Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - told Sleet Swift, the intern, his point of view on the budding situation: “Reckon that’s a lotta bodies. Eeyup.” Further investigation of the Sweet Apple Acres farming compound revealed, accounting as best we could given the nature of the corpses, approximately twenty Changeling drones scattered around the property. Many of the bodies appeared to have been chewed upon. Tooth marks inconsistent with any of the Everfree Forest’s natural predators were found in the remains. A series of shuffling tracks in the soil are the only clue we have to the location of our visitor: whatever it is, the tracks confirm that it left bearing west for the Whitetail Woods. Old Mare Granny Smith speculated on the nature of the creature leaving these grisly reminders on her doorstep. “It’s that dern’d Walker agin, y’ idjits! Ol’ Walker comes ‘round here once inna blue moon, takes what’e wants, who’e wants, whene’er ‘e wants! Wuzzah… ? Soup’s on?” Further questions revealed that she was told this by angels. You know the ones. Whatever the case, listeners, if you live near the western edge of town, I advise you keep a close eye and a short leash on your pets. The Walker will return. Old Mare Granny Smith’s angels said so. More on this story as it develops. Last night’s grudge match hoofball game between the Ponyville Elementary Pickle Barrels and the Appleloosa Aardvarks was interrupted briefly during the fourth quarter as an unidentified presence possessed one of the players on the field. Pickle Barrels receiver, Scootaloo, was struck by an ochre bolt of lightning at the kickoff. Blazing with infernal light from her mouth and eyes, she managed to catch the ball in a telekinetic field of fetid energies and sprint to the endzone as the Aardvarks’ defensive line failed to hold onto her now-incorporeal body. Double Tap, the Appleloosa Aardvarks hoofball coach, attempted to call for a penalty against the Pickle Barrels as the use of active or passive magic, unicorn or otherwise, is against league rules. The presence possessing Scootaloo found Double Tap in contempt of the entire game and promptly escorted the surly stallion from this plane of existence. With Double Tap indefinitely suspended from life, the Aardvarks were forced to forfeit the win to Ponyville. After the game, Scootaloo was reported as saying she was glad that whatever helped her out there was a big fan of the Pickle Barrels, and that she invited it back for future events. The Pickle Barrels were then treated to a pizza party at Tortellini’s Pizza Place for their exemplary performance on the field. The Aardvarks, on the other hoof, undoubtedly returned to their homes, if they have any, where it is assumed they were punished with no supper. We can only imagine that many Appleloosan fathers wept bitter tears tonight. Goodness, they’re dreadful. Before we finish up for the night, listeners, I have a short list of upcoming town events that has been released by the City Council. Next week, we can look forward to the grand re-opening of the Ponyville Lanes Bowling Alley and Arcade, as well as everypony’s favorite: Pre-Election Day Insurance Collection Day. Remember, Prince Shining Armor’s secret police will be visiting your homes to relieve you of an item or loved one of great sentimental value to ensure that you make the correct choice come Election Day. I know we’ll all do whatever it takes to ensure the continuing safety of those closest to us. The following week will largely be dominated by the upcoming preparations for Winter Wrap-Up. Make sure you purchase enough ammunition this year, listeners; nopony appreciates running dry while wrapping up the season. I apologize. The rest of the list appears to be coated in a viscous, black substance that renders all following weeks unintelligible. That’s curious. I can just make out the words “void,” “crucible,” and something about the Homeowners Association. Well, I’m sure it’s nothing terribly important. Well, everypony, our time tonight is at an end. I’ll leave you with these thoughts: A swarm in May is worth a load of hay; a swarm in June is worth a silver spoon. A swarm in July should be wary. July is open season and market prices skyrocket. Good night, listeners. Good night. Today’s weather performed by the Cantabile Orchestra. Originally composed by Damjan Mravunac. Welcome to Night Vale is owned by Commonplace Books. The Walker That is Not in the WoodsWho are the Princesses, really? Welcome… to Ponyville. The angels were right. Listeners, if you were one of the many lucky ponies that took home a lonely and frightened Changeling to entertain the children, you may already be aware of the almost literal shadow over our fair town. Over the last few days, every single Secret Police-certified pet Changeling has been eaten, brutally murdered, or has otherwise simply disappeared. Not only has this stupefied local law enforcement and volunteers from Miss Fluttershy’s Foster Home and Animal Control, it begs the following question, listeners: did Appleloosian infiltrators steal and dismember our beloved pets as an act of petty revenge for last week’s hoofball game? Prince Shining Armor himself is coordinating an investigation with the help of his Secret Police, and shared these thoughts with us: “It is a dark day when an innocent game of hoofball incites those we once knew and trusted to acts of violence. Not just violence, citizens, but acts borne of such unspeakable hatred and savagery that we have no choice but to respond in kind. On my name as the Chief of the Secret Police, and with all the authority vested in me by not only my sovereign state but the powers of Equestria and its Shadow Government… our pets will be avenged.” More on this story as it develops, listeners. Do remember to agree to any and all services requested by a Secret Police officer if one visits your home in the night. If they’re asking; they’ve probably already taken it. Or them. Suggesting otherwise is rude. Have you seen him, listeners? The large, well-muscled red stallion with a ruddy complexion and a sprig of wheat in his mouth? Now, I know you may believe I’m talking about Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - but Old Mare Granny Smith’s angels assure our interns in the field that our favorite local grower and sower of produce is gone. This may come as a surprise to some of you, as I myself have seen a stallion that looks almost exactly but not quite entirely like Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - creeping around the windowless exterior of the Ponyville Community Radio station. Using our network of cameras, arranged for your security and the benefit of community radio, as well as the tragic loss of two interns, we have managed to collect unnecessarily grainy footage of this pseudo-Macintosh skulking about the place and generally just loitering. The nerve of some ponies, am I right? We’ve received reports from some of you, dear listeners, which have stated that both yesterday and today you’ve seen this “Macintosh” scuttling about the Ponyville Marketplace in the early hours of the morning. Yes, that’s the word that was used in all accounts: “scuttling.” How a pony the size and shape of Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - scuttles in the first place is beyond my knowledge. Old Mare Granny Smith voiced her speculations with our intern, Sleet Swift, after a late-night conference with her angels. “Been near twenny years since we seen the likes’a that Walker ‘round these parts, missy. Last time he came by, the feller absconded with mah daughter an’ her lover! Dragged the two of ‘em, a-hootin’ an’ hollerin’ into the woods! Wasn’t fer another four months after that next I saw my darlin’ Apple Butter come a-strollin’ outta them same trees as what she disappeared into. But my angels, they knew the truth. Told me t’weren’t her, it was only tryin’ ta be her. So I fixed the problem then an’ there.” Who is this “Walker,” listeners? What dark powers does he possess? Is he real at all? We look forward to your continued assistance and input with this pressing matter. But not before the weather. Poor, poor Twilight Sparkle. Poor, ignorant, deluded, self-righteous Princess Twilight. Let me be frank, listeners. I know that you know (as we all know) that I’ve never made a secret of my dislike for our local nobility, the Crown Princess of Magic. To be clear, however, as much as she grinds my gears, she is a citizen of this town that I love so dearly. I owe her that much, at least. Princess Twilight decided, of her own volition, to visit the offices of Ponyville Community Radio last night. I was just, in fact, finishing my last broadcast for the evening when she barged through our front doors as if she owned the place. It is an easy mistake to make, I imagine, as she does technically hold sovereignty over the town and most public resources. I happily remind you, listeners, that Ponyville Community Radio is privately funded and operated and as such does not fall under her jurisdiction. Now, after storming her way through the station she approached me at my desk and requested to speak with Station Management. I tried to convince her otherwise, listeners, I truly did. Whatever love is lost between us, I respect Twilight Sparkle as a resident of Ponyville. Heedless of my warnings and requests that she speak directly with me on my continued “verbal abuse of her actions, intentions, and moral fiber,” as she put it, Princess Twilight marched herself right to the Station Management office. One last time I pleaded that she not bring this argument before Station Management themselves. Being the stubborn, if tragic, pony that she is, she ignored me and opened the doo— [The next 20 seconds of airtime are filled with piercing static, interspersed with a harsh voice coughing a series of letters: J, R, P, N, A, Q, B, O, R, G, G, R, E, Z, N, T, V, P, J, N, F, G, U, R, S, V, E, F, G.] —but have you seen Twilight’s new manecut? I have, dear listeners, and I have to admit that it’s to die for. Globular, sporty, oddly metallic… such an incredible sheen that even Miss Lyra Heartstrings’ perfect, perfect mane doesn’t imitate. Remember to compliment her on it the next time you see her. After all, she’s just… such a nice pony now. Have you ever wondered if you’re truly in control of your own destiny? Not metaphorically, but truly - as if somepony out there was simply using you as their own twisted puppet, weaving a tapestry within which you are just a single, carefully placed thread? You’re not alone. We at the Ponyville General Hospital have helped dozens of ponies just like you, and we’d like to help you, too. Come see us anytime. Simply enter the hospital, lay yourself down on one of our many comfortable de-stressing cots and relax. Just relax. This message has been brought to you by the Ponyville General Hospital board. Listeners, I’m just tickled to bring you this next bit of news: Ponyville will soon be getting its very own Neighponese garden. In fact, you can probably hear the sound of distant bulldozers and extremely qualified HAZMAT botanists working through the night on the site of Ditzy Doo’s former home. This garden, I’m told, will boast over 80 species of flora, many of which are only native to the Far East and will be magically cultivated so as to preserve their beauty year-round. It will also feature a koi pond. Do you like fish as much as I do, listeners? Let me repeat that. A koi pond. I am positively thrilled. And the best part is that it will almost certainly be accessible to the public, unlike the Pony Pet Play Park, which you should never under any circumstances go near or look at lest it stare back into you. The meeting for this week’s Simple Cipher Sampler has been moved to one of a statistically improbable number of days that may take place - or may have taken place - sometime this month. Probably. As always, every eager codecracker out there will meet at Sugarcube Corner as Madame Pinkie delves into the secrets hidden between the lines. She promises a pastry of your choice to every new member, provided you can figure out when and where to meet. You already know the where, listeners, that one’s free. If I may posit a theory here, listeners… I believe that Ponyville is the single greatest town in all of Equestria. Nowhere else can we expect such incredible commitment from our friends, neighbors, and government authorities. It’s the little things here, such as our newly renovated library and the planned Neighponese garden, that make Ponyville look beautiful on a map. It is the citizens, dear listeners - each and every one of you - that make Ponyville look beautiful to me. That’s all the time we have for tonight, listeners. You just go on ahead keeping Ponyville the beautiful place it is while I leave you with these words of wisdom. Life is never without purpose. Power is never without sacrifice. Warnings are never without horrible, terrifying, infinitely real justification. Good night, dear listeners. Good night. Today's weather is performed by the Beatles. Originally composed by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
The Pony Pet Play ParkA town where fillies and colts play together under a carefully-crafted cloud layer that shields them not only from potentially harmful UV rays, but the world government’s black observation patrols as well. Welcome, listeners. Welcome... to Ponyville. Good evening, listeners. I’d like to start things off by reporting on a few of the current events that my interns have been diligently scouting in the name of community radio. First off is the recent opening of Ponyville’s Pony Pet Play Park, which everypony has been looking forward to since its announcement arrived three months ago on a particularly harsh wind that blew through town among the westerlies and a chorus of harmonizing screams. As I am sure you are all well aware, the Pony Pet Play Park promises to be the latest and greatest in the series of renovations planned by our beloved City Council. I am a pet owner myself, listeners, and I for one am glad that my adorable dalmatian puppy, Chaucer, and I will have a safe and comfortable place to play together under the stern but loving eye of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. When approached for comment, Mayor Mare had this to share about the Play Park: “Citizens of Ponyville, as proud as myself and the members of the City Council are to share the opening of the Pony Pet Play Park with all of you, we would like to take this time to remind everypony of the Park rules.” Mayor Mare then reportedly took several minutes to stare directly into the noontime sun overhead, working the muscles of her jaw in a manner which could only be described as “probably very agonizing.” She then continued with her speech thusly: “Pets are not allowed in the Pony Pet Play Park. Ponies are not allowed in the Pony Pet Play Park. While it is possible that you will see hooded figures in the Pony Pet Play Park, do not approach them. Do not approach the Pony Pet Play Park. We advise against maintaining eye contact with the Pony Pet Play Park for extended periods of time. Do not look at the hooded figures for any length of time whatsoever. “The Pony Pet Play Park will not harm you.” What a wonderful day for our little town, dear listeners. Let me take this moment to ask you something - how many of you are pet owners yourselves? Do you have a cat, or maybe a bunny? Perhaps you opted for something a little less pedestrian, and adopted one of the many starving Changelings that have been seen skirting around the edges of the Everfree Forest and Whitetail Woods for several weeks now. I admit that it warms my heart to see our community doing its part in reaching out and finding these poor, love-starved creatures new homes. Remember, listeners, if you are interested in taking your very own Changeling home to play with the foals, be sure to drop by the local branch office of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. The staff there will take your Changeling off to be processed and will hand you a short survey to be completed in forty-five seconds or less, or your new pet’s life is forfeit. Be smart, listeners, and be responsible. Take proper care of your pets and they in turn will provide all the warmth and affection a family could ask for. And now, a word from our sponsor. As a parent, you know that no matter what, your foals will always come first. They are the sun in your sky and the sparkle in your eyes. Your foals are probably the only things in life that you could properly find a sappy metaphor to describe. Your foals make you proud; proud enough to purchase those smarmy school bumper stickers and display them unironically, prouder than you’ve ever been. Your foals are the root of your hubris. Your foals will be returned to you after your loyalty is confirmed. This message has been brought to you by Sugarcube Corner. Remember, if you can’t keep track of your children, you shouldn’t have given them sugar in the first place. Excuse me for a moment, listeners. Berry Bubble, the intern, is trying to get my attention. Oh. It seems that somepony slid an unmarked envelope through the small gap between the station’s front door and the completely normal and unremarkable drywall surface that surrounds it. Here it is. Ahem. “Dear Mister Sea Silt, My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I’ve lived in Ponyville for several years now, and I can now say without a doubt that this town is the most scientifically fascinating community in all of Equestria. A team of like-minded scientists and theorists, including myself, has assembled to begin study on the strange happenings around here. We do so in the name of science, progress, and discovery, and due to the very real danger of conducting studies and experiments in our current environment, we would appreciate any cooperation the other townsfolk see fit to afford us. Our new laboratory is located across the street from Quills and Sofas, right next door to the old laundromat. We are here to help the citizens of Ponyville. There is still time. Signed, Lyra Heartstrings.” It does a stallion’s heart good to hear from members of his community stepping up and putting their best hoof forward. We should all learn from Miss Heartstrings and her selfless dedication to her craft and the ponies around her. Don’t worry, listeners; I feel that this isn’t the last we’ll hear from Lyra and her friends at the new laboratory next door to the old laundromat on Maple and Main Street, where operatives from the shadowy government agency are already beginning to set up stakeouts. I expect to hear quite a bit of news in the coming weeks both from our capable team of interns here at Ponyville Community Radio, and, of course, you, dear listeners. Community radio is just that: a community-driven effort to bring news and cheer to the hearts of every member of Ponyville. Without your almost-constant stream of calls, anonymous letters, and thinly-veiled death threats, we would not be what we are today. Thank you all. Ahhh, Lyra. The name just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And now, the weather. We are receiving several reports that cutie marks, particularly those relating to special talents that include sports and other physical activities, are wrong. I do not share this news as any sort of bias or to discredit the many great sportsponies that inhabit our fair town. This is simply what we’ve been told: they are wrong. The resident bowling aficionado commonly known as “the Dude” had this to say about these reports: “That’s just, like, your opinion, man. The people’s opinion. Not yours, I guess. All I know is that at the end of the day, I just don’t feel right, y’know, unless I’ve got one hoof behind the line, right?” Reports have yet to be confirmed on whether or not the Dude’s cutie mark, which has been revealed to be a glass full of an as-yet-unidentified liquor, are related to the story in any way. To combat growing unease about these allegations against purveyors of sports and their cutie marks, Ponyville’s ex-librarian… eugh… Princess Twilight Sparkle, has stated that she plans to singlehoofedly perform a series of tests that will get to the root of the problem. What an egotistical nag. Am I right? On that note, I would like to remind everypony that the finishing touches on the newly-renovated Golden Oaks Public Library will be complete next week. Bring your families to come and enjoy the good company of friends and neighbors as you walk the silent halls and navigate the perilous bookcases… of the Golden Oaks Public Library. More on this and the exciting new team of librarians next week. And now for an update on traffic conditions in our humble little burg. Ditzy Doo. Yes, you, Miss Doo. There is a hooded figure standing - or perhaps hovering, it’s difficult to say - on your front doorstep. I should assume you already know that it is doing so in a very menacing manner. It is not making any noise audible to pony ears. If you place a cordless phone in the windowsill closest to your front door, you may be able to hear the bursts of static and sonic feedback that make up the only auditory aspects of their horrible, gibbering language. I do not recommend this. Rest assured, the hooded figure will not harm you or your family, Miss Doo. Lock your doors and windows and remove the pilot light from your oven. That’s all for today’s traffic. We at Ponyville Community Radio would like to ask for your assistance, listeners. Assistance in locating one of our interns, a bright young colt by the name of Featherweight. Featherweight is the youngest intern to serve with our humble station. He is fairly skinny for his age, but his family is sure that he’ll fill in as he gets older. He wants to be a photographer when he grows up. His favorite color is maroon. When asked where he would hide an unregistered Changeling, he would reply, “they belong with Prince Shining Armor’s secret police.” What an outstanding young colt. Featherweight has been missing for four days and has not reported into the station for his daily communion with Station Management, which we all must be sure to attend. He was last seen near the area that is now the Pony Pet Play Park, carrying a camera around his neck and a hearty amount of enthusiasm. If you have information regarding Featherweight’s current fate and whereabouts, simply stand on your front doorstep and whisper it into the still night sky during a full moon, waning crescent moon, waxing gibbous moon, or a completely moonless night such as is scheduled on every other Thursday evening. Don’t worry; we’ll hear it. This excludes Miss Doo, which should go without saying. Stay inside your home, Ditzy Doo. Tell your children you love them. You are perfectly safe. As always, dear listeners, I’m afraid that once again it’s time to draw our meeting to an end. I’d like to personally thank each and every one of you once again for helping to make Ponyville Community Radio, and all of Ponyville, such a special and wonderful place to live and sometimes pretend to sleep. I’ll leave you all with these closing thoughts: A golden key can open any door. Invest in precious metals if you find yourself locked out of your home. If you are trying to get into the old laundromat, I recommend a key of obsidian instead. With that, our time is at an end. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Good night, dear listeners. Good night. Today's weather performed by Daniel Guerra Caballero. Originally composed by Akira Yamaoka. Welcome to Night Vale is owned by Commonplace Books. Author's Note And now for something that nobody asked for.
The LibraryThat moon. That old moon. One day that moon’s going to fall… and, perhaps, crush us all. Welcome… to Ponyville. Good evening, listeners. I assume it is a good evening, as none of you have been abducted by the mysterious hooded figures that have begun roaming the streets of our fair town since last week’s opening of the Pony Pet Play Park. That would be impossible, as there have been no confirmed accounts of the hooded figures abducting anypony at all, and even if somepony were to be, quote-on-quote, “abducted,” there would almost certainly be at least one witness. That, listeners, is simply how it is. We are all perfectly safe. Our thoughts and prayers go out to dear Ditzy Doo, who has barricaded her home from a supposed infiltration by these same figures. Miss Doo, I’ve already told you. You and your children are safe. Terribly so. There is absolutely no living thing that can reach you now. And now, on to the news. Following last week’s splendid opening of the Play Park, today is the day that much of Ponyville’s scholastic community has been waiting for. That’s right, listeners, the Golden Oaks Public Library has been reopened. Boasting a much larger collection of titles both fiction and nonfiction, the library has been improved in every way. Former librarian, Princess Twilight Sparkle, had this to say about the renovations of what was once her home and place of business: “It’s a disgrace! These new, so-called ‘librarians’ won’t even let me in the front door! They’re not even ponies! This is my house, you jerks!” What a racist asshole. Narrow-minded remarks about the new librarians and the delicate subject of their race aside, what sort of princess - no, what sort of pony - wouldn’t gladly give up her home in pursuit of a social and scholastic achievement that benefits the entire town? Would she rather continue to force our children to live by her, well, utterly spartan catalogue system and complete disregard for any powerful academic mind other than her personal idol, Star Swirl the Bearded? We’ve seen your frightening attempts at cosplay, Princess, and we at Ponyville Community Radio believe that your obsession over just one of the many role models that our young ones should have an opportunity to look up to is just selfish. The new Golden Oaks Public Library offers an autobiography section that includes not only Star Swirl’s collected memoirs, but the twelve-and-a-half City Council-approved volumes of the 67-volume Encyclopediae Puddinghead collection. Besides that, the new Golden Oaks Public Library can provide an entirely dragon-free reading experience, something Princess Twilight’s library failed to achieve. And as we all know, listeners, dragons are not to be trusted. They have also been known to spread germs. But don’t take my word for it; read all about the true nature of dragons and learn for yourselves. At the library. Listeners, I want to be the first to thank you all for your assistance this past week in the ongoing search for our ex-intern, Featherweight. Several days ago I requested your help in finding our wayward employee who had been dispatched in the general vicinity of the Pony Pet Play Park. He has been missing for five days now and, according to Station Management, is now declared deceased for the purpose of posthumous separation from the Ponyville Community Radio service. The five day, town-wide search has been officially called off by the secret police with only four casualties to speak of. Those numbers aren’t bad, everypony, but I believe we can do better next time if we give it our all. To the parents of Featherweight, the intern, we regret to inform you that your son was lost in the line of community radio duty. He will be missed. Perhaps someday Featherweight will find a way to make it home to us all. In the event that he does return from the grave to haunt you, dear listeners, call Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. They are fully equipped to deal with rogue phantasms and disgruntled employees alike. And now, a moment of silence. Immediately followed by a word from our sponsor. [The keening of dozens of crickets and a single weeping foal rises in volume and intensity for several minutes, followed by exactly 57 seconds of radio silence.] This message has been brought to you by the Ponyville City Council. I have something exciting to tell you, listeners. Do you remember Lyra Heartstrings, the adventurous, entrepreneurial scientist that last week announced her plans to study our beautiful town? Sweet, sweet Lyra. Her cerulean mane, with a dignified stripe of vanilla racing out from behind her ear… that flawless mane that frames such a winning smile. Her laugh, soft with peals of tinkling celeste sharps and an almost undetectable sultry undertone. Lyra stopped by the station earlier this morning, listeners. She wished me a very good morning as she did her best to avoid the door to the Station Management offices on her way in. She seemed almost in a hurry, but I managed to busy her with small talk. Her favorite color is orange, because nothing rhymes with it. Lyra and her perfect mane then left me with a parting gift: it appears to be a small, black metronome with a curious purple gem embedded in the top of the device. She stated, in a voice not unlike the sweet vibrato of an angel, that I should “keep it close.” I’ll admit, listeners, that I’m not entirely sure what to do with this gift. I haven’t been musically inclined since my own years of internship here at the station. But it being a present from a very dedicated team of scientists and, of course, Lyra, I’ll cherish it all the same. And now for today’s weather. There is something lurking in the Whitetail Woods. I’m not talking about the last tatters of the Changeling swarm, dear listeners. Far from it. First of all, most of the remaining Changelings that had been making the Woods their temporary home have been taken home by loving and understanding Ponyville families. After their mandatory Friendship Assurance Indoctrination, courtesy of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police, of course. Second of all, whatever is out there appears to be feeding on the last of them. Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - told Sleet Swift, the intern, his point of view on the budding situation: “Reckon that’s a lotta bodies. Eeyup.” Further investigation of the Sweet Apple Acres farming compound revealed, accounting as best we could given the nature of the corpses, approximately twenty Changeling drones scattered around the property. Many of the bodies appeared to have been chewed upon. Tooth marks inconsistent with any of the Everfree Forest’s natural predators were found in the remains. A series of shuffling tracks in the soil are the only clue we have to the location of our visitor: whatever it is, the tracks confirm that it left bearing west for the Whitetail Woods. Old Mare Granny Smith speculated on the nature of the creature leaving these grisly reminders on her doorstep. “It’s that dern’d Walker agin, y’ idjits! Ol’ Walker comes ‘round here once inna blue moon, takes what’e wants, who’e wants, whene’er ‘e wants! Wuzzah… ? Soup’s on?” Further questions revealed that she was told this by angels. You know the ones. Whatever the case, listeners, if you live near the western edge of town, I advise you keep a close eye and a short leash on your pets. The Walker will return. Old Mare Granny Smith’s angels said so. More on this story as it develops. Last night’s grudge match hoofball game between the Ponyville Elementary Pickle Barrels and the Appleloosa Aardvarks was interrupted briefly during the fourth quarter as an unidentified presence possessed one of the players on the field. Pickle Barrels receiver, Scootaloo, was struck by an ochre bolt of lightning at the kickoff. Blazing with infernal light from her mouth and eyes, she managed to catch the ball in a telekinetic field of fetid energies and sprint to the endzone as the Aardvarks’ defensive line failed to hold onto her now-incorporeal body. Double Tap, the Appleloosa Aardvarks hoofball coach, attempted to call for a penalty against the Pickle Barrels as the use of active or passive magic, unicorn or otherwise, is against league rules. The presence possessing Scootaloo found Double Tap in contempt of the entire game and promptly escorted the surly stallion from this plane of existence. With Double Tap indefinitely suspended from life, the Aardvarks were forced to forfeit the win to Ponyville. After the game, Scootaloo was reported as saying she was glad that whatever helped her out there was a big fan of the Pickle Barrels, and that she invited it back for future events. The Pickle Barrels were then treated to a pizza party at Tortellini’s Pizza Place for their exemplary performance on the field. The Aardvarks, on the other hoof, undoubtedly returned to their homes, if they have any, where it is assumed they were punished with no supper. We can only imagine that many Appleloosan fathers wept bitter tears tonight. Goodness, they’re dreadful. Before we finish up for the night, listeners, I have a short list of upcoming town events that has been released by the City Council. Next week, we can look forward to the grand re-opening of the Ponyville Lanes Bowling Alley and Arcade, as well as everypony’s favorite: Pre-Election Day Insurance Collection Day. Remember, Prince Shining Armor’s secret police will be visiting your homes to relieve you of an item or loved one of great sentimental value to ensure that you make the correct choice come Election Day. I know we’ll all do whatever it takes to ensure the continuing safety of those closest to us. The following week will largely be dominated by the upcoming preparations for Winter Wrap-Up. Make sure you purchase enough ammunition this year, listeners; nopony appreciates running dry while wrapping up the season. I apologize. The rest of the list appears to be coated in a viscous, black substance that renders all following weeks unintelligible. That’s curious. I can just make out the words “void,” “crucible,” and something about the Homeowners Association. Well, I’m sure it’s nothing terribly important. Well, everypony, our time tonight is at an end. I’ll leave you with these thoughts: A swarm in May is worth a load of hay; a swarm in June is worth a silver spoon. A swarm in July should be wary. July is open season and market prices skyrocket. Good night, listeners. Good night. Today’s weather performed by the Cantabile Orchestra. Originally composed by Damjan Mravunac. Welcome to Night Vale is owned by Commonplace Books.
The Walker That is Not in the WoodsWho are the Princesses, really? Welcome… to Ponyville. The angels were right. Listeners, if you were one of the many lucky ponies that took home a lonely and frightened Changeling to entertain the children, you may already be aware of the almost literal shadow over our fair town. Over the last few days, every single Secret Police-certified pet Changeling has been eaten, brutally murdered, or has otherwise simply disappeared. Not only has this stupefied local law enforcement and volunteers from Miss Fluttershy’s Foster Home and Animal Control, it begs the following question, listeners: did Appleloosian infiltrators steal and dismember our beloved pets as an act of petty revenge for last week’s hoofball game? Prince Shining Armor himself is coordinating an investigation with the help of his Secret Police, and shared these thoughts with us: “It is a dark day when an innocent game of hoofball incites those we once knew and trusted to acts of violence. Not just violence, citizens, but acts borne of such unspeakable hatred and savagery that we have no choice but to respond in kind. On my name as the Chief of the Secret Police, and with all the authority vested in me by not only my sovereign state but the powers of Equestria and its Shadow Government… our pets will be avenged.” More on this story as it develops, listeners. Do remember to agree to any and all services requested by a Secret Police officer if one visits your home in the night. If they’re asking; they’ve probably already taken it. Or them. Suggesting otherwise is rude. Have you seen him, listeners? The large, well-muscled red stallion with a ruddy complexion and a sprig of wheat in his mouth? Now, I know you may believe I’m talking about Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - but Old Mare Granny Smith’s angels assure our interns in the field that our favorite local grower and sower of produce is gone. This may come as a surprise to some of you, as I myself have seen a stallion that looks almost exactly but not quite entirely like Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - creeping around the windowless exterior of the Ponyville Community Radio station. Using our network of cameras, arranged for your security and the benefit of community radio, as well as the tragic loss of two interns, we have managed to collect unnecessarily grainy footage of this pseudo-Macintosh skulking about the place and generally just loitering. The nerve of some ponies, am I right? We’ve received reports from some of you, dear listeners, which have stated that both yesterday and today you’ve seen this “Macintosh” scuttling about the Ponyville Marketplace in the early hours of the morning. Yes, that’s the word that was used in all accounts: “scuttling.” How a pony the size and shape of Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - scuttles in the first place is beyond my knowledge. Old Mare Granny Smith voiced her speculations with our intern, Sleet Swift, after a late-night conference with her angels. “Been near twenny years since we seen the likes’a that Walker ‘round these parts, missy. Last time he came by, the feller absconded with mah daughter an’ her lover! Dragged the two of ‘em, a-hootin’ an’ hollerin’ into the woods! Wasn’t fer another four months after that next I saw my darlin’ Apple Butter come a-strollin’ outta them same trees as what she disappeared into. But my angels, they knew the truth. Told me t’weren’t her, it was only tryin’ ta be her. So I fixed the problem then an’ there.” Who is this “Walker,” listeners? What dark powers does he possess? Is he real at all? We look forward to your continued assistance and input with this pressing matter. But not before the weather. Poor, poor Twilight Sparkle. Poor, ignorant, deluded, self-righteous Princess Twilight. Let me be frank, listeners. I know that you know (as we all know) that I’ve never made a secret of my dislike for our local nobility, the Crown Princess of Magic. To be clear, however, as much as she grinds my gears, she is a citizen of this town that I love so dearly. I owe her that much, at least. Princess Twilight decided, of her own volition, to visit the offices of Ponyville Community Radio last night. I was just, in fact, finishing my last broadcast for the evening when she barged through our front doors as if she owned the place. It is an easy mistake to make, I imagine, as she does technically hold sovereignty over the town and most public resources. I happily remind you, listeners, that Ponyville Community Radio is privately funded and operated and as such does not fall under her jurisdiction. Now, after storming her way through the station she approached me at my desk and requested to speak with Station Management. I tried to convince her otherwise, listeners, I truly did. Whatever love is lost between us, I respect Twilight Sparkle as a resident of Ponyville. Heedless of my warnings and requests that she speak directly with me on my continued “verbal abuse of her actions, intentions, and moral fiber,” as she put it, Princess Twilight marched herself right to the Station Management office. One last time I pleaded that she not bring this argument before Station Management themselves. Being the stubborn, if tragic, pony that she is, she ignored me and opened the doo— [The next 20 seconds of airtime are filled with piercing static, interspersed with a harsh voice coughing a series of letters: J, R, P, N, A, Q, B, O, R, G, G, R, E, Z, N, T, V, P, J, N, F, G, U, R, S, V, E, F, G.] —but have you seen Twilight’s new manecut? I have, dear listeners, and I have to admit that it’s to die for. Globular, sporty, oddly metallic… such an incredible sheen that even Miss Lyra Heartstrings’ perfect, perfect mane doesn’t imitate. Remember to compliment her on it the next time you see her. After all, she’s just… such a nice pony now. Have you ever wondered if you’re truly in control of your own destiny? Not metaphorically, but truly - as if somepony out there was simply using you as their own twisted puppet, weaving a tapestry within which you are just a single, carefully placed thread? You’re not alone. We at the Ponyville General Hospital have helped dozens of ponies just like you, and we’d like to help you, too. Come see us anytime. Simply enter the hospital, lay yourself down on one of our many comfortable de-stressing cots and relax. Just relax. This message has been brought to you by the Ponyville General Hospital board. Listeners, I’m just tickled to bring you this next bit of news: Ponyville will soon be getting its very own Neighponese garden. In fact, you can probably hear the sound of distant bulldozers and extremely qualified HAZMAT botanists working through the night on the site of Ditzy Doo’s former home. This garden, I’m told, will boast over 80 species of flora, many of which are only native to the Far East and will be magically cultivated so as to preserve their beauty year-round. It will also feature a koi pond. Do you like fish as much as I do, listeners? Let me repeat that. A koi pond. I am positively thrilled. And the best part is that it will almost certainly be accessible to the public, unlike the Pony Pet Play Park, which you should never under any circumstances go near or look at lest it stare back into you. The meeting for this week’s Simple Cipher Sampler has been moved to one of a statistically improbable number of days that may take place - or may have taken place - sometime this month. Probably. As always, every eager codecracker out there will meet at Sugarcube Corner as Madame Pinkie delves into the secrets hidden between the lines. She promises a pastry of your choice to every new member, provided you can figure out when and where to meet. You already know the where, listeners, that one’s free. If I may posit a theory here, listeners… I believe that Ponyville is the single greatest town in all of Equestria. Nowhere else can we expect such incredible commitment from our friends, neighbors, and government authorities. It’s the little things here, such as our newly renovated library and the planned Neighponese garden, that make Ponyville look beautiful on a map. It is the citizens, dear listeners - each and every one of you - that make Ponyville look beautiful to me. That’s all the time we have for tonight, listeners. You just go on ahead keeping Ponyville the beautiful place it is while I leave you with these words of wisdom. Life is never without purpose. Power is never without sacrifice. Warnings are never without horrible, terrifying, infinitely real justification. Good night, dear listeners. Good night. Today's weather is performed by the Beatles. Originally composed by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
