The Day Ghost Shipped Rainbow Dash With Everything
What Have I Done?
Celestia’s balmy sun hung high over the land of Equestria, casting its life-giving radiance on plants and animals alike. The bright pastel landscape displayed saccharine scenes of peacefulness. The wind gently caressed the malachite leaves of the trees, causing them to shimmer and whisper their breathy song. Small critters hopped and scurried along the grass, enjoying nature’s aliment without fear of predators. Birds chirped a sharp ditty as they perched along tawny branches. White, fluffy clouds avidly listed along the skyway, drifting to wherever the mellow breeze cares to take them.
On one particular cloud, a blotch of cyan and rainbow was nestled in the confines of the spongy whiteness, starkly contrasting the achromatic theme of the stratocumulus. This conflicting swatch of color rolled over on her back and stretched all four of her legs and emitted a cathartic yawn. She then pressed all of her limbs to the softness of her sleeping surface, relishing in the feeling of the weightless fluff encompassing her velutinous cyan coat. The pegasus felt like she could melt right into the cloud. In a trance of pure lethargic bliss, she rolled over to her other side, sighing in the sensation now placed against her belly. She massaged and hugged the lumpy whiteness with her forelegs as she slowly drifted into a mid-day slumber.
If you have not already guessed, this pegasus’s name is Rainbow Dash. She was busy enjoying her day off from weather duty by doing what she did best: nothing. Napping on a cloud after a bout of rigorous flying was her favorite pastime. The soothing feeling of pegasi-exclusive bedding material on her sore muscles was nothing less than absolute ecstasy. The graceful draft cooled the feathers of her wings and dried her perspiration. With half-closed eyes, she rested her chin on the edge of her could and glazed over the scenery below. The rolling green hills stretched on endlessly into the horizon, the small town of Ponyville was bustling with daily activity, a tall, hatted figure was standing on the cloud below her-
Wait... what?
Rainbow Dash shocked herself out of her drowsiness at this peculiar sight. What was this thing? It didn’t have wings. How was it not falling through the cloud like any other non-winged creature? With her pegasus weather manipulation, she nudged herself and her soft perch to a lower altitude to get a better glimpse of this aberration. Its back was facing her; it took no notice of the observer behind it. The creature looked like it was completely covered in brown felt, from head to toe. On its feet were a pair of tall boots, complete with shining spurs. It wore tasseled chaps, a shirt with tasseled sleeves ending in tight-fitting gloves under a tan, sleeveless jacket. Atop its head was a hat that looked a lot like Applejack’s. The whole shebang definitely had its western theme. It looked like a genuine cowpony from the frontier, except that it was bipedal. Around its neck was some kind of red kerchief, and between that and the hat, his head was the color of ivory. Not like Rarity’s; this color was duller, almost bone-like. It appeared to be searching for something as it stood atop the stagnant cloud, one of its upper limbs was raised to its hat brim to provide additional shade for scrutiny. It turned its head side-to-side, scanning the distance slowly and patiently. Rainbow Dash became curious. She carefully coaxed her cloud towards the mysterious figure. Ever so slowly...
The creature stiffened as it somehow became aware of the pegasus’s presence. Dash became still as well. The creature sharply wheeled around to meet the mare’s vision.
“There you are!” It bellowed in a southern drawl that sounded harsh and tinny, like it was speaking through a thin sheet of metal. “I’ve been looking all over for you!”
Dash gasped. The creature, a he by the sound of his voice, had no face. Two empty sockets of a bony skull stared at the stricken mare. His teeth clacked together as it somehow produced speech. It unnerved her, but curiosity still got the better of her. She stood her ground, despite his macabre visage, and due to the fact that he, for whatever reason, was looking specifically for her. She would have been properly flattered if it was a pony that wasn’t Scootaloo.
“Uh... you were?” She inquired.
“Yep.” He rasped through his hinging jaw. Somehow, the bone of his hard brow could move to form facial expressions. That should have been impossible. “Yer the whole reason ah came here, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart? Did he just call her sweetheart? He was getting too friendly for his own good, thought Rainbow Dash.
“What for?” She crossed her forelegs in skepticism.
“Shipping.” He candidly replied, as if that explained everything, life, the universe, and the meaning behind it all.
“Wha-”
“Name’s Ghost.” He interrupted as he tipped his hat. “True Capitalist of America, God damn-well bless it. Ahm from Texas.” Dash tried to raise her hoof to ask her question, but he continued. “An item of special power has recently been *ahem* acquired by moi, and ah have made no hesitation to put it to its proper use.” He withdrew a flat, rectangular object from some unseen place behind his back. The cyan mare didn’t catch any hint that he was wearing a bag behind him, so where the thing came from was beyond her. The item he held in his hand was some sort of sapphire board with an array of symbol-ed buttons on one side. It seemed to shimmer and bend the light around it like it had an aura of immense power. “This here’s a magic keyboard that lets me do damn-near everything ah want. Got it from a genie. Broke his kneecaps fair an’ square, too. So, naturally, the first thing ahm gonna do with it is show those fruity, brony ass-clowns how to do some real shipping.”
The keyboard levitated in front of him as he clacked a stream of letters with his fingers and put it away behind his back. The cloud he was standing on rushed up to Dash’s and the two merged together into one big floating cotton ball. The confused mare scooted backwards a few inches while the imposing stature of Ghost stood over her.
“And ahm starting with you, because yer best pony.”
Despite his intimidating strangeness, Dash couldn’t help but feel elated. This guy had been looking for her and her alone because she was the best!
“I’m the best?” She asked.
“Better than the rest.” Ghost responded.
The compliment filled her with a bubbly, giddy sensation, but there was still one question that nagged her.
“What did you want to do again?”
“Ahm gonna ship ya.”
Rainbow Dash blinked. “What?”
Ghost leaned forward. “YA NO SPEAKO AMERICANO?” He yelled in a sing-song inflection as he tilted his head. “Ah said that ahm gonna ship ya!”
She scratched her technicolor head with her hoof. “So... you want to put me in a box and send me somewhere? Why can’t I just fly there?”
*facepalm*
“No, dumbass! Ahm gonna-” He stopped in mid-sentence, heeled around on a dime, and bent forward to a 90 degree angle, observing the ground directly below their floating platform whilst defying the laws of proper balance.
“Well lookie here!”
Dash came up next to him and viewed what he was pointing at. It was Fluttershy, merrily trotting along the dirt path that led to her secluded cottage out in the forest. She was humming a lovely tune about flowers and spring while a couple of larks perched on her back and head and joined her in chorus. If the cyan pegasus recalled correctly, she was returning after her weekly spa with Rarity.
“It’s yer friend Fluttershy!” Ghost exclaimed.
Rainbow Dash became a bit apprehensive. How did he know her name as well? She and her friends did save Equestria twice from the evils of Nightmare Moon and Discord, but this man clearly was not Equestrian. She had a felling he knew a lot about her and her friend by the way he was acting. Something in his voice told her that he had the benefit of knowledge. It perplexed her.
“What about her?” She queried.
But the skeletal man merely rubbed his gloves together as he schemed up a brilliant idea and muttered to himself.
“Time for some FlutterDash...”
“What?”
He suddenly turned to her. “Why don’t we go an’ say hi to yer friend here?” Without waiting for her to answer, he summoned his magic keyboard and tapped in another series of words. Moments after he stopped and put the device away, the cloud below their feet abruptly exploded into a thin, non-tangible mist. Dash yelped as gravity gripped her and pulled her towards the earth. She flailed her limbs as she fell.
With an awkward touchdown, she landed brashly right in front of the canary-yellow pegasus. Said pegasus squeaked in surprise and the birds she was caroling with flew away with urgent tweets.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash. You startled me...” The timid caretaker said in her breathy voice as her friend picked herself up from the ground. Stars swam around her wall-eyed vision before she shook her head vigorously to clear her mind.
“Hey Fluttershy.” She responded, still woozy from the crash.
“Go get ‘er, tiger!” Ghost called as he suddenly appeared a few feet next to them. Fluttershy flinched at his sudden appearance.
“W-who... w-w-wha...”
“Never you mind me, I’ll just watch.” The rows of his bleached teeth seemed to smile as he leaned on a tree trunk that stood at the edge of the path. His glove made a “move along” gesture, like he expected the two equines to do something.
“Why the hay did you send me falling to the ground?” Dash growled with indignity.
Ghost crossed his arms. “Ya got yer fuckin’ wings, ya coulda used ‘em. Now stop yer bellyaching an’ talk to yer friend there.”
“Who is he? What is he?” The yellow one asked.
“I dunno. He’s not making any sense so far.”
“What do we do?”
She shrugged. “We’ll just go along with it. I don’t know what else to do.”
They both turned their heads to Ghost, who subsequently gestured them to go on. The two faced each other and awkwardly cleared their throats.
“Uh... Hi Fluttershy. How’s your day so far?” Dash monotoned like a badly rehearsed actor.
“Um... fine. I’m doing fine.” She replied, as disconcerted as her friend as to the whole situation.
“Good, good...” Said the strange construct. “That’s a good start. Now tell her somethin’ nice. Compliment her hair or her eyes or whatever.”
She complied, though she didn’t see why. “I like your mane.” Fluttershy’s face turned pinkish.
“Uh huh... An’ how much do ya like it?” Ghost urged.
“A... a lot?”
“What qualities of her hair do you find the most attractive?”
She searched the depths of her sub-par vocabulary for describing her friend’s mane, which she really had no care for.
“It’s uh... long... and curvy... and.. uh... flowing...” With each adjective Fluttershy’s cheeks became darker and redder. She whimpered uncomfortably, not used to getting compliments very often.
“Perfect!” Ghost clapped his hands together. “Now, Shy, what ah want you to do is tell Dash here how much ya like her.”
Her voice trembled. “O-ok.” She once again looked at her friend. “Dash... I like you... a lot...”
“Come on you two. Get a little closer together! Yer supposed to be friends, right?”
They did likewise, moving toward each other until they were almost face-to-face.
“Now Dash, you tell her the same.”
“I... uh... like you a lot too, Fluttershy.” She could feel hot breath on her snout. She blushed as brightly as her companion. They were both really close. Their noses almost touched. Dash’s lids became heavy as she started to keel into a dreamy trance.
“Now kiss.”
Her eyes flew wide open.
“WHAT?!” She yelled out incredulously, blasting Fluttershy backwards by the sheer force of her voice.
“Come on, ya heard me. Give her the ol’ smoocharuno. Play some mouth-to-mouth patty-cake.”
She whirled to Ghost, red-faced and fuming. “Listen, buster! First of all, Fluttershy is my friend, not my mare-friend, and second, I’m NOT a filly-fooler!”
The skull-faced man stood wordless for a moment. Only the faint breeze and the background noise of the forest could be heard amongst the deafening silence. Then, Ghost threw his head back in obnoxiously loud wheezing laughter. He slapped his knee and clutched his aching belly as he hooted and hollered at what, apparently, was just the most hilarious thing he had ever heard.
“Ya serious?” He said as he wiped an imaginary tear from the bottom rim of his empty eye-socket. “Really, if you were any more of a dyke you’d be a freakin’ bus seat!”
Her cheeks puffed out in anger. “You’re a jerk!!!”
Ghost spun his glowing instrument of dimensional control on one finger with unreal metaphysical precision. “What was that? Sorry, couldn’t hear ya over the sound of how ridiculously omnipotent an’ all-powerful ah am.” He flicked a pebble in Fluttershy’s direction. The small stone merely bounced off of the head of the twitchy, splayed pegasus.
“Rise an’ shine Juliet. We got some wet-work to do!”
She didn’t respond. Drool ran off from her tongue that was lolling out of her mouth. Whether it was from Dash’s forceful shout or the fact that she almost kissed her best friend, she was struck absolutely senseless.
“Jesus Christ...” Ghost pinched the spot between his sockets. “Well, she’s down for the count. Were movin’ on, you an’ I. Let’s get to it.” He started to type into his keyboard.
“Wait, wh-” Rainbow Dash was cut off as she and Ghost disappeared with a simple, quiet popping noise.
A couple minutes later, when Fluttershy recovered her awareness and pushed herself off the ground, she looked around, not finding Dash or the creepy man anywhere. She hung her head and kicked the dirt beneath her, sending a puff of drab dust to disperse into the air.
“I... I would have been ok with it...” She whispered to herself.
+++++
Ghost and his recently contracted client (he liked to think of it that way) both rematerialized back into existence in what looked like Applejack’s barn, of all places.
“-at?” Dash finished her sentence more 200 feet away from where it started. She blinked at the abrupt change of scenery, nearly staggering backwards from such a visual shock. Ghost only stood next to her and lit a cigar between his teeth with a lighter that he pulled out from his jacket. The thick coffin nail glowed as he somehow inhaled and clinked his lighter closed. Grey smoke billowed out from the two tall holes of where his nose should have been. The cigar burned out with unusual rapidness and choking smoke quickly filled the entire barn.
“Just who *cough!* the buck do you *cough!* think you are?!” Dash shouted at the unfeeling stranger between hacks.
“Watch yer fuckin’ language. It’s time fer some good ol’ fashion AppleDash.” He flicked the still-luminescent stub to the ground, stomped it flat, and strode up to the barn door. He raised his right foot and kicked the door with terrifying strength. The entire heavy wooden panel, along with large chunks of the barn wall still attached to its hinges, exploded outwards in a shower of countless splinters. An ear-shattering boom ripped through Sweet Apple Acres, echoing for miles. The fetid ashen fog spilled out of the yawning wound in the structure and Ghost stood right in front of it, hands on his hips, relishing in the destruction he had just caused.
“Yeah... Ahm awesome.” He said smugly to himself.
Lo and behold, there stood Applejack herself right outside the barn she was about to enter and store the buckets of apples she had hitched to her sides. The very barn that had just been destroyed without warning or mercy. Her mouth hung gapingly at the sheer temerity of it.
“MAH BARN! YOU JUST BLEW A HOLE IN MAH BARN! WHAT THE HAY DID YOU DO THAT FER?!?!?” Her voice cracked as she justifiably yelled with her loudest possible volume.
Ghost casually turned to her as if she had just asked for the time. “What? Now ah need a reason fer doin’ shit?” Rainbow Dash came up beside him, in equal exasperation. Ghost took one glance at her before reaching down with both hands and picking her off the ground without the slightest bit of effort. She yelped as she was hoisted above his head.
“Hey Jackie! Think fast!” He called as he tossed the cyan mare in Applejack’s direction. She had absolutely no time to react before they collided, knocking all the apples out of their containers and sending Applejack and Rainbow Dash entangled and rolling along the grass. When they stopped moving, the orange farmpony was on top, her face hovering right about Dash’s...
“That’s gotta be my favorite number right there!” Ghost called from the distance. “And another thing: right outside in the middle of the day? You two really know how tah get it on! What would poor lil’ Apple Bloom here think?” He gestured to the befuddled filly, who looked a the two mares with an astonished expression.
“Sis?” Apple Bloom squeaked. “Is this where ya said foals come from?”
“Bloom! Get inside the house!” Her older sister yelled, flustered, as she and her friend untangled themselves and stood up. Apple Bloom dejectedly did as she ordered. Applejack picked up her hat and re-adjusted it to her head.
“Now you ain’t makin’ this any easier for me.” Said Ghost, who suddenly came into existence behind them. They both jumped.
“Listen here, mister!” The earth pony growled sternly. “You have no right tah come here and do whatever the hay you want!”
“Oh contraire,” He drawled in an unfitting accent. “Ah think ah have the right, the means, and the intention to do just that.” He bent his teeth into a smirk.
“If you don’t get outta here right now, ahm gonna buck that dumb look right off your stupid face!”
Ghost bent forward, leveling his face to Applejack’s, and raised one side of his brow.
“You jus’ try to yer heart’s content.” Turning his cheek to her, he marked an invisible “X” with his finger on the side of his skull. Applejack, more furious than she has ever been in her life, made no hesitation and accepted his challenge. She turned around, raised her hind legs, coiled up like a spring, and lashed out with the full applebucking force of her back hooves. Ghost staggered backwards a few feet, waving his arms to catch his balance. Applejack turned around to get a look at his beaten mug.
She gasped when she saw that his head was gone, but his body was still standing and moving to its own accord. The headless animation casually held out its palm and caught the skull that fell from the sky.
“So how’d that turn out for ya?” The dismembered skull taunted. He raised his head to his empty neck and snapped it back on with a gut-wrenching crack. Applejack’s eyes rolled into her head as she went limp and fainted.
“Ah shit... again? Really?” He picked up his hat and slapped it on his head. “Whaddya so queer you can’t take a little bits-an’-pieces? Jesus Christ, they don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
Rainbow Dash took Applejack’s stetson and waved it up and down like a fan, trying to cool her face in the heat of the sun.
“We don’t got the time, an’ ah don’t got the patience. Next pairing!”
Dash dropped the hat in terror and tried to flee his uncaring, malevolent amusement when they both disappeared into thin air just like the last time. Applejack lay, soundly sleeping amongst the wooden wreckage with her hat dropped over her head. Meanwhile, Big Macintosh calmly strolled by and took a unhurried glace in the direction of the barn. He stared at the devastation, the hoof-built hard work that the family - mostly him - deconstructed in front of his eyes, his neutral expression unchanged. Then, he fished out a jug of hard cider from his saddlebag, undid the cork, and took a deep swallow of the stinging alcohol. The drink numbed his brain.
“Eeyup.” He sighed as he took another swig.
+++++
Rarity was working in her boutique, fabrics and tailor tool spread out across her chaotic workplace. The alabaster unicorn herself was sweating with frustration and despair. She displayed her melodrama without reservation to an audience of nopony, save herself. It was a coping method. Really. I wish I was making this up.
“Oh, why? WHY?! WAH-HA-HY?” She moaned as she chewed the scenery. Using her unicorn magic, she pulled her couch to a position behind her and flopped on the upholstery, flailing her marshmallow legs while wallowing in hopelessness.
“Of all the things that could happen this is The. Worst. POSSIBLE. THI- Wahhh?!?!”
Rarity cried out as the furniture she had been laying on suddenly burst right under her like an over-inflated balloon, sending her flying across the room and face-first onto the floor. Rivets, fluff, springs, wooden splinters, and torn fuchsia material rained down, adding to the mess that Rarity had initially created. From the epicenter of the eruption stood Ghost and his tormented victim, Rainbow Dash. The latter precariously swayed on her hooves, disoriented from the metaphysical transit. Rarity picked herself from the floor and gasped while her head whipped around the room, taking in the sight of her precious commodity now in useless miscellany.
“My couch!” The fashionista exclaimed.
“Fuck yer couch.” Ghost stated insensitively. “Buy another one ya rich motherfuckah.”
While Rarity experienced a moment of indignant speechlessness, Ghost took no pause in converging to the boutique closet, opening it, and and carelessly digging through its contents. Clothes, shoes, dresses, mannequins, ribbons, and everything in between was ejected from the door during his deranged frisking.
“Nope. No. Zilch. GOD DAMMIT!” He yelled from inside the closet. “Where the the hells all yer stuff? Ball-gags? Leather straps? Riding crops? Ain’t this a boutique?”
“What?!” The bewildered mare in question exclaimed.
“Hellooooooo...” He proclaimed. “What do we have here?”
Ghost stepped out of the closet and held out a pair of... human undergarments? He stretched the tiny purple thong to test its elasticity.
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at the sweating achromatic unicorn.
“Rarity?”
She caved in. “I CAN’T HELP WHO I AM!!!” She broke down into tears in front of both of them, much to Ghost’s cluelessness.
“Ah don’ get it.” He snapped the thong like a rubber band. It went flying through the air and landed on Dash’s face.
“GAH!” She... spat out the article of bawdy clothing. “MY MOUTH WAS OPEN!”
“Bah hahahahaha!” Ghost chortled while the rainbow mare scraped off her tongue with her hooves and Rarity continued to bawl. “Oh man... Yer jus’ too much fun!”
Dash expressed her anger by snorting through her nostrils in an equine manner. She ground her teeth together.
“You think you can just go around and torture everypony just because you can?”
Ghost folded his arms. “Listen up, ya lesbo doorknob, ahm doin’ you a favor here. When’s the last time ya got some?”
Rainbow Dash didn’t reply.
“Ah have taken it upon mahself, from the kindness of the bottom of mah heart, tah get you some sweet lovin’ bah the end of this day. Yer welcome, by the way.”
“Yeah, because that’s worked out soooo well so far!” She stood up in a bipedal stance, using her wings to help balance her on her hind hooves. “Look at me! I’m Ghost! I’m gonna mash two ponies together because that’s how ‘lurve werks’.”
“Oh! So ya wanna do impressions now? Two can play at that game ya goddamn ingrate!” With one smooth, lightning-fast movement, he took off his hat, somehow swiped Dash’s mane off of her head like it was a toupee, and placed it on his own bleach-white cranium.
“This is Rainbow! Scouts make me cry!” He taunted in a mocking high-pitched voice.
Dash, however, was too busy shrieking and clutching her hairless scalp.
“Oh quit that shit, will ya?” He threw the wad of hair. “Yer fine, ya pansy.”
Trembling, she scooped up her hair and pressed it back onto her head. The strands re-connected back into her skin and was assured by a slight tug that it would stay there. Rarity, however, at that time, looked up from her shameful sobbing to see why her friend had screamed. The sight of seeing Dash bald put her in a state of wide-eyed paralysis.
“Ah wouldn’t take away yer hair. That pretty much half the reason why yer the best!” Earlier, she probably would have been flattered by that compliment if it didn’t come from this supremely erratic jerk. She said nothing and only glared at him and thought angry thoughts.
Ghost only had to take one glimpse at the frozen unicorn to know that she had left the waking world for the next few hours.
“Are ya kidding me? Really?! Is this gonna be some kinda runnin’ joke?”
Naw, three times is enough.
“Oh, ok.” He replied to the air, which Dash tilted her head to because she didn’t hear anypony speak, and called his magic keyboard fourth. “Hopefully we’ll actually get something done with this next one.”
With a quick series of taps, they both disappeared.
+++++
Dash and Ghost re-appeared in the same place at Rarity's boutique.
“Whoops. Fergot mah hat.” He picked up his own stetson and then typed in another sequence of abysmal runes.
They disappeared again.
+++++
The pair phased back into existence in the main lobby area of Sugarcube Corner. Ghost took a moment to look around. No sign of Pinkie Pie.
“Huh. She’s probably in the kitchen. That’s the sensible place fer a woman to be.” He eyed the baked goods behind the transparent counter. “But, as long as we're here...”
He stepped up to the counter, which no-pony was managing at the moment, and turned to his side. Using his elbow, he shattered the thick glass with one quick thrust.
“Aeeyyy!” He raised his hand, wiggled his digits, and plucked a random cupcake from its tray. Bringing it up to his teeth, he took a bite of the frosted confection.
Only to have it fall out from under his jaw.
“Oh yeah... that’s right...” He turned to Rainbow Dash. “Ya want one?”
But Rainbow Dash was not there. Out the open door she could see a shrinking dot of cyan.
“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Bringing out his keyboard, he furiously mashed in a mess of letters. A bewildered pegasus popped back into the bakery, momentum still carrying her forward at top speeds. She cried out right before smacking head-on into the wall, cracks snaked out on the surface from where she impacted. Properly knocked silly, her wings gave out and she slumped to the floor.
“Nice try there, bucko, but we ain’t done yet.” She felt feeling disappear from her wings before they burst into a cloud of feathers. She gasped. Her wings were gone. All that was left of them was a pile of cyan quills in a heap on the ground. She felt weak. She felt slow. Without her wings, she was powerless.
“My... my wings...” Tears started to well up in her eyelids.
“We can’t have ya runnin’ off, now can we?” Ghost was about to say something else, but then some tinny music emanated from his jacket pocket. America! Fuck yeah!
He took out the tiny gadget from the pocket, pressed a button, and brought it up to where his ear would be.
“Ghost here. Who’s this?” A short reply come from the other end. “Engineer? Whaddya want?” A stream of senseless, garbled dialogue came from the earpiece. Completely incoherent. Dash couldn’t make out anything from what she was hearing. It sounded like a brain-damaged pony attempting to speak, but Ghost seemed to understand it. Somehow.
“Well if yer hungry, jus’ look in the fridge.” Another babble of a response. “Go to the damned fridge and look inside it! Now, what do ya see?” The person he was talking to gave him a list. “Uh huh... chili? Don’t eat that! I wanna eat it! Save it for me!” A whiny-sounding response. “Shut up an’ just eat the hummus ‘er somethin’. Make a sandwich if ya don’ wanna eat that, I don’ care. Just don’ eat the chili. That’s damn good chili, and you’ll probably only eat half of it an’ throw away the rest! Ok. Yeah. Whatever. G’bye.” He clicked the device off and stowed it away back in his pocket.
“Sorry ‘bout that. Where was ah? Oh yeah.” Suddenly appearing next to Dash, he seized the pegasus-turned-earth pony and carried her under one arm. She thrashed and flailed her legs.
“Let go! Let me go!” She squealed.
“Shut yer face.” With Dash still in tow, he kicked open the door to the kitchen where everypony’s favorite pink party animal was baking and singing a song about cupcakes so loudly that she didn’t hear a thing from the other room. She saw the door swing open and turned her head.
“Hi Rainbow Dash! Hi creepy-guy-I’ve-never-seen-before!” She chimed spryly.
“Hey there, ya demented little diabetic!” He greeted as sweetly as lemon juice. “Ah got an order tah fill! One heaping helping of saucy RainbowPie!”
“Rainbow pie?” Pinkie tilted her head in dogged confusion. “I tried making that before, but rainbows taste really nasty! Spicy, too.”
“Things’er about tah get a whole lot spicier an’ nastier by the time ahm done ‘round here.” He neatly cleared off a place on the center kitchen counter, and by neatly I mean he impersonally knocked everything off and left them to clatter to the floor, making yet another mess. He hoisted the cyan pony and put her on the table.
“Uh... Rainbow Dash? What’s going on?” The pink earth pony inquired.
“Help me-!" Was all that managed to escape her lips before ropes materialized from nowhere and looped around her limbs, mouth, and head, gagging her and completely restraining her to the table.
“Now that you won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, we might actually do somethin’ here!” He spun on his boot heel to face Pinkie Pie. “Name’s Ghost, ma’am, an’ I have brought ya the opportunity of a lifetime.” He crouched down, wrapped his arm around the pony, and pulled her closer to him. Her squishy face mashed into his fleshless, bony skull.
“Right there’s yer life-long friend, all tied down an’ vulnerable. Jus’ think of it, you kin do anything ya want to her, an’ she’s in no position to say no.” He raised his brow twice in quick succession, which, for him, was the equivalent of a wink. Dash squirmed helplessly in her bindings. “Don’ that turn ya on?”
Pinkie giggled. “Oh, silly! I’m not a lamp! I don’t have a switch, either!”
Ghost facepalmed and turned to address the air again.
“That’s Pinkie for ya, folks.”
Pinkie Pie gasped. “You can talk to the people to?! Ohmigosh! I thought I was the only one!”
“Yeah, too bad the people ah get are a bunch of fruity, feminine men.”
She blinked, confused. “You get fruit-people?”
Ghost put a hand on her shoulder. “Girl, has anybody ever told ya that yer hopeless?”
Her response was interrupted from a muffled cry from the hogtied Rainbow Dash.
“Why is she tied down like that again?”
He took out a full can of whipped cream and tossed it to her. She caught it with her hoof somehow.
“Get kinky, Pinkie.”
“Are you trying to make a ship-fic or a clop-fic?” She asked.
“They’re the same damn thing. Now get to it.”
Pinkie went over to the table where Dash was bound to. She looked over the sight of her friend, immovable and helpless. Dash looked into her eyes with sheer panic, not knowing what was going to happen next. It filled Pinkie with a strange feeling that slowly inflated in her chest. A feeling of lust. A craving for her dear companion.
“Well?” Ghost asked impatiently. “We don’t got all day.”
“No...” Pinkie replied, letting the can clatter to the floor. “We don’t.”
From the drawer she removed a long, thin blade. She eyed the shiny metal surface of the knife before looking over her restrained friend with a slowly growing sinister grin. Panic turned to unreserved terror for Dash. Her pupils dilated.
“It’s time to make some... cupcakes!” Pinkie growled before slowly bringing the knife to RD’s flank...
“Oh hell no!” Ghost shouted and poked the cotton-candy mare on the top of her head. She dropped the knife and began to convulse before her entire body shrunk down to a tiny, mewling blob. Blob-Pinkie squeaked and wiggled her uselessly petite nubby limbs.
“Ah knew you were messed up in the head.” He withdrew a golf club from an unseen place behind his back and leveled the driver head to the pink blewb.
“AHSTAH LA BYE-BYE YA KOOK!!!” He arced the club over his head and swung it strong and true. It hit home, and with one short staccato of pain, Pinkie Pie went flying out the window and disappeared into the far distance. Ghost followed the projectile for a good hundred feet before he ceased to give a shit.
He turned back to Dash, still restricted to the table. “This shit’s getting ridiculous, ah swear tah Christ...” With a certain degree of chagrin, he yanked out his keyboard and paused for a moment before typing into it again. They sublimated out of reality yet again, Dash’s ropes left behind to slacken with nothing to restrain.
+++++
Twilight Sparkle, prodigy of Princess Celestia herself, lay on the floor of her library quietly reading her book. Who honestly cares what she’s reading. It’s a book. Twilight reads them. What else would she be doing? She idly took a sip from her water glass and flicked the page over with a gentle touch of magic.
Suddenly Ghost and Rainbow Dash.
“Alright, listen up.” Clacked the ossified head. “Ahm tired an’ ah wanna get something done.”
Without warning or consent, he picked up the two mares by their backs and unpleasantly mushed them together.
“COPULATE, DAMN YOU! COPULATE!” He screamed over their cries of extreme discomfort.
“Nien!” Said the Medic while he poked his head out from under the nearest fucking rock. “Zhat iz not how you do it-!” But he could say no more, for his face had been annihilated into a thin, bloody mist by a telephone pole.
“SHUT YER STUPID, SMELLY, SALMON HOLE!” Ghost threw the pole aside and brushed the splinters off his gloves.
“Please...” Said Dash weakly. “No more...”
“What the hay is going on?” Twilight asked.
“Calm yer tits! Ah got this.” He went over to the far side of the library, leaving the two ponies in a pile on the floor, and from some incorporeal bag of holding, pulled out a table, computer, monitor, keyboard, speakers, and a low-quality microphone. He connected the setup and powered up the computer.
“Alright, listen up you motherfuckers.” Ghost spoke into the mic. “Ah need some help here with this. Radio Graffiti: Caller 1457, yer on the horn.”
The speakers crackled to life with some song of atrocious quality.
And I said...
What’s going AAHHWN!
Ghost tapped a button and held his face in his glove. The music went off.
“Jesus Christ... Caller 2746, yer on the horn.”
“Dude, mane six shippings have been done a million times over. Why don’t you pair one of them with a minor character or something?”
“Mah God... you may be the least infuriating caller ah have ever gotten.”
“Also Fluttershy is best pony.”
“FUCK YOU AND EVERY PIECE OF FURNITURE IN YOUR HOUSE!” He clicked the caller off and addressed the next one.
“Caller 4510, yer on.”
“I used to ship Rainbow Dash like you, but then I took an arr-”
Ghost violently swiped the whole set off the table, letting it crash to the ground in a decimated pile of sparking silicon. He then raised his foot and broke the table in half.
“YER ALL USELESS AS HELL!” His balled-up fists were shaking in sweltering rage. “But that one guy had a point! Main six parings are old and boring! Ah gotta ship Dash with some other pony...” He glanced back to Rainbow Dash and Twilight, who were still incapacitated. Ghost scratched the bottom of his jaw with his fingertips.
“Lesse... who tah start with...” He pondered. Right outside, the sounds of playful children could barely be heard through the walls of the library. The voices became louder as they got closer to the front door.
“Ah sure Twilight has a book on bug collecting!” One voice said.
“That’s got to be the stupidest cutie mark ever. Who would want their special talent to be about bugs?” Another tomboyish voice replied.
“Rarity won’t let me play with bugs. She says they’re gross.”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! Ghost got a wonderful, awful idea!
Dash regained her senses and heard the voices. She also say that her captor was snickering to himself with the acquisition of yet another “brilliant” plan. She didn’t have to be a genius egghead to figure out what he was thinking.
“Oh no... no, please, sweet Celestia no...” Was nothing sacred to this madman?
“Oh yes, oh yes!” He summoned his keyboard.
+++++
The three members of the CMC entered the library, expecting to find the familiar sight of Twilight’s (usually) neatly kept bookshelves.
Instead, they got what looked like a county fair stage.
“Buh?” All three of them blurted in unison.
“Step right up ya adorable little brats!” Ghost announced. His attire was changed from western to circus ring-master. He fancy dress shoes, black pants, white shirt with a black, long-sleeve jacket, complete with cuffs, bow-tie, and a red-and-black top hat. He twirled his cane in his fingers and tucked one end under his armpit.
“Today, ahm presenting you three and you three alone with an unmissable opportunity! For the incredibly low low low low price of nothing, you gals get a chance to rustle up this here *ahem* willing volunteer in mud wrestling!” He pointed his atramentous scepter towards the center ring of the library-turned-circus. There laid an exhausted Rainbow Dash who looked like she was gracelessly thrown into the muck. She moaned at her aching temples.
The Crusaders were perplexed, to say the least.
“Is that Rainbow Dash?” Said Scootaloo.
“What happened to the library?” Sweetie Belle inquired.
“Wah is yer face so bony?” Pipped Apple Bloom.
Ghost sagged his shoulders in annoyance. He barely suppressed his distaste for the next few words that would exit his mouth.
“Y’all jus’ might get yer... cutie marks.” He flinched at saying those last three syllables, which felt like someone shoved a handful of artificial sweetener into his mouth. All three fillies immediately grinned widely.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MUD WRESTLERS!!!”
All three galloped down to the center ring and leapt into the mud pit with Dash, who became galvanized into action. She slipped through each of the playful fillies’ attempts at grasping and holding her thanks to the slimy mire. They giggled as they thrashed around at what they assumed was harmless fun. Ghost smiled and watched from a distance alongside Twilight, who, for some reason, was tied to a chair dressed as a harlequin. She struggled in vain beneath the thick chafing ropes. The former merely puffed quietly with a burgundy tobacco pipe in his teeth.
“You evil, crazy pervert!” She spat.
“Sticks n’ stones...” He glanced in her direction with a knowing smile. “Puddin’.”
Suddenly, and without warning (again), a big, mint-green, rust-covered van crashed through the wall and screeched to a halt. The little fillies stopped their rough-housing instantly and waited, dumbstruck. Then, the driver door opened and out stepped a creepy, bipedal bear with lanky limbs.
“Ok kiddos.” He said with a Russian accent as he scooped up all three Crusaders and brought them to the back door of his van. “Ees time to get in. Plenty of candy und toys und junk in here.”
“Where are we going?” Sweetie Belle queried.
“Somevhere else.” Came his clipped reply as he unceremoniously threw them into his van.
“Wait!” Rainbow Dash called as she dramatically reached towards her possible savior. “Take me with you! Please!”
The van’s back door were slammed closed with a rusty screech. The bear paused and looked at the mud-covered former-pegasus, apparently inspecting her.
“Neit. Too old.” He got back into his vehicle’s driver seat and slammed the accelerator, crashing through the wall yet again and making another splintered hole.
All three onlookers stood in stricken silence. Ghost’s jaw dropped to the ground.
Literally. It dropped to the ground.
I’m serious.
His jaw unhinged and detached from the rest of his face.
NEED I REMIND YOU THAT HIS HEAD IS A SKULL?!
He picked his jaw up off the floor and popped it back into place.
“What the swimming sideways squirrel shit just happened?!?!”
Nopony answered him, of course.
“Alright, time to move on.” He ripped off his fancy clothes to reveal his prior attire beneath it, took off his top hat and turned it inside out which morphed it back into a stetson, and placed his hat back on his head. Stretching his bow-tie turned it back into his kerchief.
“C’mon, Dash, we gotta get you all cleaned up fer yer next one.” He hoisted her over his shoulder while she have no protest. She was currently drained of all her energy. Ghost teleported them both to places unknown.
Twilight, still tied to her chair in the midst of her re-purposed and destroyed library, came reeling back to reality. She looked around, the bells on the tips of her hat tinkled softly. Spike entered from the other room. His eyes widened at the scene before him
“Spike!” Twilight called. “Help me out here!”
The cherub-like dragon placed his balled claws on his hips.
“Oh, silly me! I must be dreaming! I’ll go back to my bed to wake up.” He did a 360 and walked away.
“Spike? SPIKE?!”
+++++
The Doctor, known to everypony else as Dr. Whooves, gave a frustrated growl as he tugged at the comb that was stuck in his mane. He was in the TARDIS, the main control room to be more exact, observing himself through a hand mirror propped up among the blinking widgets and switches of the control panel. The comb came free and dropped to the floor. The Timelord gave a groan of annoyance and bent to pick it up, taking care to not move his newly-combed mane out of place. He grabbed the handle with his teeth and rose to set it on the panel. He checked his reflection, turning his head side to side.
“Why does this have to be so bloody hard? Why couldn't I have regenerated into a unicorn or something?” He adjusted his tie and collar with his blunt, un-manipulative limbs he so despised. Hooves... why did it have to be hooves? All he wanted was a night out. A chance to look good and go around the town for a pleasant time. Dinner at a fancy restaurant, a stroll through the park, maybe find some good company. He still wasn’t feeling a lot of attraction to most mares, though. He had everything ready but his hair. It was naturally spiky, strangely enough, and didn’t seem to want to change that. It seemed to have a mind of its own, fighting back The Doctor’s attempts to comb it slick. He checked his watch.
“I have a sodding time-machine and still time is never on my side!” He had been at it for nearly 20 minutes! His damnable hair was getting the better of him! The Doctor would have none of that! He picked up the brush and set back to combing it down. After five more climactic minutes, his hair was finally slick and polished like the high-class ponies of Canterlot. He smiled at himself and his accomplishment. He had defeated his messy mane... for now, at least.
“Well, time to go! Allo-” He was interrupted when the front door of the TARDIS was opened. Didn’t he lock it?
It mattered little, for a silhouetted figure stepped inside the dimly lit machine complex of his space transporter. Whooves had to shield his eyes and squint to get a better look. He could just make out...
Rainbow Dash in technicolor legwarmers.
Leg.
Warmers.
Both his hearts skipped a beat. His hair comically pomf’d back into an erect position.
“All-ons-ZEE!”
“Uh... hey...” She replied with a blush. She may have been at the mercy of a fiendish jerkass, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t think Dr. Whooves was kinda attractive. She wondered what all the futuristic tech was. She also wondered how in the world that tiny blue booth could possibly have this much space inside it.
He stood up on his hind legs and rested his elbow on the control panal. “Well, hello there. What brings a lovely thing like yourself here-?!” He clipped out a yelp as he felt his support give. His elbow had press some sort of button. Klaxons and red, strobing lights filled the room.
“Oh dear... uh... you may want to get out of here in about... 3 seconds ago.”
Dash was yanked out of the TARDIS. The double-doors slammed behind her and the police box imploded out of this plane of reality with a sucking un-explosion.
“Shit...” Said Ghost.
+++++
Trixie busied herself by admiring her face in front of her wagon mirror. She smiled, showing off her rows of pearly teeth.
“Oh... the Great and Powerful Trixie is looking lovely today!” She told her mirror.
“So is RD here!” A voice from behind her yelled. Trixie turned around to find Rainbow Dash, still in legwarmers. But nay, her narcissism was much too strong, and Trixie resisted the nigh irresistible allure of them.
“You! What do you want with the Great and Powerful Trixie?”
“Nothing!” Dash replied. “I don’t want anything to do with you, you jerk!” She dropped her voice to a whisper and gestured to the bushes off to the side of them. “But that guy over there won’t let me go unless I... I...”
“Screw you!” Ghost suddenly shouted, standing up and fending himself from a bird that had just fluttered onto his hat. “Go bother someone else, a goddamn flying menace!”
He realized both mares were looking at him and dived back into the bush. “DON’T MIND ME, I’M NOT HERE!”
They turned back to each other. Trixie glared.
“You can forget it, peasant! The Great and Powerful Trixie does not court with anypony, save herself.” She turned around and gave the mirror a smooch.
“That’s messed up...”
“Bottom line, Rainbow Dash:” She continued. “I’m not going to do anything with you!”
“That’s where yer wrong, sister.” Ghost said as he climbed out of his clever and undetectable hiding place with the skill of a ultra-ninja. That’s not what happened or how I would describe it. Give me back my keyboard, Ghost.
“Ahm gonna get Dashie here shipped with someone if it’s the last thing ah do! It’d make things a lot smoother fer you if you just went along an’ did yer part. A lot less painful, too.”
“Back off, buddy!” Said a red-headed unicorn that just appeared to step between Ghost and Trixie. “She’s mine!”
“An’ jus’ who the hell do you think you are?” Ghost cracked his knuckles as loudly as breaking bones. “Ah got things tah do here, an’ ah ain’t lettin’ anyone ‘er anything get in my way! Ya better move yerself before ah turn ya inside out and beat you like a pinata!”
“Um... uh...” The red-maned colt stammered. “Uh... Well... GHOST LOOK A LIBERAL!”
“WHERE?!” The skull-faced man whipped around, searching. When he turned back, Trixie and the other pony were gone.
“Ffffffffffff-”
+++++
“Ok...” The unnamed unicorn panted once he and Trixie reached a safe place away from the bipedal creature. “We’re good now...”
He turned and smiled to the azure mare. “Just you and me now. All alone...”
Trixie looked around frantically. “Oh... Uh... LOOK BEHIND YOU! IT’S TRIXIE!”
“WHERE?!” He whipped his head around. It took him a couple seconds to realize the stupidity of his mistake, and when he turned around, Trixie was gone.
“Son of a-”
+++++
Princess Celestia, monarch of Equestria, stood majestically in front of her ivory throne-
Ghost kicked open the tall throne room doors. “NO TIME FOR INTRODUCTIONS! WE’RE GETTING RIGHT DOWN TO IT!!!” He shouted a battle cry, and with Dash still hanging apathetically from his arm, he charged forward towards the princess.
Celestia gasped. “Guards! Defend me from this groundless and implausible attempt on romance!”
“Men! Ready yourselves!” Dinned the guard captain. His subordinates did likewise, loading the slingshots, catapults, trebuchets, cannons, and their own hooves with ammunition, standing unmoved in spite of the howling madman charging to their ruler. The captain raised his hoof.
“FIRE!” The guards released their shots. The projectiles sailed through the air.
The first of the ripe bananas pelted Ghost and his parcel. The thinned, spotted skin of the fruit broke open on contact with his leather clothing and released mushy banana-matter, which was accompanied by a sweet, slightly nauseating stench. The pasty, whitish-brownish substance splattered in slow-motion and dampened the charging figure’s apparel. Dash squeezed her eyes shut to avoid the onslaught of ambrosial debris. Several more crescent fruits impacted Ghost, but he continued bounding with the matriarch in his sights.
The guard captain faltered slightly, but he recovered himself in determination. “Double the loads! Give him all you got! Don’t let the heathen reach the Princess!” They hurried to comply and loaded their weapons with more bananas. At the captain’s bellowing command, they released another volley.
They barraged Ghost once again, the build-up of the doughy residue causing him to slow his hell-bent bum-rush. His boots were becoming too slick with the stuff and would soon lose purchase on the tiled floor.
“We have him on the run! FIRE AT WILL, MEN!” The guard captain joined the assault, chucking the contents of his banana bag with furious zeal. Ghost and Rainbow Dash were nearly coated with pulpy sweetness. His momentum was reduced to a trot, then a walk, then a crawl before finally, just as the guards’ ammunition was nearly spent, the skeleton’s boots slipped off of the ground and he landed in a pile of sticky slurry, defeated. The guard ponies panted in exhaustion amidst the now war-torn throne room. The aftermath of battle had left the place in devastation, the ripe runoff’s sickly smell permeated the air. It could be safely said that none of the room’s occupants would enjoy eating a banana for a very long time.
Princess Celestia cocked a moxie grin at the pile of mushy failure that once was Ghost and Dash unpasted, but no longer.
“Who’s the fruity bastard now?”
*rimshot*
Princess Luna chose that very moment to candidly walk into the room.
“We daresay, what be this strange and uncouth rapture in thine throne ro-?” She halted her breath in mid-sentence, not because the the throne room was in a sticky mess, not because of the overwhelming stench of fruit, but because there lay Rainbow Dash, covered head-to-hoof in slick, clinging banana paste that slowly dripped down her curvaceous, athletic cyan body. The Princess of the Night’s wings erected to their own accord and her muzzle blushed brightly.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Luna?”
“WE CANNOT COMPOSE OURSELVES WITH SUCH A TEMPTATIOUS AND LEWD HARLOT IN THE MIDST OF OURE VISION.” She yelled, again, unable to control the volume of her own voice. Dash was suddenly aware that her eyes were upon her.
“MIGHT WE ADD THAT THOU ART LOVELY? WOULD THOU BE KIND TO JOIN US FOR DINNER AND THE FORCEFUL AND UNWANTED INTERCOURSE THEREAFTER?” The pegasus started to sweat.
“Ghost?!” Dash called to the pile of banana mush.
“On it. Tired of this place anyhow.” He banged his fist on the keyboard. They both disappeared.
Luna sunk in disappointment. She looked at her sister with sad eyes.
“Elder? We hath erred again in the ways of courtship.”
Celestia tutted. “Oh, Luna, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll do better next time. Remember to not use the ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’.”
“Aye.” She responded dully.
“And try to use softer words.”
“Aye.”
“And clean up this mess.”
“Aye... Wait.” She looked up. Everypony else was gone from the room. She was left alone with a fresh bucket and mop sitting right next to her.
“There be a special place in Pony Hell for Ye, sister...” She spat.
+++++
Aaaaaand we come to Octavia and Vinyl Scratch. The two unlikely companions were sitting next to the club’s turntable, passing the time with yet another argument.
“Your so called ‘music’ is much too boisterous and grating to the ear. It’s overwhelmingly overstimulating with jarring high-pitched sounds with rumbling low bass that’s just too much for one’s senses to handle.”
Scratch sighed. “Tavi, we’ve had this conversation literally EVERY time we’re introduced together in a fanfic. Can we please just accept that different ponies prefer different things and talk about something else?”
Octavia blinked. “Well I guess you’re right... What would you rather do?”
Vinyl thought for a moment. “You wanna... switch clothing? You could wear my glasses and I could wear your bow-tie.”
“What would that accomplish?”
“Uh... nothing, really. You were looking for things to do, right?”
“Something meaningful.”
Vinyl took off her glasses and held them out to Octavia.
“That’s not meaningful.”
She put her glasses back on. “Ok.”
Silence.
Vinyl Scratch scooted closer to Octavia. “You wanna cuddle?”
The grey earth-pony sighed. “Fine.”
Suddenly, Ghost had another door to add to the list of doors he kicked off their hinges. The two musicians turned from their intimacy to the disturbance that appeared in the empty club’s entrance.
“Sup, bitches.” Said Ghost. “Got something for ya.”
Rainbow Dash suddenly appeared beside him, sitting on a chair Lyra-style while haphazardly holding an electric guitar in her hooves. Powerful amplifiers stood behind her. She looked at Ghost, not knowing at all what she was supposed to do.
He seemed to know what she was thinking. “Well? Serenade the pretty gals!”
“I can’t.” She stated.
“Why not?”
“First of all, I don’t know how to play the guitar. Second,” She held up her upper limbs. “I can’t play with hooves.”
“Bullshit. Ah see ya pick up stuff all the time with yer damned hooves.”
Octavia rested her chin and elbow on the turntable. “You must be new here.”
“Shut it.” He yanked the guitar from Dash. The overcharged amps whined menacingly with feedback.
“Lemme show y’all how it’s done.” He threw the strap around his shoulder, positioned his left hand on the neck, and readied his guitar pick. He then began to play.
The world died.
Octavia and Scratch were thrown backwards and pinned against the wall by the unholy, face-melting force of the guitar solo. Ghost’s fingers sailed along the neck. His pick was a blur of unreadable movement. Pure, unbelievable emotional energy exploded from the amps. The club’s structure started to tear itself apart. Scaffolding fell from the ceiling, walls imploded in bursts of rubble, stage lights shattered in showers of glass.
“WHY CAN’T I HOLD ALL THESE FEELS?!” Cried Octavia as she began to weep. Beside her, Vinyl Scratch screamed in barely contained ecstasy, nearing the peak of auditory orgasmic pleasure.
But before any of them could reach a music-fueled climax, the amplifiers caught on fire, sputtered, and died in a blaze of flame and sparks. The two mares slumped to the floor, bodies twitching in alleviation. The skull-faced man itched his hat.
“Damn... well, in hindsight, ah really had no idea where ah was goin’ with that.” He plucked the shell-shocked, possibly deafened Dash off of her chair and walked out the door.
Weakened, yet driven by the power of her will, Vinyl Scratch dragged herself across the floor and raggedly climbed onto her precious turntable.
“I must... make the wubs!” She called with what little voice she had left.
“No Scratch you are the wubs.” Croaked Octavia.
And then Scratch was potted plant.
+++++
Ghost stood in front of the classroom, blackboard behind him with the name “Mr. Ghost” written on it in huge lettering. The young ponies sitting in their desks whispered to each other in confusion. Ghost merely remained silent. Then he cleared his throat.
“Good afternoon, class, mah name is Mr. Ghost, but y’all kin call me Ghost. Yer usual teacher, Miss Cheerilee, ain’t available tah teach for ya right now,” He gently kicked the hoof of the unconscious teacher out of sight, for it was poking out from the side of the desk. “So ah have come to be the substitute for the rest of the time we have today.”
“Why haven’t we seen you here before?” Accused Diamond Tiara.
“Because yer mom fucked a stranger and then you came outta that. That’s why. Shut yer whore mouth.”
The posh filly looked as if she had been slapped. She kept silent.
“Tahday we’re deviatin’ from the usual lesson tah teach ya somethin’ special. Ah have with me Miss Rainbow Dash...” He gestured to Dash, who stood next to him, annoyed. “...to assist me in enlightening y’all on...” Pause for effect...
“The meaning of love through poetry.”
“HAH!” Called Spider-Man from a desk in the back of the classroom. “GAAYYYYYY!!!”
Ghost silenced him by chucking a boot and conking him square on his masked head. He wavered for a moment before his body went limp and his face hit the desk with a thud.
“Jackass...” The pseudo-teacher muttered. He re-composed himself and clapped his gloves together.
“So, like ah was saying, y’all have say... five minutes to write a short poem about how much ya love this here lovely mare.”
Silver Spoon raised her hoof. “What if we don’t love her?”
“Do it anyway.” Came his short response.
“Isn’t she a girl? That wouldn’t make any sense to love another girl.” Another filly asked.
“Don’t try and convince him, kid.” Deadpanned the still-wingless Rainbow Dash. “It’s a lost cause.”
“Any more questions?” He chimed. The whole room was filled with raised hooves. “None? Good! On yer marks... READYSETGO!” He clicked his stopwatch.
Reluctantly, but diligently, the students set to work on piecing together a viable set of verses from their elementary knowledge of literature. Minutes went by, and Ghost stood there watching the clock.
“Aaaaaand... stop!” He said after five minutes. Most of the children were done, some of the slower ones groaned and spat out their pencils, their work unfinished.
“Ok, not all of ya need tah share, ah just need one good one. It’s gotta come from yer frilly little souls and tug a couple’a heartstrings.” He pointed to Silver Spoon. “You there! You go first. Come up here and read yer thing tah RD.”
She complied, picking up her paper with her mouth and moving to the front of the class. She sat on her haunches facing the cyan mare, adjusted her glasses, and held out her paper with her hooves.
Roses are red,
Violets are blu-
Spoons yipped as she was picked up and punted out the window.
“THIS AIN’T NO YOUTUBE COMMENTS SECTION ON A DUBSTEP VIDEO! COME BACK WHEN YA AIN’T AN UNORIGINAL DUMBASS NO MORE!!!”
Dash was mortified. “You-! You just threw her out the window!”
“Oh, quit yer bellyachin’. She’s fine.”
+++++
Two earth-ponies staggered drunkenly through the green fields of the outskirts of Ponyville, wailing out a tuneless song about alcohol and how much they enjoy it.
May the wenches be pretty,
And the beers run cold,
And we sing songs and drink,
Hope we never grow old!
One of the ponies, a purple mare with a collection of berries as a cutie mark, hiccuped in surprise as her outstretched forelegs caught a falling grey filly. Said filly shook with fright.
“Eeeyy! Lookshie *hic!* what I got here, Mac!” Said Berry Punch to her companion.
Big Macintosh, holding a jug of hard cider in his hoof, squinted to get a better look at the recently airborne pony. Then, with a drunken squee, he exclaimed in exuberance.
“ITSH A GIRL! *hic!*”
“YAAAYY!!!” They both yelled in unison.
“Uh...” Sliver Spoon started. She could smell the strong presence of liquor on their breath, and that alone started to make her feel light-headed.
“Hey!” Said Big Mac suddenly. “Itsh firsht words!”
“Thatsh going in da *hic!* book.” Berry Punch slurred and took another swig of cider.
“I wuv ya, honey!” Mac blurted.
“I lovesh ya, too!” They attempted to mash their faces together for a smooch, but they both missed each other by a few inches. They giggled.
They both turned their heads when a cry come from beside them. A dark-skinned, bipedal creature fell out of a glowing, red portal a couple of yards from the ground. He wore an eye-patch, red fatigues, a dark flak jacket, grenade bandoleers, and had a bottle of liquor in his hand, thumb clamped on the mouth. He appeared to be just as drunk as Mac or Berry as he staggered off the ground, clutching his head.
“Oh, me mother’s...” He looked at the two ponies plus one filly. After a moment of the usual human-meets-pony wordless staring, he raised his bottle with a smile.
“Mind if I join ye? Brought me own scrumpeh!” He chimed with a Scottish accent.
Mac raised his own cider jug. “Th’ more th’ merrier! *hic!*”
And so, the group continued to stumble through the grassy fields, chortling out their carols and causing all sorts of public disturbances and such and so fourth.
+++++
Ghost wheeled around back to the class.
“So, who wants tah go next?”
The pupils all shrank into their seats. Spider-Man snored softly in his desk.
“Guess ahm gonna hafta pick another.” He circled his finger in the air before sicking it in the direction of Ruby Pinch.
“Yer next! Come up here an’ don’t be shy.”
The little unicorn brought her paper up to the front of the class like Spoons and began reading her poem while she trembled out of fear.
Her eyes like the sun,
Pink on the horizon,
Radiant like her smile,
Strong like the breeze.
On colorful streaks she glides,
Straight into my heart,
So captivated am I,
My soul is at ease.
She stopped reading and looked up at Rainbow Dash, who was speechless. The entire classroom was silent. Ghost shed a single, manly tear.
BAHAHAHA LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
“Ruby?” Dash finally spoke, breaking the silence. “Is that how you really feel about me?”
“Not really... I think you’re pretty and nice and all, but I just wrote what came to my head.”
“And it was beautiful!” Said Ghost while he snatched up the paper. “Yer a true American hero.”
“What’s an American?” She asked innocently.
+++++
The rowdy, intoxicated group of four skipping in a circle around a fire the human made with a grenade and a live timber wolf. They danced and stumbled while they shouted more off-key drinking songs. Silver Spoons added herself to the merriment, feeling tipsy and carefree after a few sips of their cider.
Berry Punch could hear a familiar sound in the distance, ever so gradually getting louder. She realized what it was about 4 seconds after it impacted in her face.
“Ruby!” She cheered as she held her shaken daughter in her hooves. “How wassh school?”
“Ya know, same old same old.” She replied flatly.
Mac stumbled up to the two. “I’m completely hammered! *hic!*”
Berry rolled her eyes. “Sheesh, honey, you’re such a bad influence!”
+++++
Ghost and Dash appeared in the middle of Ponyville.
“So what was the point of having a class of school-children write a poem?”
Ghost regarded her with a sideways glance as he re-read the paper that Ruby wrote. “Doncha know? We’re gonna find someone fer you to swoon with these verses!”
“How do I ‘swoon’ somepony with a poem that supposed to be about me?”
The man said nothing, sanding stiff as a board and staring past the paper he held out in his hand. The dusty cogs of logic finally turned in his head.
“Fffffffffuck.” He tore the paper in two and tossed the pieces to the ground.
“Alright. Ahm done with all this fruity lolly-gagging an’ shit. The Author’s gettin’ tired of dragging this out, so ahm gonna do what ah shoulda done first.”
Rainbow Dash gulped. “What?”
Ghost withdrew his keyboard from Hammerspace. “Ahm gonna use mah powers to make ya the most attractive mare in Equestria.”
Before she could ask why he didn’t do that in the first place, an odd jolt of electricity suddenly shot through her entire body. Her fur and man stood dead-straight on end. The air around her fizzled and cracked with power. Her muscles twitched with the sudden charge of energy.
“Huh.” Ghost said.
There was a “Umph!” from Dash as a light orange colt suddenly collided with her.
“Hey Mr. Cake.” She said to the magnetized victim.
“Hello there, Miss Dash. How’ve you been today?”
“Been better.”
Another thump.
“Hi Mrs. Cake.”
“Hey sweetie.” Said Mr. Cake’s stout wife.
Ghost snickered at the genius effectiveness of his ploy. “I dunno how it will work, but I’m... ‘rolling’ with it!” A couple more ponies violently gravitated to the fluffy cyan pegasus as he spoke, forming a rudimentary, bumpy ball. The Ponyvillian citizens moaned in discomfort. The muffled cries of Rainbow Dash could barely be heard underneath the layers of bodies. Ghost casually strode to one end and pushed the pony-ball slightly to test its traction.
“Kickass.” He cheered and, with a massive shove, he sent the living boulder on its way. As it rolled, ponies yelp in surprise as they were collected and added to the ball’s mass...
+++++
May you go marching in three measure time,
Dressed up as asses, drunk to the nines,
Swing from the rafters, shouting those songs,
Gone unsung for far too long.
The group had migrated to Ponyville for their intoxicated evening romp. They all held each other in their arms/forelegs, reeling from side to side like a lopsided can-can. Stumbling down the sidewalk, they got dirty looks from the denizens. One of the passing ponies happened to stop them and nag them for their carelessness. A pony who happened to be the mayor.
“Shame on you! All of you! How dare you come into this pristine town with your... your... lawless consumption of alcohol!”
“Wow, jeez, lighten up.” Said the tipsy Silver Spoon as she leaned on Demoman’s leg. “We’re just having some fun.”
“Is that child inebriated?” She shouted hysterically.
“Oh you an’ yer fancy words...” Muttered the dark-skinned biped.
“Only a little.” Ruby Pinch spoke for group, being the only sober one. Mayor Mare narrowed her eyes.
“Tell your posse of rabble-rousers to leave the town or go somewhere private! Public drinking is against the law! I will not see the law defiled on my watch!”
They all glanced at each other for a moment. Then, they broke into a fit of snickering. The mayor’s face turned angry red.
“I will inform the authorities and have you removed!”
“That’s probably not a good idea...” Pinch started to say.
“Is that a threat?” Ms. Mare retorted.
“No... it’s just advice. I tried to tell them the same thing. They won’t listen.” An audible click of a rotating chamber reminded her that Demoman still possessed his grenade launcher, the same one he used to blow a timber wolf into fine kindling.
“I can handle it. I’ve handled everything that has come my way as mayor. You will be no different!”
Ruby leaned to one side, looking past the mid-aged scold. She pointed her hoof.
“How will you handle that?”
The mayor turned around. What she saw made her hair go from grey to completely white. Rolling through the streets was a gigantic sphere of pastel equine bodies, all stuck together and shouting in panic, pain, confusion, or all of the above. On top of the ball was another bipedal creature in western wear, screaming out a psychopathic tune while he ran backwards.
ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’!
KEEP THEM PONIES ROLLIN’!
ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’!
RAWHIIIIIIDE!!!
The singing trailed off as he and the globe disappeared into the distance, picking up additional ponies as it ran over them. Mayor Mare, Ruby Pinch, Big Macintosh, Berry Punch, Silver Spoon, and Demoman merely stared at the passing pandemonium until it was no longer visible. A pregnant pause ensued.
Mayor Mare suddenly yanked the liquor bottle from the Scotsman's hand and started to chug the powerful drink with reckless abandon while tears of soul-crushing self-loathing streamed down her cheeks. They half-expected him to be angry or indignant, but he merely shrugged, pulled a fresh bottle from his ammo pack, and uncorked it. With another member added to their group, they shambled onward to wherever their clouded judgement would take them next.
+++++
Bon-Bon ate her eggplant parmesan while Lyra did likewise with her sandwich across from her. It was a nice evening to eat out together (Har.), so the couple went to the quaint restaurant that they usually favored for nights like this. The air was warm and comfortable, little to no breeze, and the radiant sunset could be seen from their table. They made idle conversation while they sat eating.
Correction. Bon-Bon was sitting. Lyra had slumped herself on a low, wooden chair she brought from home. The former glared with annoyance as the latter dangled her hind hooves under the table.
“Lyra, why did you have to choose this night specifically to make a foal of yourself?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.” She pointedly replied. Her hooves, not her magic, held her sandwich as she masticated. Masticated. It means chewed. Get your mind out of the gutter.
“Do you have a pre-set calendar you follow? Or do you just choose the days that we do things together?”
Lyra raised an eyebrow to her companion. “What’s wrong with not wanting to sit on the cold ground?”
“It’s what everypony else does!” She exclaimed while panning her hoof to the other patrons of the restaurant, who sat like Bon-Bon.
“I refuse to conform to the standards of society. I make my own image for myself.” She said like it was a well-used mantra.
“For the last time! You. Are. A. Pony! You are supposed to do pony stuff! Stop living a lie!”
Lyra’s monocle slipped from her eye and splash-landed in her posh, intellectual tea. “Well! I never!”
Suddenly, Lyra inexplicitly became a human.
“What.” Bon-Bon managed to say as she gawked at the naked biped in front of her that was once a unicorn.
“AWW YEAH!!!” Lyra leaped to her feet and bounced up and down in jubilation. Everypony in the restaurant turned their heads to see her, as a human, dancing in her birthday suit. Bon-Bon said nothing.
“Kiss my ass, Bon-Bon!” She said and slapped an open palm on her hairless rump. Before she could reply, though, her and all the other ponies in the immediate vicinity were sucked from their places by some unreal force of attraction and were added to the mass of Ghost’s pony-ball. Apparently it only attracted ponies, not humans. Lyra stood there for a moment before her brain caught up with her.
“Wait! Come back! You still need to kiss my ass!” She ran streaking down the street after the massive object.
+++++
Ghost cackled madly as his cruel creation wreaked havoc on Ponyville. It carved through the roads like an unstoppable juggernaut of one man’s inane idea.
Somepony should have acted. It was already here, we were warned of its conjuration. Each defeat was merely delay. For the time after the Great Banana Oblivion, when the ponies of Ponyville would be shipped with their own kind.
But nopony wanted to believe...
Believe it was even possible...
And when the truth finally dawned...
It dawned in LARGE HAM!!!
*Cue shots of ponies being pulled into the ball in slow motion while yelling one big, long “Noooooo!”*
But! There is one Ghost fears! In his tongue, he is called Engineer, Trollborn!
“FUS ROH DAH!!!”
With the power of Engineer’s Thu’um, the thought-to-be indestructible rolling mound of equines burst apart in a spectacular explosion. The sky rained ponies as they fell to the ground with individual grunts of pain (though, miraculously, nopony was seriously injured or killed). Ghost screamed in frothing rage as he flailed through the air, cursing the undo-er of his master plan.
“GOD DAMN YOU, ENGINEER!!!!”
A garbled blurt of speech came from Ghost’s assistant.
“YOU ATE THE CHILI?!?!?!”
Another, shorter unintelligible response.
“I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!” After that, he finally hit the hard ground with something akin to a splat. Engineer snickered and disappeared. Just as planned.
“Goddammit.” He groaned amongst the field of aching bodies.
+++++
“Bon-Bon? Bon-Bon!” Lyra called out the name of her friend as she sifted through the pile of prone, moaning forms, eyes open for any hint of her dark-blue and hot-pink curly mane.
“Bon-Bon! Where are you? This ass isn’t gonna kiss itself!” The pony-turned-human shoved some of the ponies aside and dug through mound-after-mound, but to no avail. There were just too many ponies. Lyra began to shiver. She half-wished she kept her fur.
“Hey!” Called a slurred voice behind her. She turned around to find the drunken gang, now with Mayor Mare as merry as the rest. The one that called to her was Berry Punch.
“You wanna join ush? *hic!* We got room for another!” She held up a bottle of rum from the mayor’s personal stock and tipped it to her lips. Lyra shrugged. She was positive that Bon-Bon was fine, and she could kiss her ass later.
“Sure. I’m game.”
“There ye go, pretty lass!” Demoman tossed her a jug of cider. She caught it and uncorked it with her new-found powers of dexterity.
“An’ thank ye.” The half-blind mercenary added.
“Why?”
“Fer savin’ me th’ trouble’a undressin’ ye with me eye.” He knocked back another swig.
“You’re... welcome?” His comment made her slightly self-conscious about being naked, but that went away after a few mouthfuls of cider.
+++++
Ghost finally summoned the motivation to get off the ground. He snapped some of his bones back into their proper place and subsequently began scanning the scenery for his charge. He found her easy enough. She was practically the only pegasus alive with a rainbow mane. As you know, (MOST OF OUR BATTLE BROTHERS ARE IN SPESS) subtlety was not Dash’s forte. She was weakly attempting to rise to her hooves. She jigged and reeled, dizzy from being rolled around for so long with all those other ponies. Poor Dash. She just can’t catch a break in this fandom.
The cyan mare yelped as she was splashed with a bucket of some warm, slick, amber fluid. It smelled strongly like flowers and coated her fur. Ghost tossed the metal pale of sensual oil aside carelessly.
“Could you at least warn me before you do that kind of stuff?” Rainbow Dash griped.
“I could give less of a fuck, but ah don’ think ya can give a negative number of fucks.” He grabbed her scruff. Dash swallowed hard.
“I will now ship you... WITH A SHIP!” With that, he hurdled her into the sky with blistering speeds. Dash shrieked as she arced into the distance.
+++++
“Tie down the cargo! Secure th’ sails! Have th’ buckets on ready! All hooves on deck! We shall brave this storm yet!”
“Captain. There is no storm.”
Salty Dog whipped his bearded face around to meet his youthful first-mate, Scallywag. “Wha?”
“There is no storm. There’s hardly a cloud in the sky.”
Captain Salty looked up to the clear blue skies. There was no rolling thunder, no pelting rain. Heck, there was barely a breeze. He brought his eyes back down to the deck of his ship, where the rest of the crew members were giving him worried looks.
“Well... um... I was jus’... practicing me voice for when a real storm hits us.”
“There won’t be any storm. We can control the weather, remember?”
Silence.
“Ya had tah go an’ take all th’ fun outteh it...” Salty muttered.
The ship’s crew was drawn from staring at the Captain when a crescendo’ing scream came from above. Rainbow Dash, traveling at near-sonic speeds, painfully slammed into the ship’s main mast with a wet slap, making it careen slightly. All eyes on her, including the Captain’s, her oil-slick body slowly slid down the girthy, stiff mast until she bumped into the ship floor with an exhausted sigh.
“Aye.” Said Salty Dog. “That be me fetish.”
+++++
Zecora brooded in her hut as she tossed more herbs into her cauldron. It bubbled and steamed. The witchdoctor glanced from side-to-side, ever aware of her empty hut and how she was the only one in it.
“Again, I am left here to only mope and groan. It may be so that I am forever alone...”
There was a crashing sound as her door flew off its hinges. Zecora angrily exclaimed in her zebra-language.
“WASS GOOD, ZIGGAH?!” Yelled Demoman as he and the rest of their gang filed into the zebra’s hut. Mac and Berry were still hoof-in-hoof, Lyra had Silver Spoon and Ruby Pinch riding on her shoulders while Mayor Mare stumbled in close behind her. Zecora could hardly believe what she was seeing.
“Intruders! Invaders! So brash do you roam! Have you no sense when you invade my peaceful home?”
“We’ve only come here to crash-*hic!* for a while.” Berry offered.
“No! Can you not see? I am in no mood for company!”
“Don’ kid yerself, lass.” The tall cyclops offered her a bottle. “We kin hear yer mopin’ from a mile away.”
She reeled back at the smell of his breath. “Strange creature, I care not what you think. Your strong tonics I do not wish to drink.”
Demoman rolled his eye. he opened his hip-pack and fished out a nondescript glass bottle of sloshing amethyst liquid. This seemed to catch the zebra’s attention.
“That drink looks much more appealing. You seem to know exactly what I was feeling.” She took the bottle, opened it, and sniffed the contents.
“I jus’ went offa hunch is all. Hehe...”
She took a sip of the drink. A spike of warm dullness seeped into her brain. The group looked at her expectantly.
“I... suppose it’s time for this hut to have more than just me. I shall offer my most gracious hospitality.”
“THASS THE SPIRIT!” He gave her a brash pat on the back. The rest of the group cheered and they resumed their merriment.
+++++
Ghost sat on a sun-baked rock, head in his hands as he did what he claimed was “thinking”. Dash merely sat beside him in a stupor of boredom. He wouldn’t allow her to leave his side, and she also wanted her wings back. They’ve been still for a good 45 minutes. The sun continued to sink into the horizon. No words were exchanged. Nothing could have been said. The truth of the matter was that Ghost ran out of ponies to ship her with. He’s tried everything, but to no avail.
He suddenly stood up, shocking Dash back to awareness.
“Ah don’ know what to do!” He shouted, obviously frustrated. “It’s just about the end of the day, an’ ah haven’t found anybody tah pair ya with! Ahm outta time!”
“Why do you only have until the end of the day?” She asked.
“‘Cuz ah got shit tah do tomorrow.”
The mare sighed. She couldn’t believe she was even talking to him! After tormenting her and her friends, destroying a bunch of property, and causing some degree of harm to every pony she knew, she didn’t want anything to do with him. She still couldn’t comprehend how this was all transpiring. Everything so far has been so random. It was like she was at the mercy of a cruel work of fiction...
A lightbulb went off in her head.
“Hey Ghost?”
“Yeah? Whaddya want?”
She took a step towards him. “That keyboard you got can do anything, right?”
“Yep.”
“Do you think... do you think you could bring somepony from another world?”
Ghost crossed his arms in skepticism. “An’ why do ah wanna do that?”
“Well do you want me to be ‘shipped’ with somepony or not?”
He thought about it for a bit. “Ok. Who do ya have in mind?”
Rainbow Dash got close and whispered in his ear. Ghost nodded.
“I’ll do it, but only if ya follow up on yer word an’ do some honest-to-god screwing.”
“...Sure.”
He conjured his keyboard and keyed in a long sequence of text. The abysmal device glowed intensely and vibrated with untold power as it did the impossible. The wind began to pick up. The air started to taste of ozone and became charged with energy. The wind swirled and diverged into a single spot. A speck of light formed before their eyes, growing larger every passing second. Too intense for her naked eyes to bare, she turned away, shielding herself with her forehoof. Finally, there was a boom of thunder. The atmospheric buildup dispersed immediately. Silence reigned.
Shakey and hesitant, Dash took a glance over her foreleg to peer at the one that appeared in the epicenter of the cataclysmic event. A black, smoking blemish surrounded the new pony. The cyan mare’s eyes widened. Her breath became erratic. Her heartbeat increased in tempo. It was her. It was actually her!
“Wha? Where am I?” The newcomer asked. Dash could hardly believe she was seeing a real-life pony with the greyscale mane and tail, dark-pink eyes, and compass rose cutie mark! She even had her signature jacket and pith helmet!
“Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh! You’re actually Daring-Do! I’ve read all of your books!” She gushed like a proper fangirl.
Daring-Do turned around to meet the pony who said her name. What she saw surprised her as much as her admirer.
“Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!” The adventurer pegasus squealed. “You’re Rainbow Dash! I’ve watched all of your episodes!”
“I love you!” Dash exclaimed.
“I LOVE YOU TOO!!!”
Driven by the convenient metaphysical forces of parallelism and cross-admiration, Rainbow Dash and Daring-Do yanked each other close and mashed their mouths together in a lustful embrace. Amidst their passionate, throaty moans, they slowly sank to the soft bed of grass below their feet, still furiously frenching one another.
(Remember when Dash said she wasn’t a filly-fooler? Guess she forgot.)
Ghost jumped in the air and clicked his heels together in jubilation. His efforts have finally paid off.
“Yeah! Now that’s what I’m talking about!” He shouted obnoxiously. The love-making pair were too busy to hear him.
“HAH!” Taunted Spider-Man, who suddenly appeared a few yards away, sitting in the same desk as he sat in back in the classroom. “GAAYYYYY!!!”
“What? AGAIN?!” He picked up a mid-sized rock from the ground. “YER GONNA GET DEAD THIS TIME, YA FRUITY, WEB-FLINGIN’ ASSHOLE!!!” With a feat of his massive strength, he hurled the rock at Spider-Man’s head with nearly the speed of a bullet. The costumed superhero yelped and tried in vain to protect himself with his arms.
There was a blinding flash directly in the rock’s path. Ghost’s projectile was vaporized instantaneously as a new figure materialized before Spider-Man. Glorious rays of light radiated from the divine form, the plants and animals around him cowered in fear, the immediate area suddenly became 20,000% awesomer, for the man who had just entered that plane of existence was more than just a formidable opponent.
He was the savior of Mankind.
He was a righteous paragon of the multiverse.
He was Vance Motherfucking Stubbs.
Spider-Man gazed upon the godly figure, tear-stains of unworthiness darkening the spots below his eyes. Vance Stubbs merely stared back with an unreadable expression.
“Are... are you here to save me?” Asked Spider-Man.
Stubbs, in his infinite mercy and restraint, like the benevolent god he is, kindly and gently bitch-slapped his entire face into another dimension with his eyelash.
After disposing of the nuisance, Vance turned to Ghost, his greatcoat billowing heroically in the wind. His lightning claws shimmered and pulsated with luminescence in the reddening sunset. His glare hardened on the creature who so foolishly stood before him.
”Ghost!” Bellowed the Governor-General with the voice of a thousand Gaurdsman warcries. ”You have defiled this peaceful sanctum and sowed the seeds of chaos for your own personal gain! As a protector of Order, and in the name of the Emperor, you shall suffer defeat at my hands!” With a blast of golden light, his attire morphed into intricate robes, proclaiming he was a Vance-belt in every form of martial art in the galaxy. That’s right. Black-belt was not good enough for him, so he invented his own, unique color that could only be described as Vance and nothing else, and declared it to be superior to all other colors.
“Big mistake, bucko!” Said Ghost, unphased by the powerful newcomer. “In this world, ah reign supreme! MY ASS CANNOT BE KICKED!!!” Gripping his jacket, he ripped it clean off to reveal hulking biceps, pectorals, abdominals, and all those other muscles in the upper-body that I don’t know because I never paid attention in Anatomy. Across his chest was a bold tattoo that spelled “COME AT ME BRO”.
Without thought or hesitation, Ghost charged towards Stubbs like a raging beast of unprecedented might.
“FER AMERICA!!!” Dinned the skull-headed man.
“IN HIS GLORIOUS NAME!!!” Shouted Vance as he met Ghost’s charge with his own. They came at each other like two unstoppable freight trains. Energy build-up in the air spiked to dangerous levels. Little birds and critters ran to hide behind heavy-duty blast shields as if they believed they would protect them from the ensuing collision. Dash and Do were still paying no attention.
With an ear-shattering decompression of air, the two met face-to-face. The nearby trees bent away as the gust spread fourth. The couple were rolled along the grass, but that still didn’t interrupt their coitus. They exchanged a barrage of lightning-fast strikes and blows. No mere mortal could hope follow their movements. Ghost took a glancing hook to his right arm. The blow put his balance off, but he quickly recovered in no time at all and returned with a swing to Vance’s jaw. The Lord-Militant, with perception and reaction time unheard of to even the greatest space marine, nimbly dodged the fist, but just barely. It was an even match for both of them. Stubbs may have divine powers gifted to him by the Emperor himself, but Ghost met that with his self-insertion Gary Stu-ness. As blasphemous and heretical as it sounds, the interloper was every bit as fast, strong, and manly as Stubbs simply because he used his ethereal keyboard to make it so. That did not deter Stubbs, though. He was a General, a tactician, a leader of men. He was not deterred when his peers accused him of being insane when he sacrificed 100 Baneblade super-heavy tanks in the name of the Golden Throne for his rapturous scheme which, in the end, won him a world that became as glorious as Cadia itself. He poured more focus and martial determination into his efforts.
Stubbs gave a swift kick that connected with Ghost’s midsection. He was caught by surprise and thrown backwards into a tree, which burst into a storm of splinters when he hit it. But he merely rose back up and popped a kink out of his neck, no worse for wear.
“Is that all ya got, assface?”
Vance threw a Leman Russ at him.
“Oh what the fu-” There was a loud, punctual metallic crump as Ghost was crushed by the heavy siege machine. Vance Stubbs smirked and patted off his hands. Works every time.
His smirk disappeared when the tank, which he thought had finished his enemy, exploded in a gout of sweltering flame and a rain of twisted metal. In the center of the wreckage stood Ghost, scorched and scarred, panting with rage. He extinguished a flickering ember on his hat with a pinch of his finger.
“Now you went an’ done it, jack-off.” He growled. “I’m gonna wrap yer ass around mah boot and mail it to you IN HELL!” With more vigor than before, he leaped forward, winding up his leg for a apocalyptic roundhouse kick. Stubbs braced himself to counter the attack with his own. Time slowed down. The air became still. Every living creature on the planet held their breath.
Their shins connected. A seismic blast of pure testosterone in the form of energy blasted outward. It was an event of a scale the world had never known. The earth shook violently. Trees and structures around them were vaporized in a pseudo-atomic fashion. Everypony within a 10-mile radius instantly sprouted a capacious beard. Yes, even the mares, who shriek at the abrupt appearance of the unwanted facial hair. Razor salesponies rejoiced.
Daring-Do and Rainbow Dash, in the middle of their explicit endeavors, were caught in the catastrophe and swept off their impromptu bed. They were tossed into the far distance with trailing cries. The power of the was so great that its effects echoed out into deep space...
+++++
The Emperor of Mankind, with his sacrosanct golden armor exuding its ever-present holy light, idled gracefully on his massive throne while he read a bulky newspaper containing the galaxy’s most notable events for the last century or so. He shifted his giant-like figure into a more comfortable sitting position and flipped over a page. He groan at the headline he found.
“Uhg... another Black Crusade?” He muttered to himself with his immaculate voice. “You would think that Abbadon would have learned something from the last twelve times.” He ignored the mundane article and began looking through the other bits of news.
He suddenly jerked his crowned head up, his attention snagged by something other than his reading. He turned his eyes upward, appearing to look at something beyond the walls of his grand throne room. The Emperor sniffed the air.
“There is an unmistakable disturbance resonating throughout the Warp. It feels as if two god-like forces have met in battle. This may very well spell the end for all existence...”
“Um... oh Holy and Divine One, sir?” Pipped a meek servant, a mouse-like thing when compared to the largeness of Him on Earth. He trembled with effort as he hefted a giant goblet filled with dark-red liquid. “Your daily, fresh-squeezed psyker blood.”
“Ah, yes.” He bent over to pick up the goblet, leaving the servant to sigh in relief as the weight was lifted from his shoulders. The Emperor drank deeply. “Ahh... that hits the spot.”
“I’ll take my leave now, Most Sacred One.” He began to exit when his God stopped him as he was taking another drink.
“Mmm!” He swallowed. “Watch for that cord.” He pointed to the snaking cable across the floor that led to a tall lamp that stood next to the throne. “Ships need that to travel through the Warp or something.”
The servant quickly bowed his head and clasped his hands together. “A thousand pardons, Holy Emperor.”
“Asskiss...” The Emperor thought silently. He looked at the goblet his was holding and felt a spur in his generosity.
“I think you deserve a little something for your troubles.” He extracted a single golden coin from his purse and flipped it in the little servant’s direction. He held out his arms to catch it, but the coin was scaled to the Emperor’s size, so it was basically a 200-pound weight. The coin cracked against his skull and he flopped to the ground like a ragdoll.
“Don’t spend it all in one place.” He returned to his newspaper. Something nagged the back of his mind. He remembered that he was thinking of something important before the servant came in, but he couldn’t exactly recall what.
“Hey, what was I talking about before?” He asked the servant. He didn’t reply. Blood started to pool around his motionless form.
The Emperor shrugged. “It’ll come to me eventually.” He took another sip of his psyker blood and continued to scan through his newspaper.
+++++
The mighty Vance Stubbs fell to his knees. The low ring of death bells could be heard for the fallen hero as his kneecaps struck the hard, scorched soil. His body was drained of all energy, all willpower. He has been outmatched. Ghost stood over him, panting hard, rain drizzling off his muscled body. Thunder boomed above them in the darkened clouds. Yes, I did the dramatic rainstorm thing. Bite me.
“Yer... finished... ya fruity fancy hat-wearing bastard!” In a fit of absolute anger, Ghost pulled out his keyboard. “Oh, by the way... SOULSTORM WAS A SHITTY EXPANSION!!!”
With his pre-mortem words of blasphemy, he swung his keyboard at Vance’s head. It impacted his face with the force of a jet-airplane made of bowling balls. The sapphire device shattered against the Governor-General’s skull, twinkling keys and bits of plastic flew from the blow. A final strike of lightning signaled the end of the brave, dauntless soul. R.I.P. Vance Stubbs. Cometh the Youtube tribute music videos.
“YEAHAHAHAHA!!!” Ghost cheered at his victory.
Then he looked at his broken keyboard, the only thing that kept him tied to this world.
“Aw, Jesus Chri-” He was cut off as he ceased to exist.
+++++
Back at Zecora’s hut, the troop’s party was in full swing. They had taken it upon themselves to put on an improvised drama skit. They used the witchdoctor’s masks that she hung on her walls as costumes for their one-dimensional characters. Zecora didn’t mind, though. She was red-faced with intoxication just like the rest of them. Their hastily made play was just reaching its climax. Big Mac was the main character, while Demoman took the role of the antagonist. They were starting to run out of scenery. So much of it has been chewed.
“Mac! Ah am yer fatheeeerrrrr... *burp!*” Demoman slurred. Lyra considered him for an Oscar.
“What a tweest!” Said M. Night Shyamalan.
“NOOOooooOOOoooo....!” Wailed Big Macintosh as he sank to the ground and began snoring.
All the participants yelped in surprise as two lewdly entwined mares crashed through the straw roof. The newest arrivals were dazed beyond the ability to see. Stars swirled around their vision.
“What’s up?” Lyra casually asked.
Rainbow Dash recovered her senses. She recognized the strange creature’s hair. “Uh... Lyra?”
“Yep.” The still-naked human replied. Daring-Do also regained perception and looked at her unclothed body, then looked at her own jacket.
“Well now I feel silly...” The treasure-hunter said. She shrugged and removed her jacket and pith helmet. Big Mac watched Daring undress from his vantage on the floor.
“Hawt...” He commented.
“Well...” Dash began. “We were just...” She searched for the proper words to not embarrass herself. “...Having sex...” Excellent choice. “...And there was this big explosion, and we were thrown over here. Sorry if we made a mess.”
“No worries child, you are welcome to stay,” Zecora smiled. “As long as you detail your ‘rolling in the hay’.”
“Oh, Zecora, you devil!” Mayor Mare scooched up closer to the zebra, taking no consideration of personal space as their flanks touched and the mayor breathed hot, alcohol-saturated breath right in her face.
“Miss Mare, you are awfully near.” She stiffened as the mayor made a sudden movement. “And your hoof is groping my rear.”
“I just absolutely love your exotic rhyming...” She whispered without ceasing her caressing.
“IT’S ON!” Declared Berry Punch as she took one last draft, intercepted Big Mac, and forced his mouth to hers.
Everything got a little fuzzy after that.
+++++
Demoman cracked his eye open. Bright morning sunlight lanced through the hole in the roof, its harshness intensified by his hangover. He clutched his face. Years of waking up hungover and he still never got used to it. He sat up in the hay-stuffed mattress and regarded the room. A multitude of bottles littered the floor. The shelves and walls of the hut were cleaned off, their former contents strewn chaotically across the small room. The air stank of sweat and booze.
He looked to his left. At his side, snoring on the bed, was Big Macintosh and Berry Punch, sleeping on top of human Lyra.
He looked to his right. Mayor Mare and Zecora were foreleg-in-foreleg, muzzles touching, with Rainbow Dash and Daring-Do close-by in a compromising position.
He looked to the caldron. At some point in time, the previous contents had been emptied to make a hot-tub that couldn’t have possibly fit all of them at the same time. Ruby Pinch and Silver Spoon hung out the side, both unconscious.
He looked down. All of his clothing had been removed.
He laid in silence for a while, tanking a slow breath in, and a slow breath out.
“Ah don’ remember a bleedin’ thing.” He said, mortified.
+++++
Derpy Hooves woke up. She blinked a couple times, recovering from the strangeness of her sleep. Her wall-eyed vision was cleared of their sleepy haze.
“I have the weirdest dreams...”
