The Nerds Fable

by Serperior2

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Flash Sentry
Length: 8998

HIE story, brony gets turned into a girallon

When a brony gets sucked into the very world he became obsessed with, he is in way over his head. Equipped with the speed and raw strength of a bulldozer and camaros baby, he becomes BA after some practice and begins dominating Equestrias darkest menaces.

Takes place in the chess game of the gods universe, but is non canon.

Published 2013-12-04 22:30:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-04 04:44:56 UTC

(1) When nerds become ripped

When nerds become ripped

When you think of a human in Equestria story, what do you usually think of? Maybe you think that you'll find yourself in Equestria, in the Everfree Forest, go to Ponyville, get some romance in with a backround pony or two. Well, maybe that has happened, I don't know for sure. Iv'e heard of lots of humans getting sent to Equestria recently so that could be for all I know. I wasn't so lucky. I landed in Equestria as a mythological creature I'm pretty sure most people have NEVER heard of. A girallon. If you have, you have officially earned my hardcore geeky fantasy collection that I left behind at my house.

When it comes to being a stereotype geeky brony am king. With acne, a literal neck beard, an obsession with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic to an almost unhealthy point. I am so geeky it even inspired a fad in the eighth grade, almost all the kids in my class has a ponified version of them I drew. But don't get me wrong, just because I do all that stuff doesn't mean I can't handle myself. I took thai-quan-do lessons. I wasn't a black belt or anything crazy like that, just a humble blue belt.

It would have worked out had we not moved. Of course, it isn't like my parents decided to move. My dad got moved for business. So when my bronyness was considered quirky and funny at my old school, it is now considered to be "uncool." I have no friends because my school is full of freaking haters who think MLP is for little girls and homos. I wasn't bullied or anything, I just was sort of an outcast.

That all changed when one day, while riding my bike to the mall, planning on buying a new phone case since I was as fickle with my phones aesthetics as a girl is with her clothes. I was riding down the usual bike trail, it took me to within a quarter mile of the mall, so I didn't have to ride along crowded roads the whole way there. However, for some reason, when I came to a turn, there were some cones and big flashy signs with arrows and the word detour flashing pointing onto a side path I didn't remember or recognize. It seemed strange to have so much for just a simple road block, but I don't tend to question things when they looked expensive to set up.

I went on the detour, which was a thinner trail than the ten foot wide one I usually road upon, about four or five. not much room for other people to pass by. After riding what seemed like several miles, I came into a small field. The paved  path abruptly stopped here, and since I had a street bike, not a mountain bike, I had to turn around. When I did so I saw that strangely, the asphalt had disappeared. In its place was grass, and where it entered the woods, trees.

The logical conclusion was to think 'oh, this is just a dream. Time to do some crazy shit for fun while there are no consequences.'

"I am afraid you are quite incorrect in that assumption laddie," said a strange voice behind me. It had an odd accent, like if a Scotsman was trying to impersonate a redneck. I looked and saw he was completely bald, and the sun glared off his forehead right into my eyes. He was fat and appeared to be in his late forties.

"Oh? Then what happened to the road?"

"I got rid of it."

"Of course," I stated in the most critical and cynical voice I could muster.

"Look, I'm rather bored today, so lets cut to the chase. I wanna see some blood and gore." He stated with a slight chuckle. "I think the best way to do that would be to grab some poor sap out of one world and randomly drop him in another, then just watch what happens." Rather straightforward, and more than rather crazy.

Ignoring that he called me a poor sap I countered "Right, and some crazy guy in the woods is gonna do this how?"

"Its difficult to explain, and not important anyway. Just make me enjoy it, so what would you like to be? I'll let you decide where you'll go and what you'll be, it'll be fun!"

"How about the My LIttle Pony universe?" I asked sarcastically.

"Oh yes, that is a splendid Idea, now what would you like to be?"

I had no struggle with this, I jokingly stated one of the most obscure fantasy monsters I knew of, to see if I can throw this guy off. "How about a girallon? if you even know what that is."

"Ha! You don't give me enough credit. Done"

Suddenly the world went dark, and I felt like I was falling, and a bunch more cliche stuff happened.

(2) and this would be?

And this would be?

I woke up hanging upside down. I looked up and saw a foot lightly encased in what appeared to be ice. After a moment of staring I realized, that the foot, which was covered in white fur, was coming off of furry white leg, which was attached to a furry white torso, which I seemed to have the point of view of.

After realizing that it was my foot encased in ice, I started using my other foot to kick and claw at the ice around it. Then I realized I was CLAWING at it! I started kicking and scratching even harder and faster until the ice broke and I fell down on my head.

Rolling over, I began to look around. I was in some sort of cave made of ice. It seemed like a carbon copy of the cave the space yeti dragged Luke to in Star Wars episode 5, with the bones and everything. The only thing missing was a one armed white monster. Upon thinking on that for a moment I realized that I now had white fur, and seemed taller and beefier from before. That guy sure seemed to have a sense of humor.

Looking over myself more I realized I had grown an extra pair of arms. All four were thick, and beefy, like the arms of a gorilla, or a girallon.

I began hyperventilating. That was too real, too detailed. I felt too awake. I pinched and kicked myself repeatedly trying desperately to wake myself up. After five minutes of this I settled down and began to think rationally again.

“Okay… So I’m a girallon, I’m in a strange white cave, if that guy was telling the truth I’m in Equestria, or a neighboring country. I have no supplies, and I’m probably in some sort of wilderness since there aren’t usually caves in heavily populated areas. Or in Florida at least.”

I took a moment to marvel at how different my voice sounded from before. As a human I had a higher voice, more like a typical teenager. But now I sounded like Arnold Shwarzenegger without the accent. It felt weird having a voice so deep. I could feel the vibrations in my throat much more than before.

“I’ll be back.” I chuckled to myself after saying that line in the best Austrian accent I could muster. “I let him go.” More humor, always works.

By now I had completely calmed down. I was even beginning to think this could end up being a good thing. Life was getting pretty dreary back home. My only regret was being so sarcastic to the guy who sent me here and ending up a giant four armed gorilla.

After some more thought I decided to go and find the nearest town so I could get supplies. While I suspected my giant gorilla fists would most likely be an extremely effective weapon, I also rationalized that it might not be that good idea to parry sword hits with a bare hand, so I would need weapons. I would also see if I could get some armor of sorts. And food would also be something to nice to have.

I climbed out of the cave, and I saw it was mid day. I looked around some before noticing some train tracks several hundred meters off. I ran to them, after all, train tracks meant civilization. And civilization meant stuff.

I couldn’t decide which way I should go, after all, I don’t know which way goes where. So I took a leap of faith and turned left.

As I walked my back was began to get sore. I then remembered gorillas walk on all fours, using arms for propulsion. That would explain it.

Leaning forward I put my fists in the snow, all four of them. I pushed off from my back feet and swung forward, planting them in front of me. I then pushed off with my arms and planted them in front of my feet. I repeated the process about ten times slowly, and then I started speeding up. Around fifty they felt completely natural and I was lumbering along at a steady pace. I didn’t think I was quite ready to run yet so I just lumbered along for several hours following the tracks.

As I went I wondered where I was. Since the only snowy wasteland type biome ever shown on the show was near at the Crystal Empire, I guessed I was most likely heading towards or away from it. Hopefully towards, I was getting hungry.

After going about five miles or so, I heard an odd sound behind me. I turned around just in time to block a tackle from a large white form. It still knocked me down, but it didn’t manage to bite me. I flailed my lower right arm at it and smacked it away before it jumped on top of me. I got up and saw it was a large polar bear. It was rubbing the side of its face with a paw, probably because with muscle size and density in my new arms I could overturn a semi. It planted its paws and growled at me. I did the first thing that I thought of, I roared at it. It lasted about ten seconds; I opened up my maw and let loose a rumble that would put a tyrannosaur to shame. Spittle flew out of my mouth and landed all over the bears face as I let out all the anger that wasn’t there a second before.

Several seconds passed with the polar bear just staring at me, and then it turned tail and ran. I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly began chasing after it as fast as I could, at least four times as fast as I was going before. I reached the bear, and jumped over it, flying fifteen feet through the air, and landing in front of it. Before it could stop or turn around I brought up both my right fists and punched it as hard as I could in the neck and head. I heard a loud cracking sound and the bear flew ten feet landing in a heap in the snow. I approached it, and unceremoniously slung it over my back and continued on my way. Not at all daunted by the fact I had killed a polar bear in ten seconds flat with my bare hands.

I finally reached the Crystal Empire after another hours travel. I stared in complete awe as I saw the castle come up over the horizon as I approached. It was dazzling, and blinding. When my eyes came to the suns reflection off of it I couldn’t see. I had to stop for five minutes and guard my vision with another arm as I approached.

I entered the city with no resistance. After all, who in their right mind would approach a seven foot, four armed gorilla with a mutilated polar bear over his shoulder. I was even given an extremely wide berth by most of the ponies as I passed by. Not that I blamed them.

I decide that to be able to get anything done I would have to ask a question, so I asked a passing stallion where I could sell the bear. He just stuttered and backed up. I tried to tell him I wouldn’t hurt him but he just turned tail and ran off screaming about giant white monsters. This would be harder than I thought.

I finally came under the castle. There were a couple of guards positioned by the entrance so, believing them to be made of tougher stuff than civilians I decided to ask one of them. I got a wide eyed stare but neither ran off when I approached.

“Halt! You may not enter without the permission of princess or prince.” Said one.

“Don’t worry, I don’t want in, do you know where I could sell this thing?” I asked calmly and with a smirk.

“My brother works at general store, he might be able to give you something for it, but I wouldn’t get your hopes too high,” neither of the guards said it. I looked around to see who did. “Up here.” I looked up and saw an orange griffin hovering in the air just out of my reach. Once again I don’t blame him.

“Ugh thanks, um…”

“Martin. If you need directions just follow me.”

“Ok, thanks, Martin.”

I looked back at the guards. Both had gone back to staring straight ahead with an emotionless expression. Giving them a quick mock salute I lumbered off following the griffin to wherever he was going.

As we went I noticed him staring at me. Whenever I turned toward him he looked away quickly though. From what I could tell, it wasn’t fear or apprehension, but interest. I guessed griffins are probably made of tougher stuff than ponies since they have claws, and are larger, and eat meat. Or at least, I was pretty sure they did. Lions and eagles are both carnivorous after all.

We went down a few side streets and eventually came to a large two story building, a sign that said open hung in a window, and behind it I saw various knickknacks including snow globes, multi colored wool arranged in a rainbow, and crystal chunks of various sizes.

I opened the door and squeezed inside. I had to hunch a bit more than usual to avoid hitting my head on the lighting. When the door opened a small bell rang, and a blue griffin trotted out of a back room.

“Ah hello Martin, I see you brought back a customer. Bout time you made yourself useful.”

“He was looking for someone to buy this polar bear. I didn’t do anything but tell him and lead him back.”

“But that is all that needs to be done by you. I am the haggler aren’t I?”

“What will you give me for a polar bear with a crushed skull and broken neck?”

“Let me see.”

I heaved the bear up on the counter, and he began looking at it. He opened its mouth, smelled its fur, felt its fur, and for some reason took a peek under the tale.

“Two hundred bits for the bear, and I won’t go any higher!”

“Deal.”

This seemed to stun him a little as though he was expecting a haggle. “All right then, let me go get the money.”

He disappeared into the back and came out again a minute later with a bag of bits. I took them and assisted him in taking it into the back room. After that I browsed some of his wares to see if I could find anything useful. I found some iron gauntlets made to fit a minotaur, a steel sledgehammer, also made for minotaurs, and a strap to hold it. Overall I spent ninety of my two hundred bits.

After that I went and found a tailor, and had a large backpack made that fit over the holder for my hammer, fifty bits. The whole time I lamented it wasn’t Rarity making it.

I headed to the market and picked up some crystal berries, crystal corn on the cob, lots and lots of bananas (i'm a gorilla now. aight?), and plenty of bread. I was told that the crystal foods wouldn’t go bad. I hope the vendors were truthful.

After my shopping I had thirty two bits left. Not much, but enough for now. Since hotels were ten per night I figured it would be best to sleep outdoors. It was warm, and there’s no way in hell any of those ponies would mess with me the way they acted when I was around town.

(3) Meet the princesses

And the banana hits the fan

I woke to a prodding sensation in my side, it wasn't painful, it just didn't feel good. Attempting to avoid being woken up before I was ready I rolled away from the direction I was being poked from. I heard the sounds of hooves hitting concrete hard, and I felt the prodding once more.

"Get up creature, your'e loitering."

"Huh?"

"I said your'e loitering, you gotta go."

I opened my eyes and saw a guard, he was standing over me with a conflicted look on his face. He seemed to want to be brave, but was scared absolutely shitless.

"Well if I can't sleep here where am I supposed to sleep?"

"Not my problem?" He seemed uncomfortable saying that to me, shying away slightly as he said it.

"Well, since I need somewhere to sleep, I don't enough money to get a place to sleep other than the streets, and the only applicable skill I have is brute force. You absolutely petutely sure it's not your problem?" Yeah that's right Pinkie Pie style, even when threatening someone.

"W-well... I ugh..."

I heard a snicker from around the corner of the alley we were in, and someone whispering, "absolutely petutely! Is this guy serious! Ha ha!" The voice sounded awfully familiar...

The guards face grew red in anger hearing the ponies statement.

"I'm sorry sir, I need to go back and teach my deputy a lesson about stealth, and professionalism."

"No go on ahead, I was just on my way anyway."

"Thank you for your cooperation mister...?"

Him asking me what my name was caused me to ponder. In almost every brony human in Equestria fanfic iv'e read the protagonist changed his name. New body comes with a new name after all. I thought about what I had done so far in Equestria. The first major thing being to slaughter a bear, and then I came to the crystal empire. I bought all my stuff. Nothing major. Then I thought of my Xbox Live gamer-tag. That'll do.

I noticed that the guard had been staring at me the whole time I was looking into space trying to think of a name. He seemed to be getting more nervous around me. "The names Goliath."

"Okay, Goliath. Thank you for your cooperation, please stay out of trouble."

He cantered out of the alleyway and began chewing out the young deputy. When I came out I saw with great satisfaction that it was Flash Sentry. I'm one of the bronies who absolutely despised Equestria Girls, especially the canon shipping going on in it. I gave him four middle fingers at once, and causing me even more satisfaction he was visually insulted by the quadruple four finger salute I gave him. Hell yeah.

I once again looked around for a place to sleep. Finally deciding to climb up onto one of the many unoccupied ledges on the side of the castle, and got as cozy as you can in a rock hard 90 degree platform. But alas, it seemed like the guard had other ideas for me, as I was once again woken up, this time by the bronies enemy number one himself.

"What? I'm trying to sleep."

"Your'e loitering, this time on government property, two times in a row is a fine, ape.

"What the hell do you people do with bums around here anyway?"

"Our economy is too stable for ponies to go homeless."

"Right, so how about you just let it slide this time, hmm?"

"Sorry, I didn't find you myself, the princess herself saw you climb up. She wants to talk with you, though why someone like her would want to talk with a beast like you I wouldn't know," he snarled.

"Can't a guy get any sleep around here?"

"I'm afraid not."

I looked at him, and then I looked down. There was already a small crowd gathering around a petite pink princess who was beginning to look impatient. I sighed, and grabbed my pack. Time to take this body for another test drive. I carefully leaned over the edge, dropped down, and grabbed onto the underside of the ledge, swinging off of it, letting it go,doing a back flip, and dropping neatly all all six limbs.

"Quite a show don't you think?" The pretty pink one herself speaks.

"Yes, yes it is. I heard you want to speak with me, in the middle of the night, and you feel the need to wake me up to do so."

She smirked. "Well, if you hadn't been sleeping on an off limits area I could have waited until the morning. If you like I could give you a room in the castle and we can talk in the morning."

I raised an eyebrow.

"You are a human, are you not?"

That threw me off. How could she know about humans? Then again, there was that portal to think about.But how did she know that I was one?

Noticing my surprise, she continued. "You're not the first one to come to our world. There are many others that have visited recently. Princess Celestia is doing her best to document as many as she can, as well as treat them since many seem to have been brought over with severe mental disorders."

"Not the first huh? How much do you know about us?"

"Iv'e heard you're a very warlike species, you are extremely capable of both love and hate, and you are much more technologically advanced than us. I think I heard something about  some having heard of this world before coming here. I believe they call themselves brownies, or brawneys, something like that."

"Brony, were called bronies. It's a combination of bro and pony. We were originally all men."

"Ah so you're one of them?"

"Eeyup."

"Ah good. So I suppose that means you know me better than I you."

"Maybe, I've only seen you three times. At your wedding, the invasion of the Crystal Empire by Sombra, and the time Twilight helped you get picked for the Equestria Games. Oh and the time Sunset Shimmer stole Twilights crown."

"Well it's good to know I don't have to introduce myself further. Would you like to come inside now? We're drawing a crowd. Oh and Shining, I think it's safe, you can come out now."

There was a shimmer next to her and a white stallion with a blue mane appeared. We are not alone.

"Sup," I said as casually as I could.

"Hello." I think we have a second place for the best evil eye in the MLP universe.

,"Shining be nice, he hasn't done anything wrong."

"Hmph."

They led me into the entrance of the castle. It wasn't all bright and sparkly or anything. There were a few reflections off of some torches in pedestals going down the middle of the castle in a row. We went through a few corridors and even passed through the rotunda Pinkie did a terrible job at describing. As we passed through I made sure to say "Wow, What a big round room. It must be known for it's roundness, did I mention it's round?" Both just gave me an odd look, I just said, "Ask Pinkie Pie about it. She'll get it."

We passed through a few more corridors and finally We found ourselves in a large round room. It looked just like the one Twilight stayed in in the movie, but they might all look like this. I came in, Shining Armor and I took a look at the bed, I wasn't sure I would fit, or if it would support my weight. Shining seemed to have the same idea and levitated it off and placed it on the floor in the middle of the room.

I laid down on it to test it out, way to small.  I sat up and shrugged. The stallion trotted off and came back with another mattress and what appeared to be a couch cushion. Lookee there! I was getting the royal treatment!

After I laid down and gave the thumbs up to show I was comfortable, and they cantered off to leave me to myself. Hopefully now I can get a full nights sleep.

(4) epic quest time aww yeah!

Epic quest time aww yeah!​

Lying on two beds at the same time is not comfortable. And neither is using a couch cushion for a pillow. I was extremely sore in the morning, as one would expect. It was a dreamless, restless sleep. I had slept fine before I met the princess. The biggest thing keeping me awake was the fact there were other humans. I thought that I was the only one. Did that weird god type guy send more in? Or were there other powerful beings like him, sending humans to this world for entertainment?

​I also had trouble getting comfortable. When I slept outside I was leaning against things to sleep and putting my hands on my chest and lap. But having nowhere to put all four of my hands is just uncomfortable. My hands have to be higher than my hip for me to get comfortable doing anything. Having four to do this with just got things tangled up.

​It was also apparent that after the royals left they posted two guards outside my door without telling me. I wondered if the other humans had a reputation of sorts. It seemed likely. They spent the whole night talking to each other. It would have been fine had they whispered, but alas they talked as though they were on other sides of a long hallway.

​When the sun finally came up I decided that I had been in bed long enough. I heaved myself off the bed, collected my equipment, minus the hammer, and went out to find some grub.

​“Excuse me you two, but would you happen to know where I can get breakfast?”

​“Follow us sir.”

​They led me through a few corridors, back through the giant round room, and into a small dining area. Cadence was already up, along with some castle staff serving her. I made myself comfortable on the floor, and noticed that I was still taller than the ponies around me. When a waiter came I ordered a breakfast salad with extra bananas.

​“Did you sleep well Goliath?”

​“Not really. It’s gonna be a bitch trying to find a place to stay later on.”

​“I would expect such, maybe we could prepare a special room for you to stay in.”

​“I don’t think I’m going to be here that long. Don’t bother with it.”

​Just then Shining Armor came in. His mane was a complete mess and he had a bleary look in his eyes that conveyed that he was not a morning pony. He stumbled over to a seat next to his wife and dropped into it. He ordered black coffee and moved into a catatonic state until his beverage came.

​“Oh good, you’re here, I was about to explain our predicament to Goliath.”

​“Uh huh.”

​“Do you want to explain?”

​“Nuh uh.”

​She looked at me blushing. “I’m sorry, he can’t really do anything until he gets his coffee in the morning. Wait a minute or two and we can get to why we invited you in last ight.”

​“Um… Okay.”

​The server came back in with my salad and sleeping beauty’s liquefied true love’s kiss. He downed it in one gulp and asked for more. I began to slowly munch away at my salad. After a minute or two and a second coffee Shining seemed to be awake enough to begin.

​“Okay, so let’s get down to business. We need your help. There is a group of bandits that has raided three trains on their way here. They took all of the items of value and didn’t take any hostages until three days ago, when my sister was coming here.”

​I understood instantly. Someone kidnapped Twilight Sparkle. They wanted me to go out there and rescue her. Of course, if they managed to raid three trains that most likely had guards, they probably managed to defeat the guards on the trains, and they weren’t willing to throw away guards to save them. My inner fanboy was completely flipping out over this. Saving Twighlight! That is awesome! “Is there more?”

​“We believe they used some of the magical inhibitors that they took off of our train guards from a previous raid. Twilie’s too powerful for just one to incapacitate her. All you have to do is go, remove the inhibitor, and she can help you get out after that. We are willing to pay you whatever price you demand.”

​Any price I wanted? That sounded too good to be true. I could become rich on my second day here! But I also took from the lessons given to me from the show and decide to be generous. “How about I rescue her for free, and you give me financial aid when I need it. I’m reasonable, I won’t ask for mountains of jewels or a mansion, just the necessities for further endeavors.”

​“Yes! Anything! Just get my sister back. We’ll even throw in citizenship in the Empire if you bring in their leader alive or dead.”

​Citizenship? Wow, they were really going all out. “Deal.”

​“Good. Please leave as soon as you can. Oh and also, were sending two guards with you. Both are pegasi. If Twilight is hurt they’ll carry her back so she can get treatment more quickly.”

​“Sounds fair. Let me go get my hammer from my room and I’ll leave immediately.”

​“Meet us in the armory when you’re done.”

I returned to my room and retrieved my weapon. It would be my first time using it. Hopefully I was good.

​I asked around and found my way to the armory. There waiting was Shining, the guard that woke me up the previous night for loitering, and the asshole that did the same. Of course it was them.

​“Hello again Goliath. Nice to know we’ll be having someone like you backing us up on this.” Well at least he’s polite. “I don’t think I told you this last night, but my name is Iron Hide.”

​Flash just ignored me.

​“Nice to meet you formally Iron Hide. So, what are we doing here?”

​“I have some extra information before I send you three on your way,” stated Shining. “And I thought maybe we could equip you with some more equipment.”

​“Do you have anything that will even fit me?”

​“Well, no, but we have medical supplies, and we can supply you with a side arm, maybe a sword as an equivalent of a dagger.”

​We went through a few swords, and I picked two small hand and a half swords (mouth and a half?) and a longbow that I could sort of kind of draw. He gave me some gauze, antiseptic, and a field kit for stitches. I packed the meds in my backpack and the saddlebags of Flash and Iron, sheathed my swords on both sides, put my bow in my pack, and positioned the quiver with about twenty arrows on the left of my bag. I was armed and deadly. Hell yeah.

​We were also given a map of the landscape of the northern province, and three copies of a map of the old mine they had tracked the bandits to. I was also made sure to know they were one thousand year old maps and might not be one hundred percent accurate.

​After we were fully equipped we were off. It was a thirty mile hike to where the old mine was, and we needed to move fast to make it before dark.

​As we went I asked about the old mine. Iron said it was a crystal mine started by King Sombra before he became corrupt. It was a deadly place to work at during the end of his reign because he didn’t buy proper equipment for cave wall supports and many ponies died in cave ins. It was now supposedly haunted by the thousand year old spirits of the dead. Sounds like a perfect place for a bandit hive to be situated.

​The whole time from when I came to the armory, Flash Sentry didn’t say a single word. I would have just thought him the quiet type had he not laughed at my joke at a bad time, and badmouthed me a couple hours later. Iron was very talkative though. He asked me about the human world, I told him all about it, from the simple things like clothes, to amazing feats of technology. He was very intrigued by how we went from day to night without magic. Saying it was “the most astounding thing he had ever heard.”

​After that we began playing word games. I would say a word, and he had to say another word that had something to do with the word, be it synonym antonym, or part of a subject, and it had to begin with the last letter of the word I said. We got bored of that after a while and just walked in silence, keeping our thoughts to ourselves.

​After about eight hours we finally made it. A gaping hole in the earth, it had no doors or anything on the top, and the stone ramp into the interior was encased in ice, quite literally a slippery slope to get down. It was getting late, and it was decided that it would be best to camp out outside of the hideout overnight a small distance away. We went over the layout of the mine. It had a nice and neat grid texture, or it was supposed to. There were many cave-ins and the like that might not have been marked on the map. We decided to mark the map to attempt to update it as needed when we found something not actually there, so our getaway would be easier. In the morning, we would go it, and use deadly force on any of the criminals hiding inside.

(5) We do... stuff

We do... stuff

BOOM!

I woke up to an explosion, and gore splattering over my face. Events of the last night flashed through my mind, Flash had taken first watch, and then me, and then it was Iron’s turn. ‘So much for a good night’s sleep’ I thought, as I grabbed my hammer in my left two hands and my swords in my right two.

All that remained of Iron Hide but a few smoldering bones and some blood splattered over our campsite. I felt the fur on my back begin to stand on end. It was the second most disgusting sight I had ever seen. The most disgusting thing I’m not telling.

As far as I could tell there was nothing out here, and then I saw a blue and black aura begin lighting up near the cave entrance, I dashed for it as fast as I could, the light growing brighter and brighter as I came closer. When it reached what seemed to be its pinnacle I dodged out of the way, just as a large black and blue fireball launched itself at me. It landed in the snow and created a large explosion, incinerating what was left of the deceased pony guard.

I hit the ground and rolled, throwing my sword as I stood up. It landed five feet in front of the unicorn that had appeared after launching the ball of death. Seeming surprised at my epic fail he didn’t start charging up his next spell, and I took the opportunity to leap at him and smash his face with my hammer. Launching skull bits and brain matter out the other side of his head.

Looking to the right I saw Flash successfully shanking the other unicorn that had come out. He was panting and his face was stained with tears, of course, his mentor/partner had just been incinerated by some kind of powerful magic we had no idea we would be up against.

“What the hell was that?” I screamed at him.

“Dark magic. I don’t think these guys are bandits.”

“Dark magic? Like what Somra used? I thought it was purple green and black.”

“It’s colors vary on the overall magical adeptness in all forms of magic. These guys were novices. Probably fodder for whoever else lives down there.”

“THOSE were NOVICES?!”

“Yeah, but it should be easier to fight them down there in close quarters, most dark magic spells are too volatile to use underground or in buildings, you could end up blowing yourself up or cause the structure to collapse on you. We should be fine if we keep out of open areas.”

“You seem to know a lot about this for a semi-good guy pegasus.”

“It’s part of the course for becoming a royal guard in the Empire. After all, both Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor are afraid Somra might attack again. And seriously? Semi good guy, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know the mirror to that other dimension in the castle?”

“Yeah, the one Princess Twilight Sparkle went into when Sunset Shimmer stole the element of harmony.”

“There are a bunch of alternate versions of almost all the ponies here in that dimension as humans. The human you committed an unspeakable act.”

“What did I do?”

“You’ll have to ask Twilight when we rescue her. Lets go!”

I stormed down the tunnel and broke down the old wooden doors barring the entrance. They looked remarkably like the doors to mines in Skyrim. I slashed at the two ponies on the other side, managing to give them about five different large cuts before I finally killed them both. I really ought to figure out how to use these things.

Flash flew down fast after me, looked at the bodies of the two I had killed at made a grimace. He was probably used to loiterers and bar fights, not killing and death in his work.

We followed the tunnels we had marked up the previous night, adding a small X to the map whenever we met a cave in. The caves were awfully empty for the fifty or sixty “bandits” the guards said they had seen when the trains had been attacked. We only had to kill five or six in the tunnels before we came to an extremely large chamber with about twenty in it at once. “Get down,” the yellow pegasus commanded.

I did as he said, and we watched what was happening. There was a pony up on the stage, he seemed to be the leader as his robe was gold, and was giving some sort of speech to the ponies below him. They were all unicorns, they were all dressed in green and black robes, and they all had eyes glowing purple, black, and green. “I take it these are the more advanced dark magic users.” I whispered.

“Yeah.”

I listened closer trying to detect what the pony was saying. I couldn’t tell for sure, he seemed to be saying something about “fruition,” “resurrection,” and “alicorn blood.” Seeing a large red banner behind him with a black crystal on it, I was able to piece together what was going on quite easily.

“We need to stop them, I think they’re going to do something… Bad,” Flash said in a worried voice.

“Yeah, obviously, but there are too many.”

“Twilight isn’t there yet, I think they need her to do… Whatever it is they’re doing.”

“So we’re just going to leave them alone to the resurrection of one of the most evil ponies in history?”

“We’re leaving to attempt to prevent it and save her at the same time. I think it’s okay.”

I grumbled slightly, and quietly moved away from the chamber. We took a quick detour around the room and found two more of the unicorns leading a walking pile of glowing bronze rings down the hallway. Under the few small gaps between the rings I was able to make out some dirty purple fur. Found her.

We jumped on the guards, Flash taking out the one on the far side of the princess with an aerial strike, and me grabbing the one closest to me and shoving my sword down his gaping mouth. I tossed the body aside, not minding that he had gotten blood all over my hand. Man, I had really toughened up with this transformation, otherwise I would’ve hurled at the sight. Twilight wasn’t so luck, and as soon as the rings on her head were removed and I removed the gag from her mouth she vomited at the sight.

“Who are you?” She said looking at me. Then looking at Flash she said, “And what are you doing here Flash?”

“This is Goliath, and I am here to save you milady.” He said in a stately voice trotting up and kissing her hoof.

“Oh no you don’t! We need to get out of here, and in the absence of Shining Armor I am current acting cock-block.”

“Buzz kill.”

Twilight giggled at that, and we began to trek out of the tunnel. Luckily we had taken special care to keep track of our position in the mine with the map and found ourselves at the entrance quickly and with no resistance. Twilight’s wings were fine and she and Flash flew back to the Crystal Empire to alert them at who were really at the cave, and I began running full tilt towards the Empire too. I didn’t want to fight any of those mages in the safety of the outdoors.

Clearly fate had other ideas, as the one pony that was speaking on the stage teleported in front of me.

“You darn dirty ape!” oh sweet Celestia, a Planet of the Apes reference, seriously? “You have no idea who you’re dealing with! Or what you’ve interrupted!”

“The resurrection of King Sombra, I was able to put things together.”

“Not just his resurrection, I would have made him more powerful! He would have been stronger, faster, smarter, better.” And another reference. Jeez, this guy was full of them. “I worked on the spell for months! And now I need to go get another alicorn!”

“Why are you telling me you’re plan? That’s some serious stereotypical villain BS.”

“I want you to send a message to those accursed crystal ponies. Unless I get a princess by tomorrow night, I will attack the empire, slaughter all the ponies to and from the palace, and capture both of the princesses, I have enough master level dark mages to demolish that pathetic hole of ‘love’ and ‘hope’.” He spat the words out like they were curses.

“How about… No.” I threw my sword again, taking him by surprise, and it landed in the snow, three feet to the right of him. Not again…

He began charging up his horn, the purple green and black I knew now was for master level spell casters, and I rushed toward him, he launched the fireball, I was too late to dodge and then… I wasn’t there anymore.

There was a flash of golden light, and suddenly I was standing in the middle of the Crystal Empire throne room. Princess Celestia was standing up on the throne next to Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor. Princess Twilight and Flash Sentry were there too, both looking just as stunned as I was that we were here all of a sudden.

“Greetings my little ponies, and… Goliath.”

“Princess! We’re so glad you’re here, the bandits that attacked the trains weren’t bandits, they were followers of King Sombra! They were trying to resurrect him using a piece of his horn. We need to go stop them now!”

“That is grave news indeed. We brought with us a contingency of Canterlots best guards in case if the rescue party failed.” She said this looking at me.

“We should send them immediately… Princess.” I stated awkwardly. “Before you teleported me, their leader came to me and told me to tell you that they will be attacking the Empire if you don’t surrender an alicorn to them by tomorrow night. We saw about twenty unicorns with his that he claimed were all masters of dark magic.”

“THEY SHALT NOT CAUSE THIS MIGHTY KINGDOM TO FALL. WE ART HERE TO MEET HIM IN BATTLE SHOULD HE SHOW HIMSELF TO BE AS VAIN AND ‘BIGHEADED AS WE SEE HIM.” Royal caps lock a go.

“Luna volume please,” complained Celestia while rubbing her ears. “Indeed, if it should come to that we will fight. This battle is for magic users though, not meant for those who use physical weaponry. It would be best if most of the pegasi and earth pony guards stay inside the city when the attack comes, as well as you Goliath.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice, they scared the shit out of me. Now if you don’t mind, I need to go and clean this gore out of my ha... fur.”

(6) *insert catchy/snarky chapter name here*

(6) *insert catchy/snarky chapter name here*

*insert catchy/snarky chapter name here*

After I had gone and showered in the castles unisex showers (not awkward at all) I returned to my room. I entered and was surprised to find Princess Cadence and Shining Armor waiting inside. They looked uneasy, yet happy and excited at the same time. Behind them rested a large... thing, covered with a sheet. I couldn't tell what was under it since the sheet was partially hovering to conceal the shape.

The pink mare cleared her throat and began"Hello Goliath. We would like to thank you for bringing her back more formally than what happened in the throne room. You see... We were just so excited to have Twilight back that we just forgot about you. While you were in the shower we got a carpenter, he managed to make this..." she pulled the sheet away from them over to the side of the room, immediately folding itself in seconds before touching the floor. I didn't really notice that though, I was too amazed by the sight before me. It was a massive bed, big enough for me! Eight feet tall and ten feet long. With enough room and support for my massive bulk, and enough surface area to lay on it comfortably. How long had I been in the shower?

"We could hear you groaning and grunting all the way down the hall, so we knew you were uncomfortable." Shining awkwardly added. Honestly, I would have assumed other things had I heard those noises.

"Uhh, thanks. It'll be nice to be comfortable tonight. How did you make it so fast?"

"Oh magic can work wonders. This castle was built in three months."

"Really? That's just... wow... just wow. Are you sure it's stable?"

"It's lasted three thousand years hasn't it? Not counting it's banished years of course."

I just nodded.

"So, anyway, Twilight's friends showed up while you were rescuing her, and they'd like to meet you in pony... er person."

"Omigosh!YoumeanFluttershyRarityPinkiePieandRainbowdash? Oh and Applejack I guess."

Cadence nodded slowly, "Um... yeah. Their in the banquet hall. Pinkie is throwing a welcome back/ thanks for saving my friend party."

I turned around and bolted out the door way heading to the right. Halfway down the hall I realized I needed directions. Coming to a quick stop I accidentally stopped too quick and landed on my face. I got up and looked back, catching a quick look at Cadence laughing to herself before she stopped and pointed the other way. I barreled down the hallway again, this time in the right direction. I asked for directions from a few cowering guards on the way there. (Seeing a four hundred pound four armed gorilla coming down an narrow hallway at thirty five miles an hour in your direction is scary okay?)

Finally I made it to the banquet hall. It was already done up in streamers and balloons. There were three discharged party cannons in the corner. I would have to ask Pinkie for one later. Pinkie Pie is my very favorite pony. I even planned on getting dressed up as her at the bronycon I ended up not attending on account of getting the Mumps (no fun and no fair).

I looked around and saw her straightening the pin-the-tail-on-the-pony poster. I padded over wearing a gigantic smile. This would be great. As I approached I noticed her tail twitch, uh oh... Suddenly out of nowhere something soft and heavy hit the back of my head. I fell forward and smacked my face on the floor, again. I looked up and saw all the ponies, barring Fluttershy and Twilight taking defensive stances all around me. Please tell me Twilight explained who saved her.

Rainbowdash approached first. Before she could get a word out I yelled at the top of my lungs, "What the hell was that for?"

Forgetting the size and strength of my new voice, I launched several drops of spittle that landed all over Rainbow and Applejack, thankfully none got on Rarity as she appeared to be wearing one of her originals.

They backed away several steps. "You can talk?"

Suddenly I felt something small and cold run up my back as I was still on the ground. I heard Spike screech "Wait!"

Applejack who now had a lasso out, Discord knows where from, and stated as obstinately as usual "git away from that thing Spike! It was gunna eat Pinkie!"

Before I could think about it I yelled "No I wasn't, Pinkies my favorite!"

"I'm your favorite what?"

Before I could respond Twilight dashed into view and began scolding her friends. "How dare you attack him?! He is a guest here and the pony... er person that saved me! If it wasn't for him even more ponies could have died trying to save me than did. He was probably excited to meet you all since he's one of those humans that watched us on that weird human device some of the other  humans mentioned!"

They all looked pretty guilty then. I slowly got up and reassured them. "Look gals, no hard feelins, I have to admit I do look pretty scary. But as long as I'm not provoked I'm just a four armed shaggy teddy bear." Oh wait... Would they know what a teddy bear is?

Either way it seemed to have the desired effect, as they all seemed to calm down and feel better. I saw Fluttershy slowly come out from under the nearest table and give me a tentative grin. I waved, and smiled back warmly.

Pinkie trotted up to me and gave me a long hard look, before suddenly bursting out ecstatically "I like you!" and trotted off to continue putting together the party.

I approached Rainbowdash, who was lifting up a pinata and tying it to the ceiling. She glanced at me and looked away.  Obviously embarrassed for sky tackling me. I looked around some more and saw Rarity levitating another table into the room out of a closet. Without other things to do I went over and grabbed four more out of the closet. Boy were these things heavy. I think they were all made out of crystal. I carried them pout and assigned them their positions relative to the pattern rarity was setting up with them. Two parallel to the length of the hall, and two perpendicular next to those, arranged in one long row down the large stretch of the room. I looked back to the room and saw rarity levitating out two more before closing the door behind her, an obvious sign she was done with the tables. I watched her put them into place and looked around for some more work to help with.

I felt a slight prodding at my shin. I looked down and saw Spike nervously tapping me on the leg. "Yeah?"

"Uhh... It looks like you're looking for something to do. That right?"

"Uh huh."

"Would... Would you like to help me set the tables with tablecloths and punch?"

"Sure, I'll follow you."

He nodded, and waddled to the next room. I followed him in, ducking under the low doorway, and saw a bunch of dishes layed out and a group of chefs eyeing the fire breathing dragon and titan gorilla apprehensively as we grabbed foods and drinks and took them out to the party to set them up. I wondered why they weren't helping but didn't question it. I didn't really know of anything else I could do around here other wise.

We brought out four kinds of punch, apple cider, a cake, two kinds of cupcakes, three types muffins, about ten flavors of jello, a fancy fruit salad with extra apples probably intended for me, and a large bowl of hay chips. It all looked delicious, except the chips.

"Alright every pony" yelled Pinky "Time to get the party started!