You Want Who?

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 2075

Celestia is miserable, Luna tries to help, and somehow things get worse in the end.

After her failure to be with Twilight, Celestia mopes around in misery over not having her one true love. Which is why Luna is set to find someone else who can be with her sister. Only thing is, Celestia didn't think him of all people would be the one Luna was looking for.

Big thanks for the help from Mr101 and Flint Sparks!

Coverart from the very talented Joey-Darkmeat.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-04 04:10:06 UTC

Chapter 1: Visually Disturbing

“Tia, please, come on out!”

“Never!”

“You can’t hide in there forever!”

“I can sure as well try!”

“Dear sister, you can’t stay in the closet for the rest of your life!”

“Why not?”

Luna sighed and leaned her head against the oaken doors. “Sister, you have princess responsibilities, including not acting like a self-centered foal.”

The closet was quiet a moment longer, until it opened with Celestia’s eye peeking through a crack. “I’m not self-centered,” she protested in a whisper.

“But you are being a foal right now,” Luna pointed out. Forcing the closet doors open further with her magic, Luna managed to fully reveal the pitiful state Celestia was in.

Her sister’s once luminous and pristine white coat was raggy and a bit grayish around the edges, showing clear signs it needed a good washing. Her otherwise sharp and all-knowing eyes that spoke with the wisdom of centuries of experience were bloodshot with unappealing dark bags underneath them. Her mane was also a disaster, giving off signs that it seemed to have been used as a nest for a predatory bird of some sort. As if to accentuate her unkept appearance, she was wearing an old death metal t-shirt back in her more rebellious stage in her earlier adolescence. It looked like it hasn’t been washed in an entire millennium.

All in all, Celestia was a mess. And, of course, it was up to Luna to be the janitor and clean it up with mop and bucket and an unhealthy amount of disdain and resentment for her job.

“Ugh, Tia, look at you!” Luna complained. Sniffing, Luna instantly gagged to hold back a fast approaching retch. Holding a hoof to her nose to block off the wicked odor that threatened to invade her nostrils, Luna said, “You’re an absolute wreck! What caused you, Princess of Equestria, to fall to such a state?”

“I… I…” Celestia’s bottom lip quivered as tears threatened to spill uncontrollably once more. “I’m pathetic!”

While Luna wanted so desperately to agree, she knew now was not the time for irresistibly witty replies. “No, sister, you aren’t,” Luna said with as much reassurance she could muster in her voice. “You’re just a bit moody. It happens to the best of us.”

“I’m not depressed! I’m more than that!” Celestia cradled her muzzle in her hooves and sobbed. “I’m a miserable pile of self-hatred and pitifulness! No one will love me, and I’ll be alone forever!”

“Ahem,” Luna coughed, pointing to herself. “I’m right here, you know?”

“Oh please, Luna, I’m not going to do incest. You know how taboo that is?” Celestia rolled her eyes and muttered, “Even though half the nobles here are pompous, inbred little abominations that are too proud for their own badly muddled genetic pool.”

“Oooh, now I get it.” Luna nodded her head in understanding. “You’re still depressed Twilight didn’t return your feelings of love, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m just depressed because it’s Monday!” Celestia retorted bitterly.

Luna scowled. “Well, no need to be testy. I can understand your feelings, Tia, but know that I’m only trying to help. Sarcasm isn’t what will benefit you right now.”

Celestia’s face pouted further, water pooling in her impossibly wide eyes as she gave the most d’aww appropriate pout Luna had ever seen. Then Celestia abruptly threw herself at Luna’s forelegs and cried into her sister’s hooves.

“Luna, I’m so sorry!” Celestia sobbed, tears streaming down her face and pooling around Luna’s hooves. “I just get so sad and I feel so ugly because Twilight doesn’t love me and now no one else will and I’ll be alone literally forever and do you even know how long forever is?”

Luna looked down at her sister with wide eyes. Her horn was already aglow with magic as a tub of ice cream drifted into view. “Hey Tia, look what I have here,” Luna said, waving the tub of succulent dairy treat in front of her sister’s disdain stricken face. “Your favorite.”

Celestia instantly perked up as the ice cream tub caught her undivided attention. “Technicolor sherbert?”

“Yep,” Luna answered, dangling the tub just out of Celestia’s reach. The dingy princess’ attention was purely on the ice cream tub and nothing else, evident when Luna drifted the tub side to side with Celestia’s following it with her eyes. Throwing the tub across the room, Luna shouted, “Fetch!”

In a flash, Celestia pounced on the ice cream tub in midair. In one fell swoop, the tub had been slain, with Celestia already ripping open its lid to reveal it delicious entrails. At once she went down on it like a beast with a fresh kill, ignoring the use of spoon or etiquette as she gulped down ice cream without hardly tasting it or caring about the incredible amount of calories she was consuming. As of right now, the call for sugar was a killer instinct she could hardly ignore.

Wiping off the remaining teardrops from her coat, Luna sighed and approached Celestia. Luna immediately backed off in fright when her sister stared at her with an open mouth covered in technicolor slightly frozen cream and hissed a warning.

“For crying out loud, Tia, use a spoon,” Luna said, presenting the silver eating implement to the animalistic Celestia.

Looking from the tasty cold delight of the ice cream, then to the spoon, then to Luna’s slightly disgusted face, then repeating this process several more times, Celestia sighed. Accepting the spoon in her magical grip, Celestia dug out a chunk of ice cream and quickly gulped it down.

“I just don’t know what to do, Luna,” Celestia admitted, wiping away a dried tear from her cheek. “I mean, I really did think Twilight was the one. And now, I have no one. Not even Rainbow Dash wanted me. You know how sad that is?”

“Wait, you asked out Rainbow Dash?”

Celestia coughed into her hoof. “Uh… yeah.”

Luna lifted a brow. “How, exactly?”

“Um…” Celestia shrugged, scooping out more ice cream to feed her gluttonous misery induced appetite. “Does drunken phone calls at two in the morning count as asking her out?”

“... Oh for Pete’s sake, Tia.” Luna groaned and rubbed a hoof between the bridge of her nose. “You really are a mess right now, you know that?”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Celestia replied, digging out more of the multi-colored ice cream to brainlessly feast upon.

Luna perked up, a smile appearing on her face. “Actually, there is something you don’t know!”

“I know this ice cream is most likely expired,” Celestia said, throwing spoonfuls in her mouth like a machine.

“Yeah, but there’s something else! I know someone who likes you.” Luna grinned further, wiggling her eyebrows. “Like, they like like you.”

“Really?” Celestia asked, her spoon stopping in mid entry to her mouth. “Who?”

“Get cleaned up and I’ll introduce them to you!” Luna said, tugging her sister to the bathroom to get rid of her putrid stench of wallowing and angst.

“Oooh, I’m so excited!” Celestia practically squeed with joy, hooves up to her face as she giggled while Luna dragged her away.

“The excitement has decreased incredibly,” Celestia sighed.

“What?” Luna objected, pointing her hoof up overhead. “He likes you, so isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yes. For someone else. Perhaps a cute mare. But not… him.” Celestia groaned under her breath, staring dejectedly at the ground. “I took a shower for nothing. Nothing! Is this some type of cruel trick or something?”

Luna peered closer to the sky. “No, but it does look like he spelled out the words—or rather, misspelled—‘Diskord Ruels.’ I’m surprised he doesn’t know how to spell his own name,” Luna admitted. Up high above the two, Discord finished up his chaotic duty of graffiting the skies with his poorly spelled message using cotton candy clouds. “Actually, in hindsight, that makes perfect sense now.”

“How do you even know Discord likes me?” Celestia asked her.

Tapping her chin, Luna shrugged. “I just assumed, since he talks about you all the time.”

“What exactly does he talk about?”

“Well…” Luna’s cheeks blushed slightly. “Some things better left in private is all I can say.”

“He actually tells you this stuff?” Celestia asked, balking at her sister’s flushed face.

“Actually, he tells everyone. It’s included with the castle’s weekly newsletter.”

“Newsletter? I’ve never heard of this,” Celestia said.

Luna teleported a newspaper before her sister and opened it away; showcasing an outrageous and barely fitting within the margins of the news print photo of Celestia’s ass. It was perhaps in the most appealing angle of her own flank Celestia had ever seen.

“See, right here on page three,” Luna said, pointing a hoof to the oversized rear end.

“I can see that!” Celestia replied harshly, her face even redder than Luna’s. Taking the newspaper and crumbling it in a wad, Celestia asked angrily, “What I’m wondering is how Discord managed to take that photo, why he’s printing it in a newspaper, and why I was never alerted of it!”

“Well, Celly, dear, you have been trapped in the closet for the past week or so,” Discord whispered over her shoulder. Alarmed, Celestia jumped forward and accidentally tripped over her own hooves, falling with a crash on the grass of the lawn inside the castle courtyard. Picking her torso up from the ground with her behind high in the air, Celestia opened her eyes only to wince as a flash blinded her slightly in the corner of her eyes. “Oooh, and I got another page three material right here!”

Turning around, Celestia discovered Discord holding up a camera proudly in his claw while smiling deviously—with Luna holding back a giggle the entire time.

“Discord, don’t you dare print that in whatever scandalous newsletter you are running!” Celestia demanded, holding out her hoof. “Now, give me that camera!”

Discord spinned the camera on the tip of his finger, holding it up high out of Celestia’s reach. “I don’t think so, Sunbutt. See, I get bored, and when you started getting all mopey, I had to entertain myself somehow. I’ll have you know, my newsletter is one of the top sellers in Canterlot.”

“I don’t care! Printing such material about me is unacceptable, not to mention rude and completely unethical!”

“See, that’s why my newsletter is a top seller!” Discord laughed.

Staring down Discord with a stare that could cause entire planets to be engulfed in flames and infernos to overrun entire galaxies the likes of which only a collapsing star could compete with. “And here I thought you actually liked me, such as what my traitorous sister led me to believe.”

Luna rolled her eyes.

Discord returned her stare with one of his own, though much less menacing and more mismatched and whacky. “If this is about the erotic stories I publish in the newsletter about the two of us, I can assure you that it is purely fictional… well, except for some important and lower parts in concerns to me.”

Celestia grimaced. “You actually publish that sort of thing?”

“Top selling, remember?”

Shaking her head, Celestia took a step closer to stare him down—even though he was a few heads taller than her. “Give. It. To. Me. Now.”

Discord leaned downward, matching her hateful glare with just as much force. “Make me.”

In that instant, time seemed to stand still—literally—especially since that Celestia just stopped the sun in its orbit over the sky as her rage took on an unprecedented level. Luna sidestepped slowly, fearing the boiling release of anger about to take place between the two beings of exponentially powerful forces. It was going to be a doozy, she was sure.

Then… Celestia pounced and began kissing Discord, trespassing on the premises of his mouth and lips with a hungry, lustful tongue.

Discord, in turn, did what anyone in that situation would’ve. He shrugged and went with it, falling to the ground as Celestia became more furious with her lip smacking.

Then there was Luna, who stared at the two with a mix of shock and slight disgust. Scratch that, it was full disgust now that she saw where Celestia’s hooves were going.

“Oh, come on! We’re out in public for crying out loud! Get a room!” Luna winced and held back the unwelcoming approach of vomit at the sight of Discord and Celestia becoming frisky. “And hopefully one with thick walls!”