Shell Shocked
Twilight and Rainbow Dash resided in a field beneath Cloudsdale, a common meeting place for the Earth ponies of Ponyville and the Pegasi of Cloudsdale. The majority of the fields were overgrown and wild, yet a small portion remained tame. Here the two ponies talked in the early hours of the morning.
“Thanks for letting me borrow Tank for the day,” announced Twilight, “I need him to test out a spell.”
“No problem,” replied Rainbow Dash, “I have to clear some skies today, but I’ll be back for him later. See you then.”
Twilight waved goodbye and proceeded to guide Tank towards the library. After quite a long walk back the library (because Tank is a turtle, and can only walk so fast), Spike greeted Twilight at the door, and let the two of them in. Twilight’s horn lit up in a purple haze as she picked Tank off of his feet and placed him on a table in the center of the library.
“Ok Spike, Today I am going to test out an enlargement spell. It looks surprisingly simple to perform, but it’s pretty interesting. It’s from a book that I found in the Canterlot Library.” Twilight lifted the book and showed Spike. “Well, let’s get this over with.” After a long pause and a last glance at her book, Twilight aimed her horn directly at Tank, and produced a brilliant purple beam. As it struck Tank, a blinding light erupted out of Twilight’s horn. Both Twilight and Spike were momentarily stunned. When the two regained focus, all eyes were on Tank. There, on the table, sat Tank, as regular as could be.
“That’s not right,” said Twilight, “I’m sure that I did everything according to the book.”
“Come on Twilight, give it another go.”
“Alright Spike.” Twilight aimed her horn at Tank once more and produced the beam. After recovering from the flash, Twilight noticed that her spell had failed once more. “Let me try again.” After several failed attempts Twilight decided to take a break.
“We can try it again tomorrow Twilight. Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it soon enough.”
“Thanks Spike, I know I can do it if I just practice a bit more.”
~*~
Twilight slowly trotted down a dirt road with Tank at her tail. The sky began to darken, and the stars slowly began to shine through the heavens. A cold breeze blew across the grass and the sounds of the night filled the air. All was calm, all was peaceful. Twilight approached the place where Rainbow Dash and she had met earlier. After a few minutes of waiting, Dash appeared. A rainbow streak swept across the sky, and stirred up the stars in one fluid motion. She slid onto the earth, and stopped right in front of Twilight.
“Impressive,” commented Twilight.
“I do pride myself on presentation.”
“I can tell,” answered Twilight sarcastically.
“So,” Rainbow Dash Inquired, “how was that spell? Did you manage to get it right?”
“Not just yet. I need more practice. How were the skies today? Have any trouble?”
“Do you know who you are talking to? I’m Rainbow Dash, the greatest flier in all of Equestria. The skies are never a problem. Sheesh Twilight, for being as smart as you are, I thought that you would know something as obvious as that.”
After a brief moment of tame laughter, Twilight replied, “Of course, I should have known something as obvious as that. Here’s Tank, I hope he had fun today… even if my spell wasn’t a success.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself Twilight; I know you can do it.”
“Thanks for the encouragement Rainbow. Goodnight.” Twilight gave her friend a wide smile before departing into the calm of the night.
~*~
The moon was high in the starry sky. It rested at the peak of Cloudsdale as a thin crescent. Tank stirred from his slumber. He sleepily opened his eyes, and observed his surroundings. Nothing seemed to be amiss. Yet he could not shake a peculiar feeling. Just before he was about to return to his slumber, Tank began to feel a gentle tingle. It began with his nose, and quickly spread throughout his body. Tank began to panic as his limbs went numb. His legs gradually extended outward, and his shell bloated. Tank grew larger and larger with no sign of stopping. Tank’s body slipped through the clouds beneath his feet; they could no longer support his increasing weight. He plummeted to the ground below, only increasing in speed as he increased in size. Tank’s mind was racing, “What just happened? Why am I so big? How can I save myself…? (Of course this was in the language of turtles, which has been translated for the sake of this story. Turshian is a language not spoken by either magical ponies, or humans, thus it would have been impossible for the reader to comprehend any of his thoughts.)” Before discovering a viable method of escape (Not that there was one), he collided with the ground below. The results were catastrophic. The ground shook with the force of a thousand stampeding buffalo. Tank’s massive body resided in a large crater bored in to the fields below Cloudsdale. Nearly every resident of Ponyville was awoken. Luckily for Tank, he remained entirely intact.
Tank arose out of the rubble. He appeared to be unscathed for the most part. As he stood, Tank noticed a newfound strength. His eyes gleamed with a look of rage. His spirit became overwhelmed with the chaotic urges that one may expect when his size is exponentially increased. Tank climbed out of the crater and headed towards Ponyville.
~*~
Twilight awoke as a pile of books fell from her nightstand and landed on her head. “Ouch! What was that? Spike! Spiiiike! Wake up! What’s going on?”
“Uhhh… Twilight, just a few more minutes.”
“No Spike. Now.” Twilight got out of bed, walked over to Spike’s crib, a ripped off his blankets with her magic. “Get up.”
“Fine.” Spike rolled out of his crib and lay on the floor for a few moments. After getting a glimpse of Twilight’s impatient expression, Spike struggled to pull himself to his feet. “What is it?”
“What’s going on? Why was the ground shaking? Was it an earthquake?”
Before Spike had the opportunity to answer, Rainbow Dash crashed through the window of Twilight’s bedroom. She struck a bookshelf and tumbled down the stairs.
“So much for her presentation,” Twilight said under her breath.
“I heard that!” replied Rainbow Dash irritably. “Anyway, I’m here because of Tank.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s huge! He’s rampaging all over Ponyv-”
“Wait. What do you mean huge? My spell didn’t work…”
“Well if it wasn’t your spell, I have no idea what it was. Hurry, we need to get out there and stop him!”
Rainbow Dash, climbed out of her pile of books, and sped out of the door, followed by Twilight, then Spike. The three of them hardly needed to take more than a few steps to see what destruction was unleashed by the giant tortoise.
“Fuuuuuuuck… Tank did all of this?” Spike said with a chuckle.
“Spike, this isn’t funny. We need to stop him!” Twilight retorted with a hint of anger.
“A fucking turtle did this? Holy fucking pony tits this is insane.”
“Twilight, how do we fix him? I can’t stand to see him like this,” pleaded Rainbow Dash.
“I need to find the spell book I used to cast this spell. Spike! Go fetch it for me.”
“You don’t have to be a bitch about it.”
“Spike, the whole fucking town is in danger. This is not a time for manners.”
“I’m not going until you ask politely.”
“Just get the fucking book Spike!” shouted Twilight.
“Stop being such a whore then,” Spike replied mockingly.
“Can both of you stop having a shit fit for a minute and help me save Tank?!” screamed Rainbow Dash in a rage. Her light blue face was tinged with red.
“Fine. I’ll get your fucking book Twilight.”
“It’s about fucking time.”
“What did you say you fucking shit tit?”
“Stop the fighting! Just get the fucking book for the love of Celestia’s left fucking crotch boob!”
“Sheesh. I’m getting the book. Don’t take your pms out on me,” Spike said as he walked back into the library.
As Spike went back into the library to search for the book, Rarity approached the two ponies followed by Applejack and Fluttershy. Rarity looked quite flustered, Applejack was covered in mud, and Fluttershy was in a state of panic.
“Ohh its dreadful Twilight! Absolutely Dreadful!” whined Rarity.
“I don’t need to deal with any of your shit; I’ve already got enough to do.”
“But Twiiiilllliiiiight. That monster destroyed my boutique! All of my dresses are ruined! I can’t go on!”
“Rarity, give it a rest already. You’ve been whinin’ bout it all the way here,” said Applejack, “It’s not like you were the only one. Mah barn is destroyed. Again. Do ya know how many fuckin’ times ah had to rebuild that pile of shit? Just shut it.”
“Yeah! That beast killed all of my little critters!” Fluttershy sobbed. “He even got angel… Actually,” her tone improved, “I’m ok with that. Angel was a bitch.”
“Cryin’ bout it aint gonna do shit for ya Rarity.”
“How rude! If I had half a-”
“Just shut it you whore. Anytime I see your mouth open that wide there’s usually ah dick goin’ in it… Specifically my brother’s.”
“Ohh please. That was only once, darling. You make me out to be such a slut. It’s unbecoming of a pony to talk about others in such a manner.”
Spike came out of the door, and threw the book at Twilight. “You happy?” Twilight lifted the book off of the ground and proceeded to skim through it.
“Here it is! Ohh. This is bad. It says here that the enlargement spell I used was no regular enlargement spell. It uses chaotic magic. I fear that I may have done more than enlarge Tank.”
“What do you mean sugar cube?” asked Applejack.
“Well. It’s not that simple. I have essentially infused Tank’s spirit with the chaotic energy that Discord possesses. If we do not manage to stop Tank, all of Equestria could be engulfed in a chaotic atmosphere much like when Discord tried to take over.”
“Well let’s get to it, sugar cube. We haven’t got all day.”
“I’m assuming that we are going to need the Elements of Harmony,” announced Rarity. “How are we supposed to use them? That darn tree has them! This is why I detest nature!” This last statement was followed by a glare, courtesy of Fluttershy.
“No. The Elements of Harmony are complete bull shit. The only reason we use them is so that you guys don’t feel completely worthless. I just use my magic to solve our problems.”
“Wait a second partner… You’re tellin’ me that this whole time I haven’t done shit?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“I’m out,” said Applejack as she turned and left. Much of the reason that Applejack had left this early on in the story is due to her ridiculous accent. It is quite unpleasant to try to maintain such an accent in the dialogue. Also, she is a background pony and does not deserve the spot light.
“If the Elements don’t do anything,” Rarity inquired, “Then why don’t you just use your magic to shrink him back down?”
“I would, but that would be anticlimactic. Also, he’s a tortoise. It’s not that simple.”
“What do you mean ‘it’s not that simple’?”
“Well tortoises have a shield around them that prevents magic penetration.”
“Do you mean the shell?”
“Precisely.”
“How did you manage to cast the spell on him in the first place?”
Twilight glared at Rarity. “You ask too many questions.”
“But-”
“What did I just say?”
“Fine,” replied Rarity with a pout.
“Now, let’s get down to business. Spike, I need you to-” Twilight glanced over at Spike and stopped halfway through her sentence. “Spike! What are you doing?! At a time like this?!”
“Sorry, it’s just. Rarity showed up, and you know…”
Rarity replied nonchalantly, “Spike, try to act civil. We have talked about this before. There is no way that I would ever-”
“I know, I know, I know, but come on! Just once!”
“Ohh Celestia no! Do you know what that would do to my reputation? I have standards Spike. You must be this big,” Rarity gestured with her hooves, “to ride this ride. If you know what I mean.”
“But I ride Twilight all of the time.” Twilight covered her face with her hoof and shook her head.
“I’m talking about a different kind of ride Spike. Don’t play games with me.” Spike gave a brief chuckle. “Spike it’s never going to happen,” replied Rarity. “Finish if you must, but we have to get back to business.”
“As I was saying,” continued Twilight, “we need to divert Tank away from Ponyville so that he can’t cause any more destruction.”
“And Spike,” Twilight glanced over towards Spike. Spike had a relieved look about him.
“Eww… Umm…”
“I really needed that. I was cranky from being woken up so early.”
“Wash your hands first Spike.”
“Fine.” Spike went back into the library hastily and returned moments later. “Ok Twilight, what is it that you wanted?”
“Did you really just wash your hands? That was like ten seconds.”
“Yeah.”
“Did, you use soap?”
“Yeah.”
“Come here then.” Spike walked over to Twilight. “Hold out your hands.” Spike reluctantly held out his hands. Twilight lowered her head and sniffed his hands. “I smell something, and it’s not soap. Go wash them again.” Spike went back into the library and returned a few minutes later.
“I washed my hands.” He held up his hands in Twilight’s face. “See?”
“Alright, alright. You are going to create a distraction-”
“Why do I have to be the one to create the distraction? Rainbow Dash is the fastest. She should do it.”
“I don’t care if Rainbow Dash is the fastest. I’m telling you to do it.”
“Now wait a fucking minute. Dash is sleeping. She’s not even paying attention! What the fuck!”
“Rainbow! Get up!” shouted Twilight.
“Wha… What? Did I miss anything? Where did Applejack go? Why do I feel sticky-?”
Spike quickly cut off Rainbow Dash, “No reason!”
“Why the fuck do I have to put up with all of you? Why Celestia? Why?” cried Twilight softly to herself.
“Darling, you need to relax. All of this stress isn’t good for your complexion…” Rarity began to gently massage Twilight’s back with her hooves.
“No! You fucking whore! You don’t want me, but you want Twilight? I am fucking done with you. I can find somepony waaaay better than you. Mark my words.” Spike tried to put his arm around Rainbow Dash, but after his claw touched something sticky, he slowly retracted his arm.
“Whatever you say darling.”
“Hey Fluttershy-” Spike began.
“Don’t even think about it,” Fluttershy said harshly.
“Ok. I get it. Nobody fucking wants me. I’m just going to die alone,” shouted Spike. Everyone, with the exception of Spike, nodded in agreement. “Let’s just get back to the plan.”
“Finally. Spike you’re the diversion, Rainbow Dash you hop on Tank’s back and wear him down, Fluttershy you calm him with your stare, and I’ll preform the spell to change him back to normal.”
“But wait a minute Twilight; didn’t you say that turtles have a magical shield? Also, what am I to do?”
“Make him a dress or something, and fuck whatever I said earlier.”
“Then I shall make him a dress like no other!”
“Let’s just do this before I kill myself.”
~*~
Tank had just about finished destroying Ponyville when a small purple dragon appeared.
“Hey fucker!” Spike shouted, “Get the fuck out of here or something.” Tank disregarded the dragon’s demands. He continued to gallop through the wreckage of the town stomping through the debris of the buildings. In the rubble hid many of the ponies, both injured and unharmed. Several bodies lie in the street from the tortoise’s reign of destruction. Out of nowhere, three fillies appeared.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Monster Hunters yeah!” The three fillies shouted.
“Ohh shit,” Spike said to himself as he saw the girls get closer to Tank, “This is gonna be good.” Tank stood still for a moment out of confusion. The girls approached one of Tank’s legs and began to kick, bite, and scratch at it. Tank lifted his leg, and stomped down on the three fillys.
“Ohh shit nigga! They just got fucked up!” Spike said with a chuckle. Bill Cosby walked up to Spike with what seemed to be an irate expression.
“Bibba-jibba-jabba…” Bill went on for several minutes in a rant that could only be described as “nigga-nonsense.” When he had finished his rant, it is unclear what happened. Some claim that Bill turned into a carrot and dramatically flew into the night sky, others claim that Sanic appeared and kidnapped Bill Cosby. According to eye witnesses, Sanic confused Bill with a ring because he was running “Too damn fast.” It should be understood that most of these so called “witnesses” were probably twelve year old /b/tards who think that they are in some way or another being funny. All apologies for any inconveniences.
Twilight and the others walked over to Spike with a look of dissatisfaction. “Spike what are you doing? You’re supposed to be distracting him!”
“I was just watching Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and that other one get smashed by Tank. And then some old-ass nigga showed up. Yeah I’m not going out there.” Spike began to sing (quite badly), “I don’t wanna die. Sometimes we should never be born at all!”
“Ohh just shut it. Rainbow, you’re going to have to go up there without the help of Spike.” Twilight glared at Spike as she said this. Spike seemed disinterested. He didn’t even give so much as a glance towards Twilight.
“No problem.” Rainbow Dash bolted around Tank and perched upon his shell.
“Hiya Dash!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she popped up from out of nowhere.
“What the fuck Pinkie!” Dash said as she leaped in the air. “Don’t fucking scare me like that!”
“Why not?” inquired Pinkie.
“I don’t have time for your shenanigans Pinkie. I have to help Tank.”
“But why? This is so fun! I have been riding up here all night!”
“He’s destroying the whole fucking town! I can’t just let him do that.”
“Why not? I’ll give you a cupcake!”
“You’ll give me a cupcake if I don’t try to return tank to normal?”
“Yeah!”
“Well… most of the town is destroyed anyway…”
“Yay!” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.
“Omnomnom.” Rainbow Dash greedily ate her cookie atop of Tank’s back. She seemed quite satisfied with her bribe. This is the part where one may expect Rainbow Dash to pass out because of the poisoned cupcake that she consumed only moments ago. In all fairness, Pinkie is an upstanding pony and would never attempt to poison Dash. I’m not entirely sure where you would get this sort of idea. The cupcake that Rainbow Dash consumed was a regular cupcake. There was absolutely no poison in it. I am sorry for getting your hopes up. And if I did indeed get your hopes up, I suggest that you see a psychiatrist, because you are a sick, sick person.
“Well fuck me.” As Twilight finished her statement Spike’s tail perked up. “Not you Spike. Damn it Spike. I’m practically your sister. That’s fucked up.” Spike backed away from Twilight with a look of shame. “Fluttershy, could you give the stare a shot?”
“I, c-could give it a t-try…” Fluttershy tiptoed out in front of Tank. “T-tank,” She whispered.
“Louder Fluttershy!” Twilight yelled with a hint of annoyance.
“Tank, you need to stop right now!” Fluttershy’s voice was louder this time. Tank took notice of her presence. “You’re acting like a meanie!” Fluttershy looked back towards Twilight. Twilight gave her a glance as if to say “Is that it?”
“Why the shit are you doing this? If I had a dick, I would be butt fucking you so hard right now you faggot. You would just sit there and take it like a little bitch. Do you hear me? I’m calling you gay.” After a moment of staring, Tank turned around and left. “W-wow Twilight, I actually did it.”
“Ponyville is already destroyed. He’s probably moving on to another town or something.” declared Spike.
“I think that Ponyville is better off this way. I live in a world filled to the brim with shit.” Twilight left Spike and Fluttershy to return home. Just before she left the two of them, Twilight felt what could only be described as a burning sensation all over her body. After only a moment’s time, Twilight was covered in several sets of wings. These wings were placed strategically throughout her head, torso, arms, and legs.
“Fuck you narrator,” jeered Twilight as she walked away. That was rather rude of her, wasn’t it?
“Well now that Twilight is gone,” Spike glanced towards Fluttershy with an expression that Spike believed to be sexy, however Fluttershy found it deeply disturbing and somewhat nauseating.
“No,” replied Fluttershy.
“Pleease?” retorted Spike.
“Fine,” the pitch of Fluttershy’s voice dropped significantly, “but only if you’re the bottom.”
“What?” Spike stood confused for a moment. After realizing what Futashy meant, Spike began to run for his virginity. Futashy chased Spike away.
~*~
Among the wreckage, sat a pony. She appeared to be the only survivor. As she gazed over the remains of her friends, family, and home, she let out a gasp of anguish: “I just don’t know what went-” My apologies. The following statement has been deemed “Too offensive” and will thusly be terminated from the story.
When it seemed that all hope had been lost, Scruffy, a lonesome janitor, had taken notice of the situation. With one swipe of his magical broom and a tip of his hat, Scruffy cleaned up the wreckage and saved the town. And they all lived happily ever after.
THE END
