WOUNDSALT: THE CUT BITS

by OneUppington

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Romance, Original Character
Length: 1314

This is the place where bad literature gone to die. Turn back, those with souls.

In an attachment to my slice of life comedy Woundsalt, Mother Bucker, I decided to make a literature pit of wrongness too bad for the Teen Rating.

This is that pit.

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE

Published 2013-12-04 17:40:08 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-04 17:40:08 UTC

The True Diamond Heart Dream

To whomever found this room underneath my bed,

I don’t know how long this secret’s been kept deep within my orphanage, but I do know you have a lot of questions about what you see in here. However, just in case you are one of my children when you read this, please for your sake hand this letter to a reasonable adult, tell them where you found this, show them the trap door and leave it to them. Immediately. Right now. Trust me, it’s not what a child your age should know. Look, I know. It bites, but just trust me when I say you are better off not knowing, Okay sweetie? Okay. Now do as I wrote now. Atta Boy/Girl.

Not-Mommy loves you.

Diamond Heart. Xoxoxox

Right, now that that’s out of the way.

This was supposed to be a bunker for in case an attack occurs on the orphanage. I never used it, thankfully. Which is why I changed it into my sex dungeon.

… Okay, in hindsight there would be a better way to write that down, but c’mon. Look around you. You are in a room filled with dildos and other equipment of sexual pleasure under my bedchamber; it’s not like it’s an extra kitchen!

So yeah, I’m a nymphomaniac. Arguably, a sex addict too, but I don’t really think so.

It started with Celestia.

When I moved here from Mane, the West side of Canterlot was in a dire need of help. The streets were derelict, everyone’s cruel to each other, and the crime rate was getting worse by the day; it was horrible. Worst of all, there were children out on those streets! It hurts me to this day to even imagine a foal out there on those streets! So after all of the elbow grease, sleepless nights and bake sales I along with many volunteers began to clean up the streets. A temporary soup kitchen here, graffiti paint-over there… It didn’t take long to see change. And this change took the notice of Her Grace.

She invited me to come to her castle to discuss building up a centre to care for all who need it most, which eventually became this orphanage. I was so psyched I was shaking all the way from my apartment to her thrown room. And as the doors opened all I saw was her beauty on the other side. Her white coat, her rainbow hair, her majestic wings, her beautiful horn! Such grace! Such glory! It was just so hard to focus on the plans with her! She is as great as they say.
On that night, she appeared in a dream, on a golden furnished bed. Looking directly into my eyes with a face that says ‘Come here.’ I drank a potion that I had in my left hoof, which -
[FOR THE SAKE OF COMIC EFFECT, AND OF COURSE THE SAKE OF THE TEEN RATING, THIS SECTION WILL BE CENSORED. KEEP IN MIND; WOUNDSALT WILL BE SEEING WHAT VILE INFORMATION THIS CENSOR HAS HIDDEN FROM YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE. ANY FURTHER POTENTIAL OFFENCES TO READERS’ EYEBALLS WILL BE CENSORED BY A BUNCH OF SONGS I REGRETTABLY HAVE ON MY IPOD. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. – WELSHY.]

And when the potion was in full effect I - [MY LITTLE PONY, MY LITTLE PONY. ISN'T THE WORLD A LOVELY PLACE? MY LITTLE PONY, MY LITTLE PONY EVERYWHERE YOU GO, A SMILING FACE]

I woke up in fear of my mind and my body that night.
The dream continued in the following nights, with few differences. Different bed, different potion, she drank it, we both drank the same potion, we both drank separate potions; But it always ends in sexual depravity. It was distracting through the first days of construction of the orphanage and I couldn’t think straight at all. Something had to be done to sate, what I called it at that time, my corruption. Heavy praying didn’t cut it. Chai tea made it worse. Yoga made it even worse than the tea. I had one option left I could think of. Giving my ‘demons’ what they wanted. I went to a store close to my apartment, bought my first toy, went home and - [CALL UPON THE SEA PONIES WHEN YOU'RE IN DISTRESS. HELPFUL AS CAN BE PONIES - SIMPLY SIGNAL S.O.S.!]

And it was bliss. From the moment I - [DRESSED LIKE A DREAM; THEY'RE ALL DRESSED LIKE A DREAM. TAKE A LOOK AND YOU'LL AGREE THEY STEPPED RIGHT OUT OF A FANTASY!] To the part I – [BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! WHAT DO WE WANT WITH BOYS? ONE'S A BULLY! ONE'S A BRUTE! BUT SOME I THINK ARE AWFULLY CUTE!].

On that night, I had an epiphany. I realised that my dreams weren’t evil.

Every fibre in my being is to care; to all who need it most, Princess Celestia told me so. According to her, if physically possible, I could take care of all Equestria.

Maybe, just maybe, this is care for myself? That’s the only way I can explain it anyway.

So I took care of myself every night. Not because of the dreams. They were gone. Now, it’s because I can. Then, when getting some more ‘tools’ I met some colt that needed some caring too. Then I met another colt. Then I met a mare. Then I met a couple which were tempted to have an extra for their anniversary (Her idea, apparently). Soon, my little black book became that humongous pile of paper in the farthest right corner.

I’m surprised how well this secret is kept, to be honest. The closest call was with Doctor Lab Coat’s son, Dry. The poor doctor did not have a good time after his wife passed away. He is constantly choosing his children over his work and it was costing him both in pocket and in reputation. He is constantly getting into fights with his colleagues over his daughter, Rain. She was born with an extraordinary gift, which all of Lab’s colleagues wish to experiment on. He, being the magnificent father as he is, did not want his daughter to become some new lab rat for them to play with. So the doctor and his children stayed in the orphanage, under the belief that none of his enemies would think of going West side to look for him.

Never have I seen a pony sacrificing everything just so his kids can live the closest to a normal life they can get. No surprise he was the only colt I started to go out with. He was the closest thing to a sensible relationship I ever had.

Mind you, that didn’t stop us having fun in the bedroom. Granted, not as wild as my one-night stands, but it is better with him. Unfortunately, little Dry Coat was coming in to tell his father that his sister had another ‘moment’ while in the playground. The poor thing opened my door to see [WHO’S A SILLY PONY? YOU’RE A SILLY PONY. WHO IS? YOU IS, APPLEJACK.]. Only after I [SOMETHING BAD IS COMING DOWN - HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? GET INSIDE...BETTER RUN AND HIDE - NOTHING CAN STOP THE SMOOZE!] did I see him standing there, shivering. Taking the trombone off my head, I went to give him a soda and a talk about birds and bees. After that, Doctor Lab Coat wanted us to marry. I accepted the day before the Flash Storm of ’83. I told only his children what was meant to be.

Mrs Diamond Coat…

I ended all of this after that, and continued taking care of the children; which I plan to do till the day I die.

Use this information if you must.

Diamond Heart.

Author's Note

Okay, pervs. Here it is in all it's Un-Teen Glory.