Fifty things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do
Things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do.
Ivory Scroll was looking wearily at the large bottle of Stalliongrad vodka currently sitting on her desk. Being the mayor of a town of madponies was not how she’d seen her tenure as Ponyville Mayor going. Every week, it seemed, something utterly insane was happening. Sometimes, when you looked at the destruction, she could swear that something bad happened every day. It was statistically improbable for something like this to happen, but after seeing so much weird stuff happening, the only thing you could say to statistics was, “buck you and your false reassurance.”
(She’d already said that several times, such as after one of Pinkie Pie’s escapades.)
Something had to be done about this. She looked over the stack of paperwork she’d been studiously avoiding as she’d focused wholeheartedly on getting drunk the night before. A stack of papers of cyclopean dimensions, that she could swear was warping a hole in the fabric of reality due to how gargantuan it was.
It was only this morning’s paperwork, and if she didn’t do something about it, it would grow bigger and bigger. She sighed, looking back at the bottle, mourning its emptiness from the night before. Earth pony magic meant that she could still feel chipper after a heavy night’s drinking, but the sight of paperwork meant that she wanted to have a headache so that she had an excuse to avoid paperwork. Sighing, she picked up a pen and started shuffling through the papers. If she didn’t deal with this paperwork now, it’d start growing and growing, eventually becoming a giant paperwork monster that would have to be banished into the depths of Tartarus. She'd learned her mistake after the first two times that had happened.
They were all complaints, but complaints of such a devious, twisted nature that it made ones sanity start to leak out of their ears. First complaint, the regular one from Lyra complaining about ‘discriminatory benches.’ She threw that one over her shoulder and read the second one, a request from Twilight Sparkle for more books. After tossing it onto the floor and thus halving her overall paperwork, she got to the more… unusual complaints. There was a request for clouds to be made of cotton candy by the weather factory. Another request that was thrown out of hoof. Pinkie Pie requesting a dozen afro wigs. Signed and filed (best not to question Pinkie, one half of her logical mind thought, while the other half pondered the meaning of the afro wigs.) A proposal to declare war on the moon. Scrunched up and thrown away. A disturbingly detailed request, from Hugh Jelly, to have a giant jelly vat installed in his house. After thinking about it, she reluctantly signed, as that would stop him from doing it in public. She looked at the pile and sighed. Four requests, and already she felt like she needed a drink.
Thus far, every complaint was for something that was wholly stupid, irrelevant, foolish or downright dangerous (one request from the past to allow the use of heavy explosives to unblock toilets came to mind.) Ivory Scroll facehoofed, trying to think of an idea to lighten her absolutely GIGANTIC workload. She racked her brains, trying to think of a way to reduce it. She’d tried everything to reduce the size of the paperwork. She’d assigned clerks to deal with most of the paperwork. One of them was now in the insane asylum and she’d stopped the practice. She’d tried to put Pinkie Pie on the job, reasoning that the mare was crazy enough that it wouldn’t affect her, but she’d had to stop that after a cake the size of a house was baked using the town treasury’s money. She’d tried everything to lighten the load, but nothing ever worked.
Unless…
Her face broke out into a cruel smile.
Why not just make a simple LIST of rules that everypony would have to follow? Simple and impossible to misconstrue. Filled with energy to continue, she grabbed her pen and called her assistant, Time Turner. While she was waiting, she grabbed her pen and wrote with renewed fervour.
After five minutes of hard work, there was a knock on the door.
“Come in, Time Turner.” The stallion complied, shaggy brown mane and tired blue eyes greeting her. Over twenty years of working together, and they were very good friends.
“Sorry I was a bit late.” He winced; he’d not slept much at all last night, and he had been sleeping when he’d been called. Still, as the official timekeeper, he was one of the first to know about anything that the mayor had been thinking about.
“Time Turner, I have an idea to reduce the paperwork.” He directed an eye up at the pile of paper and looked at her.
“Really? Because if it’s me helping out, remember what happened to the last clerk.” Ivory Scroll scowled.
“Started acting like a dog, I know. No, what I’ve got in store is to simple write out a list of things that the citizens of Ponyville are not allowed to send complaints or requests for. Sound simple?” It was simple. Too simple.
“It sounds like a good idea! When can we do it?” This time, Ivory Scroll was smiling a bit more like a predator.
“Tomorrow.”
The next day, the populace of Ponyville was standing around watching Ivory Scroll hammering up a very, VERY long list. That done, she sat back on her haunches.
“Could somepony read this? I’ve not had a lot of sleep after writing this.” Twilight Sparkle hesitantly came forth and started reading.
List of things that the citizens of Ponyville are not allowed to do.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders, no matter how well their letter is written, will not be allowed to work as clerks, timekeepers, judges, errand mares, or any position in the office.
Yes, clothing is allowed. No, dressing up like a gimp in public is still a criminal offence, no matter if it is clothing or not.
Stop trying to send false requests for other ponies. I know who you are really.
I don’t care how many diagrams you draw, I am not going to allow you to set up an arena for a card game. The logistics of your arena alone, which would be the size of Canterlot Palace, are enough to deny this. Magic: The Gathering is not important enough to warrant its own castle.
Pegasi are to stop moving clouds into buildings. They burst and make a lot of mess.
Unicorns are to stop levitating sleeping cows and turning them upside down. It’s not funny and constitutes as assault.
Earth ponies are to stop taunting unicorns with, “if it wasn’t for us, you’d all be starving.” Its hurting ponies’ feelings.
Stop sending complaints about the arcade. Young foals are simply trying to have fun in a non-destructive way.
We are not declaring war on the moon using trained foals to shoot the ‘moonites.’
If you’re into that, a personal jelly vat, in a private place, is acceptable. We don’t want to see it. Neither do we want a communal jelly vat.
Anypony with a pet parasprite is informed that they are technically wild, dangerous animals that reproduce by eating. As such, keep food in a secure place, otherwise we’ll have a repeat of the Princess Visit Fiasco.
Pets like cats and dogs are okay. Other animals like owls and crocodiles are also okay, though weird. Humans are NOT pets.
Dynamite is not a suitable building material.
Gates randomly opening into Tartarus are a common enough hazard. The standard procedure for this is to carefully walk around it, and get Fluttershy to deal with Cerberus. Do not, under any circumstances, declare war on Tartarus.
“Want it, need it” spells are forbidden from being cast at any time.
If you’re going to fly overhead, try to avoid drooling. We’re getting complaints of eye injuries from high speed dribble.
We are not installing a cloud bank. Cloud banks are industrial sized lumps of clouds that are stored in case of drought. Thus, the request for one to be installed is denied pre-emptively.
We are not going to make every drinking water pipe be filled with chocolate milk. The costs alone are astronomical.
Should a public brawl start, don’t start taking bets on the winner.
Also, don't say that they are ‘having a lovers’ spat.’ The damage from that incident with Applejack and Carrot Top is still being paid off.
When enraged, please try not to spontaneously combust. We’re losing a lot of money trying to repair all the burn damage this has caused.
Don’t question why Pinkie Pie does what she does. Instead, join in. It’ll help.
Pinkie Pie, throwing birthday parties are fine. Throwing anniversary parties are also fine. Throwing a party every day of the week as a ‘celebration of a brand new day’ party is going to get old fast. Maybe one party a month.
Please stop requesting things that our budget doesn't cover. I feel bad having to deny your requests.
The benches have not changed design since the days of Ponyville’s founding. They are not going to change.
While the gesture is appreciated, I am NOT allowing ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders Town repair mares.’
I am not going to approve any request that has ‘corn,’ ‘farts,’ ‘Pinkie Pie,’ and ‘giant cart,’ in the same sentence.
While musical freedom is encouraged, Cutie Mark Crusaders Glam Folk Disco Rock Musicians are not allowed to ever perform within a ten mile radius of Ponyville.
Stop sending me requests that ask me to install a strip club in Ponyville.
Applejack, I applaud your common sense. However, your proposal to increase apple production, thus gaining more cider, is held back by the fact that your proposal would cover half of the Equestrian continent.
Big Mac, while your requests are more legible and to the point than many of the complaints on my desk, your proposal for a counting device powered by storm clouds is still rejected.
Snowflake, I cannot grant your requests, seeing as they consist exclusively of you writing out “YEAH!” repeatedly. Unless you write out what you want, I cannot help you with anything.
Twilight Sparkle, your library has over nine thousand books currently there. You do not need any more books.
The Everfree Forest is there to stay. Thusly, I must request that any request to burn it down would be frowned upon by the Princess.
Rainbow Dash, for the last time, I am not agreeing to your request for a thunderhoof arena to be constructed here. Thunderhoof is a dangerous pegasus sport with over a hundred ponies sent to hospital with heart attacks, sprains, broken wings and peer pressure a week. Stop doodling on the request form, by the way.
I cannot comprehend why anypony would even think about building a cannon that could fire flowers over a distance of 10,000 kilometres, and any request that is like this is now dismissed out of hoof immediately.
Humans come through here just about every day it seems. The rifts through they appear are completely random. Thus, complaints of humans appearing in awkward situations, such as when on the toilet, are dismissed out of hoof.
Please, please stop complaining over how houses are bigger on the inside. It’s magic.
We are not Cloudsdale. Thus, we cannot make cotton candy clouds. Instead, send the issue towards Cloudsdale, let them deal with it.
Lots of ponies look similar. Thus, if you spot somepony who looks like you, the proper response should be asking them a personal question, not immediately scream and then buck them in the face for fear of changelings.
We are not declaring war on the ground. That proposal is so outright foolish that I almost approved based on how confused I was.
Don’t poke crystal ponies to see of they are really made of gemstones.
Rarity, if you must panic in the morning, then please do so quietly. There are complaints of your whining from across town.
If a human makes you feel uncomfortable with their presence, the proper response is to ask them to stop whatever it is that’s causing you to be uncomfortable, not pull out a can of mace.
Nurse Redheart wants to inform all of you that Rainbow Dash’s remarkably quick healing is only for her in relation to her cutie mark, not actual medicine.
I am not authorising a Running of the Leaves where the leaves are replaced with candy, Pinkie Pie.
Street music is appreciated, except when it is any kind of song that involves heavy dancing. Two ponies were rushed to hospital after suffering heart attacks.
I am not authorising a play depicting the Invasion of Canterlot by Changelings, written by and starring the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Spoiling a good book is not enough to justify a complaint in my eyes.
Finally, I must ask everypony to stop requesting their own human. It’ll happen eventually, just let it do so.
Twilight Sparkle finally stopped reading. Every pony was looking around, muttering. Ivory Scroll, satisfied, turned to leave for home- it had been a long day, and she was going to have a long, long break from the craziness that was Ponyville.
She returned to work the next day, chipper and eager. She opened the door to her office…
And a new mountain of paperwork waited for her. She blinked a couple of times, then shakily closed the door. She had forgotten the one unspoken rule of Ponyville: if it seems foalproof, they'll find a way around it.
All around Ponyville, ponies jerked their heads up as a scream of pure despair and pain echoed throughout the town. When it stopped, they looked at each other, shrugged, and got on with their lives.
Fifty more things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do
More things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do.
Time Turner looked at Ivory Scroll. The poor mare was exhausted, and was slumped over her desk. She’d been here working on the paperwork for five days, only stopping for toilet breaks, meals, and sleep.
“Um, are you alright?” She shot upright, mane dishevelled and wide eyed.
“I’m fine! Never better!”
“Really.” The poor mare looked like a mental and physical wreck. The list had, in fact, worked to an extent- no request like that had been on the list had been sent. It simply seemed that Ponyville citizens could generate titanic stacks of paperwork of complaints and downright bizarre requests, even with fifty options removed.
“Alright, I’m not fine.” She threw her pen down and buried her face in her hooves.
“It should have worked. Why, on the Princesses’ good earth did it not?” Time Turner coughed.
“I think it might have been… too foalproof.” Ivory Scroll looked at him oddly.
“How on earth does something get TOO foalproof?” She waved her hoof at the paperwork angrily.
“It certainly doesn’t appear to be that way. Sometimes, I wonder if these requests aren’t simply Ponyville trying to annoy me to the point of snapping.”
“I think that can be applied to Hanlon’s Razor- never attribute what could simply be foolishness to malice.” Ivory Scroll thought about that for a second, then nodded.
“I suppose you’re right about that. Still, this paperwork is too much.” Time Turner looked at the mountain in front of him. He really did not want to be the poor pony who had to read through it and either approve or deny the requests. Ivory Scroll certainly didn’t fancy it. After that poor mare went insane after only two days of working on the paperwork, it was a wonder that she hadn’t snapped.
“Time Turner…”
“Yes?” Ivory Scroll looked exhausted, but she was grinning.
“We’re going to need a bigger list.”
The next morning, Ponyville citizens were once again greeted by the sight of Ivory Scroll hammering another long piece of paper onto the billboard. That done, she just walked off in the direction of her house.
“I am going home for a well-deserved nap, and you can’t stop me.” Twilight Sparkle looked back, shrugged, and read the list.
Fifty more things that Ponyville Citizens can’t do.
Outside of the Sisterhooves Social, we are not having a binge-eating contest. They’re disgusting.
How can you declare war on the sun? No more of these.
Stop complaining about musical numbers. They’re fun (if they’re not too energetic) and they just happen.
Humans, please stop complaining about how life in Equestria is ‘nothing like the fanfics.’ Life is not always like a story.
Property damage associated with the Cutie Mark Crusaders is not covered by your insurance as a force of nature, no matter how much like a force of nature they are.
Please stop eating butterflies. We’re getting complaints from the hospital about how many patients they’re getting with that complaint.
No magic used means no magic used. High power hairdryers, while admittedly useful, are enchanted and require a small pulse of magic from a gem in order to activate, so that request is shot down.
To whoever owns the couch that slides through town with worrying frequency, I’m going to have to ask you to stop. Over two weeks, it’s injured ten ponies.
Stop trying to request Princess Celestia for your foals’ birthday party. I’m sure she’d like to come, but she’s too busy running the country.
The craft fair is a place where we show all of our best homemade stuff. It is not a place for a cage match over what tastes better, gooseberry or fig jam.
Speaking of, even if it is a cage match, bets are still covered in rule 19.
Stop asking for a fountain in the middle of the square. Its placement makes everything, including the market, more awkward.
Should Princess Celestia make a surprise visit, don’t immediately scream and panic.
Twilight Sparkle has already told you herself, there is no form to write in order to become an alicorn.
Stop sending me doodles of yourselves as alicorns. I cannot make a form to apply for alicornhood.
Should a planeswalker decide to make a library of spells based on this plane of existence, don’t complain to us about ‘interdimensional wizards calling me a 1/1 Basic Pony, 1 white mana.’
Stop requesting Mortal Kombat in the arcade. I don’t want to hear complaints about how foals are becoming more violent.
While I may not exactly approve of human-pony relationships, I am not going to exile them from Ponyville. Love and Tolerate, remember?
Stop labelling your requests, “FIRST!!!!!!” It’s annoying.
Stop giving ponies Poison Joke as a prank. It’s not funny at all.
Whoever sent the request that I ‘have some sense of humour’ is reminded that I have to deal with requests like these every day.
Stop complaining about the list. I put that list there because I was tired of those requests.
Stop playing human rock music so loudly in the morning.
Requests for a race track are denied, as the request is too expensive.
There are so many requests for obscene sailor songs to be sung in public. No. There are foals here who might be influenced.
Stop complaining about letters taking a long time. Our mail and delivery service consists of three pegasi and whoever wants to help out.
Requests for a fire service, after much careful thought, were dismissed, mainly due to the difficulty of actually assembling one. Besides, we have torrential rainclouds for monsoon seasons.
Everypony, stop complaining about humans doing something called ‘Oppa Gangnam Style.’ We don't understand the lyrics either.
Whoever keeps requesting we build a giant drill in order to split the planet in two needs to stop asking.
Rainbow Dash, when Fluttershy came here with baby ducks, yelling, “DUCK!” and watching everypony hit the floor was pretty amusing. Deliberately releasing ducks here just to repeat the joke is getting old.
Just because you are an extradimensional creature that evolved from a creature that had a genetic relation to an ape does not mean that you are exempt from taxation.
Don’t harass Discord and then complain about having your head and tail swap places.
Similarly, don’t send complaints about Discord randomly removing horns or wings. Rather, direct complaints of that nature to Fluttershy, who will be more than willing to help you with getting them back.
Stop challenging random ponies to a ‘rap battle.’ It’s annoying.
Also, when rapping, try to keep it civil. There are foals listening to you.
Damnit, stop complaining about foals swearing. They are listening.
Complaints about the school curriculum being too hard are shot down. It’s of exactly the right difficulty level for you.
Requests for a hoofball field are not approved. Hoofball requires a full set of Royal Guard approved armour to be played safely.
Please, please stop requesting a mud wrestling ring.
Also, stop requesting a pole-dance club.
And stop requesting a pornography shop.
A request for a Griffin Chocolatier is now approved, so stop asking.
Stop complaining about the lack of street magicians. Admittedly, the last one was a bit mean, but still. Acting all high and mighty is an integral part of street magic.
Vague Cutie Marks are hard to define, I know. Stop complaining about what you got, people.
Stop singing songs like, “I just had sex” in public.
Humans are to stop requesting that we get something called a “Mcdonalds.”
Any request or complaint that is addressed to “Mayor Mare,” is going to be denied. My name is Ivory Scroll, humans.
While I dislike putting ponies on the spot, Pinkie Pie, your request for party cannons to be installed into every house in Ponyville is denied. They would go off every 3.14 seconds, approximately.
Stop complaining about breaking a tooth on Sugarcube Corner. It’s not actually made of gingerbread.
Finally, I must seriously request that all complaints about the lack of cider be directed towards the Apple Family.
After a blissful day of catching up on sleep, Ivory Scroll walked back into her office. Opening the door, she was greeted with a large mound of paperwork, which she responded to by fainting.
