Trixie and Spike go down the hooooole!
Spike studied a grid of old, rotted wooden boards standing amid a patch of crimson weeds, stroking his scaly chin thoughtfully.
A sign next to the boards read:
OLD ABANDONED WELL
CAUTION: FALLING DANGER
FOALS SHOULD NOT PLAY NEAR WELL
Spike, of course, was not stupid. There was no reason he'd conceivably ever go anywhere near an old abandoned well. After all, wells were deep. And dark. And slimy. And scary. All in all, he'd rather do just about anything else than be anywhere near a deep, dark, slimy, scary old abandoned well.
There was just one problem:
He could smell gems. Not just any gems, but baby blue point diamonds, the rarest and most delicious of gems. He'd only been fortunate enough to eat one baby blue point diamond in his entire young life, and he would never forget that flavor. Delicate, yet rich, piquant with just a hint of spicy sweetness.
And the aroma! It was like nothing else in the world. It was heavenly, tantalizing.
There were baby blue point diamonds in that old abandoned well.
Common sense told him that breaking into an old abandoned well to go gem hunting was insane. Suicidal, even.
Common sense told him to get Twilight or Rarity to come help him liberate those sweet, sweet treasures.
But Rarity would want them for her boutique, and Twilight was too busy reading her shiny new copy of The Awkward Teenage Pegasus' Guide To Wingboners, given to her by Rainbow Dash after one too many...incidents with her new wings.
And Spike really wanted those diamonds. The sooner, the better.
As the hungry little dragon contemplated his dilemma, a voice crashed through his thoughts like a rampaging bull wrecking a china shop:
"FINALLY! THE GREAT! AND POWERFUL! TRIXIE! HAS RETURNED TO PONYVILLE!!"
Spike groaned. "Oh man...not her again..."
Spike grimaced as the infamous showmare trotted imperiously over to him. "YOU THERE!" Trixie bellowed. "You are Twilight Sparkle's pet lizard, are you not?"
Spike gave her a flat, deadly glare. "I'm a dragon. And I'm not her pet. I'm her number one, most valuable assistant."
"Yes, of course you are, and that's adorable," Trixie said dismissively. "Make yourself useful and take Trixie to Twilight Sparkle."
"Take yourself, I'm busy," Spike grumbled.
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "You do not appear to Trixie to be busy. To Trixie, it appears that you are merely standing by an old abandoned well."
"Yeah? Well I'd rather stand by this old well all day than spend five minutes leading you anywhere. Besides, why do you even need a guide? You know where the library is."
"The Great And Powerful TRIXIE!...has forgotten," Trixie said simply.
Spike rolled his eyes. "So ask for directions."
Trixie sat down on the ground beside him. "Trixie knows you live with Twilight Sparkle," she said. "Trixie believes that you will likely go home eventually, probably before dark. That, or Twilight Sparkle will come looking for you. Therefore, Trixie will sit right here and wait. When you go home, Trixie will follow you."
Spike stared at her with half-lidded eyes. "Seriously?"
"The Great And Powerful Trixie is ALWAYS serious!"
Spike sighed. *Well, THIS certainly su—hold on a second!* Spike studied Trixie, peering at her horn. Her incompetent, mind-bogglingly worthless horn, incapable of performing even a fraction of the magnificent magical feats Twilight Sparkle was capable of. But she was still a unicorn, and even the most inept unicorns could do at least one spell right—and it just so happened to be exactly the spell he needed.
But could he really trust such an important mission to the Pathetic And Useless Trixie?
After five full minutes of silent indecision, Spike realized that he didn't really have a choice. He cleared his throat. "Alright. I'll take you to see Twilight. IF you help me with something very important."
Trixie tilted her head curiously at him. "And what is this important task you would have Trixie perform? Do you wish a rival dragon slain? Are you seeking a valuable artifact? Has Twilight Sparkle entrusted the very fate of Equestria in your tiny claws?" She stood and trotted in a circle around him, head raised imperiously. "There is no task so great that it is beyond the mystical might of the GREAT! AND POWERFUL! TRIXIE!"
"I just need to dig up some diamonds from the bottom of this well," Spike said.
Trixie's eyes lit up. "Diamonds?"
"Yyyyeah, you don't get the diamonds."
Trixie threw back her head and sniffed indignantly. "As if Trixie is motivated by such base greed..."
Spike sighed. "You can have one diamond. IF there are enough down there to share."
"Very well," the showmare said. "Trixie agrees to your terms." She tilted her head. "But how can you be so certain there are even diamonds IN this well?"
"I can smell them," Spike said, a bit of drool escaping his lips as his mouth watered.
Trixie raised an eyebrow at him. "You are very strange," she informed the young dragon.
"Coming from you that's a compliment," Spike replied. "So, uh...the sooner we get those diamonds, the sooner you get to pester Twilight."
With an indignant sniff, Trixie seized the ancient well cover in her magic and lifted it, revealing a circle of ancient, smooth stones surrounding a deep, pitch-black hole. The old, rotted wood disintegrated into a pile of moldy splinters as she lowered it to the ground. "Do you suppose we will get into trouble for that?"
Spike shrugged. "Not if we're out of here before anypony notices." He tottered up to the well and hopped onto the edge, peering down. He inhaled deeply, and his eyes gleamed. "Yeah, they're down there alright. They smell so delicious..."
Trixie blinked. "Delicious?" She raised a hoof. "You're...you're going to eat them?"
Spike hopped back down onto the ground. "Well, yeah," he said. "I'm a dragon. I love eating jewels."
Trixie shook her head. "Such a waste..."
"So, you gonna help, or what?"
"Trixie did not know you planned to eat the diamonds," Trixie said. With a sigh, she added, "But, as they say, a deal's a deal." She frowned. "So, exactly how do you propose we find these diamonds at the bottom of a pitch-black well?"
Spike scratched his chin. "Oh yeah...I don't guess you can levitate something if you don't know exactly where it is, huh?" Looking past Trixie, he spotted her travel wagon. "Hey, do you still do that rope trick?"
"Trixie does not perform mere tricks, young reptile!" Trixie proclaimed. "The Great And Powerful TRIXIE is a master of mystic feats—"
"Yes or no."
"Yes. Yes, Trixie does."
Spike nodded. "How about lowering me into the well on a rope? Then I can dig up the diamonds and you can bring me back up."
Trixie frowned thoughtfully. "Yes...Trixie supposes that would work."
A few minutes later, Spike was slowly descending into the depths of the pitch-black well, clutching tightly to a rope wreathed in a pale pinkish-gray glow. As soon as his feet touched the cold, slimy muck at the bottom of the well, he let go of the rope. "Okay, do the light spell now!" he called.
A wobbly blob of light dripped from Trixie's horn and floated down the well, coming to a stop just above Spike's head. The dragon looked down at the ugly, green-black mud at his feet...and to his horror, discovered that it was speckled with bright, shiny flecks of powder-blue crystalline dust. "Oh no," he said, eyes filling with tears.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Trixie asked.
Ignoring her, Spike began digging through the mud, throwing blobs of crystal-flecked gunk every which way. "No, no, no, no, NO!" he cried. After a few minutes of frantic digging, he belly-flopped into the slime, dejected. "There aren't any diamonds down here," he complained. "Just diamond dust in the mud."
"In that case, hurry and come up from there so you can fulfill your end of our bargain," Trixie said imperiously.
"Yeah yeah," Spike sighed. "I'm coming..."
As Trixie waited patiently for Spike to climb the rope, a fluffy white bunny rabbit hopped by. It noticed her, stopped, and hopped over to peer up at her. Trixie noticed the rabbit, and raised an eyebrow at it. "Yes?"
The rabbit pointed at the pile of debris that used to be the well cover, and tapped a foot, frowning.
"It is not as if Trixie has destroyed anything important!"
The rabbit hopped away. Trixie shook her head. "Every creature in this town is overly critical of Trixie..." She snorted in irritation. "Climb faster, minion of Twilight! Trixie wishes to depart for more pressing matters!"
"Then maybe you could haul up the rope?" Spike retorted archly.
"Oh. Yes. Of course." Trixie began raising the rope with her magic. Without thinking, she placed her front hooves on the lip of the well and peered down into its depths to better guide the dragon's ascent.
The rabbit returned, wielding a water pistol. It positioned itself behind the unicorn, carefully took aim, and unleashed a freezing blast of water at a very tender, personal part of Trixie's anatomy.
"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Trixie yelped, pupils shrinking to pinpricks. Her concentration shattered, the rope bearing the baby dragon plummeted into the well...followed seconds later by Trixie herself, who had unthinkingly jolted forward after being squirted. Her hooves slid out from under her and she plunged face-first down the well, legs scrabbling and skidding along the slick walls of the well to no avail.
For his part, Spike looked up to see the light far above rapidly disappearing, eclipsed by a falling, flailing pony. "Oh man," he moaned. He quickly hugged the wall of the well, praying Trixie's Great And Powerful Plot was not about to squash him.
The well was not especially wide. For Spike, it had been easy enough to scrabble around in the mud at the bottom, if not particularly spacious. Even a foal would at least be able to stand and pace around in a circle, for all the good it would do.
A full-grown mare, however, would be forced to contort her body to a ridiculous degree to even stand on all fours in the well. So it was that when Trixie landed, splattering cold, slimy mud everywhere, she was forced to sit on her haunches, scrunched up against one side of the well, muzzle-to-snout with Spike, who suddenly found he had absolutely no room to move around at all.
"The Great And Powerful Trixie...has an ouchie."
"Well this is fun," Spike muttered.
"Your breath stinks of sulfur," Trixie complained.
"Well, yeah...I'm a dragon. We breathe fire."
"Hmph." Trixie attempted to turn away in a huff, but realized she lacked the proper elbow room to display sufficient annoyance. "This is quite the mess you've gotten us into."
Spike rolled his eyes. "Nopony asked you to jump down the well." He looked up at the dark, smooth walls of the well. "So...any idea how we're gonna get outta here?"
"Of COURSE Trixie has ideas! Trixie is full of ideas! Trixie has so many ideas, Trixie's head is—"
"So in other words, no," Spike interrupted. He fished around at their feet in the mud and pulled out the rope. It slurped as it surfaced. Spike grimaced. "Well, the rope's no good. Even if we could anchor it up there with your magic, it's...just too slimy to hold onto."
"We can BUILD A LADDER!" Trixie proclaimed triumphantly.
"Out of what?" Spike asked.
Trixie shifted. "Um...Trixie had not thought of that."
"Couldn't you just teleport us out?" Spike asked.
Trixie glared at him. "Teleportation, my ignorant little friend, is an extremely complicated and precise affair. One does not simply teleport at a whim. It takes enormous focus to channel the required energies. It takes dozens of calculations. It takes the ability to picture one's intended destination with pinpoint precision. Only the greatest unicorns may even attempt such dangerous and powerful magic, and then only in times of most dire need! Not even Trixie dares to meddle with such unstable spells!"
"Twilight Sparkle teleports downstairs for breakfast every morning," Spike said. "And sometimes she teleports around the library just because she's too lazy to walk. She teleports at least fifteen times a day, for no good reason."
Trixie's left eye twitched. "Yes. Well..." She seemed to be struggling for an appropriate response. At length, she belted out, "TWILIGHT SPARKLE HAS COOTIES!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "I don't suppose you could float me out of the well so I can get help?"
"And have you leave Trixie here to DIE?"
"I'd get help and come back for you, honest!"
Trixie grimaced and looked away. "It doesn't matter. Trixie...is not skilled at long-distance levitation."
Spike faceclawed. "Just what are you good for, then?"
"How impertinent! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE has many talents!"
"Oh yeah? Like what?" Spike challenged.
Trixie paused. "Well...Trixie knows many spells! And...Trixie is very good with magical fireworks! And Trixie is a businessmare nonpareil! And...and..." She faltered. "And...Trixie is...pretty?"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Greeeeeat. We can use your silky mane to save our lives."
"We would not even BE in this ridiculous situation if YOU hadn't decided you just had to have a bunch of diamonds which don't even exist!" Trixie shouted, spraying flecks of spittle at Spike.
Spike glared at her. "Back off unless you want to see me breathe fire," he warned. He looked at the rope, which was still coated in slimy mud that glittered with diamond dust. "Hmmm..."
The rope began to glow pink, and the mud sloughed off it, revealing pristine hemp fibers. "Trixie can at least do that."
"Well, that's something, anyway," Spike said. "But how can we use this to get out?"
"I can only think of one way for us to escape this well," Trixie said. Before Spike could ask, she inflated her lungs and screeched, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!"
Spike covered his ears and winced. "Yeah, I don't think that's—"
"SOMEPONY SAVE TRIXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!"
"There's nopony up there—"
"TRIXIE IS TOO GREAT AND POWERFUL TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!"
Spike spat a tiny green fireball in Trixie's face, enough to get her attention without burning her. "Are you done being a pain in the tail?" he asked flatly.
Trixie coughed, blinking dazedly at the little dragon. A tiny spot of soot marred her muzzle. "That was uncalled for."
"Do you think you can levitate one end of this rope up to the top of the well, and hold it steady with your magic?" Spike asked.
Trixie frowned. "Trixie...will try..." Grimacing, Trixie seized the rope in her magic and commanded it to snake upward. The top of the rope soon reached the lip of the well far above. "That's...the best I can do."
"Great! Just keep it steady." With a little effort, Spike was able to wriggle his way up the rope, using the slickness of the well to slide out of his uncomfortable proximity to Trixie. Spike started climbing in earnest, grunting with exertion. He was more than halfway to the top when the magical aura faded from the rope, and it—and Spike—fell back to the bottom of the well. He landed on Trixie's head, then slid down her back and landed directly on her flank. "Ugh," he complained. "Lucky for me you're fat..."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Trixie roared, looking back at him with unholy fires of feminine wrath in her eyes.
"Nothing!" Spike squeaked.
Trixie snorted indignantly. "So, I suppose because of your incompetence and greed, we are doomed to die here in this disgusting old well."
"No, we're going to get out of here," Spike said. He sighed. "If I just had some parchment and a quill..."
"Oh yes, I suppose a random pony would just happen past and read a note that says we're trapped in a well?" Trixie asked archly.
"No, I could send a letter to Princess Celestia," Spike said. "I send letters with my fire breath all the time..."
Trixie blinked. "Seriously?"
"Yep!" Spike said. "I could probably even manage to send it to Twilight directly, though I haven't actually tried that yet."
Trixie frowned. "Trixie...could...try to fetch parchment and a quill down here, but..." She sighed. "Oh, who am I kidding? My magic can't reach that far."
"Are you sure?" Spike asked. "I seem to remember you shooting off some pretty impressive fireworks that one time..."
Trixie snorted. "Fireworks are easy," she said. "There's absolutely no effort involved in a basic pyrotechnic illusion. They have no mass, they're just showy flashes of light..."
Spike's eyes lit up. "That's it! THAT'S how we're getting out of here!"
Trixie blinked. "Say again?"
"Your fireworks!" Spike said enthusiastically. "If you just keep shooting fireworks up out of the well, sooner or later somepony will come to investigate, and then we'll be saved!"
Trixie lifted her head, eyes alight. "Yes...yes, that could work!" She struggled to her hooves, heedless of the limited space (and the dragon who suddenly found himself squashed between her rear end and the wall of the well), and raised her horn proudly toward the fading light far above. "BEHOLD, SMALL REPTILE! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE SHALL SAVE US!" Trixie's horn began to glow, and streams of brilliant, sparkly fireworks shot up the well, exploding high above.
Fifteen minutes passed, with Trixie struggling to keep up her pyrotechnic performance. Just as Spike was certain Trixie would falter, a familiar rainbow mane peeked over the edge of the well. "What the hay's goin' on down there?"
"RAINBOW DASH!" Spike cried. "You gotta save us!"
"Spike?" Rainbow asked, blinking. "Who's 'us'? Who's down there with you?" She gasped. "Oh my gosh, Twilight? Are you trapped down there too?"
"If it was Twilight, we'd've teleported out already," Spike pointed out. "It's Trixie."
Rainbow Dash tilted her head. "Trixie?!"
"Yes, it is I, the GREAT AND POWERFUL oh forget it, just please get us OUT of here."
A half hour later, Spike and Trixie were finally freed from the well, around which a sizeable crowd of ponies had gathered. There were cheers, jeers, and goodly amounts of laughter all around.
Twilight Sparkle rushed forward and seized Spike in a bonecrushing hug. "Oh, SPIKE! I'm so glad you're alright!" She held him at arm's length and gave him a hard stare. "What were you THINKING, playing around an old abandoned well? And YOU," she said, turning her royal glare on Trixie, "WHAT on EARTH possessed you to endanger a helpless, innocent baby dragon?"
"Chill, Twilight," Spike said. "It's totally my fault." He turned to Trixie, head bowed. "Look, I...I'm sorry I got us into that stupid mess." He paused. "And I'm sorry I called you fat."
Trixie gave him a long, measuring stare. "Apology accepted," she said. "And...I'm sorry you didn't find your diamonds." She then did a double-take at Twilight.
"Twilight Sparkle...since when do you have wings?"
