Daring Don't Want

by TittySparkles

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Daring Do
Length: 1059

Twilight's mom give Daring Do a piece of her mind

Twilight Velvet has a few choice words about A K Yearling's new book, and they aren't very nice thoughts.

Collab with Rainbowbob

Edited by: The Abyss

Published 2013-12-08 04:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-08 04:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

The room was quiet, save for the sounds of a quill scratching against a piece of paper. The elderly mare who held the quill focused her magic intensely, letting the magic swivel and swirl the tip across the paper as she voiced her opinion to an author she had just lost all respect for. As she wrote the last line and signed her name, the mare smiled and quickly began to read it over.

Dear, A K Yearling,

What the fuck is wrong with you!?

More importantly, what the hell were you thinking when you wrote your new book “Daring Do and the Ring of Destiny?” The first twenty pages were literally pointless babble about you losing the rings to the main villain and pretty much suffering from extreme amounts of not really touched upon angst. Not only did you lose my attention, but I literally had to force myself to finish the rest of the book.

And boy did I wish I never did.

I don’t even know where to properly begin, but I might as well as try. Alicorn Mary Sue’s? Recolored Original Character (OC) of yourself as an annoying fan insert? A group of ponies that just happened to look for you in the middle of an adventure with no explanation whatsoever? Were you literally drunk when you were writing this? Seriously, Yearling, this is no doubt the weakest story out of your whole series.

Not to mention the whole issue with the villain’s dastardly plot. Eight-hundred years of drought by heating up the sun? Did you forget about how our kingdom’s ruler actually controls the sun? I know it’s fiction, but sometimes by the way you write your books, it almost comes out as an autobiography or a character that seems to overcome impossible odds and villains so dumb, they don’t know red from blue. I got so bored with how easily the main character solved the story’s dilemma, I foolishly thought there was something deeper to the story. But then I flipped the last page, and found I was disappointingly wrong.

You know, this isn’t even my biggest problem with the story. It’s the fact that you killed off the main villain! Getting crushed by the temple? Really? Fucking really!? After that annoying blue companion and Daring lift the final ring, you seriously wouldn’t think those guards and your monkey-panther-whatever-the-fuck-hybrid you made, wouldn’t run away for safety? Are you for fucking real!? The plot holes in this story are so big, I’m surprised the pages weren’t printed on swiss cheese!

On the topic of your villain, why the fuck did you spell his name as… Alimoto? Ahuzotal? AHOIZUTL!? Seriously, you couldn’t think of a better name and better design for him? I never addressed this in my previous reviews, but you actually gave him a decent character, yet now that you killed him off, I’ll voice my distaste! He had actual motives beforehand, but now you screwed him over into serious villain decay territory with this barely hatched plot line that made me want to vomit.

I also want to voice my concern for other parts in your piece of shit excuse story. The part where you fend off three stallions while those six mares watch is rather pointless, I mean, why would they watch? They saw her getting overpowered and they even witnessed the doctor leaving with the fucking ring! There were six of them and only three mud ponies! That’s right, I said mud ponies! You had an alicorn that didn’t do jack shit, literally, throughout the rest of the book! If you were going to use her overpowered sense of entitlement and magic, now would’ve been a good fucking time!

Oh! And another thing! What the fuck was that scene where Daring was fighting off cats and her companion was like “HEY! DO U WANT YOUR HAT BAK?” I knew you were playing her as the orgasming lesbian fangirl, but seriously, what the flying fuck was that!? I mean, even near the end you ditched Daring’s straight persona and actually let her nuzzle her companion back! I would voice my complaints about this stupid shipping with a lesbian OC, but considering this is actually what fans want to see, I’ll complain about a different topic. Heavens know complaining about fanservice only leads to more pointlessness.

Pandering.

You fucking pandered hardcore with this story. You inserted a stupid fan into the story and pretty much had her save the day and win the mare in the end! If you were sucking the dicks of your fans any harder, I bet everyone in Equestria would be able to hear them cumming! And you know what else I hate about this story? It’s totally sexist as fuck! Daring Do teams up with six other mares to stop a bunch of male characters from finishing a stupid villain plot that makes no sense at all! I find your portrayal of the male stereotype so bland and disgusting I nearly threw the book in the fireplace! I mean, how could six mares with no fighting experience whatsoever take on a group of armed warriors? How?!

You know what else? I don’t even care anymore! I’m done! FUCKING DONE!! With your series, and any other future books that you’ll publish. You’re not showing any signs of improving your work and you jumped the bandwagon (heck, I’d rather use the word bangwagon in terms of this story) by literally giving into what the more shameful and perverted fans, ie. Daring Dongholes, wanted.

Enclosed in the package I sent is the book I bought along with a drawing of a unicorn flipping you off in the back. I know we don’t have fingers like your dead Ahweezotal whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is, but you’ll get the message loud and clear. Please kindly take this piece of crap and shove it up your plot!

Signed, Twilight Velvet, your *former* critical reviewer.

The mare smiled at her letter and felt an odd sense of relief as she looked over it. It was harsh, critical, and most of all, vulgar. Giving the letter a sniff, she sighed in content at the overwhelming smell of fulfillment. She hoped the letter would lead to the eventual tears of the author, and she looked forward to Yearling crying herself to sleep for many nights to come.