Teardrops on a Blank Flank
Its dark, I'm not sure what time it is anymore.
Late or early I don't care. I just want to enjoy being alone.
My family are sleeping I'm sure. They are all busy tomorrow.
but I'm here, awake.
Just me, my thoughts, the silence, the darkness.
I heard a saying once, it makes me think about what I am doing.
Saying goes that when you're stuck on a mountain
You try to go up, you try to go down, you turn around
To face a wall so you can face yourself realizing you've made a mistake.
At times it makes me afraid to try, to attempt the climb only to find nothing.
Other times I find my self wanting to climb for sake of someone else.
What I thought was only going to be a little while, has turned into something worse.
I have that feeling again, I hear others call it depression but i'm never sure.
What I do know, is that they can't hear me. no one can.
So I use this time to vent. I vent to the only one who will listen.
I never get better when I'm finished but people say that talking helps.
So I talk, to all who listen.
It gets tough, sometimes my face tenses up, pressure builds in my nose, and my vision blurs.
Small fits of convulsions cause me to fear waking them up.
It usually fades quickly though.
So, I just sit, and talk.
I talk about the past, the present and the future.
Where it went wrong, how I could have changed it, why I am still here and where I am going.
Whoughts of who to turn to, where they came from, but mostly if they went through the same feelings I have.
I find my thoughts going to me being alone in these emotions. Its selfish and silly I know, but I can't help it.
Where is one savior though, the ballads of the musicians.
Our house is be side the cafe and from my window I hear tunes from all around.
When I hear them play, it makes it easier to not think.
I never got a chance to try to play before.
Once in school but the other kids laughed at me for playing a weird cord and I got embarrassed.
Needless to say I haven't tried since then.
I just wonder how life could have been if I put those feeling aside and went for it.
I get teary when I think of how dumb I've been. If only I let someone know, maybe they would have supported me.
But no one is supposed to know. That's what people tell me.
Grown ups don't cry, remember.
So like adding fuel to the fire, I'm in the middle of a cycle.
I can't seam to be good enough, what am I doing with my life, stop crying you are pathetic, and so on.
Some nighties are better though. optimism is a nice thing to have.
I am young enough to do anything, nothing can stop my drive, and at least I'm decently good looking.
My drawing skills i'd rather not mention, I have a good ear for music, my writing is ok I guess.
I may not be tearable active but I get out and converse when I can.
Debating is the most fun thing I do, I look forward to it every day. For someone to strike up something and just talking for hours on end.
I don't have to think about me when I talk with others. Just being lost in the moment, is perfect.
But when I look around I see something, it amazes me every time.
I live in a world of magic, where you can change anything.
Where you can fly atop the clouds, past the sky and deep into the horizon.
and what do I do? I walk. Fate is cruel.
My dad once told me that we are all born with a purpose. We can't all be kings, some of us have to be ruled over.
Most of me accepts that. The other doesn't want to hear it.
My heart torn between who I am and who I want to be.
I suppose that is why my destiny has not revealed its self to me.
When I was young it was ok, these things take time.
but I am an adult now, how much longer will it take?
I can't go outside anymore, they keep laughing.
I can hear it. don't tell me I can't.
Like parasites they drive themselves into my ear, burrowing into my brain leaving horrible thoughts.
These voices who tell me no, this government in place to keep me down, these people.
but what if its me?
They can't all be wrong?
Have I been selfish this whole time?
To try and make them fit with me. Not me to them.
No that stupid, if they can't accept me for who I am . .
Where would I go?
Where should I go?
Is it time for me to leave?
Can I just push on for another day?
How many more days?
How long will I put my family through this?
__________
. . . *creek*
Who's there!?
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Uncle Feather, your to loud.
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Oh, Uncle is sorry, why don't you go back to bed.
-
What were you doing?
_
. . . Uncle was just . . . praying.
-
Praying?
-
Yeah, Uncle was asking Princess Luna for help.
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Is it about how you don't have your cutie mark?
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Haha, something like that. Now go on, off to bed with you.
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*Yawn* oh kay.
-
. . .
I should get some sleep.
_______
My mind escapes to the thought of actually asking the princess for help.
Maybe she would visit me in my dreams. maybe we could talk, I know she has had it rough in the past.
I'm not the only one who would like someone to listen.
I chuckle to my self and hold the pillow tight, here's to a good night dream.
