The CMC Listen to Diamond Tiara

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Gore, Diamond Tiara
Length: 6628

Oh those Cutie Mark Crusaders, with such innocent attempts to get cutie marks such as trying to stop a train with their faces, handling deadly snakes, and becoming Nazis.

It's your typical tale of the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying desperately to get their cutie marks. Though a wrench gets thrown in the celestial mix because Diamond Tiara is giving them tips to get theirs. Let's just say that it shouldn't end well for them. Note: Please don't try any of this at home, we don't need more Nazis jumping off of rooftops.

Published 2013-12-27 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-27 23:00:02 UTC

Don't Start Wigging Out, This is The Start

A few things you should know before reading.

One: The CMC stands for Cutie Mark Crusaders, a local group started by a trio of young ponies of differing races and walks of life who have united in the search for cutie marks.

Two: You can’t trust a duck. But you can, in fact, hypnotize one.

Three: So far the CMC have attempted dangerous activities in the quest to finally be ordained mature in the eyes of their peers such as ziplining, bowling, and creating a giant head of lettuce that wreaked havoc upon Ponyville during a parade. So far their attempts have not yielded any successful results.

Four: Never listen to Diamond Tiara. She’s not totally wrong, but just don’t do it.

It’s one of those plain days where little happens, which seems to be a lot more common since that one nerd moved out of town after becoming an alicorn. What’s worse is that it is also one of those days where it’s almost too cold to play outside, but not cold enough that it’s snowing so that left the children at the Ponyville schoolhouse in quite the predicament. This is especially true given that the teacher, Miss Cheerilee, thought it would be a marvelous plan to have the children be forced to frolic outside so that she could have privacy to delve into Berry Punch’s secret stash. Of course, the fillies and colts did so, but the activity that they all seemed to be engaged in was a heated and intellectual discussion on a topic that was bound to stir the imagination and boggle the mind.

“No way, a train wouldn’t derail if you put a bit on a track!”

Truly it was a debate that shall be remembered for eternity.

“I’m totally serious, my uncle is a conductor and he said that ponies in every town have to make sure the track is totally clear or else something as small as a bit could cause the train to be a little detached and just fly off and crash!”

Scootaloo’s feathers were beginning to get ruffled, as this argument seemed to be going on since they stepped out of the class. Of course, given that the young colt was pretending that his toy train went off the toy track after a toy bit was laid on it, what was she supposed to do? Get toy mad? Clearly she did the sensible thing.

“It’s impossible, a train is too heavy! It’d just crush the bit right into the track or something!”

“Everypony knows it’s true! Just the other day my uncle told me an old lady was crossing some tracks and she dropped her coinpurse, and she she went to pick up the last coin that was on the track a train just went by and totally came off the track and missed her! Well, most of her. Okay, just her right hoof. But still, you see?”

“You’re nuts. Even if the coin did anything, it would just be a little bump. It wouldn’t fly!”

“You can’t fly!”

This statement was true, which is very embarrassing for a pegasus pony. And while Scootaloo would simply shrug it off under normal circumstances, this remark truly struck a nerve. Scootaloo reared up and prepared to go into full combat-mode. Luckily, nopony had to die this day because she was dragged off by her two friends who saw what was about to happen.

Applebloom was the first of her friends to speak up. “Alright Scootaloo, back off. The last thing we need is to be put in detention again.”

Scootaloo got back on her hooves and shook her head, turning to face her friends. “Yeah, you’re right. Still, I can’t believe anypony could think that! I mean, it doesn’t make any sense!”

“Alright, but we got bigger fish to fry. What’s next on the CMC agenda? We need to think up some new ideas for cutie marks! It seems like all the good ones were taken.”

Each of them were scratching their individual chins in concentration, attempting to conceive of any possible solution to their problem. This went on for several minutes before Sweetie Belle finally squeaked up.

“Hey! I know! Alright, now just bear with me.” The other two were leaning in close in anticipation. “Now you know how Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark is a rainbow?” They began to nod slowly. “And Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark is sparkles, right?” They were nodding furiously now. “So that must mean-”

“That must mean that you three are still nowhere near finding out your special talents.” All eyes were immediately fixed upon she who spoke these dire words. However, the eyes returned back to their appropriate sockets after realizing it was the one and only, until the basement is discovered, Diamond Tiara accompanied by Silver Spoon.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Scootaloo said, her ire rising yet again.

“It’s only that you three have been trying all these new things and so far nothing seems to have worked. Maybe if you took a little friendly advice you might be as successful as I.”

“Don’t believe her, girls! It’s all just a lie.”

“Oh please, lying? That’s such a commoner thing to do. Besides, have I ever lied to any of you before?”

While Diamond Tiara may seem mean spirited, often harassing the many other children, one could not immediately deny this claim. The trio looked at one another, but it seems that not one of them could dispute this, so they then turned their attention to her, with Scootaloo speaking for them as their representative. “Alright, so what would be your idea?”

“I’m glad you’ve come to see things my way. Well now, you’re not going to get anywhere doing things that clearly everypony’s already done before. So you have to do something drastic, something original, something that’ll definitely give you a cutie mark!”

The CMC were beginning to lean in, nodding in agreement.

“So, here’s an idea. Why not try and stop a speeding train with your face?”

Hopes were shattered, dreams were torn asunder, and bowels were obstructed. The CMC gave a collective scoff at this and prepared to walk away.

“Wait, think for a second. Nopony else has a cutie mark for that, right? And really, it only takes one of you to stop it and the other two will be just fine.”

Applebloom looked at both Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and it was inherent in their faces that it was very true that Diamond Tiara was not lying. “Alright girls, let’s do this!” And the other two let out a collective “Yay!” and they began to charge off. Unfortunately they passed by Featherweight who stopped them in their tracks with the almost magical words of “We’re still in school, remember?” And they slowly trudged back with their heads hanging.

Let's Block a Train with our Faces!

After the state run babysitting facility released hordes of young ponies upon the world, in other words school was over, the CMC immediately ran to the nearest set of train tracks. Once they arrived, they quickly took their place on one of the wooden ties between the long metal slats and waited. Luckily it seemed they did not have to wait too long, as they could see a column of smoke rising just over the hills showing that the train was going to be there soon.

Scootaloo, though, had some unfinished business to be taken care of as she swiftly galloped a bit towards the train along the tracks. There, she placed a coin and then returned to her place amongst her friends. “Sorry, once we’re done with this I want to prove that jerk wrong.” And with that, they all stared forward as a train barreled right towards them.

While the outside was practically freezing, the interior of the train was actually quite cozy, as the heat from the engine tended to make all the cars seem a bit more warm than they had any right to be. Those who were riding on this train most definitely deserved it. Such were the thoughts of one simple assistant conductor who was moving along the cars ensuring that all the passengers were well. While the smiles on the faces of the youthful ponies were enough to provide an intrinsic reward to this job, there was still no thanks to be shared. Or so he thought. One young filly gently took his hand as he passed by and looked up at him with thankful eyes.

“Sir, thank you for letting us ride on this train. I just wish that we could all get our parents back though.” The filly said, hanging her head in defeat.

The assistant conductor smiled and patted the filly on the head. “Things may look bleak now, but given time things may get better. Besides, the conductor has been doing his best to make sure you all are happy, even if he gets punished. He doesn’t have to worry though, because he’s just two days from retirement. So if any of you would like any requests, feel free to speak up.”

The children all along the train stood up in their seats and cheered, and the cheering continued long after the assistant retired to the cabin in the front of the train. Given that this was no ordinary train run, he spoke to the conductor.

“Sir, something seems a bit off. Why are all of the passengers orphans?”

The gruff mustachio’d unicorn who operated the train let out a grunt to clear his throat before replying. “Welp, I figure that them folks up in Canterlot got some good reason or other for it.”

“Those kids seem to really love this train ride. So what are you going to do after you retire?”

The conductor looked out at the vast landscape to the side, taking in a great appreciation for the grand beauty of the land and openly said. “I should buy a boat.”

“A boat? That sounds pretty nifty. Well I hope that one day when I’m as experienced as you, instead of just some rookie, I’ll be able to understand why.”

The conductor would’ve elaborated, but his eyes opened wide and he pulled on the steamwhistle on the train as soon as he saw three young fillies standing on the track in the distance. This train is going much too fast though, unless they move out of the way they’ll be crushed! He pulled several levers and the train began to release a deafening screech from the wheels upon the tracks as the conductor tried desperately to stop it, but it was no use, the train is bound to collide with the children!

But something happened. The fillies disappeared from sight. But so did the tracks, and the ground. All that could be seen was the sky. Hope remained that some pony of astounding strength stopped the train, but this hope was extinguished when the view shifted to a series of buildings on their sides. The train hadn’t been stopped, it was rolling over! The conductor tried to hold on, but as soon as the train hit the ground again he flew forward into one of the many levers which impaled him through the skull, splashing grey matter on the face of the assistant who was hanging desperately onto the door handle for safety. Ground came up as metal burrowed its way into the soil, and the train finally came to a halt.

The assistant saw what had become of the conductor and became ill, but resisted any urges he may have had as he had to focus on another matter. He opened the door that he was hanging on to and stepped through the doorway, seeing that the other door connecting to the nearby passenger car was opened as well. What he saw as he peered into the passenger car is best left described in the loosest of terms as a menagerie of gore, and when he averted his sight he spotted a trail of crimson along the ground leading away from the wreckage. He stepped into the chill outside and followed the trail to the filly he had met just moments before. She was mashed to say the least, and covered in all sorts of contusions and cuts, and she was holding her stomach which was clearly troubling her the most. He held her in his hooves and tried to comfort her. She was already much too cold.

“Please, stay awake. Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll get you to a hospital, just stay awake!”

She gathered the strength to look at him, her eyes glazing over and beginning to dim. She then finally became limp, her hoof moving aside and exposing coils of pink intestine. With futility the assistant tried to push the trail of organ back inside her but it was of no use, she was gone. He then looked to the heavens above and let out a yell, cursing the existence of whatever being would allow such a travesty to happen and damning the culprits for it’s cause.

He was cut short, in multiple ways, as his speech was interrupted by the cabin of the train exploding. The explosion hurled forth one of the heavy metal wheels which collided and separated half of his body, reducing it to little more than red sludge. None who rode the train that day survived. Still, at least they weren’t riding a bus.

The CMC watched as the train flew off the tracks. As the wreckage smoldered, burned and the head car exploded only one thing was said.

“Well . . . I owe someone an apology.” Said Scootaloo.

The trio began to leave the scene and headed towards Ponyville, conversing along the way.

“Nobody got a cutie mark from that?” Applebloom said, causing the three to look at their flank areas. Much to the disappointment, their rears were blank. “Welp, I guess this means it’s back to the drawing board.”

Sweetie Belle piped up “Too far. Let’s go back to Diamond Tiara.”

They all agreed and continued along their way.

They Don't Believe They Can Fly, But They Can Try!

The CMC returned to Diamond Tiara, who turned out to be rather surprised by their appearance. “You three? I thought I told you all to get lost.”

Applebloom was swift to reply. “Actually, you said we should stop a train with our faces. Well we tried that, but the train went and flew off the tracks. While we’re waiting for another, got any other ideas that we can try out?”

“Wait, so you three actually tried that?”

They all nodded in reply.

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped and only remained suspended in the air by the muscles and other bodily tissues that prevented it from hitting the ground. Immediately she knew what she could do, and fixed her face back to a more honest expression. “Alright, well since you all seem so eager, I’ll give it a shot. There’s not many earth ponies or unicorns with talents for flying, right? So how about you two try jumping off a roof and see what happens.”

Naturally, Scootaloo, being the only pegasus in the group who by all means should have the natural ability to fly, spoke up in protest. “Wait, what about me?”

“Oh, I don’t know. How about you try and use magic? Should be pretty hard since you don’t have a horn.”

The CMC proudly replied “Okay!” in unison and scampered off, unaware that Diamond Tiara was grinning as they exited from eyesight. Regardless, Sweetie Belle took the lead.

“Alright, let’s head over to my sister’s. The shop has, like, three floors!” And with that they soon arrived. They opened the door and entered into the carousel boutique. Inside was the standard shop arrangement, except that Rarity was hanging from the ceiling from a noose, again. “Hey Rarity, me and my Applebloom are going to jump off the roof!” Rarity of course said nothing because she was a bit tied up at the moment.

Scootaloo, who had no real part in the matter left the shop and waited by the doorway. “You go ahead, I’ll wait for you two down here. I’ll just be busy trying to cast magic I guess.” The other two of course could not wait as they ascended several floors and came up to a window. Sweetie Belle opened up the window and climbed up to the roof of the shop and was followed by Appleboom. There, they could see just about every roof in Ponyville and every pony walking about the streets, all of whom did not seem to mind two fillies standing on top of a tall building. Among the many things they could spot, they also managed to catch a glimpse of a cart carrying a mass of pillows coming up to the door of the shop before disappearing under the edge of the roof.

“Awright, I gots me sum here pillas for a miss Rarity? Is there a miss Rarity he-yuh? Ey, you!” The large pegasus in a baseball cap said, pointing at little Scootaloo. “You gots the knowin’ o’ who dis miss Rarity is?”

Scootaloo pointed at Rarity, who was clearly visible from the doorway, and who was also still hanging from the ceiling.

“‘Scuse me ma’m, I gots the pillas you ordered!” With this announcement the length of rope tied in such a delicate manner became undone and Rarity trotted up to the doorway.

“Oh, thank you darling.”

“Is you gonna be awright ma’m?”

“Of course! I was simply hanging around.”

“Awright then, just sign heyuh an heyuh.” The stallion held a clipboard in his mouth with the pen tucked neatly in the metal clip. Rarity removed the pen and began to sign.

“Alright” Sweetie said “Let’s do this!” And both she and Applebloom jumped off the roof. Luckily they managed to stay airborne for at least several seconds before landing on top of a soft white mound which cushioned their fall. Unfortunately, that mound was named Rarity.

Rarity was stunned by the blow and the ensuing chaos had cause the delivery pony to flee, as most would do at the sight of children falling from the sky. The two CMC however remained unphased and joined with their third member who remarked “Wow, that was awesome! Too bad it doesn’t seem like it worked.”

The two peered at each other’s behinds and were subsequently crushed by the absence of their cutie marks. “And it doesn’t look like you had much luck either.” Observed Sweetie.

“Yeah, which is weird because I’m pretty sure I helped get Rarity down.”

“Well that’s just silly. It was probably aliens.”

They all agreed on this answer, given that it was probably not wrong. Given that there was little else to do here, Appleboom suggested “Hey girls, let’s go see if Diamond Tiara has any more ideas!” And again they all agreed and galloped away from the broken mass known as Rarity.

They Become Nazis. What Else Needs Saying?

The Cutie Mark Crusaders searched high and low through Ponyville. This is to say that they climbed to the higher points in town, looked around, and then fell to the ground on a consistent basis. After a while they eventually spotted Diamond Tiara inside Sugarcube Corner, but she was dressed up in a rather ridiculous looking robe that mostly concealed her except for her tail which stuck out oh so obviously. Given the inconspicuous nature of this outfit, they did the most sensible thing and approached her, loudly, saying “Hi” all at once.

Diamond Tiara’s spine chilled, her entire form became rigid, and every hair on her small frame stood up in fright. In other words she was totally freaking out. Nevertheless, she regained her composure and nonchalantly turned around and said “Oh, it’s you three again. How did you find me?”

“Well you see.” Began Applebloom. “We jumped off a roof to try and fly, but that didn’t work out. So now we thought you’d give us another thing to try out!” Her two companions both noded in agreement. “By the way, what are you doing here?”

Diamond Tiara started loudly sweating. “Well uh, you see, I just came here to, um.” She looked around but saw that she could not totally bail out of this situation, so she did the honest thing and lied. “I just came here to laugh at all you neanderthals who would bother to stuff your mouths with this filth, ha!”

“One milkshake for Diamond Tiara! Here you go!” Said Pinkie Pie, placing a tall glass filled with oh so delicious ice creamy goodness on the counter. As always, the local baker had impeccable timing.

Her mouth was practically glued shut. She silently took ahold of the glass with her magic and held it near her head, her mind drawing a complete blank as her body acted on it’s own. She would need to invent something grand to get her out of this mess.

Suddenly all the lights in the bakery began to flicker, mostly due to Pinkie Pie turning on the strobe lights. “Hey everypony, let’s all go to Berry Punch’s place! She’s been sober for a whole five hours!” With this, everypony left the building to observe this miracle leaving behind the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Diamond Tiara who was still holding the milkshake.

All this commotion, however, gave her the time to come up with an idea. Adopting her usual airs, Diamond Tiara held her snout high. “I only bought this so that I could make a point of how it is only suitable for the dirt.” She said. She then poured the milkshake on the floor until it was mostly empty and placed the glass back on the counter. “Anyway, I believe I may have something for you. Here, take this.” She lifted a pamphlet from her robe and passed it to the three. “It came from some angry guy with a tiny mustache speaking some weird language. Now please, study it away from my presence.”

Sweetie Belle took the pamphlet and the trio begrudgingly fled the premises, leaving Diamond Tiara alone in the bakery. There, she remained, staring at the mess on the floor, regretful of the choice she had made. A single droplet of water fell from her eye, and she left the building to return home. The shop, however, did not remain empty as the crowd from earlier flooded back in because, as Pinkie Pie put it so eloquently, “False alarm!”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders on the other hoof were in their treehouse headquarters, looking over the pamphlet. The title of it was “Nazism for Kids!” and it had a predominantly red color to it with a large white circle emblazoned on both sides which held Swastika. Because it was not schoolwork, the three fillies studied the pamphlet with great fervor and by the end of a few minutes they were capable of reciting it’s entirety back and forth.

“Okay, so basically we need to ‘persecute the jewish threat’ for the sake of our country?” Scootaloo announced. “Sounds easy enough. Let’s go!” And the three left the building and ran along the road blindly.

Their journey, however, happened to be postponed when Sweetie Belle asked “Wait, what’s a jewish threat?”

The trio halted abruptly and began to ponder with hooves to their chins as to decipher the meaning of the message. However, they could offer no solutions. Although it seems that Applebloom had an idea “Let’s ask my sis, she might know.” And they headed off to Sweet Apple Acres.

The apple orchard of Sweet Apple Acres is almost as eventful a place as Ponyville, what with the zap apples, cider season, that giant black death rooster, the apple milk controversy. Actually, when you think about it, Sweet Apple Acres is kinda a terrible place. But hey, they got cheap fruit so whatcha gonna do? Don’t answer that. Anyways, the CMC found themselves there soon enough and went up to Applejack who was violently assaulting innocent trees to force them to release their grasp on the fruit that they bore.

“Hey sis!” Said Applebloom. “We got something we want to ask you.”

Applejack stopped kicking the trees, literally, and turned to face the three fillies. “Well howdy there. What’s it you wanted to ask?”

“What’s the jewish threat?”

Applejack’s face lost most all it’s color, her jaw dropped, and she just stared open eyed at her younger sister. “Applebloom! Where did you learn such language? Jewish people ain’t a threat!”

The younger apple pony began to cower as Applejack raised her voice. “I’m sorry Applejack. We were just curious is all.”

Applejack calmed herself and returned to her usual tone of voice, which was still rather obnoxiously loud. “It’s okay I guess, you ain’t got the knowin’ about that sorta thing I guess. Anyways, remember that Adam Sandler fella who visited a while back? That human was jewish.”

“Oh, thanks sis!”

“Not a problem Applebloom. Why did you wanna know, anyhow?”

“Oh, well we’re gonna be Nazis! Seeya!” Applebloom and her friends seem to be satisfied and ran off leaving behind a thoroughly shocked Applejack who fainted from this concept. Dinners are now going to be very weird at the Apple house.

With the core of their new pursuit shaken like a foal, the Cutie Mark Crusaders returned to their base of operations which was located in a treehouse to discuss the matter. Scootaloo was the first to announce their concerns. “Well that was a bust. What else do Nazis do?”

Sweetie took the pamphlet that was left on the floor from earlier and looked it over. “I don’t know, it just says ‘persecute the jewish threat’ over and over for two pages.”

“Well that’s just nuts. Adam Sandler was pretty cool!”

Sweetie Belle was about to object when an intruder entered into their headquarters unannounced. The Cutie Mark Crusaders quickly got into fighting stance, however were confused when the human dressed in a suit and tie spoke. “No need to panic, my name is Barack Obama. Have you three seen a german man with black hair and a tiny mustache running around? His name is Adolf Hitler.”

Applebloom took charge and proudly stated “We haven’t seen anyone like that, now leave!”

Ashamed, the gentleman was about to just book it when he glimpsed the pamphlet on the floor and picked it up. “Have you youngsters read this yet?”

They all nodded, which was rather difficult while they remained in their epic fighting stance.

“Well let me tell you something about the Nazi’s…” And the gentleman went on for several hours. It seems that he used his super secret attack, lecture, a common threat that all adults happen to have under their belts. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were immediately put to sleep, as they learned to do thanks to years in the educational system, however they also learned to wake up at the end and manage to catch “So as you see, you should stop all this Nazi nonsense.”

“Well gee” began Scootaloo, “Thanks for telling us this. We’ll never be Nazis again.” And the two other crusaders solemnly agreed.

“Alright, well I’ll be off. And watch out, Hitler can be anywhere.” And with this last statement, the man left. The CMC looked out the window and luckily found no sign of him, unluckily they did manage to see that it was now the late evening and the sun was starting to fall. However, today has probably been the most productive of all, so they decided to continue the streak and look for Diamond Tiara for another chance at finally getting their cutie marks!

Lions and Bears and Snakes, Hot Dog!

Ah bedtime, one of the only parts of the day where peace and quiet and genuinely found. And likewise, it was the bane of all children. However, Diamond Tiara was told that the antithesis of this idea was true as well, and that going to bed when she was told was a very mature act to follow, and like clockwork she always fell asleep at the same time every night. Tonight would have been no different, yet as she lay in bed in a light slumber she was awoken by a sudden draft followed by the feeling of hot air against her. She opened her eyes slightly which beheld three figures peering at her from beside her bed. She let out a yelp and backed against the wall, scattering covers as she did so in her fright.

One of the figures turned on a nearby lamp which showed that the three creatures of darkness were, in fact, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. This just made Diamond Tiara scream for five minutes straight. Though she remained outraged and terrified, she calmed down enough to speak clearly. “What are you doing in my room?”

Applebloom, given that she was in the middle of the trio, elaborated. “Well ya’ see, we tried to become Nazis like that paper you gave us said, but that didn’t work out so well. So we thought you might help us out a bit more!”

Diamond Tiara knew at that moment that she must do everything she can to try and get rid of these three ruffians. It’s not as though she exactly needs her beauty sleep, but it’s still nice to catch some Z’s. As such, she said “Alright, how about you three try to tame animals? But instead of dogs, cats, or ducks, you should try and tame Snakes, Lions, and Bears. Now please, get out.” And she pointed at the door. With a cheer and various forms of agreement the CMC left. With the intruders gone, she straightened out the covers and snuggled back into the cozy land of dreams.

After a well deserved rest, our noble crusaders ventured forth to gather up the animals necessary to obtain their cutie marks. They opted with the hardest to find first, and went ahead to straight up jack a lion from the Everfree Forest by luring it into the open by using meat steaks, which were in great supply after some train flew off the tracks yesterday. This only worked for so long, because as soon as the lion noticed that the steaks led to a stool with Applebloom ready to crack the whip at any time it just totally bailed. In all fairness, many animals would run from a filly with a whip, not because of the whip but because of the cops.

The next animal that they tried to add to their menagerie was a bear, which were not as difficult as you’d imagine because bears are pretty common inhabitants of the nearby woods and stumble into town more often than you’d think but less than you’d hope. The fillies led the bear using one of the meat steaks until it was on a giant metal plate, and once it was fully on the plate they threw it the steak which it ate happily. This was until they threw a nearby switch and the plate became red-hot and the bear started stepping from one foot to the other to try and not burn itself. Bears may be pretty dumb, but this one at least managed to find out that getting off of the plate was the best idea, so it did just that and now it’s running around Ponyville totally going nuts.

It was evident that they would have to start small and work their way up, so then they went to snakes. They had to be careful though, because if they messed around with a poisonous one things could end up bad for them. They went past the obvious deadly ones: rattlesnakes, corn snakes, water snakes, black mambas, ball pythons, trouser snakes, chocolate snakes, and death adders given their inherent unsafety and went with just a plain old spitting cobra. Because how’s a snake supposed to kill by spitting? That’d just be silly. But the winged orange pony, the white unicorn with a fluffy purple mane, and yellow ginger pony that compose the Ponyville branch of Cutie Mark Crusaders forgot to bring a container so they just left it on the side of the road while in search of a pot. It left the moment they set it down.

After the incident yesterday, the train system encountered many difficulties. Yet, trains still managed to run both from and to Manehattan, which turned out to be very good for the visiting Babs Seed, as her parents thought it would be nice to let her spend a winter with her cousin Applebloom and their family to celebrate the latter part of the year for a more cultured experience. Really this was just an excuse to get her out of the neighborhood because some stuff was going to go down in Manehattan, something big. Regardless, the trip was still a good idea as it gave Babs the best way to break the news that the Manehattan branch of the CMC was not going over so well as most of the younger ponies in her neighborhood were finding a vested interest in pasta and crack cocain. Still, maybe her cousin made some progress that she could apply to her tactics in the city.

This would not happen because as soon as she got off the platform a snake came by and lifted it’s head to stare at her. Babs stared right back at it, learning from various reliable sources like that foreign pony who works at the local linguini joint that if you stare at a snake it’ll totally freak out and go to sleep. Although staring open eyed at it was probably not a good idea because it spit venom right at her corneas and just slithered away, leaving Babs writhing on the ground, yelling in pain.

Babs managed to get back on her hooves, and guessed that it would be best if she tried to find some help. However, all her screaming attracted a lion from out of nowhere that pounced on her and knocked her onto her back. It was about to eat her face off, exclusively, as lions are one to do, but it filled up on raw steaks left on cold ground which did not sit well with it so it just fled the scene. Coincidentally, this incident was related to the great lion cholera outbreak of that year. Nopony can say exactly how many ponies died, because it’s not exactly a disease that crosses species but the Canterlot officials mark the toll somewhere in the hundreds. They’re never wrong, right? Just ask Princess Luna.

Blinded, bruised, and landing in a pile that should’ve been covered with hay Babs decided she should just go back to Manehattan, because it is clearly one of those days. She was right for the most part, because a bear went up to her and picked her up by the nape of her neck with it’s huge maw, but did not necessarily bite down hard enough to break the skin, and it dragged her to a cave on the outskirts of town. It laid upon the cavern floor which was covered in the remainders of whatever the bear could find to build it’s bulk for the winter, and held the pony close to it with one enormous paw which prevented her escape.

Try as she might, but every time Babs lifted the paw even the slightest the bear would roar briefly and strengthen its grip on her. Escape was impossible, and so Babs spent the rest of the year in that cave living off of being scraps she could scrounge off the floor and condensation from dripping stalactites. Amazingly, this treatment was a lot better than what she got at that pasta restaurant down the street, so when she managed to get back to civilization and then went back to Manehattan she didn’t complain all that much.

When the Cutie Mark Crusaders returned to the spot where they left the snake only to discover that it was now missing, they were quite devastated.

“Well great.” Said Scootaloo, who hung her head down in failure. “Looks like another bad idea.”

Applebloom, who was similarly disappointed, offered the most logical option for her companions. “Welp, I suppose we ought to head back to Diamond Tiara on account of this didn’t work out.” They both agreed with her, and trotted about Ponyville for the sake of finding the one who started them on all this.

Not All Good Things Come To An End.

Along a silent, dusty road, there was nary a pony in sight. Being flanked on this minute stretch of land would possibly be the ultimate sign of ignorance of one’s surroundings, and for this expressed purpose it was suitable to delay any potential ambush. Diamond Tiara strode along this solitary street on her way to the school house, perpetually cautious lest she be caught unaware yet again by the troublesome Cutie Mark Crusaders.

She turned a corner and the school house was in sight now. She knew that if she just arrived, she would be protected by the almighty rule above all else that expressly forbid speaking in class. Only then would she find sanctuary. She drew closer and closer, practically only a few steps away. And then the CMC popped out of a spider hole in the ground in front of her, forcing her into a state of shock that was so very great it froze her in place.

“Hey Diamond Tiara!” The three said all at the same time.

Applebloom raised a most inquisitive eyebrow, which became so very inquisitive that it infected the rest of Applebloom with an inquisitive nature. “Hey, Diamond Tiara, are you alright?” She inquired, tapping the stiff filly. Diamond Tiara’s form became unsteady and fell on it’s side, still perfectly rigid.

“I think she’s dead. Should we still break the news?” Sweetie asked as the three gathered over the body and loomed over it.

“No time like the present!” Scootaloo said to Sweetie before looking down and speaking directly to the petrified Diamond Tiara. “Listen, we decided that since we didn’t have any luck with your ideas, we may as well stick with our own. It’s getting sorta exhausting going back and forth and looking all over for you. Well, seeya!” And with that the three all bid her farewell and entered the school house.

Diamond Tiara awoke several moments after they had finally disappeared and the thought had reached her that she was free at last! Oh glory to all, she was free from the constant badgering of those three! She go up and wiped her brow with the back of her hoof, and felt an immense burden fall free off her. Now she would go on from this day as a free filly, no, a free mare! But then Silver Spoon, her best friend, showed up.

“Hey DT! I bet you missed me, huh? Yeah, the hospital was pretty lame, but now I’m finally out and we can get our revenge on those three brats!”

Diamond Tiara simply entered the school house and Silver Spoon followed, and everything went back to the way it was. Minus a train full of orphans, much of Rarity’s bone structure, one angry german ruler and one U.S. President, and an entire youth’s winter that should have been spent with family instead spent in the paws of a giant, fluffy bear whilst tripping on cave mushrooms.

The moral of the story is never listen to Diamond Tiara, even if she is not a duck.