The Nerds Fable

And this would be?

I woke up hanging upside down. I looked up and saw a foot lightly encased in what appeared to be ice. After a moment of staring I realized, that the foot, which was covered in white fur, was coming off of furry white leg, which was attached to a furry white torso, which I seemed to have the point of view of.

After realizing that it was my foot encased in ice, I started using my other foot to kick and claw at the ice around it. Then I realized I was CLAWING at it! I started kicking and scratching even harder and faster until the ice broke and I fell down on my head.

Rolling over, I began to look around. I was in some sort of cave made of ice. It seemed like a carbon copy of the cave the space yeti dragged Luke to in Star Wars episode 5, with the bones and everything. The only thing missing was a one armed white monster. Upon thinking on that for a moment I realized that I now had white fur, and seemed taller and beefier from before. That guy sure seemed to have a sense of humor.

Looking over myself more I realized I had grown an extra pair of arms. All four were thick, and beefy, like the arms of a gorilla, or a girallon.

I began hyperventilating. That was too real, too detailed. I felt too awake. I pinched and kicked myself repeatedly trying desperately to wake myself up. After five minutes of this I settled down and began to think rationally again.

“Okay… So I’m a girallon, I’m in a strange white cave, if that guy was telling the truth I’m in Equestria, or a neighboring country. I have no supplies, and I’m probably in some sort of wilderness since there aren’t usually caves in heavily populated areas. Or in Florida at least.”

I took a moment to marvel at how different my voice sounded from before. As a human I had a higher voice, more like a typical teenager. But now I sounded like Arnold Shwarzenegger without the accent. It felt weird having a voice so deep. I could feel the vibrations in my throat much more than before.

“I’ll be back.” I chuckled to myself after saying that line in the best Austrian accent I could muster. “I let him go.” More humor, always works.

By now I had completely calmed down. I was even beginning to think this could end up being a good thing. Life was getting pretty dreary back home. My only regret was being so sarcastic to the guy who sent me here and ending up a giant four armed gorilla.

After some more thought I decided to go and find the nearest town so I could get supplies. While I suspected my giant gorilla fists would most likely be an extremely effective weapon, I also rationalized that it might not be that good idea to parry sword hits with a bare hand, so I would need weapons. I would also see if I could get some armor of sorts. And food would also be something to nice to have.

I climbed out of the cave, and I saw it was mid day. I looked around some before noticing some train tracks several hundred meters off. I ran to them, after all, train tracks meant civilization. And civilization meant stuff.

I couldn’t decide which way I should go, after all, I don’t know which way goes where. So I took a leap of faith and turned left.

As I walked my back was began to get sore. I then remembered gorillas walk on all fours, using arms for propulsion. That would explain it.

Leaning forward I put my fists in the snow, all four of them. I pushed off from my back feet and swung forward, planting them in front of me. I then pushed off with my arms and planted them in front of my feet. I repeated the process about ten times slowly, and then I started speeding up. Around fifty they felt completely natural and I was lumbering along at a steady pace. I didn’t think I was quite ready to run yet so I just lumbered along for several hours following the tracks.

As I went I wondered where I was. Since the only snowy wasteland type biome ever shown on the show was near at the Crystal Empire, I guessed I was most likely heading towards or away from it. Hopefully towards, I was getting hungry.

After going about five miles or so, I heard an odd sound behind me. I turned around just in time to block a tackle from a large white form. It still knocked me down, but it didn’t manage to bite me. I flailed my lower right arm at it and smacked it away before it jumped on top of me. I got up and saw it was a large polar bear. It was rubbing the side of its face with a paw, probably because with muscle size and density in my new arms I could overturn a semi. It planted its paws and growled at me. I did the first thing that I thought of, I roared at it. It lasted about ten seconds; I opened up my maw and let loose a rumble that would put a tyrannosaur to shame. Spittle flew out of my mouth and landed all over the bears face as I let out all the anger that wasn’t there a second before.

Several seconds passed with the polar bear just staring at me, and then it turned tail and ran. I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly began chasing after it as fast as I could, at least four times as fast as I was going before. I reached the bear, and jumped over it, flying fifteen feet through the air, and landing in front of it. Before it could stop or turn around I brought up both my right fists and punched it as hard as I could in the neck and head. I heard a loud cracking sound and the bear flew ten feet landing in a heap in the snow. I approached it, and unceremoniously slung it over my back and continued on my way. Not at all daunted by the fact I had killed a polar bear in ten seconds flat with my bare hands.

I finally reached the Crystal Empire after another hours travel. I stared in complete awe as I saw the castle come up over the horizon as I approached. It was dazzling, and blinding. When my eyes came to the suns reflection off of it I couldn’t see. I had to stop for five minutes and guard my vision with another arm as I approached.

I entered the city with no resistance. After all, who in their right mind would approach a seven foot, four armed gorilla with a mutilated polar bear over his shoulder. I was even given an extremely wide berth by most of the ponies as I passed by. Not that I blamed them.

I decide that to be able to get anything done I would have to ask a question, so I asked a passing stallion where I could sell the bear. He just stuttered and backed up. I tried to tell him I wouldn’t hurt him but he just turned tail and ran off screaming about giant white monsters. This would be harder than I thought.

I finally came under the castle. There were a couple of guards positioned by the entrance so, believing them to be made of tougher stuff than civilians I decided to ask one of them. I got a wide eyed stare but neither ran off when I approached.

“Halt! You may not enter without the permission of princess or prince.” Said one.

“Don’t worry, I don’t want in, do you know where I could sell this thing?” I asked calmly and with a smirk.

“My brother works at general store, he might be able to give you something for it, but I wouldn’t get your hopes too high,” neither of the guards said it. I looked around to see who did. “Up here.” I looked up and saw an orange griffin hovering in the air just out of my reach. Once again I don’t blame him.

“Ugh thanks, um…”

“Martin. If you need directions just follow me.”

“Ok, thanks, Martin.”

I looked back at the guards. Both had gone back to staring straight ahead with an emotionless expression. Giving them a quick mock salute I lumbered off following the griffin to wherever he was going.

As we went I noticed him staring at me. Whenever I turned toward him he looked away quickly though. From what I could tell, it wasn’t fear or apprehension, but interest. I guessed griffins are probably made of tougher stuff than ponies since they have claws, and are larger, and eat meat. Or at least, I was pretty sure they did. Lions and eagles are both carnivorous after all.

We went down a few side streets and eventually came to a large two story building, a sign that said open hung in a window, and behind it I saw various knickknacks including snow globes, multi colored wool arranged in a rainbow, and crystal chunks of various sizes.

I opened the door and squeezed inside. I had to hunch a bit more than usual to avoid hitting my head on the lighting. When the door opened a small bell rang, and a blue griffin trotted out of a back room.

“Ah hello Martin, I see you brought back a customer. Bout time you made yourself useful.”

“He was looking for someone to buy this polar bear. I didn’t do anything but tell him and lead him back.”

“But that is all that needs to be done by you. I am the haggler aren’t I?”

“What will you give me for a polar bear with a crushed skull and broken neck?”

“Let me see.”

I heaved the bear up on the counter, and he began looking at it. He opened its mouth, smelled its fur, felt its fur, and for some reason took a peek under the tale.

“Two hundred bits for the bear, and I won’t go any higher!”

“Deal.”

This seemed to stun him a little as though he was expecting a haggle. “All right then, let me go get the money.”

He disappeared into the back and came out again a minute later with a bag of bits. I took them and assisted him in taking it into the back room. After that I browsed some of his wares to see if I could find anything useful. I found some iron gauntlets made to fit a minotaur, a steel sledgehammer, also made for minotaurs, and a strap to hold it. Overall I spent ninety of my two hundred bits.

After that I went and found a tailor, and had a large backpack made that fit over the holder for my hammer, fifty bits. The whole time I lamented it wasn’t Rarity making it.

I headed to the market and picked up some crystal berries, crystal corn on the cob, lots and lots of bananas (i'm a gorilla now. aight?), and plenty of bread. I was told that the crystal foods wouldn’t go bad. I hope the vendors were truthful.

After my shopping I had thirty two bits left. Not much, but enough for now. Since hotels were ten per night I figured it would be best to sleep outdoors. It was warm, and there’s no way in hell any of those ponies would mess with me the way they acted when I was around town.