Amazonian Ponies

by Nether

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Octavia, Angel, Random
Length: 5124

A collection of short stories where the ponies aren't so small.

A collection of short stories about Anonymous being in an Equestria where one or more (if not all) of the ponies aren't so small. Anonymous human in Equestria story.

Published 2013-12-02 21:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-27 06:35:26 UTC

Octavia

“Anonymous!” came the telltale yell, followed by a slammed door. “Anonymous, are you home?” she asked. The human was indeed home, waiting for her to return, as it were. Today was another rehearsal, and there was apparently some drama between Octavia and another orchestral pony.

“I’m in here,” he answered, jumping up onto the couch. The cushion sank beneath his weight, but nowhere near as much as it would when Octavia joined him. It had taken a while for Anonymous to grow accustomed to living with beings larger than he was, but he eventually got used to it. Well, he never truly got used to it, but it became less and less strange over time.

Octavia groaned, slinging her saddle bags onto the ground, her hooves echoing a soft clop-clop on the hardwood floor as she made her way into the living room. Getting up on the couch next to the human, she sat down on the cushion next to him, leaning onto the arm rest. Frustration obvious, she sighed, closing her eyes as she thought about her day.

“Wanna talk about it?” Anonymous asked, getting to his feet. Carefully, he approached the grey pony, his arm resting on her side. Her tail flicked at his touch, but it was an expected one.

“Lyra. Is. Crazy,” she said, turning around to look at Anonymous.

“What happened this time?”

“She is an obsessed mare, and she needs to learn her boundaries!”

“Woah woah, easy killer,” Anon said, moving to sit next to her. Placing his arm over her shoulders, he leaned up against her. “Now, deep breaths.”

“Bu—“

“Deep. Breaths.”

Octavia shot the human a defiant look, but eventually did as he asked, breathing in and out slowly for him.

“Satisfied?” she said, repositioning so that she could lay down on the couch instead of sit awkwardly next to the human.

“Very much so. Now, you were saying?” He said, climbing up on her back.

“Lyra is crazy!” she said, seemingly not minding his monkeying around. “She’s obsessed! I can’t get her to leave me alone, and none of the other ponies believe me when I say I do not care for her actions!”

“What makes you say she’s crazy or obsessed?” Anon said, reaching up to scratch at Octavia’s ears.

“You!”

“Me?” Anon echoed, continuing to gently scratch. This was old news to him, but she needed to rant, so he would listen. Eventually she would get it all out of her system, but Anon had learned what the mare craved. To rant, and a good scratching behind the ears.

“You,” she repeated, a bit calmer as the human’s efforts began to take the slightest hint at reward. “She won’t stop going on and on about you. She’s apparently fascinated by humans, to the point that she wants one of her own. She keeps asking me questions that I don’t have answers to because you live with me.”

“Oh? What kind of questions?”

“Like where you came from or if another human will show up.”

“Oh, she’s just curious, that’s all. Doesn’t seem obsessed to me.”

“Do you know what she asked me today?” she asked, turning her head ever so slightly, as if to see the human on her neck.

“Hmm?’

“She asked if she could borrow you for a while.”

Anonymous stopped, now more interested in the rest of her tale than his previous efforts. “What did you say to that?”

“Of course I said no! I cannot believe that she would propose such a preposterous idea in the first place! It’s like she didn’t even consider you intelligent enough to make decisions on your own, like you were some pet or toy!”

Grinning, the human resumed scratching at Octavia’s ears. “I’m glad you took me in and not her,” he said, leaning down onto her neck completely, using his legs as an effort to not slide off.

“No, I told her that if she ever suggested such a thing again, I would strangle her with her own lyre. Stupid unicorn…” she muttered, hooves mashing at the couch below.

“Calm down Tavi, it’s not like she would come and take me, now is it?”

“No…” she mumbled, laying her head down on the arm of the couch. “I suppose she wouldn’t, would she?”

Anonymous continued scratching, figuring the question to be rhetorical. Soon the thump thump of her heart below him had settled into a gentler beat, along with her breathing. She would be well on her way to sleep, had thoughts not been running amuck.

“Anonymous?” she finally said, perking her ears up. A sign for him to stop scratching. “If another pony offered to take you off of my hooves, what would you say?”

Anonymous’s heart choked. This was dangerous territory. “Take me off of your hooves? I…” he said, considering his words carefully. “Well, with your blessing, I would say no.”

“Why is that?”

“Because, until you decide you don’t want me anymore, I think I’d prefer to stay with you.”

A strained silence hung in the air for several seconds, before she shifted her weight, sending the human down to the couch beside her. She turned around, laying down so that her chest was next to Anonymous, his head in the crook of her neck.

“If I had my way,” she said, wrapping a foreleg around the human, pulling him closer to her chest. “You would be mine and mine alone.”

They both lay there for a while, looking out unto her apartment’s living room. It was furnished comfortably. Nothing over the top, really, but it was certainly not a budget dwelling. The couch the two were laying on faced a coffee table, then a fireplace behind that. Just to the left was one of her cellos, propped up in the corner, waiting for her to start her afternoon practice.

This all dwindled in comparison to the human’s current predicament. At his size, the counters she used were just over his head in height. The logs she threw on the fires when they existed were nearly half his size, and he could lay upon the table with room in all directions. To say he was a pet wouldn’t be far from the truth, but she did her best not to treat him as such.

In her eyes, he was a companion. A coltfriend, even, though she’d not yet decided to tell him that bit of information. He of course did things here and there that he could, like cleaning dishes or sweeping while she was away. Both of which had required modifications to the dwelling and tools for him to use, but he did manage.

Yet, nothing was more satisfying or rewarding, than his current position. It was one that wasn’t common, but was well appreciated. Her soft coat on her chest hugged him just so, and the protective arm laying across him only serving to add to a sense of… completeness. Though he may be as small as a young filly or colt, she considered him far better company. No running about, destroying her things or giving her further frustrations.

Instead, he listened to her rants, comforted her, and even cuddled with her when she needed it. She considered him hers, but not as property, as a companion. She did not want to lose him, and she had the fairly accurate feeling that he didn’t want to lose her. They’d grown fond of each other, bonding heavily over the nearly two years he’d lived with her now.

“I’d be okay with that,” Anonymous finally said, pulling her foreleg close, hugging it.

Octavia sighed contently, perfectly happy with the ever nearing possibility of drifting off to sleep, her little human snuggled up against her chest. It was good to be home.

Pinkie Pie

“Twilight, you’ve got to stop her,” Anonymous said, bracing himself against the door to her library.

“Oh Anon, she’s harmless!” came the dismissive response from the purple unicorn. “The spell will wear off eventually.”

“But she won’t sto—“ thud. Thud. Thud. She’d made it to the door.

“Nooooony, are you in there?”

Anonymous looked at Twilight, pleading for asylum from the pink maned menace. She just rolled her eyes before answering the Amazonian sized pony.

“No, Pinkie, he’s not here. I think he went out to look for Rainbow Dash.”

“Okie doki loki!” Pinkie said, followed by a resounding thud as she bounded away, ground shaking in her wake. After the thuds had faded to nothing, Anonymous sighed, sliding down the door.

“Thanks Twilight.”

“Don’t mention it. I didn’t need her breaking down my door anyway.”

“You’re sure there’s no counter spell you could use? Something? Anything?”

“There are, sure, but it’s harmless! She’ll be back to normal in a day or so.”

“Harmless?! She broke into my house!”

“She’ll fix it, she always—“

“BROKE. INTO. MY HOUSE. I HAVE NO FRONT DOOR ANYMORE,” Anon hissed, looking at her like she was crazy.

“And it’ll be fixed, just like it always is. Why don’t you just give her what she wants?”

“Because I’ll never escape if I do!”

Had the door been heard by Twilight, she didn’t seem to care to point out who was on the other side. At least, not to Anonymous. If she did, she hid it well.

“She just wants a hug, Anon.”

“Nonnie!” Far too fast for Anonymous to react, Pinkie had smashed through the front of the library, knocking the door off of its hinges. “C’mere little cuddlebug!” she said, pawing around for the human. Instead of grabbing the human though, she managed to catch Twilight off guard. Not seeing who or what she’d caught, Twilight was promptly dragged outside. Peeking his head around the corner, Anon watched a nightmarish scene unfold.

“You lied to me,” Pinkie said, holding Twilight up with one hoof. Twilight grinned sheepishly, shrugging to the Pink mare that was easily twice her size. Pinkie returned the gesture, shrugging. In one swift motion, she opened her mouth, tossed Twilight in, closed her mouth again, and swallowed.

Anonymous stood there, dumbfounded. Pinkie had just eaten Twilight. Swallowed. Right down her gullet. Without a second thought. ‘Harmless?’ Anon thought again, bewildered at the nonchalantness Twilight had expressed. ‘Harmless?!’ Still rooted to his spot, he watched as the lump that had been Twilight rapidly disappeared down into the depths of Pinkie.

‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ he thought to himself. ‘The one pony that could fix this, and she eats her.’ As Pinkie rubbed her belly in satisfaction, Anon realized that it was time to make his move. Running as fast as his legs could carry him, he bolted past the distracted Pinkie. He had to warn the others.

“Noooony,” Pinkie said, getting back to her hooves. “Noooooooony,” she repeated, now bouncing slowly after him.

His legs aching with fire, Anonymous finally made it to Rarity’s boutique. ‘She’s a unicorn, right? Maybe she can do the spell?’

“Anonymous? Can I help you?” Rarity said, her and her younger sister eyeing the human with an understandable bewilderment.

“No time to explain,” he panted, bracing himself against the door. “Twilight’s been eaten, we have to get the reversal spell! It’s the only way!”

“Reversal spell? Whatever are you talking about?”

“No time! We have to do now!” he said, panicking as the thump thump of the approaching pink menace became audible once more.

“Very well. Sweetie, would you be a darling and clean up that cinnamon dust from your… experiment?” Sweetie nodded, bouncing off to a room the human cared little about. Now was not the time for distractions. “Alright, Anonymous,” Rarity said, returning her attention to the exasperated human. “You said we need to get to the library?”

“Yes! As fast as we can!”

“I’ll be just a moment then,” she said, running off to another room.

There was no time for this! Pinkie would be here any—

All thought processes were immediately ceased once the room had flooded with sunlight. Dust and debris falling around him, Anonymous shielded his head, ducking against the door for the little safety it might provide.

“There you are, Nonny!” Pinkie said, tossing the wall over her shoulder. “I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“Pinkie, is that you?” Rarity said, returning from her little side mission with a rather eloquent hat.

“No, Rarity, no!” Anonymous called out, but it was too late. Either she was stunned at the sight of the front wall of her boutique being ripped up save for the door, or she simply didn’t care. As Pinkie’s hoof descended, it changed from grabbing at Anonymous to grabbing Rarity. He ran towards her, trying to grab onto her tail or rear leg in an effort to save her. He missed though, landing face first where she had been.

Rolling over, he got a front row view of yet another disturbingly nonchalant scene. Pinkie didn’t even give Rarity the time of day before slipping her between her lips. She stopped once her tail was the only thing sticking out, apparently tasting her. Her cheeks bulged out from side to side, she shuddered once, then swallowed, slurping up Rarity’s tale like an estranged purple noodle.

The last thing Anonymous saw was Rarity’s hat wafting down beside him, before he too was swept up by the great Pink monsterhorse. She bounded with him for a while, the shaking knocking the air out of his lungs every time, not giving him much of an opportunity to voice his opinion. Not that he really had anything to say. He knew he was doomed to be a snack too, just like Twilight and Rarity.

Once everything had stopped spinning and he had a chance to get his wits about him, Anonymous shook his head, taking in his surroundings. He was now on top of something incredibly plush, soft, and warm, but there was little light, save for streaks of sunlight coming through cracks in a ceiling he could quite make out.

Attempting to roll over, he found that his lower half was stuck. Looking down, he realized, to his horror, that the thing that was impeding his movement, was a large, pink, hoof. The more he looked around, the more disturbed he became. He was atop Pinkie’s belly, her hoof holding him down while she lightly snored.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he realized just where he was. There was a Pinkie sized hole in the wall, but the Apple’s barn had remained fairly unscathed. Movement from below prompted Anonymous to look down at the big, lightly gurgling belly in horror, remembering what Pinkie had done previously.

“Uh, partner?”

“What? No! Run!” Anonymous yelled, struggling to find the source of the voice before it awoke Pinkie. “Run! You’ve still got a chance!”

What followed, instead of the rapid fading of hooves that he’d hoped for, was instead a giggle. A fairly recognizable, southern giggle.

“I don’t think I’ve got much to worry about there, Anon. Looks like Pinkie has ya right where she wants ya,” AJ said, giggling again.

Shaking his head, Anonymous looked around again for the source of the voice. This time, he found AJ standing over him, looking down. Looking around, Anonymous took inventory on his surroundings one more time, finding no gurgling pink belly, nor any Pinkie sized hole in the wall. He did however, find a pink hoof draped across his side. Rolling over, he found Pinkie snuggled up to his back, regular sized and sleeping fairly soundly.

“It was all a dream?” Anon said, looking from the sleeping mare to AJ.

“What was?”

Anonymous would’ve answered, had Pinkie not yawned widely in her sleep. It was an extended yawn, as the human had enough time to whip his head around and come face to face with Pinkie’s maw, dangling uvula and all. After smacking her lips and finishing her yawn, Anonymous answered the apple pony.

“You know what, I’ll tell you later.”

Applejack

"Will you quit your jabberin and just get on with it?"

"I'm not the one who's complaining here, just pointing out the fact that you even have this... fantasy is weird."

"If you didn't want to do this, all you had to do was say so!" AJ said, grumbling as one of her powerful hooves kicked at the floor.

This had been entirely her idea, one that she would've never even spoken about had you not found the saddle. For a land with no humans, it was a bit more than strange for a pony to have... well, a pony play fantasy.

"One more time, just so I can make sure I understand. You want me to ride you like a wild mare?"

"It sounds dirty when you say it like that!" AJ huffed, blushing with a mixture of anger and embarrassment.

"You know what I mean. You want me to hop on your back, hold onto your mane while you try to throw me off, right?"

"Yeah," she muttered, looking at the ground. "I know it sounds weird, but there's just something exciting that makes my skin crawl when I see you riding other ponies."

"To be fair, Spike rides Twilight."

"It's not the same and you know it."

"Alright, alright, how do you want to do this?"

"Just climb on and hold on," AJ said, leaning down to give the human some footing. "I'll take you out back so that we'll be left alone and I can get this stupid idea out of my head."

"It's not stupid to have a fantasy about something," the human said, gripping her mane as he got comfortable on her shoulders. "It's perfectly natural to fanta-"

"Will you quit saying 'fantasy' and 'fantasize'? You make it sound so perverted!" she hissed, walking out of the barn. The human was silent. Smug, but silent. Of course he would help out AJ, but he was going to have at least a little fun too. "Alright, we're here," she said, the walk seeming like it was all too short for how deep in the orchard they now were. "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Hold on," she said, leaning forward. The human did as instructed, clenching his legs to her neck for dear life, not to mention gripping her mane like it was his lifeline. He could feel her toned muscles flush with energy as she started her jump. Her powerful legs thrust her body upwards, the human's legs barely holding on as she began the wild ride. She jumped a few times, kicking and bucking as the human bounced around on her back. A kind of primal instinct took over, giving her an adrenaline rush she'd never felt before. That tingling in her spine only added to the affect, getting her to run at top speed, stopping only to jump and buck to try and throw the human off.

Anonymous gripped and held fast, not realizing how pent up the little fantasy must have actually been. As he bounced and flew through the air on more than a couple occasions, it occurred to him why AJ hadn't asked Spike to do this. She probably would've broken the little dragon, if not terrified Twilight with the thought.

These were secondary thoughts though, his main focus was more aligned with not landing on his testicles every time she jumped and bucked. His thighs were already sore, and AJ was only just now starting to get into it. She would grunt and pant with each kick, becoming more determined with each attempt to throw the human off. She could feel her energy peaking, nearing some kind of euphoria as all of her pent up energy was finally nearing release. Just as she approached this euphoria though, she stopped. Panting, she stood there, her body strained from the activity thus far.

"AJ?" Anonymous asked, panting himself as his legs made him aware of how sore they really were. "You okay?"

The apple pony didn't respond verbally, instead giving a powerful snort as she resumed her previous endeavors to remove the human. The more she fought to kick the human off, the more she realized she didn't want him to be thrown off. Not for his safety or anything like that, but because something in that euphoria told her that it would be worth it. She was terrified of this idea, not knowing completely what it was; but here she was, about to hit it head on and there was no stopping her now.

She was too close to stop now. Even if she wanted to, she was pretty sure her body would continue despite her brain's impulses to stop. She wanted this to ha— no, needed this to happen. She wanted to know who would give way first, herself or the human. She knew she could overpower the human had they been in a fight of some kind, but this was different. He being on her back sent her to new levels of fear and obsession. She wanted to know who would win in this battle of muscle and determination.

The human, who was essentially a ragdoll in a washing machine at this point, was now very carefully reconsidering his offer. AJ had requested he do this, and had come to him in private to ask. The almost obligatory feeling was now being overridden by wonder as to how far AJ was going to take this little fantasy.

"AJ!"

Both the human and the pony he was riding stopped dead in their tracks. AJ's mane was disheveled, her body screaming for more, but she was about to choke on her stomach as she dialed in on the source of the voice. The human spotted her first though, a cyan pegasus wafting down towards the clearing they were in.

"What're you two doing?" Rainbow asked, hovering just a few feet from the ground.

AJ stood there, dumbfounded at how she was going to explain herself to the pegasus. All hope of keeping this fantasy secret now shot, she could only stare at Rainbow. Her skin twitched under the human, reminding him just how numb he was as his body shifted.

"I was just showing AJ some of the ways humans had fun back on Earth."

"Fun?" the pegasus repeated, lowering herself a little bit more. "How is having a human ride you fun, AJ?"

"Listen," Anonymous said, taking the stand for AJ. "This is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."

Fluttershy

“This is your last warning, foul plant! That gold does not belong to you; I will see it returned to its rightful owner!”

“The plant-monster-tentacle thing screeched with displeasure, clutching the hunk of golden treasure even tighter. It takes a defensive stance, ready to defend its bounty.”

“I lunge at thee!” the human paused, lowering his arms to look up to Fluttershy. “Can you roll for me? I don’t wanna knock the die off the table again.” The yellow pony nodded, casually tossing the twenty-sided die just in front of her rulebook. “Seriously? A natural one?” the human groaned, letting his plastic sword hit the table.

“I’m afraid so, Anonymous. The monster takes your sword, tossing it to the side. It rushes to attack!” Fluttershy rolled the die, watching wearily as it spun on a corner. “Twelve,” the quiet pony mumbled, checking her book. “The plant lunges for you, but hits your shield. The shield is weakened, but intact.”

Fluttershy looked to Angel, currently wearing armor fashioned of leaves and twigs. He jumped towards the human, attack carrot raised like a spear. The human prepared himself, holding his bottlecap-shield as the bunny charged. The carrot impacted, knocking the human on his rear; but he did not drop his shield.

“Angel! That was a bit rougher than we agreed on,” the Pegasus scolded. “I know you wanted to play the monster, but this is still just a game.” The bunny huffed, walking back to his corner of the make-shift board.

“It’s not a big deal, Fluttershy,” the human said, rising once again. “Besides, while I was on the ground, I attempted to get my sword back!” Fluttershy smiled, clopping her hooves together. Rolling the die again, the human watched as luck finally shifted in his favor.

“A natural twenty!” she squeaked, flipping through the various character sheets. “You get your sword back so fast, you’re able to free the treasure from the monster’s grasp!”

“Booyeah!” Anonymous shouted, picking his sword up. He combat rolled up to Angel, swiping the plastic sword at the bunny’s guarded treasure. With a crack, the twig-cage shattered, freeing the succulent golden marvel. The human made to reach for the prize, but quickly found a carrot pointed at his head.

“The monster stops you from getting the prize just yet,” Fluttershy announced, watching Angel continue character acting. Before she rolled the d20, or even stated what was to happen next, the bunny moved to strike Anonymous.

Thinking quickly, the human raised his bottlecap shield, blocking the initial blow. This one had a bit more force behind it, shaking the tiny human against the table. As Angel reared back for another strike, the human rolled away, sword held close. Standing back up, he glared at the twig-clad bunny.

“Oh, it’s on.” The human struck a defensive pose, sword and shield at the ready. Angel made the mightiest roar he could, charging the human. “You won’t get me with those big, pointy teeth, Caerbannog!” the human shouted, holding fast. He waited for the bunny to get deathly close before twisting to the side, dodging the spear-headed charge.

Angel was not deterred though. While he missed the initial attack, he was quick to slow his charge and brake. Turning around, he prepared another attack, this time bearing his teeth. Anonymous’ reaction was on point again, twisting as the bunny charged past him. This time, he took a swing with his sword, rapping the bunny on his back as he passed.

The bunny was a bit more than upset. Turning around again, he held his attack carrot above his head, squeaking his battle cry. This time, when he rushed the human, he jumped just before the attack. While not very high, it was enough that Angel could turn around in midair, landing a rough blow on the human’s back.

Anonymous fell forward, still processing what had just happened. He’d been outsmarted by a rabbit is what happened! Having his honor in question, he rolled to the side just in time to dodge the follow up attack. Standing up, his plastic sword met Angel’s carrot, locking the two in a battle for more secure footing.

Just as the human’s heart had sped up though, the ground left him. Both he and Angel had been plucked from their battle by Fluttershy, one in each hoof. Sighing in defeat, the human dropped his sword and shield to the table below. Angel was not so quick to give up though, swinging his attack carrot angrily at the dangling human.

“I think that’s enough adventure for one day, don’t you?” she asked, looking from Angel to Anonymous. “Besides, Mr. Mousey was able to get his cheese back,” she continued, looking down to the gaming board. The mouse was already feasting on the chunk of cheese that had served as the treasure, his tiny mandolin already tossed to the side.

“I was winning though!” Anonymous pouted, much to Angel’s annoyance. The rabbit, currently suspended by his ears, folded his arms and began munching on his attack carrot. Looking to Fluttershy, the human folded his arms in defeat. “Fiiiine.”

“I think you both were doing very well,” Fluttershy continued, smiling as she recalled the bunny battle that had just occurred.

“Maybe we should invite another pony or two to our next game night?” the human offered, conjuring up ideas as both he and Angel were set back down on the table. “Your animal friends might be the perfect size for me, but I think even Rainbow Dash might hold off on trampling me with a carrot.”

Angel stuck his tongue out, turning and jumping off the table.

Fluttershy’s cheeks turned an impossible shade of red, followed by her mane shifting to cover more of her face.

“Don’t tell me you’re embarrassed about game night,” the human said, dumbfounded. When the Pegasus said nothing, the human dropped his previously folded arms in disbelief. “But we’ve had so much fun! Besides, you’re not embarrassed playing with me, are you?”

“Oh, no no no! Never!” the docile pony piped up. “You’re different though; you enjoy playing these games. I don’t think anypony else would ever be interested in things like this.”

“Seriously?” Anonymous said, jaw agape. “Twilight, the huge nerd that she is wouldn’t be interested in a game like this? Do you know how many books are involved with this game? Not to mention all the rules and regulations!” the human continued, half-laughing. “She might explode with happiness if you offered to invite her. I’ll bet she’s more into it than you are!”

“W-well, maybe; but what about everypony else? I don’t want anyone to be left out – what would the others think?”

“You don’t know until you ask. I bet you could come up with a game or two that even Rainbow Dash would be interested in playing. Besides, not everyone has to play. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean you have to be ashamed of it.”

“Wh-what about my animals then? Who’s going to watch over them?”

“Game night is every Tuesday, Fluttershy. How do your animal friends get along without you here anyway?” the human inquired, shoving that question to the back of his mind for later. “You could even bring some along! I’d be honored to fight alongside the great bard Mousey again!” he said, gesturing to the mouse. The very same mouse that was now experiencing postprandial somnolence. On his back. Come to think of it, he hadn’t done much during that last boss battle…

Fluttershy shifted on her hooves, thinking over what had been said. Ultimately, the decision probably wasn’t going to be made tonight; but at least the seeds had been planted. It was worth a shot, if anything to simply get Fluttershy out and about more.

“Tell you what – sleep on it. We’re in no rush, and we’ve got plenty of time until next game night to figure out what we want to do.”

“Promise you won’t tell anypony else about our game nights before then?”

“Something something, cupcake in my eye?”

“Okay,” Fluttershy said, settling back down on her side of the board.

“Besides, I need to find my holy hand grenade for next time.”

Author's Note

I don't even know.